Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, thank you.
Thank you much.
Good evening.
Waiting for the people
to get from the bathroom.
People are in there pissing,
wait, the shit done started.
Damn.
What's happening, blood.
Right on.
Jesus Christ, look at
the white people rushing back.
White people don't care, jack,
just come out anyways.
Say fuck it, we're going,
I don't give a shit.
You niggers taking a chance
Being in long beach,
though, jack.
I saw the police
had some brother jacked up
When we was coming in here,
The nigger's hands way up here,
talking about, huh, what.
And they're searching and shit.
Bet they take him away to jail.
Going to jail in long beach
is a mother fucker, though.
Where you at?
I'm in long beach.
Shit, we arent coming' down
there to get your ass out.
White people,
this is the fun part for me,
When the white people come back
after intermission
And find out niggers
have stolen their seats.
White people say,
Uh, wearer we
sitting here, dear.
Wearer we, uh,
I believe we,
uh, we were sitting here,
Uh, wearer we?
Yes, we were sitting
right there, yes.
Well, you arent sitting here
now, mother fucker.
You ever notice
how nice white people get
When there's a bunch
of niggers around.
Right, they get outside
they talk to everybody, right.
They say hi, how you doing!
I don't know you,
but here's my wife, hello!
What you taking my picture for?
Who are you going to show it to?
They say, I got a picture
of Richard Pryor.
Who gives a fuck.
Sit your ass down!
Mother fucker, sit down.
You know you arent got
no film in the camera.
You're just bull shitting,
just flashing,
Isnt nothing but flashes.
Sit your ugly ass down.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And right to your seat, "exit. "
No, it's funny, though, man,
white people be funny.
And you ever notice
Like you'll be
the only nigger someplace
And you go with white people,
they be funky.
Right, they be, they be now,
You want to move out of the way,
fella, excuse me,
Thank you very much.
Taking up all the fucking area,
Jesus Christ.
And niggers gorilla
they way in a place, man.
We saw about
eight dead white people
When we was coming in,
Still had tickets in their hand.
Niggers are just running
over them getting in here.
Move out the way,
mother fucker, shit.
You arent seen a nigger
in three years,
What the fuck you talking about.
Sure, go ahead,
sure, cut in,
Sure, it's okay.
What do you want, trouble?
There's a whole bunch of them.
They could be cousins
or anything.
Some white dudes
you cut in front of
Don't play that shit,
though, right.
You cut in front of them,
all right, cut the shit.
Just cut the fucking crap,
all of you.
I love when white dudes
get mad and cuss, right,
Cause you all are
some funny mother fuckers
When you cuss, right.
They'll be saying shit like,
yeah, come on, Peckerhead.
Come on, you fucking jerk off,
come on.
Son of a bitch, come on.
Yeah, you fucking-A-Right,
buddy.
Nigger's will be talking
about buddy this.
Yeah.
You want to buddy something,
buddy up on this here.
Black men will
grab them dicks, jack.
I don't care, niggers will be
walking down the street,
They're going to
hold their dick, jack.
What's happen, bro,
arent nothing to it, shit.
You know how it is,
Im just hanging on.
Even Andrew young,
he grab his dick, right.
He be talking to the president
of the united states,
Andrew young,
Uh, Mr. President,
Now, we got to talk
some serious shit now, really.
Excuse me, Mrs. Canter.
Oh, that's all right.
Bigger than a peanut.
Patty and I want to say
we're really happy
That you come out
to see us tonight.
We mean that from
the bottom of our hearts.
Thank you.
Patty be singing her ass off,
too, don't she?
I mean, patty gets some shit
down in there, waaaaa,
Shit go all through me, man.
I'll be saying sing it,
you mother fuckers, yeah.
And the band's a bitch,
too, man,
That band is a mother fucker
she got, really.
That white boy on the horn
be playing his ass off, right,
He don't even bend or nothing.
You know, when most people
play the horn,
They got to bend or something
To get that shit out
of there, right.
This guy be.
And don't miss shit, right.
He be, don't worry, niggers,
Im with you, go ahead.
And I am really
personally happy to see
Anybody come out
and see me, right,
Especially as much as
I done fucked up this year.
I don't want to never see
no more police in my life,
At my house,
Taking my ass to jail,
For killing my car.
And it seemed fair
to kill my car to me, right,
Cause my wife was
going to leave my ass.
You know, I said not in
this mother fucker, you arent.
Un-Un, no, un-Un,
If you leave,
You be driving them
hush puppies you got on.
Cause Im going to kill
this mother fucker here.
And I had one of them
big old magnums,
You know all that noise they
make when you shoot something.
I shot at the car,
it said whom.
The tires said aaahhhhh.
It got good to me,
I shot another one.
Boom, aaahhhhh.
And that vodka
I was drinking said,
Go ahead, shoot something else.
I shot the motor,
The motor fell out
the mother fucker, right.
The motor say, fuck it.
And then the police came,
I went in the house.
Because they got magnums, too.
And they don't kill cars,
They kill niggers.
Police got a choke hold
they use out here, though, man,
They choke niggers to death.
I mean, you be dead
when they through, right,
...did you know that?
- Yeah.
The nigger's
are going, yeah, we know.
The whites are going,
no, I had no idea.
Yeah, two grab your legs,
one grab your head, and snap.
Oh, shit, he broke.
Can you break a nigger,
is it okay?
Let's check the manual
Yup, page 8,
You can break a nigger,
right there, see.
Let's drag him downtown, okay.
And they got them dogs
they sic on your ass, right,
The German shepherds
and shit.
Nasty mother fuckers, right.
Some places
they got them Dobermans,
Doberman pinschers.
Them some bad mother fuckers.
They fast, too.
They catch the average
white boy.
By the time they catch
a nigger, though,
They too tired
To do anything
but maybe get petted
Or some shit like that.
You trying to run him over.
Sit your ass right there, now.
I'm going to get on you.
All right.
I saw them let one loose
on a young brother about 16
In an alley.
The police jumped out of the car
And sacked the Doberman
loose on him,
The brother was low running.
I mean, he was down in here.
And the dog was on his ass,
And it must have got good
to the brother,
Cause he shifted into overdrive
on the dog.
Yeah, the brother had a cap on,
it just went.
And it looked like to me
like the dog said,
Shit,
Mother fuck that nigger, man.
Shit, he won't kill me
out here, shit.
Give me a biscuit here.
The dogs are something else.
I got two dogs,
I got two malamutes
That I trained to fight
the police dogs.
I did.
I said, if you see
any dog jump on me,
You all better do something.
Cause if you don't,
You know what happened
to that car on new year.
We got you, rich,
we got you, we got you.
Don't worry.
And they won't bite shit, right.
I mean, they very
intelligent dogs, though, right.
I mean, they be reading
dog food cans and shit.
They do.
Alpo, no meat byproducts,
no soybeans.
Yeah, rich, this will be good,
fix that up for us, please.
Could we have a little wine
with that, perhaps.
And a burglar come in the house,
Say don't fuck
with the dinner plates.
You can have all
this shit up here.
So I got a, a Doberman, right.
One of them
bad mother fuckers, right.
Somebody stole him.
That's how bad he was.
And I got him from
a dog home, you know,
You can get dogs
from the dog home,
Save them from killing them,
you know.
I got him from the dog home,
And somebody had abused him
real bad,
Cause every time I called him,
he'd freak out.
I'd say, hey, champ.
What, shit, Jesus Christ,
What are you doing to me,
Don't do that shit,
Im telling you,
You're fucking
with my head, man.
It's a real bummer, rich,
it's, god, please.
They're like that,
Dobermans are like that.
When they're puppies
they're real scared, man.
You look at them,
they're.
But when they get older,
They don't even like for you
to stare at them, right.
Most dogs you can stare down,
You look at a dog too long
they go.
You stare at a Doberman,
Doberman be
I don't play that shit.
And then they show you
their teeth, right,
This look like Im smiling,
mother fucker.
I'm about to get in your ass.
And they make real good
watch dogs, right,
But the only problem is
They let burglars come in
your house.
They do.
They burglar, yeah,
come on in, come on, yeah,
Come on in the bedroom,
Let me show you
where the money is,
Yeah, come on in.
Get all that, yeah,
Come on in the kitchen,
get silver,
Hurry up, come on, yeah,
come on.
And they wait for the burglar
to hit the door,
That's when they turn
into the exorcist, right.
The burglar go, they go,
you can't leave.
I want to play.
And that's how you find
the burglar
When you get home, right.
He'll be talking about, help me.
Please help me.
The mother fuckers
sound like the fly, help me.
The dog is going to bite
my asshole out, help me.
Pets is something else, jack.
I got pets,
I love my little pets.
I got monkeys and shit.
My monkeys died, though.
Yeah.
I had two squirrel monkeys.
You ever seen
the squirrel monkeys?
They got them hands,
they freak a dog out.
They do.
They get on a dog
and them fingers touch a dog,
The dog go.
I had one named friend.
I named him friend cause the
first time I opened the cage,
He ran up my arm and stuck
his dick right in my ear.
He did.
Yeah, it felt like a wet tip
He pissed all on my cheek.
I had to throw him up
at the ceiling
He'd do that to anyone.
I'd invite over people,
you know,
Just to fuck with them,
you know.
I'd say, go on,
open the cage up, you know.
Up they arm,
I remember one time
This guy from warner brothers
was coming over,
He was going to do a film with me.
And he came over
and he opened the cage
And I said, don't open the cage!
The monkey
Well, you won't be doing
any films at warner brothers,
That's for goddamn sure.
Want to get this monkey's dick
out of my ear, rich.
Jesus Christ.
Come on, dear,
We'll put something
over my head there.
We'll just say it's a hump,
let's go.
So I got him a woman, you know,
cause he was fucked up...
I got him a woman
Called her "sister," right.
He did the same to her,
Run right in the cage
And she said, freeze.
First thing, I got to
show you where the pussy is.
And he got him some
monkey pussy and freaked.
He just went out
of his mind, man.
Man, at night he'd be up
and unlocking the cage and shit.
And then they'd run away and
stay two and three days, right.
And you could hear him in
the tree,
Sometimes far away
Sometimes up front
Finally about the third day
He came in and
he was fucked up, right,
And I left him
with some friends,
I had to go out of town,
I left him with
some friends to watch him.
And he had like a little gas
heater on the floor,
And they turned it on,
and they didn't have no matches,
And they died.
It killed them.
I was hurt, too, man.
I was, cause I came home
and found my monkeys was dead.
I said shit.
Cause I loved
my monkeys so much.
I was in the back yard,
I was crying.
And there was a dog that used to
live next door to us,
A German shepherd, right,
Big, ugly,
mean German shepherd.
He would bite anything.
And he jumped the fence
and came over there,
And I felt something
moving my hand like that
And it was him,
I was going to pet him.
He looked at me and he said,
what's the matter, rich.
I said, my monkeys died.
He said, what?
Your monkeys died?
Isnt that a bitch.
You mean the two monkeys
used to be in the trees,
They died?
I said, yeah, they died.
He said, shit.
I was going to eat them, too.
He said, don't linger on
that shit too long, you know,
It fuck with you.
I said, Ill try.
Yeah, you take care.
Then he went back
and jumped over the fence.
And just before he jumped,
he looked back at me, he said,
Now, you know Im going to be
chasing you again tomorrow.
Yeah.
See, I love pets.
I do, I got like
a miniature horse,
You ever seen them,
A miniature horse
about this big.
Full grown, that's as big
as they're ever going to get.
Yes, ma'am, Im not lying,
named ginger.
A friend of mine, Burt Sugarman,
gave me this horse.
He helped me produce
my TV shows.
He gave me this horse
instead of money.
And the horse is nice
but it don't do nothing.
Horses don't do nothing
when they're that little
But eat and shit.
And horses shit while they walk.
They do, they be blob,
blob, blob, blob.
And steam be coming off
of horse shit, jack.
Horses got some terrible...
flies don't even fuck
with horse shit.
Fly be talking about
And the first time
that my dogs saw the horse,
They thought it was
another dog, right,
Cause animals
don't have no racism,
They thought it was another dog.
They said, look,
There's another dog
with a long tail,
Let's go say hello.
And my cousin Denise,
She had a great Dane
staying with us,
They said, yeah, come on,
let's go over, yeah,
And they ran over.
Then that horse smell
hit their ass, right.
They said, hey,
This arent no goddamn dog.
And the great Dane said,
I don't know what it is,
But Im going to fuck it.
He come back and said,
well, you can fuck it.
And my two malamutes said well,
Let's see the bitch,
let's see the bitch.
I had to beat them off
with a cue stick,
I said get the fuck off
the door, god dammit,
Leave the horse alone.
Move, mother, get back.
They got even with me, too,
the dogs did.
Cause one time I was walking
with them in the front yard
And I heard one say
to the other one,
Let's fuck him.
You know, and you know how
you be playing with your dogs,
And say, hey, get down.
Say, what the fuck is he doing,
get out of there, get your...
Hey, man, what... help!
And dogs, when you make dogs
stop fucking,
They go fuck air
or anything, right.
You say, get down, god dammit.
Do you remember when the animals
used to get hooked up
When you was little,
That was some funny shit
to me, jack.
Cause they be
in the middle of the street,
Didn't know
which way to go, right.
Well, make up your mind, shit,
there's a car coming.
I always thought women
should have that kind of pussy
For rapists.
You know, the kind
that just lock up.
Right, cause that's some
vile shit
To take somebody's humanity
like that anyway, right.
At least the pussy ought
to be able to lock up, right,
And say.
Okay, let's go, come on.
Don't make a move
or Ill tighten up.
Just get going, come on.
Oh, shit.
Had a little pain
in my heart there,
I thought I was having
another heart attack.
I said, what.
You get scared after you
have a heart attack, though.
All the time, any time you feel
a little pain you go, huh.
Anyone here ever had
a heart attack?
The mother fucker's hurt.
I'm not bull shitting, man.
I was walking in the front yard,
I was just walking along
And someone said, don't breathe.
I was saying, huh?
Said you heard me,
mother fucker,
I said don't breathe.
Okay, I won't breathe,
I won't breathe,
Then shut the fuck up then.
Okay.
I'll shut up
don't kill me, don't kill me.
Get on one knee and prove it.
I'm on one knee,
Im on one knee.
Don't kill me, don't kill me.
Thinking about dying now,
arent you?
Yeah, Im thinking about dying,
Im thinking about dying.
You didn't think about it
When you was eating
all that pork.
Oh, no, you know black people
got high blood pressure anyway,
Yeah, I know it, I know it.
Then
watch your diet.
Don't kill me, don't kill me,
don't kill me, don't kill me.
You be thinking
about shit like that
When you think you're going to die.
Don't kill me, don't kill me,
don't kill me, don't kill me.
You put an emergency call
into god, too, right.
Can I speak to god
right away, please!
There's always some angel
talking about,
I'll have to put you on hold.
And then your heart get mad
after it find out
You was going behind its back
to talk to god.
Your heart say,
Was you trying to talk
to god behind my back?
You is a lying mother fucker
I woke up
in an ambulance, right.
And there was nothing
but white people staring at me.
I said, arent this a bitch.
I died and wound up in
the wrong mother fucking heaven.
Now I got to
listen to Lawrence Welk
The rest of my days.
But the paramedics
can save your ass, you know,
They really are something, man.
They... they are, man.
You have to give them
a lot of credit, they're good.
They say civilian people,
we can save people, you know.
Give them mouth-To-Mouth
resuscitation.
I don't know.
You know what I mean,
Cause if Im walking down
the street
And I see some mother fucker
laid all out
And slobber and shit
hanging out of his mouth,
He arent going to make it.
You know what I mean?
I'm going to say, say bro,
I don't think
you're going to make it,
Unless you can get somebody to
wipe that shit off your mouth.
Right, cause you could be
giving somebody
Mouth-To-Mouth resuscitation
And they die,
And death ease down your lungs.
Death don't give a fuck
where it goes.
And if they can get two for one,
that's a good day for death.
And if you ever have to
go to the hospital,
Which I hope you never do,
Carry your own piss with you,
Cause that's what they want.
Soon as you get in the hospital
They want some blood,
and some piss.
You always have the blood,
but you never have the piss.
And they get mad at you.
You're not going to leave here
till you piss in that bottle.
And you never can piss.
You ever tried it?
Can you turn on
some water, please.
And if you do start,
You need eight
or nine bottles, right,
Nurse!
Hurry up, Im not going to make it!
And they be so nonchalant
with your piss, right.
They'll be talking about,
this your piss, thank you.
I could never grab
nobody's piss like that, jack.
I'd have to have
some prongs and shit
Before I grab some piss.
I'd be going, all right,
I'm going in
to get the piss now.
All right, I have the piss,
clear the hallway,
I'm coming through.
Everybody, back off, please.
And then they hook your ass
up to that machine, you know,
Where you look
like Frankenstein.
You get to watch
your life beep away.
Right, you be beep, beep.
You be watching, too, jack,
Cause if you see beep,
that's your ass.
Right, I woke up one morning,
I saw beep,
I said, ahhhhh!
Beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep,
Beep, beep.
Cause the hospital
arent no place to get well.
That's the truth,
that arent no joke.
You can die in there
and nobody give a fuck,
Unless you john Wayne
or somebody.
See, john Wayne
can kick death's ass.
Did he?
I mean, the dude,
he had cancer one time,
Kicked death's ass.
Open heart surgery,
john Wayne kicked death's ass.
John Wayne just say,
get the fuck out of here, death.
See, they filming some shit
I wanted to tell you all.
I mean, like you didn't know.
You all arent going to get paid
shit, either.
So don't be asking me
for a mother fucking thing
When the show is over.
Don't be saying, hey, nigger,
where is my money for the movie.
No, I guess this is going to be
in the theater or something.
I don't know.
That's what they got
all this shit.
Richard Pryor: what?
I can't hear you,
can you all get a spokesman.
Wait a minute.
What did you say,
I couldn't hear you, babe.
Wait, mother fucker,
I was talking to her.
What?
Preach, nigger, preach.
Oh, thank you, dear,
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
That's black stuff.
Cause the white people
were looking confused,
What... what does
that mean, warren,
Preach, nigger, preach.
What is that, actually?
Thinking about death, though,
I'd like to die
like my father died, right.
My father died fucking.
He did.
My father was 57
when he died, right,
And the woman was 18.
My father came and went
at the same time.
And the... and the woman that
he was making love too, right,
Couldn't give away no pussy
for two years,
Cause people were going,
Un-Un, no, no, mmm,
uh, no baby, uh, no.
You done killed
one mother fucker with it,
That's all right.
No, that's some pussy
you can keep right there, mmm.
And I saw the lady recently,
And she's still a little
fucked up about it, you know.
She came and said,
Im sorry I killed your father.
I said, miss,
what are you talking about.
I said, shit,
People get killed
in plane wrecks
And run over by buses and shit.
He died in your pussy.
That's called recycling.
You know, I just figure
God must have loved my father
an awful lot
To let him go out
like that, right.
Cause if I had a choice,
Now, men, you know the truth
when I tell you
If you had a choice
between dying in some pussy
Or getting hit by a bus,
Which line would you be in?
I know which line
Im going to be in.
I'm going to be in
that long mother fucker, jack.
The funeral was
something else, too,
Because black funerals
Are different
than white funerals, right.
You know, white people
have funerals,
You don't give it up
at the funeral.
You do, I mean,
You love your dearly departed
as much as we do,
But at the funeral
You don't really
And then sometimes
they faint.
And see, black people let it
hang out at the funeral.
They don't care,
they're!
Lord have mercy,
Jesus, help me, lord,
Take me god, take me,
take me, take me!
Right.
And then they fall
all on your ass.
You say, goddamn, baby,
get your big ass off of me!
Say why in the fuck
you going to kill me
Cause that nigger dead?
Get off.
My grandmother could do that
shit real good,
Help me Jesus, lord have mercy
help me, help me, help me
Take me, take me.
That's how she made me
stop snorting cocaine.
She did, she pulled
that shit on me.
It worked, too, jack.
I had the nerve
to pull out some cocaine
At the dining room table,
And she had never
seen me do any, right.
And she looked at me
a long time, and she said,
Boy,
What's that you're putting
up your nose.
I said, cocaine, mamma.
Jesus, god, take me now,
lord, take me now, god,
Save my life, take me, take me,
take me, take me, god,
I said, mamma,
don't do that shit.
Look, Im throwing
the shit out, mamma,
Look, look,
$1600 wont of shit
down the drain, mamma.
She found out how much it cost
she said you dumb mother fucker!
You could have sold
some of that shit
Back to the man you got it from!
I told you that shit
would make you ignorant.
Goddamn your soul.
My grandmother is the lady
that used to disciple me, right.
You know, beat my ass.
Anyone here
remember them switches?
Yeah.
Right, you used to have
To get off the trees...
Yourself... and take them
leaves like that.
I see them trees today,
I will kill
one of them mother fuckers.
I will stop the car and say,
Wait, hold it, yeah,
listen, yeah, mm-Hmm,
You arent never going to grow up.
You won't be beating
nobody's ass.
Right, cause that's some...
do I have a tumor
or did it get dark in here?
Cause there's some hell
of a psychology, right,
To make you go get a switch to
beat your own ass with, right.
My grandmother said, boy,
Go get me something
to beat your ass with.
And that would be the longest
walk in the world, right.
You be talking about
And you be thinking
all kind of shit, right,
Cause you know
you done fucked up, jack.
Like maybe it'll snow
before I get there or something.
Maybe she'll have a heart attack
and won't be able to whoop me.
I don't want to get no whooping
cause it's going to tear it up,
I know it.
And you know
you couldn't come back
With no little switch, right.
Cause if you did,
She'd go out and get the tree
And beat your ass
with it, right.
You'd be, please,
I don't want to get a whooping.
And you get them switches
And then you start cutting wind
on the way home, right.
You go.
Make you start crying
before you get in the house
Mamma!
Mamma, Im sorry!
Mamma please, mamma please,
mamma please,!
And my grandmother would get mad
And beat your ass
with anything, right.
You know, old douche bag cord,
anything.
Anyone here remember them old
douche bags they used to have?
The big red boys?
Used to hang in the bathroom,
Hold eight gallons of water.
My grandmother used to call it
a hot water bottle.
Right.
It be hanging in the bathroom
on a coat hanger,
Smell like vinegar.
My grandmother would snatch
the cord out of one of them boys
And tear your ass up
with it, right.
And Id always try to get out
of ass whooping, right,
By going to sleep early.
You know, get in bed
and just go to sleep,
Pass up supper and shit.
No good.
My grandmother would
wake my ass up, you know,
Get your ass out...
Put your hand... put your...
don't you run from me,
don't you run-From-Me.
As long as-You black,
don't-You-Run-From-Me.
And there was always
one thing to remember
When you was getting your ass
whooped, right,
That was not to say shit.
Right.
I mean, you could yell
and scream all you want,
But don't say no shit like,
I won't do it no more.
Cause that just add
extra licks, right.
Say, oh, I know-You arent-
Going to do it-No more,
Cause-You shouldn't have-Done it
- The first time
When I told you-Not to do it.
And you would wake up
in the morning
And look like a welt.
You'd be good for eight months,
though, jack.
And then she'd fix you up,
come here, baby.
Now, see, you shouldn't do that
I told you not to.
Just sit still now.
And the next time you do it,
I'm going to tear
your ass up again.
But I would much rather like
my grandmother to discipline me
Than my father, right,
Cause my father just go out.
I mean, he might say
any kind of shit, you know,
Like go stand
in the middle of the street
While I start the car.
You heard me,
Get your ass
in the middle of the street.
My father was scary, boy.
I'd piss on myself
sometimes he call my name...
Richard!
Huh!
And I had a fight with my father
one time, you know.
It was exactly a fight,
but I did the best I could.
I just got tired of them
ass whoopings, right.
I said, this is it.
I'm not taking
no more ass whooping,
This is it.
And he looked at me and he said,
What, you a man now,
mother fucker.
Yeah.
And he hit me in the chest,
Hard.
He hit me so hard
my chest just caved in
And wrapped around his fist.
And I held on to it
with my chest.
I would not let it go
so he could hit my ass again.
And everywhere he moved his arm,
I was hanging on like this.
And my father
was an honest person.
I mean, he'd say anything
that was on his mind.
Like he... he was
a brutally honest man.
Cause I remember
when my stepmother died,
We were going to the funeral,
And everybody was crying
and shit.
And I said, pop,
it's going to be all right, pop,
It's going to be all right.
You know, and it was
about 14 below zero.
And he was in the back seat,
And I said, it's okay,
it's okay.
He said, yeah,
if it gets any colder,
We're going to have
to bury the bitch by ourselves.
Now, that's my father,
You know I wouldn't
lie on him, right.
Cause he got to the graveyard
And he was telling
the preacher the dirt,
Get to the part with the dirt,
shit, it's cold.
Yeah, baby, I love you,
But shit, it's cold out here,
goddamn.
Right, and then you go home
and eat everything,
Like all the neighbors and shit
would bring food over.
And everybody would
eat something, you know.
Like miss Irene is a lady
that helped raise me,
She brought over some dressing
with almonds in it and stuff,
It was great.
We had fun till somebody found
some legs on one of the almonds.
Right, the fella was eating it,
Say!
There's some legs
on my almond.
I said, well don't tell me
about the shit,
I didn't have no roaches,
mother fucker,
You're the one got the roaches.
I don't want to see the shit,
no, get the fuck out of my face.
My grandmother said,
now, don't say nothing to her.
Said, she old and blind,
she can't see no more,
So she probably
left the oven open
And they crawled in there
last night.
But Richard, you had roaches
just like everybody else.
And they're good, too,
was they, honey?
My father taught me
about like the great outdoors.
You know, he loved like
the woods and shit... and nature.
Something... cause I still
dig it today, you know.
I used to love to go,
Like my father would take me
fishing and hunting.
I liked to go hunting with him,
but I hated being the dog.
No, cause my father
didn't have no patience,
You know what I mean
He just lose his temper.
God dammit, chase the rabbit
this way!
Well, what the fuck you chasing
the rabbit back that way!
Get your ass in the car, shit!
We arent going to never eat!
Get your ass in the car,
You don't know how
to chase no goddamn rabbit.
But there was something about
nature, man,
And he taught me
to be in the woods
And just the sounds
you would hear
Would be so different.
You ever notice
how quiet you get
When you go in the woods.
It's almost like you know
the gods are there, right,
You be quiet.
Leaves be crinkling
under your feet.
Something about nature, right,
just makes you want to...
shit.
And women won't go
to the bathroom outside, right.
Ladies, you won't, will you,
the women.
Say, you want to go
to the bathroom out here, baby.
Un-Un.
No, too much, look, no, un-Un.
Too many things crawling around
could crawl up there, no.
I'll wait till
we get back to the car.
And I say, bitch, you arent
going to piss in the car!
You better drop your drawers
and piss here.
Cause a man could just whip
that shit out anywhere, right,
You know,
all on the tree and shit.
You ever write your name
in the snow, you be.
Women still be standing around,
Im not going to do it, un-Un.
I got to go real bad, too.
Okay, Im going to pull my panties
down a little bit.
Okay.
Now, you don't...
don't you do nothing,
don't you be funny.
If you see something,
you let me know.
You're not going to do
nothing funny, are you?
No, baby, go ahead.
I arent going to do nothing,
go ahead.
Okay.
I'll just pull it down
a little bit.
I like to wait till
they get into it, right,
And you go,
somebody's coming!
And women can cut they piss off
like that, whap,
And not another drop come out!
Men, have you ever tried
to stop your piss?
You'll get eight hernias.
You all can be,
Piss will be running down
your leg,
You'll be.
And there's things in the woods
that fuck with you,
You know what I mean?
Like snakes.
Snakes make you run into trees.
They do, right.
Snake!... paw.
Not many black people
get bitten by snakes,
That's true.
Statistically, that is true.
Because black people
stroll too cool in the woods.
They do.
Niggers be in the woods and be,
Must have a different
attitude about the woods.
They'll be walking.
Snake.
Now, white people
get bit all the time,
Cause they have
a different rhythm.
They be in the woods
But in the woods when you be
hunting deer and shit,
You'll be in the woods
and you hear
Say, come over this way,
come over.
,
Say, what the fuck was that?
I don't know.
Come on.
And deer will be
drinking water, right.
And I don't know
how deer ever drink water,
As scared as they are, right.
They be like.
Say, come on.
Come on around this way.
Why in the fuck
you going to make two paths,
Just bring your ass
the way Im going.
I know what Im doing,
,
Just walk where I walk.
Well, you'll be upwind,
he'll smell you.
Just bring your...
walk in my footsteps,.
Come on.
Get off my goddamn foot.
You were on my corn now.
There he is.
Beautiful, arent it?
Give me the rifle.
What rifle?
The rifle I gave you
back at the car.
Shit, I didn't know you wanted
me to carry the rifle.
If you arent got the rifle,
we in trouble.
How you figure that,
arent nothing but a deer.
I know that,
but there's a bear behind you.
Oh, shit.
Which way you going to run.
No, I just want to know
so I don't run over your ass.
So the woods
is something else, jack.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You got to have a certain kind
of persona, though,
To be in the woods fucking
with them animals and shit, boy.
That's they home,
you know what I mean.
You have to be knowing
what you're doing,
Cause you might
be fucking around
And something grab your ass.
You have to have
a look about you, right.
I mean, you know,
if you look like Leon Spinks,
Then you could get away
with that shit.
No, cause Leon could chase some
of that shit out of them woods.
Right, the mountain lions
and shit,
Did you see the smile
on that mother fucker man?
I hope brother Leon
arent here tonight
And hear that shit.
Leon, boy.
Now, that's another nigger
have bad luck
Be fucking with him, too.
Right, Leon will be walking
down the street, bad luck.
Leon.
Huh?
What you want to do,
freaky deaky?
Leors a brother
got a lot of heart, though.
He really has, you know.
Gave Ali another shot
at the title and shit,
And they didn't want him to.
It makes me feel good
when that happens.
Really.
Cause to me,
I don't think nobody else can
beat that young nigger, myself,
Cause he just,
Ali didn't really beat him up.
You know, he just
beat him often.
Cause that nigger
arent been hurt yet.
He don't know nothing
about the pain, not Leon.
Leon was trying
to get the championship
And was cool, too, right.
Every time Leon
started some shit,
Ali would grab his ass.
Ali would say, not here, nigger,
not tonight.
No, lord, every time
you start some shit
I'm going to grab your ass
just like this here.
Cause I got to have it
this evening.
So now Im going to let you go,
take that with you.
And Leon figure like,
Leors saying,
I arent got nothing to lose.
I arent got no money,
I arent got no Teefers.
And I definitely arent got
no driver's license.
So what in the fuck
can you do to me,
Freaky deaky.
The only thing about it,
I don't like to hear when
white people would be saying,
He dumb, arent he?
And niggers be agreeing
with him, though
That's what tickles me.
Be happy for any nigger
doing anything.
Right, cause there arent
nobody ever said
The heavyweight champion had
to be no entomologist, anyway.
Right.
They say, Leon, what do you do.
I knock mother fuckers out.
That's all he got to do.
Ali, man,
I got in the ring one time
and Ali, man, is awesome.
That nigger,
I was in a benefit with him
just for fun boxing,
And just to get in the ring
with that nigger
Your heart go uhh.
No, cause something
make you say, you know,
I'm in this mother fucking ring
and shit,
And does everybody know
this is for fun?
You know, cause the nigger
will be fucking with you, right.
As soon as you get in the ring,
Ali be talking about,
I say, wait a minute,
Does this nigger know
this is a benefit?
He arent supposed to
hit my ass up
In this mother fucker.
And the nigger is so fast
That you don't see his punches
till they coming back
That's all you see right,
And your mind be saying,
wait a minute now,
There was some shit
in my face a minute ago,
I know that much.
Ali came out, man,
He threw about eight punches
About a quarter inch
from my nose.
He said.
I said, shit!
And I was happy to be
in the ring with the champ,
You know what I mean.
But my mind kept saying, I said,
What happens if this nigger
Has one of them
Joe Frazier flashbacks.
You know what I mean,
He might go round 11,
Joe Frazier, boom.
And he'll give me brain damage
for life, right.
I'd be, uh-Huh.
Freaky deaky.
That boxing is
a hard hustle, though.
I used to box
in the golden gloves.
I was good in the gym.
It was in the ring
where I had my trouble.
I was a mother fucker in the gym
hitting the heavy bag, you know,
Cause the bag don't move.
Cause you get in the rings,
Niggers will be talking about
I said, hey, coach,
what about this shit here!
I say, this nigger moving!
And I always had to
box them dudes
That looked like
they just killed their parents.
You know, have you ever
seen them niggers
With them big rusty ass hands,
The kind of hand you can strike
a match in the middle of it?
Right.
They come out at the bell
beating themself up.
Right,
I'm saying, well,
he don't give a fuck about me!
He kicking his own ass!
Then the coach say,
stick and move, stick and move.
And you be scared when you have
your first boxing, right,
You'll be doing.
And you'll get one in,
right,
You'll look at
your own shit and say,
Hey, this shit
might work, right.
And then you start trying
a little bit.
Then it gets good to you, right.
And I fucked around
And left one of them pings
out there too long.
And I saw this nigger's eyes
got real red.
And in his mind,
I know he was saying,
I'm going to kill them ribs.
And he hit me with a punch
he got from... Mississippi.
It came from Mississippi,
in slow motion,
It say.
Gained momentum in Georgia
Swept up through Louisiana
And my body said
get the fuck out of the way.
I couldn't move, though.
And my mind is saying
drop your arm, block the punch,
Then counter with your right.
But my arm said, I arent got
nothing to do with it.
And he hit me in the ribs,
You ever had air
leave your body,
Air just said, fuck it!
And then he saw
my other side was weak
And he said,
Oh, you want some air
And I kept trying to fall,
But my legs was in good shape.
They wouldn't fall.
My legs just looked at me
and said,
Why in the fuck should we fall?
There arent nobody hit us.
Shit, you going to make us look bad
Cause you can't take
an ass whipping.
You better raise your ass
back up there, jack.
I had one nigger
whoop me so good
I thought he was playing conga
on my body.
I start dancing
with the mother fucker.
And what hurts you
most in boxing
Like when your box, right,
Is the mother fuckers
that hit you in the body.
I mean, you can deal
With them wild swinging
mother fuckers, right,
Cause you just block
their punch,
Get out of the way.
But the body punchers, jack,
You come out with your guard
like this at first,
You be all up here.
About round five
you come out.
And you forget
your chin is open, right.
You be going, you can't
hit me in the ribs now.
The cat hits you
in the chin, paw.
And your legs are
the first thing to go, right.
Your legs say, excuse me,
Uh, Im falling,
I don't know about you.
And you be saying, no, legs,
hang in there, fuck it.
And you be down, jack.
You start looking in
the audience for your parents.
Hi, mom.
I'm okay.
The referee counting and shit,
you know.
You say, I don't know
what the fuck you counting for,
I arent getting up.
I'm going to make sure
this fight's over.
I arent getting out of the ring
till they start sweeping up.
And there's always somebody
in the audience talking about,
Get up!
Get up!
Fuck you!
That's how I got down here
in the first place.
That's why you got to keep
your legs in shape man,
And do road work and shit.
You got to run
four and five miles a day.
Ali run backwards cause
that's the way he fights.
I just be running like this.
Rashan, my trainer, he say,
run and keep your mouth closed,
Breathe through your nose.
You be.
You'll be breathing
through your nose
And snot start coming
out of your nose, right.
That's when
the women come out, right.
You got snot
hanging on your nose.
You ever be running and get one
of them,
And get it on somebody
running next to you?
Like it's,
Say jack, what's this shit
you got on!
Do you know
I will kick your ass!
You going to be running for real,
you don't get this shit off me!
And sometimes it's ego crushing
when you be running,
Cause an old white man
be out there
Lapping your ass, right.
Be.
And you ever be running and
you get that pain in your side
Where the pain say, hello,
I'll be fucking with you
the next hour or so.
I serve no purpose
other than to kill your ass.
I'll be moving
from side to side,
Down your groin
and up your ass.
When you drop dead,
I will stop.
I need some water.
No, but you got to stay
in shape and shit,
Cause you never can tell
when in real life
You will have to... run!
That's right, run.
, run.
Why get killed
when you can... run!
That's right,
A lot of people
get an ass whipping,
And you could run.
You'll be in the hospital,
Your ego will heal a lot faster
than a broken jaw.
Cause you'll still be
in the hospital talking about,
Shit, I should have run.
Run!
That's right,
if somebody pull a knife on you,
And you can't pull out nothing
but a hand with some skin on it,
Your intelligence
ought to tell you to... run!
But people be watching Kojak
and shit too much.
They think they have to be
macho man.
I'll take that knife
and shove it up your ass.
I'm macho man.
You go from macho man
to dead person.
Cause see, in the movies,
They always make looking
getting stabbed with a knife
Look like it's cool, right,
because they have that music.
See, in real life,
You don't hear no
All you feel
is a knife in your ass.
You won't be talking about
,
So run!
And teach your old lady
how to run
So you don't have
to go back after her ass.
You say, Ill meet you home
in five minutes, baby.
And then you got
something to laugh about
When you get home, right.
You say, baby, shit,
I beat you here by two minutes,
What the fuck happened?
See, but people
try to be macho man.
That'll get you fucked up, jack.
Especially nowadays,
Cause young dudes that fight,
They don't even fight
like older people,
You know what I mean.
Like when we used
to just have gang fights
You used your fists and shit.
Now, they got that kung Fu
and karate and shit,
They like to pluck your eye out
And pull your arm out
of the socket and shit.
There arent no fun in them.
See, you go out there
with that old fashioned shit,
They just kick you in the nuts.
You'll be come on, jack.
They said, clip.
Oh, boy.
No, no, Ive had enough, no.
You win, you win.
Oh, oh, oopsy daisy.
Okay.
No, Im fine.
Just trying to find my balls.
Two, there was two of them,
There's two.
Here's one here.
No, no, Ill just put it
in my pocket, thank you.
But if you see the other one,
would you mail it to me.
See it around, just...
but you got to stay
in shape, right,
Because you never
can tell, jack.
You ought to swim or something.
I can't swim, myself, you know.
My kids swim their ass off.
We got a pool, I can't swim.
I'm in the shallow part,
I'll be pitching a bitch
in the shallow part.
Don't nobody push me, jack.
One time I was playing
with my kids
And forgot what I was doing,
And fucked around
and jumped off in the deep end.
And that water bring
your memory back... like that.
I didn't even get a chance
to get mother.
And my mind,
all your mind says
When you think you're drowning
in the pool,
Your mind say,
get to the edge!
Get your ass to the edge!
And I was swimming my ass off
in one spot.
I was going no place.
And my kids
was watching me, right.
And my kids think
everything I do is funny.
They were saying,
Look at daddy
drowning, ha ha ha!
Daddy, you're so funny!
Say, kick your legs, daddy,
kick your legs!
I'm saying,
Im going to kick your ass
If you don't help me out
of this mother fucker.
And my kids get away with shit
I never could get away with,
Because I can't bring myself
like just to beat them up,
You know, like being
parent.
You know, that kind
of standard parent shit
Like my family did.
Because I don't want
to fuck my kids up
Like Im fucked up.
So I just talk to them,
you know,
I'll say get the fuck
out of my face.
You know, just leave me
the fuck alone,
I don't want to hear this shit.
You know don't respect yourself,
I know you don't respect me,
Now fuck you.
About an hour later
they come to my room, though.
I'm sorry.
I fucked up.
I say, that's right,
and don't do it no more,
Cause I don't want
to have to get on your ass.
Oh, daddy, it's okay.
My kids, boy,
when they lie though,
That's the thing
that I love the most,
When they be trying
to tell them lies
And you know
they're lying, right.
You say, um,
who broke this?
Huh?
I said, who broke this?
Okay.
I'm going to tell you, okay?
First, okay, Im going to tell you.
First, first
I was in here, right.
Uh-Uh.
First I was... I was...
I was in the kitchen, okay.
Uh-Huh.
Then... then...
then when I was in the kitchen,
do you know what happened?
You don't know what happened?
I'm going to tell you, okay.
Then I was... I was
in the kitchen, okay.
Then, I was...
I was running in here...
I was really running,
Because you remember when
you told me not to run, uh-Huh.
So, I was really
running, running.
But it was kind of like
I was running.
My legs was moving real fast,
it looked like I was running,
But I was really running,
un-Un.
And I was in here then
when that thing,
That thing was already broke.
Uh-Huh.
That was broke even before
I was born.
And when that door
almost fell back like that,
And it broke and it fell down
and it broke.
That's what happened.
I need some water.
Fuck you.
Can you... can you turn
the lights up just for a moment.
Just for a second.
Shut the fuck up.
Turn the house lights up,
house people.
Lighters, just for a minute,
just for a second.
Thank you.
I'd like to introduce you
to someone,
Ladies and gentlemen,
Huey p. Newton.
Stand up, Huey.
Thank you for coming.
Turn the lights down now.
Turn the mother fuckers down.
Thank you very much.
Thanks for coming, Huey.
I'm happy that you're here.
Now, what... shut the what,
mother fucker?
What, you done stood up
and you crazy
You got a jacket on and
it's hot in this mother fucker.
So, Im definitely
going to speak to you,
What is it?
Rank those Mexicans?
You got it...
about the Mexicans?
You want me to rank
the Mexicans?
You all are in worse trouble
than niggers.
You all get to pass for white,
And I can't be fucking
with you all.
That's no, it's no fun
picking on Mexicans,
You guys got a country.
And the Chinese, too.
The Chinese,
the Chinese people here,
You better watch out,
I'll sic them on your ass.
There's a billion Chinese,
arent but 40 Mexicans.
That's a lot of people, right,
a billion people.
Jesus Christ.
Somebody in china
doing some serious fucking.
They fuck quick, too, right.
I was in Chinatown, right,
We went to Chinatown
about five months ago,
I heard the funniest shit
Id ever heard in my life,
Was a Chinese person
that stuttered.
I swear.
This dude was really
stuttering in Chinese.
Talking about.
And his friends
was getting mad at him,
Trying to help his ass, right.
Going.
He was still going
You go to Chinatown,
They get mad if you don't eat
all the food, right.
You go, uh, man,
can I have the check please.
They say, you got
two more dishes.
Man, I can't eat
no more of this shit.
Say, you order shit,
you eat shit.
Who do you think you are,
buster brown?
And they bring you a bill,
don't they.
You ever see them bills,
say $48.50 for what?
Then they get smooth
on your ass, right.
Guy says, you had
the two lobster,
And chop suey.
And if you really
don't understand,
They send that stuttering
mother fucker over there
To explain it to you.
You just end up throwing
your money down and say,
Here, mother fucker,
take what you want.
Just shut the fuck up
before you die.
But a billion people,
There has to be
making love in china.
See, they arent like
black people in china.
See, they fuck quick
and get it over with.
Black people try
to stay in the pussy
Three and four days, right.
Be inventing new ways
to fuck, right.
Just take your leg, baby,
wait a minute, move your arm.
Here, put your...
put your pussy
on this ladder, right.
Now just move around, yeah.
Now hold it, yeah, shit,
there it is, mm-Hmm.
There, goddamn,
don't you move now.
Yeah. Mm-Hmm.
And I just found out
some time ago
That sometimes women
don't have orgasms.
And that fucked me up.
No, cause I just knew
I was doing
Some serious fucking, right.
I'm talking about
Where you get the hump in
your back and shit, you know.
Get all ugly in the face,
you be.
Toes be talking about
And you go,
how was it, baby?
The woman go.
You say, you say.
Well, what the fuck is,
Well, I didn't come.
Well, shit, I did.
Well, what about me?
Say, what about you?
Shit, I got mine, get yours.
Shit, I arent got no time
to be sensitive,
Cause Im macho man.
I don't give a damn
if you come or not,
I'm macho man.
You got to be cool
when you're macho man, right,
Cause you can't be sensitive
And care about if someone
have a good time in bed, shit.
That's too scary, right.
Cause men be scared in bed.
I don't give a fuck
what they tell you women,
When the sex is over,
the man be talking shit like,
Did she come, I wonder if she came
I think she came.
I wonder if it was good to her,
I hope it was good to her.
I'm not going to ask her, though.
I don't give a,
cause if you didn't like it,
That's all right,
I don't care,
Cause I did the best I could,
now fuck her.
That's it.
She's not getting anymore
and that's it.
Please get hard, please.
I don't care what,
don't kiss me no more,
I don't want to be touched.
And some niggers will be lying,
talking about,
I can fuck eight,
nine hours, jack.
You some lying mother fuckers.
You fuck nine hours,
We know where to bury your ass
on the tenth.
Hey, cause I like
making love myself,
And I can make love
for about three minutes.
I do about three minutes
of serious fucking,
Then I need eight hours sleep,
And a bowl of Wheaties.
And you can tell
When you done made good love
to your woman, right,
Because she will go to sleep.
That's when you
really are macho man.
I put your ass to sleep,
Im macho man.
But if you finish fucking
And your woman want to talk
about computer components,
You got some more
fucking to do.
And don't get me wrong now,
They got some women just as
chauvinist as we men are, right.
They got some woman
be talking about,
Oh, no, please stop,
I can't take it,
Oh, please stop.
You say, can you wait
till I put it in?
And usually
when men meet a woman
That says she never had
an orgasm,
Man, we go right past
sensitivity, right,
We go right to the ego, right.
And say, well, bitch,
you going to come this evening.
Get that as soon as I can get
my shit open here.
Man, as much shit
as I got in this briefcase,
I know you going to come.
Just a minute,
now, here
Just relax.
And when you don't use
sensitivity
When you're having sex, right,
or share some of your soul,
Nothing going to happen.
Because men really get afraid,
Men are really scared in bed
of women because they got,
You got to have that macho shit
be working.
Uh, did...
did, uh, did you...
did you, um, uh,
Did you come?
Did you?
Right, cause men get defensive,
if a woman says she didn't come,
Men get real defensive, right.
They won't take their
no fault for shit, right.
They might say anything
when they get scared, right.
Man will go, uh, look, baby,
uh, maybe your pussy's dead.
And women always have
a great comeback, right,
The woman says,
Well, why don't you give it
mouth-To-Mouth resuscitation.
You ever give head
for nine hours?
Your back locks.
Your jaws and shit swell all up,
Your lips look like
a canton, jack.
You be talking about,
Baby,
I can't do any more.
And when you stop,
Women always say,
but I almost came!
Finally, I ended up saying,
I said look,
I'll be the bitch,
you get on top.
And she came, too, right.
She says, oh,
oh, oh, Im coming!
"Close encounters... " melody
She say, how was it?
I say.
Thank you.