Chapter four.
You're a disgrace. You're wasting my oxygen.
Get off your butt and do something.
Hey, you! Stop looking
at the people around you.
I'm talking to you,
the loser who bought this tape.
I've had bowel movements
with more spine than you.
Do you like coming in
second place? Well, I don't.
And from now on, neither do you.
Starting today,
you're a winner and you can do it.
- Got it?
- I'm a winner.
Say it like you mean it,
you little Judy.
I am a winner.
I'm a winner. I can do it.
I'm a winner. I can do it.
I'm a winner. I can do it.
I'm a winner. I can do it.
I'm a winner.
Sir, I've been with this company
for two and a half years now,
and all I've really done
is some clerical work.
I think I'm ready
for some more responsibility.
OK, Barker. What kind
of responsibility are you looking for?
Look, I don't know, sir. I just feel
that I'm being underutilised here.
And I can handle a hell of a lot more
than what I've been given.
I'm just looking for the chance.
You know what, Barker? Maybe you're right.
Let's do it. Why not?
Let's move you upstairs.
See how you do. Give you a chance.
Wow, thank you. Thank you very much.
Yeah, yeah. Put him through.
I gotta take this.
Hello, Bull. Yeah, hang on. Hang on.
Yeah, wait. Barker, do me a favour,
will you, and fire Stavi?
- The janitor?
- Hang on. Yeah, he's doing a terrible job.
But he's a really nice guy.
- Can't you give him a second chance?
- I caught him using my bathroom.
I sat on his pee.
See you. Yeah.
Tell him to be on time.
I'm tired of teeing off late.
Stavi.
Stavi.
Hello, Mr Stevie.
Did you get the Christmas card I sent you?
Yeah.
Hey, listen. I wanna
talk to you for a second.
- Stavi, you don't like yourjob, do you?
- Yes. I like very much.
I get to clean things.
Work with my hands.
But you'd be happier doing something else.
You're a bright guy.
No, not really.
Of course you are, Stavi. You got
a little bit of a language problem, but...
No, no.
In my country, Stavi not too bright either.
Look, trust me.
You're wasting your time here.
No.
No.
No. Stavi can't be fired.
I have five kids. My wife, Betya, she die.
God.
I'm sorry.
Stavi love her...
from the depth...
of his soul.
I'm not firing you.
No?
No. I'm offering you something else -
a betterjob.
Stavi listening.
Would you like to mow the lawn
at my apartment complex?
I can do lawns. How much I get?
- How much do you get here?
- 350. A week.
- I can match it.
- Tempting.
But...
I have so many memories here.
- 400?
- And health benefits?
I can't really swing health benefits.
Please, Mr Stevie. I need health benefits.
I have big family.
You got 'em.
Come on.
It's OK. It's not that big of a deal.
Somebody help me!
I got a bag of fingers here.
My fingers!
- Keep it elevated.
- Man!
Just go right in there.
- Who's Mr Simicek's employer?
- Me.
I'm Dr Ahmed,
head of Reconstructive Surgical Group.
Good news. We can save his fingers.
- Thank you.
- Just a few questions.
What health plan is he on?
It doesn't say here anything.
He's not on one yet.
He's not on HMO?
How about Medicaid?
He doesn't have it. He's not a citizen.
Well, in that case you will need
to cover the cost of the surgery upfront.
- Well, how much is it?
- $28,000, not including the anaesthesia.
- I don't have that kind of money.
- Well, I'm sorry, sir.
As much as I'd like to help,
I can't do the surgery.
- What?
- You don't have insurance or any funds.
There's no way my hospital
can absorb that kind of risk.
How long do I have to raise the money?
Well, if I put the fingers on ice,
they can last for a couple of weeks.
After that, it's not doable.
I'm sorry, sir.
But, Doc...
Come on, Krysinski,
make this field goal.
Please, God, if he puts it through, I
promise, no more massages with happy endings.
- Here's the kick.
- Thank you, God.
I put out to you, you dump on me.
- Yo.
- Uncle Gary, it's Steve.
Hey! Shitbird.
Look, I hate to bother you, but...
I was calling you about that 1500
I loaned you a couple of years ago.
- Loan? I thought it was a gift.
- No. That was definitely a loan.
- I paid you.
- You didn't.
What do you need 1500 for? You got ajob.
- Well, actually, I need 28 grand.
- 28 grand?
What did you do?
Knock up a cheerleading squad?
It's just a stupid thing.
My friend got his fingers cut off and I...
Listen, I'd really like to help you out
with this 1500, but...
You've got me at a bad time now.
I'm on a real... Shit, gotta go.
Don't do...
You owe me $40,000,
which I, as a friend, took your word
that you would pay. And you haven't!
I will, Michael, I will. I promise.
- I got something working now. I promise...
- You know something? You talk too much.
A lot of people say
one thing we don't have today is heroes.
Hey, Michael, that guy you like's on TV.
His name is Jimmy Washington,
but to those who follow Special Olympics,
he's known by one simple word - champion.
You see, Jimmy has won
the last six Special Olympics pentathlons.
Incredible.
That guy's the Deion Sanders of retards.
I like to run and train hard for events,
and get to show I can do anything.
People tell me I'm good. I feel good.
I feel like a happy person.
I feel just like all of you.
I love that kid.
- Who is it?
- It's Paris Hilton.
- You have intimacy problems.
- What do you want, Uncle Gary?
- I don't want anything. I want to help you.
- I don't have any pot.
I don't want pot! I've got good news for you.
- You have money problems, right?
- Right.
Well, so do I. But it's all going to be over.
- Wanna know how?
- How?
We are gonna fix the Special Olympics.
Special Olympics.
We're gonna rig it. You and me.
You wanna fix the Special Olympics?
- Know what? I'm gonna get you a coffee.
- I'm not that drunk.
There's this kid - Jimmy. Wins all the time,
no one can beat him, right? Wrong. You can.
- What are you talking about?
- You were state champion at track in school.
- Division D champion.
- Whatever. You were a great athlete.
You were the best in drama class every year.
I was so proud of you. I kept a scrapbook.
- No, you didn't.
- In my heart I did.
You were a great actor, the best. You could
imitate anybody. Your Diana Ross - a riot.
We thought you'd end up
in Hollywood banging starlets.
That dream didn't work out too good.
Sit. Listen to your uncle. The preliminaries
are being held here in three days.
All you have to do is act like one of them,
not exactly a major stretch for you.
We get you in, you get into the nationals,
I bet 100 on you, we clean up,
your friend gets his fingers back.
Who's gonna take that bet? Vegas?
I know someone who will.
- No, I can't.
- Come on.
A normal guy against a bunch of feebs? You'll
look like Carl freakin' Lewis out there.
I am not fixing the Special Olympics.
It's wrong.
- Hello.
- I'll tell you what's wrong.
Your friend won't have health benefits,
that's what's wrong.
- Look, I wanna help, but...
- But what?
The guy's wife is dead. Think a guy
with no fingers will find another woman?
Even worse - when he comes home,
he won't be able to jerk off properly
because you robbed him of his dignity.
Look, get it through your head.
I am not fixing the Special Olympics!
Hi, guys.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- How are you feeling?
- Not too bad, Mr Stevie.
Were you able to straighten out
the insurance glitch?
Yeah, it's coming along really good.
It's OK if we don't get insurance.
Stavi don't need all his fingers.
No. You need 'em, Stavi.
No, no, it's OK. I look on my bright side.
With not so many fingers, when I'm
gardening, I don't crush the flowers.
I can pick them easy.
God always have a plan.
Look, I promise you,
I'm going to get your fingers back for you.
You're a good man, Mr Stevie.
Stavi Three? Not a hugger.
Children, give Mr Stevie a Stavi goodbye.
Bye, Stavi.
Poor Stavi. He trusted you, believed in you.
He literally gave you his hand in friendship.
Did you know that man's dream
was to play the flamenco guitar?
I'll rig the Special Olympics.
Thank you. Finally, a little humanity.
It doesn't take a smart man
to know what love is.
I love you, Jenny.
- OK. Now you try.
- Try what?
Acting like that.
Come on, man. Start taking this seriously.
- I love you, Jenny.
- Hey! Hey! Commit.
I love you, Jenny.
There, there. Something's missing.
- You should drool.
- OK, Uncle Gary. There you go. Good night.
- Exciting. Isn't it exciting?
- What?
You're acting again.
We ought to come up with a slogan.
A slogan, like,
"Life is like a box of chocolates".
Or, "Take my hands, boss,"
like that monster tard from The Green Mile.
"Monster tard"? What's wrong with you?
What? Since when did "tard"
become politically incorrect?
Good night, Uncle Gary.
I'm going to hell.
My name is Lance, and I like nuts.
My name is Arthel,
and I can count to potato.
Hi, my name is Jerome.
Can I have a slice of your doody?
Hello, my name is Jeffy,
and I like to eat apples.
Boogie-woogie.
- You take care of work?
- Yeah. I got two weeks off.
I told them my Uncle Gary just died.
That's sweet.
Come on, now. Let's not be antisocial.
Hi, my name is Glen.
Guess how many fingers I have.
- Ten.
- No. No. No.
- I have eight fingers and I have two thumbs.
- That's good. An oldie, but good.
Guess what, guess what.
I work at Burger King.
Do you want fries with that?
- What's your name?
- Steve... Jeffy!
Jeffy.
- You talk funny.
- That's cos he's Canadian. Come on.
You know who else was Canadian?
Bill Shatner. TJ Hooker.
And Jim Carrey, the sad clown.
And Alan Thicke, never got him.
And Dave Thomas, not the Wendy's guy,
the other one.
And Alanis Morissette. She has issues.
Hi. My name's Glen.
- God, this is wrong.
- Calm down.
- This is so wrong.
- Will you calm down?
Look, I can't do this.
- You have to. Come on.
- No. Don't make me do this.
- Come on.
- No. No.
Are you all right?
You didn't hurt yourself, did you?
- No.
- Are you all right? Do you need a hand up?
- Do you need a hand up?
- No. Hey. Hurt. Hey.
Can I take just a minute of your time?
You got some schmutz on you.
I'm Lynn. What's your name?
What's the matter, cat got your tongue?
His name's Jeffy.
He's just a little shy.
You know how they are? God bless him.
Cat got my tongue.
Cat got my tongue!
It's a really stupid expression.
Sounds like a bad Dr Seuss title.
- Are you his guardian?
- Yeah, yeah.
It's tough, but someone's gotta feed him,
change his underwear,
show him how to play with his puppets.
Do you have his medical release forms?
We require medical release forms
for all the athletes.
Papers at home.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got all that stuff. It's at home.
Sorry. I swear, sometimes I think I'm the
one who should be wearing the helmet to bed.
Please, please, don't let
the little guy suffer because of my mistake.
Look at him. Look at him.
He's got his heart set on competing.
Don't you, Jeffy?
Go for gold!
Go for gold!
All right. I'll let it slide for now.
Do you wanna grab
a Powerade or a granola bar?
I just need to talk to your guardian.
Be a good boy, OK?
To place him in the events, I just need to
know his qualifying times and his diagnosis.
Well, he's slow, real slow.
- Jeffy want a V8.
- Yeah. No, the diagnosis.
You should see him
trying to eat a watermelon.
I'm sorry. I mean his medical diagnosis.
Well, you know, Lynn,
technically I'm not a doctor, but...
It's a huge Latin word,
"Symptomus Moronicus... "
Highly functioning
developmentally disabled.
All right. Nice. Jeffy, good for you.
All right. Well, let's
just go sign in, shall we?
Goodbye, Uncle Gary.
Very nice, Troy.
Very nice, Rudy. Good job, you guys.
- Hey, you staying out of trouble, Winston?
- No.
We're this way.
We're going to this room right here.
See if Billy is in.
Hey, Billy. Your roommate is finally here.
- Lynn, Matt wants to see you.
- Thank you.
OK, well, I'll just let
you two get acquainted.
My name's Jeffy.
So are you working on the computer there?
No, I'm walking my dog.
"Kids of Widney High. "
What are they, like NSYNC or something?
Scratch!
Scratch!
My stars, for the love of Liza!
- You scratched my CD!
- Why did you scratch his CD?
Jeffy just admiring it.
Do it again and you'll be admiring my butt
from the pavement with a straw!
- What?
- You heard me.
Thanks, Mark.
Asshole.
Billy, Jeffy's sorry
about the whole CD incident.
You scratched my CD, you know.
I know. And I'm really sorry.
You scratched it.
You picked it up in clear daylight
and you scratched it.
I know. You know, we've established that.
Hey, don't give me 'tude.
You scratched my CD, Tex.
If you'll listen to me, I'm not disputing
that. I'm just trying to apologise.
Bye-bye.
That's my chair.
Come on, get up.
Let's go, come on.
There are five events in the pentathlon.
We'll try you in each one,
so we can assess your ability
and see which athletes to put you with.
- Can I be with Jimmy?
- Pardon?
Jimmy from TV. Jeffy big fan.
Yeah, sure,
as long as you finish in the top eight.
But, you know, hey, if you don't,
I'll still love you.
OK, so here is the 100-metre dash,
and this is your first event, so good luck.
Jeffy, the race.
Jeffy forgot.
Well, go for it. Good luck.
On your mark, set...
- Good luck.
- I don't need luck, ugly. Rudy beat your butt.
Winners, line up for the last race
of the day, the 400-metre dash,
which will determine the final divisions.
Shift your butt! What's he doing?
What are you doing?
On you go!
Greatjob, Jeffy.
You finished eighth.
You get to go to the finals with Jimmy.
I'm very proud of you.
Good thinking, pal. Holding back and
letting seven others beat you. Nice touch.
You want to bet on the Special Olympics?
Why not? It's sports.
- Get this piece of crap out of here.
- Look, look, look.
I owe you 40 grand, right?
Well, 100 grand says that Jimmy
is not gonna win the next Special Olympics.
Can you believe this guy?
He can't come up with my 40 Gs
and now wants to bet 100 Gs.
- I'll put up my house.
- You have a home?
- Yeah. Under the freeway.
- Let me get this straight.
You want to bet against the great Jimmy?
You know something? You're sick.
You need help. But I tell you what.
Before you get help, I'll take your house.
Come on, athletes, only eight days
to go till the Games. Let's go.
I wanna see you beat those entry scores.
Two more laps. Let's go, guys.
Like a champion.
Come on, now. Move it out.
My name is Thomas. What's your name?
Jeffy.
Tomorrow, I'm going to talk to Karen.
She's a real good swimmer.
And she can jump high too.
And did I tell you I got a watch?
My aunt sent it to me.
Not my Aunt Helen, my Aunt Ruth.
And when I talk to Karen,
should I wear my shirt up like this?
Or down?
Or up?
Or possibly tucked in?
I don't know, man. Wear it like
you're wearing it. You look great.
What's that?
It's Jimmy.
Jimmy!
- Can I have an autograph, please?
- Get it off eBay.
Who is eBay?
How much until you guys are really happy?
Sorry.
Ignore. He has issues.
- My name is Glen.
- Yeah.
- Hey, guess how many fingers I...
- Eight.
There you go. Next.
Are these days always so brutal?
Good catching up with you.
Hi, Sally. Looking very hot today.
Is that a new hairnet?
Mylanta. You are my woman.
She's nice. I once met a girl speed dating.
We almost went out for a whole minute.
This is my Doberman, Candy.
He usually doesn't bite me,
only sometimes also he does.
Glen, could you pass the ketchup, please?
Glen, can you pass the ketchup?
Yes, I could.
You asked if I could pass the ketchup.
You didn't ask if I would.
Didn't ask if I would.
Guess what, guess what.
I work at Burger King.
You mentioned that.
If you would pass the ketchup,
I would really appreciate it.
You talk different.
- What do you mean?
- You do talk different.
Jeffy talks the same.
You talk different than you did before.
Why do you talk different than before?
- Jeffy talks the same.
- No, you talk different than you did.
Yes, you are.
And one time he talked one way
- and now you talk the other way.
- Exactly.
- Is there a problem, guys?
- Jeffy talked different than he did before.
Jeffy just wanted some ketchup
and Jeffy wanted an apple and...
- Can I have a hug?
- Sure.
- Sounds the same to me.
- Could have fooled me.
Watch out for this wisenheimer, Jeffy.
He can be trouble.
Remember last year when we were
walking just over there and you barfed?
That's cos I had spicy clams.
And then you didn't wake me up on time,
so I didn't have lunch, I had breakfast.
You know what? I'm gonna go say hi.
I'll see you later.
Jeffy, want some company?
- Hi.
- Hi. How's it going?
- Guess how many fingers I have?
- Ten?
No. I got eight. And two thumbs.
- Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?
- Nothing. Why?
Well, I thought
maybe you and I could do something.
Me and you?
Yeah. I thought maybe we could have lunch.
Jeffy could maybe fit you in.
- Great. So I'll see you at one?
- Yeah.
Cool. See you.
- Hey, Jeffy. How are you?
- Good.
I want you to meet my fianc.
How are you doing? I'm David Patrick.
- What's your name?
- Jeffy.
It's Jeffy. Yeah, Jeffy.
I like Jeffy. Jeffy's a good name.
What's your last name?
- You must have a last name.
- Jeffy, you know your last name.
No. Jeffy mentally challenged, remember?
I know it. Your uncle wrote it down
on your forms. It's Dahmor. Jeffy Dahmor.
With an O.
Well, that's great.
Listen, we have some reservations.
Let's hit the road. OK, Jeffy?
I hope you don't mind. I invited Yolie along.
I know how hard it is to meet new people.
Don't worry. Just be yourself.
Hey, Jeffy, did you know
that Yolie is from Seattle?
I hear it rains in Seattle.
Sometimes.
I hear they got coffee there too.
Yes, they have all the major beverages.
You know, I heard that.
You know, I heard a greatjoke today.
This woman took her grandson to the beach
and while she's snoozing,
this huge wave comes and sweeps the boy
out to sea, so he's out there...
Honey! Honey.
That's not really appropriate. You know what
it's like when you're trying to tell ajoke.
We'll be through with lunch
by the time she gets to the punch line.
Hey, I have one that's really funny,
and it's appropriate for everyone.
What time is it
when you have to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty.
- It's a bit of a thinker.
- And really, really old.
- Hey, can I take your order?
- Why don't you guys go first?
I'll have a salad and some lime Jell-O.
All righty. And for you?
- I'll have the ribs.
- Ribs?
Hold on there, cowboy.
That could get kind of messy.
Do you have anything else a little cleaner?
- We have some really good chicken fingers.
- No, he can handle the ribs. Have the ribs.
Ribs. I want the ribs.
Ribs.
So, I was working
in this Baskin-Robbins one summer.
Jeffy found a $20 bill in the john.
And I was happy. I was really happy.
Cos this is the first time
that Jeffy ever caught a break.
Here, fishies.
But then I came to find out
I had a hole in my pocket.
It was Jeffy's $20 bill.
Yeah. We got that.
Excuse me. Gotta go to the restroom.
I'll go with you. You know what they say
about us gals - we always travel in pairs.
- Quite a girl, isn't she, Jeffy?
- Lynn's fantastic.
I was actually talking about Yolie,
but thanks, Jeffy.
So how is everything? Looks like
you did a number on those ribs.
- They're delicious.
- How do you all know each other?
He's in Special Olympics.
Go on, tell her, Jeffy.
I'm in Special Olympics.
That's so sweet of you to get involved.
See, I admire the hell out of these guys.
All the challenges they have to overcome.
I've been helping Jeffy here train for years.
I'd love to do something like that.
How would I get involved?
- Brandi? Is that your name?
- Yeah.
I'd love to do that.
Give me your number and I'll hook you up.
I'm sorry it didn't work out
between the two of you.
I know how hard it can be
to make new friends.
That's why I was so glad when I met David.
What? You don't like David?
David very nice to Jeffy when Lynn around.
- What do you mean?
- David very nice to Jeffy when Lynn around.
But how is he when Lynn's not around?
David poke Jeffy in the chest
and call him stupid.
What?
Why would he poke you?
Jeffy's fault.
Jeffy drank Coke wrong and spill on David.
But David very nice to Jeffy
when Lynn around.
Hello, Thomas.
- What's going on, guys?
- You are so busted.
- You're a faker.
- A motherfaker!
Jeffy doesn't understand.
Jeffy cocoa for Cuckoo Puffs. Jeffy...
- Shut up with that, you stupid A-S-S!
- Yeah, we know you're not "special".
Yeah. You think you can fool us?
- "My name is Jeffy. Can I have a hug?"
- "Jeffy likes apples. "
I've seen better acting on pornos.
- You lay it on too thick.
- Yeah. We do that too. When we want things.
Yeah. Show him what you did last year
when Pamela Anderson came to see us.
- Not so aggressive.
- It took Pamela longer to catch on.
I'm sorry, guys.
It was wrong of me to try and fool you.
Why would you do something like that?
You got no idea
what kind of pressure I'm under.
What's that mean, Jeffy?
It's not Jeffy. It's Steve.
And it's a long story.
What happened was that...
I worked with this guy named Stavi
and I was sent to fire him.
And that's how I got here.
- What?
- Do you know what he's talking about?
- I'm baffled, Jeffy.
- It's not Jeffy. It's Steve.
It's not...
It's Steve, not Jeffy.
I thought you said your name was Stavi.
- No. I'm Steve, not Stavi.
- Just get your story straight.
- Stavi lost his fingers.
- Does he have insurance? Medicare?
Medicaid? Or Aflac?
No! He doesn't have Medicare, Medicaid
or Aflac. That's why I'm in this position.
OK, let me do this again.
I'm gonna start from the beginning.
Stavi worked for me, all right?
And he lost his fingers.
So in summation...
Rudy, come on, stick with me here.
OK, wrap it up.
Stavi is the guy who lost his fingers
and I needed money
so I could get 'em sewn back on.
And that's why I did this.
Wow. Poor Stavi.
Boy, Steve, you really screwed that guy over.
What made you think you could win?
Well, I actually ran track in high school,
and I was division champion at 800 metres.
What was your best time?
2:02, 2:03.
All right, then.
I'm gonna be going.
What?
What are you doing?
I'm packing.
Why?
Cos you guys are right. I'm a faker.
- We want you to stay.
- Yeah, right.
We're serious.
Yeah. We're sick of Jimmy
winning all the time.
Jimmy's a prick.
God. We're sick and tired
of seeing his mug on TV.
Dateline. Wheaties.
Last week, he was on According to Jim.
Let's be fair. That was a good episode.
- You guys think I can beat him?
- I didn't say that.
Maybe. But you have to start trying.
- I am.
- You're at the top level here.
Yeah.
- Hey, guys.
- Hello.
- Hi, Lynn.
- Hi, Lynn.
Listen, I hate to break this up,
but I need to have a talk with Jeffy.
What's this about?
- Hi, David.
- Hey, Jeffy.
Come on over.
Jeffy, I was a little troubled
by our talk, so I called David...
- This isn't necessary, Lynn.
- It is. He shouldn't say hurtful things.
Jeffy, did David really poke you?
No.
Then why did you say that?
Jeffy a small person.
- I think you should apologise to David now.
- Honey, he really doesn't have to.
Well, only if you want to.
- Jeffy want to.
- Great. That's very mature of you.
Absolutely.
- Are you OK?
- Get off of me!
- All right!
- Jeffy wanna go!
Get up, Steve. It's Uncle Glen.
Get up!
It's 3am.
Time to practise, butt-face.
Only a week to get you in shape.
Come on. Ten more minutes, guys.
Come on, Steve. Run.
If you want a betterjump,
you gotta push off your plant foot.
Come on, Jeffy. Push it.
- Damn!
- He's gonna be a real project, isn't he?
You can say that again.
He's gonna be a real project, isn't he?
He stinks out loud.
Protein shake. Drink up.
God. What's in that?
Milk, eggs and meat.
- What kind of meat?
- Raw.
These are my good shoes.
Hey, guys.
How's this helping me win the race?
You know, he raises a good point.
Special Olympics!
How's a blindfold gonna help me run faster?
Take it off and I'll show you.
Sic him, Killer. Get the bad man.
Go get him!
That's a vast improvement.
So this fat-ass floor manager lady
comes up to me,
and she looks like a female Ted Koppel.
She says, "If you wanna piss your time away,
why don't you
move your desk into the urinal?"
Floor manager.
I don't understand, though.
You've been working at thatjob
for two years, but you hate it?
What else am I going to do?
Well, there's always Kinko's.
You must like something, Steve.
In high school, I wanted to be an actor,
but I didn't turn out so hot.
- So you went to Hollywood?
- No.
He went to Broadway. Right, Steve?
Actually, I didn't get around to that either.
Summer stock.
No.
Everyone told me I wasn't
going to make it anyway, though.
People tell us all the time
what we won't ever do.
Won't ever read. Won't ever have ajob.
Won't ever learn to tie my own shoes.
Won't ever have a girlfriend.
I have done all of those things.
- But you can't tie your own shoes.
- And you never had a girlfriend.
- That's right.
- But, guys, acting is hard.
You have to remember lines.
Let's not kid ourselves.
Looks are important in that industry.
- It's true. Very true.
- I'm sorry. Somebody had to say it.
I mean, you probably wouldn't have made it,
but you could have tried.
- You wanna see some really good acting?
- Yeah.
Yeah. He does Chucky from Child's Play.
I'm Chucky. Wanna play?
This camping is fun.
- Is that Karen?
- Don't say her name.
What if she heard you?
I don't want her to know I like her.
Then she...
Did you know Christ was a Jew?
You should go talk to her.
What do I say?
I don't know.
I pretty much stink at that kind of stuff,
butjust go over there
and say something honest.
What a cockblock.
- Hi, how are you today?
- Hi.
- You love Lynn.
- I do not.
Hey. What's happening?
What are you laughing about?
Hello, Lynn.
Hey, Lynn. So today's Friday,
the day before Saturday.
You got any big plans for the weekend?
Big plans? I'm going to Costco.
I got a few things to pick up.
I love Costco. Costco's good.
I love baseball better.
- Can I help?
- Eye contact.
All right. Yeah. Yeah. I could use a hand.
Come along. I'll pick you up at ten, OK?
All right, cool. See you then.
See you guys later.
Can I come with you, sexy?
Smooth move, Ajax.
I would definitely bring protection.
All right.
- Come on.
- I have a terrible singing voice.
Come on.
You're right. You can't sing.
That's OK. Jeffy still loves you.
- This cart is too full.
- You're something else.
Barker?
How are you doing?
I haven't seen you since high school.
- I don't know you.
- Wow. Looks like you're doing OK.
- I think you're confusing him with someone.
- No.
Dude! Come on, it's Peter. Peter Conway.
- Peter's another name for wiener.
- Yes!
- Sir, seriously. You're mixing him up.
- No. You said the same stuff at high school.
I don't know you. I don't know you!
Please, stop! Will you just walk away, sir?
What are you doing? Just walk away.
Walk away.
Dude, you've got to call me.
Man, that is classic. Man!
- You want another gallon of mustard?
- No, thanks.
I'm still pretty full from the jug of relish.
- Jeffy likes taking long trips with Lynn.
- Yeah. Me too, Jeffy.
- Who's that?
- That's my big brother, Jeremy.
He was special. Just like you.
Is he competing this year?
Well, he died a few years ago.
I think you guys
would have been great friends.
Father, I've been
doing something bad, really bad.
- I'm a terrible person.
- There are no terrible people.
Only poor, misguided souls.
Now, please, unburden yourself.
See, I was in a real bind and...
I'm sorry, Father, I
can't even say the words.
My son, there's no sin unforgivable
for those that seek redemption.
I've been pretending
to be mentally challenged
so I can fix the Special Olympics
to make money off of it.
Father?
Jesus, Father.
I'll see you rot in hell.
Piece of crap!
- Jimmy wouldn't say that.
- It's standard. "I'm going to Disney World. "
Come on, Jimbo.
All great athletes say that after they win.
Michael Jordan said it.
Michael Jordan can kiss my butt.
Write me something new.
Jimmy have to work.
100-metre practice. Let's go, guys.
Everybody in the 100 metres take a lane.
Full speed.
- Hey.
- Hay for horses.
How the hell can a guy like that
be beating you? It ain't natural.
Will you cut it out with that stuff?
These guys are great.
- A couple could be in the regular Olympics.
- Maybe on the French team.
There's a guy here from the Bahamas
who ran a marathon in two hours, 45 minutes.
Propaganda. One of ours can beat one
of theirs. It's physics. You gotta push.
- I am pushing.
- Well, push a little harder!
Do it for Stavi! Poor bastard's fingers
are thawing as we speak.
You know what? Maybe I should
just accept the fact that I can't win,
and stop lying to Lynn and everybody else.
Don't go soft on me.
Wait a second, wait a sec...
This is about a piece of ass, isn't it?
Don't call her that.
That's good.
You're doing Jeffy now, right?
Cos you have to be a moron to think she'll fall
for you. She thinks you're mentally retarded!
Christ!
Steve, Steve...
If it's love that you want so bad,
if you win, I'll do you.
- Let's face it, this won't work.
- When the going gets tough, give up.
That's what you're good at.
You've got a chance
to change your whole life.
Become a man. Become a winner.
Now, show some backbone.
Dig down deep and go kick that tard's ass.
Don't ever say that word to me again!
I mean it. These guys are my friends.
It's on.
Suck on that, Billy!
- What happened here?
- The pipe broke.
- Sloppy plumbing.
- It's snowing.
- I had an accident.
- A really big one.
That'll be Mr Billy Joel in February 1974
with "The Piano Man".
What's this one? What's this one?
That's Mr Stevie Wonder in the summer
of 1969 with "My Cherie Amour".
- Stupendous.
- Steve? Go ahead, ask me any movie.
Jaws.
That's a great movie.
Well, I guess it's bedtime.
Let's do something.
Hey, Steve, take us somewhere.
Yeah, right. You guys know
we can't go out at night.
I know. Let's see a movie.
Guys, you know we can't leave, right?
We can't go anywhere.
- Come on, give me a break, Steve.
- Look, I don't even have a car.
You could rent a car. Budget Rent-a-Car.
No drop-off fee whatsoever.
Come on, Steve. We're special.
Help us a little.
- You're gonna play that card?
- Winston wants a hug. Winston likes apples.
I believe that's my thing.
If you let us go out,
I'll let you go out with my sister.
- We've been training you for nothing?
- Come on, Billy.
Told you I was telling the truth, Daddy.
I'm sorry I lied to you.
I'm not proud of myself.
There are a lot of things about me...
Beautiful. There's dancing, and it's dirty.
You're kidding me.
You guys are actually buying into this?
Do you even have a soul?
Mylanta.
Lynn's boyfriend.
Hello, Lynn's boyfriend.
- Wait till I tell the fellas.
- Whoa, whoa. Wait.
You have a girlfriend?
Guess what, guess what.
I just saw Lynn's boyfriend.
He was kissing with a girl.
No. Let's get out of here.
Yeah. Let's go say hello.
- You didn't tell me you had a girlfriend.
- Hi, Lynn's boyfriend and not Lynn.
She's my cousin.
- I'm not his cousin.
- Nice to meet you.
- Is Lynn here?
- No, she's not here. But she might come.
- Hi, David.
- Hi, David. What did you think of the flick?
- What are you guys doing here?
- Jeffy's birthday. Never seen Dirty Dancing.
Hello, waitress.
- No, that's Lynn's boyfriend's cousin.
- I'm not his cousin.
- Not cousin. She's just a buddy.
- Buddy?
He was licking his buddy's ears.
I wasn't licking her ears.
I was just looking for an earring.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, hooker lady.
Seriously, it's probably not a good idea
to tell anybody about this.
Cos it would be a very, very bad thing if they
knew you went off campus this late at night.
I mean, they might not
let you compete in the Games.
God.
It's OK. Don't worry. We won't tell anybody.
Well, there you go.
I always knew you were smart, Jeffy.
Could you take us home, David?
Well, I'd like to, but...
Or we could call Lynn
so that we don't get caught.
What the heck.
I'll swing you guys by on the way home.
Shotgun.
I'm parked out front.
Almost there. OK, guys.
You guys! Where have you?
David, what the hell?
I have been worried sick.
Relax, honey.
I just took 'em to the mall to hang out.
- The mall closes at nine. It's 12 o'clock.
- We stopped off for ice cream.
When the fuck did we get ice cream?
Jeffy, I won't be mad.
Just tell me the truth. Where were you guys?
Did you get ice cream?
David told Jeffy not to talk...
about his pants around his ankles
and the girl looking for her earring.
How could you?
They're making up stories.
It's late for them.
- They're delirious.
- Was I sleeping?
Will you get these guys to their rooms?
Come on, Lynn.
Can I get that ice cream now?
Hi, this is Steve Levy, coming to you
from Bobcat Stadium in San Marcos, Texas.
This'll serve as the home for the track
and field events for Special Olympics.
The Games are coming up next, live.
I'd like to place $1,000 on Jeffy.
On Jeffy?
You got it.
Let me win, but if I cannot win,
let me be brave in the attempt.
First up in the pentathlon,
the long jump.
You know, you really got to love the grit and
determination of these very special athletes.
Up next, Glen Chervin. This young man has
competed in the last five Special Olympics,
always finishing near the top.
5.5 metres. Wow, that's one heck of ajump.
Jeffy!
And newcomer Jeffy Dahmor, with an O.
This is Jeffy's first Special Olympics.
Whoa! 6.1 metres.
That's gonna be hard to beat.
Here comes Jimmy Washington,
always the crowd favourite.
When it comes to Special Olympics
records, Jimmy practically wrote the book.
6.5 metres.
And Jimmy Washington wins the long jump.
Hey, Jimmy.
Next up, it's the shot put.
Thomas Eppedio. You know, this guy
might not be the most talented athlete here,
but he's certainly got
one of the biggest hearts.
Glen Chervin with quite a nice toss.
Jimmy Washington tosses it
just a bit further.
It's Jeffy Dahmor's turn.
Yes! We have today's first upset.
The newcomer Jeffy Dahmor
wins the shot put.
And the officials
have raised the bar now to 1.6 metres.
This is quite high for most of the athletes.
Glen Chervin tries.
Even the great Jimmy Washington
is having trouble.
It's all up to Jeffy Dahmor now.
And he does it!
Jeffy Dahmor wins
his second consecutive event.
Runners, take your marks.
And now, the final event of
the day - the 100-metre hurdles.
Set.
Come on, Jeffy. Leap! Leap!
Jump higher, jump higher!
Come on. Come on.
The true champion
is showing his colours today,
as Jimmy Washington
easily takes the 100-metre hurdles.
Wow, this is truly amazing, folks.
After four of the five events,
Jimmy Washington is only five points ahead
of a remarkable newcomer, Jeffy Dahmor.
Folks, it has come down to
tomorrow's final event, the 400-metre run,
the Cadillac of Special Olympics competition.
It's worth approximately 250 points,
depending upon their times.
This will decide whether Jimmy Washington
or Jeffy Dahmor takes home the gold.
How come guys like us never get the girl?
Don't lump me in with you.
I get the girl sometimes.
Calm down. I was just trying to cheer you up.
How? By calling us both losers?
Can I have your autograph, Jimmy, please?
Yeah. Jesus!
- Hi, Lynn.
- Hey, Jeffy. Where's your date?
Jeffy's kind of stag tonight.
That's OK.
I haven't eaten in ten minutes.
You wanna find some food?
Ten minutes.
Come on, let's go.
You'll have to excuse me.
I kind of pig out when I get depressed.
- Why Lynn depressed?
- Well, I'm upset cos of David.
- Tell Jeffy the joke.
- What?
The joke with the boy at sea.
The one you were going to tell at lunch.
- You don't wanna hear me butcher it.
- Come on. I bet you knock it out of the park.
So there's this old woman.
She was, like, a grandmother.
She's probably 80 or something,
and she brings her grandson to the beach.
And he's little. He's like, you know, three.
Or, like, three and a half or fourish.
The boy's young. Jeffy get it.
- Well, the grandmother...
- Jeffy. Jeffy!
The Kids of Widney High is on. Come on!
I've never seen Billy this excited before.
Billy a big fan of Kids of Widney High,
so Jeffy called number on back of CD
and asked them to come.
That was really nice of you.
You never stop surprising me.
You're a really good person, Jeffy,
you know that?
You wanna dance?
- No, no. Jeffy not a good dancer.
- Come on, I'll teach you.
No.
- Give me a "yeah".
- Yeah!
Another "yeah".
- Once more.
- Yeah!
Would you teach Jeffy how to slow-dance?
Yeah, sure. Come on.
You've gotta put your arms around me. Not
on my stomach. Just sort of around my waist.
And I'll put my arms around you
and we'll just move.
What's wrong?
Special Olympics are almost over and...
- Jeffy's going to miss Lynn.
- No. Hey, we'll still hang out.
We'll still be friends.
Jeffy would like that.
Lynn's perfect.
Makes Jeffy wanna wake up in the morning.
Lynn needs someone to appreciate her,
like she's the only girl on the planet.
That's...
That's the nicest thing
anybody's ever said to me.
I think you're pretty perfect too, Jeffy.
You're kind and funny.
And really brave.
Jeffy, no, no. I'm sorry. I didn't...
- It's Jeffy's fault.
- No. It's not your fault. It's not.
You did nothing wrong. I...
God, I'm sorry. Jeffy, I have to go.
Billy, are you up?
No.
Let me ask you something.
Do you think there are good people
and bad people, or...
do you think life gets so hard sometimes,
good people have to do bad things?
Nah! Just good people and bad people.
There's no grey areas.
- I feel horrible. It's entirely my fault.
- Lynn, there's no way it was your fault.
Matt, you weren't there.
I'm a volunteer, he's an athlete.
It's not allowed,
and I let him think it was a real date.
I don't deserve to be here.
- I can't do this any more.
- Well, what are you saying?
I'm done. It's over for me.
Steve Levy here with arguably the greatest
Special Olympian ever, Jimmy Washington.
Folks at home wanna know -
what are you feeling heading into this?
I feel great. Like always.
Jimmy's going to win.
You've won six consecutive gold medals.
Jeffy Dahmor could
get in the way of number seven.
Jeffy Dahmor? Who's Jeffy Dahmor?
Look at me.
I'm young, handsome. Top shape.
Bring on Jeffy Dahmor.
Jimmy's gonna bring home the gold.
Clearly, lack of confidence
will not be an issue.
Steve Levy reporting from Bobcat Stadium,
home of Special Olympics.
Here we go. This is it.
Will Jimmy Washington win
his seventh consecutive gold medal?
Or is there a new champion on the horizon?
Ladies and gentlemen, if you're not
enjoying this action, check your pulse.
Jimmy, you're going down.
Goodbye, Wheaties.
Goodbye, Hollywood squad.
Goodbye, bling-bling.
Take your mark.
Set.
Come on! Come on!
Now's your moment! Last chance!
Go for it! Go! Go! Go!
Come on!
That's it! That's it!
Thank you, God! Thank you!
What are you doing? What are you doing?
Don't go back. Go this way!
Attaboy, Jeffy!
- Come on, Jimmy, get up.
- That's it. Get him up.
What are you doing,
you stupid son of a bitch?
You're a loser. You've always been a loser!
So Glen Chervin wins the 400-metre race.
And here we go. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, wow.
What a stunning upset.
The gold medal goes to a remarkable
young underdog. It's Glen Chervin.
Jimmy, you suck!
Wait a minute. Jimmy didn't win?
Jimmy didn't win! Isn't it wonderful?
Jimmy didn't win! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
You did great.
- I came in fourth.
- That's OK, Thomas. I came last in my race.
- You complete me.
- I do?
Glen, you won!
What? I did?
- I'm sorry.
- What are you sorry about?
Well, now Stavi can't get his fingers back.
No, he can. All Jimmy had to do was lose.
And he did, because of you.
Well, if I knew that,
I wouldn't have stayed behind you so long.
Excuse me.
Jeffy, you were so great.
I'm so proud of you.
Thanks.
Congratulations, Jeffy. Great race.
Would you come with me, please?
That was terrific sportsmanship, Jeffy.
I'm proud of you.
And now, the bronze medal
goes to Jeffy Dahmor.
That's my friend Jeffy!
My friend Jeffy!
Congratulations, Jeffy.
The winner of the silver medal,
Jimmy Washington.
Congratulations, Jimmy.
And the gold medal goes to Glen Chervin.
- Congratulations, Glen.
- You're welcome.
Let's have a big round of applause
for our terrific pentathlon athletes.
Thank you for coming out.
This has been the best Special...
- Excuse me. Can I say?
- Sure.
Excuse me, everyone.
I have something to say.
I can't accept this.
I can't accept this because I'm a fraud.
I'm not mentally challenged.
You're disgusting.
I don't even deserve
to be on the same field as these people.
So I'm gonna give this award to the person...
The champion who deserves it.
Thomas.
Thomas!
Come here, man.
Stand up here.
All right!
You were right behind me, buddy.
This belongs to you.
I'm so... This is such a great honour.
I'm very excited from the bottom of my heart.
And I would like to dedicate
this to a very, very special girl.
Lynn, I am so...
But soft.
What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet's the sun,
yadda, yadda, yadda.
Come on, Billy. You're phoning it in.
Look, I told you. Jackie Gleason
didn't rehearse and neither do I.
You scratched my CD, you know. You picked
it up in clear daylight and you scratched it.
Yeah, I know,
but I thought we put that behind us.
Now, come on, Billy.
Let's do it from the top.
Keep your pants on, Spielberg.
Thanks for springing for lunch. Next
time, we'll go Danish and split it 60-60.
- Don't you mean 50-50?
- What? You don't tip?
I'm glad you called.
I've missed you. It's great to catch up.
Yeah. Good times. Listen...
You wanna come in
and meet some of the fellas I work with?
- They're a hoot.
- Sure.
Come on, Billy, from the top.
But soft. What light?
- Could you fix the lighting, please?
- What?
Steve, please, be a love.
Thomas, where's my water?
My throat is parched.
What kind do you want? Evian or tap water?
- Surprise me.
- Freakin' stars.
Hey, guys. Look what the cat dragged in.
- Hi, Lynn.
- Hi, Lynn.
- Hi, Lynn!
- Hi, Lynn.
My God. Are you OK?
Are you OK, Mr Stevie?
How many fingers do you see?
- Do you need a medic?
- He probably needs mouth-to-mouth, Lynn.
I'll do it.
- I'm good! I'm fine.
- Come on, baby.
- Mr Clumsy.
- Are you OK?
I'm fine. I broke the fall with my forehead.
Steve gave us all jobs.
Isn't that wonderfully nice, Lynn?
One could almost say Christ-like.
Yeah.
I'm starting to feel
like you guys are playing me.
Lynn, I promise I had nothing to do with it.
It's true, Lynn. He's totally ignorant.
Yeah.
Thanks, Winston.
- Guys, can we be alone for a few moments?
- Absolutely.
Eye contact.
Come on.
Lynn, you have no idea how sorry I am.
- It's OK. I forgive you.
- You do?
I didn't at first, but I forgive you.
You saw the thing on 20/20?
No.
Me. I tell.
- Stavi?
- I told her everything.
How you got me the job, how you scammed
the system so I could get my fingers back.
And how you secretly want to marry her.
I don't remember saying that.
Starting fresh?
Yeah. I'd like that.
It's a start.
Come on! Give him a kiss.
Get a room! I gotta do a play here tonight.
Who needs tickets?
You're not a cop?
You got tickets? OK.
Cheaper than the box office,
you'll save money.
But soft!
What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief.
When he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds,
And sails upon the bosom of the air.
On second thought, life is short.
I love you.
Hit the music, fellas.
Don't ignore me when you walk by
I'm not that different and that's no lie
All we're asking is for a little respect
- What's up? What's up?
- Respect
- What's up? What's up? What's up?
- Respect
R- E-S-P-E-C- We'll be brave whatever you do
R- E-S-P-E-C- Better watch out, it could happen to you
Don't dis, don't dis, don't dis, don't dis
Don't dis, don't dis, don't dis, don't dis
- What's up? What's up? What's up?
- Respect
- What's up? What's up? What's up?
- Respect
- What's up? What's up? What's up?
- Respect
- What's up? What's up? What's up?
- Respect
Respect, respect