CARMINE:
Holy Mary, Mother of God...
...pray for us sinners now
and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women and...
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou.
Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners in our death.
Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with
thee. Blessed art thou among women...
[SPRAYS]
[WHISPERING INAUDIBLY]
I wanna go back to Cleveland.
PROCLO: Your grandfather
is very sick, sweetheart.
Papa!
Viv, don't. Please, viv.
- Daddy.
- Yes, angel?
Who are all these people?
PROCLO:
Your relatives, sweetheart.
GILDA:
I don't like them.
[DOOR OPENS]
Carmine.
Vivian.
Vieni qua.
VIVIAN:
No!
Vivian.
VIVIAN: Speak to us, Papa.
CARMINE: Give us your blessing.
Vivian.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
Oh, yes, Papa.
Get Proclo.
VIVIAN:
Get Proclo, Papa?
Yes, Papa. He's just outside.
I'll bring him in for your blessing.
Oh, Papa, he'll be so pleased.
He thought you hated him
all these years.
Oh, Papa.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
- Carmine.
- Yes, Papa. I'm here, Papa.
Get Proclo.
Get Proclo, Papa?
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
Kill him. Kill the son of a bitch.
Papa, he's my husband.
Get Proclo.
[COUGHING]
- Papa!
- Aah!
[PEOPLE SCREAMING
AND DoG BARKING]
Get Proclo?
[CHURCH BELLS CHIMING]
That's 219 coming up, 219.
BEN: Good evening.
- Yeah.
BEN: Nasty night.
- Is it?
I'm one big puddle.
Well, watch where you're dripping,
I just mopped.
Sorry. I'd like a room, please.
Sure you would.
So you can go drip in there.
Ten bucks.
You sign the registration.
- I'll check your valuables.
BEN: I know.
You're dripping.
- What?
- I said, "You're dripping."
Well, of course I'm dripping.
It's pouring out there.
Well, try not to.
They don't like you dripping here.
Thank you.
See you.
- Hope not.
- That's 416, coming up.
- That is 416.
- Well, that's a good floor for that one.
Nobody ever goes up there.
Well, look who's back.
Hello, stranger.
Hello, Abe.
Oh, no.
- I thought you'd sworn off this place.
- Well, I thought I had too.
ABE:
You got homesick for us, right?
Didn't have much choice.
Been barred from the Atheneum.
ABE: Come on. Nobody gets
barred from the Atheneum.
How did you manage that?
- Well, there was this man there...
- A fat man, right?
Fat?
He was the Magic Mountain.
He drove me into one of my frenzies.
I went berserk and kicked his door open.
So they threw me out,
told me never to come back.
I was willing to pay for it.
I just wanted to talk. You know how I am.
- Hey, you wanna check that?
- Oh, no, no. That's my costume.
I'm entered in a talent contest tonight.
It's good to be back, Abe.
I feel strangely optimistic
about this evening.
- Yeah, well, don't kick any doors in.
- I hope I don't have to.
Driver, I left my money.
Will you wait? I'll be right back.
320 coming up. That is 320.
- I'd...
- Good evening, I wonder...
There's a line, buddy.
CHUCK: There's a line.
- Surely.
I'd prefer something on 3.
Did they ever put you on 4?
It's Siberia up there.
Thank you.
That's 421 coming up. That is 421.
Hey, can you...? Could...? Could...?
Could you...?
Can you cash a check for me?
It's on ohio State National.
What do I look like, a teller?
You don't understand.
I got a cab waiting. I'll be back.
I am planning to come here.
That's why I got a cab to go
somewhere and stay. I've come, see?
ABE:
You got a credit card?
PROCLO: Right here, yeah.
- I can take that.
Yeah, well, he can't.
[HoRN HoNKING]
You hear that? That's him.
Look, I got all the identification
in the world.
Blue Cross, Rotary Club,
driver's license.
Here. Here's my business card.
"Proclo Sanitation Services,
Gaetano Proclo, president."
That's me.
- I'm sorry.
PROCLO: Oh, come on.
Do I look like someone
who would try to pass a bad check?
Yeah.
Yeah, of course I do.
Now can you see me?
Everything else is real.
Who are you running from?
My maniac brother-in-law who's gonna
kill me tonight if he can find me.
You're looking at a potential dead man.
I'm begging you.
It's a matter of life and death.
CHRIS:
Hey, all right.
- Does anybody have a cab waiting?
PROCLO: What?
- Is that your cab out there?
PROCLO: Yeah.
You've also got
one very pissed off driver.
PROCLO:
How pissed off is he?
On a 10 scale, 10.
Darn it.
Please!
Well, I really shouldn't
be doing this, but...
- You're a good man...?
- Abe.
Abe.
Abe, I'm gonna have a novena said
for you when I get back to Cleveland.
- What's your last name? Abe what?
- Leftkowitz.
I'll still have a novena said for you
when I get back.
Thank you. Excuse me.
[HoRN HoNKING]
I had a novena said for me once.
- I asked to wake up gorgeous.
ABE: So, what happened?
Well, look at me.
[CHUCKLING]
- Hey, Chris, you wanna sign in?
- You bet I will.
- How is that gorgeous son of yours?
- You're too late, he's getting married.
- Terrific. You give him my love, will you?
- Sure thing.
- He need someone to practice with?
- He's been practicing.
- That's why he has to get married.
- Yeah.
Well, compared to me, Abe,
she would have to be an amateur.
Ronald Reagan? Oh, come on, Chris.
Oh, you know he used to be lovers
with John wayne.
ABE:
Sure he did.
Right after he broke up
with Xavier Cugat.
People like you think the world
is queer.
Well, it's lucky for people like you it is.
[CAB DRIvER LAUGHING]
All right.
CAB DRIvER:
Change a 10.
He can't change a 10. Do you believe it?
New York City, one of the great cities of the
world. This driver I have can't change a 10.
Hey, did I ever have you?
- What?
- I've got a rotten memory that way.
- You never used to live in Rego Park?
- No.
CHRIS: You look like someone
I knew from Rego Park.
PROCLO: I'm afraid not.
CHRIS: He was a large man like you.
He was in ladies shoes, I remember.
Well, I'm from Cleveland
and I'm in refuse. Excuse me.
CHRIS:
I guess not, then. Sorry.
PROCLO:
Perfectly all right.
A gay garbage man?
You never can tell.
That's so true. I mean, look at me.
If you just saw me walking down the street
you'd think I was a queen.
[WHISTLE BLowlNG]
Try to hold out, men. Help is on the way!
340 coming up. That is 340.
She's here, boys.
[IN HIGH volCE]
I'd like a room, please.
One of your private rooms.
How much is that?
ABE: You want what?
- A room.
- I was told you had private rooms?
- Yeah, we got rooms.
Well, then I'd like one, sir.
How much is that?
How long?
- Is what?
- How long do you want the room for?
Three or four hours should be sufficient
for my purposes.
I don't care what your purposes are.
Twelve is our minimum.
- All right, 12 then, sir.
- All right, that's 10 bucks.
You check your valuables
and sign the register.
Tell me something.
Has a...
Balding, middle-aged, fat man
come in here recently?
I don't believe
what just came in here recently.
You're not a cop, are you?
I'm a detective.
Michael Brick, the Greybar Agency.
What do I do now?
Through there and up the stairs.
- Someone will show you your room.
- Thank you, sir.
- And let me give you a little tip, Brick.
- Yes, sir?
Stay out of the steam room.
- Why, sir?
- It gets pretty wild in there.
Oh, I can take it, sir.
In my line of work,
I get to do a lot of wild things.
This is my first seduction job.
- Wish me luck.
- With that voice you gonna need it.
Save your money. Ten bucks for this place
is 10 bucks for nothing.
[CHATTERING IN SPANISH]
No rain, he tells me.
No rain, he says.
No rain.
Fucking weatherman.
That little maricn.
One spot on this dress and I am finished.
The biggest night of my life,
it's pissing dogs and cats.
That's cats and dogs.
Are you a producer?
No.
Are you sure?
- Yes.
- Oh.
That's okay. You never know, huh?
[SCREAMS THEN
CHATTERING IN SPANISH]
My hair. Not my hairs.
All right. Go ahead, say it.
No, it's okay, I can take it.
Tell me I look like shit.
Why would I say something like that
to such an attractive young lady?
You boys really know how to cheer up a girl
when she's down in the dump.
My boyfriend Hector see me do that,
he killed you with a knife this big.
He hates maricnes, that Hector.
It's okay.
He's a ball-breaker with me too, mister.
But I'm going to show them, chico.
And tonight is the night
I'm going to do it.
I heard on the grapevine...
...there's going to be a big producer
out in the front...
...watching your show tonight. Unquote.
Some day you're going to see
the name of Googie Gomez in lights.
And you are gonna say to yourself:
"Was that her?"
And then you gonna answer to yourself:
"That was her."
But you know something, mister?
I was always her, just nobody knows it.
- Who the hell was that?
- Googie.
- I thought this is a bathhouse.
ABE: It is.
- No, I mean, a male bathhouse.
- It is.
- What she doing in here?
- Googie sings in The Pits.
The pits? What pits?
- The nightclub.
- You got a nightclub in there?
We got nightclub, movies, swimming
pool, steam room, massage table...
...discothque, bridge, amateur night
and free blood tests every wednesday.
ABE:
How did it go today, Mo?
Eh.
[SIGHS]
Oh, boy. I don't wanna
even think what she does.
Mo is just our accountant.
When I couldn't get a plane,
I told the cab...
...to bring me to the last place
Carmine would look for me.
You found it.
Now, you put your valuables in there.
- And you sign the book.
- Thank you.
Except everybody in the world's
already in there.
- I need calm, safety, privacy tonight.
ABE: All right.
Keep your door locked
and stay in your room.
Don't worry, I will.
"Ronald Reagan"?
ABE: You can write John Doe for all I care.
- Any name at all?
Abe, I'm gonna talk to the pope
about getting you canonized.
"Carmine vespucci."
Bensonhurst...
"...Brooklyn."
Who's that?
My maniac brother-in-law.
He was gonna kill me tonight.
- What did you do?
- I got born and married his sister.
Listen, do you mind
if I ask you a personal question?
The man who save my life
can ask me anything at all.
- You ever been in a place like this?
- Oh, sure.
We got a Jack De Lane's in Cleveland.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
ABE [o vER P.A.]: 210 coming up.
That's 210. Tiger, make sure it's c/ean.
Hey, where's room 210?
- It's up there.
- Thank you.
[GASPING]
Hello there.
Hello.
What seems to be the trouble?
Well, I'm looking for room 210.
Oh, well,
you just come right along with me.
Thank you very much.
It's there.
There will be an orgy beginning
in room 340 in exactly four minutes.
Orgy in 340, four minutes.
I couldn't resist
taking this panettone back with me.
I just love panettone
and you can't get this brand in Cleveland.
Do you like panettone?
- It's right here.
- Oh, thank you.
Uh...
Uh...
This doesn't look like room 210.
See, there are clothes here.
You'll never guess what I made for dinner
so I'm going to tell you.
- I beg your pardon?
- A nice, rich, ground-pork meatloaf...
...with mozzarella cheese center, gobs
of mashed potatoes swimming in gravy...
...carrots floating in butter and for a salad,
avocado chunks with Roquefort dressing.
Could you just die?
I could just...
- I don't know what I could...
- Then, Dutch chocolate cake...
...with big scoops of mocha walnut
ice cream...
...and a fudge malted.
- It sounds delicious.
- You could have been there.
- I was in Brooklyn.
- Lf you'll excuse me.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
How about an clair?
Some homemade brownies? I know.
- A corned beef on rye with a nice dill pickle.
- No, really, I'm not hungry.
[CLAUDE SQUEALS]
How much do you weigh?
- What?
- What is your weight?
- Two-ten, 220?
- Two-twenty.
Two-twenty.
Jellyroll baby.
- You're my jellyroll man.
- I think there's some confusion here.
Jellyroll cupcake,
I'm your jellyroll fan.
In fact, I know
there is some confusion here.
Stop. You're hurting me.
I'm hurting you?
Help. Help. Help.
[CLAUDE SQUEALING]
All right, fat man,
leave the little guy alone.
Come. Aren't you supposed to be
in 210?
You get up there
and don't cause any more trouble.
What do you think this is,
the YMCA?
Listen, I'm sorry. It won't happen again.
Oh.
Well, I certainly hope not.
Hello.
Boy, I had
quite a little experience in there.
That guy's got quite a problem.
People like that shouldn't be allowed
in a place like this, you know.
My, what unusual pants.
They look like cowboy chaps.
They are cowboy chaps.
Yeah, I was just thinking
I thought they looked like cowboy chaps.
Well, if you gentlemen will excuse me,
I'd like to get out of these clothes.
Goodbye, it was nice talking to you.
[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
BRICK:
Hello.
Mr. Vespucci?
My name is Michael Brick.
I'm with the Greybar Detective Agency.
You hired my partner
a couple of hours ago...
...to get something
on a Mr. Gaetano Proclo tonight.
Only my partner's sick,
so I'm taking over for him.
Now, I believe you said
we'd find him at the Ritz.
I just got here.
Now, what exactly did you want me
to get on him, sir?
All I need is a room number
with you and him in it.
That sounds easy enough, sir.
Let me see if I've got his description right.
A balding, middle-aged fat man.
That's not much to go on, Mr. Vespucci.
But I'll do my best.
One of those transvestites is standing
right next to me. I'll have to...
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
I can't talk now.
I think he's surrounding me
for unnatural things.
Hey, chico, I was just going talk to you.
Hello, boys. Is he here yet?
- Who?
- Who?
What did you mean who?
There is only one "who" I'm interested
in you telling me about.
Listen, Tiger, you told me there was
going to be a big producer here tonight.
I dress special. I do the hairs special.
- Lf you are lying to me, Tiger...
- Hey, can't you take a little joke?
My career is no joke.
- Nobody's career is never no joke.
- We were just trying to build you up.
Listen, I tell you something,
and I mean this.
You ever hear of instant laryngitis?
No producer be out there tonight.
That's what I got.
Instant laryngitis. And you and Duff
are going to do the show alone.
Those are my words.
They come from the heart.
And I am now officially sick.
Come on, Tiger. Showtime.
- What do you mean?
- Googie's Mr. Big Producer just checked in.
- He's gonna be sitting poolside.
- Well, how we gonna manage that?
We're not. But with a little help
from our friend here... Are you 210?
- Yeah, something like that.
- No, I meant your room.
- Oh, so did I.
- It's right this way.
- Follow us.
- Thank you.
Boy, this place is like a Chinese maze.
Just try to stay out of 105 from here on,
all right?
What's in 105?
That's the room I had to pull you out of.
You could hurt somebody doing that.
Wait a minute, I thought that guy
was taking me to my room.
You don't think I went in
because I wanted to?
You trying to tell us
he's a chubby chaser?
A chubby what?
You know. It's somebody who likes...
- You mean, like me?
- You're right up his alley.
I knew a guy like that once.
I didn't know what to call him.
"Get-Away-From-Me Claude"
was all I could come up with.
Chubby chaser. Hey, that's pretty funny.
Unless you happen to be the chubby
they're chasing.
Thanks for the tip.
- Now if you need anything, Mr...?
- Vespucci. Carmine vespucci.
DUFF: I'm Duff, he's Tiger.
TIGER: You just holler.
Not so fast. What about slippers?
- Slippers?
- Slippers.
Well, where do you think you are,
New York Athletic Club? Slippers.
Boy, you could catch athlete's foot
in a place like this.
You're lucky if that's all you catch.
Seclusion.
A little simple seclusion.
Is that asking too much, God?
ABE [OVER P.A.]: All guest are
requested to shower before entering the poo/.
That's not us, men, it's a city ordinance.
PROCLO: Yeah?
- Are you there?
PROCLO:
Who is it?
Room service.
PROCLO:
Who?
- Go away.
CLAUDE: I've got a box of Hershey bars.
PROCLO:
I said, go away. Ow!
CLAUDE:
Peter Paul Mounds, Milky ways.
PROCLO:
Go away.
I can make you very happy.
PROCLO: I know what you are now.
You're a chubby chaser.
- I know.
PROCLO: Stop it.
- How?
- I don't know.
Are you still there?
CLAUDE [SINGING]:
Love, your magic spell lis everywhere
Someday he'll come along
The man I love
Along came...
who? Who? Then along came who?
Vespucci?
[SINGING]
Vespucci
I just met a boy named vespucci
PROCLO:
Okay.
- And suddenly that name, yeah
PROCLO: All right. You win.
- Will never be...
PROCLO: You win, mister.
What?
PROCLO:
What's your room number?
- 105.
- 105. All right, you go...
You go down to 105
and I'll be right there.
CLAUDE: Do you promise?
- On my mother's grave.
Get away from the door. If you're still there
when I come out the whole deal is off.
Yeah, and if you're not down
in my room in five minutes...
...then I'm gonna come up here
and break your knees.
Don't push your luck...
...with Claude Perkins.
[MoUTHING]
Claude Perkins?
No.
No, it can't be the same one.
No, he's dead. He has to be dead.
Claude Perkins.
That's all I need now.
No.
Oh, no.
Oh, please, open up. Oh!
[DooR RATTLING]
Hey, boy, you with the key. Boy.
[IN HIGH volCE]
Hey, you boy, you with the key.
Oh, boy. You with...
[SQUEALS]
[CLEARS THRo AT]
My throat, I'm sorry.
Too many cigarettes, you know.
I hear the Knicks tied it up
in the last quarter.
Crisco.
What?
Crisco oil party.
Crisco oil party?
Room 419. Pass it on.
Pass what on?
- Bring Joey.
- Who's Joey?
You know Joey.
Don't bring Chuck.
You got that?
Crisco oil party.
Room 419.
I can bring Joey but not Chuck.
Check.
What's the matter with Chuck?
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Chuck is definitely out.
Hey, you won't be disappointed.
PROCLO:
Okay, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Be calm.
Stay natural. Don't get hysterical.
It's just...
Haven't you ever heard
anyone talk to himself before?
CHUCK:
All the time in this place.
Hey, is your name Joey?
CHUCK: It's Chuck.
- Stay away from me!
[KNOCKING]
- Excuse me.
- I'm resting.
- May I come in?
- No. No, I said, I'm resting.
- Oh, I'm looking for someone.
- No, no. I told you, I'm resting.
- That's okay, I just wanted to ask you...
- Hey.
What do you need,
a brick wall to fall on your head?
Resting.
It's a euphemism
for not interested, skinny.
[HUMMING]
MAN [ON TAPE RECORDER]:
Oh, I couldn't. Are you...? No.
[MAN STAMMERING]
Yes, yes, yes. Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, yes. Oh, God, yeah.
[MAN GRUNTING]
Cigarette?
[TAPE RECORDER WHIRS]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING
ON TAPE RECORDER]
Telephone call for Joe Namath
in room 340.
That's long distance
for Mr. Joe Namath, 340.
There, you see,
I knew I wasn't a crazy person.
I mean, Joe Namath.
There's no way that the man...
...who led the Jets to so many
victories could be a... You know.
"Mr. Namath,
I wonder if I might have an autograph."
It's not for me,
it's for my 10-year-old Gilda.
"She's a big fan of yours,
Mr. Namath, and I wondered if..."
"Mr. Namath, excuse me,
I wonder if we might have an autograph.
It's not for me, it's for my..."
Mr. Namath?
[CHUCKLES]
You're not Joe Namath.
Neither are you.
- I thought you were Joe Namath.
- Oh, it's the lighting.
- I was praying you were Joe Namath.
- I don't blame you.
- I mean, you just had to be him.
- Are you eating your heart out, honey?
I don't know what I'm doing.
Join the club.
It's like some strange heterosexual
gypsy curse was put on this place.
- How's the orgy room?
- I haven't...
- The steam room?
- No. No.
Well, no wonder you haven't made out.
- That's my son you've got in there.
MAN: Buzz off.
One mark on that boy's body, wanda,
and I'm calling the police.
I tried. Come on, I'll show you around.
No, thanks,
I was on my way to my room.
Come on.
Hey, I don't do this sort of thing
for just everybody. I'm an expert guide.
- Hey, there's something I better tell you.
- Sweetheart, relax.
You are not my type.
I just wanna help you find yours.
Hello.
We said hello.
[KNUCKLES CRACKING]
Margaret Dumont.
We thought you were dead.
There's a reason some of us
don't ride the subway.
I'm looking right at it.
Is that supposed to mean me?
Screw you, honey.
If there's one thing I can't stand...
...it's a queen without a sense of humor.
Die with your secret.
Miserable piss-elegant fairy.
Dusty. What are you having?
Hey, look.
There's something I wanna tell you.
I'm afraid...
Look, I'm afraid I'm not...
BARTENDER:
There you go, Chris.
- You're not gay?
- No.
CHRIS: What are you,
a social worker or something?
Hey, wait a minute.
You mean to tell me
that everybody here is... Is...
Gay!
It's not such a tough word,
you might try using it sometime.
- Nobody the opposite?
- I sure as hell hope not.
I didn't pay 10 bucks
to walk around with Shriners.
Sorry. I didn't know what I was getting
into when I came here tonight.
I am scared. I'm troubled.
I'm confused. I'm sorry.
Hey, that's okay.
You're gonna think I'm crazy,
but my brother-in-law is planning to kill me.
- Man, are you putting me on?
- Boy, I wish I were.
- You picked a gay baths to hide out in?
- I didn't.
I told the cab driver to bring me to the last
place anybody would look for me.
- Don't worry, you found it.
- Sure. Yeah.
And now I got
a chubby chaser after me.
Why don't you just go to your room
and try to get some sleep?
Sleep?
Yeah, strange as it may seem,
no one is going to attack you.
Someone already has.
Beginner's luck.
Now, if you will excuse me, darling,
I'm gonna try my luck in there.
And us B girls work better solo. See you.
[IN HIGH volCE] Hello, everybody,
my name is June. What's yours?
MAN:
Hi.
BRICK:
Hello.
Mr. Vespucci.
Michael Brick.
It's hard getting the goods
on someone you've never seen.
No.
No one fits your description.
TIGER [wHISPERS]:
That's him.
If you need me, I'm in room 201.
TIGER:
Mr. Vespucci, the producer.
He's here again.
That transvestite.
[WHISPERS]
He?
GOOGIE:
Cuckoo.
Duff and Tiger told me
who you are, Mr. Vespucci.
Yeah, well, I wish they had told me
what you are.
I got a little laryngitis
but the show must go on, no?
- No.
- Why not?
I don't know.
I knew there was something funny
about that Gomez woman.
She's not a woman.
When I grow another head's
when I'm leaving.
Vespucci. Vespucci.
I waited downstairs. You promised
that you were gonna come. I waited.
Vespucci, are you coming?
Vespucci, are you coming out?
Vespucci, you...
vespucci, vespucci, vespucci, you...
I waited downstairs. You didn't...
I was waiting downstairs, right down...
Excuse me. I went...
[PROCLO GASPING]
Hey, hey, hey. Oh, vespucci, vespucci...
[CRYING]
It is the same Claude Perkins.
We were in the Army together.
I thought he was dead. Why can't
he be dead? It would be nice dead.
I don't like to bug producers
just before they catch your act...
...so I just want to tell you one thing.
In my second number,
"Shine on Harvest Moon"...
...the orchestra and me
sometimes get into different keys.
But if you know, it won't matter.
Other than that, the act is fabulous
and I just know you're going to love it.
CLAUDE: Vespucci.
- Yes. I'm sure it is.
You are too guapo to be a producer.
Guapo?
Handsome.
Who, me?
Oh, come on, I'm ugly, I'm very ugly.
Ah, with a face like that,
you could have been an actor.
You still could, it's never too late.
Look at Catrina valente, vicki Carr.
- Yeah, but they're real women.
GOOGIE: Oh, no.
PROCLO:
They're not?
Plastic Puerto Ricans.
I am the real thing.
You are the real thing
and I knew you were in show business.
- Me?
- Oh, I knew I'd seen you someplace.
I was in the Cleveland Little Theater
Masque and Mummer's...
...spring production
of Sound Of Music...
...but I wouldn't call that show business.
- Oh, yes? What part?
It was really more of a walk-on.
GOOGIE:
I was in that show.
PROCLO: You were in The Sound of Music?
GOOGIE: Oh, sure.
Where was this?
Broadway. The mainstream, where else?
- The original cast?
- Oh!
I was more original
than anyone else in it.
They fired me the first day of rehearsal,
those bastards.
They said I wasn't right for the part.
What part was that?
Oh, one of those fucking Trapp kids.
But you know what
the real reason was, mister?
They found out what you really were.
No.
Seymour Pippin.
Who?
Oh, shit.
Seymour Pippin.
He was the company manager.
If there is one man that I was born to kill
with my own two hands...
...it's Seymour Pippin.
But I fix them.
I picket that show until they was crazy.
I picket. I picket. I picket.
I picket that show every night
until I got a part in Camelot.
[STEAM HISSING]
- You were in Camelot too?
- Oh, sure.
Oh, boy. That's a wonderful show.
It's a piece of shit.
- They fired you from that one too, huh?
- Sure, they fire me.
What did you expect? Thanks to Seymour
Pippin, I get fired from everything.
- I can't imagine why.
- Oh, yeah?
You see this face? It's a curse.
All right. Come on, keep away from me.
GOOGIE: Don't fight it.
- Believe me, you won't be happy.
I won't be happy.
You're making a big mistake.
- I am suddenly all woman.
- No, you're not.
- You're someone with a lot of problems.
- Aye, make me feel like a real woman.
That's not my department.
That's out of my hands.
GOOGIE: Kiss me.
- Come on.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Oh, shit.
TIGER: Let's go, Googie, we're on.
DUFF: Fuck.
GOOGIE:
Come on, my Mr. Big Producer.
You're going to love my show.
I got you the best seat. I seat you ringside.
- We save the hanky-pank for later, huh?
- Hanky-pank, what?
Googie is going
to straighten you out between shows.
- Oh, what room are you in?
- 210. I mean, 201.
- One.
- I be there, chico.
Thanks a million for helping us out
like this, Mr. Vespucci.
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]
Wanna dance?
- What?
- Dance.
PROCLO: Dance?
- Forget it.
If I ever get my hands on the cab driver
that brought me here, he's finished.
Is this taken?
MAN:
No.
CARMINE:
Stay here. Don't let nobody in.
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]
MAN:
And now, on the great Ritz stage...
...direct from her bus-and-truck tour
with Fiddler On The Roof...
...the sensational Googie Gomez
with Duff and Tiger...
...those amazing, now-you-see-it,
now-you-don't, golden go-go boys.
Here's Duff.
[RIM SHoT]
Here's Tiger.
[RIM SHOT]
And here's Googie.
[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING]
[SINGING]
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
And now...
...I would like you to meet
someone very special to me.
A man who... what can I say?
If I say it in Spanish
you won't understand me.
Ladies and gentlemen,
one of the all-time great producers...
...Mr. Carmine vespucci.
[APPLAUSE]
GOOGIE:
And now, a salute to Cole Porter.
[SINGING]
ABE [o vER P.A.]:
We have an urgent telephone call...
... for somebody called Wally
at the front office.
That's all they said,
someone called Wally.
Jesus Christ.
Good evening.
Huh?
I said, good evening.
Well, just watch your step, Mac.
Well, I just said good evening.
CARMINE:
Are you in there, Brick?
It's vespucci. Don't open.
I don't want anyone to see.
If you can hear me, knock once.
If you can't, knock twice.
BRICK:
"Knock once."
CARMINE:
Are you there, Brick?
[KNOCKS ONCE]
Good, our signals are working.
Now listen to me.
Have you seen that balding, fat slob
brother-in-law of mine yet?
[KNOCKS TWlCE]
What does that mean, no?
[KNOCKS ONCE]
Okay, I think I read you.
Now...
...I know he's around here somewhere.
What I don't know is how you could miss
him. He's a house. Wait a minute.
Somebody's coming.
Forget it.
Listen, Brick. None of these fruits tried
to pull anything with you, did they?
[KNOCKS ONCE]
Oh, my God.
I'll make it up to you.
Meet me in room 224 in 15 minutes.
Knock three times. Got that?
[KNOCKS THREE TIMES]
Not now, stupid, then.
You don't have to worry
about him leaving this place.
Leaving in one piece, I mean.
I got all my men waiting for him.
Ain't that great, Brick, huh?
[KNOCKS ONCE]
I knew you'd like that.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MAN:
Stay with us. There she goes.
Yeah.
CLAUDE:
Vespucci.
- Vespucci.
- Aah!
Wait, vespucci, wait a minute.
Hold on. Hold on. Wait.
PROCLO:
Go away.
Go away. Get off.
[CLATTERING]
Leave me alone.
[CLAUDE AND
PROCLO GRUNTING]
[GOOGIE SQUEALING]
[GIGGLING]
[GOOGIE SCREAMS]
TIGER:
Sorry, Googie.
[APPLAUSE]
[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]
This way... vespucci.
Where is this skinny little man
who ruined my act?
I kill him.
[CHATTERING IN SPANISH]
CLAUDE:
Vespucci.
Vespucci.
Vespucci.
[CLAUDE LAUGHING]
TIGER: Googie, wait.
You can't go in there.
You think I don't know
what goes on in this place?
All of you men going:
"Hee, hee, hee!
Poo, poo, poo! Ha, ha, ha!"
TIGER:
Googie, no.
[GOOGIE SHOUTING IN SPANISH]
MAN:
Ow!
[CLAUDE SCREAMING]
CLAUDE: You could use
a good psychiatrist, mister.
- What did you call me?
- He didn't mean it.
Tell her you're sorry.
CLAUDE: I haven't seen such tacky
drag since the Princeton varsity show.
- Tacky drag?
CLAUDE: Thirty years ago, Sonny boy.
[SCREAMING IN SPANISH]
[CLAUDE GRUNTING]
I'm going straight.
Were you in there for all that?
You don't wanna talk about it?
- Why are you wearing your clothes?
PROCLO: I'm going to Central Park.
CHRIS: For somebody who's
never been in a place like this...
...you're certainly getting around.
[WHIRRING]
CHRIS: I thought you were
gonna stay in your room.
PROCLO:
I can't.
Tiger and Duff told Googie
I was Carmine vespucci.
Claude thinks I'm Carmine vespucci.
Everybody thinks I'm Carmine vespucci.
CHRIS: Who are you?
PROCLO: Carmine vespucci.
BRICK:
Are you Mr. Carmine vespucci, sir?
Hello, kid, you got a light?
Are you him, Mr. Vespucci?
- Say yes. Say yes.
- Yes.
I'm Michael Brick.
My room's right up there.
I'm Chris.
My room is right up there too.
BRICK:
Hi, Chris, how are you?
[CHRIS CHUCKLES]
[PHONE RINGS]
[SCREAMS]
Now.
This is what I thought we'd do.
Get under the bed.
- Another one.
- All right, stay there. Stay there.
Now, we pretend that you're him
and I'm me...
...and the real you is under the bed.
Only this one's the worst.
Sit down, Mr. Vespucci.
Now, get the picture.
The lights are low.
He's moving down the hallway...
...when finally he sees me.
I'm leaning against the door.
I put one knee up.
I flex.
I've caught his eye.
I wink.
I kind of beckon with my head.
And finally, I speak.
See something you like, buddy?
I'm resting.
That's the tough-guy approach.
Is that your real voice?
- Why? Does it bother you?
- No. No. No.
- Some people find it very irritating.
- I can't image why.
Me either.
Of course, I'm used to it.
I've had it ever since I was a kid.
I mean, I grew up and matured.
Only, my voice didn't.
- Where was I?
- The tough-guy approach.
- Oh! And then...
- I'm having a nightmare.
- This is where you jump out.
You see, I'm not queer.
Boy, you could have fooled me.
BRICK: So you're gonna have to help me
find your brother-in-law, Mr. Vespucci.
What? My brother-in-law?
I can't find anyone
who fits Mr. Proclo's description.
- Who are you?
- Michael Brick.
- What are you?
- A detective.
[ALARM BUZZING]
Quick, it's time. Get under the bed.
For what?
BRICK: I left a note by
the Coke machine saying:
"Any middle-aged, fat, balding man
whose initials are G. P...
...interested in a good time,
should meet me here at midnight sharp."
Just leave everything to me.
I'm right on top of you.
I can't tell you how comforting that is.
ABE [o vER P.A.]:
Anyone interested in forming...
...a Ritz softball team, contact Howard.
MAN: I'm resting.
[KNOCKS]
CARMINE:
I said knock three times.
Oh, he's being masterful
with me already, the brute.
CARMINE: That's more like it.
- I think I'm in love. Hi.
[CHRIS GRUNTS
THEN CLATTERING]
Ow.
CARMINE:
Hey, let me get a look at you.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm no judge of fruit bait,
but you'll do.
Oh, let's just cool it, sweetheart.
This is not the Meat Rack, huh?
You can can the fag act with me, Brick.
Now listen, I think I've come up
with something.
This sounds like the oldest stunt
in the book...
...but I'm gonna hide under your bed.
On the contrary, that's a first for me.
You never tried
the under-the-bed technique?
Well, not till recently.
- What kind of a detective are you?
- Now, that's a good question, honey.
Can it, Brick. Just can it.
One thing I don't like is a wise guy.
The only thing I don't like more
is a queer wise guy.
I'm calling the shots now,
and I'm getting under your bed.
- Uh, where am I supposed to be?
- On top of it, stupid.
Oh, that sounds fabulous. What then?
You know.
Do what you have to do.
- What's that?
- How should I know?
Wiggle your fanny.
Shake your towel in his face.
- Whose face?
- My brother-in-law's, you dummy.
The guy I hired you to catch.
Then I pop out, catching you both
in the act of fragrant delicto...
...and, wham, we got him.
- Your brother-in-law.
Who else?
Jesus, you're like talking to a yo-yo.
- Dumb and dizzy, that's me, darling.
- Jesus!
Listen, that's just a little more
of that gay humor.
All right, all right, all right.
Now...
...you go back to 201.
Hey, wait a minute.
- No. Not yet.
- No.
When you get there...
...you whistle like this:
[WHISTLES]
I hightail it to your room,
slide under...
...and we're in business, got that?
- Check.
- It's about time.
- Only I can't whistle.
Goddamn it, you can't whistle either?
I thought all dicks could whistle.
Just "Stormy weather."
Look, I tell you what, Mr...
- vespucci. Carmine vespucci.
- Carmine vespu...
only don't call me that.
He might hear us.
- I need a code name.
- Evelyn.
[SIGHS]
No, I don't like Evelyn.
It sounds...
...effeminate.
How about Bunny?
Bunny's good.
Bunny, you get under this bed.
That way, I won't have to whistle...
...and you won't have to hightail it
to 201.
Hey, maybe you're not so dumb
after all, Brick.
Hey, hey, hey.
I'll tell you...
I'll tell you one thing,
with Papa gone now...
Papa!
[CRYING]
I ain't sharing no vespucci Sanitation
Services and Enterprises Inc. With no fairy.
- Your brother-in-law's a fairy?
- He's gonna be.
- What are you gonna do?
- Kill him.
Oh, good.
You know what a delitto di passione is,
Brick?
It's a crime of passion.
An enraged brother...
...catching his dear, sweet sister's
balding, fat, slob husband...
...in an unnatural act with one of
these fruitcakes from around here.
[LAUGHING]
There ain't no court in the country
that would convict.
Twenty years I waited
for this night, Brick.
You're looking at a man
of great and terrible passions.
- Well, I can see that, Bunny.
CARMINE: What happened?
That's how you do it around here.
Now get under this bed.
CARMINE: Yeah.
- Yeah, go ahead. Get under the bed.
I'll leave this door open,
you see, so he can come in.
Go ahead. I'll be right up here on top.
- Now, shh. Don't say another word now.
CARMINE: Right.
ABE [OVER P.A.]: Tonight's
double feature in our mini cinema...
... is All About Eve
and A Star Is Born.
Hey, you know any good stories?
- As a matter of fact, I do, sir.
- Skip it.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
That must be him.
Hold your horses, stud.
It's open.
Oh.
BRICK:
See something you like, buddy?
You've gotta be kidding.
False alarm, Mr. Vespucci.
CHRIS: Where is your friend?
- He's under the bed.
Why not? Everybody else is.
I always wondered
what you straight guys did together.
Oh, now that I know,
I'm so glad I'm gay.
Oh, yeah, that brother-in-law
of yours, that maniac?
- Yeah. He's just down the hall.
- What?
- And he's got a gun.
- What?
Now he's after you, Mr. Vespucci.
You didn't mention anything
about a gun.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
CHRIS:
That's him.
- I'm scared.
- You're scared? Move over.
- No room.
- I can fit.
- I was here first.
- It's my brother-in-law.
- It's my ass.
PROCLO:
Answer the door.
- Where you going?
- It's not him.
- Who is it?
- It's that transvestite again.
What are you talking about?
Oh, hello.
- Who's there?
GOOGIE: I know you're in there, chico.
- Now, look.
- Shh!
Don't speak. Don't say nothing.
Say one word,
then Googie is out on her ass.
She is breaking every book
in the rule doing this.
Do you know why
you don't like women?
Because you never try it, that's all.
Or maybe you try it and that's why.
She was a bad woman.
Forget her. Believe me, chico.
It don't hurt. It's nice.
You just lay back there,
and Googie is going to show you how nice.
- Look, I'd like to help you out...
- All right, all right. Shh.
Think...
...of a tropical night.
Think...
...of a beach.
What "bitch"?
The moon is shining on the sea.
And in the distance, over the waves,
you hear music.
[SINGING]
[GOOGIE, CHRIS
AND BRICK SINGING]
This is not gonna work, Mr. Googie.
- Mr. Googie?
- There's just no way.
Mr. Googie?
You thought I was a drag queen?
No such luck, chico.
You mean to tell me
that you're really a miss?
This is all real.
Yeah, they feel real.
I just hope I'm going to find me
some huevitos.
- What are huevitos?
- These.
- Oh!
- Aye!
- Oh, chico.
- Oh, no.
They're real too.
I know we're going to make such
whoopee together, chico.
- No, there's one thing wrong.
- Yes.
My brother-in-law's out to kill
and somebody's under this bed.
Oh, no, you don't. I'm not falling
for that old hat-and-dance routine.
You're not pulling no wool
over my ears so easy.
I swear to God there is.
- Never try to shit an old pro, chico.
BRICK: He's not.
There is someone
under this bed.
Us. If you wanna bounce around up there,
I'll gladly go back to my own room.
That is a rotten stunt, mister.
I could lose my job for this.
I throw the whole wind
into the caution to come here.
- Look, I can explain every...
- I don't need no explain.
You would rather make:
Hee, hee, hee, poo,
poo, poo, ha, ha, ha...
...with that maricn you
got hiding under the bed.
- Two maricns, Googie.
- Who's that down there?
CHRIS:
It's me, Chris.
Oh, hi, Chris.
What are you doing down there?
- I wish I knew.
- You lose something?
BRICK:
See, the reason we're under this bed...
You. Not only do you got a fat boyfriend,
you maricn hump, you got a mean one.
I'm not his boyfriend and I'm not gay.
With a voice like that,
you're no straight arrow neither.
I was born with this voice.
So was Yma Sumac.
[PROCLO GRUNTING]
Where do you think you're going?
I'm just someone
in a lot of trouble, see.
You're not staying for my second show?
I am not a producer.
It was your two friends' idea.
Wait a...
Hey.
- Wait a minute.
- Hmm?
- Seymour Pippin.
- Who?
You don't fire Googie Gomez from no show
and get away with it, you bastard.
You think I forget your face?
I'm gonna tear all of your eyes out.
That's Mr. Vespucci.
- You promise?
- I promise.
Oh, what do you know?
I thought it was Seymour Pippin.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR
THEN GOOGIE GASPS]
It's for you.
BRICK: If it's him, Mr. Vespucci,
you just give me...
what the hell happened to you?
You said you'd be on top.
I've been under that damn bed so long
I can hardly walk.
- See something you like, buddy?
CARMINE: What the...?
You looking for a good time, Mac?
You're not Brick. Where's Brick?
What have you done to him?
Lie down.
Get your hands off me.
[BED SPRINGS RATTLING]
- Somebody's under there.
- Just lie down and stretch out on the bed.
CARMINE: What are you doing?
BRICK: I'm trying to seduce you.
CARMINE: Get your hands off,
I'll lay your head open.
BRICK: Is it him, Mr. Vespucci?
CARMINE: Yes.
Vespucci? I'm vespucci.
BRICK: Is it?
PROCLO: Yes, it's him, it's him.
I know that voice. What the hell is this?
One of them goddamn "transvestitites,"
sure you are.
Seymour Pippin.
I kill you, pendejo.
I tear your eyes out.
You think you can fire Googie Gomez
from a show...
...and get away with it, you bastard?
[GOOGIE SHOUTING IN SPANISH]
Hey, fight fair, you faggot.
You lay one hand on her, Mr. Proclo,
and I'm gonna break...
- Proclo? Proclo?
- Get him, for chrissake.
Step aside, miss.
[GIBBERING]
[SQUEALING]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
PROCLO:
Get me out of here, will you?
Oh, we were just starting
to have such fun.
Hey, do you know something?
This man is not Seymour Pippin neither.
- I wonder who he is?
- It's my brother-in-law.
[GASPS]
- Is he in show business?
- No, he's in garbage.
A gay garbage man?
I'm a detective.
Mr. Vespucci here hired me...
...to get something on his brother-in-law,
Mr. Proclo here.
So that Mr. Proclo won't inherit half
of the family business.
So that's it.
GOOGIE: Amigo.
- I'll kill...
GOOGIE:
No, no, no.
Mr. Vespucci wanted to catch
Mr. Proclo and I together...
...so that he could commit
a delitto di passione.
- Look out now, you'll be in the picture.
- Oh, picture. What picture?
Hey. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
I see what you do.
If that man want to be here,
let him be here.
What do you care?
Listen, I don't stand still
for no blackmail.
I tell Tiger and Duff what you do
and you are on your ass, big boy.
And I thought you were nice.
Come on, Chris.
I still like Evelyn.
- Happy birthday, honey.
- Thank you.
Can't you hit him again?
Oh, come on now, Mr. Vespucci,
that wouldn't be ethical.
Ethical?
Your line of work and you're telling me
what's ethical? Come on.
Well, you really blew it this time,
Carmine.
By the time you get out of this place,
I'll be in Cleveland with vivian and the kids.
Fat man in 201. Come and get it.
He's all yours.
Fat man in 201. Come and get it.
He's all yours.
Fat man in 201.
Fat man in 201.
[PHoNE RINGS]
Come and get it.
Hello?
I'll fix you. You'll get nowhere
without your clothes.
- Come and get it.
BRICK: Michael Brick speaking.
Fat man in 201.
BRICK:
I'll see if I can find him.
- It's for you, Mr. Vespucci.
PROCLO: Who is it?
Who is this, please?
It's Mrs. Proclo calling from a bar
across the street.
Shh. Mrs. Proclo?
My God, that's vivian.
Tell her I left.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Proclo, but he just left.
She doesn't believe me.
Tell her she has to believe you.
He says you have to believe me, Mrs...
She says she's coming over now.
Nothing's gonna stop her.
She's putting on a man's hat and coat.
Hello?
- I didn't even get to tell her the good news.
- What good news?
We got our man.
MAN:
I'm sorry, mister, but you can't...
oh! Ow! Ooh.
MAN:
You take the next one, will you?
[CLAUDE MOANING]
I'm giving you one more chance.
I don't know about you, Claude.
I'm in desperate...
- Did you say Claude?
- I never said that.
- Wait a minute. What...?
- No.
- Guy. Guy. It's you, Guy.
- Absolutely no.
Gaetano Proclo. The 5th division,
special services, the Philippines.
I was 4-F. I never served.
No, no. It's me, Claude. Claude Perkins.
Get away from me, Claude.
That's right. Get-Away-From-Me Claude.
[GRUNTS]
We had an act together.
A trio with Nelson Carpenter.
We pantomimed to Andrews Sisters'
records, remember? "Rum And Coca-Cola."
[SINGING]
The Andrews Sisters?
I hate the Andrews Sisters.
You hate the Andrews Sisters?
Look, mister, I'm in desperate trouble
and I wish you'd leave. Now get out.
Wait till I write Nelson Carpenter
about this.
ABE [OVER P.A.]:
313 coming up. That is 313.
You're not gonna believe
what's coming up, boys.
It's vivian.
There are other fat fish in the ocean,
Gaetano Proclo.
And 313 may just be one of them.
Not 313, Claude. Don't touch 313.
Just not 313, Claude.
[PHONE RINGING
IN DISTANCE]
Oh, I had a hunch it would be bad
but nothing like this.
- Welcome to the city morgue.
- Aah!
Oh, forget it, mister.
That is not my scene.
[GASPS]
CLAUDE:
Looking for 313?
Right this way.
[CLAUDE STAMMERING]
I know it's this way.
It's around the corridor.
Here we go, 313, right...
That's it.
Jellyroll baby.
You're my jellyroll man.
[VIVIAN SCREAMING
THEN THUD]
[CLAUDE Mo ANS]
You... I'm gonna kill you, you bastard.
You son of a bitch,
I'll break every goddamn bone in your...
MAN 1 [oN RADIo]:
- Or eight-track tapes.
That's right, 500 all-time favorite
super hits for only 9.95.
MAN 2 [ON RADIO]:
The first lady was in town...
[GUNSHOT]
CARMINE:
My clothes. Somebody stole my clothes.
Okay, Gaetano, I know you're in here.
I'm gonna find you,
if it's the last thing I do.
CLAUDE:
All right, all right, all right.
Just lie there like a beached whale.
Look, I'd love to stay here
and play Sleeping Beauty with you...
...but I've gotta get ready
for the talent contest.
What's in the bag?
You bring your own lunch?
What becomes a legend most?
[SINGING]
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
ABE [OVER P.A.]: Just a reminder,
it is amateur night at the Ritz.
Oh, well, you can say that again.
Brick.
Oh, hi, there, Bunny. How's tricks?
Hey, listen, is that thing loaded?
You're lucky I'm not using it on you.
Where is he?
- Who?
- My brother-in-law, dick.
He was just here.
- And?
- He went right in there.
All right, get out of here.
Get out of here.
CLAUDE:
Oh!
- Who is it?
- You know goddamn well who it is.
[CLAUDE SQUEALS]
Jellyroll baby, you're my jell...
Get out of here, you son of a bitch.
Get out of here.
Get out of here.
Okay, Gaetano, the jig's up.
[MOANING]
CARMINE: Vivian? Vivian, baby,
what have they done to you?
Sis, speak to me.
Those crazy fairies.
They molested my sister.
Oh, you crazy fairies, I'm gonna kill you.
I'll kill every last one of you.
Where are you?
No. No.
[MUSIC PLAYING
ON JUKEBOX]
- Your brother-in-law means business.
- What do you think I'm doing here?
CHRIS: You just gonna sit there?
- What's the use?
Well, wear a disguise.
I am. I thought you were mad at me.
I am, but I prefer you alive to dead.
I'm funny that way.
- Claude.
- Oh, sure, now you know me.
PROCLO:
You gotta help me.
I am entered in a talent contest.
I've gotta get ready.
My brother-in-law is here with a gun.
DSo that's who that maniac was.
[GUNSHoT]
CARMINE: Brick, where are you?
- Look out.
CARMINE:
I'm gonna get you.
Come on out now. I'll get you.
[GUNSHOT]
VIVIAN: Carmine, no. No.
CARMINE: All right, I'm coming.
VIVIAN:
No. Carmine. No!
- No. No!
- What is it?
- What is it?
- No.
- What is it?
- My mink.
- Your mink?
- They've taken it.
Now, here's the plan.
You've gotta be Nelson Carpenter.
- Who?
- One of the Andrews Sisters.
Nelson Carpenter
was one of the Andrews Sisters?
It's a routine.
I don't know
any Andrews Sisters' routine.
Neither did he.
Nelson and I carried you.
It'll never work.
[CARMINE GRUNTING
THEN CLAUDE SQUEALS]
[GUNSHOT]
CLAUDE: He'll never catch us down there.
CARMINE: You'll have wings.
[WHISTLES]
Get in here and don't let anyone out.
Yeah?
[MOUTHING DIALOGUE]
Hold it.
[DOOR OPENS]
[SINGING]
[YAWNING]
[APPLAUSE]
GOOGIE: That was Guido
Cohen singing "vesti La Giubba"...
...from Pagliacci.
GUIDo: Terrible.
Don't be silly, you were wonderful.
GOOGIE:
Bravo, Guido, bravo.
Oh, it's going to be a close race tonight.
Our next contestant
is Mr. Sheldon Farethold.
Song stylist from north New Jersey.
- Here I go.
GOOGIE: Here he is. Sheldon.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Huh?
[LIP-SYNCING]
Well, it's arbitrary.
Hey, Tony, take a look.
[MEN CHUCKLING]
I like the one in fur.
MAN:
It looks terrific.
Come on out, you fat slob.
Gaetano, I know you're in here.
Where are you? Expose yourself.
Oh, Jesus, no.
[GRUNTING]
- Come on.
- Come on, girl.
- Come on, girls.
PIE: Come on, honey, take it off.
Shake it, fat man. Shake it, baby.
[GUNSHOTS]
- Come on. What's happening?
- Get away from me.
- Get out.
- Come here.
Come here. Hide.
Everybody, slow down.
Nobody's going nowhere.
And give me some lights.
I wanna see who I'm talking to.
Not on me, you dumb fruit.
I want the room lights.
Okay. I want all the fairies in the pool.
- What about us butch types, boss?
- Shut up, you.
It's me, Bunny, Brick.
You're fired. Go on. Get in there.
- Bunny, my hair.
- Get in there.
[CLAUDE SQUEAKING]
Jesus, I can't believe it.
A good-Iooking, rugged boy like you.
- Believe what, sir?
- I believe it. Get going.
Come on.
VIVIAN:
Carmine, please.
CARMINE:
You shut up too, vivian.
I just want my mink.
You'll get your mink.
Will you let me handle this?
He's in here somewhere.
JOEY:
Wait a minute.
All this because some fat woman
who lost her mink?
One more word out of you,
you transvestitite...
what did you call me?
Careful, Googie.
You make me see red, mister.
And when I see red, I tear you apart.
Shit. You think I'm scared of a little gun?
[BELICIC AND HUGSNY
NoT HUGGING]
That's okay, mister.
If you don't bother me,
I don't bother you.
CARMINE: All right, the rest
of you in there. Get in there.
Come on, in there.
Come on, get in there.
Get in there, all of you.
CARMINE:
All right, pool time, everybody.
Come on, everybody. Come on. Come on.
You listen to me, idiots.
Seniors. I don't wanna see a dry fairy
in the house.
MAN 1:
Oh, my mascara's running.
MAN 2: Oh, God!
MAN 3: It's running.
MAN 1: What a night!
MAN 2: My leg...
Christ, another one.
You really know how to mess up
an act, you know that, mister?
- You know what they call people like you?
- Fashionable.
- Get in there. Get in there.
- All right, all right.
Well, I guess that makes it you.
Look at you!
I could vomit.
- Jesus, Mary and Joseph, is that her mink?
- Yeah.
CARMINE: All right, give it back.
VIVIAN: I don't want it.
That's not my Gaetano.
I wanna go home.
- Okay, Gaetano, the jig's up.
- All right.
Take the crap off.
The wig, the glasses, the moustache,
the mink. Everything.
Okay.
I want you all to meet
my splendid brother-in-law, Gaetano Proclo.
That's not Mr. Proclo. He is.
- Who is?
- You are.
Who? Who?
[CARMINE GRUNTING]
PROCLO:
Keep it quiet.
I don't wanna hear that voice.
[VIVIAN CRYING]
Don't cry, viv.
"Don't cry," he says.
Look at him like that,
telling me not to cry.
Do you want your coat back?
Oh, look at my husband,
the man in the mink coat.
Oh, I can't wait to go to bingo
with you like that next week.
But I won't be there, if God is merciful...
...because I'm gonna have
a heart attack here.
This is grounds for annulment, sis.
I asked Father Catini.
I don't want an annulment, I wanna die.
[CHATTERING IN ITALIAN]
Vivian. Vivian, what are you doing?
You can't even swim. Don't.
Well...
...is this what you wanted, Carmine?
Boy, I can understand you hating me
as a brother-in-law...
...but killing someone
over a garbage company?
[CHATTERING IN ITALIAN]
You're married to a flaming homo,
that's perche...
[CHATTERING IN ITALIAN]
- He came here tonight, didn't he?
- A cab driver brought me here.
Because you told him to.
I never heard of this place.
You see that, vivian? Even a cab driver
knows what a fata he is.
I just hope you're not gonna insist
on mentioning this in confession.
For my sake, for the children,
please, don't tell about this.
I wasn't planning to.
It's just a phase you're going through.
Last year, it was miniature golf.
How the hell do you prove something
like this to your own wife?
Okay, Carmine, I give up. You win.
Let him go. Let him go. Let him go.
Get off of me.
PROCLO:
Don't splash. Don't splash.
CARMINE: Get out of here,
you pest. Get out of here.
- Let's get out of here.
- Vivian, wait.
Don't you even speak to my sister.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Thirty-seven thousand, five hundred
on the week.
The rain killed us tonight, and next week
we got the Jewish holidays coming up.
Well, good night, boss.
Who is that?
Oh, it was just a person.
- She called you "boss."
- A lot of people call me boss.
It's not what you're gonna think, vivian.
"Vespucci Enterprises, Inc.
Carmine vespucci, president."
- This is a statement.
- I was gonna tell you about it.
VIVIAN: We own this place?
- Papa done a lot of expanding.
We own this place, Guy.
He don't have to know.
This isn't the place to talk about it.
You knew what kind of place this was
all the time.
CARMINE:
So did he. That's why he came here.
I can't help it if we own it.
It was just a coincidence.
- What kind of a cab did you come in?
- What?
What kind of a cab did you come in?
- It was the opera. Aida Cab.
- Aida Cab.
- We own that company.
- We do?
What did the driver look like, Guy?
- All I remember about him is his stutter.
- His stutter?
- Yeah, he stuttered and smoked pot.
- Cousin Tito.
I should have guessed.
It's gonna be very hard
to forgive you for this.
I don't want no forgiving.
VIVIAN: Take the hit off of him, Carmine.
- Vivian!
- Take it off.
- No.
If you don't, I'm gonna tell Frankie...
...about you muscling in on the bingo
at the feast of St. Anthony's.
And he is gonna put a hit out on you
and you're gonna be wearing cement shoes.
There's gonna be more grief and less peace
in our fucking family than there already is.
- "Get Proclo." You heard Papa.
- I got Proclo. Now, take it off, Carmine.
I'll lose face.
- Not under the East River.
- Shit!
Now, I wanna see you two
forgive each other.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[PROCLO SCOFFING]
I wouldn't kiss him for a million dollars.
That's exactly what's it's worth, Guy.
- I wouldn't kiss him, period.
- For me. For me.
- Kiss. Kiss him.
- Hmm?
MAN 1: Yeah.
MAN 2: Kiss him.
MAN 3:
Come on, kiss.
Hey.
VIVIAN:
Kiss him, Carmine.
[STAMMERING]
PROCLO: Hey.
MAN 1: Hey.
MAN 2: Hey.
MAN 3: Hey.
MEN:
Hey!
[CARMINE SCREAMS
THEN GRUNTS]
[MEN CHEERING]
You can go
fangoo/ yourself, Carmine.
It's people like you
that belong in garbage.
It's people like me that just marry into it.
Get him out of here, men.
Into the steam room, girls.
[MEN SINGING]
CARMINE:
Hey, don't touch me.
Don't touch me.
Hey, you get your hands off me.
ABE [o vER P.A.]:
Okay, everybody.
Tonight's talent contest has been won
by Claude Perkins and partners.
TIGER:
We're sorry, Googie.
You build someone up like that
and it's all a lie.
That is a low-down,
dirty trick you've made.
Hey, do you believe that?
They told me
Mr. Big was going to be here tonight.
Who's Mr. Big?
Who's Mr. Big?
Only the man who produces miracles.
A producer, who else?
- My uncle's a producer, Miss Gomez.
- Oh, yeah?
- What's he produce?
- Shows.
Legitimate shows?
I don't do no dirty stuff.
Right now, I think he's casting Oklahoma
for a dinner theater.
Oklahoma.
It's a stretch, but I could do that part.
Listen, you could get me
an audition with him?
- Oh, sure thing.
- Oh, good.
I tell you what,
I see you in Bimbi's across the street.
We run into my boyfriend, Hector,
we tell him you're my agent.
I see you two skunks later.
I thought you quit.
That's show business.
You really got an uncle
who's in show business?
Seymour Pippin. He's a producer.
Forget it, mister. Come on, Tiger.
CHRIS: I suppose you're wondering
what happened to Bunny.
Entered her in the
Princess Margaret look-alike contest.
First prize is a gay guide to Leningrad.
We also called the 16th Precinct,
they'll be right over for him.
Hey, listen.
Thanks for helping me tonight.
Oh, you just let me know the
next time you three are coming in.
I wanna be sure not to be here.
If you're ever in Cleveland,
vivian makes a great lasagna.
That's the best offer I've had all night.
- Who was he talking about?
- Carmine.
Oh, you gotta do something
for him.
Don't worry, I will.
VIVIAN: Promise me?
- On Papa's grave.
[SOBBING]
Papa.
PROCLO:
Not your papa's, mine.
Oh.
VIVIAN:
Come on, Guy, let's go.
Don't tell me what...
Get out of here.
I wanna know... Look, I got friends...
I walk in off the street,
a guy pulls a...
we'll go together.
Hey, listen, I'm not a gay.
Watch the hair.
Come on, listen, will you guys?
I got a wife and two kids.
PROCLO:
Oh, no.
Viv, I've left my wallet in there.
CHRIS: Orgy, orgy.
They'll be an orgy in 340.
THE END