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Road to Zanzibar (1941)
Are you wearing old dreams
Breaking out at the seams They should be new And have I got the bargain You lucky people you Here's a hollyhock scent that makes a lady or gent Feel well-to-do And the price fits your pocket You lucky people you Now here's a green velvet landscape And to prove I'm no rogue I'll add a smart-looking rainbow Something that's always in vogue I've a wonderful buy In a wraparound sky of moonlight blue And it's yours for a love song You lucky people you That's for nothing, folks, and probably worth it too. But inside is the big show. If you're in the market for a thrill... and if you wish to witness the most hair-raising, spine-tingling, bloodcurdling spectacle... ever presented on the continent of Africa, don't fail to see Fearless Frazier. Fearless Frazier, the living bullet! Hurry, hurry. Come over, come over. Think of it, folks. This human torch, this indomitable character, soaked in kerosene and... shot through a flaming hoop of fire far into the ocean. Chuck! What's the matter? It's Fearless. He fainted again. Give him the smelling salts. As I was saying... this character, this man with nerves of steel, is shot through a flaming hoop of fire. Come on, Fearless. Come on, boy. Come on, Fearless. There you are. You're gonna be all right. Oh, swell. Why do I do this? Why do I do it? You oughta see the mob outside. You're gonna clear 100 bucks. That's why I do it. Hey. Where were you last night? I left you a note. Yeah, out with your grandmother. Mm-hmm. Your grandmother crawled into bed with me at 4:00... and had lip rouge all over his face. Right this way, folks. Step lively now. There he is, the mighty Fearless Frazier. Douse your cigarettes. Fearless is covered with kerosene... from the tip ofhis head to his 12 double A's. And when he hits the fiery hoop in midair, he will burst into flame before your very eyes. Come back next week. My partner's working on an idea to make me explode in midair. That's not a bad idea at all, Fearless. I had to open my big mouth. Are you ready, Fearless? Ready? Hmm? I don't mind being drafted, but not as ammunition. We have to be careful how we aim this instrument. Last week we were two feet off and we sunk the S.S. Idaho. We went right through "Ida" and there wasn't much left of"ho. " Yo-ho. Ho. Folks, one mighty charge from this little derringer... and Fearless Frazier will fly so far and so fast... that his head will arrive by streamliner and his feet on a local. If it's all the same to you, I'd like a photo finish. All right, folks, Fearless Frazier flies again. Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Okay. Ready, little lady. Roll the drums, please. All right, folks. Everybody watching? The living bullet is on his way. Here we go! Ohh! That concludes the first part of our performance. Now we all repair to the riverbank... where we hope to find the mighty Fearless unscathed and unharmed. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Ah, there's my little man. Won't you come in? I don't want to crowd you. Everything all right? We have to have more room when the baby comes. Don't pull that lever so fast. What's the matter? You're gonna open the trap door and the dummy will come out. Nobody will know the difference. Come on, here we go. Wait for my legs. Here we go. All right. We got it. Hey, you all right? I feel fine. Woop! I feel fine. You all right? You got a pint of blood with ya? I don't know how you "Svengalied" me into this. It took my mother three years to get me to eat spinach. Three minutes of talk from you and I'm getting fan mail from casket companies. Here's some fan mail for you. Do you know that 94 of those federal diplomas clinked into our till? There's some music for you. Oh, sing out loud. Just 94. What is the total? I'll get into the department. We have plenty of happy cabbage. How much? Look at that. 5,200 skins. Those ever-loving Morgenthau mashnotes. Beginning to add up, isn't it? We'll have enough to pay the tax. Stick with me and if you live, we're gonna do all right. Well, we can't miss... Hey, where you going? Just going. I know you're going, but with who? With "whom. " That's proper. Don't give me that stuff. I want to know with who. With grandmother. She told me to give you the brush. Come here. There's a fire! Somebody must've dropped a cigarette. Let's get out of here. Yes, indeed. We gotta go. Beat it! They're after ya! Who's after what for which? Our dummy went through the big top and the carnival's on fire. Ohhh! Let's go. Our week was up anyway. Don't come this way. They're after you. Go the other way. What is this? A bus station? Wait! Bring the cannon! I'll get the cannon! Get the cann... We take this light bulb, courtesy of the Nairobi electrical outlet. And we place it in the mouth of the subject. Engineers have agreed that 500 volts is fatal to a human being, but Fearless is going to take 1,000 volts. Are you ready? Here we go. All right, folks. Hurry! Come over! See Fearless Frazier, the human bat with only man-made wings. Give 'em a flutter. His fierce character will climb 100 feet. Like a swallow from Capistrano, he will soar to earth... in a perfect three-point landing. All right, men, bring it around here. Right down here now. Easy. Woop. Wait a minute. Just sit it in there. Careful, now, woop. Careful, now. Woop, look out, men. You all right? Get that bench in the corner and put it on the bench. Get this one up here. There we go. Woop. Look out. Christmas cards? Huh? Set it right there. Here you are. Hey, where you been? I've been shopping. I know, but where? Wait'll you see what I got. There's a million bucks inside, a million bucks! How long can you hold your breath? I don't know. I never tried. Well, try it. Why? Try it.! How long did I go? Get that outta here! It's an octopus! That's what she is. The greatest idea I ever had. Get this for a setup. We'll build the tank bigger. We'll dress you up like a pearl diver... little sarong or something. Then you wrestle with him like you did with Bonzo the bear. Remember how we cleaned up? It'll be terrific. Fearless Frazier wrestles with the terror of the deep. No, sir. Wait, I mean when you're feeling better. That thing's got eight arms. I only got one-and-a-half. What's the matter with that? I don't like the odds. We'll snip a couple off of him. Wrestle an octopus? Me? Yeah. Those things are murderous. That ain't spaghetti he's waving. Besides, they're poison. They spit ink. You can wrestle and write home at the same time. I've had enough. I can't do it. Ah-ah-ah! Junior, never say "can't. " You can do anything you think you can do. You told me I could fly and look, a broken wing. You tried to land downwind. You can't do that. Why don't you slip in some night and just put a shotgun to my head? Boy, you're slipping. You're really slipping. I'm trying to make a big fellow outta you. They'll write books about you. I know three words that won't be in them: "ripe old age. " It's a cinch. We'll train him. Train him? I'd look fine swimming with a chair and a whip. You can't train an octopus. They only know one thing. Grab you quick and suck the blood out of you. How would I look with no blood? Just the same. Why not train him to knit? Knit? He could work on four sweaters at the same time. I'm ashamed of you, afraid of a poor little thing like this. The man I bought him off of raised him from a polliwog. Look, I'll show you how gentle he is. Come on, boy. Come on. Come on here. Just for that you go back to the fish store. How do you like that? Go ahead. Write a letter. Now, listen, Fearless, I've given it a lot of thought. We get a boa constrictor. We stun him. You go in there with a lasso and hogtie him. I'll tell him when he comes in. We've been kicking around the world for five years two jumps ahead of trouble. I'm homesick! I wanna get back to Birch Falls and my relief checks. You'll wind up in Barney Dean's Beanery blowing up bloodwurst. If we're gonna go home, let's go home loaded. They'll have a band meet us. And they'll be playing an awful slow tune. What's this? Hey, what do you think we are, a couple of round haircuts? We ordered beer. Compliments of Mr. Kimble. Who's that? Mr. Kimble, Kimble Diamond Mines. That's him in the box. Cheerio! Hurray! Good health. You know the big yacht in the harbor? That's his. That's ours? Mm-hmm. It's on the cuff. Pour, brother, pour. Ha-ha-ha. Charles, must you send champagne to strangers? They're not strangers. They're Americans. They look like nice fellows. I bet they'd be fun to know. Say, you know, it's not bad stuff. Piper Heidsieck '28. Yeah, but pipe her "heidsieck. " Si vous voulez voir la ville avec moi Un taxi nous attendra Oh, no, now, Junior. Here, here. Let's get in the mood. It's a little rich for your blood. You might break out in a rash. That's what I want, one of the larger rashes if you don't mind. Ah-ah-ah. Ahh. That happy juice. Daddy, the bubbles make my nose tickle. Ooo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Was that at this table? Go ahead, drink up. Please, Mr. Inspector, we do not want the police here. We are running a first-class place. Don't be disturbed. It's a matter south of here. I'm looking for two Americans. Hey. They burned down a carnival. In fact, they nearly burned down the town. A votre sant, monsieur. A votre sant? Oui, oui. Ahh ahh de avec fromage A-zing-zing-zing A-zing-zing-zing Ha-ha-ha! All right, that's enough. Wait. We work here. I am sorry. My partner, she and me, we "worka" here. Your pardon. He not speak good English. I only been in this country short time. Oui. We are performers in the show. Artists. Tou jours I'amour. Will you pardon? We blow. Danke schoen. We must perform now. Eau de cologne. Bon voyage. Je t'adore. Je t'adore. Whoo! It's them all right. Of course, it is. Let 'em go. They can't get out. Hey, hey, look out. The house is sold out. No autographs. Tough audience. Yeah. We gotta get out of here. What are we gonna do? I don't know. I got an idea. Mesdames and messieurs, my partner and I... Attention, please. Attention, please. Attention, ha-ha. Attention. My partner and I will give our impression... of two orchestra leaders meeting on "ze" boulevard. Two orchestra leaders meeting on ze boulevard. Leopoldo! Arturo! How do you do? How are things with you? Well, Leopoldo, you know how it is in the concert business. People are not going to concerts like they did in the old days. But I think it will pick up. I got some wonderful horns with the big fat tone. They play mellow. And my violas, Leopoldo. I tell you every viola player is an "arteest. " When I think about violas, I get so excited I can hardly talk. And tell me, Leopoldo, how are things with you? I have a pretty good band. I have the finest aggregation on the continent. I tell you I have the greatest oboe players. And I have cellos... Did you say cellos? I said I have cellos. I pay my "celloists" much more than you do. Arturo! I've got the greatest cellos! All right, that's it. What are you arresting them for? They burned down a carnival. I'll pay for the carnival. My name's Kimble. I don't care what your name is. Pretty tasty, aren't they? This is it. Wonderful guy, that Kimble. He got us out of a ticklish situation. If it wasn't for him, we'd still be in the brig. What a tired brig. Now we can pack and get back to Birch Falls, huh? No hurry! Listen, I'll go over to the hotel and pack. We'll go to Birch Falls. But relax a while. Go get the tickets. I'll pack. Let's forget the whole thing. You know what? What is it? We ought to catch Johannesburg. Let's get killed, huh? Great town, Johannesburg. Remember how we go down there? Oh, wonderful. I've got the greatest idea I've ever had. I know you have. We get a lead coffin. Put you in the coffin. Seal it up tight and throw it in the lake. Seal it with me inside? Don't want no water in there. How do I get out? I haven't worked that out. If you don't want to go home, I'll go alone. How much do I owe? Four kolaks. For what? That shredded wheat? This is not shredded wheat. It's malo-palo. Malo-palo? What's that? Malo-palo is candied grasshoppers. Wait. Did I hear right? What did you say? Grasshoppers. I'll get the tickets. I'll hop over to the hotel. There we are, boys. Now for a snappy landing. Keep her Moored here. I'll be back in 15 minutes. Hello, Chuck. Well, Mr. Kimble, hi. How's me old Chuck? Very fit, very fit. I don't think I've ever had a better time than last night. We really broke it up, didn't we? Stick with us. Compound fractures, anything for a laugh. Thank you for getting us out of the brig. I'd hate to think of a couple of cheery blokes like you... disintegrating in a dark, damp dungeon. Not a very happy forwarding address. What are you doing now? I'm going to get tickets. We're going back to the States. That spoils everything. I like you two and I want to do something for you. What about coming to my yacht and having a drink? I want to talk to you... about something you two will be interested in. Yeah? I want to get my tickets. I'll look after that for you. There's no place like home Well, Fearless, wait'll you hear what I got. Outside rooms on "A" deck? No, no. That costs dough. You remember Kimble? Yeah, but let's have the tickets. I ran into him. That's the main issue. You're gonna kiss me when you hear this. Hear what? I got to thinking we should be in some legitimate business. Something sound, conservative. I was telling Kimble. He agreed with me and let us in on a little thing. Let us in on what? I guess you'd call it a diamond mine. Never mind what you guess I'd call it. What is it? A diamond mine. Keep your head now. Hold onto yourself. Don't get excited. What did you say? We got a diamond mine. Ha, ha, it's hot for you, isn't it? No, I'm all right. Tropical sun. Take it easy. The man in the white coat will be here. I got the documents, the map, the rights, the deeds. They're all signed, sealed and delivered. Kimble gave you a diamond mine? He couldn't give it. He said that would involve the corporation. We had to pay him a little something. A little something? How much? Well, roughly... How much? How much? About five grand. Five grand? Half that dough is mine. It took years. I killed myself to get it... four times! Oh, you're a great little kidder. Cheery Chuck. That's funny. You had me upset for a while. When do we sail? I'm not kidding. We got us a diamond mine. Yeah, we got a... diamond mine! Where is it? It's one of those things. It hasn't been worked for centuries. It's kinda lost. All we gotta do is find it. That's a cinch. You just whistle. Put an ad in the paper. Give me the papers. Hey, hey, where you going? I'm gonna get our dough back and stick Kimble in a thimble! Wait a minute! Now, wait! Wait a minute! I want my money. You're gonna crab the gag. You oughta see the yacht this fellow's got. I could have a yacht, if I could run into a yokel like you. Wait, you heard what the waiter told us. Everybody knows him. He's a philanthropist. I don't care who he votes for, I want my money. Here comes the owner of the hotel. I'll leave it to him. Mr. Saunders, could we see you? Certainly. Do you know Mr. Charles Kimble? Kimble? Of the Kimble Mines? I should say so. The family is one of the richest in Africa. Even before they rooked us? Why don't you trust me? I know what I'm doing. Yes, Charles, charming fellow. Delightful company. Loads of fun. He's a little eccentric, of course. But, you know after all... Wait, what do you mean he's a little eccentric? He has a certain weakness for signing papers. Not that his signature is any good. If the family didn't watch, Charles would sell you anything. Anything? He'd even sell one of his diamond mines. Give me the papers. Wait, wait! I'm sorry, Fearless. He was such a nice fellow. There it goes. 5,000 bucks. Blood money squeezed out of my arteries. I met his sister. He showed me corporation papers and things. How was I to know he was wacky? Looked as sane as you... saner. This is the end of everything between us. For years I've been breaking my neck 'cause you asked me, 'cause we were pals. Now, you toss away our money. I've stood for plenty, but now I'm through. Know what I mean? Now, look. Look here, Junior. We've been through a lot since we were kids. We've been through thick and thin. I never figured it was your dough or my dough. I thought everything belonged to both of us. What about that blonde in Brooklyn? You didn't want a share. You wanted to be the whole corporation. You wound up as the holding company. Let's forget about those things. Let's forget about you? I'm loaded with your treatment. I'm fed up. I don't care where you go or what you do. Just forget about me, huh? Get yourself another pigeon. Hey, Chuck, come here. I thought you walked out on me. Don't be silly. I could walk out on my right arm easier. Let's see now. 600 bucks for the tickets. The hotel bill. Fifty for you. Fifty for me. Fifty here. Fifty there. Look, we've never done nothing crooked. We agreed. We did have to go up the sleeve. But we give the sucker a fair shake for his sugar. We never robbed nobody. We never cut nobody's throat. Fifty there. How'd that five get in there? - Fifty. Fifty. - Where'd you get that money? Don't worry. I got it legitimate. I was getting a drink in a dive. There were a couple of fellows. They were loaded. Naturally, I struck up a conversation. What are you getting at? Wait'll you hear it. We had a few drinks and to get down to cases... I unloaded that phoney diamond mine on them. You what? I sold 'em that mine. I got our dough back, five grand! - Who's operating now? - I can't believe it. It was a case of superior mind arguing them into it. That... and the Mickey I managed to slip them. Come on. Get your things. Let's get going. What's the hurry? Those fellows, they might be a little mad. Besides, my rabbit's foot just crouched. Let's move on, huh? Oh, no hurry. We're in good company. You amaze me. This is a talent I didn't know you had. - What kinda fellows were they? - Well, they were... That's the kind of fellows. Here, here. Leave that stuff... Hiya. You are not thinking of walking out on us, are you? Oh, no, we were just figuring on taking a short jaunt. We might toddle to the country. We gotta see a sick tiger. Your sick tiger has got to wait. Just a minute, friend. Who are you? We have mighty good reasons. You have? $7,000 worth of good reasons. $7,000... you told me five. Oh, the other pocket. There's more? The interest mounts up fast. I was gonna surprise you. How nice. I'm afraid your friend hasn't told you everything. He promised to take us to a lost diamond mine. What kind of diamonds are in it? Lost diamonds. He tells us he is the only one who knows where it is. Oh, yes, I knew that. He runs over there quite often. I have a tough time keeping him away from the joint. That's fine. Now, there is only one thing I want to know. When do we start? When do we leave, Fearless? Uh, well... It's Tuesday now. Yeah, all day. You couldn't come back about Friday afternoon, late? One more of your jokes and Solomon, here, will tear out your insides... and the birds will carry them home to their young. How do you like that? I think it's rather good. It's a nice switch. This time the bird gets you. Get your clothes. You are going with us. We're going with them. We're going with them. We're going with them. Patty cake, patty cake, baker's man. Bake a cake as fast as you... - He must have seen the picture. - Get him. Ohhh! Chuck! This must be the nowhere that everyone is always 500 miles from. Why did you have to hop us on a boat going the wrong way? With those two guys after us, I'd have hopped on a turtle if it'd been moving. A couple of more days here and I'm gonna be punchy. Don't go wolfing at me. I didn't get us into this. Did I sell Lebec the mine or did you? You bought it, or I wouldn't have had it. If I didn't have it, I couldn't have sold it. Umm. And if I didn't sell it, we wouldn't be here, would we? Uh-uh. I don't get it. Psst.! Hey, hey, up here. Come up here, will you, please? - Both of us? - Yes, it's a matter of life and death. Death. Yeah, but for who? No, for whom. Please do and hurry. It's the third door. Let's not go for this. Wait, wait. You've been beefing about it being dull. Here's some action. Come on. Oh, now... Come on, you follow me... in front. Fearless Frazier, huh? Come in. Sit down, please. Get a load of that stale character. What are we in? A duck blind or something? Sit down. I don't smoke. He don't smoke either. You're Reardon and you're Frazier, is that right? Yeah, how'd you know? What's with you? What's your racket? - How much money have you got? - That's that. How much? We haven't got anything. We're tapped out. We ain't working. Besides, we got a lot of relatives... who ain't working who got a lot of relatives. Big family. We're killing her. Wait, she's crying. You're not gonna go for that crying dame routine. They want to wipe their eyes on your bankroll. Don't you want to hear what it's about? Wait. Honey, honey, what's the matter? I have a friend who's in serious trouble. Yeah? What kind of trouble? Donna, that's my friend. Donna and I were on our way into the interior... when a terrible thing happened. What happened? We were captured by slave traders. Are you ready? - Please. - Honey, what are you selling? We're not kids out of the sixth grade. What happened to the fifth? Well, you were... look... You're in Africa now. Strange things happen here. This is a horrible place. Really, it's terrible. The whole magilla here, isn't it? If you were both captured, how is it you're loose? They didn't want me. Oh, naturally. I mean, that's too bad. Nice out. If I had any money, I'd buy her freedom. I wouldn't ask you. Take us to her. Where is she? This way, I think. Hiya, hiya, hiya. There she is. There's Donna. Very rakish, huh? That's it. Let's get her. No, you've got to bid. She's gonna come high too. Let's get a down payment. Bounce the whole thing on the barrel head. The lump, huh? She has, hasn't she? I wouldn't know. - 20 kolaks. - 25 kolaks. - 30 kolaks. - 40 kolaks. What's a kolak? It's about six bits. 50 kolaks. 50 kolaks! What was the price? 50 kolaks. Is that F.O.B. Detroit? Shhh. One of the newer models. Hiya. Here she is now. Here's Donna. Oh, bid, bid. Say something. I will, wait. Hey, 5 kolaks. 5 kolaks. 35 kolaks. Uh, 40 kolaks. Fifty. 50 kolaks. 60 kolaks. 70 kolaks. 71 kolaks. 75 kolaks. 76 kolaks. 77 kolaks. 78 kolaks. What are we doing? Who are you with? - 120 kolaks. - A-ha. 120 kolaks. Let me get at that capitalist. 150 kolaks. One hundred and... ha-ha-ha! He's ticklish. Stay with him. 150 kolaks. 50, 50, 50, bongo. American. Bongo, we made it. Right here, dear. Pay the man, Junior. You handle all the good stuff. How many kolaks? Sticky, ain't it? Let's get you out of those things. I think they're overdoing this slave bracelet thing. There we are. Ah, bongo. How can I ever repay you? It was nothing. What do you mean? It cost us 150 Polkas. What's that? Two beers. Are you kidding? You can pay us. We're not proud. Walk home with me. I'd be glad to. We'll see you later. Half the money was mine. You can walk halfway. Half... I wonder if the sale's over. Come back here. What kind of a shuffle is this? Halfway! Fifty. Sixty. Seventy. Seventy-five. 75 for you, 75 for me. You very smart girl. Very clever idea. Ideas are all we've got. Baby, have I got food! What'd you get? All the vitamins from "A" to "Z." I'll take "A" and be satisfied with that. Well, it worked okay. We'll eat for a while. What happened to Zeke and Lemuel? Prepare yourself for a shock. How's your heart? It'll feel better when I wrap this goose liver around it. Do you know how much money those two boys had? Not $100. Nobody's got $100. - $7,000. - Water. Just let me look at it. Let me get my hands on it. Now, wait a minute. They're not that easy. But listen to this. They're taking us cross-country to young Bradley. You trying to tell grandma they'd lug you across country... so you can marry the Bradley bankroll? They don't know about that. I put on an act. They think they're taking me to see a dying father. He's an ivory trader. You're really improving. That's better than the yarn you gave young Bradley. I managed to squeeze out tears. I made 'em trickle down. What are we doing going into a jungle with dames? They'll start hanging unto our necks and screaming... or vice versa. If there's any screaming, I'll know who to blame. If they spend our dough, you're gonna hear plenty of screaming from me. She gives you a baby stare... and you're reaching into your pocket for my dough. The kid was crying so hard she could hardly talk. An American girl too. Where's your red, white and blue blood? I ain't waving it every time I see a big pair of brown eyes. I had to help her. I'd do that much for a dog. A dog don't sell you an idea of going on a safari. A dog don't eat three meals a day and there's no chance of marrying a dog. Ah-ah-ah, you're in the tree tonight. Oh, not again. Oh, yes. Oh, please. There we go. That's a big man. You mean you're going into the suite again. I'm very happy here. Everything's comfortable for you? I like it here. Just ring if you need anything. I wouldn't want to bother you. A cup of cocoa or something. Make yourself comfy. Yeah, that's what I like about you, 50-50. That's a big man. Ha, ha, ha. Don't worry about me. Ha, ha, ha. You all right? Who's there? You all settled and cozy and comfy? Let's have a nice, Frank, open discussion. We might as well go out on a safari. Look, I'm not going on any safari. It's a great hideout. Let's hide somewhere. Let's go back. Back? How we gonna go back? If we're lucky enough to get through those cops, we gotta face Lebec and that 7-foot character with the toad-stabber. You want any piece ofhim? No, I guess not. Well, so far, safari. Donna, have you got the bags? Yes, it's here. It's all set. I'm not too fussy. This will do for me. Ah-ah-ah. I'm not fussy. You're in the observation car in the rear. How about this? This is mine. Been in the family for years. My folks are old safari people from South Dakota. How about me? You catch a zebra and ride in. I just swing it from tree to tree. Do the best you can. Mr. Livingstone, can I see you? I'm sending out the laundry. Keep in touch with me, will you? Okay. Give me a hand with the trunk. Get your head down. My head? You're gonna carry it. What about the Porters? It's full of valuables. I'm not gonna trust it to them. Boys, give it a lift. Mush on, men. Give it a big right rudder. Ma-toum-bom-ba Ma-toum-bom-ba Ma-toum-bom-ba Ma-toum-bom-ba Ma-toum-bom-ba Ma-toum-bom-ba Warm skies The cry of a wild bird The murmuring shadows That hide in the deep tangled wood The wind softly whispers That it isn't far where enchanted orchids are This is thejungle Thanks! And the road to Zanzibar Ma-toum-bom-ba Ma-toum-bom-ba Ma-toum-bom-ba Ma-toum-bom-ba Lions may roar leopards may growl Savages may shout and holler But outside of that it's peaceful And a gentleman needn't have a dollar The trees deal in magic And a guiding star can't help you where you are Romance may happen On the road to Zanzibar Ma-toum-bom-ba Ma-toum-bom-ba Hey, this is okay. Not bad. We'll probably start an auto camp here. - Mr. Frazier, bwana. - I don't wanna bwana. Men want money before sleep. I paid them last night, the night before and the night before that. What, do they got slot machines around here? Might as well pay them, unless you want to follow the swallows. Think they got a union? Union! They got muscles too. Hey. Here. Sticky, ain't it? - Fearless. - Yeah? Fearless, I wonder if... I can't call you Fearless. What's your right name? Hubert. Oh. Fearless, I wonder if you'd do something for me. Oh, sure, anything... within reason. Sit down. Nervous? No, a splinter. There. Now, I want you to try and forget that I'm here. Try and forget you're here? Yeah. Oh. Your smile is much too wise You're dangerous You kiss me with your eyes You're dangerous Sure you have the right fellow? My heart gets so excited It's thrilled for a change And simply because you're charming Now isn't that strange You know that moon too well You're dangerous Why any fool can tell You're dangerous And with your arms around me I should call for aid You're dangerous But who's afraid Me! Now, wait a minute. Ooh, you're dangerous. Chuck! You kiss me with your eyes Oh, you're dangerous My heart gets so excited It's thrilled for a change And simply because you're charming Now isn't that strange You know the moon too well Oh, you're dangerous Why any fool can tell You're dangerous And with your arms around me I should call for aid You're dangerous But who's afraid Does that do anything to you, Mr. Frazier? No, nothing at all. Well, good-bye. What's the idea? What are you turning the heat on him for? Just practicing. Practicing? Oh! I haven't seen Bradley in weeks. He might have cooled off. I wanted to see what kind of effect the song had. Hey, Chuck? Hmm? I want you to do something for me. What is it? I'm kind of worried. It's Donna. She's gettin' romantic notions and I don't want any entangling alliances. I want you to put in a bad word for me. I wouldn't worry, Junior, you can handle it. I know how these dames work. First thing you know, she'll be getting cold, and she'll come up and snuggle next to me. See what I mean? Don't know how you do it? It's chilly, isn't it? Are you comfortable? Yes, thanks. Look at that moon. It's as big as a million-dollar gold piece. It's funny. I'm just beginning to notice it. It's pretty, isn't it, Junior? The moon routine... opening maneuver. What did you say your father was doing... in the middle of thejungle? I thought I told you. He's a rubber trader. Your girlfriend said he was an ivory trader. Well, he is. He trades rubber for ivory... and ivory back again for more rubber, you see? Comes out even, huh? Leave Donna alone. She's had trouble enough. She's takin' it like a little soldier too. Little soldier in the old army game. You're in pretty solid with this kid, but I think I can sabotage you. Don't scuttle me. I wouldn't do it for anybody but you. I know you wouldn't. Oh, my. You about ready to go to sleep, baby? I'll be along soon. Wouldn't you like me to fix you a cup of tea? No thank you. But look what I found! Bradley's tea. It's your favorite brand, remember? All right, Julia, if it'll make you happy. Well, come on. Good night, Chuck. Good night, Hubert. Hubert? Is that you? I told her everything. Wait a minute. Where's my other leg? I think it's in your other pants. Oh, yeah. She's just usin' you to get to me. You're a riot, Hubert. I had a gal in Birch Falls. You know what she did to get me on the hook? She was runnin' around with a sailor to make me jealous. I used to send her candy, furs, jewelry, and things like that. And she used to send them back with nasty notes. Thought I didn't get it. She's probably still carrying a terrific torch for you. What was that? It's just an owl or something. Go to sleep. An owl? What was that? Me! Come on, will you go to sleep? I will. What're you gonna do with that? It's just for propaganda. Couldn't hit anything with it. But I could worry 'em a little. Boy, I'm nervous. Hey, I'm shaking! I was so nervous, the bed is still shaking. Go to sleep, will ya? Oh, no wonder. Look, it's a snake. Snake? Yeah, snake. A snake! And so, at daybreak, our little band of intrepid adventurers... sets forth on its perilous journey... into the mysterious, unfathomablejungle. Week after week, they plod onward... with nothing to guide them but the stars by night and the sun by day... and their own inherent sense of direction. Over mountains, through marshes, over rivers... Why, they've been over that river before.! Something's gone wrong here. Oh, this is terrible. Why are they going that way? If I could only tell them. No, no, no.! Not that way. Turn back.! Well, at last they're back on their course again. Day after day, theyjourney onward, cutting a trail deeper and deeper into the uncharted interior. Onward and onward, unaware of the dangers that lurk on every side. Suddenly, there's a tense moment as they come face-to-face... with the terror of the dark continent... a charging rhinoceros.! The ground trembles beneath 5,000 pounds of death on the hoof. But dauntless and unafraid, our courageous four hold their ground. Shaken by their narrow escape, they come to the Masaka River. I know you, old boy. You and your moonlight walks. Don't you worry about that. If Donna wants to, let her slap my face. Come here. What? I shaved. What's this? Your eyes are all red. Just a minute. You're crazy. Just the white part is red. Guess it's my imagination. I'm ready. That and with what Thonga's been saying. What does Thonga know? He's no doctor. Well, don't wait up... Thonga's what? Go ahead now. Have a good time, enjoy yourself. What was it? A lot of white men have come down with it... and a lot of them have gotten over it. They haven't all died. What're you doing? What're you tryin' to sell? Thonga's been saying you might be coming down with malaria. I don't think so. Me? Are you kidding? I'm one of the healthiest men around here. What is that, Chuck? This is a little malarial preventive. I thought I better take some. I've been exposed now. I gotta rush on... You look all right. Have a good time. Even if you have anything, it's just a very mild case. Yeah. So long. Say, Chuck, I thought I'd take a dose before I started. It'll pick me up a little. That's the last dose. The last dose? I better take it. I think I'd better have it. I'm operating this safari and I think... I'm the man with the pink eyes. I'd better go for it. There we go. Take it all. That's a good boy. Makes you feel better. That's good. What is that? It's a mild sort of sedative. Sedative! Yeah. That'll make me sleep! I gave you a double-header. It shouldn't hurt you. I got a date with Donna. I gotta be peppy. I'll make up your bed. Why do I listen to you? I gotta take something. Take a nap. I gotta be... Come on, Junior. La da Dee Dee Why do you do this to me? Da da Dee Dee da There. Why do I want to listen to you? Oh, what a night! What a moon! What a girl! Must be more to it than this. What does a fella do now? You could read poetry. I could if I had a book of poetry. I could play a guitar if I had a guitar. If you knew how to play one. How about a nice mixed green salad? This reminds me of a picture I saw once. A fellow and a girl in a canoe. Just like we are... only he was paddling. Showing off? Yeah, and out of a clear sky he started to sing a song. What's wrong with that? Nothing. But what killed me is that from nowhere an orchestra started... Violins and everything right in the middle of the jungle. I think I can top that. I saw a picture once... Same situation... a boy and a girl in a canoe. She was paddling. Show-off? All of a sudden he sticks his hand in the water... and out comes the sound of a harp, out of the water. I don't believe it. It's a fact. All he did was this. Did you hear something? Uh-huh. Do it again. What is this? That's not bad. Now if you could just take it down a halftone. Okay, shorty! Orchestra, please. Whenever it's early twilight I watch 'til a star breaks through Funny, it's not a star I see It's always you Whenever I roam through roses And lately I often do Funny, it's not a rose I touch It's always you If a breeze caresses me It's really you strolling by And if I hear a melody It's merely the way you sigh Wherever you are You're near me You dare me to be untrue Funny, each time I fall in love It's always you Where have you been half the night? And I don't believe it. Oh... Just out, grandma. Just out, huh? I don't need any thermometer to tell me that you're running a temperature. Tomorrow, huh? Oh, no. I'm a little tired. We'll take care of it right now! You're marrying Bradley if I have to climb the steeple... and ring the wedding bells myself. Can't we forget Bradley? You wanna forget Bradley? Now, you listen to me! You're not going to pass up the Bradley millions, not for the other half of a human cannonball! All right, Julia! If it'd make you happier, the next time Chuck comes near, I'll sling mud at him! Good! And I'll hand you the mud! Good night, baby. Not too much muscle on those duds. Leave it to me. There we are. What did you do to my best shirt? What'd you do to your best pal? You handed me a Mickey Finn! Would I do that to you? You sure would, if you were in the same spot. All the time she was with you, she was talkin' about me. She was very unhappy because you weren't there. Cried, cried, and cried... on my shoulder. That don't mean nothin'. Being a gentleman of the old school, I slipped my arm around her, no struggle. That don't mean nothin'. With the moon and the stars and one thing and another, I sorta kissed her. That don't mean nothin'. Did to me. Listen, Buster, you're just the come-on, the shill. I'm the shill? You think she's gonna kiss me to make you jealous? You weren't there. You didn't even see it. Somehow you don't get it. Don't you know why she does it? Why's that? She knows you'll tell me. You big blabbermouth! Fearless, would you like to take a little walk with me? Huh? Oh, sure! I'll be right with you. I can finish this later. If you don't mind, I'd like to talk to Fearless alone. Alone? Sure. That's the way life is. Some fellas got it and some fellas ain't got it. Hey! You got it! I'm no different than a lot of other guys. I've knocked around, but then the right one comes along and I'm hooked. Not easy, mind you. Fearless, let's sit down. Yeah, I know what you mean. You can fight it all you want to, but when love really comes along, you're gone. And it's come along, huh? That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Well, tell Hubert. What's whispering in that little heart of yours. Well, it's about Chuck. Oh. No, don't go. Last night I guess I was carried away, gave him the wrong idea. Now I'm worried. I want to be fair with him, but you see... There's somebody else. Oh. And now you wonder whether you ought to tell Chuck? Uh-huh, but it's kinda hard for me to do, I... How did you know? I know what girls are thinking better than they do themselves. What should I do? I've got to tell him. I like him so much, and yet I... Listen, it's simple. Don't worry. He already knows. I've been tellin' him all along. How did you find out? Right there. I got a feeling for those things. It shows all over you. I knew the first time I met you. And you told Chuck? I tried to, but it's so hard to beat it into his head. He's one of the nicest fellas in the world, my best pal, but he's so stuck on himself. Thinks when he's around a girl, they won't look at anybody else. What do you think I should do about it? Don't do a thing. Leave it all to me. I'll handle the whole thing. Fearless, you're a darling. Yeah, I know. Donna? I think I better go. Thank you, Fearless. Aren't you coming? Not until my toes uncurl. Bye. Come on, come on. Put that junk up, will ya? Let's talk this over. This isn't junk and I've got nothing to say. I've gotta get it finished. Should look very fetching on you. I'm getting shoes and a bag to match. I'd do that. It's for a certain party. Token of my steam. "Esteem" is the word. No, steam. I was hot that night. Stop dropping these veiled hints around here. What's percolating up in that single cell of yours? It's what I've been trying to tell you. Donna doesn't care for you, she's in love with me. - She told you? - If I might say, verbatim. That's the silliest thing I ever heard of. How could she be in love with you? You talk like I'm a goon or something. When I'm with women, I get a different personality. Sort of a Jekyll and Hyde. You don't ever get them mixed up, do you? You've been wonderful to me, and I want to be fair with you, because we like you... but you know that's life. Some fellas got it and some fellas ain't got it... I got it. Chuck, I wanna talk to you. Why don't you knock? What, on canvas? I'd like to talk to Chuck. Go ahead. Chuck, sit down. The lady wants to talk. What I'm gonna tell you, it's for your own good. Donna's, everybody's. I don't know what you're talkin' about. You're gettin' Donna mixed up. There's no use dusting off the orange blossoms. I've been giving him the same routine. She's in love with somebody else. You're hearing it with your own ears. I've been tellin' him. How do you know? She told me. What is this, everybody tellin' everybody else? Why don't she tell me? She gets tongue-tied in the moonlight, but she's got one chance for security and for happiness... and I'm gonna see that she gets it. She's gonna marry Jay Theodore Bradley if I have to use a shotgun. Now, I guess you'll listen. She's gonna marry Bradley... Who? Hey! What do you mean she's gonna marry Bradley? Okay.! Okay.! How do you like that, she's got a guy.! Who? We're dumb. She's gonna marry Bradley. Nobody's dying, you understand? That's what kills me. Nobody's dyin'... not even her father. She never had a father. We're suckers! No father? She's hitchhiking on us, spending our dough! She's gonna marry Bradley, that guy with the yachts! You could melt his cups and have a million. We're the guys sailing. Take it slower, about eight-to-the-bar. What was that? She's gonna marry Bradley, the guy with the boats. And I'm stringing the beads! I saw you. He tells her to come, but she has no dough. We step into the picture, loaded with dough. We're big men. We had dough. They're gone. We're cooked. Wish I was dead. So do I. How about that trouble with the slave market? All a phoney! We're supposed to be smart gees! Where do you think those dames are from? Where? Brooklyn, and they did it to us! Oi, vai.! What're we gonna do? We'll have her dodging all the way to Brooklyn! Come on! How do you like that? Hey, Donna, come here. Wait a minute. I'll get her. She's not here. Not here? Thonga, did you see Miss Donna? Miss Donna? She go that way. Come on. Help! Help! Somebody help.! Wait. Do we know what we're doing? No, but come on. - Help! - Donna? Donna? Donna? It's her clothes. The leopards! They've killed her! It can't be. Oh, Donna. She was so pretty. Just a kid. We shouldn't have let her go out alone. It's our own fault. Who's gonna break the news toJulia? Somebody's gotta tell her. Yeah. Somebody. This is all there is left of her, I guess. Not even an ear, nothin'. Gee, what hogs those leopards are. Want to take this stuff back to camp? No, let's bury it right here. Sort of make the ground... Make the ground hallowed, huh? Yeah, that's the stuff. That's a nice thought, Fearless. Only moments ago we were talking together, laughing. You know, sometimes when the light hit her just right... she was the prettiest thing I've ever seen. Yeah, I noticed. And a couple of minutes ago we were gonna tell her where to head in. When I think of what she did to us, that Bradley thing! If I'd have gotten my hands on her, I'd have... Fearless, not now. We have to rise above these petty things. Yeah. When I think what she did to us, it's so hard to rise. Maybe you oughta say a few words, huh? Yeah. A poem would be nice. You know any poems? Me? "A bunch of the boys were whooping it up at the malamute saloon, and the kid that was playing... " No. No. Don't fit, huh? "'Twas a balmy summer's evening, and a goodly crowd was there... " No? There must be other poems. Might be better if I just said what I feel. Yes. Donna, I've only known you a short time, but in that short time you've... you've crept into my heart. What's the matter with me? She crept into both of us. Donna... it's true you lied to us. That's just too bad. You didn't have too, you know. You could've... I don't know why she did it. I've never heard of such a filthy trick. Carting us across thejungle, spending our dough and lying like that.! She didn't have to do it! If she'd come out with it, we'd have helped her! Yes. Not once did she tell us... Chuck! We gotta rise above it. I'm sorry. Even though she's wrong... We gotta rise. We gotta rise. Donna, good-bye. Chuck, doesn't seem like a funeral to me. Maybe you oughta sing a hymn. Maybe if I just sang our song? That's nice. Whenever it's early twilight I watch 'til a star breaks through It's funny, it's not a star I see It's always you Come in, Fearless. Wherever you are you're near me You dare me to be untrue It's funny, each time I fall in love It's always you If a breeze caresses me It's really you strolling by And if I hear a melody It's merely... The way you sigh Hey, hey, look here. You're alive, huh? I might've known. If I could find those leopards, I'd sic 'em on you. What's the matter? I was just having fun. She's buried and she's having fun! A comical corpse, huh? We know about Bradley and you lying too.! You and that phoney slave market.! You can't even get killed on the level.! Anybody else would leave you out in this jungle. But not us, we're the better-type suckers! You're right. We're gonna give you the full treatment. Take Thonga and the safari! And take the money! Take a powder! You can take Bradley too! And how you'll take him. Give him our deepest sympathies. He'll need it! That's tellin' her. That's the larger-type brush. I never heard you go better. Very seldom I give out with that routine. Wouldn't you think she'd come crawling... on her hands and knees, begging us to forgive her? Instead, she runs out on us. All we did was tell her to. Isn't that a woman for you every time? Maybe Bradley was a bluff. Maybe she saw I wasn't gettin'jealous of you, so she rang in a millionaire. You mean, there was no Bradley? She travels across Africa just to be with you? Could be. You're a riot. Fearless Frazier, the great profile. Not bad from the side, either. Come on, let's get out of here. Where are we goin'? Anywhere where we can get a boat back to the States. Now you're cookin' with gas. Which way is that? Well, we came in... Here. Here we go. Chuck, where'd you go? See any signs of life? Life? This looks like a graveyard. Who built this? I don't know. It wasn't beavers. Old Man Mose. Uh-oh! What a way to collect the rent. Badly hurt. There's been a bit of pig-sticking, dear boy. What's this? Come on. Let me hear from you. Hey. What is this? This must have been some party. We miss everything. Look at the drums! Fearless! You remember him. Don't get up. Look at this. Drums! Yeah.! How about this? Good.! Was I too hot for you? What's that, an echo? Sounds like an echo. Let's try it. Hey... that's no echo. You know what this is? Ajungle telegraph office. Jungle telegraph? S.O. S... get us out of here. I don't know the code. Well, fake it. Do something. Chloe! She's never around when you need her. Let's try this here. Tell 'em we need food. And a change of linen. Get a big bus. We want to get back to Birch Falls. Any messages for the folks? Can you send over ten words? What was that? I just sent it collect. Do you hear that? What is it? I don't know. We're not getting through. We're on the wrong wavelength. Here, you try it once. I'll try it. Come and get us! You take it. I'm beat. Who, me? I'll try it on the little drum. Yeah, get a different tone. The boys are here. They are? You sent the wrong message. It was intercepted. Hi, fellas. Who's got the dice? What do you make of it? The way I figure, they think we're big shots, maybe gods or something. I wish I was sure. What worries me is all this trimming... Don't mean a thing. It's like parsley on fish. Yeah. Looks like they're gonna broil us like lamb chops. Wait a minute! What do you want to be? "The man who came to dinner"? Moon-face is for us, but old ratchet-head's putting in an awful knock. Should we kiss the babies? We're not running for anything. We've already been elected. What's this? That's gold. Cut yourself in, Junior. I'm in there. Yes, sir! Old pawnbroker. If this keeps up, we'll be loaded. Try and act like a god. A god? I said a god, not a cod. This is okay. This is probably the 40-cent tour. These open-top cabs are the thing, boy. Yeah, no meter. We're off to see the wizard. I don't like the looks of these. Probably some of their own boys killed in battle. This one's got a removable bridge! Well, remove it. Yeah, ghoul it. Me? Probably wants me to make a speech. Say a few words. I'll be right back. This kid's a great talker. Where's the stand? This'll be all right. I can speak here. Wait a minute! Am I exhibit "A"? I guess they don't think you're a god anymore. I'm big in Birch Falls. Wait, wait! Don't move. What're you doing? What're you talkin' about? Hinge! Hiya. Listen... No! No! Oh, no.! Look out.! Get me out of here! He'll kill me! He'll tear me up like an old blotter! It's a test of strength. They want you to wrestle him.! Wrestle? Like Bonzo the bear.! Nothing but hair and muscles! I can't wrestle that! Pour it on him! Pour what, my blood? He's down! Go get him! Go ahead, go get him! Climb on him, boy! Think you're playing with kids? That'll teach you! You can't miss. You're too scientific. I got him! I got him! Oops! Positions reversed. No! Foul! Chuck, do something! Oh, my toes! Come on, you fearless boy! Chuck, tell him to stop.! Oh, you don't like it? I'll dig my way out of here! Hey! Hey! Now you're working in there! Come on, boy.! Here you are. Beat it, Fearless. Fly, boy! - Keep working in there. - Oh, Chuck! Keep working in there, boy! Go ahead, Fearless.! Monotonous, isn't it? Come on, boy.! Now you're working in there. - You're gonna outpoint him. - Excuse me. Now you got it.! Was that me? Get back in there and pitch. You're gonna win! Come on, fearless boy! Take him! Hit him, boy! If I get this act to the States, it'll kill them! What state will I be in? Light a match! Do something! I haven't got any more. Let the blood go back in my head.! I don't want any more food! Hey, will you cut out that chirping? You're driving me crazy in this chicken coop. These guys dancin' and beatin' those drums for days. If they're gonna eat us, why don't they do it? Don't be in a hurry, boy. You'll be brisket of beef soon enough. Imagine me on the 65-cent blue plate. I think you're slated for the businessman's lunch. Fearless Frazier, the human meatball! I gotta get out of here. There must be some way. Look out, look out. They'll grab an hors d'oeuvre off you. Well, pardon yourself. Must've been somebody he ate. That's life... here today... and just a burp tomorrow. I like it in here. What about this? It's the last mile, boy. I'm telling you, I'll give you indigestion. You won't like me! Think of something. You're the big idea man. They're gonna make 4-minute eggs out of us. He's had enough already. Well, it's worth a trial. Here. Patty cake, patty cake baker's man Bake a cake as fast as you... Now, listen. Don't nix this thing until you've heard it. It might be the biggest idea I've ever had. You come out beautifully gowned with sequins and spangles. You flex your muscles, and there you are... Mademoiselle Frazier, the bearded lady. Are you kidding? You think I want those sailors chasing me? No, sir! You seem to have lost all confidence in me. Get me out of this Emile Zola and get me two tickets home. What with? The minute I get off that boat, I'm gonna grab a handful of that U.S.A. and eat it. Birch Falls! What're we gonna use for money, personality? Money? Come here. What's this? You know Fearless Frazier in a pinch. Solid gold. What did you do, roll a prospector? When we were gods, the chief put 'em around our neck. Where've you had them? I hid them. I got a secret panel in my head. Room enough there for it. Let's hock 'em, get sharpened up and draped down! And check this beaver. I'll have a shave if you can find my face. Don't cut yourself. How 'bout me getting the boat tickets while you're losing that hedge? What's the matter with waitin' for me? I waited for you. There might be a boat sailin' any minute. I don't know about you goin' alone for the tickets. I think I'm old enough to get a couple of tickets. See you in the hotel in a half hour, huh? He said half an hour. It's six hours already. He's got 'em. He must have the tickets. Please let him have the tickets. Maybe something happened to him. Nah. Maybe he drowned. If he did drown, let them find the tickets on him. Fearless.! Wait 'til I tell you what happened.! Just wave the tickets at me while you're doing it. There's no boat for a month. Tie an outboard motor on me and aim me. Wait 'til I tell you. I didn't get the tickets. You didn't get the tickets? No, I ran into a fella... I don't want to hear about a fella unless he has an anchor and a poop deck. You're always running into a fella, and I want to go home! What are you doing to me? What I got is better than tickets home! There's nothin' better. This is better. Our dough's gone. You bought something. I'm going to take you in my hands and walk all over you! Chuck! Be a good boy. Just relax. The tickets! I wanna go home! Wait just a minute. Here's what we got and for keeps too. Donna.! Julia.! What is this? We wanted to get money to get home. They were workin' that slave racket. What about Bradley? Love upset that. I couldn't get Donna near him with a mule team. She tossed him over, huh? Well, it's no surprise. I figured sooner or later she'd get moody about me again... Wait, Livingstone. Not you, him. You know, some fellas got it... and some fellas ain't got it. So that's the way it is? I got it. How are we all gonna get home? We've only got dough for two tickets. I got an idea. What an idea! Money to get home? We'll have enough for a Mediterranean cruise! Chuck, go on your honeymoon! I'll give you everything. I can see this now. A big black box. Chuck... It's never been done in this territory before. You got that look, Chuck. Hurry, hurry, hurry, folks. Come closer, come closer. Fearless Frazier, king of the bucksaw, will saw this young lady in half! Here we go. The lid is placed upon the lovely lady. We fasten the catch. The saw is put in place... and we are about to proceed. You all right, honey? Right, I hope. Here we go! You sure you know how to do this? If I don't, one of us is going back half-fare. |
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