I don't know about you,
but to me there's something
a bit funny about tortoises.
The way even
the teenagers are wrinkly.
I bet that leads to some
awkward moments.
"Oh, Brian, I love you so much.
How old are you?"
"I'm 17. How old are you, Janet?"
"I'm 86." "Goodness me. You're old
enough to be my grandmother."
"Yeah, actually, Brian,
"I... AM... your grandmother."
But the story I want to tell you,
although it does involve tortoises,
it doesn't begin with a tortoise.
It begins with a man
called Mr Hoppy.
'Mr Hoppy, the hero of our story,
'lived in a nice flat
in an apartment block in London.
'There are three things
you should know about Mr Hoppy.
'He's kind...
'he's shy...
'and most importantly -
he's not that guy in the hat.'
Oh, are you OK,
Mr Mavrokoukoudopolous?
'He's the man in the lift.'
No rush, Mr Mavrokoukoudopolous.
I'm holding the door.
- Take your ti...
- Whoa!
Ah!
You care for a crisp, Mr Pringle?
Ah, yes.
Lovely.
'And don't worry if he doesn't look
the flashiest of fellows.
'I've learnt
that very often in life,
'it's the quiet, unassuming ones
'who turn out to be
the most interesting.'
I'll have to fix that.
Give me
a kiss to build a dream on...
'I think we can safely say
Mr Hoppy lives alone.
'Either that or his family
are very small eaters
'and all having a sleep
at the moment.'
Bom bom bom...
'No. He lives alone.'
Give me a kiss
before you leave me...
'But don't worry,
'this isn't going to be one of
those stories where a lonely bloke
'wanders around a flat for two hours
'and then dies alone
of a horrible disease.
'It's going to be full of passion
and surprises -
'as indeed is our Mr Hoppy.'
Raspberry Cream,
meet Wisley Vanilla.
Oh, give me your lips
for just a moment
And my imagination
Will make that moment live
Oh, give me what you alone can give
A kiss to build a dream on.
The truth is there were
two loves in Mr Hoppy's life.
One was his flowers
and the other was a secret love
he kept all to himself.
And like so many secrets,
it was the most important thing
of all about him.
Because Mr Hoppy was in love...
with the girl downstairs.
Good morning, Mr Hoppy.
Ah.
Mrs Silver.
Hello.
Hello.
By the way, our story
is mainly concerned with this -
the second love.
If you want to find out about the
flowers, watch Gardeners' World.
I mean, I like plants as much as the
next bloke, but this is very much
not a "will or won't the dahlias
blossom before the frost kicks in?"
type of thing.
Oh, wait, I think that's mine. Hey!
Hey!
Another absolutely gorgeous morning.
Yes. Gorgeous. Absolutely.
Another one of them.
The sort of weather that makes me
want to just
take off all my clothes and
dive naked into the nearest lake.
Don't you think, Mr Hoppy?
- Mr Hoppy?
- Yes.
Yes, yes.
Perfect weather for jumping
into lakes
wearing very little.
'Sadly, Mr Hoppy was so shy,
'he couldn't even ask Mrs Silver
round for a cup of tea...'
let alone dive stark naked
into a lake with her.
But he loved her.
And he remembered the precise moment
he'd fallen in love.
'Which happened to be
the first moment he ever met her -
'five years ago.'
Hold that lift!
Oh, thank you so much,
you darling man.
Oh, they won't be long.
- What floor are you?
- Four.
Oh, isn't that lucky?
I'm moving in on three, below you.
I hope you're not
one of those rowdy types,
keeping me up all night
with your hip-hop stylings.
No. But my name is Mr Hoppy,
in fact.
Hoppy. Oh, what a gorgeous name!
And do I detect a little
American accent there?
Well, yes, I am an American.
Oh, how divine.
Oh, you're a gorgeous bunch.
From Cary Grant to Paul Newman,
I can't keep my hands
off the lot of you!
Oh, I'm Mrs Silver. Lavinia.
Facebook status - widowed.
Ah. My Facebook status is
"I'm not in the Facebook".
No. Too busy living, I expect.
Oh, come in, boys.
We've held the lift.
Come in.
Would it be easier
if I maybe took the next one,
give you a little more room?
No, no, it's just getting cosy!
Wonderfully quiet lift.
- That's very good news.
- Yes.
I don't think anyone's
actually pushed a button yet.
Oh!
I'm such a silly sausage sometimes.
Ooh!
You're four. I'm three.
Perhaps I should press two
and one as well and give us
more time to get to know each other.
'He never forgot
that first brief encounter'
and every time
he met her from then on
just made him love her even more.
Summer.
Don't you just love it
when summer finally comes?
Autumn.
Oh.
Always such a relief
when summer's over.
Mm.
'Winter.'
This is so much
my favourite time of year.
Spring.
Oh.
Spring at last!
Doing something special tonight,
Mrs Silver?
Us midwives are going out
for a good old knees-up.
Funny when you think of it -
when we spent our entire careers
extracting babies from women
lying with their knees up.
Oh... I...
I didn't know you were a midwife.
Retired.
I just thought
if I can't have kids myself,
I might as well just help others
to have them.
How wonderful.
Well, perhaps you could come with me,
Mr Hoppy?
- You could waltz me off my feet.
- Oh, no. I... I...
- I'm not a dancer.
- Nonsense.
There's no such thing
as "not a dancer" -
just a person who's never found
the right girl to dance with.
You're American, for heaven's sake -
the land that brought us
Fred Astaire and John Travolta
and...
that naughty little
Justin Timberlake.
I know you can dance.
- No, no, I can't.
- Can!
No, I can't.
Can!
No, I really can't.
You bloody well can!
'He loved her and
longed for her to love him back
'but there really were
a lot of problems.
'For one thing, unlike Mr Hoppy,
Mrs Silver didn't live alone.
'Well, she did for a while, but
then she did something about it.'
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Oh! Well, hooray!
This is honestly the most
exciting moment of my life.
Come in. Come in!
'She just went
and got herself a new chap.'
A chap called Alfie.
Well... you are more gorgeous than
I could possibly have dreamed.
Oh, my darling. What heaven.
We're going to have
such a wonderful life together.
'From then on,
Mrs Silver dedicated all her love
'and attention to her
wrinkly companion.
'And although he wasn't the
world's greatest conversationalist,
'she did quite enough talking
for the both of them.'
Look, Alfie,
that's me on my wedding day.
I'm not so sure about that dress
any longer.
Rather too much bust, I think
you'll agree.
Oh, and that chap there -
that's my husband.
Look how tall he is. 6'3".
I only came up to his chest hair.
I never once saw
the top of his head.
More a giant than a man.
A wonderful posture.
He was a perfect English gent...
and a prize-winning dancer.
Oh, he was so, so kind.
The things we were going to do.
And the...
places we were going to go
and the...
...life we were going to lead.
Oh, that's enough of me gabbing on.
You must be exhausted.
Time for your nap, my gorgeous.
I love you so much. I really do.
Even your little stubby legs.
Our love will last a lifetime,
Alfie.
Sweet dreams.
'Oh, how Mr Hoppy wished
she was saying those words to him.'
Not the ones about the little
stubby legs, obviously,
but the others, about love.
His life was now terribly
complicated -
head over heels in love with
a woman whose only interest in life
was a small tortoise.
If only he could find the words
to convince her of his love.
If only I'd been paying attention.
I think I'm on the wrong bus.
That's the problem with stories.
You get swept up in them,
you lose track.
Does he get anywhere?
Does she fall in love with him?
You're going to have to wait,
I'm afraid.
Mr Hoppy knew
he had to say something.
He had to tell her how he felt.
Hello.
Again.
Isn't this perfect?
Grab joy while you can, I say.
Oh...
You're right, completely right.
And I was... just thinking...
wondering, uh...
whether...
And the thing of it is,
we've been neighbours for years.
You live alone and I live alone...
I just wondered whether...
...you know...
Oh, no, you're...
You're right, best,
best leave things as they are.
On the contrary,
I think you've got
a very good point.
It's high time
we got to know each other.
How about dinner tonight?
- That's very kind of...
- Excellent.
I'll pop round about six.
Open-neck shirt, possibly, give you
a glimpse of the old tan, eh?
Yummy.
So, Hoppy, it's wonderful
to have a chance to really,
really get to know you.
Find out about the man
behind the mask, as it were.
Yes, well, I...
It's so easy, in life,
to pass people in the lift
and never really get to grips with
who they are, where they come from.
- That's so true.
- So, tell me everything -
where you were born, where
you grew up, what job you did,
love, life, back problems -
the whole caboodle.
- Well, start at the beginning.
- Well... - Born?
Well, yes, I was born...
Never match my story, I suspect.
I was born in the back
of a Volkswagen Beetle
on Waterloo Bridge.
- Oh. - Dad went over a speed bump
and out I plopped.
Well, that's his story anyway.
- Oh, well, I-I-I...
- It was downhill from there, really.
Dad was in sausages,
we moved to Germany.
I spent from two until eight
feasting on frankfurters
und bratwurst,
and then sent straight back here
to boarding school.
You board?
- No, no...
- Got used to it, though.
Made a wonderful friend, Isherwood.
Huge feet...
tiny ears.
Are you done?
So there I was, assistant manager.
Only 23.
Still allergic to cats,
unfortunately, but...
"You must be joking, Giles," I said,
and walked straight out,
still in full Wonder Woman
costume...
A whole octopus!
But that's enough about me -
what about you?
- Well, we may have to do me next time.
- Nonsense.
What brought you to England?
The full story.
OK. Ah.
My parents brought me here
when I was ten...
- No, you're right. - Unfortunately...
- It's too late.
Let's do same time next month.
It's all about you.
But don't let me forget to tell you
about the Alsatian
and my corduroy trousers.
Well. That's the way it goes,
I guess.
'Mr Hoppy went to bed that night
feeling terribly alone.
'Knowing in his bones
that he always would be alone.
'No Mrs Silver for him.'
Ow!
'He couldn't help but wonder,
'is this all there is?
'Old age is scary and all downhill.'
But the very next morning,
a conversation occurred
that changed Mr Hoppy's life.
Good morning, Mrs Silver.
Alfie's looking well this morning.
Likes his food.
Yes. Well, we both live in hope.
Oh.
What are you both hoping for?
Well, obviously,
that he'll grow a little faster.
Every month I weigh him
on the kitchen scales,
he never puts on an ounce.
Well, no, I believe tortoises
come in different sizes.
There's nothing wrong with Alfie
being one of the small ones.
Oh, don't be silly.
Just think how miserable it must
make him to feel so titchy.
Mm.
We've been stuck on 13oz
since the day he arrived.
Didn't you want to be taller
when you were growing up?
I guess I did.
Yes.
When...
When I was a kid,
I used to wear thick socks to bed.
- What, to make yourself grow taller?
- Right.
I actually read that
"The warmer your feet,
"the deeper you sleep,
the more you grow."
But sadly, all I got was...
stinky feet.
Oh, no... Well, I was tiny too.
Oh.
And then when I was 11,
a boy in my class told me
that kissing made you grow taller.
- No!
- Yes.
So I paid him sixpence every day
to kiss me.
Well, you have to hand it to him.
And I did hand it to him.
On a plate.
Every morning at break.
Mind you, it did make me FEEL taller.
A kiss does that,
don't you think, Mr Hoppy?
I believe it does.
Oh, no.
Size is very important.
And Alfie's just at the beginning
of his size journey.
'That was the seed
that planted the idea.'
And the next day, it got a proper,
full-scale watering.
Alfie any bigger today, Mrs S?
Not a jot.
But I am knitting him
some little socks, just in case.
But I'm not giving up.
One day, I'll find the right food,
and the right exercise regime,
and the right vitamin supplement,
probably something to do
with fish oil.
Then at last we'll both be happy,
won't we, darling?
So, you don't think you'll ever
be totally happy until he grows?
I'm afraid not, Mr Hoppy.
Come on, pipsqueak,
finish your strawberry.
'And that night, the seed
that had been watered blossomed.
'And in Mr Hoppy's brain flowered
a plan to make Mrs Silver happy.
'And he thought if he could make
her happy then maybe, just maybe,
'he might be worthy
of winning her heart.'
HE MUMBLES
Esio Trot.
Mrs Silver.
Oh, yes?
I think I may just be able
to help with the
Alfie-being-disappointedly-tiny
month-after-month thing.
Oh, Mr Hoppy.
If only you could, I would love
you for the rest of my days.
Oh. That'd be very nice.
The thing is, last night,
I suddenly remembered a conversation
I once had with a friend
at the airline
who'd been a pilot in North Africa
and he told me a conversation that
he once had with a Bedouin tribesman
who told him an extraordinary
tortoise-size-related secret.
- Really?
- Yes.
Oh, tell me! I beg you, Mr Hoppy.
Mrs Silver...
...I am going to lower this...
this piece of paper.
And, by the way, you were right.
Alfie can get bigger. But...
you must read this.
How exciting! What is it?
It's a Bedouin tortoise chant.
Oh, good lord.
"Esio Trot, Esio Trot...
"teg reggib reggib..."
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Hoppy,
I don't understand.
Is this in another language?
Yes and no.
Now, according to the Bedouin...
...tortoises are very
backwards creatures.
So, therefore it's logical that
they would only understand words
that are spoken backwards, you see.
Oh, I see. So "Esio Trot"
is "tortoise" backwards.
- Yes.
- Oh! Oh, yes.
"Esio Trot, Esio Trot..." Yes.
"Emoc no, Esio Trot.
"Worg pu...
".. ffup pu, toohs pu."
There's a lot of "pu's" in it.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Pu is a
very powerful word in any language.
Are you having me on, Mr Hoppy?
Is this serious?
Mrs Silver, I have never been
more serious in my life.
Well... I suppose it could be true.
The world's full of wonders.
I once heard that a cockroach can
live for two weeks without a head.
- Is that right?
- Well, apparently.
And bats always turn left
- when they leave the cave.
- Yes, I heard that.
And dolphins understand French.
- Really?
- So, I suppose this could work.
What this is really saying is
"Tortoise, tortoise,
"get bigger, bigger."
Er...
"Grow up, puff up, shoot up" -
not what they mean these days.
Oh, that's a relief.
"Spring up", "blow up"...
Again, not the violent version.
"Swell up."
Um, er...
"Gorge, guzzle, stuff, gulp.
"Put on fat, tortoise, put on fat.
"Get on! Get on!
"Gobble food."
That's it.
And if my memory serves me correct,
my friend told me that all you have
to do is pick up little Alfie
right up to your face
and say it three times a day,
morning, noon and night.
- And if you do it...
- What time at night?
Before dinner.
- And if you do it properly...
- His dinner or my dinner?
- Does it matter?
- Well, you tell me.
- You're the one with all
the inside Bedouin knowledge. - Yes.
Quite right.
Before your dinner.
And I'm betting
that by the end of the month,
he'll be twice the size he is now.
And that's a conservative estimate,
Mrs Silver.
Well, goodness. I can't believe it.
But if it works, oh, Mr H,
I'll never be able
to thank you enough.
You'll be the marvellous man
who made all my dreams come true.
Well, wouldn't that be wonderful?
"Esio Trot, Esio Trot..."
'Suddenly, for the first time ever,
'the happiness of two human beings
rested entirely
'on the possibility of a small
tortoise becoming a big tortoise.'
Which, of course, was
a very serious issue indeed
because what Mr Hoppy had devised
here was no simple thing.
It was,
and I won't mince my words here,
the greatest and most complicated
plan in the long and noble history
of tortoise-based tale-telling.
I have 16 tortoises for sale.
From small to large to enormous.
Each one comes
with its own certificate,
and you should know I do not sell
any animal without first
assuring myself that it's going
to a good, caring home.
- How many do you want?
- I'll take all 16.
I'll bag 'em up.
I don't really need
the enormous ones...
I'll chuck 'em in for free anyway.
All the big money is in
guinea pigs these days.
- I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- That's all right.
- I don't actually have any tortoises.
- OK.
But I've got a lovely iguana
out back. You want to see it?
It's tempting, but no.
Or I've got a weasel going
very cheap-cheap cheap-cheap.
I just need tortoises.
I've got a snake -
I could chop it in half
- and put a seashell on its back.
- It's lovely meeting you.
Or I could shave a hedgehog.
No-one would ever know.
I've done it before.
That's probably enough.
Oh, no! Go back.
Go back. Go back.
I really must fix that.
'"Esio Trot, Esio Trot,'
"teg reggib, reggib.
"Worg pu, ffup pu, toohs pu,
"gnirps pu, wolb pu..."
Well, thank goodness I'm not asking
you to sip up anything.
All right, darling,
I'm just popping out to get you
some delicious cabbage.
I'll be back in half an hour.
Action time.
OK.
No - too heavy.
Too light.
Just perfect.
2oz more than Alfie.
You, sir, are the chosen one.
No! Or you're going back
to the pet shop.
Stay there.
OK, team...
...this is it.
You can do this.
You can't do this.
I can't do this.
Hang in there, Alfie 2.
Ah!
Good afternoon.
Sorry to bother you.
My name is Mr Hoppy and I...
I live a couple of floors up.
Mummy says I mustn't talk
to strangers.
No. Quite right. Well done, Mum.
Are you about to offer me sweets
and then kidnap me?
No, I'm not.
That's a relief.
But, as I said, I do...
actually live in this building.
I've never seen you.
Well...
...I sort of keep myself to myself.
Weirdos always do.
Well, be that as it may,
do you think you could be a good boy
and get your mummy to help me
onto your balcony?
Why would I do that?
That would be a crazy thing to do.
Mummy, Mummy, come and look.
No, Philip.
I will not come and look.
- A nasty dwarf is NOT trying
to climb onto our balcony.
- But, Mummy!
- No more scary movies for you, young man.
- Mummy!
- Philip, darling, I'm doing dinner.
So Mr Hoppy decided
to abandon Plan A - the ladder.
But, happily, he knew the
fundamental rule of life was that
if Plan A fails,
Plan B will usually succeed.
And if Plan B doesn't add up,
then Plan C always works every time.
The only tiny problem was
he didn't have a Plan B...
...or a Plan C.
'So, where did this leave Mr Hoppy?
'Was he out for the count?
Done for? Doomed?
'Was he going to give up?
Admit defeat?'
Wait a minute.
Of course he wasn't!
This is Mr Hoppy
we're talking about.
The Hopster!
The Hippity Hop Meister!
He had a plan - Plan D.
Let's go.
- Oh!
- Oh! Hello, Mr Hoppy.
Hello.
Good lord. What have you got there?
Oh, er...
It looks like a huge fishing rod
for catching jellyfish or something.
Yes, it is a huge fishing rod
for catching jellyfish.
What on Earth do you want that for?
Well, that's a very good question.
But, er...
the answer's pretty simple.
All my life
I wanted to catch a jellyfish.
I got bitten by one...
and I wanted to seek my revenge,
so I thought the time had come
to get a huge fishing rod
and do just that -
catch a... huge jellyfish.
Well! What a thing!
Yes.
Well...
So, you're...
You're looking...
very nice, Mrs Silver.
Where are you off to?
A dance marathon,
at the community centre.
For charity. You know?
Chi-Chi-Chi!
We're hoping for a lot of sponsors.
Well... it's for charity.
Oh...
Oh, maybe I could be a sponsor too.
- Well, that would be wonderful!
- Yes, why not?
Put me, erm... down for a pound.
A pound? Oh!
Right, lovely.
Er... No, that's... very kind.
By which I mean...
a pound a minute, of course.
- A pound a minute?!
- Yes.
- That's incredible!
- Is it?
- Oh, yes. Most people sponsor by the hour.
- They do?
Well, yes, because it's a marathon.
I mean, a pound a minute?!
That's marvellous!
- A marathon.
- Oh, it's really inspired me.
- Oh.
- Ooh! A pound a minute? - Yes.
- Well... Well, come and watch.
You'll have a marvellous time. - Yes.
- Do you want to stop now, Mrs Silver?
- How long have I done?
Erm... Four hours and fifty minutes.
- How many minutes is that in total?
- Erm... - 290. - 290 minutes.
Oh, yes. I think
it's time for me last waltz.
Oh!
Would anyone care to partner me?
Someone...
Anyone...
Someone?
Come on...
Thanks.
Mr Pringle!
Oh!
Well, before we start, I'd like
to thank the man who sponsored me
a pound a minute...
For every minute of my marathon.
He used to be quite well off.
Now he's the poorest man I know.
Mr Hoppy.
Bravo!
- Thank you so much. - Oh, not at all.
Don't mention it.
- The charity must mean a lot to you.
- Er... Oh, yes. Absolutely.
Very close to my heart.
Oh, really?
My grandfather was in a wheelchair.
Thank you so much. Training guide
dogs is such an important cause.
He'd had a terrible fall.
Being blind.
I'll just go get the money.
The price of love.
Chi-Chi-Chi
Di-di, di-di-di...
OK, Alfie.
You're about to go for the ride
of your life.
Well, well. We meet at last.
Both in love with the same girl.
Yes, we are.
You want to know something,
young man?
If I could have been anyone
in the history of the world,
I wouldn't have been Julius Caesar
or Leonardo Da Vinci,
not even the great
Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong. No.
You know what I would have been?
I would have been you.
Cos you're a lucky guy.
OK, this is it.
I hope you're not shy, Alfie.
If you are, this is going to be
a traumatic point. See?
It's just like the first day
of school.
Over there's the tough gang.
Probably smoking.
And right over there,
the jocks going for gold.
Never opened a book in their lives.
And here's the ones whose parents
should really be worried.
Don't look.
Good luck, Alfie.
Life part two starts here.
Here you go.
Here you go.
Make some friends.
As for you, Alfie 2,
give my love to the most delightful,
exotic woman in the world.
Hm-hm.
'Hello, my darling!
Where's my lovely boy? Have
you missed me?'
Oh...
Oh, my goodness!
That's very strange!
- Everything all right, Mrs Silver?
- No...
Something very odd has happened.
- Very odd?
- Yes.
This isn't my Alfie.
Not your Alfie?
Not at all.
- Are you sure?
- Well, of course I'm sure!
Oh, OK. OK...
Oh, God! Er...
Mrs Silver, I... I...
I have a huge conf...
Usually his morning feed lasts him
all day, but I've come back and...
And it's all gone.
He's eaten the lot.
Well, that's not like
my Alfie at all!
Oh...
- Oh, my gorgeous goodness!
- Hm.
- It's working!
- Mm.
- Your spell's doubled his appetite!
- Mm-hm.
Mr Hoppy! Oh! This is very,
very exciting!
Isn't it ever!
Oh!
Alfie!
She didn't notice a thing.
I'm quite a happy Hoppy!
I'm..quite... a... happy... Hoppy!
Yes, I am!
Happy Hoppy! Yes, yes, yes!
Alfie! We did it!
Spot of tea? Come on!
Mr Hoppy's secret plan
was a cunning one. See,
If a creature grows slowly enough,
you'll never notice it grows at all.
Be a very different story
if it happened all at once.
Let's say you had a small puppy.
You drop it off at school
in the morning
and pat its little head goodbye.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Then you come back
in the afternoon...
- Argh! Mummy!
- Down boy! Sit!
Not nice. But do it gradually
and you get away with growing.
- Dad, you're late!
- I'm sorry,
Roberta. I caught the wrong bus.
I was telling them about Mr Hoppy.
I got carried away.
Where have you got to?
Have you got to the death scene yet?
Sorry!
So, Mr Hoppy had completed
his first tortoise swap.
Now all he had to do was keep
swapping every couple of days
until Alfie doubled in size,
whilst living with 100 tortoises.
Hello, Dolly
This is Louis, Dolly
It's so nice to have you
back where you belong
You're lookin' swell, Dolly
I can tell, Dolly
You're still glowin'
You're still crowin'
You're still goin' strong
I feel the room swayin'
While the band's playin'
One of our old favourite
songs from way back when
So
Take her wrap, fellas
Find her an empty lap, fellas
Dolly, you'll never
go away again...
I should have done this weeks ago.
Bernard, Harvey, Bob...
Hello there, Prince Philip.
Spartacus...
No, you're Spartacus.
No...
Ah! You're Spartacus.
You are my Satchmo.
Tup no taf, Esio Trot. Tup no taf.
Hello, Dolly. How'd you get in here?
It's all guys.
If I were you,
I'd keep your head in your shell.
Elbbog doof.
Toohs pu, gnirps pu, wolb pu...
Voldemort! Is that you?
What are you doing in there?
I feel the room swayin'...
Freddie! What are you doing
on your back again?
Come here.
Come on. Stay away from the poop.
Be a good boy.
Golly gee, fellas
Have a little faith in me, fellas
Dolly, never go away...
OK, OK. Good luck, Alfie 9.
Dolly'll never go away again.
Hello, my darling.
I don't know who holds
the land speed record,
but my bus driver's certainly
just broken it.
The death scene.
- I so thought he was dead!
- I know. - The first time I heard it.
I know.
Alfie!
Alfie?
Alfie?
Alfie?
Mummy, Mummy!
A tortoise just fell out of the sky!
Yah! I hear so many things!
So many things...
Alfie?
Oh! Mr Hoppy...
Mr Hoppy?
Yes.
- I'm here. - I don't know what's
happened, but... Alfie's gone.
Gone?
I think he's jumped.
Oh, my darling!
Oh, he's always had
very powerful legs!
I think he's just bounced
himself over the edge!
- Oh!
- Oh! I can't bear to look!
Don't! Please, don't!
Maybe he's gone back into the flat.
I don't... Well...
- Yeah, I'll check that first.
- OK. - Alfie!
OK, OK, OK...
Put Alfie 8 back on the balcony
and then go get Alfie 9.
What's left of him.
I know. I know...
Oh!
Better luck for you, Alfie 8.
There you go.
Oh!
Oh, Alfie!
I've looked everywhere!
I... Oh!
Alfie!
There you are!
Oh, my holy aunt! You frightened
the living daylights out of me.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, dab, dab Esio Trot.
Oh!
Oh, it's all right, Mr Hoppy.
I've found him.
All's well.
Thank the living Lord!
Evening, Hoppy.
Oh, good evening, Mr Pringle.
And... what a...
- ...relaxing evening it is.
- Yes, indeed.
- Are you cooking anything special?
- No, I don't think so.
Just something out of the fridge...
Frozen chicken pie...
Sounds good to me. Love a pie.
Love chicken.
LOVE chicken pie!
- Oh.
- You haven't forgotten?
- Forgotten?
- Did I hear someone mention chicken pie?
You certainly did, Mrs Silver.
We're having chicken pie,
round at Hoppy's tonight.
Join us.
- Oh! Oh, no. I couldn't possibly.
- Course you can!
- You don't mind, do you, Hoppy?
- Mind, wha... - Excellent!
My motto - two's company,
three's a party!
- Are you sure, Mr Hoppy? - No...
Yes. Oh, no problem.
It'll be wonderful to have
you come around, Mrs Silver.
Oh! Oh!
Oh!
Oh, no.
No! Guys! Guys, I need your help!
Nngg!
Oh.
- You look gorgeous, Mrs Silver.
- Oh, thank you, Mr Pringle.
- Lawrence, please.
- Lavinia.
Come on, Hoppy!
Oh, look...
Come in!
Come on in.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Oh! What a lovely big room!
- Oh, I love that look you've gone for.
- Mm.
- What's it called?
- Erm... - Prison cell.
- No, minimalist. Yes, that's it. Oh!
It's very stylish! - Thank you.
Can I get you a drink? Er...
I have wine and...
- Well, wine.
- A glass of white wine would be perfect.
- Er... I... - Although, red's my real
favourite. I love lovely red.
So glamorous.
Thank you.
I'm a little short on glasses today.
- Mrs Silver...
- Thank you.
And Mr Pringle. I'll have...
...this.
Well... Serve yourselves.
Er...
I have to just get back
to the, er...
- Get back to...
- Chin-chin!
...cooking. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
You're doing great, guys.
Just try to keep the noise down.
Easy.
Ah!
Dolly, it's hot.
Potatoes. Got to put them
up to high.
Spartacus, sorry,
but I really need the fridge now.
- Can I give you a hand in there?
- No...
- We're feeling very guilty out here.
- No, no.
No, thank you.
I... I'm a very private cook.
My recipe's a secret, Mrs Silver.
Oh, and Mr Pringle's very keen
to know what vegetable we're having.
Apparently, he enjoyed your carrots
enormously last time.
- Yes, tell him it's peas.
I hope that's all right. - Oh, peas!
- My favourite! - Peas are about the only
vegetable that I... I... really like.
Apart from cabbages, of course.
Can't get enough of cabbage.
Hope you don't mind, but I've been
tucking in to your nibbles.
- Nibbles?
- Mm. Balti mix, is it?
Mm!
Peppery.
Would you like some, Lavinia?
Oh...
- No, thank you.
Not one of my favourites. - Oh.
I've got to get the food.
Sorry, Paul.
- A little more?
- Oh, thank you. - Here we go!
Fresh out of the oven. One pie
for you...
Oh! That looks yummy!
Oh, forgot the garnish.
How did that happen?
Oh, how magnificent!
A pie to die for!
Right, Lavinia.
I want to hear all about you.
Every single little thing.
Where were you born?
- I...
- I was actually born on the Thames myself.
In the back of a Volkswagen Beetle.
Dad went over a speed bump
and out I popped.
So I said, "That's certainly
an original use for an octopus!"
Good Lord.
But enough about me.
I want to know all about you two.
Go on. Favourite films.
Ladies first.
- Oh, The Railway Children.
Every time. - Oh, yes!
That moment at the end when
Jenny Agutter goes to the station...
- And the train comes in...
- The smoke clears... - And there he is!
"Daddy, my daddy!"
- Oh!
- I never really bothered with that one.
Always try to avoid films with
the word "children" in the title.
And "Chihuahua".
My favourite's The Sound Of Music.
- Really?
- No! Course not!
Top Gun! That's the ticket!
Go, Cruise!
"Son, your ego is writing cheques
your body can't cash!"
- Genius! - Oh, you certainly are
a character, Lawrence!
Can I help clear?
- Oh, thank you. That's very kind.
- Waste not.
Oh! No! Er...
Where are my manners? Er...
- Here, let me.
- Oh! Well...
If I can't see your kitchen,
can I take a look at
your beautiful balcony?
Certainly.
- It'd be my honour.
- Oh.
Oh... goodness!
Who needs to travel the world when
you've got sights like this at home?
It's one of the two great passions
of my life.
Well, I can certainly see that.
- Look, an avocado plant. - Oh, yes.
I grow them myself. From the pips.
That's terribly clever.
- Thank you.
- Oh!
Oh, a miniature rose!
Oh! My absolutest favourite!
Well, do tell me,
what is the other passion?
Well, er...
Well, Mrs Silver...
- It's something I've never spoken to
anyone about. - Well, how exciting!
On my... On my mind...
Er... Every moment
of every day, but...
But never once on my lips.
Oh. What could it be?
- It's...
- Time for tea, I think.
Shall I bung the kettle on
in the kitchen?
No, no. I'd better do it myself.
Splendid.
Lavinia...
What a gorgeous name that is.
What a splendid evening!
Lavinia's a good sort, isn't she?
- Mm. - I'm surprised you haven't
made a move on her.
Well, it's funny you should say that
because just between us...
Hope it's OK, I pounced
while you were out making tea.
Glad to say
she leapt at the opportunity.
- Dinner next Tuesday.
- Oh.
- That's fast.
- Yeah.
I suppose the truth is
we're all a little bit lonely
and anything which takes the edge
off, it's got to be a good thing.
- Hm.
- Sure that's all right with you?
- You seemed to be getting on awfully
well during the dinner. - Mm.
- I often hear you chatting away on
the balcony. - No... Yes, that's fine.
She's got... to be allowed to go out
to dinner with whoever
she wants to go out to dinner with.
Next Tuesday.
Splendid, then!
Who knows? Sparks may fly
when Flat 32 meets Flat 43!
Wish me luck.
Is that wedding bells I hear?
Or just a squeak of bedsprings!
Perfectly happy either way,
eh, Hoppy?
Yes.
Good night, Lawrence.
'Mr Hoppy felt dead inside.'
Think of the saddest you've ever
felt and then double it.
That was the world of Mr Hoppy's
heart that night.
Poor Mr Hoppy.
Losing the love of your life is a
terrible feeling. It's an emptiness.
Like the death of a friend.
Or a parent.
Or a gerbil.
Or, yes, indeed... a gerbil.
Here's the thing...
You see, little Alfie?
However many years we live -
and you're a tortoise
so you're in for a lot of them -
there's probably only ten moments
that really matter.
Ten key moments that seal your fate.
Where we get the chance
to change our lives.
Get the job we always dreamed of.
Get the perfect girl.
Well...
...I've had my share
of those moments.
And I've blown every
single one of them.
Because the truth is, Alfie...
...your Mr Henry Hoppy just doesn't
deserve Mrs Lavinia Silver.
And so, the next morning, Mr Hoppy
began returning the tortoises.
The game was up. The dream was over.
First to go was the most
important tortoise of all,
the one he picked out at the start,
the trophy tortoise.
Exactly double little
Alfie's weight.
- I brought you one of my tortoises
to sell. - He's a lovely big one!
Yes, he is. 26 ounces, to be exact.
- Can I tempt you with something else
to fill the hole in your life? - No.
- Now you say goodbye to the big fella.
- No, it's a pretty big hole.
I've got an elephant out back.
Not exactly an elephant. More
a very big dog. Same shape ears.
'One down, 99 to go.
'That evening, Mr Hoppy sat on his
balcony, certain of one thing.
'That he and Mrs Silver
would never be together.'
Now, it's time to say good night
Good night
Sleep tight
Now, the sun turns out his light
Good night
Sleep tight
Dream sweet dreams
For me
Dream sweet dreams
For you
Close your eyes
And I'll close mine
Good night
Sleep tight.
Sit tight, guys.
I want you to know something.
I'm going to fight on till the final
whistle and even if I lose,
even if she marries
Mr Potato Head Pringle...
...I will always, always
want her to be happy.
Sorry.
It turns out
I couldn't live without him.
I'm not surprised.
He's a laugh a minute, this one.
The times we had... Classic!
Thank you.
'Where's my boy?
'Where's my Alfie?'
Alfie, Alfie!
Alfie...
Oh, my goodness!
Mr Hoppy?
What, Mrs Silver?
Something very extraordinary
has happened.
What?
Something very, very extraordinary!
And quite marvellous!
Alfie can't get through his door!
He must have got bigger!
She's not very perceptive, is she?
I mean, he's double the size!
No, she's not the sharpest
arrow in the quiver.
- She's not the cleverest
fox in the forest. - No.
- She's not the smartest cookie in the jar.
- No,
but she's full of the joys of life,
and that's what matters.
- Of course it is. - Hey, you! - Ah!
- Ha-ha!
Well, Mrs Silver,
perhaps you should weigh him.
I believe it's been a month
since you started
the Esio Trot experiment.
So it is!
Yes, it's exactly a month!
Oh! How exciting!
Oh, Mr Hoppy!
Guess how much he weighs!
- 26 ounces.
- 27 ounces!
You should check your scale.
Ooh!
Alfie!
You great big beautiful boy!
Look what clever
Mr Hoppy's done for you!
Oh, you did it, Mr Hoppy!
You're my miracle man.
How can I possibly thank you?
Well, Mrs Silver,
do you think I could perhaps
pop down to your balcony
and just see for myself how much
Alfie has grown?
Well, of course you can.
Oh, come down at once!
Oh, my dear man!
Dear man.
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Thank you, Wallace.
Thank you, Usain.
And thank you, most of all...
...little original Alfie.
Key moment.
Where are you?
There you are.
Oh, don't blow this.
Hurray! Come in at once.
- I've just made you
a delicious cup of tea. - Oh.
- Er...
- Oh! Oh, clever you!
- Thank you.
- Oh, my!
Oh, my goodness!
- I'd quite forgotten it was Christmas.
- Oh, it isn't.
I just like to get my tree up
on the first day of August.
What's the point in getting old
if you can't break the rules?
- It's my little piece of paradise
in the sky. - Perfect.
Oh, and this is Alfie.
Ha-ha!
- Have you ever held a tortoise before?
- Once or twice.
I just don't want to drop him.
Oh!
- Can I ask you a question?
- Of course.
Would it be all right
if I came up later
and had another look at your balcony?
I think it's one
of the Seven Wonders of the World.
Who needs the Hanging Gardens
of Babylon
when you've got Mr Hoppy's beautiful
balcony in Bethnal Green?
Oh, I'd be delighted. Can I ask you
a question too, Mrs Silver?
- Yes, of course.
- Will you marry me?
That was very out of the blue.
Yes. It... It... It was.
It's just that I've been meaning
to ask you for some time,
since the first time I saw you,
in fact,
when it was perfectly clear to me
that you are the most... wonderful
and beautiful person
in the Western hemisphere.
Probably the Eastern hemisphere too.
I only exclude it because
I haven't actually been there.
Well...
Well...
Er...
Oh!
- Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh.
- I'd better get that. I won't be a tick.
Ah, Mrs Silver.
I was just wondering,
might this little chap
belong to you, my dear lady?
Oh, no! Oh, no! My Alfie's much
larger than that these days.
He was just coming out of Mr Hoppy's
flat and I thought,
but it's Mrs Silver that has
the tortoise, isn't it?
Yes, quite. Well... Yes...
Oh, no...
He does look very like Alfie
when he was little,
but he can't be darling Alfie.
Cos darling Alfie has
doubled his size in the last month.
Hasn't he, Mr Hoppy?
- Doubled in size?
- Yes. - In a month? - Yes.
- A tortoise?
- Yes.
Mr Hoppy gave me this little poem
of North African origin and said
if I recited it to Alfie three times
a day, he would grow much...
much larger...
A little poem of North African
extraction?
Yes. Bedouin, I believe.
Three times a day?
Yes, before meals.
Well, I'm not a biologist.
I'm not Charles Darwin!
I'm not David bloody Attenborough,
but I suspect Mr Hoppy here
has been playing a little joke
on you, my dear Mrs Silver.
Mr...
- Mr Hoppy? - Hoppy!
You're a dark horse, aren't you?
Should have kept
a sharper eye on you.
Yes...
- Well, I think he might be mine after all.
- Oh.
Thank you very much.
- Now, if you'd excuse me for a moment...
- Yes, of course.
Don't forget our date on Tuesday.
We'll have lots to talk about.
Snakes in the grass, etc...
- I can't wait!
- Well, we can discuss that later.
Hoppy...
Good to see you.
Who'd have thought it, eh?
Who'd have damn well thought it?
- So...
- Yes.
- You've been swapping tortoises.
- Yes, I have. A number of little swaps.
- And that's not Alfie.
- No, it isn't.
Who is it?
Oh, his name is Tyson.
He's quite nice.
And all that... Esio Trot stuff
is just nonsense.
I'm afraid so.
I feel such a fool.
I never was the brightest bulb
in the chandelier.
- Maybe not, but you have many other
wonderful qualities... - Ssh!
Not at all the time for that.
OK, I guess I should go now.
Yes, if you would.
Thank you.
In my solitude
You haunt me
With revelries
Of days gone by
In my solitude
You taunt me
With memories
That never die
Yes, I sit in my chair
I fill with despair
As no-one could be so sad...
You're looking absolutely ravishing
this evening, Lavinia.
Oh, thank you.
I thought we might just
eat in at my place.
Oh.
And then I thought...
why not go to the most expensive
restaurant in London?
Oh!
How lovely!
I'm praying
Dear Lord above
Oh, yes
Send back my love...
Hello, Dolly. Darth.
You guys should be
in the pet shop with the others.
Where have you guys been hiding?
Huh?
So, that IS the way it goes.
No, you don't just stop loving
someone because they don't love you.
In my solitude
I'm praying
Dear Lord above
Oh, yes
Send back my love.
Is that really the end of the story,
Daddy?
Yes, buddy. I'm sorry to say it is.
Mr Hoppy doesn't get the girl.
I'm afraid he'll probably spend
the rest of his life alone.
Which won't be very long,
seeing how old he is.
Which could be for absolutely ages,
Roberta,
seeing how long
people live these days!
Not the ending you were expecting,
I realise that.
But it's still a story worth telling
because he gave it a go.
And that's what matters.
Love in your heart wasn't
put there to stay.
Love isn't love
till you give it away.
- I give him a year. Tops.
- Shush!
You saw how he was yesterday,
when he came down to our flat
in the afternoon.
Hello. I have a present
for you and your brother.
Come in.
Come on in.
No, that's all right.
Philip!
Oh, it's OK, Philip.
I have a present for you.
See? This one's name is Darth
and that one's name is Dolly.
'He gave us Dolly and little Darth
and he was really sad.
'And then you asked him in
for a drink
'and he told you and Mum
the whole story.
'And now he's leaving.'
- Can't you stop him?
- No.
He's made up his mind
the deed is done.
Not all stories have happy endings.
They're early.
Hi...
Mr Hoppy?
- Are you leaving?
- Yes, that's right.
I felt it best after
the unfortunate incident.
I didn't know.
I'm glad I came up, then.
Oh...
One of your plants must have blown
over the balcony.
- I thought I should return it.
- Oh, yes.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Er... I... Er...
May I... just say that...
I hope you and Mr Pringle
will be very happy.
Oh, well... that's very kind of you,
Mr Hoppy.
But I'm afraid I could never
be happy with Mr Pringle.
I know he's a real pal of yours,
but he is without doubt
the world's most spectacular
arse-paralysing bore.
And his table manners are atrocious.
I only had two prawns
in my very overpriced,
under-prawned prawn cocktail.
He took both of them.
I'm not saying it was the worst
experience of my life,
but I was once mugged in Maida Vale
underground station
by a Russian chap with a big knife
and our date was definitely
worse than that.
My goodness!
I just have a couple of other things
I want to say.
Parish notices, as it were.
Sure.
Er...
First, I think it's only fair to tell
you... Well, before you leave...
that, um...
ever since I first squeezed up to you
in the lift on my first day,
I've actually had
the most frightful crush on you.
- I beg your pardon?
- You heard me, Hoppy.
Did you never think
it was slightly odd
that we ended up in the lift together
quite so often?
Ooh!
Spring at last!
- Oh! Hello, Mr Hoppy!
- Oh...
Oh.
But then you went and tricked me.
I know, and I'm...
Mrs Silver, I'm more sorry
than you can possibly imagine.
- It ruined everything.
- I know.
But then...
there is an argument that a man
who would go to such terrible trouble
to make a woman's dreams come true...
Well... that man might be
very exceptional indeed.
So, the final thing I have to say,
I think it's the last...
...is that, in short,
the answer to your earlier question,
yes.
I will marry you.
If you still want me.
Thank you very much for asking.
Oh, Mrs Silver!
Thank you.
Well...
I think we can do better than that,
don't you?
How do you feel?
Taller.
Just kiss me once and kiss me twice
Then kiss me once again
It's been a long, long time
Haven't felt like this, my dear
Since can't remember when
It's been a long, long time
You'll never know how many dreams
I've dreamed about you
Or just how empty
they all seemed without you
So kiss me once, then kiss me twice
Then kiss me once again
It's been a long, long time...
Oh!
My rods! Are they OK?
My rods!
Yes, kiss me once, kiss me twice
Kiss me once again
It's been a long, long, long time
Haven't felt like this, my dear
Since can't remember when
It's been a long, long time
You'll never know how many dreams
I dream about you
Or just how empty
they all seemed without you
So, kiss me once
then kiss me twice
And kiss me once again
It's been a long, ba-ba-ba-boo time
Oh, yeah!