1
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(BELLS CHIMING)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
(PANTING CONTINUES)
MAN: Freshman?
(WHISTLES)
(GURGLING)
(WHISTLING)
NARRATOR:
College has changed.
You see, universities used to
be a place of higher learning.
Till the administration
became corrupt.
Tuitions skyrocketed.
Meal plans were abolished.
And student housing collapsed.
With overwhelming debt
and the fear of loans,
the students of Rock Steady
University turned on one another.
Fraternities rose in power, while the
sororities were forced into hiding.
Two houses competed
for control of Rock Steady...
Kappa Brutis Omega
and The High Society.
Both houses took control of the most
valuable commodity on the college campus,
the bicycle market.
Students will endure all of
this just to earn a degree.
Because at Rock Steady
University,
only the strong graduate,
let alone survive.
(WHIRRING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(CROW CAWING)
DEAN: Hi, kids, and welcome
to Rock Steady University!
Big news for tomorrow!
Kappa Brutis Omega is hosting
their biannual bike fair.
So, if you don't want to make
the trek all across campus,
make sure
you don't miss this fair.
Don't miss the bike fair.
And, as every year,
a percentage of the proceeds
will be donated
to this institution
to ensure
a high quality education,
full campus safety, and a
great life for all of you.
And, remember, if you think
education is expensive,
try ignorance.
Hey, I haven't seen you
around here, have I?
You with The Society?
- Okay...
- (PLAYING HARMONICA)
Not a talker. I get it.
(STOPS PLAYING HARMONICA)
Wow!
That's a nice bike!
Holy cannoli!
Wow!
Really nice.
Mmm-hmm. Thanks.
Hate to do this to you,
but, um...
See, my... My brother
owned a bike just like that.
God rest his soul.
Do you mind
if I take it for a spin?
Come on, buddy boy.
Just for a little bit.
- Uh... Nah...
- Hey, look at that!
Mavic Ksyrium wheel sets,
huh?
That's nice!
Hey, just be careful on it,
all right?
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Of course.
Hand painted. Nice job.
It's obviously not one of those
off-the-shelf, dusted rat bikes. Is it?
PALMER: Honey? Honey? This is a Suntour.
That's a Suntour.
No. It's SRAM Force 22.
- PALMER: That... What is that, carbon fiber?
- It's 11 speeds.
Eleven speeds.
I'm trying to compliment
the man on his bike, honey.
Wait until I finish.
PALMER: This thing is faster
- than a fresh-fucked fox in a forest fire.
- So, where you from?
- PALMER: Fiber glass form, you know?
- Out of town. Hey, easy...
- Easy on the brakes.
- By the way, easy chance points.
Oh, it's okay.
He's just having fun.
PALMER: Oh, my God! It has a bell.
It has a bell!
- You like to have fun, right?
- (BIKE BELL RINGING)
PALMER: It has a bell!
- PALMER: It's a beautiful bike!
- Hey...
PALMER: Fuck you!
You like to have fun, right?
Sure.
What kind of music
do you listen to?
MAN 1: What?
Oh, come on!
Somebody stole my bike!
Hey, I need my bike...
MAN 1: Oh, fuck!
Back.
Shit!
(SCREECHING SOUND)
KAPPA BRUTIS OMEGA MEMBER:
(LAUGHING)
This guy came over
all funny. Skinny as hell.
What a bitch.
So, I go up and just snatch
them right out of his hand,
and say, "Uh-uh."
Any of you seen a guy this
tall, shades and mop for hair?
Hey, members only.
Well, one of your members
stole my bike.
If your bike got stolen, get
another one at the fair, bro.
Take it up
with administration, bro.
Maybe they'll find
your bike, bro.
This is Kappa Brutis, bro.
We don't steal bikes, bro.
So, I don't know
what to tell you... Bro.
Yeah, bro.
Hey! I said,
"members only."
(GRUNTS)
- Ooh!
- (LAUGHING)
Hey, do me a favor?
What's that?
(REWINDS AND STOPS)
Don't touch my jacket.
- (LAUGHING)
- You believe this?
(GRUNTS)
What's up now, bro?
(BOTH GRUNT)
Wait!
(PLANE PASSES OVERHEAD)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(BELL CHIMING)
(STEAM HISSING)
Sir, I didn't mean
to cause you any trouble.
I'm just trying
to get my bike back.
(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHUCKLES)
Imagine Senior Joe from County
Clark High School coming here
to visit our campus
with his folks.
But the first thing they see
is you out in the open,
fighting like a rabid dog.
And what do they do?
They take their kid
and his $50,000 tuition,
and they go
to another school.
It becomes a $200,000
problem for me.
- Do you know how that happens?
- Yes, sir, I...
That was rhetorical.
Students spend four years
at an institution
at $50,000 a year...
That becomes
a $200,000 problem.
I don't want that.
Now, do you see why it
becomes a problem for me?
Yes, sir, I under...
Don't turn your $150 bicycle
into my $200,000 problem.
Sir, I know who took it.
It was one of the Kappas.
- He was...
- Kappas stole your bike?
- Sir?
- (LAUGHS)
You know why I'm laughing?
Because if I don't, I'll cry.
Have you declared a major?
No? No?
Have you joined a house?
(MOCKINGLY) No? Oh, so that
means you've done nothing,
and you are nothing.
(SNAPS FINGERS) Alfred.
Every semester, Kappa Brutis
Omega has a bicycle fair,
and, graciously,
they never forget
to send a good percentage
of that to me.
It works out well
for everyone.
Here you go.
Don't forget to get the
windows on the top floor, now.
(LAUGHS)
Sir, I don't want a new bike.
I want my bike.
Boy, you just keep pushing,
don't you?
Fill out this report,
so I can get working
on finding your bike.
Wherever it is.
Do yourself a favor
and get out.
Sir, do you have
a bathroom I can use?
You are a bathroom.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Is it just me or do I
hate them more every year?
KAPPA MEMBER KUJO: Look,
man, you want another bike,
you're going to have to wait for
the fair like everybody else.
STARVING STEVEN: Look, I just need one.
Come on.
You know I'm good for it.
(LAUGHS)
KAPPA MEMBER KUJO: (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
I don't know you're good for it.
- Get the fuck out of here.
- STARVING STEVEN: Look, I'll pay double.
KAPPA MEMBER:
The fair.
Triple?
All right, fine.
Oh, sweet Jesus!
All I got...
All I got is my ramen money.
(LAUGHTER)
Okay, well, then you starve
or you walk to class.
I ain't walking across campus.
That's worse than starving.
- STARVING STEVEN: Oh, wait...
- All right, give him his bike.
KAPPA MEMBER:
You're scrawny as hell.
Are you going to be even able
to ride this thing? (LAUGHS)
When's the last time
you ate?
(STARVING STEVEN LAUGHS)
First day on campus, and
you're already making enemies.
Looks like
you could use a friend.
The way you handled
those brutes was astonishing.
Bravo.
And let me guess... Did the
Dean give you those papers?
You know a lot about me
for someone I've never met.
It's a university.
A place of learning.
Excuse my manners...
Augustus Washington III.
I saw your picture
in the Dean's office.
Your fro's bigger in person.
Thank you.
Oh, God, thank you guys!
Oh, man.
I thought I was going to have
to go all semester without one.
You see, we could work
together with a common goal
to create a meaningful
experience and grow together
as men of The Society.
Where we board together,
look after one another,
including retrieving
stolen bicycles.
Dean's looking into it, so...
Thanks, but no thanks.
AUGUSTUS WASHINGTON III:
The Dean?
Good luck with that.
All right, well,
if you're so...
This is, like, the exact
same as my stolen bike!
KAPPA MEMBER:
Scram, geek!
KAPPA MEMBER KUJO:
Get out of my sight!
You're making
the street ugly.
KAPPA MEMBER: Come back
here, you little moron!
(SCREAMING)
STARVING HEMSLEY:
An underground bike ring?
Are you kidding me?
What is this?
Why don't you get someone
else to read this slop?
This is serious.
It affects all of us.
You guys are living
in the darkness,
and this... This is the
light that will set you free.
Come on, give us
what you owe us!
Yeah!
Ugh! You all wouldn't know a good
story if it bit you in the ass.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
That's very hipster of you.
Wrong room, pal.
- This 306?
- Yeah.
I think we're roommates.
(DINGS)
(GROANS)
FRESHMAN: Co-ed?
Well, the Dean cut funds,
so now everything's co-ed.
What was going on out there?
You a freshman or something?
Yeah.
(SIGHS)
The name's Piper.
Editor-in-Chief, publisher, photographer,
and president of The Journal.
So, what's this underground
bike ring you're talking about?
You read it?
A bike ring
is a little far-fetched.
(SCOFFS)
My bike got stolen today,
so... The Deans's
looking into it.
I got to fill this thing
out for him.
(LAUGHS)
What's so funny?
Hey, 303?
- What year are you?
- MAN: Junior!
- When did you get your bike stolen?
- Freshman year!
- How's the Deans's investigation?
- MAN: Ongoing!
- 304? What year are you?
- WOMAN: Senior!
When did you get
your bike stolen?
WOMAN: Freshman year!
How's the Dean's
investigation?
WOMAN: (STAMMERS) Ongoing!
- 301? What year are you?
- MAN 2: Sophomore.
- When did you get your bike stolen?
- Which one?
The first one!
MAN 2: Freshman year.
PIPER: How's the Deans's
investigation?
- MAN 2: For which one?
- The first one!
MAN 2: Ongoing!
- PIPER: And the other one?
- Ongoing!
STUDENTS: Ongoing!
(WOMAN SWEARING)
(PIPER LAUGHS)
You're nothing but a
tuition check to the Dean.
That's it.
He ups tuitions, cuts funds, and
watches all the houses go under.
Student loans and all.
The sororities
were the first to go.
Now, Kappa Brutis Omega and The
High Society are the only ones left.
Oh, and, uh, speaking
from experience,
you fill those out, and he'll
shuffle them straight to the back.
(DISTORTED LAUGHING)
What did I say?
(CHUCKLES)
Buddy boy...
How's, uh, foot patrol?
You've got 10 seconds
to give me back my bike
before I break
your stupid, fucking glasses.
(DOOR OPENS)
(LAUGHS)
Well...
That's no way
to talk to me.
Look, I know.
You're still sore.
But I'm, I'm, I'm sure if
you go check lost and found,
they'll find your bike
somewhere.
But, if you're, uh,
looking to dance,
I'm waiting, buddy boy.
Oh, your bike, man,
that was... Whew!
That was a clean machine.
That was some
solid craftsmanship.
I'm sure a starving student
wouldn't know what to do
with it, you see?
Now, if it was my bike,
Well, I'd never let it
out of my sight,
but it's not, so...
Don't...
Don't ever embarrass one of
my members on my porch again.
Okay? Got it?
Spunky? Oh, baby,
don't you know...
(LAUGHS)
Oh!
Bye-bye!
I don't like him.
I don't like him.
DEAN: Don't turn your $150
bicycle into my $200,000 problem.
PIPER: You're nothing but a
tuition check to the Dean.
(SIGHS)
AUGUSTUS WASHINGTON III: And at The
Society, we look after one another,
including retrieving
stolen bicycles.
May I help you?
Yeah, uh, where's Augustus?
(LAUGHS)
Not many prospects
get invites to The Society.
I am elated
to have you on board.
Together, we can bring
the Kappas to their knees.
There is a small initiation that
we need to enact before we begin.
What initiation?
It's to ensure your
conviction to The Society.
KAPPA MEMBER:
What? Suck a dick!
Fuck you!
What about my bike?
After the initiation.
If you could meet us
there down the road in,
say... 5 minutes,
then we can begin
the process.
That's a sorority house.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, is that what that is?
Sororities have been extinct
for quite some time.
We use it for pledging, so
that you can earn your specs.
I don't need glasses.
Neither do we.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
SOCIETY MEMBER: Move! Move!
Before they come back!
SOCIETY MEMBER: Drop these off!
There's more in the back!
Hello?
(CHANTING) Kappa, Kappa,
Kappa, Kappa,
Kappa, Kappa,
Kappa, Kappa,
(DISTORTED) Kappa, Kappa...
(GLASS BREAKING)
(GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
PIPER: Hey! Hey!
Come on! Quick!
KAPPA MEMBERS: Come here, boy!
Come back here!
Just get him! Come on!
Let's get his ass!
(KAPPA MEMBERS CLAMORING)
(CHUCKLES)
- The Freshman survived the trap.
- Hmm.
- I don't like that.
- Me neither. Me neither.
DEAN: Attention, everyone,
it's near the end of the day,
and I have
an emergency announcement...
Kappa Brutis Omega
will not be hosting
the bike fair tomorrow.
- Then, who's hosting it?
- Who do you think?
All right, the High Society will be
hosting at 8:00 a.m. in the court.
PALMER: They took the bikes?
I swear to God,
I'm going to tell your mother!
Why would you let them
take the bikes?
NARRATOR: With no one
in his corner,
the Freshman quickly realized if he
ever wanted to see his bike again,
he'd have to find a way to
bring down both fraternities.
DEAN: No one has ever passed
their requirements.
So, why don't you try
and be the first?
Hey, you got class
before 8:00?
I wouldn't schedule a class
that early to save my life.
- Where do you keep your wheels?
- What's up?
(SPLUTTERING)
JESSUP: This is not adding up This is
not... This is not excellent, guys!
Do you guys wanna go
get a cup of java?
Will that speed you up?
Go fast now and know that at the
end of the road, there's java.
What are you up to?
JESSUP:
You know what I mean?
Guys, please!
Give me a second.
Augustus would not be happy about this.
He'd be pissed off.
What's a good vocabulary
word for "pissed off"?
SOCIETY MEMBER:
Affronted.
That's what he would be.
You know it.
He would be very affronted.
Yeah...
Oh, no.
(GRUNTS)
See? I told you,
and I told them!
Shh!
- Shh!
- Shh!
You're the one knocking down
all of the bikes, brainiac!
(SIGHS) We can get these back to
the students they stole them from...
Hey, what are you doing?
Stop that! We can't give
them back like that!
I'm not giving them back.
I need a bike.
- What happened to your last bike?
- Stolen.
That's too bad.
Did you make a reservation?
No, I didn't know you
needed to make reservations.
PIPER: So, how does this
fit into your master plan?
Don't worry about it.
- What are you always listening to?
- Why?
- We're roomies.
- So?
- What's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you?
You never answered
my question.
Yeah, because you never
answered mine.
Cagey.
This is all I got.
BOTH: It's non-refundable.
Have a nice day.
STARVING STEVEN:
Okay, okay.
Is it all there?
- 150.
- Good.
STARVING STEVEN: Ah!
Hey, this bike's busted!
Ah!
Come on!
Something's wrong
with the bikes.
STARVING STEVEN:
Aw, fuck!
Kappas!
Well, come on.
Come on, guys! That's it?
I can get a better shot
from over there.
Go get it.
You think you're so clever.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Mozart.
Symphony 35.
Haffner's Serenade?
No, Haffner's Symphony.
Leonidas!
Oh, my God!
Stand your ground.
Shit!
(HIGH SOCIETY MEMBERS
SCREAMING)
(KAPPA MEMBERS CLAMORING)
Oh, God! Oh...
I'm coming for you.
KAPPA MEMBER:
Come here, tub-tub!
(ALL SHOUTING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
KAPPA MEMBER: Oh-oh,
I broke this one's glasses!
YVETTE: These brakes
are snapped.
Salvage what you can.
(PIPER PANTING)
Hey, boss, look who
we caught snooping around.
PIPER: Let me go!
PALMER: Get her up here.
No!
I haven't seen you
since when... Like, uh,
- freshman year?
- Don't touch me!
That's a nice camera.
Knowing you, this is what,
five, ten years out of date?
Twenty!
Careful! That's antique glass.
Smile. You'll look better.
Hey! Don't touch that!
Honey? Baby? Uh...
(SCREAMS)
I'm so sorry, Piper.
Was that yours?
Duh, bitch! Let me go!
Let her go.
Don't ever embarrass me
like that again, okay?
Hey, boss! Guys,
we got security on the way!
PALMER: All right, gentlemen,
we're not retreating!
We are advancing
in a different direction!
- (ALL CHEERING)
- PALMER: Ready?
Yeah, come on!
They don't pay you enough.
Hey, do you think you can get these
bikes to the dormitory for me?
Thanks.
You have to believe me! They have the
stolen bikes packed in their garage.
STARVING NICO: Do you
have any pictures of this?
- They broke my camera.
- STARVING SUSAN: Yeah, well, are there any witnesses?
He saw it!
I don't know
what she's talking about.
What?
(STUTTERS)
I'm telling the truth!
STARVING NICO:
With no evidence.
Then why else
would they act like that?
STARVING HEMSLEY:
Frats will be frats, Piper.
Oh, that is B.S.,
and you know it!
People can't bring nice bikes and
expect them not to get stolen.
STARVING HEMSLEY: Yeah, you can't
just expect us to believe you.
We cannot let Palmer
keep getting away with this!
STARVING SUSAN: Oh, so,
that's what this is about?
STARVING HEMSLEY:
Are we back on that again?
She couldn't pin ex-lover
boy with the first story,
so she had to make up
a new one. Real classy.
It's not a story!
You think I don't know
what you're doing?
You ever written anything,
Freshman?
In high school.
And I bet you double-sized the periods
to get an extra quarter of a page.
So, what? Who didn't?
I didn't.
Twelve point font. Times New Roman.
One inch margins.
Proper header and footer. Checked
and double-checked sources.
Triple checked
for good measure.
Five hundred words per page.
So, when a freshman who
double-sizes his periods,
cheats the margins, gets
into the same college as me,
and uses that same mentality
to screw other students
out of their bikes,
how do you think
that makes me feel?
I found my own frame.
Installed my own shift
and brake cables.
Found my handle bars.
Fixed my own flat tires.
And cleaned my chain
and cassette.
I know what hard work is.
That bicycle ring story
still working for you?
That's just the gravy,
Freshman.
Here's the potatoes:
Palmer's sorority girl.
I thought you said
sororities don't exist.
Well, maybe it's time
they made a comeback.
(REWINDS AND STOPS)
If you could get the guy who's
in charge of your bike fair,
I'd appreciate it.
(GUN COCKS, FIRES)
Get Augustus out here.
- He's occupied.
- Tell him, it's business.
He's occupied indefinitely.
Okay?
Just put me
in his schedule.
I lost my pen.
(SCREAMS)
FRESHMAN: Heard, uh,
you guys lost a lot of bikes.
Yeah?
You got something
you want to say?
You want to know
where to get them?
PALMER: Okay, listen here, you
namby-pamby, I don't want broken bikes.
I want clean machines.
FRESHMAN: I could fix these
bikes, but it'll cost you.
AUGUSTUS WASHINGTON III:
Are you attempting
to make me procure my own
goods for your financial gain?
FRESHMAN: $4,000 and I can get them back
to you better than they were before.
AUGUSTUS WASHINGTON III:
$4,000 is too high.
FRESHMAN: It's a steal.
AUGUSTUS WASHINGTON III: It's
still too high. Far too high.
PALMER: You think that The Society
can give you something that I can't?
Maybe I'll sell them
to the Kappas.
Shit!
Wait! We're businessmen.
FRESHMAN:
There's a lot of them.
You could make
a pretty penny.
We can't let the Kappas
reclaim them.
- Yeah, we can't let the...
- No, shh...
- (STUTTERS) That's for us.
- I'm so sorry.
You tell that fucking
disco maniac motherfucker
that he isn't getting one bit
of my fucking money, okay?
AUGUSTUS WASHINGTON III: How do
I know it's worth the purchase?
PALMER: I need to make sure
the goods are clean.
I need to make sure
everything's...
How the Italians say,
capisce.
AUGUSTUS WASHINGTON III: I
wouldn't want to be bamboozled.
He's a text book bamboozler.
No, fuck you and your bicycle!
Fuck you!
We've lost a lot of men today,
sir, over this very thing.
It's the cost
of doing business.
Deal.
Deal.
If I find one bicycle
with a splintered spoke...
This better be worth it.
Guard this door
with your life.
I don't care if it's the Pope
or Charles Darwin himself!
Hmm, what are you reading?
(GROWLS)
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Wait! I just want to show you something.
All right?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(GRUNTS)
Ow!
(MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY
IN HEADPHONES)
Ah!
(CLICK)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
The Kappas.
What's our move?
(METALLIC SCRAPING)
Okay, where's my bike?
PALMER: Is that
all of them? Huh?
(SIGHS)
It's too convenient.
- (TWIG BREAKS)
- Shh!
Washington?
Palmer...
Still haven't graduated past
the second grade, I see.
(SARCASTICALLY)
Hardy har, har, har...
AUGUSTUS WASHINGTON III:
I'll be taking these.
Do you know what
trypanophobia is, Palmer?
It's the fear of needles.
Like when a doctor
draws blood.
Or even numbs your gums.
Hmm?
(LAUGHS)
Or even an eye.
I want all
of your bicycle intake
for the rest of senior year.
And, if you think
about reneging on our deal,
remember what happened
here today.
And know that the one who set you
up was not I, but the Freshman.
The Freshman.
FRESHMAN: Piper?
AUGUSTUS WASHINGTON III:
Nod if you understand.
AUGUSTUS WASHINGTON III: Now,
be a good little doggy and shoo.
(DOOR THUDS)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Shit!
KAPPA MEMBER:
Scotch on the rocks.
Where's the Freshman?
Not sure, boss.
Hey,
I need some muscle.
Family meeting!
Family meeting!
KAPPA MEMBER:
Hey, uh, boss, you okay?
No, no...
Everything isn't fucking okay.
Every single
goddamn second...
Every single
goddamn second,
these sons of bitches
come at me.
I want you to hit that motherfucker
so hard, his afro falls off, okay?
Sir, the Freshman
has arrived.
He has another proposition.
AUGUSTUS WASHINGTON III:
I'm not interested.
Tell him to find
another dupe.
You may want to hear this.
AUGUSTUS WASHINGTON III: You must
certainly want your bike back.
Even for a freshman,
this is pretty low.
PALMER: Yvette!
KAPPA MEMBERS: Yvette!
AUGUSTUS WASHINGTON III:
What's the catch?
PALMER: Baby!
Find her! Find her!
There's always a catch.
Always.
$1,000, plus my bike.
(LAUGHS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
There goes Spring Fling.
I hope you didn't have
a date already.
What say we meet back in my
quarters in, say, 45 minutes?
You got yourself a deal.
AUGUSTUS WASHINGTON III: I'll have
your bike waiting in our garage.
Jessup, get our men ready.
(PALMER SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
PIPER: Pencil dick.
If you hate yourself enough, you'll
let anyone do anything to you.
I know I did.
Well, if she wants help,
she can ask for it.
Ask who?
This place encourages
everything
and protects nothing.
What did you do this time?
Are there ten bills here?
What did you do?
I got my bike back
and made some cash doing it.
Off of what?
I didn't think
it would be that easy.
I should get more.
Ow! What the hell
is your problem?
Do you even know
what it's like in there?
In Kappa Brutis?
Why do you care?
Are you serious?
Do you not see how Palmer
manipulates her?
Come on. Piper, cut it out.
What do you expect?
You want me to go back over?
Okay, I'll get her back,
all right?
You really don't care about
anyone but yourself, do you?
No, I don't.
But right now, I think
I'd much rather be... Ow!
Prick.
- Piper...
- Find a new roommate.
Oh, baby. Did they hurt you?
Come here. Come to Daddy.
It's okay. It's okay.
(SLAPPING)
You know how much
this cost me? Huh?
Get her out of here!
Hey, Palmer!
I want to rush.
Let's go inside.
Come on.
PALMER: There's three very
simple rules to being a Kappa.
Rule number one: always wear
a rubber.
Because we can't have any of that
gonnor-herpa-syphilitic shit.
KAPPA MEMBER: Easy, man.
Got to check you.
PALMER: Hey, come on, man.
We're all friends.
KAPPA MEMBER: Easy...
What's in your hand, man?
PALMER: We're all friends
here, buddy boy.
KAPPA MEMBER:
Old school.
PALMER: Hey, baby...
Guess what?
Buddy boy here
wants to pledge.
(SIGHS) Do we have
to do that tonight?
Come on. It'll be fun.
I know... I just...
Nobody likes a prude.
Don't be that girl.
That's my girl.
(WHISTLING)
She'll make an old dog
break its chain.
Look at that.
Look, I'm sorry
about the bike.
That was just business.
Nothing personal.
I wish your sisters
were here.
I mean, we'd have
a full house, right, guys?
KAPPA MEMBER:
Yeah, that's right.
Uh-huh.
You like red-headed sluts?
What?
Two red-headed sluts for me and
buddy boy to slide into, right?
Cheers.
To God and country.
Come on, get them.
You're an interesting cat.
You know?
I mean, I dig it.
I like your spunk.
I like your attitude.
I think the Brotherhood
is damn glad to have you.
You got that head down,
quick walk kind of vibe.
Hey, no, no, come one.
Come on. One more.
This is bullshit.
I'm not doing this any more.
- What do you mean?
- I'm not doing this.
Doing what? Again...
Why do you have to embarrass
me in front of company?
Jesus-H-Christ on a popsicle stick!
Honey, come on.
Good. Another one.
Thank you. Love you.
Don't look now,
it's Jack Enberg.
He wants to blackball you.
Cheers.
Ooh, that tastes good!
Feels good, doesn't it?
Put some hair on that chest.
Makes you feel just right.
KAPPA MEMBERS:
(CHANTING) Buddy boy.
KAPPA MEMBER:
Take a drink, buddy boy!
KAPPA MEMBER:
Take a drink, buddy boy!
(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGAUGE)
If you're Russian, right?
Cheers!
Yeah, to Fatherland!
Cheers! Cheers!
(GIGGLES)
Get off of me!
You're going to drink.
You're going to enjoy it.
Come on,
you goddamn little bitch!
Drink the fucking shit!
Come on! That's a good boy!
Get back.
Uh, uh, uh...
You made a fool of me.
I mean, you're outnumbered.
I mean,
there's no where to go!
What are you, an idiot?
(HIGH-PITCHED BUZZING)
Let her go!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(HIGH PITCHED RINGING)
Let's get out of here!
(GRUNTS)
What the hell was that?
No, no, no! Listen!
Listen to me! Go to the dormitory.
Find Piper.
Piper's in 306. Okay?
Okay? Go find Piper. 306.
(DISTORTED) Okay, go!
I'll cover you. Go! I got you!
Get him! Get that Walkman too!
KAPPA MEMBER:
They're getting away!
(DISTORTED)
I got you, motherfuckers!
KAPPA MEMBER:
Hold up! Hold up!
(CALMING MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROANS)
(KAPPA MEMBERS LAUGHING)
(COUGHS)
Where is she? Huh?
Where... Is... She?
(ALL CHEERING)
Payback's a bitch.
(GRUNTS)
You ever... You ever wonder why
people use the number two pencil?
You ever wonder that?
Why not number three,
four, or five?
See, the harder the lead,
the higher the number.
See,
- the number, uh, four doesn't really work that well,
- (LIQUID POURING)
and the machines definitely
can't read number three.
And number ones
just kind of smudge a little.
Get up!
Against the wall!
(GROANS)
But...
The number two pencil...
Now, that...
That one's just right.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
You know, I, uh...
I lost a lot of bikes today.
(SCREAMS)
KAPPA MEMBER: (LAUGHS) Whoo!
X marks the spot!
Oh, man! Oh...
What?
You're not having fun?
I want you to go out there,
and I want you to find
the deepest, darkest hole you can
fucking find and keep him in it.
Good man.
Go!
So wake the fuck up!
Wake the fuck up, pussy!
You scared?
You fuck around
with Kappa Brutis,
you get fucked around with,
bitch!
Piece of shit!
Fresh meat!
Aren't you hungry?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER
AND SHOUTING)
KAPPA MEMBER: (DISTORTED)
Kill his fucking ass!
KAPPA MEMBER: Yeah, here we go!
You're so fucked!
KAPPA MEMBER:
Oh, oh! Is he crying?
Stare him
right in the fucking eyes.
That's the last thing you're
ever going to fucking see.
- Now, you're fucking dead!
- That's right.
I'd be scared
if I was you, Freshman!
(GROANS)
Why are you helping me?
KAPPA MEMBERS: Where do you
think you're going, huh?
Huh? You got nowhere to go!
Nowhere to run!
Go!
PALMER: Come out, come out,
wherever you are!
(GIGGLES)
You really fucked up
this time.
- (PENCIL STRIKES)
- (THUD)
SPOKEN WORD SOCIETY MEMBER: Do
not mistake our joy for privilege.
We have known pain.
We have known struggle.
We have stood at her shores
in the high and low tide.
Let her waves
wash upon our bodies,
threatening to erode away the
things that make us beautiful.
Pain was seated at the edge
of our mother's bed
to greet us when
we first opened our eyes.
Struggle chained itself to our
ankle as we took our first fall.
They are sisters. They do
not come one at a time.
They ebb and flow
like crushing feet,
turning grapes to wine.
They went to the sisters
often.
Casting themselves
in her oceans daily.
Getting stronger daily.
Getting wiser.
Calling these waters
their home
until gills took the place
of their lungs.
We are the products of men who gave
their breaths so we could swim.
Who withstood crashing waves
so that tempest and chill
would never be foreign to us.
We are the first group
that burst through the seed
and gripped any soil
to call it home.
We are the magma rising up
through igneous rock,
the lava racing down
the side of the mountain,
destroying anything
in its path.
Each one of our brothers the tip
of a spear that pierces flesh,
so the rest can pass through.
Anywhere we go,
we leave a lasting wound!
Precision is our weapon.
Excellence is our culture.
History is our engine.
Revving us to rage at and against a
machine, and now we stand uncontested.
Besting our rivals. Returning
every sweat our ancestors invested.
Every day we are yelling,
"Kill a Kappa! Kill a Kappa!
Kappa! Kappa!
"If it's a Kappa, snap his
neck if he talks smack!"
Them Kappas copped some capital,
but, now, look where they at!
Challenge The Society,
you see how we react!
Man, them Kappas cowards!
They ain't never coming back!
(APPLAUSE)
Long live The Society.
(GASPS)
Hi.
To us!
And to those who
wish to be like us!
Gentlemen,
with the Kappas gone,
we shall control the row.
Which is extremely tight.
- (SOCIETY MEMBERS LAUGH)
- Indeed! Hear! Hear!
Hear! Hear!
This is quite the rager.
- Yes!
- I know I'm raging face.
Victory stroll?
I'll be with you in a moment.
(SIGHS)
(WATCH TICKING)
We did it, Father.
We did it.
(INDISTINCT SCREAMING
AND BLOWS LANDING)
(MAN SCREAMS)
(HARMONICA PLAYS)
Palmer!
Washington.
We had a consortium.
So well with words.
(GLASS BREAKS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Ah!
(GROANING)
(CRACKS)
Come here, come here.
All right, hey,
what is honor, huh?
Do you die real quick,
or do you live another day!
(GROANS)
PALMER: You done good.
You done real good.
Good job, buddy.
Good job. Good job.
(CONTINUES GROANING)
(PANTING)
(PENCIL FLIES,
THUDS IN DISTANCE)
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Find the Freshman!
Find him!
Find the Freshman!
My first act will be
to clean up these bodies.
They smell like literature.
Oh, smack my ass
and call me Shirley.
Is that yours?
Where is he?
I don't know where he is.
Oh, it's heavy!
You don't know
where he is?
No, I threw him out.
I don't know where he is.
I haven't seen him since.
Last chance,
because you better tell me.
I don't...
- You won't tell me?
- Put it down! I don't know where he is!
- You won't tell me where he's at?
- No!
I don't know where he is!
Get her out of here!
No, no.
Hear that, Freshman?
We got your girl!
Come on out!
Come on, boy.
Come on!
The fuck you looking at?
Get him!
FRESHMAN: Psst!
Psst!
Hey!
Over here!
Can you get me
out of here?
Please?
KISHA: What the fuck, Alfred, what did
you bring us? Tell me it's a puppy.
Tell me it's a fucking puppy.
This? Are you
fucking kidding me?
This guy?
You brought this fucking guy?
Get me a knife,
I want to gut him.
YVETTE: Hey!
He's fine.
- (SIGHS)
- GIRL 1: Whatever.
GIRL 2: Alfred,
you got the stuff?
Come on...
There you go.
(MOUTHING) Thank you.
I'm so stupid!
I can't believe
I trusted him.
You're not stupid.
ANNIE: It's not your fault.
What the hell was I doing?
ANNIE: Would you stop?
Seriously.
I have to tell the Dean.
Yeah, 'cause he's going
to believe you?
Piper tried that. Remember?
He cut The Journal
and called it a hoax.
If it's not lining his
pockets, he does not care.
Ow! Motherfucker!
Well, we have
to tell someone.
Piper 's been trying to tell them
for years what Palmer did to her.
- "Yeah, can you prove it?"
- "You invited him over."
- "Were you guys drinking?"
- "What did you think was going to happen?"
ALEX: Seriously, it made her look like
a hooker, and pencil dick walked...
Here.
Listen, he didn't
believe Piper's back-story.
What makes you think
he's going to believe you?
Stop leaving your sisters
behind for your new honey,
and we wouldn't have
this problem.
We were here before,
and we'll be here long after.
Entiendes?
ALEX: Has anyone even heard
from Piper?
ANNIE: No, I haven't
got a signal.
They have her.
ALEX: What was that?
- Son of a bitch.
- The fuck did you just say?
Palmer took her.
Pencil dick?
That fucking little...
We got to get her back.
Yeah, I'll go
fucking get her myself.
I want in.
- Hell, no.
- (LAUGHS)
- He's dead weight.
- Get the fuck out of here.
- I got screwed over too.
- Oh, yeah,
with your little bike
problem?
'Cause we all really care
about that.
Guys... He got me to Piper,
and she woke me up.
We can trust him.
You fucking serious?
You got to be
fucking kidding me.
(SIGHS)
- That's Alex.
- Beta.
- Annie.
- Sigma
- And Kisha.
- Delta.
He's a dick,
but he's not one of them.
I can help get her back.
(LAUGHING)
Looking like that?
How many fingers
am I holding up?
What are you going
to do with one hand?
Do you have rubber bands
and a ruler?
(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
And some food.
(GASPS)
You know, it's very simple.
Just tell me where he is,
then you can run along
to your little paper.
In fact, I'll even let you
come up to my room.
You can do
a little piece on me.
Don't touch me!
You get it?
Right there.
X marks the spot.
(GROANS)
Last chance.
- No!
- No?
No?
Oh, no!
(LAUGHTER)
"No means no!"
You know what I hate
about female journalists?
They just...
They'll never be
as good as Tom Brokaw.
No.
Hail Mary.
(TAPS ON MIC)
(TAPE REWINDS)
(MUSIC PLAYS)
(TOILET FLUSHES)
What in the hell?
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MUSIC STOPS)
Buddy boy!
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
PALMER: Mmm-mmm...
Buddy, buddy, buddy,
buddy, buddy boy!
I was wondering when you would
show your fat, ugly fucking face.
(LAUGHTER)
Now! Now, it's time
to meet your maker!
(WHIRRING)
(GRUNTS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
FRESHMAN:
Hey, hey, hey!
Ah!
PALMER: Get him! Get him!
(ALL EXCLAIMING NERVOUSLY)
(UNCONTROLLABLE URGE
BY DEVO PLAYING)
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
Honey?
Why?
Honey, come on!
What did I ever do?
PIPER: Really?
I just tried to keep order.
That's all I wanted.
I wanted a little respect.
And I did everything for you.
I got you everything!
I got you fucking ramen!
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
KISHA: Little dick!
Ooh.
You were right.
You think?
You okay?
I was so stupid.
It's nothing.
You didn't know.
Where were you
all this whole time?
You could have
saved us a lot of trouble.
We were in class.
DEAN: I don't know which one of you
entitled brats changed the tunes,
but I won't stand for it!
You almost caught my cock in the
toilet door, you son of a bitch!
The alumni of this school
are prosperous
because of brains
and hard work.
You good for one more?
And waiting for a handout!
You want a fight.
You got a fight.
You coming?
I'm cutting everything off!
No, you got this.
No more donations. No more bike fairs.
No more food.
Hey, Detective!
Go buy yourself some
more ink and a new lens.
KISHA: Let's go, Piper!
(CYCLE BELL RINGS)
NARRATOR:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
I haven't told you
how our story ends.
First of all, the Freshman
got his bike back.
Piper's story finally broke,
reestablishing the sorority and
bringing order to the campus.
And the Dean was stripped
of his command and exiled.
Oh, as for me,
I got myself a promotion.
Welcome to Rock Steady
University.