[ HINGES SQUEAK ]
[ GOATS BLEATING ]
[ WIND WHISTLING ]
[ BIRD SQUAWKING ]
[ ACOUSTIC GUITAR: FOLK BLUES ]
[ MATCH FLARES ]
[ MAN ]
Yes, I'm gonna be a pop star
Yes, I'm gonna be
a pop star, now
Yes, I'm going to be
a pop star
Oh, Mama,
Mama, see me
Mama, Mama, see me
I'm a pop star
Oh
Yes, I'm goin'
on the TV now, now
Yes, I'm goin'
on the TV, now
Yes, I'm goin'
on the TV, now
Oh, Mama,
Mama, see me
Mama, Mama,
see me on the TV
Oh
Yes, I'm goin'
on my first gig
Yes, I'm goin'
on my first gig
Yes, I'm goin'
on my first gig
Oh, Mama,
Mama, see me
Mama, Mama,
see me on my first gig
Oh, listen to me
[ VOCALIZING ]
[ FADES, ENDS ]
[ WOMAN, OVER-ENUNCIATING ]
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times
But somehow I want more
I don't mind
spending every day
Out on your corner
in the pouring rain
Look for the girl
with the broken smile
Ask her if she'd like
to stay for a while
And she will be loved
And she will be
Loved
Mr. Lanz? I'm done.
No.
[ SIGHS ]
Forgive me. No.
You're just beginning.
You liked it?
Liked it?
You made me
want to swallow poison.
And forget pitch,
rhythm and tone...
and emotional attachment
to the lyric or the melody.
I'm sorry.
I don't think I...
A grain of sand
slips into an oyster...
and irritates the bivalve.
What happens?
A pearl.
Celine Dion.
Miss Nicki Minaj.
Christina Aguilera occasionally.
All of them deeply,
profoundly irritating.
Each one of 'em a huge star.
You, mighty Mo...
are that irritant.
[ INHALES ]
So you'll represent me?
If you'll have me...
Richie Lanz Management...
globally, in all markets.
[ SQUEALS, LAUGHS ]
Welcome to the team.
Thank you! Thank you.
So $1,200?
It's just to cover wardrobe,
studio time, gym classes.
Oh, I go to a gym.
Want to get you
a good blender too.
[ RICHIE ] Wow.
I got goose bumps. Me too.
Oh, personal check.
- I'm going to say it's okay, Ronnie.
- Yeah.
Here's our contract.
The only one we'll ever have. Ever.
My handshake is my word.
[ RONNIE ]
Conning checks from losers.
Booking cover bands
for bar mitzvahs.
What happened to
that smile you had, huh?
That Richie Lanz smile.
What'd you call it?
Hey, remember, we got
that thing at Pogo's tonight.
Your "winner's smile."
That's what you called it.
All those pictures in your office,
you had that grin.
That grin, man.
You were really something.
Am.
Not were, sweetheart. Am.
Yeah, sure,
I'm taking some hits,
you know, but this is
all rope-a-dope, baby.
It looks pretty bad for Richie Lanz
from the cheap seats,
but I am still
in the goddamn game.
You know,
this is not forever.
This is right now.
This is Van Nuys.
Life's about seeing an open door
and walking right through it.
Obviously, some asshole has changed
the goddamn locks on me,
but... there's still
a door there.
I can see it.
I have always found a way.
I always will.
- I mean, how do you think I found Madonna?
- Richie.
Singing for spare change
in front of Hamburger Hamlet.
Okay, is this our talk?
Because you promised me...
after one year
I'd be singing my own songs.
I don't really...
see that now.
Wear your Meredith Brooks
outfit tonight, please.
- [ PHONE RINGING ]
- Door number one. That's you.
We have to talk, Richie.
No!
I don't like this!
We have to rock!
[ MID-TEMPO ROCK ]
I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know, but I can't change
Tried to tell you
but you look at me
Like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
- You must have been relieved
- [ GLASS SHATTERS ]
To see the softer side
I can understand how
you'd be so confused
What's up, buddy?
She's great, isn't she?
I don't envy you
The girl's not that great.
You're too drunk to know.
All rolled into one
I'm a bitch
I'm a lover
I'm a child
I'm a mother
I'm a sinner
I'm a saint
This shit rocks!
[ RICHIE ] Totally.
I love this song.
I do not feel ashamed
It rocks!
It totally rocks.
Whoo!
[ CONTINUES ]
You know you wouldn't
want me any other way
I got to go check something.
Fuses or watts or something.
No, no, no.
My man, my man, my man.
What you gotta do
is bring this shit to Afghanistan.
Afghanistan. Totally.
Got to.
USO tour.
That's me, man.
I book those things.
This chick,
opening for Demi goddamn Lovato
and that Solange?
- The real Solange?
- Hells, yeah. In country, dude.
Goddamn beautiful
this time of year.
What time of year is it?
May.
What?
I think that it's May.
Kandahar rocks in May.
Right, right.
Do the whole circuit...
Herat, Mazar-e Sharif,
two nights in Kunduz, Kabul.
Do the whole thing.
You're talking a tour?
A hellacious tour, dude!
For money?
How about for your country?
Hells, yeah. For a ton of money.
We're at war, dude.
The faucet is open.
You do what you do
[ GAGGING ]
- And don't try to save me
- One, two, three.
[ TOGETHER ]
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child
I'm a mother
I'm a sinner
I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
Daddy, nobody tours Afghanistan.
That's not true.
Nobody good.
Now you're just being cruel.
Aren't you?
Sweetie, your dad
was a rock tour manager...
Your dad is
a rock tour manager.
And this is what
I'm supposed to do.
I'm supposed to tour
with my act.
Now yes,
it's a little bit out of town,
but it's a start.
The first thing I do
when I arrive,
I'm going to head directly
to the Kasbah...
where I will purchase for you...
They don't have Kasbahs
in Afghanistan.
What? No rock the Kasbah?
Somebody is not
going to like that.
They're in North Africa,
not Afghanistan.
[ SIGHS ] You are so
your father's daughter.
Scary smart.
And you got my looks too.
You really have
the total package of me.
Okay, then I'll just go
to the mall...
and get you one of those stuffed
elephants with the mirrors all over it.
Just come home.
[ WOMAN ] Hurry up! Ann Coulter's
gonna dance next!
I gotta go.
Mmm.
Dree!
Dree.
I love you.
I love you more.
[ JET ENGINES WHINING ]
- [ JET ENGINES CONTINUE ]
- [ ENGINE STARTS ]
[ RICHIE ] Come on.
We're in the homestretch.
Last leg.
Come on. This is
just a short two-hour...
[ WHISPERING ]
Hell flight!
It's a hell flight.
This is a goddamn death trip.
Forgive me.
The '85 Bangles tour
was a death trip.
Susanna Hoffs would not
even talk to her own mother.
[ GROANING ]
I'm going to hurl.
[ RETCHES ]
[ WHINING ]
What if they hate me?
They're soldiers.
They'll kill me.
You want my air?
Here. Take mine.
No. I want to go home.
Hey, did I tell you my Stevie Nicks story?
Oh, God.
It's the Rumours tour.
[ RETCHING, COUGHING ]
Stevie can't go on.
Stevie won't go on.
Finally, I can't
stand it anymore.
I run over to her,
grab her by the shoulders.
I look her in the eye.
I SAY: [ RETCHING CONTINUES ]
"Miss Stevie.
I'm nobody, but I'm a fan."
And there's a lot of kids
out there tonight just like me...
fans, who saved all month
to come and hear Stevie Nicks sing.
"To see Stevie Nicks twirl."
What happened?
Yeah. Crazy.
She head-butted me.
Deviated septum...
that I still have.
[ SNIFFS ]
Blood everywhere,
all over both of us.
But Miss Stevie Nicks went on and
did the show of her life that night.
And Ms. Ronnie Smiler, I think you are
that same kind of professional.
I believe in you.
Mmm.
He believes in you.
Oh, my God.
You should see the way he
looks at you while you sleep.
[ SMACKS LIPS ]
Stop it right now.
"Not wearing underwear."
[ WHISPERING ] You idiot.
That's what he's thinking.
- You idiot.
- It's only rock and roll, babe.
Yeah. Think Aspen.
But, you know, during wartime.
This is the last of it?
It's not ours.
[ MAN ] Your luggage probably
never made it on the flight.
It has been known to happen.
Is there a lost-and-found?
Not in the traditional sense,
sir.
Richie, I want to get out of here.
Mm-hmm.
Get me the hell out of here now.
Okay, Private?
We'll proceed to the Majestic Hotel,
get you people squared away.
Don't want to head into town in the dark,
even with a Humvee and body armor.
I'll come back at 1900 hours,
pick you up, take you to Camp Phoenix
for tonight's show.
I'm sorry. Body armor?
[ RICHIE ] That's a good plan.
That's a great plan.
Hey, guess what.
We're shopping here.
My treat. They have
great shopping here.
Hippie-chic stuff.
This is the...
These people invented
the word "bazaar."
Actually, sir,
we're in a lockdown mode.
There's been an assassination attempt
on the Afghan president.
Markets, restaurants, tourist spots,
anything outside of your hotel...
is suggested off-limits
to all Westerners,
NATO, UN personnel,
all non-government organizations,
until further notice.
What? A lockdown?
Yes.
What?
Private.
From now on, let's...
[ BANGING ON DOOR ]
We'll keep all of that
on a need-to-know basis, okay?
Sir.
Yeah.
Hey, hon.
Can't go out that way.
We've gotta go out
this door here.
Ronnie Smiler, everybody.
Tonight at Camp Phoenix
at 8:00!
[ ROCK ]
[ MAN SINGING, INDISTINCT ]
Bawitdaba, da bang da bang
diggy, diggy, diggy
Shake the boogie
said up jump the boogie
Bawitdaba da bang da bang
diggy, diggy, diggy
Shake the boogie
said up jump the boogie
Bawitdaba da bang da bang
diggy, diggy, diggy
And this is
for the questions
That don't have any answers
The midnight glances
and the topless dancers
The can of freaks
Cars packed with speakers
The G's with the 40s
And the chicks with beepers
The Northern Lights
and the Southern Comfort
- [ EXPLOSION ]
- Aaah!
[ MAN ON RADIO, GARBLED ]
I'm losing it, Richie.
What the... What is this?
Nothing.
It's a Mexican quaalude.
Can't this wait
until after the gig?
Ho-Hold it.
IED puffed a local
on Flower Street.
Land mine blew up two
goats few blocks over.
No worries.
We're good to go.
You know what?
You can have half now.
Save the rest
for the after-party.
[ LAUGHS ]
They're blowing up goats.
Must be some sort of festival
or something.
[ ENGINE REVVING ]
[ ROCK RESUMES ]
Bawitdaba, da bang da bang,
diggy, diggy, diggy
Shake the boogie,
said up jump the boogie
Bawitdaba, da bang da bang,
diggy, diggy, diggy
Shake the boogie,
said up jump the boogie
Bawitdaba, da bang da bang,
diggy, diggy, diggy
Shake the boogie,
said up jump the boogie
Bawitdaba, da bang da bang,
diggy, diggy, diggy
[ CONTINUES ]
[ HELICOPTER PASSING OVERHEAD ]
Mr. Lanz,
this hotel is not MOSS...
"Minimum Operating
Security Standards."
They usually don't clear
our people to stay here,
but the town's jammed up
and you're only here one night.
Get a room at the back away from
the street and potential flying glass.
Stay in it till I get here.
See you at 1900 hours.
I can't feel my lower lip.
Good girl.
Richie Lanz checking in.
Uh, we are obviously the talent for
tonight's show at Camp Phoenix.
We've just come off
a hellacious flight from the coast...
and would really appreciate
an upgrade,
possibly to a junior
executive suite.
At the very least,
two adjoining bedrooms.
Something with some size,
and definitely
off the street, hmm?
[ SPEAKERS: BLUES ]
[ RONNIE GIGGLES ]
Hey. Bombay Brian
just got out of jail...
for hanging two Taliban guys
upside down by their feet.
Thank you for your sacrifice.
You win, sir.
I upgraded you.
- What room, Nasim?
- 26.
My gal's got
a big show tonight.
She's got to get her rest.
Big... Big-time show.
[ GRUNTS ]
Hi. [ LAUGHS ]
I'm gonna see you guys after
at the after-party. Right?
[ MAN ] Sure, I'll be there.
Good.
Don't forget about
the rock and roll
[ SPEAKERS: BLUES ]
Yeah?
[ INDISTINCT ]
[ FAINT DIALOGUE ]
- Hey.
- Oh, look out.
Life is good.
Yes, and cheap.
Yes. Cheap and good.
Bartender.
Let me get a round of drinks
and one for our boy here?
This is our card,
in case you need anything.
Want you to have it.
Anything at all.
"International Ballistics
and Munitions."
Yeah.
IBM.
Yeah, we sell bullets
to the good guys.
Which is, you know,
karmically correct.
And it's a $300 million contract
with the damn Pentagon, dude.
It's insane. Billions...
Billions are pouring into this bitch.
I am talking about US,
NGO dough. NATO.
It is a goddamn cash waterfall.
All you gotta do is tilt
your head back and swallow.
[ GRUNTS ]
It's porno.
Six months ago,
we were Herbalife salesmen.
Look at us now, huh? The goddamn ammo kings
of Kabul! Who would have fucking figured?
[ RICHIE ]
Rise and shine, songbird.
Your future's calling.
[ RADIO: ROCK ]
[ MAN ON RADIO ]
You can swim the sea
Ronnie?
You can jump
into the fire
Ronnie.
But you'll never be free
You can shake me up
Or I can break you down
She's gone!
She is? Truly?
- You ready to roll, sir?
- Hang on.
Give me a second.
His Ronnie is gone.
Kidnapped?
Big Daddy. Big Daddy.
We have a possible abduction
at the Majestic...
No, she just left.
She wrote a note.
She left a note.
[ MAN ]
Copy that.
Well, I'm afraid
that's a personal matter.
She stole my wallet.
She took my wallet, my money, my passport.
- Women, sir.
- Well, what about the show?
Well, I guess the show
must go on.
But without you guys.
Good luck, sir.
"Good luck, sir."
I'm royally fucked.
We can make each other happy
Welcome to Afghanistan.
[ RADIO: HIP-HOP ]
How do you know
that she's gonna be here?
There's nowhere else she
could possibly be, okay?
There's no flights out of
this place until tomorrow.
She is still in Kabul.
Trust me.
And if she's in Kabul,
she's at the Volcan.
Every-fucking-body's
at the Volcan.
Say it with me.
Volcan! Volcan!
- Volcan! Volcan!
- Just chill the fuck out.
You're in Kabul, man.
Man up!
Come on.
Go loud with me, bro.
What the fuck was that?
Come on.
Go loud with us. Let's go.
Raise it.
There we are.
Very nice. Hit! Hit it.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Yes!
Whoo!
Richie Ros.
That's my dude!
It's pretty good, huh?
Smooth.
Smooth.
This is a nice car.
Just like the Mannix car
from the TV show.
I bought it from
my boy, Azam Ghol.
[ CHUCKLES ] Sounds like someone
from Lord of the Rings.
No, no, no.
He is the real Dark Lord, dude.
This guy, he's an animal.
He butchered what?
Half of southern Afghanistan
back in the day.
But, still, really a cool guy.
Very funny.
Yeah, once you get
to know him, he's great.
He's got an incredible sense of humor.
Get him out in the world.
He threw in these awesome CDs.
Linda Ronstadt, ZZ Top,
Phantom, Cats.
- Don't worry about that.
- Why did you do that?
Was that...
Why did you do that?
- Was that about Cats?
- Hates Broadway.
Jump around
Jump around
Jump up, jump up
and get down
[ DOGS BARKING ]
They'll snap at you.
[ LAUGHING ] This is fucking scary,
isn't it?
[ ALL LAUGHING ]
[ RICHIE ]
Who would put a club here?
I figure this area
is rent-controlled,
so they're able to keep
the prices really low.
[ CHUCKLES ]
Come through here at Christmastime.
It's all lit up.
The parade goes right through here.
It's beautiful.
They're making us stop.
Yeah, we're good.
Don't worry about this.
[ SPEAKING DARI ]
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh?
Which uh-oh?
What is happening?
[ MAN ] Just Be cool, bro.
Papers.
I... Uh...
Officer.
Uh, time for a crazy story.
Uh, Richie Lanz.
It's a real pleasure.
Um...
I may have been burgled.
My star...
Uh, a singer, like Cher,
seems to have vamoosed
with my passport...
and my money,
and left me here
in a place that I like,
a country that I like
and a village that I admire,
uh...
with no proof or identification
that I am responsible...
for a musical tour
going through here,
playing in your town
and a number of others.
And I'd like for you all to come to
the show as my guests.
- Backstage...
- Get out of the car. Now!
- [ ENGINE REVVING HIGH ]
- [ RESUMES ]
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Those fools shoot
like they dress.
[ MAN LAUGHS ]
Welcome to the jungle!
[ WHOOPING ]
Oh, Jesus. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
[ TOGETHER ] Volcan!
Volcan! Volcan! Volcan!
[ MAN #2 ] I was about
to fall asleep before that.
[ MAN #1 ]
Here we are.
Thank you, bro.
Oh!
[ DANCE ]
Kenny Loggins?
You're still playing?
You guys had guns?
Oh, hell, yeah, we do.
[ LAUGHING ]
- We good?
- [ KNOCKING ]
What's up, dude?
So you gave them your guns.
Does this mean
we're not in a war zone here?
We're safe here?
We're totally safe.
This is a tough town.
People blowing up all over the place,
a million miles from home. Dirty. Stinky.
We work hard,
but we must also play hard.
Dancing on the edge
of the volcano.
[ KNOCKING ]
Rula, babe.
Nick, Jake.
Actually, I'm Nick.
He's Jake.
Whatever. Plus one?
Mmm.
- [ SLAMS ]
- [ LOCK CLICKS ]
[ JAZZY HOUSE ]
No, I can't.
Hey, let's spread out
and find your Ronnie.
I'll grab a beer. She's around here
somewhere. Just keep looking, okay?
[ CONTINUES ]
[ LAUGHING ]
[ WOMAN ]
Oh, how I'd love to
Let you touch me slowly
Over and under your spell
Oh, how you love to
let me fuck you slowly
Over and under your spell
You the new lifeguard?
Oh.
Oh?
You're not a lifeguard.
You're toast.
Burnt. Singed.
Fried.
High.
Come on, baby
You know how
I like your dress.
I bet.
Sparkly, huh?
I'm Merci with an "I."
[ CONTINUES ]
Can you sing?
Nope.
But I can fuck you like
a Mouseketeer on crack.
You can?
Sweets,
I can do things to you...
that are illegal in every
civilized nation in the world.
I will leave you broken,
drooling
and speaking in tongues...
like a hillbilly snake handler.
When?
How much money you got?
Well...
I'm in a rented double-wide.
You can ask anybody where.
It's Miss Merci's 401(K)
retirement tour.
You do not wanna miss it.
Keith Haring, 1987.
I bought it off of
John Cougar Mellencamp.
Well, his bass player actually.
- What's your name?
- Richie Lanz.
Buckle up, cowboy.
[ VOCALIZING ]
[ KIDS SHOUTING ]
[ KNOCKING ]
[ MAN ]
Miss Merci.
[ RICHIE ] She's, uh,
in the shower, I think.
I suggest you come back...
in maybe an hour
and a half or so.
Uh, Mr. Lanz?
Hey. Private Barnes.
I like what you've done
with your hair, sir.
Well, you're kind to say that.
Uh, well.
Enjoy the rest of your stay.
Will do.
Uh, Private?
Yeah?
Oh. Sure. Sure.
You look kind of nervous.
Probably your first
hostage rescue, huh?
[ SIGHS ]
Yes, sir. Here.
No, I can get that one.
Thank you. All right.
Wow.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I ain't never seen any shit like this
before, sir. Good for you.
Well, it's wartime, son.
[ MEN CHUCKLING ]
[ CHATTERING ]
It's worth the wait.
Hey, bub. Hey, bub.
Going downtown?
[ BOYS SPEAKING
FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
I got nothin'.
I've got nothin' for you, guys.
Hashish? No. Never again.
That's final.
Maps! Maps!
Five dollars?
You got to be kidding.
I've got nothing, fellas.
Nothin'.
Look, check my... Here.
Who combs their hair? [ BOYS CHATTERING ]
Map! Map! You. You got hair.
Here, take it. Kid with the hair.
Hey. Hey! Are you a taxi?
Oh, yes, yes, yes. Sure, sure.
[ DRIVER SHOUTING ]
Maps! Maps!
Maps! Maps! Maps!
[ RADIO: DISCO ]
Thank you.
Yes.
I'm glad you speak
the language.
Yes, yes. I speak. Yes.
I speak American. American.
Where'd you learn?
Yes, yes.
International language of love.
Yes?
Look forward, please.
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
I thought that was French.
No, no, no.
Who sings the disco?
We do, I guess.
The good stuff.
Yes. Yes.
Bionic Boogie, Sylvester,
"Lip Incorporate,"
Madonna...
Hey, an old friend.
You have met Madonna?
"Met" is an understatement.
[ DREE ] I love you, Daddy!
I love you!
[ WOMAN ] I'm hanging up now.
Please don't hang up.
I'm in a jam. Syl, please. Wait.
I'm stuck in Kabul,
and-and Ronnie left...
and took my passport
and my money...
and my plane ticket.
Yeah, yeah.
I need you to wire me
a few thousand dollars.
Oh. Geez. Sure. Of course.
You're the greatest.
You're aces.
The second you pay me
the two months...
of child support you owe me,
you pathetic piece of shit.
Right. Are you still there?
[ BEEPS ]
I need a shower.
Of course, sir.
[ HORNS HONKING ]
[ SCREAMS ]
You smell like pussy.
[ CHUCKLES ] I'm gonna take that
as a compliment.
Your girl's gone.
I got her out of here last night
on a C-130 to Dubai.
- Why?
- 'Cause she asked me to.
'Cause she asked you to?
Yes. That and the fact that
she paid me a thousand dollars.
My thousand dollars.
That's half my fee.
She said you'd pay me the rest.
[ CHUCKLES ]
No and no.
I have no money, no passport...
One thousand. American. Now.
I assume you'll take
a personal check.
I assume you'll take
a bullet to the foot.
Look, Mr. Bombay...
Or, uh, do you go by
"Mumbai" now?
Twenty-four hours.
You pay me or you die.
You don't deserve
a talent like that.
She begged you to let her
sing her own songs.
You force her to sing
that stupid cover shit.
Creative suicide.
"A"... It's called
"management strategy."
And two...
Why don't you get me my passport
and wallet back for the $1,000?
How about if I punch a hole
through your heart right now?
Get out of my way.
Twenty-four hours!
One day.
You're repeating yourself.
[ SHOWER RUNNING ]
[ RICHIE ]
Come down off your throne
And leave your body alone
You are the reason
I've been waiting so long
Somebody holds the key
But I'm near the end
And I just
ain't got the time
And I'm wasted
And I can't
find my way home
It's ridiculous! Woodstock...
Jimi Hendrix played
The Star Spangled Banner...
because I asked him to!
Two weeks...
to get a passport
to my own country.
[ RADIO: POP ]
Hey...
Could you please turn down
the "Boogie Oogie Oogie Oogie"?
[ STOPS ]
Hey, boss. How about lunch?
Do you like Mexican?
Mexican's fine.
But no food.
Madonna?
Please. Donna.
Donna Elaine Beckerman.
Grosse Pointe, Michigan.
- I gave her the name Madonna.
- That's why you are a very famous man.
- Saw her singing on the street.
- Yes. The Hamburger Hamlet.
On Sunset.
Legendary ears.
Oh. Mr. Richie.
Tonight is Afghan Star.
On TV.
[ TV: MAN SPEAKING DARI ]
Afghan Star?
Yes. Big TV show.
Like your American Idol.
Huge competition
for our singers.
He is favorite.
All of Afghanistan,
they watch it and they vote it.
For money?
Yes, of course.
Winner gets $5,000 American
and record deal.
I dig the suit. Retro.
Hey. Uncle Rich, we've got to get out of
here. We've got something better than this.
It's there! It's there!
Whoa!
Whoa! Look at that, huh?
Three months I've been trying to get
that fucking thing to spiral.
Here you go.
- What's that for?
- That's some gangster shit.
Just consider it a lifetime
achievement award.
Look, I think what
he's trying to say...
is that, ultimately, you are our arms man,
and you are in trouble.
That's about $15,000.
Not enough?
- What do you guys want?
- Fucking mind reader.
Clairvoyant.
Okay, what we're looking for...
is a little of that
Richie Lanz closing magic.
You see, we're, uh...
we're double-booked.
What my partner
is trying to say...
is that we are
tied up here in Kabul.
But we got a shipment
due in Patkia...
Today.
Yep.
Today, Rich. Okay?
It's just a few hours south.
We will send some security
just for show.
Totally not necessary.
This is a sweet Pashtun village.
Rich, these... These are
the very good guys, okay?
All they need is a few thousand rounds
of ammunition...
to defend their village.
We gotta help these guys.
Of course we gotta help these guys.
It's what we do, right?
It's why we're here. Mm-hmm.
It's why we are
all here, okay?
Look, we need somebody
we can trust, all right? An American.
Mm-hmm.
That we can trust.
You drive down, you do the meet and greet,
get paid, obviously, see the sights.
And they're wonderful sights.
The road trip is absolutely incredible.
There's amazing rock formations.
It's like Arizona. Really, really pretty.
And you'll be back at L'Volcan tonight
for cocktail hour.
A tourist trip.
Totally. You got a camera?
Why would I ever do that?
- Love this guy.
- Cool head in a tight spot.
Why would you ever do that?
You think we didn't think about this?
Obviously we did.
We thought about you.
And then we thought about
your current situation.
Look, Rich, the US Embassy,
if pushed, can issue...
what they like to call
a "limited-validity" passport.
Like right now.
Ahora. Right the fuck now.
We can have it
in your hands tonight.
No questions asked.
No.
Like I said, we can and will
make that happen for you.
[ NICK ] Now, it's only good for a year,
but it will get you home.
And it's safe?
[ SIGHS ] It's safe as milk.
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ BRIAN ] Thirty clicks from our
destination out on the Gardez road.
The mission today is
a simple stop and drop.
We got a Hollywood agent
in the truck with us today.
Let's see if we can't
keep him alive.
You say you're shopping
a book deal.
You happen to be sitting next to
a very well-connected hombre.
Connected to who?
- Danielle Steel.
- Bullshit.
- We dated.
- Get the fuck out of here.
Seriously.
No way.
- Back in the Bay Area.
- You dated Danielle Steel?
Mm-hmm.
You fuck her?
Twice.
[ BRIAN ]
I read Passion's Promise.
A lot of sex.
- She had beautiful hair, didn't she?
- Back then.
Now I think she's wearing wigs.
And cheap ones. Really.
Like dime-store ones.
[ BRIAN ]
Synthetic?
[ RICHIE ] You know, she's got
the money to spend.
I don't know why
she doesn't do it.
- [ BRIAN ] Come on!
- Mr. Richie! Mr. Richie!
Mr. Richie!
[ BRIAN ] The fucking truck is on fire.
Get out of there!
Let's go. Get up!
Get up! Let's go.
Get up! Yo, anybody hit?
Anybody hit?
Baba? Get It On John?
Everybody all right?
Where you going?
Mr. Richie! You are blown up?
[ BRIAN ]
Richie! Where are you going?
- Mr. Richie!
- [ RICHIE ] Hey!
[ BRIAN ] The fuck you going?
Get that gear out of the car.
Whoa, Hollywood!
Where are you going?
Hey!
Hey! The fuck you going?
Where are you going?
This wasn't the deal.
What?
[ COUGHING, BABBLING ]
This wasn't the deal.
The deal was...
[ SOBS ]
The deal was safe as milk.
Was the deal. Safe as milk.
Let's go. Let's go.
Let's get out of here.
Not getting blown to hell.
Milk? Do these look
like milk trucks?
Do I look like a milkman?
I don't like the tone
of your voice.
You're not gonna
get out of here without us.
You're not gonna
get five clicks out of here.
What's a click?
It's a unit of measurement
in the desert.
Mr. Richie... Heads up. Heads up.
What do you got?
Horses. Horses, Mr. Richie.
Oh, fuck.
Come on out. Come on.
We should have taken horses.
[ MEN SHOUTING ]
They are my people. Yes.
It's okay. They're Pashtun.
[ CHATTERING IN PASHTO ]
[ GUN COCKS ]
[ PANTING ]
Where you goin'?
To close this deal.
Hey.
Richie Lanz.
Talent manager
of Van Nuys, California.
Soon to be in Beverly Hills.
How y'all doing, guys?
As-salaam alaikum.
[ CONTINUES IN PASHTO ]
[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
Back at you, babe.
[ RICHIE ] We got all the stuff
you asked for.
Everything's here.
It's all boxed real nice.
Bows. The whole thing.
[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
Heads up.
- Yes. He's cool.
- We done, champ?
No, I think... Uh, everything but the,
uh... the money. It's good.
Uh, okay, I guess
you've got what you need.
There's just the matter
of an account balance.
Is he... Is he stiffing me?
He is not on our side.
Yeah, I think I know
a good cop, bad cop when I see it.
He wants to pay you
over tea at his home.
Tea?
Yes. And then dinner.
And then he would like us
to spend the night.
It is an incredible honor,
Mr. Richie.
I don't know.
If you refuse,
he will be honor-bound...
to hunt you down and kill you,
and then hunt down
your family and kill them.
[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
I'm thinking.
[ CHUCKLING ]
[ BRIAN ]
First you lose your girl.
Now you're gonna
lose your head.
You're running out of shit
to lose.
Baba, Johnny,
get this shit off the truck.
Let's get out of here.
[ RICHIE ] In my country we often say
thank you with a song.
Ready? Ready?
Ready?
Smoke on the water
Fire in the night sky
Smoke on the water
Fire in the sky, yeah
[ INSTRUMENTS CONTINUE ]
Bring it home!
Smoke on the water
Fire in the night
Smoke on the water
Fire in the night
Come on. Bring it down!
[ STRUMMING CONTINUES ]
[ ENDS ]
Good night, everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
[ TARIQ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
[ RIZA TRANSLATING ]
"Everything that we have"...
[ TARIQ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
"All the wealth of my village,
for what?"
[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
"To buy more bullets,
more guns."
[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
"We are surrounded by enemies."
[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
"The mujahideen warlords."
[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
"Azam Ghol
is my Pashtun brother."
[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
"He comes to take my village,
and he wants us to grow the poppy."
[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
"Twenty-five years of killing."
[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
"I am tired of war,
and I cannot afford the peace."
[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
"Allah helps the innocent."
We have a saying:
"The Lord works
in mysterious ways."
[ RIZA SPEAKING PASHTO ]
[ BELT BUCKLE CLINKING ]
[ ZIPPER OPENS ]
[ URINATING ]
[ WOMAN ]
Trouble
Oh, trouble, set me free
[ ZIPPER CLOSES ]
I have seen your face
And it's too much,
too much for me
Trouble
Oh, trouble, can't you see?
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing much
left of me
I've
Drunk your wine
You have made
your world mine
So won't you be fair?
So won't you be fair?
I
Don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me?
Just let me go where
I'll have to go there
Well, la-di-da.
[ SINGSONG ]
Taxi.
I heard a girl
singing just now.
Right over there.
A Pashtun girl.
No. Impossible.
The girl in the red burka.
We saw her today.
No, Pashtun women cannot.
They are forbidden to sing.
The chick in the red burka
didn't get the memo.
This girl...
Oh! Oh, God. Oh!
This girl...
Riza, Richie Lanz is about one thing,
one thing only.
What is it?
Your ears.
My ears.
And signing.
So it's two things.
My ears and signing.
I hear 'em, and I sign 'em.
So simple.
A Pashtun woman?
From this village?
They will kill her,
and then right away, they will kill us.
With big, sharp rocks.
That is simple.
Well, I think you're wrong.
I hope you're wrong.
And I think you're wrong.
Look around. Look at that.
Look at that.
Look at that.
Look at all of that.
And look at me.
What the hell am I doing here?
This is so crazy, so random.
This has got to be fate.
There's got to be
a reason for this.
And the reason is that girl...
and that TV show.
I am supposed to be here.
I will talk.
You will translate.
We will die.
That's the spirit.
I see that none of you
are cable or satellite subscribers.
But I'm pretty sure...
you've heard about
Afghan Star, huh?
- [ RIZA TRANSLATING ]
- It's a big, big hit.
TV show that comes out of Kabul.
[ ROOSTER CROWS ]
[ GOAT BLEATS ]
Heard about it.
Heard about it.
Well, I happen to have
these babies right here.
[ TRANSLATING ]
They're like yours,
but they're magic.
[ RIZA TRANSLATING ]
And I already know
who the winner is.
[ RIZA TRANSLATING ]
I know who's the best,
'cause I heard the winner here last night.
In a cave above your village.
[ RIZA TRANSLATING ]
My all-time guy
would simply tell us,
"Come together, right now,
over her."
[ SHOUTING IN PASHTO ]
Uh, she is Tariq's daughter.
She is Tariq's daughter. Of course.
[ SHOUTING CONTINUES ]
Get out!
He... Is he proud?
He's got to be.
"How dare you
my daughter insult?"
Shame. Dishonor.
"Eternal death."
I mean, he just goes on, sir.
- [ CHANTING IN PASHTO ]
- [ OTHERS CHANTING ]
So I guess that's a "no."
[ CHANTING CONTINUES ]
[ TIRE BLOWS ]
Great. A flat tire.
See? We are cursed.
Oh, come on.
It's a flat tire.
I'm sure you know
how to fix it.
[ ENGINE STOPS ]
[ RIZA GASPS ]
A ninja!
[ RIZA ] Salima.
I must go to Kabul.
Allah gave me this voice.
This is his gift.
Absolutely.
But why are you in my trunk?
I must honor him
with my music.
I must celebrate my God
with my singing.
I must go to Kabul. I must.
Hey, you're preaching
to the choir,
but, you know, your father, family,
apparently will kill me.
Then it is Allah's will,
and we shall die together.
No. No, we shall not.
I have no intention of dying,
ever.
Tell her, Riza.
[ TRANSLATING ]
[ RICHIE ]
Kabul?
That way.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
Hold it right there, Salima.
From the moment
you heard me sing,
since you found me
in the cave,
since we were put here
on this earth,
everything in our lives
has led us to this time, this place.
Richie Lanz,
our story is already written,
and now... now
we shall play our parts.
We must. There is no choice.
It is God's will.
Okay, but I'm
gonna want 20%.
No contract.
Just a handshake.
That's all I've ever had.
A handshake is my word.
Allah loves those
who act justly.
[ RICHIE ] All right.
Back in the trunk.
I'm kidding.
[ MAN ]
People
Do you understand me now?
Sometimes I feel
a little mad
Don't you know no one alive
Can always be an angel
When things go wrong,
I seem a little sad
But I'm just a soul
whose intentions are good
Oh, Lord, please don't
let me be misunderstood
[ RICHIE ] A guy wouldn't have
to walk that far.
[ RIZA ]
I must speak.
Sure. We have time.
I think you are a smart man,
Mr. Richie, and a good one.
All right.
Calm down.
Salima is in danger.
[ RICHIE ]
I will protect her.
[ RIZA ] Against millions?
Where will she even sleep?
I have one bed, one room.
If I bring an unmarried Pashtun
girl in my building,
my neighbors would
tear us apart for the sin.
Do you remember
where we first met?
[ CHATTERING ]
70-30.
You pay room and board,
all out of pocket.
Done.
I also get a taste
of all the merch money.
And I get a taste
of the merch.
In all markets,
all endeavors.
Boys, it's your lucky day.
All right, none of you are leaving here
with a vicious STD.
Downside...
Miss Merci's pulling an early retirement.
Hangin' up my hot pants.
I suggest you go down to the Chinese
whorehouse on Chicken Street.
[ CHATTERING ]
Breakfast, darlin'?
Got Captain Crunch,
Lucky Charms.
I come here for the waitress.
[ MERCI CHUCKLES ]
[ MAN SPEAKING PASHTO ]
[ CHANTING IN DARI ]
[ RICHIE ] Scared is normal.
Scared is okay.
Jon Bon Jovi throws up
before every show.
[ RIZA SPEAKING DARI ]
We're on the list.
Lanz, plus one.
[ RIZA SPEAKING DARI ]
There is no list.
There's always a list.
I appreciate
your passion, but...
Not my passion.
Salima's passion.
I mean, I'm just
a hustler from LA.
You know what's gonna happen
to a Pashtun girl...
that sings on national TV
in this country?
What her family is gonna do, her father?
It's already done.
Just the fact that her coming here,
it's done.
Look... And yet,
she knows this,
and here she stands in front of you
just asking for a chance.
Just asking for you
to give her a chance.
If the ulema
doesn't shut us down,
if the ministry of information
doesn't throw me in jail,
there will be
another season, Mr. Lanz.
Call me later.
There is no later for Salima, or for you...
or your country.
If you let this girl
sing on national TV,
if you let the Afghan people
see her courage...
Stop. Stop!
And to hear her voice...
No! You do not lecture me about courage,
about my country.
Never. Never.
Not you. Not an American.
You people. You talk and talk.
Have been talking at us
for far too long.
Courage?
There are more death threats
on this show than singers.
Touch.
Michael Jackson.
Pink Floyd. The Eagles.
The Bee Gees.
Saturday Night Fever album.
Fleetwood Mac.
Miss Whitney Houston.
They're all giants.
Demigods.
They all crushed... crushed
40 million units or more.
Forty million units.
Now, you work too hard
for me not to say this.
I consider you my new friend
in Afghanistan.
I want you to consider me...
your new partner.
Now, I have an 80-20...
that's been stepped on
by a preexisting 70-30.
But your 15 against my 85...
puts us both in a palace
in the hills, my friend.
And those numbers
can be massaged.
But the first thing...
You got to just
hear the girl sing.
[ SPEAKING DARI ]
Richie, the judges
want to know...
if Salima will be
only singing in English.
That's never happened before.
Well, I'm afraid so.
It's a touching story.
She learned from a seriously
wounded American GI...
who was trapped in her village.
As she nursed him back to health,
he taught her one word a day,
until finally,
the music of the West.
None of that's true. I mean,
apparently there was a soldier.
So only Cat Stevens?
And Jimmy Cliff.
She does the Muslim West.
That's it.
[ THEME ]
[ DAOUD SPEAKING DARI ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ SPEAKING DARI ]
What?
What'd that twerp say?
Nothing.
I'm gonna go kill him, just in case.
No, Richie.
All right,
when you're done,
big James Brown finish.
I come out,
throw a hijab around you,
escort you off the stage.
Richie...
You shrug off the shawl,
stroll back to the mike,
go down, a full knee drop.
Nail that last verse one last time.
Ignore him. You be you.
You look like a lady.
You sing like an angel. It'll be enough.
[ MAN SINGING IN DARI ]
He's very good.
[ SPEAKING IN DARI ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
Okay.
Now's a good time
to be sick.
[ APPLAUSE ]
[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]
[ GUITAR INTRO ]
Okay. Let 'em hear you.
Now that I've lost
everything to you
You say you want to
start something new
And it's breaking my heart
you're leaving
Baby, I'm grieving
But if you wanna leave,
take good care
Hope you have
a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things
turn bad out there
Oh, baby, baby,
it's a wild world
It's hard to get by
just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby,
it's a wild world
I'll always remember you
like a child, girl
You know, I've seen a lot
of what the world can do
And it's breakin'
my heart in two
Because I never wanna
see you sad, girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave,
take good care
Hope you make a lot
of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a
lot of bad and beware
Oh, baby, baby,
it's a wild world
[ SPEAKS DARI ]
It's hard to get by
just upon a smile
[ CHATTERING ]
Ooh, baby, baby,
it's a wild world
I'll always remember you
like a child, girl
Oh, baby, baby,
it's a wild world
It's hard to get by
just upon a smile
[ ENDS ]
[ RICHIE ] Yeah!
[ APPLAUDS ]
Come on!
Whoo!
[ RICHIE ]
Yeah! Come on!
[ SPEAKING DARI ]
[ MERCI ]
How you feelin', boss?
[ RICHIE ]
They were with her.
I can feel when it's working.
And she had 'em.
They didn't wanna show it,
but she had 'em.
I mean, she was something.
[ SPEAKERS:
MAN SINGING BALLAD ]
She was really something.
What else can a poor boy do?
May I hide from the wind
over here?
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ CONTINUES ]
[ MALE REPORTER SPEAKING DARI ]
We shook hands.
That's a binding contract,
sacred in my world!
Phone calls have been made,
to Dubai!
I've heard the greatest!
I've heard the best!
The way she sang last night,
she could have won it all!
We could have won it all, Dad.
[ TARIQ SPEAKS PASHTO ]
[ DAOUD ] If she goes back
to the village, Richie,
I must remove her name
from the ballot.
[ RICHIE ]
What a beautiful picture.
Miss, would you mind moving?
I'm trying to look at the skyline here.
Thank you.
Asshole.
What time is your flight?
8:00 to Dubai.
Three-hour layover.
And then I got a direct flight to LA.
Gotta sleep.
I was going to tell you.
Really.
When it comes to men,
I'm usually two steps ahead.
[ RICHIE ] It wasn't supposed
to end this way.
That girl has talent.
She has the gift.
She has the magic. I know it.
How the hell good am I
if I can't break a talent like that?
Honey, I saw the audience.
They did not dig
an uncovered Pashtun girl...
singing Cat Stevens in English.
Sweetness and light.
I watched that crowd.
They wanted to go with her.
They were dying to go with her.
They just weren't able
to go with her because it was in public.
You really believe that?
I sure do.
So?
So...
daddy bear took her
out of the show, and she quit.
Quit? You quit. It was that easy
for you to walk away.
First little bump in the road,
and Mr. Richie's just giving up,
slinking back to his
little Van Nuys world.
I don't think you know
quite what you're talking about.
Nah. I don't know shit.
I know, 'cause my daddy
told me that.
"Merci, just shut up.
Put on a tube top.
Go find yourself a rich man
while you still can."
And for a long time, too long,
I believed him.
But you know what,
Richie?
I am not dumb.
I'm gonna walk out of here
with a serious nest egg...
and open my own
real estate agency in Oahu.
Richie Lanz,
I fought to be a winner,
and I do not have time
for quitters and losers.
I am not a loser.
I am a quitter.
If you really know talent,
and you really know that Salima's
gonna win her way into the next round,
then do something.
Figure something out, man.
I don't know.
But win, goddamn it.
God, you are really crazy about me,
aren't you?
I am your partner with this girl,
but I bet on you, Richie.
Not her. You.
And you better
deliver me my 30%.
I got an idea.
Of course you do, hon.
It's a million-to-one shot.
But so...
were the Bay City Rollers.
Hey. As-salaam alaikum.
Alaikum salaam.
What do you say we keep
Salima on the ballot?
What?
Well, who actually knows that she quit?
I mean, officially.
I know.
My staff knows.
Okay, but they don't know,
right?
On TV last night...
there was her name on the ballot
with a phone number to call. Yes.
You know, if you haven't officially
removed her from the ballot, don't.
She's risked her life.
Come on.
It'd be great for her village,
for her family, for her people,
the nation, the world,
women everywhere.
Maybe.
You know, probably.
But I found this girl in a cave.
And I heard her, and...
I just got to know, man.
I just got to know.
And don't you wanna know?
I already know.
This conversation
never happened, okay?
Salima!
Salima!
Salima!
[ WOMAN SINGING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
[ CONTINUES ]
[ SHOUTING ]
[ HORNS HONKING ]
[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
[ DAOUD SPEAKING DARI ]
You okay? Oh, I think
I'm bleeding somewhere.
I am going to brain this guy.
Salima Khan! Salima Khan!
[ CHEERING ]
[ GUNSHOTS ]
[ TARIQ SHOUTING IN PASHTO ]
Salima Khan!
Salima Khan!
[ FADES ]
Salima Khan!
Salima Khan!
Salima Khan! Salima Khan!
She did it! You did it!
We're in!
What?
Salima Khan! Salima Khan!
Salima Khan!
[ WOMAN VOCALIZING ]
Technically, the daddy
did threaten to cut off my head.
That was before his lambkin
made it to the final round.
Hey, he will put your head
on a spike.
Come on. Babe, please.
Face-to-face? I own him.
Everything all right?
I have to go to work.
Work?
But you said that you retired.
You-You said
you discovered Madonna.
I don't have a choice.
None.
So you're just gonna have to
trust me on this, Richie.
Or not.
What kind of warlord
throws a pool party on a weekday?
So... you wanna
say something?
- Yeah.
- Okay. Say it.
What is a beauty like you
doing with a goof like me?
You never heard
of "a Merci fuck"?
[ HORN HONKS ]
[ HONKING ]
May I ask you one favor?
Okay.
Don't do the Marilyn
wig thing with the scarves.
Just save that for us.
I feel like that was our special deal.
I will see you tomorrow.
I have a lot of emotion
tied into it.
[ BRIAN ] We are returning to the
picturesque Pashtun village.
Although without backup.
But this time
for twice my initial fee.
You need a hook,
Mr. Bombay.
There's a million
mercenary memoirs out there.
I'm sorry.
This is what I do.
Yeah. What you do
is talk shit.
[ CELL PHONE: RINGTONE ]
I could get you
in a bidding situation.
[ RIZA ]
Miss Merci.
House of pain.
Me and this Pashtun girl,
we're in the hot tub with two guys.
Oh, Lord.
With Azam Ghol
and this... this Nizar.
All right. Just give me
the gory details.
Richie, shut up.
Listen to me.
Those bullets that
you sold to Salima's father...
I don't know
if they're, like, bad.
They won't fire.
They're old.
Richie, it was all a setup.
Do you hear me?
You delivered
the bad bullets for them.
They used you, Richie.
You were the fucking patsy.
And Nizar's gonna kill Salima.
He's a crazy man.
He kept screaming about it.
She's, like, a whore,
an infidel, whatever.
And you put her on TV,
Richie.
They're gonna fucking kill her.
They're gonna kill her father,
take over the village,
and you've got to do something.
Do you get it?
Thanks for the tip, honey.
See you soon. Gotta go.
Richie? Richie?
Slight change of plans.
Let's go back to Kabul.
What?
We're not gonna go get her?
What?
Your handshake is your word.
You shook her hand.
You tell Salima
that your word is bond.
Richie,
you are her manager.
Shit.
Stop.
What?
Just stop the car.
Stop. Stop!
[ ENGINE STOPS ]
Hey! The fuck?
What's happening?
What the hell?
I never discovered Madonna.
[ RIZA ]
What?
I never handled
a real headliner.
I did have Eddie Money, but it was back
when he was Eddie Mahoney.
It was long before
"Two Tickets To Paradise."
I made a few bucks.
I nailed a couple
of hot publicists.
But I also gave up
a daughter I love.
But, gentlemen,
Riza is right.
There are four
sacred bonds in this life:
A parent and child,
a husband and wife,
a priest and confessor...
and manager-talent.
What about doctor-patient?
[ RIZA ]
Or lawyer-client.
Not sacred.
[ SIGHS ]
Now, Salima...
is my act.
She's mine.
I am her manager.
And my act needs me.
Now.
[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
[ RIZA ]
"You stole my daughter."
Yes. But you raised her.
[ RIZA TRANSLATING ]
And you raised her...
- to honor and celebrate...
- [ RIZA TRANSLATING ]
your family,
your country and your God.
[ RIZA TRANSLATING ]
And if you didn't truly believe that,
wouldn't she be dead by now?
[ RIZA TRANSLATING ]
[ SPITS ]
Hang on. It gets worse.
[ SHOUTS IN PASHTO ]
Understandable.
We are your only chance.
"We?"
Yeah.
There is no "we."
I'm done with you.
That's enough.
When were you going to tell me?
Was it a big surprise or something?
Something you were gonna
spring on me?
It just hit me.
This is your killer hook.
This is your final chapter
of your best-selling book, right here.
Oh, my book. My book.
You mean my posthumous book.
The one that you're gonna make
all the money off of...
after these guys shoot me
about a thousand times?
There is no deal, Hollywood.
[ RICHIE ] All right. All right.
I never do this.
If you ever tell anyone I did this,
I'll deny it.
But I'm gonna cut my fee.
There'll be no Richie 35
on this one.
There'll be Richie 15,
and we're still both gonna do great.
Because this is golden.
Brian, you don't
wanna be the guy...
that left the Alamo.
You are a piece of work.
Thank you.
My posthumous book...
I wonder what you'll call it.
Chief, this is for you.
[ RIZA SPEAKS DARI ]
[ BRIAN SPEAKS DARI ]
In that truck is all the ammunition
you will ever need.
- [ RIZA TRANSLATING ]
- And my bullets work.
- Now come on back here with me.
- [ RIZA TRANSLATING ]
[ CHATTERING IN PASHTO ]
[ BRIAN ] That's for you. Brand new.
There you go.
Careful with that.
[ CHATTERING IN PASHTO ]
[ WOMAN SPEAKING PASHTO ]
[ MAN SPEAKING PASHTO ]
- Thanks for not killing me.
- [ RIZA TRANSLATING ]
[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
What did he say?
The day is not over yet.
Pretty good.
[ WIND WHISTLING ]
Richie.
Hi.
In all the excitement,
I forgot to congratulate you.
[ SALIMA CHUCKLES ]
You won.
I told you.
Yeah.
And that was nothing.
I had a killer arrangement
for the finals.
Strings. Gospel choir.
Wall of sound. Huge.
You would have won in a walk.
Salima, honey,
you were the best I ever heard.
You saw it all.
Well...
[ CHUCKLES ] Except for this part.
Richie, this, right now...
This will be the best part.
The dying part?
[ CHUCKLES ] Not the dying part.
The living.
You... You folks
from the mystic East...
have a much better handle
on the whole karma, life/death thing.
Rumi writes,
"There's a candle in your heart,
ready to be kindled."
There's a void in your soul,
ready to be filled.
"You feel it, don't you?"
Richie.
You will.
I...
I promise
you will feel it.
[ VOCALIZING ]
[ VOCALIZING CONTINUES ]
[ MAN ]
Mama, take this badge off of me
I can't use it anymore
It's getting dark,
too dark to see
I feel I'm knocking
on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knocking
on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knocking
on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knocking
on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knocking
on heaven's door
This is nuts!
I'm not a fighter.
I'm a deal maker.
I'm gonna go make a deal.
You just gotta love this guy.
[ CHUCKLES ]
These guys have no idea
what they're up against.
Let me do the talking.
Knock yourself out.
- [ TARIQ SPEAKS PASHTO ]
- [ RIZA ] "What are you doing?"
I'm representing.
I'm here to negotiate.
And you?
[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
"We are here to kill all unbelievers
and the whore who sings."
Okay. I'm hearing you.
More of a deal breaker
than a negotiation.
Let's get serious. What's it gonna
take for all of this to go away?
[ SPEAKING PASHTO ]
[ RIZA ]
"Kill him. Kill this fool now."
Okay. Very quickly.
A key is to know what the other guy wants.
You are a warlord.
You want war, I suppose.
Money. Power.
Maybe opium.
And in an ideal world...
you'd like CIA and Taliban to both
pay you to sell out your own country.
You're a warlord.
[ GUNFIRE CONTINUES ]
[ BRIAN ]
Stand down! Stand down!
[ MEN SHOUTING IN PASHTO ]
Anybody else wanna see
how real bullets work?
Richie, you're all right.
It's a flesh wound.
Walk it off. Let's go.
[ VOCALIZING ]
[ SALIMA ]
Now I've been happy lately
Thinking about
the good things to come
And I believe it could be
Something good has begun
Oh, I've been smiling lately
Dreaming about the world
as one
And I believe it could be
Someday it's going to come
Cause out on
the edge of darkness
There rides a peace train
Oh, peace train,
take this country
Come take me home again
Now I've been smiling lately
Thinking about
the good things to come
And I believe it could be
Something good has begun
Oh, peace train
sounding louder
Glide on the peace train
Oh-ah-ay-ah-oh-ah
Come on now, peace train
Yes, peace train,
holy roller
Everyone jump up
on the peace train
Oh-ah-ay-ah-oh-ah
Come on now, peace train
Come and join the living
It's not so far from you
And it's getting nearer
Soon it will all be true
Peace train sounding louder
Glide on the peace train
Oh-ah-ay-ah-oh-ah
Come on now, peace train
I've been crying lately
Thinking about the world
as it is
Why must we go on hating?
Why can't we live in bliss?
'Cause out on
the edge of darkness
There rides a peace train
Oh, peace train,
take this country
Come take me home again
Peace train, holy roller
Everyone jump up
on the peace train
Oh-ah-ay-ah-oh-ah
Come on now, peace train
Oh-ah-ay-ah-oh-ah
Come on, come on,
peace train
[ MAN ]
Peace train, holy roller
Everyone jump up
on the peace train
Hoo-ah-eeh-ah-hoo-ah
Come on, come on, come on
Let's come on,
peace train, oh
[ CHEERING ]
Hoo-ah-eeh-ah-hoo-ah
Come on, peace train
The peace train
Come on, peace train
No. No, I don't, uh...
Thank you.
I don't want string.
I don't use string. Okay?
Do I look like...
Do I look like I use string?
No, I want this thing here.
I want the animal. Okay?
Come on. For my kid.
For my girl.
Let's take a look.
Come on.
All right, what you got
to have for this, five bucks?
It's made in Taiwan.
You didn't make this.
You didn't make this.
This was made by Chinese people in Taiwan.
Five bucks good? We good?
[ SPEAKING DARI ]
If you're saying 10 bucks,
I'm sorry.
'Cause I only got five bucks.
It's all I got.
You can't do it for five?
[ SPEAKING DARI ]
Here, man, take it.
I'll find somewhere else
for five, I promise you.
[ SPEAKING DARI ]
It's what I got. It's all I got.
[ SPEAKING DARI ] Thank you so much.
Thanks. Appreciate it.
That's great. That'll be...
All right, give me some string.
Give me some... Here, I found
five more bucks. Give me...
Well, that's ugly. Give me...
Give me that blue one.
Which one...
I don't need all of this.
Which one's better?
This one?
Give me...
That one's clean.
Now it's mixed in there. That's the color.
Which one's better, this or this?
Which one?
I'm taking that one.
Between these two. [ SPEAKING DARI ]
Ah. Ah.
I just wanna take
one of these.
I want two of these.
This one or this one?
This one?
I got that one. Here.
[ MUFFLED ] This one or this one?
[ SPEAKING DARI ]
I'm gonna decide
on my own.
I've already put this one in my mouth.
I'm keeping that one.
And that reminds me of someone,
and this is brand new and mysterious.
So you keep that one.
We'll call it square.
[ SPEAKING DARI ]
Oh.
Okay.