1
[announcer] The next President
of the United States of America,
Rodney Carrington!
[crowd cheering]
- Hello!
Welcome.
Thanks for clapping.
There was a time in my life
when people didn't clap.
Little League.
[laughter]
I remember walking to
the batter's box with a bat,
you know, and out of the
corner of my eye
I can see behind the back stop
there, parents going,
"Dah, fuck!
Ah, shit. Get your
lawn chair, Rodney's back.
Let's get a snow cone and go
and sit in the car, Earl."
Dead to the house.
Well, it's nice to be here.
I wore my Garanimals.
It's got the giraffe
on the back
that matches the giraffe
on the pants.
As I get older,
that's what I wear.
Is anybody winning?
MAN: No!
- Okay, all right, the truth.
I hear ya. It's fun out there.
You haven't reached that point
where you're walking around,
you know,
at the end of the night
where you're, like,
oh, shit.
Then you get on
the elevator, you know,
and you've had too much to drink
and then when the doors close
there's that mirror
on the doors
and you're looking at yourself.
What the fuck
were you thinking?
[laughter]
Fuckin'
stupid ass.
And you start having
that conversation with you
all the way up to the room
and you're walking
in the hallway
and you notice somebody didn't
eat all their room service.
That's a bad night
right there.
Oh my God.
I was in Las Vegas
about two weeks ago.
What happened
to that damn place?
Every time I leave there,
I feel like I need to
go sit near a fireplace
in Christmas weather
and read a children's book.
I just feel so nasty.
Oh, God.
Can't even come out
of an elevator out there
without a hooker going,
"Want some company?"
Oh, good gracious, for
the fifth night in a row, lady!
Yes.
[laughter]
I didn't know you was
working again tonight.
I see you got the same dress
you had on last night.
Obviously,
you haven't showered.
C'mon, you can shower
in my room, c'mon.
'Cause hookers make you skip.
My wife hates that town.
My wife goes to church
on Sunday and takes the kids.
I go when I'm home
but it's difficult, you know.
You spend 21 years
singing songs about your wiener,
kinda hard to
bounce into church on Sunday
and act like
everything's okay.
Morning.
God bless you.
That's him, right there.
Don't sit next to him,
you'll burst into flames.
That's him.
I mean, I'd go to church
when I was little.
We'd go at Easter.
We all go at Easter,
otherwise you go to hell.
Seriously, my mom
would wake us up,
"Get up,
we're goin' to church."
"We never go to church."
"Get your ass out of bed,
it's Easter.
It's Jesus's birthday.
Let's go!"
"Ain't Jesus's birthday
in December?"
"That's exactly why
we need to go to church.
Nobody in this damn house
knows when the hell
Jesus's birthday is.
Do not test me this early,
Rodney Scott.
I will bust your ass."
"Fine. Go to church."
When you ain't been to church
in a while,
it's like showing up
at a karate class
and everybody else
has a black belt
and you're wearing a thong
and a pair of flip flops.
You don't fit in for nothing.
"Hi, how you doing?"
You know?
And ain't it funny
how we worry
about what people think
when we go to church?
You know, I'll be getting
dressed up,
my wife will say,
"What you dressing up for?"
"Hell, I don't want people think
we don't come all the time."
"Well, we don't go
all the time."
"Well, yeah, hell, but
I don't want 'em thinkin' that."
You know, I can remember being
a little bit at my aunt's house,
just mass chaos.
"Goddammit, get your shirt on,
we're gonna be late
for church, shit."
Then when we get to church,
she's like,
"Oh my God,
good to see you, sister.
God bless you."
"Who are you?"
We started going
about three years ago.
I actually enjoy it.
The guy who talks,
he's funny, you know,
and but I remember
when we first went.
I remember the first night,
the first Sunday we went.
I remember the preacher going,
"Who in here
knows the story of Abraham?"
You know,
with that voice, you know,
that scares the
shit out of you.
I was sitting there, you know?
You know, you don't
hear that anywhere else.
You ever pull up
to a drive-through,
"What can I get you to eat?"
"Shit, nothing,
I'm scared."
I remember him asking
this question, you know,
and I remember everybody
around me raising their hand
and I went,
"Oh, God. All right."
And with my hand in the air,
it dawned on me
I can't even tell
the truth in church!
If this is a point system,
I'm in last place.
And I never felt
comfortable, you know?
I never felt good enough.
I thought, "God, I'm not as good
as these people.
I can't be coming in here
every week."
Since then, I found out
none of them people
are worth shit either.
That's why we all go.
So the next weekend
rolls around.
My wife-- I've already decided
I'm getting out of this somehow.
She says, "You going to church
with us?"
I said, "No, honey, I'm gonna
clean out the fence line.
It's getting awful hairy
out there.
Why don't you just
take the boys
and you can just tell me
what he said
when you come back,
can't you?"
She went, "Okay."
But I've been married to her
for 17 years
and I know when she goes,
"Okay,"
that does not mean that
shit is okay.
That means, "You do what you
just said you're gonna do
and later on this afternoon
there's gonna be a pretty heavy
ass-chewing coming your way."
But I pretended like
it is a regular "okay,"
and went, "Okay, good."
And then I walked out
to the pasture
and I watched her drive away
with the kids in the Suburban
and instantly
I started feeling guilty.
"Good God, I should have
gone to church
and been a good example
for the boys."
And I'm imagining
what's going on up there.
Preacher walking up to 'em,
"Where's your daddy
this morning?"
"Mom says he's going to hell."
You know,
all this shit's
going through my head.
Ended up catching poison ivy.
I mean, I was hugging it.
I was chopping it down.
Wouldn't have been any worse
if I'd have just
laid down in it naked.
It was on my stomach, my back,
it was in the crack of my ass.
Was like I found it,
and pulled my pants down
and went,
"Hey, poison ivy,
let me sit on it,
get it in my ass
real good like that."
I don't know
how you get poison ivy
in your ass crack that deep,
but somehow I managed to
make it happen.
And if you ever get it
in there like that,
you won't go near the woods
'til there's a hard freeze.
You could be being chased
by a pack of Indians
through a open field
and just come up
on some woods and go,
"Ho! You've gonna
have to throw that spear,
Chief Running Beaver,
I ain't going in
that shit.
I got poison ivy
in my butt hole last summer
and I guess today
you're gonna have to
fuck off."
So that evening,
I was in the bedroom
putting cortisone cream
all over my body
and I made the mistake
of putting a little bit of it
down in the crack of my ass.
Don't put cortisone cream
in the crack of your ass.
It's worse than having poison
ivy in the crack of your ass.
You try to wipe it out
and all you're doing
is rubbing it in.
It just goes downhill
from there.
My wife was in bed,
reading a magazine
and it seemed like she was
getting a kick out of all this.
"Well, I guess if you'd have
gone to church,
[laughter]
God wouldn't have given you
all that poison ivy, huh?"
I said, "Oh, you think
God's got that kind of time,
is that what you think?
What, you think
he's sitting up in heaven
at a big golden desk,
dealing with all the
big issues in the world
with his whole staff.
Let's get them kids in Africa
some food and water.
It's shameful
we let it get this bad."
Somebody runs in
and interrupts him.
"Hey, God."
"What is it?"
"Sorry to bother you, sir.
We know you're busy.
We just thought
you might wanna know
we just saw Rodney Carrington
skipping church.
We saw him 20 minutes ago
cleaning out the fence line.
What would you like to do?"
"You give that
little bastard poison ivy.
Make sure it gets down
in the crack of his ass.
And call me, let me know
how he likes
that shit.
We'll see if his ass
skips church next Sunday."
I said,
"Is that how it happened?"
She says, "All I know is
you didn't go to church,
you got poison ivy."
I said,
"Well, you go every Sunday
and you got hemorrhoids
and I could make a case...
I could make a case,
I'm winning on this deal."
She's got 'em. Well, she's got
one that I know of.
I saw it by accident
about a week ago in the shower.
[gagging]
Heavens, I had to get
a pocket knife to get that out.
"Come here.
Turn around.
Turn. Bend over
and turn around.
Come here."
That's how Clint Eastwood
used to handle it.
My wife, we were in Walgreens
the other night
and she needed suppositories
because apparently
they bring relief
to hemorrhoid patients
and this is all we were
getting, you know?
And she's embarrassed.
She goes, "I am not
buying these," you know?
I go, "Gimme these.
Good God."
And I'm walking
to the counter with 'em
and I stop to get some M&M,
try to cover up
what I was getting.
There are still certain things
that are embarrassing to buy,
you know? Rubbers.
I've been married 17 years,
I'm not fixed,
I buy rubbers, you know?
I'm not getting fixed.
They say it clogs up
your arteries.
I'd rather have more kids
than die early
and have 'em cut me open and go,
"Holy shit,
he's clogged up.
Look, sperm everywhere.
Good God almighty," you know?
"It's amazing he lived
as long as he did.
Shit it's everywhere."
Gonna be a long ride home
for you boys
that already been fixed today.
"Do you think he's right
about that shit?
I mean, hell, they're
swimming around in there.
Shit's alive,
they're like tadpoles.
They could turn
into frogs, shit.
My arm's getting numb.
I'm scared right now."
So I'm trying to pay for
these suppositories, right?
Be a good husband,
'cause I love her.
I love this woman.
There's six people behind her
and she starts
rubbing my shoulder.
She said, "These are gonna
make you feel so much better."
Wha--?
What the fuck?
You better be talkin'
about them M&Ms,
is what you better
be talkin' about."
You can't slap your wife
in a Walgreen's
when there's that many people
standing in there.
She was laughing so hard,
her eyes were watering.
You know?
See, that's the kind of woman
I'm married to, right there.
Try to love her,
do the right thing
and she just breaks it off
in your ass in a Walgreen.
I'm lucky to have her.
I talked to her
about 30 minutes ago.
She's helping out
the church tonight.
Saturday night,
she goes up there
and does a coffee cart
thing, you know?
And we go to this big
Christian church.
Christianity's a good religion
if you're still searching.
It's based on love
and forgiveness.
You can walk up to that door
and go, "God, forgive me,"
and he will,
unless you're Catholic
and then you gotta wait
'til Sunday
and you go in a closet
with a stranger.
You know?
[cheering]
They cheering about?
Don't you think that's odd
that you need a middle man
to talk to God?
I mean, how about
if you messed up?
"Can you tell him so he don't
kill me right off the bat?"
"Look, ma'am,
just do 15 pushups.
We'll forget it ever happened."
"I better do 20.
There's some stuff
I didn't tell you."
Oh, hell.
There's other religions
that aren't that attractive.
Radical Islam, you gotta
blow yourself up in that group
and that's too big
of a commitment for me,
I don't-- you imagine
being in their group
and them hollering out
your number?
"Nineteen!"
"Listen, fellas,
I'm a little nervous.
I might have to shit
before I do this.
Stomach's upset.
You want me to go in that
7-Eleven and blow myself up
and kill all those people
and what if it's a dud
and it just blows my arm off
and I gotta fight
all those pissed off people
I just got through
trying to kill?
I'm gonna have a difficult time
on my hands,
trying to defend myself
with one arm.
I'm just askin',
have we thought this
shit through?"
I went online to see
what motivates these idiots,
you know? Fellas.
Let me back up,
I don't wanna get 'em riled up.
They'll ride up next to you
on a Huffy bicycle
with a backpack and,
with the press of a button,
just [blowing raspberry]
all over.
I guess I'm the only fool
that thinks like this.
You live in American,
some little small town
somewhere around here,
you're walking
through the mall,
you see a Middle Eastern man
with a backpack,
you ain't, like,
"What the fuck!
Kids, get over here.
Honey, get over here
behind this damn trashcan.
Right there,
shit.
Get over here and sit--
he's right there,
he's walking over here.
Shit, quit
staring at him.
Shit Hi!
Shit, he just went in
Abercrombie.
Y'all wanna just go get
a big cookie and go home?"
This is what they think
if they blow themselves
up for Allah
and kill a bunch of us.
That's who they worship.
I dunno his last name,
I couldn't find it.
Jackson.
Allah Jackson.
Allah Alan Jackson.
I made that up.
See people driving home,
"That's awful about
Alan Jackson, isn't it?"
Some of this is bullshit.
What I'm fixin'
to tell you, ain't.
This is what they're thinkin'.
I'm not talkin'
about all Muslims,
for all you Muslims
that are in here tonight,
'cause God knows
I got a big following of 'em.
I'm huge in Egypt.
Is that where they're from?
Nah, I dunno.
I'm talking about the ones
that are...
he just turned into
a bird and flew away.
Did you see
that shit?
They think if they blow
themselves up for Allah
and kill a bunch of us,
simply because we don't agree,
which makes no sense,
"I kill you, ha, ha.
And I kill me too."
"Whatever, dumb-ass."
They think in their afterlife,
they're promised
72 virgins and a crown.
You can get a crown
at Burger King where I live.
Number 2 combo,
they'll hand you one
right over the counter.
Then I read further.
It said a crown, of which
one stone in this crown's
worth more than
anything in this world
and there's several stones
in this crown.
What they're promised
is money and girls.
What they don't know is
if they learn how to play
the guitar real good,
they can have all that here.
Yeah.
[cheering and laughter]
Without the possibility
of blowing yourself up
and getting to
wherever you think you're going
and realizing your religion
just might be
a big old crock of
horse shit.
'Cause let's think about this
for just a second.
Seventy-two virgins.
Where's the incentive in that?
You ever tried to get
in a virgin's pants?
You can't.
[laughing] You can't.
You can't!
It's a 12-month courtship,
you gotta meet her parents,
promise to marry her
and even then,
there's no guarantees
and you gotta do it 72 times.
That's eternity?
Shit, that sounds like
a lot of work!
You promise me
one real horny girl,
really knows what she's doing,
I might blow off a little toe
with a firecracker.
I said I might,
I didn't say I would.
Where do they get these girls?
What'd they do to deserve this?
"Congratulations, missy.
You've lived a life of purity.
Now you're gonna spend
eternity as a sex slave.
You and 71 other women,
just like yourself,
are gonna be sharing one pecker
and it's gonna be attached to
that lunatic right over there.
Merry Christmas."
Seems like somebody
would have asked that question
at the meeting
before that organization
ever really got kicked off.
I wonder how they're gonna feel
when they kill themselves
with a bomb in some town square
and go to wherever they're going
and none of that
shit happens.
Somebody just hands 'em
a candy apple.
"There you go."
"What the fuck
is this?"
That sounded kind of
Mexican, didn't it?
Well, I don't know
how they talk, shit.
"What the fuck
is this?"
[laughing]
"Hold on there, Jos,
before you go getting sideways.
It's a candy apple
and they're delicious.
Course, that one's been
sitting out for about 12 hours.
You're gonna have a tough time
chewing through
that son-of-a-bitch.
There's a big dragon
in the corner.
In about 30 minutes,
he's gonna come over here
and stick his dick
in your butt."
I made that last part up.
I don't know if that happens.
Sounds appropriate.
That'd be a far cry
from 72 virgins
and a crown, wouldn't it?
You're like,
"Oh, shit.
Jesus!
Nobody told me about
this shit."
"We tried to tell you
it was bullshit, dumb-ass."
Dragon and a candy apple.
Somebody heard wrong.
Not virgins and a crown,
dragon and candy apple.
Yes. I'm married.
Not to a virgin.
I don't claim to have
had anything to do with
taking care of that either.
She was way too talented
when I met her.
"Good Lord,
you're real good at this.
Would you like to get married
in the morning?"
I love my wife.
I'm fortunate.
I've been married 17 years.
I didn't always
appreciate my wife.
I learned to appreciate her.
But you know,
when you meet somebody and,
let me explain to you,
I didn't meet my wife
at a college.
She wasn't sitting
on the bench
with a sweater
around her shoulders
with perfectly cropped hair
reading a book.
We didn't take long walks
and listed to Air Supply,
"Here I am, the one-- "
you know,
none of that shit
happened.
I walked up to my wife
in a Holiday Inn lounge in 1993
and said, "I'm gonna get you
pregnant and marry you."
She said, "You're an idiot."
And three months later,
she was pregnant
and we got married.
Now, I don't recommend
that kind of courtship.
It comes with
a lot of heartache.
But we didn't know each other.
We didn't know each other.
I didn't plan ahead.
I didn't think anything past
the fact that she's pregnant
and I'm--
we've gotta get married.
That's all there is to it.
And so, you know,
I didn't know what it was like
to live with a woman for
any length of time, you know?
You ever walk up on a cat
and it goes, [hissing]?
Five to seven days
out of the month
that happens at my house
and we don't have a cat.
But I sympathize
after 17 years of marriage,
watching it.
If I had a spot on my body
that just bled
for no apparent reason
and I had to carry around
a wound kit,
some gauze pads and Neosporin
and doctor myself,
I might be pissy too, you know?
I feel dirty.
Sitting in a Chili's
trying to order.
"Shit, I'm bleeding.
Get me a tea.
I'll be back."
I wouldn't make it as a woman.
It'd take two weeks
and I'd just sew my
shit shut, gone, zero.
Pussy be gone.
I'd just be a good helper.
I could help you
load the toolbox
or make you some biscuits.
She'd have to cuddle
with the dog.
Physically,
we're not the same.
Not after 17 years,
but you know what?
I didn't plan on that.
I didn't think that far ahead.
I didn't think we'd change.
I didn't know
that at some point
our relationship would truly
be about love and companionship
and it will be some day
'cause we're gonna get so
disgusted in one another naked
that we're just gonna
look at each other and go,
"D'you wanna just get dressed
and go eat some'n?"
"I'll see you at the car."
"All right."
You know,
but while we're still
somewhat attractive
to one another,
I'd like to do it
a little more often.
And my wife will say things
to me like,
"Well, I wanted to do it
the other night.
You didn't."
Where was I?
When?
"When my foot touched
your foot."
What?
When your foot
touched my foot?
Was my foot supposed to tap
my wiener on the shoulder?
[cheering]
What the hell
kind of hint is that?
You crawl into bed
in them Pawpaw pajamas,
you look like a boy.
You look like a damn boy!
I can't get excited
when you look like a boy."
She has a pouch.
After three kids,
you have a pouch.
You know what I know
about that pouch?
You can't grab it.
And it's hard not to do
in cold weather, ain't it boys?
You get into bed with your wife
and you reach round.
Oh, it's hard
not to reach around there
and grab that pouch.
But when you do,
just know, you know.
It's like when you grab
a woman's pouch,
it's like saying, "Hey, fatty!
What's up there, fat stuff?
Won't you run in the kitchen and
get ya a pop tart there, fatty."
Women hate that shit.
That is a no-sex penalty
right there.
"Grabbing the pouch, 12-yard
walk to the guest room.
No sex, 4th down."
[cheering]
You can't even put your arm
above her pouch,
'cause her boobs
are down there now.
Your best bet is just throw
your arm around her shoulder
and pet it.
"God bless you. Goodnight.
I love ya.
See you in the morning."
You know?
And there's sex penalty--
you know,
a woman can hold sex
from a man, you know?
"You ain't gettin' any! Huh!"
We don't have that ability,
you know?
We can't get pissed off
and go, "Well!
I hope you don't mind your
vagina being empty for a while!"
There's nothing
but evoke laughter.
How long d'you think it'd last
even if we did say it?
"Hope you don't mind your vagina
being empty for a while."
All she'd have to do
is go, "Oh, yeah?
What do you think about those?"
"Well, hell, I guess
we can hold off on that road
for just a little while."
We don't have that chip.
There's gotta be compromise
in a marriage, you know?
There's always temptation.
That's gonna be
with you everywhere.
But if you got compromise,
you can withstand it.
If you don't, you'll run off
and just fuck your
whole life up.
You will.
Some people
don't know any better
but temptation
goes all the way back
to when we were kids.
Remember when you were little,
mama would take you
to the ice-cream store
and get you a plain cone
with one scoop of vanilla.
Remember how happy you were?
"I love vanilla.
Thanks, mama."
Don't you just love
the way kids move around?
I love that
shit.
I wish we all
still did that, you know?
Get a coffee.
You know? Look at my shoes!
They make me run fast!
You're standing there
with your little plain cone
with a little single
scoop of vanilla
and another kid passes you
with a big old
double scoop of chocolate,
Oreos drizzled all over it.
"What the hell?
I want some of that."
And that's like marriage.
After a while,
you're walking
with your little
single scoop of vanilla
that in the beginning
you were real happy with.
And another guy passes you
with a big old
double scoop of chocolate.
Two M&Ms placed perfect.
"What the hell?
I want some of that."
And what you don't understand
is underneath that
double scoop of chocolate
is a shallow old walnut.
It'll give you
food poisoning
and might put a wart
on your pecker.
You gotta learn to be happy
with your vanilla.
You only got two choices.
Stick around,
grow old with that person.
Be that couple people look at,
"Oh, my God, look at 'em.
They've been together forever.
That's so romantic."
And the man'll tell you,
"No, that fella just gave up.
He's wearing a bib
and eating potatoes.
He can't even count to 7.
He doesn't sign
the checks anymore."
Or you can run off.
Find you a 25-year-old woman
with big old fake boobs.
You know how much
in common I've got
with a 25-year-old woman?
Fuckin' nothing!
Absolutely nothing.
I'm not gonna lie to you,
maybe for 20 minutes
I'd be going,
"I can't believe I'm here.
I can't fuckin'--
I can't believe that."
But afterwards, she start
talking, "Well, it's like--"
"Shut the fuck
up, all right?
Don't ruin this."
I can't, you know?
And believe it or not,
most of the time,
I like just sitting
and talking.
I enjoy my wife's
company, you know?
I'm used to all the shit
I don't like about her.
Think about that.
Do you really wanna go
get used to all the shit
you don't like
about somebody else?
It takes too
fuckin' long.
You know what?
She knows what I like.
We can go eat breakfast
somewhere.
I go, "I'm gonna go
to the bathroom."
When I come back,
she's ordered for me.
You know why?
'Cause she fuckin'
knows me, that's why.
I don't wanna just do that
shit over again.
I'm seven years--
we went through
all the bullshit,
the fightin', the arguin'.
Seven years into our marriage,
she filed for a divorce
and said, "I'm leaving."
I go, "I'm going with you."
You take half the stuff,
I'll get the other half
and follow you.
They can't leave you
if you go with 'em, fellas.
Even a restraining order,
what you got to be, like,
100 yards away?
"I'd help you with
those groceries but I can't.
You look pretty.
I fuckin'
love you!
Hi, kids.
Pick you up on Friday.
What the fuck
you looking at?
See you tomorrow."
There's people like that.
You know who they are.
Usually hang out at
the swimming area at the lake.
Got a '82 TransAm
with a T-top mess.
About 6'3", got 24-inch waist,
two kids, not married anymore.
Owns a Frisbee,
smokes Pall Malls.
Loves Foghat.
[gagging]
Got two floaties in the back
from Walgreens,
one's got a hole in it.
You people are getting pissed.
"You son-of-a-bitch, you keep
talkin' about me like that,
I'm gonna come up there and whup
your fuckin' ass."
Oh, hell.
You know, that's what can happen
in a marriage.
How many people
you know that, like,
bounce from marriage
to marriage
to girlfriend to boyfriend?
"Well, you know, my life's
bullshit, must be her.
And then they run off
and they find somebody else.
Then they just keep bouncing
from, you know,
one to the next
and they blame everybody else.
Eventually,
they're just old and ugly
and live in a trailer
by themselves
out in the middle of
the fuckin' woods,
staring off there,
eating their potatoes,
wearing a bib, wishing they had
their fuckin' pouch back.
That's sad.
Don't be that guy
or that woman.
Quickest way to fix
all that shit,
get out of the shower
tomorrow morning,
if you think your marriage
is falling apart
and look at yourself
naked in the mirror.
"Doh, thank God,
I'm married.
Heavens, I wouldn't
stand a chance right now.
I can't even see my little
wiener unless we meet halfway.
'Hey, little fella.'"
"Hi, Rodney. Hi.
It sure is lonely down here."
"I know, little buddy.
Maybe one day
we'll make a run for it."
"I sure hope it's soon.
I've been unhappy
for a long time."
"You hang in there,
little buddy."
"I will."
[]
Why is it sad
This life I must lead
I wish for a moment
That I could be free
To make a choice
For once on my own
How I wish
He'd leave me alone
Why was I blessed
With something so small?
I pull down my pants
There's shock
And there's awe
All the girls
They mock me and laugh
He's no fun when
We're taking a bath
It's true
We've been together
Through good times and bad
Now that I'm married
It seems that he's sad
I'd like someone new if
You think there's a chance
Is there a chance,
is there?
Stop thinking that nonsense
Get back in my pants
Well, I guess
we could go fishing.
And that's what you do,
you go fishing.
Tiger Woods
should have gone fishing.
[cheering]
Tiger Woods.
Isn't it easy to pick on Tiger?
You know, in the beginning
he left that phone message,
he goes, "Hey, listen,
my wife got a hold
of my phone last night.
I think she found your number
so if she calls you, act stupid.
It's me, Tiger."
Don't leave your name, Tiger.
Not on a message.
Nobody else is named Tiger.
If your name was Jeff,
you might could have explained
that shit away.
You know,
here's the deal, ain't it?
You know, when I see
things like that,
not just Tiger but anybody
who lives their life
in the public, you know,
and they make a horrible choice,
first thing I thought
about Tiger was, "God, man,
he's got kids, a wife and, man,
that's awful, you know?"
Then I think, "God, I'm glad
that ain't me, you know?"
Just think about the one thing
in your life that you did
where you go,
"Man, I'm so glad
nobody knows
nothing about that."
You know what I mean?
And then think of
a whole bunch of 'em.
Now let's condense it down
into a 2-hour special
and run it on CNN
for about six months.
Let's see how we
all hold up, you know?
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm getting at?
You know? We don't know what
it's like to have $1 billion.
We don't know what it's like
to be the number one golfer
in the world
and play golf at beautiful
exotic places,
prettiest places on earth
and then at 11 o'clock at night
some bar, some woman
runs up to you,
"Mr. Woods, would you like
to come up to my hotel room
and take a look at my vagina?"
"No, I'm married. Back up
and have a little respect."
Tiger didn't do that.
But let's be honest.
How many of us
can say we would?
We don't know because
that kind of fantasy
doesn't happen to us normal
fuckin' people.
I don't know how I'd respond
if some woman ran up to me,
"Mr. Carrington, would you like
to come up to my hotel room
and take a look at my vagina?"
"Really?
I mean, I suppose I could
come up for a little while.
I mean, after all, vagina
is my favorite flavor and all."
I don't know!
What I'm trying to tell you
is the Pope couldn't have
withstood that.
That'd have been a way different
phone call, wouldn't it?
"Hey, listen, it's me.
I left my pointy hat
in the back of your car.
My scepter's in your trunk
and they're asking questions
down here at the Vatican.
I'm in some
pretty deep shit.
This little hat
with the propeller
ain't fooling anybody."
People say, "Tiger Woods
is a role model."
Oh, sheez,
I don't know about that.
You know, I got three boys
and a niece I got custody of.
I take care of 'em.
I don't want any of 'em ever
come up to me and said, "Daddy,
and then asked me a question
and I followed it up with,
"I don't know. Why don't you
go look on the Internet?
See how Tiger
handles it," you know?
And I think the reason why
is 'cause I'm a daddy.
And the second part
is that I love it.
I mean, I really do.
And here's what I know
about it for me, you know?
I mean, I know
that in 100 years,
it don't matter
how much money you make
or what joke I told,
what song you sing,
nobody's gonna give
two shits.
The only thing I can leave
is what I leave with them,
meaning what I instill in them,
what I give to 'em.
And I know a lot of you
are goin',
"How are you a daddy?
Rodney, tell us,
how are you a daddy?"
Let me just be clear.
When I'm at home with my kids,
I don't sit around
the breakfast table and say,
"Y'all wanna hear a little song
about my dick?"
I don't--
I don't do that.
You know what I mean?
But I really love it.
I mean, I maul my children.
I love on 'em, I kiss on--
I kiss my 16-year-old boy
on the lips in the mall.
We looked like a gay couple.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I will tell you,
he doesn't like it that much.
"Don't do that shit,
daddy."
"Don't you ever pull away
from me, boy.
I'll slip you the tongue.
I'm your damn daddy.
You ain't never gonna be too big
for me to hug and kiss on,
you understand me?
'Cause you're my baby.
You're my fuckin'
baby.
I'll hold you down
and lick you all over like mama
but don't you ever pull away
from me."
You know, 'cause they're still
little and I love that boy.
I mean, he's got
a big old heart.
But man, are you stupid
when you're 16
'cause you're at that age
where you're like,
"I could leave home
if I wanted to.
But I'm kind of scared
and I don't have a job
and I don't know where I'd go."
He's in between there,
you know?
And when you talk to him--
He discovered girls
and that's it.
When you talk to him,
he's like--
It's like his penis
is a pirate
and it just took over
the whole ship.
"Hey, I'll be leading this
from here!"
Where are we going?
"Puss Island."
Where's Puss Island?
"Right in the middle
of the ocean.
It's a small patch of land.
In the middle of that land
is a crevice.
In the middle of that crevice
is gold, boy, treasure.
If we get to Puss Island
and the seas are red,
we'll be turning back.
'Tis not a good time
to go to Puss Island.
They'll be a flag up,
we'll see it."
It's not really a flag.
It's more like a little rope.
[laughing]
Whatever you do, boy,
don't pull that rope.
That's why kids need
parents--
to explain that kind of thing.
When my kids were little,
I used to tickle 'em
and I'd say,
"What do you say?"
And they'd go,
"What are we supposed to say?"
I'd say, "You supposed to say,
'I love you, daddy.'"
And I'd tickle 'em
and I'd say, "What do you say?"
And they'd go,
"I love you, daddy!"
And I'd quit.
But I got 'em trained.
I didn't have to tickle 'em.
I could walk in the house
and go, "What do you say, boy?"
He'd go, "I love you, dad."
And I loved that.
It was just our thing,
you know?
And I remember one night
at a steakhouse,
George was four
and he dropped his fork.
Waitress picked it up
and handed it to him.
I said, "What do you
say, boy?"
He said, "I love you, daddy."
[laughing]
I just could have
fuckin' died right there.
I love that shit.
'Cause that's the only thing
that means anything.
You know, I've had to whip
my children
maybe 10 or 20 times
apiece maybe.
And it's violent
but there's an explanation
before and after,
which is different from
how I was raised.
My mother would just
holler my name
and grab whatever was close
and just beat the ever-loving
shit out of me.
And I just had to
figure it out.
Whatever I was doing
just before she did that,
I probably shouldn't
do that shit again.
I had to learn math.
This plus this
equals an ass-whipping.
And I'll give you an example
one afternoon
when I chose to whip
one of my boys.
'Cause it's a decision,
you know?
You don't ever have to
but now I was giving you
an example.
We got a creek
behind our house.
It's eight feet deep
on any given day, right?
And Sam was nine at the time
and George was seven.
And they were down the back
and Sam was trying to hold
George under the water
and drown him and kill him.
And that really don't fly
with me, you know?
If he kills Sam,
I kill him.
I go to prison, my wife's
stuck with the other two.
See how it snowballs
if you let it get out of hand?
So I hear George out there
screaming, "Daddy, help!
Sam's trying to--"
You know?
And I'm in the kitchen
and I walk out
and I hear people--
you know, hear him through
the window, hollering.
You know, I got the window up.
And I walk out there,
see what's going on.
I holler down the hill,
"Sam, stop it.
You're gonna kill him.
Stop that."
"Okay! Okay, dad."
So I walk back
in the house, you know?
I'm in there chopping vegetables
with my wife and we're talking.
Ten minutes goes by.
I hear the same thing,
you know, George out there,
hollering and screaming.
I walk back out there.
I see what's going on.
I said, "Sam,
I told you to stop.
Now quit it.
You're gonna kill him."
He goes, "Okay!"
Who's he talking to?
Must think he's talking--
the neighbors
are hollering at him
'cause it sounded like
he could have thrown a
"Okay, mother-fucker"
on the end of that one.
And I know he ain't talking
to his damn daddy like that.
So I walk back
in the house, you know,
and not long after that,
you know, same thing.
Now George is crying.
Now it's over, right?
I walk out there. I say, "Sam,
let's go. To the couch."
Now "to the couch"
at my house means
negotiations have
broke down with Sam.
Sam's getting his ass whipped.
That has credibility
at my house.
Never has it been spoken
and then not carried out.
And you can tell in the child
I'm speaking to,
their whole attitude changes
when I say, "To the couch."
"No, God, daddy, please.
I'll be good."
They're walking like
I've already whipped 'em.
And you've got to turn away
'cause you can't let your kids
see you laughing
when you're getting ready
to whip 'em.
You have no credibility.
You've gotta get
in the closet,
get the belt,
get your composure.
Think of something.
Grandma's titties
and dead puppies.
So I walk out there
and he's sitting on the couch
and he's crying.
[crying like a kid]
And I ain't even
touched him yet.
And I know what he's thinking.
"When I get big,
I'm gonna kill you."
I said, "I told you twice.
And you just kept
doing it, didn't you?
He's smaller than you.
You know that.
And you just act like
I didn't even say anything,
didn't you?"
"Yes, sir."
"All right, well, stand up,
turn around."
Don't be looking at me
'cause I can't stand this.
I get weak.
I'll start crying.
So I hit him on the butt
three times with the belt
'cause four times feels
like abuse, I don't know why.
Just always has.
And he's much different now.
[desperate cries]
You know, you can't
get away from the pain
when daddy's whipped your ass,
you know what I mean?
Remember that?
That sting?
Like, oh, God,
it won't get off,
you know,
it's like that, you know?
And I said,
"Come here for a second."
I said, "Calm down, Sam."
I said, "Listen to me."
I said, "You know,
when I tell you something,
there's a reason behind it.
You know what I mean?
You could kill him.
You could drown him.
You could hurt him, you know?
And I wouldn't let your older
brother do that to you.
And you ain't gonna
do it to him.
Understand me?
You know I love you."
"I love you too, daddy."
"Now come over here
and give me a kiss.
And go down there
and play with your brother
and don't be drowning him."
Just like that, right?
The next morning,
he walks past me,
getting ready
for school, you know?
And underneath his underwear,
just on his leg,
he has a belt mark, yeah.
I missed his ass.
In the process of disciplining
one of my boys,
I missed his ass
and I hit him on the leg
and it left a belt mark
about that long.
But I felt horrible.
I said, "Sam, I left a mark
on the back of your leg, son."
He said, "What?"
I said, "I left a mark
on the back of your leg."
He said, "It's all right."
I said, "No, it ain't.
I don't do that."
He goes, "I know, daddy."
I said, "Yeah, but I'm sorry."
He said, "It's okay."
I said, "Well, I don't reckon
you're going to school today."
He said, "Why?"
I said, "'Cause I ain't
going to prison
over some shit
you did, that's why.
Now, go get your golf clubs,
we're going to the golf course."
Ain't it a shame
that the bad parents
really screw it up
for us good ones?
George is 12 now, you know?
And he asked me recently
to go on a field trip.
He said, "Dad,
will you be the parent
and come and be
on the field trip
with Miss Temcoe
and the rest of us.
We're going to the zoo."
And I said, "Yeah, I'll go."
It's not like I got
a regular job at home, you know?
You know, I don't go to
Lowes on Monday
and drive a forklift although
I would if you quit coming,
I'll go down there
and work, you know?
I'm sure
they'd love to have me.
I like just
walking around down there.
Anyway, so I'm--
I go to the zoo--
I go to the zoo
with Miss Temcoe
and 26 5th graders,
right, you know?
And we're down there
and that day it was real hot,
and I remember we walked
in the monkey cage and it was--
there was air conditioner
in there.
You know, there's a cage
but there's a window
with bars, you know?
And so I sit down
on a little seating wall
with Miss Temcoe
and I'm looking
in this monkey cage
and there's, like,
seven monkeys. Big ones.
I mean, give you an idea
how big they are,
if one of them
got hold of me,
he could just
have his way, you know?
He could do whatever he wants.
And I can't think of a more
horrible death than that.
Well, maybe if I sit here
and think about it
for a while probably but--
so I'm looking
and there's a old monkey
sitting up in the corner
and I could tell he's older
'cause his whiskers
are a little gray
and he looks
a little more pissed off
than the rest of 'em.
And on the back of his neck,
there's a five-inch wide gap
and 10 inches across
of no hair on the back
of his neck.
And he's the only one
like that
and I'm watching him,
looking at him.
And I notice he's pulling out
one hair at a time
and he's eating it.
I'm thinking, "Surely
he didn't eat all that today.
His stomach would be upset."
And he turns around and he hikes
his leg up on this log
and he's chewing on his hair.
Reminds me of paw paw
sitting on the porch,
chewing on a piece of straw,
watching the kids play.
And he's looking right at me.
I'm looking at him.
And he just starts pissing.
I'm thinking,
"Man, that is a nasty animal."
And he's looking
at me, like, "Well,
this is what you want,
ain't it?
See us in our natural habitat.
This is how we roll in
the monkey cage, mother-fucker."
I'm thinking, "That's a nasty
talking monkey too."
And with no warning at all,
he reaches down behind him
and pulls up a turd
and I thought, "Hey, that ain't
a rock right there, kid.
That is not a rock."
And he sets it down
beside him, like,
"I'm gonna set that right there.
That's my poo-poo.
I'm gonna set it right there."
Like a muffin, you know?
I'm gonna set it right there.
Miss Temcoe's sitting here
watching it all and she goes,
"C'mon, kids, let's go
see the elephants."
I'm like, "Can we just stay
a little longer
and see how this
shit ends?"
I can't imagine
it gets much worse
than this shit.
So there he is,
sitting on a log,
chewing on his hair,
piss dribbling out
the end of his dick,
and got a turd
sitting next to him.
You got that picture
in your head real nice?
Let's wait. Okay.
So he's sitting there and,
again,
he reaches down behind him
and this,
I kinda know what's coming.
And he pulls up a turd
but this time he acts
like David Copperfield,
"Look, hocus pocus."
[crunch]
He just ate his own poo-poo.
He must think
if he acts crazy,
they'll let him out of here.
Maybe if you'd have
just ate your hair, maybe.
If you eat your own poop,
they think you're a danger
to other monkeys.
They'll never
let you out of here.
And he's looking
right at me, going,
What?"
Fuck"
He understands me."
That monkey's on to something.
'Cause every now and then
you gotta act crazy.
That 16-year-old boy like that
he's bigger than me,
taller than me,
puts his arm around me,
calls me "Little man."
I don't like that shit.
Getting to where
he likes to test the water,
started a couple of years ago,
usually around Thanksgiving.
"C'mon, daddy,
let's arm wrestle."
What do you do? C'mon, boy,
c'mon, come over here.
The whole family's around.
Hah-hah.
What do you do?
Is that all you got?
'Cause if that's all you got,
that's what daddy's got, right?
You're just letting him know.
You either let him win
or you beat him.
Just to let him know
daddy's stronger, you know?
And he can take
care of shit, right?
This past Thanksgiving,
different.
Gah, boy, c'mon, here we go.
Oh, shit,
ha-ha, is that all you got?
'Cause if that's all you got,
daddy ain't doing it.
He said, "C'mon, daddy,
you know I can beat you."
I said, "Boy, you so weak,
I'll tear your arm off,
throw it on the floor,
dog'll get it, bury it.
We'll never see it again."
You can't let
your 16-year-old boy
beat you arm wrestling,
for real,
because then he thinks
he can whip your ass
and you know what?
He can.
And that's a whole 'nother
set of issues right there.
"Give me the keys
to the truck, daddy."
"You ain't getting the keys."
"Give me
the fuckin' keys!"
"Good God, there.
Oh, my God.
My wife's like, "What you
give him the keys for?"
"He's gonna whip my ass.
What do you want me to do?"
You can never let it
get like that.
"You want these keys, boy?
Come get these
mother-fuckin' keys. Wow!"
[cheering]
You never know when
you're gonna have to eat
your own shit
to prove a point.
Let's sing some songs.
[cheering]
All right.
[]
[humming]
My hair's kind of thinning
I got a tooth
That's kind of loose
My belly's getting bigger
Waist size 42
And my prostate's
Getting larger
I pee more than I should
My pecker feels like cotton
But it used to feel
Like wood
She still loves me
She still tells me I'm cute
And even though
She screws the pool boy
Our love
It still feels new
She loves me
And I love her
Just the same
The other day
She got some flowers
Not from me
Those flowers
Came from Shane
Who the fuck
Is Shane?
I've lost a lot of money
Gambling 'til I'm sick
What I've lost, he's made
On a corner turning tricks
I know it sounds crazy
To think that's
What I let her do
But if you saw
The cash she made
I bet you'd let her too
She still loves me
She still tells me I'm cute
And even though
She screws the pool boy
Our love
It still feels new
She loves me
And I love her
Just the same
The other day
She got some money
Not from me
You know the money
Came from Shane
Who the fuck
Is Shane?
Ain't it kind of funny
How two people
Make it work?
Though we're conventional
Nobody's getting hurt
No no no
She still loves me
She still tells me
I am cute
And even though
She screws the pool boy
Our love
It still feels new
She loves me
And I love her
Just the same
The other day
We got together
Me and her
And that goofy
Son-of-a-bitch named Shane
Hey
[cheering]
[]
Whoo
Do you wanna do something
That rhymes with truck?
Do you wanna do something
That rhymes with duck?
Do you wanna do something
That rhymes with
My best friend?
His name is Chuck
Do you wanna do something
That rhymes with truck?
Do you wanna sit on something
That rhymes with stick?
Do you wanna sit on something
That rhymes with brick?
Do you wanna sit on something
That rhymes with my old horse?
His name is Flick
Do you wanna sit on something
That rhymes with stick?
Though if you don't want to
I completely understand
Oh it's plain to see
I'll never be
Never be your man
And I'll go home
All alone and
I'll climb up in my loft
And I'll do something
That rhymes with jackin' off
[cheering]
There ain't nothin' that
Rhymes with jackin' off
[cheering]
Thank you.
I am, honest to God,
I am amazed that people
even clap-- attempt to clap
at that damn song.
It's stupid.
But 13 years ago,
I leaned in the bathroom.
My wife was getting ready
to go somewhere one morning.
I said, "Before you leave
you want to do something
that rhymes with truck,"
and I got to giggling at myself
and I wrote that down.
And that's what I do.
I get tickled at myself
and I write shit down
and I tell you.
And you give me money.
I like it.
And I'm a good steward of it too
and I really appreciate it.
I mean, I tell you what,
I can-- every time I pull up
to a place like this
and see cars, I'm like,
shit, there's
people here.
Fooled again.
My wife, she said,
"No," that morning.
But she did giggle.
She giggled too.
Ooh
I fell in love
And got married
Back in 1993
People said
You had a rocky past
Never mattered to me
You said I'm the only one
But there's pictures
On our wall
Of you and your ex-boyfriend
Kissing at the mall
If I'm the only one
You ever loved
How come you still
Talk to him?
If I'm the only one
You ever loved
How come my baby looks
Just like Tim?
I'm just asking questions
I don't mean to pry
You've got all the answers
Baby just tell me why
If I'm the only one
You ever loved
Whose underwear are these?
If I'm the only one
You ever loved
How come you got
So many Mardi Gras beads?
You say I'm the only one
You love
You didn't come home
The other night
You said
You had to work late
I came by your office
With some cookies I baked
I walked in
I saw him and his hands
Were in your hair
And both your feet
Were pointed in the air
If I'm the only one
You ever loved
How come your boss
Is all over you?
If I'm the only one
You ever loved
How come his pants
Are down around his shoes?
I'm just asking questions
I don't mean to pry
You've got all the answers
So baby just tell me why
I just need an explanation
So I can understand
Why when I came home
Last night
There was a naked man
Running across our land
With his clothes in his hand
He ran
You better run
You son-of-a-bitch
If I'm the only one
You ever loved
How come your name's
On the bathroom wall?
If I'm the only one
You ever loved
How come it says
"For a good time call"
You say I'm the only one
You love
But you spent the night
On a 50 cents tour bus
How am I the only one
You ever loved?
Ain't that sad?
Sad?
Boy, didn't wanna start
no shit.
It's like,
I just asking questions.
I mean, I-- but what
the fuck,
why are you just--
and that's not all.
Pretty much
it just made me laugh
when I was writing that song.
And I did a comedy sketch
music video on that song
that I spent $115,000 on.
Fuck, I don't know why,
but I did.
Not a lot of people saw it
and I travel around with it
and I show it to people
and you're next.
And I'm gonna get
my money's worth
out of this son-of-a-bitch,
I'll tell you that.
But I'm real proud of it
and it's more than
just a music--
it's got a--
there's some funny to it
and I'm gonna play it for you.
It's just a few minutes long.
It's gonna run on this
and I'll be right back.
Don't go nowhere.
[cheering]
Honey.
Honey.
Wow, you look good.
I didn't know
we were going out.
- Oh, we're not.
I have a dinner date
with Tim. It's for work.
- Work? Who's Tim?
[doorbell]
- Oh, that's probably him.
Would you just be a darlin'
and let him in?
- Hey.
- Hey.
You must be Tim.
- You must be Randy.
- It's Rodney.
- Oh, yeah.
Is Trudy here?
- Yeah, let me
get her. Honey.
- Hi, Tim. Hi.
You smell good.
Hmm, hmm,
Snuggle-bear.
Hmm.
I missed you.
Oh, sweetie,
don't wait up too late.
This is gonna be
a late night, okay?
- Do you want me to--
- You know you're the only one
I ever loved, right?
- Well, yes,
but you want me to--
- You don't need to say nothin'.
C'mon, let's go.
- You guys have
a good business date.
Nice meeting you, Tim.
- See you, Ricky.
- It's Rodney.
[]
We fell in love
And got married
Back in 1993
People said
You had a rocky past
It never mattered to me
You say I'm the only one
But there's pictures
On our wall
You and your ex-boyfriend
Kissing at the mall
If I'm the only one
You ever loved
How come you still
Talk to him?
If I'm the only one
You ever loved
How come my baby looks
Just like Tim?
I'm just asking questions
I don't mean to pry
You've got all the answers
So baby just tell me why
If I'm the only one
You ever loved
Whose underwear are these?
If I'm the only one
You ever loved
How come you got so many
Mardi Gras beads?
You say that I'm
The only one you loved
You didn't come home
The other night
You said you had to
Work late
I came by your office
With some cookies I baked
I walked in
And I saw him
And his hands
Were in your hair
And both your feet
Were pointed in the air
If I'm the only one
You ever loved
How come your boss
Is all over you?
If I'm the only one
You ever loved
How come his pants
Are down around his shoes?
I'm just asking questions
I don't mean to pry
You've got all the answers
So baby just tell me why
I just need an explanation
So I can understand
Why when I came home
Last night
There was a naked man
Running across our land
With his clothes
In his hand he ran
If I'm the only one
You ever loved
How come your name's
On the bathroom wall?
If I'm the only one
You ever loved
How come it says
"For a good time call"
You say I'm the only one
You love
But you spent the night
On a 50 cents tour bus
- Booga, booga,
booga, booga.
[laughing]
- Mommy!
- Whoo!
Whoo!
Hey, baby!
[laughing]
- How am I the only one
You ever loved?
[alarm clock]
- Hey.
- Hey, dad.
- Hey.
- Hey, dad.
- What's up, dad?
- Are you all right? You look
like you seen a ghost.
- Honey, you aren't a--
are you a--
- What?
- Oh, honey, I had
this horrible dream.
- Did you eat something
before going to bed last night?
- A pita pocket.
- That's probably what it is.
Get some juice.
- Yeah, okay.
Boy, you really gotta be
careful what you eat
before you go to bed at night.
[applause]
We got a really
neat thing tonight.
We got five kids
from the State of Mississippi
that need adopting.
We're gonna bring 'em
out right now.
Come on out here, kids.
Come on out.
[cheering]
Dah, I'm just kidding.
Boy, it got weird
in here, didn't it?
[laughing]
You people went,
"Oh, shit, get your purse.
Oh, shit.
This is fixin' to get weird.
We just came here
to gamble, son-of-a-bitch,
not take on more babies.
Shit.
That kind of stuff
makes me laugh real hard.
I'd love one night
to bring out five real kids,
all dirty and disheveled,
look like they just stepped
off the set of "Oliver,"
you know, and just let it
sit for a little while.
Just have some guy
planted on the front row,
"I'll give you $100
for that Mexican boy."
And then he just runs to him
and jumps in his arms, "Daddy."
You know, and they twirl around
and run out.
'Cause you know they'd be
some pissed off people
in this damn place.
"That's bullshit.
He got that little
Mexican boy for $100.
That's a helluva deal.
What the hell.
Nobody told us about that.
You better have more
back there."
Toby Keith was so kind
to come down here
and play in that video.
He--He made $40 million,
I think, that year.
He didn't make nothing
for that.
He got a bag of chips
and a hot dog, is what he got.
We did a movie together
that was real big in Poland
called, "Beer For My Horses."
I can't even go over there.
Like I'd want to go over there.
Who says that,
"Let's go to Poland."
"I don't think so.
Let's go to Kansas.
It's closer."
Anyway, so I remember,
when I met-- I met Toby in,
like, 1995, 1996,
timeframe before he was
really Toby Keith.
His real name's
Jeff Goldstein,
he was working at Walgreens
at the time.
He's Jewish,
did you know that?
Little trivia for you.
People driving home,
"Hot damn,
I didn't know Toby was Jewish.
Son-of-a-bitch."
"Should've Been a Cowboy"
should have been a Jewboy,
should've been. That's what it--
that was the original.
Should have been a Jewboy
Should have learned to do
Whatever Jews do
Whatever it is,
I don't know.
It was something like that.
I got the firsthand
account of it.
He sang it to me by his pool.
Anyway, so there it was,
first time I ever met him,
I actually met him
on the golf course.
We were on the same
record label.
We were supposed to
play golf together
and he came down there
and they said,
"This is Rodney Carrington."
And he said, "Tell me a joke."
Not, "Hi, I'm Toby.
Nice to meet you.
It's a pleasure."
None of that. Nothing.
Just, "Tell me a joke."
I said, "Sing me a song."
And we didn't
say shit
to each other for five hours
while we played golf.
That's a true story.
I'm not lying to you.
And we hung out that evening
at that event
and he turned out to be
a nice guy
and I didn't see him
for 10 years.
His career went pow,
and my career went...
now here I am, see?
But here's the deal, you know.
I mean, Toby's up here.
He has nowhere to go
but here, eventually.
And I could keep going
sideways forever
and eventually
he'll catch me.
See how that shit
happens?
So I ran into him 10 years later
and I'm gonna get to the chase.
We were sitting
in this bar one night
and we were talking.
I said, "Hell,
I ain't seen you in, what,
10 years and nada-blah,"
whatever.
And he talked about his life.
And I listened.
Then he'd talk more about it
and I'd listen
more about, you know.
I could have said,
"Hey, I got a new truck."
He'd have went,
"I got a new rocket," you know?
And you just didn't matter.
Fuck I can't
compete dip-shit,
so I'll just listen to you.
He says, "I got an idea
for a movie.
I want you to help me
write it, Rodney."
I said, "Well, it sounds a lot
like a pick-up line
and I ain't going back
to the hotel with you."
You know,
he didn't laugh at that.
He looked at me, like,
"What the fuck?"
"Well, hey,
fuck-face,
it's me, dude.
Lighten up, superstar.
Shit, it's a joke."
Bam.
I didn't say any of that.
He's too big
to say shit like that to.
Fuck, I look like
his four-year-old
standing next to him.
I feel like
he should be pushing me
in a swing somewhere,
you know?
"Push me higher, Toby.
Push me higher."
"Shut up."
So anyway, I went home,
you know,
I was excited.
I told my wife,
"Toby Keith asked me
to help him write a movie."
My wife goes, "Why?"
Why? Fuck,
I don't know.
Maybe he asked everybody else,
they all said "No,"
he got to the bottom
of the barrel and bingo, I'm it.
I don't know. Could you
at least try to be happy?
So he sends me his movie idea
and it's two pages long
after I printed it out.
Had three characters,
and what their names were
and what they were wearing
in great detail.
That was it.
I got scared.
'Cause I didn't know
how I was gonna tell him
he didn't have no movie idea.
I'm serious.
I called him on the phone.
I said, "Listen, Toby,"
and I was, like,
real kid gloves, you know?
I said, "Hey, you know,
you got three good characters
and we know their names
real good
and what they're wearing
real, real good.
But you don't have a story."
And he said to me,
he said, "Come over
to the ranch on Monday.
Let's just knock it out."
I thought,
"Well, you know,
if we's mowing your pasture,
that might work,
but we're writing a movie.
Do you know
what that entails?"
I didn't say any of that.
It sounded, you know--
he's too big
to say shit
like that to, you know?
So I started--
you know, that Monday,
I'm driving to his house.
He lives an hour and a half
away from me.
And the whole time
I'm driving, I'm like,
"Why did I agree to
this shit?
I don't even know him.
What if I get over
and I say something,
he don't like me,
and then I'm trapped there.
How am I gonna leave, you know?
What if he's weird?
What if he's gay?
Shit.
What if he's--
I don't really know him.
This could be
some sort of ploy
to get me into Toby Keith's
sex dungeon, you know?
I'm cute.
I could see why somebody
would want me in their dungeon.
But he's a big son-of-a-bitch.
He gets me on the ground,
I'm toast.
Nothing I can do.
Hold my breath,
hope I pass out.
That's all I can do.
[laughter]
And I don't think
you can hold your breath
when you're crying.
Aghh!
No, Toby. Aghh!
I'm guessing.
[laughing]
Obviously, that movie
would have never got made
had that shit happened.
I'd still be under a tree
crying somewhere.
So I get to his house
and that son-of-a-bitch
has manicured--
160 acres manicured
like Disney World.
There's not a grass
out of place.
Mexicans everywhere.
And it's his house.
Don't judge me.
I'm driving down
Toby's driveway
and I'm passing the lake
and the giraffes.
That little colored actor
Webster's out there.
It's his house.
Y'all can stop judging.
He's sitting on a giraffe,
wearing a Toby Keith hat,
waving.
I'm like, "Son-of-a-bitch
that's Webster."
And I pulled up at Toby's
giant mansion he built,
he lives in, and he's
standing up there, cocked,
on the front porch
in that Toby Keith stance
that I now know he practices
in the mirror,
'cause I've seen him.
And I'm looking through
the windshield of my truck.
He's got James boots,
ripped-up shirt
and a cowboy hat and sunglasses,
standing there like this.
And I'm looking through
my windshield, thinking,
"Is he fixin' to sing to me?
What the fuck?"
I got out the truck
and I go, "Hi, Toby."
He goes,
"What's going on, son?"
I said, "Oh, hell,
I saw Webster
up by the gate there."
He said, "Gary Coleman's
over feeding the cows."
I thought
that's the nicest shit
I've ever seen,
you putting them little
out-of-work child actors
back to work like that.
Anyway, he said, "C'mon,
let me show you around."
Basically,
what he was saying was,
"C'mon, let me show you
some shit
you'll never,
ever have. C'mon."
And I followed him
and he does this
"I'm a real cool
country music superstar walk,
kind of like, I'm a badass.
Look at me, I'm Toby Keith
kind of walk, you know?
And I'm trying to do it
behind him, you know?
Trying to match him,
you know?
Security guard saw me
and I went,
"Oh, shit."
then I went back
to my regular walk.
Just a spoonful of sugar
Makes the medicine go down
The medicine go down,
The medicine--
So we get to this
25-car garage of his
and he's got
shit
none of the rest of us have.
He has a motorized pogo stick.
Who has that?
Toby Keith has that.
He's got a 5-horsepower
Briggs & Stratton on it.
You gotta ride it
'til it runs out of gas.
Ain't no getting off
that son-of-a-bitch.
I went down his driveway twice
and swallowed
four pieces of gum.
I was damn
near beat. Fuck.
A bicycle helmet on.
He was laughing his ass off.
He's got cars we ain't even
seen in magazine.
And he showed 'em to me.
He says,
"You know what this is?"
I said, "No."
He says, "This here,
1932 Ford
blucka-blucka-something fancy,
can't remember what he said."
He said, "Only made two of these
in the whole world, Rodney.
I bought both of 'em.
I blew the other one up
over that pasture,
so I could own the only one.
Ain't that cool?
I said, shit,
I got a truck.
It's over there.
You saw it."
I said, "I bet you ain't got
none of that."
He goes, "What is that?"
I said, "That's magical
reindeer corn, Toby."
He said, "How come it looks
like peanut M&Ms?"
I said, "'Cause I'm just
fuckin' with you."
And you know,
he didn't laugh at that?
He looked at me, like,
"What the--
who the fuck
keeps peanut M&Ms in their
pocket without a wrapper?
What the fuck kind of
shit is that?"
I'm thinking,
"I like 'em soggy.
They're delicious."
I can't believe
he didn't laugh at that.
I'd have laughed my ass off
had somebody done that.
So we got in his office
that morning at 10 o'clock.
We're working on the
"Beer For My Horses" outline.
This is where it all started.
10 o'clock that morning
'til 4 o'clock the next morning.
We looked up long enough
to eat a sandwich
his wife had brought in
for us to eat.
I was so tired,
I couldn't hold my eyes open,
when he's still
asking me questions.
And he finally goes,
"Hey, it's 4 a.m.
We better go to bed."
I'm thinking,
"I just saw the Easter bunny."
I'm trying to figure out
is it 'cause I'm tired
I saw the Easter bunny,
or does he just got
so much fucking money
the Easter bunny
lives at his house?
I still don't know what--
I still don't know.
So he says to me, really,
honest to God, he goes,
"C'mon, let me show you
where you're sleeping."
And he picked up my suitcase
and started to carry it.
You know what I thought?
Boy, I'd like to have
a picture of that.
Toby Keith is carrying
my damn suitcase.
But my camera was in the
suitcase that he was carrying.
I thought it's gonna be
awful rude for me
to ask him to stop,
let me unzip that bag,
get the camera out,
and zip back up
and have him walk
a little bit further
while I pop off a few shots
of him carrying my suitcase.
So common sense just said,
"Let that one go, Rodzick."
So I followed him
up a big spiral staircase
and went down a long hallway,
come to a firemen's post,
slid down about half a floor.
Come to a steel door
with a slat.
And a guy pulled it back.
I could see his eyes.
Toby said, "Strawberries,"
and the door opened.
We're standing
in this skating rink
and Gary & Webster
are holding hands
going around and round
in them 1980 skates,
you know, where they got
two wheels on the front
and two on the back,
listening to El DeBarge
popular bands back then.
"Time Will Reveal"
was the song was playing.
It was kind of freaky.
Went down another hallway.
Come to two doors.
He opens 'em up, goes,
"Here's where
you're sleeping, Rodney."
And on the inside of my body,
I was jumping up and down,
going,
"mother-fucker!"
But on the outside, I was going,
"I guess this'll work."
'Cause I didn't
want him to know
my house would fit in this room
I was fixin' to sleep in.
So I said, "Well, Toby,
I sure appreciate everything.
I guess this is goodnight."
He goes, "Goodnight."
But he stood in the doorway
and kind of looked at me.
"So goodnight."
I tried to make it sound like,
"Get out."
He finally left but,
shit it was weird.
[laughing]
No, fuck it,
I made that up.
I made that part.
I don't want you driving home,
"Did you hear that shit
about Toby Keith?
What the fuck
was that about?
Fuckin' Rodney said,
'Goodnight,'
then he stood
in the doorway,
and gave him loving eyes
and said, 'Goodnight.'
Rodney had to say,
'Goodnight,'
make it sound like, 'Get out,'
and he finally left.
He's a fruitcake.
I ain't never buying
his shit again."
I made all that
shit up.
I don't want
that big mother-fucker
comin' looking for me.
I do not.
I've seen him mad.
I mean, real mad.
We're shooting that movie.
He come out of the bar
one night,
we'd had a little bit to drink.
Some guy goes, "Hey, look,
it's Randy Travis."
And I was laughing as hard as
I've ever laughed in my life.
I mean, I was, like,
[laughing], and Toby goes,
"Who the fuck
you calling--"
and I went, "Oh, God."
I went from laughing,
ha-ha-ha-ha--
"Yeah!"
Like, I fight.
I don't fuckin' fight.
It hurts.
So anyway,
Toby leaves the bedroom
and this is the first time
I'm in his guest bedroom
and it's the first time
I'm in his house by myself
and you know what I notice?
The whole house smells
like Christmas cookie,
which is way different
from my house,
which smells like
dog shit.
I'm used to it.
My wife's dogs,
oh, shit.
I've tried without even,
you know, just--
just fuck it,
they're just there.
I just used to it.
They ever--
you walk in my house,
you know-- you know when
you're not the dog owner,
right, like, you,
"Yeah, you fuck
you own it, you gotta feed it
every now and then,
but when it shit's
in the floor,
that's when you're,
like, "Ah, fuck."
Then you're looking
for one of the kids.
Jack, George, where's the--
there's some
shit in there.
But then when nobody's there,
you're like, "Oh, God,
I got to pick this
shit up.
You get that toilet paper
and you wrap it up
and by the time
you get it done,
it's like you got
a boxing glove on.
Then you start that breathing
out your mouth, like,
oh shit,
all right.
Oh, fuck, I can't even
look at this.
Oh, oh, oh, fuck, it's warm.
Oh, mother-fucker.
Oh, shit, oh shit,
[gagging]
oh shit.
Oh, son-of-a-bitch.
I'll kill that
fuckin' dog.
And you just have to pretend
it never happened.
So anyway, I'm snooping around
Toby's guest... bathroom.
And he's got, like,
this real ornate thing.
It holds Q-tips, 5,000,
I counted 'em, right on the dot.
I'm thinking, "Who the hell
needs this many Q-tips
in the whole house,
let alone guest bathroom?"
You're lucky to get toilet paper
in my guest bathroom.
You'll be wiping your ass
with a sock.
Your own sock.
You come out of my guest
bathroom without a sock on,
you better have that
shitty sock
in your pocket.
Don't try to hide it
under my sink or flush it
down the potty
and clog it up,
make me call
the Roto-Rooter man,
'cause I'll have your ass.
Are we clear?
Moving on.
So anyway, I'm laying
in that guest bed of his.
That son-of-a-bitch
is so comfortable, I mean,
I'm asleep like that.
Ten minutes, I guess,
rolls by and I heard,
"Rodney, are you up?"
I went,
"Oh, shit,"
my ass clenched
together real tight.
And I grabbed
the closest thing to me,
which was a candlestick holder,
about that long.
I thought if I hit him
with this,
I'm just gonna piss him off
and it's gonna get worse
so I threw it down
and I braced myself.
And I'm not sure
what the brace position is
for keeping a weenie
out of your ass
but this is the one
I was in.
If you hold it real long,
your ass will quiver
on you like that.
And then I heard this,
"[static], Rodney, [static]
can you hear me?"
I thought,
that's a speaker.
Ha, ha! And I relaxed
and shit myself
in Toby Keith's house.
I did.
We wrote a song together.
We wrote a song together,
and it goes like this.
[]
I was 15 years old
A young innocent boy
On the playground at school
When I first met Joy
And her T-shirt was white
And her chest
Was quite large
When the storm clouds
Rolled in
It started coming down hard
I said white shirts
And rain
Yeah they bring on a change
We knew she had a set
When she got 'em both wet
You could see everything
I just stood there in awe
She didn't have on a bra
A cold wind hit her back
Out popped her rack
White shirts and rain
Well I've heard 'em
Called hangers
And I've heard 'em
Called cans
And I've heard 'em called
Cha-chas and chi-chis
And boobies and
Two really good friends
Some like to be pet on
Pinched on and pulled
Some like to be kissed on
Some you can't touch at all
I said
White shirts and rain
Yeah they bring on a change
We knew she had a set
But when she get 'em both wet
You can see everything
And it's hard not to stare
When they're sittin'
Right over there
Could you run
Through my lawn?
I got my sprinkler on
'Cause today looks
Like no chance of rain
[audience cheers]
Yup.
Put your clothes back on
I'd rather be alone
Your thing is all worn out
Won't you go on home
You've had too many lovers
And they've worn off
The hair
There ain't no way
I'm goin' in there
Put your clothes back on
And go on home
I should've never gone out
I should have
Never had a drink
Take that thing outside
It's startin' to stink
Your friends done told me
Where you have been
And I feel sorry
For all those men
Put your clothes
Back on darling
And go on home
Yeah get that thing
Away from me
It looks like something
That your dog would eat
I've seen enough
Won't you set me free
I think that thing
Just barked at me
Woof!
Early this morning
It bit my leg
Oh little darling
Don't you make me beg
Put your clothes back on
Go on home
Oh shit
I'm scared
I need medical care
I think three midgets just
Crawled out of there
Well I was fine
Before you came
Would you throw
Something over
That awful thing
And put your clothes
Back on
And go on home
Yeah won't you put
Your clothes back on
And you be careful
When you're driving home
[audience cheers]
You ever loved
Whose underwear are these?
If I'm the only one
You ever loved
How come you got
So many Mardi Gras beads?
You say I'm the only one
You love
You didn't come home
The other night
You said you had to
Work late
I came by your office
With some cookies I baked
I walked in