When a woman bends over
a man sees a jelly doughnut.
Her brain expands. His explodes.
Dead on arrival
in her powdered jelly doughnut.
Dad.
Daddy?
# I can remember when we walked together
# Sharing a love I thought
# Would last forever
# Moonlight to show the way
# So we can follow
# Waiting inside her eyes
# Was my tomorrow
# Then something changed her mind
# Her kisses told me
# I had no loving arms
# To hold me
# Every day I wake up
then I start to break up
# Lonely is a man without love
# Every day I start out
then I cry my heart out
# Lonely is a man without love
# Every day I wake up
then I start to break up
# Knowing that it's cloudy above
# Every day I start out
then I cry my heart out
# Lonely is a man without love
# I cannot face this world
that's fallen down on me
# So, if you see my girl
# Please send her home to me
# Tell her about my heart... #
One, two. One, two. Okay, go.
# We are beautiful
# We are not ugly?
# We are angry? #
Hey, honey? I'm home?
Brought you some cookies.
Pignolia nuts.
What's the matter?
Somebody die?
"If God's gift of grace
or the light on your face...
...could make me forget your vagina is wet."
Let me see that.
"To Tula, my Tula, my red flower of love."
What are you, a private dick?
How different could it be, huh?
It's just a hole.
You can't incriminate a man
over some words.
What do you think you're
gonna find there? Peanuts?
It's poetry?
Po... Oh, it's poetry.
Well, I'm gonna give you
some fucking poetry.
Pink motels. White thighs. Deep fried.
Shake it, bake it, rotate it.
Swollen heads. Busted beds.
Empty lots. Dirty red twats.
- You just made that up?
- I'm deep.
A man is innocent till proven guilty.
I'm gonna lop your power helmet right off.
- Oh, you're gonna threaten me now?
- You whoremaster.
- You whoremaster. I smoked your ass out...
- No.
- ...you two-faced Judas!
- I am not a whoremaster!
My brothers, they're the whoremasters!
Not me!
Ever since you grew
that filthy little moustache!
I am not a whoremaster!
Preening in the mirror like Maria Callas!
Put the cologne all over my back, sweetie.
I cook you chicken, fish, no butter
low-cal this, low-cal that.
I trim your nose hairs, you fuck!
I swear on my father's grave, okay?
Oh, another whoremaster!
What's going on, Mom?
Oh, your father went on a beaver diet!
- This is not normal.
- Grow up.
Only a giant among idiots would marry you.
It's all in your head!
- What?
- What's in her head?
He's shitting out of the cup!
Will you listen to her?
Listen to your daughter.
Snatch hairs pasted on your lip!
You shut up!
It's between your mother and me!
Knock it off! That's not fucking nice!
It's not fucking nice.
Even Gogo hated you.
Who's Gogo?
I don't like animals.
I don't like cats. I don't like dogs.
I don't like birds. I don't like fish.
I'm like my mother. I don't like animals!
- Who is Gogo?
- Mommy's cat.
Every day you'll wake up alone.
You don't even like me anymore, do you?
I hate you with all the hate
that you can hate with!
Did you hear that?
Did you hear what your mother said to me?
Can you hate more than that?
If you can, then I hate you more than that.
Then go back to him!
Go back to your first love!
Go back to him! Go!
"I can remember when we walked together
"Sharing a love I thought would last forever."
I'd give anything if you'd
come back to me. Anything.
# I cannot face this world
# That's fallen down on me
# So, if you see my girl
please send her back to me
# Tell her about my heart
# That's slowly dying
# Say I can't stop myself
# From crying
# Every day I wake up
then I start to break up
# Lonely is a man without love
# Every day I start out
then I cry my heart out
# Lonely is a man without love
# Every day I wake up
# Then I start to break up
# Knowing that it's cloudy above
# Every day I start out
then I cry my heart out
# Lonely is a man without love
# Every day I wake up
then I start to break up
# Knowing that it's cloudy above
# Every day I start out
then I cry my heart out
Oh, three o'clock, three o'clock.
# Lonely is a man without love
# Every day I wake up
then I start to break up
# Lonely is a man without love
# Every day I start out
# Then I cry my heart out
# Lonely is a man
# Without love! #
What's the problem?
I'm a married man.
A domestic disturbance was reported, sir.
- Yeah, that's the problem.
- Name, sir?
Nick Murder.
- You ever been married?
- More than once, sir.
Yeah? What went wrong?
Everything, sir. Am now once again.
Third wife, sir.
No, no, no, one wife, that's all a man's
meant to have. One wife. It's enough.
Yes, sir.
What's with all the "sir" shit?
Military habit, sir.
Oh, yeah? What branch?
Navy. Sound off!
Rat shit. Bat shit. Dirty old twat.
Sixty-nine assholes tied in a knot.
Eat, bite, suck, fuck, nibble, gobble, chew.
I'm a fucking paratrooper!
Who the fuck are you? Sir!
- Marriage is combat, son.
- Yes, sir.
- And not clean combat.
- No, sir.
She's got her territory in there, I've got mine.
She's got her army back in there.
I'm out here alone.
There's no prayer in that animal.
- He's a selfish man, Ma.
- Something should be done about him.
Drink some water.
I live in fear when he's around.
I love you, Ma. I love you so much.
I love you so much with all my heart
and soul. I love you more than my real mom.
I mean, I love her, too
but I can't remember her, so...
Rara, come on, come on.
I love Baby, but she doesn't any spend time
with me anymore. She's changed.
Enough.
If the love ain't there
it's gonna come back, Ma.
Come on. Rara, give her some space.
Come here, come here.
Here. Come here.
What did he mean, "Go back to him? "
Go back to who?
There was someone else
in my life a long time ago.
A gentle man.
You were married to him?
Before the war.
He went off to fight far, far away.
I met your father then.
No, I saw her coming out of the loo
at her crazy sister's apartment.
She had this headful of wet hair
and was wearing
a soft, cream-coloured terry cloth robe.
So I asked her.
I need to borrow a piece of luggage.
- You shacking up?
- Ah, ain't nothing wrong with sex.
You have big ones, buster.
Yeah. Dinosaur balls.
I'm from Brooklyn.
Boys don't talk to girls like that in Brooklyn.
I felt a sharp pain, like death.
The girl with the kind eyes, I says.
That's the girl. The girl I will marry.
You rat bastard.
I know you're in there.
Where are you?
Lost in the void.
Help me!
Somebody help me!
God had to give me cataracts.
One day you'll be blind like me!
In the dark forever, like me!
"Oh, sunlight of no light
"Once you were mine
"Let me feel the pillars upon which this
house rests
"Oh, Lord God, remember me, I pray thee
"And strengthen me, I pray thee
only this once, oh, God
"that I may revenge myself upon the
Philistines for one of my two eyes."
Die, Samson!
"Let me die with the Philistines!"
Wait, I'm coming up. Wait!
I'm not the type of guy
who goes up to a woman
says, "You want to go out with me? "
and then takes his dick out.
That's not my style. I'm no beast.
What?
I'd like to fuck a woman tennis player.
You know, with the outfit on.
And a tennis ball stuck in her panties.
Know what I heard?
Tony Curtis almost lost his sex life.
Back in '44 he's on a Navy sub.
A winch falls off
hits him in the base of the spine. Right?
Tony was paralysed.
He was laying there, just, he was praying.
Tony started praying that his private
parts would not be dead.
And about a week later
he starts to feel a tingling.
Tony fucking Curtis.
What am I gonna do?
Oh, you've got it bad, Nick.
I told you. I warned you.
Chicks smell a boner 10 miles away.
I'd be better off a fag.
Those guys are in shape.
Randolph Scott was a fag.
Not Randolph Scott?
Yeah, him and Cary Grant.
Get out of here. Not in a million years.
The list is long.
There's a lot of great fags.
Coming up. All right?
And she's a redhead.
Au naturel?
The whole megillah.
It's rare. They feel more.
That's scientifically proven.
- What?
- You take a natural red versus a brunette.
Right? And you prod them both
with a jolt of electric shock, mild.
The carrot-top's gonna need
To numb the pain?
Pain, pleasure, it's all nerve-related.
The point is, they feel more.
Nice as she is, red as her bush is
fuckable as she is
you gotta put the fire out, my friend.
Attend to it.
Stamp out that Benson & Hedges bitch
once and for all.
All right, you bitch in heat
you're going down!
Come down from there right now!
Oh, my God! She's hot!
- I might need some for...
- No, but you don't.
Get them when you really need them.
- Sometimes I need
- Take one.
- ...to have some in the house.
- Take one.
Choose one you're gonna keep.
Put the other ones back.
All right. One card. I'm gonna get a card.
I'm gonna choose one.
- Go ahead. Put the other ones back.
- How the hell are you?
- Grace.
- What's the matter?
I had diarrhoea yesterday, Grace.
I was in the bathroom when you knocked
on the door. Bad.
You've been wronged. I feel it.
You don't have to tell me anything.
I have never met one man who was faithful.
- You've only been with one man, Grace.
- Till death do us part.
Did you ever feel that you wanted to
squeeze a kitten until the head pops off?
All right, put this back. That's enough.
He was a beautiful man, my Chester.
A real Southern gentleman.
Quiet. Dark. Graceful.
I still love him with every fibre.
That was 20 years ago, Grace.
Look, don't touch!
Don't touch!
- You want to buy it or not? You buy it.
- I don't want to buy it. I just...
It's good. All this ones is good. Look at...
You can look as much as...
- He's the only man I've ever loved.
- He thought you were shoplifting, Ma.
- Don't touch!
- I can't help it.
- Tell him to stick his cards up his ass.
- You want me to say that?
I'm too weak to break the chains.
I don't feel so good.
I mean, I was up and now I'm down.
He's been married four times.
Four times, Gracie, since he left you.
Mickey Rooney was married eight times!
I don't care! I love Chester!
What a woman thinks she's doing
doesn't count for anything, Grace.
Oh, Kitty.
Okay, okay, that's enough now.
That's enough, that's enough.
When I see somebody hugging
it's make me sick.
I feel lonely. So lonely.
Don't make me cry. Please, go out!
# We are not ugly
# And we are not beautiful
# No, we are angry
- Rara, where's Mommy?
- Out.
Where?
# We are not pretty
I'm not supposed to say nothing.
She told me not to tell you.
# No, we are angry
Church. She went to church.
She went to church?
# We are angry
Went to see God, huh?
God's everywhere.
Don't need to go to church to see him.
You're right, Dad. God is everywhere.
# I'm outta here #
All right, I'm hungry, let's eat.
What's for dinner?
We ate already.
- You ate?
- Pork chops.
Without me, your father?
Mommy didn't cook for you.
I had three pork chops
Your mother's down there lighting
candles and a man's here starving?
- ...and apple sauce.
- I paid for those pork chops!
Papa wants pork chops.
Medium rare.
Mama ain't...
Mama ain't cookin', bastin'
floppin' pork chops.
- Pork chops!
- Lamb chops!
- Lamb chops! Chops, chops.
- Loin chops!
# Barometer, parameter
# Ooh! Barometer, diameter
# Stuck his meat thermometer
and tested her barometer
# Papa pop a cork
Fuckin' the pork
# Papa ate out! Gonna take out!
# Take out! Ate out!
# Ate out!
# Take out!
# Take out! #
# How my heart does rejoice
# When I hear his sweet voice
# And the tempest to Him I do flee
# That to lean on his arm
# Safe, secure from all harm
# When He reached out his hand for me
# For me
# When my Saviour reached down for me
# For me
# When He reached down his hand for me
# For me
# I was lost and undone
# Without my God or his Son
# When He reached down his hand for me
# For
# For
# Me #
What have we here?
Return of the prodigal daughter?
Come!
Come on in.
# Never, ever gonna give you up #
"Can't get enough of your love, babe."
"I'm gonna love you
just a little bit more, Baby."
"I'll do for you anything you want me to."
"Let the music play."
"Your sweetness is my weakness."
You're the best kisser in the whole world
Fryburg.
I'm going to make out
with your whole family, Baby.
Do it, baby! Do it!
# Didn't I make you feel
# Like you were the only man?
# Didn't I give you everything
a woman possibly can?
# But with all the love I give you
# It's never enough
# I'm gonna show you, baby
# That a woman can be tough
# So come on, come on
# Come on, come on
# Take it
# Take another little piece
of my heart now, baby
# Break it
# Break another little bit
of my heart now, honey
# Have a
# Have another little piece
of my heart now, baby
# You know you've got it
if it makes you feel good #
Hello? Who's this?
Hey, baby, it's me.
Oh.
Hello.
Did you make love last night?
Love?
No.
So you've lost a night.
Oh, Nicky.
I want you to put your finger
up my asshole right now.
Tula.
My pussy's lonely, baby.
Yeah?
Kiss it, nasty man. Come on.
Yeah. Give me those balls that clang.
Don't talk like that, will you?
Well, you know what, Nicky? I can't talk.
I'm just getting fucked by a big, hard
young, circumcised cock.
What are you talking about?
Are you with somebody else?
You're not here.
What do you want me to do
sit around and touch myself?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. I do.
Let me put the radio on. All right.
All right.
All right, all right, go ahead.
# Come on, come on
So, I put my ass in your face
and move it up and down, up and down.
# Come on and take it
# Take an other little piece
of my heart now, baby #
Do you like it like that, Nicky, do ya?
I'm rubbing my pussy.
Are you getting really hard?
How is your foreskin? Is it still on, is it?
Show me your face, big boy!
Yeah, that's it, nasty man.
You know what to do.
You know all the tricks, don't you?
# You know you got it
# Take it #
It's tasty, isn't it?
Come on, lick the icing off me cupcakes.
I'm rubbing myself
really rubbing myself hard...
# If you're looking for trouble
You came to the right place
# If you're looking for trouble
Just look right in my face
# I was born standing up
# And talking back
# My daddy was a green-eyed mountain jack
# Because I'm evil #
Cousin Bo!
What's the trouble, Kitten?
"Breaking in a brand new broken heart?
"Lost that loving feeling?
"Three cigarettes in an ashtray? "
It's worse than any song could say.
If anyone could, the King would.
I know, I know the hurt.
Been there. Nick's been shacking?
Not now, Bo.
I'll lay him right out. Boom! Like that.
No one messes with my Special K.
All right, Baby.
Baby, you're the 50-foot woman.
You'd better not be getting hitched.
No! The dummy was just too short.
"Here's looking at you, kid."
I got my teeth fixed.
Good for you, Bo.
Are you circumcised?
What?
Are you circumcised?
Circularise?
No, circumcised!
My circulation's fine.
No. Are you circumcised? You know?
Does a man's calzone look better that way?
Is it more attractive to women with...
I'd like to fuck a woman
with a backside as big as the world.
Are you listening to me? I'm talking to you.
Well, who wants to know?
You cocksucker.
You should have been a scientist.
It's cleaner. It's cleaner without the foreskin.
Most guys in pornos, John Leslie
nobody better.
Yes. I would say, yes.
Are you circumcised?
Hell, no. That shit hurts.
Somebody cuts my dick
it better be for vengeance.
# One, two, three, uh!
# Hot pants!
# Hey, hot pants!
# Hot pants! Smokin'! Hot pants!
# Where it's at
# That's where it's at
# Baby, take your Fryburg
# Looks much better with time
I fucking love you!
- # My fever keeps growing
- I fucking love you!
# Girl, you're blowing my mind! #
We've got the address, no last name.
Find the love shack.
You got a weapon?
Maybe we should stop
get something bigger.
I don't need something bigger.
Yes.
Do you have
a decrease in libido?
Sure. Thank you.
Do you have a decrease in strength
and/or endurance?
Have you lost height?
Are your erections less strong?
Has your uncircumcised foreskin
ever resulted in an adverse reaction
from your partner?
Does the shape of your glans
cause you anxiety?
Are you concerned
about inadequate penile hygiene?
If you answered, "Yes, " to question one
Mr Murder, please.
...or at least three of the questions
you may be a candidate
for adult circumcision.
I heard you with Fryburg.
You make loud noises and I hear them.
You make loud noises?
Yeah. I want to make them, too.
I told my psychiatrist.
- What?
- What?
I had nothing else to tell him. So...
Fuck off, Fryburg.
I'm a fucking star.
Did he do his Richard Gere for you?
Jumping all around in his jockstrap?
Gere!
- Richard Gere, he's hot!
- Hot chocolate!
Chetty!
He's got an ass that yodels.
Call me!
Chetty, Junior! Chetty, Junior!
Good God! Chetty!
Mom. Fryburg, Ma!
Was fr ein Name ist denn Fryburg?
Fryburg?
Chester the Molester.
You're just jealous.
Look, I know that you know that I know
that you want me, Connie-lingus.
Don't you talk to her like that, you animal!
I'll put your head in a pillory!
Your father called.
So?
He wants to come to your sister's house
for the holidays.
How am I going to face him?
Some day, somewhere, somehow
I am going to go up in one of those
metal cans and I am gonna fly away.
Far away.
Okay, this is the block.
That redheaded skank is going down.
# Someone I belong to
I've got your back.
# Doesn't belong to me
Men. They blow smoke up your ass
make you pregnant
then go hunt for new snapper.
# Someone who can be faithful
# Who knows that I have to be
# Why must I be alone?
# So
# Why can I
# On my own
# So
# Alone from night to night you find me
Is Tula here?
# Too weak
Does that bitch live here?
# To break the chains that bind me
No.
# I need no shackles
# To remind me
# I'm just a prisoner
# Of love
# For one command
# I stand and wait now
# For one who's master of my fate now
Yeah, baby.
# I can't escape
# For it's too late now
# I'm just a prisoner of love
# Just a prisoner of love
# Oh, I'm just a prisoner of love
# What's the good of my caring
Give it up.
# If someone is sharing
# Those arms
# With me
# Although he has another
# I can't have another
# 'Cause I'm
# I'm not free
# He is in my dreams
# Awake or sleeping
# Upon my knees
# To her I'm creeping
# His very life, my very life
# Is in his keeping
# Oh, I'm just a prisoner of love #
Thongs, half bras, full bras
g- strings, push-up bras, teddies
garter belts, crotchless panty hose.
Fuck bloomers. That's what I sell.
To rich, tan, bored housewives
who take the fat from their ass-cheeks
and inject it into their lips.
If you're gonna kiss someone's arse, then
you should know that's what you're kissing.
Personally, I think
kissing's sexier than shagging
but you're sucking on chicken fat there.
Not that their husbands mind.
You know, they're out buying
big homes, buying paintings
going to the fucking opera
taking one up the bum for the Queen
while the misses are out sticking their
fannies in my face.
Does my bum look big in this?
Can you see my cellulite?
What they need, these women
is a good old-fashioned horsefuck.
They can buy all the new panties they want
but they get stained, don't they?
Stained panties, part of life
no matter how hard you wipe.
I think you're dead sexy.
Not at first.
Then one day, I looked up and I saw you
working with your shirt off and your gut out.
"That's a man"
I said to myself.
A real man.
Someone to take me down the pub for a pint.
You're way too old for me
but I figure you only go round once in life.
I've got, what, 75 years
if I don't get hit by a bus?
I want to kiss you, big man.
I want to give you a big, sloppy, wet kiss.
You won't tell anyone, right?
Inch by inch
the elephant fucked the ant.
Ouch.
I'm qualified to satisfy you.
Don't worry, kid. We'll find the ho.
We've got to think like Kojak.
"Who loves you, baby? "
We'll smoke her redheaded ass out
then we'll let the music play.
What am I doing?
I don't know what I'm doing.
Who knows what anybody's doing?
Some people fear the Lord.
I fear women.
What really happened
between you and Roe?
Roe
was my first love.
I traced her name in cowshit.
She was "my first..."
"my last, my everything."
Was it, um, true, I mean, that you had...
What?
Um.
Trouble?
Only with Roe.
With other chicks
I'm Barry White.
I go to the meat market
I'm in and out like car service.
- Okay, okay.
- I don't mean to be crude, but it's the truth.
Maybe I knew her too well.
I don't know.
Is that why she left?
She met the Greek.
Come here.
Come up here.
# I saw the light on the night
that I passed by her window
# I saw the flickering shadows
of love on her blind
# She was my woman
Spank, spank!
# As she deceived me
I watched and went out of my mind
# My, my, my, Delilah
# Why, why, why, Delilah?
# I could see
# That girl was no good for me
# But I was lost like a slave
that no man could free
# At break of day when that man drove away
I was waiting
The Greek!
# I crossed the street to her house
and she opened the door
Roe!
Why?
# She stood there laughing
# I felt the knife in my hand
and she laughed no more
# My, my, my, Delilah
# Why, why, why, Delilah?
You stabbed me.
# So before
# They come to break down the door
# Forgive me, Delilah
I just couldn't take any more
# So before
# They come to break down the door
# Forgive me, Delilah, I just couldn't take
# Any more! #
Bo?
Roe?
Bo.
Loser.
# I know a guy who's tough but sweet
# He's so fine, he can't be beat
# He's got everything that I desire
# Sets the summer sun on fire
# I want candy
# I want candy #
Wait, whoa, whoa! What are you...
What is going on here?
What are you wear... That...
Oh, my God.
That's Mrs Lipshitz's daughter's dress.
What is she gonna say if she sees that?
She's gonna say that I look better
than her daughter Stacy in it.
That's what she's gonna say.
- Take it off.
- No.
- Right now. Take it off. Now!
- It's wasted on her. I'm not taking it off!
They're engaged.
You two must think
I'm the cucumber in the gardener's ass.
Your mother know about this, Chetty?
Yes, Chetty, does your mother know?
Fryburg does as Fryburg pleases.
Fryburg is a free man!
I don't care
if he calls himself Melvin the Moon Man
he's not marrying my daughter.
- You're not going to come to my wedding?
- I'm coming.
Your mother's not coming to the nuptials?
- Hold on.
- Ma, you want a hit?
If I died and was born again
no, I'm not coming.
I'm your daughter! Your baby daughter!
I'm in love, Ma.
Love is the vaguest word
in the human vocabulary.
- My head is full of Fryburg.
- It's terrible and beautiful.
- His lips fill my dreams.
- Empty glasses.
- My head is full of Fryburg.
- It's terrible and beautiful.
- His lips fill my dreams.
- Empty glasses.
- When I'm away from him...
- Senseless conversations.
- ...my thoughts are of him and only him.
- Cigarette ashes.
He's my first love.
Well, anybody can be in love.
- I've read romances...
- When you've seen your lover...
- ...puke his guts out...
- ...in prose and verse...
- ...grow a cyst on his ass...
- ...in different languages.
- ...crush you with his beer belly...
- So I must be...
- ...stink of cheese...
- I must be in love. I love Fryburg...
- ...reach in there and rip your heart out
- ...Mom...
...and leaves a big, empty hole
then and only then can you say, "I love him!"
Do you even love dad?
I loved him. He pulled down the shade.
Now I hate him.
Why did you guys even get married then?
I...
I was lonely.
He was handsome.
Wild, crazy eyes, like an animal
peering out of a forest on fire.
You know, love doesn't...
Not everything is cured by love, huh?
Look, my life has been one hell of a mess
but you are one of the reasons
that I keep trying.
Rosebud's my heartache.
Get a life and then do love.
Don't throw your dreams
into the never-never.
Life doesn't give you second chances.
Come on, baby. Check it out! Check it out!
We're gonna work.
Hey, you asshole.
Tease me, tease me! Hammer me!
Slam me! Drill me!
You did it for me. For me!
Give me all of that helldog!
Pour it into my red-hot oven!
Ooh, yeah, does it feel different?
Oh, does it feel different?
Tease me! Love me! Don't stop!
Oh, it's so beautiful! Oh, yeah!
It's so beautiful!
Oh, yeah! I can't believe...
I can't believe you cut it off for me!
You kill me! Oh! Yeah! Yes! I love it!
Go on. Keep going, Nicky!
You know you can! You know you can!
You used to be an athlete, didn't you?
Yeah, I know you did.
That's it! Ooh, you filthy bugger!
Oh, keep going now. I love it! I love it!
Oh, God, yes! Oh, yeah! Like that.
It's lovely like that! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Give me
that fucking fairy dusting, Nick.
You know what?
Next time a flag rises
you can knock on me back door.
Marlon Brando style.
What do you mean, up... Up your stovepipe?
Yeah.
Sure.
Why not?
Open my safe.
This is great chicken.
I'd better stop eating it.
I'll blow up like a fucking whale.
You don't want a fat bird
for a girlfriend, do you?
God. You are one crude broad.
Is that what you think of me?
I'm not a thinker. No.
Do you think of me? Ever?
Tell me what you like about me.
And don't be fucking polite.
The nasty way you look at me.
Mmm-hmm.
The way you touch your hair and you twirl it.
Right.
Your soft, white basket
up in the air
staring at me like a third eyeball.
You're funny.
Your...
I don't know, just, you're...
Your red everything.
I really like you.
I like you, too.
What about our future?
What are we gonna do?
Just living till you die is hard work.
# Tell me your love is true
# Like I love you
# Too many times romantic words are
spoken
# Too many words of love are said in vain
# Too many times a foolish heart is broken
# And left with just a memory for a token
# How can I know that you
won't hurt me, too?
# Do you love me the way you kiss me?
# 'Cause you kiss me like you love me
# Do you mean everything you say
# And do you say everything you mean?
# Do you love me the way you hold me?
# 'Cause you hold me like you love me
# Is it only a lovely dream
# Or can I dream of a wedding day?
# Do you love me the way you hold me?
# 'Cause you hold me like you love me
# Is it only a lovely dream or can I dream
# Of a wedding day? #
Tsk.
There's nothing so magical
as a woman's ass!
Give me hot broads in high heels
with asses that forgot to get old.
What is with men, huh?
They think they can whip their schlongs out
whenever they want just in broad daylight
for the whole world to see?
Give the guy a break.
- What?
- Man is a beast.
Take myself, for instance.
I see a young girl get up on a school bus
jeans riding low, showing a thong.
My first thought is
"I want to buzz your butt."
- Am I right?
- Uh-huh.
My second, "How could your mommy and
daddy allow you to go to school like that?"
You should be ashamed of yourself.
I am, but it doesn't last. Blah blah blah.
Do you know where we're going?
Ring-a-ding-ding. All right, $1.69, plus tax.
Where?
Round two
Baby Mazoa against Spice Wallah.
Baby looks a little bit out of shape, there.
Come on!
These guys today, they can't fight!
- Daddy.
- What?
I've got to talk to you.
I'm in the flesh.
Yeah, but it's something that's really
really important...
In the kidney, hit him in the kidney!
- 'Cause I've been wrestling...
- Have some liquorice.
No, thank you.
Where's your mother?
Mother?
That's it! Hit him in the stomach!
In the stomach! In the stomach! Yeah!
- Dad?
- Yeah.
I'm going into wedlock.
So what did your mother say?
She says I can't...
She says I can't marry no one. I'm...
I'm too young.
So she's against it.
Right.
And so am I.
What?
You guys don't even
talk to one another anymore.
Well, I don't have to talk to your mother
to agree with her.
That doesn't make any sense.
There's a lot of things in this pothole
of a life that don't make sense.
But you do them.
It takes me a good, solid hour
plus coffee and a cigarette
to evacuate in the morning.
Does that make sense? No.
But I do it, because when I'm high up
on that bridge, I don't have a choice.
Okay.
Don't overreact.
Let me finish what I'm saying.
What do you mean
we don't know each other enough?
- I've known you since you were born.
- I know that we...
I know. But we don't know each other like
we're getting to know each other right now
and I don't want to hop in right now.
I want to date...
Let me tell you something, Baby.
It's all or nothing with Fryburg, okay?
All or nothing!
You take all of me
or you take none of me. I live right there.
How am I gonna show my face in this
neighbourhood if you don't marry me now?
Don't say that right now. Let's just...
We love each other...
What do you want me to do? You want me
to change? Fryburg can't change.
Fryburg stays like this.
- You fell in love with this.
- Don't take that away from me.
That's it! And you know what?
You're not in my band anymore.
Oh, God.
That's not what this is about...
You're not in my band anymore!
- Oh, God.
- Get back here
and let's finish the conversation...
- I loved you!
- ...Iike mature adults!
No not loved. Get back here!
Hello.
Can I help?
Twat did you say?
Do you need help?
Cunt hear you. Scum a little closer.
What did you say?
What kind of underwear
do you think a man fancies?
- Depends on the man.
- A man with a moustache.
What sort of moustache?
A dirty one.
Dirty black one?
Yeah. You hit the nail on the head.
I like doing that.
I'm in the market for some underwear.
The, uh
kind of underwear
that makes a man lose his mind.
Okay, well, I can help you with that.
You know, a long time ago
women didn't wear underwear
if they were well-bred.
Only prostitutes wore panties.
Right. I didn't know that.
Well, now you know.
Right. Do you want to follow me?
Oh, God, I'm dying!
No, you're not, sir.
I'm dying! I'm dying!
Where is the pain, sir?
Stomach! It's his stomach.
What did you eat, sir?
What was the last thing that you ate?
You said you were gonna leave some
for me. That was a four-pound tub!
You ate the whole tub?
How you doing, Mr Murder?
How you doing? How's married life?
Better, sir. Much better.
Thanks for your words of wisdom.
- He tried to kill his self.
- With what?
Black Liquorice.
You tell your mother I apologise.
You tell her
men are seaweed. Women are oak trees.
Amen. Men die young.
They think they ladies' men, 24l7.
Attila of the Springs and shit.
Lips raw with love and then they be dead.
You tell your mother I'm truly sorry.
I know your tragedy.
What tragedy?
You got a loose one.
Loose what?
Pussy.
Fuck you! What did you say?
Wide fucking shores.
You calling me used goods?
Who the fuck are you?
Second-hand love doesn't work for me,
bitch.
Don't worry, love.
I lose interest in a man
as soon as he begins to care for me.
I'm gonna rip your can wide open!
# Hee, hee, hee
Stop it!
I'll kill you!
# Hee, hee, hee
Get your fingers off me
you stupid cow!
Kick that big, red butt.
Why you try to kill yourself, sir?
# Well brunettes are fine, man
And blondes are fun
# But when it comes to getting
a dirty job done
# I'll take a redheaded woman
# A redheaded woman
# It takes a redheaded woman
To get a dirty job done
I'm going to break your face!
# Well, listen up, stud
your life's been wasted
# Till you've got down on your knees
and tasted
# A redheaded woman
# A redheaded woman
# It takes a redheaded woman
# Get a dirty job done
The one in the middle's mine
she looks dirty!
# Well, I don't know how many girls
you've dated, man
# But you ain't lived till you've had
your tires rotated
# By a redheaded woman
# Redheaded woman
Ow!
# It takes a redheaded woman
get a dirty job done #
Well, she done
made that man sick.
It's no picnic being a guy.
Right? It's hard.
I mean, If I was a woman
I would have been a prostitute.
I broke up with Wanda.
Her ass was a travesty.
There's just some things you can't overlook.
What is going on out there?
Get him, get him!
Well, I'd run too, if I was gonna be a steak.
Oh.
Mrs Murder. Nice to see you. How are you?
Every breath is a victory.
Hiya, Mom.
Don't you, "Hi, Mom" me.
I told you. I told you!
In the sixth grade, I told you
"Never tell a woman your business."
"You just do your thing
and you keep it to yourself!"
Maybe I should go.
Sit down!
I've got one foot on the banana peel
and one foot in the grave.
And you do this to me?
You have got dinosaur balls, buster.
I should have clopped them off
when you were a kid.
I'm your son, Ma! I could use some help.
Does it look like I'm wearing
a white uniform?
I'm supposed to be number one.
You overshot your boundaries, number one!
You go and get yourself a mistress
and on top of that
you got yourself circumcised!
Jesus! We're not even Jewish!
I told him not to do it.
Shut up! Who asked you?
You're just like your father. And your
grandfather. May they rest in peace.
Oh, yeah.
Nicholas Nicotine.
Wolf lungs. The doctor says
he's got wolf lungs. They're all black.
Did I tell you his grandfather
tried to have sex with me?
Really?
I'm telling you.
Told me my husband was a boy.
That he could do things to me
that I couldn't imagine.
Sexually?
Well, yeah, sure.
He wasn't talking about going to Jersey.
Jersey.
That man, my father-in-law
had more ass than the seat on a toilet.
Once he had an affair
with his architect's wife.
He had them over to the house.
Right in front of his wife, he said to me
"You take care of him
and I'll take care of her."
Like I was his whore!
You can't do that nowadays.
His own daughter-in-law.
He was dancing with her.
He was a good dancer.
And the woman
Mrs Thompson was her name
she had no bloomers on.
I seen it when he twirled her.
My mother-in-law was in the kitchen
pulling her hair out.
And now this bastard goes and does
the same thing.
It's in the genes. He can't help it.
That long ago dance.
I'm telling you
I don't think I'm over it yet.
Three generations of whoremasters.
Ever been on a plane?
No. Never.
Someday.
Yeah. Someday.
- Look, Tula...
- Nicky?
You shaved your moustache.
Yeah, yeah. It's gone.
Forever?
You know, I could never...
I can never find the right words to say
what I'm trying to say.
Then don't say anything.
We gotta stop.
No. No, it doesn't.
- Yeah. We're through. It's over.
- No!
Come on. We deserve each other.
Huh. You may be right about that, but...
I am! You were meant for me.
Look, I almost love you.
"Killing me softly."
I gotta go home.
Home?
Where is home?
A place where a girl with kind eyes
named Kitty lives.
I love my wife.
Yeah.
She's not gonna take you back.
Yeah, we'll see. I...
You fit into me.
You know.
But I gotta change.
I'm a slow learner, but I'm gonna change.
You wouldn't be able to say that
if I was licking your balls.
It'd be hard.
Yeah, it'd be hard. It'd be rock hard.
Yeah, look, there's more to life
than that, Tula. Okay.
I let you in.
I let you open my apple like a fucking flower
in the fucking rain, you fuck!
There's more to life than a hard on, okay?
No, there's not! It starts there, doesn't it?
That's where life starts.
- Let me suck you before you leave me.
- No.
- Go on.
- No.
No!
# Under here
# You just take my breath away
# Under here
# The water flows over my head
# I can hear
# The little fishes
# Under here whispering
# Your most terrible name
# Under here
# They've given me starfish for eyes
# And your head
# Is a big red balloon
# Under here your huge hand
is heavy on my chest
# And under here, sir
# Your lovely voice retreats
# And yes
# You take my breath away
# And I glow
# With the greatness
# Of my hate for you #
Kitty, I...
- Stay away from me.
- Please.
- I'm not talking to you.
- I'm your husband.
I know that, you're the one that forgot it.
Can't you forgive?
The die is cast.
From the bottom of my heart...
You made your bed. Go lie in it
- I apologise.
- ...with your slut!
I know I lied to you.
Point blank.
Can't you give me one more chance?
Please!
I'll do anything. Anything.
I'll give you anything.
I love you.
Maybe I don't know how to show it
like they do in the movies or in books
but I love. I have love to give!
I don't want your tired gestures of love.
# This is a man's world
# This is a man's world
# But it wouldn't be nothing, nothing
# Without a woman or a girl
# You see
Oh, my God, a dog!
# Man made the train
# To carry the heavy load
# Man made the electric light
# To take us out of the dark
# Man made the boat for the water
# Like Noah made the Ark
# This is a man's, man's, man's world
# But it wouldn't be nothing, nothing
# Without a woman or a girl
# He's lost in the wilderness
# He's lost
# In bitterness #
# I tell myself what's done is done
# I tell myself don't be a fool
Whoa, whoa, mister, hey!
What do you think you're doing?
Shovelling.
Not in my yard. Hey!
What are we, peeping Toms?
Buddy, you don't have to put this here...
This is my boyfriend! My boyfriend!
My one and only!
He's the Fruitman. I know who he is.
He works at the Big R.
You got one beautiful pair of little
hills there, lady.
- What?
- I watch you like dessert.
Bending over in them tight little clamdiggers.
Feeling the tomatoes. Squeezing them.
Full moons. Grand, wide open cans.
Oh, woman's ass!
Roundly defeating man's in every class!
Frances, that's enough!
- Shut up, Ma!
- Don't you talk to me...
You didn't want me to have a boyfriend!
You never did! You want them all to yourself!
The Fruitman's here to stay, Mommy!
- Don't you talk that way to me!
- Hey!
What the hell's going on out here?
Die, you bastard!
Go on, throw it in his fucking face!
You just twisted the cap off the tube, buddy.
When's the last time you and your wife
had sex?
She hasn't been fucked in over a year!
- Tobacco Road!
- Come on, kumquat!
Fruitman, in the street!
- In the street! In the street!
- In the street!
Wait, wait, wait! Hey, what are you doing?
What do you think you're doing?
She speaks to me.
Over here, Magoo!
Come on. Come on. Time for school!
- Come on!
- Ding dong, baby!
What's the matter, can't you smell me?
- Come here.
- Sad fuck! Come on, kill him! Murder him!
- Time for school, baby.
- Come on.
Kill him! Kill him! Kill him! Come on!
Hit him!
Get him! Murder him! Come on! Get him!
Get in there! Punch him!
Come on, hurry up!
Ow, you fuck!
# It must be him, it must be him
# Or I shall die #
Get him! Come on! Kill him!
Punch him! Kill him!
Give me a slap! Come on!
Punch him, I wanna see some blood!
Show me you love me!
Dickhead, show me you fucking love me!
Choke him! That's it!
Sweetheart! Watch out!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Fuck! She hit me with a fucking tree!
Fucking troublemaker!
I'll kill you with a Glamour Stretcher!
Come on, you skinny thing.
Come on, you bastard.
# It must be him, it must be him
# Or I shall die #
My name is Rosebud. I did not begin right.
If I was ever well
it was before I can remember.
We're a crazy family
but there's love still here.
Our next door neighbours are mean people.
Frances' mother was in a circus.
She was an acrobat.
And she tried and tried to have a baby
and finally she had Frances
a foul-mouthed, spoiled princess
who fell in love with The Fruitman
who was born without a brain
and a pea for a heart.
This is my statement of feelings.
Thank you very much.
Rara, where are you going?
So how are you?
Fine. You?
My head hurts.
"Will there be any stars
any stars in my crown"
"When the evening sun goes down?"
"Will there be any stars in my crown?"
What can I say?
There's nothing to say.
Ethel Merman.
What about Ethel Merman?
- I never liked Ethel Merman.
- Yeah?
When I took you to see her
she intruded on our aloneness
with that foghorn of a voice.
There's lots of kinds of singers.
- Ethel belted.
- Yeah.
Didn't...
Didn't Ernest Borgnine give her a smack?
Yep. Yep.
Gave her the bloody end of the stick.
Marriage lasted a week.
Well, you can't blame Ernie.
"You Can't Get A Man With A Gun"
would drive any man crazy.
Ray Middleton, him I liked.
Hmm.
# The girl that I marry would have to be
# Soft and as pink as a nursery
# The girl I call my own
# Would wear satin and laces
# And smell like cologne #
Dear Father, forgive me
for I have sinned. It's been...
twenty, thirty years since my last
confession.
Do you believe in God?
I don't know. I'd like to.
I'm a jealous, selfish man.
My wife, she never got her due, not from me.
I loved her, but, but...
that's not enough.
Now the, uh
smoke fairy's gonna make me disappear.
Puff by puff.
My sweet little Princess Nicotine.
I'm going to die, Father.
Like everybody does, even the rich people.
So I just thought
that maybe it was time to, uh
get a few things down on the record.
I'm Kitty's husband.
I know.
Two things.
Two things a man should be able to do.
Be romantic and smoke his brains out.
I agree.
# One
# Thou shalt never love another
# Thou shalt never love another
# Two
# And stand by me all the while
# And stand by me all the while
# Three
# Take happiness with the heartaches
# Take happiness with the heartaches
# Four
# And go through life wearing a smile
# And go through life wearing a smile
# Oh, how happy we will be
# If we keep
# The ten commandments of love
# Of love
# Five
# Thou should always have faith in me
# Thou should always have faith in me
# In everything I say and do #
- Can I sit down?
- Sure.
I really miss you.
I miss you, too.
I wanted to ask you
if you could maybe...
I'll be there for you. I'll take care of you.
But I...
I can't, you know.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's not what I'm asking you.
Oh.
Sorry.
No, I'm sorry. I should've...
- I mean, I want to.
- Well.
I still have feelings.
I should hope so.
What I wanted to ask you is
now that I'm not feeling so good
if maybe you could
once in a while
scare me or something.
You know, let me know I'm still alive.
Okay.
- You understand?
- I do.
Okay.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Kiss me.
"I never knew the sky
could be so deep a blue
"Until I knew I could not grow old with you"
Hello.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
# The girl
that I marry would have to be
# Soft and as pink as a nursery
# The girl I call my own
# Would wear satin and laces
# And smell like cologne
# Her nails will be polished and in her hair
- # She'll wear a gardenia
- # There'll be a gardenia
# And I'll be there
# Instead of flittin', she'll be sittin'
# Next to me
and she'll purr like a kitten
# A doll I can carry
# The girl that I marry
# Must be #
# Didn't I make you feel
# Like you were the only man?
# Didn't I give you everything
that a woman possibly can?
# But with all the love I give you
it's never enough
# But I'm gonna show you, baby
# That a woman can be tough
# So come on, come on
# Come on, come on
# Take another little piece
of my heart now, baby
# Break it
# Break another little bit
of my heart now, honey
# Have a
# Have another little piece
of my heart now, baby
# You know you've got it
if it makes you feel good
# You're out on the street
# Looking good
# And you know deep down in your heart
that ain't right
# You never, never hear me
when I cry at night
# I tell myself that I can't stand the pain
# But when you hold me in your arms
I say it again
# So come on, come on
# Come on, come on
# Take it
# Take another little piece
of my heart now, baby
# Break it
# Break another little bit
of my heart now, baby
# You can have a
# Have another little piece
of my heart now, baby
# You know you got it
if it makes you feel good
# Take another little piece
of my heart now, baby
# Break it
# Break another little piece
of my heart now, honey #
# I wonder who's kissing him now
# I wonder who's showing him how
# I wonder who's looking
# Into his eyes
# Breathing sighs
# Telling lies
# I wonder who's buying
# The wine
# For lips that I used to call mine
# And I wonder if he
# Ever tells her of me
# I wonder
# Who's kissing him now #
That's Rosebud.
Rosebud at Cabaret.
# I asked my love to take a walk
# Take a walk, just a little way
# And as we walked along
# We talked of when would be
our wedding day
# And only say that you'll be mine
# And in no others' arms entwine
# Down beside where the waters flow
# Down by the banks of the Ohio
# I plunged a knife into her breast
# And told her she was going to rest
# She cried, "Oh, Willy, don't
you murder me"
# "I'm not prepared for eternity"
# And only say that you'll be mine
# And in no others' arms entwined
# Down beside where the waters flow
# Down by the banks of the Ohio
# And going home between
# I cried, "Oh Lord, what have I done?"
# I killed the girl I love, you see
# Because she would not marry me #