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Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Undead (2009)
Heads.
Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. Bet? Heads I win. Again... Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. Heads. Whoops! It must be indicative of something besides the redistribution of weaIth. Heads. A weaker man might be moved to re-examine his faith, for nothing eIse at Ieast in the Iaw of probabiIity... Heads. Consider. One, probabiIity is a factor which operates within naturaI forces. Two, probabiIity is not operating as a factor. Three, we are now heId within um... sub or supernaturaI forces. Discuss! /What? Look at it this way. If six monkeys... If six monkeys... The Iaw of averages, if I have got this right means... that if six monkeys were thrown up in the air Iong enough... they wouId Iand on their taiIs about as often as they wouId Iand on their... Heads, getting a bit of a bore, isn't it? A bore? /WeII... What about the suspense? What suspense? It must be the Iaw of diminishing returns. I stiII speII about to be broken. WeII, it was an even chance. Seventy eight in a row. A new record, I imagine. Is that what you imagine? A new record? No questions? Not a fIicker of doubt? I couId be wrong. No fear? /Fear? Fear! Seventy nine. I think I have it. Time has stopped dead. The singIe experience of one coin being spun once has been repeated. A hundred and fifty six times. On the whoIe, doubtfuI. Or, a spectacuIar vindication of the principIe. That each individuaI coin spun individuaIIy is... as IikeIy to come down heads as taiIs and therefore shouId cause no surprise each individuaI time it does. Heads... I've never known anything Iike it. He has never known anything Iike it. But he has never known anything to write home about. Therefore it's just nothing to write home about. What's the first thing you remember? Oh, Iet's see, hm... the first thing that comes into my head, you mean? No... the first thing you remember... No, it's not good. It's gone. So Iong time ago. You don't get my mean. Most first thing after aII the things you forgot? Oh, I see. I've forgotten the question. Are you happy? What? /Content? At ease? WeII I suppose so. /What are you going to do now? I don't know. What do you want to do? Look... What about it? We have been spinning coins together since I don't know when... and in aII that time, if it is aII that time, one hundred and fifty seven coins spun... consecutiveIy have come down heads one hundred and fifty seven consecutive times, and aII you can do is pIay with your food. Wait a minute. There was a messenger. Rosencrantz... GuiIdenstern... We were sent for. Another curious scientific phenomenon is the fact that the fingernaiIs grow after death ... as does the beard. What? Beard! /But you're not dead! I didn't say they onIy started to grow after death! The fingernaiIs aIso grow before birth. Though not the beard. What? /Beard! What's the matter with you? The toenaiIs on the other hand never grow at aII. The toenaiIs on the other foot never grow at aII. Do you remember the first thing that happened today? Oh, I woke up, I suppose. I've got it now... That man, he woke us up. A messenger. /That's it... paIe sky before dawn, a man standing on his saddIe to bang on the shutters... But then he caIIed our names... You remember, man woke us up. We were sent for. That's why we're here. TraveIing a matter of extreme urgency... a royaI summons, his very words... officiaI business no questions asked up, we get and off at the gaIIop, fearfuI Iest we come too Iate! Too Iate for what? How wouId I know? We haven't got there yet. What's that? HaIt! An audience! Don't move! Perfect... weII met, in fact, and just in time. Why's that? Why, we grow rusty and you catch us at the very point of decadence... this time tomorrow we might have forgotten everything we ever knew. We'd be back where we started, improvising. TumbIers, are you? We can give you a tumbIe, if that's your taste, and times being what they are. Otherwise for a jingIe of coin we can do you a seIection of gory romances. Pirated from the ItaIian and it doesn't take much to make a jingIe... even a singIe coin has music in it, shouId it be goId. Tragedians, at your command. My name is GuiIdenstern, and this is Rosencrantz. I'm sorry, his name's GuiIdenstern, and I'm Rosencrantz. We've pIayed to bigger, but quaIity counts for something. Tragedians? What exactIy do you do? Tragedy, sir. Deaths and discIosures, universaI and particuIar, denouements... transvestite meIodrama... We transport you back into a worId of intrigue and iIIusion. CIowns if you Iike... murders... We can do you ghosts... and battIes... on the skirmish IeveI... heroes... viIIains... tormented Iovers... set pieces in the poetic vein, we can do you rapiers, or rape... or both, by aII means faithIess wives and ravished virgins... fIagrante deIicto at a price. For which there are speciaI terms. It costs IittIe to watch, and a IittIe more to get caught up in the action. If that's your taste and times being what they are. What are they? /Indifferent. Bad? Wicked. See anything you Iike? Lucky thing we came aIong. For us? /AIso for you. For some it is performance, for others patronage, they are two sides of the same coin... or being as there are so many of us the same side of two coins. It was Iuck, then? /Or fate. Yours or ours? /It couId hardIy be one without the other. Fate then. /You said, caught up in the action? I did! I did! You're quicker than your friend. For a handfuI of coins I happen to have... a private and uncut performance of the Rape of the Sabine Women... or rather woman... or rather AIfred... and for eight you can participate. It couId have been. It didn't have to be obscene. I was prepared. But it's this, is it? No enigma... no dignity, nothing cIassicaI or poetic... onIy this... a comic pornographer and a rabbIe of prostitutes. You shouId have caught us in better times. We were purists then. Excuse me! AIfred. You're not, ah, excIusiveIy pIayers, then? We're incIusiveIy pIayers, sir. I had no idea-- /No. I mean I've heard of--, but I've never actuaIIy seen... I mean, what exactIy do you do? We keep to our usuaI stuff, more or Iess, onIy inside out. We do on stage the things that are supposed to happen off. Which is a kind of integrity, if you Iook on every exit as an entrance somewhere eIse. Wait a minute. What wiII you do for that? Do you know any good pIays? PIays? Oh, yes. One of the Greeks, perhaps? You're famiIar with the tragedies of Antiquity, are you? The great homicidaI cIassics? 'Maidens aspiring to Godheads', or vice versa? That's your kind of thing, is it? I can't say it is, reaIIy. Eh we're more of the Iove, bIood and rhetoric schooI. WeII, we can do you bIood and Iove without the rhetoric without the Iove... and we can do you aII three concurrent or consecutive. But we can't do you Iove and rhetoric without the bIood. BIood is compuIsory. They're aII bIood, you see. Is that what peopIe want? /It's what we do. WouId you Iike a bet? DoubIe or nothing. Heads. Heads. DoubIe or... nothing. Come on. I say that was Iucky. It was ''taiIs''. WeIcome! Dear Rosencrantz and GuiIdenstern. Moreover that we much did Iong to see you. The need we have to use you did provoke our hasty sending. Something have you heard of HamIet's transformation, so caII it, sith nor th' exterior nor the inward men resembIes that it was. What it shouId be, more than his father's death, that thus hath put him so much from th' understanding of himseIf. I cannot dream of. I entreat you both that, being of so young days brought up with him. And sith so neighbored to his youth and haviour, that you vouch-safe your rest here in our court some IittIe time so by your companies to draw him on to pIeasures and to gather so much as from occasion you may gIean whether aught to us unknown affIicts him thus that opened Iies within our remedy. Good... GentIeman, he hath much taIked of you, and sure I am, two men there are not Iiving to whom he more adheres. If it wiII pIease you to show us so much gentry and good wiII as to extend your time with us awhiIe for the suppIy and profit of our hope, your visitation shaII receive such thanks as fits a king's remembrance. Both your majesties might by the sovereign power you have of us, put your dread pIeasures more into command than to entreaty. But we both obey, and here give up ourseIves in the fuII bent to Iay our service freeIy at your feet, to be commanded. Thanks, Rosencrantz... and gentIe GuiIdenstern. Thanks GuiIdenstern and gentIe Rosencrantz. And I beseech you instantIy to visit my too much changed son. Heaven make our presence and our practises pIeasant and heIpfuI to him! Ah, amen! I want to go home. /Don't Iet them confuse you. We're in over our steps, heading out of depth. stepping out of the heads, so heading to that step. Stop there! Hasn't it ever happened to you that aII of a sudden and for no reason at aII you haven't the faintest idea how to speII the word... which or ''house''... because when you write it down you just can't remember ever having seen those Ietters in that order before? I remember... /What? I remember when there were no questions. There were aIways questions. Answers, yes. There were answers to everything. You've forgotten. /I haven't forgotten. How I used to remember my own name! And yours, Oh, yes! There were answers everywhere you Iooked. There was no question about it-- peopIe knew who we were and if they didn't they asked and we toId them out names. We did the troubIe is, each of them is pIausibIe, without being instinctive. Instinctive? AII your Iife you Iive so cIose to truth, it becomes a permanent bIur in the corner of your eye, and when something nudges it into outIine it is Iike being ambushed by a grotesque. A man standing in his saddIe in the haIf-Iit, haIf-aIive dawn banged in the shutters and caIIed two names. And when he caIIed we came. That much is certain, we came. WeII, I can teII you I'm sick to death of it. I don't care which one I am. So why don't you make up your mind. We didn't come aII this way for a christening. But we have been comparativeIy fortunate. We might have been Ieft to sift the whoIe fieId... of human nomen-cIauture Iike two bIind men... Iooting a bazaar for heir own portraits at Ieast we are presented with aIternatives. WeII, as from now my name is... /But not choice. Your smaIIest action sets off another somewhere eIse, and is set off by it. And I do think or eIse this brain of mine hunts not the traiI of poIicy... We're going round in circIes! ... so sure as it hath use to do that I have found the very cause of hamIet's Iunacy! Oh, speak of that! That do I Iong to hear. Give first admittance to the ambassadors. He teIIs me, my dear Gertrude, he hath found the head and source of aII your son's distemper. I doubt it is no other but the main... his father's death and our o'er hasty marriage. WeII... we shaII sift him. It's aII right. There's a Iogic at work. It's aII done for you, don't worry. Enjoy it. ReIax. ReIax. We have been briefed. /Have we? HamIet's transformation. What do you recoIIect? WeII, he's changed, hasn't he? The exterior and inward man faiIs to resembIe. Draw him onto pIeasures... gIean what affIicts him. Something more than his father's death. He's aIways taIking about us... there aren't two peopIe Iiving whom he dotes on more than us. We cheer him up... find out what's the matter. /ExactIy. It's a matter of asking the right questions and giving away as IittIe as we can. And then we can go? And receive such thanks as fits as king's remembrance. Oh, I Iike the sound of that... What do you think she means by remembrance? He doesn't forget his friend? /WouId you care to estimate? Some kings tend to be amnesiac, others in the opposite, I suppose... whatever that is... How much? /EIephantine. How much? Retentive... he's a very retentive king, a royaI retainer. What are you pIaying at? Words... words they're aII we have to go on. Look at this. Leave things aIone. /Sorry. This is interesting. You wouId think that this wouId faII faster than this, wouIdn't you? WeII... and you'd be absoIuteIy right. Fancy a game? We're spectators. Do you want to pIay questions? How do you pIay that? /You have to ask questions. Statement! One... Iove. Cheating! /How? I hadn't started yet. /Statement! Two... Iove. Are you counting that? /What? Are you counting that? FouI! No repetitions. Three... Iove and game. I'm not going to pIay if you're going to be Iike that. Whose serve? Err... /Hesitation! Love... one. Whose go? /Why? Why not? /What for? FouI! No synonyms! One... aII. What in God's name is going on? FouI! No rhetoric! Two... one. What does it aII add up to? /Can't you guess? Were you addressing me? /Is there anyone eIse? Who? /How wouId I know? Why do you ask? /Are you serious? Was that rhetoric? /No. Statement! Two aII. Game point. What's the matter with you today? /When? What? /Are you deaf? Am I dead? /Yes or no? Is there a choice? /Is there a God? FouI! No non sequiturs! Three... two, one game aII. What's your name? /What's yours? You first. /Statement! One... Iove. What's your name when you're at home? /What's yours? When I'm at home? /Is it different at home? What home? /Haven't you got one? Why do you ask? /What are you driving at? What's your name? Repetition! Two... Iove. Match point. Who do you think you are? /Rhetoric!! Game and match! Rosencrantz! /What? There! How was that? /CIever. NaturaI? /Instinctive! Now I'II try you! /Not yet! Catch me unawares! GuiIden... /Me unawares. Ready? /Never mind. ... for I wiII use no art, mad Iet us grant him then and now remains. That we find out the cause of this effect, or rather say, the cause of this defect. For this effect defective, comes by cause: Thus it remains, and the remainder thus. Perpend. I have a daughter: Have, whiIe she mine. Who in her duty and obedience, mark. Hath given me this: now gather, and surmise. ''To the CeIestiaI, and my souI's idoI, the most beautified OpheIia'' That's an iII phrase, a viIe phrase, beautified is a viIe phrase: but eh, you shaII hear thus ''In her exceIIent white bosom...'' Came this from HamIet to her? Good Madam stay awhiIe, I wiII be faithfuI. ''Doubt thou, the stars are fire.'' ''Doubt that the sun doth move, but never doubt I Iove.'' ... this hot Iove on the wing, as I perceived it, I must teII you that. Before my daughter toId me, what might you. Or my dear Majesty your Queen here, think, If I had pIay'd the desk or tabIe-book. Or given my heart a winking, dump, or Iook'd upon this Iove, with idIe sight, what might you think? No, I went round to work, and my mistress thus I did bespeak, Lord HamIet is a Prince out of thy star, this must not be... How does my good Iord HamIet? WeII, God have mercy. Do you know me, my Iord? ExceIIent. ExceIIent weII. You are a fishmonger. /Not I, my Iord. Then I wouId you were so honest a man. /Honest my Iord? What do you read, my Iord? Words, words, words. What is the matter, my Iord? /Between who? I mean the matter that your read, my Iord. /Statement. But the satiricaI roIe it says here that oId man have grey beards... Who was that? /Didn't you know him? He didn't know me. /He didn't see you. I didn't see him. /We shaII see. I hardIy knew him, he's changed. You couId see that? /Transformed. How do you know? /Inside and out. I see. /He's not himseIf. He's changed. /I couId see that. GIean what affIicts him! Me? /Him. How? /Question and answer. He's affIicted. /You question, I answer. He's not himseIf, you know. /I'm him, you see. Who am I? /You're yourseIf. And he's you? /Not a bit of it. Are you affIicted? /That's the idea. Are you ready? Let's go back a bit. I'm affIicted. /I see. GIean what affIicts me. /Right. Question and answer. /How shouId I begin? Address me. My dear GuiIdenstern! You've forgotten, haven't you? /My dear Rosencrantz! I don't think you quite understand. What we are attempting is a hypothesis... in which I answer for him whiIe you ask me question. Ready? You know what to do? /What? Are you stupid? /Parden? Are you deaf? /Did you speak? Not now... /Statement! Not now! What sign? What? /WeII... uh, uh... WouId you Iike a bite? /No. Thank you. Oh, you mean you pretend to be him. And I ask you questions! Very good. You had me confused. /I couId see I had. How shouId I begin? /Address me. My honoured Iord! /My dear Rosencrantz! Am I pretending to be you, then? /CertainIy not. WeII if you Iike. ShaII we continue. My honoured Iord! /My dear feIIow! How are you? /AffIicted! ReaIIy? In what way? /Tranformed. Inside or out? /Both. I see. Not much new there. Look go into detaiIs... DeIve. Probe the background... estabIish the situation. So your uncIe's the king of Denmark? That's right. And my father before him. His father before him. /No, my father before him. But sureIy... /You may weII ask. Let me get it straight. Your father was king. You were his onIy son. Your father dies. You are of age. Your uncIe becomes king. Yes. /UnusuaI. Undid me. /UndeniabIe. He sIipped in. /Which reminds me. WeII, it wouId. I don't want to be personaI. /It's common knowIedge. Your mother's marriage. /He sIipped in. His body was stiII warm. /So was hers. Extraordinary. /Indecent. It makes you think. /Don't think I haven't. And with her husband's brother. /They were cIose. She went to him. /Too cIose. For comfort. /It Iooks bad. It adds up. /Incest to aduItery. WouId you go so far. /Never! To sum up! Your father, whom you Iove, dies, you are his heir, you come back... to find that hardIy was the corpse coId before his young brother... poped onto his throne and into his sheets, thereby offending both IegaI and naturaI practice. Now... why exactIy are you behaving in this extraordinary manner? I can't imagine! And yet we were sent for. And we did come. Rosencrantz... What? /GuiIdenstern. What? /Don't you discriminate at aII? What? /Nothing! Look at this! Watch cIoseIy! Interesting. WiII you waIk out of the air, my Iord? Into my grave? Indeed that is out of the air. My honourabIe Iord. I wouId, most humbIy, take my Ieave of you. You cannot, sir, take from me anything that I wiII more wiIIingIy part with aII. Except my Iife. Except my Iife. Except my Iife. Fare you weII, my Iord. There tedious oId fooIs. You go to seek the Iord HamIet? There he is. What's he doing? TaIking... to himseIf. My honoured Iord! My most dear Iord! My exceIIent good friends! How dost thou, GuiIdenstern? Ah, Rosencrantz! Oh, good Iads, how do you both? As the indifferent chiIdren of the earth. Happy in that we are not overhappy. On Fortune's cap we are not the very button. Nor the soIes of her shoes? Neither, my Iord. Then you Iive about her waist, or in the middIe of her favours? Faith, her privates we. In the secret parts of fortune? O, most true! She is a strumpet. WeII what news? None, my Iord, but that the worId's grown honest. Then is doomsday near. But your news is not true. Let me question more in particuIar. What have you, my good friends deserved at the hands of fortune that she spends you to prison hither? Prison, my Iord? Denmark's a prison. Then is the worId one. A goodIy one, in which there are many confines, wards and dungeons, Denmark begin one of the worst. We think not so, my Iord. Why, then 'tis none to you, for there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. To me it is a prison. Why then your ambition makes it one. 'Tis too narrow for your mind. O, God, I couId be bounded in a nutsheII and count myseIf a king of infinite space... were it not that I have bad dreams. But in the beaten way of friendship, what make you at EIsinore? To visit you, my Iord: no other occasion. Beggar that I am, I am even poor in thanks but I thank you. Were you not sent for? Is it your own incIining? Is it a free visitation? WeII... come, come, nay, speak. What shouId we say, my Iord? Why anything but to the purpose. You were sent for. And there is a kind of confession in your Iooks which your modesties have not craft enough to coIour. I know the good King and Queen have sent for you. To what end, my Iord? That you must teach me. Be even and direct with me, whether you were sent for or no. My Iord, we were sent for. Ah... I wiII teII you why. I know he finds it striking too short at grief... His antique sword the bearer to his arms Iies where it faIIs, repugnant to command. I have of Iate, but wherefore I know not, Iost aII my mirth, foregone aII custom of exercises, and indeed, it goes so heaviIy with my dispositions... that this goodIy frame, the earth, seems to me a steriIe promontory: this most exceIIent canopy, the air, Iook you, this brave o'er hanging firmament... this majesticaI roof fretted with goIden fire, Why, it appeareth nothing to me but a fouI and pestiIent congregation of vapours. What a piece of work is a man, How nobIe in reason, how infinite in facuIties, in form and moving how express and admirabIe, in action how Iike an angeI, in apprehension how Iike a god: the beauty of the worId, the paragon of animaIs, and yet to me, what is this quint essence of dust? Man deIights not me... nor woman neither though by your smiIing you seem to say so. My Iord, there was no such stuff in my thoughts. Why did ye Iaugh then, when I said ''Man deIights not me''? To think, my Iord, if you deIight not in man... what Lenten entertainment the pIayers shaII receive from you. We coted them on the way: and hither are they coming to offer you service. Eh, he that pIays the king shaII be weIcome. GentIeman, you are weIcome to EIsinore. Your hands, come then. You are weIcome. But my uncIe-father and aunt-mother are deceived. In what, my dear Iord? I am but mad north-northwest. when the wind is southerIy I know a hawk from a handsaw. WeII be with you, gentIeman. Hark you... GuiIdenstern... And eh you too, at each ear a hearer. that great baby you see there is not yet out of his swaddIing cIouts. I wiII prophesy he comes to teII me of the pIayers. My Iord, I have news to teII you. Eh my Iord, I have news to teII you. When Roscius was an actor in Rome. The actors are come hither, my Iord. Buzz, buzz. Upon my honour-- Then came each actor on his ass. The best actors in the worId, either for tragedy, comedy... history, pastoraI, pastoraI-comicaI, historicaI-pastoraI, tragicaI-historicaI. I thought you... /No. I say... Iook at this! I think we can say we made some progress. You think so? /I think we can say that. I think we can say he made us Iook ridicuIous. We pIayed it cIose to the chest of course. /Question and answer! He was scoring off us aII down the Iine. He caught us on the wrong foot once or twice, perhaps, but I think we gained some ground. He murdered us. /He might have had the edge. Twenty-seven-three, and you think he might have had the edge? He murdered us. /What about our evasions? Oh, our evasions were IoveIy. You were sent for? He says. ''My Iord, we were sent for.'' I didn't know where to put myseIf. /He had six rhetoricaIs- It was question and answer aIright. /And two repetitions. Twenty-seven questions he got out and answered three. I was waiting for you to deIve. When is he going to start deIving, I asked myseIf. We got his symptoms, didn't we? HaIf of what he said meant something eIse, and the other haIf didn't mean anything at aII. Thwarted ambition a sense of grievance, that's my diagnosis. Six rhetoricaI and two repetition, Ieaving nineteen of which we answered fifteen. And what did we get in return? He's depressed! Denmark's a prison and he'd rather Iive in a nutsheII. Some shadow pIay about the nature of ambition and finaIIy one direct question which might've Ied somewhere and Ied in fact to his iIIuminating cIaim to teII a hawk for a handbag. Handsaw. /Handsaw. When the wind is southerIy. And the weather's cIear. And when it isn't he can't. He's at the mercy of the eIements. Is that southerIy? We came from roughIy south. Which way is that? In the morning the sun wouId be easterIy. I think we can assume that. That it's morning? If it is, and the sun is over there, for instance, that wouId be northerIy. On the other hand, if it is not morning and the sun is over there. that wouId stiII be northerIy. To put it another way, if we came from down there, and it's morning, the sun wouId be up there... but if is actuaIIy, over there, and it's stiII morning, we must have come from back there and if that is southerIy, and the sun is reaIIy over there... then it's the afternoon. However, if none of these is the case. Why don't you go and have a Iook? /Pragmatism! Is that aII you have to offer? I mereIy suggest the position of the sun... if it is out, wouId give you a rough idea of the time. AIternativeIy, the cIock, if it is going, wouId give you a rough idea of the position of the sun. I forget which you are trying to estabIish. I am trying to estabIish the direction of the wind. There isn't any wind. Draught, yes. Repugnant to command, unequaI match'd Pyrrhus at Priam drives, in rage strikes wide. but with the whiff and wind of his feII sword, the unnerved father faIIs. Then senseIess IIium, seeming to feeI his bIow, with fIaming top. Stoops to his base, and with a hideous crash. Takes prisoner Pyrrhus' ear. For Io, his sword... Of reverend Priam, seem'd I the air to stick... Mind the bottom of... the step. Sorry. Aroused vengeance sets him new a-word, and never did the CycIops' hammers faII on Mars his armours, forg'd for proof eterne, with Iess remorse than Pyrrhus bIeeding sword. Priam. Out... out thou strumpet Fortune, aII you gods, in generaI Synod take away her power, break aII the spokes and feIIies from her wheeI, and bowI the round nave down the hiII of Heaven, as Iow as to the fiends. This is too Iong. It shaII to the barber's, with your beard. Prithee say on: he's for a speech, or a taIe of bawdry, or he sIeeps. Say on, come to Hecuba. But who, O who, had seen the mobIed Queen... The mobIed Queen? /That's good, mobIed Queen is good. This is interesting. 'Tis weII. I'II have thee speak out the rest of this soon. Good, my Iord, wiII you see the pIayers weII bestowed? Do you hear? Let them be weII used, for they are the abstract and brief chronicIes of the time. After your death you were better have a bad epitaph than their iII report whiIe you Iive. My Iord, I wiII use them according to their desert. God's bodkin, man, much better! Use every man after his desert, and who shaII scape whipping? Use them after your own honour and dignity. The Iess they deserve, the more merit is in your bounty. Take them in. /Come sirs. FoIIow him, friends: we'II hear a pIay tomorrow. Can you pIay the ''Murder of Gonzago''? Ay, my Iord. We'II have it tomorrow night. You couId for a need study a speech of some 12 or 16 Iines which I wouId set down and insert in it. FoIIow that Iord and Iook you mock him not. My good friends, I'II Ieave you tiII night. You are weIcome in EIsinore. Good, my Iord. So you've caught up. Not yet, sir. Now mind your tongue, or we'II have it out and throw the rest of you away Iike a nightingaIe at a Roman feast. Took the words out of my mouth. /You'd be Iost for words. You'd be tongue tied. /Like a mute in a monoIogue. Like a nightingaIe at a Roman feast. You Ieft us. /Yes... on the road. You don't understand the humiIiation of it... to be tricked out of the singIe assumption that makes our existence bearabIe. That somebody is watching. We are actors, we are the opposite of peopIe. So? /We need an audience. We had an appointment. /That is true. You know why you're here. We onIy know what we're toId and for aII we know it isn't even true. One acts on assumptions. What do you assume? HamIet is not himseIf outside or in. We have to gIean what affIicts him. He's meIanchoIy. /MeIanchoIy? Mad. /How is he mad? How's he mad? More morose than mad perhaps. MeIanchoIy. /Moody. He had moods. /Of moroseness? Madness and yet. /Quite. For instance. He taIks to himseIf which might be madness. If he didn't taIk sense, which he does. /Which suggests the opposite. Of what? /I think I have it. A man taIking sense to himseIf... is no madder than a man taIking nonsense not to himseIf. Or just as mad. /Or just as mad. And he does both. /So there you are. Start raving sane. /Why? Ah. Why? /ExactIy. ExactIy what? ExactIy why? /ExactIy why what? What? /Why? Why what, exactIy? /Why is he mad? I don't know! The oId man thinks he's in Iove with his daughter. We're out of our depth here! No, no, no, he hasn't got a daughter, the oId man thinks he's in Iove with his daughter. The oId man is? HamIet. In Iove. Man's daughter. The oId man thinks. It's beginning to make sense! Unrequited passion! Where are you going? I can come and go as I pIease. You know your way around. /I've been here before. We're stiII finding our feet. I shouId concentrate on not Iosing your heads. Do you speak from knowIedge? /Precedent. You've been here before. And I know which way the wind is bIowing. Wait! Back! This pIace is a mad house. Behind ye! Are you famiIar with this pIay? /No. A sIaughterhouse, eight corpses aII toId. Six. /Eight. What are they? They're dead. Actor! What do you know about death? The mechanics of cheap meIodrama! /Cheap meIodrama. It doesn't bring death home to anyone! /It's not at home to anyone! Shut up! /Shut up! You can't do death! On the contrary, it's what we do best. We have to expIoit whatever taIent is given to us and our taIent is for dying. We can die heroicaIIy, comicaIIy, ironicaIIy, sadIy, suddenIy, sIowIy... disgustingIy charmingIy or from a great height. Audiences know what to expect, and that is aII they are prepared to beIieve in. Next... And can you by no drift of conference get from him why he puts on his confusion? He does confess he feeIs himseIf distracted. But from what cause he wiII by no means speak. (To be or not to be...) that is the question. Did he receive you weII? Most Iike a gentIeman. But with much forcing of his disposition. Niggard of question but of our demands, most free in his repIy. Did you assay him to any pastime? Madam, it so feII out that certain pIayers we o'er-raught on the wat of these we toId him, and there did seem in him a kind ofjoy to hear of it. They are here about the court, this night to pIay before him. 'Tis most true, and he beseeched me to entreat your Majesties to here and see the matter. Good gentIemen, give him a further edge and drive his purpose into these deIights. We shaII, my Ioad. Sweet Gertrude, Ieave us too... For we have cIoseIy sent for HamIet hither, that he, as 'twere by accident may here affront OpheIia. Do you ever think of yourseIf as actuaIIy dead Iying in a box with a Iid on it? No. Nor do I reaIIy. It's siIIy to be depressed by it. I mean, one thinks of it Iike being aIive in a box, and one keeps forgetting to take into account the fact that one is dead... which shouId make aII the difference... shouIdn't it? I mean, you'd never know you were in a box, wouId you? It wouId be just Iike you were asIeep in a box. Not that I'd Iike to sIeep in a box, mind you, not without any air, you'd wake up dead for a start, and then where wouId you be? In a box. That's the bit I don't Iike frankIy. That's why don't think of it. Because you'd be heIpIess? Stuffed in a box Iike that, I mean, you'd be in there for ever. Even taking into account the fact that you're dead, it isn't a pIeasant thought. EspeciaIIy if you're dead, reaIIy... ask yourseIf, if I asked you straight off... I'm going to stuff you in this box now, wouId you rather be aIive or dead. NaturaIIy, you prefer to be aIive. Life in a box is better than no Iife at aII. I expect. You'd have a chance at Ieast. You couId Iie there thinking weII, at Ieast I'm not dead! In a minute somebody is going to bang on the Iid and teII me to come out. Hey, you! What's yer name! Come out of there! I think I'm going to kiII you. Nymph, in thy orisons be aII my sins remembered. I wouIdn't think about it, if I were you. You'd onIy get depressed. My Iord, I have rememberances of yours that I have Iong had Iong to redeIiver, I pray you now receive them. No, not I. I never gave you ought. My honoured Iord, you know right weII you did. And with them words of so sweet breath composed as made the things more rich. Whatever became of the moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one, a moment, in chiIdhood, when it first occurred to you that you don't go on forever. It must have been shattering stamped into one's memory. And yet I can't remember it. It never occurred to me at aII. We must be born with an intuition of mortaIity. Before we know the word for it, before we know that there are words, out we come, bIoodied and squaIIing... with the knowIedge that for aII the points of the compass, there's onIy one direction and time is its onIy measure. What is the dumb show for? /It's a device, reaIIy, it makes the action that foIIows more or Iess comprehensibIe. You understand, we are tied down to a Ianguage which makes up in obscurity what it Iacks in styIe. Is this the ''Murder of Gonzago''? /That's the Ieast of it. Who was that? The king's brother and uncIe to the prince. Not exactIy fraternaI. Not exactIy avuncuIar as time goes on. Go to, I'II no more on't, it hath made me mad! I say we wiII have no more marriages! Those that are married aIready aII but one shaII Iive. The rest shaII keep as they are. To a nunnery, go. That didn't Iook Iike Iove to me. Love! His affections do not that way tend, nor what he spake, though it Iacked form a IittIe, was not Iike madness. How now OpheIia. You need not teII us what Lord HamIet said, we heard it aII. There's something in his souI o'er which his meIanchoIy sits on brood. And I do doubt the hatch and the discIose wiII be some danger, which for to prevent I have in quick determination. Thus set it down: he shaII with speed to EngIand. GentIemen! GentIemen, it doesn't seem to be coming. We are not getting it at aII what do you think? What was I supposed to think? /Wasn't that the end? Do you caII that an ending? With practicaIIy everyone stiII on his feet? My goodness no over your dead body. There's a design at work in aII art sureIy you know that? Events must pIay themseIves out to an aesthetic, moraI and IogicaI concIusion. And what's that in this case? /It never varies. We aim for the point where everyone who is marked for death dies. Marked? GeneraIIy speaking things have gone about as far as they can possibIy go when things have got about as bad as they can reasonabIy get. Who decides? Decides? It is written. We're tragedians, you see. We foIIow direction there is no choice invoIved. The bad end unhappiIy, the good unIuckiIy. That is what tragedy means. Next! Having murdered his brother and wooed the widow, the Poisoner mounts the throne! Here we see him. And his queen give rein to their unbridIed passion! Enter Lucianus, nephew to the king! Usurped by his uncIe and shattered by his mother's incestuous marriage... He Ioses his reason. Throwing the court into turmoiI and disarray staggering from the suicidaI to the mereIy idIe. He has a pIan to catch the conscience of the king. The king rises! What... frighted with faIse fire! How fares my Iord? Give o'er the pIay! /Give me some Iight! Away! That's so interesting pIay. What a thing of the worId! It wasn't that bad... There's something they're not teIIing us. /What? There's something they're not teIIing us. My Iord... My Iord... The Queen wouId speak with you. And presentIy... Do you see yonder cIoud that's aImost in the shape of a cameI? By the mass, and this Iike a cameI indeed. Me thinks it is Iike a weaseI. /It is backed Iike a weaseI. Or Iike a whaIe? /Very Iike a whaIe. Then I wiII come to my mother by and by. I wiII say so. /'By and by' is easiIy said. Leave me, friends. I Iike him not, nor stand it safe with us to Iet his madness range. Therefore prepare you. I your commission wiII forthwith despatch, and he to EngIand shaII aIong with you. No by the Rood, not so: You are the Queen, your husband's brother's wife, but wouId you were not so. You are my mother. Nay, then I'II set those to you than can speak. Come come and sit you down, you shaII not budge. You go not tiII I sent you up a gIass, where you may see the in most part of you. What wiIt thou do thou: wiIt not murder me. HeIp... heIp... ho. How now! A rat? Dead, for a ducat dead! Oh, I am sIain! /Oh me, what hast thou done? Nay, I know not! Is the king? Oh, what a rash and bIoody deed is this? A rash and bIoody deed? A bIoody deed aImost as bad, good mother, as kiII a king and marry with his brother. As kiII a king? /Ay, Iady, it was my word. Thou wretched, rash, intruding fooI, fareweII! Is that you? /I don't know. It's you. We're not dead yet then? /WeII we're here, aren't we? Are we? I can't see a thing. We're on a boat. /I know. Dark, isn't it? /Not for night. No, not for night. It's dark for day. /Oh, yes, it's dark for day. Do you think death couId possibIy be a boat? No, no, no... death is... not. Death isn't. You take my meaning. Death is the uItimate negative. Not being. You can't not be on a boat. I've frequentIy not been on boats. No, no, no... what you've been is not on boats. I wish I was dead. I couId jump over the side. That wouId put a spoke in their wheeI. UnIess they're counting on it. I shaII remain on board. That wiII put a spoke in their wheeI. You aII right? /Yes, why? WouId you Iike to come up now? /Yes aII right, thank you. Try to be more carefuI. /Sorry. Nice bit of pIanking that. /Yes. LoveIy biIges. /Yes. BeautifuI bottom... /Yes. I'm very fond of boats myseIf. I Iike the way they're contained. You don't have to worry about which way to go, or whether to go at aII... the question doesn't arise, does it? I think I'II spend the rest of my Iife on boats. Very heaIthy. /One is free on a boat. For a time, reIativeIy. I think I'm going to be sick. He's there! What's he doing? /SIeeping. It's aII right for him. What is? /He can sIeep. It's aII right for him. /He's got us now. He can sIeep. /It's aII done for him. He's got us. /And we've got nothing. And we've got nothing. Why don't you say something originaI! You don't take me up on anything... you just repeat everything I say in a different order. I can't think of anything originaI. I am onIy good in support. I'm sick of making the running. There it's aII right. I'II see we're aII right. But we've got nothing to go on. We're out on our own. We're on our way to EngIand. We're taking HamIet to the EngIish King. What for? /What for? Where have you been? When? We've got a Ietter. You remember the Ietter. Do I? Everything is expIained in the Ietter. Is that it, then? /What? So we take HamIet to the EngIish King, we hand over the Ietter, what then? That's it, we're finished. /Who is the EngIish King? That depends on when we get there. So we've got a Ietter which expIains everything. You've got it. I thought you had it. /I do have it. You have it. /You've got it. I don't get it. /You haven't got it. I just said that. /I've got it. Oh, I've got it. /Shut up. Right. What a shambIes! We're just not getting anywhere! I don't beIieve in it anyway. In what? /EngIand. Just a conspiracy of cartographers, you mean? /I mean I don't beIieve it. And even if it's true, the King of EngIand won't know what we're taking about. What are we going to say? /We say your majesty, we have arrived. And who are you? /We are Rosencrantz and GuiIdenstern. Never heard of you! /WeII, we're nobody speciaI. What's your game? /We have our instructions... First I've heard of it. /Let me finish. We've come from Denmark. What do you want? /Nothing... We're deIivering HamIet... /Who's he? You've heard of him. /Oh, I've heard of him aII right and I want nothing to do with it. You march in here without so much as a by your Ieave and expect me to take in every Iunatic you try to pass off with a Iot of unsubstantiated. We've got a Ietter! /I see... I see... WeII, this seems to support your story. Such as it is... it is an exact command from the King of Denmark. for severaI different reasons, importing Denmark's heaIth and EngIand's too, that on the reading of this Ietter, without deIay, I shouId have HamIet's head cut off! We're his friends. How do you know? From our young days brought up with him. You've onIy got their word for it. But that's what we depend on. WeII, yes... and then again no. Let us keep things in proportion. Assume, if you Iike, that they're going to kiII him. WeII, he is a man, he is mortaI. Death comes too, so on extra. And consequentIy he wouId have died anyway, sooner or Iater. And then again, what is so terribIe about death? As Socrates so phiIosophicaIIy put it, since we don't know what death is, it is iIIogicaI to fear it. It might be... very nice. Or to Iook at it another way, we are IittIe men, we don't know the ins and outs of the matter, there are wheeIs within wheeIs, etc... AII in aII, I think we'd be weII advised to Ieave weII aIone. It's awfuI. /But it couId have been worse. I was beginning to think it was. Night. Huh, aII in the same boat then. What do you make of it so far? What's a happening? Pirates. Everyone on stage! HamIet! Where's HamIet? Gone. /Gone where? The pirates took him. But they can't. We're supposed to be... we've got a Ietter which says... the whoIe thing's pointIess without him, we need HamIet for our reIease! I'II pretend to be... You pretend to be him and... I suppose we just go on. /Go where? EngIand. /EngIand! I don't beIieve it! Just a conspiracy of cartographers you mean. I mean I don't beIieve it and even if it's true what do we say? We say we've arrived! /Who are you? We are GuiIdenstern and Rosencrantz. Which is which? /WeII, I'm GuiIdenstern. And then he's Rosencrantz. ExactIy. /What does this have to do with me? You turn up out of the bIue with some cock and buII story. We have a Ietter! /A Ietter! As EngIand is Denmark's faithfuI tributary as Iove between them Iike the paIm might fIourish, etc. That on the knowing of this contents, without deIay of any kind... shouId those bearers Rosencrantz and GuiIdenstern, put to sudden death. Not that Ietter. Give him the other one. I haven't got another one. They've gone! It's aII over! Where we went wrong? Was getting on a boat. They had it in for us didn't they? Right from the beginning who'd have thought that we were so important? But why? Was it aII for this? Who are we that so much shouId converge on our IittIe deaths? You are Rosencrantz and GuiIdenstern. That is enough. No, it is not enough. To be toId so IittIe to such an end and stiII, finaIIy, to be denied an expIanation. In our experience, aImost everything ends in death. Your experience! Actors! You die a thousand casuaI deaths and come back in a different hat. But nobody gets up after death... there's no appIause onIy siIence and some secondhand cIothes, that's death! If we have a destiny, then so had he and this is ours, then that was his and if there are no expIanations for us, then Iet there be none for him. Oh, come, come gentIemen, no fIattery it was mereIy competent. You see, it is the kind you do beIieve in, it's what is expected. Deaths for aII ages and occasions! Deaths of king and princes and nobodies... That's it then, is it? We've done nothing wrong. We didn't harm anyone, did we? I can't remember. AII right, then, I don't care. I've had enough. To teII you the truth, I'm reIieved. There must have been a moment at the beginning, where we couId have said no. But somehow we missed it. WeII, we'II now better next time. TiII then. The sight is dismaI. And our affairs from EngIand come too Iate. The ears are senseIess that shouId give us hearing. To teII him his commandment is fuIfiIIed... that Rosencratz and GuiIdenstern are dead. |
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