(Eerie, echoing music)
(Applause and cheering)
(Cheering and applause)
- Thank you very much! Hello!
- (Applause)
Thank you very much! Hello!
- (Applause)
- Whoo-hoo!
Hell-o-o-o-o, hello, hello!
Hello, there! Hi! You lovely lot.
How are you all? Well?
Ya-a-a-a-ay! Excellent stuff there!
How are you lads there?
Desperately trying to get to your seats
without anyone noticing!
Sorry, l said lads, it's a bloke and a woman.
Fantastic!
What a great way to start a show that is!
How are you, sir,
and your incredibly butch girlfriend?
That's all l can say.
Sorry, she's not, l'm sure.
Look at that, haven't even opened me mouth
and l've already offended him!
That's great. Sorry, you're not.
You're a very fine-looking lady.
l'm not trying to pull her, l'm just saying...
You're late. l thought l'd try and dig myself
out of the hole l'd created.
And an excellent fringe, might l add?
Well done!
Cos some people have the hair
and then like a bit of a fringe,
but you've fully committed, haven't you?
You've got fringe! There's no...
There's no kind of gentle kind of...
There's no, like, oh, bit of a hairline.
FRlNGE!
When you first came in there, l actually
thought you were wearing a helmet.
You know what l mean? l thought, ''Brilliant.
''Somebody's decided to bring along
some kind of human cannonball lass.''
Wouldn't that be brilliant
if l'd laid that on as a big start to the show?
lt was amazing,
he came out, he said hello to everyone
and then he actually pushed on a cannon.
And some lass who'd fashioned her hair
into a cannon shape,
she just stood up and went,
''Can l have a go, Ross?'' lt was brilliant!
And she walked... There's a fella
down the front covering his eyes!
Thank God that's with laughter.
lt's not really gonna happen!
He's just going,
''Shit, l'd better get myself ready!''
''How many shows have l been to where
lasses have been fired from the stage?
''Oh, why, only last week, l had a tiny woman
fired directly into me eye!
''lt was a bloody nightmare! l had to have
corrective laser eye surgery done.''
''Excuse me, l appear to have
a lass trapped in my face.''
The...er... Just her legs kicking out like that!
''Bloody hell, l've got a lass in me eye!''
lt wouldn't be the actual pain of having her
in the eye, it would be all the gel off the hair
that had got in and was just running down.
Still... Are your eyes all right, mate?
You seem to have worn some sort of
hooded top this evening. Well done.
Are you a proper hoodie or are you... No?
You're just a little bit nippy! Fair enough.
That's us. l love this weather.
l love watching hoodies.
They're not quite sure.
They wanna put their hoods up for warmth.
At the same time, they know if they put it up,
they'll be instantly arrested.
They're just there going,
''Aw, shit, what do l do? Yahhh!''
Of course, what she's cleverly done
is work the hood into a...
- (Laughter)
- ..into an actual...
(Applause)
That's what they should do!
Hoodies spend all their time, ''Oh, we can't
wear our hoods in the Metro Centre.
''We're not allowed to wear our hoods.''
Simply grow your hair like mine,
then just gel it all forward
into a big hood situation.
Mebbes even these bits,
grow your sideburns
and have them kind of like
the pulley bits there!
Sort of... You could even put toggles on
if you wanted.
The... You'd look like one of those rabbis,
you know, with the curly... The, er, whoo!
l'm not suggesting rabbis pull on their...
That would be brilliant, wouldn't it?
lf you just saw a rabbi just walking along
the street like that, all holy and religious,
and then he just turned and, when no one
was looking, he just - pouf - like that.
And his thing goes, wey-hey, like that
and he goes whoo-hoo!
Wey-hey!
And mebbes that - fumph - and then all just
religious scripture came out the top like that.
He'd go fumph, wey-hey, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Walking around dispensing
religious scripture to everyone he sees.
''Would you like some scripture?''
Pumph, weeeeeeeee!
''My work here is done.''
And then off he goes into the night.
You're not a rabbi, are you? A casual rabbi?
What's your name, my friend?
Steven. Excellent stuff. And it's quite...
That must be new. lt's very...
lt is... Well, l would've gone so far as clean
rather than shiny.
But...er...does it shine, as well?
That'd be great if we turned the lights off
and you were just - # Ah-haaaaaa #
Just moving around there. Hello. Welcome.
l'm sorry if you were expecting to be fired
out of a cannon. lt's already been done.
The job's already been taken.
What can l say?
- Wow, look at your big frizzy hair, mate!
- (Laughter)
Nice work!
That's almost like the venue provided me
with a stunt double, know what l mean?
They just went,
''What happens if he falls over
''in some kind... Some kind of
horrible incident during the show...
''Don't worry, we'll send an equally
frizzy-haired man down the front there
''and he can just jump in...''
You don't have to.
The look of panic on your face there!
Just went, ''Oh, shit, l don't feel l'm qualified
for such a thing!''
l'm surprised you didn't go,
''l will, l'm shiny, l'm shiny!
''Look at me shine for everyone's pleasure!''
For everyone's pleasure?
That sounded wrong.
Like people were just poking you with sticks.
''Go on, shine, shine!''
''l don't want...''
''He's brilliant, he shines, he's brilliant!
''Ohhhhh, he's fantastic! lf there was
a power cut, oh, you'd know about it.''
So, anyway, you're very welcome,
my frizzy friend. Hi.
You're looking very timid
and slightly worried.
Don't be worried, everything's fine.
We've all got together, we've already met.
ln fact, just before you walked in,
we were all in a big Jacuzzi rolling around.
Yeah, it was a bloody nightmare. There was
a lass fired herself out of a cannon.
Yeah, it was great. This poor lad here,
he had a bit of an eye wash.
Just a bit of a... Just like that
cos it was getting in his eye.
- l'll fuck off, then.
- (Roar of laughter)
(Ross laughs)
That was great. Your face was just like that.
''Please leave me alone.
''l don't wanna get involved.''
Yeah, what were you up to? Were you out
sampling the joys of the city centre there?
There was a horse at the Monument
earlier on!
What's going on with that? l was walking...
You expect Christmas...
There's some sort of weird tent village,
as well, that's cropped up.
ls there some sort of refugee camp
turned up?
Just arts and crafts out of tents? lt's weird.
lt's like the gayest circus
l've ever seen in me life.
- Arts and crafts and then just a horse...
- (Laughter)
Just... Some of you aren't really sure,
are you?
Going, ''He's making that up, that's bollocks.
''l mean, the bit about the cannon,
that's true, yes,
''cos l do know a lot of shows
fire people into the audience,
''but, quite frankly,
a horse at the Monument?''
lt was next to the Monument,
it wasn't up the Monument.
That'd be a helluva Christmas exhibition,
wouldn't it?
They just open the little door
and push a horse right up to the very top.
Mebbes chuck it off like they do in Spain!
ls that Spain they do that? Chucking horses
off balconies? Welcome along.
Was it the horse?
Could you not help yourself?
What a nightmare! You've got to the front
and some bastard's nicked your seat!
No, no, it's all right, it's fine.
ls it in the front... Oh, yeah.
- Probably one of them empty ones.
- (Roar of laughter)
Oh, he was like Hercule Poirot there,
weren't you?
He was just going, ''Mm, where will it be?''
Probably not the ones people are sitting in.
That'd be hilarious
if all you heard at the back was,
''Hey, get out of me seat, you shiny bastard!''
''Sorry.''
He just about... ''Excuse me, l think you've
got...'' ''l don't think l have.'' Pull...woomph!
(Laughter)
That was his hood coming up there,
by the way.
l'm not suggesting you've all of a sudden
become a rabbi.
Some of this might not make
too much sense to you.
''What's that about? You pull a thing and you
instantly become a rabbi? That's a bit odd.''
You've got a bit of a rabbi-style hat on.
Lend us your hat for a second.
Can l just borrow it? Ooh, fuck!
Thanks, mate. Thank God you were here.
Jesus Christ.
That hat just lost it there. You just chucked
and it was like you went, ''l'm gonna do this.''
(Laughter)
Pouf...straight off.
Helmet girl quickly putting her visor down!
Poooo!
Give us a second, hang on.
(Laughter and applause)
- Shalom!
- (Applause)
Shalom, my friends!
There we go. l'll give you that back. l might
do the rest of the show with the hat on!
Just to be...weird.
No, l'll just... You ready?
Oh, sorry, l don't know
what happened there!
(Laughs) l'll give you that back there.
Nice work.
So anyway... Sorry, l just noticed
you lot up there. l do apologise.
l was looking... l've got to apologise to you.
Just before l came on,
l dunno if anyone saw, l checked me flies
and then l was aware of a few faces
just looking at me like that.
l wanted to give it the big rock 'n' roll
and l was just there
and l was aware that l was just standing,
you lot looking...
- (Laughter)
- You know.
l was rubbing myself
a little bit like a sex criminal, just...
''Oh, is that how he gets ready
before a show?
''He just stands in the wings
just rubbing himself like that.''
l'd better stop doing that. You might have
noticed, l've got a few cameras in tonight.
- Just film me just doing that!
- (Laughter)
They... l can't help myself.
l see a camera, l just wey-hey!
They... Well, not that, obviously.
Be a nightmare outside Dixons' window,
wouldn't it?
''What the hell's he doing?''
(Laughs lasciviously)
ln fact, l was up in Edinburgh.
We were just up in Edinburgh last week
and l did such...
Oh, l couldn't help meself. There was...
You know sometimes
you see the local news cameramen
and they're sort of filming just stock footage
of things and we were up there, right?
You know on the news when they go,
''Obesity reaches ridiculous proportions''
and there's just pictures of fat people from
there to there, just walking along the street.
The other one is when they have somebody
stuffing their face with a biscuit.
l think, ''You poor bastard'' sitting at home
just turning the news on.
''Fat people...'' Gahhhhhh!
''Turn it off, turn it off.''
l was up in Edinburgh and there was...
and Edinburgh Castle was there
and these, like, local news guys
filming the castle there.
And l saw it and l was walking along
and l was a bit bored, right,
so what l did was...
The cameras were there, the castle's there.
l just went like that past the camera
just for a bit of a laugh, you know.
l just thought, ''Blend in, they might not see
and l might make it onto the local news.''
So l just give it a bit of that...
just past the camera.
A young lad was standing there with his bag
on his shoulder looking at me at a bus stop.
l kept doing that. Then l stopped and l went,
''Ooh, that was fun, l think l'll do that again.''
So l did another sweep,
but this time l went for it a bit more.
l did a bit of that.
(Laughter)
You know, l thought why not? Start off
a little bit, those fellas hadn't noticed.
So l turned round..
l got a right taste for it and l turned round
and l went for it big style, right?
Me third run, l went nuts for it, right?
l turned round like that and this lad,
he had his bag on his shoulder like that
and l went, ''Whoo-oooooooooooooh!''
Like a proper mental run, right?
Waaaaah! And like the thing...
This kid, he had his bag on his shoulder
looking at me like that
and l've come towards him - ''Gaaaaaaah!''
And he took his bag off his shoulder
and held it in front of him and l went,
''Oh, God, he thinks l'm a proper mental''
and l come running at him like this -
wheeeeeeee! -
and l stopped right in front of him.
You know what he did?
He held out his bag and went,
''Excuse me, Ross, can you sign this?''
- (Laughter)
- For fuck's sake!
He didn't even ask me why l was going,
''Whoooooo-ooooooh!''
He just went, ''Oh, there he is,
running around like a twat.''
lt'd be quite good if l'd just gone ''Woooh!''
and he'd gone fumph! And it went fumph!
And then he'd covered himself. Obviously,
not converted to the ways of the rabbi.
The ways of the rabbi!
Make a good action film, that.
The... Sorry, what was your name again,
my ''fumph'' hoodie-raise friend? What?
Steven. What do you do for a living, Steven,
when you're not pretending to be
a bogus rabbi,
conning pensioners out of their savings?
Shalom, shalom.
''Oh, there's a hundred pounds.''
- Work in a bar.
- You work in a bar. What bar?
- The Three Bulls.
- Three Bulls.
Oh, that's the one near the bridge, is it?
Yes, yes, that's...
Sure? Oh, look, she's off now. She's going,
''l got short-changed in there once.''
Are you all right? Oh, hello.
l've met you before, haven't l?
Are you a fan of The Three Bulls?
- (Woman) l was just asking where it was.
- You were asking where it was?
Probably some of the information
in the show isn't particularly relevant
to the rest of the evening.
That'd be good if at the end, l went,
''And there is a general knowledge quiz.''
The first... The first question is,
''Take me to The Three Bulls''.
You'd go,
''Do you mean the pub The Three Bulls
''or do you mean
take me to three actual bulls?''
lmagine that, if just as you'd got to your seat,
just as you went, ''All right, we're fine there.
''Have a lovely sit down.
l know we're a bit late, but it'll be fine.''
Right, take me to find three bulls!
''Oh, for fuck's sake!''
l can tell you where one horse is.
lt's up the top of the Monument there.
Look, can you see it?
You're still looking a bit panicked there, my
frizzy friend. What do you do, frizzy man?
What? College.
All right, what do you do at college?
What? Art and design.
Oh, brilliant. And what sort of stuff
have you been designing of late?
Hair ties mainly, is it that sort of...
New super-strength ones that you...
fumph and yaaaah!
Uhhh! Clamp you to the chair like that.
''There'll be no frizz from me!''
What?
What?
Still-life drawing. All right, fair enough.
lf it moves, is it too hard?
(Laughter)
Like one of those naked...
You know, one of those nude...?
That's life drawing, isn't it?
So still life is when it...
Unless you've got, like, somebody... like
a life model who had Parkinson's disease.
(Shocked laughter)
Oh, shut your faces! Look at you! How...
''Oh, no, that's wrong.
Oh, you can't make jokes like that.''
Yes, l can. ''Oh, that's not right.''
Sorry, l will do that. l'll just warn you, right?
l might go too far
during the course of the show, right?
That's just what l do now and again.
l go, ''Waa-haa-haaa!
''Oh, l said that out loud.''
My best one, right,
the best one was a belter, right?
lt was... l did a radio interview
just after Live 8 was on the telly, right?
The documentary about...
lt was an absolute...
You know when you say something
and people are just shaking their heads.
''You've gone too far, Ross.''
lt was brilliant, right?
Did you see the Live 8 doc? How many
people saw the Live 8 documentary?
- (Laughter)
- Whoa, feel the generosity in the room!
- Fuck 'em!
- (Roar of laughter)
(Laughter and applause)
Four people saw the Live 8 documentary!
That's great, that. Not a single text message
came in from Newcastle at all.
Just... Some little starving African kid
just sat there in the desert like that.
'''Scuse me, will you accept
a reverse charges call from the...?''
(Geordie accent) ''l've never even
used a telephone.''
''Have you not? You've got a little bit
of an odd accent for an African kid.''
''Oh, yes, well, originally
l'm from Cramlington.''
(Laughter and applause)
Oh, yeah.
They bussed a lot of starving kids out there
for some reason.
lt was some kind of administrative mix-up
on the part of Northumbrian County Council.
Do... l've gone too far again there!
''Oh, no,'' they're saying... Or are you all
just going, ''Oh, bloody Cramlington!''
No, so what happened was, right,
there was this documentary
and all the pop stars were there, right,
all the...
Geldof, obviously, and Midge Ure,
although he was at the back
and...er...and Bono, as well.
(Angrily) Bono!
When's somebody gonna say to Bono,
''BONO, TAKE THEM GLASSES OFF,
YOU LOOK LlKE A TWAT!''
- (Laughter)
- Do you know what l mean?
When is somebody gonna...
(Applause and cheering)
YOU'RE FROM lRELAND! YOU
SHOULDN'T EVEN OWN SUNGLASSES!
lt's ridiculous,
the only reason he goes to Africa...
That's the only place he can go without
looking like an utter knob essentially.
The... Who wakes up in the morning
and goes,
''You know what, l'd like to look like a fly.
That'd be good.''
We-e-e-e-e-y! Rrrrrrrrrrrzzzz!
Zzz! They're all going,
''Where's Bono gone?
''Oh, he's over there
on a lovely big bit of poo!''
Zzz! ''Ah, l loves me lucky poo, so l do!''
Sorry about that.
l just spat all over the entire front row.
When you booked the tickets,
you went, ''Brilliant! Front row!
''We get to talk to him, we get to be involved.
l get to shine!'' You know.
Then l managed, in one sweeping motion,
to just spray all of you with spittle.
That was quite miraculous, that.
Sorry, everyone's laughing about it,
but you look incredibly pissed off.
Cos you're the only one, apart from her,
that's got short sleeves on.
You felt it, you were going, ''ls it raining
in here? Did you feel a spot of rain?''
No, that's how l like to relax the front row,
you know.
l like to just gently spit on you.
Think of it as cleansing balm.
Sorry, that's...
You really do look pissed off now.
You're not a bouncer down
The Three Bulls?
''l'll smash your face in, bastard!''
''No, l'm a starving African child
on a night out.''
The... Sorry about that.
What do you do, mate? What do you do?
A landscape manufacturer? Jesus Christ!
A landscape manufacturer?
lsn't the landscape already just there?
- (Laughter and applause)
- lsn't that like...
lsn't it...
That's like somebody going,
''l put up the distance.
''Oh, yeah, all of that, l put that in there.
''Ooh. Bloody lovely that is, yeah.''
You manufacture the landscape?
That'd be good if you went,
''Are you familiar with the Cheviot Hills?
''That was one of mine.''
- Yeah! What sort of manuf... Landscape...?
- (Man) l put plants in.
- You just put plants in!
- (Laughter)
So that's more of a landscape gardener
than actually manufacturing it
or do you create the plants
in laboratory conditions?
Or...you don't work for Peter Barratt, do you?
Sorry, l just said that cos,
if it was anywhere else in the country,
l wouldn't know
the name of a single garden centre,
but strangely tonight... Peter Barratt? ''No.''
Never mind. Oh, right.
So what sort of landscaping do you do?
- Working up in Ashington!
- (Laughter and cheering)
Whoa! Look, hoor-a-a-a-a-a-ay!
ls there a landscape in Ashington,
strictly speaking?
- There's not really, is there? There's...
- (Laughter and applause)
(Posh) ''Yes, we're thinking
of putting in a babbling brook...
''..through Ashington city centre.
''lt is going to be
something of a nature area.''
Are you from Ashington yourself?
No, you're not. Are you? No?
- Where are you from? Longbenton?
- (One person cheers)
- He-e-ey.
- (Laughter)
You know, that's possibly one of the most
piss-weak things l've ever heard in me life.
He-e-e-y.
lf this was America and somebody went,
''l'm from Wisconsin!'',
everyone would go, ''Whoooooo!''
- Longbenton? Whoo.
- (Laughter)
That... That was less of a ''wey-hey!'',
more of a ''whoo''.
''He's from Longbenton.
''Very nice.
''Booyaka, booyaka!''
(Laughs) You knacker, you knacker!
The...er... l love all that. l love all that
American business. That ''whoo-hoo!''
l'm a big fan of Fiddy Cent!
You know that fella - Fiddy Cent! Fiddy!
That is how it's pronounced. Somebody's
going, ''l think you'll find it's 50 Cent.''
lt's not, it's Fiddy!
(American accent) Fiddy Cent! Fiddy!
Don't do that...
Obviously, if you meet him, don't go ''Fiddy!''
Fiddy Cent!
ls your name Fiddy Cent?
ls that your name, is it?
Are you Fiddy Cent! Look at his face.
Look at his face, he's Fiddy Cent!
Look at his little Fiddy face!
Look at his little Fiddy Cent face!
(Gibberish)
(As Fiddy) l'll kick your ass, mo-fo!
l'll kick your ass!
That's not one of his manoeuvres either!
l've added that meself.
The, er...
You'll very rarely see a rapper do that.
The, er...
Not many people realise Fiddy Cent
is half-man, half-Cossack, yeah.
l'll kick your ass, mo-fo!
(Applause)
(Applause and cheering)
No, but Fiddy!
Sorry, l nearly fell on you there.
That adds insult to injury, doesn't it?
l spit on you and then land on you.
You'll go, ''We were just pleasantly moist
and then he smashed into our faces.''
No, Fiddy, right, he does this thing,
Fiddy Cent, it's brilliant, right?
At the start of a gig, right, he does...
Well, he doesn't do that.
l've done that meself, the little jaunty run.
He should do. He should just do a little...
Just as a warm-up exercise.
l'm gonna kick some asses tonight, mo-fo!
l'm gonna kick some ass!
(Applause and cheering)
Whoooo! l've gone a bit dizzy now.
(Laughs) We-e-ey!
Sorry, sorry!
l did it again. Sorry.
Fiddy Cent does this thing at the start
of the gig where he'll come out like this.
Like, if l was a rapper,
l'd be doing stupid walks all the time.
lf l was a rapper, l'd do this, l'd go...
When they go, ''Give it up for Bad-ass Noble
in the house!'', l'd come out like this.
(Laughter)
You're probably thinking,
''You'd look like a knob.'' Yes.
But the good thing about that is quite a lot
of white middle-class kids copy rappers.
Be hilarious.
Places like Cheltenham and that.
Yeah, man, yeah, yeah, check it out, man.
Check that, check that, check that.
For a laugh.
No, but Fiddy does this, right?
He does this thing here.
That was me again just doing that.
He has a tiny little Stepmaster there.
(Laughter)
Getting his thighs ready.
Mebbes he works for you.
He's your apprentice peat layer.
''Right, Fiddy, l know you're a bad-ass,
''but basically Ashington's
never gonna win Tidy Town
''unless we lay a lovely bit of peat.''
''l don't even know where Ashington is,
mo-fo!''
(Geordie) ''l just roll out the turf...
''Right, now,
l've laid a nice loamy peat, right?''
Oh, loamy, it's loamy.
''Good work, Fiddy.
''Go and have a chip butty.''
l don't really know much about gardening,
but l'm guessing it involves snacking.
Am l right?
Pretty much!
Do you sometimes go there the night before
and just bury sandwiches?
''l'll just see what... Oh, what's this?
''Tuna sweetcorn.
''Mmm!''
- ''No.''
- (Roar of laughter)
''That's never happened ever.''
He does this at the start of the show, right?
He'll come out...
''Yo, yo, yo, yo in the house!
Everybody in the house, make some noise!''
And the Americans
lose their bleedin' minds, right?
You've never seen anything like it!
He goes, ''Make some noise!''
The Americans are, ''Whoooo! Yeah!
Uhh uhh uhh uhh! Whooo!
''Whooo whooo whooo!
Uhh uhh uhh! Yeah!''
lmagine if you tried that in this country.
Very different kettle of fish, that.
He'd come out, he'd go,
''Yo, yo, yo, yo, make some noise!''
No.
Bloody do somethin' first, go on.
Play the spoons, knock out a tune,
a little ukulele tune, summat like that.
''Aw, come on, you bastards,
make some noise.''
Piss off, piss off, Fiddy.
You can't even play a glockenspiel.
What's the matter with you?
What l wanna do is turn up to a Fiddy Cent
gig, or any rap gig for that matter, right?
l wanna turn up with one of those
old-style Second World War air-raid sirens.
l reckon that'd be a laugh.
Just get one like that. On wheels, obviously.
Just push it out there like that.
Just get it in position, wait for Fiddy to start.
Obviously he wouldn't come straight on.
He's gotta knock the peat off his boots.
''Hurry up, Fiddy, you're on in a second.''
''l'm goin' fast as l can, mo-fo.
''l got peat.
This is quite loamy, it's quite loamy.
What? ''Don't know.''
And then he runs on like that.
''Yo, yo, yo, make some noise!''
l'll be there like that.
(Makes air-raid siren noise)
He'd shit his pants!
''There's a goddamn air-raid siren going off!
''What's happenin'? There's an air raid!
Run for your life, run for your life!''
That's how he runs, Fiddy Cent.
He's half-man, half-crab!
Makes drive-by shootings
a bloody nightmare for Fiddy!
They're in the car with a gun on him,
he's keeping up...
Hope there's a roundabout coming up soon.
So traffic lights and the like.
Or, better still,
instead of one of those air-raid sirens,
smuggle in a live owl.
Yeah, he wouldn't know what that is
cos he's urban, you see!
Quite hard smuggling an owl into a rap gig.
You have to take full advantage
of the big pants they wear, you know.
Just open the front up and shove it...
That looks a bit wrong, actually.
You wanna make sure you do it
in quite a secluded area.
Last thing you want is to see someone
who's pushing an owl down the front...
lt'd look like some kind of
porno Harry Potter, wouldn't it?
Dumbledore's there,
''What the hell are you doing, Harry?''
(Laughs uncomfortably)
Oh, piss off.
lt gets lonely at Hogwarts.
- ''l wondered why you called him Hedwig.''
- (Laughter)
Somebody there went, ''Ohhhh!''
Everyone else laughing and clapping
and you go, ''Ohhh!''
Are you from some sort of
owl conservation centre?
''Ohh, how many owls every year are forced
to hide down the front of a wizard's pants?''
That's the highest cause of owl death...
is being forced down a wizard's keks.
Who was that that went ''Ohhh''?
Or is there a wizard in?
ls there a genuinely...
Just a big pointy hat on like that
going, ''This is great!
''l'll roll me sleeves up, they're catching.
When l clap, they flap in the breeze.
''Ooh, stop moving around, owl, will you,
for God's sake?''
Don't shove it down the back of the pants.
That's no better.
That'll scratch your arse parts.
And if you get frisked, as well.
lf somebody's frisking you
and they touch your arse,
the owl might go, ''Hoooo!'' like that.
You have to pretend
you're unnecessarily camp.
Hooooooo!
Get her!
Hoooooo! ''ls that an owl in your pants?''
No, no.
A good way of doing it is to just get an owl,
put it in a cage
and then just stick it on a chain
around your neck.
Pass it off as the bling bling.
Obviously hope that nobody else turns up
with a smaller owl in a cage
around the neck of the bigger owl
cos they'll out-bling you, you see?
So you'd have to get a smaller owl, put it
around the neck of a medium-sized owl
around the neck of the big owl
and out-bling them, see?
Obviously you can't go any smaller than that
cos owls only go down that big, you know.
After that,
it's essentially a shrew with make-up.
''What you doin'?'' ''Shurrup!
''Shurrup, you've gotta pretend to be an owl.''
''Why don't you just use a mouse in a hat?''
''Ooh, l never thought of that.''
''Come here, mouse. Give us that hat.''
Lovely. ''lt's not really working for me, this,
darling, it's really not.
''l don't feel that
l'm in the character of the owl.''
Look, just flap like an owl
so we can get into a rap gig, can you?
''Bloody hell, love,
l went to mouse RADA for this.
''l just don't like it, it's uncomfortable.''
l'd put that hat back on
cos there's three hungry owls above you.
''Shit!
''Cheep cheep!''
The... No, so you get your owl there
and then just get a stick
and then just wait for Fiddy to just go,
''Make some noise!''
and then poke the owl as hard as you...
Not too hard, though.
You wanna poke an owl hard enough
so as he makes noise
but not too hard
so that he hurts his little owl ribs, you know.
lt's a delicate balance. When it comes
to owl-poking, you have to just get...
- Don't make up your own jokes!
- (Laughter)
l saw the, ''Heh-heh, wey-hey-hey!
''Hey, there's owl-poking! Wey-heeeey!''
You don't have to poke the owl, you can
always just put a blanket over the owl,
then whip it off and he'll go, ''What? Eh?
What? Too-wooo!'' and then...replace.
Over the cage, not over the owl itself.
Never put a blanket over an owl.
lt's way too hard, you know.
You have to open the cage
and then get the blanket inside
and the owl might do that, you know.
And then you're bloody knackered,
aren't you? You have to just...
You see, you've learned something here
tonight! Never put a blanket over an owl.
Unless, of course, you're baby-sitting
an owl and it wants tucking in, you know,
in which case it's fine, you know.
lf he's there going,
''Can you tuck me in, please?''
''But l'm never supposed to put a blanket
over an owl.
''l went to see Ross's owl lecture at the City
Hall and he said never put a blanket over...''
''But l'm ever so chilly.''
Detail. Look at that.
Eh? That's proper claws, that.
You have to ignore this bit here.
That's a spare one
in case that one gets trimmed.
Oh, no, he's doing the West Side thing.
Are you in that gangsta rap, owl?
''No.''
That was nice. A little bit of sweat
just cascaded down me top.
That was me. l came out of the character
of the owl for a second.
That wasn't the owl going,
''Oh, l'm ever so sweaty.''
(Laughter)
For some reason,
this owl's getting camper all the time.
''Oh, l'm ever so sweaty.
Oh, there's room in here for you.''
''No. l'm here to tuck you in.
That's all l'm doing.''
''Can you tuck me in, please?
l'm very, very chilly.''
''All right, just this once,
but it's breaking all the rules.''
How would you know when you'd tucked
an owl in? They haven't got necks, owls!
An owl is essentially just a one-piece unit,
isn't it?
lt's just a head and a body -
pumph, like that.
You'd be there going, ''ls that it?''
''lt's not high enough.''
''Well, is that...'' ''lt's still not high enough!''
''Well, what about that?''
''lt doesn't even cover me owl boobs.''
''For God's sake. Well, what about that?''
''What you doing?!
''You tryin' to kill me, you mad bastard?!
You nearly suffocated me!''
''Well, l don't know where your neck is,
do l?''
''Well, you could've asked or at least
used an owl neck detection device!''
That's essentially just a stick
with a pointy thing on it
and you put it next to the owl and it points
to the neck and you pull the blanket there
and then you remove that,
tip the owl back and....
''Thanks very much.''
Well, he won't do that
cos he hasn't got thumbs, has he?
You'd have to take along your own rubber
thumbs and push them onto the owl's...
''Thanks very much.''
Even with it like that, you wouldn't see
the thumbs cos the blanket's up to here.
All you'd see would be that there.
Yeah, that's right, it'd look a bit wrong.
lt'd just look a little bit rude there.
''ls that it? Are you tucked in?''
''Thanks very much.''
''What you doin', you dirty owl bastard?!''
''Nothing. l was giving you the thumbs up
and couldn't see the things...''
''Well, reach around the blanket,
reach around.''
''lt's quite hard in these little pyjamas.''
That's how you freak out an owl. Wanna see
an owl lose its mind, dress him in pyjamas.
He doesn't know what's going on
cos owls are nocturnal, aren't they? Yeah.
''l'm wearing pyjamas, but l've gotta go out!
''And l've got human thumbs!
Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhh!''
That's how you freak out Fiddy Cent. Don't
bother coming on with one of them sirens.
Just get an owl in pyjamas
with human thumbs
and just let him walk across
the front of the stage like that.
Just at the point that Fiddy comes out onto
the stage, ''Yo, yo, yo...'' Go, go, go, go on!
He'd be there like that. ''Yo, yo, yo,
make some... What the fuck is that?!
''There's an owl with human thumbs
''wearing pyjamas!
Ahhhhh! Ahhhh! Run for your life!''
(lmitates siren)
(Laughter and applause)
l saw that bloke have a cheeky sneak out,
waited till l was bouncing around like a twat
and then just went,
''Oh, l'm off for a quick piss.''
ls he coming back? Yeah? ls he?
Could he not hold it? There is an interval,
by the way. Not yet, but there is.
He's gonna feel like a fool.
Oh, he'll feel like a fool when he comes in
and he sits back down and he goes,
''Brilliant, what have l missed?''
and you all go, ''See yer.''
And off you go into the night.
You'll probably be thankful for the interval,
you lot,
when you can go off
and sponge yourself down.
Sorry, l know l spat on you before.
Was that... Was that... ls it all right?
Are you sure? Cos if l do spit on you, right,
l will provide you with sponges and flannels
later on.
Surely you're used to working
in the rain and that, aren't you?
What?
lt just gets rained off?
Be good if l spat on you and you went,
''Sorry, it's been spitted off. l'm sorry.
There's too much spittle.''
That's how you know when it's interval time.
When you've got so much spit on you,
you actually go, ''Oh, right, l'm sorry,
it's been rained off due to spit.
''Come on, we'll have a...'' There you go.
You're now worried about
if he's coming back, aren't you?
How do you know him?
He's a friend, is he? You're sure he's
not a relative that's just dumped you?
lmagine that. ''We're gonna see a lovely
show, right. You have a nice sit down.''
(Whispers) ''l'll be back in a minute.''
lmagine that. lf he just left you
wrapped in swaddling clothes.
You're probably a bit old for that.
How old are you? 15.
Yeah, probably slightly too old
for swaddling clothes, you know.
Does the hooded come in swaddling?
Didn't think so.
ls he coming back?
Cos it doesn't look like he is.
- Ooh, it's a little bit tense now, isn't it?
- (Laughter)
l probably could've just let that go.
A lot of people would.
A lot of people would see somebody nip off
for a cheeky piss and would just go...
(Laughter)
l dunno why that got the laugh that it did.
ls that that bloke hiding up the back there?
He's not standing on the balcony
pissing on these people, is he? Hey!
''Too right it was a cheeky piss!''
Or mebbes it was a mischievous poo.
Ohh!
Ohh, that's not nice!
Don't mention poo!
Actually, here's something
you can do when you poo, right?
- (Laughter)
- No! Shut yer faces!
- Wow, you've come back! Look at that!
- (Laughter and applause)
He was out the door there
having a little look around.
''l dunno if l should go back in. ls it worth it?
He'll announce an interval any second.''
Here's something you can do when you poo.
''Brilliant!
''l'm watching this bit!''
No, l don't mean to be vulgar or anything,
but, er...it's gonna happen.
Um...no, this is something l used to do.
l had a bit of a weird thing
happen to me recently.
- My...
- (Laughter)
Somebody down there, ''Wey-hey!''
They... No, right, it was my wife, right...
Sorry, that sounded wrong. The...
''What, you pooed on your wife?'' No, l didn't.
The, um... Oh, sorry. The, um...
Forget that, forget it,
blank that from your mind.
Now that's all you can get. ''Ohh, no!''
l know half of you are just going,
''What happened when you did
the radio interview with Live 8?''
- l know!
- (Laughter and applause)
Don't worry, it's all in there!
l'll get back to it eventually, right?
''Oh, come on, Ross,
there's too much to remember.
''Then you tease us with the possibility
of an interval
''and the possibility of a poo-related story.''
No, my missus, right,
is a massive fan of that shop...
Do you know the shop Lush
that sells all the toiletry-type things, right?
Loves it, right? And she got herself
these bath things, right?
lf you've not seen them,
they're like a sort of a ball thing
and you put them in the bath
and they fizz up
and all stuff comes out of them
that ladies like, right?
Just pssshh!
lt makes like a sort of a feminine broth
in many ways. Do you know what l mean?
lt's like you chuck it in - ssssssss! -
and it's just lady things, right?
Like, obviously not kittens.
That'd be... That'd be a bit wrong, that.
Cos if you chucked it in and then left it
and you just...
''Come on, love, we're gonna have
a lovely romantic bath. Come and...
''Oh, there's some dead kittens.
You'd better just...
''Just go back, go back.
''Look at this, it's sensual, it's sensual.
''Oh, shit! Heh-heh.
''Put that on the radiator,
see what happens.''
(Miaows)
No, so anyway, fellas,
if you don't know what l mean,
you get them and you chuck them
in the bath and they psssshh!
l call them lass grenades, right?
They're brilliant. You sort of fumph
and they psssshh!
She got this one -
Fairy Jasmine, it was called, right?
God, there's some random laughers
in tonight, isn't there?
Cheeky wee - wey-hey-hey!
Fairy Jasmine - wey-hey-hey!
Unless that's a bloke with an owl down
his pants going, ''That's my nickname.''
No, Fairy Jas... Sorry, l shout that at you!
FAlRY JASMlNE!
l could never be a Fairy Godmother, me.
(Shouts) l'm your Fairy Godmother
and this is all me fairy assistants! Jasmine!
Little fairies crying. ''He's scaring me!''
So she got this thing and she chucked it
in the bath and it all fizzed up.
The Fairy Jasmine one,
it's got all jasminey smells,
but it's also got glitter, right?
Just...
Essentially, just like a kilogram of glitter
in a big fizzy bastard, right?
Just chuck it in and it goes - pumph -
like that.
Just explodes in the bath!
Glitter everywhere, right?
And apparently, for some reason,
ladies love it, right?
Sitting there in a big pot of glitter!
Shlsss, shlsss! Splooshing around like that.
You know, it was bloody horrible, right?
lt's in the bath and it's meant to enhance
your life or whatever, l don't know, right?
She didn't tell me about it.
What she did was she had the bath, right?
She's got out the bath and she's run across
the landing like a Ziggy Stardust character,
leaving a glitter trail behind her as she...
phwoooo wooooo!
Like she was in The Time Tunnel,
something like that.
Just whoooo, glitter, glitter!
And she jumps into bed, gets into bed,
leaves it at that, right?
Goes to sleep. l'd been out, right?
l'd been out for the day, right, came in,
bit tired.
Came back in, didn't look at the bath,
brushed my teeth,
jumped into bed, fell asleep.
Next morning, alarm goes off.
l had to go up to London, right?
So got on me motorbike, went up to London.
Little did l realise that
once glitter has contaminated the area...
Forget about it, it's everywhere, right?
But l didn't look at meself in the mirror
that morning, l just...
The first l was aware
that glitter had entered my life...
was when l pulled up at some traffic lights
and somebody winked at me.
l thought nothing of it and then,
as the day went on,
a lot of people would go, ''Excuse me,
but why are you covered in glitter?''
l was furious, l was bloody furious, right?
So l got home and l thought, ''l'm gonna
bloody...l'm gonna have it out with her!''
She'd done it again! She'd had a bath
and she was already in bed.
l wasn't gonna leave it. l ran in and l turned
the light on and l threw the quilt back...
l can't even describe what was in the bed,
right?
My missus was lying there,
there was glitter across the whole bed!
She was covered in glitter,
there was glitter and just glitter and glitter!
lt looked like somebody had stabbed a pixie!
(Roar of laughter)
(Applause)
l couldn't believe it, it was ridiculous!
l turned the light on and the bed was -
# Waaaa-haaaa, aaaa-haaaaaaa! #
Just shards of light!
lt was like somebody had opened the Ark!
There was Nazis melting in the corner
like that.
lt was... l wasn't sure. You might've been
having an affair with my missus.
Where's the shiny bastard?
''lt's glitter! lt's glitter, Ross!''
l know, that lad from
The Three Bulls' Heads is in here!
Sorry, The Three Bulls.
Yes, sorry, l said The Three Bulls' Heads.
That's wrong, isn't it? That'd be... lt's what?
ls it The Three Bulls' Heads?
Ugh, that's slightly wrong, isn't it?
ls there just a picture...
All blood dripping... Anyway, the point is,
she was glitter-mad! Mad for the glitter!
But the thing was, glitter,
it doesn't go away in time.
No, it keeps turning up, right,
and this is the point l'm making.
lt gets everywhere, right?
A little bit like sand at the beach, right?
Now, l don't wanna go into too much...
- (Man laughs)
- Leave it!
Aye, he's going,
''Ohh, l know what's coming here!''
Or he's going, ''lf there isn't an interval now,
my bladder's gonna explode everywhere!''
Sorry, l know some of you are going,
''Please, Ross, let us have an interval!
''Piss is gonna come out of our eyes!''
- (Smattering of applause)
- l dunno why you're clapping.
These poor bastards down the front here,
getting spit on from the front
and then piss arcing over them from...
Did you enjoy Ross's show?
''lt was brilliant, but damp.''
No, so the point is, right, that glitter... l don't
mean to be vulgar, l don't mean to be wrong.
l had quite a lot of glitter in me arse.
l'm just saying!
And it's not often you can say
to 2,500 people, ''l had glitter in me arse.''
Don't even think about it!
(Laughter and applause)
- Cheeky, cheeky woman!
- (Applause)
You gave yourself a little bonus gag there,
didn't you?
lt just took her to realise... ''Hey, uhhhhh!''
So the point is... And l don't wanna
be vulgar or wrong about it, right?
But l was... l went to the loo...
l mean, to the toilet
and l was enjoying a cheeky poo, right?
(Laughter)
As is my right to do!
And l went and...
whatever, right?
Let's draw a veil over that.
Not literally, obviously!
That would annoy you
if you went to Egypt for your holidays
and now they just went,
''And now the dance of the seven veils.''
(Laughter)
Ahh!
l went, right, but the thing is
cos there was glitter...
and it was...
You don't want to look, do you? You don't
want to and you know you shouldn't
but you sort of can't help it, can you?
Do you know what l mean, it's just there.
And l'm not proud of it.
l thought, ''l'd better check
everything's...how it should be.''
l don't know what l was expecting to see.
Like Mount Rushmore or something.
''Look at the detail on the chin.''
No, l don't know, right?
Some of you are with me, some are going,
''l'm going to write to the council about this!
''This is a council venue, l can't believe it.
We're close to a swimming pool, as well.
''That'll contaminate the water
just by talking about it!''
l looked into the bowl, right?
l'm not joking, my poo was sparkling!
lt was bloody sparkling in the...!
l know that this might seem
a bit of a weird thing to think,
but l looked at that poo and,
for about ten minutes,
l convinced myself...
l convinced myself l had a magic arse!
That's just...
l felt like going to the doctor's, going,
''Look at that, you wouldn't believe it!
''Rub that hard enough, you'll get a genie.
Come on, have a look!''
Anyway, that aside, the point l was making
was that l used to do this thing.
Give this a try
cos it's coming up to that time of year.
What l used to do, right,
at various parties in Heaton, funnily enough,
on New Year's Eve, right,
over the Christmas, right,
sort of store it up a bit.
Just, you know, let it...you know.
- And then pick your party, right...
- (Audience murmurs and laughs)
Go to a New Year's do, right,
and then just get yourself...
get yourself settled, right,
and about two or three minutes
to midnight, right?
And then just get ready, just like that.
Get your watch, synchronise your watch.
Just wait till the stroke of midnight
and l know it's vulgar, but trust me,
it's a beautiful, beautiful thing in your life.
Just...just at the stroke of midnight...
just let it go, right?
l know you might think that
that's a weird thing to do and it is,
but there's nothing more refreshing in life
than doing a lovely big poo
and hearing hundreds of people all...
''Hoora-a-a-a-a-ay!''
# Should auld acquaintance be forgot #
(Applause)
Anyway, go and have an interval.
l'll see you back here in 15 minutes.
(Applause and cheering)
(# Cheers-type piano intro)
(Man) Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight's show is proudly brought to you
by Ted Danson's Pizza Shack,
the pizza place
where everybody knows your name.
Taste that Ted Danson goodness
in every bite,
with each pizza lovingly prepared
to Ted's special recipe.
Say cheers to home cooking.
lt'll have you dancing on the ceiling
at Ted Danson's Pizza Shack.
Ted Danson's Pizza Shack
has no affiliation to Ted Danson.
- (Applause)
- Welcome back, welcome back.
Welcome back to the show!
Thank you very much!
Welcome back
to the second half of the show!
(Cheering)
Yeah, that's it, take your time.
No hurry at all!
Oh, sorry, pregnant woman. Brilliant.
Fantastic. Look at that. Take your time.
''Actually, l am a lady in a pregnant state,
you evil bastard!''
l do apologise for that. Sorry.
How long before you're, er...
Sorry, that's probably not
how it's gonna happen, is it?
They'll go,
''Welcome to the antenatal classes.
''When the child's born,
it'll be simple enough, it'll just go whooooo!''
Straight out. How long have you got to...?
- Three weeks.
- What?
Three weeks to go? Great. And somebody's
phone went off just at that moment.
''Three weeks'' and it went bleep!
As if that was some kind of baby alarm.
Your doctor going bleep! ''Actually, no,
it's gonna happen in two minutes' time.''
Quickly! There we go.
Can l just ask when you are gonna...
when you, you know...
What's that you're eating there?
What?
What? Oh, ice cream.
Oh, right, sorry, l thought you were eating
sardines and pickled onions.
Just going, ''Oh, this is brilliant, this!''
People around you going, ''You might be
pregnant, but that's just weird.''
What the bloody hell is that?
Somebody decide to... That wasn't you,
was it, doing a bit of landscaping?
Do you know what would look good there?
A few Japanese pebbles down the back.
Just put that there.
l could only afford one pebble.
lt is a screwed-up bit of newspaper.
lt's not newspaper, anyway, it's...
''Lots of love, Pencil Girl.''
- (Laughter)
- Hang on.
''Tyne Tees Television,
one mile past Green Nail Bridge, left...''
ls this directions to get here?
''Don't...talk...
''about...this...''
(Laughter)
Oh, sorry, ''Don't talk about this bit.
''Lots of love, Pencil Girl.''
- Hello, Pencil Girl.
- Hello!
Hi!
Welcome back. What, you didn't
do enough pooing in the inter...
For Christ's sake!
What's the matter with you, for God's sake?
How much liquid do you emit?
She's pregnant and she's managed
to get through without any waters breaking!
Well done there. Got some ice cream?
(Silence)
Has there been a death in the village?
What's happened there?
l only went off for 20 minutes,
you're all just going,
''Ross, it was terrible. That fella there
wouldn't let any of us go to the toilet.
''He ran out ahead of the pack
and he got to the door and he went,
''Not for you, sonny Jim!''
There we go. You back now?
Did they make you wait until the very end?
Yeah. Are you gonna nip off before the end
of the show for another quick cheeky one?
Probably, yeah.
Store it up for New Year, that's what l do.
What was l on about? Oh, that's right, l was
gonna ask you about the pregnancy thing.
Some of you are going, ''No! Live 8!
''What happened when you did the radio
interview and you said the thing...''
Yes, it's all up there. Just relax.
Are you gonna be one of those women...
Are you breastfeeding?
Are you gonna do a bit of that?
How very nonchalant of you.
(Laughter)
l mean when you have the child.
l don't mean now.
ls that...
Are you doing a bit of breastfeeding?
''Help yourself, son, help yourself.''
''l'll put a bit of ice cream on for you.
That'll be good.
''Oh, it's ever so nippy, that. Oooooh!''
You know, no wonder your fella
walked back so nonchalant like that.
''Oh, to be honest with you, Ross, l was
enjoying ice cream out the back there.''
She's there going,
''Oh, blimey, l could do with a scarf.''
The... Are you gonna breastfeed?
- Dunno. Might do.
- You might do, yeah.
Don't be one of those women that just
goes... Ask, do you know what l mean?
l know there's a lot of women gonna go,
''Grrrrrrrrrr!''
lt's those women that assume that they can
whip the knocker out and l'm not gonna look.
Do you know what l mean? lt's that thing of
you'll just be chatting away and they'll just...
And you go, ''Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhh!''
lt's not a sexist thing,
it's just you can't help it.
lt's just having a tiny face
licking and sucking...
Do you know what l mean?
How would they like it if l got a dwarf, right...
Just for example, right?
lf l just whipped out a dwarf and said,
''John, just lick chocolate off a grapefruit.''
Know what l mean?
''Hey, stop looking, stop looking!''
''You don't mind if l breastfeed, do you?
You don't mind if l...?''
l just say, ''Yes, l don't mind at all.
Just on you go.
''You don't mind if l squeeze juice
out of these oranges with me arse, do you?
''There you go. Right, who's for juice?
Who's for juice? Juice, anybody?
''Ooh, the power of me arse cheeks!
There you go.''
''How does he do it?'' ''l've heard it's magic.''
The new Arse-O-Magic juicer.
There you go. Nice.
Have you just changed into that ridiculously
tie-dye outfit? Where did you get that from?
Brilliant.
First half, you were just dressed in black.
l've come out here, it's almost like
you've come out of a chrysalis.
- (Laughter)
- That's magnificent.
He hasn't been putting Baby Bio on you
and you've just flowered?
ls that what it is?
He's just...and you go, # Ahhhhhhhhh #
He's pissed off cos you're now
more colourful than his shiny top.
''But it's shiny.'' ''But mine is colourful.''
That's quite magnificent.
Where did you get the top from?
You stole it?!
Off your friend. l was gonna say. Cos
a tip, if you are ever gonna steal clothing,
probably best to get something
a little bit more subdued than that.
ls there just some knackered hippy
lying in the street like that?
''Where's me skin gone?
''Somebody's stolen me skin!''
- Who... Where did you... Which friend?
- (Man) Me!
Hey!
ls that just somebody there nude?
Just a bloke with dreadlocks
completely naked.
''Please give us me coat back.''
Did she just go, ''l'm a little bit nippy.
l want it back''?
She what? Oh, you've changed.
Look at you with a selection of costumes
for the night out.
That's great cos l've kept the same stuff on.
lt gets to something when the whole room
goes, ''Right, if he's not changing, we will.''
lt'd be great if l'd come back and
you were all dressed as Vegas show girls.
Big feathers coming out of your hair
like that. You lot down the front, all...
Fantastic. Mebbes you could've
pulled the hood up there, you know.
Some kind of thing over the top.
l don't know, it's up to you.
Do you like this?
You know what somebody shouted at me.
l was doing a gig a few weeks back
and l hadn't even spoken
and l walked out onto the stage
and somebody went, ''How, Ross!''
l went, ''What?'' And they went,
''Have you come as the A-Team van?''
(Laughter and applause)
(As Mr T) l pity the fool, l pity the fool
who slags off my fancy slacks!
Before anyone shouts out here, l have
no idea what the orange thing is, right?
Some of you are going,
''What's that orange thing?'' l don't know.
All l can come up with is, this is what
it looks like when an easyJet crashes.
(Laughter and applause)
The, er...
They said to me when l got this,
they just went,
''Oh, you can have the big orange thing,
but just don't bounce on it.''
Big inflatable orange thing
and l'm not allowed to bounce on it?
Do you know how frustrating that is for me?
Every night standing here
with this big inflatable and l'm not allowed...
That's like a child with no fingers
inheriting a bubble-wrap factory.
Do you know what l mean?
(Mock crying)
Sorry, are you all right?
You seem to be loosening off your scarf.
ls it a scarf or is it a spittle shield?
Fantastic. Sorry, l've made a mental note.
l'm gonna try and stop spitting on you.
So just relax, chill.
Chill, but don't kick back, right?
l hate that expression.
People just go, ''Oh, yeah, l'm just gonna
hang out tonight, just kick back.''
- ls that...
- (Laughter)
ls that really relaxing, is that...
''Oh, yeah, l've had a great night tonight.
''Oh, l'm ever so relaxed now! Oh, hello...''
(Laughter)
(Applause and cheering)
You're easily pleased, mind, aren't you?
Look at that. A small piece of electronics
fell out me arse and you're...
What did you say?
Did it come from my magic arse?
Quite frankly, if l had a magic arse,
l think something slightly more wondrous
than a small battery pack would fall out.
''Come, come, for Ross has a magic arse!
''People have travelled from all around,
things appear from his anal cavity!
''What is it?
What miraculous things appear?
''Tiny woodland creatures
leaping from the arse!''
''Well, not really, no.''
''What is it? ls there an amazing light,
a Technicolor light that flies out
''and creates images and shapes
and visions of the future?''
''Nah, more just battery packs really.''
''That's handy. l've just bought a minidisc
player and l've lost the battery pack.''
''lt doesn't do them to order!''
That would be good, wouldn't it?
What a helluva sideshow that would be.
Or just...just a pretty good job at Dixons,
you know.
Just sitting there on the counter.
Somebody could come along.
''Excuse me, l bought this remote control
and l don't know what batteries it needs.''
''Don't you worry about that.''
''Wow, they're exactly the batteries l needed!
''Thanks, Ross, and your magic arse!''
''Don't worry, l can take the day off now.''
The...
ls that why donkeys always look so relaxed?
They just...
''Ohh, that's better!''
lf l had the money, l'd have my legs removed
and just donkey legs put on instead.
''Oh, there goes Ross.
He looks ever so relaxed now, doesn't he?''
Oh, yeah!
Did you see that about the face transplants?
Did you see that on the news?
No, not a single one of you.
You lot are fantastic. See Live 8? No.
See the face...? No, no face transplant.
Have TVs become illegal in the area?
''Well, Ross, we can't get the battery packs
for the portable ones.
''l mean, we can, but quite frankly,
we don't want to touch them
''until they've been
thoroughly disinfectanted.''
No, they've done the face transplant
in France, apparently.
They did a full-on... Some of you
are looking at me like, ''Bullshit.''
Honestly, they did a genuine face transplant.
l'm quite happy, me.
l've put my name down as a donor,
a face donor like that.
On the card, corneas, no. Liver, no.
Face, yes.
Do you really want a donated face?
Most people that donate their organs
have been in car crashes.
Do you really wanna take
the bandage off a relative?
''There we go, let's see what it's like.''
And you take it off and he's just like that.
(Roar of laughter)
''What does it look like?
''Does it suit me?''
l'm not quite sure why his arms
are out like that in a steering wheel shape.
l like the fact that
they wanna bring in identity cards
and just as they're thinking about doing it,
somebody invents face transplants!
- That's worth it!
- (Applause)
l bet they were well happy about that
down at Downing Street.
''Oh, brilliant, that'll do nicely...
Aww, bollocks!''
Yeah. ldentity cards? Good idea, bad idea?
''Look, we've established
''you will get no opinion
from us whatsoever.''
This would be great if it was like Gladiator.
''Shall he live or shall he die?''
''Not arsed, really.
''Push him towards the tiger,
see what happens.
''Go on, over there. The tiger, that one.''
That's you again, isn't it?
Offering up your creamy breasts.
''Shall the gladiator live?''
(Laughter)
''Shall the gladiator...?'' l don't know, we're
looking at that woman's ice creamy breasts!
l dunno how she does it. lt's amazing.
l dunno how she got the flake to stay in,
that's...
That's truly amazing!
''Put 'em together, place it here.''
lt's weird, you're all offended at the idea of
a woman with a flake between her breasts.
''Oh, that's horrible!'' Yet me doing
a magic poo didn't seem to...
Nobody's bothered about that at all.
''Oh, we do magic poos on a regular basis!
''ln fact, in this very room two days ago
''was the Annual Northeast Who Can Do
The Mostly Sparkly Poo Competition.
''Yeah, we had trestle tables
all the way along the outside.
''lt was like a leek show but stinkier,
you know.''
Blokes walking around with clipboards
going, ''That's a nice one, yes.
''Get the torch,
l wanna test just how sparkly it is.
''Oh, that's bloody lovely, that.
Ooh, that's a whopper there!
''l tell you what, you could put that on a string
and hang it in a disco. Look at it.''
People dancing...
(Laughter)
You know in Saturday Night Fever when
John Travolta walks onto the dance floor
and everyone made that big circle
and he was on his own going like that?
What they were actually doing was,
''Back away, back away.
''There's a big spinning glittery poo up there.
''That looks like it could fall at any minute.
Just hang back. That doesn't look good.''
Travolta's there going, ''Hey, bloody hell,
look at that, look at that, up there, eh?
''Can you see that, can you see that?
Bloody sparkly poo!''
Everyone's clapping going, ''Come on,
John, how long can you stay there?''
(Laughter)
He's going, ''l'm a fool to meself. This is
a white suit, this is a bloody white suit.''
No, the identity card thing.
l was in...er... Where was l?
Um...Brighton! Sorry, l dunno what that was!
That's a new thing. lf l'm trying
to remember something, l just do that.
l have to be very careful
in the giraffe house at zoos.
''Now, where...
''Now, where is the giraffe originally from?
Er...''
''Sorry, lads, sorry about that.
l didn't mean to tickle your plums.''
The...
l was in Brighton, right, south coast.
Obviously.
You probably didn't need
that extra bit of geographic...
''Thanks, Ross, Brighton on the south coast.
''Lovely.
We thought it was the Scottish Brighton.''
Have we got any southern people in tonight?
- (Several people) Yeah.
- (Man) Boo!
(Laughter)
One person! ''Yeah.''
Somebody there went, ''Boo!''
That's great.
Just cos they're from the south! ''Boo!''
That's great. Do you just get the train down
to London, get off at Kings Cross and...
''Boo!''
(Laughter and applause)
''What, the Lord Mayor's Parade's on
this weekend?
''ls that GNER? Yes, book me a ticket.
''There's gonna be some extra booing
going on.''
What... Who booed, who booed?
Look at that! This lass is going ''Him!''
Most people would be going, ''Oh, shit, l was
the only one.'' He's going, ''Me, l booed!''
What's your name, booing man?
What? David. And what have you
got against people from the south?
Or do you just like booing?
''That's a good one l could employ in my...''
Are you the Northeast's champion booer?
Boo!
The... Go on, what...
Have you had a problem in the past?
What? What?
- Many.
- Many! Many!
''There have been many people,
''many problems
with the people of the south!''
Sounds like you're from Middle Earth
or something.
''We have had many problems
with the people from the south!''
Aw, those big walking trees turning up!
Look at him.
''Sorry, l'm not doing walking trees.
''lt's a bloody nightmare.
''We had to pull a load out.
We had a moving hedge in Ashington.
''lt was a nightmare.''
Turns out it was a couple of charmers
just pushing it like that.
But you don't know, do yer?!
(Applause)
''Move that hedge, move that hedge,
that'll annoy him! Uhhhhhhh!''
Many? What were some of your problems?
Go on.
What do you do for a living?
That's probably the... What do you do?
That's great. His lass just went, ''Oh, no!''
As if it's like, ''We were having a lovely night,
nobody needed to find out.''
Be good if you went,
''l'm the Mayor of London.''
Go on, what do you do?
- An electrician.
- An electrician. Right.
And is that how you've got involved
with the people of the south?
- (Laughter)
- The people of the south!
Are you on a satellite delay? What is...
- (Laughter and applause)
- What is going on here?
Do you mean me?
l think they knew it was me.
l just don't like them.
Go on, give us an example
of why you hate the south.
- (Woman) Sheep!
- Sheep?
You've confused too many regional
stereotypes there, haven't you?
That's Wales, sheep.
They're the west, they're not the south.
- (Man) South from here.
- Well, obviously south from here.
- Bloody hell!
- (Laughter)
ls that what it's gonna turn into, is it?
That'd be great if he just went,
''l once got clamped in Gateshead.
''Bastards!''
(Applause)
- ''Southern bastards!''
- (Roar of laughter)
After the gig, we all go out
and you're just standing on the swing bridge
with a bloody burning torch and...
''What be that strange land over the bridge?
''Hark, hark, look over there
into the distance!
''There be a big giant silver slug
heading this way!''
(Snarling)
''And from the inside the belly
of the giant silver slug
''comes classical and contemporary music.''
(Chuckles) Oh, dear.
The people on the other side, you're going,
''Destroy the Gateshead southern freaks!''
Everyone in Gateshead's going,
''We're too busy looking at art.''
(Laughter)
(Applause)
(Posh) Would you like an After Eight mint?
l like the Baltic. My mate used to have
this idea and l wish they'd done this.
He had this brilliant idea for the Baltic.
He said what they should've done...
This was years ago.
He said they should've painted it white
and put a projector in the Egypt Cottage
and had a row-in cinema.
- So you can just...
- (Laughter)
..and then just bob and have a...you know.
Bloody idiots.
Bloody put an art gallery in and a restaurant.
- Southern twats!
- (Roar of laughter)
Anyway, you're not gonna like this
cos l was in Brighton, right?
Which is really quite south.
You can't get any further south than Brighton
unless you walk out onto the pier.
Be good if there was one bloke
at the end of Brighton pier going,
''You northern scum!''
(Laughter)
lf it was your pen pal.
l was in Brighton...
l haven't forgotten about Live 8, as well.
l know you're all just, ''Please just finish...
''Just tell us about that.''
The... lt's a good job l'm not a newsreader,
isn't it, really?
''Good evening, welcome to the news.
The main stories... But first, ooh, listen!
''This happened, right, and there was a thing
and wey-hey!''
(Gibberish)
Ohhh haaaa arrrrrr!
''What's he on about?''
''l don't know. l've got no idea.''
Do you remember, right,
news used to be news, didn't it?
You used to be able to turn the news on
and somebody would go,
''Loads of bad shit's happened in the world.
Here's some weather.'' That was it, right?
That's all you needed, wasn't it?
Bad shit, weather.
Thanks very much, out the door, right?
Not any more.
You turn Sky News on,
there's, like, too much news for them...
One day - ''loads of bad shit's
happening in the world!''
24 hours a day, nonstop.
''There's bad shit happening in the world!''
Really? l'll go. ''Don't go! There's more
bad shit happening in the world out there!
''Don't go out, there's bad shit happening!
Loads of bad shit happening!''
And you're going, ''Bloody hell, there's
a lot of bad shit happening in the world.''
And you just think you've taken it all in and
they run it along the bottom of the screen
in word form, rrrrrrrrrrr, rrrrrrrrr, rrrrrrrr!
''Bad shit happening in the world!
''There's loads of bad shit happening
in the world. Did we mention, bad...
''Rrrrrrr, rrrrrrr! Bad shit happening...
''OK, there's bad shit, bad shit, bad shit...
Rrrrrrr, rrrrrrrrrr, bad shit happening in...''
And then they start flashing it on the screen.
''Bad shit happening in the world!
''Loads of stuff happening in the...
Rrrrrr, rrrrr!''
And you're going, ''Right, there's...''
''Rrrrr! Bad shit happening! Rrrrrrr!
''Bam boom bam, rrrrrrr!''
And you go, ''Ahhh!''
And they go, ''Press the red button, press
the green button, press the red button!''
Oh, for fuck's... ''Boom boom bam! Rrrrr!''
lt's like bleedin' Space lnvaders,
the news now!
You expect the newsreader
to jump out of his seat and start going...
''Bloody hell, what's going...
What's happening in the world, Ross?''
- ''l don't know, but l'm onto level 4! Piss off!''
- (Roar of laughter)
lt's just insane, too much for you to handle!
Just coming towards your face and that.
Like l was trying to watch Sky News
a couple of weeks back.
l was only half-listening
and you can't do that.
You can't try and watch
and have all that hitting you.
l was on the phone.
l was ordering some food in a hotel.
l was in the hotel, l'm standing there going,
''Yes, l'd like to order some food, please.''
Yeah, it was quite a small...
Quite a short cable on the phone.
l was staying in a miniature hotel,
a little dwarf hotel.
l wasn't even on the phone,
l was just talking to a dwarf.
''l was just wondering, would it be possible
to order a little bit of food and then, er...?
''Do you wanna lick some chocolate
off this grapefruit?
''Go on. Go on, have a little lick.
Have a lovely little lick there.''
''Are you sure?'' ''Yeah, go on.''
No, l was on the phone and l was...
Yes... No, l'll stand up.
There's no reason for me to be hunched
on the show.
Mebbes there was a bloke in the room
below just pulling the thing into the floor.
''Yeah, l'd just... l'd like...
''No, l'd just like to... What the...?!
''Yes, hello there, l'd like to...
''Oh...fuck!
''Right, l'd like... You bastard!''
(Applause)
(Grunts)
Tied it round the table.
The... l think l might have put me knee
out of joint there.
- (Laughter)
- Thanks for your sympathy, that's right!
Oh, thanks a lot.
l think l might have put me knee out of joint.
Great, you go and see a big stunt show.
''Look, he's burst into flames!'' (Laughs)
That's funny.
So l was on the phone and l'm going,
''l'd like to order some food, please.
''Yes, yes, just a bit of ice cream.''
And Sky News was on in the corner.
''Bad shit happening in the world!
Rrrrr rrrrrr rrrrr!'' Right?
And it was around the time
when Turkey were trying to join the EU.
They were trying to get in. They were
having talks and it was all a bit excit...
Well, it wasn't exciting at all, to be honest,
But they were covering it because
there was nothing else happening.
l'm there like, ''Mm-hm, l'd...'' and l look up
and they flashed this up on the screen.
And if Turkey's trying to get into the EU,
put that on the screen.
Don't flash up on your fancy graphics
while l'm trying to order some food...
l looked at the screen and it just flashed up,
''Turkey talks!''
''l'm sorry, mate,
l'm gonna have to call you back.
''A miraculous thing has happened!
''You're not gonna believe it
but poultry is giving voice!''
Then l look at it
and not only did it say ''Turkey talks''...
One of the reasons
why they said that Turkey couldn't join
is cos it's a mainly Muslim country
and that was gonna be a hurdle.
So don't flash up on the screen when l'm...
''Turkey talks''
and then ''hurdles mainly Muslims''.
''l'm sorry, mate,
l really am gonna have to call you back now.
''Not only is it giving voice,
''but it's also attempting
some kind of bizarre athletics event.''
(Gobbles like a turkey)
''Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
''This evening l will be giving a talk
about the history of poultry
''and then l will be attempting
to leap some religious people.
''l will be starting off with a couple of Jews,
''moving on to a Buddhist and then,
due to availability,
''this evening l will be hurdling
mainly Muslims.''
(Gobbles)
(Squawk!)
(Squawk, squawk!)
''l thank you!''
(Laughter and applause)
''l nearly didn't clear them.
l've got a touch of flu.''
(Laughter)
The good thing about hurdling Muslims is
a lot of them are already in this position.
Making them the ideal hurdling device.
lt's brilliant.
Obviously, you have to do it quickly
cos they all go down at once.
You'd be there down the mosque just going,
''Right, you gotta get this right, lad.
''Right, here we go, watch me work.
How will we know when to go?
''How are we supposed to...''
''Oh, you'll know, you'll hear this noise.''
(Call to prayer)
''Get ready! Get ready! Ready!
''Ready! Captain Mainwaring!''
(As Mainwaring) Stupid boy!
Sorry, l've made meself laugh now!
There was absolutely no reason that
the cast of Dad's Army would be... l have...
l just thought,
''Go on, make it the cast of Dad's Army!''
Would you mind awfully
jumping these Muslims?
Aye, we're doomed!
Be quiet, Frazer!
(Laughter)
Sorry!
They've finished praying by this point!
''Bloody hell, it's a good job
they do it five times a day. We'll wait.''
Right. Right, here we go.
- Ready.
- (One person laughs)
- (Audience laughs)
- Who's that laughing in a mosque?
l don't know. lt's highly disrespectful.
Some would say so's dressing up
as the cast of Dad's Army,
running in and attempting
to leap a load of Muslims.
Let's not dwell on that now, shall we?
(Call to prayer) ''Go, go!''
- Run, run!
- (Applause)
''Quickly! Quickly, let's get out of here!''
''Oh, hang on, shit!''
- ''Forgot me shoes.''
- (Laughter)
Ah, it's all right to laugh about religion.
No, honestly.
You see, l feel sorry for the Muslims
and l think we should get...
lf there's any Muslims in here tonight,
l'm behind you, l'm with you.
l think we should bond together
as a community.
The people
l think we should get most behind
are the Muslim Ramblers' Association
cos they're not really getting much done,
are they?
They go, ''Right, we'll have a nice ramble.
You get the packed lunch, get the flask.
''Better leave the backpacks, lads.
Leave the backpacks.''
They can't do it!
You can't go out in London
if you look even vaguely Muslim.
You don't even have to be a Muslim,
you just have to look a bit Muslim
and the Metropolitan Police
will shoot you dead!
Ohh, they can't bloody help themselves!
They're mental!
There's people looking, ''ls there any police
around? l daren't go out.'' They're nuts!
To a Metropolitan police officer,
anyone that looks vaguely Muslim
is essentially just a duck doing that.
(Laughter)
''Sarge, if l shoot him in the head,
do l win a coconut?''
''No, you do not!
Pack it in, you trigger-happy freak!''
lt's ridiculous. There was a fella on the news
defending those blokes that shot that guy.
He was going, ''lt's a very highly-stressed
operation, very, very highly-stressed.
''ln a high-pressure situation,
''one never knows how a firearms officer
is going to react.
''One never knows how he's going to react.''
And you think, ''Well, you sort of do,
don't you?''
He's either gonna shoot somebody...
or not shoot somebody, isn't he?
They're the two options there.
There's very little leeway for mad shit
to happen. Do you know what l mean?
There's not much chance of, you know,
some firearms officer there just going,
''Ohh, what do l do, Sarge?
l'm not trained for this!''
''Calm down, remember your training!''
''Ohh, ohh, what am l gonna do?!
''Ooh, l've got parsnips coming out my arse!
''l'm shitting out parsnips, Sarge!
''That wasn't supposed to happen!''
Pumph, pumph!
''You see, lads, in this situation here,
''Jenkins is shitting out parsnips!''
ln a high-pressure situation, you never know
how somebody's going to react.
''Can we shoot him in the head, Sarge?''
''No, we cannot. We need those for soup.''
Anyway, where was l?
Oh, that's right, l was in Brighton.
l was in Brighton and they had this thing
about the identity cards down there, right,
and this fella, he was standing...
he had a little thing like that, a little table,
and he was going, ''Say no to identity cards!
''Say no to identity cards.''
And l thought, ''That's a good idea,
l'll have a chat.''
l said, ''What do l do, then?
Where do l...you know, get on board?''
You know what he said? And l'm not
making this up. He went, ''Oh...um...
''lf you wanna join us, write your name
and address on this piece of paper.''
You've sort of missed the point
of the whole thing.
You're trying to stop identity cards
by me giving you my name and address.
You've sort of missed it.
That's like saying, ''Support animal rights
by arm-wrestling this monkey.''
(Gibbers like a monkey)
The government go, ''lt'll stop terrorism.
ldentity cards will stop terrorism.''
Little picture of somebody with a name.
Oh, that's gonna stop terrorists, isn't it?
You've turned the whole of national security
into a big game of Guess Who?
- (Laughter)
- That's what they've done there.
''Does he have blond hair?''
''No.''
''Does he have a beard?''
''Yes.''
''ls his name Mohammed?''
''Yes.''
''Guess who!''
Board game national security.
What they should do is the amount of time
they're allowed to keep a suspect in custody
should directly relate to whether or not
they land on a snake or a ladder.
That's the way it should work.
Then you go all the way back to the start.
Hey!
l saw you going, ''Heh-heh!
This has all got a bit serious, hasn't it?
''l liked it when he was talking
about pooing and that.
''Has he really got a magic arse?
''Why doesn't he solve
the problems of national security
''with nothing more than the powers
of his arse?''
What the hell was that?
Somebody went, ''We-e-ey!''
Yeah, you can see them unveiling that
in the Commons, can't you?
''Well, here's our secret weapon.''
Me backing out like that.
Still, anyway, what was l telling you about?
Live 8!
(Cheering)
Oh, piss off! Look at that, ''Hooraaaaay!
''Oh, thank Christ for that! Finally!
''They said it could never be done!''
Are you all right down there,
my gardening man?
You were staring off down at the floor.
Are you all right? ls the heat getting to you?
Oh, you were looking at the time. Oh, sorry.
(Laughter)
Well, at least you're honest. Have you gotta
be somewhere? Have you a bus to catch?
- Oh, you've got to be up in the morning.
- (Laughter)
l mean, you know,
thanks for coming and everything, but...
l've got a few things to do meself,
do you know what l mean? But...
(Forced laughter)
(Laughter)
- Minutes...
- (Woman squawks with laughter)
Dunno why she's laughing
like a madwoman.
''Ha ha ha ha!
He won't be waking up tomorrow!''
(Laughter)
(Applause)
At least you're honest.
Are you still there, though?
You're not too...? That'd be quite good.
lf l looked down
and you were just staring at me like that...
- ''l'm having fun, but it's ever so late.''
- (Roar of laughter)
A pregnant woman over there,
look at the energy coming off her!
''Hooray! Whoo-hoooooo!
''Come on, l'll give birth, l'll go back to work,
l'll do a bit of community service!
''l couldn't give a shit!''
You're down there,
''l've had a hard day's digging.''
lt's a good job l knew you were a gardener.
l might have thought you were a bit touched.
There's something wrong with that bloke
down the front there.
He's been in Ashington for too long!
(Applause)
They're gonna ask you to make
a remake of Dawn Of The Dead
with no extras required.
(Laughter)
Here's a joke, right, which only you'll get.
l've tried telling this to people in the south!
- (Laughter)
- Oh, in the south!
And they didn't get it.
Australia.
This is the joke, right.
Two blokes from Ashington, right?
One's just done his driving test
and he goes,
''Hey, Jackie, ee, l failed me driving test.
''You failed your driving test?''
He said, ''Aye, l failed me driving test.''
''What did you fail your driving test for?''
He said, ''Ee, l hit the kerb.''
He says, ''You didn't fail your driving test
for hitting the kerb?''
He says,
''You do if he's on Bob-a-Job week.''
(Roar of laughter)
(Applause)
- What?
- (Man) What about Live 8?
Yeah, l'll get to Live 8. Bloody hell.
''What about Live 8?!
''Come on, for fuck's sake!''
Are you his apprentice all of a sudden?
We've had a great night, but just tell us
about Live 8, for Christ's sake!
- Thank you very much. What?
- No pressure.
No pressure? None felt, mate.
- ''No pressure. l'll smack you, yer twat!''
- (Laughter)
OK. That'd be great if that was
quite a violent heckle from a bloke up there.
''Tell us about Live 8
or l'll smash your face in!''
OK.
Don't make me unleash the dragon, mate.
l've no idea what that means.
l clearly don't have access to dragons.
Get a dog with a papier-mache head on.
lt's not really the same.
''Release the dragon!''
''Woof woof!
(Barking)
You're stood there with knuckle-dusters
going, ''l'm not really frightened of that.''
The... l find it physically impossible
to be aggressive.
l find it very, very hard
unless l'm on the phone
and then l'm great at it.
Oh, l was... l did... l lost me temper
with someone. l was...ahh!
Full-on on the phone recently, right?
ln Australia, actually.
You know how in this country, we still have
real people who answer the phones?
Albeit shaven monkeys that do their best,
do you know what l mean?
You know, that's why there's always a pause
when you ring directories. There's a brr brrr!
(Gibbering)
- 1 18-1 18.
- (Roar of laughter)
l was in Australia, right, and over there,
they don't have real people.
They have a computer that answers
the phone, which is weird.
Cos it's sort of, like... lt's meant to sort of
recognise your voice, then... But it doesn't.
lt doesn't work. You ring 'em up and it goes,
''G'day, you're through
to directory enquiries. How can l help ya?''
Cos for some reason
Steve lrwin does the voices.
Hello? ''Crikey! Danger, danger, danger!''
The... So l ring it up, right?
And l have a lot of that, right?
lf you do visit Australia,
you have to slow your voice down a little bit
cos people just... Not unlike you.
..just stare at you like that.
Know that look where somebody's looking
at you as if your face was a big lava lamp?
(Australian) ''What the fuck's he sayin'?''
''l don't fucking know.''
l ring this thing up. lt goes, ''G'day, directory
enquiries, what service do you require?''
And as clear as l could, l went...
(Posh) ''Cinema.
''l require the cinema.''
l was quite posh about it.
''The cinema. l very much require the...''
l was like the Queen's Christmas message
by the end of it.
(As the Queen) ''Hello. My husband and l
''would like to go out
and watch something at the pictures.''
And l went ''cinema!''
And it offers you
what it thinks you've asked for.
Nothing like l asked for!
Cinema! lt goes like this... ''Click!''
''Do you require a bucket of otters?''
Bucket of otters! l wanted the cinema!
lt doesn't understand me accent!
''Cinema! l'd like a cinema!''
''Would you like a bucket of weevils?''
''No! l want a cinema!''
''Do you require a monkey
with a kaleidoscope sellotaped to its eye?''
''Fucking monkey with a... No!
l want a cinema!''
''Do you require a box of monkeys
with weevils sellotaped to their eyes?''
''No!'' (Shouts incoherently)
''l don't want a box of monkeys
or a bucket of weevils
''or a kaleidoscope!
''l just want a goddamn cinema!''
(Screams)
''Ahhh.''
Which is fine, right, except l didn't realise
after three attempts, it gets transferred
to a real human being. Yeah.
Some poor woman working in a call centre
in Australia turns up like this.
''Hi, guys, sorry l'm late. l'll get this one.
''G'day, how can l help you?
''l just want a goddamn cinema!''
''Er...
''There's a scary man on the phone!
''He's saying something about a monkey
with weevils for eyes!''
''Calm down, everything's fine.'' ''l don't know
how to handle it! l can't handle it!''
''Remember your training, everything's fine.''
''l dunno what's going on!
''l've got parsnips coming out me arse!
l've got parsnips!''
''You see, in a high-pressure
call centre situation,
''you never know
how someone's going to react.''
Anyway, the point is
l was doing this radio interview
just after the Live 8 documentary.
(Cheering)
Ah, it's obviously a popular topic.
She was going,
''Please, l haven't got long left.''
(Laughter)
So what it was, like l say,
all the pop stars were there, right.
Geldof, Midge Ure,
Bono!
They were doing the big charity event.
Like l say, l was live on the radio.
This wasn't pre-recorded.
This was as l spoke,
it was in people's homes
and if you're gonna say something offensive,
that's the time to do it.
Ohh, not just one or two people
in conversation,
a whole plethora of people
from different social backgrounds
all offended together as a community.
lt was an absolute belter.
Wrong, but very, very funny, right?
What happened was Geldof was there
doing his usual.
''Right. 20 years ago,
there was people fucking dyin', right.
''20 fucking bastard fucking 20 bastard years
ago bastard fucking bastard 20 years ago,
''fucking people dyin'...''
Calm down, Geldof! What are you swearing
for? Have you got Tourette's, you mental?
''Shit bastard shit fucking bastard, you...!
''Jesus, you moaning little bastard!''
He was going, ''20 years ago,
there were people dying, right?
''People dying, 20 years ago,
they were dying.''
That was me unhooking that there.
He didn't do that as a...
''They were dying!''
He was dressed as a one-man band.
''There were people dying.'' Boom-boom,
chicka-boom, chicka-boom, chicka-boom.
That'd be good if he rang everyone up and
they went, ''Sorry, Bob, we're a bit busy.''
''Oh, doesn't matter,
l've got a one-man band outfit.''
# Feed the... # Boom-boom-boom!
Doesn't have the same impact, does it?
A little dog with a neckerchief on.
''20 years ago, that dog was dying.''
''That's right, you know.''
''Dogs and cats like him die every day, right?
''Unless we stop puttin' them in baths,
these kittens...
''will float to the surface.
''And you can help just by simply
wiping your arse on the back.'' That's all.
So Geldof's there, right, and he's going,
''Right, 20 years ago...''
and he started pointing
at this starving African child.
''This child was dying, right, this starving...''
lt was on a monitor, TV monitor.
Wasn't just a child up in the...
Just on a shelf.
''Look at that child up there!
How did you get up there, for fuck's sake?''
(As child) l don't know.
''You're not African.'' ''l'm from Cramlington.''
(Laughter)
''This child was dying, right? This child...
This...'' l dunno where the child is now.
The child was on a jetpack!
''Where the bloody hell did you get
the money for that jetpack?!''
''l got it in eBay, it was going cheap.''
Whoo!
No, it was a child... This is serious, this!
There was this kid, a starving, dying
African child. ''This child was dying, right?''
And it was skinny and all flies on the face
and that.
l think they were flies.
Could've been Bono and his mates just...
''Piss off, Bono, what are you doing?
''l'm trying to do charity work here.''
There's Michael Buerk standing there
reporting for the news.
Starving African child.
l limped past in the background.
(Laughter)
''This child was dying, right,
this child was dying!
''Thanks to the work that we did,
that child is alive today.
''The child's alive today.''
And everyone in the...
''Apparently, it's alive, the child's alive.''
And he goes, ''Not only that,
she's here tonight!''
Like some freaky
Surprise, Surprise shit going on.
''She's here tonight...'' And he introduced...
And this woman came in.
The same... 23 now.
The same child as in the picture.
The picture of health.
Not a hair out of place, beautiful woman!
Just walks in, stunning!
Just glides across the room like that.
The pop stars couldn't believe it, right?
Geldof starts crying, the lass is crying.
He's hugging her like that.
Midge Ure's crying, all the pop stars...
Even Bono and that's not easy
with them big glasses on.
The tears were flying out the side
and down there!
And l'm doing this radio interview
and the bloke on the radio described
what l've described to you.
He's got his headphones on and he went,
''Did you see it?
''Wasn't it the most touching and moving
thing you've ever seen in your life?''
- And l should've gone, ''Yes.''
- (Laughter)
And left it at that.
But l didn't. For some reason,
these words came out of my mouth.
''Yes, but wouldn't it have been funny...
''Wouldn't it have been funny...''
And it was one of them... Once you've said
those words, you're kind of committed.
Where do you go from there?
''Wouldn't it have been funny...''
And, you know, he held his headphones
like that and leant forward as if to say,
''Mm-hm?''
And his producer behind the glass with
her headphones on, she leant forward,
''Mm-hm?''
And l imagine thousands of people
listening live at home, holding cups of tea,
leant forward towards their radios,
''Mh-hm?''
One hand on the phone
just ready to complain.
l couldn't believe it. This is what happened.
He just went...
He just went, ''Did you see it on the telly?
''Wasn't it the most touching and moving
thing you've ever seen in your life?
''Wasn't it just touching and moving
and moving and touching
''and touching and moving...
''and touching...''
(Quietly) ''..and moving...''
(Silently)
(Laughter)
l said, ''Yes...
''it was touching and moving...''
(Quietly) ''..and moving and touching
''..and moving...''
(lnaudibly)
(Quietly) ''But wouldn't it have been funny...
''Wouldn't it have been funny...''
(Laughter)
(Laughter)
''Wouldn't it have been funny...
''..if Geldof...
''..Geldof...
''..Geldof...
''..if he'd...
''..if he'd got a great big fat lass
to come through the door?''
(Roar of laughter)
(Applause)
''We-e-e-e-e-ey!''
Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure
talking to you. Thanks for coming. See you!
(Applause and cheering)
- Thank you very much!
- (Whistling and cheering)
- Thank you!
- (Cheering and applause)
Thank you very much!
- Any questions?
- (People shout questions)
Bloody hell, straightaway.
(Mocks shouting)
- Sorry, what? Go on.
- (Man shouts question)
What? ''Where's the meat flapper
and the string?''
Sorry about that. Look at that.
You come along for a show and you say...
(Gruffly) ''l hope he does
the meat on the face
''or l'll be very angry.''
Sorry, it's backstage in a special
meat presentation case. Yes.
- (Man) Fetch it out.
- What?
- (Man) Fetch it out.
- ''Fetch it out!''
That's brilliant.
''How, son, fetch it out. Fetch it out.''
What, are you 80 years old?
(Gruffly) ''Howay, son,
fetch it out, fetch it out.
''l'll show you how we used to operate
meat on the face years and years ago.
'''Course we never had meat in my day.
Had to use fine slices of turnip.
''Good job it wasn't parsnip, cos that's...''
- Any other questions?
- (Man) Ross!
Yes!
(Man) Unicycling to school.
What's your view on it?
You know bloody well
what my view on it is.
Unicycling to school? l might have
unicycled to school when l was a kid.
You know,
l was from quite a large circus family.
No, l did, l got meself a unicycle.
l don't know if
there's anyone from Cramlington in.
(Cheering)
Yeah, just glad
to be out of the house probably.
Erm...
There's not a huge amount happening
on the streets of Cramlington.
You know, tucked away in designated
meeting rooms, sure, you know,
but just generally, you know,
and l thought,
''Ooh, how can l spice things up a bit?
l know, l'll learn to ride a unicycle,''
thinking that would be a fun thing
for a young man to do, you know,
to while away the hours.
l didn't realise that, essentially, riding
a unicycle around the streets of Cramlington
was tantamount to tattooing
''Please kick the living shit out of me''
across your face.
You know, when you're lying there
and somebody's gobbing in your face
going, ''You're a freak!'' you just think,
''Bloody hell, l can see why the circus
doesn't visit.''
You know.
Billy Smart bleeding from the eyes,
going, ''Bloody 'ell. l only wanted
to show you some tricks.''
- Anything else before we wrap it up?
- (Men shout)
- What's my what?
- What's your favourite catchphrase?
What's my favourite catchphrase?
Oh, the work of Roy Walker.
''Say what you see.''
Roy...Catchphrase.
l...l used to love Catchphrase
for the fact that it was...
it was essentially...
it was a...it was a TV show for idiots,
wasn't it, really?
You know, they just had a...
had a picture like that
and it would be like a cookie
crumbling like that.
He'd go, ''What do you think it is?''
and somebody would go,
''Er...er, Roy,
is it, er...snap the biscuit?''
What? ''ls it snap the bi...
see how the biscuit snaps?''
What?
''ls it the Cookie Crew
likes to snap a biscuit?''
''No, it's not.
See how the cookie crumbles!''
''Oh.
''l don't know that one.''
lt was fantastic. l loved that show.
lt's only been surpassed,
in my eyes,
by, er...the same people
that used to go on Catchphrase
are now the same people that apply for
You Say We Pay on Richard and Judy.
Oh, l know some of you
probably have jobs and that but, um...
How...it's a picture, right,
and they have to describe it, right?
And l'm not making this up,
there was a genuine one, right,
it was a hamster...
it was a bloody hamster and he went,
''lt keeps you warm in winter.''
What?!
What are you,
the beast master or something?
lt keeps you warm in winter?!
''lt keeps you warm in winter.
ls that what it is, Richard? ls it...''
lmagine how freaky
Richard Madeley would be
if he actually went,
''Yeah, is it a hamster?
''Yes, oh, it is! Yeah, cos Judy and l,
we can't help ourselves.
''We're all...in our house, 'Oh, Judy,
it's a little bit chilly in here, isn't it?'
'''l'll fetch the hamsters, Richard, yeah.'''
That'll be right,
walking out in a live hamster coat
with a big Davy Crockett style
hamster hat on.
''Ooh, brilliant, where's that cheese gone?
You hamster bastards.''
''lsn't that mice that eat cheese?''
''Yeah, but you know, rodents,
they are all the same.''
One person - this is another one
that was on...er...on that -
it was a picture of an apple
and somebody had to describe it
not using the word apple.
You know what they said? ''Er...
''not an orange.''
Not an orange?!
That isn't a b... What?!
Essentially, what you've done there
is described everything, haven't you?
What chance have Richard and Judy got
of guessing that?
That was a genuine one,
''Not an orange.''
''ls it an oboe?'' ''No.''
''Er...'' (Panting)
''Oh, God! l don't know.''
''ls it a polystyrene effigy
of Ayatollah Khomeini?''
''No, it's not. Come on, keep guessing,
keep guessing.''
You Say We Pay, l love it.
Any other questions?
- (People shout questions)
- What?
Does my wife think l'm funny?
Depends on what context
l'm being funny in.
She...l made her laugh,
and l feel we're friends, l'll tell you this,
but this is a bit dodgy, but l'll tell you.
The...er...
me and me wife killed a man...
No, we didn't.
l'm joking. (Laughs)
l just wanted to dispel
the tension there cos you all went...
''lt's a bit dodgy!''
The...yeah. No, we were...
we were having a Chinese meal, right,
with a couple of friends of ours, right,
that were over from Australia
and l says. ''Oh, Ken Hom,''
right, you know Ken Hom?
''No, who's Ken Hom?''
The...um...the...
Ken Hom, Chinese... Ooh, hello.
''Mmah! Ken Hom.
He said the magic words.
''l've won a toaster.''
We went to this restaurant, right,
and it was all fancy and everything
and l said this thing
cos l thought it was funny,
realising that, really,
one, l shouldn't have said it out loud,
and two, l shouldn't have allowed
a) our friends to hear this
and two, everyone else
on the table around to hear, right?
l thought it was very funny.
We went around... You get fortune cookies,
you know, after the meal.
And you open it up
and everyone goes around
and l'm just going, ''Aw, don't
read 'em out cos everyone's listening
''to hear what our fortune's going to be
on the other tables,'' you know.
lt's not scientific but, you know,
so they are opening them up
and like, you know,
one of our friends goes,
''Oh, it says here
a wise man can learn more from fools
''than a fool can from wise,'' right?
Standard fortune cookie bullshit, right?
So they're going around
and they're all pretty dull.
And then it gets to me
and l thought for a bit of a laugh
l'll just say something out of order.
So l opened it up and l went,
''Ooh.''
And they all went, ''What?''
And l went, ''You have AlDS.''
And...
My wife laughed
like l've never seen somebody laugh.
She exploded with laughter. The...the
glitter tears were rolling down her face.
And it's one of the things...
And like our friends just stared like that
going, ''You shouldn't have said that
out loud.''
But there was people on the other tables
who had obviously been earwigging in,
going, ''Oh? Ooh.''
Yeah, l love all that, wisdom and stuff.
There was...
l was, er... l was in a Little Chef, right.
Oh, rock and roll for me!
There was a menu in the Little Chef, right,
and it was trying to entice...
They can't just let you decide.
lt can't just be
''Starter, main course, pudding.
''lf you want one, have one.
''lf you don't, we'll leave it.''
They have to give a little thing
just to try and get you to have...
And it said on there, it said,
''Why not try one of our desserts?
''Go on, you only live once.'' Right?
Just you know, like a little enticement
to try and...''Go on, you only live once.''
l thought, ''lt's a bit of a blow
for the Buddhists, isn't it?''
Do you know what l mean?
What a way to find out that everything
you believe in is bollocks.
Do you know what l mean?
''Oh, look at this, Brian.
''Turns out there's no eternal life
with a possible chance of nirvana.
''According to this,
we only actually live once!
''Ah! Damn you, Little Chef!''
- Any other questions?
- (Man) What will you get for Christmas?
What am l getting for Christmas?
Ooh, l don't really know.
l've asked for surprises,
to be honest with you.
lt'll probably be shit.
No, this is a true story, right, and he'll
bloody kill us cos he's in tonight.
The, er...you know my dad, right,
got me for Christmas one year...
- and l'll never let him for...
- (Man) A tambourine?
Good answer, but no. Look at that.
God, you've got a good memory,
''Was it a tambourine?''
You've memorised
every show l've ever done.
''He mentioned...he mentioned
a tambourine. Was it? Was it? Eh?''
''This is brilliant.
He said there was gonna be a quiz.''
That'd be great if l went ''No'' and
somebody else guessed something else,
and then all we heard is ''Moo!''
''Who brought them three bulls in?''
''l thought l'd save you
trying to find a place.''
No, my dad, right, this is the honest truth
and l keep going on about this
and l wanted a mountain bike, right,
cos l had a Grifter,
and l don't know if you...
if you ever went on a Grifter.
lt was essentially just
scaffolding poles, right?
Big, thick, heavy scaffolding poles.
You know, everyone else was on BMXes
flying around and stuff.
The Grifter was only any good
for ploughing. That's all it could...
lf you went down on a Grifter, that was it,
you were over for good.
Paramedics and fire
engines pulling the thing up like that.
''Get his leg out! lt's crushed!''
And l wanted a mountain bike, right?
l wanted a big, red, er...
a Raleigh Mastiff l believe it was called.
And you know what me dad got me
instead of a mountain bike?
l know you're probably thinking,
''Did he get you a shitty old Chopper?''
No, he didn't. ''Did he get you
some other crappy bike?'' No.
- l'll tell you what he got me. A what?
- (Man shouts)
A unicycle? l paid for that meself!
- (Woman shouts)
- l'll tell you what he got me
instead of a mountain bike.
He got me a cork notice board.
l'm not making it up.
A cork notice board.
Where's the leap between
mountain bike, cork notice board?
How in your wildest dreams do those two
ever get linked together?
''Oh, he wants a mountain bike.
Mm. l'll get him a notice board.''
You know, so now whenever journalists go,
''So, Ross,
why did you become a comedian?''
l'll just go, ''Exhibit A, cork notice board.''
Anything else,
and then we really should wrap it up.
- (Man) Craig David!
- What do l think of Craig David?
l think that he should be slowly
fed into an industrial thresher.
R-r-r-r-r-r-r!
(As Craig David) # Mm-hm, ooh-ooh,
l'm getting fed into a thresher
# Ooh
# l'm getting fed!
Fed into a thresher
# Look at me getting fed... #
R-r-r-r-r-r!
He'd probably try and make love
to the thresher.
So that's a nice bit of lovemaking.
There's one thing you must never do
when making love, right?
This is a... and take... l've learnt this
from personal experience, right?
- When making sweet love...
- (Man shouting)
lt's worse than that, mate.
Yeah, but thanks for your input on that.
''Don't call out the wrong name.'' Yes.
Are you speaking
from personal experience there?
Oh. You just out of nowhere like that,
just making sweet love and just thinking,
''Right, don't call out the wrong name.
''Whatever happens,
don't call out the wrong...
''Ruth Madoc!''
''Oh, no.''
''What? From Hi-De-Hi?''
''l'm sorry, love. Me mind wandered.''
Are there any more questions
before l tell you this?
Yes?
- Have you got some crazy fetishes?
- l what?
(Man) Watching tonight, you seem like
you've got some crazy fetishes.
Watch out tonight, it seems like...
Watch out tonight, it seems like
l've got some crazy fetishes?
You don't honestly think that l genuinely
make love to pensioners, do you?
Can l just point out, right,
the stuff that l talk about in the show, right,
the stuff that l go, ''This actually happened,''
that actually happened, right?
When l talk about things like, you know...
old man loving...
it never happened.
lt was an old lady anyway.
l just...l thought,
''How can l make this even more wrong?
''Oh, make it old man loving.''
# Old man lovin', it's old man lovin'
# He must know something
but he don't say nothin'
# Cos old man lovin'... #
hasn't got his teeth in.
(Audience groans)
Oh, what? Now l've gone too far?
All the things l talked about tonight
that you could have gone, ''Arh!''
and an old man not having his teeth in
while l make sweet love to him
at a bus stop - that's wrong.
Actually, no, you're right.
That is...that is wrong.
- No... Anything else and then l'll...
- (Man shouts question)
Do l... Have l ever bought out of eBay?
Yes, l have. A huge amount.
- Yeah.
- (Man) Like what?
You bought the tickets for here off eBay?
Oh, fantastic. Oh, well done.
And did you get a good deal on them?
Oh, you got ripped off, did you?
Well, not through the quality of the show,
you cheeky bastard.
Yeah, ''We thought it was an afternoon
show. lt's a bit late, to be honest.''
''Why are you so knackered?''
''l was up all night
getting the tickets off eBay.''
Oh, dear! Well, l'm glad...
Well done anyway.
Next time you buy something off eBay,
check to see whether there's a thing
in brackets, ''PS, you will get spat on.''
- Anything else and then l...
- Do you follow any religious teachings?
Do l follow any religious teachings?
Oh, l'm ever so religious, me.
There's that old joke,
''l belong to the church of barrel.
''l go when l'm pushed.''
The, er... No, l don't.
Arthur Askey, 1927.
Do l follow any religious teachings?
Not really, cos mainly it's bollocks.
- Do you know what l mean?
- (Cheering and applause)
Ooh.
That was too much for that fella there.
He...what?
Oh, the car park's shutting?
Right, l'll finish up.
Right, don't worry, l'll finish. Right.
Fuckin' hell!
How many gigs does this happen at?
''Excuse me, Ross,
we've had a lovely time.
''He's got to work
and the car park's shutting.''
That's magnificent.
lmagine if you went to see a big rock act,
like Bon Jovi or something like that...
(lmitates music)
# And you gotta hold on... #
''Excuse me, Jon, erm...
''Gotta get to the car park.''
(Rapidly) ''# Livin' on a prayer #
Ching! See you.''
Right, OK, l'll tell you this
and then you can go and get the car.
What? l've got a few cameras in tonight.
You could just leave
and then l might...you know,
you might see this on...
You're...you're scared of getting up
in case l'll pick on you?
Oh, yeah, look at the casualties
that have endured this evening.
He went for a piss.
l went, ''Been for a piss?''
He went, ''Yeah.'' That was it!
What? ls that too much for you, is it?
- Oh, blimey, yeah.
- (Woman shouts)
You're just out of therapy, are you? Mm.
Sorry, l thought of something very funny
but wrong to say there.
No, you see? No, all right.
Here's the two options, right?
Cos it's me and l'm a nice fella
and l want everyone to have a lovely time,
you know, l'd go, ''Well,
''l'm glad you're back in recovery,
and your therapy worked
''and you've had a lovely night
with a bit of laughter.'' Right? Right?
lf l was a nasty bastard l'd go,
''Clearly not beauty therapy.''
Do you see what l'm saying?
Do you see what l'm saying?
Do you see the...
l've got...
There's...
There's the two options,
but l went for the nice one. l didn't...
So l'll tell you this
and then l swear to God we'll...
Prepare the car park!
Oi! You! Get back in your seat!
Cheeky bastard!
l've got quite a large crew,
l'll send one out to burst your tyres.
''Fuck him. He's not leaving early.''
Right, OK, here we go.
- l'll do this and...
- (Woman shouts)
lt's not going to take five minutes!
Every time you hold me...
Bloody hell!
l'm two...
three gigs from the end of the tour.
Every night people go,
''Do as long as you want, Ross, stay.''
Bloody home gig and,
''Can you hurry up, please?''
''Come on.''
Some places, ''Oh, value for money.
This is good. Can you stay on a bit?''
Here, ''Just do it and then fuck off.''
''We've had our money's worth,
we've had a lovely time.''
''l've got a doctor's appointment
in the morning.
''Yeah. lf you don't get in there early,
the couch is all smeared.''
What?! What's wrong?! What is that?!
You're making up your own dirty jokes.
No, no, no.
- No, l'm gonna...
- (Woman) ls it on a DVD?
Might be.
l haven't decided. The thing is, right,
if you go right now, right, you don't know.
You might miss loads or l might just end.
- l'll get locked in the car park.
- You'll get locked in the car park?
Depends how much fun
you're having now, really.
lt probably will be on the DVD.
But you know what l might do?
l might edit this bit. Yeah.
l might get up to this bit and..
You know what l might do?
- Whereabouts do you live?
- (Woman) Er...County Durham.
County Durham. All the DVDs
released in the Durham area
will just finish just at that point there.
Just as you get up, it'll just snip
and it will be like, ''Vroop, Durham edit.
(Mouths)
Are you?
Are you sure you wanna go?
Cos it could just...
(Woman) The ticket said half-past seven.
lt said half-past seven?
No, it said, ''Doors open half-past seven.''
- (Woman responds)
- Oh, l see.
- Oh, right.
- (Woman) We went to see Jimmy Carr.
Oh, Jimmy Carr?
And what time was he finished?
No, no, it's fine. What...what...
No, shut your face.
What...what time...
what time did Jimmy finish?
He did an hour and 20 minutes?
Yeah, cos he's shit.
(Cheering and applause)
Thanks for coming. Good night.
There... Has she gone?
Right. Head her off to the car park,
somebody. Put some cones down.
Right, anyone else... Right,
how many people, right, need to go to...
Fuck's sake.
As l said that,
the guys on the camera were all going,
''Us, to be honest with you. Yeah.
''lf you don't finish now,
we're going to charge you five times.''
(Woman shouts)
Sorry, you're gonna have to
say that again with gaps. So...
(Yawns)
You've...you've got time,
haven't you? You've got time...
Ooh, that's good. Look. (Chuckles)
The little camera's coming in.
l'll do the whole show just lying like this.
So, anyway... Hello, anyone
from County Durham, then, er...this is for...
Ooh, that's freaking me out now.
That's...that's a bit weird, that.
Who... You know what this feels like?
This feels like,
you know that scene in Minority Report?
l'll edit them out.
Look, everyone just fucking off now.
Oh, yeah,
that's gonna look good on the DVD,
just big, empty gaps of people,
''See you! See you!''
Right, l'm gonna tell you this
and then l'm gonna go
cos l know that there's a car park
and, you know, it's gonna shut
and you're fools to yourselves.
l'm going to ring Jimmy up tomorrow
and just go, ''You did how long?
''Bloody robbing bastard!
''l do twice as long.
''Loser!''
- He won't care. (Sighs)
- (Man) Keep going all night, Ross!
''Just keep going all night!''
Just...just...yeah.
- (Cheering and applause)
- All right, yeah.
Oh, you say that now.
The thing is, l could.
You know, they are either students
or homeless people.
(People shouting)
- (Man shouts) Both!
- Both.
''Or homeless students!''
Right. That's great, that.
''Just keep going, all night long.''
lt turned into a comedy version
of Live 8.
Like a telethon. Right.
No, l won't go all night cos, you know,
he's got to work.
You what?
You did bloody stick it out.
Could you not say it in those terms, though?
(Plummy accent) ''By Jove, Ross,
l tell you what, l bloody stuck it out.
''l got through it all right, and l say,
''they all reckon
it will all be over by Christmas...
''2012.''
This is something...
and l've learned this...
and...and take this away with you,
right, tonight,
as you stand shivering
next to a closed down car park.
''Aw, please, please.''
Like l say, you'll learn something here
tonight. This is my bit of wisdom for you.
When making love, there is one thing
you must never do, and...
and there's no taboos left, right?
Doesn't matter who you are.
You can be gay, straight, Chinese...right?
They're the three types.
Have you noticed it is only
the Chinese and young offenders
who are any good at Ping-Pong?
Don't shoot the messenger.
Sorry.
There's a lass that looks Chinese
in the second row like that, going,
''Well, l'm not very good at Ping-Pong.''
ls that what you said to him?
No? OK. Sorry about that.
l was just being silly.
lt's like this show
hasn't been researched properly.
One thing which you must never do...
Get out, quickly.
One thing... For fuck's sake!
One thing which you must never do
when making love, right,
one noise, right,
and l know you've probably got it...
- (Woman shouts)
- Ah! Don't even think about it.
He's got to work,
there's people got to get their cars... Oi!
Sit back down! l'll be one minute!
l'll be one bloody minute!
What?
You'll listen as you go. Oh.
(Laughter and applause)
What a great way to end a gig that is.
Listen as you go.
lf you don't let me bloody finish this,
it's going to end with you
driving down the street,
and me running after your car,
''Just one more thing!''
Right.
When l finish, l'm gonna walk off, right?
l'm gonna come back on,
l'm gonna take a bow and then leave.
So when l walk off, don't all
fucking stand up and leave, right?
l'll just tell you that now, right?
Stay.
Oh, fuck. The fucking graphic's
finished on the thing.
Bloody 'ell.
The graphics have turned off on the thing.
Oh, they're back, they're ba...
That's not them back, is it?
That looks a bit shit.
That'd be good if l had nipped off
and come back and you were going,
''l'm sorry. Gotta get to the car park.''
What's funny about this is,
like l say, l have got the cameras in,
this might be a DVD, l haven't decided,
l might just put it on the telly.
But the thing is, is that there is only
a finite number of tapes that we've got.
So chances are, we stopped recording
hours ago, you know.
l can't believe l'm saying that.
l mean, l go out,
l come back, l bow, and then l...
Otherwise it looks like
a non-committed standing ovation.
Look at that standing ovation
he's getting there, it's magnificent.
They're all holding shopping
and walking out.
Right.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
God bless you all.
There is a soup kitchen provided outside.
One...and don't even think about offering
your own noises cos we haven't got time.
One noise when making love,
and l've learned this
from personal experience, right?
When making sweet love,
there is one noise you must never make
and it's this noise...
''Dada!''
That really is all from me. Thanks for
coming. See you later! Good night!
See ya!
Wanker.
Ohh!