Dixie, it's me.
Hi, how are you doing, girl?
Yeah, I'm on my way.
I'll be there in about five minutes.
I'm bringing it.
I've only had it a year and a half.
I told you I'd return it. Okay.
So long, talk to you later.
All right, all right. Bye.
I'm walkin', yes, indeed
And I'm talkin' about you and me
Yeah, I'm hopin'
Oh, yeah
Now I'm forming
Words with my tongue
Now I'm stumbling
But I'm okay now
Now I'm walkin' down the steps
Because it's easier
Than walkin' up the steps, hey
Didn't slide
Oh, that's a tough break for me
Oh, yeah
Now I'm having a small heart attack
But I'm recovering, hey, yeah
Now I'm seeing
Two coked-up hopheads
Comin' at me
Could be trouble...
Hey, off the sidewalk.
Other side of the street, scum.
Now, come on.
It's a cop.
Wait a minute.
If he's a cop, where's his gun?
He's the fireman.
Cut a wide swath, pussy.
All right, all right.
Thank you, ass wipe.
Christ, that's the biggest no...
Don't say it.
Quite a hood ornament
you got there, pal.
Oh, here it comes.
I really admire your shoes.
- What?
- I love your shoes.
What do you mean?
And I was just thinking that as much
as I really admire your shoes...
...and as much as I'd love
to have a pair just like them...
...I really wouldn't wanna be
in your shoes...
...at this particular time and place.
I don't really know karate.
I didn't think so.
Oh, damn. Get up.
- Son of a...
- Get pissed, Rich.
- I am pissed.
- Okay.
Oh, 15-love.
Help, my nose.
Okay, come on, come on.
Come on.
Okay, you want trouble,
you're gonna get trouble.
Oh, blood.
Fault.
Okay, that's the way
you wanna play?
You broke my nose.
All right.
Had enough yet?
Thirty-love.
Surprise.
Forty-love.
Are we having fun yet?
Service.
Game.
Let's play again sometime.
Grover.
Grover.
Grover.
Dixie.
Dixie.
Dixie?
Dixie.
Dixie.
Dix. Where the hell is she?
Oh, hi.
Here's your racket.
Thanks.
What's this stuff on it? Vitalis?
Oh, no, it's blood.
Where's my tea?
Berni.
You wanna tell me about it?
You're too young.
Come here, Grover.
Come here, Grover.
Grover.
Grover, come here.
Shit.
Damn it.
There'd better be a window open,
Grover.
I'm gonna have you neutered.
Oh, God.
Don't go anywhere.
I'll go around to the front of the house.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
God.
Oh, brother, I can't believe it.
More, more, more.
Yeah.
More, more. Thank you, thank you.
Goddamn it,
we're supposed to put them out!
Guys, guys.
Oh, what now?
- Oh, no.
- What's going on?
I have a dream.
It's not a big dream,
it's just a little dream.
My dream... And I hope
you don't find this too crazy.
- Is that I would like the people
of this community...
...to feel that if, God forbid,
there were a fire...
...calling the fire department
would actually be a wise thing to do.
You can't have people, as their houses
are burning down, say:
"Whatever you do,
don't call the fire department."
That would be bad.
Please, get it cleaned up.
Don't make me have to explain it.
- No problem, chief.
- We'll do it.
Hello.
Hello?
I'm locked out of my house.
I can get you back in.
Come on inside, I'll get some tools.
I don't have any clothes on.
You want a coat or anything?
No, I really like to stand naked
in this bush in the freezing cold.
I'll get the tools.
Thanks.
Hi, chief. What is it?
Somebody
locked out of their house.
- Need any help, chief?
- Looks pretty boring.
- I'll take care of it.
- Okay, bye.
- Ralston.
- We're in trouble.
Nobody had a coat?
You said you didn't want a coat.
Why would I not want a coat?
- You said you didn't want a coat.
- I was being ironic.
Oh, irony.
Oh, no, no, we don't get that here.
See, people ski topless here
while smoking dope...
...so irony
is not really a high priority.
We haven't had any irony here
since about '83...
...when I was the only practitioner
of it.
I stopped, because I was tired
of being stared at.
Oh, brother.
You shouldn't leave your lights on
when you're locked out.
You waste a lot of electricity.
You can hide in that bush over there,
and I won't see your nakedness.
I noticed you don't have any tattoos.
I think that's a wise choice.
I don't think Jackie Onassis
would have gone as far...
...if she'd had an anchor on her arm.
Well, every job has a perfect tool.
Let's see.
This lock doesn't accept MasterCard.
I'm gonna have to try the old reliable.
And when I say... old reliable,
I'm lying...
...because I've never tried
this before.
- You may not wanna watch this.
- Okay.
Careful.
God, I hate heights.
What are you doing up there?
I'm freezing.
For God's sake, put something on.
Thanks.
Hello?
There you go.
I'm averting my eyes, finally.
Oh, look what you got me into,
Grover. Thanks.
Do you wanna come in...?
I sort of already did.
I figured you must be starving...
...so I made us some cheese
and some vegetables au naturel.
Maybe you'd like some wine
with your nose.
Cheese.
Wine will be fine.
Do you have a straw?
No, I don't actually. Why?
No particular reason.
Cheers.
Party trick.
Well, a nose by any other name.
Would smell as sweet.
My name is C.D. Bales.
I'm the fire chief.
You can call me Charlie if you want.
My name is Roxanne.
Thanks for helping me before.
I've been in this house.
I know who owns it.
Dixie? I liked her.
She gave me a real good deal
for the summer.
Oh, yeah, nice and cheap, I'll bet.
Oh, it's worth it.
This house has a great spot for that.
I thought you'd never ask.
I didn't.
What is it, a mummy?
It's a telescope. It's beautiful.
- You must know about M31.
- Yeah.
Now, see, I like it when they give
astronomical objects names...
...you know, like Andromeda
and Saturn and Sea of Tranquility.
This whole numbering thing
is just too boring for us civilians.
Do you know how many objects
are up there?
Well, I know it's over 50.
They've done pretty well, considering
how many things they have to name.
How about muon?
Gluon?
Quark?
You know what a quark is?
I used to. I just forgot right now.
Oh, well, we don't know
everything, do we?
Sit down, I'll show you.
Let's see.
Here it is.
No one's actually ever seen a quark,
but we know they exist.
There's at least six different types.
There's up, down, strange,
charmed, bottom and top.
That's their flavor.
The top and bottom quarks
are the most common kinds.
But only an unusually
exotic collision...
...can produce the strange
and charmed quarks.
It's beautiful, don't you think?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
these are astronomical objects, then?
No, subnuclear particles.
I thought so.
So, what are you looking for?
I can't tell you.
Why is that?
I can't, it's a secret.
Oh, I got you.
I got a few secrets myself.
Some pretty important ones too.
Well, actually,
I have one pretty impor...
Well, actually, I have one lousy one.
Well, actually,
I don't have any secrets at all.
It's just so depressing.
Did you say your name
was Roxanne?
Yeah.
That's unusual. It's pretty.
There's a name for a galaxy.
Sorry, didn't mean
to wax rhapsodic.
I should go.
It's late, I've got a lot
of important things to do.
Okay.
Well, wish me luck.
- On?
- Just luck.
No, I don't believe in luck.
Wish for something to happen.
I know what you mean.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
So long.
- Are you okay?
- Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine. Goodbye.
So long.
Bye.
Roxanne.
It's a party town, maestro.
You'll love it.
- Gavanna Samana?
- What?
Weren't you Playmate of the Month,
June '85?
- Come on.
- No.
That's really funny...
...because I thought I recognized
your inner diameter slope.
What's that?
That's the part of the back of your leg
that curves into your inner thigh.
Works every time, maestro.
I'm calling you maestro...
...because that's what you are
with the chicks, right?
All right, men, let's go.
I'll take the top one.
Gotcha.
- All right, man, are you ready?
- Okay.
Right.
What?
What's going on here?
Training.
I want something
that says action with style.
- Kind of a GQ firefighter.
- Hey, guys.
Guys, this is Chris, our new pro.
- A real firefighter.
- Welcome aboard, Chris.
I'm Mayor Deebs.
We didn't expect you till Monday.
Thought I'd come in early,
get a good start.
He's a maniac with the chicks too.
Dean, Trent,
my personal tailor, Sam.
I'll show you your room.
What do you think?
Cuffs or no cuffs?
- I think you'd better get off that hose.
- Oh, right up here. A fire hose.
I think I'm gonna have trouble
getting my telescope up those stairs.
I'll ask C.D. To do it.
If I can tear him away
from his encyclopedias.
He reads encyclopedias?
He is an encyclopedia.
He's funny.
Oh, he's great.
Yeah, he's my godbrother.
This uniform works.
That's why I'm a volunteer.
- I can tell.
- Hey, hey, Carol.
Hey, what about your boyfriend?
What's his name?
Richard.
When's he coming?
He's not.
He's not coming.
What happened?
We just ran out of gas.
I guess I mistook sex for love.
Oh, I did that once. It was great.
Sandy's a very deep person.
Oh, my God, who is that?
She could certainly make my night.
- Who is she?
- Oh, God.
Sandy, Sandy,
come here, come here.
Who's that?
That's Roxanne.
She studies astronomy
or astrology or something.
There's a difference?
Look, look, look,
someone is checking you out.
Now, he could cheer you up.
If I was you,
I'd do something about that.
Maybe.
Maybe later.
Maybe not.
You are playing it beautifully.
- You don't mind if I give it a shot?
- You go right ahead.
Thanks, maestro.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You know, I'd like to invite you
to a Nelson tradition of hot tubbing.
Pardon me?
It's a tradition we have here
to consume some mulled wine...
...and enjoy
some outdoor hot tubbing.
Tradition?
When the settlers came here
a hundred years ago...
...they started hot tubbing?
What? Oh, yeah.
You are feisty. I like that, I do.
He's got an ego the size of Brazil.
I'm sorry,
I just have to stop talking right now.
Hey, well, that's okay, no problem.
Tell you what, I'll be right over there.
And you just start thinking about it.
And if you change your mind,
just come on over.
And I think you might.
Well, if I do change my mind,
you'll know...
...because my breasts will be heaving
and moist with perspiration.
So long, foxy.
- So long. Later.
- Later.
Look at this. He only gave us
enough money for one drink.
And this is what it's gonna be like
being single.
Oh, he's got a great ass.
Too bad it's on his shoulders.
- Oh, he's cute.
- He's a flirt.
I have nothing against cute.
I just wish I could meet someone
with half a brain this time.
Good luck.
He went up there before school,
and he just won't come down.
All right, all right, all right.
- I'll see what I can do.
- Thanks.
Hey, Dean, it's Bales. B-A-L-E-S.
- Right, Bales, yeah.
- I hope so.
I know that.
You're the chief.
He's not moving or anything,
but he did it once before...
...but he's never stayed
up there this long.
- It's gonna be all right, honey.
- You think so?
C.D. Will take care of it.
Hey, what's the trouble, Peter?
Come on, what's the matter?
They call me Porky at school.
Why do they have to do that?
Goddamn it.
I shouldn't say that in front of you.
Did you talk to your mother
about it?
Once, I tried.
But she said I had to clean up
my plate first.
Now, see? That's good.
You're way better than these guys
who make fun of you.
You're smart, and you're funny.
You can make things up.
I didn't make it up. It's true.
Bastards.
I shouldn't say that in front of you.
Do I have to get down now?
No.
No.
Let's just stay up here for a while.
- That's our new computer.
- Yeah.
We can pinpoint
any fire in town with that.
I can see that.
It's perfect for us, because, you know,
we're the fire department.
Yeah, well, that is perfect.
- Hi, I'm Andy.
- Yeah, good to meet you.
- How are you?
- Fine, fine.
Well, I just wanted to welcome you.
Okay, thanks a lot.
So okay.
- Hey, there is one thing.
- Yeah?
- Have you met the chief?
- No.
Oh, he's kind of funny-looking,
so I wouldn't mention it.
I wouldn't do that.
Yeah, I figured you wouldn't.
But sometimes, you know,
things kind of accidentally slip out.
And then, you know:
Watch it. Watch it on that stair.
Who designed these steps?
The Marquis de Sade?
Watch the mirror.
Why is this thing so heavy?
It's mostly air.
Yeah, and glass, so be careful.
I have an aunt who knitted one of
these. It was much lighter than this.
This secret of yours
relates to this thing, right?
Sort of, yeah.
What are you doing?
What are you doing, Charlie?
Charlie, I can't hold this by myself.
- You don't have to tell me.
- Charlie.
- Okay, okay, I'll tell you.
- All right, all right, all right.
Start talking. There we go.
Wait a second, get a grip.
Got it.
I think I discovered a comet.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Hold it there.
- Okay.
It's no big deal, you know.
There's lots of comets.
But see, I was working on this paper...
Watch it.
- On the Oort cloud.
- The Oort cloud, yeah.
And I discovered
a mathematical irregularity. What?
God, I haven't climbed this many steps
since I went to see the maharishi.
Let's go, go on.
Well, I think that a series
of 10 comets...
- Yeah?
- Watch it around this corner.
- Come around here.
- I got it.
- Are the forerunner of a big comet
which is due back this summer.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
So you're gonna find it
with this thing.
No, this is too small.
My uncle's looking for it
in the big scope in Arizona.
Oh, so I've carried this up here
for nothing.
Not really.
Okay, put that counterbalance
on that arm with the key.
So, what do you get if you're right?
Nothing.
Well, I graduate, that's for sure.
And I get to name it.
Well, that's pretty good.
Sort of historical.
Yeah.
Comet Kowalski.
Kowalski? Why?
You've got a chance
to give it a beautiful name.
That's my name.
It is? Roxanne Kowalski?
Yeah.
Sorry.
So when do you find out
about this thing?
July 14th, 2200 hours,
eight minutes, 31 seconds.
Give or take 10 days.
That would really be something.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, don't look now,
but the Viking just came in.
- Don't look now.
- Oh, God, it's him.
- All right.
- Chris, come here.
- Mayor.
- Shake hands with me, I'm the mayor.
It'll make you look important.
He should be bronzed.
Everyone tells me you are fast,
efficient and brilliant.
Brilliant. With the ladies.
Take care of yourself.
If anything happens to you, C.D.
Will be all over my kizitsky or kazatsky.
Congratulations on your victory.
So sorry. Sorry.
- A week before the election...
...but, you know, I'm gonna make
the best of it.
Oh, God.
Get a hold of yourself, God.
It's now or never.
Do it, Roxanne. Come on, what...?
- There's only one way to tell.
- Yeah, what difference does it make?
Okay.
When he comes out, I'll invite him
to a Nelson tradition of hot tubbing.
And I'll set him up
with some mulled wine...
...and I'll babe him a lot, you know.
I'm shocked.
We're all shocked.
I'm not shocked.
I need a little confidence.
Confidence, confidence.
A little water,
and then you're gonna talk to her.
Oh, no.
Shit.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Remember me?
- I'm trying to put it behind me.
Is this your shop?
Yeah, it's my shop. All mine.
- It's perfect.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- It's really you.
- I appreciate that.
Why don't you come in and check out
the new freeze-dried animals.
They're incredibly lifelike.
Maybe next time, huh?
There we go.
C.D.
It came to me last night in a flash.
Yeah, what is that?
The thing, the gimmicks.
The Nelson promotional cow.
Whoa, we're talking to the chief.
You give her a name.
Susie, Esmeralda...
- Bossy.
- Bossy.
You put her picture in the corner
of our posters, drinking a beer.
Teach her to drink a beer.
These things work.
I think it's a fantastic idea.
- Do you like it?
- I do, I love it.
I think it's great.
Great idea, just...
I think it's brilliant.
What an idea.
And I was there. I saw it happen.
He took the idea,
he saw it ripe on the tree.
He plucked it,
and he put it in his pocket.
It's... It's... Dare I say, genius?
No, no, but maybe:
Maybe it is.
Maybe I'm in the presence
of greatness.
Maybe I just don't know it,
but I saw it.
- Hey, you meet C.D. Yet?
- The chief? No, not yet.
There's a little something
you should know.
I know. He's got a big nose, right?
Man, whatever you do, don't stare.
Look, I'm not gonna stare, come on.
None of us would, but you get there,
and you feel yourself not staring.
Then you think,
"It's obvious, I'm not staring."
So you look.
Then you think, "I'm staring."
So you say, "This is ridiculous,"
and you take a good look.
And you think, "I'm looking at a man
who, when he washes his face...
...loses the bar of soap."
Thanks, guys, okay.
Don't say we didn't warn you.
Do you see that on his face?
You think people go to Sun Valley...
...because they have
a great fire department?
No, no, work along with me.
You've gotta use promotion.
That way the town grows,
the fire department grows.
We all grow with it.
But you can't run a fire department
with the seven Banana Brothers.
You need professionals.
This town could be another Aspen.
You have any idea
how much money they make there?
C.D., as soon as this Oktoberfest
promotion is over...
...we'll see about getting
the funds back.
Ladies, drinks are on Chuck.
Like it?
Pure beaver.
No, I start to have a drink.
I'll have a drink, then I start to relax,
and then I start to have fun.
And it's not something I really
wanna start at this point in my life.
Heard you're tough.
I am.
But if you used a little tenderizer,
I might cook up pretty good.
Asshole.
Hey, where are you going,
big nose?
Pardon me?
You heard me, big nose.
- Is that it?
- Yeah.
Well, you really got me on that one,
didn't you?
Oh, wait a second.
- Go.
- What a waste of an opportunity.
What?
Well, I mean, you've got someone
standing in front of you with this...
...and all you can think up
is big nose.
I suppose you could think of
something better?
Yeah, I think I could think up
something better.
Come here.
Take this dart.
Whatever number you hit,
that's how many I'll think up.
All right, yeah.
Twenty? Shit.
Two out of three. Two out of three.
There you go.
Twenty.
Darts champion, Denver, 1987.
Come on, C.D.
Come on, Charlie, you can do it.
All right.
All right, 20 something betters.
Here it goes.
Start with obvious:
"Excuse me, is that your nose?
Or did a bus park on your face?"
Meteorological:
"Everybody take cover.
She's going to blow."
Fashionable:
"You know, you could de-emphasize
your nose...
...if you wore something larger,
like Wyoming."
Personal: "Well, here we are,
just the three of us."
Punctual: "Delman, your nose was on
time, but you were 15 minutes late."
Envious:
"Oh, I wish I were you.
Gosh,
to be able to smell your own ear."
Naughty:
"Some of the ladies have asked...
...if you wouldn't mind
putting that thing away."
Philosophical:
"You know, it's not the size of a nose
that's important.
It's what in it that matters."
Humorous:
"Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Sneeze and it's goodbye, Seattle."
Commercial: "Hi, I'm Earl Scheib,
and I can paint that nose for 39.95."
Polite:
"Mind not bobbing your head?
The orchestra keeps changing tempo."
Melodic: Everybody.
He's got the whole world
In his nose
Sympathetic:
"Oh, what happened?
Did your parents lose a bet with God?"
Complimentary:
"You must love the little birdies
to give them this to perch on."
Scientific:
"Say, does that thing there
influence the tides?"
Obscure:
"Whoa,
I'd hate to see the grindstone."
Well, think about it.
Inquiry:
"When you stop and smell the flowers,
are they afraid?"
French:
"Sir, the pigs have refused
to find any more truffles...
...until you leave."
Pornographic:
"Finally, a man who can satisfy
two women at once."
- How many is that?
- Fourteen, chief.
All right, all right.
Religious:
"The Lord giveth
and he just kept on giving, didn't he?"
Fifteen.
Disgusting:
"Say, who mows your nose hair?"
- Sixteen.
- Sixteen.
Paranoid:
"Keep that guy away
from my cocaine."
- Seventeen.
- Seventeen.
Aromatic:
"It must be wonderful
to wake up in the morning...
...and smell the coffee in Brazil."
Eighteen.
Appreciative:
"How original. Most people
just have their teeth capped."
Nineteen.
All right.
- One more.
- You can do it, C.D., one more.
- You can do it.
- Come on, C.D.
All right.
Dirty:
"Your name wouldn't be Dick,
would it?"
You smart-ass son of a bitch.
You flat-faced, flat-nosed flat-head.
Hey.
All right.
Has he fallen yet?
How you doing?
Did that copy of
Being And Nothingness by Jean...?
Jean-Paul Sartre?
Yes, it did, I got it right here.
- It's all paid for.
- Great, okay, thanks a lot.
- All right, okay.
- "It ain't nothing," bro.
"Therefore my body is a conscious
structure of my consciousness."
Yeah. Thanks, Chris.
I was too embarrassed to go in there
and ask for it myself.
A little light reading, huh, Andy?
Hey, you know, I got 9000
for my house this summer.
Which one of the five?
The one down on Rush Street.
Well, that's the one Roxanne's in.
You're soaking her for $9000.
I am not.
You like her, don't you?
What's not to like?
- Why don't you ask her out?
- No, couldn't possibly fit her in.
I've got a 3:00, I've got a 5:00,
and the women are just lined up.
- Mostly because of the old saying.
- Oh, yeah, what old saying?
The old saying about a man's nose.
- You know, relating to the size of...
- Of his what?
- Come on, everybody knows this.
- Come on.
- Hey, Sophie?
- Yeah.
You know the old saying
about a man's nose?
Oh, you mean how the size of a man's
nose relates to the size of his...?
Oh, my God.
I love doing that to them.
- Your tea, sir.
- Oh, thank you.
- And picks.
- Thanks, Berni.
You're welcome.
So why don't you ask her out?
Sometimes I walk around town
at night...
...and I see couples walking along
holding hands.
And I look at them and I think,
"Hey, why not me?"
And then I catch my shadow
on the wall.
Why don't you just get
that nose job?
- I did.
- Charlie.
No, it's the word. "Rhinoplasty."
I mean, it's so unpleasant.
It ranks up there with hemorrhoid.
Those are just two words
you really don't wanna get involved in.
What about a little cosmetics?
You know, some shading.
Along the sides and down the slope,
a little bit on the end.
- No, no, no.
- It really helps.
It's not me. I can't wear makeup.
- Hi.
- Hi, how are you?
- You should've stayed last night.
- Sorry, I pooped out.
- And you were great.
- I was okay.
- We were impressed.
- You were terrific.
Especially Roxanne.
She went on and on about you.
She did?
And I think she's fallen in love,
but she doesn't know it yet.
See you.
See you.
What does she mean,
she thinks she's fallen in love?
Well, it has been known to happen.
- The whole thing?
- Everything.
Oh, my God.
C.D., this is Chris McConnell.
Hey, it's a real pleasure meeting you.
Sorry we've been missing each other.
Are you all right?
I know you've met the guys.
How's your room?
It's hypnotic, isn't it?
It's huge.
It's enormous. It's gigantic.
They said it was big,
but I didn't expect it to be big.
Wanna shoot some pool?
Come on, rack them up.
We'll play a game, let's go.
Aren't you gonna kill me?
The guys said that...
Ordinarily, yeah, but not today.
Why not?
Because yesterday, she didn't.
But today, she does.
You finally got a sense of humor
about your nose, huh?
Rack them up.
Okay, turn on the hose.
All right, now, the secret
to moving a hose is in the rhythm.
To the left.
One and two and three.
To the right.
One and two and three.
Now forward.
One and two and three.
- Now back.
- Back?
One and two and three.
I can't stand this.
He's dancing
and we're fighting off...
- Go.
- Let's show the chief what we got.
Come on, let's go.
Come on, let's go, guys.
We can do it.
Okay, make room.
Make it stable, guys.
Guys, come on. Come on.
Turn it off. What are you doing?
Turn it off.
Hey.
Hey.
Go. Let's go, come on, come on.
Watch this, chief. Spin the horn.
Hold on, hold on, wait.
Shut it off, shut it off, shut it off.
Get a good stream.
Lean into it now, you gotta trust it.
Remember, water is your friend.
Now.
Okay, now, what's our signal
for charging the hose?
Remember, like Big Bird.
That's right, boys, Big Bird.
Just like on Sesame Street.
No, no, no.
- No, no, no.
- We'll catch you.
- Hit it.
- Watch it, come on, come on.
Roxanne, hi. It's me, Chuck.
- Hi.
- Oh, no, not again.
There he is. Back up a second.
Okay.
Flirting with Sophie
and Lydia again, huh?
Hey, Charlie, can I talk to you?
Well...
All right.
Hi, Charlie.
- See you later.
- Have a good time.
I got it.
Okay, was I right?
Yep, it's ugly.
It really is.
What I'm gonna say
is a little forward.
Good.
There's someone I think
I should get to know better.
Someone who I think likes me too.
Know what I mean?
Yeah.
I think he wants to talk to me.
I can see him trying, but he won't.
I like him for that.
Well, maybe this guy needs you
to make the first move.
That's why I'm talking to you.
So, what do you know
about this guy?
Well, I know he's interesting.
- Different.
- Yeah.
Intelligent.
Handsome.
He's what?
He's handsome.
See, isn't it amazing
if you have feelings for someone...
...how you can start to see them
as handsome?
Well, everyone thinks he is.
No, no, no, not everyone.
Believe me.
What are you talking about?
Nothing.
It's great.
It's great that he's all these things.
Yeah.
Well, I've only seen him a few times.
We've never even spoken.
We just exchanged
a couple of goofy looks.
So why are you telling me this?
He works for you.
His name's Chris McConnell.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- What's he like?
No, don't tell me.
I'll let it unfold.
Since you're gonna be working with
him, you could encourage him a little.
He may not say anything
all summer, and then I'll be gone.
If it comes up.
C.D.
Thanks.
I know I'm forward.
You know, you were really great
the other night.
It's the first time I've ever
seen anyone actually be brave.
I've been a lot braver since then.
This time I want you to do it, Dave.
I want you to cut the thing off!
I'm tired of having a magnificent,
fabulous, interesting nose.
I want a cute little pert,
little petite, little button nose.
- Give me the American beauty, Dave.
- C.D., you know I can't.
Yes, you can, Dave. You can do it.
Get the knife. Cut me, Dave. Cut it.
I can't.
Allergies to anesthetics
are very, very dangerous.
You know that.
You've been in comas before.
We'll do it the old-fashioned way.
Don't be stupid.
- I wanna look like Diana Ross.
- What you want is psychotherapy.
I can hear it now.
"Get used to it.
Eighty-five dollars, please."
Look, C.D., have you ever thought...
...that you were born with this nose
for a reason?
Oh, yeah.
Like opening Coke bottles.
Oh, shit.
Hey, Dave, could I look at
those nose cards one more time?
Yeah, sure.
Thanks, Dave.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Where's that one?
Hello, darling.
Haven't seen you in a while.
God, she's so beautiful.
I saw her in that bar,
and she's so pretty, I just...
She's interesting too.
Interesting, yeah.
Did you see her legs?
She's got a sense of humor also.
She wants to meet me? You sure?
I can't believe this. This is incredible.
God, my third day here.
Heard she's kind of smart too.
Astrology or something.
- Astronomy, yeah.
- Yeah, right.
God, we're gonna meet. Really?
God.
So, what do I do? What do I do?
So, what do I do?
How do I meet her?
I don't know.
Walk up to her on the street
and say hello?
No.
I'd have to talk to her then.
What are you talking about?
Look, around you guys I can...
I don't know, I can relax.
I can be myself.
I'm funny, huh? You know that.
But I get around women I get...
God, I get a little...
It's not that I don't like women, okay?
But I just get a little nervous,
that's all.
Okay, so get her telephone number
and call her.
Pass.
I'd have to talk to her then for sure.
I wanted to talk to her
the other night real bad...
...but I didn't because that's how
I would've talked to her, bad.
I see. In other words,
every time you meet a woman...
...with a little charm
and style and legs...
...you'll turn around
and run the other direction.
That's a great idea.
In fact, that's brilliant.
Listen, my backhand...
It's a dumb game.
I don't know why we play it.
- Tough game, eh, ladies?
- We're just on our way there.
Chris, you know
what carpe diem is?
- Some kind of fish? Fish bait? What?
- No, no.
It's Latin. It means "seize the day."
It means there may not be a tomorrow,
so do it now.
Seek life now while you're young,
while you've got the chance.
You're telling me
to go after Roxanne, huh?
No, I wouldn't. I'd wait.
Mail her a letter.
Okay, light the thing.
See how you do.
Go.
- I got the matches, come on.
- Chief! C.D., come here.
I got it, come here. Yeah.
- You got it, all right, what?
- How to talk to Roxanne.
You were right.
I'm gonna take a chance.
Here's a girl who likes me.
Why am I afraid of her?
She's no rocket scientist.
Actually, she is a rocket scientist.
Yeah, well.
But out of all the guys
in this town, she likes me.
So, what am I afraid of? Nothing.
I'm gonna do what you said.
I'm gonna write her a letter.
I got a way with words.
Ask these guys.
I always crack them up.
You see, this way,
I can plan out what to say.
I can craft it.
In a letter,
I can be effer-goddamn-vescent.
- Chief.
- There you go.
Chief.
We can't get it started.
- I'll be out in a minute.
- Okay.
Andy, your coat's on fire.
Oh, yeah.
So, what do you think?
- He's on fire.
- Get his coat.
- Get his coat off.
- Yeah, I got it.
No, no, not the gasoline.
Not the gasoline.
- Hi, C.D.
- Hi, Cindy.
Can I help you?
Yes, I have a friend
who was looking for a cosmetic...
...or wondering, you know,
if one exists...
...that's sort of a shading
type of an arrangement.
Do you have anything like that
that would be in a shading area?
Well, we have lots
of blushes and things.
Well, what specifically is it for?
She has this feature
that she would like to...
...you know, de-emphasize.
I see,
she's got this extra-large feature...
...and she wants something
to make it look a little smaller?
Exactly.
Well, I think a dark contour
would be fine.
Great, great.
Now, how would she go about...
...you know, applying this thing on?
Well, she would...
She would just shade
the area of the feature...
...to make it appear that
there were more shadows...
...and less actual...
Well, less actual acreage.
I mean, area.
I'll take it. I'll take it.
Okay, I'll get a fresh one
from the back.
- Thanks.
- Hi, Charlie.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, hi. I talked to Chris for you.
Great.
Do you think he's gonna call me
or something?
He wants to write you a letter.
A letter?
Isn't that usually what you get
at the end of a relationship?
No, actually, it's really romantic,
you know, when you think about it.
I'll explain it to you outside
if you want.
- C.D., here's your blush.
- Great.
Could you gift-wrap that
for me, please?
Oh, okay.
Oh, and these items,
I've decided against.
Okay.
- Got a girlfriend?
- Oh, no, no.
- It's for my sister.
- Oh, you have a sister?
No. It's for my sister's girlfriend.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Chris.
Oh, no, I'm not doing anything.
No, I was just...
I was just making some eggs.
Yeah, sure, come on over.
Okay, bye.
You should read the letter
before I send it.
Great, great.
Okay, we'll take a look at it.
Just one second. Perfect.
- It's quite an operation you have here.
- Why, thank you.
Okay, okay, okay.
Let's take a look at that letter.
I think it's really good.
"Dear Roxanne, how's it going?
Want to have a drink sometime?
If you do, check this box."
Well?
- How long did you work on this?
- Well, today, you know, since noon.
Noon.
Chris, that's a very long time.
- You can't send her this.
- What do you mean?
Here's what we're gonna do.
It's a good concept.
But for her,
it's gotta be more interesting.
- I worked hard on that.
- Take a pen.
Take a pen and sit down.
Just let me ask you a question.
How do you feel about her?
Me? About her?
Yeah, how did you feel
when you first saw her?
Horny.
Okay, okay.
But you can't say, "I felt horny."
You have to change it a little.
You have to say, "I felt moved.
Alive.
On fire."
- That's beautiful.
- Okay, now.
How did you feel
when you first spoke to her?
Like a dickhead.
No, you can't write,
"I felt like a dickhead."
You have to say, you know:
"I felt like a child
standing in the sun for the first time...
...feeling only your radiance."
Radiance.
I like that. I'm gonna underline that.
Okay, now, what did you do
after you saw her?
I puked.
"After seeing you,
my only nourishment was you."
- C.D., you write the letter.
- You're doing good, you do it.
You know how to say what I feel.
You write it and I'll sign it.
- No, no, no, that's...
- What?
That's dangerous. That's lying.
Not if you write what I feel.
Look, I'll just sign my name...
...and you write to Roxanne
what you imagine I'm feeling.
It will work.
What I would imagine
you're feeling?
It's practically half-written already.
No, you'd have to change that.
That's just, you know, poetic baloney.
- This is beautiful.
- No, no.
For Roxanne,
you need something startling.
Something so strange...
...that it would make her
incapable of being reasonable.
- Think you can do it?
- It would be an interesting challenge.
- You need a good pen.
- Get your favorite pen.
These are good, these are good.
These are good. All right.
And some good paper.
A quality that really takes the ink.
- Oh, the food.
- I'm taking care of that.
- Okay.
- You just take your time and...
Come on, come on, boys.
Get in there, line up. Line up.
Come on, come on.
- Come on, mayor.
- Hi, mayor.
Hello, mayor.
Six and a half minutes.
Now, that's not bad.
- Let's get into our gear.
- Fast.
- Let's get in. Come on, guys.
- Fast!
- Keep going fast.
- Hurry, get in.
Let's go, boys.
It's Operation Snowball, let's go.
Snowball.
- Snowball.
- Snowball.
Take the truck.
Hey, come here.
- Snowball.
- Come on.
Snowball.
- Snowball.
- Kitty, kitty, kitty.
Give me a hand.
Kitty.
Go, go, go.
- What are you doing?
- Ralston.
Tell them what to do.
Snowball.
He's coming.
Oh, Snowball.
- C.D. Hi, C.D.
- C.D.
How are you doing there, chief?
All's well that ends well, right?
Boys? Boys, the ladder's up.
Boys, boys.
Wait, boys. The ladder's up.
The ladder is up, boys.
Wait, wait, wait.
Let me show you a double binary.
Just focus with that thing there.
You'll see it, you'll see it.
I'm on a schedule.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, Roxanne, what's a light-year?
Same as a regular year,
only it has less calories.
What is it?
It's actually two pairs of stars
revolving around each other...
...but they're so far away
they look like one.
What keeps them together?
Mutual attraction.
That's fairly romantic.
Strange attractors in my window
of possible movement.
Say again?
Passionate kisses
I hope you'll read with your lips.
Roxanne.
Sorry.
Just something from a letter I got.
Oh, yeah?
An amazing letter.
- You liked it?
- No, I didn't like it.
- I loved it.
- Really.
- Whose letter?
- Chris.
- He can write?
- I'm melting.
Let me show you
that dumbbell nebula.
There's just something I don't get.
Here's a guy
who dodges me for days.
So I figure he's not interested...
...but C.D. Tells me
he wants to write me a letter...
...and I figure it's gonna be about
why he won't talk to me...
...but it's not.
It was strange and intelligent...
...and sexual.
Hey, wait a minute. Why is he writing?
He only lives a block and a half away.
Charlie.
What do you want me to do?
Ask him out for you?
She wants a date?
- C.D., it's all because of you.
- Hey, come on, people are gonna...
Hey, hey, what's the matter?
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
- She wants to see me tonight?
- Yeah.
I can't see her tonight.
- I'm dying already, and it's only 3:00.
- Hey, just relax.
Relax, you're all right.
Charlie, you gotta help me.
If I talk to her, I'll die.
Okay, okay, here's what we'll do.
I'll give you something to memorize
then you can just say it.
I can't memorize it.
- Of course you can.
- I can't.
No, anyone can memorize it.
Say the "Pledge of Allegiance."
You memorized that?
Come on. I got your hand.
I said...
I pledge allegiance to the flag of...
Which country?
I don't know, I'm nervous.
All right,
we're gonna think of something.
We're gonna think
of something now.
We're gonna think
of something now.
Oh, boy.
- Hi.
- Hi.
No letter this time. Just face to face.
Yeah.
- You wanna sit outside?
- Do I wanna sit outside?
Yes.
Here?
Here on the porch? Yes, yes.
- Great.
- We can sit right here.
Yeah, great.
It's a lovely evening.
Oh, yes.
It is an exquisite evening...
...filled with mysterious portents...
...magic and romance.
Why are you wearing that hat?
Why?
Well, because...
Don't panic, stay calm, stay calm.
Because tonight I am a hunter.
Because tonight, I am a hunter.
Hunting for words.
That's good. That's okay.
That's okay.
Am I your prey?
Yes, but not a defenseless one.
Yes.
But not a defenseless one.
Not a rabbit.
You are a lioness.
Alert and sensitive.
Alert and sensitive...
...to every misstep.
I see.
Get ready to move
a little closer to her.
Therefore, I must move silently.
Moving in toward you.
Reach out your hand.
My hand out reaching to...
Car 3, Car 3. Proceed to the 279.
What?
Do you confirm?
Car 3, do you confirm?
- Confirm what?
- Confirm...
Confirm my feelings.
Confirm my feelings.
Confirm my feelings.
Yes.
Because there is a heart here...
...that wants yours to know...
...that there's a possible
- Proceed to Main.
- What?
Confirm, proceed to Main.
Do you confirm?
You're not a hunter anymore?
Not a hunter?
No.
I mean, yeah.
It's...
It's really nice out, isn't it?
It's really, really, really...
What's the word I'm looking for?
Nice. Nice out.
Yeah, nice, that's it.
So now you're the weatherman?
I loved your letter.
It was beautiful.
Where'd you learn to write like that?
The usual places.
It seemed very extemporaneous.
Thank you.
Say something.
Something wonderful,
like in your letter.
- Well, let's see...
- You can tell me about the night.
- The night is very extemporaneous.
- What?
This is wild.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- The night is wild.
- Wild.
Like love can be wild.
Love is wild.
Wild and extemporaneous.
Yes.
Say something romantic.
Romantic.
Why do birds suddenly appear
every time you are near?
Isnt that from a song?
Well, they made it into a song.
You wrote the song?
No.
But I like that song. I like it.
You use your own words.
You...
You have a great body.
Your knockers...
Not your knockers, your breasts.
Your breasts are like melons.
Not melons. Like pillows.
Could l...?
Can I fluff your pillows, maybe?
- I have to go in now.
- Wait.
- June '85.
- What?
Weren't you
the Playmate of the Month? June '85?
Shit.
"Can I fluff your pillows?"
Okay, I got flustered. I panicked.
You gotta help me. She wanted me.
- It was working.
- I don't think I could after that.
Look, she wants somebody
that looks like me and talks like you.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
- Forget it.
- No, hey, hey, come here. Come here.
- No, come here. Come on.
- Don't do it. Don't make me do it now.
Oh, no.
You stand here, under the window.
I'll be there out of sight.
I'll whisper to you what to say.
Wait, wait, wait.
- What if she hears you?
- Hey, just go. Go.
Roxanne.
No, here.
Use this.
Could you go easy
for once in your life?
Goddamn it. What in the hell
do you think you're doing?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Hold on.
Listen to me. I got a lot to say.
- I wanna say...
- Go away.
Roxanne, wait, wait.
I just wanna tell you that...
Tell me what? That I'm really built?
No, nothing like...
- What do I say?
- You were an idiot.
- I was an idiot, Roxanne.
- You bet you were.
Roxanne, wait. Come here.
- L...
- Wait, stop.
L... C.D., help me.
I wanna say that I was...
Yeah, I was an idiot, and you're right.
I was really...
Happy? Dizzy?
Oh, thirsty, thirsty.
This is stupid.
Stupid, stupid.
Yeah, I was stupid.
And I was also...
Tripping, tripping?
Bumbling.
I was a stupid, bumbling pointer.
- Pointer?
- No, no.
Stupid, I mean, stupid ass. Yeah.
So why'd you say those things?
Why'd I say those things?
Tell her you were afraid.
- Because I was afraid.
- Of me?
What do you mean, afraid?
You were afraid of what?
Tell her you were afraid of words.
What, what, what?
Words.
Because I was afraid of worms,
Roxanne, worms.
Worms?
- What are you saying to me?
- Come here, come.
Worm? Worm?
Did I say worms?
I meant words, Roxanne.
This is too hard. Give me your coat.
Words, words. They're all used up.
They're hard to say.
All been wasted... Give it to me.
- On the shampoo commercials,
and the ads, and the flavorings.
All those beautiful words, I mean,
how can you love a floor wax?
What?
How can you love a diaper?
How can I use
the same word about you...
...that someone else uses
about a stuffing?
I'm exploding with love for you,
and I can't use the word.
I can't hear you.
It's because my words have to rise up
and they're having trouble finding you.
You're not having trouble
hearing me.
Well, your voice floats down.
But be careful.
One hard word from you
at that height kills me.
Give me your hat, give me your hat.
Oh, shut up.
Your voice sounds different.
Of course it's different.
I don't have to be careful anymore.
I'm protected by the night.
I can be myself, Roxanne.
- Oh, God, your name is like a knife.
- Shit.
- Stand where I can see you.
- No.
Why?
My voice, only my voice.
You don't need to see me.
Just listen to me.
I know I only have a minute here
to talk to you.
And I was just wondering
if what I wrote to you touched you.
It did.
It was eloquent.
Oh, no, not eloquent, just honest.
See, I am in orbit around you.
I'm suspended, weightless over you,
like the blue man in the Chagall...
...just hovering, hanging over you
in a delirious kiss.
Yesterday on the street,
I swore I heard your name.
I swore I heard someone say it.
And I turned,
and there was nobody there.
Just five birds rising off the ground.
And when their wings hit the air,
I heard your name again.
Just for that second,
I was one of them.
Pounding out your name, Roxanne.
Roxanne.
A word of two syllables
locked inside my head.
You see...
I am, and I will always be...
...the one who loved you
without limits.
What are you talking about?
It's too much.
Go on.
It's working. Go on, go on.
This is my whole life right now...
...standing here,
talking to you like this...
...saying things I've wanted to say
but couldn't.
Why couldn't you talk to me?
Because I was afraid
of having you laugh at me.
- That's so silly.
- No. No, no, not if you knew.
When you're reaching for a star,
there's a long way to fall.
I almost never let
this moment happen.
And now I feel sorry for people
for whom it never comes.
I love you.
I have breathed you in,
and I am suffocating.
I am crazy. I can't go on.
This is all too much.
I'm starting to feel a little dizzy.
And I'm starting
to feel a little drunk...
...because I have made you
tremble up there.
And you are trembling, aren't you?
Like a leaf on a tree.
- I wanna make love to you.
- Shut up, Chris.
What?
I was telling myself to shut up,
because this time, I've gone too far.
I'll tell you when you've gone too far.
She wants us.
Lookit, C.D., it's okay.
Sooner or later, you can do it.
Come on, come on.
Come on, C.D., do it, do it.
Roxanne,
don't think I don't know you.
Don't think
I haven't felt you beneath me.
And I know you've imagined it.
You have, haven't you?
Lying back into your bed with me.
I have.
There will never be
another tonight, Roxanne.
Why should we sip from a teacup
when we can drink from the river?
There's a tiny word.
It's not a noun, it's not a verb,
it's not an adjective.
I don't know what it is.
But if you said it to me tonight,
all this blackness would go away.
You and I would be connected
by a tunnel of light.
What is the word, Chris?
Yes.
Yes, Roxanne.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, Chris.
Yes.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Great. We did it, we did it.
C.D.
C.D., we were great.
I think I'm in love.
Oh, God, I did it.
Oh, shit, I did it.
Oh, God.
- Hey, it's two minutes to Dallas.
- Yeah.
Oh, C.D.
- Are you all right?
- Oh, C.D.
Are you all right?
Did you hurt yourself?
- Where am I?
- You're in Nelson.
Nelson?
Why, I'm home.
They brought me home. Bye.
- What day is it?
- Friday.
- Dallas is on.
- Friday?
Then it took no time.
It didn't exist in time.
- What?
- The spacecraft.
I was walking along. A spacecraft
landed right in front of me.
- Tell us.
- I read about this in the Enquirer.
- Did it have lights on it?
- Lights?
You never saw so many lights.
It was like Broadway.
Then this door opened.
A creature came out,
had big suckers on his palms.
He walked like this:
Then he took his palms,
put them right on my face.
Took me over to Roxanne's house.
He said they wanted to observe me.
- At Roxanne's house?
- That's where they are right now.
This is bullshit. We'll miss Dallas.
- Come on, girls, let's go.
- Okay.
- You think I'm nuts, don't you?
- No.
They wanted to ask me
about older women.
- Why?
- They wanted to have sex with them.
- Where?
- Here, here, right here in Nelson.
They wanted
to start a colony of supermen...
...who would have sex with older
women, because they said, I quote:
"They really know
what they're doing."
- We do?
- It's been so long.
Oh, girls, girls, do you actually believe
there are creatures from outer space...
...who wanna have sex
with older women?
- Let's go and check it out.
- Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Roxanne! Roxanne, help. Roxanne.
Testing.
Come on.
Hello.
Testing, testing.
God, I was nervous last night.
Uncomfortable, I don't know.
Believe me, I didn't say anything.
I'm just... I'm too dumb,
I mean, I'm too smart for that.
Yeah.
What do you mean, nervous?
How nervous?
I was real nervous. Yeah, nervous.
Real nervous?
Can I ask you
to stop the noise, please?
You mean, you know,
so nervous that you couldn't...
Hey, C.D.
Yeah, come on, you know,
it's embarrassing enough.
Yeah.
Okay, look,
I couldn't do it a third time.
Hello, this is the moment
we've all been waiting for.
Let Oktoberfest begin.
This town.
You can't get anything going.
Shit. I'm sorry.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Looks nice.
- C.D. In?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
C.D.?
- Yeah? Here.
- C.D.
- I'm catching a plane in 20 minutes.
- Why?
I got a call from the university.
I was right about the comet.
Oh, God, that's fantastic.
I wanted to tell you first.
You're the one person
who could appreciate it.
- Congratulations, that's great.
- Thanks.
You're famous.
- Is Chris around?
- Oh, no, I haven't seen him.
Well, maybe you can tell him
where I am.
I'm gonna be gone about a week.
- Here's my address.
- Okay.
- Ask him to write me.
- All right.
- And tell him to knock me over, okay?
- Yeah.
I was walking on air.
Now I'm walking on feathers
on pillows on air.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Beer?
- Yeah.
- Draft?
- Yeah, a little bit.
It's okay. I'll just...
I can put on my sweater if I get...
That's really funny.
You can get so many guys in here
with no sense of humor.
No sense of humor at all.
I think a sense of humor's
really important, don't you?
Yeah, I think it's real important.
Okay.
One hand of low-ball for your drink.
What's low-ball?
You try and get the worst hand.
Okay, a low-ball for a highball.
You're a riot.
You could be a dealer in Vegas.
I know.
I went to Tahoe with a girlfriend.
- We're moving there in three days.
- Oh, yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
See, they like
young cocktail waitresses there...
...and you can make big money.
I heard one girl got a $10,000 tip
from a gambler that got lucky.
- Ten grand?
- Ten grand.
That'd be nice.
Then when I'm older,
I'll probably move to Reno...
...where they
like older cocktail waitresses.
Besides, it's only 60 miles away.
What do you got?
I got a nine, a seven, a five,
a three and a deuce.
That's the worst hand I ever saw.
You win.
Oh, okay.
- Where you from?
- Albuquerque.
A-L-B-U-Q-U-E-R-Q-U-E.
It's an old bar bet.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Know where I really wanna go?
- Where?
- San Francisco.
- I've been there.
- You've been there? Really?
- Yeah.
- What's it like?
- Oh, it's great.
- I'm really a 49ers fan.
- Yeah?
Not so much the Giants, though.
I just...
And the redwoods,
oh, you should see them.
I just like to go there and just be.
I always take, like, a meat sandwich
with me when I go.
I think it's so great you've traveled.
- You're really interesting.
- I try to be.
When one person
finds another person interesting...
...then they become interesting
to that person.
You see Roxanne, don't you?
Well, you know, kind of, but not...
- Yeah, I better quit talking to you.
- No. No.
- She's kind of a friend of mine.
- We can talk.
That's no problem.
Okay.
Next you're gonna tell
you've been to New York.
- Been to New York.
- Jeez, I was just kidding.
- And you really have?
- Yeah.
God.
My name's Chris.
I know.
I'm Sandy.
- It's good to meet you.
- Thanks.
There we go. Yeah.
Come on.
Yeah, here we go.
Yeah.
You love the little birdies so much,
you give them this to perch on.
All right.
- Hi, C.D.
- How are you doing?
- Good. How are you?
- Fine.
- See you.
- Bye, C.D.
- Hi, C.D.
- Hey, hi.
- How you doing?
- Good, good.
Hey, chief.
Thanks for the help, ladies.
- What's up?
- Oh, fine.
I mean, nothing.
Nothing is up.
- Want anything to drink?
- Yeah.
But if I ask for another one,
give it to me.
Ralston, could you bring us
a bottle of wine, please?
Yeah.
All right.
What can you sit on, sleep on
and brush your teeth with?
It's a riddle.
What can you sit on, sleep on
and brush your teeth with?
I don't know.
A chair, a bed and a toothbrush.
Your wine, right here.
- Chief.
- Thanks.
Thanks.
What's the point?
The point is that sometimes,
the answer is so obvious...
...that you don't see it.
It's as plain
as the nose on your face.
You should tell her.
Tell who what?
Tell Roxanne that you love her.
- Actually, I already told her.
- You did?
Last week I made love to her.
Well, great, great.
It wasn't actually me.
It was just sort of me.
But I was the one
who said all the right things...
...and I made her feel the right way.
And, you know,
it just wasn't the actual me...
...who did the honors.
Well...
This is the deadest place
I've ever seen.
Hey, Dixie, have you been serving
that tripe quiche again?
How come you're not wearing fur?
I thought you were off.
Chris asked me to stand in.
Roxanne called.
She's coming to town.
He picked her up around 6:30.
- I've got tell him about the letters.
- Charlie.
C.D., C.D.
- Not now, not now.
- C.D.
- I don't know what that was.
- Yeah.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Andy, how you doing?
- What's with C.D.?
- I don't know, he's acting strange.
Are you hungry?
- Why don't we order some food?
- I just had a pot of spaghetti.
- I want a cheeseburger.
- Okay, cheeseburger, spaghetti...
Coming.
- Just a sec, I'll be right back.
- Okay.
God, I hate this.
- Chris, Chris.
- What are you doing here?
- There's no one there.
- She's coming, get out, get out.
- What?
- There was no one there.
What is going on?
No, I'll get it, I'll get it. Okay.
All right, all right.
Hey, Chris, Chris.
C.D.
Probably just kids.
- Oh, God.
- Damn kids nowadays.
So you know
why I came back early?
Oh, God,
there goes that doorbell again.
- There's no doorbell.
- I heard it, you should answer it.
Wait, wait, there it goes again.
I heard it.
- Chris.
- Probably some kids.
Come on, I'll get it, then.
- You...
- Chris, there was no doorbell.
Don't worry, okay?
I'll take care of all this.
Why me?
There it was again.
Don't be surprised
if she mentions letters.
- What?
- You wrote her a few letters.
I did?
- How many?
- Three a day.
Three a day.
She's been gone six days.
Six times three is 18.
- Well, 20.
- Twenty?
Or so. Yeah.
Shit.
Nobody there.
- Chris?
- Yes?
- Do you know why I came back early?
- Well...
Every day, every hour,
you sent me something new.
I couldn't stand it anymore.
I had to see you.
Oh, it was just letters.
Twenty or so.
Think of what you wrote.
Well, I'm trying.
- Wait, I wanna know the real you.
- No, not the real me.
The one I spoke to that night
at the window.
This is the real me.
You know, good old Chris.
I like hanging out. I like mixing it up,
you know, lifting weights.
I'm into my body.
Chris, you don't have
to do that with me.
I know you from your letters.
That's the person I'm in love with.
Couldn't I just be cute,
couldn't I, huh?
Oh, Chris, don't you see?
- It wouldn't matter if you were ugly.
- No.
I want you to teach me
what you know.
- I can play the guitar a little.
- I wanna travel with you.
No, I hate pasta.
- I wanna go to concerts with you.
- We could boogie or what?
- We can talk, Chris. We can just talk.
- Talk?
Roxanne, I'm just...
I'm...
I'm feeling a little...
I'm not feeling good, Roxanne.
I gotta go.
So you coming or not?
Yeah.
- Gonna tell her?
- I can't.
Chris, you have to tell her.
- It isn't nice.
- Yeah.
Look, you got any paper?
I could write her.
I've got a lot of experience at that.
Yeah, I have some paper
in the glove compartment. I'll get it.
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
Jerry.
- Hi, chief.
- Hi, Andy.
- Roxanne called.
- You'll be okay. You'll be okay.
She sounded real weird.
She wants you
to come over right away.
Jerry.
Jerry, you get your rematch.
- He owes me 50 bucks.
- Jerry.
You animal.
You animal.
Come in.
What is it?
Read this.
"Dear Roxanne.
I've met somebody else,
and she's real cute too.
I hope I haven't hurt you,
but I probably did.
It was really great knowing you.
And now,
I'm going to be a dealer in Tahoe.
Yours truley..."
T-R-U-L-E-Y.
"...Chris."
And then I found this along with it
under the door.
Read it. Read it out loud.
"All day long, I think where is she?
What is she doing now?
Occasionally,
I see you on the street...
...and I feel the nerves
in my stomach.
A wave crashing over me."
- It's so him...
- Go on.
"I remember everything about you...
...every move, no matter
how insignificant it might seem.
July 11th, 2:30 in the afternoon.
I...
You changed your hair.
Not that much, but I noticed.
And it was as though
I had looked at the sun too long.
I could close my eyes
and see it again and again.
The way your hair moved,
your walk, your dress...
...everywhere I looked."
It's nice, isn't it?
It has a...
- I feel...
- Finish it.
I did. It just runs out.
You have to turn it over.
"C.D. Wrote this.
Call me. Dixie."
- She...
- I went through all of the other letters.
They're all in the same hand.
It was your voice that night
under the balcony.
Chris didn't write those letters.
You did.
Yeah, yeah.
All this time,
right there in front of me...
...and I couldn't even see you.
You bastard, how could you do that?
How could you trick me like that?
- I was trying to make you feel good.
- You're playing with my emotions.
I wasn't. You could've figured it out.
- So now it's my fault?
- As much as it's mine.
Signatures don't match
the handwriting on the letters.
When you're getting love letters,
you don't compare signatures.
You wanna know why?
You wanted to believe it.
You wanted it all,
all the romance and emotion...
...all wrapped up in a cute little nose
and a cute little ass.
- You even got me in bed.
- Yeah.
What about that? You went
to bed with him, first date.
You seduced me.
I would've never gone to bed...
You still went to bed with him
awfully fast.
A few frilly words
and you're counting ceiling tiles.
I don't even consider
that I went to bed with him.
Somebody was up there,
and it's for goddamn sure it wasn't me.
Well, if it wasn't you, who was it?
Chris couldn't have seduced me.
That's the very point
I was making to Dixie.
You told Dixie?
- I just mentioned...
- You bastard.
Hey.
- You son of a bitch.
- Wait a minute.
You bastard.
How could you have lied?
- How could you?
- I wasn't lying.
I was trying to tell you
how I felt about you.
If you felt that way, you have
a lousy way of telling someone.
Just get out.
- Go on, get out.
- Wait, I am out, you get in.
- No, get out.
- Get in.
Get in, go on. Get off this porch.
- Go on, get off the porch.
- Fine.
Go on.
And don't try throwing my hat at me.
Wanna know what
the rest of the letter said?
It said, "PS, I was only kidding."
Ten more seconds and I'm leaving.
What did you say?
I said 10 more seconds
and I'm leaving.
Wait a minute,
what'd you think I said?
I thought you said
earn more sessions by sleeving.
Well, what the hell does that mean?
I don't know. That's why I came out.
Ten, nine...
...eight, seven...
...si...
- Now, what about Gillian?
- Gillian.
I told her about hot tubbing, I was...
Hey, chief,
Chris came and took all his stuff.
There's a fire somewhere.
- Fire?
- Fire?
- Get into gear.
- All right, let's go.
Come on, you guys, let's go.
This is it?
Oh, no.
- That's where I put Bossy.
- You put Bossy in there?
We got a burner, boys.
Wait.
What I want is two two-and-a-half-inch
lines from the pump to the fire.
Three one-and-a-half-inch lines
from the hydrant to the pump. Go.
If it gets to the station,
the whole town could go.
Move.
Hit it.
I want a water curtain
on both exposures.
Let's go.
- Come on, men.
- Point this way.
Go.
- All right.
- Yeah.
One, two, three.
Yeah, way to go.
All right, yeah.
- We're doing it, C.D.
- Yeah.
- Take it easy, take it easy.
- All right, here we go, here we go.
Coming, Bossy. Let's go, boys.
Hey, Bossy.
You're all real
goddamn firefighters now.
Yeah.
To all us real goddamn firefighters.
Hey, thanks to us, no one got fried.
- Yeah.
- Am I right?
We beat this fire by a nose.
Well said.
Yes.
I wanna see you.
Now a toast. A toast.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
I would like to say
that I would rather be...
...with the people of this town...
Hear.
- Than with the finest people
in the world.
- Yeah.
- Oh, that's right.
What are friends for?
So long.
I would close my eyes
and see you again and again.
Your eyes, your face...
...the way you walk.
Your style, your wit...
...and your nose, Charlie.
It doesn't quite work, does it?
I went inside, and I thought what it was
about Chris that attracted me.
It wasn't the way he looked.
Well, that's not true.
At first, it was the way he looked.
It was how he made me feel.
He made me feel romantic...
...intelligent, feminine.
But it wasn't him doing that to me.
It was you.
All these other men, Charlie,
they've got flat, featureless faces.
No character, no fire, no nose.
Charlie, you have a big nose.
You have a beautiful, great,
big flesh-and-bone nose.
I love your nose.
I love your nose, Charlie.
I love you, Charlie.
Well?
Are you kidding?
It's locked. It's locked.
Oh, thank God I have the key.
By the way, I named the comet.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah,
good old Comet Kowalski.
No, Comet Charlie.
Oh, hey, that's nice.
Yeah, it's my dad's name.
Well, he'll be so happy.