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Running with Demons (2011)
Todd Crandell:
My name is Todd Crandell. I was a drug addict and alcoholic for 13 years of my life. My wife Melissa and I and our four children, live in Sylvania, Ohio; my hometown. Voice Over (Todd Crandell): In 1993 I got a second chance and it changed my life. Now I change others lives. Today I am a licensed professional counselor, a licensed chemical dependency counselor and have an MAC; Master of Counseling degree. I am the founder of Racing for Recovery, a nonprofit dedicated to helping others with their drug and alcohol dependency and recovery. But because of the support from the people here... Crandell: I am also an extreme triathlete and use endurance races like the Ironman and now the Ultraman triathlon to spread my message that with sobriety, anything is possible. Everything I do, I do for my family and Racing for Recovery. But theres something I haven't recovered from, battles I am still fighting. This is my struggle, this is my life, this is my story. I am running with demons. Ominous noises and hard rock start up... Male Speaker: We have the man who is going to be the next to finish. The man who has shown that with sobriety anything is possible. He became sober April 15th 1993; he's been Racing for Recovery to help other people with drug and alcohol problems. Here he is coming on the homestretch, he s done the world championships; he did that last year. Its going to be 42 year old Todd Crandell out of Sylvania, Ohio and a tremendous job. 18 Ironman to his credit including Ironman Canada in the year 2000 he s racing away to the way to the 32 oh 3, 33 tops in there. He's married with four children might be very proud to of this stuff as well 10:30 on day one, 11:12 yesterday To Todd Crandell, congratulations went from addict to Ironman. That was a very great title as well and the film for now Running with Demons and we certainly appreciate the fact that already this year he's done Ironman Germany, Ironman Switzerland and New Orleans 70 point 3. Thanks for coming to Canada Todd Crandell, no doubt he is going to get another tattoo about this one Hard rock music starts and plays over the images... Sounds of water underneath Male Speaker: Good luck to you all. May the wind be at your back, see you at the finish line. Male Speaker: All right. Cheering sounds with clapping Male Speaker: All right you got about 10 minutes to get warmed up everybody. Todd Crandell: This is the part that's like... It s the most nerve-racking of Ironman's anything the start of these things is the most nerve-racking. It'll take me about maybe 20 minutes into the swim before I kind of like, okay Im good nice start going and like I said getting out of the water I'll be like wow I got that done. And then the bike for me is the biggest challenge. I am not a great biker that s the hardest thing for me so the next, the rest of today and then all of tomorrow will be the challenge. And then the run for me that's my thing. Hey thanks, thanks thanks. Thanks! Male Speaker (off Screen): It is time. Todd Crandell: Let's go. Male Speaker: Undecipherable over PA System Speaker: The race has begun. Male Speaker: Yeah he's on his way and Darwin asked me how he was in the last Ultraman. And he's definitely relaxed this time around and a lot less stuff going on and he knows what he s doing. And he knows of his ability so it is... uh he'll be fine it'll be a goodtime out there he s going to have a goodtime and enjoy himself so. Male Speaker: Yeah it's a beautiful morning. Male Speaker: Yeah the water s perfect. And this is the start so. Male Speaker: Yeah. Rock music starts up and runs through montage. Todd Crandell: Everything I am today started from the tragedy of my mom, committing suicide. She battled a drug addiction that wasn't as long as mine but it was intense. She did cocaine, drank, did a lot of psychedelics she was into acid quite a bit. But speed mainly was her thing, speed and heroine. And had overdosed a number of times, had to be brought back to life a couple of times. My mom died from driving herself head on into a brick wall under a bridge, under a bridge overpass. She drove herself head on into it and took her own life. Emotionally, the traumas that we face in our younger lives or even when something happens later on, that's the stuff that affects how we handle it. So looking at the situation I'm in with respect to my marriage right now. In a lot of ways, the anger, the sadness, the worry, all those feelings that I have right now are the same as what I went through as a kid. I don't want to be abandoned, I don't want to feel broken again, I don't, I've experienced that. I don't handle that well and I don't want to go through that again and that's what I'm, feeling right now. It's almost like a test, it's like I'm being thrown back emotionally to three and a half years old and saying you're dealing with this all over again. And this time how are you going to handle it. So I mean having our marriage and I'm thinking back at how I used to handle this stuff with my mom. With anger, you know, suicidal thoughts, depression that's how I know how to deal with these feelings that are coming back into my life again which I thought were gone and here they are again and that's all I'm really equipped to deal with it are those feelings. Now I'm doing everything I can to improve on that but I'm not perfect. So when those issues come up that's where it stems from. And I'm definitely correlating the two because they'e the same feelings; it's just a different timeframe in my life and a different person. It's not like I woke up one day and said - Oh poor me my mom died, I'm going to throw my life down the tube. But it's a catalyst to what eventually led to that self destruction at the highest level. And I was searching for ways to deal with that understand it overcome it and they were all wrong. Then it started to become, well this is my life this is my destiny Im going to end up the way my mom did; this is my job now. Those reasons then started to develop into a way of life which then became... including a full blown addiction. I thought that using drugs and drinking as much alcohol as I could somehow would make me feel better about myself and would take away the emotional traumas that I was dealing with. But that doesn't work, and that's when drugs just became a way for me to not feel and my first thought of the day was I hate myself, I got to get through another day and you start adding, cocaine, heroin, pot, acid, Quaaludes, Valium, speed everything I could get my hands on to that mix and it then becomes, I hate myself, I don't really want to live, and I'm physically strung out on these chemicals I've been putting in my system, for the past few years and I'm physically going through withdrawals right now and I need to get this stuff out of my system. So then it's, who did I lie to last night? Where am I going to get the money to pay for my addiction? Who's lying next to me in the bed? Who did I beat up last night? Where did all this blood come from? Why is my window shattered? Why are the cops knocking on my door? That's what I dealt with everyday. None of that is appealing, it's sad, it's depressing but that was my life because of the choice I made to use drugs period, end of story. No disease, no, poor me I relapsed, I made a choice to use this stuff and I paid the price for it severely on many levels... Male speaker (OS): Over here Todd. Tony (the Director): repeating Todd! Over here... Todd He's gonna beach himself. Hey Todd, you've got to go that way. I didn't want to be a drug addict. I didn't want to lose my friends, my family, but I did. And I was pissed off about it. I really didn't want to live like that, I just didn't: A) know how to not live without drugs and B) I didn't want to deal with the consequences that came along with my using. Because I wanted to figure out a way to either drink successfully. You know how can I do cocaine and how can I do heroine and smoke crack and do crystal meth and drink and be normal? Or how can I do all these things and not end up in jail the next day? Or wake up in a different state, not knowing where I am? So I was looking for ways to be a functional drug addict. which is nonsense, but in my mind I kept thinking, Why does this stuff affect me the way it does? When I watch other people that have a few and they go home, why am I always the crazy one? So I did make several attempts to either be a normal drinker which I really don't know what that is or fix the problem. But I didn't want to put the work into it. I was pulling myself back to my using ways. So when I went to rehab and I spent two weeks in there puking and vomiting crapping myself and laying on the floor sweating and I survived that and had the opportunity to put my life back together and would get out and choose to go back and use drugs again, that was me doing that. I really didn't know any other way to live and I couldn't figure out how to stop using the drugs, so you're kind of stuck in limbo. Male speaker: [indiscernible] Announcements. Male speaker (OS): This is the man who did race in Hawaii last year and there he did four hours and 33 seconds, for the swim. He's going to be around 3:50 here today so he has improved his time as well. And it looks like And it looks like as though... But here we go lets welcome Todd out the 42 year old from Sylvania racing for recovery and races to finish the swim 3:49:55 his time unofficially, So very close now. Bird sounds. Todd Crandell: The turning point or as I'll call it wholeheartedly, my gift from God that said, You don't have to live this way anymore was April 15th of 1993 after getting a third drunk driving charge. I got a gift that said, I don't have to do this anymore and I knew it was over. I walked into an oil change facility, urinated all over the floor, cops came arrested me and I got my... whatever you want to call it. Wake up call, epiphany, life-changing moment however, you want to describe it, I had one and for the first time in my life, I felt that I could be saved from it. I knew that those days were over and that there was a new world out there and I was going to experience it, live it. And I thank God for it every day now. Announcements in BG. Undecipherable Todd Crandell: Yeah but look at these shade, these are sweet, huh. Todd Crandell: Am I going to make the cutoff dude? Todd Crandell: I'm starting now already? Scott Horns: Yeah, you're okay. Yeah you made the swim cutoff, good job. Darwin speaking: That was our first worry. Scott Horns: Yeah. Todd Crandell: Darwin: You have to walk your bike to the tail end of Crandell: Okay. Crandell: Okay. Todd Crandell: Thanks man. Todd: Dude. That's 6.2 miles. Scott Horns: Have fun out there. Female Speaker: Great job. Male Speaker: Todd Crandell: Misc. race sounds, followed by ominous music... Todd: All right boys, let's have some fun now. Todd: Where the hell am I going? Hard rock music plays Heavy Wind sounds. Todd: the reason I do everything that I do is to share a worthwhile message of hope while promoting the organization that I started in 2001 which is Racing for Recovery. How racing for recovery got started was something that totally came out of the blue to me. Again, I think it was divine intervention if you will but I had just finished doing Ironman in New Zealand and our local newspaper ran a story about my life at that point. The newspaper article came out and the response was amazing. With people that I had known from my past as a drug addict, coaches, teachers, even police officers, a ton of people were calling the house all saying the same thing, basically, Oh my God, I can't believe what you're doing today. And I thought, Well, okay, that's nice, I appreciate your positive feedback and your kind words but okay, what can I do with this now? Female Speaker: Can I have a hug? Todd Crandell: Oh yeah. Be good. Nice to see you. Female Speaker: Thank you. Male Speaker: You're the man. Todd Crandell (voice over): I've been a firm believer in, You can't just take what has graciously been given to you and hoard it for yourself. You must give it back and have that influence someone else. So that's where the catalyst or the seed was planted for me to do something that was greater than myself and that's how Racing for Recovery was formed. Scott (co-Trainer): Darwin: So your water is down there in the ugly bottle Todd Crandell: Okay. Dump, you guys gotta douse me with some stuff to cool me down too. Todd feeling Water: Oh man. Co-Trainer: How are you feeling? Todd Crandell: It's hot. I hate it still but I probably shouldn't take them this early. Darwin: You took two so we can take two the next time you stop on one of... Todd Crandell (interrupting): Okay. Todd: Fuck. Okay, I'm good. Darwin: Alright. Todd Crandell: 20 miles, another 70? Todd Crandell: All right. Man it's good. So water and all right whatever. Scott Horns: It's just another gatorade. Flavored. Todd Crandell: Is this it? Darwin Holt: No, not yet. Todd Crandell: Not yet. I'm like damn I must be hallucinating already. Scott Horns: You're hallucinating already. Todd Crandell: All right but were good and everything is good. Scott Horns: Yeah good, keep going man. Tood: Okay. Darwin Holt: No, everything looks great. Todd Crandell: Okay thanks guys. When I started Racing for Recovery I was a proud holder of a bachelor's degree in Business, I was a pharmaceutical sales representative making I think at a time between 60 and 70, thousand dollars a year. I had life insurance and a company car, I was doing what society thinks every husband should be doing. I was married, I had two kids at the time and life was great. And then here comes this concept to give back and do good and really find my calling if you will. Which from a person who had no self esteem whatsoever to starting to grab some of that and actually find a purpose in life, for someone like me it was huge and like everything Racing for Recovery was my life. I poured everything into it, financially, emotionally, it was everything; it was my third child at the time. Fast forward nine years later, it's cost me everything. It's hard it's... I've, I remember when the ESPN thing and I received an email from a lady from the Midwest Kansas or somewhere and she said, You know I saw your story on ESPN don't lose your family over it. And at the time I remember thinking are you crazy, I'm not going to lose my family over this. And I'm on the verge of watching that happen and I I don't want it to happen because I don't want to fail I don't want them to have to explain, God you had everything and you screwed that up too because I screwed everything else up. My marriage is on thin ice; I just struggle with, how did this happen. How do you find you're calling in life and how do you have people that at one day can tell you, You saved my son's life. And then go home and not wonder if your wife and kids are going to be there. You know? To travel the world, be in a hotel room in another country and I can't sleep because I wonder what's going on at home. Battling am I doing the right thing, am I showing my kids that their dad's a good person. Am I sacrificing my family to help someone else and I have. Not intentionally, I didn't intentionally say you know just like I didn't intentionally say I want to grow up and be a drug head I certainly didn't say, yeah I want to start a program that is going to cost me my marriage. So it's not like I'm a guy sitting here going screw it, let her walk out. I'm not doing that, I'm going, I'm sorry and what can I do? And everything I'm doing isn't working. Darwin Holt: Going at about 9K and then you're coming back. Scott Horns: Slow down. Darwin Holt: Then you're... Then you're coming back 9K. Todd Crandell: Okay. Darwin Holt: So think 20K. So you're going up. Todd: Okay Todd Crandell: So well be like miles seven. Darwin Holt: No don't. Shh, shh. Then you got a climb of about, I'm going to tell it's a half an hour so you take your time to make sure you take half an hour to get up it. And then you got it downhill to the finish. Todd Crandell: Okay that's it. Darwin Holt: That's rights so you only have one Todd: Okay Darwin Holt: We're getting ready for tomorrow. Todd Crandell: So take your time now. Darwin Holt: Right no, no relax... Todd Crandell: Okay I'm taking a leak I want some. Scott Horns: What do you want, what do you want? Todd Crandell: I'll take some an Endurolyte. Scott Horns: Okay. Todd Crandell: Some V8 and ensure. Scott Horns: Okay all right let's get it. Todd Crandell: And I got to take a quick break Tony: Director Tony Armer: That's fine. Hey Todd sent Melissa a text she said awesome and to tell you that you're family loves you. Darwin Holt: Well see he's getting tired and he's starting to fight it and so what we're really trying to do now is we're trying to get give him permission to back things off and get fuelled up for tomorrow. Right now he's thinking that he needs to keep going hard. He's trying to find some flow but he's trying to find flow at too high a pace. So we're just trying to mentally give him the... what is the the word I'm looking for. Scott Horns: He said he's tired I thought he meant physically and then he mentioned again and then he said mentally. He said physically he's fine. I'm like oh. Darwin Holt: Yeah, well he's just fighting it right. Scott Horns: Yeah. Darwin Holt: So we're just trying to give him an out and the out simply is that he's going to ease off a little bit and get fuelled up. Tony: And this is only like day one I mean. Darwin Holt: Day one yeah the problem though, this part of day one is the fact that in the back of my mind in the back of his mind he still has all of day two and all of day three. And that's always there until it's over with and so you always worry about day two and day three until day two is over with. And it's a big, big package still and he isn't through enough of it mentally to see the end. I'm going to tell you take it easy on the down is you're not going to make up any time by being silly okay. Todd Crandell: Suppose we can use it. Darwin Holt: Second thing is I want you to drink lots of that on the down hills whenever you can when you're not breaking. Todd Crandell: Okay. Darwin Holt: We got a car behind you... Darwin's Voice OS: Great first day. Sounds of a bike spinning followed by outdoor sounds Cheering can be heard... Male Speaker on PA system: This is Todd Crandell, 43 years old from Sylvania Ohio Racing for Recovery superstar... 10 hours, 50 minutes and about 10 seconds and a reminder in Hawaii when he completed Day one last year he did 11 hours 1 minute 49 seconds. Scott Horns: Wow. Male Speaker: So with he is thirty one and a half minutes up on the time in Hawaii last year on the end of day one. This is the man whose done 18 Ironman triathlons in his career including this year he's already competed in Germany and Switzerland. So our congratulations, he is the CEO of Racing for Recovery. For those people who are looking for sobriety. Todd Crandell: Hi there kiddo Female Speaker: Good job buddy. Todd Crandell: I'm worried about tomorrow. Female Speaker: You'll be fine just get lots of salt in Todd Crandell: I mean is this... is day two harder than it is in Hawaii? Todd Crandell: Thank God. Todd Crandell: Yeah, all right I'm tired I just did those two Ironmans a couple of weeks ago man and Female Speaker: Yep. Todd Crandell: I'm feeling it. Todd Crandell: Yep see you in the morning. Todd Crandell: All right thanks. rock song ends, birds chirp Today is then, it's going to be all right today. Male Speaker: Yeah, yeah. Todd Crandell: It did in Hawaii so. Male Speaker: Doing good today I mean. Todd Crandell: Yeah I ate and peeing and you know? Male Speaker: Yeah I got it. Tony Armer: What do you think you're time will be today? What's your time goal today? Todd Crandell: Under 12. Scott Horns: 12 hrs. Male Speaker: Oh wow. Todd Crandell: 12 Yeah. Under 12 yeah... but no I think I did Hawaii's in under 11. I didn't do an 11 any day. Scott Horns: Yeah it was like high tens I think... Todd: yeah. Todd Crandell: And this is supposedly should be less strenuous than that so probably under 11. Scott Horns: Yeah. Todd Crandell: As long it's under the 12 hour cut off that good but I don't want to be out there 12 hours. No. Scott Horns: Worst case, you're still done by six though because you got a nice hour of cooler weather so. Todd Crandell: That's true. Yeah starting an hour earlier is actually good. Scott: You get back to the room, cool down everything Todd Crandell: When I get done today I'm going I get done today I'm going to rattle off 20 pushups. My buddy goes, When you get done with that jump up and go, that was nothing and start doing some pushups. He ain't all there. Tony (OS): And neither are you. Todd Crandell: Of course neither am I right? Todd: Good point. Announcer: Allright everyone. How about a big hand everyone for the athletes. the athletes. Announcer: Okay we're going to do a countdown; I don't have the horn so it's going to be a countdown and I'll tell you to go. All right every one ready? Five, four, three, two, one away we go thanks very much have a good day out there. Rock Music plays Rock Music plays Still music - no dialogue. Music winds down... Music winds down... Cheering, encouragement. Music still playing. Music still playing. Todd Crandell: Again just as I take full responsibility for the choices I made during my 13 years as a drug user and the consequences that I paid for those, I'll take full responsibility for the choices I've made to pursue Racing for Recovery to the highest level of what that's cost my family. I didn't intentionally do this, I'm not that stupid but I have a hard time of letting my passion and my desires getting in the way of other ...other people. I mean I don't want to lose them. But to... I ah, I don't know that's the battle. I think that I - whatever I've got to say what I've got to say. [ think I deserve some happiness and this stuff too. I know it's not all about me, but it's like, Man, I know what it's like to... be a drug rep and to not have the confidence to walk in and stand in front of doctors and nurses knowing that I'm not good enough and I have to act like I am. But knowing that I was making good money or whatever good money is that's all relative, you know and having my wife be pleased with that, but I lost my self in the process and when you start to battle... you know... suicidal thoughts in a sober environment. battle... you know... suicidal thoughts in a sober environment. You're not really living what sobriety is supposed to bring. So I do not want to go back to an environment or a lifestyle that really isn't my best interest, because I feel that I have to be at my best in order to be the best for my family and the people that I'm trying to help. However, I just don't want to be criticized and condemned any more for what's in my heart and what I believe in Because the down side of it is brutal. I mean how do you overcome something that's kind of rough. I'm not saying surviving a drug addiction is the greatest accomplishment in the world because it's not. There are many other tragedies out there. But I set myself back and put myself in a big hole. And I got out with the help of a lot of people, and I just didn't think that I have to pay the price like this, with a family for trying to do some good. I bet I struggle with that everyday man like, why does it have to be so rough? The past four years have been really difficult for Melissa and I. And I'll take part for my part of it, but I didn't intend for any of this to happen, no, again that's it I didn't intend for it to happen, I don't know what to do Music plays Music plays Music plays I'm tired of being a failure man, I've been a failure my whole life... and... I'm failing at this too, but I guess I did it to myself. I'm failing at this too, but I guess I did it to myself. But what you do, you know, I quit doing this now go back and being a drug rep and then I'll always have the question, What if? You know what if I did that last speaking engagement, what if I met the right person they helped Racing for Recovery get to the next level and I missed it. Although I keep pushing, watch my family walk out the door, worry about what divorce is going to do for us, the kids. Listen to my oldest daughter at times, say she might think that it's better, hey what have I done? Music plays - a song called Falling apart Tony: Mellissa says good job wants to know how you're doing. Scott continued: don't worry about that you're doing great on time just keep pulling away. You can't burn - your meltdown already. Scott Horns: It's not, it's just this stretch, and there's going to be some other stretches but you got also a lot of down hills to speed up to, alright? Just keep plugging away the climbers just look around too Music plays Music plays Music plays Music plays Music plays Todd Crandell: I'm just fried man... Todd Crandell: I'm not... I'm worried I'm close to cut off... Darwin Holt: No you're just fine. Scott Horns: Don't worry about it okay. Darwin Holt: You see what happens when you're annoyed don't worry you're doing fine. He's going through a bit of the patch right now and we're going to stay with him pretty close here and we're going to kind of try to keep him wet and cool and we're going to try and get him out of it. He's got another six, seven K of this climb. Are you concerned he says four miles an hour, he's concerned, are you concerned at all? I mean of course you'll never let him know. Darwin Holt: No I'm not, no, he's fine time wise, it's a long day yet. The only concern that we have right now is that he's starting to get ahead of himself and worry about that. And it's so early to be honest, he's still got another seven hours of bike. So we've got to get him off of that, we've got to get him thinking that things are fine and that he's putting in the effort that's required to get him under that cut off and then we're going to get there. But it's just a patch it's related to the terrain it's hot, starting to heat up, it's a little bit windy so, we'll get him... Scott Horns: He sees this slow pace and he thinks thinks, I'm going to do this for the next five or seven hours, I'm not going to get anywhere, says, No. (he is interrupted) Dave Barrett: You're not concerned at all about this? Scott Horns: No, not at all, it's like you're going to go downhill, one kilometer here and he'll be fine so. No time wise we're good. Todd Crandell: I don't know man, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, that's just the reality of this stuff man, it's brutal. I just don't know what to do, but if you know I... I know... I just don't know what to do, but if you know I... I know... went through that addiction and I'll say it now, I'm not trying to be weird or anything but I know God gave me that that clarity to say enough, to do what I'm doing today Darwin Holt: All right: Okay. Todd Crandell: I kind of burned myself getting here so just give me a minute. Scott Horns: You're a rock star, you earned it, all right. Darwin Holt: Took eight and a half hours to get that out of you. Todd Crandell: Right, that's not bad, for me that's not bad. Darwin Holt: Eight okay well. Todd Crandell: You know that's better than afterwards saying, I knew you could do it, you know. Darwin Holt: Well, I'm going to tell you that after anyways, so, right? But, I don't want you coasting the rest of the race so don't misunderstand me. Scott Horns: Go on before I start thinking about tomorrow. Todd Crandell: Yeah I'm trying to just conserve a little bit. Darwin Holt: Hydrate, hydrate, no, you're a little bit of that, but hydrate. Scott Horns yellling: Drink some water. Todd Crandell: Drink some water? Scott Horns: For now yeah and your [Indiscernible] I keep yelling one thing. Dave Barrett: Are you in good spirits? Scott Horns: Yeah definitely. Helicopter sounds Darwin Holt: Now this is the difference between iron man and ultra man right now, day two, this is the stretch, so he's got to keep his head down and he's got to go steady and strong and he's got 60 miles of riding like that before he's going to really have a break, so it's serious time now. Male speaker: Go, go, go. Dave Barrett: How are you feeling right about now? Todd Crandell: I'm tired man. Dave Barrett: Yeah? Todd Crandell: Yeah. Dave Barrett: Home stretch though. Todd Crandell: Yeah. Just I'll get there. Dave Barrett: Yeah man, you will, you're superman. Tony: When you were 10 years old did you ever think you'd be doing this? Todd Crandell: No when I was 10 years old I didn't think I was going to see 12. My dad never thought I'd see 16. Yeah this is unbelievable man. Think of that from the shit you saw me doing before this, come on, unbelievable. Tony: Remember when we used to hit the gym and work out, I'll be like, I'm going for a run later. You'd be like, There's no fucking way I'd run, I hate to run. Todd Crandell: Really? Tony: Oh yeah, like I won't run around the block. You're running 52 miles tomorrow? Todd Crandell: Yes sir, with a purpose. Hey this is good you guys just hanging like this man. Undecipherable... Wind sounds... and bike sounds... Wind sounds... and bike sounds... Tony: Okay, you're looking good. Todd: these fucking hills Announcer: Let's give these guys a big hand as they hit the home stretch... of day two. Announcer: Here comes Todd Crandell from Pennsylvania... Clapping. Here they are in 18th and 19th positions... Congratulations guys. Great Job. Thank you everyone, we appreciate it... Todd Crandell: Man... Thank God. Male Speaker: Good job buddy. Todd: That's awesome. Todd: Good job guys. Unbelievable. 172! (Tony OS): sorry, wow, that's incredible... Scott: good Job. Todd: It's crazy... thanks man. Scott: you did awesome... I got it in penguin mode. Todd: I'll break that sucker... Todd: Oh, Man. Am I losing some weight... Scott: You better be. Todd: I'm still fat. Getting ready to take an icebath? Todd: Oh dude... oh yeah. Nice ice bath and some food... hopefully I can be asleep within an hour again. See this is... She's happy. You know, she doesn't believe me that I'm not gonna do it again. It's... It's the same parallel when I was telling people... and they were right. I mean I'd said for years I'm gonna quit doing drugs, I'm gonna quit doing drugs, yeah right. Yeah, right. I finally just stopped - I didn't tell anybody - I didn't care. I gotta quit saying I'm gonna quit. Just, I'm done. I don't need... that's part of what this is about. That whole... you know. Ying and Yang. Or Good and Bad. Running With Demons... but I've answered mine. ya know? I don't know. Just don't need to do it. Todd: A break. I just wanna hang with my kids... be a dad. And be normal. Whatever that is for me, but... Todd: right. Tomorrow will be fun. Tomorrow's a good time. We're together the whole day we could talk and laugh be cool... Scott Reus speaking: Todd Crandell: All of it. I'm a horrible biker. We have no hills like that anywhere in my town; not even close. It's dead flat. We're on that... and those things were brutal man. That climb... where I did where you guys were filming that thing I'm like man I mean that was a killer. Scott Reus speaking: Todd Crandell: Well I didn't think I could make it because I thought that the last climb out was going to be worse than the climb getting there and I just thought I don't have enough time. But that wasn't the case thank God. Because I'm just so happy I can make it. But it was good. What do you guys think of it? What do you guys think watching that? Scott Reus speaking: Todd Crandell: Right I wondered that. I'm like these guys are just going to think this is the stupidest thing ever. Scott Reus speaking: Todd Crandell: It's in the mind it really is. Scott Reus speaking: Todd Crandell: It's a total mind screw; Ya know. totally. And it for me. I can't handle the negative side of it anymore. That overrides - that I know that the good is coming it is not I just can't do it anymore. Scott Reus speaking: Todd Crandell: Just because what you said it's insane and nobody does it. But see I did Ironman for that reason then people started doing Ironman. So I said well then I'll do the Ultra man. And then I started saying, Well I'll do two Ironman's in a week and do an Ultra man three weeks later because hopefully that I'll just like set myself way apart. But then I get back to this and it's like what difference does it make no one cares anyways so why do I? I don't care. Ya know? So that's it. Scott Reus speaking: Todd Crandell: my wife. She just said and why is this time different? She doesn't believe me. Scott Reus speaking: Todd Crandell: I'm just telling her that you guys are asking me because we're talking about this. And I don't blame her. I'm just telling her well talk about it later. Scott Reus: Is she at all excited or she just thinks you're full of crap? Todd Crandell: She just doesn't believe me and I understand it. Let me see if this is overflowing. Holy shit, fuck that's freaking cold man. Shampoo, this, a couple of phones. There it is, okay I'm getting in. Oh my God dude. Oh my God. Dude... that's cold man. Oh my God. Aahhh... What time is it? Scott Horns: 05:51. Todd Crandell: 05:51? At 06:01 let me know. Scott Horns: Good. Todd Crandell: I'm actually taking a piss in here. Cause I don't want to get out. This reminds me when I was a kid. Scott Horns speaking: Todd Crandell: Yeah dude this is cold man. It's good for you. Scott Reus: So after two days of Ultra man and now you're sitting in the ice bath. What do you have to say to all the people that think the way that you do it is not the right way; the way that you constantly or your method isn't the right way? Todd Crandell: You know what that's a fight that I'll never win. Somebody just e-mailed me - listen to this. Somebody just sent me an e-mail and said he's in rehab and he was telling his counselor that kick boxing was helping him start to withdraw get over his drug addiction. And the lady said, You can't do that it'll never work. And I'm just like, Why would a counselor tell somebody that something that is helping that guy doesn't work? Well that's' like me saying, Well if you want to be sober you've got to do the Ultra man. I mean that's just ludicrous and for me to tell somebody, Oh what you're doing is wrong. I can't believe some people are actually in a position of helping people when they say that kind of stuff. The counseling is what I love to do. I mean I work my butt off to get my Masters degree and then to get license as a professional counselor. And now I just want to utilize what I've worked my tail off to get because there's nothing better than sitting down with somebody who has a drug problem and me being able to help them. That's just as much of a high as finishing one of these crazy things you know so this is freezing. Scott Reus: It's good for you. Todd Crandell: Yeah what time is it? Scott Reus: It's - he asks Scott. I don't know... is that from his watch? Tony speaking: Todd Crandell: Should I go longer? Tony: The time is what? 05:57. Scott Reus: You have four more minutes buddy. Todd Crandell: He's lying Scott Reus: That's four more minutes of questions. Todd Crandell: you're lying Scott. Scott Horns: Todd Crandell: I could not seriously - that dude saves my butt. There's no way I could do this without him and Darwin I'm finished. Done. Brutal... One more day. I need to run 52 miles to finish this thing. That's it. Tony: It's nothing compared to what you've already done. Todd Crandell: No I'd rather run 52 miles and bike 172. That was the... that's the day I get worried about you know? Tony: It's all downhill from here. Todd Crandell: Yeah Unbelievable. Tony: How's Mellissa doing? You talked to her? Todd Crandell: Yeah she's good you know. Tony: The kids? Todd Crandell: Yeah everybody's good. I called my grandma she's just like, You got to quit. Tony: How old is your grandma? Todd Crandell: 95 you know. Tony: What'd she say? Todd Crandell: It's funny I told her I go, Grandma I rode 172 miles. And she was all Honey. Just like Wait no you can't do it, I mean, she hates this stuff because she's worried I might fall over dead or something you know. A lot of people - the people that really are my close friends and stuff have been telling me that I really need to quit this for a long time. It's the same thing with drugs. I keep saying that it's the same thing but you don't realize it yourself until you are ready to make a change yourself, it doesn't matter. But it's all those people along the way they've been telling you, You are not doing something right. Then you find they are like - Maybe they got something there. Tony: So it's a way you kind of balance because it's been something right because it's helped you and Racing for Recovery but at the same time it's something wrong how does that work? Todd Crandell: Well the volume is wrong. And I hate the bike and I don't really like swimming so. I sure don't like swimming 6.2 miles... Okay I know it's 6:01. Where's Scott? Tony: I'll double check for you. Todd Crandell: Yeah it's got to be because my feet are blue. Let me see what my phone says. Oh dude yeah it's 6:05- I'm done. Tony: Yeah it's past 6:01. Todd Crandell: Alright I'm taking a shower man. Nature sounds, birds chirping. Speaker: Get your cameras ready. As you can see there's always lot's of energy on day 3 Alright stand back a little bit and give these guys a bit of a path please if you could just make a pathway there. Todd Crandell: What time is it six? Tony: No. Todd Crandell: Okay. Todd Crandell: No I've been stretching for two days dude. Tony: Really? Todd Crandell: Yeah, I mean I'm not, it's alright I'm good. Tony speaking: Todd Crandell: No. Speaker: Alright ladies and gentlemen could we get the runners to start. Todd Crandell: Alright boys good day. Speaker: Underneath the start banner please. Pacers and all the crew and [Indiscernible] Todd Crandell: Let's do it. Speaker: Right at the sound of the siren. Three, two, one go. Rock music kicks in... Music continues. Todd Crandell: Didn't I tell you, no interviews while I'm on vacation. Tony: You seem to be in pretty good spirits this morning. Todd Crandell: Oh dude this is it you know I mean it We've gone through the hard stuff man you know what I mean. And he's helping me. Scott I would have been running this thing completely different trying to run the hill and you know. This is going to be fun. My... everything I am today started from the tragedy of my mom committing suicide. And for that I'm fortunate because I know what I'm supposed to do in life, I know I had that drug addiction and survived it to do what Im doing today without question and that is to help somebody else who is going through it. So if she's up there looking down on me I'm sure she realizes she made a mistake and but I think she can finally look down and say something good is coming out of that. And that to me is all I want to have continue out of this. But without question this whole thing with me - with my mom committing suicide in a way is benefiting a ton of people and I'll take that pain that I've gone through and trade it for helping the good of many people potentially thousands. That's worth it, yeah. Granted do I wish I could have a conversation with my mom to validate what I'm thinking? Yeah that's not going to happen but I'm going on faith that says, This is how it's supposed to be and just do something good with it. And I am doing something good with it racing for recovery is helping people. This is what I'm supposed to do so I owe a lot of it to my mom really for doing that. And I... the thing that I am at really with her is the anger I have towards her is just about gone. I don't hate her anymore I used to hate her and call her a lot of horrific names. I don't do that anymore. I'm sorry that she's not here, it'd be cool to know her but I don't have that hatred anymore and that's good because that was eating me alive. So now it's like Okay this is what I've been dealt let me make something good out of it. It's an interesting Music plays It's an interesting question I've never been asked this before - who have I hurt and I hurt a lot of people but I do want to say this - that I've cleaned all that up now. So I guess I cleaned it up years ago so I guess for me at this point it's just to reiterate and I do it every year on my sobriety day. I call my dad and I say I'm sorry. And it's even gotten to the point where I call him on that day and he says, I know. And that's the end of the conversation until the next year. The only regret that I have is that this has taken a toll on my marriage and my family the way it has. Everything else I don't have any regrets for, none. Because it has made me who I am today. Everything I've experienced both with the negative drug addiction and a positive sober living has made me who I am today and that's okay. Because I know in my heart that what I'm doing trying to help other people and I'm fine with that. I mean basically I'm sorry to everyone and everything that I terrorized during those addiction years and even in my sobriety. To my family, I mean in my sobriety I apologize to my family and my close friends who have worried about me on a physical level. I regret that it's harmed my wife the way it has it wasn't my intent but I regret that it has done to her emotionally. Nature sounds You know you don't want to bring me up to bring me down. Todd: Mentally that's good. Tony: What do you got to look forward to? Todd Crandell: A little massage at the half way. Think I might do it. Tony: What else do you got to look forward to? Todd Crandell: Finishing and then just relax and have a nice dinner with you guys. Just be like ah. Tony: Is that a dog? Todd: That's huge. You know if you think about it. Dave Barrett: You guys have got another running mate there too. Tony: You got a little buddy for you. Todd Crandell: What oh hey dude thought you were a bear come here come on. Darwin Holt: He's not sure how fast he wants to go. Todd Crandell: Come here man. Where do I take him away? My kids love animals like, Dad why didn't you bring him home? Todd VO: I've learned how really how awesome life is without using drugs. I've learned that not being drunk, not being high on drugs gives you the ability to be the best that you can be on that given day to deal with your emotional traumas. And that's all that's important. I'm not - I'm striving for improvement every day, physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and financially. It's about striving. For me I've learned to balance many things to the best of my ability. I've learned not to let things get out of hand and be obsessive with. I'm not saying I'm perfect at that; I fail at it miserably still. But I recognize when I'm wrong and I do my best to make it right. I've learned and I value and I treasure friendships. I don't take them lightly. I put a lot of emphasis on them. I have a - I got a lot of caring for a lot of awesome people in my life and I don't want to do anything to screw that up. music plays... Darwin Holt: This is great. 26 more miles to go, man. Scott: Yeah, half way there. Todd Crandell: Yeah man. Darwin: Early in the day? Scott Horns: Yeah. It's only 11 o'clock. He's going to need a little bit more of this. Todd Crandell: That feels good man. I'll take a couple of some more of that buddy, Darwin: Right now is the time when all that training pays off, all the recovery, all the nutrition for the last two days is this is now. This is when it pays off, that's why you got the runner with you so don't... Todd Voice: Right. Darwin Voice: Don't be scared to us it. Right? Todd Crandell: Yep. Darwin: Okay. Tony: What's the coaching philosophy for this run? Scott Horns: Well, Darwin's experienced ultra, yeah is a good strategy set up. Right approach to this technique, taking advantage of down hills you kind of put a little extra effort into it or at least letting gravity do the effort and just put in a good effort for this third of the run. In the end you're tired but still feeling good from here on up you can keep going strong, you know if he's a little tired we'll just cruise in. So this is a good time to put his mind at ease and let him know that he's got more than enough time to finish and finish well without struggling too much. Todd Crandell: That's why I have these guys with me because I would have gassed myself a long time ago. Rock music plays Kay Doughty: I think that what Todd is doing with Racing Recovery is a very healthy way for recovery. There is no one route to recovery what Todd has found, with the triathlete at being a triathlete and what he's giving to the folks that come to Racing for Recovery is a path that will create natural highs for the individuals, the behavior that they can use for themselves so that they won't pick up alcohol or other drugs. And I applaud Todd for what he is doing. I think he has hit on something which is successful for some people, it's not for everyone but it is successful. Music Plays Marcia: Yeah. He's been a really big inspiration to me he's really helped me so. Tony: Yeah. Can you talk a little bit about that? Marcia Reams: See... I'm sorry. I was in rehab because I was doing a lot of drugs and things and then he my mom kind of brought him in. She was like, There is this guy, he's really cool, he's racing, and I'd started to train for a half marathon with my mom. And she was like, He's going to come out and talk to you guys. And I was like, Alright. That's cool. You know like because I was on the road to sobriety so finding out someone else was and we heard about his story and that was just a really big inspiration. But he... Kathy: [Indiscernible] Marcia: I'm emotional. Tony: It's okay. You're allowed to be. Marcia: But he's just he's really amazing like and see he ran the half marathon with us but he wasn't feeling too well that day but he was he's generally like I don't know like... just the way he would interact with us all and be there for us. I don't know... he'd always tell me, Never give up, and stuff like that but when things get hard I think about Todd so... Kathy: And I know he's had hard times with everything and he's been up and down with Racing for Recovery and he's really been an inspiration so. Tony: What are we doing here Darwin, philosophy wise? Darwin Holt: We're just staying steady. Let's this - we're in to the big part of the day mentally, so what did you say we have left? Todd Crandell: 13 Darwin Holt: 13 miles so half marathon. Todd Crandell: Anybody can do a half marathon. Darwin Holt: Anybody can do a half marathon. And Todd's strong. He's right where we want him to be that's why we started off slow today. And you're feeling good, aren't you? Todd Crandell: I feel great. Darwin Holt: There you go. Todd Crandell: I also have some land in Florida I'd like to talk to you about. Darwin Holt: No. Todd Crandell: It's you know It is what it is. Can you move it? Are you alright? How much you got left? Todd Crandell: Six and a half. Tony: Six and a half miles. Have you ever not finished one? Todd Crandell: of the 18 Ironmans, we have the 28 halves, you have what will be the two Ultramans I've not finished; one Ironman in Malaysia, 2003 it taught a big lesson, I had to get my priorities together but then again I might have already done that anyway so... my arm really hurts bad up here I'm like, What can that be? Tony:The tattoos're wearing off? Todd Crandell: Something. It's like my bones ache. Tony: What are you going to tell Melissa when you get home? Todd Crandell: Thanks. I'm sorry again. Tony: What are you going to tell her when you finish? Todd Crandell: Thanks and I'm sorry. and I won't do it again. She didn't believe me; I don't blame her [Indiscernible] Steve: You know a lot of you have been waiting to find out where the next gentleman is, we're presently at 10 hours 51 minutes. So reminder for this man went in to day number three with a total time of 21:42:56, he has done 18 Ironmen in his career. He has done one previous Ultraman that was at the World Championships. He did over 42 hours and three minutes there; we're hoping that they can get something around that time today. But we understand at this point he's within two miles of finishing the 2009 Ultraman Canada race. Todd Crandell: People don't get over suicides of their parents or sexual molestation or physical abuse and mental abuse. You don't get over that. You do the best that you can on that given day to deal with your stuff. So how am I handling that today? In a variety of ways; A; I'm not using drugs over it. B; I totally recognize my feelings behind this and I'm improving on my actions on how I handle that. My anger is still there, it's not as often as what it used to be. I'm utilizing my kids, my work and exercising as my way to cope with this stuff but I will say this I'm done with this, this whole scene of talking about my mom and sit in her gravesite and all this stuff I'm done with this. I don't need to be talking about this anymore. We have the man who's going to be the next to finish. The man who showed that with sobriety anything is possible. He became sober April 15th 1993, he has been racing for recovery to help other people with drug and alcohol problems. There he is coming up the homestretch he has done the world championships he did that last year. It's going to be 42 year old Todd Crandell from Sylvania Ohio and a tremendous job, 18 Ironman to his credit including Ironman Canada in the year 2000 he's racing away to the 32:03:33 finish... He's married with four children and they'll be very proud of this effort as well. 10:31 on day one, 11:12 yesterday, 21:32:56 with 11:09 today for Todd Crandell congratulations. Went from addict to... Todd Crandell: The motivation I Todd: The motivation I have to stay sober is... it's not motivation it's how it is. I will go out a sober man... there will be no - Oh I used again. This time I really mean it I'm not going to do it no. I stopped using drugs long time ago and I'm never using again, period. When I'm gone legacy is a strong term because I haven't done anything worthwhile to be a legacy but I'll say that, I just want to leave a message behind that I tried to do everything I could to take what was given to me and have it help somebody else. That's why I want it to say on my tombstone it can say Humble, grateful individual who did everything I could with what was given to me to have it improve somebody else's life. And then Long live Motley Crue. On the end of it. |
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