If, and only if,
both sides of the numerator...
is divisible by the inverse
of the square root...
of the two unassigned variables.
Good. Except when the value
of the "X" coordinate...
is equal to or less than
the value of one.
- Yes, Isaac?
- What about that problem?
Oh, that?
Don't worry about that.
- "M" is...
- Wait. Why?
I just put that up as a joke.
That's probably...
...the hardest geometry equation
in the world.
How much extra credit is it worth?
Well, considering I've never
seen anyone get it right,
including my mentor,
Dr. Leaky at M.I.T.,
I guess if anyone here
can solve that problem,
I'd see to it that none of you ever
have to open another math book again...
for the rest of your lives.
Max? Care to try it?
I'm sorry,
did someone say my name?
You got it.
Fischer! Fischer!
Fischer! Fischer! Fischer!
Thank you.
You guys have it real easy.
I never had it like this
where I grew up.
But I send my kids here
because, the fact is,
you go to one of the best
schools in the country:
- Rushmore.
- Shh.
Now, for some of you,
it doesn't matter.
You were born rich,
and you're going to stay rich.
But here's my advice
to the rest of you:
Take dead aim
on the rich boys.
Get them
in the crosshairs...
and take them down.
Just remember:
They can buy anything,
but they can't buy backbone.
Don't let them forget that.
Thank you.
Free for graduation, Herman?
Perhaps you could give us an encore.
- Nicholas! Copernicus!
- I don't give a shit.
I paid for the whole damn natatorium.
The least these little pricks
can do is hear me out.
- Hi, Dr. Guggenheim.
- Hello, Max.
Hello, I'm Max Fischer.
I just wanted to say that I strongly agree
with your views concerning Rushmore.
Um... your speech
was excellent.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Hello.
Oh, Mr. Blume, this is my
chapel partner, Dirk Calloway.
Nice to meet you, Dirk.
Well, thanks.
You know...
I really think you're
right about Rushmore.
Come on, Dirk.
- What's his name again?
- Max Fischer.
Sharp little guy.
He's one of the worst
students we've got.
# Makin' time #
# Shootin' lines #
# For people to believe in #
# Things you say #
# Gone in a day #
# Everybody leavin' #
# Everybody leavin' #
# Why do we have to carry on #
# Always singin'
the same old song #
# Same old song #
- # The same old song #
- You! You're out!
# Tellin' lies #
# Closing your eyes #
# Making more excuses #
# Pullin' the wool #
# Actin' the fool ##
We're putting you on what we call
"sudden death academic probation".
And what does that entail?
It entails that if you
fail another class,
you'll be asked
to leave Rushmore.
In other words,
I'll be expelled.
That's correct.
Could I see some documentation
on that, please?
Too many extracurricular
activities, Max.
Not enough studying.
Dr. Guggenheim, I don't want
to tell you how to do your job,
but, the fact is,
no matter how hard I try,
I still might
flunk another class.
If that means I have to stay on for a
postgraduate year, then so be it, but...
We don't offer
a postgraduate year.
Well... we don't offer it yet.
Just bring up the grades.
Do you remember how
I got into this school?
- Yes. You wrote a play.
- That's right.
Second grade.
A little one act about Watergate.
And my mother read it
and felt I should go to Rushmore.
And you read it, and
you gave me a scholarship, didn't you?
Mm-hmm.
- Do you regret it?
- No, I don't regret it.
But I still might
have to expel you.
Couldn't...
Couldn't we just
let me float by?
For old time's sake?
Can't do it, Max.
- They want to kick me out.
- Oh, no, not again.
- What are you gonna do?
- The only thing I can do:
try and pull some strings
with the administration, I guess.
Did you hear they're teaching
Japanese next year?
That's the rumor.
And they're canceling Latin.
What?
I tried to get Latin
canceled for five years.
"It's a dead language,"
I'd always say.
Well, I guess
they finally heard you.
Excuse me.
Could I please see a list
of all the people...
who've checked out this book
in the past year?
Why?
Look at that.
"I have seen wicked men and fools,
a great many of both;
"and I believe they both
get paid in the end.
"But the fools first.
Chapter 15.
The Lad with the Silver Button. "
- Meet me on the corner in ten minutes.
- Where are you going?
I'll tell you
in the squad car.
Oh, and, Willie,
you were wrong
about Enrique Sanchez.
He died in his sleep.
Excellent. That was excellent.
That was great.
That was great.
Um, Irving... could you get some
root beers for anybody who wants one?
- I don't want one, okay?
- Okay.
All right, next scene.
Frank, you enter stage right
with a bag of cocaine.
I was just telling Mr. Calloway
the other day how fortunate we are...
- to have someone like
you looking out for Dirk.
Oh, don't be silly.
Dirk's a great kid,
and I'm just trying to impart...
some of the experiences
I've accrued to help him.
This has my number on it
if you need to call me...
or need help with Dirk
or anything like that.
Well, thank you very much.
Hello, Dirk.
- Hi, Mom.
- How are you, honey?
- Fine.
- Bye.
It was so nice
to see you again.
- Hey, Dirk. How'd your math test go?
- What math test?
- I thought you had a math test today.
- No.
Did you turn in your paper
on the Berlin Airlift?
Yeah, I got an extension.
- Hey, George.
- So how'd it go with Mrs. Calloway?
- We shook hands.
- Big deal.
And I gave her
my phone number.
Buchan said he'd have
already banged her by now.
What?
Just tell that deformed Scottish gorilla
to shut his fat face.
That's my best friend's mother
he's talking about.
I always thought that's why
you picked Dirk as your chapel partner.
What are you, a lawyer?
Hey, Mr. Blume.
Hey, it's Max Fischer.
- Oh, hi.
- Hey, Max, my mom just showed up.
Is it okay if I leave early? Over.
Sure, Charlie.
What's the secret, Max?
- "The secret"?
- Yeah.
Well, you seem to have it
pretty figured out.
The secret.
I don't know. Uh...
I think you just gotta find
something you love to do,
and then do it
for the rest of your life.
For me, it's going to Rushmore.
Shotgun.
- Hey, Ronny. Hey, Donny. How you guys...
- Get in the back. I said, "Shotgun".
Get in the back, Donny.
Let's go.
Did you invite that kid
to your party?
- Max Fischer? - Come on, Dad.
There's gonna be girls there.
- I'd rather die.
- Pull your head out of your ass.
- Good night, Mr. Littlejeans.
- Good night, Max.
I'll see you tomorrow.
May I see the back, please?
Certainly.
How's that?
Thank you.
I need a signature on this
geometry test, by the way.
Let's see.
- Hmm.
- I know, I know.
A 37.
Oh, I don't know
what to do anymore.
It could have been worse.
You almost got the "A".
"Almost got the 'A"'?
Dad, what are you writing?
Maybe I'm spending too much
of my time starting up clubs...
and putting on plays.
That's possible.
I should probably be trying
harder to score chicks.
That's the only thing
anybody really cares about.
It's not my forte, unfortunately.
It'll happen, Max. It's just...
You're like one
of those clipper ship captains.
You're married to the sea.
Yes, that's true.
But I've been out to sea
for a long time.
- Hello.
- Hi.
I like your hat.
Oh, thank you.
You're a teacher here,
aren't you?
And this is your first year
at Rushmore, I take it.
Uh-huh.
And how long have you been a smoker,
if you don't mind me asking?
Well, let's see now.
How old are you?
Fifteen.
- Since I was your age.
- You're kidding.
You should quit.
You're right.
And I should mind my own business.
Where did you go
to school, by the way?
- Harvard.
- Really?
That's a coincidence.
My top schools where I want
to apply to are Oxford and the Sorbonne.
My safety's Harvard.
- That's very ambitious.
- Thank you.
What do you want to study?
Well... I haven't
decided for sure,
but probably a double major
in mathematics and premed.
What was your major?
I didn't have a major, but my thesis
was on Latin American economic policy.
Oh, that's interesting. Did you hear they're
not going to teach Latin here anymore?
This was more like Central America.
Oh, Central America
and whatnot. Hmm.
But moving on:
They're gonna cancel Latin.
They've got
to make room for Japanese.
That's a shame because all the Romance
languages were based on Latin.
Yeah, they are,
aren't they?
Nihilo sanctum estne?
What's that?
Oh, it's Latin, isn't it?
What does that mean?
"Is nothing sacred?"
Sic transit gloria.
Glory fades.
I'm Max Fischer.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Come on, come on. File out.
- Sign here, please.
- Sic transit gloria.
- All right, all right.
In summation,
I have only one question:
Is Latin dead?
Why don't you just piss off,
Fischer, you dotty skid mark?
Was that Latin?
Never in my wildest
imagination...
did I ever dream
I would have sons like these.
What's your dad do, Max?
He's a neurosurgeon...
at, uh, St. Joseph's Hospital.
Personally, I could never see myself
cutting open somebody's brain,
but he seems to enjoy it.
Oh, no, no, no. I got this one.
- So you were in Vietnam,
if I'm not mistaken? - Yeah.
Were you in the shit?
Yeah, I was in the shit.
See you Sunday, Mr. Blume.
- All right.
- What's on Sunday?
Oh, that's right.
The twins' birthday party.
Do you want to come?
I'd love to, except I've already got
a previous obligation to attend to.
Yeah. Thanks for
the invitation, though.
Come work for me.
- What do you mean?
- I mean, I could use someone like you.
Look, I may not be rich, Mr. Blume.
My father may only be
a doctor, but we manage.
- One-twelves!
- Excuse me, Mr. Blume. Nice talking to you.
You're on the team?
I'm an alternate.
How you doin'?
Good to see you again.
Whoa. Neat.
# Met a girl, fell in love
Glad as I can be #
# Met a girl, fell in love
Glad as I can be #
# But I think all the time
Is she true to me #
# 'Cause there's nothing
in this world #
# To stop me worrying
about that girl #
# I found out I was wrong
She was just two-timing #
# I found out I was wrong
She just kept on lying #
# Now she tries
to tell the truth #
# And I just can't believe #
# 'Cause there's nothing
in this world #
# To stop me worrying
about that girl ##
Miss Cross?
I thought I'd just let you know
as per our conversation, the other day...
- Latin?
- Right. The Romance languages.
- Well, I gave a little speech.
- I heard about this.
Oh, you did?
I understand you made
a very convincing argument.
I just thought you'd be pleased to hear
they're gonna continue the Latin program.
I'm very impressed.
Well, thank you very much.
Hey, you need an assistant?
- Do we get to have an
assistant around here?
No, I doubt it.
I'm on scholarship, though...
academic scholarship...
so I get to do odd jobs and...
Say, how did you decide
to teach at Rushmore?
My husband went here.
I, uh... I didn't know
you were married.
Well, he's dead now.
So I'm not, actually.
When did he die?
Last year.
My mother's dead.
I'm sorry to hear that.
She died when I was seven.
I guess we both have
dead people in our families.
What's going on in here?
These were just born.
I don't want alloys. I want steel.
I don't give a rat's ass what he says.
Steel, Harry.
- So you've changed your mind,
and you want the job? - No.
But I've got an idea,
and I need some money.
What Rushmore
needs is an aquarium...
a first-class aquarium...
where the scientists can lecture...
and the students can observe
the marine life in its natural habitat.
- I don't know. What do you think, Ernie?
- An aquarium?
What kind of fish?
- Barracudas, stingrays,
electric eel, trout,
hammerheads, piranhas,
giant squid, octopi...
Piranhas? Really?
- Yes, I'm talking to
a guy in South America.
- What'd Guggenheim say?
- Nothing. I felt I should go to you first.
Why?
Because at this moment, I feel the
best strategy is to keep it low profile.
The more preparation work I can do,
the stronger our case will be...
- when we take it to the administration.
- How much money do you want?
Thirty-five thousand dollars,
for the initial plans.
I'll give you 2,500.
Okay.
# Trees #
# Swaying in the summer breeze #
# Showing off their silver leaves #
# As we walked by #
# Soft #
# Kisses on a summer's day #
# Laughing all our cares away #
# Just you and I #
# Sweet #
# Sleepy warmth of summer nights #
# Gazing at the distant lights #
# In the starry sky ##
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Max.
- Mm-hmm?
- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.
Has it ever crossed your mind
that you're far too young for me?
It crossed my mind that you might
consider that a possibility. Yeah.
Quite apart from the fact
that you're a student...
I'm not trying to pressure you
into anything, Miss Cross.
- I'm surprised you
brought it up so bluntly.
I just want to make sure...
- We've become friends, haven't we?
- Yes.
Good.
And, um...
the... the truth is, neither
one of us has the slightest idea...
where this relationship is going.
- We can't predict the future.
- We don't have a relationship, Max.
- But we're friends.
- Yes, and that's all we're going to be.
That's all I meant by "relationship".
You want me to grab a dictionary?
No, I just want to make sure
that we understand each other.
I understand.
You're not attracted to me.
C'est la vie.
Max, you're 15 years old.
Attraction doesn't enter into it.
If you say so.
Look, all I'm getting at is that...
that I've never met anyone like you.
So you can take that
for whatever it's worth.
I think I can safely say
I've never met anyone like you either.
You haven't, have you?
Want to shake hands?
I'm glad we had this conversation.
So am I.
I can't wear a wire.
They're feeling me up every day.
Oh, come on, Frank.
You'll have complete protection.
Yeah, I've heard that one before.
- I gotta put a dime in the meter.
- Sit down, Frank.
Joe, go put a dime in the meter
for Officer Serpico.
- Look, Serpico, if you agree
to testify in open court... - No!
- No, what?
- No, I'm not gonna testify.
Go, go, go.
I'll expect your gun
and your badge on my desk...
- Promise me one thing, O'Reilly.
- Name it.
That you're gonna follow this thing
all the way to the end...
of the line... where I got to be.
So help me God.
- Someone coming out of the building.
- I've got something!
- Wait. This could be it.
- There's action across the street.
- Yeah, it's him.
- It's Snowman.
- He's getting on the "L" train!
- Take him!
- What happened to the cannoli line?
- Max...
You're supposed to say, "Forget about it,
Sanchez. The old man likes his cannolis".
Look, I made a mistake, all right?
It didn't make any difference anyway.
Hey, I'm letting it go,
but don't say it doesn't matter.
- Every line matters.
- Get off my back!
Don't fuck with my play!
- You fucking cocksucker...
- Hey, break it up. Break it up.
I'm gonna kill you.
Max. Max.
- I thought the acting
tonight was excellent.
Thanks.
Well, it was better in rehearsals.
I'll catch up with you later, Dad.
I got a dinner to go to.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. Cast and crew only.
- Oh. You need some money?
- No, Dad.
- Well, how was the slap?
- It was good.
- There he is. Max, that was great.
- I'm so glad you could come.
I want you to meet a friend of mine.
Peter Flynn, Max Fischer.
- Hi.
- Who's this guy?
- Peter.
- I really liked your
play. It was really cool.
- Yeah.
- What happened to your nose?
- I got punched in the face.
- Oh, boy.
- What's your excuse?
- Hey, author.
- How you doing?
- Nice job.
- Thank you.
- Gonna get to meet your dad tonight?
Oh, no. The old man's on call.
Mr. Blume, I'd like you
to meet Miss Cross...
and I didn't catch
this young gentleman's name.
I like your nurse's uniform, guy.
These are O.R. scrubs.
"O.R." they?
Well, they're totally
inappropriate for the occasion.
Well, I didn't know
we were going to dinner.
That's because you weren't invited.
Take it easy, Max.
- You were the one that
ordered him a whiskey and soda.
So what's wrong with that?
I can write a hit play. Why can't I have
a little drink to unwind myself?
So, tell me, curly,
how do you know Miss Cross?
- We went to Harvard together.
- Oh, that's great.
I wrote a hit play
and directed it.
So I'm not sweating it either.
Can we get a check, please?
- What do you think you're doing?
- Getting the check.
No, you're not. Excuse me.
I just want to thank you
for accommodating us.
You see, we only thought
we were going to be three,
but, uh, someone invited
himself along, so I apologize.
- Quite all right, sir. Very well.
- Okay.
You're being rude, Max.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
No, I'm not. I'm just trying to figure out
why you brought this gentleman to my play...
and my dinner,
which was invitation only.
- Would you like me to
pass you the creamer, Doc?
Yes, please.
- What is wrong with you?
- What is wrong with you?
You hurt my feelings!
This night was important to me!
How did I hurt your feelings?
Oh, my God!
I wrote a hit play!
And I'm in love with you.
Put that a little bit there.
- Hi.
- Were you hiding over there?
Uh, I didn't want
to disrupt class.
What's that you're painting?
That's a... a jellyfish.
What can I do for you, Mr. Blume?
Max wants to talk to you.
- What for?
- To apologize, I think.
Should we talk over here?
He sent you?
Yeah.
Are you his messenger?
No, I'm his friend.
You were right.
I should not have allowed him to drink.
I don't think
I should see Max anymore.
Well, he's not gonna like
the sound of that.
No. No, I know, but...
I think I let him
get too attached.
What do you think?
Well, I think
you did your best.
Tell him I'm sorry.
Okay.
What is your first name?
Rosemary. What's yours?
Herman.
He wrote you a letter.
Dear Miss Cross,
I would like to take this opportunity
to formally apologize...
for the events
of the night of the 23rd.
I'm not accustomed
to drinking alcohol.
Please do me the service of coming to the
unveiling of a new venture I've undertaken.
I hope you will attend,
if possible.
I remain your friend, Max Fischer.
Cut the music and no more pictures.
- What time is it, Alan?
- 1:15.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Hey, lay off the chips, Buchan.
Did you see her?
- She's not here.
- Well, go check her classroom.
- Shall I go ahead and
take care of this tree?
Let's wait a few minutes.
- What's going on here, Maxie?
- Oh, hey, Coach Beck. Good to see you.
This is where we're
putting in the new aquarium.
I'm in charge of the committee,
if you can believe it.
This is my baseball diamond.
Yeah, I know, and I believe
it's being relocated a few feet over.
Is it true the aquarium
will have piranhas?
Where did you hear that?
- My source indicated
that it was a possibility.
Yes, it's true, but piranhas
are a very tricky species.
- Max?
- Excuse me, George.
- Bad news.
- What's the story?
- She had a substitute teacher today.
- Why?
I guess she got sick.
- You know she's not
sick. Give me the phone.
Janet, Max Fischer.
Is Mr. Blume there?
Well, where is he?
Goddamn it.
He's supposed to be here.
I don't give a shit
about the barracudas,
but, fuck it, I'm building it anyway.
Max!
Where are those damn
chain saws coming from?
- He's right over there!
- Max!
- Max!
- Oh, hello, Dr. Guggenheim.
- What the hell do you think you're doing?
- We're having a fund-raiser for the...
Turn that damn thing off!
Tell me this isn't happening.
Dr. Guggenheim, I'd rather not have
this conversation in front of my crew.
...chapter seven.
One more thing.
We have a new student with us today.
His name's Max Fischer,
and he's actually asked...
to say a few words to the class.
Max, you want to take it away?
Sure. Thanks very much.
I just wanted to introduce myself.
I'm Max Fischer.
I'm a former student
of Rushmore Academy,
which I recently
got expelled from.
This is my first time
in a public school.
I know you probably think I was born
with a silver spoon in my mouth,
but I'm no elitist.
I think you've got
some great facilities,
and I'm really looking forward to making
the best of it here at Grover Cleveland.
One footnote.
I notice you don't have
a fencing team.
Well, I'm gonna try my hardest
to start one up for you guys.
- Max?
- Yes?
Hi, I'm Margaret Yang.
I'm in Mrs. Whitney's class.
- I just wanted to tell you that
I liked your speech. - Thank you.
I don't think I've ever heard of anyone
asking to give a speech in class before.
No? How unfortunate.
The silver spoon remark
might rub some people the wrong way,
- but I think I know...
- What do you mean?
- Well...
- You know what?
I gotta go into class in here.
I'll see you later, Mrs. Chang.
En garde!
Janet, Max Fischer. Is he in?
Yeah?
Okay.
Hey, Max, how's it going?
Terrible. Tell me something. When you
talked to Miss Cross the other day...
Do you have a telephone pass?
- Excuse me. Do you have a telephone pass?
- One second.
I gotta tell ya, I don't know
what you see in her.
I don'tthink she's right for you.
What's that supposed to mean?
I mean, she's not
that beautiful.
She's not that intriguing.
I mean, she has something that
you can't put your finger on, but...
Look, Mr. Blume, your comments are
valuable, but let's get to the point.
- Son?
- Will she see me again, yes or no?
- No.
- Hang on.
I'm talking on the telephone.
Oh, come on.
That's rude.
Hey, Fischer.
You better beat it, sonny.
You know, Fischer,
I've been watching you.
Showboat. Always talkin'.
Picking a kid like Dirk because his mother's
a great piece, and then getting nowhere.
Like everything you do.
Big show. No results.
What do you call getting a hand job from
Mrs. Calloway in the back of her Jaguar?
A fucking lie.
You think I got kicked out
for just the aquarium? Nah.
It was the hand job.
You want to know something else?
It was worth it.
I'm sorry I embarrassed you at dinner.
And please apologize
to what's-his-name for me.
I will. You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine,
but I miss Rushmore.
I miss the seasons.
Watching the leaves change.
By the way, what time
does the library close?
I've got an overdue book
to turn in.
That is your handwriting,
isn't it?
My husband gave me this book...
when he came to visit England
when I was 13 and he went to Rushmore.
So when he died,
I gave it to the library here.
You remind me of him, you know?
I do?
How?
Well...
you were a member of
the Rushmore Beekeepers, weren't you?
Yeah. I was president of them.
He founded that club.
Do you think we can be
friends again, Miss Cross?
- In-In a strictly platonic way?
- Of course I do.
Do you think you can make a go of it
and settle down at Grover Cleveland?
Yeah, but I need a tutor.
# In the midnight moonlight
I'll #
# Be walking
a long and lonely mile #
# And every time I do #
# I keep seeing
this picture of you #
# Here comes my baby #
# Here she comes now #
# And that comes
as no surprise to me #
# With another guy
here comes my baby #
# Here she comes now #
# Walkin' with a love
With a love that's all so fine #
# Never could be mine
no matter how I try #
# You never walk alone #
Fighting Owls, let's go!
# And you're forever
talking on the phone #
- # I try to call you names #
- Let's go!
- Let's go!
- # But every time it comes out the same #
# Here comes my baby #
- # Here she comes now ##
- Okay, what else do we got?
- Alan's got the birds for your approval.
- I'll take the green one.
- And here's the knife.
- That's too fake.
- Hi, Max.
- Hello.
What's your name again?
- Margaret Yang.
- Margaret Yang.
What are you doing seventh period,
Margaret Yang?
- I have guitar lessons.
- Classical guitar or... In what school?
- Rock. - Ro... That's good.
We can get you out of that.
Could I see you without
your glasses on, please?
Let's put Margaret down for 3:30
in the auditorium, Woody.
Thank you.
And-And bring
a head shot, please.
Hello, Herman.
- How are you, Rosemary?
- I'm fine, thanks.
I just got home,
and I'm having a little snack.
- Having some carrots?
- Yeah.
Nice house.
Yeah. Um, it isn't mine.
I'm just sort of house-sitting.
Um... you were
in the neighborhood?
Uh... did Max have something
planned for us today?
A trip to the museum
or something?
No, I don't think so.
I think he's rehearsing tonight.
Oh, that's right.
He's doing his new play.
Yeah, he's really making a go of it
over there at Grover Cleveland.
Yeah, he's doing very well,
isn't he?
Do you want a carrot?
Yeah, I'll have one of those.
Thank you.
Well, I'll probably
be seeing you soon.
Or we could go for a walk now,
if you like.
Sure.
The weather's nice, isn't it?
A little brisk.
I'll just get a sweater.
I'll be back in a minute.
Dirk?
I know about you
and the teacher.
- Does Max know?
- No, and I don't want him to know, ever.
I just want it
to stop right now.
You're a married man, Blume,
and you're supposed
to be his friend.
Look, Dirk, I am his friend.
Oh, yeah. And with friends
like you, who needs friends?
Unlock it!
Little Calloway.
You're standing up
for the wrong guy.
Fischer ain't your mate.
What are you talking about, Buchan?
He thinks your mom's good for a bonk.
That's the only reason he picked you
as his chapel partner.
- Who sold you that crock?
- He told me himself.
He says she gave him a hand job
in the backseat of her bloody Jaguar.
- Max would never say that.
- Yeah.
I suppose you're right.
After all, the son of a brain doctor doesn't
need to impress anybody now, does he?
The killing's gotta stop, esse.
It's getting too loco.
- No more gats.
- Nigger, you're the crazy one.
People be trying to kill you.
Are you talkin'...
...about you're gonna get rid of your gun?
It's time, homey.
Kiss me, Little Juan.
All right, then he kisses her
and we're out. Okay.
Is that for me?
Dear Max, I am sorry to say
that I have secretly found out...
that Mr. Blume is having
an affair with Miss Cross.
My first suspicions came when I saw them
Frenching in front of her house,
and then I knew for sure when they went
skinny-dipping in Mr. Blume's swimming pool,
giving each other hand jobs while you
were taking a nap on the front porch.
Why am I telling you this now?
Because you're such a good friend.
Take care, pal.
Fondly, Dirk Calloway.
God.
How was she, Herman?
Jesus Christ.
Was she good?
I bet she was.
Although, I wouldn't know
because I never screwed her.
Going skinny-dipping
while I took a nap.
"Are you comfortable, Max?
I'll just, uh, be out back, nude,
getting hand jobs
from the woman you love. "
We never went skinny-dipping.
Sure, you didn't.
And next you're gonna tell me...
you didn't just walk out of her house
at 2:00 in the morning.
I'm in love with her.
Well, I was in love
with her first.
And all that crap about,
"I don't think she's that great.
I don't think she's right
for you, Max. "
That was all bullshit,
wasn't it?
Do you think
she's in love with you?
I don't know.
Well, I guarantee you she's not,
and she never will be.
Max.
I saved Latin.
What did you ever do?
On the planet I come from...
the sun only comes out once a year.
# From a tiny piece of colored glass #
- That is why my skin...
- Excuse me.
- # My love was born #
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I just came by to thank you
for wrecking my life.
# And reds and golds and yellows #
- # Were the colors in the dawn #
- Max, what are you doing?
# Night brought on
its purple cloak #
# Of velvet to the sky #
# And the gulls
were wheeling, spinning #
- # On Jersey Thursday ##
- Hello, Mrs. Blume.
This is Max Fischer. I have some
information regarding your husband.
Please return my call on my voice mail:
Grover Cleveland High School, extension 23.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for meeting me.
You're welcome.
Would you like a sandwich?
All right.
I have a tuna
and peanut butter and jelly.
Sorry it's not
something more exotic.
- I'll take the tuna fish.
- Okay.
Milk or apple juice?
Get to the point.
Okay.
Your husband's...
- How long will you be
staying with us, Mr. Blume?
Indefinitely.
- I'm being sued for divorce.
- Very good, sir.
Yo, shorty.
Say, can you tell me
where the pool is located?
I might want to take a dip
after I have dinner and hit the bar.
It's on the roof, sir.
# Can't believe it #
# Do my eyes deceive me #
# Am I back in your arms #
# Away from all harm #
# It's like a dream
to be with you #
# Again #
# Can't believe that I'm with you #
# Again #
# You are forgiven #
- # You are forgiven #
- # You are forgiven #
# You are forgiven #
- # You are forgiven #
- # You are forgiven #
# You are forgiven
Forgiven, forgiven #
# Forgiven, forgiven Forgiven,
forgiven Forgiven, forgiven #
# Forgiven, forgiven
Forgiven, forgiven #
# Know you're forgiven #
# Come on, baby #
# Know that you are #
# Know you're forgiven #
# Know that you've been reprieved #
# Baby #
# You are forgiven #
He's about five foot three,
black hair, glasses, oval face.
# You know you're forgiven #
- # Forgiven #
- # You, baby, forgiven #
- # Forgiven #
- # Know you're forgiven #
# Forgiven #
# Know you're forgiven ##
Thanks for bailing me out, Dad.
Can you drop me off at Rushmore?
- I gotta go get a teacher fired.
- I don't think that's wise, Max.
Whoa! What are you doing?
What are you doing?
- This is private property!
You're trespassing!
What, are you crazy?
Wait a minute!
Stop!
- Let's have a truce for a second.
- Wait! Truce! Truce!
What's this all about?
Did you say my mom
gave you a hand job?
- What?
- Did you say it?
Who told you
that goddamn lie?
Never mind.
I know who said it.
I think I'm gonna stick
a knife in his heart,
then I'm gonna send him back to Ireland
in a body bag.
He's from Scotland.
Well, tell that stupid Mick he just
made my list of things to do today.
I'm gonna pop a cap in his ass.
So you received the package?
Good.
I just wanted to inform you
about what's going on.
I never took you
for an informer, Max.
What's that supposed to mean?
"What's that supposed to mean?"
She resigned this morning before
I even got your little snapshots.
So your latest attempt
at sabotage backfired.
But she's one of the best teachers
you've got. How could you let her go?
- Why are you trying to get her fired?
- You stupid old fool!
I'm trying to win her back!
Miss Cross?
Hi, Max.
- Need any help?
- No, I have it.
Oh, here, let me see.
- No. Please. Look, I don't
think you should come in here.
Look, I'm sorry
I hurt your feelings.
I'm sorry I love your friend
instead of you, but...
Please, Max...
- You honestly believe you
love Blume instead of me?
Yes.
Well, you'll have to forgive me
if I don't take your word for that.
- Oh, stop.
- Miss Cross...
- Listen, if you don't stop, I'm
gonna lose it. I mean it! Don't...
It's too late.
It's too late.
Wait. Please.
I got kicked out
because of you.
- No, you got kicked out...
- Rushmore was my life.
- Now you are.
- No, I'm not.
What do you really think
is gonna happen between us?
Do you think
we're gonna have sex?
That's a kind
of cheap way to put it.
Not if you've ever
fucked before, it isn't.
Oh, my God.
How would you describe it
to your friends?
Would you say
that you'd fingered me?
Or maybe I could give you a hand job.
Would that put an end to all of this?
Please get out of my classroom.
Fresh are you, sporty, me fuckup.
Hey, Magnus.
Got any good hand jobs lately?
Hey, Dirk! Look who's here.
It's your stepfather, waiting
for your mom so that he can get a piece.
Your mind's as warped
as your ear, Buchan.
Don't get nasty, brother.
We got him, Dirk.
We got him.
Max?
Oh, hey, Mr. Blume.
You said you wanted to meet?
W- When?
Right now.
You said you wanted
to put an end to all this.
Oh, yeah. I, uh, was gonna try and
have that tree over there fall on you.
- That big one?
- Yup.
It would have flattened me
like a pancake.
What stopped you?
I don't know.
What's the point?
She loves you.
She's my Rushmore, Max.
Yeah, I know.
She was mine too.
# I am waiting #
# I am waiting #
# Oh, yeah, oh, yeah #
# I am waiting #
# I am waiting #
# Oh, yeah, oh, yeah #
# Waiting for someone
to come out of somewhere #
# Waiting for someone
to come out of somewhere #
# You can't hold out
You can't hold out #
# Oh, yeah, oh, yeah #
# You can't hold out #
# You can't hold out #
# Oh, yeah, oh, yeah #
# Waiting for someone
to come out of somewhere #
# Waiting for someone #
- # To come out of somewhere #
- Hello.
Hi. I was wondering
if Max was home.
- # See it come along and
don't know where it's from #
He's not in.
# Oh, yes, you will find out #
# Well, it happens all the time #
- # It's censored from our minds #
- I'm sorry.
# You'll find out #
# Slow or fast #
# Slow or fast #
# Oh, yeah, oh, yeah #
# End at last #
# End at last #
# Oh, yeah, oh, yeah #
# Waiting for someone
to come out of somewhere #
# Waiting for someone
to come out of somewhere #
# Stand up coming years #
# And escalation fears #
# Oh, yes, we will find out #
# Well, like a withered stone #
# Fears will pierce your bones #
# You'll find out #
# Oh, we're waiting #
- # Oh, we're waiting ##
- Good night, Stan. Merry Christmas.
See you next time.
It's been nice having
your company here at the shop, Max.
You put any more thought...
- into giving school another shot?
- No.
Max, I like being a barber.
I'm good at it.
But I always thought
you'd try another line of work.
You talked about being
a senator or a diplomat.
Pipe dreams, Dad.
I'm a barber's son.
See you at dinner.
Hello, Dirk.
- Hi, Max.
- What can I do for you?
- I thought I might get a haircut.
- We're closed.
Well, I just want to say
I'm sorry I threw rocks at you that day.
But I guess I'll go now.
Merry Christmas.
What in the hell's that?
So, did you hear the news?
I doubt it. I don't really
follow the news anymore.
Dr. Guggenheim had a stroke.
I'll send him a box of candy.
Maybe you ought to go visit him.
- Mrs. Guggenheim?
- Hello, Max. Come in.
It's so good to see you.
Oh, these are glorious.
I'll put them in some water.
Have a seat.
Should I say hello to Dr. Guggenheim
or can he not hear me?
No, he can hear you.
Hey, old-timer.
It's, uh, Max Fischer.
You probably can't hear me because...
- I don't know if your
brain is damaged or...
What do you want?
Nelson?
That's the first thing
he's said in ten days.
Do you think he recognized me?
- Oh, I don't think so.
- It's Fischer.
See ya later. Bye.
Hope you feel better.
Hey, amigo.
So, who gave you the shiner?
Either Ronny or Donny.
Can't tell the difference anymore.
Well, whichever one it was
really clocked you.
Hmm.
Kids don't like it when
their parents get divorced.
- I don't blame 'em.
- Neither do I.
How is she?
I really wouldn't know.
- Why not?
- I haven't seen her in six weeks.
What happened?
She left?
She's in love
with a dead guy anyway.
Edward Appleby.
You know, uh...
she's sweet, but she's fucked-up.
- Adios, muchacho.
- Hey, are you okay?
Mmm, I'm a little bit
lonely these days.
Max?
What are you doing here?
I don't know. Jesus.
They came at me out of nowhere.
- It was... It was so sudden.
- What?
I'm sorry. Can I use your phone?
- I just got hit by a car.
- Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Hmm? What did you say?
- Come inside.
- Thank you.
- I'm gonna get something for your head.
- Okay.
So, this is where it all happens.
- All what happens?
- I wouldn't know.
So, why did you dump Blume?
- That's none of your business.
- I know it's not.
But I just got hit by a car,
and I'm a little confused right now.
I mean, I thought
you dumped me for Blume.
Then I hear...
- I never dumped you because
we were never going out.
It would just help me
if you talked to me for a minute.
Tell me what happened.
Okay.
Um, A: He's married.
He hates himself.
And C: Well,
he smashed up your bicycle,
- didn't he?
- My previous bicycle, yes.
- Well, what sort of person
does something like that?
I don't know.
War does funny things to men.
He thinks you dumped him
because of Edward Appleby.
What does that mean?
Well, I mean, you live in his room,
with all his stuff. It's kind of...
I was married to him.
- I know you were.
- Although, I will say...
that Edward has more
spark and character...
and imagination
in one fingernail...
than Herman Blume
has in his entire body.
One dead fingernail.
Right.
One dead fingernail.
How did he die, by the way?
He drowned.
How did your mother die?
She got cancer.
Hold still for a moment, okay?
You're very pretty.
Thank you.
Is this fake blood?
Yes, it is.
You know, you and Herman
deserve each other.
You're both little children.
Let me show you the door.
I'll just go back out the window.
- Good-bye, Miss Cross.
- Good-bye, Max.
Hey.
I'm, uh... I'm sorry
about what I said...
about your mom
giving me a hand job.
I know, Max.
I'm sorry I didn't take your hand
when Buchan kicked your ass.
Hey, uh, that's okay.
What's that?
I don't know.
Nice landing.
What's, uh... What's that you got there,
a little flight plan or something?
Hmm, pretty good.
- Do you know Dirk Calloway?
- I don't think so.
Dirk, this is Margaret Yang.
I, uh, heard about your science project
on Action 13.
- They said the Navy wants
to buy it from you. That's...
No, not anymore.
- Why not?
- Because it was a fake.
- What do you mean?
- I faked all the results.
- Why?
- Because it didn't work.
I thought it would,
but it didn't.
You're a real jerk to me,
you know that?
I'm sorry, Margaret.
Well, anyway, nice to see you.
Do you want to take over for a while?
Take dictation, please.
Possible candidates
for Kite Flying Society.
- David Connors. Murray Marshall.
- # I listen to the wind #
- Greg Holloway. Duncan Wright.
- # To the wind of my soul #
Margaret Yang. Woody Jackson.
Shoeshine Pickens.
# Where I'll end up
Well, I think only God really knows #
# I've sat upon
the setting sun #
# But never, never
never, never #
# I never wanted water once #
# No, never, never, never #
# I listen to my words
but they fall far below #
- Thanks for meeting me, Mr. Blume.
- What can I do for you?
# I let my music take me
where my heart wants to go #
What's this?
# I swam upon the devil's lake #
That's the Perfect Attendance Award
and the Punctuality Award.
I got those at Rushmore.
I thought you could choose
which one you like more...
and you could wear that one,
and I could wear the other.
# No, never, never, never ##
I'll take Punctuality.
Okay.
Come here.
- Thank you.
- Come on inside.
Well, well, well, well,
look what the cat dragged in.
Sorry I'm late.
That's okay.
I want you to meet someone.
Mr. Blume,
this is my father, Bert Fischer.
Nice to meet you,
Mr. Fischer.
Now Mr. Fischer was my father's name.
Call me Bert, please.
- Okay, Bert.
- So, Max tells me you need a haircut.
I can see that. Why don't you sit down,
and we'll have a look.
Mm-hmm.
I don't know, Bert.
Don't worry, Mr. Blume.
It's a relatively painless procedure.
Maybe we'll throw in
a shave as well.
Okay, are you fond
of that mustache?
Do you think you want to keep it
for a while? Mm-hmm.
- How much are you worth, by the way?
- I don't know.
- Over ten million?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Good, good.
- Why?
'Cause we're gonna
need all of it.
# In the middle of the night #
# In the middle of the night
I call your name #
# Oh, Yoko #
# Oh, Yoko #
# My love will turn you on #
# Oh, Yoko #
# Oh, Yoko ##
She's not coming, is she?
Hmm, doesn't look good.
But don't worry. Come on, Herman.
- Shit, what am I doing here?
- Hey!
- Scatter. Scatter.
- Damn it!
How in the hell did you ever
get so rich? You're a quitter, man!
I paid $8 million for this.
And that's all
you're prepared to spend?
I'm, uh, sorry you couldn't make it to
our little groundbreaking the other day.
It's kind of a shame,
since he's building it for you.
Well, you know, I never asked anyone
to build me an aquarium.
I'm not quite sure
how that rumor got started.
Me neither.
You think Edward Appleby
would have built one for you?
Yeah, I think he would have,
if he'd had the money.
That's what I thought.
Blume's got a bit more spark and
vitality than you expected, doesn't he?
I thought the aquarium
was your idea.
Well, I gave it to my friend.
- Fifteen sticks?
- Yes, please.
And... could you make
the order out to...
Ready Demolition,
Tucson, Arizona?
Thank you very much.
Make sure these don't get wet.
I'll see you at 3:15.
- Where are you going?
- Rushmore.
I've got one last piece
of unfinished business to attend to.
- Fischer, you fuck!
- Hello, Magnus.
I'd have shot you
in the other ear,
but it got blown off
a long time ago.
- Besides, now we're even.
- Not for long, Kemo Sabe.
We'll see. I got
a proposition for you.
Well, you can stick it up
your mother's ass, you little prick.
I gotta hand it to you, Magnus.
You've got a way with words.
You want to be in a play?
What's all that shite?
Nothing.
I just think
you're right for the part.
I always wanted to be
in one of your fucking plays.
I know you did, mate.
This is gonna be exciting.
My son Max wrote it.
Oh, boy, I gotta call the hospital.
Excuse me. Are you
Mrs. Whitney, the English teacher?
- Yes. - Hi, I'm William Yang,
Margaret Yang's father.
- This is my wife, Lucille.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hello.
- That's kid's gonna burn this place down.
You better believe it.
- Well, the plans were never
formally submitted to the city.
- Were they supposed to be?
- I assume so.
- Too late now.
- Officers Brooks and Donovan...
requesting additional units
at Grover Cleveland High School.
- Units responding identify.
- A program.
Let me look at that.
Turn it, turn it.
That's enough.
- Excuse me. Right here.
- Thanks.
Hi, Herman.
Looks like Max
pulled a fast one on us.
Thank you very much.
I don't usually do this,
but this play means a lot to me,
and I wanted
to make a dedication.
So, I'll just say that this play
is dedicated to the memory of my mother,
Eloise Fischer,
and to Edward Appleby,
a friend of a friend.
Also, you'll find a pair
of safety glasses and some earplugs...
underneath your seats.
Please feel free to use them.
Thank you very much.
Bravo Company, this is Tango 7.
Do you copy?
We order the military forces
of the United States to take action...
This is a different kind of war.
We are making progress,
progress, progress, progress.
How long you been
in country, soldier?
I ain't even here, Sergeant.
I'm in Cheyenne, Wyoming.
Right on, brother.
Hoo. Hoo-hoo.
Let's rock, Esposito!
I repeat, let's rock!
Let's rock and roll!
Fischer!
I'm okay. Go, go, go, go.
- Damn it!
- Take it easy, Dirk.
- How much time do we got, Wood?
- Two minutes.
- All right, bring me some more
ketchup very quickly, please.
Effects!
- This is gonna look stupid.
- No, it's not. It's gonna look real.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Hold this one too, okay?
So, what do you think
of Max's latest opus?
It's good.
But let's hope
it's got a happy ending.
- Adios, Esposito.
- Adios, Sarge.
Say a prayer for Surf Boy,
wherever he is.
Semper fi, soldier.
Semper fi.
Sic transit gloria.
Maybe we'll meet again someday...
when the fighting stops.
Tag 'em and bag 'em, cherries!
We're movin' out!
I don't know but I've been told
I don't know but I've been told
Hello, Esposito.
Will you marry me, Le-Chahn?
You bet I will.
That's my son.
That's my Maxie.
I just didn't expect to see you here.
Did Max send you an invitation?
Yeah, and he told me to wear a tie.
- Congratulations, Max.
- Thank you very much, Mrs. Yang.
I, uh, actually wrote a different
version of the play two years ago,
but I couldn't
get it done over at Rushmore.
- Oh, really? Why?
- Too political?
No, a kid got his finger blown off
during rehearsals.
A very good evening
to you, Fischers. Hi.
Miss Cross, I'd like for you
to meet my father, Bert Fischer.
He's a barber.
This is my friend, Rosemary Cross.
- Hello, Rosemary.
- Nice to meet you at last, Bert.
Of course you know Mr. Blume.
I'd also like everyone to meet
Mr. and Mrs. Yang. This is Margaret.
- Hello, Margaret.
- It's nice to meet you, Miss Cross.
I'm surprised they let him build
a real campfire on the stage.
It's clearly a safety hazard.
- Well, last year, he
tried to raise piranhas.
Yeah, I know he did.
- What did you think, Mr. Littlejeans?
- Best play ever, man.
I thought it was
a very realistic performance.
Yeah? Fischer stepped
over half my bloody lines.
That's funny.
I didn't notice.
Mr. Blume, how are Ronny and Donny
enjoying military school?
- They love it.
- Lucky bastards.
- I understand you're a neurosurgeon.
- No, I'm a barber.
But a lot of people make that mistake.
You were incredible tonight, Margaret.
- You were that poor girl.
- Thank you.
I loved it when you grabbed onto the
bottom of the chopper as it was taking off.
- That was totally improvised.
- I know.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Of course.
Can you do
an Australian accent?
I'm working on something
that's set in the outback.
I really feel like celebrating,
you know?
- Would you care to dance?
- Oh, yes, I would love to.
- Great.
- Come on.
You're looking good, Bert.
Hello, Mr. Blume.
Hello, Margaret.
May I cut in?
I haven't had a chance to cut a rug
with your new girlfriend yet.
- Ah, new girlfriend.
- Yes, I am.
Find your own dance partner, Mr. Blume.
I'm spoken for.
No, it's okay.
He's my friend.
Well... you pulled it off.
Yeah, it went okay.
At least nobody got hurt.
Except you.
No, I didn't get hurt that bad.
Come on, you two. Shake a leg.
- Would you like to dance?
- Yeah, but...
Here, let's see if the deejay can play
something with a little more... Reuben!
# Poor old Granddad #
# I laughed at all his words #
# I thought he was a bitter man #
# He spoke of women's ways #
# They'll trapped you
Then they use you #
# Before you even know #
# For love is blind
and you're far too kind #
# Don't ever let it show #
# I wish that
I knew what I know now #
# When I was younger #
# I wish that
I knew what I know now #
# When I was stronger #
# The cancan's
such a pretty show #
# Will steal your heart away #
# But backstage
back on Earth again #
# The dressing rooms are gray #
# They come on strong
and it ain't too long #
# For they make you
feel a man #
# But love is blind
and you soon will find #
# You're just a boy again #
# When you want her lips
you get her cheek #
# Makes you wonder
where you are #
# If you want some more
then she's fast asleep #
# Leaves you twinkling
with the stars #
# Poor young grandson #
# There's nothing I can say #
# You'll have to learn
just like me #
# And that's the hardest way #
# Ooh la la #
# Ooh la la la la #
# Yeah, yeah #
# I wish that
I knew what I know now #
# When I was younger #
# I wish that
I knew what I know now #
# When I was stronger ##