Is it supposed to take
this long?
Mom, I...
Wait. I-I know you're mad.
But, Mom, I-I didn't even
want to do it.
Please.
Mom.
Mom... Mom... Mom!
Oh, fuck.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Satanic panic
Satanic panic
Satanic panic
Satanic panic
Kangaroos are listening
Some koala bears are, too
They can't hear my heartbeat
They don't know I miss you
You got pills, you got drugs
What you need is a hug
I can't see you
behind your paraphernalia
But I'm waiting for you
In Australia
What the... What is that?
I told you.
In Australia
I shouldn't have shown you guys.
Oh.
Delivering pizza is a calling
whose techniques
- are passed down orally...
- And anally.
...from generation
to generation.
This is hazing.
Great.
Got a double going to S Town,
triple going west,
and the Presbyterians are having
a lock-in.
Ooh!
I get the pesky Presbies.
Hey, Karim, you're west.
Young lady, S Town.
Ain't nothing good happening
in S Town, baby.
In Australia
Samster.
Yeah?
You owe me $5.
For what?
Deposit on the thermal bag.
Oh.
But I need that $5 for gas.
Look. It'll be
right there when you're done.
Hey. I don't want
my girlfriend crying.
I'm not your girlfriend.
You keep calling me.
For a job.
And here you are.
Thanks.
It's great.
You owe me.
Please move.
I'm getting wet.
I have that effect on all women.
You should meditate.
Real universe?
It's in there.
Boop!
Wait.
Why did you call it S Town?
Scrooge Town.
Never tips.
Shit.
Two fuzzy bunnies.
Two fuzzy bunnies.
Two fuzzy bunnies.
Two fuzzy bunnies.
Um, did you order from Home Run?
Righteous.
Can you grab one end?
Oh, I-I have another delivery.
- What's your name?
- Sam.
Mine too.
What are the chances?
You have to give me a hand.
- It's the code of the Sams.
- Is that a thing?
There are 7 million Sams
in America,
and you're the first one
I've ever met
who doesn't know the code
of the Sams?
- I-I...
- Sams helping Sams.
That's our jam.
All right.
All right. Sweet.
Grab this end.
Uh, that'll be $24.75.
- Thank you.
- Do you have to go?
Well, after you pay, I go.
Piss.
Do you have to piss?
- What?
- I have this guy in here,
and he wants me to piss
on his face, but I already went.
I'll pay you $12.
Uh... no?
Prude.
I thought you was Mexicans.
Um, that'll be $8.98.
My change?
It's laundry day.
My Richard doesn't need this
in heaven.
- Oh. Oh, no, no, no.
- And it's exactly your size.
- I-I don't need this.
- Bless your heart.
Oh!
From one Sam to another,
you rule.
It's expired.
In four hours, my total earnings
are an expired
Applebee's coupon, a head cold,
and a sweater that smells
like racism.
It's your first day.
I took this job for the tips.
You need someone to make sure
you get the fat orders.
You?
The only movies I watch
are documentaries,
and when I go to the gym,
I listen to books.
I can satisfy all your physical
and intellectual needs.
I don't have any needs.
You're uncomfortable
because I'm authentic.
Delivery for Mill Basin.
Five pies in five.
That's outside our zone.
I'll do it.
- Where to, Mad Max?
- Uh, Mill Basin.
Five years ago,
I took an order to Mill Basin.
The fuckers stiffed me
for the tip
and slammed the door
in my face.
So I went through the window,
and everybody's boning...
like, dudes, chicks,
dogs and cats, a frog and shit.
So I'm in there getting it,
like, "Ribbit!"
Like everybody's all, "Unh!
Unh!"
And I passed the hat.
Made $32.
You go to Mill Basin
a delivery boy,
but you come back
a delivery man.
Hello?
Home Run Pizza.
Hi.
It's my first night.
Sorry.
Okay.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Oh, wait. My boss gets mad
if you don't sign.
Thank you, sir,
and have a wonderful night
and enjoy your pi...
Oh.
Excuse me!
Excuse me, sir!
I think you forgot to tip!
Please, please, please,
please, please.
Please...
You stupid...
Hello?
Excuse me!
I know you're home, sir!
We are gathered here tonight
to activate
our fullest potential.
For 17 years, we have achieved
unprecedented growth
thanks to team unity
and personal productivity.
So I'm saying to you right now,
be prepared for a major
paradigm shift,
because today is nonreturnable.
I haven't built my career
because I needed to help others.
- Excuse me. Sorry. Pardon me.
- I haven't sacrificed
all I have
because I needed friends.
I do what I do
because I love to make winners.
Are you ready to be a winner?
- Yes!
- Excuse me. I'm sorry.
But did you see a guy with a big
mustache, kind of dead eyes?
Are you ready to take back
what you are owed?
- Yes!
- Are you ready to just do it?
- Yes!
- Who are you?
I-I'm Sam.
What are you doing here?
I delivered pizza
for a guy here,
but he didn't tip, and I need
that tip for gas money.
I mean, if everyone here gave
a quarter, that'd be like...
Wait.
You don't know anyone here?
I mean, that would be
like almost $10.
- Yes!
- Are you ready
to fully commit yourselves
to Satan?
Yes!
- Everything helps.
- You can't be here.
Mill Basin is actually outside
our delivery zone.
You have to go.
Call forth the change driver!
We've... had a complication.
Complications are just
opportunities in disguise.
Change driver was not as pure
as she appeared.
Can she be salvaged?
She's no longer with us.
Seriously?
What did Samuel say?
Samuel wasn't happy
with my hands-on approach,
so I've put him somewhere
where he won't cause any...
backsliding.
This is Beltane, Danica.
It is a full moon!
We're summoning Baphomet.
We need a virgin.
Excuse me!
Um, sorry to interrupt
your party or, um, whatever,
but I'm the pizza guy...
oh, girl...
a-and someone here ordered five
large pies, one with sweet corn,
uh, and he paid with a card,
but he didn't tip.
So I just wanted to see if maybe
you guys would cover for him.
I-I just don't think it's fair
for me to drive
all the way out here
and not be able to cover
the cost of gas, so...
Who are you?
The pizza, uh, person.
And what are you doing
in my house?
Look, you guys.
You may live
in this nice neighborhood,
and I deliver pizza,
but we're not so different.
I mean, I have to make a living,
just like you.
So, you know, maybe if you could
pass the helmet,
the next time I'm busking
and someone says,
"Hey, what's with those stuck-up
snobs in Mill Basin?"
I'll say, "Hey. No.
They're actually pretty cool,"
right?
Busking?
Yeah, uh,
I sing my own material...
like, folk songs...
down by the aquarium.
Are you by any chance...
a virgin?
Um, that's a very personal
question.
She's a virgin.
Oh. Um, excuse me.
Can you, um,
can you let me go, please?
Excuse me. Hey. Hey.
Ow.
Guess you pissed off my bitch
whore of a wife as well.
Sorry.
Who are you?
Who am I?
I own this house.
Who the hell are you?
Um, I delivered that pizza.
You packing heat?
You come with anyone else?
What about fighting skills...
judo, karate, Krav Maga,
Filipino knife fighting?
All right.
Well, that was that.
Look, all I did
was ask for a tip.
I-I mean, I probably shouldn't
have come in the house,
but it's my first night,
so, you know, lesson learned.
Do you have any idea
what's happening here tonight?
Um, well, I work in a field
that pays $2.13 an hour
and my income is mostly based
off tips,
but everyone in there got
pissed off when I asked for one.
Okay, well, none of those people
are gonna tip you
because they're too busy
worshipping Satan,
and tonight they are summoning
Baphomet.
Like the band?
Like the triple-faced god
of hell.
And they're probably gonna
kill us tonight.
Well, they're definitely killing
me.
They're probably gonna kill you.
I don't know.
Oh, you must think
I'm a lot younger than I look.
I mean, Carl, my neighbor, he's
a Satanist and he's a vegan.
They are gonna render my fat
to make candles.
Okay.
Uh, I need to get back to work.
They are gonna cut
your tongue out.
They are gonna jam needles
into your eyes,
and that's them being merciful,
okay?
Just be happy
you're not a virgin.
I've spent the last 22 years
fending off horny dudes.
I think I can handle
a bunch of sexually repressed
suburban dads.
Oh, my God.
Are you a virgin?
That's a very personal question.
Christing hell.
This night just keeps getting
better and better and better.
Whoa. Hey.
Listen. Hey.
I need you to scrape together
whatever brain cells
you have left.
Rude.
Baphomet needs a virgin womb
to be born.
Okay? Do you understand
what I'm saying?
That's the only reason
you are alive right now, okay?
He is a big fucking demon
from hell,
and when that clock strikes
12:00, he is gonna rip you open!
I've seen that album cover.
You have any idea why the rich
stay rich and you stay screwed?
Mm, better healthcare.
Do you have any tools?
We're not going anywhere.
You should just accept that.
You want a hit?
Really good kush.
You won't feel a thing.
I've been on this delivery
for over an hour and a half.
I'm probably fired.
Aha.
My name is Samuel.
Oh. I'm Sam.
Cool. Same name.
Don't worry.
I won't even scratch the frame.
I suggest you stop fighting
this.
I bet you have a lot
of boyfriends.
I mean, if you count the guy
who got me this job
and now wants me to put out
so he'll send me on better runs,
then I think...
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Listen.
They need to sacrifice a virgin.
No virgin, no sacrifice.
Let me protect you.
- Oh!
- Come here.
Hey. I'm trying to save
your life, okay?
Stop fighting me here.
I'm trying to save...
Yeah. I'm gonna save you
whether you like it or not.
Look at what you made me do.
I'm a feminist!
Oh!
Duncan! Duncan! Duncan!
Please... Please help me!
Please!
You are way out of line.
- I didn't hear...
- Put it down.
Now, you...
I'm...
I'm not even a gun person.
Please.
One way or another, they aren't
getting their virgin.
Code of the Sams.
No. Code of the Sams.
And now the great work begins.
Oh, Samuel.
What did you do?
We were so close, Samuel.
We were almost there.
Sadly, you only have yourself
to blame.
It's your fault.
All right.
Where are ya?
I know that soul's around here
somewhere.
A little lower.
Little lower.
Okay.
Now we're getting close.
There you are.
All righty.
Ooh. Oh, it's so slippery.
Ah.
Okay.
There.
Thank you.
Run it under cold water and
bake it at 225 for 40 minutes.
Pack it with bay leaf, black
peppercorn, and graveyard dirt.
Use the big casserole tray.
Oh.
And, Danielle?
Not my good tray.
I think...
Your job is not to think.
Your job is to tell me
one thing, Gypsy.
Where the fuck is my virgin?
Please. Please. Please help.
Help me.
Oh, my gosh!
Are you okay?
- Please help me.
- Of course you're not okay.
What am I saying?
What happened?
I got attacked.
Call 911, please.
Was it a gang-initiation thing?
No. A-A man at the house down
the street, he tried to rape me.
That's bonkers.
We have to call 911.
I-I dropped my phone.
First thing,
we stop the bleeding.
My mom will kill me
if I get blood on anything.
I'm babysitting.
Oh, what does that pay?
Twenty-five an hour.
- Wow.
- I see your boobs.
Hey!
Back in the TV room, guys.
This is adults only.
Sorry.
Come oh.
Go, go, go.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm having a heck of a time
getting these two situated.
Here.
You're alone?
Just me and the monsters.
That's why your story
is so scary.
I don't think any of this
is mine.
You sure?
Your face is really pale.
Um, what did the police say?
Oh, I knew I was forgetting
something.
Here.
You need the sugar.
It'll keep you from going
into shock.
Hey!
You tell,
I'll say you touched my butt.
Wait. Are you allowed
to be watching this?
Hey. Hey!
Stay off the carpet, okay?
You must be freezing.
Police?
They said they're sending
someone right away.
We're supposed to sit tight.
He's dead!
Oh, he's just sleepy, sweetie.
You gave a child soda?!
- What is wrong with you?
- What did you put in that?
Shh.
I'm sorry I snapped.
Jordan's diabetic,
and refined sugar really throws
his system out of balance.
I don't want to hurt you.
Of course not.
Why would you want to hurt me?
- Don't move.
- I'm not moving.
Get her, sweetie!
Get that mean lady!
I'm sorry!
You motherfucker!
That is a child!
You'd better pray
he doesn't have a concussion!
Just leave me alone.
All you had to do
was drink your Coca-Cola,
but now you've created
a situation!
- Stay away!
- know girls like you.
You go to public school
and eat government cheese
and get pregnant
in the sixth grade!
Hey, babe.
What's all the racket?
Shred her, sis.
Who are you people?!
Slut.
Hey!
No. No.
No.
No. No, no.
No, no.
No. No. No.
No.
No, no.
No.
Hello?
That's a Kmart bra, so I'm
assuming you're not one of them.
Um, I-I'm Sam.
I deliver pizza.
What the fuck
are you waiting for? Untie me.
I'm having some trust issues
right now.
The enemy of your enemy
is your friend.
- What?
- The enemy of your en...
For fuck's sake, they were
about to bang me to death
with a giant killdo, okay?
Okay.
Now, wait.
Who are you?
None of your fucking business,
paper boy.
Pizza girl.
I don't give a flying monkey's
fuck sac.
Ow!
Look, we have to get out
of here.
What's this "we" shit?
I'm getting out of here.
You can go back to Domino's.
- I don't know what's happening!
- Yeah.
That's exactly why I want you
to stay the fuck away from me.
911. What's your emergency?
Hi. Yeah.
I'm at Mill Basin.
And I don't know
what's happening, but I'm...
What's your location, please?
Um, I-I don't know the address,
but it's... it's a big house,
scary-looking.
Um, it's, like,
on a deserted street.
I don't...
Idiot.
They're at Kim
and Steve's house.
You have the survival instincts
of a giant panda bear.
Stay the fuck away from...
Did you do that?
It was an accident.
You're a natural born killer.
Judi.
No.
I-I didn't mean to.
Get your big tits in gear.
They know we're here.
Oh.
Wait, wait.
This way.
Why do I smell your daughter?
That's her corpse
you're smelling.
Kim and Steven took care of her.
Okay.
Your whore daughter murdered
our girls, Danica.
What?
Why were Kristen and Michelle
with my daughter?
Oh. We, uh...
Did you kill my daughter
like I asked you to, Steven?
We gave her to the girls,
Danica.
You what?!
They were so excited
about killing her.
I know.
Oh!
- They wanted to, sweetie.
- Why did I do that?
I am seriously questioning
your leadership.
All right, people!
We will form three-person
kill teams.
We will split the neighborhood
into quadrants.
Go, go, go!
Don't be a fascist, Gypsy.
We didn't sell our souls so
we could clomp around outdoors
like a bunch of goddamn hippies.
Fascists get things done.
Oh.
Oh.
Thank you, Danielle.
Trivets.
Soul souffl, anyone?
Knife.
T-shirt.
Samuel, find me my virgin.
And that's why I lead
this coven.
Burn this.
Let's sneak back to my Vespa
and go.
A, I'm not getting caught dead
on a fucking Vespa,
and B, they're about to have
sick, fucked-up shit
all over these streets
in about five seconds.
All right.
This should keep out
the basics...
spirit dogs, slipskins,
grind guts,
the gray man, night hags...
anything that walks or crawls.
Demons won't cross salt
without counting every grain.
It's one of their rules.
Fuckers have more rules
than Yahtzee.
Demons are obsessed with laws,
codes, rituals...
all that type-A shit.
What are you talking about?
Those were just people.
Oh, was that just people
back there...
a girl I've known my entire life
about to hump me to death
with her H.R. Giger love stick?
Okay. They're nuts,
but they're not wizards.
We have to go.
Whoever lives here
is gonna come home.
No one's gonna be home
before sun-up.
Let's just call the police
or... or get out of here,
but we can't stay here.
Oh, my God.
You're like a big retarded baby.
My mom and her butt buddies
are booty-calling Baphomet,
and we're gonna hide in here
like scared little bitches
because they can turn your liver
into fire ants.
If they find us,
they're not going to kill us.
They're gonna do shit
that you can't comprehend.
And they're not going to stop
until you're strapped naked
to a barbed-wire altar
with the 15-foot
beast of Gehenna
and his double-pronged
demon dong
walking out of your cooch chute
like it's a revolving door
of ground beef.
Why am I even listening to you?
You're one of them.
That's the first smart thing
you've said today.
Look, I'm going upstairs
and I'm getting a shirt,
and then I'm getting out
of here.
Stay or go.
It's your choice.
That's cute.
You think we have choices.
Two fuzzy bunnies.
Two fuzzy bunnies.
Two fuzzy bunnies.
Two fuzzy bunnies.
No!
Sam!
I got you.
I got you.
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
Come on. You're gonna be okay.
I got you.
Help me!
Was I just attacked by a sheet?
Yes.
Well, technically a haxan cloak.
It's gone!
Your haxan cloak failed.
This wouldn't be the first time
you were wrong.
I know you have
some of Judi's hair.
Give it to me.
We want to find the girls,
not kill them.
Your daughter lost
her virginity,
your husband lost our virgin,
and your haxan cloak failed.
Someone needs to take charge.
And you're volunteering?
It is five hours until sunrise.
We don't have time
for a weak leader.
Now give me her hair
and get out of my way.
Is this how everyone feels?
Our... Our children are dead,
Danica.
Danielle?
I see.
Then I'll prepare the altar.
We'll do it.
This rookie needs a clean slate.
Oh. Here.
The tramp dropped this.
She got a call.
Wasn't dropping
a veil of shadows
over our activities your job?
Make the witness disappear
if you think you can handle it.
Mind the carpet.
Home-schooled, black Amex,
new Saab... all when I was 15.
I was the shit.
And then tonight, they summon
Baphomet's big hairy ass
and let him do
all this sick shit
and he makes them super rulers
of the universe.
And you?
Apparently, Baphomet only
travels through virgin vag.
Doesn't end well for the virgin.
Wait.
You're a virgin?
President of
the Promise Keepers.
As soon as I found out
why they wanted my cherry,
I didn't even want to.
Found the first guy I could
and boned down.
We should stop drinking.
You really want to face
this shit sober?
I've seen three people die
tonight
and was just attacked
by some really expensive sheets.
So I don't really know
what to think right now.
Welcome to the world
behind the world.
As above, so below.
- Hi, is this Sam's friend?
- This is Duncan.
Oh, this is Duncan.
Oh, she would not stop talking
about you.
That doesn't surprise me.
Well, I met Sam on Tinder,
but she turned out to be
a real disappointment.
All she did was cry and talk
about you, so I threw her out.
Then I saw she left her phone,
and, well, I thought I'd go
straight to the source.
I'm a bit of a size queen,
to be honest with you.
You are?
Well, it's uncut.
Oh.
That's very impressive.
Well, I have an eight ball of
cocaine and feel empty inside.
Why don't you come over
and fill me up?
Need me
to stop and grab anything?
Scented oils?
The... The kind that warm...
warm things up?
Trust me...
I'm only interested
in your body.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Um, I-I have to
tell you something.
You have feelings for me?
Have another drink.
They'll pass.
No.
I'm a virgin.
What?
How the fuck
is that possible?
I had a boyfriend,
but he just couldn't perform.
- I mean, he's gone now, but...
- We're fucked.
I mean, I-I don't... I don't
mind if we have to...
Uh, yeah,
I-I see what you're doing.
No, I know
what you're thinking,
but even if I stuck
a fucking candle up your cooch,
it's strictly dickly
when it comes to black magic.
- I'm sorry.
- Your boyfriend's limp dick
is gonna get us killed.
As soon as... Hey.
You're bleeding.
Oh, no.
- Oh, no, no.
- What?
They have my hair.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Sam, hurry.
We have to seal my skin.
It's the only way.
Write this.
Start on my feet.
Fuck.
Okay.
Fuck!
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
I'm drawing it.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
- Hurry, hurry.
- I'm trying, I'm trying.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God. What is happening?
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Keep going.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I ca... I can't do this.
I just...
I just want to go home.
I was supposed to be
a gore streak on a mattress.
And you beat them.
Write.
I can't, I can't.
Tell me a story.
Once upon a time, there was
a boy named Harry Potter.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- I don't know what to say!
I never had a boyfriend.
Tell me about yours.
What, about Daniel?
Um... Um, he could do the entire
"Road Warrior" movie,
including sound effects,
from memory.
Um, I met him
at my first day at AYAO.
Uh, AYAO... the Adolescent
Young Adult Oncology Center.
I had to stay there
for my chemo.
I'll never love anyone else.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
We were in and out of AYAO
for two years,
and he taught me a mantra
for when I get tense.
Um, it's... it's silly
and it's goofy,
but I just focus on
two fuzzy bunnies
until they're the only thing
in the entire world,
and it just
totally blocks out all the pain.
Aah!
Finish my back!
- Finish my back!
- Um! Um...
I had Hodgkin's lymphoma,
and he had leukemia.
Don't stop!
I had to stay at the hospital
for my chemo infusions,
so after each one
he'd roll his chair to my door
and do the "Road Warrior"
to make me laugh.
He told me that Australia
was the greatest country
in the world.
Um, I wrote him songs
about wallabies and wombats
and kangaroos,
and the first time we kissed
was after I sang to him
about the rainbow lorikeets.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Don't... Don't stop.
- Don't stop.
- Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
We were gonna celebrate
our first cancerversary
by going to Australia together.
But, um, after I went
into remission, Daniel didn't.
Two weeks after they told me
I was cancer-free,
he went back into AYAO.
I wanted to visit him,
but I couldn't.
I mean, no one blamed me.
Everyone understood.
But the fact is he never gave up
on me, and I gave up on him.
I ran away.
Judi?
Don't stop.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
No! Come on!
Come on, come on, come on.
Death to the weak.
- Come on, come on.
- Wealth to the strong.
Come on.
That Viking whore!
She taught her daughter
the book.
Fuck!
The party has arrived,
motherfuckers.
Enter freely.
You got lady balls.
People like you normally look
at someone like me and think,
"This guy is living
the frequency?
I can't handle."
Grade-A melting-snowflake,
skin-shivering cocaine.
Like an icy waterfall
inside your brain.
Uh...
Yeah.
Oh!
Uh, do you have a beer?
IPA? Light beer is fine.
I just...
I have to drive.
Later.
Quitter.
Relax.
Snort.
Okay.
- Oh, more?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
- Now, tell me...
- Hmm?
How do you feel?
How do I feel?
Um...
How do... How do I feel?
Uh...
I feel amazing.
Ow.
Come back.
What are you doing?
What's...
What's wrong with my legs?
What are you...
What are you...?
What'd you do to my legs?
What'd you do to me?
Uh-huh.
Yep.
There we go.
Uh-huh.
You're going to help me
find my daughter.
Mm-hmm.
Where are the girls, huh?
G-Girls...
You're going to tell me
exactly what I need to know.
I can't... I can't hear you.
What's that?
Oh, now we're talking.
All right.
Where are they?
Where are these girls, huh?
Okay.
Fucking unbelievable, Mom.
When they were focused
on killing me,
you could've
gotten the fuck out of here.
That's what I would've done.
I don't
leave my friends behind anymore.
Yeah, I guess
we are friends, huh?
I-I mean, do you know any magic
that can protect us?
I know they've got one
around here somewhere.
Gotcha.
That's not gonna stop them.
They're stronger than us.
- So, what happened?
- What?
Your story.
You holed up in your house.
Then what?
Now?
Um, now I'm trying.
You know, I-I've been busking,
and I went and got a job,
and tonight
was my first night.
This was supposed to be my big
day to turn everything around.
You're right, Sam.
They are stronger than us.
They're ruthless, selfish,
and they'll slit each other's
throats to kiss satanic ass.
But you know what we are?
What?
You're a blue-collar badass
that just won't quit,
and I'm a spoiled brat
with a gun.
They don't stand a chance.
I can't believe it.
Huh!
Now, this is what's known
as situational irony.
Oh. Spell didn't work?
Well...
You taught your daughter
the book!
She knows how to skin seal.
You were
never gonna give her up!
I found them.
- They're at...
- Wait!
Damn it, Kim.
- What?
- Yeah, we talked about this.
You know what to do?
Yes.
You scared?
Me too.
Can you read those, honey?
No.
No, I can't, Gary, okay?
I can't read his guts.
That was Danica's department.
Well, we have two hours.
I know that, Gary!
I can tell time.
The worst part...
the worst part, Gary...
I saw this coming.
I saw this years ago.
Answer your fucking phone!
Airplane mode?
What the shit?
Oh.
God!
Hello?
Gypsy.
Judi.
You want to lead the coven?
Why would you help me?
Because my whore mother
tried to kill me.
No, no, no.
Not good enough.
You have my hair,
and I don't want to spend
the rest of my life on the run.
I want back in.
I have the virgin.
Where are you?
Check your caller I.D.
You little bitch!
Okay.
The virgin is at my house.
We have two hours, people.
Does anyone here
contest my right to lead?
Let's show some hustle,
people!
Let's go!
Where is she?
I know she's in here.
Where is she?
It's happening, Gary.
Where is she?
I know she's in here.
This is the moment.
This is happening, Gary.
Okay.
No, no, wait!
Damn it, Kyle.
Baphomet,
king of the witches,
lord of the Knights of Templar,
triple-face fuck monster
of remorseless intent
and illuminator
of poisonous knowledge,
give me strength
in my hour of need.
Help me find them, Baphomet.
This one thing I ask.
Judi?
Judi?!
Judi?
Judi!
Judi! Judi! Judi!
Judi! Judi!
Judi! Judi! Judi! Judi!
Judi! Judi! Judi! Judi!
Judi! Judi! Judi! Judi!
Judi! Judi! Judi! Judi!
Judi! Judi! Judi! Judi!
Judi! Judi! Judi! Judi!
Judi!
- You okay?
- Uh-huh.
We're in the Vale of Shadows.
It's all fucked up.
We got to go.
I knew no daughter of mine
would give Gypsy Neumieir
the time of day.
Well done, sweetie.
Fuck you.
That's no way
to talk to your mother.
It's time to go home.
Bring your friend.
You tried to kill me!
- Details.
- Run, Sam.
Oh, Samantha,
I'm afraid Judi
may have
given you the impression
that there's some escape.
No, my millennial moppet.
- We're inevitable.
- Shut up, Mom.
Judi, don't make this personal.
I'm not happy about it either.
You think I like running around
in silly robes
murdering my children?
But you got to either get in the
game or sit on the sidelines.
You don't have to do this.
There's no other way.
Do you think killing me
is gonna change the world?
You pull that trigger and the
sun will still come up tomorrow,
only you'll be just like her.
Oh! Maybe she'll get you a job
at her pizza parlor.
Go.
Wouldn't you rather spend
a few years on your feet
than a lifetime
on your knees?
What life did you leave me?!
You die, then me.
We don't get to choose
the world, sweetheart.
- One...
- If you want anything good,
- you have to take it.
- ...two...
You're young,
so I'm trying to be patient.
- ...three.
- Forget something?
Are you kidnapping
my daughter?
She'll thank me later.
Come on.
What do you have to offer her
but plastic shower curtains
and Walmart sweatpants?
All I see are a bunch
of Martha Stewart wannabes
who drink white wine
and smoke medical marijuana
and listen to '80s playlists.
We run the world.
You're assholes.
That little membrane
between your legs
is the only thing that gives
your sad little life any value.
I'm not letting you touch us.
I hate to admit it, but you're
starting to annoy me.
Sam?
Sam.
Sam.
Sam?
Sam.
You were right.
I really...
I really screwed up.
No gaps. We don't want
any uninvited guests.
Danielle.
The past is the past.
What matters now
is the great working.
This is yours.
Danica...
I washed it.
Uh...
I only wanted what was best
for the group.
Gypsy just wanted
what was best for Gypsy.
Have the balls to own it.
But it's okay.
I understand.
I understand what it's like
to be under so much pressure.
Yeah.
Almost like you're at the bottom
of the sea.
All that water
pressing you down, crushing you,
filling your lungs.
And you can't breathe
and you can't move
and you can't speak,
and you panic and you struggle,
but it's no use.
Drowning is the worst feeling
in the world.
Danica?
We're sorry what happened.
You thought you were
backing a winner.
I understand.
Uh, Kim's sorry in particular
for, you know, uh, putting a...
a spike through your skull.
I'll squat in the dirt
and piss on your grave
before I forgive you.
You picked your side.
Now live with it.
Oh!
Mom.
Please let me go.
I'm sorry.
- No, don't beg her.
- I'll do whatever you want.
I'm getting us home.
In five minutes,
you are going to have
your very first
sexual encounter,
lose your virginity,
and give birth
all at the same time,
courtesy of the great Baphomet.
Fear is appropriate.
Don't listen.
She's just a sad old lady
with fake lips and a bony ass.
If I wasn't
in such a good mood,
I'd cut out your tongue
for that.
This is where our lord
will be born tonight.
It's going to hurt.
I guarantee it.
Mom...
I'll do whatever you want.
Please.
Children, b-babies.
I-I'll bring you babies.
- I'll... I'll be your breeder.
- Shh.
I gave you the greatest honor,
and you spat in my face.
Your generation
doesn't understand sacrifice.
What's going to happen next
barely begins to express
my disappointment.
Are you ready to break the
chains of conventional morality
- that stifle our ambitions?
- Yes!
Are you ready to make
an investment in your future?
Yes!
And whose power unlocks
our true potential?
Hail Satan!
- Who?
- Hail Satan!
I can't hear you.
Hail Satan! Hail Satan!
Hail Satan!
And who do we welcome here
tonight?
Who is his emissary
that we summon?
Hail Baphomet,
lord of achievement!
Hail Baphomet,
master of slaves!
Hail Baphomet,
god of success!
Hail Baphomet,
bringer of wealth!
Hail fourfold,
bringer of joy!
Tonight, we set aside the ways
of the old world...
love, empathy, and compassion.
Those are the old tools.
Join me in the invocation.
We invoke thee, Baphomet,
light bringer.
I am, I think, I will!
I am the sanction,
I am the warrant.
I am, I think, I will!
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak!
Wealth to the strong!
Please, please, help me!
Wealth to the strong.
I am, I think, I will!
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
I am, I think, I will!
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
I am, I think, I will!
Death to the weak.
I am, I think, I will!
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
- I am, I think, I will!
- Help me, please!
Please, help!
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Help, please!
Wealth to the strong.
The holy one comes.
Hail Satan.
Please.
Hail Baphomet.
Hail Satan.
Hail Baphomet.
Wealth to the strong.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
No, help, help!
No!
No, no, no, no, no!
No! No, no, no!
Help me, please!
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Help!
Ohhh!
Oh!
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
You!
You!
Ohh!
You fucking bug-eyed,
fun-sized asshole!
You turtleneck-wearing,
egghead cheap fuck!
All you had to do was tip,
you cheap bastard!
My God, who puts corn on pizza,
you disgusting fuck?!
You no-tipping, cheap-ass,
Baby Gap-shopping
turd on ice!
Fuck!
Protect its womb!
Get back!
Don't hurt it.
I will stab him right through
the fucking skull.
You're making a huge mistake.
Get her chains off now.
Samantha.
Get her chains off now!
This is all your fault.
No!
Judi, no!
Prepare her vile gate
for his birth.
No!
No! No! Fuck!
No!
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
I am, I think, I will.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Come, Baphomet!
Come to us,
your worthy servants,
and place us above all others
by virtue of our excellence.
Two fuzzy bunnies.
Two fuzzy bunnies.
Two fuzzy bunnies.
Two fuzzy bunnies.
Sam!
Whee!
Sammy!
You shouldn't be here.
Isn't this funny?
Who are you?
My name's Samaziel.
I'm from hell.
Someone made an oopsie.
Wait, did you make
everyone disappear?
There are 11 princes in hell,
and I'm way up here.
And that stinky Baphomet
is way down there,
and worshipping him first
is against the rules,
and breaking the rules
makes me poopy.
What did you do?
Silly billies.
They think they're so strong.
There's always someone stronger.
I'll show them.
Spin me!
There's always someone
stronger
There's always someone
meaner
There's always someone
stronger
There's always someone
meaner
I'm the biggest meanie
of them all.
Bunnies!
So, what happens now?
Mr. Bunny's gonna teach them
a lesson.
Uh, and what about me?
You're going to have to
ask Mr. Bunny.
Uh, what about me, Mr. Bunny?
Mr. Bunny says
you helped me tonight.
So we'll kill you fast.
Uh, look, can't Mr. Bunny
just let me go home?
Mr. Bunny's a meanie.
Code of the Sams.
What?
Y-You said that breaking
the rules makes you poopy.
What about code of the Sams?
Samaziel.
Sam.
I mean, you have to help me.
It's... It's the rule.
You made that up.
Are you sure?
'Cause there's like
seven million Sams in the world,
and you're the first one
I've ever met
that's never heard of
the code of the Sams.
It's Sams helping Sams.
It's our jam.
You're a liar.
Look, you have all these
other people to play with.
Wouldn't you rather be safe
than sorry?
Sam...
What?
Run.
I don't need your help
or your hatred
You stay the fuck
away from me
Hear the scratch of the rats
in the walls
I am, I think, I will!
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
I am, I think, I will.
Death to the weak.
Wealth to the strong.
Led me here
Said, "Hold my hand"
A young nymph defiled then
My body fights itself inside
I feel it bow
This mortal hold
Come on!
Please, please, please, please.
Please start, please start.
Please, please.
Come on, come on!
Oh, thank you.
You carrier
You repulse me
Heard the sound of her knees
scrape against the street
You, the dirty one
What you took from me
There was nothing left
but hypocrisy
Holy odium, blotted memory
But my regret
will never consume me
The ocean's licking tongue
A letting of the blood
A vile prophecy
Scrape it out of me
Looks like
you had a fun night.
Where's my thermal bag?
You can't bring a rodent
in here.
She's not a rodent.
She's Judi Jr.
Where the hell
you think you're going?
Australia.
There are more things
in heaven and earth
Than can be dreamt of
I wonder how far above
I wonder how far above
In death I'll love you more
In death I'll love you more
Wings don't always
mean you're good
And sometimes evil
is misunderstood
There is a fire burning
deep within my heart
I'll never let it hurt you
I'll never let it stop
In death I'll love you more
In death I'll love you more
Our souls coalesce
Our wasted flesh
Is all that's left
of mortal age
Disappear, disintegrate
The substance of which
we were made
And still forever one
We shall rem-a-a-a-ain
In death I'll love you more
I'll love you more
In death I'll love you more
I'll love you
mo-o-o-o-o-re