(STATIC)
(SCREAM)
I got nothin'.
(CHILD CRYING)
Was that a kid?
(CHILD CRYING)
I thought our ghost
was an escaped convict.
It is.
(DRIP)
It's blood.
CHAD: Oh, Jesus.
Is it yours?
No.
Hamlet.
Hamlet, come on.
(FIGURE GROWLING)
(ALL GASPING)
CHAD: Uh, guys?
GWEN: (WHISPERING)
Shh, Chad.
(SCUTTLING)
(FIGURE GROWLING)
It's a projection.
(BABY CRIES)
What the shit?
Can I help you?
(WHINES)
NANCY: There's no
such thing as ghosts.
Just cruddy old perverts,
politicians,
and real estate developers.
When we first got together,
we hunted ghosts.
Sometimes aliens,
moss monsters,
the occasional scary robot.
Now we know what we're
really after is people...
people with something to hide.
People who want everyone
to think there are ghosts.
My best friend Gwen and I
co-founded the gang
our freshman year at Oberlin.
She's a great partner
in business,
and an even better partner
in fighting crime.
Chad's our sound guy,
and he also brings the van.
He's the only one of us
who actually believes
in the paranormal,
so he's probably great
to have around
in case we ever
find something real.
Before we found him,
Floyd repaired robots
at a haunted Showbiz Pizza
in Seattle.
Now he's the rocking-est
resident gearhead
a girl could ask for.
Hamlet's his dog.
Part Great Dane,
part something else,
and all affection.
He's the muscle.
And I'm Nancy,
just a few months shy of getting
my private detective's license,
and already years
into debunking shady shit.
We rip off the masks
so the authorities
can slap on the cuffs.
We're really good.
We get to
the bottom of things.
Just ask these assholes...
on visitors day...
at the pen...
in Huntsville.
So, you think you busted up
a kiddy-porn ring, huh?
We're so glad you guys
got here when you did.
The situation here was,
these guys had a cover story
of a dead convict
haunting the place.
CHAD: Totally fake.
We even bought high-8
and actually record the ghosts.
CHAD: We can surrender
those to you, if you want.
NANCY: They were scaring everybody
away from ever coming in,
so that nobody was finding out
what they were doing.
Shut the fuck up!
We've had this
staked out for months.
Fuckin' months.
We have videotape of them
bringing in the kids.
CHAD: Officer, we have...
We have wiretaps!
We were building a case.
You waltz in
and fuck it all up.
What do you think this is,
some Saturday morning
cartoon show?
(WHINES)
I don't watch television.
We're just
doing our jobs.
We're paranormal
investigators.
Oh, so you're
Ghostbusters.
You know what happens
to real detectives?
They get killed!
(WOMAN SCREAMING IN CRUISER)
Listen, we got in there before
anything happened to those kids, okay?
Nothing happened to them
because of us.
Yeah, where were you guys?
Whoa, you didn't do shit
but taint evidence
and fuck
our investigation.
These guys are gonna be
out before happy hour,
probably at the carnival,
in line at the Zipper,
if you know what I mean.
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
What, are you trying to get
in touch with your inner child?
Fuck your inner child.
(SCREAMING)
So I can call my parents again
and get a loan for us at 15%,
but we haven't paid off
the last one yet.
You still owe me money
for one of those installments,
by the way.
Do you guys think
that that was
cow's blood in there?
It was pig's blood,
or something, you know?
NANCY:
This is just total crap.
And who does that?
And you...
And you licked it.
How were we
supposed to know
it was
a sting operation, okay?
I mean, what the hell?
It's total crap, right?
Right?
It's total crap?
CHAD: Yes, it's total crap.
Yes.
Yes.
NANCY: It is total crap.
Are we talking
about the blood,
or are
we talking about...
I think we're talking
about the situation.
No, we're talking
about what happened today.
Did you hear the way those
cops were talking to us,
like we were juveniles
or something?
Well...
They weren't very nice.
You save the kids
from pedophiles,
and you don't
even get paid for it.
How would you make
that sustainable?
Well, I was thinking
that maybe
we should refine
our business model.
CHAD: That's a good idea.
Okay, I agree,
but what do we do?
I mean, how do we figure
out a way to?
Nance, you have to look
on the bright side.
CHAD: We'll figure it out.
I can call my parents
anytime.
No. Remember that
department store job?
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
I could work
at the pool again.
(RINGS)
Hello?
MAN: Oh, Nancy.
This is Mike Ryan from
Buford National Bank.
Hi.
Uh, calling about
our haunted house.
NANCY: Yes...
It is potentially
a paying job.
By all means.
All right, sir, I'm
gonna work on this.
You have pig blood
all over you.
CHAD: We don't know
if it's pig blood.
Ooh, you know what, I didn't
tell you this, but...
I don't have
my period anymore.
Oh, really?
RYAN: That's great.
Do you think you can do
that for that price?
Yeah, absolutely.
Nancy, that would
be really terrific,
'cause, you know, this ghost
stuff, you would not believe.
It's just...
NANCY: We've
seen some crazy stuff.
Yeah, I mean, okay.
Can I ask you one thing?
Um, this place is...
It's really bad, and,
um, it's not like I believe in
ghosts or anything like that,
but you do have a...
You do have
a contingency plan, right,
just in case...
(RUSTLING NOISE)
NANCY: Oh, no worries.
I mean,
we'll figure it out,
whatever it is.
Okay, great,
'cause, you know,
you'd literally
be saving my life.
(OLD MAN COUGHING)
Yeah.
YOUNG WOMAN: Shut up.
CHAD: Well, well.
You guys
want to be alone?
Hello.
What are you doin', buddy?
What are you guys doing?
Just hanging out.
Creepy.
Um, were
you just hanging out
with the busboy
out there?
Who's your new friend?
So I was stuck in this place
for four weeks.
My face is peeling,
I can't take a shit.
Okay.
But it's cool, 'cause I'm
taking like 18 pills a day.
Mm-hmm.
18 pills a day...
Look, I'm sorry.
Your card was declined.
I tried it a couple times.
It'd be like
I'm on the tit, right?
'Cause it's for cash.
CHAD: Okay.
RYAN: That's great.
Yes.
That's great. I can't
guarantee anything,
but if you can
put it to rest
by the end
of the weekend,
I might be able to work out a
little bonus for you, okay?
NANCY:
That would be fantastic.
RYAN: Okay, okay, so
tomorrow we'll see you.
Tomorrow.
6:30, meet me
at the house?
NANCY:
We can absolutely do that.
Great. See you then.
NANCY: Bye.
RYAN: Bye.
Did you
have a good call?
Do you think every place
is your house?
OLD MAN: Help me.
GWEN: Those are
like the kind of jobs
that you're
not supposed to take,
and you always
take those jobs.
FLOYD: I need money,
or you can't take a shit.
But I couldn't... Okay!
CHAD: So you hustled?
You hustled, right?
FLOYD: I hustled.
Yeah?
CHAD: Yeah?
Oh!
NANCY: Yeah!
(LAUGHING)
No, I'm not gonna work
here no more, man.
What are you worried
about, Pedro?
They're coming
this weekend, man.
They're gonna prove
that there's no ghosts.
Naw, Man.
Exterminados fantasmos, man!
I'm not working
here anymore.
This house
is fucked up, bro.
What?
Come on.
(BRANCH CREAKING)
(OWL HOOTS)
(BRANCH SNAPS)
Hey! Pedro!
Come on, man! Please!
No more chupacabra,
no more spirito,
no more diablo.
Pedro!
Manuel?
Javier.
Shit!
(INDISTINCT VOICE
RASPING)
All right.
All right, you're
gonna be that way.
Be that way.
(MUFFLED LAUGHTER
COME ON OUT OF THERE.
COME ON OUT OF THERE, MAN.
(CACKLING)
All right, show yourself,
come on.
(LAUGHTER)
Whoa!
All right, where are you?
Come on out of there.
All right,
you gonna mess with me?
Come on out
where I can see you.
Come on, I'm ready for ya.
Let's go.
Let's go!
Come on, show your face!
Come on!
Aah!
(ALT ROCK MUSIC)
# Now maybe
# I didn't mean
to treat you bad #
NANCY: All right. Old Kyser
place, let's talk about it.
Um, it was built in 1913.
There's been a history of some
reported Satanic activity
going on over the years.
Cult rituals,
that sort of thing.
GWEN:
What kind of Satanists?
Aleister Crowley
or Anton Lavey?
Uh, I don't think the bank's hip
to that sort of thing, Gwen.
Um, it sat vacant
for a little while
till the bank hired
some maintenance crews
and construction guys,
but they keep
getting scared away
because of all the weird stuff
that's going on.
Did they order a full
package or a half package?
Full package, baby.
Yeah. That's
my little saleslady.
(ENGINE REVVING)
FLOYD: What's wrong, Chad?
Are you scared?
CHAD: No, I'm just...
I'm having a little trouble
with the accelerator.
NANCY: Is that
what that noise is?
Did you touch
the accelerator?
No, I changed the oil and
put, uh, antifreeze in it.
I didn't ask you
to change the antifreeze,
because it's
an air-cooled engine.
I...
Equipment, what do we got?
Um, we got tapes,
but we need a shitload
of nine-volts though...
It sorta...
It smells weird.
Chad, what are you doing?
Yeah, well,
we gotta pull over.
There's something wrong
with the car.
Hold on,
we gotta pull over.
FLOYD: Where are we?
Wait, we're stopping here?
Ah, I hate this.
Shit.
I changed this.
It's antifreeze.
You, you put the oil in...
It's antifreeze...
You put oil in it.
FLOYD: I don't
drive your van, man.
CHAD: This is any car.
Any car is like this.
FLOYD: No, man,
I fix robots, not vans.
CHAD: Robots have
engines, don't they?
FLOYD: No, they
don't have antifreeze.
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
Are you sure
you put it in here?
No, I mean, I put it
in front of this thing.
Ah, Jesus.
Are you on drugs, Floyd?
Well, that
doesn't look good.
Looks like you might need
some coolant or something.
Yeah, we've definitely
seen better days.
Be happy to take a look.
Officer, do you know how far
it is to the Kyser place?
Yeah, actually there's a
pretty good Mexican place
just up the road.
Um, they have
really good enchiladas.
And there's a pretty nice
little reasonable motel
that's attached
to it, so...
Oh, no, again, we don't...
We don't need a motel.
We stay the night,
it's what we do.
GWEN: It's part
of our job, so...
It's like video surveillance
throughout the nighttime.
It's part
of our deliverables.
OFFICER LANCE: Oh, yeah, I guess
they did mention something
about that, yeah.
I guess I thought...
I thought they would send...
maybe send someone with you,
like a security guard.
NANCY: Oh, well,
that's not necessary.
We don't need that.
I mean, this is our job.
It's what we do.
GWEN: Yeah, we can take
care of ourselves.
But, I mean, do you have
any sort of suggestions
or information that you think
we might need to know that...
LANCE: I would suggest
staying at the motel.
Oh...
Yeah, I really don't
think they've told y'all
enough about the place.
So how long you been
into this paranormal stuff?
Oh, you know,
just, like, since college.
(GATE CREAKS)
I bet you wanted to be a cop
ever since you were a kid.
Ah, I don't know.
It's my job.
GWEN: Wow.
NANCY: Wow!
I mean, it's amazing.
It's all right.
NANCY: This is beautiful.
CHAD: This place is
totally fuckin' haunted.
CHAD: You think the water's
okay to drink?
Yeah.
Yeah, it tastes fine.
Maybe the guy from the bank
is here already.
LANCE: Yeah, I didn't see
any other cars,
so I think you guys might
be on your own, actually.
Oh, that's fine.
That's
not a problem.
(SWITCH CLICKING)
I have a little bit of time.
I could show you around
a little bit if you want.
Yeah. Yeah, that
would actually be great.
I'm sure you'd be
better at it
than the guys
from the bank anyway.
Yeah, maybe.
You know, it looks
like the bank's
actually done a pretty good job
of cleaning it up,
because they want
to sell it.
But they can't keep
maintenance people around.
Hence, a pile of sticks
on the floor.
CHAD: That's a pentagram.
Yeah, that figures.
Kids are always breaking in
here with their Ouija boards,
doing their
little ceremonies,
trying
to scare each other.
GWEN: Do you know
what kind of occult practices
they're using?
Uh, sticks
on the floor, I guess.
Apparently, a place
is empty long enough,
they forget
it's private property.
NANCY: Do you know
any actual history
about the place
that you could tell us?
LANCE: It actually has a
pretty interesting history.
There are these people,
the Kysers,
buy the place
back in the fifties
after they come
into a bunch of oil money,
which they apparently
took as
some kind of sign
from God or something.
They have
this big conversion,
and they have some vision
that this is holy ground
or something,
so they buy the place,
put up a church.
What kind of church?
LANCE: It was, uh...
It was Christian.
Did have a little bit of Eastern
religion mixed in there.
It was
actually pretty popular
with people from
the town for a while.
And then
it became unpopular.
NANCY: Why is that?
LANCE: Well, you know, some
of the people from town
got weirded out, I guess,
by the whole
Eastern religion thing.
People started saying
it was a cult.
It was around that time
that the county decided
they wanted to take
the land to build a mall.
CHAD: That fireplace is
off the charts.
LANCE: They had
a little school here
that went
with their church.
Wasn't bad.
Parents actually had me
out here for a little while.
You went to school here?
LANCE: Yeah, I was in class
with their daughter Mona.
She wasn't a bad kid.
But, uh, yeah, until
my parents pulled me out.
Oh, yeah?
Why is that?
LANCE: Well, supposedly the
Kysers were pretty nasty drunks
before their
whole religious conversion.
So I guess with the cult rumors
and the, uh, land dispute,
they, uh, got back
on the sauce,
and their kids
started showing up places
with weird marks on their
faces, shit like that.
So they liked
to party, huh?
You do the math.
LANCE: Anyway, there's a really
cool staircase over here.
(CREAKING SOUND)
Some really nice
metalwork right here.
Pretty ornate.
FLOYD: Yeah, I was... I was
thinking the same thing.
It's pretty ornate.
Solid oak banister,
too, I believe.
So whatever happened
to the Kyser family?
Uh, all that stuff with the
land dispute and the cult stuff
just kind of got
more and more ugly,
and, uh,
next thing you know,
people are saying
that they're Satanists.
They're trying to indoctrinate
kids into Satanism,
involving them
in animal sacrifices.
I never saw
any animal sacrifices, but...
Now, obviously, no mall.
FLOYD: Who is this guy?
LANCE: So people
started saying the state
should take custody
of the kids,
and, next thing you know,
Mona and Frankie Kyser
disappear.
And, naturally,
everyone starts saying
that their parents sacrificed
their kids to the Devil
and burned them up
in the incinerator.
Police show up a few days
later to investigate,
nobody's here,
and, uh, Mr. and Mrs. Kyser
turn up in a motel room
a few miles away, dead.
Mrs. Kyser had her head
bashed in with a TV,
and Mr. Kyser had, uh,
blown his brains out.
(SQUEAK)
Blah!
Aah!
God damn it, Floyd!
Kids come in here and get
all high on whatever,
say they see ghosts,
demons.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Kid fell out this window
and broke his neck.
(WINDOW THUDS)
CHAD: We gotta put
a camera in this room.
They found
a leg over here.
NANCY: Has anyone lived
here since the Kysers?
LANCE: Yeah,
about 15 years ago,
there was a couple
that lived here.
What happened to them?
LANCE: They died.
Multiple stab wounds
to each other.
In the kitchen is
where we found them.
Well, this place is fucked up.
It's a pain in my ass,
tell you that much.
There's people say that the
Kysers opened up a gate to Hell.
I don't know about that,
but if you guys find it, maybe
you can charge admission.
(VIBRATION)
CHAD'S VOICE: Gate to Hell,
gate to Hell.
Gate to Hell, that's it!
This place is evil.
The Kysers were Satanists,
so they they built their school
on hallowed ground
and indoctrinated
the children into blood rituals
so they could open
a gate to Hell.
MAN'S VOICE:
They fear God.
CHAD'S VOICE: Oh, my God.
My God!
They sacrificed
their own children
to appease
the Prince of Darkness!
They will possess
the weak-minded.
I must warn Floyd!
I must not fear. Must not fear.
I must not fear.
Fear.
Fear is the mind killer.
(CREAKING)
CHAD: Guys!
LANCE: Yeah, so what'd
you think so far?
I think it's amazing.
I'm really excited.
Well, I know what
you're gonna say next.
That, you know...
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
You're professionals,
and this is what you do...
You got it.
And you're fine,
staying here all night,
but I wouldn't mind stopping by
when my shift is over,
if that's okay.
Yeah.
It would
make me feel better.
This place
is for real, guys.
Why don't we put
a camera on him?
Can you not do that, please?
(WHISPERS)
Are they flirting?
Nope.
Are you jealous?
No, I'm over that.
Okay.
I have my card here,
if you need anything
in the meantime.
It does have
my car phone number,
as well
as my office phone.
Got it.
So if you need anything
at all,
feel free to call
either of those numbers.
All right, I will.
I'm sure
we'll be fine.
Okay, well...
I'll see you later.
All right,
I'll see you later.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
CHAD: Okay, before
we go any further,
can we just acknowledge
that there's really something
in this house that's real?
There's something here, and
we're gonna capture it.
If we're gonna
capture something,
it's gonna happen
tonight, okay?
Yeah, listen, absolutely, I agree.
Can you not do that?
Hey, Floyd...
You're a fucking child!
Would you go find where
to turn the electricity on,
so we can get to work?
Please?
All right.
Thank you.
Goin' to work.
Come on, Hamlet.
See?
Come on, Hambone.
Our work's
never done, man.
Let's go.
Huh.
"Hey, Floyd,
go turn on the power.
"Hey, Floyd, fix the van.
Hey, guys, go fuck yourself."
Huh.
Well, I don't see shit.
Hey, check it out,
Hambone.
It's the Kyser family
incinerator.
Here, kiddy, kiddy.
Well, there definitely was
not a party in here.
Well, this is creepy.
(FAINT SINGING)
What the fuck?
(HAMLET WHINES)
(WHINE)
Huh.
(THUD, BOARDS CREAKING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Chad?
GWEN: Hi.
I'm gonna grab
some things.
CHAD:
I'm telling you, babe,
I felt something
in that first room,
the dining room,
unlike any
of the other places.
GWEN: (SUGGESTIVELY) Did
you feel it right here?
CHAD: No, I didn't
feel it back there.
I'm telling you.
I told you so...
You sure? Maybe you
felt it right, oh...
(BREATHING RAPIDLY)
Huh.
(CLICKING FLASHLIGHT)
(TAPPING FLASHLIGHT)
Goddamn flashlight.
(CLICKING)
I can promise
you this, Hambone.
(GROWLING)
We are not going in there.
CHAD: Can we please not stay
in the pentagram room?
This looks exactly
like the pentagram
in the '52 incident
in Manhattan Beach.
You guys remember it?
It wasn't facing north,
just like this one.
GWEN:
This one's facing north.
North-ish.
FLOYD: It looks like a soccer
ball made out of twigs.
No, this is the top,
right here.
Floyd, did you put
lights on my microphone?
Yes, I did.
I thought they'd match
your sweater vest, Chadwick.
Jeez. Thanks.
(WIND MOANS)
(STAIRS SQUEAKING)
Blah!
Aah!
Shit.
NANCY: No, Floyd,
I need it more...
It's fine.
It's all the way open.
I need it more to the right.
It's fine.
I really think it's important
to get the bathroom over here.
It's all the way open, and
it's wide, Crimson, okay?
Let it go.
Oh, you know what?
This is what I do.
Please, really
don't call me that.
What do you
want me to call you?
Come on, we got
more lights to set up.
Aw!
(LAUGHS)
(STATIC)
(CREAKING, VOICES)
CHAD: Hello?
Can you hear me?
CHAD'S VOICE: Hello?
Can you hear me?
(TAPE REWINDING)
CHAD'S VOICE:
Can you hear me?
(STOPS RECORDER)
(SWITCHES ON
DIRECTIONAL MICROPHONE)
(AMBIENT NOISE
IN HEADPHONES)
(DISTANT WOMAN'S VOICE)
(WIND WHISTLING)
(WOMAN'S VOICE)
Is that you, Mona?
Mona Kyser?
May I speak to Mona
or Frankie Kyser?
(MUSIC)
CHAD: Spirits of this house,
please give me a sign.
Spirits of this house,
if you can hear me,
knock two times.
Chad?
CHAD: Mona?
(FEMALE VOICE)
(PANTING)
(WOMAN FAINTLY SINGING)
Mona?
Are you singing
to me, Mona?
(FAINT SINGING)
Would you like
to sing for me?
My name is Chad.
(FAINT SINGING)
Mona?
What?
(WOMAN SINGING
MORE CLEARLY)
Sing to me again.
(SINGING)
(CHAD BREATHING HEAVILY)
(SINGING STOPS,
WIND WHISTLING)
(FIGURE SHOUTS)
Aah!
CHAD: There's something
that we don't understand
that is going on
in this house.
This place
is dangerous, okay?
(OTHERS DISAGREEING)
We need to get out of here.
GWEN: Worry too much.
Gwen, look, I... I can't
stay here. I'm gonna go.
You can stay here.
I want you to stay here.
Are you serious?
I'm gonna take the van.
What are you afraid of?
I'll be back
in the morning, I'm sorry.
I just cannot do it. FLOYD:
Hey, my shit's in that van.
I'm gonna leave.
Don't be a pussy.
I'm sorry.
Hey.
Okay, hey, hey, hey.
Yeah, what? Okay.
All right, okay.
Maybe there is something.
I'm not... I'm not saying
that there is,
but what if there is?
What if there is,
and what if we find it
and record it
and can verify it?
Floyd!
What if we can do that?
And that would
be worth so much more.
It's not about money.
This is not
about money right now.
Okay, it's not about money.
What is the one thing
you told me you've wanted
ever since
you were a kid, huh?
The one thing?
Uh, antifreeze.
He wants antifreeze
for his vagina.
That you wanted
to see a ghost.
And now,
it's a possibility.
Are you seriously telling me
that you're willing
to just give it up right now
when you're so close?
I mean...
GWEN: Please stay.
Okay.
Remember when it used
to be just me and you?
I mean, it was us.
Is this
about me and Chad?
Come on, Gwen.
Or is it about Floyd?
Because
I warned you about him.
Okay, well, I warned
you about Chad.
Yeah, but Chad and I
are still together.
Yeah, I am painfully
aware of that.
Guess we've gone
a little Scooby-Doo.
We used to be more
like The Galloping Ghost.
Mm-hmm.
Two girls conquering
the world's unsolved mysteries.
(LAUGHS)
I thought you
never watched television.
I don't.
(VIDEO MONITORS BUZZING)
(BUZZ)
(BUZZING)
(BUZZING)
(DISTORTED VOICE,
GROWLING)
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Why
don't you give me a treat?
I fed Hamlet.
(LAUGHS
LIKE SCOOBY-DOO)
He was hungry.
Mmm,
this tastes good.
(SINISTER TONE) Why don't
you give me a treat?
Are you okay?
(PANTING)
I'm a good boy.
Nancy's my favorite,
but Floyd feeds me,
'cause I'm a good boy.
I'm a good boy!
Scratch me.
Just behind my ear,
it's my spot.
Want to go chase a car?
I like chasing cars.
Fuck you!
(BARKS)
(GROWLING)
(HAMLET WHINES)
(BARKS)
Don't fuckin' touch me.
(LAUGHS)
I'm cool, man.
I'm cool, I'm cool.
Don't you
fuckin' touch me.
I'm cool, man.
Don't.
(LAUGHS) I'm cool, I'm cool,
I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm cool.
(LAUGHS) I'm cool.
I'm cool, man.
Okay.
Whoo, all right,
I am feeling
a little buzzy
from that cig.
Yeah, we never
should have quit.
No kidding.
Help me up.
CHAD: Fuck!
Oh, my God, did...
Oh, my God.
Well, we have light.
We have light.
Give me that.
Is Chad upstairs?
I...don't think so.
We did not turn
on the lights.
This guy is
fuckin' possessed!
Oh, come on.
The lights
came on somehow
that had nothing
to do with us!
I'm not possessed
It was a joke.
I'm telling you, this place
is fucking haunted, man!
We came to
a fuckin' haunted house!
This is a real
fucking haunted house!
GWEN: Chad, chill out
it's okay.
I'm telling you, man,
this is a fucking crazy place.
NANCY: Floyd, did you
turn the electricity on?
FLOYD: No...
Yeah, okay, look.
It's just a joke.
We're just gonna calm down,
and we're gonna go upstairs.
Someone turned the lights on,
it wasn't us.
We're gonna figure out
who it was.
Oh, God!
Maybe it was a ghost.
God!
Wouldn't that be interesting,
if it was a ghost?
Come on.
NANCY: I need you
to tell me right now,
are you fucking
with him again?
I need you to tell me.
No.
Don't be scared, Chad.
Hey, Floyd,
suck my fuckin' cock.
He's just a scaredy-cat.
Floyd, are you
fucking with him?
Yeah.
You're fucking with him?
Yeah, totally.
Don't fuck with him.
It's funny, though.
(LAUGHING)
But I didn't
turn on the lights.
(TICKING)
(FEEDBACK)
(MUFFLED CRASH)
Did you hear that?
GWEN: Nope.
I heard something.
That's the window
the kids fell out of.
Man.
Sances are weird.
You know, they get all
these leaves from someplace.
It's like, they just want
to connect with something.
That's
the same paraphernalia
from that '74 incident
in Munich.
These kids aren't
fucking around.
They bring in this stuff,
and they sit there,
and they actually chant.
They actually call up
something evil.
No, they just want
to connect with stuff.
I love that you know
about these things,
and I also...
I love that you can
feel things, Chad, you know?
Because I don't feel
that stuff.
I wish I did that.
I don't do that.
I'm always thinking,
you know?
I just want to feel things.
And you don't think.
You're not always thinking
all the time, like me.
You know,
I'm always in my mind.
I don't feel.
I don't just like...
feel things.
You feel things.
No, I don't.
No, cold spots.
Hot spots, right?
See, you walk into
a room in this house,
and it's like somebody
turned up the thermostat.
(LAUGHS)
You know, I start...
I start sweating, and, uh,
as I have these, like, heart
palpitations or something.
And it's just like,
there's just something...
There's... There's something
really significant going on.
You know, I just want to feel
like I'm inside of this place.
I just want to be close.
I just want to love.
Oh, I just want to be
so close to it.
I want to be like an insect,
and all of my six legs
are gonna gonna touch
the whole inside
of this house.
(LIGHTS CLICK OFF)
Uh...
What...
(BOTH MOANING)
(DRIPPING)
(WOMAN FAINTLY SINGING
AND TALKING)
(PLASTIC BAG RUSTLING)
It's just kids. Ahem.
FLOYD: There ain't shit
going on.
(FAINT MOANING SOUNDS)
All right.
Put some music on.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(GWEN WHISPERING)
All the virgins
in all the stories,
all the virgins,
they were sacrificed.
(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
Pull it tighter.
Look at me.
(LAUGHING)
GWEN: Whoo.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
# I've got this feeling
# You've got the tools
(SONG CONTINUES
INDISTINCTLY)
(CREAKS, CRASHES)
(WIND WHISTLING)
(HOUSE SETTLING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(GWEN MOANING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
That's a party.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Come on!
Creepy shit!
Creepy shit!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Chad, you look
like you're on fire.
(FLAMES WHOOSH)
FLOYD:
Chad, you all right?
(GASPS)
FLOYD:
There was a creep.
Nance,
what the fuck?
FLOYD:
Ah, fuck!
What the fuck?
Stupid fucking cunt!
Hey, man, tell me there was
a fuckin' ghost or demon
who set
my fuckin' van on fire!
No, I was going
up there to tell you guys
there was something
in the fucking room!
Why the fuck
did you do that?
I'm so sorry,
I'm so sorry.
You're completely right.
It is all my fault, and I
am a stupid fucking cunt.
No, you can't
talk to Nancy like that.
You used my fucking
equipment and my van
to try and disprove
something I believe in,
so I'm the big
fucking joke tonight!
I'm gonna make it right!
I'm gonna fix it!
Good, you should!
Okay! You guys
need to calm down!
GWEN: Look,
it's not your fault.
NANCY: Yes, it is my fault,
and I'm really sorry.
CHAD: You fucking try
to disprove it every day!
You are making
a fucking joke of me!
I'm a big fucking joke!
Everyone
thinks it's hilarious.
Would you listen to me?!
I'm gonna make it better!
CHAD: No!
Hey, guys?
Hey, guys! Hey!
(NANCY AND CHAD SHOUTING)
Hey!
You're not a joke!
Hey!
So when I was working
on the van
and you guys were
chatting with the cop,
I got rid of my stash.
I threw my pipe
in the cooler,
and I put my bag of acid
in this Thermos.
NANCY: Fuck, Floyd.
GWEN: I filled that
with water.
We're on acid, Floyd?!
It's cool.
It's okay!
It's okay!
It's low-grade stuff!
It means
we're tripping balls!
Okay, okay, okay.
We're just seeing shit!
Look, look.
That's all it means!
This is good news!
So what you're telling
me is that the van
could potentially not be on
fire out there right now?
No, I'm not saying that.
The van's on fire.
I'm saying you guys
are tripping balls,
and it's cool... No, no!
Fucking asshole!
FLOYD: Hey! Hey!
No!
CHAD:
You have fucked me!
FLOYD: You have
fucking lost it, man!
Don't fucking touch me!
You need to calm down!
You're a whore, okay?
You guys just need to calm down.
What?
It's low-grade shit.
You're a whore.
I'm gonna
fucking kill you
before the night's
over, man!
No, you guys
are tripping!
Motherfucker,
I will fucking kill you
if you come
near me again!
All right.
Fucking asshole.
I'm out.
What did you
call me, Chad?
I called you a whore.
I'm gonna assume this is
coming out of... you're upset?
No, it's coming out
of you being a whore.
Don't you ever
call me that again.
I'm gonna go get
our clothes now,
and when I get back,
I expect an apology.
God damn you!
(CHAD GROANS)
Fuck!
Fuck!
(SHUDDERS)
Nancy.
Floyd.
Look, fuck Chad.
He's a dumb-ass.
He doesn't know shit.
Just go back inside, okay?
I don't even know why
you're coming out here.
Look, I'm sorry
about the van.
I'm sorry
about the van.
I'm sorry
about the acid.
(LAUGHS)
You're just fli...
You're flipping out.
You're just tripping.
It's cool, calm down.
Okay, I just don't know
why you're out here.
I just want you
to go back inside, okay?
I just want to be
out here by myself.
What are you doing?
I'm standing here.
I'm gonna sleep
in the fucking fountain.
(LAUGHS)
You're not gonna sleep
in the fountain.
Yeah, I am. I'm gonna
sleep in the fountain.
All right, then
I'm gonna stay with you.
No, don't stay with me.
I don't need you to stay
with me, all right?
I don't even know
why you would want to.
I'm fucking
everything up.
Everyone is here
because of me.
Everything is my fault.
Look, I'm here
because of you.
Yeah.
Don't.
I know that sucks,
but I'm here 'cause of you.
It's okay.
Will you calm down?
It's gonna be fine.
Just concentrate
on my voice.
Just calm down.
(LAUGHING)
See? Just have fun.
Just have fun.
It's okay.
You sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
I'm sure.
Well, I predicted it,
didn't I?
Yeah.
I mean, I didn't know.
Like, it just seemed like...
You didn't know?
I told you this place was dangerous.
I know.
And now we're here,
and we're stuck here.
But you get
that feeling a lot, Chad.
Like, I can't believe that every
single time you get a feeling.
I made it a big deal.
I made it clear.
Yeah.
So we're stuck.
I know.
Look, what
are we doing here?
I don't know, I mean,
I think
we're gonna try to...
Gwen.
We're gonna...
What we're gonna do
is we're gonna... walk.
I mean, that's what we...
We have each other.
It's gonna be fine.
We're gonna get
the van fixed.
This is bullshit,
okay?
I know.
This is bullshit.
What?
What is this?
What is... What is what?
What we have.
Chad,
you're my boyfriend.
You're my lover.
I'm the money.
You're my...
Yeah, I can't do this.
I don't know,
you're doing pretty good.
No, not this. This.
I can't do this anymore.
The group.
I can't do it anymore.
I quit.
You quit?
Yeah, I quit.
What the fuck
are you gonna do?
I don't know, I'm gonna
do something else.
You can't do
something else.
Well, I know that, because
I'm not good at anything.
No, there's
no such thing as ghosts,
and you're really good
at not finding them.
Well, I want to be really good
at finding something.
Okay.
You gotta
take me with you.
Floyd. Look, I know,
I know, I know.
I know, I know.
Look, I don't care
about any of this.
I don't care
about any of this.
I only care about you.
Aw.
And Hamlet. I don't care
about any of this stuff.
I... I just...
Just take me with you.
I don't know, Floyd.
Come on, no, no, no.
Come on.
I don't know.
I don't know if we
can do this again.
No, I won't... I...
Is that a car?
Floyd, that's a car.
Tell me you have
a Slim Jim in that bag.
I totally have
a Slim Jim in this bag.
CHAD: I cannot tell
what's real anymore.
I have just
entered this home,
where I actually felt something
that I really wanted to feel,
and I don't know
if it was real or not.
Look, I know I've just
taken a tab of acid,
and I've
never done it before,
but I don't know.
Now we've gotten...
Look where we've
gotten with this.
Chad...
are you breaking up
with me?
I can't lose you, Chad,
okay?
You're like... You make me
feel like a full person.
I don't
always feel that way.
And I really...
I didn't mean
to cheat on you.
I'm sorry.
Look, this probably isn't
the right forum for this.
Chad, I love you.
I love you.
I'm just gonna lie
down with this dog,
because he loves me
unconditionally,
and he's beautiful, and he
doesn't cheat on me, either.
Mm, I love you, Hamlet.
CHAD: Can you confirm that this
dog is eating a human hand?
(GWEN SCREAMS)
(BOTH SHOUTING)
You got it?
CHAD: Floyd!
What?!
Over here!
Where'd this come from?
We found a hand.
We found a human hand.
You found a what?
You're tripping balls, man.
We got a car, though.
Hamlet got it.
Hamlet?
We got a car.
GWEN: It was in his mouth.
I got this, though.
I got this.
Where did this come from?
Hey, Hambone.
GWEN: Whose car is this?
CHAD:
Can you get in?
Floyd!
Oh. We gotta get
the fuck out of here, man!
We have got to get
the fuck out of here!
Floyd, you gotta
get that open!
Hang on, hang on!
(LOCK POPS)
I got it!
I got it, I got it,
I got it!
Oh, yeah, man!
Open the back,
please!
You got
a Slim Jim in that bag,
and you don't
have a knife.
NANCY:
We don't have a knife.
Did anybody find
the fucking keys?
CHAD:
Don't focus on the keys,
focus on hotwiring the car.
Yeah, I can hotwire
the car, Chad.
Mike Ryan. Mike Ryan.
The guy from the bank.
What, do you need,
a fucking screwdriver?
FLOYD: Where the fuck are the keys?
NANCY: The guy from the bank.
Where the fuck is he?
Yeah, where is he?
'Cause we'd really
like to use his car.
Floyd,
pop the trunk, please.
Fuck! Oh, damn it.
Okay, Floyd,
pop the trunk, please.
Pop the trunk, Floyd!
I don't know where it is!
Floyd, pop the trunk!
Stop fucking yelling.
(GASPS)
FLOYD: You found pliers?
NANCY: Yeah.
Hey, guys...
Hey, guys.
Hey, guys, I think the
banker's in the trunk.
What?
CHAD: I think
the banker's in the trunk.
Fuck you.
(VOMITING)
Oh, fuck, man.
(CHAD VOMITING)
What the fuck?
Okay, um, I'm gonna
go call that cop.
You... You gotta
check him for keys.
Sorry, man.
(CHAD VOMITING)
(LINE RINGING)
OPERATOR: Customer
service, this is David.
Our records show a past due
balance on your phone.
No.
But if you have
a major credit card,
I'd be
happy to take that.
Okay, I'm trying
to reach 911.
Um, I'm sorry, 911 doesn't appear
to be the number you called.
No. Okay,
I'm aware of that.
I'm just trying
to reach the police.
Mm-hmm.
Then... then
can you just...
Then can you just
patch me through to 911?
I would really need
some form of payment.
Get his back pocket.
(GWEN GROANS)
(CHAD VOMITS)
My records show that you
are over $300 past due.
I'm very sorry.
Can you please just
put me through to 911?
I can take
your information
and try to get you at
the front of the line.
I cannot do that right now!
It is an emergency!
Just please,
can you get me 911?!
(GWEN SCREAMS)
(GROWLING)
(HAMLET BARKING)
Th... There's...
There's someone
at the house!
Guys, there's someone
at the house!
Motherfucker! Hey!
Hamlet!
Hamlet!
They went upstairs!
He's upstairs!
Guys, he's upstairs!
(HAMLET BARKING)
(BARKING)
Hamlet!
NANCY: Hamlet!
FLOYD: Hamlet?
(BARKING)
Hamlet!
(BARKING)
Hamlet!
(BARKING)
(BARKING GROWS LOUDER)
(BARKING GROWS FAINTER)
Fuck!
Do you see him?
CHAD: No!
Hamlet!
(BARKING)
GWEN: Hamlet?
(BARKING)
(BARKS)
No, come on, Hamlet!
(BARKING)
Gwen!
Nancy?
CHAD: Gwen?
FLOYD: Hamlet!
CHAD: Nancy!
NANCY: Floyd? Hamlet?
CHAD: Hamlet?
Chad?
(DISTANT BARKING)
FLOYD: Nancy?
CHAD: Gwen?
GWEN: Floyd?
NANCY: Hamlet!
Hamlet!
Hamlet.
NANCY: Floyd?
(HAMLET GROWLS)
Chad!
Chad?
FLOYD: Gwen?
(HAMLET YELPS)
NANCY: Gwen?
GWEN: Oh!
Shh!
Fucking hell.
(HAMLET SNARLING)
(THUD, HAMLET WHINES)
CHAD: Hamlet!
GWEN: Chad?
Hamlet!
Hamlet!
I swear to fucking God,
he came in this room.
(HAMLET WHINING)
(DOOR CREAKS, SLAMS)
NANCY:
That didn't sound good.
Tell me
you shut this door.
No.
FLOYD: Fuck, man.
No, no, no.
(CHAD SHOUTS)
FLOYD: What the fuck, man?
What the fuck?
It's fucking blood.
CHAD: Mother... Get him!
GWEN: Chad!
(NANCY CRIES OUT)
What the fuck, man.
Unh! You killed
my fucking dog?!
What the fuck is wrong
with you?!
Fuck you! Fuck!
You shit! Fuck!
(CHOKING)
You want to die?
Die!
GWEN: Chad, stop!
Chad, stop!
(SCREAMING)
GWEN: Chad!
(SCREAMING)
Waah!
(DOORKNOB RATTLING,
ALL SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
(GWEN SCREAMS)
(MAN SHOUTING
INDISTINCTLY)
FLOYD: Come on!
GWEN: No, Chad!
Get in there!
Get the dresser,
get the dresser!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
(GWEN WHIMPERING)
Get down. Shh, shh!
Turn your lights off,
turn your lights off!
(MAN HOWLING OUTSIDE)
(FOOTSTEPS)
Shh.
(WHISPERING)
What the fuck, man.
(THUD)
(RAPID FOOTSTEPS)
(MAN HOWLS)
(FOOTSTEPS)
(WHIMPERING AND CRYING)
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
(WOMAN'S VOICE)
FLOYD:
What the fuck...
(MAN AND WOMAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY)
FLOYD: (WHISPERS)
Fuckin' prick.
(STOMPING)
(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING)
NANCY: (WHISPERING)
It's okay.
It's okay, it's okay,
it's okay, it's okay.
(MAN AND WOMAN SHOUTING)
FLOYD: Fuck, man.
(COFFEE SPLASHES)
(THUD IN HALLWAY)
Someone's outside.
NANCY: Yeah, what is it?
(WOMAN SHOUTS
IN HALLWAY)
(HURRIED FOOTSTEPS)
(HURRIED FOOTSTEPS)
It's that cop.
Help me open it.
(BOTH STRAINING)
FLOYD: Shh, shh!
We gotta get out.
We gotta get
out of here.
We gotta get out.
We gotta get out.
We're gonna get out,
We're gonna get out.
(STRAINS)
Shh, shh, shh!
FLOYD: No!
(WHISPERING) What the
fuck are you doing?
Okay.
FLOYD: Okay, okay.
We're gonna
get out of here.
We're gonna get out.
We're gonna get out.
We're gonna get out.
FLOYD: Gwen,
give me that ax.
GWEN: We're gonna get out.
FLOYD: Gwen, give me
the fuckin' ax.
We're gonna get out.
Hey, Gwen.
Come on,
give me the ax.
Okay.
Gwen, give me
the fucking ax.
Gwen, give him the ax.
Gwen, give me
the fucking ax.
(PANTING) No.
Gwen. Gwen!
Gwen!
No.
Okay... okay...
Shut the fuck up.
You're gonna get us killed.
Floyd, it's the cop.
(SHOUTING)
NANCY: No!
(GRUNTING)
Fuck, man!
Man! Fuck!
(SCREAMS AND SHOUTS)
Run!
(HOWLING)
Aah!
Aah!
(SHOUTING)
Let me the fuck out!
(MOCK CRYING)
(SCREAMING)
FLOYD: Nancy!
(COUGHING, GROANING)
(SCREAMING,
CRYING)
Fuck you, man!
(GROANING)
(COUGHING)
Nancy!
Floyd! Floyd!
FLOYD: No! No!
He's taking me!
NANCY: [sobbing)
I can't get it.
(FLOYD SCREAMING)
Fuck!
Okay, okay, okay...
FLOYD: No!
Shh! Gwen! Gwen!
(FLOYD SCREAMING)
I... I need you to help me.
I need you to reach around
and get
the fucking thing.
Okay? Come on.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
God!
(WHISPERING)
Shh. Quiet.
Let's open it up.
There's a thing up there.
LANCE:
Come on, let's go.
Come with me.
(DISTANT SCREAM)
Where are your friends?
They're dead.
They chopped
his head off.
(DISTANT SCREAM)
Who's that?
Who's in the house?
Ghosts.
He doesn't have a face.
He doesn't have a face.
Shh. Shut up.
(MOANING)
Freeze, muthafucka!
(GUNSHOT)
(SCREAMS, GUNSHOT)
(HOWL)
I got him.
Let's go
out the side door.
NANCY:
Do you have something?
(GRUNTING)
Get back.
No, wait.
Did you call
for backup?
Yeah,
it's gonna be awhile.
(DISTANT SCREAM)
GWEN: Okay.
Come on! Hurry up!
(MAN SCREAMING)
LANCE: Aah! Aah!
(MAN GRUNTS AND HOWLS)
Let's go.
Fuck. All right.
Let's go.
No, we can't. We can't.
Let's go.
No, Gwen!
Okay, no,
we gotta go back.
We gotta go.
We have to check on him.
We have to go see
if he's okay.
Nancy, he's not okay.
No, you don't know that.
Okay? Nobody's okay.
Gwen, you don't know that.
He's not okay.
I can't just
let this happen again.
I can't let him just die.
I can't
do this again.
You're gonna die.
Don't go back.
Listen.
Okay, I know you're
not gonna go, all right?
It's okay.
You don't have to go.
You stay here, and you go
find help, all right?
It's okay.
Go find help.
He said there's gonna
be backup soon.
It's okay.
Everything's gonna be fine, all right?
Don't leave me.
Everything's gonna be fine.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I have to go.
I have to go!
Nancy, no!
It's okay.
(DRIPPING)
(DISTANT SHRIEK)
(DISTANT SCREAMS)
(WOMAN SINGING)
(MAN SCREAMING)
(MAN SCREAMING)
(WOMAN SINGING)
(LANCE GROANING
AND GASPING)
(WOMAN SHOUTS)
(MAN SCREAMS)
(WOMAN SHRIEKS)
(MAN SCREAMS)
What the fuck?!
(INDISTINCT VOICES)
LANCE: Fuck you!
(WOMAN SHOUTS)
(GRUNTING)
(HOWLING)
(MAN'S DISTANT HOWLING)
NANCY: Fuck!
(WHISPERING)
Jesus Christ, Gwen!
I almost fucking shot you!
Okay...
I had to find you.
It's gotta be
the two of us.
Nancy, I think
I solved the mystery.
It's the Kysers.
No, that's crazy.
They're dead.
No, they're not.
They're dead.
Mona and Frankie.
It has to be
the Kyser children.
Remember how Officer Lance
said that people from the county
were always trying to
take away the Kysers' house?
NANCY: Right, so they
could build a mall?
GWEN: But what
if that was the real reason
people accused the Kysers
of being Satanists?
And maybe because the family
couldn't take it anymore...
NANCY: Gwen, that's why they
killed themselves and their kids.
GWEN: No, what if they
didn't kill the kids?
What if they
actually ran away?
NANCY: Right. And they must have
been hiding here all along!
And, somehow, they
raised themselves, and...
Gwen, they're just
a couple of little kids
trying to protect
their home.
GWEN: It's the only explanation
that makes any sense.
(DISTANT GROANING)
Listen to me.
They're upstairs, okay?
I'm gonna lead,
and I need you
to follow behind
and guard us
with this, okay?
Can you do that?
Okay.
(MAN AND WOMAN
GRUNTING AND SHOUTING)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Do I...
(MAN SHOUTS)
I...
Do I... know you?
(SPEAKS)
Ow, what...
(SPEAKS) Sss.
Ow. Ow.
(SPEAKS)
Ow.
(IMITATING) Ow.
What's your name?
(MUTTERING)
(SPITS)
(MAN SCREAMING)
(MAN AND WOMAN
SCREAMING)
GWEN: They're just
like little kids.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Mona?
Kyser?
Mona Kyser?
The Kysers?
It is the kids
from the house.
We were in first grade
together.
LANCE: Right?
Mona!
Uh, we're not here
to hurt you guys.
We're just... We just
want our friend back, okay?
We actually... We know
exactly who you are.
You're Mona,
and you're Frankie.
And, um, we're not...
We're not here to hurt you.
We... We heard. We know
what happened to you.
We know that... that
what happened to you
is far worse than anything
that your parents,
your family
was ever accused of.
You're not Satanists.
You're just...
(GRUNTING)
really messed up.
And... that's
not your fault.
We just want to help you.
And if you would just
please put the ax down.
Gwen, I need you
to fucking shoot him!
NANCY: Gwen!
(GWEN SCREAMS)
No!
(GWEN SCREAMING)
(FRANKIE MOANING)
Enough!
(GUNSHOT)
(GWEN SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(GWEN GASPING)
Please kill me.
Please.
Please, please.
Please kill me.
Please, please.
(SCREAMING)
You're my best friend.
NANCY: Come on.
LANCE:
Right by the bridge,
could lay down.
Come on!
We gotta go!
I can take a nap.
Nope. Up you go.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(HOWLING)
(GRUNTING)
Lance.
(GROANING)
(GROANS)
(MONA SHRIEKING)
(SHRIEKING)
(GRUNTING)
You fucking bitch!
(GASPING)
(SOMBER MUSIC)
(DOOR SLAMS, SILENCE)
(GROANS)
Uh...
Can I have the keys?
(SHOUTING)
(CASTING DAWN INTO SHADOW
BY VESPERIAN SORROW PLAYS)