1
(birds chirping)
(wolf howling)
(wolf coughing)
(ominous synthesizer music)
(lightning cracking)
(wings flapping)
(wings flapping)
(bat chirping)
(lightning cracking)
(wings flapping)
(bat thudding into tree)
(snake rattling)
(wings flapping)
(bat thudding into tree)
(mosquito buzzing)
(mosquitoes buzzing)
(creepy choral music)
(wings flapping)
(bat thudding into tree)
(lightning cracking)
(rain pattering)
(lightning cracking)
(fire crackling)
(dirt pattering)
(dirt pattering)
(wolves howling)
(bell ringing)
Where is that real estate lady?
She probably meant four
o'clock in the afternoon.
Four o'clock in the afternoon?
When does she sleep?
(branches rustling)
It's what we call a fixer upper.
Tell me, are we convenient
to the school here?
Oh, yes, the school
is just two blocks away.
And young children will
walk past here regularly?
[Marge] Do you two have children?
As often as we can.
Waldemar?
Ask no more questions.
We're supposed to be typical
people looking for a home.
I am looking for a way into this house.
You ask normal questions.
Tell me, what does the building code
say about filling the basement with earth?
Well, um, it is a finished basement.
[Waldemar] Not yet it isn't.
(branch snapping)
Oh, I do love this house.
Um, there may be one small problem.
It doesn't matter what it cost.
[Marge] Oh, it's not a matter of cost.
We must get into this house.
We've looked for such a long time.
A very, very long time.
For just this house.
Well, you see, a few days ago
right after you called me...
(atmospheric bells chiming)
"The disposition"
"of will shall be entrusted"
"to my friend and attorney,
T. Armstrong Sedgeway."
- Oh.
- You know,
I don't understand it.
Whenever I asked him for anything,
he always said, "Leave it to me."
So I figured he'd leave something to me.
[Armstrong] "And to my sister Lucille",
"who could always be counted
on to borrow anything I had"
"and not return it,"
"I leave 3,000 overdue library books."
(group laughing)
That's all?
That's all I get for being
his sister all these years?
(books banging on floor)
He does have one more thing for you.
(mimicking flatulence)
After what everybody else has gotten,
I think we're better off he forgot us.
"And to my nephew
John and his wife, Mary,
"I leave my vast estate in Eerie,
"Pennsylvania."
Oh.
No.
John, our own house.
I played in that house
when I was a little boy.
With all its surrounding land.
(crowd chattering)
We'll have a garden.
Now we don't have to be afraid
to let the children go out and play.
That house is mine.
"My attorney shall inform John and Mary"
"of the curse on the house."
(ominous synthesizer music)
Curse?
What curse?
(man laughing)
Yes, well as I understand it...(choking)
(head thudding on desk)
We've inherited a house with a curse.
[Waldemar] I do not
intend to lose this house.
[Driver] How 'bout this one?
There was a young girl from Hong Kong...
[John] Billy, say goodbye
to the nice truck driver.
[Billy] Bye.
(atmospheric piano music)
Oh, it's wonderful.
It's a wonderful house.
(birds chirping)
Mary, that's not the house.
(ominous synthesizer music)
This is the house?
You're gonna love it here.
I feel it in my bones.
Come on.
[Marge] It's what we call a fixer upper.
It's what we call home.
(crow squawking)
I'm sure they won't stay very long.
I'm sure they won't.
I know they won't.
(door creaking)
[John] Oh, it even smells
like Uncle Henry's house.
[Mary] It's not going to
smell like this much longer.
[Debbie] I'll be in college before
we get rid of this smell.
[Mary] Turn on the lights.
(lights zapping)
[Billy] Maybe Uncle Henry
didn't pay his electric bill.
[Debbie] I think this place is creepy.
All it needs is a little cleaning up.
(light zapping)
Where's Rover?
Rover, (whistling) Rover?
(Rover growling)
Come on, Boy. (Whistling)
Rover?
I wonder what got into Rover?
(ominous synthesizer music)
It's this place.
It's creepy.
Billy, why don't you go
out and bring Rover in.
Billy?
Billy?
Billy?
"Billy?"
[Mary] Billy?
[John] Billy?
He's probably just hiding.
(door creaking)
Remember when we went
to Disneyland and he hid
inside Pluto for two hours?
(door banging)
(mirror cracking)
(cat meowing)
[Mary] Billy, if you're
hiding inside a big dog again...
[Debbie] I'm not staying here alone.
(ominous piano music)
(ominous synthesizer music)
(floor creaking)
(glass cracking)
(coat hanger banging)
(Debbie screaming)
What?
This place is so creepy.
Who screamed? I heard a scream.
[John] Where have you been?
Fixing the fuse box.
(light switch clicking)
You guys don't wanna send me away
to boarding school or something, do you?
Everything will be just fine.
You'd be amazed at what some nice curtains
will do to this house.
I'm just worried about what this house
is gonna do to me.
(dramatic synthesizer music)
Hey, they haven't found it yet.
You can't be too sure.
I, I of all people, I can't be too sure?
Of course, I can be sure.
They haven't found it
because we have to find it.
(lightning cracking)
It started out
to be an evening just like any other,
but before it was over,
Millison Hackshaw would find herself in...
(remote clicking)
Was an innocent teenage girl.
She had no idea that the terrible events
building around her would plunge her...
Is that what you call looking at the TV?
I've tried every channel and all I get
is The Twilight Zone.
Her father opened the door
and stepped out...
Lightning always
does that to the TV reception.
(door creaking)
[Narrator On TV] A dimension of sight
and sound and smell.
A dimension of Oriental...
It'll be alright once the storm is over.
[Narrator On TV] A dimension
of abandoned lumberyards.
A dimension of railway stations
that have stopped being grand
and are nowhere near central.
There's a train leaving from that station,
and it's destination is Cincinnati, Ohio.
(crickets chirping)
What storm?
Mary?
Mn'?
Come here, look at this.
It's some kind of a note.
It's from Uncle Henry before he died.
"Don't open the book."
What book?
He doesn't say.
I don't see any book.
(ominous synthesizer music)
(dramatic synthesizer music)
Maybe it's a cookbook?
Oh, why wouldn't he want
us to open a cookbook?
Well, you know how I am
about my apple turnover recipe.
(ominous synthesizer music)
(dramatic synthesizer music)
(ominous synthesizer music)
(picture zapping)
(picture zapping)
(fire roaring)
We're going to be very happy here.
(ominous synthesizer music)
I'm so glad we're here
in our very own house.
Isn't it about time to go to bed?
I got all the dishes to do.
They'll still be here in the morning.
(ominous synthesizer music)
(picture zapping)
(dramatic synthesizer music)
(monster howling)
(lightning cracking)
Well, they've been here a whole day.
They've gotta be ready to sell it by now.
(ominous synthesizer music)
It wouldn't be nice
to wake them, (wolf howling)
but, maybe somebody's up around the side.
(lightning cracking)
Maybe I'll come back later.
Maybe not.
(lightning cracking)
Oh, no!
(monster growling)
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no! (Screaming)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(monster growling)
What was that?
It must have been an owl.
(wings flapping)
(bat chirping)
You're right.
It was an owl.
(floor creaking)
(Billy screaming)
(heads thudding together)
[John] Damn owls.
(Billy screaming)
Oops.
(glass breaking)
[Billy] The monster was here.
Calm down, you've just had a nightmare.
Come on, everything's gonna be alright.
- Except for the monster.
- Billy, Billy,
there's no monster in here.
There is, he's nine feet
tall, he has four arms,
huge eyes on the top of
his head and huge teeth.
Billy, act your age.
I am acting my age.
You're just used to me
acting line a grown up.
I'm 10 years old,
and there's a monster in here.
Billy, there's no monster here.
Look, do you see a monster in this room?
I can't believe that I'm standing here
in the middle of night
arguing with a 10 year old kid
about the existence of monsters.
Now just calm down and go to sleep,
Everything will be fine in the morning.
Except for me, I'll be a
faded memory in the morning.
I bet you were reading scary books again
before you went to bed.
I...
Goodnight.
Sleep tight, don't
let the bed bugs bite.
He had a nightmare.
He thought there was
a monster in his room.
(chuckling) I guess it's just spending
the first night in a strange house.
He'll be alright in the morning.
(laughing) Monsters.
(lips smacking)
Mary?
(ominous synthesizer music)
Mary?
Mary?
I was good.
I didn't tell.
(monster growling)
Okay, I told.
But he didn't believe me.
(monster growling)
(ominous synthesizer music)
Mary?
Mary?
Mary?
(atmospheric synthesizer music)
Are you alright?
Yeah, fine.
Good.
[Mary] Is Billy okay?
Yeah, everything's fine.
(ominous synthesizer music)
(monster growling)
(monster roaring)
(book zapping)
Wow.
(monster growling)
(monster growling)
(book zapping)
(book zapping)
(monster groaning)
(window shattering)
(monster banging on ground)
(monster groaning)
Damn owls.
(monster groaning)
(lightning cracking)
(Waldemar sighing)
They found the book.
It's not fair.
For 300 years, I've been
searching for that book.
Well, now you know where it is.
That's not the point.
Don't you understand?
Whoever controls the
book, controls the world.
And now he's got it.
Two days from now there
may not be a world.
(dramatic synthesizer music)
(food sizzling)
Good morning.
Thank you for doing the dishes last night.
I didn't do the dishes.
Oh?
It must have been Debbie.
Or maybe there are elves in the house.
Elves.
(flowers whistling)
I guess they could have
used a little more sunlight.
Oh, that's better, darling.
They don't seem nearly as dead.
(dramatic orchestral music)
Well, it may have been
noisy last night, but this morning
the house feels so comfortable.
I don't think I slept
15 minutes all night.
Billy woke us up.
He had a nightmare.
And we kept hearing owls.
If you guys think I'm
starting school today
in this condition, forget it.
It'll be much quieter once
we get curtains on the windows.
If you were so tired, you didn't have to
get up early and do the dishes.
I didn't do the dishes.
- You didn't?
- Well then who did?
It must have been Billy.
Mom, when did you ever
know Billy to do a dish?
Well, somebody did the dishes,
and we're the only ones in this house.
(dramatic orchestral music)
If he could get out of the book,
there's gotta be a book to tell
you how to get them back in.
There's something
creepy about this place.
[Narrator On TV] It was a neighborhood
not unlike any other neighborhood,
but this was a day unlike any other clay.
We're going out to do some shopping.
We're going to buy some curtains.
Heavy curtains, this place
will be quiet as a tomb.
Curtains and a few other things.
It seems that one of
the windows was broken.
Yeah, it must have
happened during my nightmare.
We'll see you in a little while.
Oh, Mom.
You didn't clean up my room, did ya?
I just put a few clothes away.
(Billy sighing)
Don't wreck the house while we're gone.
(dramatic piano music)
See you later.
Bye.
We'll be back in a little while.
Oh, my god, what a
bright, beautiful morning.
Yes, it is a bright, beautiful morning,
and we're in our own home.
Yes, we are.
(door creaking)
(door banging)
(dramatic orchestral music)
[Narrator On TV]
Stanley had been before...
- Hi.
- Hi.
Anything the matter?
Oh, no.
I got to work, I forgot my badge,
so I had to come and get it.
I couldn't sleep all night.
I kept hearing noises.
Take care.
If you need anything, just scream.
It' so reassuring to have
a policeman living next door.
(water splashing)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(phone ringing)
Billy, can you get that?
(phone ringing)
(dramatic orchestral music)
Hello?
[Operator] This is
the telephone company.
You got me out of the
tub to tell me that?
[Operator] Your telephone is going to be
out of service for the next hour.
Good, now maybe I can take my bath.
[Operator] This is a recording.
(ominous synthesizer music)
Hey, Billy, are you deaf or something?
The next one who gets me out
of that tub is in big trouble.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(water splashing)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(Debbie screaming)
(duck squeaking)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(monster roaring)
(Debbie screaming)
(monster growling)
Help!
(Debbie screaming)
(monster growling)
Billy!
Billy!
Billy!
Billy, there's a fish in the bathtub.
There's a giant fish in the bathtub.
What?
Do something.
You're supposed to be the
smart one in this family.
Will you just do something?
What do you want me to do, broil it?
(monster growling)
How big is this fish?
. BU'
(ominous orchestral music)
(monster growling)
Do something.
I gotta get upstairs.
(footsteps tapping)
Ya gotta keep him busy.
What am I supposed to do?
Bring out the Monopoly set?
Do something.
(dramatic synthesizer music)
I need time to get up to my room, okay?
(monster growling)
Oh.
You've got to, just keep him away.
(monster roaring)
Debbie, run.
[Debbie] Get away. (Screaming)
(dramatic orchestral music)
This is what you call
hanging up a few clothes?
If she moved that book...
(dramatic orchestral music)
I need the police, give me the police.
The Coast Guard, I need the Coast Guard.
I need help.
(phone line buzzing)
(Debbie screaming)
(monster growling)
(monster growling)
(monster growling)
(Debbie screaming)
(Debbie gasping)
(monster growling)
(Debbie screaming)
Everything alright in there?
(monster growling)
No.
(dramatic orchestral music)
Help!
(Debbie screaming)
(gun firing)
(door handle clanking)
On my way.
Hold it right there, man.
(monster growling)
(Debbie screaming)
Turn around, put your
hands against the wall.
Help!
Stop right there or
I'll shoot.
No, no!
(monster growling)
No!
(gun firing)
I don't want any
trouble with you.
(monster groaning)
(gun firing)
(monster grunting)
(Ernie groaning)
(dramatic orchestral music)
[Debbie] Kill him, what are you doing?
(monster growling)
(Ernie groaning)
Kill him!
(monster growling)
(Ernie groaning)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(monster growling)
Debbie, wake up.
You gotta help me find that book
before Mom and Dad get back.
If they find out that this
was my fault, come on.
Debbie, wake up.
(water bubbling)
[Narrator On TV] There
is another dimension
for decent cheeseburgers,
to a lost seven year old sits.
Where the bluebird of happiness
still sings every morning.
Where the decent people who live next door
could be from another planet.
Hi, we're back.
How's everything?
Oh, just fine, just fine.
[Mary] Where's Debbie?
I think she's taking a bath.
Ah.
(ominous synthesizer music)
Debbie?
(Debbie screaming)
Debbie?
No!
It's me, it's your mother.
Debbie, are you alright?
I guess I fell asleep.
Oh, Mom, I had the creepiest dream.
Come on, come on.
(monster growling)
We can make a deal.
What do you want?
Hey, how about food?
(monster roaring)
What do you like to eat?
(monster roaring)
Bad question.
This house is creepy.
Ah, there's nothing
wrong with this house.
Then how come all we get
on TV is The Twilight Zone?
Some shows are very popular.
I once watched television all morning
and never say anything but I love Lucy.
Mom, this isn't I Love Lucy.
This is, there's a dimension of mind.
Oh, that's just your imagination.
You'll see, everybody
will love this house.
Everybody?
You're the only one who loves it.
Everybody at the party.
What party?
Saturday night.
The relatives insisted on coming over,
so we had to invite somebody
we could stand, too.
To balance things out.
This Saturday night?
The 13th.
Mom, Friday's the 13th.
The 14th then.
Saturday the 14th.
(dramatic synthesizer music)
I've gotta find that book.
(ominous synthesizer music)
(paper boinging)
Do this mean you want something to eat?
No.
Billy, you can't just
mope around like this.
I won't be moping around much longer.
I'm glad to hear that.
You know, if you've got some problem...
Well, if you lost something...
"Yes?"
If you lost something
and because you lost it
the whole world was gonna be destroyed,
what would you do?
Are you telling me you lost something?
(door banging)
Oh, hi, Deb, welcome home,
you need some help?
Oh, thanks.
Remember those people who
were trying to buy the house?
Yes.
Well, they were at the supermarket,
and they asked me if we have
any antiques we wanted to sell,
and also they wanted to
know about any old books.
Boy are they creepy.
You know, Dad, you really
ought to sell 'em the house.
They'd fit right in.
Debbie, what would you
do if you lost something
and the world was going to be destroyed?
I'd call the police.
That wasn't the answer.
I wonder what Mom wanted this for?
(ominous synthesizer music)
She must be getting
into European cooking.
Hmm.
Where is she, anyway?
What else, cleaning.
(upbeat synthesizer music)
(ominous orchestral music)
(bat chirping)
Hello?
Is anybody in there?
(bat chirping)
Hello?
You poor baby.
How long have you been up here?
Let's get you a bowl of milk.
(cat shrieking)
Come on, kitty, kitty, here.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty
kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
(bat chirping)
That can't be mice.
Not with a cat up here all this time.
(bat chirping)
Kitty?
Come on out.
Puss?
Puss, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss, puss.
Come on out, okay?
(dramatic synthesizer music)
(wings flapping)
(bats chirping)
God, look at all these owls.
(wings flapping)
(bats chirping)
Hey, take it easy, huh?
(Mary screaming)
(bats chirping)
Stop it, owl.
Ah, ah, ow.
(bats chirping)
(Mary yelping)
(Mary screaming)
(bats chirping)
(Mary screaming)
(bats chirping)
(Mary screaming)
(bats chirping)
(Mary screaming)
(bats chirping)
(Mary screaming)
(bats chirping)
(Mary groaning)
[Waldemar] Go on, I won't
let them hurt you now.
Go on, my darling.
Take a little nap.
Electric, electrolysis,
elevator, exercise,
ah, there it is, exterminator.
Who ate my sandwich?
Not me.
Me, yeah, yeah, it was me.
I thought you weren't hungry?
Well, you know, excitement.
Excitement always makes ya hungry.
Excitement, ah, exterminator.
Ah, there's a good one.
Major Pest Control.
(phone ringing)
(flies buzzing)
(swatter whacking)
(register ringing)
(phone ringing)
Major Pest Control.
This is the Major speaking.
My name is John Hyatt,
and I've got bats in my belfry.
I'm an exterminator.
My belfry's full of bats.
They just attacked my wife.
Oh, you got bats in your belfry.
- A lot of bats.
- Do you know how many?
We charge by the bat.
I don't care what it costs
as long as we get the bats outta here.
Yeah, okay, I'll send a man
over, say, ah, next Tuesday.
No, right away, this minute.
I'm at 329 Elm Street.
Okay, I'll send him out.
Van Helsing?
(dramatic orchestral music)
Yeah?
Bats.
Bats!
329 Elm Street.
That sounds so hopeful.
So inviting.
So did 1827 Maple Street.
So did 4386 Brentworst Drive.
Sooner or later, my friend,
I will find a house where the bats
did not come in through the window.
Sooner or later I'll be
able to end my searching.
329 Elm Street,
it doesn't sound like
the end of the rainbow.
It's not that end of the
rainbow that I'm looking for.
(doorbell ringing)
So, you're the man with
bats in his belfry, aye?
You're the exterminator?
- Yeah.
- You don't look
like an exterminator.
That's to fool the bats. (Chuckling)
Oh, what have we here?
Nothing fires the imagination
so much as a fine library.
Do you have any old
books, any very old books?
Maybe you better ask Billy.
He's the smart one in the family.
No, no, no, old books.
I always throw my old books away
when I'm finished reading them.
Old books can be worth
quite a lot of money.
Take this to my room.
Your room?
Well, you don't expect me
to get rid of bats overnight.
I guess you can use the guestroom.
He is really creepy.
Down at the exterminator
place, we have a little motto.
When I leave this house,
there will be nothing left here
to be afraid of.
(Mary screaming)
Ah, this must be your charming wife.
What's for dinner?
I think Mary bought a roast.
Debbie, why don't you start cooking
while I show our guest to his room.
(ominous synthesizer music)
(rat chirping)
You know, it sure gets dark
early since we've moved here.
(ominous synthesizer music)
It's getting creepy.
[Debbie] Are you
still having nightmares?
I don't even have to be asleep.
Listen, we've gotta work on Mom and Dad
to just sell this place and move.
They can't sell it.
It's part of Uncle Henry's will.
They sell the place,
the money goes back to the estate
and all those vultures split it up.
Oh, so we're stuck here?
(curtains rustling)
Not for long.
Boy, even my own
brother's getting creepy.
(dramatic synthesizer music)
(Debbie groaning)
(pot banging on floor)
Dad!
(atmospheric synthesizer music)
(ominous synthesizer music)
Just rest.
It'll be alright.
I wonder...
What?
I wonder if I'm pregnant.
Help!
The man next door...
What's the matter?
- No, it, it, it, it,
- What, what?
- It's in the kitchen.
- The man next door
is in the kitchen?
I wonder what he wants?
(ominous orchestral music)
Well, whatever he wanted,
he must have found it.
He probably just needed a
cup of sugar or something.
But he was...
He...
(dramatic synthesizer music)
It was an excellent meal.
I could stay here forever.
(utensil clacking)
Darling, have a little piece.
No, thank you very much.
Sweetheart, have a taste.
You'll love it.
Debbie used a lotta garlic.
No, no, garlic, keep it away!
(plates clacking)
Thank you very much.
(chuckling) Maybe we oughta get you
some pickles and ice cream.
You have been developing
strange eating habits
since you've been here, yeah?
No, no, that's just a little joke.
You know, about being...
- About being what?
- It's personal.
About being pregnant.
Oh, you're going to have a baby.
Really, Mom?
Really?
Do you know who's baby it might be?
I don't like that kinda talk.
You remember Rosemary.
She had a baby.
I don't even know
that I'm having a baby.
It may be just a...
[Van Helsing] Just what?
A strange feeling.
And it started since
you came to live here.
That book is in this house.
(lightning cracking)
Book, what book?
What book?
The book.
Why do you think that
you have strange things
happening to you?
Why do you think you have bats?
We have bats because of a book?
You have more than bats.
You have problems.
If anything happens to that book,
the whole world has problems.
If someone should open that book,
his soul will be doomed to
eternal hellfire and damnation.
Hell!
(food plopping on plate)
I've followed this book around the world
for many, many years.
More years than you would care to hear of.
And now, at last, I know where it is.
Where is it?
What?
- What?
- What?
It's gone.
You had it?
You didn't open it, did you?
Oh, boy'
I didn't know.
Will someone please tell
me what this is all about?
After all, I am the man of the house here.
Your book of evil!
(lightning cracking)
Evil?
Evil.
(ominous synthesizer music)
[Van Helsing] All the
evil that there's ever been.
In one book?
Boy, a book like that would
be a bestseller for sure.
All of that evil is
loose here in this house.
Well, I guess it's
time to sell the house.
(fire roaring)
(ominous orchestral music)
Oh, yeah.
Ah, you said you knew some
people who wanted to buy it.
Let's give that nice
real estate lady a call.
We are not going to sell this house.
"But, Mom?"
This is our home now.
We, we belong here.
Selling the house now
would be like closing the barn door
after the horses have eaten your children.
So what are we supposed to do?
Well, for one thing, we
better cancel that party.
You're having a party here, now?
We were having a few
people over tomorrow night.
Tomorrow night?
Saturday the 14th?
(ominous synthesizer music)
Do you know what's gonna be
waiting here for those people?
Maybe we better just
let the relatives come.
No, let everybody come.
We can use those people.
Their energy.
And we will triumph.
But I have a great deal of work
to do in the next 24 hours.
And boy, find that book.
(ominous synthesizer music)
(Mary clearing throat)
(lightning cracking)
(ominous orchestral music)
[Waldemar] Mary?
(creepy choral music)
Mary?
Go where you hid the book
and bring it to me.
Bring me the book, my darling.
Good.
Bring me the book,
and we'll fly off together.
Yes.
Yes.
The book.
(book zapping)
Okay, go back to bed.
I'll think of another way.
(ominous orchestral music)
[Van Helsing] Incantations
for every occasion.
Every occasion but finding that book.
Turning bill collectors to stone.
Day to day.
He is in there and we're out here.
He's got that book by now.
If he had that book by now,
he wouldn't still be in there.
But we'd still be out here.
- You could go in there.
- I could.
You always do.
You're starting to like
that woman, aren't you?
She's not my type.
She's hundred of years too young for me.
I'd like to take a look at her neck.
Honey, all I'm after is the book.
Maybe I'll go in with you tonight.
Well, if you don't trust me
after 311 years of marriage...
(wings flapping)
(upbeat synthesizer music)
[Waldemar] We'll talk
about this when I get back.
I'm going with you.
(wings flapping)
I wish I'd
never learned to do this.
It's so unattractive.
[Waldemar] I'll get
that book if it kills us.
(door creaking)
(ominous piano music)
It doesn't matter where we live,
I've always got the longest
walk to the bathroom.
(thunder rumbling)
(door clacking)
(lightning cracking)
This isn't the bathroom.
This is the kitchen.
What am I doing in the kitchen?
What are they doing in the kitchen?
(dramatic orchestral music)
(monsters growling)
(lightning cracking)
(monsters growling)
How am I gonna get out of the kitchen?
(lightning cracking)
(monsters chomping)
(lightning cracking)
(monsters grunting)
(glass shattering)
(lightning cracking)
(monsters growling)
(lightning cracking)
(monster banging on table)
(monsters grunting)
(lightning cracking)
(monsters grunting)
(glass shattering)
(plates clacking)
(monsters grunting)
(silverware clattering)
(lightning cracking)
(glass shattering)
(monsters grunting)
(lightning cracking)
(monsters grunting)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(monster growling)
(dramatic synthesizer music)
(door creaking)
(door clacking)
[Waldemar] I'm trying to find that book,
and all she can think about is
that hooker woman in London.
That was a hundred years ago.
(ominous synthesizer music)
(wings flapping)
Oops.
(bat thudding on ground)
(bat chirping)
Can't take you anywhere.
If you weren't immortal,
you'd kill yourself.
Oh, look.
Isn't that that burglar
Larry from Budapest?
No, that's a fruit bat
from the Philippines.
(dramatic orchestral music)
[Yolanda] I just hope this isn't going
to be another little incident
like that hooker woman.
[Waldemar] That was a hundred years ago.
[Yolanda] I know, you're overdue.
(liquid bubbling)
(ominous synthesizer music)
Oh, we meet again.
I thought I settled your hash last time.
I'm stronger now.
I know how to deal with your kind.
We were here first.
I got inside the house first.
We tried to buy it.
But you didn't, now get out of my house.
Not without the book.
You will never get it.
Do you know what one drop
of this will do to you?
One drop?
Darling, maybe we had better go.
But we'll be back.
And I'll be ready for you.
(wings flapping)
(ominous synthesizer music)
Some vampires will believe anything.
Not bad.
Not good, but not bad.
I think maybe it's time you all just
got outta this house.
You think it's that easy?
You thinking you can just go waltzing
through the front door,
and all the evil in the
world will just politely fade
into the woodwork, yeah?
You want to leave?
Go ahead, leave.
Go on.
Walk out the door.
Walk out on your family.
Forget your sister.
Forget your responsibilities, go ahead.
I've gotta get outta here.
(dramatic orchestral music)
What is it your afraid of?
Open the door.
(wind howling)
Have you had enough?
Close it, it's freezing in here.
(Billy sighing)
You see?
You can't leave.
But I've gotta go to school Monday.
By Monday, all of this will be over.
It'll be over tomorrow night at the party.
(ominous synthesizer music)
One way or the other.
You know what this kitchen needs
is some decoration.
(fire roaring)
You could hang strings of garlic.
[John] Mary doesn't seem to be
as fond of garlic as she used to.
[Van Helsing] Garlic is very attractive
in a kitchen this color.
No, thank you.
I never drink coffee.
I'll take it.
Without my first cup of
coffee in the morning,
I can't see straight.
[Van Helsing] We had
a house once in Bavaria.
We had so much garlic hanging,
we couldn't find the stove.
We couldn't even smell the stove.
That kitchen made the cover
of Better Homes and Garlic.
Oh, I've gotta get outta here.
(door clacking)
(wind howling)
(door banging)
There must be something we can do.
- Oh, there is.
- What?
Well you can, you can put
out big bowls of potato chips,
and you can make a nice onion clip.
Potato chips?
Onion clip?
Is that what monsters eat?
No, that's what people eat.
I'm not hungry.
Well, you're having a party tonight.
Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
You forgot about the party?
The whole world is
depending upon this party.
Now, we need onion dip, we need club soda,
we need old Barbara Streisand records.
The people at this party
have to be as happy as
any people ever were.
We need all the positive energy
that we can get our hands on.
Positive energy?
We better call the relatives
and tell 'em not to come.
Why don't you do it?
I'm gonna check on your mother.
Here, take this coffee.
Huh, I can't stand the sight of it.
(man screaming)
(line buzzing)
I think the circuits are busy.
Yeah, you know, it's cheaper
to call before eight o'clock.
Circuits are probably just jammed
with people trying to save 15 cents.
Yeah, right.
I'll call again after eight.
(ominous synthesizer music)
(atmospheric piano music)
Mary, are you alright?
What's this?
What's what?
All this dirt?
Your whole side of the
bed is covered with earth.
I, I must have spilled a flower pot.
Well, we'll have to get this cleaned up.
No, no, thank you, I'll
clean it myself later.
I have to get some sleep now.
(atmospheric piano music)
Give me a kiss, darling.
(doorbell ringing)
(Mary growling)
Oh, let me just see who that is.
(body thudding on floor)
I'll be back for that kiss.
(Mary snarling)
(doorbell ringing)
Yeah?
Hi, liquor store.
No, private residence.
(doorbell ringing)
- Yeah?
- No, no,
I am from the liquor store.
Ah.
- You called last night?
- Yeah.
Potato chips, club soda,
onion dip, Streisand records.
Yeah, come in.
Put it in the kitchen.
I would help you with it,
but I, I hurt my back in Crimean War.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(wind howling)
(paper rustling)
(Billy sighing)
Maybe it'd be better
today if you played inside.
I've gotta get out of this house.
I'm a 10 year old kid.
I'm supposed to be out in the sunshine.
You'll never know the
contribution you've made
for saving the world.
Who's that guy?
Have a nice day now?
(wind howling)
(paper rustling)
Boy, these storms come up all
of sudden this time of year.
You folks mind if I wait it
out here for a few minutes?
(ominous orchestral music)
[Narrator On TV] George
and Elizabeth Benson
get into their car to go to a party,
but this wasn't going to be
the kind of party they expected.
The guest are about to arrive.
Billy, will you turn that thing off?
- I did turn it off.
- The hors d'oeuvres
have been prepared in the...
(ominous orchestral music)
[Plant] Oh, feed me.
Young man, we're gonna have
dinner in just a few minutes.
(bag rattling)
(sparks popping)
There are many ways
of fighting evil.
Huh, many ways.
(frame shattering)
(fire zapping)
This could take hours.
When are those people coming?
(doorbell ringing)
(dramatic orchestral music)
I'll get it.
- I'll get it.
- No, I'll get it.
- Uh-oh.
- Everybody always gets
so excited about the first guests.
But, Mom, there's
something horrible out there.
Ah, you really are living here.
(door clacking)
You're right, there is
something horrible out there.
Aunt Lucille.
(cat meowing)
Uncle Bert.
Here's a little
something from all of us.
An electric can opener.
Well, the place feels just the same
as it did when Uncle Henry died of a...
(guests chattering)
Mary.
Mary quite contrary.
[Woman] Quite beautiful.
[Phil] Hey, John...
Oh, sweetie.
[Phil] This place could
blow up any minute now.
I could get you a disaster policy.
- Would it go into effect now?
- Look how pale he is.
Don't you ever let him out?
I'm gettin' 10%.
- Oh, such a cutie.
- Hey, John...
- Oh, my little cutie.
- Hi, there.
I'm Phil, Johnny's cousin.
- Want a drink?
- You call those
hors d'oeuvres?
[Man] Yeah, I could go for something.
- What have they got?
- I don't know.
This one's got no meat on it.
(bone clattering)
Which way is the bar?
[Aunt Lucille] What have we here?
[Woman] How long have they been here?
- Bring on the food.
- Do bring it on.
[John] Phil wanted to
sell me disaster insurance.
- On this house?
- Disaster, what is it?
That man deserves
everything that comes to him.
I thought you were
going to use these people
to get rid of the monsters?
- I am.
- Aunt Lucille,
let me take you coat.
Oh, no, no, dear.
I'll hang it up myself.
Otherwise, how could I
look in your closets?
(guests chattering)
Who is that kid on the sofa?
I don't know.
Terrible place, I
would never live in here.
(toilet flushing)
Oh, god.
Ah, there's the closet.
Let's see who's skeleton is in it.
(ominous orchestral music)
(door creaking)
Well, the nerve of her.
Buying a coat just like mine.
(ominous orchestral music)
(Lucille screaming)
(monster burping)
(atmospheric soft jazz music)
(guests chattering)
Hello?
Hi, I'm Annette
Muldowney from next door.
I hated to come alone,
but I haven't seen my husband in two days.
Well, he's a policeman.
He's probably working overtime.
The crime is so terrible these days.
They've been getting
killed everywhere you look.
[Mary] Well, I'm glad
one of you could make it.
Come on.
I brought you a little something.
It's an electric can opener.
It's exactly what I needed.
- Oh. (Laughing)
- Thank you.
I'll see if we can use it at the bar.
Come in.
Banana daiquiri.
Banana daiquiri.
The world is coming to end and
they make me the bartender.
Ah, I haven't mixed a drink
since that time Attila the Hun
got drunk and wrecked Mongolia.
Anyone had the banana daiquiri?
Ah, Mary, have you seen Lucille?
Not since she went to,
to hang up her coat.
I can't find her hiding ever.
How does your garden grow?
You have to find somebody
else to be bartender.
I brought you this can opener.
That'll make it easier.
I have things to do.
People are already disappearing.
Where's Billy?
I need him for this.
He's right...
I'll find him.
If anything has happened to that boy,
we'll be sunk.
Mary?
(guest chattering)
Have you seen Billy?
Mary, this ice is so old.
Have you seen Billy?
Yeah, he's ri...
Oh, he must have gone upstairs.
You know how kids hate grownup parties.
Debbie?
Have you seen Billy?
Find him.
Okay.
Debbie?
Who's that guy?
I don't know.
[Van Helsing] You
haven't found the boy yet?
We haven't even looked yet.
Well look, look high and low.
It's almost 11:30.
If we don't have that boy by midnight,
things are going to get
extraordinarily unpleasant.
People.
Everybody.
(guest chattering)
I have an announcement to make.
We're going to play a little game.
Somewhere in this house
is hidden a small boy.
Let's see who is the first to find him.
What do we win?
(guests chattering)
You win, win, what do you win?
Oh, you, you get to keep the boy.
- No.
- Ah, no, no.
Ah, you, you, ah, you get
an electric can opener.
- Good
- Oh.
[Man] Alright.
(crowd chattering)
(monster humming)
Billy?
(ominous synthesizer music)
(door creaking)
(ominous synthesizer music)
"Billy?"
(bat chirping)
Billy?
"Billy?"
[Mary] The book, it's gone.
Beryourhomen, grainen, consacrat.
(liquid splashing)
(fire crackling and sizzling)
"Billy?"
Billy?
Are you here?
(ominous synthesizer music)
"Billy?"
(stove door creaking)
Billy?
(ominous synthesizer music)
[Van Helsing] Now this worked
on that other little boy.
How the hell did it go?
(dramatic orchestral music)
You look here,
I'll go in here.
Holler if you see anything.
Right.
Billy?
Billy?
My, god.
It's what
we call a fixer upper. (Hissing)
Oh.
"Billy?"
Find your own place to look for him.
I think it's real...
(monster growling)
You haven't seen the little boy, have you?
(dramatic orchestral music)
(pan clacking)
(monster growling)
Ernie.
Oh, thank god you're here.
Ernie, do something.
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh.
(choking)
Bill?
Bill, will you answer me?
(gasping)
(dramatic synthesizer music)
Oh, thanks.
I almost broke my neck.
(monster growling)
(woman screaming)
- You found him?
- We looked everywhere.
In one minute, terrible
things are going to happen.
(woman screaming)
Less than a minute.
The monsters are taking over the house.
(clock chiming)
We're all doomed.
Doomed!
(lightning cracking)
(house rumbling)
(doorbell ringing)
Who could that be?
Everybody I'd invited
has already shown up.
- And left, I'll get it.
- I'll get it.
- I'll get it.
- I'll get it.
(door creaking)
(wind howling)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(lightning cracking)
I believe this what you've
been looking for, Van Helsing.
- Billy.
- Stop, don't touch that boy.
Give me that book.
Not so fast.
(monsters growling)
We have no time to lose.
Billy, my boy, will you
kindly hand me that book?
Give him the book, Billy.
He's the only one who can
get rid of the monsters.
He is the monster.
Give me the book.
I know who you are.
You're in this book.
They showed me.
I can make you very strong.
Never.
(lightning cracking)
(ominous synthesizer music)
Come on, Billy, quit fooling around.
Your powers are
nothing compared to mine.
When I get that book,
I will rule the world.
Think of it.
Famine, war, death!
(lightning cracking)
Those we've got.
And you will be the first to die.
(monsters growling)
(Waldemar hissing)
(Van Helsing growling)
(horn blowing)
(horn blowing)
(sledgehammer clattering)
(Van Helsing cooing)
(Waldemar cooing)
(electrical current zapping)
(Van Helsing growling)
(dramatic orchestral music)
No one will stop me.
(lamp shattering)
I never liked that lamp.
(airplane revving)
(table cracking)
(glass shattering)
Why, that was your mother's table.
Was it?
(sparks zapping)
(dramatic orchestral music)
Mm-yeah.
Na, na, na, na, na.
(Waldemar growling)
(whistle blowing)
(Waldemar mooing)
(Van Helsing squawking)
(Waldemar hissing)
(chicken clucking)
(can operators clattering)
(sparks zapping)
(electrical current whooshing)
(fire roaring)
[John] The fireplace, it's burning.
(Van Helsing laughing)
(Waldemar hissing)
(Waldemar hissing)
(Yolanda meowing)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(lightning cracking)
(house rumbling)
(electrical charges zapping)
(monsters growling)
I am your master.
Once the book is destroyed,
you will never be imprisoned again.
The army of night will rule the world.
It can't get any creepier than this.
(horn blowing)
(siren wailing)
(window shattering)
(Debbie screaming)
(siren wailing)
Help me, please
I know, nobody's gonna be fine.
(Van Helsing growling)
(dramatic synthesizer music)
(Van Helsing growling)
(book zapping)
Let go of this book, boy.
[Billy] It killed the monsters,
and it'll kill you.
([Van Helsing) Nothing can kill Me.
(book zapping)
(Van Helsing laughing)
(body exploding)
No, no!
We won, we won.
(atmospheric orchestral music)
(chimes ringing)
(atmospheric orchestral music)
(Rover barking)
It's Rover, Rover's back.
(Rover barking)
He thought destroying the
book would free the monsters.
(birds chirping)
That wasn't the way it worked.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you.
(atmospheric orchestral music)
I had a, um, a, um, swell party.
Have a nice clay.
[Mary] You too.
We don't know who he is.
Well, at least he's gone.
(Rover barking)
Come here, boy.
Good boy, Rover.
Good boy.
[Waldemar] I think they've
had enough of this house.
[Yolanda] I think so, too.
[Waldemar] It's time they
lived happily ever after.
[Yolanda] And us, too?
[Waldemar] Of course, darling.
(atmospheric orchestral music)