1
Oh, my God.
Say something.
What-- what should I say?
Anything. I just--
I just need to
hear your accent.
Well, technically,
if you're the tourist,
- then you're the one with--
- Oh, my God.
Shut up. Don't move.
Uh-huh. Don't move.
No. Grab me!
All right, okay.
Just like that.
Now turn me over.
- Oh, Statton.
- Oh, baby.
- Mmm. Statton.
- Oh, baby, baby, baby.
Say my name.
Say my name!
- Anne?
- What?
- Anne?
- You don't know my name.
I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'm bad with names.
Well, don't you think
you should at least
try to remember
the name of the person--
I did. I did try.
I did a mnemonic.
- What?
- I read a book which taught you how to remember names,
and one way is to think
of someone with the same name,
- and my sister's name is Anne-Marie, so--
- You were thinking
of your sister
when we were screwing?
No, no, no.
When we first met.
My sister's name is Anne-Marie,
so I used her as a mnemonic.
So I knew it was either Anne or
Marie, I just couldn't remember which.
And I was too embarrassed to ask again,
'cause we were already, you know,
kissing by then, so--
well, I'm guessing it's Marie.
- It's Mary.
- Oh.
Sorry.
I must have misheard.
That bar was so noisy.
You heard me offer
to go to bed with you.
Well, if I'd heard you say
your name was Mary,
it would have been no problem.
My dog's called Mary.
- I could have pictured her.
- Oh, my fuck.
- Oh, no, no.
- God!
I'm not saying that you remind
me of a dog or anything.
- I was just--
- You were just saying that to remember my name,
you had to bring
your sister, your dog,
and your grandmother
into bed with us.
Well, I remember your name.
It's Statton. Statton Taylor.
That's 'cause it's unusual. The-- the book
says it's easy to remember unusual names.
Plus, people tend to picture
the Staten Island ferry.
So what? I should change
my name to Eiffel Tower
- to make things easier for you?
- No, no. I'm just saying
you probably visualized
the Staten Island ferry
- without realizing it.
- No, I didn't.
I was just interested enough
in who I was sleeping with
to remember his name.
So, did you know you were
going to sleep with me
when I first
introduced myself?
You always know.
I've never been surprised
to find myself
in bed with anyone.
- Have you?
- Frequently.
I'm always surprised that
anyone wants to sleep with me.
Frequently?
How often do you do this?
Oh, hardly ever.
That's a lie.
Never ever.
I never have one-night stands.
Well, you're definitely
not completing this one.
Stay right where you are.
Do you like cop shows?
Huh? Go to the movies?
Then you're both over-qualified
to survive this episode.
We're here for your stuff.
Yeah, we like shiny stuff.
Jewelry, laptops, phones.
Watches, credit cards,
small change.
My friend here
will take your things.
I will remove your jewelry.
Now from the conversation
we've just overheard,
Statton, you-- you'd like to
impress this lady, eh? Am I right?
And even I know
her name is Mary.
- Not that.
- Ooh!
Bravery will be rewarded
with a hole in the head.
And cooperation...
will be rewarded with a smile.
Just think of your online
status, Statton Taylor.
"Survived being robbed at gunpoint."
"Thumbs up, Mary." Like, like,
like, like, like, like, like.
Would you get off
the bed, please?
Come on, on with it!
- Oh, schiesse.
- You fucking shot me.
- Why'd you fucking shoot me?
- Well, you started it.
There was somebody
in the wardrobe.
It's a fucking mirror,
you Magoo.
- You saw his reflection.
- Yeah, well, who the fuck were you shooting at?
I thought there was someone
shooting behind me, which there was!
Only I didn't know
it was my fucking sidekick.
If anyone's a fucking
sidekick, okay, it is you.
- You're a fucking sidekick.
- Well, I'm not the one with a fucking bullet in my leg.
Fuck you.
Whose room is this?
- Which one of you booked?
- It's mine. It's mine.
Yeah? You get up, okay?
Call the front desk
and say you've just been--
you've just been disturbed by the
bangs that you heard down the corridor.
- What the fuck?
- You always have to alert the authorities, okay?
Alert the authorities
and they'll never suspect you.
- Do it.
- All right. Okay, okay, okay,
Okay.
Hello.
My name's Statton Taylor.
I'm in room, uh...
- Keep it natural. Keep it natural.
- ...uh, 304.
- Um, I just heard two loud shots.
- Bangs!
- Bangs!
- Bangs. Bangs! Uh, uh--
They might have not been shots.
It could have been anything.
Tell them that you need
your sleep, okay?
You don't want to be disturbed and
you've got a thing in the morning.
I don't want to be disturbed.
I got a thing in the morning.
- Early!
- An early work--
I have early work
in the morning.
Okay. Yes, please
don't disturb me.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Okay, thank you very much.
Thank you. Okay, bye.
- What did he say?
- He said they heard it.
- And?
- They're looking into it.
- Right, we need to go.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I can't go through reception
dripping with blood.
They're looking
for a guy with a gun,
and I got a fucking hole
in my leg.
Right. What do you
want me to do?
I just want you to watch me
bleed to death, okay?
Just go.
Just get somebody, okay?
Well, I cannot call
a fucking ambulance, can I?
No, no, Will-- Will's brother,
okay, is a doctor, all right?
- He's fucking 12!
- His older brother.
Right, okay.
Keep your fucking leg on.
Take that, right?
In case I get searched on my way out.
Keep one trained on each
of their fucking heads.
Um, um, um, look--
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Don't.
Look, um,
I know you don't care,
but that pendant...
I really need it.
It was my mother's.
It's-- it's of great
sentimental value to me.
Oh, well, um, okay.
Money is of great
sentimental value to me,
and I know a man
who will give me cash.
God fucking damn it.
Can I get dressed, please?
Slowly.
- Can I get dressed?
- Do you have to?
Mary, can you bring
that sheet over, please?
Can you tie it
around my leg?
Thank you, Mary. Thank you, Mary.
Thank you very much.
- Whose credit cards are these?
- They're mine.
Says "Carol. Carol Page."
I think if there's one thing
we've all learned tonight,
is that your name
is definitely Mary.
Are these stolen credit cards?
'Cause I do not want stolen credit cards.
They're not stolen.
Carol's my real name.
You gave me a fake name?
Whatevs.
It was a one-night stand.
I gave you a fake
phone number as well.
Then why were you so upset
that I didn't call you Marie?
- Mary!
- Mary, for fuck's sake.
It doesn't matter!
It's not even her real name!
It was the name
that I told you,
so, you know, it's still rude
of you to not remember it.
Well, why did you want to hear me
say it if it's not even your name?
'Cause I knew
you'd forgotten it.
I could tell by the way you kept
saying, "Oh, baby, baby, baby."
So you were testing me during sex?
That's entrapment.
That is nice.
Remembering the fake name I gave
you is the minimum requirement.
And, anyway,
it's sort of my name.
Sort of? How can it be
sort of your name?
It was my name
when I was a nun.
You were a nun?
I was a novice for, like,
two years when I was young.
I was Sister Mary Catherine.
You wanted him to call you by
your nun name while you did it?
- Well, that's hot.
- Not because of that, no.
Do you mind?
This is private.
Yeah. I'm feeling a bit
like a fifth wheel.
You want me to go?
- Have you still got the habit?
- Oh, come on.
Oh, my God.
Do you still have
the habit?
Not on me, no.
Of course.
Sorry, sorry.
So, uh, you're a Catholic
boy, too, then, eh?
Yeah.
Do you go to St. Godfrey's?
I feel like I recognize you.
I just got one
of those faces.
What are the chances, eh?
Three strangers,
all of us Catholic.
- I'm not.
- You were a nun.
How can you be a nun
and not be Catholic?
It's one of those questions
they never ask.
They just assume
if you sign up to be a nun,
you know, must be Catholic.
Always go to the authorities
and they never suspect a thing.
- Does that always work?
- No.
Yes. I learned it when I went
to London when I was 19.
- What, like in crime training?
- No, going to the opera.
- The opera?
- Well, don't stereotype me, mate.
- I wasn't.
- Not everyone with a gun
- is uncultured.
- Carry on the story. I want to hear.
When I first went to London,
okay, I was, uh,
training to be
an opera singer.
And, uh, we used to go
to the interval,
and, uh, no one
would check the tickets,
so we'd just jump in
a spare seat.
This one time,
I went with my mate Callum,
and they were sold out and
I was about to do a runner,
and he went up to this usher,
who was a beautiful girl.
And he said to her,
"Have I got time to go
to the toilet
before it starts?"
She says, "You can go
to the toilet, but...
I'll have to put you
in a private box."
So, uh, we watched
the second half of "Tosca"
in a private box like kings.
Amazing.
And after the opera,
Callum shagged the usher.
It was a beautiful night.
That was lovely.
So, you're an opera singer?
What happened?
Oh, it's a very competitive
field, you know?
You gotta be really good
to progress and...
this is an opportunity
for some fast cash.
And then one thing
led to a...
hole in the leg.
What was your biggest part?
Pirate King
of "Pirates of Penzance."
Wow.
Just a tour. Just a tour,
but mainly to tourists.
- It's impressive.
- Mm-hmm.
Could you sing
something for us?
- Yeah.
- It might take your mind off your leg.
- No.
- Oh, go on.
- Please.
- No, I couldn't.
Oh, it's a non-smoking room.
I need to do something
for my pain, mate.
Can I have one then?
It's a non-smoking room.
We won't tell if you won't.
Yeah, Statton,
live a little.
I am the Pirate King
And it is, it is
a glorious thing
To be the Pirate King
Oh, better far
to live and die
Under the brave
black flag I fly
Than play
a sanctimonious part
With a pirate head
and a pirate heart
I'll be true
to the song I sing
And live and die
A Pirate King
For I am the Pirate King
Hurrah, hurrah,
for the Pirate King
It is, it is
a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King
It is, hurrah for
the Pirate King
- Hurrah
- The Pirate King
Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck.
Mr. Taylor?
It's the hotel duty manager.
- Get rid of him.
- How?
Answer the door and say you
were disturbed by a shot.
- A shot or a bang?
- Bang, okay?
Okay, no funny business,
'cause remember-- get on there.
Remember, I've got a gun pointed
at your girlfriend's head, mate.
Girlfriend?
Mr. Taylor?
Mr. Taylor?
Fuck it!
I'll go, I'll go.
I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.
What's going on, huh?
I was just woken up by an alarm
and then a shot-- bang.
Whatever.
And now you're thumping on my door.
Sorry, Mr. Taylor.
We had a complaint about,
uh, some kind of singing
- coming from your room.
- That was next door.
I was gonna complain
about that, too.
Okay, I'm going for his gun.
He's wounded.
We can overpower him.
- No, no. He'll kill us.
- He might kill us anyway. Come on.
I got an ace up my sleeve.
I've remembered where I know him from.
- What? Where?
- His name's Kipper.
- Oh, his name you remember?
- Well, I pictured a herring,
- and the book says it's easier to remember unusual names.
- Oh, my fuck!
- Look, when I tell him--
- Do not fucking tell him.
- What?
- If he knows you, he'll have to kill you.
- Why?
- Statton, I don't want to die,
and neither do you, so shut the fuck
up, and follow my lead.
But he--
I think you were right.
I do remember you.
No, I just think you got one
of those faces, like you said.
How can it be my face
if I remember you?
You...
were at Danno's party.
No, I-- I don't think I was.
Yes! Danno's!
You're the piano tuner guy.
We were doing shots
in the kitchen.
Oh, that Danno, yes.
Yes, I was. Yes.
- Sorry.
- I totally remember you.
So, you live around here?
- Mm-hmm.
- Then why are we in a hotel?
Come on, Statton.
You don't want to die
with a lie on your conscience.
That is true. As a Catholic,
it's highly inadvisable.
I, um, still live
with my wife.
- Oh, Jesus.
- No, we're separated.
I sleep on the sofa
in the living room.
Just hasn't been
the right time to leave.
Sure, you're separated,
but you still live together.
- Totally believable.
- I promise you, she won't mind me being here.
- I could introduce you, if you like.
- No, I'm fine, really.
So, uh,
how do you know Danno?
Well, my mate Theo
is his supplier.
You're a drug dealer, too?
No. Theo's a drug dealer.
I would never be
a drug dealer.
It's too fussy.
Might as well be a shopkeeper.
Oh.
Yeah? What do you got?
Will's brother
is cave-diving in Azerbaijan.
- I'm fucking dying here.
- Yeah, I know.
- I'm exploring other options.
- Like what?
- Theo knows this vet.
- A vet? Victor the vet?
Yeah, I think he said
his name was Victor, yeah.
Well, he's not even a real vet.
He got his diploma on the Internet.
Well, Theo swears by him. Said he was
a star when his wee doggie got shot.
I won't see a vet without
proper qualifications.
Hey, that doggie has little
wheels on his back legs now.
Are you telling me that his last
patient is now a paraplegic?
Yeah, all right,
I'll sort something else out.
And a packet of chewing gum, please.
Sugar-free.
How's the situation now?
Oh, ahem, yeah,
situation's under control, Dec.
You'll never guess.
Statton and I have met before
at one of Danno's parties.
What the fuck?
Are you a chartered moron?
If he knows you,
he can ID you.
If they can hear you,
don't say a fucking word.
This is why you
are the sidekick.
Fuck you. What do I do?
Well, you're gonna
have to kill 'em.
What?
Well, I, uh--
I've, uh, never--
never really had any experience
in that kind of area before.
Are you trying to tell me that you
have never killed anyone before?
That's correct.
Jesus. You must have.
- Well, I haven't.
- Are you sure?
Well, I'm pretty sure I'd
remember that sort of thing.
Jesus, Kipper.
And, um, you know, there's been
a little bit of bonding,
and, uh, reminiscences
and all that.
I have three previous.
I'm on parole.
I will get 20 years
for armed robbery.
I am not gonna do
20 fucking years
'cause you're a French fancy!
All right.
You'll have to kill her, too.
No. No.
- No, no.
- She will see you kill him.
We can't have her being
a witness to that, can we?
I can't do it.
All right, I'll do it,
if you admit
you're the sidekick.
You're wrong. It got a lot friendly,
and you don't shoot a friend.
I'm a lot less shootable
now that he knows me socially.
No, no, no.
You're wrong.
He can't let you go,
so now he can't let me go.
As soon as this is through
I'm taking Tina
and the kids...
Drop the gun and the phone.
- How did you get that?
- You left it on the chair, Pirate King.
I am the sidekick.
Hello, my name's Statton Taylor.
I'm in room 304.
We need police
and ambulance right away.
Oh, thank you very much.
Okay, bye.
Police are on their way up 'cause
of the earlier bangs-- shot, shots.
- Statton?
- Hmm?
- Get the gun.
- Oh, right.
Please, give me a chance.
Give me a head start, okay?
I've got kids,
I'm an opera singer, and...
I'm clearly not good
at this.
I'll quit.
I'll go into teaching.
- Police! Get on the floor!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Get on the floor!
Thank Christ you're here!
- What?
- They tried to kill me! I brought her up to my room,
and she pulled out a gun
and called her boyfriend.
- He was robbing us.
- You get your heads down!
The room's in my name.
My name's Statton Taylor.
Of course it is.
And I'm the one being held at gunpoint.
- I'm Statton Taylor!
- No, he's not!
- Shut the fuck up!
- Okay, okay, okay.
Have you got any ID, sir?
- Hey, that's my wallet!
- Shut it!
- Any photo ID?
- Ah, Jesus. They're the ones with the guns.
- Whose ID do you think it is?
- It's mine! He stole the wallet from me!
Very slowly look up
towards the door.
Sedgwick, manager.
Which one of these men
is Statton Taylor?
- That one.
- What?
- I talked to him earlier.
- His name is Kipper.
He went to the door.
He had us at gunpoint.
You're the one with the guns.
He's the one that's wounded.
- Twice. Wounded twice.
- We'll get you to the hospital, Mr. Taylor.
- We'll take a statement in the morning.
- Thank you, officer.
I thought they
were gonna kill me.
We do our job, that's all.
You do not
have to say anything,
but it may harm your defense if
you don't mention when questioned
something you later
rely on in court.
Fuck. Statton, I think I've got
a wrap of coke in my pocket.
What? Cocaine?
Mm-hmm. Can you reach it?
It's in my jacket pocket.
- But they searched you.
- There's a zip pocket inside the pocket.
- Just leave it there.
- No, no. They might have dogs at the station.
Why do you have cocaine anyway? It's illegal.
It's from a party
weeks ago.
- Just get it.
- All right.
God!
I can't.
- That is not my pocket.
- Sorry.
I've got it,
I've got it, I've got it.
Let's hand it in.
No, no. Just drop it
when we get out of the van.
No, you always go to the authorities,
that way they never suspect you.
Officer?
- Officer, I found illegal drugs in the back of your van.
- Statton, no, no, no.
Not your first time then.
- What?
- We've run a check on your girlfriend's fingerprints.
- She's not my girlfriend.
- Oh, I'm sorry. Your "lady friend."
Her name is Yvonne Page,
and she has a previous
for armed robbery.
We're not saying anything
till our lawyer gets here.
- Come back then.
- Oh, I will.
Fucking sidekick.
Fuck.
Where's the leg
that needs fixing then?
Your name's Yvonne?
Your name's not even Carol.
You have previous convictions.
Oh, that's it,
we're going down.
Oh, calm down.
It's not like I planned this.
If I did, I wouldn't have a
criminal record now, would I?
Still your fault. You grabbed the gun.
You had the cocaine.
Oh, my God,
I'm going down for armed robbery.
Oh, my giddy Christ, why didn't you
tell me you'd already been arrested?
- It was a long time ago. I--
- Well, how long ago?
Was it before
or after the nunnery?
It was actually the reason
I was asked to leave.
You committed armed robbery
when you were a nun?
I just drove the getaway car.
No one thought they'd chase
the convent car.
It had St. Lucy of the Isle
Convent written all over it.
You were a nun here
on the island?
- Mm-hmm.
- I thought you were a tourist.
I left the island years ago.
I just come back
every now and again.
To wreak havoc
and get people arrested.
Look, you're making
too much of it.
I got a suspended sentence,
I didn't do time.
Who are you even
doing this with?
- Errant nuns who needed--
- No.
I fell in with a bad crowd.
How? You were living
in a convent!
They were a youth group.
Troubled teens.
I was supposed to be
mentoring them,
- but instead--
- Instead, you committed armed robbery with them.
Oh, they were fun, and they offered
to give me some of the cash.
You have no idea how hard
the vow of poverty is.
- Fuck-a-fuck.
- Way worse than chastity by far.
Hello.
Statton Taylor speaking.
- Kipper! What's going on?
- Oh, calm down, mum.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'm in the hospital.
- You're not in the nick?
- No. No, no, no.
They caught the pair
that did it.
Are you telling me
the two people that can ID us
are in the fucking nick?
That's right, mum.
You really stupid,
you know that?
I woke Petal up
and got her to put on
a nurse's uniform
to instill confidence in you,
and you're not
even fucking here!
Look, someone with
a first aid certificate
that you do weekly role-play
with is not a nurse.
Mum.
Just get yourself out of the
hospital as soon as you can,
before
the Bobbsey twins ID you.
Love you, bye.
Prick.
We have to go, Petal.
Shame to waste the bed.
You could be done
in three minutes, Dec-ster.
This can't be happening.
This can't be happening to me.
- This is your fault!
- This is good for you.
You needed
something like this.
I don't want no trouble.
I just wanna go home.
Seems to me
like you need a new start.
Get your own place.
That problem
seems to be solved.
I'm about to get
a cell of my own.
It'd be better than
what you have.
You got no life.
Don't judge me.
You can't judge me.
I run my own business.
I tune pianos, which is a--
Which is,
when you think about it,
making something someone else
made very slightly better.
You don't make pianos.
You don't make music.
What the-- I allow
other people to make music.
Well, aren't you tired of letting
other people make the music?
When I started, there were
a thousand functioning pianos
on this island,
and now there are 400.
I'm not even a failed musician anymore.
I'm a failed piano tuner.
Except now
I'll be nothing,
because I'll have
a criminal record.
And what school or church
or community hall
is gonna give me the run
of their place, eh?
Because my life,
the one you say I don't have,
will be over.
You're acting like
we're guilty here.
The whole thing is kinda
funny when you think about it.
The cops arresting us
while the guy was in the room?
That wasn't remotely funny.
And who gives a flying frick
if we're innocent
if we can't prove it?
Look, when our lawyer
gets here, he--
he should be here.
What time is it?
Well, I don't know, because
the very expensive watch
that my wife bought me
has been stolen.
It wasn't expensive.
It was a fake.
My wife bought me that watch
from a very, very--
Then your wife was ripped off.
My dad was a jeweler.
I spent
my childhood in Philly
sitting in the back of
his shop wearing a loupe.
He called me Diamond Lil'.
My watch might be fake,
but at least I'm not.
What's that supposed to mean?
Mary, Carol,
Yvonne-- whatever.
Is there anything else
you want to tell me?
I don't want
any more surprises.
Well, one thing,
but it's tiny,
not even worth mentioning.
- What?
- It's nothing.
I demand you tell me.
Don't laugh at me.
This is my life!
- It was a bar fight.
- You were in a bar fight.
I was protecting a friend.
Some guy was getting sleazy
with her in the strip club.
What were you doing
in a strip club?
Stripping.
Right.
Okay.
Right.
Was this before
or after the nunnery?
After.
I couldn't pay the bills,
couldn't go home.
Did they know
you were a nun?
That was my act.
- What was?
- Stripping nun.
My character was called
Our Lady Of The Night.
You don't have to stay here
all night, you know.
- Not on my account.
- Don't worry, mate.
Better in here than it is out
there, I can assure you.
Don't want to stretch
your legs or anything?
Oh, thanks.
I'm meant to be here,
just until they've taken
your statement in the morning
and checked your ID.
Just formalities.
Well, I feel really reassured
that you're gonna be here,
Officer...
- Uh, Dean.
- Dean.
After all I've been through.
Well, I've, um--
I've gone and got myself
an errant nine on the top line.
Are you any good
at "Suduku"?
Sudoku.
Do you know, I'll have a go
at this for you, officer,
if you could get me a little
chocolate biscuit or something?
Hot drink? Anything?
Call me Luke, now that
we're sharing a "Sudoku."
Yeah, a crisp.
You might not care,
but I have things I need to get back for.
Oh, really? Do you, Statton?
You sleep on
your wife's sofa bed.
What were your
big plans tonight,
to go home
and jerk off and cry?
- Jerk off and cry?
- Jerk off and cry.
- Fuck off and die.
- Oh, come on!
Isn't a part of you enjoying that
something's happening to you?
- No!
- Wouldn't you like to have one story
that didn't end with,
"And there was a cat
trapped in my piano
all along?"
You loved that story!
You laughed at that story--
that story got you
into my bed!
That story made me realize
that you needed to get laid.
And you know what else?
At the hotel,
I left the door
unlocked deliberately
because
it's more exciting that way.
You fucked up nun!
You fucked up fucking nun!
Mm-hmm.
Yup, yup, yup.
Well, this seems
to be the room,
that makes you
the clients.
Are you our lawyer?
- Yeah. Yup.
- Can I get some ice please?
I doubt it. No. The facilities
here are surprisingly two-star.
- I'm really hurt.
- No shit.
So, tell me
how innocent you are.
How the cops
have got it all wrong.
They have got it all wrong.
Okay, Yvonne,
I'm listening.
I prefer Carol.
Or Mary or countless
other names.
Always reassures the court
if you have a number
of functional pseudonyms.
Yvonne will do.
Yeah. Yup, yup, yup.
Well, I'm Rich.
Uh, name only.
Obviously,
not literally rich
or I'd be drunk
this time of night.
Look, these guys, they stole my
watch, they stole my identity.
Yup, yup, yup.
Well, I think I have enough.
- You don't have a enough.
- They held us and gunpoint.
I have enough
to get you bail.
But you don't need bail
in the UK.
This is not the UK.
It's an island
Crown dependency.
You can get to
the mainland on a rowboat.
You need bail.
So, who do I call?
- I don't know.
- No one springs to mind.
Me neither.
Okay.
Tell me a very,
very interesting story.
Hello, Danno.
Look, I'm sorry it's so late.
Uh, it's Statton.
Yeah, right back to you.
Yeah, fine, fine.
How are you? Uh, look, sorry,
mate, I need to get to the point.
Do you remember a guy
called Kipper from your party?
Yeah, do you know
his surname?
- Oh, no, he doesn't know.
- Give me that.
Danno, are you Catholic?
Well, I'm a virgin
motherfucking nun
and I need you to
reach back down there
into you subconscious and figure the
fuck out what Kipper's last name is
or I'll personally see to it
that you're stuck in Purgatory
for the duration of your
natural born death!
Whew! Oof.
Yup.
Motherfucker.
Get the hospital
on the phone now.
Right. What was
his sidekick's name?
I don't remember.
I'm not very good with names.
They did say.
I did a mnemonic.
You used my mnemonics?
I pictured the Titanic.
Rearranging deck chairs
on the Titanic.
His name is Deck Chair!
Dec. Short for Declan.
Dec, Dec.
His name's Dec.
Uh...
Yeah, Kipper's gone.
He walked out
of the hospital
when Officer Dean went to
get him a chocolate bickie.
Go and make up
a better story
of how this criminal
got away.
Ideally, one that doesn't
make me look like a prick
for allowing the two
of you out of the station.
Go.
- Could we go?
- You're still charged with possession of cocaine.
I think under
the circumstances, Sergeant,
all charges
should be dropped.
Do you?
Sadly, I disagree.
Officer,
the drugs were mine.
Statton had nothing
to do with it.
Well, he was holding them,
which means
you're both in possession
with conspiracy to pervert
the course of justice.
Your bail just doubled,
you numpties!
Dec, I am out. I'm out.
Oh, good. They'll be out
sooner or later, too.
We got to get rid of them.
No, no, no, no,
it's too late.
Too late,
they'll definitely
have talked by now,
definitely.
Yeah, but you can't
have a trial
without witnesses,
can you, buddy?
I told you, right,
not to go into a room
where people
were still awake.
I told you
it was reckless.
But you didn't listen.
It was just meant to be
a bit of fun.
Something funny
to tell the boys.
Yeah, well, I'll tell you
what is funny, okay?
I gotta lay low, Dec? Okay?
The cops are after me
and they don't know
what you look like!
Does your kid know
what you look like?
Because at this rate,
he'll be identifying
your dead body
in the morgue, mate.
Hello, Denise,
I'm sorry to wake you.
Um, I'm in the police station.
I really don't want to ask,
but, uh, could you, um,
bail me out?
And my friend?
- Denise, thanks. Look--
- This your friend?
Yeah.
Can I have a word
with you please?
Um, sure.
Okay, I'll bail you out,
but you got take him.
- What?
- He can't come back to me.
Look, I don't know
what you think this is--
We broke up a year ago--
sorry,
I don't know your name.
Call me Carol.
Carol, please,
we broke up a year ago.
- Got a divorce.
- Well, he said separated.
He always says that.
We signed divorce papers.
He said he was gonna
get his own place,
he was just staying
on the sofa bed
- for a couple of weeks.
- Yeah.
Well, I've started
seeing someone else.
Six months went by,
new guy wants to move in.
- Oh, I see.
- Do you know, tonight is the first night
that he stayed out
after 10:00?
I was so hopeful.
I thought, "This is it.
He's met someone.
He's gonna go!"
I think it's more
of a one-night kinda--
No. No, it can't be.
I'll pay you to be
his transitional girl.
I mean, I'll bail you out.
Well, can't you just
ask him to leave?
I've tried to!
He just keeps not leaving.
I have come home
furious as fuck,
ready to throw him out,
change the locks,
and he's just...
he's cooked a risotto,
changed my light bulbs.
He's just not
the sort of guy
who you can throw out.
But now, now!
This is his own fault, you know.
I can do this now.
It might be my last shot.
- I don't know.
- Skip bail if you want.
Get the ferry
to the mainland.
I don't care,
just take him with you.
I beg you.
Do you take plastic?
You're throwing me out?
No, you're leaving me
for her.
But I need to come home.
I just got robbed.
I haven't got any money.
All right, you can have
what I've got in my purse,
then call the bank tomorrow.
You're in luck. Here's 100.
Good luck, Statton.
- What about my stuff, my--
- I'll send it on.
Where to?
Babe, ask Carol, huh?
You live with her now.
We made a deal.
Statton! Statton, wait.
Wait.
Statton, Statton.
Wait! Come on!
I can't believe you did
a deal for me.
- I'm not property.
- I didn't have much choice,
and she seemed
kind of desperate.
- I'm not living with you.
- Oh, really?
But I thought we were gonna register
for twin babies and matching china.
I hate you, I hate you!
You're a curse of a woman.
Why are you even here?
Let me give you
some cash, okay?
I don't want to
leave you stranded.
I know how hard
the vow of poverty is.
Okay.
- Look.
- Thanks.
Well, you want me to
buy you a drink or not?
You're going drinking now?
No, I'm gonna find out
where my pendant is.
- Why?
- It doesn't matter.
Well, exactly!
So, leave it!
My birth mother left it
at the hospital for me.
- What?
- I'm adopted.
Well, I didn't know.
I didn't either,
until I did.
And, well, she left it
for me when I was born
and I've never taken it off
since I've had it.
- Not before tonight.
- Oh.
And I know you think
it's just stupid
or just a thing or
whatever, but you know what?
I don't care
what you think.
I'm getting
my necklace back.
And you might
as well come with me,
you have nowhere
else to go.
And I bet who ever it's been
hawked to is in the streets.
Oh, my God!
It's Bollocks McGiven!
- Bollocks!
- Bollocks McGiven?
Oh, a long story
involving a night in Dublin,
a poker game,
and a frying pan.
Oh, Bollocks!
The unit's broken down again.
Would you mind coming by
and having a look?
Sure, it's probably the
throttle body cleaner again.
Oh, you're adorable!
Hey. You wanna Brexit?
Go back to my place?
- Oh, not tonight.
- Aww.
Do you know where
I can score in here?
Oh.
Sorry, kid, you need cash.
I don't give credit
to customers I don't know.
I swear I'm good for it.
I was robbed tonight!
There were these guys
with guns--
All right! All right!
Save your stories
for some Oprah who cares.
Hey! Did you used to do
a stripping nun act?
No. Must have been
someone else.
What the fuck?
If you talk to a drug dealer
without buying drugs,
they start to get suspicious,
and he's the guy
who'll know
who's got my pendant.
In a half hour,
that guy will be my BF and F,
and 'effing tell me
everything I need to know.
Just get rid of it.
Mmm.
I was hoping you would.
There's absolutely no point
in doing hard time for holding
if you're not gonna
have any fun.
I mean, that's just--
that's just embarrassing.
I just don't drink and drug.
You've never done it
before, have you?
What? Yeah...
And I kicked the gun
out of his hand, right?
It flew up in the air and I caught it,
and I put it to his head, and was like,
"Don't move, motherfucker,
or I'll blow your head off."
And then police, they've
surrounded the building.
They're like,
"Come out with your hands up."
And I was like, "Don't
worry, lads, I got this."
Bollocks!
I'm busting like
the six dams out here!
And if you've got any drugs,
I'd love some.
I'll be right out, Kitty.
The duty manager
comes to the door, right?
And I knew
it was either him or me.
And he's just
an innocent guy, you know?
He's probably got a family.
I don't want him to die.
The strangest thing is,
I don't even know karate,
but I jumped off the bed,
knocked him to the floor,
and the bullet went over
our heads.
I fucking love this song.
If you call out my name
I'll keep you safe
'Cause I wanna
fight for love
If you call out my name
So, if I wanted to
get rid of some jewelry,
something I borrowed,
who'd be interested?
You tried eBay?
I know that guy.
Yeah, I helped that guy get
a cat out of a piano once.
- What?
- I'm a vet.
You get called in
to do the craziest shit.
Theo loves that story,
don't you, Theo?
Victor, you've given away
the punchline now.
Hey, Buddy! It's all right, Asbo.
Dec wants you to call
him, back.
He says it's urgent.
Tell him we've found
what he's looking for.
- I gotta go.
- Wait, you haven't heard the story yet.
Tell her the story.
'Cause I'm gonna fight
for love
Motherfucker!
No, no, no, no.
I attacked him in front
of a police officer
completely unprovoked.
- I have to plead guilty.
- You never have to plead guilty.
I want to plead guilty.
It was the greatest moment
of my life.
I don't want to deny it.
Hey, guilty makes
my life easy.
And the police are
looking for Mary, right?
Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you want my advice,
as a legal professional,
don't worry about her.
She's a very
capable lady, mm-hmm. Eh?
So, how long
are we gonna wait here?
Until Kipper calls us back and
decides what to do with you.
We shouldn't have left
Asbo at the bar.
Well, there's a new scent
in the car, man.
Do you want him barking,
drawing attention?
He doesn't like being tied
up, though. You know that.
- He's a dog, man!
- Yeah, but dogs have feelings.
Hmm.
Can I have some gum?
Thanks.
So what's it like,
being a dealer?
- It's a living.
- It's not like being a shopkeeper then?
Did Kipper say that?
Is he still going on about that?
I've told him before,
it's a dangerous game.
It's not like running
a Tesco Metro!
- Jesus Christ!
- Well, he didn't say that exactly.
Oh, yes, he did.
I know him.
Don't let her wind you up.
I'm sorry.
I should have said anything.
I'm just thinking of
a career change, that's all.
Can you really buy a degree?
I didn't buy a degree, right?
I did a course.
On the Internet.
Distance learning is the future.
That's what I told Kipper,
and he said an Internet degree
is not worth the email
it's attached to.
- Fucking Kipper!
- You know, you guys shouldn't worry
about anything that guy says.
He got shot
in the leg tonight--
twice--
trying to rob a hotel.
I mean, who does
he think he is, Al Capone?
Oh, he's a fucking amateur.
And "Kipper"?
What's with that name?
It's a nickname.
Do you wanna know how he got it?
Oh, my God, so much.
Is it embarrassing?
Oh, you have no idea.
Dec wants you dead, kid.
He won't do 20 years.
So, get on the first ferry to the
mainland in the morning, okay?
Okay, I will. Thanks, guys.
And if you are gonna make those
Welsh cakes, don't forget...
- grease the griddle pan--
- With lard!
Oh, come here.
And by the way, it was me
who did the stripping nun act.
I knew it!
- Well, look who's in trouble again.
- Mary!
Oh, thank God.
I was so worried.
- What are you doing here?
- Someone had to bail you out.
- You don't have any money.
- Will you take plastic?
Thank you, Reverend Mother.
I really appreciate this.
Don't thank me,
thank Father Donald.
- It's his credit card.
- He always had a crush on me.
Father Donald better get
every penny of this back,
and some reward points.
- Where are you taking me?
- Please, just follow me, okay?
We should find somewhere to
hide until the first ferry.
I am getting off this God forsaken
island and never coming back.
Well, I can't leave, can I?
Where would I go?
Um, somewhere where
no one wants to kill you?
- I don't have--
- Statton, when was the last time
you went to the mainland?
Uh, probably my stag night?
I don't remember much
of that, to be honest.
- And how long ago was that?
- Uh, eight years ago.
Eight years?
Wait, you haven't been off this tiny island
in eight years?
I haven't really
had the time.
Yes, you have.
When was the last time
you lived somewhere else?
Did you go away
to college or...
You've never lived
anywhere else but here?
All right, that's it, buddy.
We are getting off this island
if we have to swim for it.
No, no, no, no.
Wait, please.
Just... it's a surprise.
All in all,
I'd say I'm very good
- for surprises this evening.
- One more?
Okay.
The convent?
Just wait in the chapel.
I'll be back.
Hi, sorry to bother you.
My name's Statton.
Um, I actually went
to Sunday school here.
Um, that's irrelevant.
Um, I'm a friend--
an acquaintance of Dec... lan?
Don't know no Declan.
Scottish?
Very-- quite angry.
He said you might have
a necklace.
Don't know
about no necklace.
- And the pendant or...
- Eh.
Are you sure?
'Cause, I mean, he was quite adamant.
All right, all right.
I had it, but I haven't
got it anymore.
Oh. Where is it?
Give me a minute.
I'll call the guy and get it back to you.
Oh, thank you very much.
It'll cost you.
500 at least.
- Sure.
- Wait in the chapel.
Are you online?
I could do
a bank transfer, you see?
Who's that?
- Saint Tropez.
- Oh, yeah.
Patron saint of suntans.
Heh. Suntans?
Okay, but it is Saint Tropez.
He was decapitated by Nero,
who set him adrift in a boat
with a rooster and a dog.
Rougher night than ours.
So, what's all the mystery?
What's the big surprise?
Have you resubmitted
my application to the convent?
'Cause I really don't think
they're gonna reconsider.
Just... wait and see.
Kipper, they're here.
I don't know how long
I can hold them.
Okay, confess something.
Um, if a customer upsets me
sometimes I make
their D slightly sharp.
- True.
- True.
I had an affair with
my math teacher's wife.
- That's gotta be false.
- True.
Sometimes when
I run out of underwear,
I'd borrow
my wife's boyfriend's.
- Um, true.
- True.
When I was a nun,
I was in a death metal band
called "Clitty Slickers."
True. Definitely true.
- False.
- I wasn't sure you were telling the truth
about being a nun until
Mother Superior turned up.
Okay.
Well, I didn't believe
for one minute
you were really
separated from your wife.
What was your worst
relationship?
Uh...
- My wife.
- Hmm.
- And your best?
- My wife.
You know what?
I think this is better.
Then it must have
been really bad.
It lacked, uh... romance.
We're gonna get it back.
You don't know that.
Mmm. That's why we're here.
- What?
- Father Donald's got it.
Well, he had it.
He's getting it back.
How did you find this out?
Dec told me
in the police station.
Dec told you?
And why do you think
he'd do that, Statton?
Because I paid him.
You paid him? You paid him.
What kind of fuckwittery
did they teach you
in piano tuning school?
Dec wants us dead,
and you just paid him
to tell us where to go
so he could have us killed.
Father Donald is a priest.
We can trust him.
Dodgy Donald? He's receiving stolen goods.
Think it through!
He's a priest that could
afford to bail us out.
Come on, we gotta
get out of here.
Fuck, I knew it!
Sorry, Mary,
I thought that--
Well, start thinking
of a way out.
Sure, uh, um...
- Windows!
- These windows are lead lined
and too high
to climb out of anyway.
No, no, we need to
attract attention.
Uh...
Get up. Move.
We've already been
to the police, Kipper.
There's no point.
No point going
down for murder.
It's only armed robbery.
No one got hurt.
Dec says if he gets armed
robbery, he goes down for twenty.
Dec gets 20, I get dead,
kids-- no dad. Hmm?
We'll refuse to testify.
Dec's not the sort of guy
you could do a deal with.
I don't want to do it.
I have to do it.
- You don't have to do--
- I have to do it!
Okay, okay.
You have to do it.
But can we-- can we at least
talk awhile before you do it?
Sure.
I want you to know that
I've never done this before.
You don't have to
kill anyone today, Kipper.
You don't have
to do what Dec says.
You're not the sidekick.
Don't call me...
an 'effing sidekick, okay?
- I hate being a sidekick.
- I know, I know.
Okay, I'm gonna do it.
- Oh.
- Oh, no, no. No, no.
I'm gonna do it
and then I'm gonna go.
Okay.
Just let me say
my prayers first.
You still believe?
Technically,
I'm still a nun.
- Hmm? How?
- Well, I was never defrocked
'cause I was just a novice,
so they didn't bother.
Well, you were pretty well defrocked
tonight, love, in the hotel.
I saw you, okay?
Some nun you are.
Lots of nuns sin, Kipper.
We're only human.
Okay.
Okay, ask for forgiveness.
Come on.
And say one for me.
Dear Lord, please forgive me
for my sins of the flesh.
And, please,
have mercy on the soul
of Kipper Jones.
I know that Matthew 20:13 says
that he who kills a nun
shall know no forgiveness,
but instead will burn
in a fiery pit.
But please, please,
make an exception
in Kipper's case,
for he knows not
what he does.
- Did you hear that? Hey!
- Do you mind? I'm praying.
Well, that's not
in the 'effing Bible.
Sure it is.
You think there's no scripture
covering nun killers?
And please, Lord,
have mercy on Kipper's soul.
I know that according to
your holy word in John 3:4,
you say that the eyes
will be plucked out of the head
of anyone who slays a nun
or the protector of a nun.
The protector of the nun?
It does not say that.
Show me. Show me where it
says that in the Bible.
Show me in the passages
where those words are used.
We don't have a Bible.
But we're in
a bloody church, mate!
Good point. Good point.
Good point.
You, get over there.
Show me.
Show me in that Bible.
The holy Bible.
Holy fuck.
Move.
Show me Matthew, John...
Show me where it says
those words, huh?
This Bible's in Latin.
But that's what it means.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
"Nonne ex denario
convenisti mecum."
"Nonne" means "nun."
"Ex denario" means...
"Convenisti mecum."
"The convent's down a nun."
"Non facio tibi."
"The faceless man
who does this evil act."
If you're lying to me--
if you are lying to me...
Why are they still here,
Kipper?
How long can this
possibly take?
Get out, get out! Huh?
Okay, okay.
- Stay there!
- Okay.
Huh? Hey!
You...
I was gonna do it, but I couldn't do it.
I'm sorry, Dec.
- She's a nun.
- Yeah?
Well, I'm a Methodist.
Statton!
I'm sorry, Dec.
I couldn't let you do it.
They're innocent.
I couldn't.
Oh! Kipper!
Oh, Kipper! Kipper.
I couldn't let him do it.
I couldn't.
I couldn't let him do it.
It isn't right.
What in the name of Saint Tropez
is going on in here?
Mother Superior,
call an ambulance!
Call the police,
Father Donald.
Call the ambulance.
Call the police.
Come here.
Oh.
Will you pray for me, Mary?
Will you pray for me?
You're gonna
be fine, Pirate King.
Just hold on.
Mary, don't go.
I've got your pendant.
It doesn't matter anyway.
Forget it.
- Of course it does.
- It doesn't. Look...
...when I was 18,
I stowed away on a ship.
Stowed away?
What year was this, 1872?
A cargo ship,
to get here, because...
this is where she lived.
Your birth mother.
And I thought she would be
so excited to meet me.
Well, she refused to see me.
Left me standing
at the front door.
She basically
abandoned me again.
Why are you back here?
Really, why?
She's dying, Statton.
Her husband wrote me,
told me he'd get me in,
that she should see me.
"Should."
Should! Not "wants to."
Things are different
when people are dying.
Look, I don't even think
he told her I was coming.
She probably would have
just rejected me
and then died
right in front of me.
Ah, she--
she might no reject you.
Yes. Yes.
And that's the comfort
I can live with
for the rest of my life.
I can live with uncertainty.
It's my specialty.
What I can't live with is
a second round of rejection.
I just can't.
And why should I?
Why should I let her make me
feel like shit on her deathbed?
Well, it might not
feel like that.
It might feel like...
home.
How do you know?
Well, you know
adventure, Mary.
Home is my forte.
Gosh.
- I'm--
- You're her...
when I first met her.
You can see her now.
She's very ill.
She'll only be able
to manage a short time.
Hello.
Oh, my gosh.
I'm sorry,
I'm not very good at Welsh.
I don't think
she knows who we are.
She doesn't know
who anyone is.
She's got dementia.
Then why did you invite me
if she doesn't know
who anyone is?
I worried you wouldn't come.
She can remember the past.
She gets distressed at times.
Please, I think
you might help her.
You came.
I came.
David said
I need to give you advice
for your honeymoon.
The only thing
I can say is this,
the best marriages
are those between
an ocean
and a lighthouse.
Two lighthouses are boring.
Two oceans crash about.
But a lighthouse
and an ocean
will last forever.
Take turns!
Let him be the ocean
sometimes, darling.
Turn your lights on
so he can find you.
You don't have to be
the ocean all the time.
No, no, no, don't take her!
Bring her back.
It's just
a hot water bottle, Aurelie.
They've taken her!
Bring her back!
- She's mine!
- No, I'm her.
Aurelie, I'm her.
Make them bring her back,
sister.
I'm here. It's me.
I'm her.
Say my name.
Mother.
Yes.
You're Charlotte.
I'm Charlotte.
Come with me.
I can't miss my court date.
I'll definitely keep
in touch, though, eh?
Hmm.
- Take this.
- Oh.
- For your legal expenses.
- No.
Go put a deposit
on a flat or something.
If you promise to go
to the mainland one day.
One day.
Excuse me, excuse me!
Mary!
Mary!
Mary.
You know you're early, right?
- What?
- You're supposed to come
when I'm on the ferry.
Yell, "Stop the boat!"
Well, you know me,
I'm punctual.
You know you can't really
jump in front
of a bullet, right?
It was instinct.
Huh.
You are an ocean after all.
Statton.
Statton.
Say my name.
Oh, uh...
Anne-Marie, Mary, Carol,
Sister Mary Catherine,
not Yvonne, Diamond Lil',
Our Lady of the Night,
Bollocks McGiven...
Charlotte.
Just call me baby.
Wait, are you wearing
your ex-wife's
boyfriend's underwear?
Not today.
Well,
there's a label sewn inside
that says "Dan Marks."
Oh, yeah.
Ah, I forgot to tell you.
Statton's not my real name.
You're kidding, righ?
Am?