- Hello.
- Wanna have a little fun?
- Who's this?
- Tell me your name
and I'll tell you mine.
I don't think so.
- What's that noise?
- Oops. I farted.
- I didn't think
you would hear me.
- No, that popping noise.
Oh. I'm making popcorn.
I'm getting ready to watch a video.
- Ooh. What is it?
- It's just a scary movie.
- Do you like scary movies?
- Mm-hmm.
- What's your favorite?
- Mm, I don't know.
Think.
Oh, I know. Um, Kazaam,
the one where Shaq plays a genie.
- That's not a horror movie.
- Well, you haven't seen Shaq act.
- Hey, you have a nice voice.
- Thanks.
You never did tell me your name.
Why do you wanna know my name?
'Cause I wanna know
who I'm looking at.
What--
What did you say?
Nice breasts.
Look, what do you want?
I wanna see
what your insides look like.
Well--Well, then,
turn to page 54.
Oh.
Hey, nice.
Listen, asshole, you've had your fun,
now you better stop or else.
- Or else what?
- Or else my boyfriend's
gonna be here any minute,
and he's black
and he'll kick your ass.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
You mean the one who wears makeup
and dresses like a woman?
- How did you know?
- Turn the porch lights on.
Help! Help!
Oh, that's not my boyfriend.
I mean, I've fucked him a couple
of times, but that's it.
Look, I'm calling the cops.
Go ahead. Call the cops.
But you might wanna
check the backdoor first.
You forgot to lock it.
Take that, you psycho!
I can't feel my legs.
I think my arm is broken.
- Sorry.
- I want my mommy.
Hello, Drew.
Oh, God!
- Daddy! Daddy!
- Ugh!
Daddy!
Daddy!
Daddy, no! No!
- Did you hear something?
- No, I didn't hear anything.
Bobby, what are you doing?
My dad's in the other room.
It just occurred to me. I never
climbed through your window before.
Now that you got it out of your system,
Bobby, you have to leave.
Why?
Shh. Come on.
What's going on in there?
Ow! Daddy's head is stuck.
Unstick Daddy's head.
- Dad, can you knock?
- Knock?
I thought I heard screaming in here.
- No. No, you didn't, Dad.
Well, it could've been that crack
I smoked earlier, I guess.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's what it was.
I gotta leave town
for a couple of days.
No big deal. Just that new business
I started with those Colombian guys?
- Oh, you mean Uncle Escobar.
- Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
Well, there's a problem.
Some money went missing.
And apparently,
some legs are gonna get broken.
It's just better if I lay low
for a couple of days.
- If the cops raid the place--
- I never heard of you.
- And don't forget--
- To flush your stash.
Oh, you are my little girl.
I love you so much...
that I left you a little something
in the coffee can.
- Dad--
- But you have to remember to step
on it before you sell it.
- Now, what are you
gonna cut it with?
- Um, baking--
Baking soda.
Not baking powder.
Because baking powder guys
will have muffins growing
out of their nose.
You love that joke,
don't you, honey?
You've loved that joke
since you were two years old.
- Okay, well--
- Okay, I love you.
- I love you.
- Have a good trip.
- Bye.
- Bye. Whew!
Is the coast clear?
Oh, Cindy, that nightgown.
That was close. God!
I was, uh, home watching
The Exorcist, and it
got me thinking about you.
If this is about the time
I puked green slime
and masturbated with a crucifix--
It was my first keg party, Bobby.
No. No. Uh, it was edited for TV.
All the good stuff was cut out.
So you thought you would just climb
through my window...
and we would
play bump-bump?
I was kind of hoping
to get my balls licked,
but I wouldn't wanna break
your little underwear rule,
now, would I?
So maybe just some
on-top-of-the-clothes type stuff?
Okay. But just for a minute.
What the--
Wrong set.
Bobby! Oh, Bobby!
l don't wanna wait
for our lives to be over
- No, Bobby, don't.
- Ow!
Jeez.
Yeah, my dad.
Okay, stud,
you have to go now.
Oh, um,
about the sex stuff?
I was only half-serious.
I don't wanna rush you or anything.
Hey, would you settle
for PG-13?
What's that?
Oh, jeez!
Good night, Bobby.
Shorty, you are so loud.
And make sure you take
your behind to class today.
- I do be going to class.
- Lunch is not a class, Shorty.
It is when you got
the munchies.
- See, that's why
you such a dumb-ass.
- Your mother.
You my brother.
That's your mother too, jackass.
Oh, yeah.
Well, then, your father's stupid.
So? I don't know him.
Yeah, me neither.
- Hey, girl, you ready?
- Yeah, in a minute.
- We're gonna be late.
- Wait. There's Buffy.
I don't know why
you hang out with her.
- She is such a ho.
- Why do you say that?
'Cause I've seen her.
- My friend Sean
had a pool party this summer.
- Sean?
You know, Puff Daddy?
Anyway, everybody was drinking
Cristal champagne.
And then it started to get wild,
and people were getting freaky
in the pool and stuff.
I look over and there was
your girl getting buck wild
in the Jacuzzi.
So?
With a backup dancer.
I mean, that's nasty.
That's-That's lower
than the security guard.
At least security can get you backstage.
She doesn't love herself.
Bye, Daddy.
- I don't know. I think
Buffy's sweet, Brenda.
She is as fake
as Press-on nails.
Hey, baby girl!
What is up,
my sister?
- Bye, Mr. Gilmore.
- Bye!
- Is he gone?
- Yep.
Do you like what you see
lt's all about the money
Hey, Cindy!
- I love this color.
- Let me see that.
- Oh, you guys should
not use this brand.
- Why not?
- Because they test
their products on animals.
- So?
Look, have you seen what they do
to those poor animals?
Well, I am much more
of a people person.
I'd like to feed all the hungry,
little children of the world.
I'd much rather help my fellowman
than some animal.
- Spare a dollar?
- Get away from me, you bum!
Buffy! Can't you see
he's just hungry?
Here you go, sir.
A nice sandwich.
- See?
- I said a dollar, bitch!
Ow!
God.
Look at this place.
It's a circus.
Hello. I'm Gail Hailstorm,
author of the book,
You're Dead, I'm Rich.
A small college town
is in shock...
after the unthinkable
has happened:
a brutal killing spree
that left one teen dead--
That's it. Two teens dead...
and this small town
shaken and stirred.
- It's times like these--
- Police are combing
the area for clues.
There are no witnesses
available at this time.
There are no suspects
in custody.
Police are asking anyone
to come forward.
Reporting live for Black TV.
White folks are dead and we're
getting the fuck out of here!
Grab your shit
and let's go, motherfucker!
Hey, do you think the press is gonna
wanna talk to us?
Oh, girl, no. The press
only wants to interview the most
ignorant person they can find.
I'm on TV! Oh, shit!
First Cops, now this!
Oh, man, I'm gonna be
a star, son!
- What can you tell us about Drew?
- Well, she had the fat ass.
- I mean, it was like bang!
- How close were you to the victim?
Real close.
Until the roofies wore off.
Then she woke up talking about
pressing charges.
So I just pulled my tongue
out of her ass and left.
What would have been
your last words to Drew?
Run, bitch! Run!
Hey, yo, dawg.
Does this shirt make me look gay?
No, man.
What about now?
- Nah. Yeah.
- Cool?
Here. Take one, guys.
Don't forget: election's Tuesday.
"Don't forget:
election's Tuesday."
Ah! Goddamn it!
Son of a bitch!
What's the matter, honey?
My report card.
Well, at least
you got one "A."
Yeah. I did, huh?
You're so smart.
- Hey, has anybody seen Bobby?
- Nah.
You know what?
That kid is always late.
I don't get it.
He lives so close.
See you later,
Hairy Mama, Bubba, Jim,
Big Jim, Little Jim,
Slim Jim, everybody.
I'll see you later. Ciao, Ding.
All right.
Damn, girl.
Mm-mm-mm.
- I'd sure like to get in them pants.
- Really?
Yeah. What size are these?
Hey, guys.
- Hey, Bobby.
- Hey, baby.
- How you doing?
- Good.
- You guys see all
the reporters out there?
- Yeah.
Saying that girl Drew Decker
got killed last night.
- You know what? I think I knew her.
- Really?
- She had a brother named Steve?
- Yeah.
Long hair, pretty little mouth,
perfect ass?
- That was her.
- Nah, I was talking about Steve.
Whatever happened
to him?
Do you guys think it's strange
that she got killed...
exactly one year
after we,
you know,
killed that guy?
Hey, Cindy,
that was an accident.
Was it, Greg?
Yeah!
Would you look
at what they're doing?
When are we gonna do
stuff like that, huh?
One day.
- You like that, baby?
- Yeah, that's different.
- You like that?
- Oh, I love that.
Oh, I love
when you play with my ass.
I'm not playing
with your ass.
- Ray!
- Oh, my bad.
Come on, man!
Hey, Bobby, put on some music.
Hold on.
Here. Putt his on.
lt's raining men
Yeah, that's the shit
right here!
Hallelujah
- lt's raining men
Baby.
-Amen
l'm gonna go out
l'm gonna let myself get
What? It's a classic.
Absolutely soakin' wet
-Put on the radio, man.
Yeah! Whoo!
- What? It was laundry day.
- What the fuck is--
Yeah!
Whoo! Yeah!
- Hey. Come over here.
- What?
- Just get a little closer to me.
- Something you're gonna tell me?
- Bobby, what are you doing?
I just want you to touch it.
Just touch it. Come on.
- Uh--
- Just a little bit. Come on.
Whoo!
- Ow!
- Oh, yeah, that's
what I'm talkin' about.
Oh, my God! Shit!
God, Cindy--
Oh, shit!
- Oh, my God.
- What was that?
I think
we hit something.
Oh, man!
Bobby, look at my car, man!
My dad's gonna freak!
I didn't see it.
It came out of nowhere.
- Oh, my God, we hit a boot.
- Where's the foot?
I don't know.
Where the--
It's a body!
- Oh, shit, is he alive?
- I don't know.
- Well, check it out.
- I can't.
- Shit!
- We have to call the police.
- No way. I ain't going to jail.
- We have to!
Cindy, do you know what they do
to young boys in prison?
And all those sex-starved
convicts just waiting
for a fresh piece of meat.
Hey, you're right, Cindy.
Maybe we should call the police.
Oh, yeah,
That's a great idea, Ray.
But what about Brenda, huh?
You think she wants
to go to jail?
This is manslaughter, okay?
We're all gonna fry for this.
- We're looking at 10 to 15 years.
- Shut up, Bobby!
- It's okay. I'm fine.
- Alcohol all over.
- We're in so much trouble.
- I'm fine.
- Don't blame
that shit on me, Ray.
- Look, we'll get rid of the body.
- Unnecessary.
- Now you're thinking.
- We'll dump him in the ocean.
- Not the ocean, the pier.
- Guess I'll be leaving now.
- That's a great idea.
- What about the alcohol?
- We'll get rid of it.
Come on. It'll be all right.
- Come on. Hurry up. Let's go.
- Put him in the trunk.
- I won't have anything to do with this!
- Shut up!
Cindy, come on.
We'll just pretend it never happened.
You know, like the time we got drunk
and we went down on each other.
- I'll get his arm.
- I'll grab I'll grab
his other arm. His ass.
We'll take him down to Williamson Cove
and we'll dump him in there.
The sharks'll take care
of the evidence.
Oh, my God,
someone's coming.
- Oh, shit. It's Shorty.
- Brenda, take care of him.
Shorty, I know you ain't driving
without no papers.
I got papers,
blunts, bongs,
all the ingredients
to make a high nigga pie.
- Hey, yo, can I help you?
- Yo, what's up, Ray?
- Yo, son, you all need jumper cables?
- Nah, we're cool.
Oh, good, 'cause I left
my roach clip at home.
- Go home, Shorty.
- Yeah, I-I'll see you later.
Peace, Ray.
- Get the trunk closed.
- It won't close.
I'll do it.
Hold on. Hold on. Put him down.
He's heavy. Oh, God.
Okay, look. On three we dump him
over the ledge.
Wait, wait, wait.
Shouldn't we at least check his wallet?
- For what?
- Shit, he might have some money.
We already committed murder.
We might as well rob his ass.
- I'll take the credit cards.
- I want his jewelry.
- I'm gonna take his drawers.
- Get off! Hey, yo, get off!
His drawers are mine! Yo!
- I got me a gold ring.
- Credit cards.
- All right, let's get him in the water.
- I don't think I can, Greg.
- It's not too late.
- Shut up, okay?
- Christ, already. I'll do it.
- Just get him in the water.
Okay. One, two,
three.
Right now we make a pact.
We take this to our grave.
- Agreed?
- Agreed.
- Agreed.
- Agreed?
- Agreed.
Say it, Cindy. Say it!
We take this to our grave. Say it!
We take this to our grave. Say it.
Greg, chill. Come on.
You're hurting her.
We take this
to our grave. Ow.
And we never
mention this again.
Mention what?
- The guy we just killed.
- Well, you just mentioned it, Greg.
Starting now!
Stupid bitch, man.
- God. I hate him.
- It's gonna be okay, baby.
It's gonna be okay.
I promise. Just touch it again.
Come on. Please.
- You have to move on, Cindy.
That's all behind us now.
- Exactly.
- It's a coincidence.
- Greg's right, Cindy.
I mean, what do you think
we're in, a horror movie?
Yeah, you guys are right.
If we were,
they'd probably cast some ding bat
like Jennifer Love Huge Tits to play me.
Yeah, or they'd cast people
in their late twenties,
early thirties to play us.
- Kenny, get the camera ready.
Here. Hold my gum.
- Sheriff, Sheriff,
can I get a statement?
- No comment.
Damn. Who do I have to screw around here
to get a stupid story?
Hey! Hey, no running.
Loser.
- Slow it down!
- Blow me!
All right!
Hi. Gail Hailstorm.
Field Reporter, Hard Story.
Special Officer Doofy.
Oh, hi, Doofy. Doofy, listen.
Is there a problem on campus?
- No comment. No comment.
- Okay. Okay.
You know, you look awfully young
to be a police officer.
- I'm 25 and a half years old.
- Ooh!
- Yeah, that's this many.
- Ah, so big.
Yeah. That's big.
Well, you don't look
a day over 12.
Except for the big head
and glazed-over look in your eyes.
- Ooh, was that drool?
- Yeah. I for got to swallow.
Don't worry,
'cause I never forget.
- Would you remind me
not to do that again?
- Sorry.
Due to the recent tragedy, the sheriff
and me, your principal,
will be questioning all students
throughout the day.
Wow. Sounds like we've got the makings
of a serial killer on our hands.
Yeah, I'm not supposed to say.
It's official police business.
Hey, Doofy, what do you say you and I
go inside my van over there...
and, uh, get to know
each other a little better?
- Would you like that?
Yeah, that van right there.
- That van?
Yeah.
- Yeah, okay, let's go. Come on.
- Oh!
A terrible tragedy
and an unbearable loss.
It's days like today
that we need prayer in school.
It starts to unravel
the very moral fabric
of our society.
Here you go, baby.
Go to your daddy.
Oh!
I'll see you after class.
- Sweet!
- All right!
Okay, class, who would like to give
their oral presentation first?
- Oh!
- Anybody?
- Yes!
- Anybody else?
Okay, Heather.
- Okay. Can I start?
- Yeah.
Okay, my presentation
is on the First Amendment.
And it began on May 25, 1787 in Philly
with George Washington.
And it states, and I quote,
"When our Founding Fathers
argued the passage
of our glorious Constitution--"
The First Amendment gives us the right
to say what we want--
Oh, shut the fuck up!
So, who's next?
Uh, Cindy Campbell.
Isn't she the daughter
of, well, you know--
- Oh, yeah, you know,
old Mrs., uh--
- Old Mrs.--
Yeah. Yeah,
the one and only--
The one and only.
- Why, hello, Cindy.
- Hi, Principal Squiggman.
- Thanks, Doofy.
- It's Special Officer Doofy today,
Cind.
Now, Cindy, Sheriff has some questions
that he would like to ask you today.
- What is that... god-awful smell?
- I don't know.
I got a poopie.
Did you just say
that you went poopie?
- Yeah. It was good.
- Mm.
- Get him out of here.
- Yes.
- Thank you, Doofy.
- Okay.
You should now go back
to Special Ed.
- Okay. Salute.
- Maybe a change of underwear, son.
- Bye, Doofy.
- Bye, Cind.
- How are you, Cindy?
- Fine.
- How are you, Sheriff?
- Bloated, constipated.
Got a boil on my ass
the size of a walnut.
You know, the usual.
Cindy, I want to ask you
some questions about Drew Decker.
- I didn't really know her.
- Oh, come on. Sure you do.
No. I mean,
I didn't really know her.
I've been in this game a longtime.
Don't bullshit a bullshitter.
Tell me about Drew. What
was she like in bed, Cindy?
Tried to get you.
It's an old police trick.
It's an old police trick.
You didn't fall for it.
Good for you, kid.
Hike!
Pass! Pass!
All right, shower up!
Yes!
Yo, Dugan, man,
nice play, yo. Word up.
Johnson, what a block, baby.
Word up. Woodward. Nice ass.
Damn.
Yo, Greg, what's up?
You gonna hit the showers or what?
No, man. I think I'm gonna workout,
beat the bag a little.
Suit yourself, kid. All right.
Last one in the shower's a rotten egg!
Come on, y'all!
I'm gonna get y'all!
Don't let Uncle Ray catch you!
Who did this? Huh?
Where are you?
This isn't funny, all right?
A small dick's like a disability, man!
Would you make fun of a guy
in a wheelchair? Huh? Would you?
Come on out here,
you sick fuck!
I'll kick the shit
out of you right now! All right?
It's not the size
of the hammer,
it's the nail
you're throwing it at!
It's a shame how she died.
- She was such a nice girl.
- Yeah, she used to baby-sit
my brother Doofy.
- He had the biggest crush on her.
- Ray, you're a dead man.
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.
You wanna get
butt-naked and wrestle?
- Bring it on, Ray!
- Hold my earrings. Where's my Vaseline?
- Take it easy. What's the problem?
- I'll show you the problem.
Oh--That's you?
They-They turned the hot water off
in the showers, all right?
Laugh it up, you guys.
Big laugh.
You know what?
You can all go to hell!
Greg, you're not the only one
who got one.
Oh, you mean
Bobby's got a baby dick too?
No. I was talking
about the note.
I got one too.
- Somebody knows.
- That's bullshit, Cindy.
Someone's just trying
to fuck with us.
We have to call
the police, Greg.
You call the police,
and I'll kill you myself.
- You're hurting her, man.
- And you know what?
That goes for all of you guys.
That psycho wants
a piece of me, bring it on.
But I'm not going to jail.
You got that?
What's everybody
talkin' about?
Just forget it, Shorty.
You already know too much.
Aren't they beautiful?
- Buffy!
- Contestant number one!
Very good.
And contestant number two.
Very good.
And contestant number three.
Buffy! That's my girl!
- That's my girlfriend!
- Yeah, that's my girlfriend too!
- Hey, kiss my ass!
- Yeah, I'm hitting that too!
- All right, Buffy!
- Hey, shut the hell up, man!
- The best pussy I ever had!
- What, you want a piece of me?
Now the talent portion
of the competition.
Oh, you guys, I'm gonna go
downstairs for a closer seat.
See you after the show.
Number three, Buffy Gilmore.
Hey, you know what? I'm gonna
go hit the head. You want me
to bring you back anything?
No, no, no. I'm good, man.
But hurry back. She's gonna perform.
- Don't worry. I'll be back.
- Good evening, Buffy.
And what will be
your talent for this evening?
Acting. I'll be doing
a dramatic reading.
Yeah, yeah!
Buffy Gilmore
doing a dramatic reading.
Hey, do that thing from Baywatch!
She's running down the beach!
Lookout, Greg!
Look behind you!
- It's him! It's the killer!
- Huh?
Oh, my God!
Somebody do something!
Somebody do something!
He's killing him!
- He's killing him!
- Must be an original piece.
He's killing him!
She's good. She's good.
- What's wrong with you people?
- That's fantastic.
You fucking bastards!
Why won't anyone help?
- Amazing.
- She's the next Pamela Lee.
Oh, God!
Oh, God! Don't!
Greg, hold on!
Give it up for Buffy Gilmore!
Beautiful.
Absolutely fantastic.
I think we have a winner,
ladies and gentlemen.
Miss Buffy Gilmore!
Buffy, wait.
You have to go back on stage.
- No. I have to get to Greg.
- But you won!
- They're calling your name.
- There's a killer--
- I won?
- They're calling your name. Go.
- Buffy, what happened? What about Greg?
- Oh, fuck Greg. I won.
- Congratulations!
- Oh, out of my way, loser!
Miss Buffy Gilmore!
Here she comes
Miss Teen She's So Fine
Such lovely tits
- Give me my crown, bitch.
And a great behind
There she is
Doggy style anytime
And l'll do her behind
behind and behind
Oh, there she is
She loves 69
There's no sign
of him anywhere.
- He could've taken the body.
- That's impossible, Cindy.
- There's no blood.
There's nothing. Look around.
- I bet it's just Greg playing...
another one of his dumb jokes.
He's gonna turn up. I'm sure of it.
He's probably at my house
waiting for us right now,
- you guys.
- All right, fine.
But you know what?
I'm gonna look around some more, so--
- You mind catching
a ride home with Buffy?
- Yeah, no problem.
- All right, fine.
- Call me later.
- Hello.
- Hello, Cindy.
- Who is this?
- It's me, Bobby.
You know, your boyfriend.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I guess
I'm a little jumpy lately.
- Hey, any sign of Greg?
- No.
- Do you want me to come by?
- No.
I'm just gonna take a bath,
and then I'm gonna go to bed.
Okay. I'd really like
to see you, but-- I love you.
Aw. I love you too, baby.
Bobby, I told you--
I still know
what you did last Halloween.
Who is this?
Ow! Ow!
- Hello.
- I'm gonna kill you.
- I'm gonna slice you up.
- Who is this?
- I'm gonna chop you like liver.
- What do you want?
I'm in the house.
Do you know where I am?
I could be anywhere.
I'm like the wind, baby.
Yeah. Where am I?
Um, you're-you're
behind the couch.
What? How do you know that?
I can, um, see your feet.
Ah! Okay, turn around.
Close your eyes.
No peeking.
Yeah. No. No. No.
Hey, no peeking.
No peeking. Turn around.
Good.
Okay, now you look.
Now do you know
where I am? You don't.
No, Mr. Killer.
I don't know where you are.
I'll give you a big clue.
Oh! I gotta stop drinking.
- Grandma!
- Ow, baby!
Oh, my hip!
White woman in trouble off the 744--
Are you okay? I heard screaming.
What's going on?
- Bobby, he was here.
- Shh.
- The killer was here, Bobby.
- It's okay.
- I can explain that.
- Oh, my God.
A friend gave 'em to me.
Cindy. Cindy.
Cindy. Cindy!
Cindy! Cindy! Cindy!
It's me, Cind.
Cindy, you know me. Cindy.
I know you've had a rough night, Cindy,
so I won't keep you.
I just want you to look at some photos.
Tell me what you think.
Mm-mmm.
- No?
- No.
- I'm sorry, Sheriff.
- You sure?
Okay, you're free to go.
Do you have somebody picking you up?
- Yeah.
- Oh. Just--
Just check
that one out again.
- Mm, no.
- No? No? Well, worth a shot.
All right, thanks.
- Guess what I just did
with those hookers we busted.
- No way.
All the way, man! Yes, yes.
Watch this. Doofy!
- Yeah?
- Come on. Come on.
Okay.
Special Officer Doofy reporting.
Hey, Doofy,
smell my fingers.
- What's that?
- That's when you know
you've become a man, Doofy!
Hey, Terry,
smell my finger.
- What the hell is that?
- My ass.
- Get the hell
out of here, Doofy.
- Doofy.
- Mom said get home now.
- Tell Mom I'm on official
police business.
- Cindy, are you okay?
- Hey, hey, hey.
No talking to the witness.
- Go get in the car, Doofy.
She's coming with us.
- Does Mom know?
- Yeah, Doofus.
- Mom says when I wear this badge,
you're supposed to treat me
like a man of the law.
Mom also said for you
to stop sticking your dick
in the vacuum cleaner.
- Oh!
- Oh!
Okay, three, two--
- Oh, no. Gosh darn.
- What now?
- It's just that there's all
these numbers with deci--
- What, can't you count?
- No, I can count,
but there's really--
- Let me make it easy for you.
This little piggy went to the market.
This little piggy stayed home.
Now, if this little piggy doesn't roll
the goddamn camera--
- I'm gonna put my foot
up his fuckin' ass--
- We're live, Gail.
Gail Hailstorm standing out front
of the police station...
where I'm going to try and get a glimpse
of Cindy Campbell,
the young girl who was attacked
earlier this evening.
- You're on my foot, fat shit!
- Sorry, G--
- What did I say?
- "Don't ever step
on Gail's shoes."
- Why not?
- Because Gail wears Prada shoes.
- You idiot.
- I'm a bad man.
Cindy! Cindy!
- Cindy, can we get a statement?
- Buffy Gilmore, Miss Teen.
- She's not talking.
- Is it true the police
have someone in custody?
- Come on, Cindy.
- Cindy, your ass looks fat!
Bitch!
- Good shot.
- Come on.
- All right, who copped a feel?
- Gail, it was me.
- Oh, my God.
- It was an accident, Gail.
I only touched it,
the top of the breast.
- It was so tender and juicy.
- Shut up!
- Yo.
- Hello, Shorty. What are you doing?
Nothin'. Sittin' here watchin' the game.
Smokin' some bud.
Are you all alone?
- Wassup?
- Wassup?
What the--
Who's that?
Yo, pick up the phone.
- Wassup?
- Wassup?
Yo, Dookie,
pick up the phone!
- Yo.
- Wassup?
- What you doin', son?
- Nothin'. Just chillin', killin'.
True. True.
So you think
Bobby did it?
I don't know.
But he was there, Buffy.
I knew there had to be something.
He's just too perfect.
Handsome, smart,
good in bed.
- What did you say?
- Uh--
Hey, Cind.
Got your ice pack for your hand.
- Ow!
- Sorry.
I'll get you one for your head.
No, no, that's okay, Doofy.
Hey, we're gonna get that guy
you dumped in the water. Yeah.
I'll be next door
if you need me.
Night, Cind.
Buffy, you told him?
The moron overheard a conversation
Greg and I were having.
- Yeah, but what
if he says something?
- Who's gonna believe...
a retarded retard
like him anyway?
Cindy, telephone.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- Hello, Cindy.
- Guess what.
- No!
- You got the wrong guy.
- No!
- Doofy!
- It's not Bobby.
Who is this?
- Doofy! Doofy!
- Oh, my God.
Hello?
Hello?
I said don't disturb me
while I'm cleaning my room!
I heard Bobby got out
this morning.
I haven't seen him around.
Is he pissed?
You mean since
you branded him the Candy man?
No. His heart is broken.
Yo, son. It's like
I seen this all before.
They had a killer at
your old high school, Shorty?
No, it was in this movie Scream.
Same dialogue and everything.
This is ill.
- How did it end?
- I don't know.
Some niggas started shooting
up in the movie theater,
so we just broke out.
- No doubt.
- Okay, I say we all
just stick together.
Tonight everyone
meet at my house.
And bring some friends.
But don't tell everyone.
Try to keep it quiet.
Okay.
Yo! Party at Cindy's house!
Drunk white women for everybody!
Ray, if you see Bobby,
tell him I love him.
Okay. If I see Bobby,
I'll tell him I love him.
- Jesus!
- It's okay. It's all right.
It's just me, baby.
- What, you don't still
think it's me, do you?
- No.
It's just that somebody
did try to kill me.
- And the police said
I scared him away.
- I know. He called me last night.
You see, it couldn't have been me.
I was in jail last night. Remember?
You're the best.
I'm sorry.
Please understand.
Understand what?
That my girlfriend would rather
call me a killer than touch me?
- That's not true, Bobby.
- Then what is it?
What is it?
She's gone and she's not coming back.
- It's been over a year, Cindy.
- But Ginger was such an important
part of the Spice Girls.
- Oh, you gotta move on, baby.
- Oh!
I'm sorry if my complicated life...
is an inconvenience
to your perfect existence.
Cindy. Cind.
Okay, everybody, listen up.
Let me just say, uh,
the killing of these teenagers
has been tragic, but, uh--
Hey, you know, shit happens.
Sheriff! Sheriff!
- Yes, Miss Thunderstorm.
- Have they found
Cindy Campbell's father?
- No.
- Isn't he a suspect?
That is classified information.
Where are you getting that?
I'm sorry, but my sources
are strictly confidential, Sheriff.
Hey, Gail.
Gail swallows.
Watch this.
Hello. Who is this?
What?
You wanna kill me?
Oh, God. Hold on.
Cindy, it's for you.
All right,
knock it off, Buffy.
Now, as you all have heard,
there is a killer in town...
and the police have asked us to give you
the following safety tips.
Stay in well-lit areas.
Do not travel alone
whenever possible.
Always wipe front to back.
And remember, never, ever
believe someone...
when they tell you
that shaving your pubic hair...
will rid you
of crab infestation.
Now, I understand
this is a difficult time
for you young ladies.
So if anyone needs
to come to my office to talk,
I am here for you.
- What a crock of shit.
- It's not, Buffy!
He's real!
Miss Mann?
Come in, dear. Have a seat.
Take off your bra if you'd like.
No, thanks.
What can I do for you,
Cindy?
I need to talk.
See, I have this problem...
and I don't know
who to tell.
- Not feeling so fresh?
- Huh?
Feminine odorand itching
got you down?
Uh, no. No, not that.
Then what is it?
I have a terrible secret.
Well, Cindy, we all have
our little secrets.
Sometimes we do things
we're not so proud of.
Some for money,
others to gain the athletic edge
on the competition.
Sometimes those secrets
come back to haunt us.
- Aah!
- Do you know what I mean?
Yes, I do, um, Miss Mann.
Thanks for ball--
I mean, all your help.
I have to go to class.
Anytime, dear.
- Buffy, are you coming?
- I'll catch up with you guys in a sec.
Red rum.
Hello?
Somebody there?
Hello!
Very funny.
Who put you up
to this, Cindy?
Lose the cape.
It's way too '90s horror.
Oh, so what movie is this from,
Die, Cheerleader, Die?
Wanna play psycho killer?
Can I be the helpless cheerleader?
Oh, so this is where
I'm supposed to beg for my life?
Please, Mr. Killer,
don't kill me.
So is this where
I'm supposed to bleed?
Oh, look,
I'm bleeding!
Oh, yeah,
I'm supposed to run, right?
Okay. I'm running!
I'm running! Help!
Help! Now I'm gonna fall
and break my leg, leaving me helpless.
Aah!
There you go, Mr. Scary Killer.
I'm panicking now.
Oh, God!
Somebody please help me!
Oh, God, no!
No!
Oh, now what?
I guess this is the big climax.
Hope you don't mind if I fake it. Aah!
Oh, look at me.
I'm all dead.
I'm a gross, scary severed head.
Come on. Please.
Do you know who I am? I'm Miss Teen.
You're really giving me a headache.
And you got blood
all over my Gucci sweater.
I hope you're gonna pay for that.
Ah! I will not be ignored
by the likes--
- I'm gonna jump!
- Phil, get back in there.
- No!
- What are you doing up there?
- Be reasonable.
- I can't take this fucking job...
or those greasy
shithead teenagers anymore!
- I'm going to end it all!
- Wait! Hold on!
We're getting help for you!
Now we know Bobby's not the killer.
So who is?
I don't know.
If the killer
was in your house last night,
why didn't he just kill you then?
Because he's just
messing with us.
Don't you see?
He's got us right where he wants us.
We can't go to the police.
He's just out there
watching us and waiting for us.
What are you
waiting for, huh?
What are you waiting for?
What are you
waiting for?
What am I waiting for?
- What am I waiting for?
- What are you waiting for?
Fuck you!
Oh, my God.
Ray, I still don't think
this party is a good idea.
- You know I'm not gonna
let nothin' happen to you.
- I just don't feel right.
- Why can't we just
do something else?
- How about we go to the movies?
Huh? You like that?
See a little movie, huh?
- Hey! This is my song!
- Hey!
- You know they gave me
a shout-out on the album, right?
- What?
Every where l go
l see the same ho's
Ooh, Brenda.
Did I tell you how sexy you look
in my jersey?
- I do, Ray?
- Yes.
I like it. Hey, get up.
Go over there. Let me see it.
Ooh! Yes, I like that.
- You like that? You like that?
- Yeah. Hey!
- Hey, put this on with it.
- Ray, you are so freaky.
- That's right. You know
I'm freaky, girl.
Go on. Pull it.
Pull it up.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ahh!
Yeah. Here. Put this on with it.
Goon.
- Are you sure?
- Go on, girl. Go on. Pull it on.
- Okay.
- Goon.
- I like that look.
- Ooh! I'm bad.
Here. Put this on with it.
Go on, girl. Put it on.
Yeah. Put that shit on there.
Come on. Just shove it on.
Do it. Yeah.
Ooh, so fucking sexy.
Come here, girl.
Bring your little sexy ass
over here. Come on!
Full speed. Charge!
Yes! Yes!
Come on! Turn around!
Turn around! Come on!
Yes, Brendan!
Take it, Brendan! Take it, Brendan!
- Who?
- Uh-- Uh, Brenda.
Put the helmet on.
No, let's role-play.
Come on. You get me.
- Come on! Come on!
- Huh?
I'm here at Lover's Lookout.
It's dark,
it's in the middle of nowhere,
and it's where hormone-driven teens
love to come and fool around.
So very likely we're about
to see someone get killed.
Okay, sure enough,
there's a girl in that car,
blouse unbuttoned, all alone.
Let's see if she'll have
a word with us.
Hi. Gail Hailstorm,
author of the new book
You're Next.
- Oh, yeah.
- Can you tell us your name?
- Well, my name's Heather.
- Can you tell us what you're
doing out here all alone?
Well, yeah, sure.
My boyfriend and I were
just, like, making out...
and then we heard a noise out there,
so he went to go check it,
but--well, that was,
like, ten minutes ago.
Yeah, yeah. Has it crossed your
little mind that your boyfriend
was probably murdered...
and you're about
to be slaughtered next?
- Really? No way!
- Way.
- Heather, good luck.
- Okay, thanks, Gail.
You're the best.
- Just as I thought. The murder
is happening as we speak.
I'm going to try and break
in to the bloodshed.
Are you getting this?
Excuse me. Heather, can you tell us
what you're feeling, honey?
Lots of pain. Gail, please help me.
Gail, please!
I'd like to help you out, kid,
but it's sweeps.
Sir, sir, can I get a word with you?
You got a lot of nerve coming here.
I'm just trying to do my job.
- Get the camera off me now!
You're dead, bitch.
- No, Kenny, keep rolling!
I'm gonna slice your head off
and shove it up his ass.
Get that camera off me!
Oh, my God, Kenny!
Kenny, move your fat ass!
Kenny! Oh, my God,
he's right behind you!
This man is chasin' Miss Gail.
I'm so scared right now.
I just want to say...
to the family
of my cameraman, Kenny,
I am so sorry.
This was my interview,
my story.
It's all my fault.
- You want some popcorn?
- Uh-uh. I brought me
a little snack of my own.
- You want some chicken?
- Nah.
Mm-hmm. For all y'all talkers
up in here, it's time
to keep it down right now.
Shh.
Shh, back at you. Shh!
Why they actin' already?
It ain't nothin' but the previews.
The largest ship
the world had ever known.
Its 400 passengers and crew
on a maiden voyage
to a brave new world.
A journey that would change
their lives forever.
Whoo!
I'm the king of the world!
Whoo-hoo!
Get your ass back down there, boy!
- I'm gonna go to
the bathroom real quick.
- The movie about to come on.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Here. Take your hot sauce.
Hurry up, man.
Don't be long.
Back up!
Let him through!
You can move back some.
You don't own the theater.
And they're off!
It's number three in the lead.
Number two close behind.
And number three
is the winner!
Number two has placed,
and number four to show.
Next week's Triple Crown
starts at 2:30.
Be here early.
Hey, who was that?
Go ahead.
Do it again. Do it again.
Anon.
Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
Mm-mmm!
Don't goin there!
Lord, I'm gonna have a heart attack!
Man, this is
some scary shit!
Oh, I am scared!
- Excuse me.
- I think I paid my money like
everybody else up in here.
- ...out of her favor--
- That ain't no man.
- You can see her real hair right there!
- Do you mind?
I know you better
get outta my face!
Outta my face!
Outta my face!
This is all me up in here.
You handle that.
- Will you shut the fuck up!
- Yeah!
Mmm, mmm.
This movie is good.
Hey, baby.
You came back just in time.
She's about to get it on
with Shakespeare.
- She dressing like a man--
- Shut up.
Yeah, I got you.
I got you on camera.
You on Candid Camera now.
You ain't know that.
Hello. Hey, girl.
Uh-uh. I'm in the movie.
Shakespeare In Love.
Uh-uh. Ooh! You lying.
For Christ's sake,
will you just shut your trap!
- Shut up!
- Hold on.
I don't know why y'all
is actin' like this.
My girlfriend already seen the movie.
She said they don't even stay together
in the end.
Give me that.
Right on.
Will you sit down.
Shut up.
Your ass is grass.
- This is for Thelma!
- And Louise!
This is for talking
through The Fugitive!
- You ruined Schindler's List.
- Jackie Chan movies.
- Boogie Nights!
- And Big Momma's House!
Aaaaaahhhhh!
And I cannot marry the daughter
of Sir Robert De Lesseps.
Um, you guys,
there's a few too many people.
Oh, honey, please don't throw--
Hey, you guys, stop.
Hey! Hey, please!
That's my dad's!
- No, don't touch--Ah, no!
- Do you have more beer?
- Do you have more beer?
- Um, yeah. Uh, check in the garage.
No, no, no, no!
Don't!
Kitty, you scared me.
Horsey.
Oh, you scared me too.
Hello?
Who's there?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Please, don't!
Please! I'm just a day player!
Oh, my God!
Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Yeah!
Oh, Bobby. Bobby.
I was worried about you.
I thought the killer got to you
before I could.
Could what?
I wanna go upstairs.
There's something I wanna show you.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, party on!
- Yeah!
- So--
- So.
Here we are... again.
Yeah.
And, you know,
if you're not ready,
I'll understand.
Bobby.
I am ready.
- You are?
- Yeah.
I can't keep fighting
these urges.
I have to just
give in to them...
and let them flow.
Right.
- Bobby?
- Huh?
I have been so selfish.
This is like a scene
from a movie or something.
Only it isn't a movie, Bobby.
This is real life.
It's all a movie, baby.
There's the sound guy.
There's the script supervisor.
How ya doin', baby?
- Bobby?
- What?
What I mean
is that in real life...
you have to enjoy
each moment.
Mmm! Ow!
Bobby.
Bobby!
Can I tell you a secret?
Sure, man.
I see dead people.
Man, this shit is awesome!
Yo, son, we gotta roll
some more of that shit!
Ah, shit!
We don't have
anymore papers, man.
We don't have
anymore papers.
Oh, man!
What can we use to make a bong?
Toke! Toke! Toke!
Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke!
- Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke!
Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke!
- Yeah!
Oh, shit, son!
Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke!
Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke!
- This some good shit!
- Bobby! I've never done this before.
- What?
It's okay. It's okay.
It's just like--
It's like sucking on a Tootsie Roll Pop.
- A Tootsie Pop?
- Yeah, a cherry-flavor one.
- Oh.
- With the fudge in the middle?
- Okay.
Show me now
Show me how
How it feels
when we're together
-Just like that.
l'm afraid
if we wait
Just like that, baby.
We'll be waiting till forever
Ah!
Oh! Jesus!
I never could wait
to get to the chewy middle.
- You know what? Let me.
- Oh. Okay.
Goddamn!
l'm flyin' solo
but don't know if l can stop
Don't ask me why
Don't make me lie
Just kick back
Just sit back
Enjoy the ride
'Cause l'm a spaceman
Guess it's been a while.
So stay with me
Oh! Oops!
It's very, uh, '70s of you.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Bobby!
Come here, Bobby!
I want it now!
Oh, man,
am I fuckin' stoned!
Yeah, me too, son.
Hey, you guys hear that?
Oh!
Shh!
Hello?
- Hello.
What's your favorite scary movie?
- Hello?
Let me talk to her. Shh!
I'm gonna gut you like a pig!
Oh, yeah! Oh!
Yeah! What's my name, Bobby?
What? Ah!
- What's my name, bitch?
- Ow! God! It's Cindy!
Whose is it, Bobby?
Whose is it, Bobby?
It's yours.
Ahhhhhh!
Oh, my God!
Oh, shit!
Don't even contest
'Cause l'll make you undress
Like porn dancers
waitin' at the front door
for an answer
Hey, yo, l'm sick
of artificial MCs
like silicone titties
Hey, yo, check it, yo.
Fucka cheap ball
l wanna smoke
Cheech and Chong
And if l wanna fuck long
l let my ding-a-long
hit the bong
And then the song
Always pass the dutchie
to the left
Because the right way
is wrong
- Whoo-hoo!
- I got one. I got one.
Here it goes. Ready?
I'm gonna slash and gash
Cut another hole in your ass
I spill blood on the walls
then play tennis with your balls
lf the phone rings
don't answer the call
Gonna slit your throat
fuck you like a goat
Peel your foreskin off
and make a wintercoat
Peace!
Yo!
That was the illest rhyme
I ever seen, son!
Bobby...
where were you tonight?
- What?
- I was just curious.
What took you so long
to get here?
Why you so curious?
I don't know.
I thought it would fit
the '90s horror cliche...
if you turned out
to be the killer.
Oh, so, what? You think
I killed Buffy and Greg?
Buffy and Greg are dead?
- I thought you knew that.
- Oh, my God!
Bobby, turn around!
It's the killer!
Cindy!
- Oh, my God! Bobby! Bobby!
- Cindy. Help me.
- Bobby, it's okay.
- Gimme the gun. Gimme-
It's gonna be okay, Bobby.
Yo, wait for me!
There's a killer in the house!
There's ass, blood
and guts everywhere!
Someone done gone crazy,
son!
- We all go a little crazy sometimes.
- Bobby, no!
Oh, shit, son!
Oh, my God!
Cindy, he shot me in the lungs.
You wanna hit this shit?
Ketchup.
Just like my mom puts on
her spaghetti, baby.
Oh, my God! Ray, you've gotta help me!
Bobby's gone crazy!
Surprise!
Surprise, Cindy!
Why are you doing this, Bobby?
Why? Why? You hear that, Ray?
I think she wants
a motive.
- Did Scream have a plot?
- No.
Did I Know What You Did Last Summer
make any sense?
Don't think so!
What about the sequel?
What was with that fat,
white Jamaican kid?
- I wanna kill that motherfucker.
- It was bad casting, Bobby.
How about this for a motive?
Lack of sex!
It can cause serious
deviant behavior.
- I thought you loved me.
- Oh, I did, baby.
I did. But abstinence can make you
discover new things about yourself.
That's right, Cindy. I'm gay.
And in case you haven't noticed,
so is Ray.
What? I ain't gay.
- What are you talking about?
You took me to that club.
- So, they play good music.
- What about our trip
to San Francisco, then?
- I wanted to go shopping.
- But you made love to me.
- No. First of all, you sucked my--
Whatever, Ray!
I don't want to talk about this now.
The point is, I'm a new man,
and I'm ready to leave all this
behind and start a new life.
- So you killed all your friends?
- Oh, no.
Just you.
And maybe Shorty,
but that wasn't planned or anything.
But here's the genius part.
We're copycatting a serial killer
that already exists.
- It's the perfect crime, Cindy.
- But wait! There's more!
Hang on to your seat, baby,
'cause this one's a screamer!
- I'll be back.
- Uh-oh.
Move your big ass.
Come on.
Dad!
What are you gonna do,
frame him?
Nah. We're just havin' a little bit
of fun with old daddio.
The police are gonna find
you and daddy both dead,
and me and Ray are the only survivors
of a maniac's revenge.
- You ready? I'm ready.
- You ready? I'm ready to do this shit.
- Come on. Come on. All right.
- All right.
- Come on!
- Give it to me. No!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Ready? All right. Let's do this.
- Wait, wait. Ready.
- Come on. Come on.
- Ready.
Give it to me!
No! Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!
- Remember what we talked about?
To the side.
- I know.
- How many times
we gonna go over this?
- Okay.
Stop. Just--
All right. Trust me, okay?
- All right. I'm ready.
- Trust me. I got this shit. Ready?
- Wait, wait, wait!
- I'm about to cut your throat, boy!
Stop acting like a little girl.
Come on. Come on!
- You're right, you're right,
you're right. Yeah, come on!
- Come on. You ready?
No! You guys are psychos!
You've seen
one too many TV shows!
No! Watching television shows
doesn't create psycho killers!
Cancelin' TV shows does!
The Wayans Brothers
was a good show, man!
It was a good-ass show,
and we didn't even get a final episode!
Take it easy!
I'm feelin' a little woozy here!
It's my turn.
Give me the knife.
Fuck outta here.
Ain't nobody stabbin' me.
Surprise, Cindy!
All right, all right.
Hold on a second.
Just give me a moment.
Ah. One--
Oh, yeah. That's it.
Ah. Okay.
Dad!
Are you okay?
I thought I told you
not to have a party unless I was here.
But, Dad, you were here.
You were in the closet.
Oh, yeah, that's right. Did you get some
girlfriends' numbers for me?
- Dad, they're dead.
- Ah, you know, I can't get a break.
What's that? Is that the cops?
Okay, okay, listen, honey.
Help me up now.
Uh-- Uh-If the cops come, tell 'em
I'm a plumber, okay?
You had a leaky faucet, and you
called, and they sent me over.
We don't know each other.
No! No!
Dad, Dad, put your arms down.
- What the hell's goin' on here?
- Sheriff, it's a bloodbath in there.
- He was right here! I swear it!
- Who was?
The killer!
The guy that murdered all my friends!
And the sick bastard planted drugs
all in the house there.
- All over the place.
- Dad. Stop it.
All right, Cindy.
I'm gonna have to take you
down to the station.
I'm cool, though, right?
- I'm okay?
- Let's-- Let's go, Cindy.
Cindy. Call me.
Daddy'll get you out, honey.
Okay. Let's go over this again.
- You say it was an accident.
- Yes.
- He was on the road.
- And you think he came back
to get revenge?
- It has to be him, Sheriff.
Here, Sheriff.
They wanted me to give this to you.
- That'll be all, Doofy.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna go, then. All right.
- All right.
Bye, Cind.
I'm sorry, Cindy.
It wasn't the man you guys killed.
His name was David Keegan.
Some fishermen found his body
a few weeks later.
- He's buried in Lakewood Cemetery.
- That's impossible.
- Then I don't know who it could be.
- He's gotta be someone...
who was connected with all the victims,
someone who knew about the accident.
Someone who could move around
without being noticed.
Oh, my God.
She used to baby-sit my brother Doofy.
He had the biggest crush on her.
It's me, Cind.
'Night, Cind.
- Doofy!
- Shit head?
- Have you seen Doofy?
- No.
- Have you seen Doofy?
Has anybody seen Doofy?
- No, Sheriff.
- No.
- Yeah.
Just went out the back, Sheriff.
Doofy!
He walks alone
under the big city lights
He always knows
just when the time is right
He never shows what he's thinking
He keeps it inside
Because he's
too cool for school
He comes alive
when the sun goes down
He gets it right
You know he's always down
He's got one eye open
and his ear to the ground
And he's too cool for school
He's an operator
He's a real player
And if you mess with him
you know you'll never win
No-o-o-o-o!
Shit, son. Yo, what the deal?
Yo, if y'all watchin'
this tape right now,
that means
I didn't make it.
Either I'm a prisoner,
or worse, dead.
But either way it goes,
I'm gonna tell you all the rules
to survive this situation.
Rule number one:
You gotta be quick.
Rule number two:
Don't fall down.
And rule number three:
Whatever you do, never look back.
Y'all wish me luck.
Snatch and run, y'all!
Come back here, you motherfuckers!
Son of a bitch!
This isn't easy for me.
I know we've been
together a longtime,
but I found somebody else.
Okay? I'm in love.
Don't look at me like that!
We could still be friends.
You can come into my room
whenever you want.
We just can't-- No.
No!
Okay, just one time.
Yeah. That's it!