[electricity buzzing and crackling]
[VCR clicks and whines]
[squealing]
[rhythmic laughter]
[upbeat music]
- [yawns]
- I KNOW IT'S YOU
BABY, I DON'T MIND
BUT I WON'T PICK UP
PAY NO MIND
'CAUSE IT FEELS
LIKE A GOOD ONE TODAY
YES, IT FEELS
LIKE A GOOD ONE TODAY
SO MUCH BETTER
- YOU DON'T DO I FIVE TIMES A DAY, THOUGH.
LIKE, THAT'S A LIE.
- WELL, I TRY.
- HEY, GUYS.
- WILL.
YOU'RE WAY EARLY
FOR THE NEW STOCK.
WE HAVEN'T EVEN UNPACKED
THE BOXES YET.
- I JUST, UH--
I JUST NEED MONEY TO BUY A RING.
- [clears throat]
- A RING?
- YOU MEAN A RING, RING--
RING?
- YES, RING.
HOW MUCH WILL YOU GIVE ME?
- [clears throat]
- OKAY, LET'S HAVE IT.
- NO WOMAN
IS WORTH THE FIRST ISSUE
OF FANTASTIC FOUR,
AND YOU KNOW IT.
THIS IS A CULTURAL LANDMARK.
IT IS FUCKING ART,
AND YOU WANT TO SELL I TO BUY SOME COOZE A DIAMOND?
- SHE DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
- HMM.
HAS SHE EVEN READ
FANTASTIC FOUR, HMM?
CAN SHE NAME ONE TEAM MEMBER?
[whispers] ONE?
- ABDUL, HOW MUCH?
- [whispering]
A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES.
[scoffs]
- SO ARE WE IN BUSINESS?
- LET'S DO IT.
- ALL RIGHT.
[upbeat rock music]
[clattering and screaming]
- JEN?
JEN! JEN!
WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS?
JEN!
JEN!
[grunts]
[suspenseful music]
- [screaming]
- I'M COMING, BABY.
[grunts]
[squeals]
[squeals and grunts]
JEN, I'M COMING, BABY!
I'M HERE.
RICKY SHREDDER, COME ON,
LET'S SAVE MOMMY.
- YEAH.
COME ON.
YEAH!
- JEN?
- [gasping]
OH, MY GOD, STOP.
- I HEARD SCREAMING.
IS HE HURTING YOU?
- OH, HEY.
- YEAH.
- OKAY.
- [sighs]
- SO SHOULD I JUST FINISH
INSIDE YOU OR WHAT?
YEAH, UH-HUH.
- UH-HUH.
[moaning and gasping]
[echoing moaning]
HEY, SWEETIE.
- HEY, JEN.
- HOW YOU FEELING?
- OH, GOD, I JUST HAD
THE MOST AWFUL NIGHTMARE.
I DREAMT THAT I CAME OVER HERE
AND HEARD YOU SCREAMING,
AND YOU WERE JUST BANGING THIS--
- GOT YOU THIS ICE PACK
FOR YOUR ANKLE.
- ASSHOLE!
- EASY, BRO.
- WILL.
- WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?
- OKAY,
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
- I THINK IT'S YOU
HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER GUY.
PLEASE TELL ME
IF IT'S POSSIBLY ANYTHING ELSE.
- MM, NO, THAT--THAT WAS IT.
- FUCK YOU!
- OKAY, OKAY.
EVERYBODY TAKE I DOWN A NOTCH HERE, OKAY?
- WILL, IT WAS JUST SEX.
- WELL, IT WAS
SPECTACULAR SEX, REALLY.
I--I KNOW.
- SHUT UP.
- I--SPECTACULAR.
LOOK, TEMPERS ARE FLARING HERE,
AND EMOTIONS ARE RAW,
SO I THINK IT'S BEST MAYBE
IF I JUST LEAVE
BEFORE SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING
OR DOES SOMETHING
THAT THEY CAN'T TAKE BACK.
- I HOPE YOUR DICK ROTS OFF.
- LIKE THAT.
NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA REGRE THAT STATEMENT LATER,
BUT I ACKNOWLEDGE
YOUR RESENTMENT,
AND I ACCEPT IT.
CALL YOU LATER.
- OKAY.
- YOU'RE GONNA WAN TO KEEP THAT ELEVATED
WITH THE ICE
RIGHT WHERE IT IS THERE.
OKAY.
YOU ARE AN ANGRY LITTLE MAN.
[door clicks]
- OH, GOD,
THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.
THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.
- WILL, WILL, WILL,
PLEASE, JUST--
OKAY, JUST LISTEN TO ME.
- STEVE, HIS--HIS NAME IS STEVE.
YEAH, WELL, THAT'S--
I FEEL A WHOLE LOT BETTER
KNOWING YOU'RE--THERE'S--
YOU WERE JUST HAVING FUN
WITH STEVE.
THERE'S NO EMOTIONAL CONNECTION
TO STEVE.
- NO, OKAY, OKAY, BUT SEE,
THAT'S--THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT.
I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
BUT THERE'S JUST SOMETHING
MISSING IN OUR RELATIONSHIP,
SOMETHING PHYSICAL,
AND YOU'RE JUST NOT GIVING I TO ME.
- WHAT DOES STEVE GIVE YOU
THAT I CAN'T?
- SCREAM.
HE MAKES ME SCREAM.
THE WAY YOU HEARD ME SCREAM,
THE WAY I--
I WANT TO SCREAM.
- THIS IS A SEX THING?
- YES.
- NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE TRYING TO--
YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME
THAT I CAN'T GIVE YOU--
- NO.
- THAT I'VE NEVER GIVEN YOU AN--
- NOT ONCE.
- YOU'VE HAD ORGASMS.
- NAH, I--I WAS FAKING IT.
- I'VE HEARD YOU.
NOT EVERY TIME.
- EVERY TIME.
YOU'VE ACTUALLY NEVER
HEARD ME CLIMAX,
NOT--NOT FOR REAL.
OKAY, WHAT YOU HEARD
BEFORE YOU CAME IN THAT ROOM,
THAT'S WHAT I SOUND LIKE.
GOD, I'M SO SORRY, WILL.
I DIDN'T--I DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO FIND OUT LIKE THIS.
WAIT.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
OKAY, COME ON, I LOVE YOU.
- BUT WHAT?
BECAUSE I DON'T PLUG YOUR OUTLE THE RIGHT WAY,
YOU'RE GONNA THROW AWAY
A YEAR AND A HALF TOGETHER?
YOU--YOU--YOU COULDN'T TALK
TO ME ABOUT THIS,
GIVEN ME THE CHANCE TO IMPROVE?
- WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS
NUMEROUS TIMES,
AND YOU JUST DON'T LISTEN.
YOU IMPROVE FOR A DAY OR SO,
BUT YOU DON'T GET CLOSE
TO GETTING ME OFF.
AND THEN YOU GO BACK
TO HUMPING SO FAST,
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO WIN
SOME SORT OF WORLD SPEED RECORD.
- OH, JESUS,
SO I'M TOO FAST TOO.
- YEAH.
- DID YOU HAVE
ANY OTHER CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM
YOU'D LIKE TO GIVE ME
BEFORE WE PART WAYS?
- WELL, YOU KNOW
THAT HIGH-PITCHED NOSE WHISTLE
WHEN YOU'RE FINISHING?
IT DOESN'T DO YOU ANY FAVORS.
[sighs]
I'M SORRY.
YOU ASKED.
I...
- RICKY SHREDDER,
GO TO MOMMY.
- COME HERE.
- SIT.
RICKY SHREDDER,
TAKE CARE OF MOMMY.
- OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHY DID--
WHY DID YOU STOP BY TODAY?
- I CAME BY TO ASK YOU...
[chuckles]
TO ASK YOU IF YOU KNOW
WHO JOHNNY STORM IS.
- UH, THE SLEAZY WEATHER GUY
ON CHANNEL SEVEN?
- IT'S THE FANTASTIC FOUR.
HAVE A NICE LIFE.
- WILL, I'M SORRY.
[bouncy percussive music]
- HEY.
- WHOA,
THERE'S MY NEWLY ENGAGED SON.
[laughing]
HOW'D SHE REACT?
COME ON, I WANT THE DETAILS.
- SHE SCREAMED
A LOT.
- YOU KNOW,
WHEN I PROPOSED TO YOUR MOTHER,
SHE WAS SO ECSTATIC,
SHE GAVE ME HUMMERS
EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR A MONTH.
- GOD, DAD.
- NO, LISTEN.
BLOW JOBS GO THE WAY
OF BETA TAPE AND DRIVE-IN MOVIES
ONCE YOU'RE MARRIED,
SO STRIKE WHILE THE IRON'S HOT.
- YOU WEARING MY CLOTHES?
- I NEED SOME SWEET NECTAR
TO ATTRACT A CERTAIN BEE.
- WHO?
- YOUR MOTHER.
- YOU HAVE A DATE WITH MOM?
- SHE HAS A DATE,
AND I'M FOLLOWING HER
TO MAKE SURE THE LOSER
KEEPS HIS INMATE
IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.
- [sniffs]
DID YOU PUT ON COLOGNE
TO STALK MOM?
- DRAKKAR NOIR.
- OH, JESUS.
- HER FAVORITE.
LISTEN,
I GOT TO GET MY PORN BACK,
BUT I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO
BEFORE THE STORE CLOSES.
THERE'S 10 BUCKS IN IT FOR YOU.
- 10 BUCKS?
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, EIGHT?
- MAKE IT 20.
- WISH ME LUCK.
- OH, DEAR LORD.
- SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
[bed creaks]
- SHE WAS.
SHE'S OUT OF MY LIFE NOW.
- SOLD HER TO BUY JEN'S RING?
- YEAH.
A RING SHE DIDN'T WANT.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
SHE SAID NO?
I THOUGHT YOU TWO WERE HAPPY.
- I WAS,
BUT I GUESS THAT IN ALL
THIS TIME WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER,
I NEVER MANAGED TO...
GET HER OFF.
- SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU
FOR THAT,
I MEAN, WITHOUT EVEN TELLING YOU
HOW TO FIX IT?
- SHE SAID SHE DID--
THAT I DIDN'T LISTEN.
- WELL, ANY GIRL WHO SAYS THA IS EITHER LYING
OR TRYING TO FIND
A EASY WAY OUT.
- NO, SHE'S RIGHT.
I SUCK IN BED, DUDE.
- YEAH, HOW COULD YOU
POSSIBLY KNOW THAT FOR SURE?
- I ASKED.
- [laughs]
WILL, WE WENT OUT FOR A COUPLE
OF MONTHS SOPHOMORE YEAR.
I MEAN, I CAN BARELY REMEMBER
WHAT I HAD FOR BREAKFAST,
LET ALONE WHETHER OR NO I GOT OFF WHEN WE HAD SEX.
- [laughing]
- YEAH, IT NEVER HAPPENED.
- OH.
- HOW ABOUT A CAPPUCCINO
ON THE HOUSE?
- IT'S SO FUNNY
YOU SHOULD ASK ABOUT THIS, WILL,
'CAUSE JUST THE OTHER DAY,
SOME OF MY GIRLFRIENDS AND I
WERE RECOUNTING
OUR WORST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE,
AND YOU JUST HAPPENED
TO COME TO MIND.
UGH, TOO YOUNG
AND INEXPERIENCED.
AM I RIGHT?
[laughing]
- YOU WERE THE BEST LAY
I EVER HAD,
AND I'VE BEEN SEARCHING
FOR THAT FEELING
EVER SINCE WE BROKE UP.
THERE, WILL THAT HELP YOU
SLEEP BETTER?
GOD, YOU LOSERS
AND YOUR QUARTER-LIFE
PANIC ATTACKS--
IF I HAD A BUCK FOR EVERY TIME
YOU PUSSIES GOT LONELY
AND ASKED HOW YOU WERE IN BED,
I'D HAVE MY FAT SUCKED OFF
INSTEAD OF DOING THIS CRAP
FIVE TIMES A WEEK.
GOD, THANKS A LOT, PRICK!
- I'M SORRY, WILL.
- YOU A TRULY...
- TERRIBLE LAY.
- SHE WAS MY NEIGHBOR
WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.
SHE HAD SOFT HANDS.
- UGH.
LOOK, THIS--THIS IS NO YOUR FAULT, ALL RIGHT?
ANY OF THESE WOMEN
COULD HAVE TAKEN TWO SECONDS
OUT OF THEIR LIVES TO TELL YOU
YOU WERE MISSING SOMETHING,
BUT THEY DIDN'T.
THIS IS THEIR FAILURE,
NOT YOURS.
- I'M STILL THE ONE
WHO GOT DUMPED.
- SO YOU HAVE A FEW BAD HABITS,
A COUPLE OF MISSED OPPORTUNITIES
TO MAKE UP FOR.
- I LOST MY VIRGINITY
WHEN I WAS 14.
THAT'S ALMOST HALF MY LIFE.
- OKAY.
WE NEED TO GET YOU
BACK INTO REHAB RIGHT AWAY.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WE'RE GONNA GO OUT AND FIND
THE EASIEST CHICK OUT THERE
AND HOP BACK ON
THIS FLESH SADDLE,
AND THEN TOMORROW,
YOU'RE GONNA DO THE SAME.
AND THEN THIS WEEKEND,
YOU'RE GONNA DO IT AGAIN,
AND YOU'RE GONNA KEEP DOING I UNTIL YOU'VE BANGED
ENOUGH SKANKS
TO HONE YOUR CRAFT.
- I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX
WITH A BUNCH OF WOMEN.
I JUST WANT JEN.
- I KNOW YOU DO,
BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU UNLESS
YOU'VE FIXED YOUR PROBLEM,
SO WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO IS,
YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT,
BANG A COUPLE OF EASY SKEEZIES,
AND THEN GO BACK TO HER
WITH WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED,
SHOW HER WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF.
- YOU REALLY THINK
IF I BECOME A BETTER LOVER,
SHE'LL TAKE ME BACK?
- NOT IF YOU
USE THE WORD "LOVER."
[both chuckling]
- I GOT TO GO TO WORK.
- ALL RIGHT.
9:30, OPERATION TANG BANG
BEGINS.
CONDOMS ARE ON ME.
- [groans]
DAD.
- HEY, CAN I ACTUALLY BORROW
THAT 20 TO BUY THE CONDOMS?
[driving techno music]
- HOW YOU DOING, SIR?
HOLD ON ONE SECOND, PLEASE.
YEAH, OUR CLUB'S
ACTUALLY AT CAPACITY RIGHT NOW.
I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO WAI FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.
- AIN'T--AIN'T THIS
THE PARTY SUPPLY STORE?
- YES, BUT WE'RE AT CAPACITY
RIGHT NOW,
SO I'M GONNA NEED YOU
TO WAIT A COUPLE MINUTES
JUST BECAUSE WE ADHERE
TO A VERY STRICT FIRE--
- LOOK, I GOT TO GET A PIATA
FOR MY DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY.
YOU GOT TO--YOU BETTER GE TO STEPPIN' WITH THIS SHIT.
- YEAH, I UNDERSTAND.
JUST GIVE ME--
- IF YOU DON'T MOVE THAT ROPE,
I'M GONNA TAKE YOU,
STICK YOU IN A FUCKING CAR,
FILL YOU UP WITH CANDY,
LET MY KIDS GO TO TOWN
AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
THEN--THEN--
OH, OKAY, THAT'S
WHAT I THOUGHT, MOTHERFUCKER.
- THANK YOU, SIR.
I LOVE MY JOB.
- HANDS LIKE THIS
- OH
- LOOK AT ALL THE PARTY PEOPLE.
WHOO! WHOO!
RELATIO, WHAT'S THE HAPS
AFTER WORK, MY MAN?
A LITTLE BOOZE AND BITCHES,
AM I RIGHT, HUH?
- I THINK I'M GONNA DROP OFF
SOME DVDs AND HEAD HOME, RYAN.
- YOU SURE?
'CAUSE PEEP THIS.
I GOT VIP PASSES
TO THAT NEW STRIP CLUB,
THE THROBBING UNICORN,
HUH, HUH?
SOMEONE JUST LEFT THESE
ON MY WINDSHIELD.
I JUST FOUND 'EM THERE.
HUH, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?
- I'M GOOD.
THANKS ANYWAY.
- ALL RIGHT,
MORE LAP DANCES FOR ME.
all: HI.
- OH, HI.
- HI.
- GET IN HERE.
LOOK AT THAT ASS, RIGHT?
HOLD UP.
STOP.
YOU, PERM THE NAP.
MAYBE LOSE A LITTLE BI OF THE WEIGHT AROUND THE HIPS,
ALL RIGHT?
MAYBE GET ON THE LAP-BAND.
SHOW A LITTLE MORE CLEAVAGE,
AND YOU'RE IN NEXT TIME, OKAY?
- BUT WE'RE TWINS.
- PSH, YEAH, RIGHT.
AND THIS GUY'S BLACK.
SHE'S NOT WEARING A BRA.
YOU ARE.
WHAT IS THIS,
A WRIGLEY DOUBLEMINT COMMERCIAL
OR SOMETHING?
- SORRY ABOUT THAT.
UH...
[clattering]
- OOH, OOH, PLEASE,
CAN I PLEASE COME IN?
- WE'RE CLOSING.
- I KNOW.
I KNOW,
BUT I WILL BE SO SUPER QUICK,
LIKE, BLINK AND YOU MISS ME--
THE FLASH WITH BOOBS.
- YOU KNOW WHO THE FLASH IS?
- SUPER SPEED, LITTLE
WINGY THINGIES ON HIS MASK,
HIS REAL NAME'S BARRY ALLEN.
MY BROTHER
WAS A COMIC BOOK GEEK,
SO I KIND OF GOT GEEK EDUCATION
BY OSMOSIS.
- I MIGHT BE
ONE OF THOSE COMIC BOOK GEEKS.
- YOU?
- YEAH.
- NO.
TOO CUTE.
- AH, IN AND OUT.
- STEALTH-LIKE.
[techno music]
EXCUSE ME?
DO YOU GUYS CARRY PIATAS?
- DO I LOOK LIKE I WORK HERE?
- OH.
- I'M JUST KIDDING.
I'M MAITRE D'.
I'M JUST STACKING CUPS.
LET ME GO GET A SERVER
AND JUST--YEAH.
- HELLO, THERE.
CAN I HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING?
- NO, I'M GOOD, THANKS.
- SURE?
- YEAH.
- MY NAME IS RYAN, MANAGER.
- OKAY.
- I'LL BE AROUND.
- ALL RIGHT, COOL, THANK YOU.
- ALL RIGHT, YEAH.
DELICIOUS.
LOVE REDHEADS
- RUFF, RUFF.
I FOUND YOU ONE LAST PIATA.
- OH.
AWESOME.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- YEAH.
- IT'S PERFECT.
- COOL, JUST LET ME KNOW.
I CAN GIVE YOU A HAND OU IF YOU NEED IT.
- OKAY, THANKS.
- WELL, THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING
AT BEHIND THE VELVET ROPE.
WE STAYED OPEN AFTER HOURS
FOR YOU.
I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW,
UH, NEXT WEEK,
WE'RE HAVING A HAPPY HOUR,
TWO FOR ONE,
SO YOU SHOULD COME TO THAT.
YEAH, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
[groans]
TASTY
- [sniffs]
- HMM?
- YOU SMELL LIKE WET DOG ASS.
- I WORK OVER
AT THE RITZ HOWLTON, SO...
- IS THAT THE FROUFROU
DOG KENNEL ON COTNER?
- YOU KNOW, WE PREFER CANINE SPA
AND MEDITATION RETREAT.
- OH.
- WHAT?
- THAT'S CUTE.
- MOCK IF YOU LIKE,
BUT, UH,
I KNOW ABOUT 30 DOGS
WITH PRETTIER NAILS
THAN EITHER OF YOU.
- I'M A CAT PERSON,
SO...
- SHE'S ANGRY A LOT.
[both chuckling]
SO A LOT OF STUFF
FOR A DOG PARTY.
- YEAH, WELL, ONE OF MY BOARDERS
HAD PUPPIES LAST MONTH,
SO SHE'S THROWING
A LITTLE BIRTHDAY BASH.
- FUN.
- YEAH.
DO YOU WANT TO COME?
- I DON'T HAVE A DOG.
THAT OKAY?
- THAT IS OKAY,
BECAUSE THEN YOU CAN ADOP ONE OF THE PUPPIES.
COME ON.
- [chuckles]
- THANKS
FOR BRINGING THE BOXES...
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- WITH YOUR ENTIRE CREW.
- THEY'RE--
[sighs]
HAVE FUN AT THE PARTY.
- THANK YOU.
- DO YOU NEED CUPS?
OR DOES EVERYBODY DRINK
OUT OF THE SAME PUNCH BOWL?
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
JUST FOR THAT,
YOU'RE COMING TO MY PARTY.
- AM I NOW?
- YES, YOU ARE.
- I'M WILL,
COMIC BOOK GEEK.
- EMMA, THE FLASH
WITH BOOBS.
- YEAH.
- WHAT'S YOUR ADDRESS?
- 1768 GLENDON.
- ALL RIGHT, IT'S A SATURDAY
FROM NOON TO 3:00,
AND I'LL DROP AN INVITE
IN THE NEXT COUPLE DAYS.
- OKAY.
- OKAY?
- COOL.
- BYE.
- I'M NOT GONNA ADOPT A DOG.
- THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.
[keys jingling]
[relaxed jazzy music]
- [panting]
- GOOD NIGHT, MR. ROCHA,
AND TAKE IT EASY
ON YOURSELF THIS TIME.
THERE'S DELICATE FLESH
DOWN THERE.
WHY, HELLO, YOUNG STRANGER.
I SEE YOU'RE RETURNING
YOUR ADULT FEATURES.
- NO, THESE AREN'T MINE.
- WELL, WHY YOU'RE HERE,
WHY DON'T WE GRAB A FEW MORE
FOR YOUR HOME VIEWING
ENTERTAINMENT?
- NO, NO,
I DON'T ACTUALLY NEED ANY MORE.
IT'S JUST FINE.
[door rattles]
- LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND
ON OUR DOORSTEP.
- DID HE COME BY
TO GET SOME PORN, POP?
- HE SURE DID, BILLY.
WHY DON'T YOU AND MARTY
TAKE THIS HORNY BUSTER BROWN
INTO OUR VIDEO VAUL WHERE HE CAN BROWSE
OUR MANY FINE SELECTIONS?
- YOUR HOME IS A MOVIE SHOP?
- OH, JUST THE ONE ROOM,
AND IT'S ADULT DVDs
AND VIDEOS ONLY.
BUT NEXT WEEK,
WE'LL BE LAUNCHING
OUR LIVE WEB STREAMING.
WHY, GRAHAM,
ARE YOU SURE THIS ONE
DOESN'T NEED A LEGAL GUARDIAN
TO WATCH OUR MOVIES?
- I MIGHT NEED TO CHECK
SOME I.D.
[laughter]
- COME ON, WE HAVE TONS
OF NEAT-O SMUT.
- COME ON, MARTY,
TAKE HIM DOWNSTAIRS.
[door creaks]
[ominous music]
- WHOA.
- WE JUST GOT THIS ONE IN.
YOU LIKE HERMAPHRODITES,
RIGHT?
- UH, AREN'T YOU GUYS
A LITTLE YOUNG TO BE IN HERE?
- GOSH, MISTER, WE'RE NO A COUPLE OF HOWDY DOODYS.
PORN IS USED TO KEEP SHIFTLESS
PERVERTS OFF THE STREETS.
- MOM AND POP SAY,
IF MORE PEOPLE WATCH PORN,
MARRIAGES WOULD LAST LONGER
'CAUSE COUPLES
WOULDN'T GET BORED
AND GO LOOKING OUTSIDE THE HOME
FOR SEXUAL GRATIFICATION.
- JUST PUT THIS ONE
RIGHT BACK IN THERE.
- CHILDREN, GIVE US A MINUTE.
- AW, SHUCKS.
I DIDN'T GE TO SHOW YOU ANYTHING
FROM THE BARELY LEGAL SECTION.
- NOW, NOW,
LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER.
- RUN ALONG.
[relaxed jazzy music]
AREN'T THEY ANGELS?
WHY, I THINK THEY
COULD RUN OUR LITTLE BUSINESS
BETTER THAN US.
[both laughing]
- HA, YEAH, UH, LOOK.
I'M SURE YOU HAVE
A GREAT SELECTION HERE,
BUT I JUST KIND OF WANTED
TO RETURN THOSE AND--
AND NOTHING ELSE I NEED FOR...
[eerie music]
[echoing moan]
[funky bass music]
WHAT IS THIS?
- WELL.
THAT IS A VERY SPECIAL FILM,
YOUNG MAN,
THE CONTENTS OF WHICH
DEFY THE LOGIC
OF EVERYTHING YOU KNOW
ABOUT LOVEMAKING.
IF YOU WATCH THAT FILM,
YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE FOREVER.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- THAT VIDEO
HAS GREAT POWER INSIDE.
WITHIN ITS MAGNETIC TAPE
LIES A MAGIC
THAT GIVES ITS VIEWER THE POWER
TO BECOME ONE OF THE WORLD'S
GREATEST SEXUAL BEINGS.
- YOUR ENDURANCE
WILL NEVER FAIL.
- YOUR STAMINA
WILL NEVER CEASE.
- YOUR KNOWLEDGE
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
WILL BECOME INFINITE AND EXACT.
- AND EVERY WOMAN YOU LIE WITH
WILL ALWAYS BE SATISFIED.
- MANY, MANY TIMES OVER.
- AS IF YOU WERE THE STAR
OF YOUR VERY OWN
NEVER-ENDING PORNOGRAPHIC FILM.
- I GET IT.
IT'S A JOKE, RIGHT?
NATHAN CALLED YOU GUYS,
SAID I WAS ON MY WAY OVER, YEAH.
- YOUNG MAN, WE KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT YOU OR YOUR FRIEND.
- WE NEVER TELL ANYONE
WHO COMES HERE ABOUT THAT TAPE.
IT KNOWS WHO NEEDS HELP,
AND WHATEVER
YOUR INTIMACY ISSUES ARE,
THEY WILL BECOME A THING
OF THE PAST.
- I DON'T HAVE INTIMACY ISSUES.
[both laughing]
[both sigh]
- THERE ARE THREE RULES
TO OBEY.
OTHERWISE, THE POWER
THE FILM GIVES YOU WILL BE LOST.
ONE, FOLLOW THE ORDER
OF THE WOMEN
YOU SEE ON THE TAPE.
YOU MUST HAVE SEX WITH EACH,
BUT DO NOT SKIP ONE
TO MOVE ON TO THE NEXT.
- TWO, IF YOU FAIL TO SLEEP
WITH ALL THE WOMEN ON THE TAPE,
YOU WILL LOSE YOUR GAINED SKILL
AND KNOWLEDGE.
- THREE, THE TAPE
MUST BE RETURNED
EXACTLY 30 DAYS FROM TONIGHT.
YOU MUST FINISH YOUR JOURNEY
BY THAT TIME,
OR ALL OF YOUR EXPERIENCES
BECOME NOTHING BUT MEMORIES
FOR YOU AND YOU ALONE.
WELL, NOW THAT THA SUPER SERIOUS BALLYHOO
IS OUT OF THE WAY,
WHO WANTS AN EGG CREAM?
both: I DO.
COME ON.
[slurping]
[laughter]
- SOMEONE SURE LOVES EGG CREAM.
- OH, DON'T TEASE THE BOY.
HE'S GONNA NEED
ALL THE ENERGY HE CAN GET.
[both laughing]
- SO SEE YOU IN A MONTH.
all: SEE YOU IN A MONTH.
[relaxed jazzy music]
[engine revving]
- HEY, PLAYER,
CAN YOU HELP A BROTHER OUT?
I'M LOOKING FOR THIS CLUB
CALLED THE THROBBING UNICORN.
YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY
LEFT THESE FREE PASSES
ON MY WINDSHIELD.
I MEAN,
WHO DOES THAT SHIT, RIGHT?
ANYHOO,
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT,
AM I EVEN IN THE RIGH MOTHERFUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD?
- YEAH, ACTUALLY,
TAKE A LEFT.
GO TO THE LIGHT.
TAKE A RIGHT.
AND THEN IT'LL BE
ON YOUR LEFT-HAND SIDE.
- SWEET.
THANK YOU, WILL.
I'D ASK YOU
TO COME ALONG WITH ME TONIGHT,
BUT, UM...
[sniffs]
YOU GOT SOME IMPORTANT BUSINESS
TO ATTEND TO,
SO YOU HURRY ON HOME,
AND YOU WATCH THAT VIDEO.
THAT SHIT'S GONNA CHANGE
YOUR LIFE, SON.
[laughing]
PEACE.
[laughing]
[tires screech]
- WEIRD.
WAIT, HOW DOES THAT STRANGE GUY
KNOW MY NAME?
[jaunty orchestral music]
YES.
YES.
[VCR whines]
OOH.
[tape squealing]
WAIT.
WAS THAT ME?
[tape squealing]
OH--OH, SHIT.
AH, YES.
WAIT.
NO, NO, COME ON.
OH, OH,
YES, YES, YES.
WOW.
NO, GO BACK.
COME ON.
SLO-MO, SLO-MO--
MOTION.
[zapping]
[electricity crackling]
ting!
[peaceful instrumental music]
[knock at door]
- ANYBODY HOME?
HEY, MAN, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU
LAST NIGHT?
DID YOU GET MY MESSAGES--
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT, DID YOU TRY TO FUCK
A LIGHT SOCKET?
- UM, I--THERE WAS--
[sighs]
- LISTEN,
IF IT'S THAT MUCH EFFOR TO TRY TO LIE
ABOUT YOUR KINKY FETISHES,
I JUST DON'T CARE.
GET DRESSED.
OPERATION TANG BANG
STARTED WITHOUT YOU, BUDDY.
WE GOT TO MAKE UP
FOR LOST TIME.
- WE'RE WORKING OUT?
- SHEEP'S WOOL
FOR YOUR WOLFLIKE INTERIOR.
- WHAT?
- JUST TRUST ME.
WE'RE GONNA FUCK
SOME LITTLE PIGGIES.
[upbeat music]
- REACH DOWN.
TURN YOUR LEFT ARM FORWARD.
REACH FROM YOUR HIP BONE
TO YOUR BACK.
YOU WANT TO EXTEND OU TO THE CROWN OF YOUR HEAD.
AS YOU HOLD YOUR BELLY IN,
SOFTEN THROUGH
YOUR SHOULDER BLADES,
AND REACH YOUR HEELS BACK.
CHATURANGA.
- DUDE, I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU MADE ME PAY 20 BUCKS
JUST TO FUCKING BREATHE.
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
WILL YOU LOOK AROUND?
THIS IS EXACTLY THE TYPE OF GIRL
YOU SHOULD BE NAILING--
FLEXIBLE.
- PRESS ONE HEEL DOWN
AT A TIME,
AND OPEN UP INTO VASHISTASANA.
AND TURNING THE LEFT PALM
FORWARD,
SLIDE THE LEFT SHOULDER
DOWN THE BACK.
- GOD, NO!
- ARE YOU OKAY?
- UH, YEAH.
I KNOW YOU.
- YOU DO?
[echoing moan]
SO ARE YOU OKAY?
CAN YOU FINISH?
- YEAH, TOTALLY.
[electricity buzzing
and crackling]
UM, ARE YOU OKAY?
- FINE, JUST FINE.
LET'S DO THE SECOND SIDE.
MOVE INTO PLANK POSE, PLEASE.
VASHISTASANA, SECOND SIDE...
- DUDE, SHE TOUCHED YOU.
- YEAH, SO?
- [whispers]
THAT'S AMAZING.
- LEFT HAND, LEFT FOOT,
STACKING YOUR HIPS...
- I LOVE YOU.
I'M SORRY.
SORRY.
- "NAM-ASTY."
[applause]
- CLAP.
[indistinct chatter]
[chuckles] DUDE.
THERE'S NO WAY
YOU'RE HITTING THAT.
I MEAN, EVERY GUY IN HERE
HAS ASKED HER OUT.
SHE'S--SHE'S LIKE AIR FORCE ONE
WITH HER OWN F-16.
THERE'S NO PENETRATING
THAT AIRSPACE.
OOH, HEY, TIGHT PANTS GIRL--
TIGHT, HEY--
[whistling
and clicking tongue]
COME HERE.
- HEY, I'M WILL,
UH, FALLING GUY.
I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU
FOR NOT KICKING ME OUT EARLIER.
- I'M MARIE.
I THOUGHT YOU DID GREAT,
THIS BEING YOUR FIRST CLASS.
- YOU NOTICED THAT, HUH?
- I DON'T DATE MY STUDENTS,
WILL.
- NO, THAT'S NO WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO.
- THEN WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO DO?
- UM...
THIS.
- IS THA SUPPOSED TO TURN ME ON?
- YES.
- GO SLOWER, WILL,
MORE GENTLE.
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
- YEAH, YEAH, COOL.
WAIT, LIKE, WE'RE REALLY
GONNA DO THIS?
YOU--YOU--YOU WANT TO HAVE
SEX WITH ME?
MM.
[lively salsa music]
- I DON'T WANT TO CALL YOU
TIGHT PANTS GIRL
THE REST OF THE DAY.
WHAT WAS YOUR NAME?
- IT'S BETSY.
- BETSY, THAT'S--
[moaning]
DO YOU HEAR THAT, BETSY?
[moaning]
NO, BUT, HEY,
I'M GONNA CALL YOU, BETSY.
I'LL FIND YOU.
- KNEES WIDE.
- [groaning]
OH.
- EASY ON THE HIPS.
USE YOUR KNEES.
- [moaning]
- YEAH.
[moaning]
NAMASTE!
SO NICE MEETING YOU.
MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU NEXT CLASS.
- SURE.
LOOK.
THAT MAY HAVE BEEN THE MOS SPECTACULARLY AMAZING MOMEN OF MY LIFE,
SO I HAVE TO ASK.
WHY?
WHY DID YOU
JUST HAVE SEX WITH ME?
- I HAVE NO IDEA,
BUT YOU KNOW THAT MOVE
THAT I SHOWED YOU
WHERE YOU'RE USING YOUR KNEES
MORE THAN YOUR HIPS
SO YOU LAST LONGER?
KEEP WORKING ON THAT.
- NO.
HE'S MY RIDE.
- NAMASTE.
- NAMASTE.
YOU PENETRATED HER AIRSPACE.
OH, MY GOD,
OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD.
YEAH.
HOW--HOW?
HOW?
- JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS.
- NO, ONE OF THOSE THINGS
IS IN A PORNO.
YOU SAY FIVE WORDS TO A GIRL
WHO WON'T GO OUT WITH ANYBODY,
AND YOU'RE PLOWING HER.
YOU--YOU MADE A DEAL
WITH THE DEVIL,
AND I WANT IN ON IT.
- NATHAN, I GOT TO TELL YOU,
I'VE NEVER BEEN THAT GOOD.
THIS WAS THE BEST SEX
OF MY LIFE,
AND IT WAS ALL MY DOING.
- I...
- SERIOUSLY.
I FINISHED,
AND I WAS READY TO GO AGAIN
RIGHT THEN AND THERE--
ALREADY BEEN DOING I 30 MINUTES.
I'VE NEVER LASTED THAT LONG.
THERE'S THIS ONE POSITION
I HAD HER IN.
HER LEGS WERE UP HERE
BY HER HEAD,
AND I LITERALLY LICKED HER FOOT.
- LISTEN.
- IT WAS HERE, AND I LICKED IT.
- OKAY, LISTEN.
LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN TO ME.
IF YOU WANT TO CONTINUE
TO TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF,
THEN YOU'RE GONNA NEED
TO TWEET IT,
BECAUSE IF YOU TALK TO ME
ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW,
I'M GONNA BE ABLE TO DRIVE
THIS CAR WITHOUT ANY HANDS.
I HAVE A BONER.
- MM, DIDN'T NEED TO--
- IT WAS FLUKE SEX.
ONCE IN A MILLENNIUM,
A GUY FINDS A GIRL
WHO IS THAT SAD AND DESPERATE,
AND TODAY WAS THAT DAY,
AND YOU WERE THAT GUY,
AND SHE WAS THAT GIRL.
AND THAT IS HOW THAT HAPPENED.
- YEAH, THAT'S PROBABLY RIGHT.
HEY, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SANITIZE
THIS YOGA MAT YOU LENT ME.
- AH, COME ON, COME ON.
[upbeat music]
- THERE HE IS,
MY YOGI HAMMER.
- HEY.
- WHAT, LIKE I WAS SUPPOSED
TO KEEP THE MOST MONUMENTAL
SEXUAL EXPERIENCE OF YOUR LIFE
A SECRET?
- YEAH.
- YOU HUNGRY?
I COULD MAKE YOU ONE
OF MY CLASSIC CHOCOL-HOAGIES.
- I'M OKAY.
- MMM, IT'S GOOD.
- WAIT.
YOU'RE STAYING IN TONIGHT?
WHAT'D YOU DO?
SLASH MOM'S TIRES
SO SHE CAN'T DRIVE ANYWHERE?
- DID SHE CALL YOU?
- DAD.
- SHE NEEDED NEW TIRES ANYWAY.
YOU'VE GO A STACK OF MAIL THERE.
IT'S AN INVITATION TO SOMETHING.
- NICE.
- HEY, HOW WAS WORK?
- THE USUAL.
- YOU EVER THOUGHT THAT MAYBE
IT'S TIME FOR A CAREER UPGRADE?
- HOW SO?
- WELL,
MY BOSS
AT THE COMIC BOOK COMPANY,
HE'S LOOKING FOR NEW IDEAS
HE WANTS ME TO PITCH.
NOW, WE BOTH KNOW
WITH A COMPLETELY USELESS DEGREE
IN CREATIVE WRITING,
BUT YOU DO HAVE GOOD TASTE
IN COMICS.
SO HERE'S THE IDEA:
YOU HATCH A STORY;
I'LL DO THE AR AND DRESS IT UP A LITTLE BIT;
WE'LL GO IN,
GET A LITTLE RAZZLE-DAZZLE ON,
AND BOOM,
SOON KIDS HAVE OUR SHI UP ON THEIR WALL.
- I DON'T KNOW--
SELLING PARTY SUPPLIES,
WRITING COMICS,
SELLING PARTY SUPPLIES,
WRITING COMICS.
YEAH, I'M IN.
- YEAH, I KNOW.
BUT DON'T REHASH
THAT SERGEANT SLITHER IDEA.
THAT STORY
PUTS THE "SUCKS" IN,
"BOY, THIS SHITTY STORY SUCKS."
- NO, SERGEANT SLITHER
HAS TRUTH SERUM
THAT SHOOTS FROM HIS FANGS.
IT LETS HIM LEARN
HIS ENEMIES' EVIL POWERS.
[passing gas]
[laughing]
[upbeat music]
HELLO.
- HERE FOR THE PARTY?
- HEY, YEAH,
EMMA INVITED ME.
- BUT YOU DON'T HAVE A DOG.
- RIGHT.
THAT'S NOT WHY I'M HERE.
- RIGHT.
WELL, HAVE A GOOD TIME.
WATCH YOUR STEP.
- THANKS.
- [sniffing]
HE SMELLED LIKE POODLE.
- [mouthing words]
[dog barking]
[indistinct chatter]
- HI, THERE,
I'M MEREDITH.
EMMA TOLD ME YOU MIGH WANT TO TAKE ONE OF MY BABIES
TO A HAPPY HOME.
- HI, I'M WILL.
SORRY.
I GOT MY MOUTH STUFFED
WITH THE HORS D'OEUVRES.
IT'S REALLY GOOD.
- OH, THEY SHOULD BE.
THEY'RE DOG TREATS.
[babbling]
- AT LEAST I'LL HAVE
A SHINY COAT.
- [laughs]
- BATHROOM?
- OH,
IT'S RIGHT DOWN THE HALL.
IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.
[electricity buzzing
and crackling]
[echoing moan]
[toilet flushing]
- HEY, WILL.
YOU'RE A DOG LOVER TOO, HUH?
[laughing]
[inhales sharply]
[sighs]
YOU SMELL THAT, WILL?
- [sniffs]
- THAT'S RIGHT, SON--
NEW CAR SMELL.
HAD A LITTLE PROCEDURE
DONE ON MY COLON
ABOUT TEN YEARS BACK
IN BEVERLY HILLS.
THEY CAN GIVE YOU ANY SCEN YOU CAN IMAGINE.
YEAH, THINK OF ALL THE MONEY
I SAVE ON AIR FRESHENER, HUH?
[both laughing]
HEY, WILL,
YOU KNOW THAT GIRL, MEREDITH?
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FUCK HER.
SHE'S THE NEXT ONE ON THE TAPE.
REMEMBER,
THIS IS ALL FOR JEN.
YOU NEED THE NAME
OF THAT DOCTOR,
YOU LET ME KNOW, WILL.
[laughing]
- [sniffs]
HI.
- HI, I...
[sighs]
I GOT DISTRACTED,
AND HE ATE SOME GOODIES
OFF MY PLATE,
AND, UM, IT DIDN'T GO WELL
WITH HIS STOMACH,
AND THEN HE--
I'M JUST--I'M GONNA SMELL
LIKE BARF ALL DAY.
[chuckles]
- I--I DON'T SEE ANY PUKE.
- IT'S A GENERAL...
[inhales sharply]
MALAISE.
- RIGHT, WELL,
THE BATHROOM IS YOURS.
FEEL FREE TO...
YOU KNOW, HE'S--
HE'S VERY LUCKY TO HAVE YOU.
- OH, HOW SO?
- YOU'RE REALLY PRETTY.
- AW.
THAT IS SO FUCKING CUTE.
YOU TASTE LIKE DOG BISCUITS.
[laughing]
- SORRY.
WAIT, YOU KNOW
WHAT DOG BISCUITS TASTE LIKE?
- [gasping]
AH, I WILL BE RIGHT OUT!
- OH, MEREDITH, IS THAT YOU?
- [gasping] YES!
AH!
- ARE YOU OKAY?
- NEVER BETTER.
[gasping]
YES!
- OKAY.
UH, I'LL JUST SEE YOU
BACK AT THE KENNEL.
- I'M COMING, COMING SOON!
- ARE YOU--
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?
- [in woman's voice]
UH, I'M--I'M FINE.
I JUST LOVE THIS--
OH, I LOVE THIS LIQUID HAND SOAP
SO MUCH.
YEAH, YOU GOT TO TELL ME
WHERE YOU GOT IT LATER.
[both gasping]
- SO CUTE.
THAT WAS LOVELY.
[laughs]
- LOVELY,
BUT NOT GREAT.
- OH, HONEY,
DID YOU NOT NOTICE
THAT I CROSSED THE FINISH LINE?
AND THAT'S SAYING MORE
THAN MOST MEN.
- RIGHT, NO,
I'M HAPPY ABOUT THAT.
I JUST--I HAVE TO GE REALLY GOOD AT THIS SEX THING
REALLY FAST.
- HUH.
SAYS WHO?
- LONG STORY WITH
AN UNHAPPY ENDING FOR RIGHT NOW.
- HMM.
WELL, WHOEVER SHE IS,
SHE'S ONE LUCKY LITTLE GIRL.
BUT CAN I GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE?
- PLEASE.
- OKAY.
[sighs]
LET THE WOMAN LEAD THE RACE.
SHE'LL LET YOU KNOW
WHEN IT'S TIME TO SPRINT.
SEE, I'VE BEEN DIVORCED
FOR TWO YEARS,
AND I WAS STARTING TO THINK
THERE WAS A LAW
PROHIBITING 35-YEAR-OLDS
HAVING SEX, RIGHT?
AND--
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
ANY GUY WOULD BE LUCKY
TO BE WITH YOU.
- YOU ARE SUCH
A LITTLE FUCKING NYMPH.
I WANT TO BOX YOU UP,
BUT I AM NOT GIVING YOU
A DISCOUNT ON MY DOGS.
[sighs]
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
[sighs]
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY
GO OUT THERE.
EMMA'S BEEN TALKING ABOUT YOU
ALL DAY.
- WHAT?
- I WON'T TELL IF YOU DON'T.
WHO'S A BABY?
SUCH A LITTLE BABY.
MMM.
WHY DO YOU SMELL
LIKE NEW CAR?
- OH, MY GOD,
OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD.
EVERYONE, EVERYONE!
- HEY, EMMA.
- WILL, I'M SO SORRY.
I'VE GOT TO GO.
FALCO GOT INTO ONE OF THE--
THE PEONIES
THAT WE GOT AT THE STORE,
AND SHE'S CHOKING
ON THE RAWHIDE,
BUT I REALLY WANTED TO HANG OUT.
- I WANT YOU
TO HANG OUT WITH ME TOO.
- WELL--
- HERE HE IS, WILL,
ALL READY FOR YOU
JUST LIKE WE DISCUSSED.
- YOU ARE ADOPTING
ONE OF THE PUPPIES?
OH, THAT IS SO GREAT.
- YEAH.
- YAY.
- WELL, HE'S ALREADY PASSED
MY THOROUGH BACKGROUND CHECK,
SO I JUST NEED A DEPOSI OF $300,
AND THEN HE'S ALL YOURS
TO TAKE HOME.
- THAT IS SO GREAT.
I'M SO--
[electricity buzzing
and crackling]
UH...
[echoing moan]
- DON'T YOU HAVE TO GO?
PARAMEDICS
ARE WAITING FOR YOU OUTSIDE.
- YOU SHOULD CALL ME,
LIKE, FOR THE DOG
OR ANYTHING REALLY, I MEAN--
JUST CALL ME.
- GREAT.
- OKAY.
[dog barking]
- GO.
- DID YOU SEE THE WAY
SHE WAS LOOKING AT YOU?
SHE UNDRESSED YOU
WITH HER STARE.
[sighs]
BUT THEN AGAIN, YOU DO HAVE
A WAY WITH WOMEN, DON'T YOU?
- 300 BUCKS
FOR THIS BALL OF FUR?
- YEAH, I'LL NEED A CHECK,
AND THEN YOU
CAN PAY FOR THE RES IN THE NEXT TEN BUSINESS DAYS.
SO NICE TO MEET YOU.
- CAN YOU SHIT IN A TOILET?
I HOPE SO.
JESUS.
- [sighs]
- OOH, HERE WE GO.
HEY, DAD.
WANT TO MEET OUR NEW ROOMMATE?
- SORRY,
I'M LISTENING TO YOUR MOM
TALK ON HER CELL PHONE.
DID YOU REALIZE
SHE WAXES DOWN THERE NOW?
- OKAY, DAD.
WAIT, HOW CAN YOU LISTEN
TO MOM'S CONVERSATIONS?
- IT'S THIS AMAZING,
LITTLE TRANSMITTER.
I FOLLOWED HER TO LUNCH,
AND WHEN SHE GOT UP
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM,
I WALKED OVER TO HER TABLE,
DROPPED IT IN HER PURSE.
NOW WHEREVER THE BAG GOES,
THE BUG GOES,
AND I HEAR EVERYTHING.
WAIT.
SHE'S GETTING ANOTHER CALL.
I--IT--THE RECEPTION'S BETTER
THE CLOSER I AM,
SO I'M GONNA TAIL HER CAR.
- THIS IS GETTING
OUT OF HAND, DAD.
- NO, NATHAN LEFT.
HE'S ON HIS WAY HOME.
HE BOUGHT A PIZZA.
IT SHOULD BE HERE ANY SECOND.
YOU HAVE CASH
TO PAY FOR IT, RIGHT?
[laughing]
I WAS JUST THINKING,
OUR APARTMEN COULD USE A GOOD GUARD DOG.
- OKAY, DAD,
THIS IS NOT YOUR APARTMENT.
- OKAY, BYE.
- JUST YOU AND ME, HUH?
SHOULD WE SEE
WHAT SANTA PAWS BROUGHT YOU?
ALL RIGHT, COME HERE.
GOT SLIM JIMS,
ONE FOR YOU,
ONE FOR ME.
I GOT YOU SOME ALTOIDS
'CAUSE YOU GOT STANK BREATH.
AND I GOT ME A SNICKERS BAR
'CAUSE I NEED SOME STRENGTH.
[knocking at door]
COME HERE.
- LARGE PEPPERONI
AND CHEESE PIZZA.
YOUR TOTAL'S $15.22.
- AH, YEAH, CAN YOU HOLD ON
FOR A COUPLE MINUTES?
THE GUY WHO ORDERED THIS
ISN'T HERE.
IT'S HIS PIZZA.
I DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT.
- LISTEN, DUDE!
I'VE GOT SIX PIES IN THE CAR
THAT NEED TO BE DELIVERED
IN A HALF AN HOUR,
AND IF THEY
DON'T GET THERE IN TIME,
THEN IT'S MY ASS.
AND IF IT'S MY ASS,
THEN IT'S YOUR ASS.
YOUR ASS.
- OH, BOY.
- [shrieks]
[both moaning]
DO YOU KNOW WHA MY FAVORITE TOPPING OF PIZZA IS?
- SHOT IN THE DARK--
SAUSAGE?
- OH, SHUT YOUR FILTHY FACE,
AND LET'S GET TO THE CENTER
OF MY TOOTSIE POP.
- BE A GOOD BOY.
[lively salsa music]
- HEY.
HEY, GET OUT OF THERE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,
YOU LITTLE PIZZA-STEALING
TURD BURGLAR?
- WHAT?
- YOU BANGED
THE SAUCY SLICE PIZZA GIRL.
- ACTUALLY, SHE BANGED ME.
YOU SHOULD THANK ME.
SAVED YOU 15 BUCKS.
- WHAT THE--
YOU ARE GONNA TELL ME
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
YOU'VE GOT WOMEN
THROWING THEMSELVES AT YOU.
YOUR DICK HAS BECOME
SOME SORT OF CURRENCY,
SO IT BEGS THE QUESTION,
WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?
- IT'S ALL THE TAPE.
- WHAT TAPE?
- IN THE VCR.
- WHAT, IS I SOME SORT OF SELF-HELP THING
THAT HELPS YOU HYPNOTIZE WOMEN
THAT NORMALLY WOULDN'T BREATHE
THE AIR WITHIN 50 FEET OF YOU?
- THANKS.
NO.
IT ACTUALLY HAS MAGICAL POWERS
AND MAKES ME, LIKE, A SEX GOD.
I LITERALLY WATCHED IT.
A BUNCH OF WOMEN'S FACES
FLASHED ACROSS THE SCREEN,
AND NOW I'M SLEEPING
WITH A NEW WOMAN
PRACTICALLY EVERY TIME
I LEAVE THE HOUSE.
- BULLSHIT.
- WHO'S EATING FREE PIZZA?
MMM.
- ALL RIGHT, FINE.
YOU HAVE HEARD
OF THE DVD PLAYER, YEAH?
- YEAH, BUT I'M SAVING UP
FOR ONE OF THOSE
GROOVY EIGHT-TRACK
CASSETTE PLAYERS
THEY KEEP TALKING ABOUT.
[VCR whines]
- SHE'S A LITTLE CHUNKY,
WEIGHS, LIKE, 60 POUNDS.
- YOU'RE AVOIDING THE SUBJECT,
AND YOU'RE HOLDING UP
THE LINE...
- OH, YEAH, YEAH, THESE--
THESE WOMEN ARE SMOKING HOT.
- THEY WERE THERE.
THEY WERE THERE.
- MM-HMM, YOU KNOW,
IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER
TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE JUS THE LUCKIEST MAN ALIVE.
YOU KNOW, THAT--
ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS.
- NATHAN, I SWEAR,
THERE'S THIS TAPE,
AND THE WOMEN THAT ARE ON IT--
I'M SUPPOSED TO SLEEP
WITH THEM ALL
SO THAT I CAN GET BACK TO JEN
BECAUSE I'LL BE A BETTER LOVER.
- FINE.
YOU GET ME LAID,
AND I'LL BELIEVE YOU.
- HOW?
[upbeat music]
[indistinct chatter]
- WHERE IS THIS MAGIC OF YOURS?
- OKAY, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.
- SHOW ME THE MAGIC!
- NO, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.
I TOLD YOU.
I CAN'T HAVE SEX
WITH ANY WOMAN I TOUCH.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
HAVE YOU EVEN TOUCHED A GIRL
THAT'S NOT ON
THIS MAGICAL VIDEOTAPE
THAT ONLY YOU CAN SEE?
- NO, BUT--
- NO.
NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT THERE,
AND YOU'RE GONNA SHAKE HANDS
WITH ANYTHING WITH BOOBS,
AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE AN ORGY.
AND THEN I'LL BELIEVE YOU.
- WE'RE NOT HAVING AN ORGY.
- WE'RE HAVING AN ORGY.
GO.
[indistinct chatter]
- OOH, THANK GOD.
HEY, KEEP WORKING OUT.
A GUY CAN WISH.
HEY, HEY, YEAH.
SORRY,
THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE.
[electricity buzzing
and crackling]
HI.
- HI.
- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- RIHANNA.
- HI, RIHANNA.
- HI.
- WANT TO HAVE AN ORGY?
- FUCK, YES.
I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.
- OKAY.
[buzzing]
[tape squealing]
[echoing moan]
WAIT.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU'RE IN THE WRONG ORDER
ON THE TAPE.
- WHAT?
- [gasps]
YOU'RE STILL OUT OF ORDER.
OH, GOD, THAT'S NICE.
- ORDER?
THERE'S NO ORDER
WHEN YOU ORGY.
YOU JUST ORGY.
- RIGHT, YES, OF COURSE.
YOU SHOULD MEET ME
IN THE BATHROOM...
- BUT--
- LAST STALL ON THE LEFT.
AND I'LL BE RIGHT IN,
AND I'LL--
I'LL GIVE YOU A NICE ORGY.
- YOU PROMISE?
- OH, YES, I'LL--
- ARR!
- OKAY.
GO.
- BYE.
- FUCK.
- AH.
BOOM, BITCH!
- NATHAN, NATHAN, NATHAN,
NATHAN.
- OH, THERE HE IS.
HEY, WHERE'S MY HAREM?
- THERE'S NO TIME
FOR SMALL TALK.
THERE'S A HOT WOMAN
IN THE BATHROOM,
LAST STALL ON THE LEFT.
DON'T TURN ON THE LIGHTS,
AND DON'T OPEN YOUR MOUTH
UNTIL YOU'RE DONE.
THE TAPE WORKS.
[upbeat rock music]
- THIS IS A TAKEOVER
A TAKEOVER
I'M CHASING HER
NOT HOSTILE,
BUT SOON WE'LL BE ONE
THIS IS A MASTERPIECE
A PASSION'S FEAS I'LL FINISH,
AND THEN I'LL BE DONE
THIS IS A TAKEOVER
A TASTE I LEARNED
TO LIKE WHEN MY NUMBERS
WERE LOW
THIS IS A MASTERPIECE
A FAST RELEASE
I'D STAY,
BUT SHE'D WANT ME TO GO
BUT WAIT,
WHO'S THIS BEAUTY BESIDE ME?
I'M DROPPING MY JAR
WITH A THUD
IT ACHES
LIKE SHE'S REACHING INSIDE ME
AND MELTING MY HEAR INTO BLOOD
- AH
AH
- SO NOW IT'S A TAKEOVER
MY SAFE AND SURE
REPLACED BY A FEAR
THAT SHE'LL RUN
SHE IS A MASTERPIECE
A PERFECT BEAS I HOPE THAT SHE KNOWS
I'M THE ONE
- WHAT'S MY NAME?
- LITTLE TIM,
LIKE THE CHOO-CHOO TRAIN.
YEAH!
- WHOO, WHOO!
YEAH! WHOA!
- AND YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ME
TO PINKBERRY, YOU LITTLE BITCH!
- OKAY.
YEAH! OOH!
[laughing]
- MMM.
- YEAH.
- MM-HMM.
- I LIKE IT.
AH!
[gasping]
- OH, HELL NO.
- [sniffs]
- CHICKEN.
- [gags]
AH
AH
[electricity buzzing
and crackling]
AH
AH
AH
AH
AH
[electricity buzzing
and crackling]
- YEAH, THAT'S IT.
FIND MAMA BEAN.
FIND THAT BEAN AND WATER IT!
[moaning]
OH, YEAH, NERD,
THAT'S IT!
OH, YEAH!
YEAH, MAKE THAT TONGUE DANCE!
MAKE IT CRAWL
ALL UP IN MY LEG.
- [gasps]
- YOU AIN'T DONE.
DON'T YOU EVER STOP TILL A LADY
TELLS YOU YOU'RE DONE.
NOW GET THAT FACE
BACK UP IN THERE!
[growling]
- SO NOW IT'S A TAKEOVER
MY SAFE AND SURE
REPLACED BY A FEAR
THAT SHE'LL RUN
SHE IS A MASTERPIECE
A PERFECT BEAS I HOPE THAT SHE KNOWS
I'M THE ONE
[birds chirping]
[keyboard tapping]
[upbeat music]
- THERE YOU GO.
HEY, COME ON.
HI.
- GOOD AFTERNOON.
CHECKING IN?
- YEAH.
ACTUALLY, WE HAVE AN APPOINTMEN WITH EMMA.
- AH, YES.
MR. HEMBRY, HMM?
YOU WERE AT THE PARTY
A FEW WEEKS AGO.
- YES.
- OH, IS THIS THE PUP
THAT YOU ADOPTED?
- YES. COME HERE.
- DO YOU MIND IF I HOLD HIM?
- NO, SURE, THAT'S GREAT.
- YOU LITTLE--
OH, COME HERE.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
OH, OH, YOU'RE JUS A LITTLE LOVER, AREN'T YOU?
YES, YOU ARE.
YES, YOU ARE.
WHAT'S HIS NAME?
- HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE YET.
GOT A COUPLE IDEAS,
BUT I--
- [snorting]
[sighs]
THAT'S PRIMO SHIT.
- HEY, WILL.
- HEY.
- ARE YOU READY?
- YEAH, LET'S DO IT.
I MEAN, UH,
READY FOR THE APPOINTMENT,
NOT--NOT DOING IT.
NAH, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN.
WHATEVER YOUR DEFINITION
OF "IT" IS,
MINE'S NOT SEX.
IT'S DEFINITELY NOT SEX.
UH, WE'RE READY TO BE GROOMED.
- YEAH, WELL, LET'S GO.
- [chuckles]
- I'LL SEE YOU LATER,
YOU AND YOUR LITTLE DOG.
- SO HOW ARE YOU?
- GREAT.
YOU?
- UH, GREAT.
- GOOD.
- SORRY.
- FOR WHAT?
- I WANT TO KISS YOU.
- OKAY, SO THEN DO IT.
- NO, I CAN'T DO THAT,
BECAUSE THEN THAT WILL LEAD
TO OTHER THINGS,
AND THIS I CAN'T DO YET.
- MEANING IT'S--
IT'S TOO SOON?
- NOT EXACTLY.
I HAVE ISSUES.
I'M GONNA GO GROOM FLASH NOW.
- FLASH.
- IT FITS.
- HELLO, FLASH.
[both chuckling]
OKAY.
[upbeat music]
HI.
- HI.
I'VE GOT A COUPLE HOURS FREE,
SO DO YOU WANT TO GET SOME FOOD?
- YEAH.
- OKAY.
WE CAN JUST LEAVE FLASH HERE.
- OKAY.
- BUT, YOU KNOW, SOMEPLACE,
LIKE, REALLY PUBLIC,
YOU KNOW,
NO LOW-LIT CORNER BOOTHS OR...
YEAH.
- [sighs]
[humming]
[upbeat instrumental music]
- YOU LET YOUR HAIR SHINE
LIKE A '50s MOVIE STAR
STILL CHEW ON I KIND OF LIKE A LITTLE GIRL
YOU TAKE YOUR TIME
WHEN THE TOP'S DOWN
IN YOUR CAR
BUT STILL HIT THE GAS
WHEN YOU WANT TO SEE THE WORLD
AND YOU'RE EVERYTHING,
YOU'RE EVERYTHING
A GIRL SHOULD EVER BE
YOU'RE EVERYTHING,
EVERYTHING TO ME
YOU'RE EVERYTHING,
YOU'RE EVERYTHING
IN THE SURFACE
AND DOWN DEEP
YOU'RE EVERYTHING,
EVERYTHING TO ME
YOU LIKE TO STAY HOME
WITH DELIVERY CHINESE
AND THEN DRAG ME OU SUDDENLY YOU GOT TO DANCE
YOU'RE HAPPY
WHEN YOU'RE FEELING SAFE
AND SO CAREFREE
BUT YOU'D DIVE OUT A PLANE
IF YOU EVER GOT A CHANCE
AND YOU'RE EVERYTHING...
- HOLY MOLY,
LOOK WHO IT IS, KIDS.
CALL ME OLD-FASHIONED,
BUT I THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE OLD
TO BE PLAYING WITH TEDDY BEARS,
YOUNG MAN.
- WHOA, MISTER,
THAT'S A NICE TEDDY BEAR.
CAN I HAVE IT?
- NO, GET YOUR HANDS OFF.
- HE'S JUST ASHAMED
'CAUSE HE LIKES A GIRL.
[laughter]
- HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
- OH, WILL, WE'VE BEEN SPYING
ON YOU FOR DAYS NOW.
IT'S SOMETHING WE LIKE TO DO
TOGETHER AS A FAMILY
TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE FOLLOWING
ALL THE RULES OF THE TAPE.
- AND BOY, HAVE YOU.
THAT PENIS OF YOURS
PROBABLY FEELS
LIKE IT'S READY TO DROP OFF.
AM I RIGHT, KIDS?
- HE'S A REAL SLUT, DAD.
- HE SURE IS, MARTY,
WHICH BRINGS US TO EMMA.
WHAT A SPECTACULAR PIECE
OF "YOU KNOW WHAT" SHE IS.
- SHE GIVES ME WET DREAMS.
- [laughing]
OH, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME?
WELL, WE'D LOVE
TO STICK AROUND, WILL,
BUT WE HAVE PLENTY OF SHOPPING
TO DO BEFORE WE GO HOME
TO CATCH
THE LAWRENCE WELK SHOW.
COME ON, KIDS.
KEEP UP THE FINE BONING, WILL.
- THANK YOU FOR WAITING--
SMALL BLADDER.
SO I WAS THINKING,
SINCE WE'RE ALREADY HERE
AND I KIND OF NEED
A PAIR OF JEANS--
- SAY NO MORE.
YES, I WILL BE
THE DRESSING ROOM BOYFRIEND.
- OH.
- SORRY ABOUT THAT.
- NO, IT'S JUST THA IT'S ONLY OUR FIRST DATE.
- IT'S A DATE?
- WELL, YOU DID PAY
FOR THE AMAZINGLY DECADEN MALL FOOD, SO, YEAH.
- I CAN DO BETTER
THAN MALL FOOD.
- WELL, I'M PRETTY SURE
THAT YOU'LL HAVE A CHANCE
TO PROVE THAT.
- OOH.
[upbeat music]
HI.
OOH, YOU SAID
ONE PAIR OF JEANS.
- YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE
FISCALLY IRRESPONSIBLE
FOR ME TO IGNORE
THESE INCREDIBLE DEALS.
- OH, OKAY.
IT WOULD.
- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
I'LL BE THE DECAYING SKELETON
IN THE LEATHER JACKETS.
- OKAY.
HAVE FUN.
- YEAH.
YEESH.
- CAN I HELP YOU
FIND A SIZE?
- YEAH, I'M LOOKING
FOR A 31.
- OKAY.
[grunts]
WHY DON'T YOU TRY THESE ON,
AND WHILE YOU'RE
IN THE DRESSING ROOM,
I'LL FIND THAT SIZE FOR YOU.
- GREAT.
- MICHELLE.
CAN YOU SET HIM UP
WITH A ROOM?
- ABSOLUTELY.
RIGHT THIS WAY, SIR.
- THANKS.
SORRY.
SORRY.
- CLUMSY ME.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
YOUR DRESSING ROOM'S
RIGHT THIS WAY.
- [sighs]
- OH, SHIT.
[echoing moaning]
- GIVE ME A SHOU IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.
- UH, WILL DO.
[suspenseful music]
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I WAS--
I JUST--
- I GET HIM FIRST.
YOU STAND GUARD.
HOW'S EVERYTHING
GOING IN HERE?
- FINE.
I DON'T NEED ANYTHING.
- NO, LET ME JUST HELP YOU
WITH YOUR PANTS.
- SERIOUSLY,
I CAN'T DO IT.
I CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT NOW.
CAN I COME BACK LATER, PLEASE?
LIKE--
- NO.
- JESUS.
- THESE ARE FULL.
TRY THE ROOMS
ON THE OTHER SECTION.
- [moaning]
- WILL?
- [sighs]
YES.
[creaking]
- EXCUSE ME.
DID YOU SEE A GUY
WITH A TEDDY BEAR
GO IN ANY OF THESE?
- NO, NO GUYS HERE, NONE.
- OH, THAT'S THE SPOT!
[creaking]
- THAT IS MAINTENANCE.
- KILL IT, BABY!
KILL IT!
- SHE'S--THERE'S A--
THERE'S A RA RUNNING RAMPAN THROUGH THIS ROOM.
SHE'S AGGRESSIVE.
IT'S HUGE.
- OKAY, I'LL JUST--
- OKAY, YEAH.
THANKS.
HAVE A NICE DAY.
DON'T FORGET TO FILL OU A COMMENT CARD.
- PST, WILL.
- CRAZY HAT GUY,
WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- WHAT THE FUCK
YOU THINK I'M DOING, WILL?
I'M BUYING JEANS.
HEY, BY THE WAY,
THESE MAKE ME LOOK LESS BLACK?
- I CAN'T TALK TO YOU
RIGHT NOW.
- ALL RIGHT, PLAYER, FINE.
YOU GO BE WITH EMMA,
BUT YOU REMEMBER WHO THE FUCK
YOU DOING THIS ALL FOR.
- [whispering] OKAY, LOOK.
I KNOW WHO I'M DOING IT FOR.
AND I KNOW WHAT THE RULES
OF THE TAPE ARE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP
POPPING UP
ALL OVER THE PLACE
AND TELLING ME.
- JEEZ, SOMEBODY'S
A LITTLE BITCHY TODAY.
OH, WILL, ONE MORE THING...
- [whispers] THANK YOU.
- [laughing]
AH, TO BE YOUNG AND DUMB
AND FULL OF COME.
YEAH, THAT'LL WORK.
WHATEVER, PLAYER.
- HEY.
- HELLO.
- WHERE WERE YOU?
I WAS LOOKING EVERYWHERE
FOR YOU.
- I WAS, UM--
YOU KNOW THE PEOPLE
IN THE MALLS
WHO HAVE YOU DO THE SURVEYS
FOR 20 BUCKS?
- YEAH.
- I WAS DOING ONE OF THOSE.
- OH, WHAT ABOUT?
- HOW I FEEL ABOUT MALL SURVEYS.
- HMM, AND HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT MALL SURVEYS?
- I DO NOT LIKE THEM.
- REALLY?
- THEY DIDN'T LIKE THAT ANSWER,
SO THEY DIDN'T GIVE ME 20 BUCKS.
DO YOU WANT TO TAKE
OUR TEDDY BEAR
AND GO DO THE GO-KARTS?
- HEY.
- OH, SORRY.
- AH, HI.
JEN, EMMA,
EMMA, JEN,
JEN, EMMA.
- HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.
- WHAT'S WITH THE--
WHAT'S UP WITH THE TEDDY BEAR?
YOU WERE NEVER
INTO STUFFED ANIMALS.
- SO HOW DO YOU TWO
KNOW EACH OTHER?
- I WAS HIS GIRLFRIEND.
- OH.
- YEAH.
- WELL, THANK YOU
FOR LETTING HIM GO.
I THINK HE'S A KEEPER.
- SO HOW IS STEVE?
- UH, I'M NOT WITH STEVE.
I WAS NOT REALLY WITH STEVE.
YOU KNOW THAT.
- YOU KNOW, OUR PUPPY'S WAITING,
SO WE SHOULD PROBABLY--YEAH.
- WE SHOULD PROBABLY--
IT WAS GOOD SEEING YOU, OKAY?
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
UM, HOW AWESOME ARE YOU?
- OH, MY GOD, YOU WERE SO LOUD
IN THE DRESSING ROOM
WHEN YOU WERE HAVING SEX
WITH THAT GUY.
IF I WEREN'T THE MANAGER,
YOU WOULD SO BE FIRED.
- WAIT, WHY DID WE HAVE SEX
WITH THAT GUY AGAIN?
- I DON'T KNOW.
AND WHAT WAS UP
WITH THAT TEDDY BEAR?
- IT WAS KIND OF KINKY.
- IT WAS LIKE A THREESOME.
- OH.
- OH, HI.
- HI.
- HI.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY ON A PAIR
OF OUR NEW RICH AND SKINNY
CORDUROYS?
- MM.
ABSO-FRIGGING-LUTELY.
- RIGHT THIS WAY.
- OKAY.
- ALL RIGHT.
HERE YOU GO.
- THANK YOU.
- LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED
ANOTHER SIZE OR ANYTHING.
- MM-HMM.
[dramatic music]
- DUDE, MAN,
YOU ARE A FUCKING STALLION,
A FUCKING BLACK STALLION.
FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF HER!
UNBELIEVABLE.
JUST RAIL THAT CHICK, MAN.
- OH, MY GOD!
- WHAT THE--
OH, HEY, THERE.
NO, I MEAN,
WHAT THE FUCK?
- WILL YOU PUT IT AWAY?
- YES, IT'S PUT AWAY.
- IS IT AWAY?
- OH, MY GOD.
WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I WANT THAT VIDEO.
IN EXCHANGE,
I WON'T TELL YOUR BOSS
OR YOUR WIFE
WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING.
- UM...
IT'S OKAY
IF I MAKE YOU A COPY?
- YEAH.
- CAN I FINISH?
- [groans]
[soft piano music]
- I HAD A REALLY GREAT TIME.
- ME TOO.
- AND NOW WE HAVE
THIS AWESOME FIRST DATE STORY
TO TELL OUR KIDS, DON'T WE?
- AND A REALLY COOL NAME
FOR OUR DOG--
UH, YOUR DOG.
- OF COURSE.
- I CAN'T GO HOME WITH YOU.
- I KNOW.
- I MEAN, I WANT TO, BUT...
- I WANT YOU TO.
- I CAN'T.
I MEAN, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
IT HAS TO FEEL RIGHT.
- IT WILL BE, YEAH.
- [sighs]
I'M NOT USUALLY LIKE THIS.
SOMETHING BIGGER
IS AT PLAY HERE.
- LIKE WHAT?
- FATE, IDIOT.
- RIGHT, FATE.
SO WHEN DO I SEE YOU AGAIN?
- UM, TOMORROW NIGHT.
- IS THAT THE PREVIOUSLY ALLUDED
TO SECOND DATE?
- YEAH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
THERE'S SOMEWHERE
I HAVE TO BE,
AND I'D LIKE FOR YOU
TO JOIN ME.
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
- BYE.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M WAITING
TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
[both chuckle]
- ME NEITHER.
- BYE.
[dramatic music]
[tape squealing]
[knock at door]
[pounding at door]
- I'M READING!
[pounding at door]
DAMN IT.
CHILL OUT, TITO.
WHOSE HAIR IS ON FIRE?
[knocking at door]
WHAT?
- HMM.
WHERE IS HE?
- BY ALL MEANS, COME IN.
CAN I FIX YOU A WARM GLASS
OF "CHILL THE FUCK OUT"?
[tape squealing]
[knocking]
- WHAT THE HELL?
- OKAY, SO NOT ONLY
DO YOU HAVE A NEW GIRLFRIEND,
BUT YOU STARTED
CHEATING ON HER ALREADY?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- I OVERHEARD THOSE SLUTS
AT THE MALL,
THE ONE THAT YOU
WERE SLEEPING WITH.
- OKAY, LOOK.
THAT'S--
THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
- REALLY, REALLY?
'CAUSE I THINK
THAT YOU'VE BECOME A WHORE.
A WHORE!
- ARE YOU 12?
LOOK.
YOU BROKE UP WITH ME.
SO WHY DO YOU CARE
WHO I SLEEP WITH?
AND WHY DO I GIVE A FUCK
WHATEVER THE HELL YOU THINK?
- BECAUSE I--
I--
I WANT YOU TO TEACH ME
EVERYTHING
THAT YOU HAVE LEARNED.
- NO, STOP.
GET OFF.
- [laughing]
SHUT UP, WILL,
AND DO ME.
- PLEASE, NO.
PLEASE, JEN.
- AS YOU WERE.
I'VE SEEN BOOBIES BEFORE.
- [growls]
YOU'RE SO GROSS.
- COME ON, I--
I WOULD LET YOU WATCH.
YOU'RE LETTING
THE TERRORISTS WIN.
- JEN, IT'S OKAY.
- HA.
[laughs]
WHOO!
[moaning]
OH, MY GOD, WILL!
OH, WILLIAM, WILLIAM!
WILLIAM JOSEPH HEMBRY!
OH, MY GOD,
OH, MY GOD.
[screaming]
- AH!
- OH, YES!
[screams]
[screaming]
OH, JESUS!
MARY AND JOSEPH.
WILLIAM.
THAT WAS THE MOST...
[smooches]
UNBELIEVABLE SEX
OF ALL TIME.
[sighs]
YOU KNOW,
AT FIRST I WAS ANGRY
THAT YOU SLEP WITH THOSE MALL SLUTS,
BUT NOW I GET IT,
BECAUSE I SAID
THAT IF YOU GOT BETTER AT SEX,
I'D GIVE US ANOTHER CHANCE,
AND YOU DID.
I MEAN, MY GOD,
HOW MANY GIRLS
DID YOU SLEEP WITH
IN ORDER TO GET SO GOOD
SO FAST?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
DON'T ANSWER THAT.
I DON'T REALLY WANT TO KNOW.
BUT WHAT MATTERS
IS THAT YOU DID THIS FOR ME,
SO I--I FORGIVE YOU
FOR DOING WHATEVER IT IS
THAT YOU NEEDED TO DO
IN ORDER TO WIN ME BACK.
NOW CAN YOU FORGIVE ME
FOR CHEATING ON YOU
AND FOR, UGH, BEING DUMB ENOUGH
TO EVER THINK
THAT YOU COULDN'T BE THE LOVER
THAT I NOW KNOW
WAS JUST ALWAYS
INSIDE OF YOU?
- OKAY, NO, THERE WAS A TIME
I WAS DOING THIS FOR YOU.
- UH-HUH.
- IMPROVING MYSELF
TO BE THE LOVER
YOU THOUGHT I NEEDED TO BE.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT ANYMORE.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- I WANT YOU TO LEAVE.
- UM, WILL,
I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.
- ME TOO,
BUT I DON'T,
NOT ANYMORE.
- OH-HO-HO, SO WHAT IS THIS?
IS THIS REVENGE SEX?
HURT ME THE WAY I HURT YOU?
- NO, JEN.
- OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT,
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE?
I--
[chuckles]
YOU HAVEN'T EVEN BEGUN
TO FEEL MY HEAT.
YOU THINK YOU'RE IN LOVE
WITH THIS--THIS EMMA?
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
LET'S SEE HOW SHE FEELS
WHEN FINDS OUT ABOU YOUR LITTLE, UH,
EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES.
[dramatic music]
- I WAS JUST GONNA PU A COAT OF PRIMER FOR THE--
- YOU ARE A FUCKING PERVERT!
- SHE SOUNDS LIKE A WOOKIEE
WHEN SHE ORGASMS.
- YEAH, SHE DOES.
- [growls]
I THOUGH YOU WANTED JEN BACK.
- I FELL IN LOVE
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
- AND--AND YOU SLEPT WITH JEN
BECAUSE...
- I HAD TO.
- 'CAUSE--'CAUSE YOU HAD TO.
YEAH, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT,
BUT, UM,
DID I EVER THANK YOU
FOR THE RIHANNA THING?
- ONLY ABOUT 100 TIMES.
- THANK YOU.
- PUT MY PANTS ON.
[upbeat music]
- GOOD MORNING.
WELCOME TO THE RITZ HOWLTON.
CHECKING A GUEST IN?
- UH, NO, ACTUALLY
I HAVE A PACKAGE FOR EMMA,
AND IT'S REALLY,
REALLY IMPORTAN THAT SHE GETS I RIGHT AWAY.
- WELL, SHE'S NOT IN TODAY,
BUT I'LL SEE TO I THAT SHE GETS I FIRST THING TOMORROW.
- OKAY, THANK YOU.
- MY PLEASURE, MA'AM.
[dogs barking]
MY PLEASURE.
[surf crashing]
- HI.
- HI.
- WOW, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- WELL, YOU KNOW,
IT'S HARD TO SCREW UP
THIS KIND OF PERFECTION.
- IT IS.
OKAY, THEN.
YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME
WHERE WE'RE GOING TONIGHT.
- I'M TAKING YOU SOMEWHERE
THAT WILL SHED SOME LIGH ONTO WHY
I'M UNNATURALLY FIENDING
TO RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF.
- OKAY.
LET'S GO.
- ALL RIGHT.
- AS WONDERFUL
AS MASTURBATION IS,
IT'S--IT'S THE CHAFING.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO--
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COPE WITH--
- HEY, EMMA!
- HI.
SORRY.
- HEY, EMMA.
- HELLO.
- HI.
- HEY, EMMA.
- HEY.
- NEW GUY.
SO I WAS RECENTLY TEMPTED
OVER THE WEEKEND.
YOU SEE, THERE WAS
THIS NICE, YOUNG LADY,
AND I MET HER AT THE CLUB.
AND SHE WAS--
SHE WAS SUCH A LITTLE WHORE.
SHE WANTED ME
TO RIP HER CLOTHES OFF
RIGHT THERE ON THE DANCE FLOOR
AND PUT HER UP AGAINST THE WALL,
BUT, UM--
BUT I DID NOT DO THAT.
LIKE A GOOD BOY,
I WENT INTO THE MEN'S ROOM,
WALKED INTO A STALL,
LOCKED IT,
DROPPED MY FUCKING PANTS,
AND I JACKSON POLLOCKED
THAT SHIT EVERYWHERE,
RELEASING THREE WEEKS
OF TENSION IN ONE NIGHT.
SADLY, I, UM--
I RUINED MY REALLY GOOD
GOING OUT SHIR WITH MY OWN JISM.
THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SHARE.
[applause]
- THANK YOU, SONNY,
FOR THA NEEDLESSLY GRAPHIC TESTIMONY.
WHO'D LIKE TO SPEAK NEXT?
- I WOULD.
HI, I'M EMMA.
- HI, EMMA.
- HI.
AND--
AND I'M A SEX ADDICT.
ACTUALLY, THIS WEEK
MARKS MY ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY
ABSTAINING FROM SEX.
- WOW, WOW.
- THANK YOU.
IT WAS CRAZY HARD, THOUGH,
NOT GIVING IN.
I MEAN, THERE WERE SOME TIMES
WHERE I THOUGHT I'D JUMP
THE FIRST GUY
WHO SAID GOOD MORNING TO ME,
BUT I DIDN'T.
IT MADE ME STRONGER.
IT MADE ME UNDERSTAND
HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS
TO WAIT FOR THE RIGHT GUY
TO COME ALONG
AND HOW SPECIAL IT WILL BE
WHEN I FINALLY DO SHARE MYSELF
WITH HIM.
[soft piano music]
I THINK I FOUND HIM.
I JUST HOPE,
NOW THAT I'VE SHARED
MY DARKEST SECRET WITH HIM,
HE DOESN'T RUN AWAY.
THANK YOU.
[applause]
HOW COMPLETELY FREAKED
ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?
- SLIGHT-TO-MILD FREAK.
HEY.
SERIOUSLY, I CAN TAKE IT.
- WELL, I NEEDED YOU TO KNOW
THAT PART OF MY LIFE,
'CAUSE I MADE A PROMISE
TO MYSELF
THAT THE NEXT PERSON I WAS WITH
WOULD BE THE LAST,
LIKE, THE WHOLE
"TILL DEATH DO US PART" THING.
[soft acoustic guitar music]
- YOUR SKIN IS SOFT,
AND MINE IS ROUGH
- IS THIS JUST, UM,
MY ADDICTION OR SOMETHING ELSE?
- AND ALL I KNOW IS...
- SOMETHING ELSE.
- I CAN'T PULL AWAY
BUT THEN AGAIN,
I NEVER WOULD
BUT I START TO FEEL
YOUR BREATH MIXED WITH MINE
I KNOW THAT YOUR HANDS
AND YOUR LEGS
ARE NOT FAR BEHIND
CAN'T TELL WHERE I END
AND THEN WHERE YOU BEGIN
I LOVE GETTING TANGLED
THE GOOD KIND OF TANGLED
WITH YOU
[music fades]
- [whispers]
YOU ARE A FREAK OF NATURE.
- YOU'RE NOT SO BAD YOURSELF.
- [chuckles]
I MEAN,
EVEN IF I DIDN'T LIKE YOU
AS MUCH AS I DO,
I'D BE A COMPLETE FOOL
TO LET SOMEONE WITH YOUR TALENTS
GET AWAY.
- I WASN'T ALWAYS THIS GOOD.
IT'S LUCK, SKILL,
AND A WHOLE LOT OF--
SORRY.
- NO,
I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW
HOW MANY PEOPLE
I'VE BEEN WITH.
- YOU SAID "PEOPLE," LIKE...
- MM-HMM.
- WOMEN TOO?
REALLY?
WELL, NOW, THOSE EXPERIENCES,
YOU CAN FEEL FREE TO SHARE
IN AS MUCH DETAIL AS POSSIBLE.
- [whispers]
I HAVE TO GO TO WORK.
WILL I SEE YOU LATER?
[surf crashing]
- I GET OFF AT 9:00.
DROP OFF A MOVIE,
AND I'LL COME OVER.
- CAN'T WAIT.
- HEY, JERRY.
- MORNING, EM.
HEY, SOMEBODY LEFT THIS
FOR YOU YESTERDAY.
- OH.
WHO WAS IT?
- SHE DIDN'T SAY
WHO SHE WAS.
- OH.
THANK YOU.
[dogs barking]
- RUFF, RUFF.
[somber acoustic guitar music]
- HEY.
THOUGHT I WAS COMING
TO SEE YOU.
WHAT'S THIS?
- A SURVEILLANCE VIDEO
FROM THE MALL.
- LOOK.
I CAN EXPLAIN THIS.
- NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE ONLY KISSED AT THAT POINT,
SO I CAN'T REALLY PULL
ANY SORT OF TERRITORIAL
THING HERE,
BUT LOOK.
I JUST CAME HERE
TO FIND OUT ONE THING:
WHEN YOU HAD SEX WITH JEN,
WAS THAT BECAUSE YOU
STILL HAD FEELINGS FOR HER,
OR WAS THAT SOMETHING DIFFERENT?
- NO, WAIT.
EMMA, LOOK. LOOK.
IT'S WAY MORE COMPLICATED
THAN THAT.
IT'S--
- OKAY.
OKAY, SO IT'S TRUE.
- WAIT.
WAIT.
WAIT, PLEASE.
JEN BROKE UP WITH ME
BECAUSE I WAS LOUSY IN BED,
AND I WANTED TO GET BETTER
SO I COULD GET HER BACK,
'CAUSE I THOUGHT I LOVED HER,
AND THERE WAS THIS TAPE
WITH THESE RULES, AND I HAD
TO SLEEP WITH THESE WOMEN
IN A CERTAIN ORDER.
IT MADE ME BETTER.
AND THEN I MET YOU,
AND YOU WERE ON THE TAPE,
BUT I--
I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
I TOLD JEN I DIDN'T LOVE HER
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE
WITH ANYONE ELSE,
AND I NEVER WILL BE--
THAT WHOLE
"TILL DEATH DO US PART" THING.
LOOK ME IN THE EYES,
AND TELL ME YOU DON'T LOVE ME.
- THIS IS MY SEX ADDICTS
ANONYMOUS SPONSOR.
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, WILL.
YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH IT.
- EMMA, I'M--
I'M NOT JUST A WHORE.
I'M SORRY.
- I'M--
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S FINE.
- COME ON.
- NOPE, IT'S FINE.
- IT--IT'S JUST,
I DID THIS FOR US.
- EXCUSE ME.
- EMMA, PLEASE.
- SORRY, MAN.
THAT MUST REALLY HURT.
WANT TO GO GET A THAI MASSAGE?
[mutters]
ALL RIGHT.
HAPPY ENDING TIME FOR ME
[somber piano music]
[knocking]
- OH, OH, OH!
[laughs]
MM, HI.
[clears throat]
WELL, LOOK WHO IT IS.
I TRUST YOU'VE HAD
A VERY ACTIVE MONTH,
YOUNG SQUIRE.
- I JUST NEED TO GIVE THIS BACK.
- OH.
OH, MY.
WAIT.
WAIT JUST ONE SECOND.
[upbeat jazzy music]
[record scratches]
[upbeat music]
- AH, GODDAMN, WILL.
IT'S BEEN 30 DAYS ALREADY, HUH?
- LOOK, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE,
SLIMY DUDE, BUT--
OKAY, FINE.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
BUT I'M NOT COMING IN.
I JUST WANT TO RETURN
THIS STUPID TAPE.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER, WILL?
WAS THERE A PROBLEM?
DID YOU SLEEP
WITH ALL THE WOMEN ON THE TAPE?
- LOOK, I DON'T REALLY
WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOU.
CAN YOU JUST TAKE
THE GODDAMN TAPE BACK?
- WILL,
DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU
THAT ONE OF THE WOMEN
YOU SLEPT WITH
COULD END UP BEING THE ONE
YOU'RE MEANT TO BE WITH
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
- YEAH, OKAY,
THAT FUCKING OCCURRED TO ME.
IT ISN'T GONNA HAPPEN.
- BECAUSE SHE FOUND OU THAT YOU'VE BEEN BONING
OTHER WOMEN?
- YEAH, IT'S FUNNY
HOW THAT LITTLE DETAIL
DOESN'T SIT SO WELL
WITH THE WOMAN YOU LOVE.
- WILL, REMEMBER THE RULES
OF THE FUCKING TAPE.
IN ORDER TO RETAIN
YOUR SEXUAL PROWESS,
YOU HAVE TO SLEEP
WITH ALL THE WOMEN ON THE TAPE
IN THE ORDER THAT YOU SAW 'EM,
AND YOU HAVE TO RETURN
THE GODDAMN TAPE IN 30 DAYS.
- YEAH, TODAY'S THE 30TH DAY.
- AND WOULDN'T IT BE FUCKED UP
IF THAT TAPE DOESN'T GE RETURNED UNTIL TOMORROW?
NOT ONLY WILL YOU LOSE
EVERYTHING YOU'VE GAINED,
BUT ALL THE WOMEN YOU'VE MET,
THEY'LL NEVER REMEMBER
THEY EVEN MET YOU.
WILL, YOU REALLY WANT TO BE
WITH THIS WOMAN, DON'T YOU?
I THINK BOTH YOU AND I
KNOW THE TRUTH.
LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, SON.
IT'S GONNA TAKE
A WHOLE LOT OF WORK.
- YEAH.
[door clicks]
- WHY, HELLO, YOUNG MAN.
YOU WANT TO COME IN
AND SHOW MY WIFE
EVERYTHING YOU LEARNED
THE PAST MONTH?
- UH, OKAY, UH...
- [laughing]
- GOD DAMN IT.
WILL YOU PLEASE
PUT THAT FUCKING THING AWAY
AND GO GET THE BALL GAG
IN THE KIDS' TOY BOX
LIKE I ASKED?
- THIS ONE,
ALWAYS SO BOSSY.
SEE YOU SOON, WILL.
[relaxed jazzy music]
- WHAT A TOOL.
ANYWAY,
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
- THANK YOU, WISE SEX DUDE.
- I'M THE BEST.
[laughing]
TAKE IT EASY, WILL.
- SO EMMA'S
REALLY GONNA FORGET ME?
[engine turns over]
[engine revving]
[rhythmic laughter]
[laughter stops]
- MMM, YEAH, MMM.
MMM, MORNING.
CAN I FIX YOU SOME--
[birds chirping]
MMM, MMM.
[engine revving]
- FOR THE BACHELOR.
AND THIS IS MY BABY.
[laughter]
- HI, THERE.
WELCOME TO THE RITZ HOWLTON.
OH, WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
LITTLE GUY?
HEY.
- FLASH.
HIS NAME'S FLASH.
- WELL, THAT'S A GREAT NAME.
WHAT CAN WE DO
FOR FLASH TODAY?
FOR YOUR DOG?
- SIR,
IF YOU COME WITH ME,
WE CAN BEGIN
THE INTERVIEW PROCESS FOR FLASH,
SEE IF HE'S COMPATIBLE
WITH THE OTHER GUESTS
HERE AT THE RITZ.
- SORRY, I JUST REMEMBERED
I NEED TO BE SOMEWHERE.
I'LL COME BACK LATER
TO INTERVIEW.
- OKAY.
BYE, FLASH.
- HOLY SHIT.
SHE REALLY DOESN'T KNOW ME.
- CAN YOU BELIEVE
HE PUT MY VIDEO ON YOUTUBE?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW A BILLION
PEOPLE ARE GONNA SEE IT,
AND IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN SEND I IN FOR MY BACHELOR AUDITION.
HI, CAN WE HELP YOU?
- I GUESS NOT.
- AH, SERIAL KILLER MUCH?
- HEY, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.
I THINK I ALREADY KNOW
THE ANSWER TO THIS,
BUT DO YOU REMEMBER ME AT ALL?
- LOOK, BACK THE FUCK OFF,
FREAK.
- I JUST NEED TO KNOW
IF YOU REMEMBER ME.
- LOOK, JUST BECAUSE
I'M A YOGA TEACHER,
DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T KICK
YOUR FUCKING ASS!
- OKAY--OH, GOD!
[groaning]
OH, GOD.
[soft instrumental music]
- I WISH...
[knocking]
- KEEP STALKING
THOSE BITCHES, PARTNER.
- EVERY TIME
YOU LOOKED AT ME
WITH THAT COLDNESS
IN YOUR STARE
AT LEAST THEN,
I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SEE
WHEN YOU WALK AWAY
AND I'M STUCK
LOOKING LIKE A LOVER ON TV
DON'T WANT TO WATCH YOU
BREAK MY HEART
DON'T WANT TO WATCH YOU
BREAK MY HEART
AGAIN
[keyboard tapping]
AGAIN
[music fades]
[pounding at door]
- OCUPADO.
[grunts]
HEY, MAN,
WHERE YOU BEEN?
YOU'VE BEEN HOLED UP IN THERE
FOR A WEEK.
DUDE.
YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT!
MAYBE THAT'S ME.
- WHY WAS MY DOG THERE?
- DUDE, THIS DOESN'T SUCK!
- YOU'RE HERE TO BUY SOMETHING.
WE DON'T NEED--
NO, WE DON'T NEED TO GO
THROUGH ALL THE DETAILS.
WE'RE HERE BECAUSE YOU
ALREADY LIKE IT.
WE'RE HERE BECAUSE OF THIS.
SHOW 'EM THE--
SHOW 'EM THE COVER.
THIS--YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
- WE'RE DEFINITELY HERE
BECAUSE OF THIS.
- BAM!
- WOW.
- CHECK THAT OUT.
- IN A SINGLE BREATH,
IT'S AMAZING.
RIGHT?
- IT'S AMAZING.
- ALL RIGHT?
SUPER DAD.
THIS GUY CAME UP WITH THE STORY.
I'M DOING THE INKING.
WHAT DOES A SUPER DAD HAVE?
SUPERPOWERS AND...
- SUPER BABIES.
- SUPER BABIES.
[stirring music]
THIS IS THE LAST HOUR
OF THE LAST DAY
BEFORE THE FIRST DAY
OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
PICK YOURSELF UP NOW
- HI, UH.
[gasping]
HOW DID YOU GUYS
COME UP WITH THE IDEA
ABOUT SUPER DAD?
- OH, UH, WELL,
WILL HAD A GENERAL STORY IDEA
ABOUT A MAN-SLU WITH SUPERPOWERS
WHO KNOCKED UP
A BUNCH OF HIS ONE-NIGHT STANDS.
SO THAT GOT US THINKING,
WHAT IF ALL THAT HUMPING AROUND
CAME BACK TO HAUNT HIM
IN SOME WAY?
SO THEN WE THOUGHT,
OKAY, HERE'S THE PLOT:
SUPER DAD'S ENEMIES
KILL ALL OF HIS FORMER LOVERS
TO GET BACK AT SUPER DAD,
BUT WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW
IS THAT SUPER DAD
HAS ALL THESE ILLEGITIMATE
CHILDREN RUNNING AROUND
WHO HAVE INHERITED
HIS SUPERPOWERS.
SO NOW NOT ONLY IS HE IN CHARGE
OF DEFENDING THE ENTIRE WORLD,
HE'S GOT TO RAISE THIS GAGGLE
OF SUPERPOWERED BABIES.
AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH
THE SPRINGBOARD
TO THE WHOLE, UH--
THE WHOLE SERIES.
RIGHT, WILL?
- YEAH, WHAT HE SAID.
HE GOT IT.
- OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
THANKS A LOT.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
OH, OH, GOD.
- THERE YOU GO.
TAKE CARE.
- BYE.
- YOU KNOW,
YOU COULD AC LIKE YOU'RE
ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS.
- I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
NOWHERE I'D RATHER BE.
- IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DO...
- [panting]
HEY.
- HI, HI.
- CAN YOU GUYS
MAKE IT OUT TO RONNIE,
YOUR FAVORITE MERE MORTAL?
- NO PROBLEM.
- SURE.
[mumbling]
THERE YOU GO.
- THIS ONE TOO.
IT'S THE FIRST BOOK
YOU EVER INKED.
- SEE? A REAL FAN.
- NICE.
- AND THIS.
I JUST HAPPENED
TO BE WALKING BY
WHERE YOU GUYS
HAPPENED TO BE HAVING DINNER.
TAKEN THROUGH THE WINDOW,
BUT--
- [chuckling]
COOL.
- IT STILL WORKS.
IT'S YOU GUYS.
- YOU JUST FOUND US, HUH?
- YEAH.
I ALSO GOT THIS
OUT OF THE BATHROOM STALL
THAT YOU GUYS USED
AFTER LUNCH TODAY.
- OKAY.
- ABDUL.
- ABDUL.
- PLEASE.
- SIGNATURE ON THAT--
YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
- HEY.
- I LOVE YOU GUYS!
- TAKE CARE.
- SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST,
LIKE, SUPER WEIRD.
[laughs]
- OH, MAN.
- HEY.
- HEY, MAN, WHAT YOU GOT?
- CAN YOU MAKE IT OU TO LANDON?
- SURE.
- I KNOW YOU.
YOU'RE THE GUY
THAT CAME TO THE RITZ
RECENTLY WITH THE DOG
WITH THE REALLY CUTE UNDERBITE.
FLASH, RIGHT?
- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- YOU TOO.
THIS IS MY NEPHEW.
HE LOVES YOUR COMIC.
- SWEET, WELL, MAKE SURE
YOU GET A SUBSCRIPTION THEN.
THAT WAY,
YOU DON'T MISS AN ISSUE.
- OH, I WILL.
- GREAT.
THERE YOU GO, MAN.
- THANK YOU.
- THANKS, GUYS.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- YOU KNOW THAT CHICK?
- VAGUELY.
- AWESOME, APPRECIATE IT.
YOU GUYS DID GREAT,
AWESOME.
YEAH, WE'LL SEE YOU GUYS
NEXT WEEK.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
- ALL RIGHT.
GUYS,
THAT WAS A AWESOME JOB, MAN.
THOSE KIDS WERE STOKED,
ALL RIGHT?
READY FOR NEXT WEEK?
DO IT AGAIN, ALL RIGHT?
- ROCK AND ROLL.
- SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
- THAT WAS FUN.
- I USED TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE.
- YOU DID?
- YEAH.
- [chuckles]
- I USED TO HAVE SUCH A CRUSH
ON JOHNNY STORM
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL.
MY BROTHER
WAS A COMIC BOOK GEEK,
SO I GOT THE GEEK EDUCATION...
both: BY OSMOSIS.
[soft piano music]
- THANKS AGAIN
FOR SIGNING MY NEPHEW'S COPY
OF YOUR COMIC.
YOU TOTALLY MADE HIS LIFE.
- NO, MY PLEASURE.
- SPEAKING OF WHICH,
I SHOULD PROBABLY FIND HIM.
- I THINK HE'S OKAY.
YOU KNOW, WHEN MY PARENTS
USED TO BRING ME HERE AS A KID,
I COULDN'T WAIT FOR THEM
TO LEAVE
SO I COULD DO THE SAME THING
HE'S DOING NOW.
I BET HE'S FORGOTTEN
ALL ABOUT HIS AUNT EMMA.
- MEANING I HAVE TIME
FOR MY OWN LEISURELY PURSUITS?
- IF ONE WERE SO INCLINED.
- WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING?
- MAYBE COFFEE,
TWO CHAIRS,
WITTY BANTER,
YOU AND ME.
THERE'S A PLACE
RIGHT NEXT DOOR.
I'M SURE ABDUL CAN KEEP AN EYE
ON YOUR NEPHEW.
- WELL, YOU'RE THE BIG SHO COMIC BOOK WRITER.
YOU'RE PAYING.
- NOT REALLY A BIG SHOT YET.
- UM, WELL, THEN I CAN SAY
I KNEW YOU WHEN.
- WHEN WHAT?
- WHEN YOU...
WERE JUST A STRUGGLING ARTIST?
I DON'T KNOW.
- LATELY
I'VE BEEN WEARING YOU
LIKE A FADED, OLD TATTOO
FORGETTING ALL THE JOY
I FELT
WHEN HOLDING YOU WAS NEW
BUT IF I CAN'T TURN
THE CLOCKS BACK
OR HELP YOUR HEARTACHE MEND
LET ME LOVE YOU
- LOVE YOU
- FOR THE FIRST TIME AGAIN
[upbeat music]
WE'VE HAD FALSE STARTS
AND FIZZLE OUTS
AND BLURRED THE LINES
OF RIGHT AND WRONG
- AH, AH, AH
- WE'VE HAD WRONG WAYS
AND TURNABOUTS
AND ONLY ENDED UP MORE LOS - AH, AH, AH
- BUT MAYBE THERE'S
A BETTER WAY
TO FINALLY
GET AHOLD OF IT
'CAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
I WANT
TO EVER STAR ALL OVER WITH
REMEMBER
THAT THE FINISH LINE'S
ANOTHER WORD
FOR THE END
LET ME LOVE YOU
- LOVE YOU
- FOR THE FIRST TIME AGAIN
FOR THE FIRST TIME AGAIN
[relaxed jazzy music]
- WHEN THE DOCTOR
DIAGNOSED MY NUT CANCER
AS INOPERABLE,
I DECIDED TO LIVE EACH DAY
TO ITS FULLES AND REALLY GO OUT THERE
AND DO ALL THE THINGS
THAT I HAD PUT OFF,
LIKE CLIMBING MOUNT EVERES AND LEARNING TO PLAY
THE SLIDE GUITAR
AND VOLUNTEERING
AT THE REFUGEE CAMP
IN "DARFAR."
- DARFUR.
- DARFUR.
- DARFUR.
- BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
I DID IS
ADOPT THIS ABUSED PUPPY
FROM THE ANIMAL SHELTER.
- YOU ARE SO SWEET.
- HOW LONG DID THE DOCTOR
GIVE YOU?
- I WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE
A MONTH AGO.
OH, YES, THERE'S STILL FIGH LEFT IN THIS FLAWED HUMAN SHELL.
[exhales sharply]
- NATHAN.
- YEAH?
- WE GOT TO GO.
- YOU HAVE TO LEAVE NOW?
- I JUST HAVE SOMEWHERE TO BE,
SO UNLESS SOMEONE ELSE
WANTS TO GIVE HIM A RIDE--
- WE CAN DO IT.
- REALLY?
YOU WOULDN'T MIND?
- RIGHT, LATER.
- OH, ONE MINUTE.
WOULD YOU MIND?
- NO, NO.
- WHAT'S UP?
- EXCELLENT WINGMANSHIP, MAN,
EXCELLENT.
WHO KNEW THAT PUPPIES
WERE SUCH GREAT BABE MAGNETS?
WE SHOULD GET A BUNCH OF 'EM.
- GOOD LUCK CLOSING THE DEAL.
- WHERE YOU OFF TO?
- DATE WITH EMMA.
- VAYA CON DIOS, BRO.
- DO YOU EVEN KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS?
- NO.
BUT IT SOUNDS COOL
'CAUSE IT'S MEXICAN.
LADIES, THANK YOU.
- WE JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
ANY WAY WE CAN.
- REALLY?
I'VE NEVER BEEN
IN A THREESOME.
THERE ARE THREE OF US,
AND I MAY DIE SOON.
[coughs]
DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A NO TO ME.
[both chuckle]
- UM, WHAT ABOUT FLASH?
- WELL, WE COULD MAKE I A FOURSOME.
[upbeat music]
- THAT'S SOME KINKY SHIT,
AND I LIKE IT.
LET'S DO THIS.
ting!
[electricity buzzing
and crackling]
[echoing moan]