Unkind thoughts about...
My nieces.
Like, they should get jobs.
Like... lazy.
Well, people do get jobs.
Like you.
Uh, like your nephew. He has a...
Cole's good.
The girls are...
I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings.
Do they ever hurt your feelings, Bernie,
by, for example, not working
when you at your age are still working?
I just want things to be nice.
Are they?
Nice?
Yes.
Okay, chick,
what is Zambia?
That is juice.
That is not juice.
Zambia.
Medicine-a.
These are stupid.
"For what was Winston
Churchill known chiefly?"
- Who has to even know that?
- It's not that hard.
Yeah, that's 'cause you got the...
"How many sides has a triangle?"
Both sides.
Bernie!
Girls!
Girls!
What is she doing?
Oh, shit! Bernie.
Egypt. Land of dark urges.
Building pyramids,
some of the greatest
erections man has ever had,
was not all hard work and no fun,
especially for the hunky overseers,
one of whom is shown here.
M... Min, I'm at work.
Bernie got hurt.
- What?
- Not bad, though, just a little.
She just, like, fell.
Okay, well, did you
take her to the clinic?
She says she's fine and
she's gotta get to work.
Okay, I'm comin' home.
I don't see why you
don't just call them.
You know, I hurt my foot,
I... I can't come in.
Cole, I have to talk to them in person.
Cashier is good.
It took me a long time to get it.
Well, let me help you in at least.
I'm fine.
And that might look a little weird.
The customers might not like that.
Just wait.
If you don't mind.
It's not twins, it's just huge.
I know. I mean,
I never thought I even
wanted any of this,
and now I'm like, I
wasn't anybody before.
Exactly, like,
this is why I was put here.
So corny.
Oh. Yeah, he's the best.
He, like, rubs my feet at night.
- He's so good to me.
- Connie.
Gotta go.
All right. Have a seat, little lady.
So, we're gonna be doing
some shuffling around.
Uh, I... I'm taking
that Betty off of the...
Who's Betty? We don't have a Betty.
Yeah, the, uh... the, uh,
really nervous, oldish...
- You know, always upbeat.
- Bernie.
- Bernie, right.
- But she's, uh... she's right...
I'm transitioning Bernie off of cashier
down to greeter.
Now, what we want in terms
of cashier is life. Huh?
- Confidence. Huh?
- Mm-hm.
So, you're cashier now, and Betty's not.
Mm-hm.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
You like those apples, huh?
- Yes, I do.
- Yeah, but you earned it.
I want you to just stay like that.
Life, right?
I'll just call.
And that ability to use tools...
All I'm saying is maybe if someone
falls down a flight of stairs,
- and can't walk...
- Says she's fine.
Okay, so maybe you decide. Is she fine?
Does her foot look fine to you?
We did what she said!
So, what's this? What is... What...
So what are we eating?
Stars-n-Flags.
Oh. Pretty.
I've had, like, five bowls already.
Them brown streaks in
the flags? Caffeine.
- Someone could cook.
- Dude, you cook.
We've been babysittin'.
You're babysitting your own kids.
You've just been sitting
on your ass all day.
Lookin' pretty.
Hey, check this out.
- Is that...
- Oh, my God.
- Angela.
- Padua Pork has pioneered
an innovative approach
to animal education
for aging seniors,
learning about animals,
and how they eventually become our food.
What, she's like a movie
star now or somethin'?
- I mean, she looks good.
- She does.
These lucky aged learners get
to see the ying and the yang,
bringing home a rich picture
of even the simplest meal.
I'm Angela Silveri for
Action News Team 10.
You oughta hit that.
She was nice.
What happened with her?
I don't know. Can't remember.
Can't remember?
Dude cried for, like, a month.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Shit. Again?
Fuck you, too!
Bern, we're going to
the mall. You wanna come?
No, I'm gonna stay right here,
enjoy my sick day.
Don't answer the door.
Too many freaks around here.
I'm goin' to work. Call if you need me.
Okay?
Relax.
Okay, our first ring, I am so excited...
Hey.
Come here.
Uh, she says she thinks you're very, um,
- appeal.
- Oh-ho.
Yeah.
She wants her view to be all.
- Uh?
- Mm-hm.
- She wants to take a selfie...
- Uh-huh.
With you down below. Huh?
It's her birthday.
Birthday.
Right.
We aren't allowed to do that, legally.
Ohh.
- 100.
- Uh-huh.
One picture, her face down below.
- Huh?
- Yeah.
For joke only. To send a
picture to man back home.
- He laughs. Huh?
- He laughs.
- Huh?
- I'm sorry, I can't.
Hey, what is this place?
Stripping place, yes?
You strip, we look. Huh?
- Well, no, actually, it's a...
- It is!
You know what? You disappoint
our trip so fucking much.
You do.
Cole.
What is guest?
It is someone who...
we do what they want.
I thought that wasn't allowed.
Well, it isn't.
And yet, it is.
Sometimes I think this
whole idea is misguided.
Is it sex, is it history?
The name is good, though.
"Posers."
I just...
just thought of it.
Min, I told you...
Get home. Get home right now.
What... Min, Min. Calm down, calm down.
Calm down. Tell me what happened.
Get the fuck home!
What the hell happened in here?
Get the babies. I don't want
them touching something dead.
Don't call her something dead, Min.
We came home and she was like that.
I think she's in a comma.
Guys, she's not, um...
She's not...
What do you mean?
What the fuck do you mean?
At this time,
if there are any family
members or friends
who would like to share
any special memories of Bernadette.
Uh, one... one of the things that I, uh,
really ad... admired
about her was that, uh,
she never stole.
That... that, uh... that I'm aware of.
Uh, s... so many of
these people, you know,
they... they feel like the big
faceless corporation owes me,
so I'll just take
whatever, but not Bernie.
That I know of.
Dollar here, dollar
there, next thing you know,
a place closes and nobody's working.
Bernie was a person who...
Yeah, I remember she once told me that
she thought of the
three of us as her kids.
So, al... although it might
seem like her life was lonely,
and, um...
I mean, for sure, the way
it ended, was... was, uh...
I mean, you're sittin' there,
you're just minding your own business,
and someone breaks in
and scares you so bad
that your h... heart stops,
I mean, that's... that's...
- It sucks so bad.
- It... it... but...
that doesn't change the
fact that she was loved.
So much.
And we're gonna find whoever did this,
and we're gonna make 'em pay,
no matter how long it takes.
No ma...
Lord, we thank you for the gift
that was Bernie.
We gotta come out here like every week.
Oh, I know I will.
What, like I won't?
She was so freakin' nice.
I'm sure. You swear at a grave?
Since when is freak a swear, chick?
Girls!
Bye, Bern.
To Bernie. A excellent lady.
I'd like to kill that
fuck that killed her.
How about we don't say fuck at lunch?
It's just a word, Ma.
Right? Like pluck is a word.
You don't mind if I say pluck, do you?
Pluck, pluck, pluck.
Well, shit's just a word, too,
but we don't say it at lunch.
This is supposed to be nice. For Bernie.
Uh, yeah.
Now you care.
What did you just say to me?
Guys, can we not, uh, do this right now?
The question in my mind is,
what are you kids gonna do now?
Because I consider this
whole thing a wake up call.
Meaning, it's time for you to
pull yourselves up by the
bootstraps like I done,
and get out of that dangerous
crap hole you're livin' at.
Gee whiz, it ain't that dangerous.
A lady gets killed and
it ain't that dangerous.
What's a bootstrap?
It's like a strap on a boot, you doof.
Jobs. Jobs! For both of you.
Blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, bloo.
Let me tell you kids somethin'.
Somethin' about this country.
Anybody can do anything.
But first, you gotta try.
And you guys ain't.
You kids make squat,
and therefore you live
in a dangerous crap hole.
And what happens in
a dangerous crap hole?
Bad, tragic shit.
Look, it's the freakin' American way.
You start out in a dangerous crap hole,
and work hard so you
can some day move up to
a somewhat less dangerous crap hole
and finally maybe you get a mansion.
At this rate, you
ain't even gonna make it
to the somewhat less
dangerous crap hole.
Like you live in a mansion.
I do not claim to live in no mansion.
But then again, I do
not live in no slum.
The other thing I also
do not do is strip naked.
Thank God for small favors.
Anyways, he's never actually naked.
- Right, Cole?
- Guys, could we keep our voices down, please?
Anyway, he's never actually naked.
Is it any wonder
we don't bring these
kids out to a nice lunch?
I do not even consider
this a nice lunch.
Cole?
Angela.
- My God.
- Hi.
We just seen you on TV.
That thing about the
guys who killed them cows
so those oldies could watch or whatever.
Can you get us some free steaks? Ha.
Um, Cole, this is Tobin.
Tobin, Cole.
I, uh... I read about your aunt.
She was always so sweet to me.
Yeah.
Well, it's nice to meet you, Tobin.
You're a lucky guy.
Uh, well...
you're very lucky, too.
Bye.
Nice.
Sure that's a good idea?
He's gonna weigh 7,000 pounds.
Do I weigh 7,000 pounds?
You used to love this shit right here.
A normal day, but Bruce Bitner's world
is about to be totally transformed
by the worst that could happen.
Is this the worst that could happen?
I only wish that were the case.
Hello.
Hi, Father.
Yeah, I never even thought
of being scared of that.
What... What does that mean?
I am so sorry.
Nothing like this has
ever happened here before.
What the hell?
Where's Bernie?
Somebody stole Bernie?
Her little shoe. Oh, my God.
- Is that it?
- That is it!
Where's the other... They only took one?
- I am freaking out!
- I am totally freakin' out.
What I don't get is who would want her?
She was just this lady.
Uh, Cole, it's Father Brian.
Um, listen, th... this is
such a difficult and, um,
well, strange situation
right now for you folks,
but please know that, um,
the thing lost, after all,
is only your aunt's body,
and what is essential, I
assure you, is elsewhere
being well taken care of.
Um, okay, um, listen, I'll let you know
if we find anything. Um...
How did that get in here?
- I mean, who would...
- Sit the fuck down.
You mister, huh,
are going to start showing your cock.
If a lady comes in, wants to see it,
if she'll pay to see it, you do it.
Money. It's all gonna take money.
Bernie.
Is she a zombie?
Ahh! I didn't even say it.
Zombie my ass.
You, Min, you're gonna
learn how to cook.
No more food out of cans.
We gotta eat right to look our best.
Because I'm gettin' me so many lovers.
You kids don't know this,
but I died a freakin' virgin.
No babies, no lovers.
Nothin' went in, nothin' came out.
Well...
I'm gonna have lovers now, you fucks!
Like in the movies.
Big shoulders and all.
And a summer house.
And in the morning in my room,
a vase of flowers.
And I'm gonna get my nipples hard
standin' in the breeze from the ocean,
eatin' shrimp from a
cup, you son's of bitches!
Oh, my God.
I never had nothin'.
My life was shit!
I never even went up
in a freakin' plane.
Tell anyone I'm here, and you all die.
Plus, they die.
Whoever you tell, they die.
I can do that. I am
very freakin' strong now!
Looks like her.
It is her.
It is and it ain't.
Blanket!
Blanket!
No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no!
Hi, everybody, I'm Sam.
- And I'm Sandy.
- Louder!
We live here at Santa's workshop.
- Louder!
- Where you can join all of us
- for a day of fun...
- You like it that loud?
Helps me understand.
... singing, dancing,
and of course, meet Santa Claus.
Located on the White Base
Mountain Memorial Highway...
Bernie,
do you remember me?
For information, call 518-946-7838.
Cole.
Do you still love us?
Bernie, how'd you get back here?
Cover me up.
Head, too.
More sound.
I gotta fix.
Fix what?
Everything.
You.
Me?
All three of you stupid fuckers.
What does she want?
She says she's gonna fix us.