1
This van is kind
of weirding me out.
This van and the weed
is freaking me out.
I feel like I'm
on another planet.
I don't know,
I like Marty's van.
You know, it's like
a cozy cocaine mansion.
You know I met this
dude like five times?
Marty still does not
remember my name.
Yeah, where'd you find that guy?
He manages the casino where I
won the pai-gow tournament.
Pai-gow.
Hold on.
Pai-gow.
Tracy's coming to
pick us up, so...
Hold on a second.
Did you just invite your
fiance to your bachelor party?
Is that the cool thing to do?
No.
Did we just witness that?
I didn't...
No, I mean...
Well,
all the bars are closed
and our designated driver's like
passed out in the back.
I thought...
I thought it was over.
Is it not over?
Well, let us celebrate
the brief moments
that we have left
with each other?
Here's to the three of us.
Friends for life.
Thanks, guys.
- This was an awesome night.
- I will drink to that.
Hey, you guys...
You guys think I'm, like,
doing the right thing, right?
Like marrying...
Marrying Tracy?
Are you happy?
If you were happy,
would you even ask that question?
Well, it's not necessarily...
I mean, marriage can be scary,
even if you found the right girl.
Yeah, but you're
scared of everything.
You won't even ask out the attractive
girl who works at your office.
We work together.
So did Siegfried and Roy.
And look at them.
One of them got mauled
by a white tiger.
It was a wildebeest.
They don't do a wildebeest show.
Whatever you decide,
that is your decision.
Wait, hold on, hold on.
It's not his decision.
It's our decision.
What?
It is.
That's what you said.
We all have veto power
over each other's girls.
No, I said that
when I was nine.
I was a 9-year-old boy.
We made a pact.
I don't know, I'm sorry,
I shouldn't have brought all this stuff up.
No, dude.
You wanna make a pros and cons list?
Okay.
- I love her.
- That's a pro.
I'm happy.
Okay, we're ahead of the game.
Cons would be she eats slow.
She just chews so slow.
"She chews slow"?
That's the biggest con you have?
I mean, three-hour dinners
for the rest of your life.
And I just sort of have to
change my old self in order
to be my new self. You know?
That's part of the thing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you saying that you can't
be yourself around Tracy?
That's
coming out wrong. No.
I can be myself.
It's not that I can't be myself,
I just sort of need to
kind of have this new self.
You're either being yourself
or you're not being yourself.
I'm myself, okay, guys?
It's just that I have to...
You have to?
I want to evolve
this old self into a new self,
so the old self
goes to sleep
and the new self comes awake.
And sometimes,
the new self is truer
than any of the other
old selves could be.
Do you...
Do you do you
really wanna do this?
Yes. Of course I do,
come on.
I'm just high, man.
I'm just high.
Forget I said any
of this stuff, okay?
I just wanted to
talk things through,
you know, before
I jump off the bridge.
"Jump off the bridge"?
Yeah, jump off the bridge.
It's like a really
famous saying.
Yeah, it does not pertain
to getting married.
I think you have that
mixed up, actually, but...
Hey, Tracy.
Yeah, yeah, I'm coming out.
Coming out.
- Did you just hear that?
- Yeah.
He just equated
getting married to suicide.
No, I think he's having
jitters or something.
That's not the jitters.
She's a good person.
She's mean to waiters.
She had hot coffee burned on
her bare legs by that guy.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey!
There she is!
How much weed did you smoke?
All of it.
You guys excited
about the wedding?
Yeah!
Yeah.
Yeah. Jump off...
Yeah. Jumping off...
Jumping off that bridge.
Jumping off that bridge.
Okay, time to go, man.
It's time to go.
I've been sitting here a long time.
And what are we doing here, man?
I gotta go.
Just let me hang out
and think for a second.
We've been parked
here for an hour.
What would you do
if your best friend
was about to make the
biggest mistake of his life?
What, she's cheating on him?
What's happening?
No, I just don't think
they should get married.
We were all hanging out
and he was talking
about the pros and cons,
and, I mean, it was mostly cons.
I don't know. I think
part of him wants me
to go in there
and stop the wedding.
That's crazy, right?
Yeah, that's crazy.
We were all high in Marty's van
when we were talking about it.
I don't know, man.
Weed is truth.
Weed is truth.
Right? People get high
and they say some real shit.
I wish my friends had told me I was
making a mistake before my ceremony.
You wish your friends
had stopped you?
Every day of my life.
But we got married and then, bing,
bang, boom, we have the children.
Three small anchors tethering
me to a ship that's sinking.
Haunting me every day
from my kitchen.
Great kids.
Jesus.
The middle one is extra fat.
But everybody
makes a mistake?
Sometimes, these mistakes,
they're for eternity.
How many words would
it take to really say
How much you've changed my
life in every single way?
You make the good stuff better
And the bad stuff, too
Yeah, my life is better
'Cause I get to do it with you
Every night when we eat dinner
I get to chew it with you
If we get sick,
I get to flu it with you
And if we're watching Green Card
I get to Depardieu it with you
Yeah, my life is better...
Everything okay?
What?
Yeah. Tux looks great.
Thanks, yeah.
It was my grandfather's.
He was Italian.
He died in it.
Okay.
Remember this vow
I will renew it with you
My life is better
'Cause I get to do it with you
Okay. Now
it's time for the good part.
I believe you're providing the rings?
Yeah.
Got it.
Oops.
I, Nardo, take you, Tracy...
I, Nardo, take you, Tracy...
Stop!
Stop!
Shit!
What?
Stop the wedding! Stop!
Please, stop the...
The wedding.
I can't let you do this.
Jason, don't!
I'm sorry, but I have to.
What is happening?
Stay away from my daughter.
Who, Tracy?
Yuck. Gross.
I'm not here because I love her.
I'm here because I love him.
Me?
I knew it.
No, Jared, it's not a gay thing.
God, what is with him?
His bangs are longer
than his face.
I know that as I said that,
it did come out kind of gay,
but Nardo and I are
more than gay.
We're best friends.
And that goes for... For Evan, too.
Leave me out of this.
Hey, hey, Jason.
Jason, you cannot
do this right now.
Evan and I love you too much to
let you go through with this.
Leave me out of this!
What the hell is going on?
I'm sorry, Tracy,
I wanted to say this earlier.
You know, before
your family got involved
and Jesus was here.
I didn't realize
this is way more awkward
than I thought it was gonna be.
I thought that some
people would agree.
Not that you would carry me out
on your shoulders or anything,
but you guys have really
left me hanging here.
This is really...
This is a toughie.
But... But the point is
that she is not the one for him.
You said it yourself.
No, I did not.
I did not say that! What?
I never said that!
Yes, you did, in Marty's van!
I don't even remember
Marty's van.
I was high in Marty's van.
I was high in Marty's van!
A lot of chronic
was being passed.
Grammy, I'm sorry.
I don't smoke that crap.
It's medical.
I don't smoke crap.
You know what?
If anything,
Nardo was just going over the
pros and cons of you as a person.
You can be a little, you know...
You eat slow.
It's not a big deal.
We were just talking.
It was just guys
kind of gabbing...
It was just guy talk.
Guy talk, guy talk.
Stop, stop, stop, stop!
He's always apologizing.
You need to work on that.
He's always doing something wrong.
Stop it! Stop it!
Okay, this is not what
I think. We're just...
We're gonna go along
with the wedding, okay?
We're gonna do the wedding,
okay?
Nothing can stop us now.
We're...
Tracy!
Tracy!
Well, this is dangerous.
That's why that happened.
Everybody smokes weed.
Tracy!
Don't even speak to me, Evan.
Tracy, wait, don't leave!
You know what?
I knew you guys never liked me.
But I never thought
you were gonna ruin my life.
Tracy, I was just trying to...
You know what?
We got the chapel till 6:00.
Why don't the three of you guys
just go ahead
and marry each other?
Can we do that?
Because that would be hilarious.
I'm kidding. Obviously.
Fuck you.
- You're the worst.
- Tracy...
Champagne?
Yes, thank you.
You want one?
No, I'm good. Thank you.
Thank you.
Here, let me talk to him.
Yeah, 'cause clearly you can
handle things appropriately.
Hey, buddy. Look,
I know you're upset now,
but it's gonna get better.
It's like your
first day of rehab.
It's hard to walk around the
Bellagio sipping Coke Zero...
Would you shut the fuck up?
I wanted to get married,
you asshole!
What about in the van?
I don't even
remember that, okay?
I was fucking high.
Yeah, but maybe
that was the point.
That Marty's sweet-ass van grass
was bringing out the truth,
that you don't
really wanna do this.
So I was going over
the pros and cons,
that's normal.
Everyone has cons, Jason.
I have cons.
You are made of cons!
I've accepted Tracy's cons.
I love Tracy's cons.
And... And now you've... You've...
You've ruined everything!
Hey, dumb fuck,
how come you couldn't have had this
conversation before the wedding?
I did, Evan,
I talked about this last week!
And what did he say?
He said he wanted to marry her.
Okay, so what does
that say to you?
It tells me that he's wrong!
Tracy isn't the one for him!
Yes, she is!
Fucking dick!
What's the point
of anything anymore?
Of all of it?
All of life?
A stake has been
driven through my heart.
Yeah.
You know, I was thinking,
why don't you go after Tracy?
You love her, you know it.
Who cares what Jason thinks?
It's too late, Evan.
Come on.
Nothing's too late.
It is.
She's in Mexico.
She is on our honeymoon
by herself.
Tracy's in Mexico?
And she took both the
plane tickets with her.
I gotta go to work.
But you're...
You're gonna be okay.
Okay. Leave me.
Leave me like everybody else.
You, Tracy, the whole gang.
I get it. I get it.
No one wants to be
around a loser.
I'm dirt.
You're not dirt.
Well, I'm garbage.
I'm something bad.
You're not garbage.
I'm a dirty cum rag, Evan.
You know what that is?
I heard your roommate pranked
your boy Nardo's wedding.
I don't wanna talk about that.
Come on.
Well, you know what?
Your roommates are lame,
so you should just move in with us.
Wait, did he tell you about
the fact that everyone
has their own master bathroom?
With heated floors?
And what's fun is sometimes we trade.
We use each other's bathrooms.
That doesn't sound like so much fun.
It's a rush.
Yep.
It's a rush?
It's something new.
A new bathroom every day.
You find out stuff
about your friends.
Have you ever had
a traditional Viking meal?
I can't say that I have, no.
You've never had a goose
shoved silly with venison
and elderberries and twigs
and all sorts of things
that are natural, man?
Pudding?
You ever had pudding?
Isn't that hard to stuff?
Check out this brochure,
all right?
I don't know. I...
You know, my roommates have been
my best friends
since third grade,
and I know that people don't
understand them that great,
- but I love them.
- All right, shut up.
Here comes our future
shared girlfriend,
so we'll talk about this later.
Act like a man. Act like a man.
I am acting like a man.
- I know, but act more...
- Evan.
Can I borrow you for a sec?
Yes. Yes.
- Of course.
- Nice.
Hi.
Hi. Hey, what's up?
How are you?
Good.
Great, that's good to hear.
Talk to you.
Let's go?
Yes, yeah, sorry.
I'm glad you actually...
This is a workplace,
keep it professional.
Or don't.
I'm glad you
actually grabbed me,
because I wanted to talk to you.
I know we work together, but...
Listen, listen!
MacDonaldson really
likes your stuff.
What?
When did he say that?
In the department meeting.
He wants to see you, now.
I'm not even
close to ready. I...
This is a good thing.
Just watch, do this, do this...
Shake it out. All right, shake it out.
I'll shake it out,
but I'm not gonna do that thing...
Relax.
Your neck is tense.
My neck is tense?
Well, I mean... I'm not...
You put me on the spot.
Get it together.
You're gonna blow it, dude.
What?
Just kidding.
Okay.
I love the work
you've done here.
I think you and I should
present this together tomorrow.
Really? That's great.
I think you're ready to move
to the industrial side.
Tell me,
how would you like to
steam with me tomorrow?
Say, 8:00 a.m.?
Steam?
Steam.
You know what steaming with me means,
I take it?
Yeah, yeah.
It means we'll both be naked.
Well, that is part of it.
What...
What is the other part?
Excuse me. There's a John
McClane here to see you, Evan.
About the Nakatomi deal?
Nakatomi deal?
Who's John McClane?
Um...
It's just this side opportunity
I've been exploring.
Could you tell him
that I'm busy right now
and that I need a few minutes?
I tried.
He said it's urgent.
I'm sorry, sir.
Don't be.
I like the hustle.
Go on, get after it.
Short meeting.
I was paged.
Paged? Paged by who?
No one.
John McClane.
Bad cop with a heart of gold?
Tortured by his past?
You were paged by
the movie Die Hard?
I guess so.
So, what happened
with MacDonaldson?
I don't know.
He asked me to steam with him.
No way!
That's awesome, Evan.
Why?
He always steams with
people he's gonna promote.
He likes to seal the deal with an
old-fashioned handshake at the club.
So, I got the promotion?
As long as you show up there
and shake his hand, yes.
This is huge!
Fucking piece of shit peach tea!
Please, peach tea.
Shit.
Did you know your
Snapples won't open?
No, I didn't hear that.
Hey.
Can you open this?
You have no idea how much
we've heard about this outfit.
What?
I'll give you a hint.
It's your red skirt.
I'll give you another hint.
We like it.
He's just kidding.
Isn't that right, John McClane?
Kidding? What?
Are you saying that
my skirt is a joke?
No, no, no, no.
We would never...
We would never,
mock your skirt.
If anything, I think
you look good to go.
"Good to go"?
Good to go out and about.
Like I would take you now.
- Take... Take me?
- Like...
To a pizza parlor.
I mean, it's a good skirt.
Taut.
And...
Business sexy.
I mean, I think you look
like this is
work and play first,
and then it could be sex, too.
But consensual.
Yeah, I don't have anything
to help you with that.
You look very good.
Are you having a stroke?
I'm gonna go back to my office.
Okay.
That's best. Nice to meet you.
And I'll get you those reports.
I thought that went great.
Jeez!
What is business sexy?
Can we not
talk about it, please?
That skirt is taut.
Jason!
You've been trying to ask
Elizabeth out for a year,
but now you're all,
like, in your head.
So when you try and talk to her,
you end up saying
something weird
and kind of rapey.
You can't come visit me at
work like this unannounced.
That's not what you said in your message.
What message?
You sent it.
Telepathically.
You are not telepathic, Jason.
Yes, I am.
You're just closed off.
What if my boss asks me
about the Nakatomi deal?
What am I supposed to say?
Simple.
You tell him that
a group of German terrorists
seized the Nakatomi building
and now, Nakatomi is looking to
unload the Plaza for a price.
You gotta say it like that.
"For a price."
Look at your own shoulder.
What are you doing here?
Nardo's missing.
He's not answering his phone
and he's not in his room.
We gotta go find him.
I can't leave right now.
Okay.
Then lend me your car, I'll take my
peach tea and go get him myself.
You know you can't
take my company car
'cause I need to be with you
if you're gonna be driving it.
Our best friend is missing and
you're worried about your car?
I got... I have something
to tell you, I just...
I'm moving out.
What?
You ruined Nardo's wedding,
there's jelly beans everywhere,
you're a fucking hurricane, man.
Well, you know what?
There's a lot of negativity
coming from you right now.
I think it's impeding
your general happiness,
so I really, really encourage
you to just smoke some weed.
What?
And it'll be better.
Get rid of it!
Get rid of it?
Get rid of it!
What are you doing?
Don't smoke it... Don't smoke it!
Don't smoke it!
Put it in your pocket!
Put it one of your nine
pockets on those shorts!
Damn it, Jason!
Okay, jeez.
Okay, all right.
I gotta go back to work.
I'd like to take his face.
Off.
Nicolas.
Hey, Jason?
Have you seen my Ambien?
Never mind, I found them.
Really?
He 'pooned him!
Hello?
Hello,
I have a collect call from a Mr. Nardo.
Yeah, I'll accept the charges.
Jason! I'm still
really pissed at you,
but Evan is not
picking up his phone.
I went down to the resort
to get Tracy back,
and, I got carjacked, man!
You got carjacked?
They took my Fiat, Jason!
And I'm lost, and I'm scared
and you gotta come down
and get me, man.
Okay, where are you?
I don't know.
All I know is
I am naked in
the middle of Mexico!
You're naked?
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm fucking sure!
You can see your penis and everything?
Yes!
Why are you naked?
I was wearing
my grandfather's tux,
you know, the Italian one?
They took that, too.
So, you got carjacked,
and then you got tuxedojacked?
I am naked!
Okay? They're gonna get me!
We've all seen the movie Taken.
Okay, relax.
They're not gonna Taken you.
That doesn't happen down there.
You know what they do
do sometimes?
They kill you and then
they hide drugs in your corpse
and they ship your corpse
to your grandmother
and then somebody shows
up and kills your grandma
and takes the drugs.
That actually happens a lot.
Is that...
Are you serious?
Are you fucking serious?
Grammy!
No way!
No, no, no, no! Listen.
Forget I said that.
Forget I said that. God!
I am going to die here, Jason!
I should be married
and on my honeymoon,
but because of you
and your shit,
I am going to fucking get Taken!
Nardo. Nardo,
listen to me.
Everything is gonna be okay.
Say it.
Everything is gonna be okay.
No one is Taken- ing anyone.
No one is Taken- ing anybody.
Shit! What the fuck?
What's that sound?
What's that noise?
My God!
Are there snakes here? Yeah.
There's rattlers,
there's serpents,
there's cobrinhas,
which are tiny little cobras.
Fuck, no! Okay, no,
it's just a sign that
was blowing in the wind.
That was a bad example.
But shit is fucking crazy out here, man.
Look around.
What town are you in?
Town?
Um... Shit, I don't know.
I don't know.
Okay, there's a sign.
It says... It says
"Mexico" on it. Mexico.
You're in Mexico, Mexico?
Mexico, Mexico?
Is that even a fucking place?
Does that exist?
Hold on.
The sign has something
written on it. It says,
"27, San Jacinto."
Okay, 27, San Jacinto.
Stay where you are.
That can't be
that far from L.A.
Hurry, hurry, hurry!
Hurry the fuck up!
I'll see you in
two to three hours.
What?
Tights!
Hey, man!
Hey.
Do you want a piece of cake?
I brought it. It's in the backseat.
It's very good.
What's happening?
Why am I in the car?
Nardo's stranded.
We're going to Mexico.
I'm serious.
What?
I tried to wake you.
I had to carry you.
No, no, no...
I don't know what sleeping
pills you're taking,
but they are heavy duty.
No, no. No, no, no...
I can't... I can't...
I can't have this happen.
I can't go to Mexico right now.
I'm sorry, but I can't
use the company car
without you here to supervise.
That's your rule.
You made that very clear.
So, you just kidnapped me?
I had no choice.
Nardo's naked.
He's naked?
Yeah. Nude.
In Mexico?
What time is it?
Midnight.
Fuck, Jason!
All right, before you
get really worked up,
I've already
thought this through.
Look at the GPS.
We're here, heading
south of Los Angeles.
Now, Nardo is here,
14 miles south of the Mexican border. Okay?
Two and half hours down,
that puts Nardo in the car at 2:30 a.m.
Then three hours
back up to Los Angeles,
that puts us in L.A.
at 5:30 a.m.
Your meeting's at 8:00, right?
Yeah.
Okay? Then we have two and
a half hours of flex time.
You could have at least
brought me something to wear.
I did.
I brought your dry cleaning,
your wallet and your toothbrush.
You're all set for your meeting.
Off you go.
This is not my dry cleaning.
They gave me this by mistake,
I was supposed to bring it back today.
What is it?
It's a woman's pant suit.
Well, sometimes life wants you to put
on a pant suit and drive to Mexico.
If I do this,
I am doing it for Nardo.
We are driving to Mexico and
then we are driving right back.
No extra stops.
No other stops?
No other stops.
None after this one.
Whoa,
whoa, whoa! Wait!
Where are we going?
Remember when I lost my wallet?
I remember when you jumped in a
pool with it in your back pocket.
And I remember when you left
it out in the sun to dry.
I remember all those things.
You go do whatever
you have to do.
I'm just gonna stay in the car.
No, no, no, no.
This guy's kind of hardcore.
I need your help.
I don't know how much help I'm gonna be.
Look at me.
You look great.
I look like a Golden Girl.
The best Golden Girl!
I don't know, I feel
like I have a camel toe.
Remind me why we're here again?
Well, remember
when I lost my wallet?
Well, you can't leave
the country without an ID,
so this guy's gonna make me one.
Shh! Shut up.
People are trying to sleep.
He's 11.
Here. It's all there.
Good.
Now get your ass inside
before you wake up my moms.
Jesus!
That flash is really bright.
Don't smile so much.
It's a license,
not the fucking prom.
Good one, Kenny.
Excellent.
Shit! Keep it down!
That was loud?
Kenny, sweetie?
Shit! It's my fucking mom!
Hide, hide, hide!
Kenny?
Kenny, honey, you okay?
Sorry, Mom.
I had a bad dream.
I was just in here,
reading Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul.
Aw...
Sweetie pie, come here.
Hop on the mommy train.
There you go.
Who's my guy?
I am.
Who's my guy?
I am.
She can't see us.
Wait, wait, wait!
Don't freak out!
Who the fuck are you?
We're friends of Kenny's.
Yeah, he's making me a fake ID.
What are they talking about?
I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know?
You know!
Look at the camera and everything!
I'm Fletcher Simmons!
Yeah! He's like a weird
little businessman!
Wait, is this true?
The truth is,
they gave me this money
to take pictures of my balls.
What?
- That's bullshit, Kenny!
- My God!
That is way out of line!
No, I would not take...
Why would we want pictures
of a boy's balls?
If anything, we would need
pictures of the whole shaft and...
What?
You stay away from him!
No, no. Kenny and I are cool.
Come, here, little boy.
You stay away from him!
We've got perverts!
That's a dick move, Kenny,
and you know it!
Perverts!
Help! Help!
Evan!
Honey, I got him!
Who are you?
I'm Kenny's other mom, fucker.
Jason!
What a terrible family!
Keys, keys, keys, keys!
Okay, hold on.
Come on, Jason,
pick up the phone.
It's him!
Pull over, pull over!
- Hello?
- Jason!
Nardo!
Evan! Yes!
My God, yes!
Hey, Nardo. How's it going, man?
Where are you guys?
We're about halfway,
but we are on our way.
We know your location.
Wait, no, no, no!
I'm not there anymore, okay?
Yeah, I ran into a town
and now my tights are ripped.
Your tights?
Yeah, I actually dig them,
and I'm kind of bummed
that they're ruined.
Where are you now?
What are you looking at?
What do you see around you?
I don't know, it's hard to say.
Everywhere I go,
everything's in fucking
Mexican words.
You mean Spanish?
I mean Mexican.
It's Mexico, man.
I'm not in Spain.
Fucking idiot!
Look around you.
What do you see?
Okay, there's
something that says...
Fucking what?
"Get casheer."
"Get cassair"?
"Get casher"?
"Get cashhere."
"Get cash here," Nardo?
Sorry. It does say,
"Get cash here."
Actually, below, it says,
"U.S. Wire Service," but...
Okay, new plan.
We're gonna wire you $500.
That way, you can go to the
resort and I can go back to L.A.
Do you have your ID on you?
No, Evan,
I don't have an ID.
I have tights.
You're going to
find someone with an ID
and then I will wire them
$50 extra to say
thank you for the favor.
Yes, thank you.
Thank you so much!
Okay, just hold on.
Hola. Hola.
Aloha.
What?
I have a friend who's trying
to send me money in there
and I just need
someone with an ID card
to go in there and sign for it.
I'll give you 50 bucks.
$60!
Well, it's hardly
a time to bargain. Yes.
- Yes, $60.
- Okay.
Okay, great.
You're saving my hide, honestly.
Thank you so much!
Okay, send the money
to Sarah McLachlan.
Like the Sarah McLachlan?
Love Sarah McLachlan!
She's a very famous singer.
You sure you're Sarah McLachlan?
Yeah. Why?
Ask her if she's
the Sarah McLachlan.
It's the Mexican version.
Nardo, I am going to wire you
and Sarah McLachlan money.
Just hang tight, okay, pal?
Evan, thank you!
Okay, so where do we wire
money from at this hour?
You know, Marty works near here.
I bet we could
wire money from there.
Look, they spelled
"sluts" wrong, right?
If the "O" was a "U."
It's a minor change.
Hey, can you handle
this wire transfer?
I gotta make
a work call real quick.
Are you gonna ask out Elizabeth?
I am not messing around
with anyone from work.
Don't pretend like
it's an ethical thing, okay?
You're scared
because you like her
and you can't even talk to her.
Hey!
Hello?
Hey, it's me.
I mean, it's Evan.
It's not "me," it's Evan.
Hey.
I'm sorry to catch you so late.
That's okay.
What's going on?
Well, I wanted to touch base
with you about the steam tomorrow.
You're calling me now
to touch base?
Look, there's an outside shot
that I might be a little late.
I'm taking my mom
to the dentist.
Where are you?
I'm in L.A.
Tell her.
The Sizzler.
I love the Sizzler.
You know what?
Don't worry about it.
Order up!
Don't be an asshole.
Just tell me what's going on.
Sizzling steaks!
You know what?
I have to run.
Look at this menu!
I'm sorry about this, Elizabeth.
I will talk to you tomorrow.
Goodbye.
I want a twice-loaded
baked potato.
Great. Now Elizabeth hates me.
What? I helped. Marty!
But you could also...
My God!
Put this in my office
and do not take a bite.
Are you kidding me?
What is up?
Yeah! All right!
My favorite customer!
That means a lot
coming from you.
'Cause it means you lose.
We're actually not here
to gamble, Marty.
Okay. Right.
I get what you're saying.
You wanna party in Marty's van.
No, no. Yeah, I'll do that.
Let's do that.
Check this out.
Maybe they're sisters,
maybe they're friends.
I hope they're lesbians.
Come on, I wanna show you this.
Come here.
You know, I've actually
been in your van, Marty.
Yeah, you wish!
Who the fuck is this guy?
Only cool guys are
allowed in Marty's van.
Can we just please
make a wire transfer?
All right. Let's go on back.
Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no.
Turquoise Tommy stays out here.
You're good, okay? No.
Get him out of here.
Thank you.
Marty. We know each other, Marty.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey.
Look, Marty has
great instincts, okay?
Now, let me take care of the wire
transfer and you go chill at the bar.
Look, there's an attractive girl.
Go over there and hit on her.
I am not hitting
on a random girl
at a random casino
in the middle of the night.
Evan, earlier you told Elizabeth
she looked good to go.
Do you remember that?
Yeah.
As I was standing there,
cringing. Right?
I know it was bad.
It was really, really bad.
I know. I know.
So your skills have fallen off.
Now, go over there and practice.
She's gonna reject you,
but you'll learn something, all right?
There's no downside.
I could think of, like,
100 downsides, Jason.
Just go over there.
I'll borrow some clothes
from Marty for you, okay?
And then you go
hit on her, come on!
We're in a casino.
Let's have fun.
Yes!
I am Hugo!
I'm Hugo.
Hey.
Is it cool if I sit here?
Are you sure you wanna do that?
Yeah, why wouldn't I?
Well, I mean,
you've heard the stories.
Nice guy has drinks with a
strange girl in a casino,
she gets him up to her room,
one thing leads to another,
he wakes up three days later
missing a kidney.
Yeah, well,
I don't have that much time,
so I think I'll take my chances.
That's a spooky shirt.
Are you a magician?
You know what?
I borrowed this, actually.
But careful,
I will cast a spell on you.
You'll have sex with me
and you won't even know it.
Not against your will.
That's...
That's rape.
I love it.
You're hilarious.
Two vodka gimlets,
compliments of the Amazing Hugo.
You know the Amazing Hugo?
Yeah, well, I come here
a lot on business.
You're cute.
Thank you.
Hi.
Hello.
What... What happened?
Well, you passed out.
Are we...
Are we having sex?
No, I'm sorry.
We're not.
I'm prepping you.
Prepping me?
Ooh.
I need to be prepped.
Wait a minute.
Are you taking my kidney?
Yes, I am.
I'm afraid so.
Why are your clothes off?
Because I didn't
want to get blood on them.
Why can't I move my arms?
Why can't I move my arms?
Because
you're paralyzed. See?
My God!
You're really not even
supposed to be conscious.
What?
Hugo?
Why the fuck is he awake?
Boom!
The Amazing Hugo?
Yeah, you a fan?
Not really a fan.
Ha-ha. Whatever.
What's up with the anesthesia?
I'm not using it.
I'm using tranquilizers
on this one.
You're using
tranquilizers? Why?
Because amethocaine
is expensive.
I wonder why.
Probably because it works.
Hey, he's numb, isn't he?
Don't you... Don't you usually
take kidneys from the back?
Yeah, that's how doctors do it.
We go in the front, though.
Just scoop everything out
until we find the kidney,
just rip that out,
throw it in a cooler and we are
outta here while you bleed out.
This is like a giant,
human-sized game of Operation for us.
Be careful,
don't touch the sides!
Stop it!
Stop messing with him!
What? So?
This is not good for business.
We don't want a stressed kidney.
You think
he's freaked out now?
Wait till we cut him open and
his guts spill out onto the bed,
like a fucking piata
full of garbage.
He's probably gonna
be screaming, too.
And crying.
You're being a real
fucking bitch about this, man.
Can you imagine looking down
and just seeing the insides
of your own body?
I mean, right? Just like...
Everything spilling out.
Guts and viscera.
What's viscera?
Viscera is all the inside stuff
that doesn't even have names.
You're gonna die.
Stop it. Would you
stop messing with him?
What?
You fucking idiot.
Please, please
I love it when they beg.
Like a tiny baby.
Don't, don't, don't.
Don't do this, please, please.
I can give you money.
Look at him.
He has so much raw fear in his eyes.
Yeah.
It's kind of creeping me out.
Fuck! You can't do this!
You can't do this!
What is that?
No, no, no! Problem solved.
Look at that.
Hey, buddy? Hey, guy?
Hey, little fella.
s it a sad day for you?
Look in my eyes. Look in my eyes.
I don't want to.
Hey, sad eyes, look at me.
Look at me! I don't want to!
Look at me!
I'm the last face
you're ever gonna see.
My God!
Okay, buddy.
You hang out here.
We'll be back in a couple minutes.
We gotta keep prepping.
Stay right there.
You're adorable.
No.
Okay.
You say you're
telepathic, Jason?
Now's your chance to prove it.
Evan's in trouble.
Find Evan.
Find Evan.
Find Evan!
You shut your mouth
or I'll cut your wiener off
and shove that in there, okay?
You weirdo.
I love you.
Hey, Evan. Something's wrong with the card.
The wire didn't go through.
Look, if you're
hooking up with that girl,
I think it's both
awesome and bullshit
'cause Nardo's in trouble,
but that girl was hot.
Wait, I gotta call you back.
Hey, Pocahontas.
Shit.
What? Well,
it's nice to see you, too.
No, I'm sorry, it's just that
you're the entire reason
I stopped doing shots
with customers.
Please don't
put that on my tray.
No, you know what?
Leave it, it's already balanced.
You're gonna spill.
Leave me alone.
Don't say that.
Hey, we were two
star-crossed lovers
from different worlds
breaking through generations
of tribal conflict
with our embrace.
So sorry for the gorilla.
Can you go away?
Hi, I'm Jason.
I really do need your help,
though. Honestly.
What?
My friend's missing, okay?
He was in track pants and an
un-ironically bad T-shirt.
Did you see him?
Of course that was your friend.
He was a mess.
Wait, what do you mean?
He was trashed.
His girlfriend was carrying him.
What?
Carrying him?
Couldn't get onto the elevator.
Hugo had to help.
That doesn't make any sense.
Hey, thanks again for this.
Well, this better
not be another ploy
to get me back
into the wave pool.
No, of course not.
That being said,
if something was to arise organically,
I'm not gonna fight it.
It's not going to.
Hugo. Open up.
What?
Where's that guy that
you brought up here?
I don't know what you mean.
What guy? There was a guy.
He was wasted and you loaded
him into the elevator.
Did you hear that?
It sounded like a tiny, tiny scream.
What are you up to?
Nothing.
I've got a new puppy in here.
I got a tiny little puppy that I'm...
That I'm training.
Can you just let us in
or show us the puppy?
Either way,
we'll know you're not lying.
Where's the guy?
This conversation is over!
In fact, I'm gonna hang up this
door like a phone in your face!
Do you hear that?
There it was again.
A tiny, tiny scream.
Like a little woman scream.
Shut up!
Just shut your mouth!
What do we do now?
I have an idea.
Come on.
Okay, well, let's go downstairs
and not come back up at all.
Shh!
Shut your fat face,
you dumb dildo.
Now what do we do?
Now we dance.
What?
- No, no, wait.
- You're not...
You're...
You're not gonna...
Shit!
That was good.
Beautiful flourish.
Shit.
Which...
Which... On your left leg,
you went first?
It doesn't matter.
No!
Sorry. You okay?
Get off.
What?
Evan?
Wow, this is some kinky shit.
Did you pay for this?
What is this,
like a doctor thing?
Are you in a spanking position
or are you doing butt stuff?
Jason! Jason!
What?
Shh!
They drugged me.
They drugged me.
My whole body is numb. Shush.
Who is that?
Who just told me to shush?
Hey, that's Pocahontas.
We used to date...
I mean, not date, but...
Pull his pants up, let's go!
Pull my pants up!
Again. Again.
Am I farting?
Am I farting?
I can't tell.
Shit! Shit!
Jason,
I'm not good with heights!
Okay.
Ready?
Now you're gonna tip him towards me.
Okay, she's gonna tip you
and I'm gonna grab your arm.
When she does that, you throw your
arms out like a baby alligator,
and use your weak muscles.
I'll grab your arms. Ready on three.
One, two, three!
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no!
I got you!
Pull me up.
I've got you!
I've got you! Pull me up!
Pull him up! Come on!
Hold me!
You're not even squeezing!
I'm fucking paralyzed!
This has gotta be
a joint effort!
My God! Shit! Shit!
You have to squeeze,
God damn it!
- Pull me up!
- No, no.
No, no!
He's slipping. Slipping.
Pull him up!
Evan! Evan!
Get his hand!
No, no.
No, no, no, no.
Evan?
Shit!
Jason?
Evan!
What are you doing?
They're gone!
We need to pack our stuff
and get out of here.
You really are
telepathic, Jason!
Yeah, I know that.
Here, you relax.
Shit.
God, no.
In terrible odds,
you did it again,
I wanted you to pick me up
and you read my mind.
Stay right there.
Thank you.
I didn't realize
that you were...
God, you're an idiot!
Shit.
Is everybody okay?
Yeah, I'm good.
No!
What? What is it?
Can you feel this?
Can I feel what?
Um...
Okay.
Is everybody okay up there?
Something happened.
What happened?
Nothing. There was a Cinnabon
with ants on it.
Yeah, those can be gross.
All right, I think he's gone.
I gotta take him to the car.
I'll help.
No, no, no.
You've done enough.
This is our battle to fight.
Goodbye, Pocahontas.
Goodbye.
You know my name isn't really Pocahontas,
right?
Yeah.
So say my name.
Say it.
Shlerin?
What?
Shlerin? It's not?
Nice to meet you, Shlerin.
I think I might've
gone to the bathroom.
Can you just wait
till we get to the car?
I am Hugo!
Who is this guy?
He's the Amazing Hugo.
And he's an expert
marksman and magician.
I'm going to the bathroom again.
Eat shit, dickhead.
What happened to the car?
Is the car okay?
I think we can buff that out.
Wait, do you smell that?
I can't breathe.
Do you smell something?
Get out of the way!
My God, are you okay?
My whole body is numb.
Is there any blood?
Do you see any blood?
Shit.
This car is on fire. Run!
Run, run, run!
Run, run, run!
Evan?
Jason?
Evan, run!
There he is!
Atta boy!
You're doing great!
Don't be self-conscious!
Just waddle towards me!
That's my little penguin!
Keep waddling! Faster!
That's a penguin!
I'm doing it!
That's a penguin!
Jason! Come get me!
Does it seem like it's gonna explode,
like, right now or...
Come get me, Jason!
Okay!
All right, here.
Where's my money?
I'm sorry.
It didn't go through.
Bullshit! I signed my name,
just like you said!
Well, maybe I can
send you a check.
Or do you have a PayPal account?
Fuck you!
Give me your wig!
This is my real hair.
You got money somewhere.
You got money in those tights!
My tights?
I don't have anything in these tights.
I have no money!
Don't play me.
Jesus! I don't have anything.
Please, this is all I have.
There's no money
in here, I swear.
Give me the tights!
No!
What the... No!
What are you doing?
No! No!
See?
There's nothing in there!
Are you happy?
This man is attacking me!
No, I'm not!
I'm not attacking her!
Don't climb the fence!
You don't need to climb the fence!
Out of the way!
Fuck! Hey, don't shoot me!
Don't shoot me! God, don't shoot me!
Please, this was an accident.
Okay? I didn't mean to be here.
No, no, no! Okay, look.
I will pay you back
for all the cocaine I snorted!
And you should know,
good job on you guys.
You have an amazing product!
It's good energy, it's smooth.
It's speedy, but it's not jumpy, okay?
It's what I would call
a sweet-ass high.
I know for a fact
that it's harder
to kill someone if
you know them, okay?
So here's some things
you might not know about me.
My name is Daniel Narducci.
Everyone calls me Nardo.
I'm allergic to penicillin.
I love this little girl called Tracy.
She's a hot little number,
and she fucking dishes it out
anytime she wants.
...and she goes to Dave & Buster's,
we both go,
and play arcade games,
all of them.
Pinball, Time Crisis II with
all the popping up and down,
and all of those shooter...
I'm not shooting you,
it's fake. It's... It's fake.
And she wears vegan shoes,
that's cute.
What?
I can't understand you.
No, no, I'm not
going down there.
Down! Okay, I got it!
It's all back.
Look, here's some more things.
Here's some more things.
I hope to one day be
a licensed reseller
of above-ground
Jacuzzis, right?
They're called Jacuzzis,
I'm called Nardo,
and together they're Narduzzis.
"Come over to Narduzzi's and
we'll wade in the warm water."
Like, "Welcome to Narduzzi's."
Could you just please tell MacDonaldson
I am sorry I missed the steam,
but I will be at the meeting.
I promise.
Did you try to take out a cash
advance on the company card
at an Indian casino
at 3:00 this morning?
How do you know that?
Wait.
This is MacDonaldson.
I'm gonna patch you in.
No, no,
don't patch in MacDonaldson.
Evan?
Hello, sir.
I am so sorry I missed the
steam this morning, but I...
Did you try to take
out a cash advance
on the company card
at 3:00 a.m.?
I didn't want to get into this
with you so quickly, but the...
The truth is I was out all
night with the Nakatomi guys.
You know me,
all about the hustle.
And these Japanese businessmen
like to party.
Just like the stereotype.
I like this one.
Can you make her feet smaller?
Jesus Christ.
Evan, it's one thing
to chase new business
and it's another thing to blow a
presentation with our biggest client.
I know. I'm sorry, sir.
Now, you listen here.
You be here at 2:00.
And, Evan,
this is your last chance.
Yes, sir.
Thank you for that.
Face it, Evan,
you're kind of at a turning point.
Pretty soon,
you're gonna become one of those drones
that goes to lunch and asks
if they have boba tea.
You're gonna drink boba tea.
Okay, despite what
you may think,
I actually love what I do.
You think I'm a failure?
Look in the mirror, pal.
Your life is a joke on every level.
You know what?
Say what you want,
but at least
I care about my friends.
Is that why you
destroyed Nardo's life?
Hey, he shouldn't marry Tracy
and you know it.
You're just afraid to admit it
because you're a fucking coward!
Okay.
I'm a coward?
Yeah, you are.
You know, it's not easy to stop a wedding.
And I had to do it alone.
I could've used
your help, friend.
The only reason you don't
want Nardo to get married is
'cause you don't wanna
lose your friend.
That's not true.
Everybody's moving on without you.
Boo-hoo!
Grow the fuck up!
What, so you're saying
now I have to like Tracy?
No. You have to
love Tracy.
Hey, you boys didn't happen
to blow up a car
and leave the scene
of an accident, did you?
We didn't leave...
Blow up, like explode?
Yeah, we don't know
anything about a Ford Taurus.
Hey, please, please,
don't stuff my corpse with
drugs and send it to my Grammy!
What the fuck?
What? What are we...
What are we doing now?
How you doing? I'm Berk.
Put it there.
I'm tied.
These guys tied me up.
A man come in your house and
can't shake your fucking hand?
Motherfucker, I'm Berk!
They tied me up.
We got a problem.
We got big problemo.
That shit was supposed to be
in South Padre tomorrow.
But instead,
it's caked to somebody's balls.
Not his balls,
not his balls, not my balls.
Your balls.
You can't wear
a man's cocaine around.
I'm about sick of this shit.
Give me your gun.
No.
No?
Yes, motherfucker.
Please don't! Please don't!
Want my vest?
You want it?
What?
You want my vest?
Protect yourself?
Yeah, yeah, please.
Fucking Christ!
Your hair went up in the back.
Your hair said, "Whoo-whoo!"
Okay, look.
Look, Berk. Mr. Berk.
Mr. Berk,
I'm... I'm sorry.
You are not fucking Spanish.
We are fucking Spanish.
You're Spanish?
You have the fucking guts
to question if I'm Spanish?
You just don't...
You don't have a Spanish quality about you.
Uno, dos, tres, motherfucker!
Okay. Sorry.
Normal "sorry."
Sucks they took our phones.
Is my ass bleeding?
Um...
Evan, a lot of things
happened today...
Your bail's been posted.
Really?
Do we get our phones back?
We'll see.
I just wanna say I've
learned a valuable lesson.
Yeah, don't, don't touch me.
You do realize you've put me in a
ridiculous position here, right?
Yes, I'm sorry,
but I appreciate everything you've done.
We have a meeting
in three hours.
Were you really not gonna tell me
you were on your way to Mexico?
I had everything under control.
You're an idiot.
So, what's the plan now, boys?
You guys gonna walk down to Mexico?
She's right.
We should borrow her car.
Not gonna happen!
Wait, we just need to get down there
and then we'll get right back.
Down where exactly?
Tracy's on her honeymoon
right now in Mexico.
Nardo said he was gonna do everything
in his power to get down there.
So all we have to do
is go down to Mexico,
keep our heads on a swivel,
and rescue Nardo.
Yeah, you can take
the Tijuana Trolley.
It makes a stop in Los Angeles.
"Take the trolley."
That's their slogan.
It's on the front.
Well, I never rode it.
No. But it's reliable,
I've heard.
I'm sorry, guys.
You owe me $900 in court fees.
Wait, wait, wait.
There is something
I need you to do, actually.
Do you think you could
run back in there,
and get this stamped and
processed on the second floor?
I'm adding this to your bill.
Let's go.
Where'd you get those?
I took them from her purse.
I had to!
You drive.
I'm sliding across the hood.
Whoo-hoo!
No, no. No, no!
Hey!
My fucking laptop is in there!
My laptop's in there!
I'm sorry! I had to!
Here, here!
Soft landing!
Idiots!
I say we fill
his corpse with drugs
and send it back to his Grammy!
Wait a minute, man.
You're gonna fill
a body up with drugs
and send it to someone's Grammy?
Grammies are good for apple
pies and tucking you in bed.
And... And breast-feeding you
when your mom's not around!
You don't do that to a Grammy!
We don't do that to Grammies!
Let me tell you something.
This motherfucker right here
works for Chucho.
What's he doing?
What the fuck you doing?
Shit!
Shit, shit, shit!
Fuck!
Don't shoot me!
Don't shoot me!
I'm out. I'm out!
Whoo! Yeah! Yes! Yes!
Whoo!
Where am I going?
Fucker!
Hold on.
Why's he coming back?
Tracy, here I come!
Yeah, I made it, motherfuckers!
We're gonna get married, Tracy!
Whoo! Yeah!
I fucking won, baby!
Don't stop loving me!
I won!
Yes!
Fuck you, Berk!
Shit. I'm sorry.
Okay, I need a map.
Okay. Wow. I'm high.
What's this?
Okay, that's the highway!
Okay, okay, okay!
Indicator!
I'm coming for you, Tracy!
I'm coming for you!
This thing fits pretty good,
but I don't know,
feels like there's
a lot going on, doesn't it?
Let me see it, turn around.
Yeah, buddy, that's fire.
That's iguana fire.
My treat.
I'm paying for it.
I already paid for it.
I'll pay you back
when we get home.
That's not a treat.
Okay.
Let's ride.
Let's do this.
Where is Nardo?
He should've been here by now.
I mean,
the least attractive girl here is an eight,
and that's only because
she's wearing a neck brace.
Hey, hey! Head in the game.
We're looking for our friend.
Look, look. Look,
she's looking at me.
She can't move her head.
Now she's looking at me.
No, she's not.
Jason!
Okay.
That's enough lotion, thank you.
Tracy. Tracy.
Evan?
How'd you two get here?
Primarily by smart car.
Have you talked to Nardo?
No!
We broke up because
of you two assholes.
Or did you forget that?
Tracy...
Do you have any idea
what it feels like
to be stood up and humiliated
at your own wedding?
My life is a disaster
because of you two.
What happened was a mistake, and Nardo
feels really bad and he loves you.
My God.
Tracy.
Tracy.
Tracy.
Tracy.
What?
Tracy, wait.
Why are you fighting for me?
You don't even like me.
I like you.
No, you don't.
If you liked me, you never would've
let Jason go through with that.
Fine. You know what?
I should've
stopped him. Okay?
I guess I didn't
because part of me thought
that Jason might've
been right about you.
But things are different now.
I never knew how much Nardo loved you.
But I do now.
Nardo believes in you.
He's on his way here right now, I promise.
Tell him I said goodbye.
Tracy!
Shit.
I'm coming for you, Tracy!
I'm coming for you!
How do I turn this off?
God, that's loud! That's loud!
Why is it so loud?
Shut the fuck up! God!
Fuck! My God!
Hi. I'm checking out
of the honeymoon suite.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Was that your...
Tracy?
Tracy! Tracy!
Tracy!
Mr. MacDonaldson,
you have a call on line one.
Hello?
Sir, hi. It's Evan.
Evan, where are you?
The presentation
has been moved to 5:00,
so that gives us three hours till we
have to get it together to present.
Sir, Elizabeth on two.
Hold on, this is
Elizabeth calling now.
Let me see if I
can patch her in.
Don't do that.
Hello, Elizabeth.
Did this work?
Hello?
Evan?
Hey, Elizabeth.
Evan, I'd very much
like to speak to you
face to face about our
transportation issue.
Right. I very much would like to thank
you for all that you have...
I'm sorry, I'm getting a call.
It's an emergency.
No one is hanging up until I
know exactly what's going on.
I'm sorry, sir.
It's an emergency, I have to go.
I'll see you at 5:00.
- Hello?
- Evan!
Nardo! Where are you?
I'm in a fucking
Mexican jail, man!
What?
I'm in a Mexican jail.
Hello?
Wait. Now, who's this?
Sir?
Who's on the line?
It's fucking Nardo and I'm in a
Mexican jail! Who the fuck is this?
Okay, Nardo, if you could please
hang up and call me back...
Are you kidding me?
They're only giving me one phone call here!
I'm a dead man!
These fucking phones.
Elizabeth, what line are you on?
- I'm here...
- Nardo,
tell me which jail
you are in right now.
Sir, if you could
just please hang up.
Do not fucking...
Do not hang up on me, Evan!
Elizabeth?
Nardo, which jail are you in?
My poncho says
"Rosarito 17" on it.
Okay, great!
Evan!
Okay, we will be there soon!
There's someone's blood
on this phone, Evan!
- Sir, I will see you at 5:00.
- Okay.
No, no, no, no!
Wait a minute!
Evan, you're the man!
Do not hang up on me, Evan!
Hello?
Hello?
Hey, hi.
Who's this?
Well, who are you?
This is Kyle MacDonaldson.
You've got a great speaking voice.
Are you black?
What's that...
What's that like?
Nice meeting you!
Hey, what's up?
You've reached Tracy.
If you'd like to
leave a message,
feel free to do so while I
drink margaritas. What?
Tracy, it's Evan.
I know you're pissed.
It's just...
Nardo is in serious trouble,
and we're at the police station,
Rosarito 17.
We really need your help and
your credit card. Thank you.
Should we save the donkey, too?
I like you.
This is so crazy.
How are we gonna get
Nardo out of here?
I don't know.
Maybe we bribe them?
Mexican cops don't
make a lot of money,
so they'd for sure
go for a bribe.
What is that?
It's a stick,
in case we need it in there.
We are not breaking Nardo
out of a Mexican jail
with fucking sticks.
We'll run game on them.
Let's do the "we got beef."
No, we are not gonna
do the "we got beef."
Why not? It works.
It doesn't even work
on drunk girls on spring break.
It worked at Arizona State.
Everything works
at Arizona State.
That's true.
Can I get a Diet Coke, please?
You probably
don't even have diet!
Animals!
Excuse us, gentlemen.
Do you have a prisoner here
by the name of Nardo?
Daniel Narducci,
maybe you booked him under?
Evan! Jason!
Thank God you're here!
Nardo! Nardo!
Nardo! Nardo!
No, no, no!
Hey, man!
Behind the line.
Yeah, there's a chalk line, Evan.
Evan!
Jason! These two
have been torturing me!
We haven't been torturing you.
Well, he was licking me!
Have you been licking him?
I'm so fucked up
right now. Yeah.
He licked me right here.
And then he licked
me here and here.
Look, here's what
we're gonna do.
You guys are gonna give us Nardo
and we will make it
worth your while.
Yeah. We're gonna bribe you.
My God.
No, we can't do that.
He's part of the deal.
Berk is on his way over...
Wait, did you say "Berk"?
Berk hates me, okay?
He's after me!
I stole a truck
full of his cocaine.
This is all a big
misunderstanding.
Nardo is not a drug runner.
I mean, look at him. He...
He could barely run, little fella.
Look at me.
Look at him, he's a foppish dandy.
He's a fop.
He's innocent, you know.
He's a little baby.
Little Pig in the City.
Yeah, he's a Pig in the City.
Ever seen that movie?
Did you guys get that down here?
Yeah, I'm a little Babe.
"That'll do."
He can talk, the whole thing.
Pig in the Cities.
I think we all do.
Yeah.
I saw Pigs in the City
on Christmas time.
t made my heart
feel warm and...
I love it so much.
You ever see the first one?
There's a first one?
My God, my life is a lies.
You know, I think it's time
for you two guys to leave.
Before you get hurt.
I don't know what you guys
are trying to pull here.
But the United States,
we come down pretty hard.
Iraq I, Iraq II...
This is all your fault, Evan!
What are you doing?
We got beef!
No, we don't have beef.
We don't have beefs!
Not the beef.
Yeah, yeah, come on.
Let's do the "we got beef" thing.
That's not gonna work on two federales.
Yes, it will.
Look, look, look. The gun.
We said we weren't
gonna do this.
You son of a bitch!
You better watch that ass!
You'll see me kick it!
Okay, kangaroo punch
coming, nice and easy.
Ready?
No kangaroo.
Fuck you!
What did you call me?
A pussy mouth?
You are a fucking idiot!
Yeah, I'm mad at you, too!
Okay, time out, guys.
Fuck you!
The only reason that I have
lived with you this long
is because I felt guilty!
- Let it out, Evan.
- I am done...
That's good.
...taking care of your shit!
Are you okay?
Did you not see
that I had the gun?
You did?
We are done.
You and me, we are done!
I'm gonna murder you!
No, you're not!
For real!
I'm gonna murder...
What the hell is going on?
Tracy. Hi.
There you are.
I'm a bit strung out
right now. I'm sorry.
Yeah, Tracy.
In! Out!
Hey! Hi! Yeah!
Tracy. Tracy!
Let me go! Tracy!
Nardo, I just came here
to help you, that's it.
I know, I know. Look.
Tracy, I love you.
Okay?
I'm sorry my friends
ruined our wedding.
I never should've
questioned marrying you.
Look.
I have been through hell
trying to find you.
I mean, look at me.
I practically walked here.
Just, from now on,
nothing keeps us apart, okay?
So, will you just...
Will you just take me back?
And we can just get married
and be happy, please?
I love you, Nardo.
You guys,
I just wanna say that...
I was wrong. You guys,
you do belong together.
You guys should
jail fuck right now
and make a baby that
has dual citizenship.
I don't need your permission.
Get over here.
Hey, I was wrong about them.
Yeah, me, too.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
- What was that sound?
- My truck!
Berk?
God!
They got my ear!
They nicked my ear!
- My God!
- My God!
Gunshots!
There's definitely guns!
I'm bleeding.
It's okay.
You're okay.
I'm gonna invite
myself to the party!
Ring-a-ling-a-ling!
Ring-a-ling-a-ling!
Pick the goddamn phone up!
Say something, Evan,
say something!
I don't know who you are,
but you can take the cocaine!
We don't want it.
No, that's not how it works.
You cross me,
I kill you. Understand?
That's how it works.
I'm gonna kill his ass.
I'm gonna let Grammy watch,
and I love Grammies, believe me.
But in this case,
I'm gonna take my hand,
I'm gonna run my hand
up the crack of Grammy's ass,
you understand?
She's gonna stand next to me
while I squeeze her booty,
and she's gonna go...
Ooh!
'Cause that's what Grammies do.
Say something nice.
Make a friend.
You can have our Smart car!
What the fuck I wanna
do with a Smart car?
I'll put that motherfucker in drive
and drive it up your asshole,
and step out of it and let
it run up your asshole!
And there's gonna be
smoke coming out your ass!
But then you'd
be in my asshole, too!
Shut the fuck up!
I already said it already!
That's my analogy!
I'll shoot that
goddamn Smart car dead!
Well, that's not
gonna work for us!
Nardo comes home with us!
Yeah, he's our friend!
He's your friend?
"He's my friend!"
Well, guess what?
I got friends,
too, motherfucker!
Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.
I am gonna go out there and draw
their fire to distract them,
you guys are gonna
run to Tracy's car.
If anybody should do it, it should be me.
What? Why you?
Because I'm a loser.
I mean, you're about
to get a promotion,
Nardo finally got Tracy,
he's gonna put a little baby
pig up there in that city.
What?
Yeah.
All right, guys.
Let's go get them!
Just like Thelma and Louise!
No, wait, they died!
They drove off the Grand Canyon!
What the fuck?
Shit!
Beanbag.
Ooh.
Shit.
Nardo!
Your whole sac is out!
Yeah, your balls are...
Well, they're tiny underwear.
No, they're gonna
get shot off, man.
We should go.
Come on, honey!
Shit!
Shit!
I'll drive, I'll drive!
Shit!
- Nardo! Get in!
- Get in!
Go, go, go, go!
Shit!
Look at them!
Yeah! Fuck you!
You think you're
gonna make your meeting?
I think it'll be close.
You guys, I wanna apologize for
basically everything I've done.
And, Tracy, I wanna plan a new
wedding, okay? What do you say?
I think it's...
No, no, no.
When we get re-engaged,
it's gonna be without you
two assholes in the car.
Sorry.
Fair enough.
And you, I need you to move out.
Excuse me?
ASAP.
What?
It means "as soon as possible."
I know what ASAP means.
I finally get it.
It's time.
You need some space.
Look, we're best friends.
We will always be best friends.
Nothing is gonna change that.
I do think I am gonna
get my own place, though.
I just like it
when we're all together.
I know.
How am I gonna
get across the border?
I'm just not really good
with small spaces, so...
So, what do you
think you're gonna say?
Jason, you got me here,
that's all you can do. Thanks.
She looks mad.
She looks really mad.
Motherfucker!
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
Did I read that wrong?
Yes.
Sorry.
I'm sorry about everything.
Okay, we'll talk about it later.
We have a meeting to get to.
Screw the meeting.
I'm probably gonna get fired.
And I didn't come here for that.
I came here for you.
I never asked you out
because we work together,
but I think part of me was scared
and I'm done being scared.
Wow, really?
Read it wrong again.
Should've known.
We have a meeting. Come on.
I don't know what got into you,
but the client loved
your presentation.
I'm giving you a promotion.
Congratulations.
Thank you, sir.
Yeah, boy!
You're gonna crush it!
First you get the promotion,
then you move in with us!
Whoo! Spaghetti Tuesdays!
You're gonna move
in with us, right?
Get the fuck out of here.
Okay.
I gotta hand it you,
Nardo, you were right.
You do know how to pick them.
So do you, you old dog.
Think she'll let
you kiss her tonight?
Come on.
But yeah,
hopefully she'll let me kiss her tonight.
You ever think you'll be able
to learn how to love Tracy?
No, Evan. I think I'll be
able to learn how to love...
Wait, what did you say?
I said, learn how to love Tracy.
Yeah, I will.
I know I'll learn how to love her, yeah.
Okay, guys.
Hi.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
You're family now.
Yeah. Don't forget it.
I love you.
Hey, I just remembered
where I know this guy from.
Great, Marty.
We'll talk about it later.
No, we got high
with him in my van.
He doesn't wanna
marry this chick.
Okay. Marty, that's okay.
Just sit down.
No, Marty, we already
took care of this.
You can't let this... No.
Marty, sit down.
We're not taking those rings.
Marty, Marty...
You shouldn't do this.
You're off base here, pal.
No. Hey, you don't wanna do this, dude!
Okay.
Hey, remember the weed?
Marty! Marty.
I was just talking it through.
That's all I was doing!
Sorry, Grammy.
You need weed right now...
Absolutely, you need weed!
Today is the day you say forever
From now on, you stand together
Two hearts united
in wedded bliss
As you say your vows,
remember this
He's got the last penis
you're ever gonna see
The last penis
you'll feel inside your mouth
Hope he touches your clit,
not just your heart
'Cause he's the only one who
will till death do you part
She's the last woman
you'll ever be inside of
The last mouth you'll have
wrapped around your dick
She'll find you less
attractive as the years go by
But that's the only vagina that will
ever make you come until you die
So, congrats to the man and wife
For only fucking each other
for the rest of your life
I gotta hand it
to you, Nardo, you did it.
Yeah.
Well, I mean,
this is the dream right here.
You know, hanging out
with my two best friends
in a good
old-fashioned Narduzzi.
I couldn't have done
it without you guys.
Cheers to that, man.
Cheers.
It'd be cool if there
were girls in the tub.
It is what it is.
- Daniel!
- Grammy?
What are you doing here?
A man sent me here
to watch something.
- Watch something?
- What?
What is that?
Go, go, go!
What happened?
Nothing. You passed out.
Are we having sex?
No.
I'm prepping you.
What?
We could have sex, though.
I mean, if you want to.
Got time.
Okay. Yeah, okay.
Yeah? You should know
you are completely paralyzed.
My God.
So that means your dick
is not gonna work.
My dick works great, though.
Okay.
You know what?
I always wanted to find out
what this did.
What?
JK, man, JK. I'm not.
What's "JK" stand for?
"Just kidding."
I text a lot.
I thought it stood for, like,
"jolly cock" or something.
No.
I don't know.
"Jolly cock,"
though, would be pretty...
Sex talk.
Hey.
Hey, you wanna play...
You wanna play Silence of the Lambs?
We did that and never got to it.
Sorry.
It's okay, it's okay.
Cut!
"Jolly cock."
Cut.