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Sebastian Maniscalco: Why Would You Do That? (2016)
[man] Cefal, Sicily, 1959.
What a simpler time. Families, rolling hills, farms. Look at my grandfather. Do you know how confident you have to be to wear a short sleeve dress shirt with a tie to go pick tomatoes? My father would go on to be a hair stylist, and my uncle Luigi could get a deal on anything. My family didn't agree on much, but the one thing they would agree on, no one, and I mean no one would ever thought I would end up here. [electronic music playing] [male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Sebastian Maniscalco. [audience cheers] Wow. Nice. Well... Feels good. Saturday night, right? It's exciting. It's a big night. It's a big night. Now, before you came here, you had to decide how you're gonna get here. And you might be getting ready and ask your wife, "Babe, you want me to drive?" [audience laughs] If you're Italian, you probably try and get like, "Well, do you think we're gonna get, like, a stretch or something like that? Do we get a cab? What do we do? Maybe Uber? A lot of people like Uber." UberX, what is that? What is it? It's like hitchhiking with your phone. [audience laughs] God knows what's gonna pull up tonight to pick you up. Some guy in a Ford Festiva? Groceries in the back? Baby seat next to you? With a baby? Loose popcorn on the floor? "What's going on back here, guy? Are you on an errand? What is this?" Uber Black. That's another one, people. That's a better... You might get a sedan, an SUV. Do you ever get into that guy's car? He's so proud of his candy. As soon as you get in, "I've got candy if you want. I got it in the seat. I got gum, Jolly Rancher, I got iPhone 3, 4, 5, 6 charge. I got iPhone 9. It's not out, but I have if you need it." What? These are weird experiences. You get in an Uber, they're rating you. You're rating them. Everybody's on some weird, fake behavior. As soon as you get in, you have to ask, you feel like, okay, I gotta... "How long have you been doing Uber?" And they never just do Uber. They always got some side business. You ask them how long. "I know, come on, hee hee. I do this 12 hours a week, but my real business, I got a discotheque in Istanbul." What... the hell are you talking about? And Uber is expanding into a lot of different areas. You don't have this yet here in New York City, but in Los Angeles, they have a thing called Uber Kitten. Where they'll bring a cat to your house for one hour. Why would you do that? I've never been sitting around my home and asked my wife, "Babe, call Uber. Let's get a cat over here for one hour. I need to pet something." [laughing continues] It's weird. We trust our phones too much. Could you imagine 20 years ago, a foreign guy pulling up in a sedan telling you, "Get in." You'd be like, "Get the fuck out of here." Not today. You're like, "Are you Gegak? The photo doesn't really look like you, but I think this is the vehicle." Strange. There's a lot of interesting websites out there. Airbnb. Here's another one. You can rent out a room in your house. Is it worth the extra $100 to have some psychotic family show up with their luggage? [imitates British accent] "Hello." I couldn't do this. I couldn't rent out a room in my home. If I did, after they left, I'd have to burn the room that they were in. I'd torch the mattress. I don't know what's falling out of peoples ears into the Tempur-Pedic. Torch the... Torch the bed. I don't even stay with my family let alone strangers. I get it all the time. Every time I go to a city, I know people there. And they're like, "Just stay with us. We have plenty of room." I ain't staying with you. You ever stay with people? It's weird. They put you in some weird room nobody uses. Single bed, Star Wars sheets, Darth Vader, C-3PO. Can't even get comfortable. You ever get into somebody's bed? It's weird. You get in. You can't... Look to the left, there's a booger wall. Somebody started a booger wall? Try and get comfortable. You can't. The owners always come in and knock on the door, and they're gonna tell you what's wrong with the house. You always get that little knock. "Are you sleeping yet?" "No, I'm gonna stand, why? What's going on? You got a booger wall here to your left. You haven't-- you haven't seen that yet? Nothing?" They tell you just before you go to bed, just so you know, "The toilet in the hallway, do not flush that. If you do, we're gonna have to evacuate the home." What? "When you shower cold is hot, hot is cold. We've been trying to fix that for years. When you're done showering, we ask if you could please squeegee--" Squeegee? What? I mean wh-- I gotta get in and clean? Now naked. I gotta search for some weird wand that lives in your shower for 23 years? Take the wand and start wiping off shower pellets as my balls touch the tile? [man whistling] What, do I work here? I'm not cleaning the shower. I don't know, I stay at a hotel. I don't even trust the hotel. As soon as I check in, I put a "do not disturb" on the hook. It sits there for the amount of time I'm in the room. Yeah, you think I'm dumb? You think I'm dumb? You think I'm gonna have the maid come in and steal everything that I got? Wash out my glasses with some dirty panties? Fuck that. Nobody comes into my room. I throw everything in the hallway. Take the dirty towels, right in the hallway. That coffee machine that's in the bathroom? I throw that out. Who the hell is making coffee next to the toilet? Throw it out! And I'll rearrange an entire hotel room. I don't like a lot of clutter. As soon as I check in, I look to see what's going on in the room. If it's too-- too many things, I start rearranging. I'll take a chair. I'll throw it in the elevator and I'll send it to the lobby. People get in the elevator, and they think it's part of the hotel. They're like, "Wow, this is fabulous! They have furniture in here? My feet are just killing me." My wife thinks I'm nuts. My wife didn't grow up with this mentality. I get this all from my dad, all right? My wife didn't grow up like me. My wife's family, entirely different than my family. My family, we talk a lot. Everything's out in the open on my side of the family. In my family, if you got a problem, somebody gonna tell you you got a problem. You stink? Somebody goes, "What the fuck? You stink." Yeah, he stinks. I don't know. We are so honest. Nobody gets their feelings hurt in my family. Nobody's got feelings. We talk about each other in our family. I call my mother, and we talk about the entire family. We talk about my sister. "Hey, you talk to Jessica?" "Yeah, don't call her. It's all-- They're having a tough go of it." Not my wife's family. They don't say nothing on that side. Nobody knows. I listen. I listen. My wife Skypes with her mother. And, you know, I can hear them talking. "What's going on over there?" "Oh, nothing. Everything's good here. What's going on over there?" And I pass by. [mumbles] After she get off, I tell her-- I ask my wife, "What did your mom say?" "Oh, everything's good." It ain't good. Dig, dig for the story. Get down deep. Figure it out. There's shit happening. I talk to my mother, I get it all from her. As soon as I hang up, I can't wait to tell my wife what I found out. As soon as I hang up the phone I go, "Babe, pour yourself a glass of wine. Meet me outside. You're not gonna believe what's going on with my cousins. [whistles] I got juice. I got juice." My family talks about everything. Nothing is off the table. Talk about money constantly. To this day, my father and I, that's all we did was talk about money, when we were small, to this day. My father knows what I make. I know what he's got buried in the yard. Italians. Any Italians here tonight? [audience cheers] Of course. Italians, we're always trying to figure out what stuff costs. Some of you were probably looking up here tonight going, "What do you think he's making for this shit? How many seats you think is in the place?" Any event Italians go, they try and figure it out. They go to a wedding, the whole ride home, "How much you think they paid for the...?" We itemize everything we saw at the wedding. Well, they wrapped the chairs. That's $38 a chair. They had a sweet table. Ice sculptures. So honest. My family is so honest. My wife's family, again, they don't say nothin'. And I really found out how different my wife and I were when we went to go visit her father at the cemetery. Now, my wife's father passed away 15 years ago. I never got a chance to meet the man. So we go to the cemetery. Now, prior to his death, he bought a plot for himself, a plot for his wife. Well, the wife has since remarried. Okay. So we go to the cemetery, and I'm holding my wife's hand. It's a very emotional day for us. Well, for me. Listen, I gotta be honest with you, I'm the emotional one in the relationship. I cry, no problem. Undercover Boss, forget it. I'm balling at the end of that show. Oh, my God. So we go to the cemetery. I'm holding my wife's hand. We approach the two graves. Now I'm sitting there, my heart is bleeding for my wife. She got no father. But the other side of my brain kicks in. I said, "Is your mother still gonna get... buried here with the original or... Or is she gonna get buried with the new husband? What's going on? 'Cause this is paid for. It's paid for and, uh, who's going in the hole? We gotta figure this out. I'll hop in here. In the meantime, we gotta use this, maybe for storage. We'll put the Christmas tree here. A rake, skis. We gotta use this." My wife's brain don't work this way. She said, "Why would you even think of that?" I go, "That's why you got me. I think of this." We're calling your mother tonight, and we're figuring out who goes where in this plot. But they don't share like my family shares. My family comes over, it's a critique of everything. My father comes to critique everything in the house. He asks me what I paid for stuff constantly. He'll walk around the house and just, "How much, how much you pay for that?" "What they take you for? Tell me." So now I gotta give him parent price. You can't tell your parents the full price. They'll have a heart attack. You gotta knock 90% off. But my father can't even take the parent price. I go, "I don't know, Dad. I think it was $400--" "$400?! I could make this." What you can make a 65" Samsung TV set? What the hell are you talking...? Different families. My wife's family, God, I spent six days with them a couple months ago. Now, when I go to her side of the family, I got no blood relation there. I got nobody to confide in. I can't tap anybody and go, "Did you see that?" Now, my wife's got a nephew on that side that, well, these types of kids, he's all over the restaurant. He'll go to a restaurant, he don't sit still, boom, he's gone. Now, I'm the type, I can handle a conversation, but in the back of my head, I'm like, "Is somebody gonna handle this?" So I lose him for about a minute and a half. I become concerned because I don't know where the hell he's at. He comes from behind me, and he chops me right in the neck. I look right at the parents. Nothing. They're just, "Oh, well, he's just a kid, you know?" Do you know what would happen to me if I ever slapped an adult at a restaurant? Right? [audience cheers] My father would come from behind me, put a black bag over my head... and take me to an undisclosed location. Gone. I would return one hour later, a brand-new kid. There'd be a lot of bowing. "I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. My father just informed me that I'm gonna be working for you free of charge... for the next 12 years of my life. I apologize deeply." But the reason I fell in love with my wife is because she is so different. She brings out a lot of things in me that no one ever has. She loves to go out. Loves people. Loves to go... Here, she came home a couple of months ago. She's like, "Met a great couple, they invited us to their home for a dinner party." In my head, I'm like, "This sounds terrible. I don't want..." I have an allergic reaction to people I don't like. Right away, I feel it. I itch. But not everything's an argument. So I told my wife, "Eh, yeah... When is it? Saturday night, my night off? Yeah, I'd love to go. All strangers? Everybody's gonna be a stranger?" So we get in the car. We start to drive. The whole ride there she's promoting the couple. It's her couple. She's gotta talk them up. She's like, "You're gonna love these two. She's an interior designer. She is so creative. You're gonna love the guy too. He's a stay-at-home dad. I didn't grow up with the stay-at-home dad community. I didn't-- You don't really find that in the Italian culture. You rarely hear a woman go, "No, Gino's at home with the kid. No, he doesn't work. He just watches Peppa Pig with the kid." That wasn't my father, I'll tell you that. He wasn't testing milk on his arm. "Yeah, no, you can give him the bottle. I think it's good." Dad was working 18 hours a day. I think I formally met my dad when I was 18 years old. He had a little break. He's like, "Hey, how you doing? I'm your father. I'm your father. Everything going okay? Puberty? Everything growing?" So we pull up to the house. We get out of the car. Now, we don't go right in 'cause my wife's gotta coach me before we go into any social event. She's gotta fix me, she's always fixing me. My wife's just, "Here, just..." [grunting] "Fix me up." She's gotta tell me what to do. She's like, "Just smile when you're in there, just smile at people." My wife don't think I smile around strangers. She thinks I got a mean resting face. Like, if I'm not talking or smiling, it looks like I could murder your entire family. So I tell my wife, "Don't worry about it. It's just new people. We're gonna have fun." So come up to the door. I ring the bell. They came to the door as a couple. That bothered me. [mouthing words] Just send one representative to the door. Both of you don't have to come holding hands. Now you walk in. It's a house I've never been in before. As soon as I walk in, I look at everything around me. I'm walking into a new environment, I take a 360, and I take it in. I look for escape routes. My wife don't look at nothin'. My wife's in the clouds. She's just walking. Could be a burning building. She would, "Whoa, wow, it's hot. Think I'll try over here." So I see the guy right away. He's got a T-shirt, #Dad. Then he tells me, "Can you take your shoes off, please? This is a shoe-free environment." I said, "What the fuck did you just tell me to do?" Shoes don't come off. My shoes come on once a night. That's it. I know some of you aren't even feeling this right now 'cause you do this to people. Don't do this. Do not do this to grown people. All right? You're sitting there going, "Wh-wh-what's wrong with that? We have people take their shoes off all the ti-- We have white carpet." Why you got white carpet? Why? And my wife knows how I feel about the shoe thing. She taps me. She's like, "Just take them off. Take them off. These are nice people." So now I gotta remove my shoes in front of two people I just met. Try and hold a conversation. It's strange, you know? "So how long have you lived here?" So I dropped my shoes in the shoe farm. Now I'm walking around a stranger's house in my socks. Meeting other grown men in their socks. "Hey, how--?" There's four guys in a sock circle. One guy came up, he was barefoot. I almost threw up in my mouth. The guy was barefoot. He wanted to talk serious topics. He's like, "What do you think of ISIS?" I said, "What do you think about putting some socks?" Ah! [whistling] "ISIS is the least of your concerns." The bunion on this guy was so large, his big toe was headed for the kitchen. You're showcasing this tonight? What happened to you? But my wife's voice is in the back of my head. Be friendly. Be open. Smile. So it's a group of guys. They all know each other. They don't know me. They all went to college together. They're in their mid-40s. I'm just summing everything up as I'm listening, huh? Okay, here's this. This is this. I got this. But they're reminiscing about the college years because they're unhappy in their life right now. We all know these people in their mid-40s. They gotta go back about 25 years to figure out, "Hey." And they always refer to each other by their last name. "Hey, Schmitty, remember? Remember college? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beer bong? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pissing in the yard?" Yeah, that's the type of guys that do fantasy football. That's all they do. "Hey, how's your receivers?" "Oh, my receivers are really good this year." So I break out of that. I start making my way to the kitchen. Now I start noticing baby gates all over the house. Take the baby gates down when you got people over. It's weird. Now I'm walking around the house... So I go right to the kitchen 'cause I'm hungry. There's no food. They got nothing to pick on. I become very concerned. You have to understand something about the way I grew up. I grew up in a house, there was food everywhere. Every two feet, you just bump in... So good. I had a grandmother who lived in the basement just cranking out lasagnas. It was like a lasagna factory in the basement. Food just kept coming up the stairs for no reason. There was meat hanging from the ceiling. There was a sauce room with a bunch of dates on masking tape. It's all this woman did was cook. My grandmother never had a job. She just cooked in the basement with a salmon-colored nightgown with her tits hanging out the side. Didn't even use a spoon. Just her hand. Nylons up to the knee. Her fat foot shoved in a shoe. Little white shoe with a strap with the fat trying to escape any part of the shoe. My grandmother had so much sodium in her diet, she was constantly swollen. There was no allergies back then. You just ate the bread and just dealt with the rash. Grandma didn't speak nothin'. No English. Nothin'. She'd always come, you know, try to find me in the house. [imitates Italian] "I feed you meal. Come here. I got spare. I give it. Here take it. Take it. It for you." It's a dime. We called her Grandma. That was her name. Grandma. No stupid nickname for my grandmother. Ever hear how people refer to their grandparents? "Oh, this is my memaw and my peepaw." What? "This is my pee pee and my poo poo." Huh? The guy's 95 years old. He fought in World War II. Stormed the beach at Normandy. Now his name is Pee Pee? What are you doing to the man? Have some respect. My grandfather was my hero. My grandfather could do anything. This guy had seven, eight different jobs. He could make you a pair of shoes overnight. What man could do that today, with the, "Hey, hey, how's your receivers?" My grandfather just lived in the yard like a man. Just... no shirt. No shirt on my grandfather. Just hair everywhere. Coming off his shoulders like a palm tree. Right out of his nipples like weeping willows. Just 12 inches of immigrant hair coming right out of his tits. He would sweat like a pig, my grandfather. He would do eight hours of yard work. He would come back in. Within his chest hair were grass clippings, ants, twigs, dirt between the fat roll. He'd go right for the watermelon. My grandfather, that's all he did was eat watermelon. And the way he prepared it was a lot different than my American friends. When we went over to our American friend's house for watermelon, it was unbelievable, the presentation they did. The mother actually balled out the watermelon. She had a baller. Seedless watermelon. She took her time to make balls in a little Tupperware thing. And the kids would come in. She would put out the Tupperware with the balls with toothpicks. So you'd come in, you would get your toothpick, you would stab your ball. "Oh, Mrs. Johnson, this is really sweet watermelon. Where did you get that?" Not my grandfather. He came to the table with a large watermelon with a serrated machete hanging off his hip. Start cutting large triangles for the family. [imitates thudding] Heh, here ya are! [audience cheers] He would distribute triangles that no one could handle on paper plates. God knows why the hell they used paper plates for watermelon. Ever watch your family eat watermelon? It's disgusting. Seeds are flying all over the table. You get hit in the head with a stray seed. So we're at this party. I gotta go find my wife. Now my wife, I find her in a compliment circle with six other women. They're comparing notes. They're complimenting each other on the outfits. "Oh, are those gel nails?" "Yeah, they're gel nails. It's the bronzer. All the bronzer..." So I tell my wife, I go, "Get over here. Come here." I go, "We gotta get outta here. There's no food." She like, "What are you talking about?" There's six chicken wings and 33 people. Can I have a wing? I don't wanna have to do math at a party. I threw a barbecue last week. 12 burgers. 12 people. 12 slices of tomato. What if I want another slice? I don't want to have to count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Can I have two, or am I stealing from somebody else? Well, my wife's Jewish. A different, uh... different culture. When you marry into a Jewish family, I'm telling you, anything, if you have any differences in culture, religion, it's an adjustment. For example, when we got married, we had a rabbi and a priest. Total scam. Total scam. We met them at a restaurant. They were gonna tell us how the ceremony was gonna work. And the Jewish rabbi was there very early. Had a lot of paperwork for us to sign. Of course, my father, "Don't sign nothing! You sign that, then you're Jewish." We had an Italian priest. He came 45 minutes late. Didn't even look like a priest. No collar. Nothing. Everything unbuttoned. Smelled phenomenal. Hitting on my wife. "Everything all right?" Now we get married. My wife likes different things. She likes shopping different places. She loves Whole Foods. That's her store. She sends me there every once in a while. Can't stand going in. She goes, "Babe, can you go to Whole--" "I-- I-- I don't wanna go there." The people over there bother me. You ever go to Whole Foods? Everybody at Whole Foods looks like they make their own clothes. Right? There's hemp clothing, comes in two colors, oatmeal and throw up. Everybody's eating seeds. They get serious when they ask a question. They gotta hold their heart. They come up to the meat counter, "Is it organic? Is it farm to table? Do the chickens have friends and do they play well with one another?" Gets weird. In the middle of the store, it changes. It goes from fruits and vegetables to soaps and potions. Nobody knows what they're doing in this section. You just kind of end up in there. "Oh, wow. I don't recognize anything in here. I gotta get out of here." There's always a person walking around with a little vial, trying to find, "What does this do? What is this?" And some hippie that works there falls out of the shelving unit. "Well, that's argan oil. That's argan oil. It has multiple uses. You could drizzle a bit on your salads. It helps with digestion. Also, put some underneath your nose. It opens up your nasal way. And lastly, if you have a rash on your asshole, just pepper some in. Just... Absolutely. Preferably in the morning. It clears up by the afternoon. It's $8,000 for the vial. Just check out, if you like." The store is weird. The problem is everybody over there thinks they're saving the planet. It's the big green movement at Whole Foods. And if you're doing the green thing, God bless you. I've tried. It's just not for me. It's... I've got friends that brag about how green they are. You go to their house, they're like, "Look at the-- Look at the light bulbs in my-- in my kitchen. I'm saving, uh, 53% on my electricity bill 'cause I got green light bulbs." I go, "Yeah? I can't see you. You are dim. You're dim." Now, at Whole Foods, they make you feel bad. God forbid you get a bag. I ask for a bag. The guys says, "Are you gonna take a...? Take a bag and destroy our planet?" I go, "I don't know. I got 93 items. What do you want me to do? Just--" It's weird over there. They got a masseuse. There's a masseuse propped up in the store just... rubbing some guy's scapula. What? He don't even know where to look. He's trying to figure out, "How the hell did I end up at Whole Foods, massaging people near the lavender chips?" What...? I've never told my wife, "Babe, I gotta go get some grapes. And I got a knot in my neck so bad. I hope he's in aisle eight." So different, my wife and I. My wife loves Halloween. That's her, uh... that's her deal. She loves giving out candy to the kids. Now, my house, before I met my wife, dark on Halloween. Shut the shit down. But, you know, you're married now. You gotta, "Oh, yeah, let's do it." We get the bowl. We get ready for our trick-or-treaters. I was into it at first. I was into it. I go, "Okay, I'm gonna do this." So the kids start coming up to the door. No outfits. Nothing. No "trick-or-treat." You put one in. "That's it? That's it?" "Yeah, that's it!" I look on the sidewalk, the parents are there. Both parents. The mother and the father. The father's got a wagon, drunk. All right, a keg in the thing. Telling his kid, "Get in. Get in. We're going to the next house." Halloween brings out the neighbors, though. Man, my neighbors come out. I'm not neighborly. That's not me. I don't, you know... I'm friendly, but I'm not neighborly. I don't come out of my house and wave if I see the guy across the street. You know, you see a lot of people, "Hey! Hi, Frank! How's it going? The lawn looks good. Looks good." That ain't me. I come out of my house, head down, hop in the car. Gone. Gone! This woman across the street, God... always in our business. I can't stand her. Can't stand her. She was coming over. I saw her through the window. I said, "Look at this. Here she comes. Here she comes." She comes over, she's like, "I noticed you're not part of the teal pumpkin program." I said, "What's that?" "Well, you paint a pumpkin teal green and that signifies that your home hands out non-food items. So we are handing out spider rings, necklaces, notepads." I said, "Get the fuck off my porch. Go home. Go." This is Halloween, I got Kit Kats and Snicker bars. The city is handing out notepads? Could you imagine a poor kid comes home with a notepad. All of his buddies are eating Reese's Pieces. He's in the corner taking note. Even the way we do vacations is different. My wife loves activities on vacation. I don't like that. I like to go-- My idea of vacation, you eat, you drink, you lay down. Yeah, that's it. [whistles] I don't do tours. You sign up for a tour with the 16 strangers. You see it around New York City. The Chinese with the flags and... "Follow the yellow flag if you get lost." They all got their earmuffs on. They're listening to some recorded message. "The Empire State Building was built..." I don't do that. I don't do it. So we planned the vacation. We went to Turkey. It was two years ago. I recommend it. Not now. Even two years ago, it was volatile. We're watching the news, a bomb went off next to the hotel that we were gonna stay at. So we became concerned. I called. I called Turkey. I called the hotel. I go, "Hi, uh, we're a little concerned here. Just saw that a bomb went off next to the hotel." And the guy's like, "No, it... Come on, it's to the side." What? "No, it... they don't come here. We are eating tabbouleh, and we are dancing in the streets." I go, "People are on fire in front of your hotel. Is it safe? Is it safe?" So like idiots, we go. "Oh, it'll be good. It'll be good." So my wife signs us up for a Turkish bath. I said, "Okay, that sounds... How bad could a bath be?" I said, "I'll go to that." So we get there. She goes to her side. I go to my side. I'm greeted by a, uh, Turkish boy. He's 14 years old. He doesn't speak English well, you know? He comes up to me, he's like, "Hello, my name is Hassan. You-- you want to come?" I go, "What? I got the bath. Where's the bath?" So he takes me to, like, a dressing room. He gives me a towel. It's not even a towel. It's like a dish rag. I like towels. I like big towels. A lot of excess so I could tuck it. It's like a dish rag. I gotta hold it together. So now I gotta come into the waiting room. I know my left nut's hanging out for sure. I see my boy. He's got a towel on. Now I'm like, "Why are your nuts out and mine? What is happening here?" I'm trying to figure out, did my wife check the wrong box? What's...? Where's the tub? Now he takes me, he goes, "I'm going to wash." I go, "Me? I..." He goes, "Yes, I wash." I go, "I thought this was, like, a tub where you..." And he takes me into a room. It's a communal room with men everywhere, naked with suds, and little boys just scrubbing with mitts. I go, "God, is this on my plan?" What? He takes me to the side, he sits me on a tuffet. He's looking right at me, and he's got a little pail of water. And he starts chucking it at my face, just-- I felt like I was getting waterboarded. I was ready to tell this kid my deepest secrets. Just, "Don't, don't, don't." Then he takes me to a room. Small. I go, "Oh, God, what's this all about?" It's a massage table. He lays me down. Puts my head in the donut. Starts working my shoulders. Now, I'm sitting there, I'm looking at his feet. And after two minutes, the feet disappear. I'm like, "What the...?" The guy hopped up on the bed. His testicles were on my neck. Now he takes me back to the locker room. Everybody in there, every man in there is ashamed. Everybody's just dressing themselves. Nobody's making eye contact. So I come out. I see my wife. She's beautiful. God, she's glowing. Smile. She's like, "God, that was so amazing. It's one of the best experiences of my life. How was yours?" I go, "I was just raped by a 14-year-old monkey. I wanna go home. I wanna go home." But I love this. I love doing this. It's taken me a lot of different places. I performed in Italy recently. -It was a-- It was a-- -[audience cheers] Yeah, beautiful. And I took my wife, and we went, it was in Tuscany. Now, we check in to our hotel room. We go to the pool, start looking around the pool. See a beautiful couple come down. Beautiful couple just on their honeymoon. You could tell they had recently married. Stunning. The woman was well put together. Had a nice sun hat on. Big brim, nice wedge. Ladies, get yourself a nice wedge for the pool deck. Had a nice see through sash. Beautiful. Just blew in the wind. Guy had a nice swim trunk on. Right here. Mid-thigh. Guys, get yourself a nice trunk for the season. You seen some of these men, they wear this, uh, swim suit down to the-- What are you wearing? Slacks? They get out of the pool, half of the pool's caught in their legs. So they get into the pool. They start to swim as a couple. I've never seen anything like it. She's doing the breaststroke. Just... The guy's doing the butterfly. You know how confident you have to be to pull off the butterfly? I've never seen the butterfly outside the Olympics. This guy is doing a recreational butterfly on his honeymoon. You know how violent that is? The entire pool looks like a Jacuzzi. Kids are drowned. Then I'm looking at these kids. I don't even know what they're wearing, these kids. They're covered from head to toe, eight-year-old kid. He's got long sleeves on. He's got a hat with flaps over his ears. SPF 30,000. What the hell? The kid looks like a mime. He's got every apparatus on known to man, a breathing tube, goggles, flippers. What are you looking for? It's a pool. There's no coral. I had none of this growing up. I asked my father, "Dad, I wanna look underneath the water." "Open up your eyes!" By the end of the vacation, I was blind, I couldn't see shit. So they stopped swimming. The guy's out of breath. I'm looking at him, he got long hair. The type of hair you gotta dip in the pool, then flip back. Oh, God, soon as I saw that, I pat my wife, I go, "We gotta meet this guy. This guy's sensational." But I don't know if you ever talked to somebody so magnificent before that you have nothing to share. I had nothing to tell this guy. This guy had multiple careers at 16. He played in the French Open. At 32, he had a big law firm. Now he's running a big hedge fund. Then he tells us, "We summer in Capri. Where do you summer?" "Our backyard." I don't know what the hell you're talking about. We take a week off a year. You got the summers? [woman yells] What's that? This is not the title of this one, but aren't you embarrassed? [audience cheers] While we were there, we found out that Andrea Bocelli was performing in Tuscany. Anybody know who this is? Okay. So we got the tickets. We got soaked on the tickets, okay? Let me tell you something about tickets 'cause I've been getting a lot, especially from the New York show. "This is ridiculous. They're $700 a ticket." I don't have any control on the fucking ticket price. Okay? I put them on sale, they gobble them up. And people sell them. That's why they're so damn much. You think I would do that? I don't do that. So I got it on the other end. I got the Bocelli tickets. When I heard the price, inside my body was a shock, but I had to act like it was nothing. You ever get, you know, like, "Yeah, no, that's all right." And then I gotta tell my wife, "Don't eat for three days." Here you go. So we go. It's beautiful. I couldn't-- I mean, it was outside. 8,000 people in the middle of Tuscany. Rolling hills all around us. We sit down, the guy comes out, gives us two hours, singing his life out. Ends the concert. Me and my wife start to leave. We walk down a gravel road. We're holding hands. Everybody's exiting just talking about the show. That's what you do. You go see a show, and you talk about it on the way out. You're gonna do it tonight. You're gonna go, "Oh, he was all right. He was all right. You wanna get some ice cream or something?" So me and my wife, holding hands, walking down the gravel road. Now coming towards us is a guy telling people to get the hell out of the way. Behind them is Bocelli on a white horse. The guy's blind. There's no safety code. No city ordinance in Italy. The guy's blind, riding a horse through 8,000 people. Nobody said shit. Could you imagine tonight if I had a white stallion out front and took it down Broadway? I'd get pulled over at the light. "What the fuck are you doing?" "Nah, I saw Bocelli do it in Tuscany." God bless you. You guys have been great. Thanks for coming out. I had a blast. A blast. Thank you so much. So nice. So nice. Love it. [electronic music playing] |
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