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Secret Santa (2015)
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- Why the hell are we leaving so early? - Because you got us kicked out. - We got kicked out? - No, not we, you got kicked out. - Uh, why? - 'Cause the bouncer didn't like it too much when you threw up all over him. - Hey, I tried to make up for that. - I don't think making out with him right after you puked up your stomach lining was a very good idea. - I just don't think he was into blondes. - Yeah, let's go with that. - Okay. - One, and two, okay, okay, okay. All right, can you stand? I need to open the door. Are you, okay, okay. I'm so proud of you, I'm so proud of you. Son of a bitch. - It's too cold. - I can't imagine why. How the hell am I -- Goddammit. Thank you for being a lightweight, Carissa. Ah. Better. Merry Christmas from your secret santa. Cute. We're not suppose to do secret santa until tomorrow. A power drill. Interesting gift choice. Bath bombs, lottery tickets, but a power drill. Whoever's screwing with me, it is 10 p.m. on a Friday and I am sober so I am not in the mood. Hello. Hello. - Hey. - Jeez. - I'm sorry. Are you okay? What are you yelling about? - It's fine, it's nothing. It's just someone's screwing with me. It's not you is it? - No, I wish I had that much time on my hands. Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, It's just, whatever, you know. - Okay well, holler if you need anything. - Will do. - Ooohhh, god. I'm home? Uhhh. - Oh yes! Yes! Merry Christmas, Wiggles. Why thank you Senor Clappy. And remember boys, buy me gold today. I bring out Mr. Plunger, oh spank me! Shit. Here's a refund boys. - Uhh, someone had better be dead. Ohh, I'm coming. Brian? - Whoa, seen better days, huh? - Nicole, Brian's here. - Shit. Shit. Oh shit. Okay. I'm coming. - You wouldn't happen to have a Percocet on you? - Just black tar heroin. - Thanks. - Hey. - Hey. - You ready to go? - Yeah. - Aren't you gonna take any notes? - Nah, he'll post 'em online. - Okay. - What'd I miss? Okay, 72 hour study session, starts now. It's cumulative. What do you mean, the server's down? Who even reads these things anymore? Let's do this shit. Bag, bag, I need bag, bag. - Here are the rest of the exam booklets you asked for. - Ah, thank you kindly. - Anything else you need? Anything at all? - Look, as tempting as that is, right now we can't, not now. - Why not? We have time. I'll only be your TA for three more hours. - Well, I mean, three hours, that's three hours for us to get caught. - It's more fun that way. - Give me today. After the exam, we can announce that we're a couple. - Really? - Yep. I can shout it from that rooftop, right there if you'd like. - Well, I do have the perfect plan for us to make our first appearance together. - Oohh, I love events. Do tell. - It's a party at my place, tonight. More of a small get together, really. - Um, well, I'm really a party kind of a dude. And I don't know how comfortable I feel partying with my students. - After today they won't be your students. Please, for me. - I'd love to go. - Thank you. - Professor. - Shit. - Uh, my face. - Where the hell is my straightener. Eh, thank you, Jerri. - Ready. - Yeah, I think so. Can I take a look at your notes again real quick? - Yeah. - What? - Musta forgot 'em. - Hey. - Hi. - Are you feelin' all right? - Huh, why, what'da you mean? - You seem a bit jittery. - Me, jittery? No, no, I'm not jittery. Top of the world, steady as a rock. - When was the last time you slept. - Ah, one, two three days ago, quiet frankly I don't remember. - Jesus, Duane. - Are you sure you're ready to write today? - I, I was born ready. What? Come on, let's go. - Hi baby. I just wanted to call and say good luck this morning. I have a bit of a surprise for you tonight. I miss you. Sorry I was so grouchy this morning. - I can't talk right now. - Are you coming? - Be right there. I have to go. - Uh, where's the stapler. A little peak won't hurt. Professor Ramsey's office. - Everything good. - Yeah, that was just my mom, wishing me luck. - Aww. - Oh shit. - Everything okay? Phones off desks. - Hey! - Hello. - In here. - Not bad. - Thanks. - Can I make a slight suggestion. - Well I'm sure you're gonna make one no matter what I say, so sure. - The wreath just looks a little bit off center. - Looks fine to me. - Okay, that's fine. Ah just, maybe... - Why don't I just run through this quickly to save some time. You tell me the wreath's off center, I say it's fine. You adjust it anyway. Next you tell me the garland's wrapped too tight. We argue for about an hour, resulting in you taking over the decorating while I, out of frustration, get shit-faced. Sound about right? - Couldn't a said it better myself. - Good, I've been itching for a drink since 11. - Did you see Jerri when you left this morning? - No, I haven't seen her since last night. She said someone's playing a prank on her. - It's the first I've heard of it. - She wasn't in her room this morning, and I know for a fact that girl does not get up before noon. - Exam? - She finished three days ago. - Something probably came up. I'm sure she'll be back to make up for last night. That girl can smell a party from miles away. - Yeah. - A pull station in the building has been activated, please exit the building. A pull station in the building has been activated, please exit the building. - Why? - There's something I need to tell you. - Sure. - I, certain people. We all have debt. - Okay. - I found a way -- - Do you need some money? - No, no, I don't need money? - What is it? - Nothing, it's nothing. I was just wondering how you got your financial aid. - Just go down to the student resource center and fill out some forms. Do you want me to go with you? - No, no, it's all right. 8 o'clock here? - I'll be here. - Bye. - Bye. - There's some mail on the counter for ya. - Thanks. Oh no. Tuition bill, utilities bill. Jesus. Is anyone gonna eat this cucumber? - Bring in the bomb squad. - Hello everyone, and welcome to cooking with Naughty Nicki. I just need $200 to start the show, yes. Thank you Jimmy Jellyfish. Someone's what? That's not funny Jimmy, I'm kicking you out. Silent night, Holy -- - Oh there's one. - Care to donate? - Oh god, oh god, what have I done? You, you, you didn't deserve this. - Fucking asshole. Hey Liv, toss me that bottle a Jack would ya? Somebody get the door! - I'll get it. A little early there, Duane. - Sleep, I just wanna sleep. Why won't anybody let me sleep? - Okay, come on in sweetie. Carissa, I need a little help in here. - what the hell happened to you? - Did Nicole do something to her hair, she looks different? - Sweetie that's Carissa. - No it's not. - Okay, I think you crammed way too hard this time, let's get you to bed. - I need a drink first. - You're hilarious. Let's put him in Jer's room. She's not there, she won't mind. - Oh. - Uhh. - Smells like Jer forgot to take out the garbage. - Yeah, it's a little stinky. - Sleep. - If you insist. - Hey. - Oh, what the hell are you doin' here? - Well you left your door unlocked, so I just let myself in. - You should not be here. - Would you relax. Nobody saw me. - Don't get comfy, you gotta go. - That's funny, 'cause you weren't too keen on me leaving the other night. Wanna have a quickie before the party? - What we did the other night, it was a mistake. - A mistake? - Look, I'm with Nicole. - Well it wasn't her name you were calling out the other night. - Carissa, you're a a nice girl, but what we did, we can never do that again. - What do you see in her anyway? She's a boring prep, and a lousy lay too, I'm betting. - We're over, done, terminito. I don't love you. I love Nicole. - Well, what will she think of you when she finds out you slept with me. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, why would you tell her that? - Well, it's the truth. And me being a good Catholic and all, I'd have to confess in order to be forgiven. - Let's not bring religion into this. - Well, there is one thing you might be able to do for me. Something that will keep me quiet. - Anything. - You're a peach. - Hee, hee, hee, that was fun boys. Until next time, keep being a donor and keep tugging that -- Crap. Just a second, I'm not dressed. - Hey, I could use your help if you're not -- Hey, we're suppose to share those you know. - Yeah, I've been on a real health kick lately. - You're not the only one. I could use a hand. - I'm just gonna get dressed. - Are you all right, you seem a bit stressed. - Yeah just normal stuff, I have a lot of bills. - If you want, I can pull some strings and get you a job on campus. - That's okay, I have something in the works. - Great. Do you want some? - No, no thanks. I've had my fair share of roughage today. - Okay. - What is up, Je, uhh. - Duane? Oh Jesus. Buddy, are you all right? - Jer, Jerri. - Yes, you're in Jerri's room. - No, she's, she's -- - She's what? - She's under there. - Under where? What are you talking about? - She's under the bed. She's, she's missing an eye. - Okay, I think someone needs to go back to bed. - But, but... - It's you. - I swear, just look. - Duane, there's nothing there. - What? But, but, that's impossible. - You must have hallucinated. Come on hun, let's get some sleep. I'll call you when the party starts. - Is he okay? - Well, he's still seeing things. - Oh. - That'll be the pizza. - Pizza, I'm making hors d'oeuvres. - Oh hey, how's it goin'? - Good thanks. - Yeah, that'll be um, 22.84. - Keep the change. - Oh, thanks. Hey, don't I know you from somewhere? - I've got one of those faces. - No, I -- Bitch, I don't know why she didn't stop, I just... - Oh! - Hey! What're you doin' down there? Hey! Weirdo. I don't get paid enough for this shit. - Got it. Hey. - Hey. For the host. - Thank you, how thoughtful. I'll take that for you. Come on in. - Brian. - Carissa. - Hey. - Oh, hey. - Wanna drink? - Sure. So, where's your squeeze for tonight, Liv? - Well, according to her, we get to meet this mystery man tonight. - Oh, really, do I know him? - Ah, you've probably seen him around. Careful, they're hot. - Shit! - You idiot. - Okay guys, dig in. - Thought I smelled something good. - Hey, look who decided to wake up. - Feeling better? - Much, much. And after a few a these I will be right as fuckin' rain. - Has anyone heard from Jerri? - No. - I tried texting her today and I still haven't heard anything. - Weird, I'll try her now. Eat up guys. - Ehha. - Oh, oha. - Uck. - What the hell was that? - Ohha. - Shit, she's coming. - The vest. - Get rid of it. - I just sent her a text so hopefully we'll hear back soon. - Shit, I forgot candles. - Get rid of the rest. - What? - She's gonna make us eat them all. - Shit. - Wow, you guys were hungry. - Delicious. - Well done. - Great, I'll go grab some more. I'm so happy that you guys are hungry, I bought these in bulk. - Got it. Professor Ramsey? - Duane. - Is he really here right now? - Yes, sweetie. Hi. - Oohhh, that explains it. - Thank you so much for coming. - I wouldn't miss it. These are for you. - Thank you, they're beautiful. - Shall we brave the snake pit? - We'll be fine, come on. - Yeah? - Yeah. That would be good, maybe I'll do that too. - This is gonna be good. - Guys, I'm sure you'll remember Professor Ramsey. He's my boyfriend. - I'm no longer your teacher so you can feel free to call me Preston. - My casserole, thank god. I will grab you a drink. - You're gonna go in there, okay, well, that I could use, right about now. - No fuckin' way. - That explains why she's been so cryptic about it. - Isn't he a little old? - It's the elbow-padded blazers man, women are just helpless to them. - Right. - Well that couldn't have been any more awkward. - You might wanna leave the bottle. - Look, everything's gonna be fine, they're just in shock. - You sound like someone died. Hey, great work on that essay. - It took a lot a guts to do what you just did. They're gonna be a little distant at first. You're just the newbie of the group, they'll love you. I promise. - Hey, hey, hey, I haven't been the newbie in 10 years. - Are you coming? - I'll be right there. - So, Professor Ramsey, nice. - It's the jackets, right? - What? Look, you guys please, you gotta help me out here. He's a really nice guy, just talk to him. - It's a little weird. - You're a little weird. Don't worry, I'll make everyone play nice. And that goes double for you. - Ah. - Oh. It's from Jer. Says she's sorry that she left last minute. Her grandfather passed away last night. - Oh no, that's awful. - Shit. - At least we know where she is now. - Yeah. - Oh, ah, Preston, you gotta tell me where you got that cool jacket from. - Huh, you like it? - Yeah, yeah, of course. - It was actually a gift from an old friend of mine, Kuchma. He went down to Paris. Don't touch it. - Sorry. - Does anyone smell burning? - Oh shit. Oh no! Dammit it's burnt. Maybe it's salvageable. - It, It's gone. - Nicki - All right, let's get this secret santa party started. - Yeah! - Who wants to be our elf, Duane? - No, not again. I nominate new guy. - I second that. - Hey, all right, I guess I'm up. - Probably shoulda mentioned the dress code. - How silly of me. - One at a time, hun. - To Brian, from secret santa. - Ah, thank you. You know, all this unwrapping's making me a little thirsty, hold on. Um, ah, all right. Oh, great, exactly what I asked for, a meat cleaver. Thank you. - I didn't get you that. - The whole point of secret santa is that it's suppose to be a secret. - Well, that's not what I got you. - Maybe there was a mix-up. Did anyone get someone a meat cleaver? - That's not how the game's suppose to work. - Okay then... - I need a refill, anyone else? - Yeah, yeah, I think I need one. - Don't have to ask me twice. - Yeah, I'm actually gonna go use the little elves' room. - Guys, we literally just started. - Oh, hey! - Hey, can we talk in private? - Sure. - Okay. - Everything all right? - I have something to confess. - Confess? - Do remember when I was telling you about my student debt? - Yeah. - Well I found a way to pay it off, fast. - You're a kinda freakin' me out here. Did you sell a kidney or somethin'? - No kidneys no. Look, before I show you, I really don't want you to get weirded out or anything. - Show me? - I found a job, even though unorthodox, I really love. - What is it? - It's performative. I get to work with a lot of people and you know I'm a real people person. - Right. - Oh screw it, I'm just gonna show you. - Holy shit! - This is what I do. - I don't understand. - Well, come sit down. - Is that a squash? - Yeah, yeah. - Hi Al. No, I won't put that there. You want me to use the big black one. Okay, yes! Oh I love it when it goes deeper. Say something. - Something. - It's not something I ever planned on doing. Let alone, liking. I just started 'cause I could make over 500 bucks a week. Then, after awhile, I started liking it. I really like it. - Is it not good enough with me? - No, no, of course not. I love making love to you. This is well, it's different. - Different, right. - Brian, just... - No, I need a second. - Shit. - Hey stranger. Everything all right. - Well, just found out that my girlfriend's a porn star. Has your evening panning out so far? - A porn star? - Oh, sorry, forgive me. A web cam model. Is that the proper occupational title? - Oh, really? Oh man. - Yeah, yeah, just laugh it up. - I'm sorry, I just never figured her as the type. - Oh yeah, yeah, she's quite the little nympho. She's got more leather up there than a 50s greaser. - I always thought she was just a loud masturbater. - Can I have some of that? Ah, christ. - You poor, poor thing. - Sorry. Sorry, I can't. - Oh really? - Hey. - Hey. - Look, I'm sorry I freaked out back there. But, ow, ow. This is just all really new to me. Jesus. I can't say that I like it but if it makes you happy, then I can't stand in the way of that. - What are you saying? - I want you to be happy. Who am I to say you can't do what you enjoy? As twisted as it is, I love you. I'll take you anyway I can get you. - Oh thank you. - Now, being your new agent, I demand to see a dress rehearsal before every performance. - Oh, deal. - All right. - Wrap it up you guys, we got more gifts to open. - To be continued? - You bet your life. What is this for? - I'll show you that later. - All right. - Okay hun, grab another one. - Okay hun. - Ah, to Carissa, from your secret santa. - Well at least somebody got something useful. - Hold up, I didn't get you that either. - Guys, if you're not gonna play the game properly -- - Shut it, Olivia. - Liv, you wrapped the presents honey, do you think you made a mistake? Or, were you drinking and wrapping again? - No! Duane, is this your doing? - What? Don't look here. It's a pretty lame prank if you ask me. - Everyone, just open 'em up. - Gardening shears? - An electric carver, how thoughtful! - That's nice, yeah. Oh Nicki, Nicki, Nicki, you never disappoint. Yeah, is that legal? Yeah. Oh god. - Hey Nicole, open yours. - Okay. - Oh? - Coming! Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa-La-La-La-La la-la-la-la Tis the season to be jolly Fa-La-La-La-La la-la-la-la - Ha, no! - Carissa. - What? - I'm sorry, my roommate's intolerable. Let's hear another one. Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa-La-La-La-La la-la-la-la Tis the -- - Guys, I'm right here. - Hey. - Hey? - Are you having a good time? - Yes. - Do you wanna have a better time? - You know you're talkin' to me, right? - Who else would I be talking to? - The handsome quarterback, distinguished professor, just some guesses. - Look, do you wanna get laid, or not? - Yes. - Good. Bitch. - Heck yeah. Fa-La-La-La-La la-la-la-la - Whoo, great job you guys. Oh, I'm a student, gotta eat. Preston? - Yeah, I a... Merry Christmas. - For me? I had no idea. Oh. - If you don't like it, I can -- - No, I love it! Oh my god, I've just the place for it too, thank you. Look what I got, bitches. - This is awesome. - Shut up Duane. Duane? - Yeah. - Is there a problem? - Oh no, I must just still be tired. Please, god not now. - Yeah, okay. - Come on. The basketball just needs a couple a pumps to get inflated. - Bye Duane. - Don't go. Worst day ever! - Sorry guys, nature calls. - Where'd everybody go? - Hey. - Ah. - Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Have you seen Liv? - She probably went to go get ice or something. - You didn't open your gift. - Oh yeah, I forgot it. It's been a bit of a mad house around here tonight. - Yeah, I'll say. So, are you gonna open it? - Oh, I'll wait for everyone. - Well, I think you can count out Duane and Carissa. - Jeez. - Yeah. - Weird, I mean -- - Yeah, I think so, yeah. They're, yeah. - She's gonna fail my class. - I know. - So, go ahead. - So, what did I miss? - I just need a minute. - Give it up, Duane. Certainly can't get it up. - Did you guys study for the exam? - Oh yeah. - Yeah, of course. Yeah, I aced it. - Um, I'm gonna need another beer. - Yep. - Do you know if Liv went to the store? - Her car's still here. - That's weird. I'm gonna go check her room. She's probably just fixing her hair. She's quite the perfectionist. - That I know. Oh, thank you. - Oh, now you decide to show up. Your timing is impeccable. Maybe she just needs a breather. She'll come back. Who am I kidding? What was? - Duane, I swear to god. Duane? - Liv? Oh god! Oh no! Oh god! Oh god! - And I thought I was the noisy one. - Oh! - You didn't, you didn't scare me. - Oh, right, right. No, you didn't scare me either. - Yeah, no. - Okay don't. - Sorry. - So, where's Olivia? - I, I don't know. She's not in the kitchen. I was gonna go check downstairs. - Well go on then. - All right, I don't know where she is. - Liv. - Was she in her room? - No, she's not outside either. - Why would she be outside? - 'Cause last week at 2 a.m. I caught her trimming trees. She's OCD. - Okay, well, she's not downstairs either. - She wouldn't just leave without telling anyone. - Uhhh. - What the hell was that? - It's not what it looks like! - Jesus Christ! - No! - Get to my car. Get in. What are you waiting for, let's get the hell outta here. Get in the car. - Let go of me! - Oh! Son of a bitch. Nicole. Nicole. Open the fucking door. - I can't. - Open the door. Open the door. - Brian, no! No! No! No, Brian! No! No! Where the fuck are the knives? Oh, great. - Nicole, what's going on? - Good, you're awake. - Oh dear, she's still a little wonky. - You're the carolers. I stabbed you. - Actually -- - Son of a bitch. - You stabbed May. - It's not nice to swear, dear. - To hell with that, she stabbed me. - Hey! Not yet. - Why? - Why? You really wanna know? It was Christmas. My brother Tommy got what he wanted, why couldn't I? All I wanted was a Miss Molly. - Do you want a Miss Molly again? - Uh-Huh. That's why, Nicole. That's why. - That is by far, the most stupid fucking reason to kill anybody. You couldn't have given me the Cliff's Notes version of that story? Two hours. Jesus Christ, I would've killed myself by now if my hands weren't tied! - Shut up! - You made him mad. It's very hard to calm him down once he's mad. - May, bring the... Oh my. - Ah jeez, she bled out. - Probably wasn't such a good idea to go on so long. - Well, you live and you learn, right? Now back to you. - Mam, please. You seem like good person. Don't let him do this. - On the contrary, I'm a psychopathic killer with a knack for body dismemberment. - Now you're going to be a good little girl, and open up your present. Got it? - Ew this is my favorite part. - Could you help me up, my hands are tied. - Ah, fuck. - Ow. - Oh jeez. Oh shit! I've always had a thing for you, Naughty Nicki. Well-played. Fuck me. You haven't seen the last of me. - Are you sure you can't come out with us tonight? - I can't babe, I have a ton of work to do. But have fun. Don't get arrested. - I can't promise you that. Bye. - Bye Savanna. Hello my darlings, how was your night? You know the drill, $200 and we'll start the show. Thank you Dusty Dangletaint. Dangle, dangle. Thank you Neal. - What the hell? Oh shit. Where are you, you little bitch? - Thanks for the present, really came in handy. Merry Christmas, motherfucker! - No, no, no! |
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