Yeah?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Uh, me and my buddy we're having
a little trouble with our car.
We were wondering
if we could use your phone.
I'm sorry, I don't have a phone.
Oh, that's okay,
we don't have a car.
I don't get it.
This clear it up for you?
No, I'm afraid not.
You see, I'm blind.
It's, uh, not a permanent condition.
It comes and goes.
DEX: We could've killed you,
you know that.
It's a natural instinct for a man
to defend his home and property.
Worth giving your life up for?
Well, not that particular
property, it's rented.
Well, what the hell you doing
up there all alone, asshole?
That's okay,
you can call me Nick.
I'm a writer,
I'm working on a book.
What line of work you fellas in?
Stop at the next station,
asshole.
We need some gas.
- Carmel.
Oh, yeah? Nice town.
Got a nice bank too.
You ever knock off a bank?
Me?
Not that I can recall.
Well, this will be
your first time.
We're gonna rob a bank?
You, me and Bee Gee.
What do we want to do that for?
Because that's our line of work.
- I see.
Pull in there, writer.
Now you remember
where this gun is.
Right side, middle of the ribs.
- Fill it up.
Fill it up.
Premium?
- Regular.
- Premium.
- Premium will be fine.
Want me to check the hood?
- Yeah.
- No.
No. It's already
been checked, thanks.
Any chance of my
going to the john?
- None.
- Just relax.
- I'm relaxed.
Nice day for a drive.
Tell me, where you boys heading?
- Carmel.
- Oregon.
Oregon.
Then right up to Oregon,
that's our home up there.
Nice country.
Eighteen even.
Eighteen even.
Pay the man.
You have my wallet.
- Business.
- Vacation.
- Vacation. On a fishing trip.
Eighteen out of $20.
Here you are.
Yeah, keep the change.
- We know the way.
- Thank you.
- Move it.
I don't know.
We may have to call it off.
I don't think we're gonna find
a parking space.
Just keep circling
'til somebody pulls out.
Can I ask a dumb question?
What do you need me for?
Because you got
a nice honest face.
You're gonna walk up to the teller,
smile, and hand her this note.
BOTH: "This is a stick-up.
Put all your money in a bag.
"Make one sound
and you're dead."
It's good. Good writing.
Take it from a pro.
Thanks.
You see?
There's a spot, across the
street from the bank.
What am I supposed to do
with this?
Just open your jacket
and let the lady sees it.
Then she'll know
you mean business.
Let's go.
Supposing, once we get inside I
decide to blow your heads off?
How? We don't have no bullets.
- Just kidding.
- Let's go.
TELLER: There you go.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
Next?
Next?
- Yes, you can.
What is this?
Read it.
It's self-explanatory.
- Oh, my God!
- I know. I know.
- Oh, my God!
- I feel the same way.
What do I do?
I don't know.
Let's take a look.
"Stick-up,
put all your money in a bag.
"One more sound
and you're dead."
- Bless you.
Oh, uh
- Please pick it up.
- No, leave it. Leave it there.
Or you can pick it up.
Whatever you
- I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know either.
You want change too?
- Yes, please.
- Okay.
- No change. Keep the change.
Listen, I have nothing
to do with this.
It's those two guys
over there by the desk.
Look at them.
This isn't even loaded.
Oh, God, please, don't hurt me.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
- Hi, Helen.
- Hello, Mrs. Herman.
Mrs. Herman, would you mind
going to the next window?
I'm getting a payroll.
- Okay.
- Thanks.
Listen, do me a favor.
Tell the police I had nothing
to do with this, okay?
Thank you. Nice job.
MAN: Is he all right?
Oh, shit!
Jesus!
Well, I'm thrilled, too,
Stanley.
Well, you know
how I've wanted it.
I think I can do
a hell of a job for you.
Well, thank you,
that means a lot to me.
I've got some ideas
for the campaign
I'd like to sit down
and discuss with you.
Why don't we have dinner
next week?
Tuesday night at our house?
Aurora's chicken pepperoni.
I know how you love it.
Thank you very much.
It's set. Attorney general,
state of California.
The Governor's backing me.
- Congratulations, Ira.
- Thanks, Fred.
I always knew you'd make it.
I've been saving these
for four years.
Starting to grow ferns.
Let's not smoke them
until you see this.
In a second.
Jackie, would you get me
my wife, please.
: Yes, sir.
- Call her later, please.
Well, hold that a second,
Jackie. What's wrong?
- No.
He looks a little
like my wife's first husband.
- Your wife's first husband.
Gardenia
Knocked off the Bank
of the Pacific in Carmel.
Got $7,000 plus.
Walked in,
handed the girl a note,
flashed a gun and walked out.
If they still want you for Attorney
General, this could be your first case.
Is this a gag?
This is a government agency.
You know we don't have
a sense of humor.
He was seen driving away
with two unidentified men.
There were smart enough not
to get their picture taken.
Putz. Putz.
Doesn't even know
how to rob a bank,
looks right into the camera.
Couldn't ask
for a better picture.
What is he wearing, makeup?
This, plus the fact that he spent
two years in a Mexican jail
is gonna make terrific copy
for the opposition.
They never proved that he was
personally smuggling in the drugs.
They found him in the car with
five kilos and four Mexicans.
A three and a half minute trial,
you don't call that justice.
Ira, you've got my vote.
But we're living in
a very conservative state.
You're gonna have image trouble.
The sooner he's caught,
the better off we are.
What are the police doing?
The usual. Roadblocks, a couple
of helicopters, dogs, big dogs.
Anything else?
Can we call the Air Force and
ask for saturation bombing?
Thanks a lot, Glenda.
JUDGE: Mrs. Parks,
is there any legal reason
why the sentence should not now
be imposed on your clients?
No, Your Honor.
All right.
In view of the extenuating
circumstances in this case,
I'm willing
to release your clients,
Robert Broken Feather
and Thomas Jefferson Wolf Call,
on probation.
Thank you, Your Honor.
I wish to make it clear, however,
that I do not condone their behavior.
And that is a condition
for probation.
They're gonna have to make restitution
to the Welfare Department
for some $326.41 in damages.
What would you do, Your Honor,
if the government withheld your
welfare checks for six months
because of a clerical error?
I would try to get along
on my pension.
I want to see these two young
men in my court in three weeks,
gainfully employed or showing
just cause why they're not.
Otherwise, I shall reconsider
my reconsiderations.
I will personally see to it
they have jobs.
We don't know
how to thank you, Mrs. Parks.
We're really grateful.
It's okay.
Can we buy you a beer?
No, you can't buy me a beer,
you're on probation.
Try Dr Pepper.
I want to see you both in my
office at 9:00 in the morning.
There's ranch in Topanga Canyon that
needs some help with their horses.
Are you interested?
Uh, we can't ride.
Can't ride? Terrific.
What can you do?
I was in the Navy
for three years.
Served on the bridge.
Well, maybe the stable needs
some help with their boats.
See you tomorrow.
Bye. Let's get out of here.
- We won an overtime.
And don't call me boss.
Didn't you see Roots?
Chester, where'd
you get that hat?
From a chauffeur.
- No, I found it.
- On a chauffeur.
Chester, the only reason I made you a
chauffeur is to keep you from stealing.
Why are you doing this to me?
Because I wanna be as good a
chauffeur as I am a stealer.
Well, there's a certain sincere
logic in that, I suppose.
I hope you boys
won't be offended by this,
but, I gotta get back to work.
And I was wondering
if I could quit the gang.
Be willing to give up
my share of the money.
Obviously,
I'd be sworn to secrecy.
You know, I think we've all grown
really close to each other
since this morning.
What do you say, Bee Gee?
If the man wants out,
let him out.
Really appreciate that, Bee Gee.
Forget I mentioned the name.
Is this a good spot here?
Maybe near a bus depot.
Or here. Here's good.
I like here a lot.
Okay.
Step out any place you want.
Any chance of, uh,
stopping the car first?
How about slowing down to 55?
Not here!
You realize you went through a
stop sign back there, don't you?
Can't help it. I don't like
to read while I drive.
When are we gonna
discuss my raise?
Raise? I can't afford you now.
This is my 12th case
in the same suit.
- 8:15 tomorrow morning.
- Mmm-hmm.
Hi. Hi, fellas. Hi.
Ooh!
You're smothering me!
A simple hello will do.
Hey, all right, who peed?
And don't blame it on the
cats, they're in the kitchen.
- Hi, honey.
- IRA: Hi, Glen.
Come on.
Come on, you bad dogs.
Stan, I want you to know, if it
embarrasses you in any way whatsoever,
I'll bow out now.
I know as much about it
as you do.
Glenda just got in now.
I don't think she knows.
What's the matter, Aurora,
you sound grouchy.
What's the matter?
I got six dogs, two cats, five goldfish,
a chauffeur, a man and woman to feed,
and none of you eats the
same time or the same food.
Five dogs, not six.
Well, one of them
has a guest for dinner.
Oh, my God!
Where did he come from?
If I was a stray dog, this is
the first place I'd come to.
Oh, he must've been the one
who peed on the floor.
That's nothing compared to
what he's done on the stairs.
Oh, I'll clean it up.
Don't tell Mr. Parks.
He's so busy
he won't notice it for weeks.
He will if he doesn't wear
slippers around the house.
I'm sorry, Stanley,
I missed that.
Glenda, Glenda.
No, we're still on
for dinner Tuesday.
Yeah. Oh, well,
I appreciate that.
Okay, I'll see you then.
I'll sign over everything
I have in the world to you
if you give those dogs
their freedom.
They miss me,
they haven't seen me all day.
Neither have I,
and I'm not barking.
Yes, you are.
I have to talk to you, I can't hear
myself think. Let's go upstairs.
No, not the stairs,
in the garden.
- Yes, it's much quieter there.
I've got some news, Glen,
some wonderful news.
- Oh, God, no!
- They ate my corn.
No, the rabbits,
they ate my beautiful corn.
Glen, I've got
some exciting news.
- Oh, Ira, I could cry.
- Glen, to hell with the corn.
We could've gone to Europe for it cost
us for growing six lousy ears of corn.
- Please, I just want to talk.
- I'm sorry.
- Sit down, please.
They offered me the
attorney general spot.
Stan called
and asked me himself.
Oh, Ira, I'm so happy for you.
You deserve it, sweetheart.
You're gonna make the most decent and
honorable attorney general they ever had.
I'm going to try, Glen.
Oh, what a wonderful surprise!
- Mmm-hmm.
Your ex-husband robbed a bank
in Carmel.
Nick
I don't believe it.
You can believe it.
Our wedding pictures
didn't turn out that good.
GLENDA: It's not like him.
Nick would never rob a bank.
Huh?
I said Nick would never
rob a bank.
He needed money, I guess.
You don't get rich spending
two years in a Mexican jail.
That's what I mean.
The man goes to Mexico to write
a piece on illegal aliens
and winds up in to jail
for smuggling drugs.
That's not like him.
When was the last time you thought
anybody was guilty of anything?
All right, Glen,
Wild Kingdom or me?
They're getting off.
Come on, get down.
Get down, Hamlet.
Why am I always the last one from the
neighborhood to get into bed with you?
You're not gonna sleep with that
picture under your pillow, are you?
He looks so gaunt.
So thin.
Don't worry, they'll feed him
great at San Quentin.
- Ira.
If they catch Nick, how will
you feel if I defended him?
Like the mess you cleaned up
on the stairs tonight.
There's another one
under the blanket.
There's another goddamn dog
under the covers.
I'll get it.
There's hair all over the place.
The place is just covered
with hair.
I can feel it on my legs.
ATTENDANT: Thanks a lot.
Come back again.
- I didn't get my candy.
Don't shoot. Don't shoot.
I'm a family man!
I want my Milk Duds.
I didn't get my Milk Duds.
I don't have any cash. We don't keep
cash at night, only credit cards.
I don't want your credit cards.
I want my Milk Duds.
I haven't eaten in two days,
I'm desperate.
Now, move!
Okay, pick them up.
And nothing with peanut butter.
I don't like peanut butter.
You like Nestle's Crunch?
Nestle's Crunch are good.
I'm not a crook,
I just want what I paid for.
We don't have Milk Duds, uh
You like a Clark bar?
How about a Crispy
Zagnut's good. Zagnut.
All right, okay, turn around
and count from 5 to 600.
No funny business.
You try anything and
I'll be back tomorrow night.
One, two, three, four, five
Stale! You guys
ever change your candy?
Ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen
So, anyway, this son of a gun lifted every
one of my lecture notes in law school
and he makes Attorney General.
You can't fight crime
without first experiencing it.
- Mmm-hmm.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Oh, yeah.
- I've been watching you.
Two hors d'oeuvres for you and one for
the guests is not what I had in mind.
Who, me?
You have one in your mouth
right now, haven't you?
- No, I don't.
Would you like me
to ask you to whistle?
Look, if gotta work two jobs,
I've gotta eat for two jobs.
Well, at least give the guests
first choice,
and fill up the tray again.
Okay.
What's the matter?
What happened?
She opened the bedroom door and
a pack of wild dogs jumped her.
What happened?
She opened the bedroom door and
a pack of wild dogs jumped her.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, no, no, they're not wild,
they're friendly.
They just get carried away.
All right. Shh. Quiet.
All right.
Didn't I tell you
to keep the door locked?
Did you see Polonius,
the little brown one?
Yeah, he got out.
- My cousin's fighting.
He's getting the crap
kicked out of him.
At least he's working.
Oh!
Now, keep the door
Get over here Locked.
Has anyone seen Polonius?
He came in this door
and went out that one.
Where do you think he went?
I didn't ask and he didn't say.
Glenda, can we please get
some clean glasses?
They're starting to drink
out of their hands.
I understood that.
I'm gonna look for the dog.
Polonius!
Here, boy! Come on.
Good evening, Mrs. Parks.
Are we making too much noise?
No, Mr. Parks just wanted us
to keep an eye on things.
Oh! Did you happen to see
a little brown dog?
I thought I heard something in the garage.
We can take a look.
Oh, it's okay,
it's probably him.
That's where I keep
the dog biscuits.
I'll send you out
a couple of sandwiches.
Oh, thank you, ma'am.
Polonius.
Come on, baby.
Where are you?
Are you in here? Come on
- Shh.
Don't move, don't say a word,
don't scream,
don't breathe, don't bite.
You're biting,
I told you not to bite.
- It's me, Nick.
- Yes.
Glenda, I'm in big trouble.
I need your help.
If you promise to help me,
just nod your head twice.
If it's a no, shake your head
from side to side.
I'll understand
I guess it's no.
Are you crazy?
I couldn't breathe.
Do you know what it's like to get
punched on an empty stomach?
You could've gone
right for my back.
Why'd you come here,
of all places?
Because I knew you were the one person
in the world who could help me.
I can't help you.
Maybe it was somebody else
I was thinking of.
What's wrong with your leg?
Was pushed out of a car
doing 65,
rolled down a hill doing 85.
If I can just
stay in here tonight
No, you can't stay
in here tonight.
Well, you've done
everything humanly possible.
I've got 60 guests in the house.
Most of them looking for you.
Can I at least have
some food, Glenda?
I've had nothing to eat but old candy bars.
I'm beginning to break out.
- Look.
- All right, hide in the car.
I'll try and bring some food
out to you.
Nothing sweet.
I've had enough sweets.
You sure have
lousy timing, Nick.
And you sure have
a hell of a face, Glen.
It's nice to see you again.
You're in terrible trouble,
Nick, try and behave like it.
You know, your eyes lit up the minute
you saw me again. I like that.
That battery's been dead
for a long time.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Do you speak Spanish?
No, but it's okay.
- Excuse me. Chester.
- Mmm.
- Mmm-mmm.
- Mmm-mmm.
- Mmm-hmm.
You're not gonna serve that?
That's two
It's for me. I'm starved.
I was gonna take
that home tonight.
I'm gonna eat it outside.
There goes my beer, too.
I need to be alone
for five minutes.
Don't tell anybody where I am.
Okay.
Have you seen Mrs. Parks?
She's not outside eating
chicken, that's for sure.
Hey! Conchita! Come on,
you shouldn't be out here.
Si, senora.
Shouldn't even be
in the country.
Oh, Mrs. Parks, thank you.
- We appreciate it, ma'am.
We can't drink
for another hour yet,
but we'll just hold on to these.
- Okay. Enjoy yourselves.
- Thanks again.
Bye, boys.
Nick.
Nick.
Oh, my God!
What are you doing back there?
Nothing yet.
This is not gonna look good
on your record.
Come on, let's go.
Hurry up.
Get back to work. I'm not
paying you for kissing.
Nick?
What kind of parties
do you throw around here?
Easy, watch the license plate.
Do you know what your
guests were doing in there?
They're not guests,
they're my help.
Ah, they're having a better
time than your guests.
If you're low on oil,
that's because I drank it.
Okay, where's the food,
what you got?
I had chicken.
You had chicken?
You ate my chicken?
No, the police took it
away from me.
They took away your chicken?
You mean,
it was illegal chicken?
They're guarding the house.
Nick, there are a lot of
important people in there.
You can't stay here.
They're gonna find you
for sure. You gotta go.
How far do you think I'm gonna get
on Zagnuts and a quart of oil?
Boy! The one person in the world
I thought I could count on
Oh, don't say that.
You know how I pride myself
on being dependable.
I'm sorry.
All right, I'll be back later.
When?
I can't keep hopping out of the house
with fried chicken every three minutes,
they'll think it's
a takeout store.
When they're gone,
a couple of hours.
Glen, you know the last thing in the
world I want to do is hurt you.
If I'm putting you in any
jeopardy, I'll leave right now.
I'm okay. Fine.
The poor, soulful look on your
face doesn't work anymore, Nick.
Really?
I thought I did it right.
If you're really, really hungry,
there's a box of biscuits
in the corner.
What a lovely dress, Roberta.
Thank you, Glenda.
- Oh, terrific.
I've been looking for
What's that on your face?
What's what on my face?
You have a smudge.
Oh, that?
That's barbeque sauce.
Black barbeque sauce?
Yes, it's Mexican.
- Very hot. Don't eat it.
- I wasn't going to.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Good night. Good night.
Don't get a ticket, Judge.
Not your district now.
I'm exhausted.
I'm just gonna lie right down
here on the lawn and go to sleep.
Why don't you go to bed.
I'll clean up.
You'll clean up?
What have you got
all those criminals for?
I sent them home.
They really worked hard.
I saw Chester dancing. I did.
I swear to God
I saw him dancing.
I'm so tired.
Let's just get in to bed.
Tell me in the morning
if we made love.
I think we had a nice party.
Oh, yeah.
- I'll lock the back door.
- I locked it.
Where are you going?
Where am I going?
Um I can't sleep.
I'm just a bundle of nerves.
I've got to do something.
I think I'm gonna go
work in the garden.
At 2:00 in the morning?
That's when rabbits
eat the corn.
This is the best time
to catch them.
- Oh!
My God! Are you crazy,
coming in the house?
Those were dog biscuits in the
garage, I started drooling.
I thought you couldn't walk.
An army of ants carried me in.
If I hadn't found this, I was
gonna eat one of the dogs.
- Look, Hamlet remembers you.
- Yeah, sure.
Asked him to drop me
a postcard but he's too busy.
Out of the way, boy, coming
through, I've got to sit.
We've got to get you
to a doctor.
Let me get Ira.
We'll talk it over, and we'll
figure out what to do together.
That's a great idea.
DA can be a big help
going through a roadblock.
This turns you off, don't watch.
I've got to tell Ira, Nick.
I haven't lied to him
since we've been married,
I'm not gonna start now.
Stop me if I start
eating my fingers.
- Sort of.
What do you mean, sort of?
I did, but I didn't enjoy it.
Look, I haven't got time
for explanations.
I need your help.
I need a place to stay.
I need some money,
need a new suit of clothes.
Something in a beige
would be very nice.
Listen to me.
You're going to call the
police and give yourself up.
I promise that Ira and I will do
everything we can to help you.
- Mmm-hmm.
- I'm gonna get him down here.
Glen! You try it, and I'll
use this on both of you.
Are you that desperate, Nick,
you'd kill me?
Well, I'd have to get
some bullets first,
but then
I can't promise anything.
- I'm getting Ira.
- Glenda, I'm innocent.
- Yes, exactly.
I know it's coincidental,
but I never smuggled drugs in
from Mexico.
I was down there doing a
story on illegal aliens.
Met a couple of guys in a bar,
slipped them $100
and they told me that they would
show me how the network was run.
How was I supposed to know I was sitting
on a bump that was five pounds of heroin.
You could've looked.
I'm not going back
to prison, Glen.
I spent two years in a cell with two
cockroaches who committed suicide.
Will you please help me?
Not by breaking the law.
You never should have
married a DA, Glen,
took a lot of pizzazz
out of you.
Now if you just make me a money
doggy bag, I'll be crawling along.
I'm sorry, Nick,
I'm not gonna help you.
I see.
Well, don't count on my
support for Ira's campaign.
Look how upset the dogs are.
What am I gonna do?
Oh, come on, don't cry.
Don't cry.
Don't do this to me.
All right, I'll get him.
Oh, God! How'd you
I didn't quite make it
to the driveway, did I?
What are you doing?
Well, most people
put their hoses in the garage.
Shh. You'll wake up Ira.
Shh. you'll wake up Ira.
Get the food. Ow!
There's an empty room
over the garage.
You can stay there tonight, but
you've gotta leave in the morning.
Something I said?
Because of you Ira's gonna lose the
election and I'm gonna get divorced.
Well, what are friends for?
You obviously don't have any.
Isn't there some other girl
that you could have gone to?
Nah, they're not dependable,
all they want is sex.
Oh, God, I hate to complain,
but you are choking me to death.
You put on weight,
or my fingers got skinny?
Listen, you can touch me
for help, not enjoyment.
It's times like this, I wonder
why we ever got divorced.
Because
Because of times like this.
- Ow!
- Can you make it up these steps?
Any chance of sending them down?
Oh, come on.
Oh, shit.
What happened?
I was getting worried.
It was the rabbits all right,
I chased them for three blocks.
You must be exhausted.
I am.
Mmm. I just want to sleep.
Think you'd be too tired
to help me in the morning?
To do what?
I wanna set up
a campaign office,
clean out the room
over the garage.
I'll get it. I'll do it.
I'll do it, honey.
Uh, you have enough
to worry about. I'll do it.
Count on me, Ira. I'll do it.
Oh, who's that?
Have them shot, Ira, please?
Oh, my God!
What time is it?
Ira?
Oh, God!
Ira!
- He took my broom,
and went out the back door.
He didn't say what
he was gonna clean up.
- Oh, shit!
- Well, maybe it was.
- Ira!
Uh, uh
- Uh, telephone!
Take a message, I'm just
gonna take a look in here.
- Let me explain.
How, um
How we could make this
a terrific office.
Who was it?
- On the telephone.
Oh, it was for me.
Then why did you yell "Ira"?
In case it was for you.
You haven't had
your coffee yet. I can tell.
We have to get a few more
phones in here.
What are you doing down there?
Looking for outlets for phones.
They're over here,
where the phone is.
Well! Oh, well,
that's the best place for it.
- Oh, God bless you.
- Nothing, I sneezed.
- Oh, gesundheit.
- Thank you.
Ira
- Could we go
someplace and talk?
Well, I need to
talk to you in private.
I mean, it's a private conversation
that needs privacy of intimacy.
- No. It's a guest room.
Uh-huh, Glenda,
come over here and sit down.
Glenda, what's wrong with you?
- It
Is it Nick?
I mean, it's Nick, isn't it?
- If it's Nick, I don't want to hear about it.
- It's Nick.
- I knew it was Nick.
Look, you don't even have him in custody
yet and he's as good as convicted.
Nobody's convicted him!
He'll have plenty of time
to explain that eight by ten
gloss that he took in Carmel.
I can explain
what happened in Carmel.
Really? Where did you get
your information from?
From Nick.
I spoke to him last night.
He was the rabbit I was chasing.
He was the rabbit? How could you do this?
What did he say?
That's confidential information
between me and my client.
Your client
Sit down. Are you crazy?
Are you crazy, withholding information
from me, the District Attorney?
Not even to mention Ira,
your husband.
I can't believe this.
I'll confide in you if you're Ira, but
not if you're the District Attorney.
All right, I'm Ira! I'm not the
District Attorney. What did he say?
No, you're
the District Attorney.
I can tell by the way
you're asking the questions.
Glenda, Glenda
With a little bit of luck,
I may still have a shot
at security guard at
the county museum.
Where is he?
I'll tell you what happened in Carmel,
if you agree to try to have Nick
put in our custody
until the trial date is set?
In our custody?
You want me to adopt him?
We'll make the cover of
The National Enquirer.
Then we have
nothing further to discuss.
All right, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What happened in Carmel?
He was in a friend's cabin
in Big Sur, working on a book.
He, uh Two men walked in,
kidnapped him and stole his car.
They forced him at gunpoint,
to drive to a bank in Carmel,
hand the teller a hold up note.
Uh, then they escaped
up the mountain,
took the money, kicked him onto to
a sand dune, leaving him for dead.
That's his whole story and
I believe every word of it.
You believe that story?
Yes, I do.
Now, wait a minute. Let me
Let me get this straight.
What you're saying is that two
men walked into his cabin
GLENDA: Right, right.
IRA: They They kidnapped
him, stole his car.
GLENDA: Right, that's it.
That's it. That's good.
IRA: Forced him to give
a bank teller a hold up note.
- Yeah. Mmm-hmm. Right.
- Kicked him down a sand dune.
- Yeah, you got it, you got it.
- IRA: They left him for
That they left him for, uh
- You got it.
For dead.
GLENDA: That's it.
I saw him limping.
- I saw him myself.
- Oh, he was limping!
I didn't know that. Well,
then of course he's innocent.
Limpers never lie.
Limpers are famous
for telling the truth.
The man is a convicted
drug smuggler!
How can you believe such crap?
All right, Glenda. Glenda, I'm
gonna give you five seconds
to tell me where he is.
I'm counting now.
One, two
No, you don't get
five seconds. That's it!
Not only am I worried about the
future of our relationship,
I also won't be home
for dinner tonight.
You forgot to ask him
for the beige suit.
- Oh, shut up!
- Ow.
Easy, easy. The leg
Don't leave the leg behind.
Oh, thank you.
Hope you won't be sore with me, but I was
listening. Thought your speech was aces.
I didn't quite buy that bank robbery
story, but otherwise, it was first-rate.
I don't think I've ever
heard him like that.
Did you see that awful look
he had in his eyes?
No, but his shoes
looked in pretty bad shape.
Oh, why am I doing all this?
Why do I believe you?
You haven't taken any of this
seriously for a second.
You've been having
the best time, haven't you?
Look at you! With that
silly smirk on your face.
I tried a serious smirk,
but it didn't feel right.
It's all just a game
to you, isn't it?
I bet you banged up your leg on purpose,
just to make it more interesting.
You know, Glenda,
there was a time,
when you had a pretty
good sense of humor.
I remember.
It's the day I married you.
Uh-oh.
You haven't changed
in all these years, Nick.
Nothing ever fazes you. You're still a boy.
When will you ever grow up?
I am trying, Glenda. I grew a
mustache, but it fell off.
Ah. Why don't we
just forget about it.
Just lend me a cup and some pencils
and I'll make it on my own.
Watch out. They'll see you.
- Old instinct never dies.
Does it?
- Protect your loved ones.
- Right. Only Ira's the loved one.
And there must be a way to deal with this
without hurting him anymore than I have?
Oh, he'll be all right.
Listen, we used to go at it
pretty good ourselves.
Aside from a divorce,
didn't harm us much.
AURORA: Mrs. Parks!
- Don't snap at me.
I'm sorry. I have a headache
through my entire body.
What is it?
Okay. Your office called.
Conchita and Rosita have been pushed
back in the court to 10:30 a.m.
because, at 9:30 you got to be with the
boys, who took a swing at the policeman.
- The ones who busted up
the welfare office.
Robert and Thomas? When did they
take a swing at a policeman?
Last night, when they
caught them in the stolen car.
What stolen car?
- Mr. Parks' stolen car.
Yeah. He's inside now,
calling for the taxi.
I never heard language like
that from a police officer.
Oh, why did I wake up today?
Oh, all right. Just tell them that
Tell them I'll be right there.
Did you want me
to make you breakfast?
Who cares about breakfast
at a time like this?
- Eggs.
- Eggs.
- NICK: Bacon, waffles, toast.
- Bacon, waffles, toast.
Coffee.
- Coffee. More eggs.
- More eggs.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Now, you see what you've done?
Who, me?
If I wasn't wasting my time
on you last night,
I could have kept my eyes
on those boys.
They're not criminals. They would
have brought the car back.
I'm sure they just went to pick
up their cousin at the hospital.
Well, I'm gonna be
running along.
I can see you have your hands full
with the rest of the underworld.
Nick
Nick, please give yourself up.
For your sake, for Ira's sake
and for mine, please.
You know, your picture's painted
on the wall of a Mexican prison.
I described your face to
an artist who was in my cell.
A lot of those guys wanted to rent it out
for the weekend, but I wouldn't let them.
AURORA: Mrs. Parks!
This couldn't possibly
be good. Stay there.
- The doggies ran away again.
Naturally.
- Nothing, I'll get
six new ones, tonight.
Oh, no.
- I'm getting out.
Now
Ah. Who's gonna notice
a limping bank robber
with his picture
in the newspapers?
You can forget the breakfast.
Where are you gonna go?
No, don't tell me.
My only chance is to find those two
guys in Big Sur and bring them in.
I just want to say that
Um, last night
seemed like old times.
You know what I mean?
Bye.
Where's my horse? I'm
supposed to jump on a horse.
All right. Wait here. I'll get
you some money and the food.
And that's positively the last
thing I'm gonna do for you.
You understand?
Do you ever call my name out
when you're making love?
Bet Ira grinds his teeth
when you do.
Aurora, I need the house money.
Uh, I used it
to pay the foot doctor.
The house money?
I can't get to the house
with bad feet.
The breakfast is ready.
Wrap it up.
I'll take it with me.
Ira
- Not with the meter ticking.
Look, I'm sorry about your car.
Why don't you take mine.
Maybe we should get a third one.
Yours, mine and theirs.
Get out of there!
Glenda! Will you get the dogs?
Dogs Come on, please,
get out! Come on! Now!
Get out! Please! Get out of here!
Get out now! Come on!
Please, please! Come on!
Get out! That's it
Okay.
Okay, let's go.
Just keep saying to yourself, Aurora,
12 more years to retirement.
Oh, who's this? I don't
like the looks of that man.
Hey, what are you
doing there, man?
Ay, dios mio.
Mrs. Parks! Mrs. Parks!
I got a burglar!
Mrs. Parks!
I got him, clean as a whistle.
That man is dead for sure.
- The burglar over the garage.
- Oh, my God.
- I gave one yell and he went down those stairs
like a sack of beans.
I knew I'd catch a crook one
day, hanging around this family.
Where is he
He was laying right there,
dead as yesterday
I'll take care of this.
Nick
"There are some things a man
just has to do by himself.
"This is not one of them,
so I'm going for help."
Oh, Nick. You crazy idiot.
Oh, God, I gotta rest.
I can't keep this up.
Mrs. Parks!
- We gotta go, else we're
gonna be late for court.
No, we won't.
Did you get gas for the car?
You didn't say to
get gas for the car.
Well, we're gonna
have to stop for gas.
- Now we're gonna be late for court.
- That's what I said.
Mrs. Parks,
should I call the police?
I don't want no dead burglars
hanging around my house.
No, it wasn't a burglar.
It was the decorator
that I hired to redo
the spare room. And
Don't tell Mr. Parks.
It's a surprise.
He didn't look like
no decorator I ever seen.
GLENDA: My briefcase!
Stop! Go back.
CHESTER: Yes, ma'am.
When my brain's unscrambled,
I'm firing you.
Would you please go get my case?
It's upstairs on my bed.
Flash Gordon will return.
Oh, God, what next?
NICK: Don't ask me.
I believe, this is your day
for the carpool.
Don't do this to me, Nick. You
promised me you were leaving.
That was before
I dislocated my shoulder.
I had to open the car door
with my teeth.
Well, I'm going to
the courthouse.
I don't know where
you're planning on going.
I told you, Big Sur.
And I just give you
my car to escape with?
No, I steal it. Park it outside the
courthouse and leave the keys.
We've already had a car stolen today.
We're over our quota.
- Oh, what am I gonna tell Chester?
- He'll never know I'm here.
- You forgot your breakfast but Chester's on the job.
- I'm not hungry anymore.
Oh, thank you.
GLENDA: Watch the bumps. CHESTER: Oh.
We not even gonna touch asphalt.
If I wanted an airplane,
I'd buy one. Slow down.
Yes, ma'am. Are you gonna
eat your breakfast?
- No.
- Thank you, ma'am.
Oh! Keep your eyes
on the road. I'll get it.
Here.
Oh, I guess Aurora
forgot to put it in.
But I saw her put it in. Maybe,
it dropped out on the floor.
Uh, keep your eyes on the road!
Chester, you just went
through a stop sign.
That's what I get for
keeping my eyes on the road.
Oh, God! The police!
- Uh-oh!
- Oh
Oh, God, I knew this was gonna happen.
I knew it. Stay down.
- Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.
- Not you.
Do you know you went through
a stop sign back there?
Uh, no, Officer, I was just about
to back up and stop at it.
Can I see your license?
Officer, uh,
I'm afraid this is my fault.
We were rushing to get to court.
I'm Mrs. Ira Parks,
the District Attorney's wife.
Oh, yes. Mrs. Parks.
- Nice to see you again.
You brought chicken and beer out
to me and Charlie last night.
We're much obliged.
Oh, the chicken and the beer.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Awfully nice of you. Okay, just
watch that sign next time.
- You bet I will.
- Just one other thing, ma'am.
- Why is that man
lying on the floor?
That man.
- Oh, that man!
- Yes, ma'am.
- Why is that man
lying on the floor?
- Yes, he's fine.
What happened?
- He was, um
- Hit.
- He was hit!
- They ran.
- And then he ran.
- They ran.
They ran.
Uh, they hit him and ran.
Yeah, the car came and
hit him and ran.
- No, I came late.
Uh, no, he went in
to get my breakfast
and I pulled him in myself.
I, of course, will represent
him as his attorney.
Can I have your name, please?
Friedlander.
Harris J. Friedlander,
from Oxnard.
- Designer.
We carve the heads of
presidents out of driftwood.
We employ mostly veterans
and the handicapped.
OFFICER: Do you have
any identification?
- No, they They mugged me.
- They mugged you.
- After they hit me.
- Did you get the make of the car or the license number?
I didn't have a chance. I
was up and down so quickly.
I really think we should
get him to the hospital.
Didn't you say you were
rushing to get to court?
After. After the hospital.
You better follow us.
We'll make better time.
- Stick to my tail.
- Right. Over and out.
- Don't ask me any questions. You'll be better off.
- Yes, ma'am.
(CAR STARTING
AND SIREN WAILING)
Hot damn, I finally get
a chance to chase the police!
That bacon was
a little well done.
Is that all that's worrying you
I must be crazy.
Disbarment. Disbarment and
disgrace are all that lies ahead.
That, and a big truck.
- I don't think we'll know
for a few minutes yet.
- Chester!
Okay.
You want to hear my plan?
No. I want you out of my life.
That's part of the plan. I kidnap you,
we lose the cops at the next corner.
I dump the both of you off, I steal
the car and you're in the clear.
How you gonna kidnap us, if
I'm the one driving the car.
- 'Cause I'm holding the gun.
- I buy that.
Turn left at
the next corner, Chet.
Don't listen to him, Chester.
Nick, Nick,
please give yourself up.
If you're innocent, they'll
never send you to jail.
- Is that how it works, Chester.
- Not in my neighborhood.
- Then turn here.
- If you turn, Chester, you're fired.
If you don't turn, I fire.
There's no bullets in it,
Chester. Trust me.
You're gonna trust a woman who
just lied to the police, Chester?
I want a raise.
I definitely want a raise.
Giving escort to a Mrs. Ira
Parks, license number
Where in the hell did they go?
- NICK: Stop right here.
I think I'm two inches shorter.
Okay. Get out of the car.
Come on, kids. Move.
Planning on coming along?
We never really did finish
that honeymoon, you know.
Nick, why are you doing this?
Why do you behave this way?
Oh, I don't know.
Ever since I was a kid,
I've had this wild and crazy
desire never to go to jail.
Bye, Glen.
One more little one?
Are you sure you'll be able
to drive with that shoulder?
Are you kidding? A vehicle wasn't
built that I can't handle.
Where were you? I've been trying to get
you on your car radio for 20 minutes.
You should've tried smoke signals.
The Indians stole my car.
Indians?
- My wife's Indians.
- Her car was just stolen, too.
Who did it?
- Her ex-husband.
She reported it?
- No, she was in it.
With him?
He was lying on the floor in the back.
She was kidnapped at gunpoint
and later let go.
- The chauffeur verified it.
A convicted felon who stole the
hubcaps off six limousines
during a funeral service.
He verified it?
You know what the Governor's doing
right now, at this very moment?
He's telling his secretary
not to accept my calls.
Wrong. He's been trying to get
you on the phone for 20 minutes.
Don't accept his calls.
And you expect me to believe
they just borrowed this car?
Yes, your honor.
I had no objection.
And have these two young men
found gainful employment?
Yes, they're currently doing
odd jobs for me at home.
"Odd" seems to be
the appropriate word.
The next time they borrow your husband's
car, please tell your husband about it.
- I don't want to see these two young men in here again.
- Yes, Your Honor.
Case dismissed.
- Thanks, Mrs. Parks.
- Keep out of trouble.
Next case.
Rosita Sanchez and
Conchita Velasquez.
- I represent these women, your honor.
- Naturally.
- I'm also their employer.
- Of course.
Mrs. Parks, I have a son who's
looking for a job this summer.
Maybe you have
something for him.
Well, if he gets into trouble,
have him call me.
Want us to pick you up
in the morning, Mr. Parks?
No, I see my car
is back in the garage.
But I'll check with you
just in case.
- Good night.
- All right, thank you.
Stop it! Stop it!
It's me, for Christ sake!
Why didn't you bark
when they took my car?
Hi. Wanna talk about it?
Why don't you have
a glass of wine, relax,
get into bed, and I'll
tell you the whole story.
He was here last night.
Wasn't he, Glenda? Where
- Over the garage. In the spare room.
- The spare room. Of course.
Why didn't you
invite him up here?
We only had six dogs on the bed.
We could have squeezed him in.
He was injured.
He could hardly walk.
He was cold, he was starved
and he was innocent.
And he needed some help and I was
the only person he could turn to.
You're the only person anyone
can turn to. Except me.
Ira Ira, that's not true.
I'm always here for you.
You come first with me, Ira.
You know that.
- I'm here for you now. Now,
where is he, under the bed?
- I don't know where he is.
- I swear.
- I'm telling you the truth.
- Really.
- Maybe sometimes I get a little crazy.
- I know.
- Overreact a little. You know, something like this
- I know.
Where was he Where was he this morning
when we were up in the spare room?
He was under the bed.
No wonder you want me
to have a glass of wine.
This might be a good time for
me to get into heavy drugs.
Where are you going?
It's my turn to sleep
in the spare room.
- Let go of me, damn it!
It's me!
Get out of the way!
- Hello.
- Not a wink.
- Why don't you bring the wine over?
- We don't have time
to go on vacation.
Why don't we take one up here?
Isn't the bed kind of small?
Not for me.
I'll be right over.
Peace?
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
Don't be silly. I guess I just
wanted a little attention.
- Well, you got it.
Glad I never faced you in court,
especially in that black nightgown.
It's nice and cold.
- I'm just the opposite.
Whoo! There's not much
room here, sir.
You can trust me.
I grew up in a Volkswagen.
Oh, shit!
I'm sorry.
- I'm fine. I'm fine.
Come on. I'll move over.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Let me think a minute.
- About what to do.
What to do? There's nothing to do.
I'll do it all.
- No, No! Ira, not here! No.
What's wrong with here?
- Let's go.
Uh, I don't know. I can't
I can't relax.
I can't catch my breath, Ira.
We need to talk.
If it's about Nick,
I don't wanna discuss it.
I don't want to hear his name.
Not tonight, Glenda.
I want one night alone.
Just us.
No dogs, no cats,
no ex-husbands.
Just us, the way we were.
All right. Great. Great.
- All right.
Remember that night
up in Lake George
when you came into the cabin
after that moonlight swim
- I don't talk wanna about it.
I don't know. I just don't
want to talk about it.
It was a wonderful night. You
were standing there all naked.
No, I don't wanna
talk about it! I wasn't!
All right, we don't have to talk about it.
We don't have to say anything.
Wha What is it
Is it something I've done?
Is it Nick? Is that all
you're worried about?
All right, all right!
That's it!
It's clear to me that you and I are
never going to have a moment's peace
until that man
is out of our lives.
If you can't learn to
give up the past,
then you're gonna have to
learn to give up the present.
You can't rehabilitate
an entire world, Glenda.
Why the hell did you
ever say "I do" to me,
when you're still saying
"I did" to him.
You know something?
I'm better off sleeping
with the goddamn dogs.
I know when I'm not wanted.
Do you see that telephone?
You have exactly 10
seconds of freedom left
before the entire Los Angeles police
department surrounds this area.
Next time, I'm gonna hide in your bedroom.
You two are never in there.
I am crossing.
Couldn't we work something out?
I think, the three of us
make a wonderful pair.
I'm dialing.
Every woman's fantasy.
Alternating husbands.
I'm talking. Hello?
This is Mrs. Ira Parks.
The fugitive you're looking
for, Nicholas Gardenia,
has just broken into our house.
I'll miss my old room.
I don't think I'll ever be able
to sleep on top of a bed again.
I'm I'm sorry, Aurora.
I woke you up.
I'll explain everything
in the morning.
Buenas noches.
Captain Anderson, please.
Ira Parks.
Ira I've got to
tell you something.
No, don't tell me.
I have a hunch. I know.
Ira. My car was stolen again.
- Oh, God.
No, I can see it driving away.
It's being stolen now.
My bet is it's Nicholas Gardenia.
I win my bet, Sam.
No, you don't have
to come out here.
But if he scratches a fender, you have
my permission to use police brutality.
He was under the bed again.
Wasn't he?
I tried to tell you but you
didn't wanna talk about him.
Telling me a man is under the
bed, while we're making love
is not exactly
talking about him.
Instead of wasting
all that time crying,
why didn't you
at least just point down?
I would have been
mildly curious.
Well, I didn't let him in! He
probably got there before you.
He always gets there before me!
Okay. You win.
You're too smart for us, Ira.
Nick and I purposely got a
divorce, so I could marry you,
knowing that you would buy a house
with a room over the garage.
So that, when he was kidnapped,
after he spent two years in a Mexican
jail, robbed a bank in Carmel,
and the police were after him
He could then hide out
in our spare room
so while you and I were
throwing parties
to celebrate your running
for Attorney General,
I would be able to
run up there, sneak away,
and be able to spend
35 seconds alone with Nick!
I've been found out.
I confess. I confess!
- You're having a breakdown. Aren't you?
- A big one!
It's been coming a long time,
and this is it!
What are you doing?
What's wrong?
I'm hyperventilating.
I can't breathe.
What do you mean
you can't breathe?
That's all you're doing
is breathing.
It's too much breathing. I'm
losing all my carbon dioxide.
All right Just calm down.
You want a glass of water?
How can I drink water when
I'm breathing all the time?
I breathe all the time.
I drink plenty of water.
That's because
you're not hysterical.
All right. Lie down.
You wanna lie down?
No, no. Just leave me alone.
I wanna lie down.
That's what
I just said to lie down.
Why is it when I bring something
up, you don't want to do it?
Because when you bring it up,
I don't want to bring it up.
- You just brought it up.
- Ira, please
- Just let me lie down.
- You are lying down.
- Ira!
- Okay, I'll go to the window.
No! Don't go to the window. He'll
only come through it again.
Oh, calm. Calm.
I have to get calm.
Mmm
- Uh, don't excite me.
- No.
- Don't mention Nick. Nick excites me.
- Oh.
I don't mean the way you mean. He
excites me the other way. The bad way.
Oh. I know
what you mean, honey.
Don't worry about anything.
Everything is all right.
He'll never bother us again.
We'll kill him. The man is dead.
I promise you.
- Don't go away!
- No, I'm gonna stay here.
- Lock the door.
- Okay, I'll just
- Don't leave me!
- I'll stay right here
- Look under the bed.
- Look under But, he's not under the bed.
- He's in my car. I saw him drive away in my car
- Look anyway, honey.
He's like a termite. He gets into the
cracks in the wood. Is he there?
- No, he's not there.
- Look again.
- Would you
- I'll take another look.
- He's not there. I swear.
- Okay.
We have the room
all to ourselves. Okay.
Ira, we've got to keep him out.
It's our only chance.
Okay, hmm
Put some garlic
around the window.
Maybe a big cross over the bed.
- We've got to protect ourselves.
- Yeah.
Morning, Mr. Parks. Did they
catch the first Mr. Parks?
I'm the first Mr. Parks.
Oh, yeah.
And don't blow the horn.
Mrs. Parks isn't feeling well.
Does that mean
I get the day off?
No, that means you get to
wash the windows in the house.
The Governor's coming
for dinner tonight.
He ain't gonna be looking out no
windows if he's eating dinner.
- Good morning.
- Maybe for you. Not for me.
- I'm putting it all here
in the letter.
Can't you just tell me
instead of writing it down?
I can't stop something
once I've started.
All right. There will be
six for dinner tonight,
including the Governor
and his wife.
We'd like you
to serve at 8:00.
Well, they're gonna be
serving me dinner at 8.00.
- I'm going to the hospital.
That's why I put in the letter
so I don't have to explain.
- Please explain.
The letter says, "The doctor says, I
gotta have my feet scraped today.
"The doctor says, 'Aurora, you gotta be
off your feet for two days, because'"
Do you want me to read you the
whole letter? I gotta go now.
Now With the Governor coming?
What about dinner?
He can have mine.
I hate that hospital food.
Tell Mrs. Parks, I called my
sisters, but they're all busy.
I'm very sorry.
Aurora, you can't just leave.
What will I do?
Well, if I were you, I'd put
my chicken up pretty soon.
- Don't step on my feet!
Morning.
Coffee.
I've never felt this bad
in my whole life.
Wait. It's early yet.
- It's a letter from Aurora.
I can't get my eyes open.
Can't you read it to me?
Frankly,
I haven't got the heart.
- I can't make this out. Who's going to the hospital?
- Aurora.
- Then how's she gonna be able to make dinner?
- She's not.
- She's not gonna be able to make dinner?
- Nope.
- That's how it lays out.
- I don't believe it.
- It's true.
- I swear.
She's not gonna make
chicken pepperoni?
Nope. She's gonna
have her feet scraped.
How long does it take
to scrape feet.
Longer than it takes
to make chicken pepperoni.
- No.
Then we're in very big trouble.
- I can make something else.
- He doesn't want something else.
He wants chicken pepperoni.
Then cancel the dinner.
No, he's making a special trip
from Sacramento.
- No, to make me
Attorney General.
But he loves chicken pepperoni.
You mean, you may not become Attorney
General if I make veal parmesan?
No, I didn't say that.
But, with your ex-husband on the loose,
we're a lot safer with chicken pepperoni.
- Don't yell at me.
- I'm not yelling at you. I'm screaming at you.
We need chicken pepperoni
and we need it fast!
I'll make it! I'll make it!
Only don't make me crazy.
I can't cook when I'm crazy.
- I'm not making you crazy.
- Yes, you are!
You're making me crazy.
Anybody who forces me
to make chicken pepperoni,
is making me crazy.
And you are making me crazy.
I'm not making her crazy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hold on a second, Joe. Let me
get my secretary another phone.
Jackie, take all this down.
I think we got something, Ira.
So have I.
Hang, hang on a second.
Go ahead, Joe.
Got it.
Got it.
Two cans tomato paste.
Sliced green peppers.
Pimento. Sausage.
What do you mean veal? There's
no veal in chicken pepperoni.
What do you mean,
what's the difference?
There's lots of difference
between veal and chicken.
Call somebody.
Could you call somebody
in Sicily?
Try, Joe. Please try.
Can you believe what I'm doing?
A grown district attorney.
What have you got?
FRED: What do you see?
IRA: Hitler!
Adolf Hitler on Candid Camera.
FRED: I want you to look at the other
photo that was taken at the Carmel bank.
- Look at the two figures in the background.
- IRA: Yeah.
FRED: Now.
Look at the enlargement.
We just identified them as Bee
Gee Ramone and Warren Dexter,
twice-convicted
for armed robbers.
In each case, they abducted
some innocent bystander,
and forced them to hand
a stickup note to the teller.
They're very shy
when it comes to pictures.
What're you telling me?
That it's possible
your wife's story is true.
Gardenia may be innocent.
Are you sure?
- I had my heart set on
sending him to jail.
JACKIE: The Governor's on two.
Stanley, Freddie in my office has just
come up with some new information
that may clear up
everything for us.
Okay, I'll tell you later.
Oh, yeah,
we're still on, 8:00.
Aurora's chicken pepperoni.
I know how you love it.
Okay. See you then.
Love that chicken pepperoni.
Don't start with me, Fred.
Oh, here it is.
- IRA: Glenda.
- Oh, God!
Jesus, it looks
like an Italian movie.
Knock it off, Ira.
I've had a rough day today.
This is my third batch
of pepperoni sauce.
The dogs are half-dead
from tasting it.
Don't you have any help? Where are the
Mexican girls and the Indian boys?
They got jobs today. Good steady jobs
that I got them just when I need them.
- I found Aurora's.
It's great! It's great!
Except it's in Spanish.
- Chester.
Chester? There's not going
to be anything left for us.
You think I'm going
to eat this stuff?
Where is he?
I better talk to him.
He's in the dining room.
Setting the table.
Come on, guys. Come on.
Who's game for one more taste?
Huh
- GLENDA: Come on.
- Is that our good waterproof crystal?
- Yes, it was.
Try to be more careful.
Have you ever served before?
Yes, sir. I worked
at McDonald's for two weeks.
Uh-huh. Wha
No paper napkins.
Get linen ones.
The Governor's coming for dinner.
The governor, you know?
- I know.
- You look very good. That tuxedo looks very nice.
Oh, thank you. It's yours.
Mrs. Parks gave it to me.
This glass looks dirty.
That's what I thought.
Chester, clean the glass.
Yes, sir. Anything you say.
Man says clean it,
then I clean it.
Mmm
Do I look all right?
I told you six times, in the
car you look fine, sweetie.
Glen, they're here.
Chester?
- Ah
IRA: Chester?
- No, I heard the bell.
- The bell's on the door.
- I know.
- Because Mrs. Parks said
for me to keep an eye
on the sauce.
- I watch the sauce
during commercials.
- Chester, will you
answer the door?
- Answer the door!
- Hello.
- Nice to see you, ma'am.
What's happening, brother?
- Good evening.
- Glad you could make it.
Thank you.
- You sure are.
- IRA: Anne.
- Hi, Ira.
How are you?
Freddie. Any word
on Gardenia or my car?
Your car is still missing but we did get
the stereo system and the telephone.
- He sold it.
Big-time limousine coming.
- Close the door.
Why don't you go in the other
room, make yourselves a drink?
I'll get Glenda.
When the bell on the
door rings, open the door!
Don't I always?
Oh, God.
Glenda. Glenda.
Wake up, honey.
Honey, the Governor's here.
Glenda Glen
- Honey, come on, honey.
Wake up. That's it.
Atta girl.
The Governor's here, honey.
I can't make it.
Go on without me, Ira.
- Save yourself.
Honey, which, which dress
do you want?
I don't care. You pick it out. I
can't make any more decisions.
IRA: How about the white one
with the little pink flowers?
- Fine.
- Here
Come on, honey. Come on, babe.
- Come on.
Here we go.
Here we are. Here.
- Just get your arm in there.
No, wait a second.
Wait a second. Take this
- Take this off here.
- All right.
Take this No! No
- Wait, honey.
- Honey, don't!
- No. All right, okay, okay.
Just No, no.
No, wait a second.
- This is turning out to be a
fine wine party.
I'm afraid I'd like to see
an entire restructuring
- of the control of hand-guns in our state.
- Mmm-hmm.
We need better and
stronger legislation,
and we need people like Ira
to enforce that legislation.
Stanley, sorry I'm late.
Glenda's got button trouble.
- Hello, Ira. You remember Deidre?
- Hi.
Deidre, of course.
Hello, how are you?
- It's nice to see you.
- Thank you.
Dinner is served.
No, it isn't.
It isn't?
It isn't.
Mrs. Parks is still upstairs.
I thought 8:00 meant 8:00.
No, 8:00 means 8:30, 8:45
Oh
He's new.
- Oh, hello, everybody.
- ALL: Hi, Glenda.
- FRED: You're looking good.
- Oh, don't mind the way I look.
Ira dressed me in a hurry.
Well, if that's the way you
look, he can dress me anytime.
You heard what Stan said?
- It's me, the first husband!
Oh, oh!
Oh
- Oh
Glen, honey, is there something
we can do about that?
Oh, that's just
the dogs barking.
Uh, Chester, would you go up
and quiet them?
Oh, sure thing.
Chester, the Governor
didn't get his drink.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll take this, Stanley.
You must all be starving. Why
don't we go in and have dinner?
- Come on.
Stan. Fred
Hey, quiet! Quiet! Quiet!
Hey!
Those are our dogs.
Yeah, I assumed.
- No, that's it.
Good.
The house looks lovely.
What have you done to it?
We had it reshingled.
Now, uh, Anne,
you sit next to Stanley.
Fred, to my left. Deidre.
Then we, uh, have boy, girl,
boy, girl, governor, girl.
- Thank you, Fred.
- Oh, everything looks lovely.
- Oh, I love it.
- Thank you.
You don't be quiet, I'm gonna tie
your tails together! Now be quiet!
Come on! Come on, out of here.
Come on, come on.
Hey, Chet. What do you say?
Mrs. Parks in?
Yes, she's in. In with the Governor
of the city of California.
Oh, the gov's here? Good. Tell Mrs.
P I'm here, will you?
- Yeah, I will.
- Mmm-hmm.
Ira tells me you placed four more of
those probationers with jobs today.
Glenda, you realize
what you're doing?
By personally ending unemployment
and cutting the crime rate
you're doing away with the need for
a governor and an attorney general.
Well, then you can all come
work for me.
- All right.
- That's a deal.
I got good news
and I got bad news.
You're drunk,
aren't you, Chester?
That's the good news.
What's the bad news?
- Oh.
It's all right. It's nothing.
She had it last night.
She's hyperventilating.
- I just need some fresh air.
- I'll go with you.
No! Please I need
my own fresh air.
( Stay! )
She hasn't been sleeping well.
- Oh.
- Oh, of course.
I hope they shoot you. I hope
they shoot you in my kitchen.
And when they drag your
dead body out,
I hope they shoot you again.
Is that anyway to talk to a man
- who's decided
to give himself up.
What?
I can't stand
being a fugitive anymore.
The hardest part
is finding a bathroom.
You'll surrender?
My conscience is bothering me
and I began to think of
Well, how unfair all of this
is to you and Myron and
- Ira.
- Ira.
I guess, if I was gonna put myself in
anyone's hands, it'd be yours, Glenda.
I love these hands.
Soft and delicate and yet
Strong and firm.
Some nights, I thought
they'd rip my back apart.
I'm glad that you've come
to your senses, Nick.
We had something good.
We had something real.
We had something permanent.
We had something that couldn't
be destroyed by a little thing
like you marrying somebody else.
Oh Uh
Why don't you wait here and
I'll go in and I'll get Myron?
- Ira.
- Ira!
Uh Ni Um, Nick
No! No, no. You mustn't, Nick.
Don't do this.
We're in the middle of soup.
Oh
- Tell me you miss the fun.
- I don't.
- The laughs.
- I don't.
- The pizzas in the bathtub.
- I don't.
- The ice cubes in the bed.
- I don't.
I don't! I love Ira.
I've never been more content.
Content?
Content isn't excitement.
Content is content.
- You know what you used to do
every time I came near you?
You used to shake and quiver.
That's what you're doing
right now.
You're shaking and quivering
all over.
Uh-huh, that's because I'm up
against the refrigerator.
I want you back, Glenda.
If you don't wanna leave Ira I
can handle it. I'm not selfish.
We can share our time with you.
I'm out of town a lot anyway.
Nick, Nick You're, you're
getting me all confused.
I can't handle
a lunatic ex-husband,
and six people for dinner
at the same time, please.
- I'm gonna kiss you now.
- No.
- One kiss.
- No.
You tell me after that kiss that
every things dead between us,
I'll never darken
your lips again.
No kiss, Nick. I'm a married woman
with the Governor in sight.
No kisses please.
You won't have to tell me. I'll see it
in your eyes, I'll feel it in your body.
Should something occur to you
however, don't be afraid to speak up.
- Excuse me, they want their chicken now.
- Uh
- He just surrendered to me.
- Mmm-hmm.
I just came to kiss
everybody goodbye.
Uh, you wait here,
drink coffee. I'll get Hyram.
Myron.
Myron.
Ira, uh, to come in, and you
can surrender to him formally.
To Ira
It'll look good
for the Governor.
Well, Chet, I think
this calls for a drink.
I'll call for one.
Sorry I took so long.
- I'm fine.
You don't look all right.
Yes, I do.
Don't I look all right?
- She looks fine to me.
- I think she looks all right.
She looks gorgeous.
She does? How does
she look to you, Fred?
Fine.
Tell me the truth. Am I drunk?
You passed cold about two minutes ago.
Can you serve?
I don't think so.
I can drive but I can't serve.
Oh, you can do it, Chet. You just
have to get through the chicken.
I can't even get
through the door?
Well, you just hold out your hands.
I'll give you the serving dish.
I'm getting sick.
If I smell that pepperoni sauce.
They're gonna get a cleaning
bill from the Governor.
Stand up, Chester.
Hold out your hands.
Okay, here we go.
Pretty good.
Timing's a little off.
Well, what I'd like to do is
have a meeting in Sacramento,
the first week in June
with our entire team,
and try to coordinate some of the things
we've been talking about tonight.
I look forward to that, Stanley.
Would you like more chicken?
More? We haven't had any.
I meant, any more.
Why don't you
ring the bell, honey?
You know, Fred and I have
drawn up a ten point program
that encompasses most of those
issues you're concerned with.
Good.
In so many areas, you know, the
criminal code system is so antiquated.
IRA: And it take
mountains of man-hours
to deal with issues that could
be handled in the lower courts,
in one fiftieth
the amount of time.
Thank you, Chester.
Stanley
You okay?
Chester
Holy shit
I beg your pardon, Governor.
What's wrong with everyone?
Nothing, Stanley.
Everything's fine.
Ira, uh, Fred, it's all right.
Trust me. It's all right.
What's all right?
The chicken, sir.
The chicken's all right.
Would you mind holding this
just for one brief second?
Let's get that for you.
I'll get you this breast
right up here.
I think you'll enjoy this.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
You look familiar.
Were you here the last time?
Oh, I've been here
quite often lately, sir.
My name's Nicholas.
Beautiful choice.
- Thank you, Nicholas.
- You're very welcome, ma'am.
- Sorry.
Where's Chester?
Uh, he's out for a moment.
Well, it smells terrific.
What should I do, Ira?
About what?
The chicken. Um
Fred is a vegetarian,
and doesn't know
if he should eat it.
So, why ask Ira?
Uh, Ira Ira used
to be a vegetarian,
and knows the things
you should eat.
Eat the chicken, Fred.
Mmm.
It's tangier than last time.
And very spicy. I like that.
Oh, thank you, sir. It's a little
thing I picked up in Mexico.
Perhaps a little more sauce?
No, thank you. I'm fine.
But, Nicholas,
you certainly look familiar.
You've never served me before?
No, sir. I voted for you last time.
Maybe that was it.
- Thank you.
I remember the reason
must've been
That'll be all, Nicholas.
- Go away.
You know, I would never
take him for a butler.
I wouldn't either.
You always seem to come up with
such interesting help, Glenda.
Where did you find him?
Oh, I've had him for years.
Would you all excuse me
for a moment?
Would you all excuse me
for a moment?
Would you all excuse me
for a moment?
Peculiar time to go the john.
Ira, he came here
to give himself up.
The man sleeps under my bed,
drives my car, wears my tuxedo.
- I just wanna meet him.
Hold it right there!
You're under arrest!
Police are on their way.
Didn't like the chicken, huh?
Nick, this is Ira, my husband.
Ira.
Nick
Oh, of course.
We've met before.
You and Glenda
were in the bed above me.
Yes, I know.
Are you crazy?
Are you out of your mind?
Who's gonna serve
the coffee now?
I think you've
unraveled, Glenda.
I think your spool is unwinding.
Let's just get through the dinner.
We'll worry about him later.
- Chester, take care of him.
- Mmm-hmm.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Is it time for the
second group to go?
Uh, Stanley
Uh, before this goes
any further,
I think I personally owe you
an enormous apology.
For what?
Nicholas, the butler.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I know how it is with help.
He's not help.
He's Glenda's ex-husband.
You mean the one that's wanted
for robbery in Carmel?
That's the one.
I see.
Well, why this man is serving
us dinner has go be
one of the most interesting
explanations I've ever heard.
Exactly. Glenda,
you wanna explain it?
No.
Excuse me, Governor.
Mr. Parks, may I have a word
with you, sir?
I'm busy now. Later, Nicholas.
I'm afraid it won't wait
'til later, sir.
All right.
If you'll excuse me a moment.
What happened to his eye?
Uh, Ira punched him out
in the kitchen.
No wonder you have
trouble with your help.
If you'll excuse me
for a moment.
What was that?
Uh, that I imagine was
Nicholas punching Ira out.
There goes Fred.
- Oh, my God!
Somebody do something.
I do that because
I'm the governor.
- That's why I voted for you, Stanley.
- Thank you.
She shouldn't be in there
by herself.
Would you like a cigar, Stanley?
I'd love one.
You rang, madame?
IRA: Are you asleep?
GLENDA: Of course not.
IRA: What are you
thinking about?
GLENDA: Same thing
you're thinking about.
IRA: Does he still mean
anything to you, Glen?
GLENDA: Please don't
ask me that.
IRA: Too late, I already did.
Does he, Glen?
He's my client. I don't think I
should be discussing him with you.
IRA: I love you.
I'm gonna do everything I can
to fight for you.
I love you too,
and I'm gonna do everything
I can to fight for you.
WOMAN: Nicholas J. Gardenia.
Step forward, please.
JUDGE: Oh, hello, Mrs. Parks.
- Good morning, Your Honor.
- What have you got for me today?
Ah-ha.
Your clients have moved up
to the big-time, I see.
JUDGE: Bank robbery, breaking
and entering, stolen car,
assault on
the District Attorney.
Mr. Parks?
Haven't seen you in a
courtroom for a long time.
Special interest in this case?
It's all in my brief,
Your Honor.
Well, it's quite unusual to have the
defending and the prosecuting attorney's
married to each other.
As well as the accused.
What's that?
Uh, Mr. Gardenia was
my husband prior to Mr. Parks.
I'm sorry I didn't hear that.
Can you speak up?
I was married to him
before I was married to him.
JUDGE: I see.
Can't say that I blame you
for not speaking up.
Marriages are all
in the record, Your Honor.
What is this breaking
and entering charge?
The accused is charged
with breaking and entering
into a private home,
located at 242 Lotus Drive
in Brentwood.
Happens to be my residence.
- And yours as well, Mrs. Parks?
- Naturally.
- JUDGE: And you're filing the similar complaint?
- I'm not.
You don't mind him
breaking and entering?
The accused came there
seeking my help.
At your invitation?
No. But he had
no place else to go.
The police were chasing him.
Mrs. Parks, you mean to tell me you
aided and abetted a known criminal?
I asked him to leave
but he pulled a gun on me.
He threatened your life?
No, not really. There weren't
any bullets in the gun.
Well, how do you know?
He told me.
You told her?
I didn't wanna scare her.
We used to be married.
Mr. Parks, where were you
when all this was happening?
I was upstairs in bed, Your honor.
It was 2:00 in the morning.
Well, weren't you concerned
about your wife?
No.
She said she was going to do
some gardening.
The rabbits
were eating her corn.
Your Honor, uh
This is the type of, uh, testimony
that on the surface seems quite silly.
On the surface, in the middle
and on the bottom.
I see your client stole your car, Mrs.
Parks. Is that right?
No, it's not.
I saw him steal my car.
And I saw him bring it back.
You wanna take a whack at it?
I always thought it best to
stay out of family quarrels.
My client did not steal my car.
He was lying on the floor
when I drove away.
My husband was upset,
because his car was taken by
the Indians who work for us.
The Indians
Yes, Your Honor. You dismissed
that charge last week.
I did. Must've been
saving my strength for today.
JUDGE: Mr. Gardenia, will you
answer a question for me please.
If I can be of any help on this
case, Judge, it's my pleasure.
Mr. Gardenia, were you apprehended
or did you surrender?
- Surrendered.
- He was apprehended.
He was apprehended
after he surrendered.
He didn't surrender to me.
Therefore he was apprehended.
He was going to surrender
to my husband after dinner.
I told him to wait
in the kitchen.
And did you wait
in the kitchen, Mr. Gardenia?
No. I had to serve dinner.
Wait a minute.
You served dinner to
Mr. and Mrs. Parks?
And the Governor.
The gov
Our governor?
I didn't ask him.
He looked like our governor.
You Honor, I think our guest list is
totally irrelevant to the charges.
I mean, if we're gonna
get into such trivialities,
we might as well discuss
what was served.
Chicken pepperoni, Your Honor.
The Governor seemed to enjoy it
if has any bearing on the case.
Hold it, hold it, just
Will you hold it?
Are you telling me
that while every police officer
in the state of California
was looking for you,
you were serving dinner to the District
Attorney, his wife and the Governor?
How is that possible?
Well, you have to prepare
everything in advance.
He was serving because
the other butler got sick.
- Me, Your Honor.
I know that face.
Where do I know that face?
From here. It's mine.
Wasn't he up before me
on a hubcap
That's right, Your Honor. But
I'm working for Mrs. Parks now.
JUDGE: Tell me something,
Mrs. Parks.
Do you take just from me
or from other judges, too?
What?
I'm doing something here.
I think you and I will have a
long talk tonight, Glenda.
I look forward to it.
Anything special
you'd like for dinner?
Would both counsels
please approach the bench?
And the accused as well.
I think this might interest him.
Something
fascinating has just come up.
Which in this case is redundant.
But may I suggest
that we drop the petty issues,
and just deal with the bank
- That's acceptable to me, Your honor.
- I'm all for speedy justice.
- Whatever my attorney says.
- Get your arm off her shoulder.
All right, Bailiff,
bring them in.
Come back here!
Aurora, what are you doing here?
Hold that
Whose dog is this?
Uh, me.
They're mine, Your Honor.
The dogs work for you, too?
Only two of them.
The other four are visiting.
I want quiet in this courtroom!
I don't expect to get it,
but let's go for it anyway.
- Quiet! Quiet, please! Quiet!
Will somebody tell me
what happened? Please.
- Uh, me, me, Mr. Honor.
- No!
My name is Aurora De La Hoya. I'm
the cook for Mr. and Mrs. Parks.
- I come back
to work this morning.
- I was in the hospital.
I had to get my feet scraped.
She had to have
her feet scraped.
Please. Order, please.
Mrs. Parks, would you please
remove this dog.
He's dribbling on my briefs.
Oh! Excuse me.
- BAILIFF: Quiet! Quiet!
- Come on, Hamlet. Let's go.
Please, will you
keep them quiet.
Are you listening to me?
- Oh, I'm sorry. Continue.
- Okay.
- All right continue.
- Anyway I go to the bank this morning
- to get the money to feed all these dogs
- Wait a minute
And all of a sudden
these two gringos
grabs me outside and say,
"Hey, you!
We're gonna rob a bank, lady."
I get so scared,
I can't think how to scream
"Help" in English.
But inside the car,
the doggies see they had got me,
and they get worried, because
if something happens to Aurora
they don't get their hamburger tonight.
You understand?
So the doggies jump out
and grab the gringos and
chew them all up into pieces.
Your Honor. Your Honor?
My client just told me
that these are men who kidnapped him
and forced him to rob the bank.
And were apprehended by your
cook and six of your own dogs?
Only two of the dogs
are ours, sir.
The other four acted
on their own responsibility.
Order, please.
I assume from these statements that these
gentlemen here are willing to plea-bargain
in return for admitting the innocence of
Mr. Gardenia. Is that correct, gentlemen?
Yeah. And, you know,
man, yeah.
Well said.
Well spoken, Bee Gee.
So, apparently, we've cleared
everything up.
And all before lunch. Oh, I love
things when they zip along.
Case dismissed.
Court's adjourned
until 2:00 p.m.
- All right, all right.
That's enough now.
You keep away from my wife,
keep away from my house.
Keep away from my car, my tuxedo,
my chicken and especially my bed.
If I look under there and even
see a pair of slippers,
I'm gonna shoot first
and try them on after.
Come on, honey.
Ira, I'm sorry I'm late.
Somebody stole my car.
NICHOLAS: Glenda.
Can I have just
one minute with you?
Just one minute, Ira.
Time it.
- You wouldn't.
- You couldn't.
What if I said, "The hell with trying
to change."? What if I said
"I'm still nuts about you."?
What if I didn't say anything
and grabbed you and ran?
I I probably wouldn't do
anything for a couple of weeks.
And then I'd come to my senses
and run back to Ira.
I love him, Nick.
We have respect for each other
and regard and esteem.
I love the way your eyes
curl up when you look at me.
I'm sorry. Regard, esteem
And he's sweet and gentle.
And he's very sexy.
Very sexy?
Extremely sexy.
Extremely?
Enormously sexy.
He's one of the sexiest men
I've ever met
Well, look, I gotta be
running along, uh,
I'm kind of busy.
Very happy for you, Glenda.
Thank you, Nick.
Would you mind if I give
you a small kiss goodbye?
No, I'd like that very much.
Think Ira would mind?
Probably.
Think we should ask him?
Probably.
Yo, Ira.
Is it okay if I
kiss her goodbye?
No.
Just one little kiss.
Time it.
Well
Bye, Nick.
Bye, Glen.
So long, Ira. You take
good care of our girl.
Ira, let's get away.
Let's take a vacation.
Just the two of us.
I think we need time away
from work and careers.
Time to get to
know each other again.
Sounds good to me.
Let's just get in the car
and drive.
As long as there's no phones.
- No dogs.
- No dogs.
GLENDA: And no-one else in the
world who knows where we are.
Well, you got your wish.
No one in the world
knows where we are,
including us.
Maybe we should ask if
there's a motel around here.
Good idea.
Is there a motel around here?
Ira!
- GLENDA: Don't hit him!
BOTH: Oh!
Honey Ira
Honey, are you all right?
I'm all right.
Why is it always animals?
- Honey
- Oh, my leg! I think my leg's broken.
- I'm fine.
Okay.
- Yeah.
No, don't, don't.
Just go get some help.
- I don't wanna leave you.
- No, leave me.
- Go to a telephone quick. It's okay.
- All right.
- All right. I'll be right back.
- Okay.
- I'll be back as soon as I can.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Go away. Go away.
Go home. Go home!
Oh, God! Oh
Oh
Oh Oh!
Oh.
Oh, thank God!
- Help!
Help! Is anybody home?
There's been an accident!
- GLENDA: Help! Help!
Help!
I need help!