# Baby, who wants to love me sexy? #
# Baby, who's ready to lick me sexy? #
# Baby, we're naked
and we're humpin' sexy #
# Love me sexy! #
# Come on, girl. Yeah #
# It's me, Jackie Moon #
# Give me that look, that's right #
# Let's get sweaty,
let's get real sweaty #
# I'm talkin' rainforest sweaty #
# I'm talkin' swamp sweaty #
# Let's fill the bathtub full of sweat,
all right #
# Baby, who wants to love me sexy? #
# Baby are you ready to lick me sexy? #
# Baby, wake up, we're naked #
# And we're humpin' sexy #
# Come on, girl #
# Baby, who wants to love me sexy? #
# Love me sexy #
# Baby, are you ready
to lick me sexy? #
# Lick me sexy #
# Take off your shoes
and suck me sexy #
# Suck, suck,
suck, suck, suck me sexy #
# Baby, we're naked
and we're humpin' sexy #
- # Whoo! #
- # Humpin' sexy #
# I wanna do a little thing wit' you #
# I wanna do a little thing
wit' you #
# When I say "love me"
you say "sexy" #
# Love me #
- Sexy.
- Oh, yeah, Flint Tropics crowd!
Get it goin'.
It feels good, doesn't it?
I see some ladies up there
who wanna love me sexy.
Jackie Moon soaking up
a robust round of applause...
as he finishes up his
once-popular song, Love Me Sexy.
I'm Dick Pepperfield joined,
as always...
by former Tropics forward
Lou Redwood.
Yeah, I might suit up tonight.
Sometimes I still dream of glory, Dick.
Well, sometimes dreams
can turn into nightmares, Lou.
What's your problem?
And now, the starting lineup...
for your Flint, Michigan Tropics!
At Ball Girl, measuring 34-23-34...
she hopes to be
an astronaut one day...
I don't think she can do it.
Put your hands together for Melinda!
Go Tropics!
From South Bend, Indiana...
this guy has a heart of gold,
his brother's a retard.
He reads to him
and paints him pretty pictures...
Scootsie Doubleday!
Scootsie Doubleday
taking the court now.
Yeah, his brother
is really retarded.
Ronnie Doubleday.
He has all three
major kinds of retardation.
This guy is single
and disease-free, no V.D. at all...
but you could be the lucky girl
to give it to him!
Six foot five!
Twiggy Munson!
Of course he's disease-free.
What chick wants to be with a guy
that's hung like a twig?
Well, that's not true.
I've heard a lot of women say...
that they actually prefer a small penis.
Show me one gal who says that
and I'll show you a liar.
I'll introduce you to
Mrs. Pepperfield later on tonight.
Oh, Jesus, here we go.
Your man in the middle...
seven foot two...
from a weird country called Lithuania.
He's ugly as shit.
- Vakidis!
- Go, daddy!
- This fella scares me.
- Yeah!
That little kid from the Jackson Five,
he scares ya too.
Oh, mark my words, Lou...
there's something creepy
about that young man.
Bobby Dee, where's Clarence?
- Nobody's heard from him.
- Come on, Tropics!
Bee Bee!
You're startin'.
From Peoria, Illinois...
this guy,
what can I say about him?
He's got the hottest girl in the world,
I'm not kiddin'.
Cannons, people.
Big ol' boobies.
The luckiest man in Flint...
Bee Bee Ellis!
Well, it's true about
what they say about Bee Bee's wife.
She has got a tremendous set of boobs.
To me, they're too large.
Oh, they're perfect.
I don't know, they... To me
she looks structurally unsound.
And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for.
At six foot five,
a solid, meaty 215 pounds...
your pregame announcer,
your owner, your coach...
your pop singing sensation,
but most importantly...
your power forward...
yours truly, Jackie Moon!
All right!
Jackie Moon
always gives himself...
a fantastic introduction.
- Yeah, why not, Dick?
- Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
It's his team, his money and
his tunnel of beautiful ball girls.
Oh, speaking of money, Lou,
did you get paid this week?
No.
You lose weight, Father Pat?
Fuck off, Jackie.
All right, guys, huddle up.
Vakidis!
What is he doin'?
You know what? Fuck it.
Listen, I promised these fans
a show tonight, all right?
Twiggy, if you get a dunk tonight
try to break that backboard, all right?
- We'll get that on the news.
- All right.
Let's bring it in,
it's showtime, right? Let's get...
Tropical!
Go Tropics!
Right here, right here, right here!
I don't like it.
Back! Back!
Clear!
Yep, that feels good. That feels...
- Danny, what are ya doin'?
- Nothin'. Eatin' nachos.
You get 'em from the concession stand?
- Nah, I brought 'em from home.
- What?
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, come on!
- What?
- Travel!
He brought nachos from home.
Tryin' to run a business here.
- You can't call that.
- Jackie, you gotta dribble...
if you're gonna move.
What are you talkin' about?
- Basketball rules.
- Fine.
I got season tickets.
I can do whatever the hell I want.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I can do this.
And this.
And that!
Let's go, Trops!
We are well underway
and the big question, Lou...
where is Tropics' leading scorer,
Clarence "Downtown" Malone?
I agree, it's completely
unprofessional, Dick.
Lou, can I ask you
to please put out your cigarette?
No, I like to smoke when I drink.
All right, fans, let's hear it for
"Downtown Funky Stuff" Malone!
Go Clarence!
That's my son.
Downtown wastes no time
tagging out Bee Bee Ellis...
and Munson passes him the ball
immediately.
Downtown dribbles the ball through
his legs... I love it when he does that.
He's making mincemeat
of his defender here.
Downtown!
If you want it!
If you... Only if you want it!
You don't want it, I can feel it.
You don't want it, OK.
That's right, Nets.
You're not gonna stop it.
Believe me, we don't stop it in practice.
- Let's do it!
- Come on, come on, come on!
- Go!
- You got it.
He tosses a three...
And, yes!
- Wow! That was quite a shot.
- Pounce!
Yeah!
At halftime, it's the Nets 62...
Flint Tropics 43.
All right, everybody,
let's hear it for Tropical time...
and let's hear it for Busch Bavarian.
If you're gonna drink a beer, you
might as well make it Busch Bavarian.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I want you to welcome this man...
who's gonna attempt the impossible...
the $10,000 free throw...
from the other side of the court.
The Moon shot.
- Right on.
- All right. Tell everybody...
- what's your name?
- Dukes.
- All right, Dukes.
- Dukes!
- Dukes, where ya from?
- Flint, Michigan...
and I never missed a game!
Go!
Dukes is homegrown.
I think you're on a little somethin'
that's homegrown maybe, huh?
We're havin' fun.
Dukes, what do you do for a livin'?
Nothin' right now.
OK.
Layin' low.
Dukes is excited!
So am I.
Come on, let's go, people.
Let's get it goin'.
Cheer this guy on
as he prepares for the impossible.
Well, we've got
an especially dirty hippie here...
down on the court tryin' to sink
an impossible shot.
This is human drama at its best.
He's just focusing, taking a moment
to concentrate. That's OK.
Concentrate all you want.
- Come on, Dukes!
- All right.
- No!
- Yes!
Holy shit, I'm a miracle!
Yeah!
Father Pat, he stepped on the line.
He stepped on it.
- No, no, it was legal.
- No, no...
he stepped on the line,
You were lookin' at it. Come on.
Jackie, he made the shot.
Who the hell has $10,000?
Relax, the beer company'll pay him.
They're not really a sponsor,
it just sounded professional.
Look at this guy. He's so hopped up
on goofballs and grass...
he's got no idea what's going on.
Holy crap.
Tropical!
Hey, congratulations to Dukes!
He just won a giant check
that says $10,000.
Cool!
Look at the size of that thing!
Go have yourself a ball!
Second half, comin' up next!
Damn it!
- # Hi #
- # Hello #
# Get the funk outta my face #
# Get the funk
outta my face #
# Get the funk outta my face #
# Get the funk outta my face #
# You don't like my music
You don't have to use it #
# Funking is a thing
that all of us release #
# You don't have to get it #
# All you do is let it #
# Then you'll know
exactly how to groove #
#... More, more, more #
# Now he's back home doing 9 to 5 #
# Living his gray flannel life #
- Hey, Jackie.
- Hey, guys, everything good?
- Keep the drinks flowin'.
- You got it.
# More, more, more #
# Gitchi, gitchi, ya ya da da da #
You're a sexy town, Flint.
Look at you, I love it.
I swear, if this Plexiglass
wasn't dividing us right now...
I'd make sweet, tender,
slow, hot love...
to each one of you,
that's a guarantee.
# Baby, who wants to love me sexy? #
# Love me sexy #
# Baby, are you ready to lick... #
- #... me sexy? #
- I'm tellin' ya, man...
that's the word on the street
and the shit is messed up.
It's a dang shame.
I can't go back to working
at that car wash. No.
I know there's some team out there
that can use the services of...
"Downtown Funky Stuff" Malone,
you hear me?
I dig you, brother, but I heard
the problem ain't just here in Flint.
It's the whole league that's goin' under.
Hey, guys, what's shakin'?
What's shakin'?
Whole league goin' down...
- that's what's shaking.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.
I don't know who you're talkin' to
but business is boomin'.
Jackie, come on, man, it's us.
You ain't got to jive us, man.
I'm not jivin' you.
I've never jived you my whole life.
Jackie, come on, you're jivin' us now
by sayin' you don't be jivin' us.
OK, well, this time I'm tellin' the truth.
Right.
Now if I give you the lowdown on
somethin', can you keep a secret?
- Yeah.
- Course.
Tomorrow mornin', I'm drivin'
to Indianapolis for a league meeting...
possibly talking...
- merger.
- A merger?
Flint Tropics in the NBA.
- The NBA?
- Us mergin'?
I'm Jackie Moon,
I take care of you guys, right?
I mean, you can just think of me
as Bambi's mother.
I make sure nothing
bad'll happen to you.
Drink up, this is a big night.
- Hey, drinks on me.
- Big night.
Bambi's mother got shot, right?
Yeah, first scene.
I remember that the credits
were still rollin' and everything.
Who the fuck is Bambi?
Merger. Merger.
Merger.
Jackie Moon. Jackie Moon.
America.
Let's go.
Let's do this.
Don't worry, Mom,
I won't let you down.
I'll keep this team alive.
And our TV stations are complaining
about all the fighting.
Let's try to keep the fights in the tunnel
or out in the parking lot.
We have one more
piece of business to go over.
I'm sure you've all heard the rumors,
and they are true...
the ABA will be merging
with the NBA...
at the end of this season.
Yes. Yes.
I did it.
I'm a real owner.
- Please, Jackie, let go.
- I did it.
All right, let's...
not get too excited.
Yes!
Give me ten, Norton!
Everyone can eat shit!
A big bag of shit!
I'm the greatest man in the world!
The NBA has agreed
to our financial demands...
- but there is something else...
- You were right, Mom.
Destiny.
I'm so happy
I can't even feel my arms!
OK, Jackie, listen to me. Jackie?
- Hey, Jackie?
- Yes?
Four teams will be absorbed
into the NBA next year.
The rest of the league
will terminate operations.
Exactly. You know it.
Wait.
Wait, what did you say?
The Nets, the Spurs,
the Pacers and the Nuggets...
are gonna play in the NBA next season.
- The rest of us are gonna dissolve.
- Dissolve?
What's "dissolve"?
Is that even a word?
Yes, it is a word...
and financially it means
you'll cease to exist.
Let's don't get emotional about it.
Just...
No!
No!
OK.
All right, you're being...
Well, Jackie. Jackie...
You... Don't bite yourself.
Come on.
Jackie, we agreed to a very large sum.
I don't want a large sum, OK?
I want my team.
Come on, you guys...
you're not gonna just sit there
and take the money, are you? Huh?
What do the Nets have
that I don't have?!
The Nets have a huge fan base.
They got a brand-new stadium.
Solid economic growth package
with great tax incentives.
Come on, Alan, that's bullshit!
The NBA's gonna
take four teams, Jackie.
This is a good deal.
Best four teams should go.
He's right.
The season isn't over yet.
Hey, you know what? Yeah,
everybody should have a chance.
That's the fairest way.
Aw, gee whiz...
that sounds like so much fun...
fair and all.
But come on, guys...
I mean, look at what
we're dealing with here.
This guy plays power forward
for his own team, so...
But he has a point.
Why not make the terms of
a merger performance-based.
- Exactly.
- Huh?
- What he just said.
- Yeah.
I move we vote
on the terms of the merger.
- I second.
- And what he... what that guy said.
But... What both those guys said.
God damn it, Bob! I'm about to reach
over there and tear you a new asshole!
Don't be a jackass.
- It makes sense.
- Fuck you, Bob! We talked this out!
I don't see a need
for that kinda language.
Now, if you wanna go outside
right now...
I'll take both of you fuckers out
right damn now!
We're not gonna fight,
we're gonna vote!
- Let's vote!
- Let's vote...
and then we'll fight!
Come on, guys...
you should be juiced right now.
This is a chance to become
a real NBA franchise.
Man, get outta town.
Ain't no way in Sam Hill
we gonna make it to fourth place.
- Nope.
- Yeah, Jackie...
we have a horseshit record right now.
Yeah, well, we just need to start
hittin' our threes, OK?
That's not the problem, Jackie.
The problem is...
we suck.
Scootsie, you did not deserve that.
- I know.
- I apologize.
Stop that shit, man.
We do not suck, OK?
I been doin' a lot of thinkin'.
Decided to add someone to our team
to add some real firepower, OK?
I think this guy
could give us a new spark.
Now, don't get mad.
- At point guard...
- At point guard?
...five-ten...
I traded away our
washing machine to get him.
He punches in bunches.
Ed Monix!
Toilet's clogged.
Hell, no.
You traded for Monix?
Yeah.
This guy's an old warrior, come on.
Yeah, he old.
He can shoot the basketball.
Most importantly,
he actually agreed to come here.
So?
It's a thrill to be in Flint.
Smells Tropical in here.
Now, look, I know
just about everyone...
in this locker room has been
punched in the face by this guy...
at some point in time.
And maybe even one of us has...
had his collarbone broken... twice.
Sorry, Twig.
Thanks, Ed.
Hey, how are your mom and sister?
It's been about 12 weeks
since I porked 'em.
Let's not talk about porking
of the moms and the sisters...
because we only have
one rule on this team.
What is that rule, Twiggy?
E-L-E.
That's right, E-L-E.
And what does "E-L-E" stand for?
"Everybody Love Everybody".
"Everybody Love Everybody".
Right there up on the wall.
Got that, Monix?
- Nope.
- Great.
'Cause this isn't just
a basketball team...
this is a lifestyle.
Welcome aboard, Monix.
Thank you.
Good to be here.
All right.
Oh, if you see a possum...
try to kill it, OK?
It's not a pet.
Welcome back to Tropics Weekly.
The ABA has announced...
that the top four teams will merge
with the NBA after this season.
Seizing the opportunity...
owner/player/coach Jackie Moon
has already made the first move...
acquiring Ed Monix
from the Kentucky Colonels.
Yeah!
I'm a pretty aggressive owner.
When I heard Kentucky needed
a washing machine, I looked at ours...
even though we need ours.
I said, "I gotta pull the trigger on this."
- Hey, honey!
- It seemed appropriate.
- Guess who got traded to Flint?
- Who?
Monix!
Why the hell would he
want to come to Flint?
I have no idea.
Who cares, right? I mean...
He's got an NBA ring
and he's playing for the Tropics.
Can you believe that?
No, I can't.
I'll get it.
It's like, if you watch a porn movie,
doesn't mean you got laid.
No, no. In fact,
it often means the opposite.
Monix was an All-American
at Michigan State...
then went on to...
- Hey.
- Hey.
You look great.
Why are you here?
Got traded. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, why are you here?
Can we talk?
- Monix!
- Hey.
- What's up?
- Yeah.
That ol' jump shot of yours
ain't broke yet, is it?
Not yet.
Man... hey!
Great backdoor cut...
for the lay-up against the Amigos
last Friday night, man.
Yeah. That's the way
basketball should be played!
- Yeah.
- Up there.
- Yeah...
- Too slow!
Hey, can you give us
a second, please?
- Yeah, no problem.
- Thanks, Kyle.
You're his favorite player.
I'd feel more comfortable
if he hated me.
Listen, I hope you didn't agree
to this trade because of me.
What if I did?
Then you'd be stuck
in Flint, Michigan for no reason.
You know what?
You said you wanted to leave basketball
at the top of your game.
When are you gonna quit?
I'm at the top of my game.
I'm very close to the top.
I just got traded for a fuckin' washing
machine. What am I talkin' about?
Good night, Ed.
Thanks for the pep talk.
Ed Monix is a tenacious defender,
and he can hit the big shots.
- When he's not drunk.
- Which is never.
Look, there's nothing in the rulebook
that says you can't play drunk.
No, actually, there is.
Remember those 30 rebounds
against San Diego?
Yeah.
- I don't remember 'em.
- Oh, no.
- Amaretto stone sours.
- Yes.
- I will never believe that.
- All game long.
- No way.
- I mixed 'em!
- Doesn't leave the table.
- Yeah.
Look, guys, you ain't gotta worry.
'Cause tomorrow when I get this cast
taken off, I'll be back on the team...
and I will be rainin' down some threes!
Cornelius, you're a good friend,
but that arm hasn't properly healed...
and I've told you 100 times
you're never gonna play for the Tropics.
You're a terrible athlete.
Come on, man! I'm a excellent athlete.
Look, I broke this arm playin' for you.
No, you broke it
playing with me in the driveway.
You can't even make a lay-up.
I'm an injured player, man.
I should be on the bench.
No, you're not on the team.
Well, in my fantasy life,
I'm on the team.
Well, let's just keep it that way, right?
My God. What the fuck is that?
It's incredible.
It's called fondue.
- Fon what?
- Fondue.
Three different cheeses, melted.
That's what you're tasting.
Gorgonzola, muenster and cottage.
It's the latest thing
from Sweden, apparently.
Well, I'm not surprised by that.
The Swedes are so inventive, aren't they?
- They are.
- Yep.
They are my favorite producers
of pornography.
They make an excellent fuck picture.
Well, I think I'll excuse myself
from this conversation right now.
- To the men's room.
- Stop it!
To make your wiener sing.
Boner machine.
I am not a boner machine, now.
Swedish porn saved my life in 'Nam.
- OK.
- Great, here we go.
- C'mon! Fuck you guys!
- Let me get my violin.
Swedish porn was the only thing...
that kept my mind off Charlie
when I was in the shit.
Is the shit in Ann Arbor? 'Cause
that's where you were during the war.
- He really believes it.
- You were never in 'Nam...
- Nope.
...you jive turkey.
You just call me a jive turkey?
No. No, he did not.
- He called you cocksucker.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Right, Cornelius?
Yeah, yeah.
I just called you cocksucker.
I'm pretty sure that
you called me a jive turkey.
No, no. Now, Lou,
nobody called anyone a JT.
Jive turkey is a little over the line,
my man!
Look, we're all here.
We all heard what was said
and we're in agreement.
- Cornelius said cocksucker.
- Yes.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- He just said you suck cock.
- That's all he said about you.
Now, come on. Dig into that fondue,
you little cocksucker.
- We like playing games, don't we?
- We do, we're playing one right now!
I'm gonna show you guys
this game that I learned...
- when I was in fucking 'Nam!
- No, no, no, no!
Lou. Lou.
Who's the jive turkey now?
Gun's not loaded!
- You son of a bitch!
- It's not loaded!
It's not loaded!
You shoulda seen your goddamn face!
There's no bullets in there!
I never load it!
The gun was not loaded.
I'll see you fuckers in hell!
Jackie, Love Me Sexy
is the worst song I've ever heard.
Watch this! I did call you jive turkey.
He did!
I got one. Hey, Lou, I know
you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield!
We're saying nutty things
'cause they're not true.
- My! Yeah.
- Especially that. More than the rest.
- He's jonesing you.
- It never happened.
- Hey. Bond.
- She's not ugly.
- James Bond.
- There it is.
- How do you like your martini, sir?
- Stirred, in a half-carafe.
- He shoots himself.
- He shoots himself in the wiener.
- Everybody OK?
- I think so.
- Yeah.
- I'm fine.
We just literally dodged a bullet.
We sure did!
- We certainly...
- Except for Cornelius.
I did get shot!
- My God.
- Wow!
# Mr. Big Stuff #
# Who do you think you are? #
# Mr. Big Stuff #
# You're never gonna get my love #
# Now because you wear #
Vakidis, open the window, will ya?
Yes, right on.
Did you give Bobby Dee a hand job?
Yes, right on.
Hey, Monix...
what were the Celtics like?
Well, they were fast.
Fast? Man. Clarence should play
for the Celtics, then. That boy can fly.
Downtown,
that's all he ever talk about.
"I'm goin' to the NBA, I'm goin'
to the NBA." Every day he say that.
No, I don't.
Why don't you just shut up, man?
Say, Monix, why don't you let us
see that championship ring, man?
Don't think nobody here
ever seen a championship ring before.
- All right.
- Yes, sir.
- Yes!
- Yo, man, let me see it!
Holy balls.
My God, look at this right here.
"Champion" in sparkling gold.
Man, why are you wearing that
on your neck?
If I had a ring like that,
I'd have it on my finger every day...
so the honeys could see it.
I'm not quite as flashy as you.
I just like wearing it
around my neck, that's all.
- That's cool, man.
- I hear that.
He should be embarrassed.
Embarrassed?
He sat through every playoff game.
Then he gonna walk around us
with all the shine...
like he some kind of hero or somethin'.
Come on, Clarence.
You're just actin' jealous.
Whatever. I ain't never rode the bench
and then go call myself a champion.
Somebody need to snatch that ring
off his sorry neck.
- You wanna snatch it? Come on.
- l...
- Be my guest.
- I don't think your knees can take it.
Hey! Hey, I got a ring up here too.
Mine says love.
Think about that.
Everybody love everybody!
Come on!
Eleven more hours to go.
This way, this way.
Let's go, Tropics. Keep it alive.
Keep it alive, right here!
Throw it in the blender.
No! Changed my mind.
Right back, though.
- OK. OK.
- Right back to you. Give it back again!
- You got it.
- No, right back.
- No?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Sure?
- Yeah. Right back. Come on, now. No.
Right back, reset.
Throw it to Papa.
- No, right back out.
- All right.
- Right back. Right back.
- Here you go, Jackie.
- Back to you. Right back, though.
- You're right. OK.
Shoot!
- All right, right on.
- Clear. Yeah.
- You ready?
- No, right back.
- No?
- Yeah. OK, clear.
- All right, I'm goin'.
- My turn.
Yeah, I'll bet my alleged son
he won't make this.
Jackie Moon finally making a move...
- and it is worth the wait!
- All day long!
- Traveling!
- No, no, no, no! One and a half steps!
- Come on, Jackie. You walked.
- Suck my cock! I'll murder your family!
- You're gone, Jackie Moon!
- What? What?
Jackie Moon is ejected from the game.
- What did I say?
- You said, "S my C."
And one lucky fan
will go home with a game ball.
That's your head next time.
You're a big baby, Jackie.
You cannot tell me to S my C.
Jackie Moon and the referee
really going at it here.
- I didn't say anything.
- You said, "S my C."
- I barely raised my voice.
- I should call your mother.
You need a phone to heaven to do that.
- Maybe your ma didn't go to heaven.
- Oh, dear.
Oh, my. Oh, no.
OK. Everyone off the floor.
Let's go. Tropics, let's go.
Why... No, Jackie.
It appears a line has been crossed
by Father Pat of all people.
- Look, Jackie, I'm sorry.
- Stop the broadcast.
Jackie Moon is pulling his team
off the court.
You forfeit this game, Jackie,
if you keep walking.
- That's fine.
- You threatened to kill my family!
God damn it, Pat.
What the hell's wrong with you?
Don't get on your high horse, Redwood.
Thank you, Dick, for staying.
And that will do it from St. Louis,
where the score is inconclusive.
Good night.
- Dick.
- That's it.
We go to church together.
Not anymore.
# Hey, Flint Tropics, welcome back,
give the Amigos a heart attack #
I tried, Jackie.
They won't take it.
Look, I don't know
what your bank is telling you.
This is a real check.
I signed it myself.
It's written in glitter, man.
Can't you just, you know, like,
write me a regular-size check?
Maybe you should try a different bank.
A big bank.
- Bigger bank?
- That has a big check department.
- That's what I'd do.
- OK.
- Right? All right.
- Yeah.
Scootsie, he is takin' you to town!
Get him, Twig. C'mon!
There we go.
- All right, guys. Hey, listen up.
- Hey, hey.
Let's go. Eyes up here.
Turn that contraption off. Come on.
Look, just got off the phone
with the Commissioner.
He convinced the board
to pass another merger rule.
We gotta average 2,000 fans per
home game for the rest of the season.
- Two thou every home game?
- Damn. What?
Commissioner says they're not gonna
take a franchise that doesn't have fans.
- He's being a real dick.
- Good Lord, Jackie Moon.
Winning these games is gonna be hard,
but 2,000 fans? Impossible, man.
It's OK, Scootsie.
'Cause I got a plan. All right?
Now, you all know
we're the ABA game of the week, right?
Could be a lot of television cameras
out there, so we just gotta be tiptop.
So, what's the plan?
I brought a secret weapon.
It's gonna make us
look extra cool on TV.
What the hell is that?
It's eyeliner, dummy.
Now who's first? Monix?
Yeah. Just let me get a fresh Maxi Pad
out of my purse.
Looks like Jackie Moon has brought a
trick from Broadway to the court tonight.
Trap, trap, trap, trap, trap.
Point of no return.
Go back. Go back.
Horse in the trailer.
Nowhere to go.
Hey. Look at my eyes.
No, look at my eyes.
Are you scared? Tropical storm.
Eye of the hurricane.
I'm gonna hypnotize you.
I'm not gonna blink. I'm not gonna blink.
- Look at me.
- Where you goin'? Where you goin'?
Jackie tips the ball away.
Twiggy picks it up and takes it in.
- Two points, Tropics.
- Way to go, Twiggy!
Make sure the camera gets your eyes!
- This team is on fire early in the game.
- They're flamin', all right.
Nice lay-up.
Nice lay-up, Twiggy.
- Who's got character now?
- My confidence is sky-high right now.
What's with Vakidis?
What the hell's wrong with Vakidis?
Shit! Your eyeliner's running.
Yeah. Yours is kinda smoky too.
All right, everyone.
Try not to sweat if you can.
Hell, no. This shit
burnin' already, man.
- Yeah, it kinda is.
- Goddamn.
I'm going to the bench, man. Move!
- What's happening?
- Shit!
The Tropics seem to be
disabled in some way.
God, it burns.
Do they test this on animals
or is that just a lie?
Feels like I got cat piss in my eyes!
Just open your eyes with your fingers,
guys. It's really nice.
Cock sandwich, that hurts!
- Fuckin' idiots.
- That feels really good.
Monix, where's your makeup, buddy?
Hey, how come it says Monix on
your jersey when your name's Pussy?
- I was curious about this...
- Fuck you, Petrelli.
- Hey, hey, Monix!
- Get your hands off me!
- Get back here! You little bitch!
- We're on TV!
- I don't give a shit!
- Commissioner's watching.
- You wanna kill the merger? C'mon.
- Everybody relax.
Looks like a little gentleman's
disagreement on the court. Nothing big.
No, these girls aren't gonna fight.
No, but a little bit of a delay
in play for a moment here.
What about during commercial?
Yeah, I like it. Yeah, it's good.
- Father Pat, timeout.
- Timeout, white!
It's a timeout on the floor, with 9 minutes
and 16 seconds left in the first.
The Tropics two, the Amigos six.
And we'll be right back
after these messages from Shasta.
And, clear.
Somebody hit somebody!
Here we go.
- Come on!
- Get him!
This is a good old-fashioned
bare-fisted brawl here on the court.
My goodness.
Look at the Russian bear go.
Throwing people around like rag dolls.
# Why can't we be friends?
Why can't we be friends? #
Look at Monix take it to Petrelli. I wish
the people at home could see this.
I could hurt someone.
New Red Apple Soda with a great taste
and tingle they're still looking for.
# Why can't we be friends? #
# Why can't we be friends? #
- # Why can't we be friends? #
- Get him! Get him!
# Why can't we be friends?
Why can't we be friends? #
Honestly, Dick, I could watch this all day.
This is terr... Look at Father Pat!
Father Pat is getting
the worst of a lot of this.
Stop!
- # Why can't we be friends? #
- And we're back in three...
- # Why can't we be friends? #
...two, one...
Welcome back
to your ABA game of the week.
I'll tell you, the spirit
and camaraderie of this league...
is on full display here tonight, Lou.
Yeah, yeah, you got that right, Dick.
Lou!
Come on, Jack! They won't come back
in here no more!
- Then I just kicked him!
- Man.
- Still got it, J.
- Now, that is how you play basketball.
- That's right.
- You hear those fans? They loved it!
- Man!
- Right on.
Monix, you got Petrelli's ass!
I mean, I was out there grabbin' balls.
I think I grabbed some of your guys' balls.
Damn!
- That was you on my nuts?
- Yeah.
You got the softest hands in the world.
All right, this is what we do.
Tae kwon do sessions every practice.
In fact, we don't need...
Does anybody here wanna talk
about the fucking game?
God, this guy's a bummer.
Did anyone look at the scoreboard?
How about we run some plays
in the second half, Jackie?
Look, Monix, I'm not an X's and O's guy,
right? I'm not a tactician.
I'm a motivator
in the classic sense of the word.
You know, Lombardi,
Charles Lindbergh...
that nun over in India, like those people.
I get people to do great things!
And we just had an incredible,
team-unifying moment...
by punching other guys in the face.
And it felt good...
and now we're gonna continue that
on the court in the second half...
with baskets, though.
We need a game plan, Jackie.
So he the expert. He should know.
He done seen the game
from every angle...
- sittin' on the bench.
- Damn!
Hey, guess what? The Celtics weren't
just all-stars, they were a team. A team!
As opposed to a bunch of selfish
assholes tryin' to look cool every night.
I mean, call us what you want to...
but we ain't never sat around
and pretended like we some champions.
Yeah, you got a little ring and all,
but you personally, you ain't won shit.
Clarence, I want you to have this ring...
as a token
of what you will never achieve.
Champion or not,
at least I played the game.
And I got news for you, Clarence...
for all your flash,
you are never gonna play in the NBA.
You are pissing your career away.
And one day,
you're gonna look back on your life...
and you're gonna realize that you never
even learned how to play basketball.
Jeez!
What the hell?
Shit.
Get your hands in the air.
Monix, bail's been set.
Lynn, can I ask you a favor?
You mean besides
bailing your ass outta jail?
Lynn, no one can drain it like you.
I think I drained all I can out of there.
- That hurt?
- Not really.
- How about that?
- Yeah.
Good.
Listen. This is long overdue,
but I wanna apologize.
For what?
For, you know, back then
we had some problems.
Did you wanna apologize
for cheating on me?
Twice.
Hey, I cheated on you once.
There just happened
to be two girls there.
- Still not funny?
- Still not funny.
And where's the necklace I made you?
Monix, it was the high point
of your career.
I didn't deserve that ring, Lynn.
I hardly played.
I was never the guy to hit the big shot.
Wanna know why
things didn't work out between us?
Yeah.
You hate yourself so much
it's impossible to love you.
Kinda brutally honest.
Did we have some fun?
You're kind of fun.
Didn't we?
Sometimes.
- What are you doing?
- There he is.
- Been lookin' all over for you.
- Like it. Sweaty.
See ya later, Ed. 'Scuse me, guys.
Excused.
Doin' your girl in the locker room?
Classy.
- What are you guys doin' here?
- We want you to coach the team.
- What?
- You know the game better than Jackie.
I'm flattered, but I don't think
Jackie would be too happy about this.
Come on, don't worry about Jackie.
I mean, I got this.
OK, Tropics, hustle up.
Five, six, seven, eight.
One and two and three and four,
and turn like you mean it.
Arch that back, Bee Bee.
I like it. Good rotation.
Beautiful, seahorses.
Leg kick, Scootsie.
Nice! And freeze it.
And then we start the game.
Now, when I say freeze it...
you guys gotta freeze it, OK?
- Hey!
- Hey.
You're back. All right.
We got a extra costume
right over there for you.
I'm not here to do whatever this is.
What is this?
What is this? Come on, man,
this is the future of basketball, OK?
This is entertainment.
You'll get it. You'll catch on.
Look, Jackie. Now, don't get mad,
but some of us got together...
and we aksed old Monix
if he'd teach us a little bit.
Wait, what do you mean, teach us?
I teach you guys things.
Like expert choreography and stuff.
No.
We wanna give Monix
a chance to coach, Coach.
What's goin' on here?
What is this?
Clarence?
This is a mutiny.
You guys all in on this?
You motherfuckin' cocksuckers.
All of you.
I have dedicated my life
to this team, OK?
I have given you guys my soul!
I mean, who bought you
those boots last Halloween?
That would be you, Coach.
You bought us those boots.
I bought 'em!
I really liked them boots.
They were nice.
They're really nice boots.
Yeah, we love ya.
But Monix just knows
the X's and O's, baby. That's all.
Come on, come on,
don't turn your back on us.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Listen.
How about this, I'll be the offensive
and defensive coordinator...
and you can still be head coach.
And you're the best promoter.
We gonna need fans, right?
Do you guys really think
I'm a good promoter?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You know you are, man.
- I'm probably the best in the league.
- Yeah, that's what they say.
- Top three.
- Yup.
- Right up there.
- Yeah.
OK.
If we play unselfish, fundamental
basketball, we can make a run at this.
By unselfish, I mean we sprint up
the court on every fast break...
not because we might get a dunk and
get your dick sucked after the game...
but because sprinting might pull
the defense out of position...
Wait, wait, wait, wait. So what's goin' on
with the blow jobs again?
Yeah, 'cause I vote
we keep them blow jobs, Jack.
- Yeah. All in favor?
- Come on, let the man talk.
Thank you, Clarence.
Now, till we start playing
like a real team...
we're gonna practice without the ball.
That's a waste.
OK, let's run the offense!
- Without a ball?
- Yeah, without the ball, Clarence.
Let's go, everybody get in position.
- Patch that ball up, Scootsie.
- Come on! Hustle!
OK, Clarence, flash through the lane.
- Hustle, Clarence!
- Come on, come on.
Ball, ball, ball!
We been runnin'
the same play all day.
Yeah, can we maybe try
play number two?
No! I want you to be brain-dead,
gentlemen!
'Cause someday you're gonna be
too tired or too nervous to think.
And when you are,
this is the play that I'm gonna call.
We need to be able to run
this play in our sleep.
I'm a rover, Coach.
I'm just gonna go rover.
No, don't just go rovin'.
Run the play, Jackie Moon.
I'm creatin' a diversion, though...
- by runnin' in circles over here.
- Don't lose your mind, Jackie Moon.
We are runnin' this until we puke.
- Well, basically, we have.
- Yeah, I'm pretty beat, Coach.
"Until we puke"
is not a figure of speech.
We are literally going to puke.
What does he mean by "literally"?
I wish you were still
a washing machine!
Get up and run, Coach!
You're gonna puke like everybody else!
I can't puke, Monix!
I've never puked in my life, ever!
You're lying to me.
I've been sick before, I've just never
puked. Swear on my mother's grave.
What about when you were a baby?
Babies throw up all the time.
My mom said I never did it. I swear.
She said I was fascinating.
In fact, the local PBS wanted to do
a documentary on me.
Have you ever been punched
in the jejunum?
No, what's a jejunum?
It's part of the small intestine.
I don't think so.
I mean, I've been punched in the armpit
before, and in the wrist twice.
Coccyx, and in the back of the knee.
Both eyes, and I've been punched
right in my tracheal...
Let that out.
Go ahead, Jackie. Just let it go.
Hey, hey, hey.
Get ahold of yourself, Jackie!
Let go! Hold it in, Jackie!
Hold it in!
Get off me, God damn it!
Jackie!
We are seeing a very different Tropics
basketball team than we're used to...
aren't we, Lou?
Playing with a lot of energy
and a lot of confidence.
They're movin' the ball well.
It looks like they're gonna win this game.
The only question is, by how much?
Jangel has the ball now.
My gosh, a loose ball on the court
and Clarence dives for it?
Timeout!
That's something we have not seen
before. And a timeout is called.
Timeout, white!
- Hey. Good playin' out there, Jackie.
- Thanks.
- Way to go, man.
- Yeah.
The crowd is really excited tonight.
They know what's at stake, Dick.
Yup, gettin' their home team
into the NBA.
No, I'm talking about free corn dogs.
That's right.
It's free corn dog night.
Fellas, it's lookin' great.
We're 30 seconds away
from takin' this thing.
Yeah, he's right. Let's try to win,
but not win by too much.
Wait, we don't want to win by too much?
What the hell are you talkin' about?
- Corn dogs.
- What?
See, if we score 125 points...
that mean we gotta give everybody
in here a free corn dog, all right?
Yeah, sorry, Monix.
We don't even got corn dogs.
Corn... I don't care,
we're takin' it to 'em, all right?
Hey, we're up by seven, OK?
Can't we just take it easy?
Run the clock out?
We're talkin' a lot of corn dogs!
I don't give a shit
about the corn dogs, all right?
We play hard every second. We run
the offense. Everybody got that?
- Right on.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got that, Jackie?
- OK, bring us together, man.
- One, two, three.
Let's get Tropical!
OK, it looks like we are going
to return to the game. Monix...
- Hey, Monix.
...has the ball.
You wanna just throw it to me? I can
get it to Clarence. That might be easier.
Jackie, move!
Ball, ball, ball, ball,
ball, ball, ball! Ball!
- Nice, Monix!
- Monix inbounds to Clarence.
OK. Come on, Clarence,
take your time.
Come on, Nets, play some defense.
You wanna go for the double team?
Might be a good time.
Double team, double team.
I won't do anything
if I get the ball, I promise.
He'll go with his right. He loves
his right one. He likes the right hand.
- What are you doin'?
- Clarence drives.
Dishes off to Scootsie.
But look at this, Jackie Moon
blocks his own teammate's shot!
A loose ball on the court,
Vakidis gets it.
No!
God damn it, Vakidis!
Learn fuckin' English!
Corn dogs, Jackie!
Corn dogs for all these people.
The Tropics win,
and this crowd is going crazy.
Crazy for corn dogs.
And Jackie Moon gives us
a victory lap right out the door!
# Get up and dance to the music! #
Now, Scootsie, rotate up top.
Vakidis, flash to the high post.
No, to the high post, Vakidis.
Help him.
Good.
- At guard...
- # Dance to the music #
...formerly known as Clarence Withers...
- and "Downtown Funky Stuff" Malone...
- # Dance to the music #
...and Sugar Dunkerton.
- # Dance to the music #
- He's tryin' out his new name tonight.
Put your hands together for...
- # Dance to the music #
...Coffee Black.
Coffee Black!
# Dance to the music #
# You might like to hear
the horns blowin' #
# Cynthia on the throne, yeah! #
Now let's do it again. Jab.
Swing, back.
Good.
That's it.
# Dance to the music #
# Dance to the music #
# Dance to the music #
Here they come, the Flint Tropics
Ball Girls cheerleading squad,
keeping the crowd energized
through the timeout.
They've just got such big...
- What?
- Hearts.
- Yes.
- Big, bouncy, jiggly hearts.
Well, hearts don't really bounce...
so now I think you're talking
about something else, Lou.
- # Say it! Get up! #
- Yeah!
Downtown brings the ball up forward and
passes to Monix at the top of the key.
Behind his back to Doubleday.
Scootsie goes for the three-pointer...
and it is good!
Are you actually havin' fun out here,
Monix?
Hey, don't tell anybody.
# Dance to the music #
# Dance to the music #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Dance to the music #
Well, if it isn't
the toast of Flint, Michigan.
Shouldn't you be out signing
autographs somewhere or somethin'?
- Will you marry me?
- Shut up.
I'm crazy about you.
You know that.
Do I?
You came to one of our games.
Don't think I didn't see you
hiding in the upper deck.
- So?
- So let's do this, Lynn. You and me.
You know, like back in the day.
You know? I mean not then, because
I was an asshole. Better, right?
For real this time.
I need you.
Yo, Monix!
What's up, man?
Hey, check out the jersey. I'm you!
Yeah.
- Hey, Kyle?
- Yeah.
Can you do me a big favor?
Can you go get me a tube of Bengay?
Are you kidding me?
I'd be honored, man. I'll leave right now.
What do you think you're doing?
- Hey, Kyle?
- Yeah!
Listen, don't... Kyle?
- Yeah!
- Don't go to the pharmacy.
I need one of those big tubes like
you get at Luger's out on Route 59.
I'm already gone, big man!
Hey, Lynn.
Forgot my stupid wallet.
That's it.
Yes.
# Baby, keep on #
# Come on, baby,
keep on doin' it #
# Right on #
# Right on doin' it #
# You got it together #
# Baby, keep on #
# Oh, you got it together, baby #
# Right on #
# Keep on doin' it #
# And I'll give you,
baby, all that I get #
- Kyle.
- # Keep on #
- Fuck!
- Monix!
You old dog.
- What the hell are you doin'?
- Nothin', man.
I'm just sittin' here watching...
and stuff.
I'm outta here.
Come on, man, don't be like that.
It's all cool.
No, man. No, believe me, it's not cool.
I'll call you.
OK.
He was talkin' to me.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen...
Jackie Moon has outdone himself
with this promotion...
as he prepares to jump
over 47 feet of Ball Girls.
- # Rollercoaster #
- # Say, what? #
The fact that Jackie's
never been on roller skates before...
appears to have done nothing
to diminish his confidence.
- # Rollercoaster #
- All right, folks.
Here comes...
- # Rollercoaster #
...Jackie!
Here he comes down the ramp.
- He is airborne!
- Shit!
- No!
- Lord!
- Jackie's up!
- # Rollercoaster! #
- Great job!
- # Rollercoaster! #
And everyone survives!
That was exciting!
- # Of love #
- That's an adrenaline rush.
# Rollercoaster #
Next time I'm gonna jump
even more girls.
- What?
- The Commissioner just called again.
- Commish?
- He's drivin' up here on Monday.
- He's comin' to Flint?
- Yes, he's comin' to Flint.
Shit. Crap.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
You know, Jackie, we need
We can't fake it this time.
We gotta do somethin'.
Look, it's no problem.
I'll take care of it.
Yeah? We've tried everything.
Look, I said I'll handle it, OK?
- I'll think of somethin'.
- All right.
Back in 30 seconds.
- How's your wife doin'?
- She's doing just super.
- She's gorgeous. Yeah.
- Really...
- Thank you, I think. I mean...
- I'd be...
...hands off.
- I'll try.
- OK.
- No guarantees.
Really?
I'd like a guarantee.
Are we back, Chuck?
We're back.
OK. Welcome back
to Tropics Weekly.
I'm joined by owner/player/coach
Jackie Moon.
Jackie, it is always an honor
when you can drop by.
Always enjoy our time together,
Dick Pepper.
Dick Pepperfield, actually.
Now, Jackie...
amazingly, you're two wins away
from getting your team to the NBA.
How do you intend to match up
to the Squires' strong inside game?
It's a great question.
Tomorrow, after the game,
I, Jackie Moon, will wrestle a bear.
Well, that's something...
but defensively, as a team,
how do you...
That's tomorrow night,
one night only...
watch Dewie the Wrestling Bear
attack me...
and he's killed people in public before.
Well, OK, that is some entertainment...
and you are known for
your creative promotions, Jackie, but...
You're not gonna
want to miss this, folks...
and if you're a small child, you creep
into your mama's bedroom at night...
and you lift about 40 bucks...
- outta your mom's purse...
- No, no, no.
...and you walk down to Flint
Fairgrounds Coliseum, eight o'clock!
There ya have it. Jackie Moon,
thanks so much for joining us.
Dewie's insane!
He could rip my head off!
I'm Dick Pepperfield, reminding you
there will be another night.
Good night, Flint.
Jackie, are you really
gonna wrestle a bear?
- Dick, you're the best.
- And we're clear.
- Let's go get some pussy.
- Gosh, I don't know.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- I shouldn't. You know, I shouldn't.
- But you want to.
Yes, I said I cannot say no to you. We
are gonna get some pussy, aren't we?
It's gonna be fun.
Come on!
I'm scared, Clarence.
It's a baby bear.
It's trained and everything.
I don't care. I'm terrified of those things.
I'm freakin' out.
Come on, get it together.
I'm startin' to feel really dizzy.
Break his neck! Come on!
- Wanna call it off?
- No! No.
OK.
I gotta give these people a show.
- Are you guys ready?
- Uh-huh.
- You have to give me your safe word.
- No, I don't need a safe word.
OK, I'll tell you what, if you feel
like you're in danger, just say...
spumoni.
No, I don't need spumoni, OK?
Let's get this show on the road.
Bobby Dee.
- Let's go!
- Go... Go... Go ahead, man.
What are you afraid of?
Hey.
We're both wearing red.
- Sorry, I'm not ignoring you. I'm just...
- That's stupid, Jackie!
...trying to deal with him right now.
How long you been
working with the bear?
Just like a day or so.
What?
But I've been working with cats
for like 12 years.
So I'm very familiar with animals.
Great.
- C'mon!
- Hey, Dewie.
Fuck that shit!
I'm outta here. Spumoni.
No, nope. No, no.
You can't quit now. We just started.
We got to give these people
a show, man.
- Yeah, you're right.
- That guy's a pussy!
Test him out.
I'm just gonna be right over here.
- Do something!
- Come on, Dewie.
You're just nothin' but a dumb bear.
Smack, smack. Yep.
Crazy fists. I'm comin' with crazy fists.
Yeah. This is fine,
he's not doing anything.
Flint, can you dig it?
Jackie Moon Flint...
Shit!
Dewie!
Spumoni!
One round. No spumoni!
Fuck you, Clarence! Spumoni!
Dewie, no!
Bobby Dee, help! Shit! Spumoni!
Watch my hair! Watch my hair!
The only thing I care about
is my hair! Watch it!
Dewie! My hair!
Spumoni! Spumoni!
How many times
do I gotta say spumoni?
- Somebody's got to do something.
- I wouldn't go in there if I were you.
Don't worry, Jackie!
I'm coming, Jackie.
I'm comin', Jackie.
Turn on the lights! Turn on the lights!
Good.
Nobody move. Nobody move.
Where are you, precious?
Dewie?
Everyone just remain seated.
I think he left.
Dewie?
Everybody panic!
My God, there's a bear
loose in the Coliseum!
There will be no refunds!
Your refund will be escaping
this deathtrap with your life!
If you have a small child,
use it as a shield!
They love the tender meat.
Cover your sodas, Dewie loves sugar.
- Hey, Jackie.
- Hey, Commish.
What do ya think?
Packed house, right?
I need to speak with you
and the rest of the team, Jackie.
OK. Locker room? All right.
This whole merger thing
has been really complicated.
It's taken a lot of my time
out of my life, away from my family.
Look, even if you beat the Spurs
on Saturday...
the Tropics won't be going
to the NBA next year.
Come on, man.
What the hell
are you talkin' about?
The expansion committee had
an emergency meeting in Manhattan...
and they decided that Flint
just isn't a big enough media market.
Well, tough shit!
We done made it this far.
And rules is rules.
Guys, it's over.
There's nothing I can do.
Jackie, I'm man enough
to admit when I'm wrong.
I never thought you'd pull it off.
But you did.
Good luck.
Right.
Jackie, this is the type of deal
you can work around, ain't it?
Yeah, you Jackie Moon. I mean,
you can just make a phone call, right?
Sorry, guys. I let you down.
I'm nothin' but a big phony.
Man, don't talk like that.
You ain't no phony.
Yes, I am. You know my song
Love Me Sexy?
Of course, yeah.
Yeah, everybody loves that song, man.
It was number one in the country.
I stole it.
No.
It's true.
My mom wrote it on a napkin three
weeks before she died, and I stole it.
That song bought me this franchise
and everything I have in the world...
but it's all fake.
Well, look, you can write another
song. I know it's in your bones. Right?
Don't be crazy. I can't write a song
as brilliant as Love Me Sexy.
You're right.
I just wish I could puke this all away.
Monix, can you punch me
in the jejunum?
Monix?
# Qu ser, ser #
In a new merger-policy shift...
it seems the Tropics will not
be playing for an NBA berth after all.
Saturday's matchup
against the first-place Spurs...
will be the Tropics'
final basketball game.
And in an act of great sacrifice...
Jackie Moon has helped
Tropics' superstar, Coffee Black...
realize his NBA dreams...
by trading him to the Spurs.
Clarence baby, you made it!
You made it, Clarence, you made it!
Yes.
# Qu ser #
# Qu ser #
# Girl #
# Qu ser #
For Lou Redwood, I'm Dick Pepperfield
reminding you there will be another...
No, actually we're down to our last night.
Shit.
Sup, chief?
Hey.
What are you doing here?
If you ain't heard, I got traded.
Yeah.
Coffee Black headin' to the NBA.
Big time.
Yeah, I just wanted to let you know,
man, this year, you coaching us...
the way you did it,
you really made us feel...
No, no, no, no.
Don't.
OK.
Let me ask you somethin', Monix.
Yup.
You already played for the NBA.
Your knee is gone...
you couldn't give a damn about the
merger, you were gonna retire anyway.
What's the question?
What you playin' for?
I just wanna sit here
and have a beer in peace.
Yeah?
All right.
I just thought you'd wanna hear that.
Have a good one.
# Baby, are you ready
to lick me sexy? #
Jackie, where you at?
# I'm a big faker
and I stole this song-ly sexy #
# I wanna kill myself-y sexy #
# I'm gonna get an extension cord
and hang myself sexy #
Buddy. What are you doin'?
Right now I'm urinating on myself.
Listen, Jackie, I never thanked you.
- For what?
- For helpin' me find basketball again.
Now what is it... Don't eat that.
- What is that?
- Pancake.
- Has that been there?
- It's been here a while.
Listen, Jackie, I think
you should call a team meeting.
Why?
'Cause you're still the leader
of the Tropics. Can you do that?
OK.
You're a good man.
Should we...
I hate to see this go to waste.
This little bit.
It won't go to waste.
Save that for the next guy.
If I could have
everyone's attention, please.
Well...
I just wanted to take one last time
to say thank you to all of you...
for all your hard work
as part of the Flint Tropics.
My teammates, it was an honor
to be on the court with you.
You guys are the best.
Even you, Vakidis.
Goddamn dumb son of a bitch.
You don't understand
a word I'm saying, do you?
To the Tropic Ball Girls...
I always thought I was gonna sleep
with a couple of you...
but that didn't happen.
That'll teach me to procrastinate.
Bobby Dee,
you're like a son I never had.
The son who's exactly
the same age as me.
Well, kinda... You're like
a half-son, half-friend.
Friend. A son-friend.
No, don't talk. You'll just make it worse.
I don't want to cry and wet my pants.
I'm not makin'
a whole lot of sense right now.
- Jackie?
- Yeah?
- Can I say a couple words?
- Please.
Thanks.
So we all know
that Clarence got traded...
and we all know this game
doesn't really matter anymore, right?
I've been thinking...
We made it our mission
to win fourth place.
You know, fourth place is still out there
waiting for us to take it.
And we're this close.
Now I tried to pretend that
it didn't matter if we won fourth or not.
The truth is...
I never wanted anything
more in my whole fucked-up life.
This game does matter.
It matters...
because this is the last real game of
basketball any of us is ever gonna play.
Ever.
Saturday night, I say we leave it
all out there on the floor...
because there is nothing else
for us to save it for.
Clarence or no Clarence,
NBA or no NBA...
this is for us.
Yeah. Let's do this.
Jackie Moon, I believe you have
one more game to promote.
- That's right.
- Damn right.
- Gentlemen?
- Let's bring it in.
- Ladies?
- C'mon.
- Yeah.
- Let's go, Tropics.
- Let me hear you say, "Fourth place!"
- Fourth place!
- Fourth place!
- Fourth place!
- Fourth place!
- Fourth place!
- Fourth place!
- Fourth place!
Look, the Spurs may be
the number-one team in the league...
but come Saturday night
they're gonna have to prove it.
Turtleneck.
Mr. Moon, since this game
doesn't actually count...
what exactly is your motivation?
On Saturday, we're gonna be playing
for the Flint, Michigan Megabowl.
White pants.
Yeah, I don't know if I understand
what you mean by Megabowl?
It's a Megabowl.
What's not to understand?
This is history in the making.
You're gonna wanna tell your grandkids
and their grandkids and their grandkids.
And when they look back
in the annals of history...
they're gonna be talkin'
about three things...
discovery of fire,
invention of the submarine...
and the Flint, Michigan Megabowl.
Right, but still the game doesn't count.
The trophy's 12 feet high.
And it is glorious. I've seen it.
Yeah, and when
we win the game...
that big gun's gonna shoot off.
The cannon doesn't actually fire.
It's a relic.
We're gonna win the Megabowl.
Saturday! Eight o'clock!
Flint, Michigan Megabowl!
Flint, Michigan Megabowl!
Flint, Michigan Megabowl!
Fourth place! Fourth place!
The Tropics seem to have captured
every heart in this town of underdogs.
People have poured in
from around the state...
to root for this first Megabowl
championship.
- Fourth place! Fourth place!
- It's a wonderful night for Flint...
and a wonderful night
for the Flint Fairgrounds Coliseum.
Now, Flint will be playing
without Coffee Black, their top scorer...
as the Spurs have traded for several
new players from around the ABA.
I was excited to be here
till I saw your face, Coffee.
Why's it so quiet in here?
Somebody say somethin'!
Monix, what time is it?
It's time.
It is a sold-out crowd here
at the Flint Fairgrounds Coliseum...
as the Tropics walk onto the court.
I tell you what, Dick,
this makes a lot of sense...
this heroes' welcome
for this Flint Tropics team.
This is extraordinary.
Jackie Moon is Flint's favorite son...
and he has done more for this city...
than any human being
who's ever lived on this planet.
With the possible exception
of Henry Ford...
Jackie Moon has done a lot for this city,
you're right about that.
Good tip to the Spurs.
Behind the back.
And wow! A little "How do you do?"
from Markie.
That's a pretty impressive start
for the Spurs.
Running roughshod over the Tropics.
Vakidis passes to Doubleday.
Rejected.
Scootsie passes to Jackie.
Out to Twiggy, and...
Stolen by Rebenkoff.
He pulls up for a dagger...
and ouch, three points.
Yeah!
Yeah, I don't feel good about this.
I may not have brought enough Scotch.
Shit!
It's hard to say where the Tropics
are falling down worse tonight...
on defense or on offense.
And with Coffee Black on
the Spurs bench, the Tropics look lost.
You're goin' in, Coffee Black.
Coach, I've got back spasms.
I can't do it.
Lutz, you're in.
Jackie! C'mon. Jackie, Jackie!
Moon to Ellis.
Ellis to Munson.
Munson to Monix.
Three points! Monix responds!
But it will take more than one fancy
three to defeat these mighty Spurs.
This is easily the worst half
of basketball the Tropics have played...
since Monix took over as coach.
- Yeah, it's a shit-fuckin'-sandwich, Dick.
- Let's watch the F-bomb, Lou.
With time expiring in the first half...
Monix splits the screen
with a pass to Moon.
He goes up strong...
Gets taken out by Petrelli.
I don't think I've ever seen anyone
get taken out quite that hard before.
- This looks serious.
- Damn.
Monix, you gotta hit him in the nuts!
Father Pat breaking up what
could have been total pandemonium.
Come on. Jackie? Jackie.
- Come on, back to the bench.
- Jackie?
He's got a pulse.
Let's get the stretcher.
- We don't have a stretcher.
- Jackie sold it.
- All right, well, let's get him up.
- Yeah, come on.
Let's get him in the locker room,
guys. Hurry.
Come on, come on.
Jackie's teammates doing just
an awful job of stabilizing his spine...
as they carry him off the court.
Come on, Jackie.
Yeah!
Where the hell
do you think you're goin'?
- Coffee!
You walk away from this team,
you will never play in the NBA.
That's my son! That's my son!
- Go, Clarence! Go, Clarence!
- You hear me, Coffee?
Look at this. Coffee Black
is walking over to the Tropics.
This crowd is going crazy!
Come on, Jackie, wake up.
Jackie, come on,
it's me, it's Bobby Dee.
Wake up. Come on, open 'em up.
- Hey, you got any smelling salt?
- I think we do.
- Get up.
- Jackie.
- Come on, Jackie.
- Snap out of it. Hey.
Come on, baby.
Jackie.
Mom.
- I miss you, Mama.
- I miss you too, honey.
- Come on, little fella. Jackie.
- Jackie.
Clarence, what are you doin' here?
What it look like?
I'm wit' y'all. He a'ight?
Are you outta your mind?
You wanna lose your NBA contract?
I don't care nothin' about that, man. This
is our season and we gonna finish it.
So you're gonna blow the deal for this?
- Fourth place, right?
- Right.
- Let's get Tropical.
- Right on.
Come on, buddy. Come around.
Now, I want you to go forward...
and tell the others
what I have told you here today.
Do you understand me, son?
Yes, Mama. You're so kind.
I'm sorry I stole your song.
I forgave you for that a long time ago.
Jackie, it's time you forgave yourself.
I don't wanna leave this place.
It's so fluffy.
Now hurry up,
and don't forget what I said.
OK. Bye!
Bye, Mama. Bye.
Bye.
Hey... I threw up, Mom.
I know you did, sweetie.
I threw up all by myself.
- That's workin'.
- Here we go. Come on, Jackie.
A little eye flutter. Hello, fella!
- Hey there!
- Mornin', sunshine.
We missed ya.
This just in.
It sounds like Jackie Moon is up
and around the Tropics locker room.
Then fake the pass and go straight
to the basket. Twiggy, how hard is it?
He keeps throwin' elbows.
What do you want me to do?
I want you to stand up to him,
ya pussy.
Monix, wait. I gotta tell
these guys somethin'.
I had a dream.
I had a dream I was in heaven.
And my mother spoke to me.
She was wearing
this flowing white gown...
and she showed me
a brand-new way to score a basket.
She called it the alley oop.
She spoke to me and she said,
"With this gift, you will win fourth place."
We are back in action here
at the Megabowl.
Coffee Black is playing for the Tropics.
Jackie makes the start here.
In fact, it looks like
he's running the offense.
What was that?
I'm sorry, I don't know
what just happened.
A very unusual series of moves
just made the ball go in.
Damn.
Yeah, I don't know why, Dick,
but I just got an erection.
Foul. No, two fouls.
Foul?! I didn't touch anybody.
Look, Jackie, people can't just
go flyin' in the air like that.
Please. My mom
wouldn't cheat in my dreams.
- What?
- She's an angel!
Heaven wants us to win this game!
- I'll burn your house down!
- Hold it, hold it, hold it.
It can't be a foul without
touchin' another player.
And it can't be traveling without
first establishing a pivot foot.
- That's right.
- It's two points, Father Pat.
It is two points.
- All right, I'm gonna allow it.
- That's the gospel.
Two points, Flint.
Are you outta your mind?
- He was floating. Is this ghost ball?
- It's legal, Coach.
- It's legal, Coach.
- What the hell is that?
Yeah!
It worked, Jackie!
Thanks, Mama!
Things are getting interesting
here in the second half.
It's the Spurs' ball
as Rebenkoff makes a shot.
Misses it.
Rebound Tropics.
There it is again.
Clarence leaping and forcing the ball in
a downward direction through the net...
off of a high arching pass.
- It's a great play.
- It sure is.
Hold on. I'm just being told
that this is called an alley oop!
Yes, that is easier to say.
Twig!
Monix passes to Jackie.
Jackie lobs to Clarence.
And then, yes! Another alley oop.
The Spurs don't know what's hit 'em.
I love the alley oop.
Yes! Yeah!
# I wanna take you higher #
# I wanna take you higher #
Here comes the alley.
And there goes the oop!
Timeout, white.
In all my years of radio,
I've never seen anything like this.
The Tropics have fought their way back
from a huge deficit...
and now with 12 seconds left
in the history of this franchise...
they are down by two,
and, man, you can feel the tension.
OK, guys, listen up.
They've made adjustments.
We can't keep runnin' the alley oop.
They're keying on Clarence.
So we're not gonna run the alley oop.
- What the hell we gonna run, then?
- The puke.
The puke?
Don't tell me you've forgotten it.
I seared it into your brains.
- This will work, OK? The puke.
- Right on.
I was gonna say exactly the same thing.
Good call. "Let's get Tropical" on three.
One, two, three.
Let's get Tropical!
We're down to the last play.
Monix inbounds to Jackie.
Jackie passes right back to Monix.
Monix back to Jackie.
The Tropics have gotta
make a move here, Dick.
Yeah, they need to find a way
to the hole and fast.
Monix finds Bee Bee.
Back door to Jackie. He goes up strong...
- Fouled hard by Petrelli!
- Eat shit, Petrelli!
Don't you know
how to play basketball?
Father Pat struggles to keep order...
between these two tough,
competitive teams.
All right. Black. Four-two.
With the body. Two shots.
- Come on, Jackie!
- Jackie will shoot two free throws here.
His team down by two,
with two seconds left on the clock.
All right, gentlemen.
Relax on the first one, we got two here.
Come on, Jackie.
Don't worry, guys. I got these.
I'm very good at free throws.
Seriously, free throws are probably
the best facet of my game.
What the hell are you doin', Jackie?
What, you never see me
shoot free throws before?
He's shootin' granny style.
Let 'im do his thing.
Always has.
Shit.
Here we go.
Jackie Moon holding the fate of Flint
in his fingertips.
- He kisses the ball for good luck.
- Sweet sugar.
It's good!
- Yes!
- Never doubted you, Jackie. Come on.
The Tropics need one more
to stay alive.
Watch the lines. Move on the release.
One more, Jackie.
Flint wins the Megabowl!
Flint wins the Megabowl!
Flint wins the Megabowl!
- Fourth place! Fourth place!
- # Just move on up #
Go Tropics! Go Tropics! Go Tropics!
# And keep on wishin' #
# Remember your dreams
are your only schemes #
# So keep on pushin' #
Who's number four?
Who's number four?
- Yeah, Scoots!
- God. We really did it.
Just a moment.
Just a moment, please. Don't...
- What are you doin'?
- # Just move on up #
- Fourth place! Fourth place!
- # And peace you will find #
Fourth place! Fourth place!
- # Into the steeple of beautiful people #
- Fourth place! Fourth place!
# Where there's only one kind #
Yeah!
- Hey, Coffee.
- What?
I've changed my mind. I think we could
use that alley oop of yours in the NBA.
Thanks, Coach! Mama!
The NBA!
- Hey!
- Yeah, baby!
- Way to go!
- Thank you.
# Move on up #
# And keep on wishin' #
- Yes!
- Yeah!
- We did it! Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Jackie!
- Hey!
- Congratulations on the Megabowl!
- Thank you.
- Whatever that is.
- It's very exciting!
- Yeah.
- You're a hell of a promoter!
Yeah.
Listen, I'm gonna be working
with the Commissioner of the NBA...
and I want you to join me.
Me in the NBA?! Really?
My God, thank you.
Can I bring my son-friend with me?
- Jackie, you don't have to do that.
- Yes, I do.
Mark my words,
as long as I'm alive, you'll both...
Everybody panic!
It's just like the Titanic,
but it's full of bears!
# Yeah #
# Hey #
# When you wish upon a star #
# Your dream
will take you very far, yeah #
"Dear Dukes. I'm sorry it took so long,
but in this bag is 10,000 dollars, cash."
No way. Really?
Actually, it's only 2,300.
I'll be payin' you the rest
right after they finish my merger buyout.
Let's get Tropical. Jackie R. Moon.
# In the sky so very dear #
Bitchin'. Bitchin'.
- # You're a shinin' star #
- Let's get Tropical!
# No matter who you are #
# Shinin' bright to see #
# What you can truly be
What you can truly be #
# Shining star come into view #
# Shine its watchful light on you, yeah #
# Gives you strength to carry on, yeah #
# Yeah, make your body
big and strong #
# You're a shining star
no matter who you are #
# Shining bright to see
what you can truly be #
# You're a shining star
no matter who you are #
# Shining bright to see
what you can truly be #
# Shining star for you to see
what your life can truly be #
# Shining star for you to see
what your life can truly be #
# Shining star for you to see
what your life can truly be #
# Come on, girl #
# Yeah #
- # It's me, Jackie Moon #
- # Love me sexy #
# Don't gimme that look #
# That's right, let's get sweaty #
# Let's get real sweaty #
# I'm talkin' rainforest sweaty #
- # I'm talkin' swamp sweaty #
- # Love me sexy #
# Let's fill the bathtub full-a sweat #
# All right #
# Baby, who wants to love me sexy? #
# Love me sexy #
# Baby, are you ready
to lick me sexy? #
# Lick me sexy #
# Take off your shoes
and suck me sexy #
# Suck, suck, suck, suck,
suck me sexy #
# Baby, we're naked
and we're humpin' sexy #
# Humpin' sexy #
# I wanna do a little thing wit' you
I wanna do a little thing wit' you #
# When I say "love me"
you say "sexy" #
- # Love me #
- # Sexy #
- # Sexy #
- # Love me sexy #
- # Back it on up and showin' you #
- # I wanna do #
# That lovin' me sexy is the thing to do #
# Oh, yeah #
- # Your body says love me #
- # Love me #
- # Your mind says sexy #
- # Sexy #
# Love me sexy #
# Baby, who wants to love me sexy? #
# Love me sexy #
# Baby, are you ready
to lick me sexy? #
# Lick me sexy #
# Take off your shoes
and suck me sexy #
# Take off your shoes
and suck, suck me sexy #
# Baby, we're naked
and we're humpin' sexy #
# Humpin' sexy #
# Freak of the week #
# Are you in the mood #
# To fly to the stars
with Jackie Moon? #
# When I say "love me"
you say "sexy" #
# Yeah #
- # Love me #
- # Sexy #
- # Sexy #
- # Sexy #
# Our Zodiac signs are compatible #
# Clockin' that ass
from across the room #
- # Your body says love me #
- # Love me #
- # Your mind says sexy #
- # Sexy #
# Love me sexy #
# Baby, who wants to love me sexy? #
# Love me sexy #
# Baby, are you ready to lick me sexy? #
# Lick me sexy #
# Take off your shoes
and suck me sexy #
# Take off your shoes
and suck, suck me sexy #
# Baby, we're naked
and we're humpin' sexy #
# Humpin' sexy #
# That's right, girl #
- # Let me whisper in your ear #
- # Love me sexy #
# Baby, wake up #
# We're naked
and we're humpin' sexy #
For the last 15 minutes, baby.
That's what's been happenin'.
- # Love me sexy #
- # Yeah #
# Too late now, it's on #
# Baby, who wants to love me sexy? #
# Love me sexy #
# Baby, are you ready
to lick me sexy? #
# Lick me sexy #
# Take off your shoes
and suck me sexy #
# Suck, suck, suck,
suck me sexy #
# Baby, we're naked
and we're humpin' sexy #
# Who wants to love me sexy? #
# Is it you? Is it you? #
- # Love me sexy #
- # Are you ready to lick me sexy? #
# Is it you? Is it you? #
- # Take off your shoes #
- # Lick me sexy #
# And suck me sexy #
# Is it you? Or is it you? #
# Baby, we're naked
and we're humpin' sexy #
Where are you, precious?
Dewie?