"The desire to take medicine
is perhaps the greatest feature
which distinguishes man from animals."
Feeling low?
Tossing and turning all night?
Having trouble going beddy-bye?
Know what?|You've got a headache.
Try the new painkiller Nipsarin, the|pill 9 out of 10 doctors prescribe,
and get instant relief.
Painful sinuses got you down?
Nasal passages clogging up on you?
Don't give it another thought! Try,|new doctor-prescribed Nauseadrine,
with the new,|magic ingredient N.U. 202,
and smash your troubles away.
Tummy feel crummy? You bet it does!
And there you go,|taking those rotten tablets.
Nothing happens,|they just lay there.
Now watch wonder-working|Garbagine go to work.
See how much faster the new-formula,|better-than-ever
Garbagine tablets are|than that no-good brand.
George, breakfast!
Good morning, Arnold.
Mrs. Kimball?
Hi, Ernie. - Isn't it|a lovely morning? - Oh, it is cute.
Yoghurt, carrot juice, cottage cheese,
organic honey,|non-fat, and eggs, fertile.
The Fishers on Maple St. Got|a new car today. Only it's 2nd hand.
Don't breathe a word of this,|but you know the Bullards?
Now, remember,|don't spread this around.
George!
Hey Nash, it's Vito, the cleaner.
Hey Daddy-O, I got your cleaning.
Ruth!
Need a hand, Mrs. Kimball?
Judy?|- I heard you, you said "ooh."
Doesn't it concern you,|I have this pain in my chest?
I'm always concerned.
It's just that I've had such|a morning. You would not believe it.
I called Dr. Morrissey.|I'm going to have a complete check-up.
It's probably nothing serious.|- But you just had one 2 weeks ago!
In 2 weeks a body can turn on you.|Just like that.
While it's turning, eat breakfast.|- Not until Ralph looks me over.
At least have a piece of toast.|It won't show up in the X-ray.
It's roughage.|- I don't know why I bother to cook.
Well, maybe one piece of toast.
Have I got something to tell you!|Guess what.
The Bullards are getting a divorce.
The Bullards?|- The milkman told me. - Who are they?
They live on the next block.|I don't know them,
but I expected it.
You did? Although you don't know them?
I know all about them.|Marjorie told me at bridge.
That poor thing! There must be|really something wrong with him.
How do you know? Maybe|there's something wrong with her.
Oh, no. She's very nice.|I met her at the supermarket.
She may be nice at the supermarket,|but not nice at home.
You know... - No butter!|It's loaded with cholesterol.
2 years ago you'd never heard|of cholesterol. Now it's a big thing!
Laugh if you want, but men my age|are dropping like flies!
Do you read the obituary page?|It's enough to scare you to death.
Then why do you read it?|- Should I bury my head in the sand?
No. But why do you think you have|every disease you hear about?
What do you mean by that?
Come on! Remember|when they operated on Whitey Ford?
You thought|you had bone chips in your elbow.
There definitely was pain there.
Your hypochondria's showing.
I am not a hypochondriac.|Listen,
someday when I'm lying in hospital,|then you'll change your tune.
You better hurry,|you'll miss your train. Bye!
What's today?|- Friday.
Maybe I better cancel lunch|with Winston Burr, the way I feel...
Darling,|I think you could risk a cup of tea.
I don't suppose a cup of weak tea|would hurt me, whatever's wrong.
Your call to Mrs. Bullard, Mr. Burr.|- Thank you. - Bullard?
Is she the one getting a divorce?|- Yeah. How did you know?
We have the same milkman.|- Watch this,
the Winston Burr patented procedure|for potential divorcees:
Hello, Linda.
Winston. Winny Burr.
Linda, I heard the horrible news.|Well, I'm just heartbroken.
Yeah. I always considered|you and David my best friends.
If there's anything I can do,|you mustn't hesitate to call me.
Yeah. The next couple of weeks|are going to be very tough.
You'll be... lonely.
Yeah. Say, why don't we have|a quiet little drink together tonight?
Maybe I could think of something|to bring you and David back together.
Okay, I'll pick you up at 8 o'clock.|Tonight. How's that?
Alright, little darling.|And... cheer up.
You are a 100%,|non-shrinkable, no-money-back ratfink!
Yeah, but a bachelor ratfink.
I'll see you at the club tomorrow.|Good luck with your doctor.
Check, please!
Ooh boy, am I pooped!
I made 8 house calls this morning.
Why in blazes didn't I specialize,|so I could get some sleep?
Like those lucky allergists.
They keep hours just like a banker,|and make the same kind of money, too.
I know one of them, built a|$100,000 house on ragweed alone.
When the pollen count goes up,|just like the stock market...
Ralph, I have this pain...|- Thank goodness it's Friday.
I'm going fishing this weekend.|A friend of mine has a cabin cruiser.
Gastroenterologist. He'd look|at anything but gall bladders.
He is absolutely cleaning up.
You'll be on a boat the whole weekend?|- That's right.
Can't you be reached in an emergency?|- Emergency?
What emergency?
No, 90% of my patients have|absolutely nothing wrong with them.
And the 10% that have|something seriously wrong,
I send them to a specialist.
Now, what is the trouble?|- What?
Oh, well, I have this pain...|- Can you show me
where it is? - Right here. It hurts|like the Devil when I press it.
Then don't press it.|Now George,
tell me, is it a sharp pain,|is it a dull pain,
or does it grip, like a vice?|- Yes.
No. Pick one.
I'd say it was more of a sharp pain.
I guess we'd better take a listen.
Do you have any idea what it might be?|- Not yet.
It's probably nothing serious.|You know how Judy worries.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
You can button up now, George.|- What's the bad news?
What? - This pain in my chest,|is there a medical term for it?
Yes.
It's called indigestion.
I want you to take
these pills. One before each meal|and again before retiring.
What kind of pills are they?|- You wouldn't know if I told you.
Oh, Ralph...|That cardiogram you took...
Yeah, what about it?|- That's what I was going to ask.
What are you talking about?|- How did it turn out?
I don't know. The results aren't due|from Dr. Peterson for another week.
He's had it for 2 weeks.
Isn't he studying it for a long time?|- Dr. Peterson is a very busy man.
Biggest cardiologist in the city.|Got a regular goldmine there.
Well, in your opinion,|everything is Okay?
George, you are sound as a bell.
I wish all my patients|were as healthy as you are.
Speaking non-professionally, that is.|- And this pain in my chest?
I can just live a normal life?|- I would.
You can take|one of those pills now if you want.
Right now? Is it so urgent?|- It doesn't make any difference.
No, I'll take it now|if it's that important.
Is that my chart, Ralph?
Aren't you writing an awful lot|for just indigestion?
The more I write,|the more money I charge.
Oh, good.
Hello? Oh yes, he is, Doctor.
I appreciate how busy you've been.|That's why I didn't press you on it.
Whose cardiogram?
William Mallone's?
Yes, I've been worried about him.|He's getting on in years.
What does|the cardiogram show, Dr. Peterson?
What?
Oh, that's really a shame.
But, still, what can you do?|Give him a few pills
to ease the pain in his chest.
Not much you can do|when the old ticker goes, eh?
How much time do you figure he's got,|Doctor? Few weeks.
Yes, I've seen them go just like that.
No, I'm not going to tell him.|I think he's better off not knowing.
Alright.
Fine, you have a nice weekend too,|Doctor. Bye-bye.
I'm back, Ralph.|- Good.
Do you still want me to take these|pills? - Yes, to ease your chest pain.
Ralph?
Do you mind|if I ask you some questions?
Not at all, go ahead.|- Well,
suppose you had a patient
and found out|he only had a few weeks to live.
I mean, he could go just like that.
Would you tell him?|- Well, offhand I would say, but
it'd all depend on the circumstances.|- Circumstances? - Yes.
If I knew the man's affairs|were in order, his will made out,
his insurance paid up, no loose ends,|well, I'd see no reason to tell him.
Well, suppose he were an old friend,|like me.
Are your affairs in order,|will made out, insurance paid up?
The I wouldn't tell you. Anything else|I can do for you, George?
Goodbye, Mr. Kimball.
See you in church!
Judy?|Yeah?
Come on, we're teeing off at 2:30.|- Just a second. - What are you doing?
Making George's sleeping pills.|- What are you, a pharmacist?
I'm a very smart wife.|You know George.
He's convinced he can't sleep|without a pill, but I know it's sugar.
And it works? - It has for 5 years.|You know something else?
When he takes two|he goes to sleep twice as fast.
That's a story for a medical journal!|- That'd ruin everything. - Why?
He reads it every week.|- Oh, no!
Hi, George.|- Hello, Arnold.
Ruth is flying to her mother's,|the kids are in camp, and I'm alone.
And unafraid.
What are you doing?|- Eating.
Nuts? George Kimball? Cholesterol?
What's the matter?|You seem kind of down.
Arnold, can I take you into my|confidence? - You can, George.
Well,|I've just heard some rather bad news.
You've got to promise to keep quiet.|I wouldn't want it to get around.
It's nothing that's going to|affect property values, is it?
No, I wouldn't think so.
That's a relief. What, then?
You know this little pain in my chest|I've been complaining about?
You mean your indigestion?|- Well, it's not indigestion.
No?
It's curtains, Arnold.
Curtains?
What do you mean, "curtains"?|- I just came from the doctor's.
He only gives me a few weeks to live.|- Oh, come on!
I don't believe it.|- It's true. It's the ticker.
Holy cow!
Are they sure?
I had Peterson,|the biggest cardiologist in the city.
Holy cow!
Gee, George,|I don't know what to say.
This is so sudden, you...
George, I...|I believe I better have a drink.
I'd like to have one with you,|if you don't mind.
Certainly not.
I'd like a martini.|- Same. Double.
George?|- What?
How are you going to tell Judy?|- Judy?
Oh, I'm not going to tell her. - No?|- No. I couldn't bear it.
She'd probably go to pieces,|all that weeping and wailing.
You know Judy. - Yeah, I remember|how she was when the dog died.
I don't mean there'd be a comparison.|This would be much worse.
You know what I mean.
Of course, Arnold.|- George, is there anything I can do?
Not as a lawyer, but as|your best friend. - I don't know.
Somebody has to|take care of the funeral details.
Do you want to do that?|- I'll do it.
I'll do it.
What's the matter with him?|- It's so nice to see you.
It's good to see you, George.
How is everything?|- Everything's just fine.
That's wonderful, wonderful.
Hi, Arnold. - Hi.|- Ruth get off alright?
Like a rocket.|- Good.
How are you, Judy?
What are you taking,|George's vitamin pills?
Dear, I want you to know you can|always count on me. - Thanks, Arnold.
I think we should drive Arnold home.|He can pick up his car tomorrow.
Judy, do you know|what type of man you're married to?
Thinking of the other guy, even at|a time like this. - A time like this?
He means, at a time when|he forgets where he parked his car.
You can ride with us, Arnie. Come on.
That was brilliant.
Come on, Arnold.
Judy, I just wanted to tell you,|I live right next door, alright?
Right, Arnold. - If you need me|for anything, day or night,
that's where I'll be, right next door.
Thanks a lot, Arnold.
Oh, was he bombed.|What's he had to drink?
Hello, Mrs. Kimball. For you|we put it through special.
That is something! Almost as wild|as this morning's outfit, huh?
Bye, now.
Pretty fresh kid.|- Oh, he's just friendly.
Friendly? Bet he makes out|pretty good in this neighborhood.
Oh, darling? Joe at the gas station|gave me back this check.
He said it's the wrong amount|and I should make out a new one.
The bill was 45.58 and,|I don't know why, but I wrote 78.60.
The figure's not $78.60, it's 7-8-6-0.|You paid your license plate!
You're kidding. That's an odd one.
Now, anybody can make a mistake...|- I'd like to talk to you. Judy?
How would you like|to go to night school?
Where? - Night school.|Just a couple of nights a week.
To learn banking,|bookkeeping, a little accounting.
That's just... Why? - Because|these things keep our ship afloat.
For example: What does|"amortization of a mortgage" mean?
I don't care.|- But you've got to care.
That's your department.|- But it's important for you to know.
Why should we both know the|same things? - Judy, please.
Will you let me get dinner going?|- That's what I want to talk about.
How much is a pound of ham?|- I don't know, I didn't buy a pound.
How much did you buy? - A half pound.|- How much was it?
If I don't know that either.
How do you know they're not cheating|you, if you don't know the prices?
Would you tell me why you're|getting so worked up about ham?
It's not just ham,|it's the whole principle.
George, you didn't lose your job?|- No, I didn't lose my job.
I'll have it the rest of my life.|- Then what are you worried about?
You better check on Arnold.|See if he wants to have dinner, huh?
We can eat in half an hour.
What does "amortization" mean?
Hindus had the right idea. When|the husband died, the wife went too.
Threw herself on the funeral pyre.|And he didn't have to worry about her.
I've been thinking, and|I want to do this, so don't say no.
Fact is, I consider it a privilege.|- What? - I want to deliver a eulogy.
That'd be fine. - And don't worry,|I'll give you one gorgeous send-off.
I'm sure you will. Just wish|I could be around to hear it.
Maybe I can knock out|a rough draft before you go.
You know something, Arnold?|Judy will never make alone.
Look at it this way, George:
Judy's young, she's attractive,|she'll probably get married again.
I'm sorry,
I shouldn't say a thing like that,|with you not gone yet.
It's alright, Arnold.
Of course it's a possibility.|Judy might get married again.
Suppose she married the wrong man,|like poor Janet Hart. Remember her?
Who? - Janet and Bill Hart.|Don't you remember? - No.
After Bill died Janet needed somebody|to lean on, so she took the first guy.
One week after the funeral|she ran off with a bongo player.
A bongo player?|- Yeah.
Took her for every cent.|- Is that going to happen to Judy?
Who knows? She could turn to the first|man that comes along. - Holy cow!
Arnold? There's no question:
Judy should marry again, but to|the right man. I've got to find him.
Another husband? Who, George?
I don't know. I'll find somebody.
I'm a married man, George.
Not you. Woods must be|full of eligible bachelors.
Did it come yet, baby?|- What, mio amore?
The 50 thou,|the old boy's life insurance.
Is that enough, Vito?|- For now.
If we need more we can sell the joint.
Mr. Kimball is here, Mr. Atkins.
You phoned us about|the purchase of a final resting place.
Sit down, won't you?|- Thank you.
This has been a busy morning.|Did you see the Archers? - Who?
The Archers on Meadow Rd.|Do you know them? - I don't think so.
They're a family of 8. They|were all in. Wonderful to see them.
You don't get|those big families anymore.
I can understand your point of view.|- Do you know Green Hills? - Pardon?
Do you have anyone residing with us?|- Not as yet.
You saw our advertising campaign.|- No, I must have missed it.
I think I have a copy somewhere.|Oh, there it is.
There she be.
Sure hits you in the eye, doesn't it?
Yes, it sure does.|- We suggest
the entire family all go out|and select the final resting place.
The kids love it. They have a ball!|- I'll bet they do.
If you'll notice, all monuments|in Green Hills are the same height,
4 feet. As you see, it gives|a wonderful impression of uniformity.
A sort of Levittown of the hereafter.
I like that.
"The Levittown of..." - Mr. Atkins,|could we get down to business?
Yes Siree-Bob.|As soon as I find the old order pad.
Here we are!
Now, how many in your family,|Mr. Kimball?
Just my wife and myself.
Oh, well. That's alright.
Chance of any little additions, maybe?
Well, there might be|another man along later.
I beg your pardon.
Mr. Atkins, let me ask you a question.
Assuming the husband goes first,|and then later on the wife remarries.
Then the wife goes next, and she's|buried alongside her first husband.
When the second husband goes,|is he buried alongside the other two?
I mean, are they all put in together?
Yes, that happens.
Well, make it for three.
Alrighty, reservations for three.
Now, how much is this?|- $1,000. - $1,000?
We throw in the 1st year's gardening.|How's that get you?
Swell.
I'd like write the check to cash.|- Suit yourself.
You see, I'd rather|my wife didn't know about this.
You want to surprise her.|- Yes.
This'll give her a real thrill!
It makes a very thoughtful gift.|Let me show you.
We've got a lovely layout.
I think we'll put you in K-1, 2 and 3.
Sunset Hill,|right next to Folded Wings.
Oh, you're lucky.
That's nice high ground.|Lovely view from here.
Sounds marvellous.|- It's a honey.
When is it available? - It's kept|in tip-top shape at all times.
Whenever you're ready,
we're ready.|- That's comforting.
Thank you, Mr. Atkins. - There's one|more thing I think you should know.
What's that? - It's not of immediate|concern, but there are plans
for a state highway|that would go through Green Hills.
A state highway? - Not until 1980,|and that's not definite.
But in the event it does|come to pass, we'll see to everything
at our expense. - What does that mean?|- We'll either move you
or, if you wish,|put you deeper under the freeway.
I see.
Either way,|whatever the others do, I'll go along.
Fine and dandy.
I'll get the deed to you|in a day or so.
Enjoy your work, don't you?|- I wouldn't want to do anything else.
I like people.|- Well, goodbye. - Oh, Mr. Kimball!
Your green stamps.
I'll change. Meet you in 15 minutes.|- I don't think I'll play today.
Oh, George!|- No, I don't think I'd better.
Oh honey, I hate to play alone.|- I'll meet you on the ninth green.
Okay.
Arnold, I did it.|- Yeah?
I bought a cemetery plot.|- Good. Use it in good health.
I'm sorry.|I'm not in very good shape today.
I've just one more thing to attend to,|then I'll stop this gallivanting,
and go to bed and wait.|- What's that?
A husband for Judy. Look:
I made a list of all|the eligible bachelors around here.
Good morning Arnold, George.|- Hi. - Hi, Sam.
How about old Sam Scheffing?|- He hasn't got a quarter.
Never could stand him, anyway.|- Judy needs a wealthy man.
How about Paul Pendergrass?|He's playing tennis here today.
He's reasonably good-looking.
Not as reasonable as you, but...
I'm sorry.
There's Harry Hanson.
Plays a great handicap. Two.|Is he on your list? - No.
Put him on the list. Fine competitor.
Fore!
You're a fraud, Harry Hanson!|- Shh, quiet. Sit down and be quiet.
You should be exposed!|- Come on, let's find Judy.
It's a little discouraging, isn't it?|- A bit.
I said it yesterday:|The woods are full of them.
What woods, George?|- What's the difference? Any woods.
What's that?|- Time for my pill.
It hardly seems|worthwhile to take a pill.
I'm sorry, George.
Help! Look out, George!
Look out, George!
Judy, wait! Arnold, hurry.
No, go that way.
Faster, Arnold!
Look out!
I can't stop! I'm sorry.
Somebody, stop this thing!
Step on it!|- I am!
Thank you.|- It's alright, you're safe now.
What's the matter with you?
Now, just a minute...|- Judy!
Bert!
Bert Power!|- Judy Heppleway!
Gosh, you look pretty as ever!|- I'm sure I look terrible!
Judy Heppleway.|- George, George Kimball!
Maybe we should go, we're intruding.|- Bert,
meet my husband George and our|good friend and neighbor Arnold Nash.
Fellas, this is Bert Power, my|college... - Sweetheart. Hi, Arnold.
George. - Oh, excuse me,|I thought you were the good friend.
I'm not her good friend,|I'm her husband. For now, anyway.
So, you married little Judy Heppleway.
Yes, I did. - No offence.|Judy was always the campus queen.
I figured she'd wind up marrying|someone like Cary Grant.
No, she just married me.|- I think she did just fine.
So do I. - And so do I.|- Little Judy Heppleway.
If you don't mind, her name's Kimball,|because she married me.
Now, that's a perfectly good name.|- Bertie, what are you doing here?
Just flew in from Phoenix for|a little business swindle. - Swindle?
You should put on dry clothes.|Let's go to your little country club
and some lunch, so we|can really talk. - Oh, marvellous!
I'm so glad to see you.|- Are we invited too?
Oh, sure, come along.|- Come on, George.
Tell me, what do you do these days?|- As a matter of fact, I'm in oil.
Oil? Isn't it fascinating?
It's marvellous tax-wise.
The first 27.5 percent|go right into your pocket. - Really?
People always belly-aching about|needing money should all get into oil.
It would certainly wipe out poverty.
What's your line of business, George?
I'm with Connell Electronics.|- Are you on the big board? - No.
We're not on the little board either.
It's a small company,|Bert, but it's very important.
They manufacture a little transistor|about this big.
This big.
Anyway,|as George said in a speech once:
Without it, a whole city|like Pittsburgh would be blacked out.
From what I've seen of Pittsburgh,|it'd look better blacked out.
It's true. - Tell me, Bert,|did your wife come with you?
My wife? I'm not married.
What? Bert Power, I don't believe you.|- Well, it's true.
How did you escape?|- Well, if you really must know,
it's partly your fault, passion girl.
Mine?|- Yeah.
After you threw me over|I couldn't settle for second-best.
Excuse me, please.|I'll powder my nose. George,
your nose needs a little powder too.|- Yeah, yeah.
I'll be right back. Why don't you|order for me, passion girl?
I'd like the chef salad,|vinegar, no oil.
What is it? - Our worries are over.|- What? - We found a man for Judy.
Who?
Who? Bert Power, of course.
Are you mad? Judy, married to|that cornball? Why, I'd live first!
Judy doesn't think he's a cornball.|And he's loaded, George, loaded!
Do you want everybody here to know?|- How much time do you have to look?
I'm sorry. But,|even if you find somebody you like,
how do you know he'll go for Judy?|- Are you kidding? That's impossible.
Nothing's impossible. Two girls|turned me down before Ruth said yes.
One even laughed in my face.
Well...
It should make Judy happy.
And you know...
Welcome back, gentlemen.|- Glad to be back, Bert old man.
There's a dinner dance here tonight.
Why don't you come along|as my and Judy's guest?
That's very kind of you,|considering I'm not even deductible.
I'll take care of the champagne.|- Great!
Just great!
I've never seen anything greater|than Bert's backhand.
And those drives off the tee,|every one was over 350 yards.
Wasn't it a pleasure,|playing bridge with him?
Did you ever see|such a polished player? - Oh,
he's alright.|- Alright?
Why are you acting so nonchalant?|You were very happy to see him.
Of course I was happy,
very surprised. - Come on,|you couldn't keep your eyes off him.
How could I help it? He was there|all afternoon. Remember, darling,
it was your suggestion|to play tennis and golf and bridge.
As a matter of fact, you insisted.|Didn't you?
What's gotten into you?|- What?
Normally, if I spent so much time|with a man you'd be wildly jealous.
Me?|- You always have been.
I'm not the jealous type at all.
Remember the Brinkhoff's party,|when Larry helped me on with my coat?
Helped you on with your coat?|He was helping himself.
You see, you were jealous.|- Of course I was jealous.
And wouldn't you be furious|if I weren't? - Heck, yeah.
Hey, I have to get my shower.|- Not yet.
If I don't hurry we'll miss the dance.|- Wouldn't be the first one we missed.
You shouldn't have invited Bert.
Your loving husband,|the late George Kimball.
In here, Arnold.
I need help, I can't manage this.|- Later. I want you to hear something.
What are you doing?|- Listen.
One... two... three...
What's this?|- Wait.
"My dearest Judy,
by the time you hear this tape,|I will be dead.
Yes,|my hypochondria has finally paid off.
Forgive the jest, but as you see,|I retain my sense of humor to the end.
My darling, I want to tell you|how much I love you
and how much happiness|you gave me during our marriage.
When I found out that I was dying|I had great anxieties
about you and your future welfare.
It was for this reason|that I felt you should remarry,
and that Bert|would make an ideal husband.
I'm telling you all this|so you'll feel no guilt whatsoever
about marrying Bert.
After whatever is considered|a decent interval by your bridge club.
And now, my dearest,
I must close.
With sincerest wishes|for your future happiness,
your loving husband,
the late George Kimball."
Oh, it's beautiful,
It's just beautiful.
Hey, Arnold, would you take it easy?|You've been hitting the bottle hard.
Yes, and I'll keep hitting it too.|I don't know how else to handle this.
Quiet. Judy's upstairs.|- I'm sorry.
George?|- What? - Do me. - Yeah. Come on.
I want to tell you|how proud I am of you.
The wonderful thing you're doing|for Judy. So unselfish and ennobled.
I mean, actually fixing your wife up|with another man.
Does it bother you|that Judy may marry this guy and,
you know, the...|- You mean...?
Yeah.|- No, Arnold!
She wouldn't think of it.
All she needs now is a companion.
Someone to walk with,|over the hill and down the other side.
That's a beautiful thought.
I'm going to miss you, bud.|- I know you will, buddy.
You know something, old buddy?|The fact that the end is near
seems to have sharpened my senses.|See this tree here, Arnold?
Not too well, George.
It's beautiful.
Such strength.
It's magnificent.
And this table.
It feels so good|just to run your hand over it.
It's so smooth and cool.
Well, all this is coming|a little late for me, this awareness.
Why couldn't I have felt like this|every day of my life?
But you still|have life ahead of you, Arnold.
Arnold? Wake up! Feel alive,|appreciate the beauty around you.
Don't you understand what I mean?|- Yeah, sure.
Every chance I get,|I'm going to feel a table.
Oh, boy,
smooth.
Do you know that|we haven't danced once? - I know.
What's the matter?
Aren't you feeling well? - I'm fine.|- Then why don't you ask me to dance?
I mean, for me I feel fine. That's not|what you'd really call fine.
Why don't you ask Bert to dance again?|- We've danced... - He's marvellous!
Oh really? Have you danced with him?
No.
He must be a marvellous dancer.|He does everything so well.
Hi, are you with us? - Sure.|- Darling, do you know George Kimball?
No.|- George, this is Linda Bullard.
It's so nice to meet you.|I've met your wife at the supermarket.
Yes, she mentioned it.
Would you boys excuse me a minute?|I must phone the sitter at home.
I won't be a minute, Darling.
Why don't you ask me how|it's going? - Alright, how's it going?
A-Okay.
Green.
If you here of any prospects,|let me know.
Saturday dance night at the club|is always good for a split-up or two.
You appreciate the life around you?|Do you, John?
I mean, did you ever really look|at a tree? John!
It's magnificent.
Did you ever feel a table?
Wake up! Live your life!
Hi, George. I love you, George.|- She's such a sweet little woman.
She's just like Judy.|- Who, George?
She's falling into the trap|of that small-time lecher.
What time, George?
I should do something. - Do what?|- Just one good deed before I go.
Go where, George?|- Strange, the way
facing the great adventure|changes all your moral values.
How, George?
I'm going to do it.|- Do what, George?
When, George?
It's so smooth.
I won't be home any later than 1:30.
Alright. Fine. Bye-bye.
May I talk to you for a moment,|please, in private?
Of course, Mr. Kimball.|- Good. In here.
Does this have a familiar ring?|- What?
"Look, I know your next few weeks|are going to be tough.
You're going to be lonely.|Say, how would it be
if we had a nice quiet little drink|together some night?"
Please go on, Mr. Kimball.
Mr. Kimball, you just don't know|how grateful I am to you.
You prevented me from making|a complete fool of myself.
How can I ever thank you?|- Oh, you don't have to thank me.
I'll never forget you for this. Never.
Judy!
May I help you, Mr. Kimball?|- No. Judy!
Judy, wait! Please, let me explain.|- That'll take some explaining.
Kissing that woman in the checkroom!|- That was Linda Bullard. - What?
Yes. I was trying to tell her...
No wonder|the Bullards are splitting up!
Judy, this isn't our car.
Don't try to change the subject.|- Judy, wait.
Probably by now the|whole town knows. Everybody but me.
What on earth are you talking about?|- It all fits now.
What fits now?
Shoving me off on Bert, so you|don't feel guilty with another woman.
What do you mean?|- Trying to send me to night school,
so you can have your evenings free.|- You're making a terrible mistake.
I'm leaving you, George Kimball!|I won't spend another night
under the same roof with a swinger.|- Swinger? - You're a playboy
and an adulterer!|- Judy, I have something to tell you.
Give me those keys!|- Move over.
Then say it. And please|take the lipstick off your face.
I didn't want to tell you this,|but you have to know the truth.
I won't have you thinking|I'm unfaithful to you. Especially now,
at the ebb-tide of my life.
It's true,|I was trying to match you with Bert.
But for a completely unselfish reason,|that I wanted you to have somebody.
Have somebody?|- After I'm gone.
So that's it.|You're going away with Linda Bullard,
that's what.|- I'm not going with anyone.
Remember yesterday, when I saw|Dr. Morrissey about my chest pain?
You mean your indigestion?
Yes.
Well, I lied to you.
Judy,
my time is up.
That's right, time for another pill.|- I'm serious. I'm dying. The ticker.
George, if you don't stop...
It's true.
Call Ralph, he'll tell you.
I may only have|a few more weeks to live.
There, there. Chin up.
Isn't it better|than having another woman?
It's enough, Arnold.|I'll park here for a while.
Arnold, turn me around a bit.|I'd like to look at my tree.
That's fine. - If you need anything,|I'll be mowing your back lawn.
I already mowed your front lawn.|- Oh, that is beautiful, Arnold.
Hi, darling.|- Hi. - How are you feeling?
Well, perhaps|a little weaker than yesterday.
I think sitting here is weakening me.
But we put you in it to conserve|your strength. - I know, but...
And I've got the tickets.|Flight 17, leaving at 7:45 a.m.
When we arrive in Rochester|there'll be
a limousine at the airport to take us|directly to the Mayo Clinic.
I think it's useless.|- Useless? George, nothing is useless!
Lt'll be so costly.
I don't care. - It'll just prolong it.|I'll just lie there and linger.
One of the most expensive things|is to linger.
I don't care about expense.|We'll spend every cent if we have to.
Arnold!
Thank you, Arnold.
Did you reach Dr. Morrissey?|- No.
Not even his answering service.|- You've kidding! - No.
Oh, Arnold.
And to think that|I accused him of being unfaithful,
when his motives|were so unselfish, so noble.
That's one heck of a guy|you got there, Judy.
When they made George Kimball|they threw away the mold.
Still no answer. I dialled right|through to Dr. Morrissey. - Me too.
At a time like this he goes fishing!|Doesn't care for George at all.
Just wait till I see him.
Sit up, sweetheart.|It's good and hot.
Alright, now back. Okay?
Judy, you really surprise me.|- Do I?
You've always been so dependent,|and you're taking this like a Trojan.
I never had to do it before.|You always took care of everything.
Know something? If I had known|I would have told you right away.
You should have. Promise you'll never|keep anything from me again.
I won't.
We certainly have had|wonderful times, haven't we?
So wonderful.
Remember the little Chinese restaurant|just off Grant Avenue?
Yes. Where we first met.|- Met? It was a pick-up.
Was not.|- Was too.
You were just sitting there alone|trying to decide what to order...
And you walked over and said,|"Excuse me, I'm here with two friends,
and we're entitled to wan-tan soup,|barbequed ribs and almond duck.
But if we have a fourth,|we also get chicken Canton..."
You see?
Yeah,|I guess it was a pick-up.
Be right back, sweetheart.
Hi. I saw your lights on, and thought|I'd see if you want some fish.
No, thank you, Ralph.
Please, Judy, you've got to take some.|I've got a carload out there.
Oh, really, Ralph?|How nice for you.
Isn't it wonderful that you can forget|everything and go off like that?
Yeah, it doesn't happen often.|Fortunately, I had nothing urgent.
Nothing urgent? A patient|who may be dying isn't urgent?
What?|- Look, all I can say is,
I have never been so disillusioned|with anyone in my whole life.
And you may as well know the truth:|I'm taking you off the case.
You're taking me off what case?|- That's right.
I guess I've been|out in the hot sun too long.
The fact that you|didn't want to tell me is one thing.
But to go off and leave George|when he's...
dying.
Oh, Ralph!|- Did I hear you right, Judy?
Did you say George was dying?|- Oh, stop it, Ralph!
I know all about it. I'm flying|him to the Mayo Clinic tomorrow.
But...
Ralph Morrissey, how can you laugh|at a time like this?
I've encountered hypochondriacs|in my time, but never one like him!
Ralph,|you mean it isn't true?
He had a complete check-up|just two weeks ago. - I know.
George Kimball will outlive us all,|unless he worries himself to death.
Then there's nothing wrong with him?|- Absolutely nothing.
I told him that|in my office on Friday.
Oh, how could he do this to me?|Why would he say he's dying?
I don't know.|I'm not a psychiatrist.
But, boy, they make a fortune!|- What possible reason could he have?
Well, maybe... I don't know!|- Why did he say a thing like this?
Oh. Of course...
Of course!|- What? - I'll tell you why.
Because I suspected him of|having an affair with another woman.
And when I accused him he thought|he could cover it up with this lie.
My advice to any wife in this|situation is, forget it. - Forget it?
Although, to the best of my knowledge|nobody's ever accepted that advice.
And I won't be the first.|- That's what I thought.
Would you like some fish?|They're awfully good for you!
No, I hate fish!
Then I guess I'll have to|eat the little fellas myself.
Oh, my darling,|are you having another nightmare?
No, honey, I...|- There, sweetheart.
I think somebody hit me.
It's alright, darling,|I'm here now.
It's such a hot night,|I'll slip into something comfortable.
Yes...
I suddenly feel so warm.
And damp.
Oh, you poor angel!
Isn't that the perfume|I gave you for our anniversary?
Almost.
The one I exchanged|for the one you gave me.
It's such a hot night.
Remember our 5th anniversary?|- Remember? I made notes!
We came home right after dinner.
It was a night just like tonight.
Full moon.
We had champagne on the patio.
Isn't it a shame we can't|do the same tonight? - Why not?
Darling, your condition.|You don't have the strength.
Believe me, I'll find the strength.
Well...
I think there's champagne|in the refrigerator. I'll get it.
I'll get it!
Darling,
didn't we have music?
No, but I think I hummed a little.
You're sweet,|I really don't need a wheelchair.
Darling,|you need to conserve your strength.
You're a sweetheart...
Judy, let me in!
Judy, What's going on?
Will you let me in?|- Stop that banging down there.
What are you doing?
You'll wake the... dead!
But what's wrong?
Ask Dr. Morrissey!
What'd you do that for?|Will you let me in?
I'll catch my death of a cold.
Good. Be sure to give it to Linda!
Oh, my cold pills.
Hey, George.
Thanks.|- Would you open up the door?
You want to come in?|- Yes.
I'll open the door.
I love champagne.|How did you know I ran out of booze?
How'd you get so wet? - Oh, shut up,|and get me some dry pyjamas.
I just finished your eulogy.|Let me read it to you.
I don't want to hear it.|- Yes, you do, listen:
"They needed a good sport in heaven,
so they sent for George Kimball. Yes,
George Pommerton Kimball..."|- Arnold! - "the best..."
I don't want to hear it.
We're rather testy, aren't we?|- Yes, we certainly are.
Well, I guess
I'll have to|make a little change here.
"Unfailing good humor."
Sorry, George.
Judy has thrown me out of the house.|- Judy, George?
Thrown you out of the house, George?|Why, George?
Is that the best you've got?|- Yes, till the laundry comes back.
I know Judy.|She wouldn't do that without a reason.
Well, she saw a woman|kissing me in the checkroom.
"Faithful and devoted husband."|- Don't be ridiculous.
It was all perfectly innocent...
Well,|it's too long a story to go into now.
I'm going to
sleep in the kids' room, Okay? - It's|being painted while they're gone.
You'll have to shack up with me.|- Oh, marvellous!
The least a man can ask|is to die in his own bed.
Which side do you sleep on? - I sleep|here, Ruth sleeps by the window.
So does Judy.
What are you doing?|I like fresh air when I'm sleeping.
I will not be poisoned|by damp night air.
"Courtesy and consideration."
Egad, you've got cold feet!|- Complaints, nothing but complaints!
I could complain a little, too!|You ever cut your toenails?
There she is,|probably sleeping peacefully.
And she has the nerve to accuse me...|- I don't know, George.
Methinks you complain too much.|- Don't play holier-than-thou!
You weren't just making eyes|at that waitress in Miami.
I have a good mind|to tell Ruth when she gets back.
"Loyal friend."
Keep it up, buddy. You'll have|the shortest eulogy on record.
Who?
What?
Yeah,
Douglas 2-0-0-2-4.|- That's my number!
That's what he wanted.|- Who?
Winnie. Winnie Burr.|- Winnie Burr?
What'd you give it to him for?
Hi, Winnie.
I heard the horrible news.|Well, I'm just heartbroken.
Who told you?
The milkman?
Yes, Winnie, I'm afraid it's true.
No, no, I don't think there's|anything you can do to patch it up.
Well, I guess|the next few weeks will be tough.
Lonely?
I imagine I will be.
Quiet drink?
Tonight?
Look, Winnie,|will you call back later? The nerve!
Oh, good morning, Mr. Kimball.|Excuse me for laughing, but
you look great for a doomed man.|- How do you know... - Dr. Morrissey.
Would you give this to Mr. Nash?|Thank you.
I'm sure it'd look better on him.
Milkman! Good morning.
Of course I'm glad I'm going to live.
But it's just one lousy way|of finding out.
You doctors should have a way|to tell a patient nothing's wrong
so he's sure there's nothing wrong!|Does Judy know?
What?
She thinks I'm covering up an affair.
No, I don't want any fish!
I took off so much, I'd better|put some back in. - Forget it.
What's the matter, George?|- I'm going to live.
That's the way to talk.|That's the old fighting...
You don't understand. Dr. Morrissey|just told me I'm perfectly alright.
There's not a thing wrong with me.
You mean, you're not dying?|- That's right. - That's wonderful.
Oh, thank heavens, George.
Was it a mistake in the X-rays?|They discover a new drug?
It was all a misunderstanding.|It was all my fault.
But you told me the old ticker...|- I know, but I was wrong.
And I'm sorry.
You should be! Damn it!
I've been drinking for 3 days on|account of you, I'm just recovering.
On top of that I spent 2 days|and 2 nights writing your eulogy.
And now you're not even dying!|- I'm sorry.
Well, I feel like an idiot!|Crying, drinking, writing and mowing.
Arnold, I said I'm sorry. - It's a|horrible thing to do to a friend!
News flash:|She's packing to leave for Reno.
Listen, he's got to go some time.
"Your loving husband,|the late George Kimball."
When was that dashed off? Right after|you concocted that wild dying bit?
No, Judy, I...|- An affair is bad enough,
but to cover it up with this lie!|To think he almost made a fool of me.
I was taking him to the Mayo Clinic.|- You were a real brick, Judy.
I'll tell my wife when she's a brick.|- Bert, what did he hope to gain?
He knew he'd be found out eventually.|Couldn't he see I'd get suspicious?
Judy, I told you, I took a pill...|- How could he get out of this?
Sooner or later he'd give you|the old story of a mistake in X-rays
or the discovery of a new drug.|- And I would've believed it too.
But one thing went wrong,|didn't it George?
The Doctor went fishing and couldn't|back up your "old ticker" story.
And by accident, you saw|Dr. Morrissey first. - Exactly!
Do you mind if I put some clothes on?
Why can't you wear shoes,|like everybody else?
Well, she's really leaving me.|- Tonight the window stays open.
Arnold, you're a lawyer.|You've seen these things.
How can a man convince his wife|that he's not having an affair?
He can't. - But I'm not having one.|- Doesn't make any difference.
Isn't a man innocent until proven|guilty? - Look, boy, it's your wife.
You mean there's nothing I can do?|- There is one thing. - What?
Confess. And ask her to forgive you.
For what? - For the affair.|- When I'm not having one? - Right.
Guys lie out of affairs, but|I'd be the first guy to lie into one.
Face the facts. You know you're not|having an affair, she's sure you are.
Why be stubborn? Admit it.|- Well, I don't know...
Judy loves you. But she's a woman.|What woman doesn't want to see
her husband crawl?|- Do you really think it would work?
Yes! Women spend their lives trying|to get something on their husbands!
Alright, Arnold, I'll take the advice.|I'll confess that I've had an affair,
beg her forgiveness,|and that'll be that. - It's not easy.
What more does she want?
Plenty. They always want to know:|Who was she? How does she look?
How old is she? Do you love her?|Did any of Judy's friends
see you together?|- They ask all that?
Yes. And what is most important:|Was it worth it?
Was it?|- No, no matter how great it was,
you say it wasn't so good.
I can't answer those questions.
You've got to. If you hem and haw
she'll think you have dozens,|and can't keep them straight.
No, Sir,|you've got to snap out those answers.
Just like that? - I'm telling you|what can happen when you cop a plea.
I'm not copping a plea.|I'm an innocent man.
Arnold, she's really leaving!
I've got to stop her.|- Wait, bud. Let's take my car.
Alright, Arnold.
"Just confess. Confess everything.
Lay it on good and thick.|She'll eat it up."
Judy, don't do anything wrong!|- Let go! - Don't do anything rash!
I lied to you|and I've decided to confess everything
and beg for your forgiveness.
Judy, please. - I was right.|You are having an affair.
Yes, and I'm a rat.|- Oh, you are! - Judy, please.
Let go of me. - Isn't it better|to discuss it like civilised people?
Oh yes, it's better, dear.
It happened to me, and I...|- Will you keep out of this?
Alright, let's discuss it. - You ask|and I'll snap out the answers.
Alright. Who is she?
And it isn't Linda Bullard.|- It isn't Linda?
No. I spoke to Linda, and she told me|all about Winston Burr.
As a matter of fact, he called me too.
But that's beside the point.|Who is she?
Her name is Dolores.
Dolores who?
Dolores...
Yellowstone.
Dolores Yellowstone?|- Yes.
Where did you meet her?|- At a health food restaurant.
Is she young?|- Yes.
What is she, a chorus girl,|a stripper or something?
Certainly not! She's a|marine biologist at the aquarium.
Did any of my friends see|you two together? - Of course not.
And, by the way,|she wasn't worth the trouble.
Oh, who asked you for that? - No one.|I just threw it in as a bonus.
When will you see her again?|- Never. - Never?
It's over, finished. We broke up.
Do you expect me to believe that?|- Well, it's true.
Don't you know|I can always tell when you're lying?
I'm telling the truth.|I'm never going to see her again.
I repent. I loathe her.|- I don't believe you've broken up.
It's true. I sent Dolores to New York,|to start a new life.
What do you mean?|- Well, she didn't want to go.
She was broke.|I insisted that she go.
I gave her money,|and put her on that plane.
Oh, really, George? - Yes.|- How much did you give her?
Well, I don't remember exactly.
Yes, I do. I'll prove it to you.
Here it is, a check made out to cash.
$1,000, and that's the end of Dolores.
What? And you were nagging|about the price of ham!
It was worth it to save our marriage.|- Well, it won't work,
I'll tell you that right now.|- What do you mean?
I was waiting to buy a ticket.|I was on my way to see a lawyer.
But then I started to think,|am I doing the right thing?
George has never lied before.
Maybe I should believe him.|So I didn't buy a ticket.
But now that you confessed,|George, it's all over.
I can't live with you another minute.|There's just no love left.
I feel nothing for you but...
pity.
Yes,
I certainly am to be pitied.
I don't suppose it would do any good|if I deny the whole thing over again?
What? - If I tell you|I never had another woman,
and I just made it up hoping you'd|forgive me? - Please, don't do it!
You'd just show your contempt|for me. I'm going home to pack.
And don't you try to follow me!|Goodbye, George.
Where are you, George?|There you are. Well, it worked, huh?
I told you to confess and it worked.|It didn't work?
Not even a bit? It failed totally?|You're going to hit me, right?
No, you're not going to hit me.|But you'll hurt me. George, please!
Excuse me, is Mr. Kimball in?|- No. - Are you Mrs. Kimball?
Yes, but I'm very busy. - If you|don't mind, I'll handle this with you.
This is the deed. Since he gave us|this check for $1,000 made out to cash
I thought he should have this receipt.
He gave you a $1,000 check?|- Yes, he did. - For what?
For your plot in Green Hills.|You must go up there with your hubby.
It's lovely now. Everything's|in bloom. - Just a minute, please.
My husband bought a cemetery plot?|- Yes. Didn't he tell you?
No.
Oh dog-gone it! I could tear my tongue|out! He wanted it to be a surprise.
I hope this doesn't take the joy out.|- No, not at all.
So, he did make up that confession.|There is no other woman.
No. But he|made arrangements for another man.
Mr. Kimball was very thoughtful.|He made provisions for a 2nd husband.
It's a very unique idea. In fact,|we're using it in our advertising.
I hope Mr. Kimball won't be angry|because I let this slip out.
Oh, I got it, Mr...? - Akins.|- Suppose we don't tell him?
Just mail these to him, Okay?|He'll never know that I found out.
Good! Then he can still surprise you.|- Yes. - You're a good egg! Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Akins. Oh, I'm sorry.
Don't worry, I'll slip out the back.
Don't be a stranger.
Will you at least let me|drive you to the station?
Suppose I told you|I changed my mind about leaving you?
What about my affair with Dolores?
I've decided to forgive you.|- You have? - Yes.
Don't you move!
Hi, Ju... George!
Who was that?
It was the florist. Sort of.
Oh, George, what was that?|- A thorn.
Have we got any iodine?|- No.