Good afternoon, freshmen,
freshwomen and, uh,
people of freshness.
Welcome to Stratford University's
freshman orientation.
I'm your tour guide,
Darryl Witherspoon.
I got another tour group in about
a half hour, so let's get to tourin'.
Come on. Come on.
Speed walk. Speed walk.
It's good for your soul.
That's it. You got it.
So, as an economics major,
this is where I spend
the majority of my time.
And thanks to Stratford University's
top-notch financial aid program...
[Coughs] Bullshit... I spend
the rest of my time giving tours,
working food services...
and delivering campus mail.
Now, this package has brought us
to the administration building.
And here, encased in this glass...
No, it's not Superfly's pimp cane.
This is the Truman Scepter.
This next package will be taking us...
to the neuropsychology building.
Let's go. Neuropsychology.
Let's go.
- Let's go. Here you go.
Hold that for me. Thanks, baby.
- [Claps]
Hey, we're gonna stop over
at the cafeteria and bust a little suds.
Girls wash. Guys dry.
Whoo!
And here we have
Stratford University's prizewinning...
neuropsychology department.
Oh, I just wanted to thank you
all for helping me out with
my campus maintenance duties.
I think it's a beautiful thing.
But remember,
plastic goes in the blue,
paper in the green.
Be back in a jiff.
Whoo!
Hello?
Dr. Wheedon?
Got a package for you.
Um, right there's fine.
Thank you.
Wow. That little fellow glows
in the dark, huh?
I wish the ones at my mom's house
would glow in the dark.
Um...
Thank you.
There's a building, building, building.
That building's old.
That building got windows.
And here we are,
back at Albert Lovett Library.
And that, my friends,
is the end of your tour.
And the beginning of yours.
Welcome.
[Man] Gaining 13 and three quarters,
utilities up about a fifth of a point.
- And the big-board composite
up.6 and 45236.
- [Phone Rings]
- There were over 115 million
shares traded on the big board.
- [Sighs]
- Yeah.
- [Woman On Phone] Hi. Darryl?
Hey, Ma. How you doin'?
Oh, same old, same old.
Blase, blase.
The kids are drivin' me crazy,
stove don't work and the roaches
are gettin' attitude.
So, when do you start
your new job on Wall Street?
Well, I don't exactly
have the job.
There's a lot of competition
for that Smythe-Bates job.
My oldest son is gonna starve.
- I'm not going to starve.
- How are you gonna pay your tuition?
Ma, I'll just get
another job, okay?
[Sighs] Well, you know,
I didn't want to say anything,
but they threatened to turn off the gas.
Just send me the bill.
How much is it?
- $223.
- Damn, what you cookin'?
Well, baby, we got to eat.
And you know I like to cook
everything down nice and slow.
- You know.
- Uh, just send it, Ma.
I didn't wanna tell you this,
but, uh, you know I'm front-runner
for that Smythe-Bates job.
I'm so proud of you.
And the job pays $60,000 a year.
- Oh, baby.
- So, you, Darius, Lyndell,
Brandon and April...
Y'all don't have to worry.
- I love you, Darryl.
- [Makes Kissing Noise]
[Receiver Clicking Off]
- [Sighs]
- [Phone Rings]
[Old Woman Voice] Hello?
[Woman] This is the Stratford
University tuition office.
May I speak to Darryl Witherspoon?
Uh, no, uh, Darryl's not
with us anymore.
He, uh, he die.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- [Tearfully]
Yeah, th-they killed my baby.
He got involved with that whole
East Coast/West Coast thing,
and being that he is from Chicago,
they both banged on him.
Hi. Darryl Witherspoon.
[Groaning]
[Mumbling]
Sammy Davis, Jr. Jr.
[Groaning]
Lza Kill D. Wipe.
Thank you.
[Moaning]
I am Ishmael Achmel
Mohammed Hach-tooey... [Spits]
[Gasps]
Ooh!
Have you donated sperm before?
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh. And you're familiar
with the procedure?
Well, I've been doing it
since I was 12.
The payment procedure. Fifty dollars
upon procurement of the sperm.
Cool. Um, do you have
any of those procurement aids?
Oh, certainly.
Dirty, Beaver Hunt, Big Butt.
- Damn!
- Bondage Cheerleaders.
- [Bell Rings]
- [Man Moaning]
Ooh, four.
I'm good for one more.
Just give me somethin' really freaky.
- Like some Siamese midget twins
menaging a goat or somethin'.
- Okay.
Ah, what's up?
What's happenin', my man?
- Hey.
- Got some more hair for you.
Hey, look man, I can't do nothin'
with them naps. You're back too soon.
- Come on, man. I need this money, man.
- I can't help you.
Please. Come on, man.
Hey, brother, look. I got some
real good hair for you, man.
- Look at the bush.
- Hey, look.
- It ain't that kind of party, man, hey.
- Come on. Look, brother.
- I'll throw in the ass hair for free.
- Step!
Oh, hey, dog. Landlord came by again,
looking for your part of the rent.
- God, it must be nice having a...
- A hockey scholarship?
Look, I'm not in the guilt game,
all right? My heart is light.
- What's with the X?
- That's, uh...
That's a symbol of my pledge.
See, I'm denying myself
certain pleasures, eh?
Eating meat.
Drinking alcohol. Sex.
- Sex?
- Yeah, all forms of sex.
Consider this.
Without pain and deprivation,
one can never experience
true pleasure.
You know, this is just like when you
converted to Buddhism freshman year.
Uh-huh? Then you went premed,
then Republican and then
the Tony Robbins tapes.
And let's not forget
your little bisexual stage.
Well, that just lasted two hours.
Well, two and a half.
You try watchin' Brad Pitt
in Interview With A Vampire
and not feel a little conflicted.
Look, man, all I'm sayin'...
pick an obsession, stay with it.
- All right?
- Mmm.
- [Metal Jangling]
- Okay, what's the new chiming sound?
Oh, uh, that's
my Prince Albert.
- A what?
- Yeah, I got a piercing
through my urethra.
And I run a chain
from that to my scrotum.
- Listen.
- [Ringing]
Ohh.
With piercing, uh,
it's about pain and pleasure.
Like you, for instance, right?
You got that inner pain,
that hunger for success.
And when you get it,
it's gonna be all the more sweet, dog.
[Chattering]
Hello, Darryl.
Runnin' low on bacon bits over here.
- Hi, Scott.
- No emergency.
Just somethin' to keep
in the back of your head.
Oh, well, thank you for the pork report.
Appreciate it.
- You going up for that Smythe-Bates job?
- Oh, yeah.
I'm kind of the pace car
in this Employment 500.
3.8 G.P.A. Varsity sailing.
Kappa House social chairman.
Your dad runs the third-largest bank
in Manhattan.
Oh, yeah, and that.
Right.
Ahh-Ahh-Ahh
Ahh-Ahh-Ahh
- Ahh-Ahh-Ahh
- Ooh, lookie, lookie,
Darryl sees a cookie.
- Ahh-Ahh-Ahh
- Is that Hidden Valley?
Or are you just happy
to see me?
- Ahh-Ahh-Ahh
- [Chuckles]
- Ahh-Ahh-Ahh
- Uh, ah, da...
[Man Narrating] Smythe-Bates has
long enjoyed a reputation...
as one of the world's premier
investment firms.
That is why each year we choose our new
junior analysts with tremendous care.
The Smythe-Bates man or woman
has a high G.P.A.,
a record of athletic achievement
and ties of tradition
to our firm through some...
of the more prominent
fraternal organizations on campus.
Because we regard the junior analyst
position not as a stopping point,
but as a stepping stone to greatness.
[Video Clicks Off]
Now, class, I would like for you
to extend a very warm welcome
to my old friend,
Mr. Randall Tyson
of Smythe-Bates Brokers.
- Randall?
- Thank you, Professor Engel.
Good to see you.
Uh, well, this old room holds
many memories for me.
- I logged quite a bit
of nap time in that back row.
- [Darryl Laughs Loudly]
I sincerely wish that we had a place
for all of you,
but that's not the case.
Five of you will be chosen,
and out of the five finalists,
the student who most closely resembles
the ideal employee...
will be chosen for the position
of junior analyst at Smythe-Bates.
Good luck to all of you.
All right, class, in the case study
that we were examining last week...
Now, the markets are up,
but consumer spending...
and corporate profit margins are down.
- Now, how would the social
planner remedy this, huh?
- [Darryl] Ooh!
- [Boy] Sir?
- Downsize the labor force.
- What?
- This increases profit,
and the resulting price cuts...
stimulate consumer spending.
- Yo, difference of opinion here.
- Uh, Mr. Witherspoon...
and we can do without the yo-ing...
What he's sayin' is
let's help people by firing them.
Now, this seems to me,
ebonically speaking, whack.
Perhaps Darryl does have
a special insight into the blue collar,
or, should I say,
hairnet mentality.
Oh!
[Laughs]
Look...
Wicks Morton Industrials, okay?
In 1988, their wages exceeded
their profit margins,
but instead of firing people,
what they did was they offered
employee contracts with wage givebacks.
And guess what. Their employees
spent 50 percent more
than they did the previous year.
Now, what that proves is what the
average Joe on the street already knows.
The more money they have,
the more money they can spend.
He's absolutely right. Wicks Morton did
do the right thing by their employees.
But then again, instead of
laying off workers, they took
out a $20 million loan...
from a certain bank here in Manhattan,
and from what I hear,
- From your dad?
- They're on the verge of defaulting.
So what happens to your average
workin' Joe when Wicks Morton goes down?
I don't think they're gonna end up
in the checkout line.
I think it's gonna be
the unemployment line.
And the president of the company
is gonna be right there with them.
Ebonically speaking,
you don't know shit.
Dare I say,
you're out of your league.
Darryl, although carrying water
is technically an aerobic activity,
- it does not qualify you
to play college-level hockey.
- [Sticks Clattering]
Coach, please. Look, I need this time.
Please, Coach.
Look, I'm just a brother from the hood
with a simple dream to play hockey.
Don't make me turn
to drugs or gangs...
- [Grunting]
- LaFlour!
- He's on your team.
- Just following through, Coach!
- Yeah. Sure, Tim.
- [Grunts]
- Hey, Tim.
When was the last time
you had sex?
- Why?
- You're just a little jumpy,
that's all.
- [Neck Cracking]
- Hey, can you do me a favor?
Can you please talk to the coach and try
and get me some time on the ice?
I need a sport, or I'm not gonna get
the Smythe-Bates job.
Please. I need it
for my family, man.
Right, yeah,
I'll talk to Coach for ya, eh?
Thanks, Tim.
Uh, these things
are too tight!
[Grunts]
[Player #1] Nice shot!
[Player #2] The outside!
[Buzzer Rings]
- Come on. Come on.
- [Blows Whistle]
[High-Pitched Scream, Grunts]
Wait. Wait.
[Continues Screaming, Grunting]
- [Blows Whistle]
- [Darryl Screaming]
- [Blows Whistle]
- [Darryl] Uh, wait!
Uh, oh... Oh, my ass!
[Grunts]
[Screaming Continues]
Wait.
My sack, my sack, my sack!
[Tim] Hip-Hup-Zip-Hup!
Freshmen.
- Hey, what's up?
I got somethin' to show you, eh!
- I don't wanna see it.
No, no, no. You know how I always lose
my apartment key, right?
I always lose it.
But look... look wh...
It's new.
I call it my key to happiness.
Oh, my God. You know what you are?
You're a freak show.
- [Laughs]
- Hey, the landlord called again.
I'm worried about you, right?
Don't worry about it, dog.
I'll get the rent.
Hey, it's all good, dog.
Listen, you may not have faith in fate.
But, my man,
fate has faith in you.
Welcome. You are here to participate
in the first round of human testing...
of Protocol 563.
You'll be the first people
to take this drug.
Federal regulations require me
to list all possible
side effects of this experiment.
Please listen carefully. This drug has
not been shown to be toxic in rats...
and should be similarly nontoxic
in human beings, theoretically.
Potential side effects
may include nausea,
insomnia, headaches,
flaking of the scalp,
intestinal cramping,
constipation, rectal burning,
rectal itching, rectal swelling...
and dizziness.
- Sir?
- [Snoring] Yes.
- Did you hear me?
- Yeah. Rectal itchin'. No problem.
- And you are willing to participate?
- It's paying, right?
[Squeaking]
This is a model of the drug
we've created here.
It is designed
to increase the senses...
far beyond levels ever experienced
by a human being before.
Are you following this?
Yeah. What are you sayin'?
I'll be able to see better?
- Like an eagle.
- How 'bout my hearin'?
- Ultrasonic.
- Taste, smell and feelin' too?
The five senses will be magnified
ten times over.
Wow.
Supersenses.
This is the drug.
How you take it is
of the utmost importance.
You must take exactly six cc's
every single day.
And you must inject it
into the buttocks.
- These are your instructions.
- How much do I get paid?
You must also take it when your
serotonin levels are at their lowest,
just before you go to bed.
How much do I get paid?
If and when your senses
become heightened,
the initial phase will be
disorienting and disturbing.
[Inhaling Sharply]
Deep breathing may help.
- Are there any questions?
- How much do I get paid?
Um, well, since you're
the only person,
after the experiment's over,
you get $3,000.
$3,000?
- Whoo! $3,000.
- [Clears Throat]
Doctor, look, for $3,000...
you can inject me
with the Ebola virus, okay?
$3,000.
Doctor, for $3,000, I'm gonna be
your little Outbreak monkey, okay?
Hey what's with all the bongs
and the booze?
Going to a party
at Rick James' house?
No, just doin' a little winter cleaning,
purifying the apartment, eh?
Oh, that sounds fine. Me, I'm gonna
go in there, eat a little pig,
smoke a little crack,
masturbate a little bit.
- Care to join me?
- No, all I'm doing tonight is soaking...
little limp Timmy
in some rubbing alcohol.
- Oh.
- Turns out the Prince Albert
was a bad idea.
Yeah, I could've told you that one.
Hey, dude, I wanted to thank you, man.
I got a little bit of time on the ice.
I think my game is improving.
Uh, about that, the thing is...
I've been practicing how to say
this all night, dog...
'Cause the thing is, the last
thing I would want to do
is hurt your feelings, right?
- You got your key?
- Oh.
'Cause sometimes, you know,
sometimes when it comes to hockey,
sometimes people suck.
Look, I don't care, okay?
The only reason I'm playing hockey
or doin' this stupid frat...
is to get
the Smythe-Bates job.
Oh, I know that.
But to suck at hockey the way you suck,
you know, suck the way
that fat kids or old people
might suck... I mean, you suck.
Hey! I mean,
you really suck.
I mean, it's like, you know, you get
on the ice and you're horrifying.
- You just watch.
You're like a hoser on there...
- Would you give me that?
- [Rips]
- [Screams, Whimpers]
I'm sorry.
Do you wanna freak
Do you wanna freak
Do you wanna freak
- Do you wanna freak
- Damn. Mmm.
- [People Cheering]
- I'm gonna freak it for ya
- I'm gonna freak
- Ooh, what's up, baby?
Do you wanna freak
- Do you wanna freak
- [Gasping]
[Bystander] Oh, man!
Ooh, you like that?
You wanna see
some more of this later?
Whoo! Hey, hey, you got pull
around here, right?
Hey, why don't you pledge me? I wanna
be a Kappa. Come on, man. Pledge me.
Look, you can beat me, spank me.
Look, you could brand the inside
of my crack. Please.
Excuse me?
Oh, no. I was just, um...
I'm... Hi.
You're high.
Well, that would explain it.
No, I'm not high as in, you know,
[Snorts] high.
I mean "hi" as in "hello."
How are you? Hi.
Darryl.
Hey, I was wondering if maybe,
you know, me and you could...
Let me guess. Maybe we could
get together a little later.
Get to know each other
a little better...
over a glass of something
with alcohol in it, right?
If you don't drink,
we could have a Yoo Hoo or somethin'.
Janice.
- Could I call you?
- Maybe.
- Witherspoon.
- Hey, Scott.
- Rushing as a senior, huh?
- Hey, just trying to join a frat, man.
- Right on. Have a seat.
- Cool.
By the way, it's "fraternity,"
not "frat." You wouldn't call
your country a...
Hey, whoa.
Not since the Bush years.
You know what I'm sayin'?
- Ooh.
- I know why you're here, buddy.
You see what you want and you go
after it, and I like that.
But we're not here for you
to put on your resume so you
can get the Smythe-Bates job.
Oh, I get it. You're here
so you can put it on your resume.
- You know what I'm sayin', brother?
- Darryl, you little table turner.
The truth is, you're too good
for us here, man.
You're too cool.
We're a bunch of nerds.
You wouldn't fit in. Like Stan here.
He's captain of the wrestling team.
He wins all the time. He's a bore.
Or Thomas, class president.
What's up, baby? Still can't get a hang
of the whole "bad means good" thing.
Doesn't make sense to him.
Bottom line is,
you're an MTV video.
Everybody say, "Hey, ho."
And we're VH1 on James Taylor weekend.
We're a bunch of phonies,
Darryl, but you're keepin' it real.
Don't let us ruin that.
- Scott. Come on, man.
- You're just not Kappa material.
But, Scott, I'm sayin'...
But thanks for tryin'.
- [Whistling]
- [Onlookers Laughing]
[Continues Whistling]
- Bye-bye.
- [Mocking Tone] Darryl.
[Together] Darryl.
Darryl.
[Laughter Resumes]
[Chattering]
[Children Yelling]
Can't get no worse than this.
[Girl] Okay, thanks.
This exam counts very heavily
toward your midterm grade.
So if you are going
for that Smythe-Bates job,
I suggest you take it very seriously.
[Sniffing]
[Continues Sniffing]
Excuse me. Somebody isn't
zestfully clean this morning.
Screw you.
I'm clean.
[Continues Sniffing]
Ooh.
[Cacophonous Bang]
- [Professor, Voice Amplified]
All right, people.
- Aah.
You have one hour
to complete this examination.
And you may begin now.
[Pencil Screeching Loudly]
Aah. Ohh.
[Amplified Ticking]
[Loud Clucking]
[Squeak, Sucking Noise, Swooshing]
[Grunting]
[Obnoxious Squeaking]
- [All Sounds Coming Together]
- [Grunting]
[Gasping]
Hey, Darryl, why don't you pull over
to the nervous breakdown lane?
[Wheezing]
- [Coughing, Sniffing]
- [Yawning]
[Coughing]
Hey, Queasy Jefferson,
bring it down a notch.
[Coughing Continues]
- [Loud Chewing]
- [Concussive Pounding]
- [Excessive Squeaking]
- [Discordant Scraping]
- [Gagging Noise]
- [Banging Like Basketball]
[Neck Cracking]
[Whimpering, Gasping]
- Will you all just cut this shit!
- [Girl] Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
- [All Whispering]
- You!
You better fix that damn watch.
And you, rich girl. We know you
got money. Put that damn diamond away.
And, eh, British guy,
if you gonna live in this country,
you'd better go see a damn dentist
about that stink-ass breath.
You smell like hot garbage!
Now, please, I'm tryin' to take
a test here! This is my future!
Mr. Witherspoon, sit down!
And one more outburst from you,
and you are out of my classroom!
Oh, I'm sorry, professor.
That was my Tourette's syndrome.
Piss on me, I'm on fire!
I just... I just can't help it.
Michael Jackson's a Puerto Rican!
[Squealing]
O.J.'s on welfare. I seen him
on the line. I just can't help it.
You look like Bob Hope.
[Mumbling]
Dennis Rodman got a coochie!
I just really can't help it.
I can't.
I failed my test.
My dream is gone.
And this itching is tearin' my ass,
and it keeps gettin' worse and worse.
- You did this to me.
- Darryl, calm down. Calm down.
- Sit down. Come on.
- [Gasping] Get off.
- Sit down.
- [Grunting]
- Excuse me.
- Now.
- Oh, Mama. Ahh.
- Follow the light with your eyes.
Okay. [Screams]
What are you tryin'
to do, blind me?
Oh, my God,
I wanna kill you so bad.
[Groans]
[Grunts]
- [Continues Grunting, Groaning]
- [Muttering]
This is excellent.
Excellent?
No, Doctor, this is not excellent.
This is an outrage. I'm gonna sue
your ass. I'm gonna sue you.
Darryl, you are experiencing
advanced rectal irritation.
But the pain will pass
as your neural pathways adjust.
Doc, you got nice nails.
Can you scratch this for me, please?
Right there. Ahh.
- Oh, yeah.
- To gain control...
over your senses,
you have to exercise them.
Your brain is trying to cope with
heightened human perception.
- You have to help that process.
- Mm-hmm.
- Concentrate.
- [Groaning]
Focus, and you will gain control
over your supersenses.
Ow! God. Oh, spread it.
Ohh!
[Panting] Hey, Doctor,
can I borrow these?
Thank you.
Ahh.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh!
Ahh.
- [Ripping Sound]
- [Screams, Grunts]
[Darryl] What's the matter?
Uh... I got a snag.
- [Jangling]
- [Grunts] Yeah.
Yeah.
- You are weird.
- I'm weird?
Look at you.
Are you all right?
- Oh, I'm just not feeling well.
- That's too bad.
I'm going over to the hockey rink.
Ah, I gave up on hockey.
- It's stupid.
- You gave up?
I heard back
from Smythe-Bates today.
[Sighs, Muffled]
I'm not even a finalist.
- Not a what?
- I'm not a finalist.
Well, you don't want to be hanging out
with those Wall Street losers anyway.
[Sighs] What am I gonna tell my mom?
Oh, dog. I'm sorry.
[Car Horns Honking,
Traffic Sounds]
Aah.
- [Panting] Focus, concentrate.
- [Horns Honking]
- Find the control.
- [Tires Screeching Loudly]
[Wings Fluttering Loudly]
[Breathing Deeply]
[Baby Crying At Normal Volume]
Oh, my God.
[Bell Tolling]
Normal.
Super.
Normal.
- Super.
- [Footfalls Amplified]
Damn.
[Making Smooching Noises]
[Glass Clinking]
Stratford University would like to
welcome our five excellent finalists,
their families
and the distinguished executives...
of the Smythe-Bates company
to this very special banquet.
[All Together]
Hear, hear.
[Man #1] You look so sexy
in that bow tie.
[Man #2] Do you want to come
on over after?
- Oh, that'd be great.
I just wanna lick you up and down.
- Shh.
I'm gonna tie you
to the bed post...
and beat the shit out of you
with my black leather whip.
Hey, Darryl, you eat this kind
of crap, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay, tell me if it's sweet enough.
Mmm.
Mmm, good. Mmm.
Mmm.
Where you get this from?
This is the best thing I ever tasted.
Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm. God.
Mmm. Delicious!
Wait, wait.
Your button's all messed up!
- You're always looking out for me.
- Ooh.
- Eh, what table you got?
- The dais.
Well, now you got table four and six.
Thank you.
Now I have to toss more salads.
Good evenin', Mr. Tyson and student.
- Economics.
- Darryl Witherspoon. How are you, sir?
- This is Robert Bellweather.
- Hey, Mr. Bellweather. Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure.
- [Mr. Bellweather] Hello, Darryl.
- I will be your server this evening.
- Good.
Yippee.
You're an impressive candidate,
Mr. Thorpe, and I'm curious...
to hear about your opinions
on the current state of the market.
Certainly.
I, uh...
Uh, Darryl, is it... Can you be a buddy
and go fill that with somethin'?
[Whistles]
[Tyson] What's your opinion
of Shamada Technology, Scott?
- Shamada.
- Shamada.
[Scott] Oh, uh, Shamada Tech.
Right. They...
- That's a good question. They're, um...
- Here you are, Mr. Tyson.
An extra salad for you.
Just keep it on the download, okay?
- That's very generous,
but I've got plenty.
- Mr...
Mr. Tyson, please,
it's the least I can do...
for the man who's buyin' up Deauville
Publishin', settin' the trend for LBO's.
I mean, Mr. Tyson, you a genius.
Thank you.
No, Mr. Tyson, thank you.
Do you realize that all these
other companies follow your lead?
Let's take Shamada, for example.
They're gonna drop precipitously
in the fourth quarter.
Well, that's very odd.
We were just talking about that.
Get the... [Grunts]
Out of here!
You know about this?
How?
Mr. Tyson, economics is my life.
Actually, I read in the papers,
there's this Japanese firm
coming out with this new chip.
It's supposed to be twice
as fast and twice as cheap.
And with the debt that Shamada's
carrying from that last buyout,
I don't think
they're gonna make it.
If I was you guys,
I'd sell and sell fast.
- I already have.
- You did?
You see, and that is
why this man is a genius.
- You a genius.
- Hey, uh, waiter,
could I get some wine, please?
- Sure, my little friend.
What would you like?
- Who cares? Just go.
- Night Train it is.
- Uh, Darryl, some butter without salt.
That's a very bright young man.
[Plates Crashing]
Butter.
Butter, butter, butter.
Hey, where'd you guys
hide the butter?
Whoo!
Yes, it's so nice.
It really seems wonderful.
[Darryl] Go ahead.
Name a stock.
Okay, I got one.
Haskell Growth Fund.
Haskell Growth Fund.
341/8.
Am I right? Come on. Am I right?
Come on. Give it up. Give it up.
146 flat, down from a high of 180.
- Ha-ha!
- Ha-ha!
Fielding Industrials.
Fielding Industrials.
Uh, you know, I'm just gonna throw
this one out there.
You know, I'm just gonna...
just throw it out there.
- [Gasps]
- Fifty-five.
- And a half.
- That's it.
Huh? Huh?
The kid is nice, huh?
- How'd you memorize all this?
- It's kind of like your wife's bra size.
If you love it, you'll remember,
huh, tiger? Come on.
Come on, Mr. Tyson.
What's your wife's bra size?
- Thirty-six.
- Thirty-six what?
- C.
- Thirty-six C!
Well, young man, I haven't had
such an informative meal in some time.
- I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.
- How did you fail to qualify
for the final competition?
You know, I've been workin' four jobs
just to pay my tuition,
and, uh, I don't know,
I just blew my final exam.
Why should such a hard worker
be punished?
- You know, I feel
like bending the rules here.
- Too bad there's already five.
[Tyson]
What do you think, Bellweather?
He's certainly qualified
for the competition.
Good. Congratulations, Darryl.
You are now the sixth finalist.
Mr. Tyson, thank you, sir.
Thank you so much.
And thank you, Mr. Bellweather.
Thank you, sir.
I-I promise you,
you will not regret this.
For your sake, I'd better not.
But, uh, Mr. Tyson, uh...
Yes!
F-D-P-L-T-C-L.
Okay, other eye, bottom line.
The Hilsinger Company,
Plainville, Massachusetts,
02762, printed in the U.S.A.
Over in the corner is a fingerprint.
Right there.
It looks like a smudge
of jelly... strawberry.
It's the no-frills brand.
Somethin' real cheap.
Your five senses
are operating at levels...
no human being
has ever experienced.
- We have a lot of tests to do.
- Wait, wait, wait. No, Doc.
We can't do tests today. I'm late.
Just hook me up with my drugs,
and let me be on my way.
Just remember,
follow the regimen exactly.
- Do not exceed the dosage.
- Okay.
Oh, Doc, uh, I wanted to apologize
'cause, you know,
I came down really hard
on you the other day.
It's just that this drug, man, it's
the best thing that ever happened to me.
I mean, I feel like for the first time
in my life, I'm on top of the world.
Darryl, I realize that you feel
very powerful right now.
Just remember, power is a drug
all its own. Be careful.
Okay.
Oh, yeah. And, Doc...
[Grunts] Thank you.
Whoo!
Hey, it's the little engine
that could.
- Hey, what's up, Scott?
- This party's invite only.
No invitee, so good nighty.
Oh, what's the matter, Scott?
You feel that Smythe-Bates job
slippin' through your fingers?
- Huh? [Laughs]
- Dude, your last name
could be Smythe-Bates,
and you still wouldn't get this job,
'cause it's mine.
- Darryl!
- Hey, how you doin', Mr. Bellweather?
How are you?
Mr. Tyson.
- Hey, didn't know you were a Kappa.
- Actually, I'm not.
Darryl's the one that got away.
Now, if you'll excuse us.
Well, I think he's the sort of Kappa man
we should be pledging.
- Absolutely. I agree.
- Well, uh, Darryl's case...
has already been decided,
I'm sorry to say.
Scott, uh, we sit on the board of this
fraternity, and we endow it as well.
I think we've earned
some input, don't you?
- Hear, hear.
- Brothers, listen up!
Brother Bob Bellweather and I
would like you...
to reconsider the pledgeship
of Darryl Witherspoon.
All in favor of Darryl say "aye."
- [All Together] Aye.
- [Tyson] All opposed?
The ayes have it, Pledge Witherspoon!
Thanks, Scott.
- [Loud Slap]
- [Grunts, Chuckles] Welcome aboard.
[Woman Laughs]
Ooh, baby's got back.
Oh, my God, Tanya,
I can't believe you said that.
[Laughs]
[Janice] This place is so packed.
- I don't know why you drag me
to these parties.
- Girl, you come to meet a man.
- [Knocking]
- Anybody in this stall?
The problem, Tanya, is that the kind
of guy I wanna meet is never here.
- Oh, and what kind of guy is that?
- I don't know.
- Ooh, this seat is cold!
- Respectful, intelligent,
confident without being
full of himself.
Ooh, I tell ya. I'm full
of somethin' right about now.
[Laughs, Breaks Wind]
- [Sniffs] Damn.
- It's like everybody wants
to be the big man on campus.
- [Groaning]
- But nobody wants to be
the real man on campus.
[Tanya Groaning]
Oh.
[Groaning, Flatulence Continue]
[Choking]
Goddamn, girl, you smell like
somethin' crawled up in you and died.
- Not you.
- I'm beginning to feel
having standards is a curse.
- [Tanya Breaks Wind]
- Damn. What did you eat?
Corn?
I don't remember eatin' no corn!
Oh! Ech! Ach!
[Coughing]
- Are you okay in there?
- Girl, I feel like I just gave birth.
- [Toilet Flushing]
- Somebody smack its ass! [Laughing]
- Darryl.
- Hey.
I'm surprised to see you here.
Encore performance in the lion's den.
- I'm impressed.
- Well, thank you.
- [Clears Throat]
- Oh, Darryl, this is my friend Tanya.
- Hey.
- Hey.
[Speaks Mock Foreign Language]
Chaka Khan.
Well, Janice, I'm gonna leave
you and your friend alone
so y'all can get better acquainted.
You're not here for me, are you?
'Cause I'm not worth the humiliation
these guys are gonna...
- Is that a pledge pin?
- Yes.
- Where'd you get that?
- Girl, I earned it.
Look, when you want something, you gotta
be persistent in your passions.
Damn, you smell good as hell.
Is that a little bit of oak...
[Sniffs]
Some flowers,
a little bit of vanilla?
Wow, that's exactly right.
Anyway, I should be going.
Hey, I'll walk you home.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- [Biker] Whoa, comin' through.
- Hey, watch yourself.
So? [Laughs]
I really don't give a damn about
them fraternities, you know?
I'm just doin' it
'cause it's a means to an end.
I'm just tryin' to get this job
and help my family out.
See, I've always been
like a father...
to my little sister
and my brothers.
Well, my father's pushing me
to take pre-law classes,
but what I really love is
my 20th century poets course.
Hey, you know what.
I think my boy Tim is in your class.
White guy. Lanky.
Tall. Piercings.
- Ah, the pincushion kid.
- Yeah.
[Sniffing]
What?
Where are we going?
Darryl, what are you doing?
- [Gasps]
- Sometimes you find
the most amazing thing...
in the most unexpected places.
- [Darryl] What?
- [Janice] I'm just trying to decide...
whether I should break
my "no kissing on the first date" rule.
- Oh, so this was a date?
- No.
- Oh.
- Just planning ahead.
That's good.
Hey, don't worry.
I don't want you to think that I'm just
tryin' to get into your panties.
I mean, I'm pretty sure
they're really nice panties,
but I just wanna take it
a little slow.
How 'bout dinner at my place?
I'll call you.
- I'll answer.
- Okay.
[Exhales]
- Ooh!
- Say, Jack!
What wrong with you?
Junkie gun.
Darryl, no.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I was, uh, just in there taking
some special medicine.
- Yeah. It's all yours.
- Thanks.
- Good night.
- Good night, eh?
[Darryl]
Yo, Coach! Coach!
- Witherspoon,
what are you doin' in pads?
- I've been practicing.
- When did you learn
to skate like that?
- Uh, I watch Ice Capades videos.
But please, Coach, let me go out
there on the ice and show you
what I can do. Please?
Just give me one good reason
why I should?
Holy mother of crap.
[Kung Fu Yell] Ooh!
Ya-Ya!
Come with it.
Whoo!
- [Whistle Blows]
- [Players Shouting]
[Yelling]
[Continues Kung Fu Yell]
[Yelling Together]
[Crowd Cheering]
This is Stratford University radio
coming to you live...
from Baxter Rink,
where the Panthers are set...
to open their season
against Brownstone U.
That's right, Chet,
and the only questions this year are...
how badly will they stink,
how consistently will they stink...
and will they ever not stink?
Whoo! Whoo!
That's the new stopper,
Darryl Witherspoon, who's the first...
African American to play for Stratford.
["Fanfare"]
[Blows Whistle]
[Chet] Bender takes a face-off,
passes over to Avery.
- Avery back to Bender.
- [Grunts]
- Stay down!
- Ooh, Flushing checked by LaFlour!
- What got into him?
- Stratford recovers now.
Pass ahead to LaFlour on the floor now,
chases it down behind the net.
Ooh, Brownstone regains control as...
Oh, Chet!
They're really bringin'
on the pain tonight.
And here comes Bender.
Bender over to Avery.
Avery back to Bender.
Shot! Save!
Oh, what a stop by the newcomer, uh,
Darryl... Wither... spoon.
All right.
Bender now kicks it off.
Speeding down center ice.
Shot. And the glove save!
Hard to believe anybody could've
stopped that shot,
let alone someone on our team.
And the Panthers now charge back.
Up ahead to LaFlour.
LaFlour smoothing down center ice.
Shot! Score!
And Stratford takes the lead
for the first time in my life!
- [Whistle Blows]
- And LaFlour wins the face-off
for the Panthers.
And with just two minutes left
in the game, Stratford still has
a one-point lead.
And rookie Darryl Witherspoon is
just this close to a shutout.
Ooh, nasty check!
Brownstone regains control. Pass to
Bender, who shoots! Save, Witherspoon!
Everyone's gonna be asking
the same question, Chet.
Where'd this kid come from,
and who the hell is he?
Ten seconds now left in the game,
and here comes trouble.
Bender over to Avery. They've drawn
out Witherspoon. The net is wide open.
- Avery to Bender. Shot!
- [Yells]
- Save!
- Stratford wins!
Stratford wins!
I don't believe it!
Go, baby!
Whoo!
- [Laughs]
- I love that kid.
The Panthers are back,
and, baby, they're black!
[All Cheering]
[Tyson] What do you think
of this possible Irving Genetic
Wilcom merger, Scott?
[Scott] Well, uh, Irving stock
just hit a five-year high,
so I'd say the outlook's
pretty rosy.
Scott, you're
a very impressive young man.
Very impressive, indeed.
- Hello, Darryl.
- Hi, how you doin', Mr. Tyson?
Darryl, I'm sorry to keep you waiting,
but Mr. Tyson...
and I were just interfacing
about some things.
Oh, really.
You wouldn't happen to be interfacing...
about the Irving Genetics merger,
would you?
- Yes, we were.
- Well, I hope you mentioned
that the CEO of that company...
is known for bluffing to drive
up his stock prices right before
he sells his own shares.
- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.
Come on, Darryl.
Thank you, Scott.
Oopsy.
Sir, I realize
that I'm last on your list,
but I want you to know I would
do absolutely anything to get
this junior analyst position.
It's gonna take a lot to convince
that board of mine...
to pick you over
the other five candidates.
You know, playing hockey
and becoming a Kappa,
that helps, but now they have
such high expectations.
- You think you can match that?
- Match and exceed.
The board's gonna make its decision
five days after the final competition.
Bob Bellweather wants
to spend some quality time
with each of the candidates.
So, here you go.
Floor seats, Knicks game, Friday night.
- Floor seats?
- [Chuckles]
Oh, wow.
We'll be joined by Arlo Vickers.
- From Vickers Mining?
- That's right.
He's considering becoming a client.
Now, if you can impress him
as much as you've impressed us,
that would help quite a bit.
Sir, say no more.
No problem.
Not another word, babe
Oh, that may have been
the best meal I've ever had.
- Well, thank you.
- Where'd you learn to cook like that?
Oh, I've just been experimentin'
a little lately.
See, cooking, it's all about balancing
your taste and smell and texture.
It's magic.
Is there anything you can't do?
Take my eyes off you.
Why no one wants
to be in love anymore
Don't know what you feel
or think, baby
You can overlook the doubting
And trying to be perfect
[Sports Announcer Calling Game]
"Love is a ripe plum
growing on a purple tree."
"Love is a ripe plum
growing on a purple tree."
[Tim] "Taste it once,
and the spell of its enchantment
will never let you be."
"Taste it once, and the spell of
its enchantment will never let you be."
Langston Hughes.
You know Langston Hughes?
Yeah, I know Langston Hughes.
"Love is a bright star glowing
in the far southern skies."
"Love is a bright star glowing
in the far southern skies."
"Look too hard, and its burning flame
will always hurt your eyes."
[Darryl] "Look too hard,
and its burning flame...
will always hurt your eyes."
"These feelings of love,
truth be told,
- [Sportscaster Calls Game]
- All I want is..."
"All I want is to..."
[Scott] Score!
Score!
[Intense Panting, Moaning]
[Panting Intensifies]
Oh.
Oh, God. Uh.
No touch...
No touching.
[Sighing] Whoo!
You the best.
You've got to be kidding.
Excuse me, how much will I get
for filling this?
Oh, um, ooh...
[Laughs]
[Man Chattering On TV]
Hey.
Ha-Ha.
- [Kids Shouting]
- What a surprise.
Hey, relax,
I just saw you last week.
Everybody, hi.
This is Janice.
[Kids Together] Hi!
- This is April,
my beautiful little sister.
- Hi.
- And this is my little man, Darius.
- Hi.
And that's Brandon.
And this right here is...
Hello there, my beautiful sister.
Hey, man. Watch out.
This one's mine.
You better watch your back.
[Kisses]
Let me get a good look at my Darryl's
girl. Oh, you are a pretty thing.
- [Brandon Laughing]
- Hey, come here.
- Hey, hey. You been smokin' cigarettes?
- Uh-uh.
Don't lie to me. Yes.
[Sniffs] Yes, you have.
Menthol. Let me tell you something.
If I catch you smokin' cigarettes,
I'm gonna put somethin' on you,
you understand me?
- We good? All right.
- Mm-hmm. We good.
- Come here.
- Oh, man.
Uh-huh. Go on.
Now we good.
So, Janice, were you
in the gifted class?
- Oh, we had a program at sc...
- 'Cause you know my Darryl
needs a gifted woman.
After all, he was the smartest child
in his high school class.
Except for that Korean girl.
What was her name, Darryl?
Fat Crack Ho, or somethin' like that.
Hey. About in the hall, I heard Mom
talking with your teachers on the phone.
- You messing up in school again?
- No.
I didn't do nothin'.
Where'd you hear that from?
I got magic ears
like a superhero, see?
- Yeah, right.
- Hey, look.
I make you a deal. I'll give you
a quarter for every "A" you get.
- A quarter?
- Okay, all right. A dollar.
Man, you're an economics major.
Ain't you heard of inflation?
- Hey, Ma. Here.
- Uh-uh, honey.
Take it.
You need it more than I do.
Thank you, Darryl.
Normally I wouldn't take this.
When I get this job, gonna be
a whole lot more where that came from.
You know, Janice, whenever I get angry
about their daddy leaving,
I just remember
what he left behind.
- [Door Opens]
- What's up, dude?
[Metal Jangling]
Hello, baby.
[Clicks Tongue]
[Unzipping]
- [Straining]
- [Spraying Sound]
Aah!
[Door Opens]
Hey.
- Taking more medicine?
- Yep.
How's that goin', eh?
Dude, it's going great. It's like
the best thing that ever happened to me.
Ever since I started taking
this medicine, I feel so focused.
I mean, things are absolutely great
between me and Janice;
I'm this close to getting into a frat;
I'm a shoo-in for the Smythe-Bates job...
- You're playing like an
all-star hockey goalie, huh?
- It's the medicine!
You act like you're invincible.
That medicine doesn't make you
a different person.
- You're still the same old Darryl.
- Yeah?
Well, tomorrow, I'm gonna be
the same old Darryl... times two.
A double dose won't kill me.
[Exhaling]
[Unzipping]
[Ringing]
[Ringing Continues]
[Ringing Stops]
What the hell's wrong with my arm?
[Grunts]
My arm is asleep.
[Grunting]
[Groans]
[Objects Clattering]
[Groans]
[Voice Distorted]
You didn't...
exceed the dosage, did you?
What? Exceed the...
Come on, Doctor.
What am I, stupid? Yes, I did.
Darryl, what were you thinking?
I don't know.
I have to generate all new data.
To hell with your data.
What is my problem?
A flood of serotonin...
has desensitized your receptors.
- The neural plasticity...
- [Amplified Whooshing]
[Voice Echoing]
Of your brain has compensated...
by allowing you the use of only four
of your given senses at any given time,
with the missing one
constantly switching.
So, if you can see,
smell, taste and hear,
you can't feel anything.
And if you can feel, smell,
taste and hear, you can't see.
- And if you can see, feel...
- Okay, okay!
Doc, I get the point.
Just tell me, how do you fix it?
[Echoing Stops]
It's nothing I can fix.
The drug just has to...
[Voice Echoing]
Pass through your system.
Trust me.
You'll know when it's gone.
And how long will that take?
Three days.
And I suggest you stay in bed.
Doc, the next three days
are going to decide my life.
The Smythe-Bates competition
is on Monday.
- God, this is like a bad dream.
- Darryl.
Your condition is...
[Voice Echoing] highly unstable.
[Voice Fading] With your senses
switching on and off...
without warning, anything...
Doctor, I'm pretty sure
what you're saying...
would make a whole lot more sense
if I could hear you!
[Car Horns Honking,
People Chattering]
[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Madison Square Garden,
the home of your New York Knicks.
[Darryl] Man, I love the Knicks.
You know, when I was little,
I used to always watch the game on TV...
and I used to always say,
"I wonder who all those lucky
people are sitting courtside."
- Now you're the lucky one, huh?
- Thanks to you.
- Hey, you the man.
- I am.
Gentlemen.
- Tyson.
- Glad you could make it.
Mr. Vickers.
I'm Darryl Witherspoon.
- It's a pleasure to make
your acquaintance, sir.
- Nice meeting you too, Darryl.
- It's a pleasure.
- [Horn Sounding]
- [Announcer]
...the group discount ticket...
- Hey, Darryl.
[Voice Echoing]
What say we get some beers and nuts?
Uh... Hey, I have a great idea.
What do you say we all
get something to drink?
Wait.
Let's get some beers!
Huh? Huh?
[Announcer] And now,
ladies and gentlemen, please rise...
for the national anthem.
Hey, wait. Sit down!
I'll grab 'em. Sit. Hey!
- Beer!
- ["The Star-Spangled Banner"
Playing]
- Hey! Beer!
- [Vickers Chuckling]
Why is everybody standing?
Excuse me. Cuckoo!
Excuse me!
Beer, please!
There must be a fight or something.
Everybody's standing up.
- Excuse me. Excuse me. Oh!
- [Continues]
- [Men] Hey!
- Beers!
Thank God one of you's
got a goddamn pulse.
[Darryl] Beer!
Beer! Beer!
[Players Chattering, Shouting]
[Cheering, Shouting, Whistling]
Beer!
[Whooping]
No. No, not now!
I'm sorry. Excuse me. My bad.
I'm sorry. My bad.
Damn it. Hey, Arlo.
Move over.
[Sighs]
Don't tell me. Knicks are losing.
Man, they suck!
That Patrick Ewing,
boy, he's a bum.
I mean, 7' 10", and can't make an easy
layup. That's just a waste of height.
You seen Patrick Ewing's
"Got Milk" commercial?
Man, "Got Milk"? I had milk since I seen
Patrick Ewing's ugly ass drinking it.
He make a mother lactose intolerant.
[Darryl Guffawing]
He look like a Haitian Sasquatch!
Jamaican.
Jamaican?
[Shrieks]
[Chuckling Nervously]
Hi, Mr. Ewing.
Mr. Ewing, I think you're beautiful.
No! Mr. Ewing, wait. Mr. Ewing.
Mr. Ewing! [Grunts]
[Camera Shutters Clicking]
You're still ugly, motherfucker.
[Groans]
[Car Horns Honking]
[Sighs] So, how bad did I do?
- Well, Vickers is signing
the papers tomorrow.
- Vickers is gonna sign?
You're gonna get the account?
You don't look happy.
If it weren't for the fact
Arlo Vickers is one-quarter man,
three-quarters pig,
you'd be gone.
I'll see you Sunday at the hockey game.
- I expect, for your sake,
you'll be at your best?
- Yes, sir.
- [Flatulence]
- [Sniffs] Don't worry about it.
I can't smell a thing.
Tell me again
Be my baby again
- Pusher lady.
- [Knock At Door]
Yeah?
- Hey! Uh...
- Lorraine.
[Door Creaking]
[Chains Jangling]
I've been watching you
around campus,
and I like what I've seen.
Oh, I ain't mad at you, girl.
[Chuckles]
Wait. Aren't you
Janice's sorority sister?
You know Janice, right?
My girlfriend Janice?
I know her.
I thought we'd listen
to a little music...
[Voice Echoing] and drink a little
wine, get to know each other better.
You know...
[Distorted Speech]
I'm sorry. I didn't hear you.
I'd like to get
out of these clothes...
and into... you.
- They smack who's 'ho?
- [Laughs] Excuse me?
Sushi?
No, I don't know him.
Little brother, I don't know why you're
trippin', okay? Because I am the bomb.
And I can have any man I want,
go anywhere I want, and I came here.
I can hear you.
I mean, I'm here with you.
[Laughs]
But I'm not supposed to be.
Lorraine, you gotta go.
I will... when I'm done.
- [Sighs]
- [Sighs]
- Come with me.
- Okay.
Oh, no. Ouch!
- Where are you going?
- Um...
I just, uh, came over here to...
to get this.
- [Clicking]
- Ooh, a stapler!
- That's so freaky!
- Oh, yeah, that's me...
Freaky Deeky, girl.
- Mmm! Show me some more.
- Okay, get on... [Laughing]
- [Clicking]
- [Chuckles]
Do you like these?
Uh... yeah, that's nice.
You make 'em yourself?
No, silly.
I had a doctor do 'em for me.
[Chuckles] Wow!
- And what a mighty fine
physician he was. God!
- Go ahead and touch 'em.
You know you want to.
Don't be afraid. Touch 'em!
Ooh!
Ooh, you like it rough.
- [Moaning]
- [Garbled] Oh, God.
That's different.
Oh, oh, God.
Mm.
Mm.
What's happening?
What's the matter, baby?
[Garbled]
I can't feel my mouth.
- Is it asleep?
- Yes, my mouth is asleep.
Let me wake it up.
- You like this, don't you?
- Yes. [Muttering]
[Gibbering]
- [Gibbering Continues]
- [Gasping]
Oh! No, wait, wait.
- This is your first time?
- Well, actually, not my first time.
My first time,
I was about 17...
Oh, it's... it's okay.
I think you're sexy, and besides,
you always remember your first.
- [Both Moaning, Sighing]
- Oh, God.
I can't feel nothing.
I can't feel no...
- Uh... Th-That... No, that's good.
- You feel this, huh?
Oh, yeah, that's good.
[Giggling]
- [Gibbers]
- What about this?
Oh, yeah. I feel that...
[Gibbers, Grunts]
Take me.
I would love to, but it looks like
little homey's asleep.
Huh? Oh, no.
No. Wake up!
Wake up!
[Gibbers] He's gonna wake up.
He'll wake up.
Wake up.
Lorraine! No.
Hold on! Don't leave!
Wake up!
Wake...
[Screams]
- I thought you liked women.
- [Groaning]
[High-Pitched Voice]
I love women.
- Good luck.
- I love women.
Oh, really?
Hi, Janice.
I'm glad to see you, baby.
- [Groaning]
- You cheated on me
with that piece of trash?
[Grunting]
Baby, I didn't do anything.
I couldn't even get it up.
[Screaming]
[High-Pitched Moan, Coughing]
[Grunting]
[Sobs]
Ow.
Oh, my God!
He's OD'd!
No, dog!
Don't leave us, dog!
Don't you go down that tunnel!
Let me check his eyes.
Damn it!
His pupils are dilated.
Dude, you gotta turn his head. If he
pukes, he's gonna choke on his barf.
Just back up, okay?
He's gonna shit on himself.
This is an epinephrine shot
straight to the heart.
It's the only way.
No, let me do it.
I love him.
[Screams]
Call it an intervention. We were just
trying to help you out, Darryl.
Help me?
Tim, let's say this gets out.
People are gonna think
I'm a smackhead.
The word's "addict." And I think
you should respect the problem, eh?
- I don't have a problem!
- Don't yell at me.
I don't have a problem.
It was an experimental medicine
given to me by the university,
and it messed up my senses.
That and heroin?
- I am not on heroin!
- Don't yell at me.
I'm not yelling at you.
Understand, I'm in a bad state.
And you, my friend,
you're making it worse, okay?
My private life is a mess,
and God knows what the hell's
happening with my career.
And I'm not yelling at you.
- [Fizzing]
- To get Hell Night
started off with a bang.
I'd like you little plebes to join me
in a putrid bowl of liquid shit.
- [All Moaning]
- Sounds good.
- I'm buying.
- Hey.
Witherspoon.
There's my favorite jackass.
Hi, Scott.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, wow. Is that punch?
Looks good.
It is good.
Have a sip.
- Thanks, Scott.
- You're surely welcome.
[Slurping, Gulping]
Yuck.
- [Smacks Lips, Sighs, Burps]
- Holy crap.
[All Groaning]
A little bland.
Your final test before you enter
the Kappa brotherhood is a tricky one.
Remember, a chain is only as strong
as its weakest link.
And, Witherspoon, everybody knows
you're the weakest link.
- Move it, scum!
- Weak links must be forged in fire.
- Hold on, Scott. Scott...
- Get over there, buddy. Come on now.
Let's go.
Take the hits.
Aah! Yeah, like that.
- I don't feel anything.
- Aah! You suck!
Aah!
- Aah!
- Jesus.
[Laughs] Yeah!
- [Grunts]
- [Paddle Whooshes, Whacks]
My mama hits harder
than that.
[Whistling]
- Yeah!
- [Whacking Continues]
[Crowd Chattering, Shouting]
[Cheering]
[Announcer] Tonight, your Panthers
face off against the mighty team...
from Astoria University for
a chance to lead the division...
in something other than tuition.
Chet, the Panthers haven't
beaten Astoria in 30 years,
but with Witherspoon in net
this charged-up Stratford crowd...
has found a reason to believe.
[Chet] And Astoria takes
the face-off and races down the ice...
towards star goalie Witherspoon.
[Grunts]
[Chet] Oh! Witherspoon takes out
one of the good guys!
And Astoria picks up a gimme.
Yeah!
Whoo!
- Goddamn!
- Ah, God! Come on!
- [All Moaning]
- I'm gonna get outta here. Let's go.
[Chet] With five minutes left,
Astoria leads by 12.
- [Horn Sounds]
- Where is it? Where is it?
- [Grunts]
- This sucks!
- [Whistle Blows]
- Janice, baby, please be home.
- [Bell Rings]
Don't say anything, please.
Oh. God, this is
so hard for me.
I'm sorry. You believed in me
when nobody else did.
You made me feel special,
and I let you down.
I betrayed you;
I hurt you.
And because of that, I might
lose something that I want so much.
I'm not gonna lose it
without a fight.
Look, I know this sounds crazy, but...
I think I love you.
I love the way you feel; I love the way
you smell; I love your body.
Damn, baby, your breasts got big!
Ohh!
No!
[Grunts]
Daddy, what...
Darryl?
This is the guy
I was telling you about.
Darryl?
Mr. Tyson?
What the hell are you doing here?
- This is my daughter.
- That's your father?
So your mama must be black.
Mr. Tyson, are you dipping
in the chocolate?
Is this the young man
you've been seeing?
Save your breath.
I've already given myself the lecture.
Now I'm gonna give you
the lecture, Darryl.
Next time you wanna pull that whole
sweet, honest, decent young man con,
do it on someone else.
It wasn't a con.
I am that man.
- Spare me, Darryl.
- I'm just going through a whole
lot of stuff right now, okay?
- What stuff?
- Well...
You know, I don't want to hear it.
Look, it doesn't matter, okay?
Lt'll all be over soon, I promise.
Look, I'm every bit
the man I said I was.
- Why should I believe you?
- Because I need you to.
Come on.
Trust me.
I wish I could.
J...
[Sighs]
[Patrons Chattering]
Hey.
Tim. Where you been, man?
I've been looking all over town for you.
- Look, I need your help, bro.
- Yeah, anything.
All right. Look. Tomorrow's the final
competition for the Smythe-Bates job.
Dude, I gotta study.
Will you help me?
Hell, yeah.
I appreciate you helping me
study like this, Dad.
I'm not going to help you; they are.
[Industrial Rock]
- When growth funds do well,
value funds do what?
- Not so well.
- As you can see...
- Mm-hmm.
Is perfect competition possible?
The analytic model...
- When growth funds do well,
value funds do...
- Not so well.
- Because?
- Because I said so.
Can we move on?
That isn't enough, Scott.
What you're missing is the reason why.
No, what I'm missing is the latte
I ordered ten minutes ago.
[Punk Rock]
Well, I drink like a squid.
[Man] The NASDAQ rebounded sharply
from last week's slump...
- [Man] Hey, my stocks are up.
- [All Commenting]
That doesn't make sense. Hey, smack him
on the ass with that thing, will ya?
Yeah, do it. No, don't do it.
I'm kidding.
- You really know this stuff.
- [Chuckles] Yeah.
Yeah, I like it rough. But you
gotta speak up. I can't hear you!
Janice? Baby?
Janice, it's me, Darryl.
Come on, baby. Pick up.
No, I don't think the vice
chairman of the Federal Reserve
would do that in this case.
Uh-huh.
And who are you to say that?
The, um, vice chairman
of the Federal Reserve.
- Ouch.
- But the bottom dropped out
of the market...
- In 1976 because of a hurricane
that destroyed the crops.
- All right!
In between manufacturers
of gross media parts is ignored,
as is the chain
of events that goes...
"l" equals delta...
Dog, you gotta go, eh?
I can't go, man.
I still don't have this chart down.
Dude, you've been studying
your ass off all night.
- Put some faith in fate. You're the man.
- All right.
I think this Protocol 563
is finally leaving my system.
- Hey, dog, I just wanted to thank...
- [Tim Moaning]
- Forget it.
- I'll take care of the tip.
All right.
Oh, no!
No!
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Hey, what's up?
- Hi. Hey.
- How you doing?
- Hey, listen.
I was wondering if you could show me
where the Smythe-Bates building is.
- You can't see?
- Mm-mm, no.
- You visually in-com-paired?
- Impaired.
Yeah, I can help you out, man.
- Oh, thank you, man. Thank you, brother.
- Brothers gotta stick together.
- Oh, definitely. Thank you, brother.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You know, I know a shortcut.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah. This way.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you.
- Quick, hurry.
- Thank God I met someone like you.
- No, thank God I met somebody like you.
- Huh?
- [Punches Landing]
- [Darryl Squealing]
[Car Horn Honks]
[Woman Screaming]
No, I don't have it.
Please, please...
Just leave me alone.
Go away! Stop it!
[People Chattering]
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
[Rattling]
Excuse me, sir. Can you show me where
the suits are? The drawers? Something.
- This guy is on break
right here, brother.
- Oh, how you doing?
- Maybe I can help you.
- I've got this interview
across the street in ten minutes.
I just got robbed. That's why
I'm sitting in your store assed out.
- Look! Literally!
- Yeah. Come on. Come on.
This way. Follow me.
Listen, my man.
I got $50 in my right sock.
I need this suit. I will come back
tomorrow and pay you, I promise.
- Okay. Young blind brother,
I'm gonna fix you up real good.
- My man.
- [Woman] Smythe-Bates. May I help you?
- [Elevator Bell Dings]
Excuse me.
Is this the 12th floor?
- Yes. Sir, may I help you?
- Yes.
Where's the men's room?
[Exhales, Screams]
What the...
No! I'll kill him!
[Garbled] Aw, shit!
Oh, what else can go wrong?
[Liquid Dribbling]
No! No!
[Sobbing]
No!
No! [Sobbing]
[Dr. Wheedon's Voice] The drug just
has to pass through your system.
Trust me,
you'll know when it's gone.
[Garbled]
Oh, no.
[Garbled Speech]
[Panting]
Together.
Get... your shit together.
[Laughing]
I'm gonna pay you guys back.
Can you believe me and the boys in
Leverage Buyout got into a water fight?
No. They're ready
for you... now.
- [Tyson] What time is it?
- [Proctor] Twenty after.
I made it. You're going to have
to excuse the suit.
Come to find out, I'm allergic
to everything but polyester.
My, uh, doctor prescribed
this suit for me.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we would like to welcome you...
here on this day
of final competition...
for the position of junior analyst.
And we'll begin our questioning
with you, Mr. Thorpe.
Now, in structuring a portfolio
for your client,
what are the three
most important rules?
Well, first thing I'd do is talk to
my client about his long-term goals.
- Once those are explained to me...
- Goods and services...
are exempt from the discounting
which classical theory demands.
The effect of taxes defined
by the Laffer Curve cannot
be considered as valid...
The leverage gained by buying on
the market will multiply your returns...
For our primary analysis,
equity can't be considered in
the same tier as secured debt.
Small cap funds overpower
high cap funds over time...
If the poison pill doesn't work,
you got a proxy war that's
gonna depress your price.
[Proctor] At this point, we would
excuse three of our contestants.
Fine job.
Show them our appreciation.
Mr. Auseppe, why would the Federal
Reserve have resorted to this?
I believe that would be in order to
maintain a constant rate of growth...
while avoiding incurring
any excess inflation.
Thank you, Mr. Auseppe.
You may step down. And fine job.
[Audience Applauding]
Now, we are down
to our final two contestants:
- Mr. Scott Thorpe...
- You lost your bitches, pimp daddy?
- And Mr. Darryl Witherspoon.
- What's up?
Mr. Thorpe, if you were
to be given control...
of the Smythe-Bates
venture capital fund,
where would you take it
over the next five years?
Well, I think start-up industries
in emerging markets...
are the kind of low-risk,
high-gain strategy I would pursue.
Ah, so the rich get richer
off the sweat of the poor, right, Scott?
Maybe you should pay a visit...
to one of those emerging markets
you're so eager to exploit.
I summered in Cancun.
If that were me, I'd start
a community-based bank
and invest in areas...
that these larger banks abandon.
Abandon for good reason.
That's why the poor get poorer.
- Who taught you that? Your father?
- Where's your father tonight?
I'm about to kick your little ass.
That's where he's at.
Gentlemen, please.
Let's keep it civil.
We've got two excellent answers.
Looks like we have a tie here.
- Mm-hmm.
- Professor Engel?
All right, gentlemen.
This last question is not a simple one,
so I suggest that you choose
your answers very carefully.
Now, looking at this chart, what should
the Federal Reserve choose to do?
If I were, say,
vice chairman of the Federal Reserve,
I'd raise rates.
Excellent.
- Mm-hmm.
- Why?
Hmm? "Why"?
[Clicks Tongue] Because...
That's a good question.
- [Gasps]
- [Scott] l...
Uh, I have to say that I...
don't know the answer.
[Audience Murmuring]
Mr. Witherspoon?
Mr. Witherspoon?
Yo! [Chuckles]
Oh. Why raise the rates?
Well... because of this chart
reflecting Simon's theory.
John Simon, born in 1908
in Westbridge, Indiana,
predicts the future of inflation
with the formula:
I = delta MP
over the square of T.
Thus, requiring
federal correction...
as evidenced by the board
in 1958, '67 and 1984.
- [Audience Murmuring]
- [Whispering]
- [Murmuring Stops]
- [Chuckling]
Darryl, you've got the job.
[Cheering]
Wow!
Thank you.
Ebonically speaking,
I know my shit.
- [Applause Continues]
- Thank you!
- [Laughing]
- [Tim Grunts]
Wait. Hold up, people, please.
I have something to say.
- I cheated.
- [All Gasping, Murmuring]
No, not today. I studied very hard
for this test today.
But I had an extra edge
in becoming a finalist.
Not my athletic talent
and not money.
And it wasn't my daddy.
- It was an experimental drug.
- Oh!
- [Audience Murmuring]
- But it wasn't heroin!
- He's not on the horse.
- Tim, shut up.
Sorry, but he's not using.
[Whispers]
It's all right.
Mr. Tyson, Mr. Bellweather,
I'm sorry.
I was just willing to do anything
to become a Smythe-Bates man,
even the wrong thing.
I want you to know
I do deserve the job,
even though I
didn't earn it honestly.
And that's the whole story.
Look, I'm sorry if I let you guys down.
You can't cut me off!
I'm your son! You love me!
Remember that time
you almost said it?
Well, folks, the board
has come to a decision.
There will be no junior analyst position
awarded this year.
But you still proved yourself
the most impressive candidate.
Come on, kids.
Darryl, do you think that I was
a junior analyst right out of Stratford?
[Scoffs] Yeah.
- Darryl, Daddy started in the mail room.
- Get outta here!
I tried to be the junior analyst, but...
I didn't come from money.
I didn't play sports, so...
Sound familiar?
So what are you saying? That you wasn't
a Smythe-Bates man either?
But I am, because I know
my job and I work hard.
Do you know who
that reminds me of?
- Me.
- That's right.
You are a Smythe-Bates man too,
so you're going to have
a second chance.
At the point of graduation,
you'll be given a job in the mail room.
Doesn't sound like much,
but if you work hard,
in a year you'll make
a fine junior analyst.
Maybe a great son-in-law too?
[Janice, Tyson Together]
Don't push it.
- Heh-heh!
- Cool.
[Siren Wailing]
[Laughter]
Everybody, a toast to my baby Darryl.
Thank you for everything
that you've done for us.
And good luck tomorrow...
on your first day as a junior analyst
at Smythe-Bates.
- [Guests Congratulating]
- Darius!
Touch that champagne bottle
one more time, I'm gonna use
your little ass as a cork!
[Guests Laughing]
Tim, let me take the camera so I can
shoot you and your new girlfriend.
Go stand over there.
[Clears Throat]
I just wanna make a toast, eh?
[Clears Throat]
Uh... Come here, honey.
- I hate those things too, but...
- Get in there, Lorraine.
Ahsalam, Mrs. W.
To... To Darryl.
To your continued success
on Wall Street, eh?
[Chuckles]
Thank you.
Ma, are you gonna take me up
on my offer?
Darryl, I've lived here all my life.
Besides, the place looks so nice now.
But it's such a bad neighborhood.
Why don't you let me move you
over to the East Side,
to a deluxe apartment, hmm?
- [Woman] Well, we're movin' on up
- Movin' on up
- To the East Side
- Movin' on up
To a deluxe apartment in the sky
- Movin' on up
- Movin' on up
- To the East Side
- Movin' on up
We've finally got
a piece of the pie
Fish don't fry in the kitchen
Beans don't burn on the grill
Took a whole lotta tryin'
Just to get up that hill
Now we're up in the big leagues
- Gettin' our turn at bat
- Good morning, Mr. Witherspoon.
How are ya?
It's you and me, baby
There ain't nothin' wrong with that
- We're movin' on up
- Movin' on up
- Hi. How are you?
- Fine.
We be movin' on up
- La la la-la-la la la
- To the East Side
- La la la-la-la la la
- Trying to do business
is cramping my style
- We be movin' on up to the East Side
- La la la-la-la la la
- And it looks like we're
gonna get some of the pie
- La la la-la-la
Always aim at the right gate
Make you bite eight
Run the jugs on the lightweight
Monopolize green
Front lawn, home of thieves
Baby, burners get squeezed
Move up, move in
Apartment 22-N
Forty-four's for the man
Trip's put into it
Shady broad's off to a friend
Who hate us
Little Kevin double jammed
On the lam now in Vegas
Playin' Biggie, mo' money, mo' jiggy
Pick me
The mo' stones the mo' iffy
Top ten
Smokin' pain in the range
with my nigga Sharkaine
Rose fair
People on the street
Broken nose, red
All of us we be tough
If you ain't eatin' this up
Like we might fold
Several niggas runnin'
like it's white gold
Dyin' hope, denying
it ain't the right gold
- Where you from
- Brooklyn, baby Brooklyn, baby
El Capitan
Call me John if you call, baby
- Movin' on up
- Looks like you'll be moving up
- Hey, hey
- La la la-la-la la la
- We be movin' on up
- Looks like you'll be moving up
Hey, hey
- And it looks like you're
gonna get some of the pie
- La la la-la-la
You ain't fresh
Uh-uh, naw, baby
Everybody wanna be
a superstar, baby
I didn't get the dough to act
like I'm better than you
I just got things to do
Ooh-la-la, oui, oui
Freak freak
You say you want trim
You say you want chic
And honey dips rubbin' on
your money clip
Hangin' at your place
Boardwalk and Park Place
Acting all cool
Look at you higher livin'
Meanwhile, your style's
played out like racism
Me, I'm fresh out of love
It's quite tragic
When all they wanna do
is inspect my gadget
And change a Superman
to Clark Kent
All for the sake
of fake amusement
She said
What do you consider fun
- Consider yourself done
- Movin' on up
- Looks like you'll be movin' up
- To the East Side
- Hey, hey
- Come on, baby
- La la la-la-la la la
- Trying to do business
is cramping my style
- Oh, hey
- Looks like you'll be movin' up
- Baby, looks like we
gonna get some grief
- La la la-la-la
Hey, said I
Been trying this rocky road
for so long
Still I had to hold on
I'm trying to make that dough
to move on
Papa told me
Stay strong
The time has come
to make that change
Whoa, here comes the sun
There goes the rain
Hey, hey
Take that first step to tomorrow
Hey, hey
Life may bring you joy or sorrow
Whoa, now I'm dotting my I's
and crossing my T's
Lord, yeah, I'm movin' up
and takin' care of my biz
Whoa-oh
- Looks like you'll be movin' up
- To the East Side
- [Man Vocalizing]
- La la la-la-la la la
Whoa, oh, yeah
- Hey, hey, hey
- Looks like you'll be movin' up
La la la-la-la
[Vocalizing]
- Looks like you'll be movin' up
- Hey, hey
La la la-la-la la la
We be movin' on up
- Looks like you'll be movin' up
- To the East Side
- Hey, hey
- La la la-la-la
You ain't fresh
Uh-uh, naw, baby
Everybody wanna be
a superstar, baby
I didn't get the dough
to act like I'm better than you
I just got things to do
Ooh-la-la, oui, oui
Freak freak
You say you want trim
You say you want chic
And honey dips rubbin' on
your money clip
Hangin' at your place
Boardwalk and Park Place
Acting all cool
Look at you higher livin'
Meanwhile, your style's
played out like racism