So, from all the stories
you've collected
For your book,
would you say that,
In general,
sex after kids is terrible?
Yes!
In fact, the jury is still out
as to whether or not
Kids are good for marriages.
Period.
There's a psychological
study that says that
83% of couples suffer some
form of moderate
Or severe crisis after kids
come into the picture.
I would say then,
the answer is,
Professionally speaking,
of course,
That kids are not good
for your sex life.
At all!
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
- Hey.
- Hey.
Finally get her to sleep?
Mm. Down like a clown,
Charlie Brown.
Excellent
- Mmm.
- I'll drink to that.
What's all this?
Well, I thought it would
be nice for a change.
Pretend we're adults, right?
Are you trying
to seduce me?
And you got some tomato
sauce on your chin, too...
- actually.
- Oh.
Babe, I'm covered in spit up
and I'm exhausted.
Can we try, maybe tomorrow
or later this week?
Yeah, sure.
That'd be fine, sure.
You're mad.
No, I'm not mad.
Why would I be mad?
Because it's been a while.
It hasn't been a while,
it's been a year.
It has not been a year.
Right, then it's been
359 days.
And eleven hours.
- No.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Really?
- Mhmm.
Okay, all right. Let's go.
Where?
We're gonna have sex
right now.
- Are you serious?
- Yep. Let's go.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
- That's nice.
- Yeah, yeah.
That's good, you good?
Oh, yeah.
Mm-kay.
So do you want, want me
to start now, or...?
Start?
What the hell
have you been doing?
I don't know, gaining entry?
Oh!
Okay, okay. No no no. No.
Stop. Okay, we're done.
This counts.
- What?
- Yep.
Counts? As what?
That was two strokes.
Come on, give a fella
a fighting chance here.
Okay.
Ahh! No, no.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
We're done. I'm sorry,
babes. You're killing me.
It feels like I'm having sex
with branding iron.
Oh my God.
I'm sorry, ever since
the baby it just...
Oh, okay, okay.
Okay, we don't have
to do this now.
- Okay. Okay.
- It's fine, okay?
- Just...
- What?
Can you just stop.
Just don't move. At all.
- At all?
- At all.
Don't move?
Yes.
Does losing my erection
count as moving?
Yes. So don't.
Babes, when was the last time
you trimmed your nose hair?
Can we keep this remotely
sexy, please?
I'm, I'm here
trying to please you.
Right? I'm trying to pleasure
you.
Aw, you want
to pleasure me?
Yeah.
Will you let me
sleep in tomorrow?
Sure, okay. Just...
Okay, sorry!
Hello gorgeous.
Vanessa?
And in the first
time in well over a year,
Vanessa Thomas is expected
to make an appearance
Tonight at the annual
Humanitarian Awards.
Tune in tomorrow morning
to see what she wore
Down the red carpet.
Hun? What are we going
to do if we run into...
What are you doing?
The limo's going to be here
in half an hour.
No. Its more than I need.
Here. Take.
Hey oops.
Whoa. He's burning up.
He's just a little hot, Sean.
The sitter will take care of it.
You look like hell too.
Well of course I look like
hell. Let me put my face on.
Oh, hon hon hon.
He got you sick!
No. We're going out, Sean.
We're going out
and I'm gonna have
The time of my Li...
Did you just throw up
in your mouth?
Hon, I'm calling the sitter.
No! You're being honored.
Yeah but... I'll just go.
No! We'll both go.
No, come on, hon,
he, obviously he needs you.
Not some stranger.
No no, but Sean,
I bought, I bought a dress.
And shoes.
Hon. Be honest, you don't
do heels anymore.
Hey, you watch it.
I can still rock a pump.
I know. For fifteen minutes.
Yeah, but no...
But those are a fierce ass
fifteen minutes.
Watch me go!
I am calling the sitter.
Sean...
You suck, Sean!
Right back at you.
And if you need us,
you call us.
And, and if it's
an emergency
You call Gage or Larissa.
And take cabs.
Public transit is filthy and the
streets are full of vagrants.
Okay, Mom-
Do you need any money?
Mom. I have a job and you
know that... Okay.
Dad, can you help me out
a little bit here please.
You're going to be
just fine, kiddo.
Mwah. Mmm.
Now. Give 'em hell.
You guys are gonna be
bored out of your minds
Without me around here.
Oh, we'll all be just fine,
won't we, hon?
Of course we will.
Your Dad and I know
how to entertain ourselves.
Mhmm.
Let's start with the yellow
this time.
The yellow pieces.
Get me all the yellow pieces.
Thank you.
I'm tired.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Oh.
Yeah.
Sure. Yeah.
Oh.
Oh my g... oh my god, faster,
faster, yeah!
Right there. Right there!
Get it! Get it!
Horton?
What's wrong?
Would you care for some...
Sex?
God, you do know
how to make me laugh.
You thought I... Yeah.
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
I just... I just don't
understand it.
I don't understand
how you can sit there
While your child's heart is
breaking in the next room.
His heart is not breaking.
He's just pissed off
That we're not rocking
him to sleep.
Two nights. That's all
the book says it'll take.
It's torture.
We are not torturing him.
Please.
Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
Mommy, I love you!
Hey! No!
What're you doing?
Ohh.
Foreplay. It'll take
your mind off the cries.
If I have sex with you while
our son is screaming
In the next room, I'm forever
going to associate
Intimacy with pain.
Oh, well that's kind of hot,
isn't it?
Pussy!
Shh.
Oi!
Let's make a deal, alright?
You go to sleep straight
away
And your first fake ID is on
Uncle Peyton.
All right?
You gonna be alright
with her?
Yeah, sure.
What can go wrong?
Everything can go wrong,
Pey.
Every night I high five myself
just for keepin' her alive.
Listen, I have TeleHealth
on speed dial.
If you call though
you've got to ask for Marcy,
She's nice and sort of
knows me a bit now.
So, everybody else just
sort of threatens to call
Social services on you.
Are you goin' out
dressed like that?
Yeah. Why?
Oh, depends.
You want to get laid?
I don't know.
I mean yeah, I suppose.
I just wanna go out and
meet somebody nice,
You know,
who might like me.
Sort of test the waters a bit.
You're a single mom,
you don't got
Time to be fucking about.
Go out there
and have some fun.
Do you mean
like dodgeball?
I mean like
gettin' fucking laid.
Okay, well I mean, I sup... I
suppose I could give it a go.
Have you seen my
diaphragm?
'Course I haven't seen
your fucking diaphragm.
Besides you're protected.
You know,
your tits and whatnot.
Wha-what do you mean?
Oh, I was fuckin'
this bird back home
And she said
she couldn't get pregnant
While she was breastfeedin'.
Saved a fortune
on condoms.
Are condoms very
expensive now?
You're missing the point
of the story, love.
Right. Okay.
Yeah, so my father took off
when I was a baby,
So there's a special place in
my heart for people like you.
Nobody ran off on me.
I, I, I chose this, you know.
Oh!
Yeah, I knocked myself up.
Yeah.
I mean, well, no.
I mean, I didn't
knock myself up.
I went to one of those
sperm banks, you know.
Well, spank banks
I think you call them.
Well, I mean,
I don't know if you do, but...
Anyway, I've always just
really wanted a family,
You know, just, I've always
just sort of had this hole
Inside of me that kinda
needed filling up,
So I just, I thought
maybe a baby
Could do that, you know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
No, it's so true, they...
I mean it's not, you know,
it's been different
Than I expected, so...
I mean don't get me wrong,
I love the baby to bits,
I really do, you know, but...
God, I mean they poop a lot,
don't they?
And they suck.
It's all a lot of sucking.
I mean, it's already eatin' me
out of house and home
And it's only me boobs.
So you know, here I am.
Just kind of out and about.
- Looking for love.
- Yeah, yeah...
No! No, God, no.
I'm not... no love for me just,
uh, just casual.
You know, just gettin' out.
Yeah, I mean, God,
who in their right mind's
Looking for a single mom?
You know, I mean maybe
a pedophile, I suppose.
Not that you're a pedophile.
Are you?
No!
So you know...
I mean, my brother
put it best, you know,
He put it like:
The hole I need fillin' up
is probably
Not an emotional one.
You know,
it's a... a different hole...
Your brother told you this?
Yeah. Yeah.
And, good news is,
we don't need a condom.
Because of me tits.
So. We just, ah,
we just do it...
- God!
- Oh!
Oh, fuck! Oh!
- Oh, god!
- Shh.
You're gonna, you're gonna
wake her, you're gonna wake her.
Oh, God, it's so fucking hot
that you're a Dad.
- Oh!
- Thanks.
Oh, god. Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck. Turn me over.
Yeah. Oh God.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, god.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Pull my hair.
Pull my hair.
Oh, god yeah!
Oh, punish me, daddy.
Oh, fuck.
Smack my ass.
- Smack your ass?
- Yeah!
Oh, punish me.
Oh, punish me, daddy.
Fuck me, daddy!
Oh, punish me.
I love the way
you fuck me, daddy!
- Oh!
- Okay, okay.
I can't do this.
I'm out. I'm out.
Oh, please will you just give
Uncle Peyton a break. Look...
I could smother you and you
wouldn't even know it.
I didn't mean that.
I love you, honestly,
to pieces,
But will you please
just shut the fuck up!
Pey? You all right?
How do I turn her off?
You mean they're not supposed to
scream bloody murder all the time?
Are you sure this is
How you're supposed
to put her to sleep?
It's not so bad, you know,
once you get used to it like.
I don't know whether
I could ever put up with that.
It makes me
want to eat glass.
You know what Lou,
I don't know if I'm gonna
be able to stay here.
Well, what are you
going to do?
You going to go buy a house
With all your inheritance
money you pissed away?
Hey, there's no need to be
a bitch about it, all right.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Pey,
I didn't mean that.
Stay.
Be my nanny.
- Fuck off.
- No, come on.
It's free room and board.
No seriously, fuck off,
I'm just passing through.
I've got plans.
Besides, what d'you need
a Nanny for anyway?
Well, it's harder than I
thought it was gonna be...
You know,
doin' it on my own...
Hey!
Hey, she stopped crying.
See, it's not so hard.
Why are you back
so early anyway?
I don't know.
Couldn't close the deal, eh?
You see,
you were searching
For the wrong type of man.
What you need is a sexual
deviant, you know?
Someone who'll smash
your back doors in
And walk away
without a second thought.
You know,
maybe you're right.
Maybe I should just give up
On all this love
and fulfillment lark.
I mean, it's never done me
any favors, has it?
Just been a slew of endless
Disappointment
and rejection.
Right.
That's it.
No more love for me.
Only lust for this trollop.
Right? Yeah?
I'm gonna get out there
and I'm gonna get someone
To really give it to me.
You know, someone,
someone who'll say,
"Who's your Daddy"
And really smash in my side
door...
- Your back door...
- My back door!
Yeah.
How do I find
a social deviant?
What, what do I do?
Well you know, basically
you gotta clearly indicate
What you will
and you won't do, all right?
Um... dirty Sanchez.
Strawberry sundae.
That sort of thing.
Okay, well Strawberry
Sundae sounds all right.
How's that work?
Well, it's when you release
your demons
Into the lady's face, and you
know, when she can't see,
You smash her one in the
nose.
Strawberry Sundae.
That's awful.
Who would do such a thing
to another human being?
Oh, Peyton!
Don't do that to someone!
She asked me too...
Oh. Well.
I suppose if she asked.
Yeah.
How old is he?
Two and a half.
Aw.
So, do you mind if I ask
how you two met?
- Online.
- A bookstore.
We, we actually met online
But it embarrasses her
to say that, so...
No, no! That's amazing.
I just always assumed that
online dating was for losers.
No, you're not losers!
I loved it. I
order everything online, so.
Order, seriously?
Really?
So which one of you gave
birth, then?
Excuse me? Which one
of you is the real mom?
Oh, uh...
We both are.
Maybe one of us carried him
in her womb, you know.
Maybe... maybe we both
adopted him.
Maybe one of us...
Donated an egg and the
other one carried it.
Doesn't really matter,
we're both raising the child
And we're committed
to his well-being
Which makes us both
real moms.
Yeah.
I'm sorry. I just... I didn't
mean to offend you.
I just don't...
Know the, the protocol
for people in your situation.
Our situation?
It's, it's funny cause it's not
actually a situation,
We are... we're lesbians.
It's our family.
Are you retarded?
No...
We should go to the park
more often.
Who the fuck
still talks like...
Hey hey, language.
Who the fiddlesticks
still talks like that?
"People in your situation. "
Say lesbian!
Hell, say dyke, for all I care.
You know it's over, right
babe?
I know.
Maybe it's not such a terrible
question, though. I mean...
Maybe one of us should be
more Mom
And then the other
more Dad.
And if so, I call Mom.
Why, so you can have the
monopoly on being cute?
I like pink.
No. Look. One of our
strengths as a couple
Is how different we are.
Maybe, um...
Maybe we should
embrace that.
Give him a little bit
more structure.
You sound like a pamphlet.
Cunt.
Language!
Oh, no, that's not a swear,
it's an actual body part...
Okay, it's a swear,
But you were being
a bit of a cunt.
Ah! Hey, hey, hey!
We are gentle with people
and things.
We are...
Gentle
with people and things.
Except when
we're being a cunt.
# The wipers on the bus go,
swish, swish, swish,
# all through the town.
# The people on the bus go
Hi, Hi, Annie
- Honey.
- Hey, honey!
You're home early.
Yeah! Uh, where's the baby?
Oh, she's upstairs napping.
So you were just singing
that to yourself?
It got stuck in my head?
Okay, let's go with that.
Um...
I've got a little surprise
for you.
Oh!
I like surprises.
Okay, just a second...
Come on in.
Nice to meet you.
So to summarize, the issue
is that when Jules
Is in the mood,
It's always during the day
when Ben is at work,
And when Ben comes home,
you are simply exhausted.
Exactly. Yep.
What about the weekends?
Oh no, That's... that's when
stuff's getting done
- around the house.
- Yes. No...
- We have to do laundry...
- Lot of things, yeah...
- And shopping. And laundry.
- Right.
There's a lot of laundry.
Yeah. It's not uncommon.
But what most couples don't
realize is that, on average,
Seven to twenty minutes is
all it takes to have sex.
Less time than laundry.
I'm sorry, are you criticizing
the way that I do laundry?
- Ooh.
- Because, um...
- I pre-soak my cloth diapers
- Yeah.
- So...
- It's pretty important.
- Presoaking is kinda crucial.
- Yeah, it takes a long...
- The stains will cake right in
- longer but...
- And I think...
- It's an investment.
I think he gets it. No one's
saying it's a bad idea.
No, no, no. I'm saying,
I'm saying that I just want
both of you to be aware
Of each other's investment,
You know?
I mean be Ben is...
Clearly, sexually...
Frustrated, aren't you Ben?
It's be... it's been a year.
No. No!
The other night...
- Oh, that thing, you do not,
- We had sex.
You do not get to count that.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, I count it.
- Nope.
- It counts.
- A year.
- Yeah.
And your baby's
six months old.
Right.
Well, my gynecologist said
that it couldn't hurt
To abstain from sex
during pregnancy.
What did your dentist say?
Okay...
What did your
proctologist say?
- Oh, he says you're gross.
- Okay.
He comes... he comes up
with a good question.
There's a difference
between
Abstaining from vaginal sex
And sexual contact
all together.
Now...
Let me ask you...
Do you have a reason...
For avoiding fellating your
husband?
Mother's don't fellate.
- Yes, they do.
- No they don't.
What? There's a, there's
a whole genre of porn...
- devoted to that very idea.
- Ohh...
Now, I... I'm gon... I'm going
to suggest something here
That I suggest
to all my clients.
For one hundred
days
I want you
to have sex every day.
I haven't done that
since college.
When...
Did you do that in college?
We were together in college.
Not the whole time.
Um.
When we...
Have sex and I have this...
burning sensation.
It just, it doesn't go away.
Oh, there's a pamphlet for
that...
I want you to, to treat this
hundred days like exercise.
It doesn't sound like
a great idea at the time,
And we always make
excuses for not doing it,
But once you start -
It's good.
And when you really get into
it - it's pleasant, really.
Pleasant.
What do you say, honey?
You want get into
something...
Pleasant with me?
- Sure.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
We'll still do the laundry
though, right?
Yes, we'll still do the laundry.
Okay, good. I just put a fresh
load in.
Yeah, well, I would like
to put a fresh load in
Myself, from time to time.
Okay...
She served it up, Doc. It's
a...
But you don't have to bring
it-
Put a "fresh load" in.
Did you want another cup...
Coffee?
No. Thank you.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Oh...
He's so cute!
How do you stand it?
Oh, the incessant screaming
helps balance it out nicely.
There's my little Oopsie.
I've been meaning
to ask you...
Why do you call him
"Oopsie"?
Oh, it's just Sean's
nickname for him.
You were a big surprise,
weren't you, baby?
I've missed seeing you
on television.
Oh! Thank you
for saying that!
You know, Horton and I
were both very surprised
That you didn't
go back to the show
After your maternity leave.
It was the baby weight,
right?
Oh god, no. I've lost all the
baby weight.
Oh. Of course you have.
No, I, ah, I just decided that
it was just important
To stay home
to raise this little guy.
And Sean makes more than
enough for both of us,
So just, why bother with all
of the drama, you know?
So...
How's being a full-time Mom
working out for you?
Well, uh, I um...
I've lost my mind,
Is what's happened.
I've always thought that,
if I was ever going to have
A, just a dirty, nasty little
thing, I would...
Keep it in a closet until I
needed it for a charity event
Or something. But! I've gone
Full Metal Stepford here.
a
strict formal dress code,
There was 82 handmade gift
bags, a $5,000 candy table,
12 different kinds of
sandwiches
Including the swordfish
canap, which was lovely.
Looks like you covered
everything.
Yeah, no yeah yeah.
Everything,
except, uh, other kids.
You forgot to invite
other children?
We don't know
any other children.
Oh. I see.
So, uh, how are things here
with the empty nest?
Must be like a second
honeymoon around here.
Oh...
Well, we're not all
as young and sexy
As you are, you know.
I just... I don't find her
attractive anymore.
I think I traded in low cuts
and long legs for...
Sweat pants
and breast milk stains.
That'll all go away. You guys
are still having sex, right?
Don't get me started. She's
insatiable. It's ridiculous.
You should get
some real problems.
Do you know when the last time
I even saw Dolores naked was?
I had hair.
I don't even know
what we are anymore.
Friends, I suppose...
Well, c'mon, seriously,
you're still young, you know.
And you had a good run
at it.
You brought up
three amazing kids.
There's no, there's no
shame in calling it a day
If the passion's gone.
Sean. She is the mother
of my children.
Yeah. But they're gone.
Right?
So your penis is still actually
in this girl when you decide
That you never want
to see her again?
She called me "Daddy".
Ooh.
Okay, so um,
couldn't you just say:
"Please don't
call me Daddy"?
I mean, that's what adults
do, right?
They communicate.
They just don't pull out.
It's true, actually.
Larissa never has a problem
telling me exactly,
Specifically what it is
that I'm doing wrong.
I believe you.
Well, okay, that's because I
want to be in a relationship.
Gage is just looking to have
a good time.
That is...
Ephraim?
He's okay. Look.
What are you trying
to say about me, huh?
Okay, um.
You...
Knowingly choose imperfect
women
So that you can use it as
an excuse to get rid of them
When you get bored.
That's really shitty, Larissa.
Oh, it is
without a doubt shitty.
I don't do that.
Why did you break up
with that, uh, teacher?
She had to go to bed too
early.
The waitress?
She stayed up way too late.
So wait, you're saying
that I'm the problem?
Look.
He's having a moment.
Awwwww!
Oh, come on honey,
Prove us wrong.
Find yourself a nice,
normal woman
And give her an actual shot.
Yeah, and where does one
find a "nice normal" woman?
Mom Group.
Lots of ladies.
Big... milk-
Full breasts.
Wow.
Ahh.
It's eight o'clock.
Yeah. Yes it is.
Yeah.
Uh, do you want to do this
in the bedroom?
Yeah, it's probably
most comfortable.
Okay.
Yeah, just have to brush my
teeth first.
Really?
Yeah, I mean, well...
We're probably gonna
kiss and stuff, right?
Right. Right, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Okay, um... Oh, did you want
shirt on or off? Were you...
Like, were you, are you
gonna fondle my nipples...
I didn't really have any
nipple plans, per say.
Right. It turns you on,
though, right?
Well, yeah, but I thought
turned you on too.
You could light my nipples
on fire right now
And I would not feel it.
Mmmm.
Yeah?
- That's good.
- Good.
You're so...
You're so beautiful.
Thanks.
Yeah.
It's... it's kind of like you're
trying to put out a small fire.
Yeah? Cause it's hot?
No, it's just cause you're,
you're punching me now.
You're just punching me
right in the dick.
- Oh, I'm sorry!
- Yeah.
- Just
- It's okay.
Why is it sometimes
you're so rock hard
And then other days you're
like an old woman's breast.
Okay, your dirty talk needs
a lot of work.
Okay, do you want me,
Should I fellate you,
or something?
Can you think of a less sexy
way to ask me that?
How can I get you get hard?
I don't know.
There's all this pressure
now.
I know, right?!
I, I, I can't do
all this pre-planning.
I need this to be
spontaneous.
Feel like I'm doing chores.
Oh, I need to put the dry...
Laundry in the dry...
Can we please not talk
about laundry, right now?
Okay, seriously...
Okay.
Look, we have to get
through this, all right?
- I know.
- Somehow.
A hundred consecutive
days.
It's supposed to be fun!
Well, he didn't say
when we had to start.
We could start tomorrow.
Yeah, exactly.
Okay. Good talk.
Yeah?
Yeah. Go team.
Mmm.
So are we gonna put the
clothes in the dryer?
Yeah, I got it. I got it. Okay.
Hon?
Hon?
How was your day?
Hey Daddy...
Hey... Mama?
Wow.
I finally fit into my lingerie.
Yeah. More or less, yeah.
Is Oops asleep?
He's at, uh, grandma's.
Oof. I, uh, I had a long day.
Great.
Let's have a long night.
I just want to grab
something.
I'm a little peckish.
I've got something for you
to snack on right here.
Yeah...
Um, no, I was, I was...
Something with protein,
that's what I was thinking...
Sean. Listen, my, uh...
My ego is holding on
by a thread, here okay?
I have had enough of
bitches in the park,
That's where the real bitches
are, okay?
Talking about how to get
their kids to go to sleep
And what kind of
apple sauce to eat,
And, and preservatives and...
You know, I don't give a shit.
I just...
Want to feel like an woman.
Alrighty then.
What?
Nothing, honey.
Did you let the cat
in here?
No. Why?
Really?
It smells like rancid urine.
I don't, I don't smell
anything.
I'm not crazy.
It must have
permeated the cover,
We'll have to burn it.
What?
It's you!
Did you get sprayed by a
skunk, or something?
It's hormonal!
What?! How come I've
never noticed that before?
Because I put a ridiculous
amount of effort
Into not perspiring
around you.
That feels
great. That's really good.
That feels great.
No no no. Don't touch
my kangaroo pouch.
No, I need a time-out.
- The smell.
- Don't you dare.
- I'm so goddamn close.
- Just a minute.
I can't stand the smell,
I'm going to be sick...
No, c'mon! Just seven more
thrusts. Man up!
- Come on.
- I'm on fire.
Hurry up!
- Four... three...
- I'm gonna be sick!
- Nyah!
- No, I'm gonna be sick.
Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!
Nyah! Nyah!
Ohh!
That was amazing.
How long do you think
before you can go again?
I think we need
to have a talk.
Sure.
Can you, do you remember
that bright yellow piece...
- that we had...
- Dolores.
Oh, it's serious.
Well...
The other night I asked you
if you wanted to have,
You know.
And um,
you laughed in my face.
Well...
I thought you were joking,
honey.
Why would I joke
about that?
Because we
never have sex...
Exactly.
Are you unhappy, Horton?
Um...
I think so.
You know, I, I have needs.
And I have to make sure
those needs are met.
So if you've decided that you
don't like having sex...
I love sex!
Then why aren't we
having it?
Okay.
To be frank, it's...
It got a little boring.
The same thing over and
over and over again,
I mean, you, you, you
had no focus.
There was no attention
to what I needed.
A woman needs...
Certain things...
Done to her, to build...
Up to, slowly build up
to a climax.
You mean you've never had
an orgasm?
No, I have orgasms
all the time,
I just never have them
with you.
Not even when
I touched your "spot"?
Oh, honey...
Where "the spot" is and, and
where you thought it was...
Worlds apart.
Well how the hell
was I suppose to know?!
It's not like it comes
with GPS.
You could have asked.
Okay.
Well...
Now I'm asking.
Okay.
Om. Om nom nom.
You got your peaches
here too.
Okay? Let's get Dada
some breakfast.
Is that good?
- Morning Dada.
- Good morning.
What would you like for
breakfast?
Oh...
Mmm
Morning.
Mmm.
What're you doing?
Welcome to Day One, baby.
Ahh...
Oh, she's right there.
I turned her around,
she's fine.
You know, she's going to
hear us, though.
You know, kids can't make
memories
'Til they're about two. I'll
keep the moaning to a minimum.
No, I'm sorry, I can't.
It's just, it's too weird.
Right. Sure.
Can I make you some eggs?
Oh, I'll, I'll get something
at, at work. It'll be fine.
I appreciate the sentiment!
Oh, it was a super
awesome sentiment.
It was a lovely gesture!
Yeah, like flowers.
Shoot...
- Hey.
- Hey.
What'd ya bring me?
Chocolate! Thank you.
Where is he?
Come on, you know
how I feel about television.
Okay, first of all,
that's your thing, not mine.
I don't want my kid be
a pop-culture ignoramus.
And I prescreened it,
It's all about sharing
and shit.
That's not the point.
I had a bunch of e-mails
to respond to,
He was crawling
all over the keyboard
Wanting to know which
button he could push.
It was either that
or I lock him in the closet.
Was the world going to end
If you didn't get back to
these people right away?
Maybe.
Do you know when the last time
was that I checked my e-mail?
You forward poems with
kittens and rainbows,
Don't compare that
to my work.
Television is not
a baby-sitter.
Damn right it's not.
Babysitters are lazy little
bitches.
My boy is down there
Learning about
the birds and the bees.
Actual... actual birds and
bees. It's the honey episode.
Ahhhh]
Huh!
Huh...
Can I bug you about
something?
Well, you didn't really give
me an option there, did you?
Nuh uh.
How're you doin'? How's your,
how's your first week going?
It's really fun.
Yeah. The tips pick up,
by the way. Later.
The tips are great.
I'm really happy with it.
Good deal.
How can I help you?
I was just wondering if you
could take a look at these.
Oh. Sure.
These are... okay,
that's you naked.
They're boudoir photos.
I need to pick three
and get them blown-up.
Um, for what?
For fun.
So do you like this-
No! Hey! Okay.
Come on! You didn't
even look at them.
That's, that's
completely inappropriate.
Why? It's just a naked body.
Have you never seen a
woman's naked body before?
Not an employees, no.
I um-
Oh look, you're... you're
turned on.
Okay, that's...
You know what? That's uh...
Don't be embarrassed.
You're supposed to get
aroused.
Wow.
I think you're a cutie.
Um...
Oh! I got, I got a phone call.
I gotta take this.
I need you to look at these
later.
It's my wife.
Whatever.
Hi honey.
I'm horny.
Excuse me?
Ooh, I'm standing against a
vibrating washing machine.
You have no idea how good
this feels.
Are you kidding me
right now?
Oof, can you talk dirty
to me?
- No. I...
- Hey, Ben!
- Please.
- Hey Jeff!
- Please, please, please.
- I'm at work!
You are a bad girl.
Yeah. Yeah,
just like that, yeah.
No. No, I mean like
you are a bad...
Naughty girl, Okay?
This is torture for me.
Yeah, tell me
how naughty I am.
- Oooh.
- No. No, no, no.
I'm not participating in this,
okay?
This is doing nothing for me.
Mhmm. Yeah, keep going.
- Okay, I hate you right now.
- Oh, baby. Don't stop.
You know that? You're
gonna give me blue balls
Because of this. I'm going to
be walking around
With a twinge in my nut sack
all day.
Oh!
Mmmm.
I just want you to know
that this has been
A horrible experience for me.
Oh, that's great babes.
No, you know what, I'm
gonna come home at lunch.
I can't. I've got Moms Group.
You are a terrible person.
Love you too.
Hey...
Okay.
Did Lou tell you guys
the one about Mr. Funny?
I haven't heard it.
No, no, no. Nobody
needs to hear that.
Come on,
Lou, do it
for the new guy.
No. It was just...
Lou has discovered her
post-baby sexuality.
I swear to God, you
have got to write a blog.
Do it!
I met, I met this bloke online.
And he seemed like a very
nice guy, you know,
So I, I agreed to have him
pick me up for a date.
And so, he made you
laugh a lot?
Not really, no.
So, why do you call him Mr.
Funny?
No, that's actually his name.
He's, you know,
he's a professional clown
For a living.
I mean, I think, I think
he was nervous
Because he got in
and he just,
He already had on
his little red nose
And he reached over and he
just honked me breasts.
I mean, you know, I think-I
think he was just trying
To break the ice but I was so
surprised that I just...
Reached over and I grabbed
him by his penis really hard
And I could let go.
You know, and there we
both were
Starring at each other.
Him...
Cuppin' me jubblies and me
really givin' it to his banana.
So things are better
with Mark?
Oh.
Mark? No.
He wouldn't put me
out if I were on fire.
Oh no, so you gonna
get a divorce?
No. No, divorces
are horrible for children.
No, we would never
put them through that.
I may be a terrible wife, but
I'm a great goddamn mother.
Wait. So are you, are you
seeing someone...
- on the side?
- No.
There are web sites.
You know, for people
who just wanna...
Hook-up every now
and again.
You know, it's very casual.
It's easy.
I mean, we're all
in the same boat, right?
Nobody wants to get
into a messy situation.
Do you think you could
send me the link?
Absolutely.
Oh, great. Thanks, yeah.
But aren't you just, aren't
you kind of, living a lie?
Oh don't be so dramatic.
I mean, we're doing it
for the kids.
Mark and I may hate each
other, but we...
We love the kids.
We love the kids.
And, I mean, we want them
to keep their lives.
We don't want them
shuffling back and forth
From house to house
every other weekend.
I mean... no.
That's not a way to live.
If the, the kids are happy
then we're happy.
Aw, yes.
But how can you possible by
happy?
Listen.
You have to satisfy
yourself as a parent first,
Otherwise it's the kids
who really get hurt.
I'm right, right?
So then I just stuck
me thumb in,
But you know, even that's
only so big, isn't it?
Hmm. Well, how far?
Like, nail? Or...
No, I mean, all the way in
because that's, you know...
I, I heard it's like past the,
past the knuckle
And it's uncomfortable,
you know.
Do you always serve your,
uh, yogurt in a tube?
Oh yeah, it's brilliant.
Cause, it's yogurt, right? But
then...
You know, it's in a tube.
Yeah, but it's not really
yogurt.
I mean, have you
read the ingredients?
It's got five different
sweeteners in here.
Oh, yes.
That's right, I forgot.
You're Larissa's brother.
Oh, does Larissa not let you
eat things from a tube?
No, it's...
It's the high fructose corn
syrup... that's, uh...
It's like crack for kids, right?
Right well we won't have
anything in a tube
For next week.
Is that all right?
All forgiven, Daddy?
That's... um...
You know... you know, just
don't call me Daddy it's...
Sorry.
That's okay.
You know, he's single.
Yeah. No, no. Yeah.
Yeah, he's nice.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm not, not really looking for
anything nice at the minute,
You know, just strictly
looking for sexual deviants.
Right now...
Oh.
Well. Good luck then.
Oh, thanks. Yeah, thanks.
Okay.
Can I have my cup back?
- Right, sorry.
- Yeah.
So now I want it to be
honest, right?
But not necessarily
completely truthful.
All right, well...
how's this then?
"Bitter, unsuccessful
middle aged loser"
Wallowing in
an unending sea of inert,
Drooping loneliness
Looking for needy leech-like,
hanger-oners
To abuse with dull stories,
kinky sex
And uh, old A-Ha albums. "
Do you think I should
mention
That I've got a child?
"With a bastard. "
God, why don't you just say
I masturbate every night
And cry myself to sleep?
- Give me that.
- Hey!
One more go.
Um... oh!
"I'm A Little Red Hen
And the barnyard feels
empty without you. "
Oh yeah, I like that.
Add... okay.
Add "I would like to have my
feathers tickled by you... "
Those into henpecking
need not apply.
"Cock-a-doodle-doo!"
I'm not writing that last part.
Oh no, it's great, right?
Cause it's a bit risqu, you
know, I say...
I say the word "cock. "
Where you going?
No, I say cock.
It's nice, isn't it? If I...
- Hi, sweetie!
- Hi, sweetie!
I was just
upstairs on the internet
Watching some porn... uh,
some stuff, you know,
On the internet uh, um.
The stamina of some
of these performers
Is just phenomenal.
They must be on
quite the training schedule.
You know, so I made
a bunch of notes.
You know, things that
I thought could help us
To improve our, you know...
How thoughtful of you,
Horton.
For example, um...
Where, where, where is it.
Oh yeah, here. Uh...
Did you know that every
single video starts
With oral sex.
Really...
Why do you think that is?
Well, because for a woman...
Well, it's because "blow jobs
are like flowers for guys. "
I haven't had flowers since
our wedding.
Yeah, well,
at least you got flowers.
I know.
We could, um, bring a toy
into the bedroom.
Where would we get them?
- I, I have a few.
- A few?!
Oh Horton, you'll love it.
The first time I had an
orgasm with a vibrator
It was like,
it was like seeing color
After years of blindness.
I'm also... um,
I'm curious about this
Whole anal sex thing,
what do you think?
Up the?
You're kidding me, right?
No. No.
It's not just for homosexuals
anymore.
I mean, we could try it.
Pumpkin, aren't
you, like, worried it'll...
We're not spring chickens
anymore,
Things don't snap back
like they used to.
Uh...
I mean, considering what
we've got to work with.
I mean...
You know.
I think...
It's a risk worth taking.
Good job, honey.
Where are you going,
captain?
Shh, go back to sleep.
I have to hoist the jib.
It's the weekend, Sean.
Yeah, I know I just have to
take care of
A few things at the office.
Hey.
Let's have a quickie.
I'm good.
What the hell does that
mean?
Honey. With all due
respect and love,
The other night was the
worst sexual experience
Of my life.
Well...
Let me make it up to you.
No, I'm not in the mood.
You're a guy, Sean. Just...
Get in the mood.
What-What do you expect
me to do?
You want me to get
magically aroused
Every time you want me to?
Oh no.
Should we get, should we
get you some Viagra?
No. That's not the problem.
There's a problem?
Honey, listen...
When we first got together
You were this gorgeous
model and now you...
You're not. You're the...
Mother-house-wife thing.
Which is great,
it's fantastic. It's just...
It's an adjustment.
Don't worry.
House-wife-mother-thing,
my ass.
Ahh!
Ow! Fuck!
- Do you mind?
- Hey Vanessa... Oh!
Mama!
Yes, he is a Canadian actor,
David,
But he lives in L.A. now
So he doesn't do scale
anymore.
David, hang on, hang on.
Could I call you back,
David?
Call you in a bit.
- You look amazing.
- I know.
- You smell amazing.
- Shut up.
What're you waiting for?
Oh! Oh God.
Oh God, yes!
- Yes, come on!
- Don't!
Oh, no. Not right now.
Not right now.
Very soon, very soon.
Yes! Dammit! Fuck!
- I got a cramp!
- Work it the fuck out!
Can you tell this guy that we
need 5% on the backend?
Can I go now?
I'm gonna go now.
Okay.
That'll be $500.
Haha, That's cute.
That's cute.
Do I look like I'm being cute?
Something wrong with your
Centurion card?
Pay me my fucking money.
Oh...
I'm not sure I have 500...
20, 40, 60...
80, 1, 20, 40...
Don't you ever call me
a house-wife again.
Got it?
Okay.
Good.
And I will be expecting
champagne and flowers.
Really.
And...
He's asleep.
It's about fucking time.
Whoa.
You having a contest with
yourself to see many dishes
You can dirty
to make a single meal.
Yes, I am. And I'm winning.
Hey, I'm washing the dishes
anyway, so just chill.
It's fine. This is what she
does now,
She criticizes every little
thing that I do.
Bleh!
It is delightful.
How is criticism a bad thing
If I'm trying to help you
be a better person?
Oh, wow.
That's not at all
condescending, is it?
You live with this, huh?
I do indeed,
let's change the subject.
I'd like to hear more about
Gage's love life.
- Oh, yes.
- No. No.
How many women
have you slept with
Since you've decided
to find this
Fine, upstanding woman?
Wow. Judge much?
None.
Really?
You realize that we are
substituting sleeping
For fucking, right?
He's trying to make
a life change,
Let's not rake him
over the coals.
- Thank you.
- Okay what you have to understand if we're a little...
Just hesitant to believe that
you're no longer a man slut.
Just because Gage
Has massive commitment
issues,
And never gives
anyone a second chance...
I thought you
were on my side.
It's coming. Doesn't mean
he can't get his giant head
Out of his ass
and become a better person
For the sake of his child
of all people!
That was it coming?
I think it's awesome.
Thank you!
I just don't really think
that you can do it.
Fuck you, look...
Why the hell do I come
over here, my God...
Look...
I just happen
to have met somebody.
And it was actually
in your Moms Group.
- Mom group!
- Mom group!
- Yeah.
- Wow.
And she's a regular
cacophony of issues.
But she's got something,
I don't know.
Anyway, I'm gonna ask her
out on a date, I think.
That's great!
I'll get excited when you ask
her out on a second date.
You know what, Larissa?
People can change, okay.
Yeah, but just because they
can doesn't mean they do.
You know, especially when
you reach a certain age.
Yeah, I'm 22 and I'm
already locked into
Being a bit of a bitch.
Well, but it suits you.
Do you think so?
- Mhmm.
- Aw.
This is just delightful.
I just want to back up
for a second...
I'm sorry are you saying
that you think that...
Some people can't change?
Cause I...
Or is it just that
maybe the people around them
Can't handle that they just
might have to change
A little bit too?
Okay, you know what,
you're right.
We shouldn't have started
talking about this. I'm sorry.
Why? It was just getting
started.
Yeah, Larissa, we're just
getting started. Come on...
Okay, bye. Thanks you for
this delicious
And slightly awkward
brunch.
- Yes, it was.
- Okay, see ya.
- Bye.
- Bye, sweetie!
They're gone. Kid's still
napping. You wanna...
Screw around?
Are you kidding?
I, I never kid
about screwing around.
How can you have sex with
someone you're pissed off with?
If I let something silly
like that get in the way
I would never get laid.
I'm kidding.
It's a joke. Ha-ha. Funny.
Why do you think
I'm pissed off with you?
Nothing.
I need to wash diapers.
Perfect, I'm just gonna go...
Fuck myself then.
Yeah. Have fun.
"Heart Throb"]
Yeah.
I'm heading home.
Mhmm.
I don't care.
I'll call him tomorrow.
Bye.
Hey, hey, sexy. I'm home.
Hey.
I'll put this in the fridge.
# Twinkle, twinkle,
little star
# How I wonder
what you are
# When the blazing sun
is gone,
# When he nothing
shines upon,
# Then you show your little
light,
# Twinkle, twinkle,
# through the night...
Uh, hey.
It's Gage. I was
thinking about you.
You know, the, the other day
at the Mom's Group
I thought you
were really funny.
I just can't stop
thinking about you.
Yeah, I found this
number in my pocket.
And I thought maybe we
could, um,
Take our kids
to the park...
To the library.
There's a new bar in
Riverdale.
Shnitzel, no.
Tea.
It's organic lamb.
Chimichangas?
I don't know what the fuck
I'm doing.
Maybe you don't either,
and that would be great.
Peppercorn.
No.
Mushroom?
Oh, come on. Be serious.
Linoleum.
Are you seriously saying
that you're gonna shout out
"Linoleum!" when
you're being molested?
These safe-words'll
get you killed.
Well I don't know, Pey,
I've never done this before.
What word do you use?
Harder.
Harder?
Mhm.
Well, that's a terrible
safe-word.
Why?
Well, what do I say, you
know, if I want it harder?
I don't know... peppercorn?
Oh God.
She asleep?
Yep.
How do you do that?
Something I found on YouTube.
I'm right proud of you, Pey.
Yeah, well... you don't want to
know what I was searching for
Before I found it.
No.
Hi, it's Lou.
I bought this machine used,
So I don't know if it doesn't
work or if no one ever rings me.
Wow. Okay.
Hopefully it's just broken.
Leave a message.
Hey, Lou. It's Gage,
from Mom's Group.
I just, uh, just... just
give me a call when you can.
Or text or e-mail or...
I don't do twitter. Um... bye.
- What do you like?
- Everything.
- Have you been tested?
- Last month.
Have you ever committed
a sex crime?
- Hard to say.
- Why?
Lines are blurry.
- Do you think you have?
- No.
- Do you find me attractive?
- Love the tank-dress.
- Did you bring handcuffs?
- That a deal breaker?
No, got my brother's.
Okay. Mmm.
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay.
Talk dirty to me.
All right. Um.
I'm gonna bang you batty.
I'm going to wrap myself around
your mildewy meat stick!
Mildewy?
Oh, Sorry. I've not,
I've not really done this.
What should I say?
Just tell me you want
my gigantic cock.
Oh, I do.
That's what I want!
I want, I do want that.
I want, I want your gigantic...
It's not really gigantic,
though. Is it?
What do you think we should call
that?
Is this what you're going to be
like this whole time?
No. No, no, no.
Okay. Okay. Here we go. Right.
I want your gigantic cock inside
of my really gaping vagina.
Gaping?
It's not gaping. It's normal.
It's a really normal vagina.
- I just, I thought we were...
- Maybe you should not talk.
- Okay. I can not talk.
- Okay.
Okay.
Are, are you gonna urinate on
me, do you think?
What?
Well, it's okay if you are.
It's just that I have
a little drop sheet.
And you can just
scoot it under me
And then we don't have to get
urine all over the bed.
It's just... my bed.
Is just... that something
you are into?
I don't know.
Do you have to go?
No.
Okay, so it doesn't matter. It's
a completely moot point, innit?
Just, just have your way
with me.
I feel like we kind of lost
momentum here.
Oh, no no.
We didn't. We didn't.
I remember where we left off.
Watch!
I want your gigantic cock
inside of my very normal,
Average,
run-of-the-mill vagina.
I'm gonna go.
Oh, no, no, no. Don't.
No. Wait, wait, wait.
I can do better!
I can! I can do accents!
Put your crazy big penis
inside my vagina.
Wow...
Okay, wait. No no no.
Hang on. Hang on.
I, I... we can role play. Do you
have any fantasies or anything?
I do a very convincing
Margaret Atwood.
I'm Margaret Atwood. I write for
Canada.
Novels. I'm a novel writer.
It's not even close.
Pey?
Peyton?
Are you out there?
Harder...
Harder...
Harder!
Well, I think it's safe to say
You're not very good at the
whole deviant thing.
I tried really hard, Pey.
Oh, I know you did, love.
But...
Surely you know some kind of
normal chap
That doesn't mind having a laugh
and not taking it too seriously.
Well, there is this bloke
in me Mom and Tots group,
Left me a voicemail.
I mean, I could give him a go.
Well, there you have it.
I mean, he sounds like
a bit of a wanker.
But yeah, sure.
Start with him.
I really did try hard.
I know you did.
Oh, shh.
You're all right, sweetie.
She's got a dirty diaper.
No, no. She's hungry.
No, no, no. She's making
the "heh" sound.
Means she's uncomfortable.
If she was making
the "neh" sound - hunger.
It's a sucking reflex.
Hits the roof of your mouth.
Oh, how do you know that?
Oh, I saw it on an Oprah rerun.
You watch Oprah?
Hey, what I do during her nap
time's my business.
Don't judge me.
Shitty diaper.
Told ya.
I really like Oprah.
Oh, my goodness.
This is one seriously
bouncy baby.
Hello. How are you?
Do I get... can I get a little...
Coming in for...
Okay. Hmm? Huh? Hmm? Huh?
Okay, never mind.
Oh!
Ooh.
I like a little kitchen action
here, gorgeous.
Hi. Hi.
Mmm carroty.
I have a plan.
Okay.
We're going to have sex.
Hmm?
- With that?
- Sound good?
Oh my God. I like this plan.
Oh, easy. I need
some me time first.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Okay, so you watch Annie.
If you could finish the dishes
and do the laundry
And then we'll have a go.
Oh, if you could switch the
sheets on the upstairs bed,
That would be fantastic,
actually.
How about forget it?
What?
This is ridiculous.
What? Well, all those things
need to get done.
Yeah, and I'll do them because
I am a member of this family
And it's my responsibility.
Not because you're dangling sex
in front of me
Like I'm a frat boy.
I thought you'd like this idea.
No! I don't, I don't want
thanks-for-changing- the-sheets sex.
I want to be Goddamn romanced.
I don't want to feel
like I had to earn it.
Okay, well, well.
I need to feel relaxed
And knowing that those things
are getting done
Makes me feel relaxed
Well, you know what relaxes me?
Being intimate with my wife.
That bond, okay. And it's
been a year and I miss it.
Is that why you paid
a professional
To tell me
to have sex with you
For a hundred days in a row?
I have been reading
online... okay?
When you breastfeed Annie, it
releases a hormone called oxytocin,
It's basically a love hormone,
so you get to feel connected
To something during that time,
okay?
It's basically, it's like,
As if you were jerking off all
the time.
Okay? So I get it.
I get it why you don't need this
as much as I need it.
But I need it.
Babes...
You know, you know what?
It's me time. Go have me time.
And I will attend to the never ending
cascade of laundry in this house.
Three people live here.
Can you explain how we have so
much laundry?
Is Annie running a speak-easy?
And just other babies
come to town
And they just lose their shirts
playing poker?
Is... are we living on top of an
ancient laundromat burial ground?
Could that be it?
Ooh. Shit.
Ahh.
Hello lover.
You look fantastic.
Thank you!
So... how do we start?
Well, I thought we could
take some cues
From some of those videos
that you watched?
Does that mean I get a blow job?
Sex etiquette. Ladies always
come first. Move.
Okay.
It's time for a little
yoddle oddle oddle oddle ooh.
And, surprise...
Uh... hon?
What, what's going on
down there?
It's called a landing strip.
Do you like it?
It, yeah, it's lovely.
I had it done in town.
Wh... what if we run into that
person at the market?
Horton...
I don't want everybody in town
talking about my wife's landing strip.
Horton, you're over-thinking
this. Come on.
Let's get started.
- Okay.
- Okay.
What if the kids
find out about...
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
What is the matter with you?
You have an eager, willing,
and if I may say so,
Very sexy older woman
lusting after you
And hoping that you shower her with
all your wildest desires, honey.
- I'm in.
- Ah, good!
- Okay.
- Okay.
That tickles!
Ooh! Oh wow wow
wow wow wow!
Uh oh! Uh oh.
What? What what what?
My contact lens. Oh, it it.
Don't, don't move
- Where is it?
- Just hold on for a minute.
I can find it.
Okay, there, ah!
- Ahh!
- What?
Ohh. Ohh.
Where... I can't see
a damn thing.
- A flashlight here
- Stay there. Stay there.
- Oh, it's over here.
- More to the left.
- Ooh. Oh honey.
- Wait, it keeps moving around.
I got, I got,
I think I got it.
Oh yeah. Yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah.
- Yes! Yes!
- Yeah yeah yeah. You're there.
- I got... yes!
- You're almost there.
- I got, I think I...
- Whoa!
Oh, I like where you're going
with that, Horton!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Don't stop! Oh, don't stop!
I'm almost there!
Oh, for crying out loud!
Do you realize
how stupid we look?
I mean, grandfathers don't go
poking around for contact lenses
In grandmother's openings.
That's how you see me?
As a grandmother?
I am a sexual being, Horton.
You're a sexual being
with varicose veins.
And you have 50 extra pounds
that you're never gonna lose,
But I still desire you.
You're the one who came to me
complaining about
Our lack of sex.
I know. And I should have left
just well enough alone.
But you didn't.
You opened Dolores' Box
and I'm glad.
I love you, Horton,
and I still have my needs.
The kids are gone and if I do
one more fucking puzzle...
I'm gonna kill somebody.
Horton, I will not go back
to the way it was before.
It's your call.
Oh, God...
Hey, ready?
For what?
It's date night.
The sitter's downstairs.
Oh uh, pfft. I'm sorry.
I totally forgot.
Oh...
Ten minutes? Or eleven?
Eleven and a half?
Sure.
Awesome.
Um... oh!
Fettuccine Alfredo,
that sounds good. I'll do that.
Really?
You're going to do
dairy and starch?
Um, yeah. So?
It's just not the most winning
of combinations for you.
You were quiet during dinner.
Yeah, I guess I was
just trying to enjoy
Every scrumptious morsel of the
meal you hand picked for me.
Okay, next time I'll let you
feel bloated...
- for the whole night.
- Thank you.
- When we go back you can have...
- Oh God. It's not about the fucking pasta.
It's that you don't think
I can make
Even the tiniest of decisions.
I don't think that.
Okay, great. Then I get to
decide what time
Our kid takes a nap,
or what snack he eats,
Or what show he watches.
- Now, that's different.
- It isn't!
Yes, it is. I'm with him
more than you are.
You never have to deal with the
fall-out from those kinds of decisions.
I work from home.
I'm there all the time.
And yet you never are.
Oh. Okay. You want me to step up
and assign roles here?
- From now on, I'm the "mom".
- Why?
Because I'm the one who had him.
Wow, you look gorgeous.
Oh, thanks.
Um... I, I brought red.
I hope that's okay.
Oh, yeah! Yeah.
I mean...
I think I might be an alcoholic,
but you know.
Anyway, what's one drink, right?
Come in! Come in. Come in.
Um, I just need a moment, so
just make yourself at home.
- I'll be right back.
- Yeah, sure.
I think I'm going to bunk it up.
Oh, bollocks. You
look great. Just be yourself.
Oh, no. I can't be myself!
Every time I'm myself,
I mess it up!
Do you have a little something?
You know,
to take the edge off, like?
All right,
just the smallest amount.
- Okay.
- All right.
- What is it?
- Valium.
Okay... where did you get it?
Oh, from a mom in the park.
It's for my back.
Huh? What's wrong with your
back?
Spasms. I was fucking
this wild chick and I...
It helps me get to sleep,
all right?
So you just...
Do I drug myself
to sleep every night? Yes.
We don't have to tell each other
every fucking thing, all right?
Go down there and have some fun.
- Just on the table?
- Yeah, that'd be great.
- Yeah, thanks.
- Looks delicious.
Oh, thanks.
So you like to cook?
Yeah, well you know,
you learn a thing or two
When all your dates end early.
Heh, you're funny.
Where's your cutlery?
Um! It's in the glass.
I-I mean it's here!
It's right here.
Oh, great.
Oh, no no no. I can do that.
It's, it's...
I already got it.
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
Okay! Okay.
I am having a lovely time.
I just want to thank you,
you know?
I-I feel really good around you.
Sorry, I just snotted a little.
Oh, great. Yeah.
But you know, I'm serious.
I-I don't know what it is.
I trust you, you know?
Okay. Fuck it. I'm gonna go
for full disclosure here.
I have... I have dated
a lot of women.
That's nice, yeah.
No, it doesn't.
It sucks.
Too many is too many.
I, I always find something
wrong with them,
That's the thing, you know,
and for a long time,
I thought it was them,
but it's not. It's me.
I'm always finding something
wrong with them because
There's something wrong with me.
I'm a self saboteur, you know?
I, I choose women
who are impossible.
They're too young, they're too
crazy, they're too busy,
They don't like kids,
they don't like me,
Like, what the fuck?
Anyway...
What was I talking about?
Right...
Everybody makes mistakes.
I make mistakes
all the time.
I've fucked up a marriage.
I'm probably fucking up my kid
right now.
No, I am not.
I'm not fucking up my kid.
I will not fuck up my kid.
Okay.
No, sorry. I usually don't
babble like this
Until, like, my fourth drink.
Uh...
What I wanted to say was,
When I'm with you I just... I
feel like I'm in a safe place.
I think I might have
drugged you.
I mean, nothing really serious.
But just sort of an
inappropriate amount of Valium.
No, no, no.
Pl-please don't do that.
Please, I, I really, I really
think you should lie down.
I think you're
going to pass out.
Why would you drug me?
Well, it just
wasn't meant for you.
It was sort of meant for me.
Why would you drug you?
Well, I just thought it would
be easier, you know?
To what?
Tonight. You know, the whole
night would be easier.
I mean, I realize in retrospect that
was poorly thought through, but I just...
Holy shit.
You're fucking serious.
Yeah...
What did you give me?
Oh, no no no no no.
Oh, please don't leave!
Stay! I'm having a really
lovely time. Please stay.
Stay for what? What, do you got
Rohypnol pudding for dessert?
Oh, God. You know,
it was just a stupid mistake.
And, and you just said
mistakes were all right!
I don't feel so good.
Okay. All right.
Why don't you sit down?
Hmm? Let's sit down, shall we?
Yeah?
Could I get you a drink, maybe?
I mean, not the same drink.
A completely different drink.
Why did you do this to me?
Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm just really lonely
and horny, you know?
I can't really believe I just
said that out loud,
But I am, you know?
I don't really know
what I'm doing.
I'm not a very good mother.
My kid cries herself to sleep
most nights, you know,
But I love her. You know,
I do love her.
I try really hard, but it's all
shit, isn't it?
You know, cause you do your best
and nobody cares.
And I don't want some man to just come
and sweep me off my feet, you know.
That's not what I'm looking for.
And I'm not looking for someone
To just come and hop in and out
of bed with me either, you know?
I just want to know someone can
stand to be around me, you know,
The me that I am when I'm not trying to be
the me that I think everyone wants me to be...
Do you know what I mean?
Fuck! Oh, come on! Wake up!
Okay... come on...
Oh, yeah. Hi, hi.
Is, is Marcy there, please?
Oh, I really do need
to speak to Marcy.
Okay. Um, right.
Well, my friend and I having
a little debate and, um,
I thought maybe I could
ask you that if, um,
If I tell you something
sort of, say, dodgy...
Do you have to call the police
Or do we have some sort of
doctor/patient thing on the go?
Oh you do. Yeah.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
So that's what I'll tell her.
Okay. That's great. Thanks.
Oh, you've been great.
Okay. Bye!
Fuck!
Oh, God.
Why do you have to be so big?
Harder!
Harder?
I just need you
to help me with him.
I'm not sure I can be
a part of this, I'm an illegal.
It's partially your fault.
You're the one
who had the Valium.
Are you being serious right now?
Oh...
Pey, we can't
just leave him here.
So, deal with it.
But, I can't.
Yes, you can.
Look.
You're a smart capable woman.
You just do stupid things
Because you don't think
you're good enough.
It's embarrassing.
Oh, I'm embarrassing?
You're the one who's illegally
in the country
Cause you've pissed away every
friend and penny you ever had.
You're a loser too, Peyton.
We both are.
Hey, don't talk to me like mom
and dad did, all right?
We're better than that.
Oh, yeah. This from a guy who
googles
How to take care of a baby on
the internet.
Yeah, well at least
I'm doing something.
I mean, you can barely touch her
half the time.
That's not true!
I'm just so afraid
I'll mess her up, Pey.
Look. We had shitty parents.
They didn't give
a fuck about us.
So what?
You turned out great.
Don't you know that?
No. Nobody's ever told me that.
You see, that's just it.
You don't have to be told
how good you are,
You just need to know it.
You see that girl upstairs?
She doesn't know that we don't
know what the fuck we're doing.
But she can have it better
than we did.
We can do that for her.
And besides.
I just told you.
Ohh.
Lou?
"I'm really, really sorry
I drugged you. "
Well, that's nice.
# What do you do
# With a sky so blue?
# Fields all a green
# Where the stream
runs through...
I met someone who's really nice
at work, but...
# If it all flew away
# And the sky
turned to Grey...
# I'd stay
# How do you hold
# all the sun's great gold
# Fields all a green
# Where the stream unfolds
# If it all flew away
# and the sky turned to Grey
# I'd stay
I completely understand
why you felt
The daddy comments were
inappropriate... thank you.
And I can categorically assure
you that it won't happen again.
I think delving into it any
further would be excessive,
Though if you need anything more
from me by way of apology
I would be happy to proved that.
Pressing on, I'm delighted
that you called me
And that we've reconnected...
# If all words fell away
# And there was no way to say
# I'd stay
# With you
# So you'd see
# Oh, how strong
Oh, how true
# Is my love, love, love
# For...
# You...
Do you need some help?
I'm all right.
Besides, you're busy.
You're just passing through.
Well...
What if I said I wasn't?
I need to be able to do this.
Okay.
Let's have a song,
shall we?
Hi there, Mr. Anti-Social.
Hi, kiddo.
You didn't have any dessert.
I'm, I wasn't hungry.
So, you, you enjoying
the big city?
Yes. So much more my speed.
Yeah, it's pretty slow
around here, huh?
Well, no.
It's just an acquired taste.
So are you gonna tell me what
you're all whiny about?
Everything's fine.
Is it, like,
a mid-life crisis thing or...
No, it's nothing like that.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
Because mom shaved her pussy.
What! Is she like
showing everybody?
Ew, gross. No.
She didn't like show me it.
She just asked me where I got
mine done and so I told her.
Okay. That's enough.
I don't need to hear any of this.
I'm the father!
I know that you're my father...
But you don't need
to be my daddy anymore.
Look, like I moved out, so...
Don't you think that it's time
for our relationship to...
I don't know... mature?
We can talk about
grown-up stuff now.
Is that like, so crazy for you?
That we're grown-ups now?
No...
I remember when you guys were
little and the three of you
Were out playing
in the yard one day
And I actually asked myself,
"Whose kids are those?
Cause they can't be mine!"
Dad, you were the best.
At the time, I just thought that
I would never get used to it.
But now... now...
Now I'm stuck.
Aw.
Your mother wants
to have anal sex.
Oh, my God! Dad!
Well, what do I do?
Anal? I don't know!
Well, should I do it?
Jesus Chri... Dad, no!
I... I cannot have...
I can't have this conversation
with you. That's...
Sweetie, please! I need you.
I mean, what can I do?
This is too much for me.
Okay...
Okay, well just...
Keep an open mind...
So you're saying I should?
Oh, my God. I don't know!
I'm not like giving you
my stamp of approval, I just...
Um, just, you should do
what you have to do,
And then we should never
talk about it ever again.
Okay.
Okay...
Well, should I get some
lubricant?
God, daddy. I can't.
Did she leave
without saying goodbye?
Oh, God! Horton!
Why are you naked?
Because I can be.
You scared the hell out of me.
Shut up.
Excuse me.
Let's fuck.
Now?
Yeah. Now. Right here.
On the floor.
Because we can.
That's our new mantra.
We are going to do
everything we want to do.
Because we can.
Well, I love the sounds of that.
What are your thoughts
on butt plugs?
Um... Can we start slow?
Yes, we can.
He's asleep?
Mhmm.
What I said the other night...
No, it's fine. It's true.
Oh, don't make me hate myself.
Believe it or not,
I can't control
How you feel about yourself.
Hit me back.
No.
You're his mother
just as much as I am.
I'm a glorified aunt.
- Oh, stop it. That's not true.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is!
Wow. Are we even now?
No. No we're not.
Cause I can never be
what you are.
I can never feel what you felt,
And I fucking resent you for it.
Do you feel better now?
You're an amazing mother.
Fuck you, I'm not!
I'm a control freak and you know
what the worst part of it is?
I feel like I have to be because if
I'm not, if I'm not a control freak,
Then who the hell am I
to both of you?
And what if you realize that
you've made a mistake,
What if you realize that you...
That you don't need me.
Oh, you don't honestly
believe that?
Yeah...
I do, actually.
You... you nurture
and, and stimulate him.
So you couldn't carry him?
So fucking what?
I mean, God, I don't know
if you remember this
But I was a fucking nightmare
the entire time
And I resented the shit out of
you because you couldn't do it.
I'm a mom because of DNA.
You're a mom because
that's who you are.
You said to me the other night
That, that I haven't
been there for him...
No, I'm sorry. That's not true.
I know.
It's you that I haven't been
there for.
How you doing?
I'm great.
Mommy, mommy, mommy.
I'm on it.
Mommy, where are you?
Mommy, mommy, mommy!
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah...
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm sorry...
Oh, do we have Mom's Group?
No, no. I just, um,
I forgot my sippy cup last time.
Oh, right.
Is now a bad time, or...
No, no. I was, um,
just getting my laundry on.
Sweet enough?
You never told me what you
thought about my pictures.
Oh, you know, I think the, the
busboys might have taken them.
I couldn't find them.
No, they didn't.
They have their own.
Of course they do.
You look like you need a hug.
- No, I'm okay. That's... that...
- Just, just, just a little one.
There, is that better?
So how's stuff at home? Is it
just, like, crazy with the kid?
Oh, yeah. Things at home
are pretty crazy, yeah.
Both my siblings, they have
toddlers running around
And I just don't know how they find
time to fuck, you know what I mean?
Well, there's more important
things in the world...
Huh uh. I am not gonna let my
kid mess with my love life.
That's for fuckin' sure.
Yeah, well you say that now,
but you don't know.
No, when my kid is sucking on
their soother,
I'm going to be sucking...
Okay.
Hi.
This is not okay.
Why? Why, we're just talking?
This is not talking.
Yes it is. It's body language.
You smell really nice.
I taste nice too.
It's okay.
It's okay, just relax.
Just do whatever you want.
What am I doing?
I'm not even close to my house.
Hey... okay.
So, let me get this straight.
She drugged you?
You know, it sounds worse
than it was.
Oh, my gosh.
She knows where I live.
I let her around my kid!
No, you can't tell her
I told you.
Look, it was...
I'm sure it was an accident.
What does it matter? You're not
going to see her again.
Tell me you're not
going to see her again.
Look, she's kind of awesome.
So she's messed up.
Who isn't, right?
Oh, my God. You can't possibly
be this hard up for sex.
No. Sex is easy. You can get it
anywhere, it's...
Maybe you can get it anywhere.
So can you.
Oh, I'll be back.
Hey, you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
She's back down.
All right, good.
What's that?
Oh, uh. I heard your laundry
ding, so I switched it for you.
I hope that's not...
Honey?
What's wrong?
We have to talk.
It's much easier to fantasize
about someone
You're not angry with
for missing supper
Or leaving wet towels
on the floor.
Someone who is sexually
available
When your partner's not.
When the excitement goes
out of your relationship,
You can't help but want it back
in some form.
You can talk it out, but
that's... that's hard work.
You have to say, out loud, things
that are uncomfortable and honest.
It's so much easier to check out
and find something new
And exciting along the way.
But, the fact that
you're here is good.
The fact that you're talking
is good.
This is a place where most couples
don't even attempt to get to.
That's not something that's
going to be solved over night.
This is the first step.
But if you don't, if you don't
take that step...
You're not going anywhere.
Okay!
Where'd ya' go, sexy?
Right here... oh!
Hi, honey.
I didn't know you and
Oops would be home.
Oh, fuck! I'm sorry!
Well, you know what? Next
time write...
"Screwing a fucking whore"
On the calendar
beside the fridge.
I am sorry. I...
And you know another thing?
Stop calling him Oops.
I hate it
when you call him Oops.
Okay. Okay. I promise I will
never call him that again.
Oh, it doesn't
even matter, Sean,
Because you're never gonna
see him again.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I'm being ridiculous?
- I'm being ridiculous?
- Yes.
Who is the one who was having a
mid-life crisis on the same bed
Where his son was conceived?
This transition has been big.
Look at the big picture
here, right.
Look at it, think about it.
You can't tell me that you
were over the moon
About everything that you
had to give up
That meant something
to you because of some kid.
He's not some kid, you prick.
He's our kid.
He's this little bundle
of amazingness
And you don't even realize it
Because you can't see the
things that you have, okay?
You only see the things
you used to have.
No...
Well if you want
that life back,
You can go ahead
and you can take it
Because I don't fucking,
I don't-I don't want it
anymore.
Oh, come on. Ms. Superior.
You can't look me in the eye
and tell me that you don't
Realize that
every single minute
That you try to
put him to sleep
Is a minute you're never
going to get back again.
Huh?
C'mon it's like
he's stealing your life away
One stupid
children's story at a time.
They're not stupid, Sean.
What do you mean they're
not stupid?!
Come on...
What kind of a brother
comes over a hill,
Sees a troll, and says "No,
no, don't eat me. "
Wait for my brother who's
coming up right behind me. "
What the hell kind of lesson
is that?
And, and who the hell says,
what is it?
"Not by the hair of my
chinny, chin-chin. "
What the hell is that?!
Come on.
Honey, be honest with
yourself.
Deep down we both want
the same things.
See, that's just it, Sean.
I don't think that we do.
You are...
You're just a sad...
Old man whose trying to hold
onto his youth.
You're a house-wife.
C'mon. C'mon, I'm sorry.
Please come back
And we'll, we'll talk.
Please?
Not by the hair of my chinny-
chin chin.
I know this probably makes
no difference to you,
But I didn't know he was
married.
Do you... Do you have some
place that you could go?
I mean, 'cause if you do, you
should...
You should go there and
don't come back.
I mean, that piece of shit
he's never going to change.
He... he'll say that he will.
But he won't.
I mean, he'll beg and he'll
plead
But you should just go and
not come back.
I mean do it for...
do it for your son.
Believe me...
Someone who steps out on
their family
Will always step out on their
family.
They're just... broken.
You know, I would... I would
apologize for all of this,
But I, I really think that I did
you a favor.
I mean, now you know what
he is.
And that's a good thing,
right?
So...
You're welcome.
Ooh!
You know what? I, I'm in this
Really awesome moms
group.
I know, I know, but it's just
that it's really nice people.
Great kids. Couple of single
Dads...
Sorry, it's... too soon. I know.
Actually, it's, it's weird.
It's weird. I'm sorry.
Taxi!
You know what?
You take this one.
You, you take it.
- Yeah!
- Yay!
What's that?
- Who's this here?
- Is this thing on?
Oh, hi! Hi, guys!
I'm sorry we missed
the party, but this, this cruise
Was just too good
to pass up.
Happy birthday sweetie,
It's grandma and grandpa,
We're gonna
bring you some...
Something, very special.
We're going to buy you...
- Hi, guys!
- A buffalo!
- What?
- Don't be silly.
They say they love you,
and they'll see you soon.
- Okay babe?
- Mama?
Yeah... well, mama
couldn't make it.
Jude! Come play!
- Pretty cute.
- She is cute.
I think I'm gonna take
Ephraim
To a movie after this.
What do you think?
I think we need to hear more
about that movie.
Do you want to go to a
movie?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
D'you have something I
could slip into your drink?
Oh God that's completely
inappropriate.
I'm really sorry I-I-I...
I was surprised
to get your invitation.
I didn't know
if you'd come or not.
I'd be crazy not to come,
you're so nice.
You? Crazy? Come on.
I guess I am a bit crazy,
aren't I?
No.
You're just dealing, just like
everybody else here.
Look, I, I have these tickets
to this thing next week.
I thought maybe we could
give this another shot.
Maybe brother could watch
the kids, what do you think?
Yeah! God, he'd love to.
Oh, he's brilliant.
I mean, you know, he's a
recovering drug addict,
But I mean, he's great,
You know, cause he's got
like, he's got puppets,
He does puppet shows
and got little trains.
He does all these kinds
of things, he's great with...
What was that for?
I just think you're great.
Even when I babble like an
idiot?
What!
Oh, those are the lesbians.
That's Gage's sister
and her partner.
Rumor has it, Gage donated
the baby juice.
- What?
- Yeah!
Keeping it in the family.
Anyway...
They left the group
Over some bullshit snack
selection thing,
But they're back now.
Yeah, no, no...
Yeah, we've met.
Oh, good!
Uh, excuse me, uh,
I found this little fella
Pulling on everyone's pants
asking for Mommy.
Oh, and so what,
you assume
Because he's black
that he's mine?
Yes. That is exactly
what I assumed.
Reverse-racism is fun.
No, I'm, I'm kidding.
Of course he's my kid.
Have you seen his face?
Have you seen my face?
Thank you.
Hey. Fun fact.
Did you know that toddlers
require their Mom's attention
Once every four minutes?
That's 210 times a day.
Must be maddening.
Really?
That is weird.
How did you know that?
Uhh, I'm a nanny.
Get out of here.
That's actually really cool.
Yeah. I suppose it is.
So, um... do you have any
advice for a... single mom?
Why don't you sit
and join us?
Okay.
Is that baby alive?
Yeah.
- She's a good sleeper.
- She's a good sleeper?
- Hey!
- Hey.
Hey, I've been meaning to
call you.
I wanted to say thank you,
for the other day.
Don't mention it.
I wanted, I wanted to thank
you for...
For not letting me
do something
That I would have regret...
Shh!
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Okay.
So, how long do you think
before they cut the cake?
I don't know. Soon.
Between seven,
20 minutes-ish?
Sure. We can do that.
Yeah! Okay.
And don't get me
started on tank tops.
I mean, seriously, what are
you, on a yachting team?
Wear a shirt. Stupid.
Do you mind?
Hey baby.
What're you doing,
I was drinking that.
Oh. Excuse me.
Oh, careful,
there's a stick there.
So to answer your question,
I think that having kids is
absolutely detrimental
To the sex life of a couple.
But the experience of going
through pregnancy,
Childbirth, and later child-
rearing with someone else
Allows for a whole new level
of trust and familiarity
That I just don't think
happens otherwise.
You sure about this,
out in public,
People might see us...
I hope so.
I just washed this dress.
My goodness, to what do we
owe this new frontier spirit?
Well, I just woke up this
morning and thought
"I'm going to have sex
with my husband in a bush. "
So perhaps
sex after kids suffers,
But maybe something better
comes out of it...
"That's You"]
# There is only one reason
# My heart knows
what to do
# That's you
# Like a dream that
suddenly was real
# And then came true
# That's you
# I was sad
and lonesome
# Forever blue
# Clouds of Grey
all blew away
# And the sun shined
through
# That's you
# Because we are
together
# Life is better
and brand new
# That's you
# Someone is an angel
# Sent from heaven
I know who
# That's you
# I was melancholy
# Forever blue
# Clouds of Grey
all blew away
# And the sun shined
through
# That's you
# And love is
the great adventure
# Some will win
# Some will lose
# But the only one
I trust with my love
# That's you.
# Love is the great
adventure
# Some will win
# Some will lose
# But the only one
I trust with my love
# That's you
# There is
only one reason
# my heart
knows what to do
# That's you