Hey, man. Do you have a
bathroom that we could use?
We?
She loves bathrooms.
No.
Look, man, we wanna fuck
in the bagel bathroom.
You just tell me
what that's gonna take.
Nothing. You can't.
I'll tell you what.
Give me every
fucking bagel you got.
I'll buy you out, and then I'm
gonna bang in the bagel room.
I really...
She wants to eat
a bagel off my cock.
Guys, I'm sorry,
but this isn't gonna happen.
I want
a cock bagel.
She wants a cock bagel, man. Sympathize.
I don't sympathize.
Hey, didn't you teach
geometry a couple of years ago?
No.
He did.
He was our fucking student
teacher. Remember that?
Holy shit.
Yes, you're right.
Now you work in a bagel shop?
Economy's been really bad.
Wow, man.
You're a real loser.
I bet you masturbate a lot.
You have that look.
I don't have that look.
You guys need to leave.
- Or what?
- Or I'll call the police.
Oh, fuck you, man.
We want the bathroom.
Aw, he's
the fucking quarterback.
Stop!
Eat dick, bagel man.
Hey, let's
just go fuck in your car.
Hey, man.
You're home early.
What are you
doing in my room?
It's cool.
A little mix-up.
She's great, right?
You're screwing in my bed?
I don't have sheets on my bed. I
thought you just lay down a towel.
She is not "just a towel"
kind of girl. She's special.
Oh, good. I'm happy...
That's not my bed.
That's Eddie's bed.
I'm disgusting. I... I don't
have any sheets on my bed...
I pissed the bed, threw out the
sheets and never got new ones.
And I just wanna be perfectly
honest with you because I'm...
I'm crazy about you.
You are
so fucking cheesy.
And I think
I kind of like it.
Okay, good night.
Oh, Eddie.
Eddie, Ally.
Ally, Eddie. Hi. Hi.
So, you're the first girl
to be naked in my bed.
Oh, I'm...
I'm sorry.
No, no. It's fine.
Did that letter come
for me today, man?
Oh. Yeah.
It's in the bathroom.
What's it doing
in the bathroom?
That's where I read
my mail, dude.
Rejected.
What?
That sucks.
Dude, you were born to teach.
I was, man.
I'm a good teacher.
When I was a student teacher, our math
team went to the motherfucking state finals.
You goddamn right they did. You gave
those nerds something to live for.
You don't get to the state
finals by being nice, man.
Geometry isn't nice. It's
fucking hard. Pythagorean theorem?
- I don't even know what that is.
- I am sick and tired...
of waiting to be
a teacher, man.
You wanna screw a girl,
you don't wait to buy bedding.
The quarterback wants a
cock bagel, he doesn't wait.
and I'm gonna tell the American Teaching
Corps they owe me a goddamn interview.
Yes! Yes!
Right? Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
What is a cock bagel?
Hi. You rejected my application
without ever giving me an interview.
And I deserve
an interview.
So that's why I'm here.
I like your spirit.
Let's see this rsum.
It says here you student-taught
at Bradenton. Good school.
I really enjoyed
that experience,
and I actually started a math
team that went to the state finals.
I used to work with kindergartners
before they put me behind the desk.
Oh. God, I loved those fucking kids.
Great hugs.
And their smiles?
Gives you a reason
to wake up in the morning.
Absolutely.
You mind?
Totally.
You're allowed to like
drinking. You know what I mean?
Sure. Of course.
That's why
I love those kids.
I mean, if I were sad
or maybe a little drunk...
They don't judge.
You know?
Maybe I worked my way
through an eight ball...
and woke up in St. Pete with
half a kitten in a cardboard box.
Didn't matter.
Those little guys...
good for the hug, always.
Well, I've always thought
that a... a nurturing approach...
is much better
than being an authoritarian.
That's why we do it.
We don't do it for the
bitches, that's for certain.
No. I... I do not do it
for the bitches either.
Well, not to say
I pay for sex.
I mean, strip club occasionally,
but that's no biggie.
There's nothing wrong
with a gentleman's club.
No, there isn't.
Me, personally,
big fan of Odyssey 2001.
You been there?
Uh, the strip club?
I think I've seen it from the
highway. With the spaceship?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.
A good strip club has
to have a compelling theme.
Otherwise, you're just jerking
off in a warehouse. You know?
Do you mind if I give you
some advice? Please do.
This isn't teaching advice.
This is life advice.
Okay, cool.
Never do two illegal things
at the same time.
I like that advice.
Can I give you
some more advice?
Do not go to a strip club
in the town you live in.
Not even Odyssey?
Especially not Odyssey.
Why? Because it
becomes habitual.
Before you know it, you're just
stopping by for a quick drink.
And the bartender's mixing you a "G
and T" before you even asked for it.
Then one day you wake up...
and guess what happens.
I don't know what,
but it sounds bad.
You're married, man.
You're fucking married.
And your wife? She's still working
the pole four nights a week.
Fuck me.
That's all I'm saying.
Write this shit down.
I brought a pad.
This is gold, man.
All right, "Edward Cole. "
Right?
Eddie. Eddie's fine.
Eddie.
Yeah.
Like Eddie Murphy.
So, what do you
wanna teach, Eddie?
I mean, ideal world.
Well, I was trained
to teach math.
And as I was saying, our team
went to the state finals last year.
Good for you.
Well, the thing is...
we don't really have
any positions.
There's got to be something. Mm-mmm.
Oh, wait.
I do have something.
Done and done.
It's either Fourth or Fisk
Street. I can't read it.
Fisk?
Fisk. Fourth or Fisk.
Good luck.
I got the job!
No way, dude!
We're celebrating.
I'm so happy
for you, Eddie.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
No, no, no, no. You're sitting
right there. Oh, watch out.
So, what's the job?
Oh, sorry. I don't wanna sit
on the couch and get all oily.
Um, it's up in Tampa...
Ybor City.
It's an after-school
study program for kids.
That's, uh... That's the
Cuban neighborhood, right?
It's really cool
up there.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm excited.
Brutal commute though, man.
Fucking bru...
You're gonna be living
on the Skyway.
I know.
I, uh... I don't mean
to insert myself here,
but it may make sense for you
to get a place closer up there.
Wh... No. No, no. If you move over
there, I'm never gonna see you.
I don't know, man.
Maybe it's a good idea.
A fresh start.
Well, what's most important
is that you're happy.
So... I guess do whatever makes
you happy, man.
And this is just gonna
keep on happening.
Role-play stuff, man.
What roles
are you guys playing?
Christmas in the firehouse.
Yeah, turkey was for dinner.
But what's the elephant? Oh.
My dick goes
in the nose like this.
# No time for dreaming #
# Dreaming, dreaming #
# Got to get on up #
# Get up #
# And do my thing #
# Ooh #
# No time for dreaming #
# Dreaming, dreaming #
# Got to get on up #
# Get up #
- # And do my thing #
- # And do your thing #
# Dream while
you're sleeping #
# Tired of slowly creeping #
# Open up your eyes #
# Before it's too late #
# Try a little harder #
# Stop wasting over yonder #
Hi. I'm here
to check out the apartment.
The apartment... you're gonna
love it. It's got everything.
So this is it.
This is your palace, baby.
This is where you're gonna
love and lose. It's all here.
All right.
Hey, motherfucker,
you gonna pay rent...
or am I gonna have
to make you homeless?
So, the walls here
are thin.
Got it.
But, you know, if you're
banging it out, don't be shy.
I don't mind
a little noise.
I'm... I'm fairly quiet
when I make love.
I'm just saying, you
know, I like the sound.
Sensuality and whatnot.
You know, life, happening.
Yeah, it can
be soothing.
And you might hear a little
bit of something from me too.
I might get a little screamy,
but it's all good.
If shit gets screamy,
I'm just handling my business.
Sure. Sure.
I think I'll take it.
Right on.
All right, well, come downstairs to
my bar later, meet your neighbors.
Okay, sure.
That's pretty
cool music.
Pretty cool?
Baby, it's the coolest.
I used to be in band.
Yeah, what'd you play?
The oboe. It's a woodwind.
Man, I know what a oboe
is. It's a pussy deflector.
It's like a pussy magnet,
but in reverse.
I was in jazz band, so...
You played jazz oboe?
Yeah. I had, like,
a Kenny G thing going on.
We used to do
jazzy Christmas songs.
But oboe.
Yeah, it wasn't
very cool, was it?
Oh, baby,
it really wasn't.
That's okay, doll.
What's your poison?
I'll have a whiskey.
All right.
# Come on, baby #
# Give me a chance now #
# Come on, darling #
# Give me a chance now #
# You know I'm sorry #
# I've been waiting
so long now #
# Just let me wreck the car #
# And I don't wanna #
# Come on,
daddy, daddy, daddy #
# Give me a chance ##
Hey, guys.
I'm Mr. Cole.
I am your after-school
activities coordinator.
So, what do you
wanna learn?
Come on, guys. You wouldn't be here
if you didn't wanna learn something.
This is detention.
What?
We have to be here.
We all got in trouble.
- Yes.
- Can I go to the bathroom?
Sure. Yeah. Go ahead.
Hey, you wanna hear me
freestyle rap?
- Uh...
- Yeah. He's awesome.
Okay. Sure. Yeah.
Let's hear something.
- All right, what's your name? Cole?
- Yeah.
All right. Go.
# Mr. Cole
likes it in the hole #
# Just a little brown,
wants to go downtown #
# Mm, Mr. Cole
sucking dick on the knoll #
- Hey... # Pussy bitch wanna
suck a dick on the knoll #
- Hey, that's enough.
- # He got one in his hole Both holes #
That's enough!
Aw, come on, Mr. Cole,
stop being such a bitch.
If you use that kind of language in
this class, I will call your parents.
No, no, no, don't do that.
You can't.
- What's going on? Are you okay?
- I'm gonna die. I got cancer.
What?
I'm bleeding.
What do you mean? I'm
bleeding out my hoo-ha.
She's bleeding out her pussy.
Come... Come with me.
Come on.
I got these
in the teachers' lounge.
Here.
What do I do
with these?
That's a tampon. I
don't know what that is!
Well, see, you-you just... you
take it and you... put it in.
What? No way!
No, it's...
You just... Look. It...
It's...
Can I...
Can I call your parents?
My dad is working
right now, and...
I don't have a mom.
Uh...
Can you wait right here?
I know someone
that I can call.
Can you just wait here one
second? I'll be right back.
Oh, thank the Lord
you came.
This is my friend Ally.
She's a nurse.
She's gonna help you out.
Yeah. Come with me.
It'll all be all right.
You wanna get a drink
with JT?
There's a really cool bar underneath
my new apartment. Yeah, sounds good.
Hey. What are you still doing here?
Oh. My sister's meeting me,
but she's always late.
Oh. There she is.
That's your sister?
Hey, buddy.
Hi.
Hi. Uh, I'm Ed Cole.
I work at the school.
Pilar, Tito's sister.
Oh.
- Uh, this is my friend Ally.
- Hi.
Not my...
Not my girlfriend.
Oh. Okay.
- She's actually dating my best friend, so...
- I think she gets it, Eddie.
Right.
So...
How's it going?
Great. Good.
Yeah. Cool.
You come here often?
The school?
Yeah. Um... Yeah. I guess so.
I... I meet Tito
most days.
Oh, right. Yeah.
Um, we better get going,
right, Ed?
Yeah. We actually have plans
tonight, so we got to jet.
Yeah, we're going
to this really cool bar.
I don't know
if you wanna... chill.
Chill?
Yeah, like hang out.
Yeah, nobody says "chill. "
Tito, be nice
to your teacher.
Reggaeton ]
Let's roll.
That's our ride.
Yeah, I-I got
my ride over there.
Um, well, bye.
Yeah. Bye.
She was so scared 'cause no
one ever explained it to her.
Sex ed, man.
That's what these kids need.
Are you sure you're the best
person to be teaching sex ed?
You can teach sex ed
even if you're a virgin.
You might actually
be better at it.
- Whoa. Who said I was a virgin?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
For the record, Eddie is
definitely not a virgin.
He had, uh, crazy sex with a
Canadian girl one summer at camp.
Who is now a model
in Toronto.
Yeah.
Wow.
But maybe it is time
to get back out there.
- Dude, I liked this girl today.
- That did not go well.
- Why?
- It was really uncomfortable to watch.
Really uncomfortable.
Like watching that porno
with Screech.
What you need
is a rain dance.
I don't need a rain dance.
What's a rain dance?
he finds a girl who is less than
attractive and he has sex with her,
and then he paints
his face like an Indian...
You are in a dry spell. You
are in the Death fucking Valley.
And once it rains, it pours.
So what you need to do...
is find a girl to end the dry
spell and get things pouring again.
No. That's
terrible advice.
Sometimes you got to get
your dick a little bit dirty.
I like having
a clean dick.
Well, unavailable men are
sometimes more attractive.
By unavailable, she means bros
who presently reek of pussy.
And even though you totally
lost your virginity at camp...
and everybody believes
you're not a virgin...
a rain dance
might be a good thing.
Jump-start things,
get things going again.
Yeah, but if I lower my
standards and date an ugly girl,
doesn't that kind of constrain
me to a particular ballpark?
Recall the woman to whom I
was laying pipe prior to Ally.
JT, I'm right here.
She looked like she lived
under a bridge. Yeah.
The girl I was railing
looked like a troll.
But I was getting laid.
And that, in some deep biological,
pheromonal, pussy-stank way,
attracted her to me.
So, why were you
attracted to me?
I don't know.
I just was.
Do you think
it was some sort...
of deep, pheromonal,
semen stink kind of way?
That's a good question.
If Ally smelled like jizz,
would you be attracted to her?
Yeah. If we were in a bar
and I had jizz on me,
would you come over
and talk to me?
- I don't think he would.
- I don't think he would either.
I... I... I really thought
you guys had something special.
And you'd get turned off
by a little white sauce.
I just want you to stop talking
about other people jizzing on you.
So, why were you
attracted to me?
I think maybe it's because you're
so willing to call me on my shit...
that you'll tell me
other people jizzed on you.
I'm pretty awesome
that way, right?
See, this is what I want...
what you guys have.
See, but if you want this,
you got to make it rain.
I have just the girl.
Who? She was a senior
when we were freshmen.
Crazy. And I don't think
she's changed since college.
Really? Oh, she will get the job done.
What is wrong
with you guys?
All right, guys,
today we're gonna learn
about the human body.
Now, I know there's a lot of slang
terms out there for body parts.
- Like "poontang. "
- Please be quiet, Leon.
It's important for you to know and
understand the scientific terms...
so that you have respect for your
bodies and for the bodies of others.
That's why in this class we're only gonna
use the proper names for the body parts.
So let's start
with the female anatomy.
Here we have
the labia majora.
Let me hear you say it.
Let's all get comfortable
with it here.
Labia majora.
Good.
Yes, Leon.
- Is it always called labia majora?
- Yes, Leon.
What if it's
kind of droopy?
It's always the labia majora.
- What if it looks like lunch meat?
- It's still the labia majora.
What if it looks
like a baby's face frowning?
That... That's still
labia majora.
- Well, what if it... - Leon, it will
always be labia majora. Okay?
I'm just saying, man, I seen some shit
that I would not call labia majora.
- Last warning, Leon. - Man, let me
know when you find your tiny dick.
It's right above
your tiny balls.
Ooh.
Principal's office now.
- No, no, no. Mr...
- I warned you, Leon. Go!
Please, Mr. Cole,
my dad will kill me.
Go, Leon.
I was just talking.
You should know
better, Leon. I'm sorry.
You have a dirty mouth.
A dirty,
dirty mouth.
I taught you better than
that. You should know better.
You know better.
Sir, um,
I'm Eddie Cole.
I run the after-school
academic program.
Reverend Marcus Hamilton.
You're not gonna wash
your hands? Excuse me.
I apologize
for my son's behavior.
It's really not that big a
deal. It's just kids being kids.
So, what have the kids
been learning?
Uh, well, we are
taking some time...
to just talk about general
adolescent health issues.
What do you mean by that?
Well, uh,
Leon and the other kids
are going through puberty,
and they don't really understand
what's happening to them.
So... So you're telling my
son about his pubic hair?
No.
You don't think that I can
explain pubic hair to my own son?
No, of course not.
Believe me when I say...
I have a thorough
understanding of pubic hair.
And that these types of
discussions should be had at home...
between a parent
and child.
Not with some teacher that I barely
know and certainly don't trust.
I understand.
Come on, Leon.
What's up, honey? Hey.
I'm meeting a girl here.
Oh, all right.
Blind date.
Oh, I think she's here.
Hey.
Trish. You're Eddie. Hi.
Hi.
Oh.
Nice to meet you.
Sorry.
That's okay.
Wow. This is
a cool spot.
Yeah.
So, what's go...
up with you?
Not much.
I was just gonna say
your blouse is really nice.
Oh, thank you. It's a
good color. Good color.
Black.
- Can I get you something?
- Uh, shots. Thanks.
We'll get this party started. Okay.
Right?
Yeah.
What do you like to drink?
Everything.
They have
everything here. Mmm.
So, do you, like...
do you, like, sip?
'Cause I...
Like, the big cup sometimes...
Oh, that's how you... Okay. Mm-hmm.
And the parents are working, and
they cut after-school programs.
It's important.
I need to teach them.
Why don't you
teach me something?
Huh?
Oh, what do you
wanna learn?
Come on, Mr. Teacher.
Huh?
You show me
what you're made of.
Get up.
Whoo!
Whoop. Oh, I don't
think we should do that.
It's all clear.
Wait? In here? Here.
Come on.
Back here.
Come on.
Wait. We should go
to my apartment.
Mm-mmm.
Do you have
a nice dick?
Yeah.
Yeah?
I bet your dick
tastes like candy.
Yeah, it does.
Yeah?
What kind of candy?
Mmm. It's
dick-flavored candy.
Mmm. I like that.
Right.
What?
Why are guys
always using me?
What?
You only like me because you
know I give good blow jobs.
Don't... No, no. I didn't
know that. I didn't know it.
Well, I do.
They're really good.
Great. I used to give JT blow jobs.
I thought
I loved him,
but he only
loved blow jobs.
You're a really
nice person.
You're... You're...
You're such a nice person.
We don't have
to get physical right now.
Oh, no, it's okay.
And I am
such a freak sometimes.
Just pull your dick out.
No. No, it's fine.
It's okay.
Just pull it out.
We're good. We're good.
I really...
I really think...
We're fine. It's okay.
Oh.
Got it.
Okay.
You're gay.
You are gay.
Hmm.
No.
Okay. Well...
She called me gay.
Oh, my God.
You're upset about that?
Yes, I am.
Why?
That girl was served up
to me on a silver platter.
Oh, please. When Tonya
Harding walked in here,
you looked at her
like she was born out of an egg.
You were not interested.
Yeah, I didn't
really like her, but...
Sometimes you got to lower
your standards. You know?
No, I don't know.
You think when I pull a man's
pants down and I see a tiny penis,
that I'm like, "Ahh.
This micro-dick will do?
Girl's gotta eat. "
Shit. Fuck that shit.
I... I haven't been with
a girl in basically forever.
So?
So?
It makes you a dude who hasn't
had his bird wet in a while.
That don't mean shit.
I'm 23,
and I feel like I'm 15.
I'm broke. I don't have the job I want.
I don't have a girl.
I just... I feel like I'm
waiting for life to start for me.
Let me tell you something.
You wanna be a man?
You wanna scratch
the surface of life?
Stop moping.
Because that's not
what men do.
Life will start for you
when you start it for yourself.
Sit up.
Okay, today we're gonna talk about
sexually transmitted diseases.
Can anybody
name one?
Yes.
The clap.
The clap. Right.
The clap is slang
for gonorrhea.
- Any others?
- Crabs.
Crabs. Right.
Crabs is slang
for pubic lice.
- All right. Anybody else?
- The green drip.
Green drip.
I think you're talking
about chlamydia.
Cool. More.
I think that
is every S.T.D.
I think
we got 'em, Fish.
So abstinence...
not having sex at all...
is the only way to completely prevent
the transmission of these diseases,
but if you do become
sexually active,
wearing a condom
can help reduce your risk.
Man, that's like wearing
a raincoat in the shower.
Watch it, Leon.
My brother says that condoms are for
people who are afraid to ride dirty.
Okay.
Well, right now these are
just names on the board.
Let's put a face
to these diseases.
Using condoms can keep this kind
of stuff from happening to you.
I'm not a rawdogger.
I don't wanna be.
So, who wants to learn
how to put on a condom?
That's what I thought.
All right, everybody come
up here and grab a banana...
or a cucumber
and a couple condoms.
# I got a thing on my mind #
# Sure 'nough gonna find it #
# I got a thing on my mind #
# Sure 'nough gonna find it #
# Don't let nobody tell me #
# My thing,
it won't come true #
# 'Cause I ain't lying down #
# Till I get my dues #
# I got a thing on my mind #
# I'm sure 'nough
gonna find it #
# I got a thing on my mind #
If I wanna go out
with a girl,
how many dates do I need to take
her out on before we have sex?
You're pretty young
to be having sex.
You can probably wait a
few years, and that's okay.
No, but I wanna
have sex.
I understand.
A lot of people do, but...
I mean, there's just...
there's really no rush.
I've been dating this girl,
Margarita, for a while,
and so far all I've
gotten are hand jobs.
Well, that's pretty advanced
for someone your age.
I hate hand jobs.
They're so rough.
Look, the bottom line is
that you shouldn't rush it.
It will happen
when the time is right.
Dude, I watch
this stuff on the Internet,
and it's like these guys
just start banging right away.
- What are you watching on the Internet?
- It's the one with the van.
It's called Bangbus.
These two guys go around and...
Tito, that kind of stuff
isn't real.
Girls just aren't gonna jump
in a van and have sex with you.
But it seems pretty real.
They go to places like the mall.
They look just like the mall.
Hey, let's talk
about this later.
Hey.
So, you know, you're officially
Tito's favorite teacher.
What?
Pilar, come on.
Yeah, it's true. He can't
stop talking about you at home.
He says you're the best
teacher he ever had.
Wow. Thanks.
You should come to our
house for dinner tonight.
Our mom
wants to meet you.
Cool. Yeah, I'd like that.
# Double-O-Soul #
# I dig rock-and-roll music #
# I can do
the twine and the jerk #
# I wear strictly
continental suits #
# And high-collared shirts #
# I've got
a reputation of being #
# Gentle but bold #
# And that's why they call me #
# Agent Double-O-Soul, baby ##
Hey.
Come on in, Mr. Cole.
Salsa ]
- Hello!
You are Tito's teacher, yes?
That's right. Yes.
Welcome.
Oh. Hi.
Oh! I brought some of this.
Some rum.
Let's have some rum
for the teacher.
Sure.
Hey, what are you doing?
You don't get rum.
He's the man
of the house and he knows it.
I say to him, "Honey, you don't even
know what it means to be a man. "
Now, maybe he has a little mustache,
but he's still a little boy.
You're right. Yeah, you
should listen to your mom.
Having a mustache doesn't mean
you got it all figured out.
That's right.
Salud.
Hey, where's Hector? Oh,
he's running a little late.
He'll be here.
Hector's your boyfriend?
Yeah. You'll like him.
Cool.
Since Hector is late,
I need you to help me with
dinner. Sure. Yeah. What can I do?
I need you
to stand right there.
I need you
to take the spices...
and rub into the pig.
Rub it hard,
Mr. Eddie.
All over the butt.
Inside. Go... Yeah, go all the way in.
Get right in there...
so it's tasty.
Like this?
Lighten up.
Have a drink.
Just a little piggy.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hey.
We're giving
dinner for you tonight.
S. Bueno, bueno.
Quiera rum?
Claro. Dale.
Aqu.
Hey, baby.
Oh. This is Eddie,
Tito's favorite teacher.
Oh, yeah.
The teacher.
Now a drink.
Salud.
Salud.
Nice to meet you.
And you.
Officially.
So, what do you do?
I'm actually a deejay.
- Oh, cool.
- Yeah.
You do a little of this
when you deejay?
No. Not like that.
Oh, your technique
is better than mine?
You have to be
more casual.
You're putting
too much effort into it.
It's way too white guy
right now.
I am a white guy. I'm just
doing the fist pump of my people.
I guess I'm being
too racist, huh?
I do wish you were a little
bit more open to my culture.
I'm sorry.
I'll be more sensitive.
So, what kind of stuff
do you play?
I play, like,
uh, reggaeton.
I actually don't know
what that is.
It's like Latino hip-hop. You know?
So, where do you deejay?
Um, clubs
around here mostly.
But I do a couple of shows
in Miami every year.
It's so much fun. You
should totally come out.
Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that.
Pilar, I need
some help in the kitchen.
Right.
Hey! Eddie!
Have a drink with me?
Huh?
Yeah, all right.
Okay. Yeah.
Preprate.
Okay. Vmonos.
Uno, dos, tres,
cuatro.
Hmm.
Dale.
Whew.
I was at the gym earlier
lifting weights.
That's why I was late.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, you got a nice physique.
Yeah, you work out?
Yeah, I do actually.
I like... I like to use
the ergometer.
Oh... The what?
The rowing machine.
The erg.
Oh. Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
I ne...
I never heard of it.
So, uh...
Listen, you, uh,
always come to your
students' homes for dinner?
No, this is actually
my first time.
Hmm. Yeah.
I don't know, man.
It seems...
It seems a little weird.
Well, Pilar invited me, and
I figured it would be cool.
Oh. Pilar invited you.
Mm-hmm. 'Cause I'm Tito's
favorite teacher, so...
That's interesting.
Maybe next time
don't come for dinner.
Maybe next time
say you're busy.
Yeah. Sorry.
Man, you don't know anything.
Have another one
with me.
Have another one with me.
You good?
Yeah.
It came out
so good tonight, Mom.
Thank you.
Try one.
He's not gonna do that. That's gross.
Eddie, I...
Don't. I wouldn't.
Is it good?
Nah, man,
it's disgusting.
Why eat it then?
Because, papi,
I eat what I want.
You know what?
I eat what I want too.
Papi.
What... I didn't actually
think that he would eat it.
He did eat it.
Are you okay?
Be a man. Come on.
Yeah. Yeah. Are you okay?
Yeah!
Oh!
Shit!
Listen, sweetie.
It ain't over.
I have to disagree
with you there.
I puked on a man before.
Puked right on the dick.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
Shit was salty.
Made me gag.
Wow.
You know what I did?
What?
I said, "Man, go wash your
dick off and let's do this. "
You didn't let it
stop you for a second.
It stopped me for a second because
I wanted him to wash his shit off,
but it didn't stop me.
Two tears in a bucket.
Fuck it. This is living.
You should be so lucky that you're
out there falling in love with women,
puking your guts out
for 'em and on 'em.
That's true.
It's courageous.
Would you wanna be with a woman that you
wouldn't drink half a handle of rum...
and eat an eyeball for?
I appreciate this. I really
do. But she has a boyfriend.
Man, fuck a boyfriend.
It always starts
before it stops.
I know. And she's...
she's beautiful.
But to her, I'm just her
brother's dorky teacher.
But you'll never know
if you don't go after it.
And a man
can't live that way...
you know, wondering
what life might be like.
You got to be mad for
something. Be crazy for it.
You got to wash the puke off
that dick and get into it.
Guys, this is J and Ally.
They're gonna help us
with our lesson today.
I like your hair, baby.
You look spicy.
Leon, remember, we're
trying to be more respectful.
I'm just saying, baby,
I like your spice.
I can get
involved with your business.
Cool it, you little shit. Oh.
Ooh!
Okay, okay, let's all calm down.
JT and Ally
are gonna help us learn...
how to respectfully communicate
with the opposite sex.
I like JT.
He looks strong.
Show me
your muscles.
- Oh!
- Ooh.
Abs, abs, abs,
abs, abs, abs, abs,
abs, abs!
This is no place for abs. Sorry.
Thank you.
We're gonna pair off.
Who wants to go first?
Do you wanna come over
and watch a movie?
Okay, Shelly, it sounds like
you're trying to booty-call me.
Is that what
you really want?
I like your shoes.
They're fly.
Make fun of me a little bit.
Don't just tell me how great I am.
Girl,
I like your skin.
Whoa. What is this,
Silence of the Lambs?
Shh.
If someone sends me
a snapshot of his dick,
do I have to send back
a picture of my "V"?
Whoa. What?
You're sexy.
Well, not only
was that not creative,
but you gave off
kind of a rapey vibe.
Is that what you're
trying to throw out there?
Those shoes are wack.
Your mom get them for you
at the mall?
Ooh!
Great. Great work.
I love what you did there.
Right now I think I'm just gonna try
and bang as many chicks as possible.
Yeah, that's not
a good idea.
I just don't think you should
be Snapchatting with anybody...
who sends you pictures
of their dick.
But I-I really like him.
You don't like the guy that sends
dick pics. You say no more dick pics.
Girls need
to stick together.
Don't let boys
come between you.
The only thing that they have
that you don't have is a penis,
and a penis is no reason
to be sad.
I don't know
if you've masturbated yet.
Honestly, we don't have
to talk about it,
but my advice to you:
Rub one out before any major
decision involving the opposite sex.
I wanna light some candles
and play R. Kelly...
and just
get emotional with you.
Oh, my goodness.
He says three dates
means he gets a blow job.
Ooh.
Tha-That's not accurate.
That's what he said.
You say...
You say no jobs.
There's no jobs.
There's no jobs in this area.
It's a jobless...
It's a job-free zone.
That's what you tell him.
No jobs.
Good God, man.
Wow. These kids
really do need you.
Man, they are operating on a
whole different sexual level.
I know, man.
This Snapchat thing...
Just... dicks, man.
Everybody's got a dick
on their phone.
You guys wanna go
get a drink?
I think I just need
to be alone right now.
Ah.
Never too good at that.
Hi.
Hey, Pilar.
I'm really sorry about the
whole thing the other night.
It's all right.
After we cleaned up all the
vomit, it was kind of funny.
Yeah, I've never seen someone throw up
on my mom, so it was kind of awesome.
Yeah, a little too much rum
for me, I think.
- How's Hector?
- He's a dickhead.
Tito, will you
give us a sec?
He's all right. We're
taking a break, actually.
He was being
a little possessive.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Hey, what are you doing
Thursday night?
There's this really cool bar
underneath my apartment.
They do this Afro-Cuban
jazz thing on Thursdays.
I don't know
if you'd want to come.
Sounds great.
All right.
It's a date then.
Yeah. I-I... I mean,
like, it's a drink.
Like an appointment.
Like it's in the books.
But I'll pay
for the tab though, so...
It's a date then.
Yeah.
Got drunk with the wife last
night and watched Modern Family.
Oh, that sounds nice. Love
the gay guys on that show.
So fucking awesome.
But you always wonder, you know, which
one's the top and which one's the bottom.
Yeah, they don't really
get into that on the show.
'Cause Cam... he's such a bitch,
you know,
so you figure, "Oh.
He'd probably be the bottom. "
But he's the big one, and
isn't the big one always on top?
'Cause of the whole
domination thing?
I've never really
thought about it.
Yeah. Me neither.
It's a mysterious world, the
whole gay-man thing. Yeah, it is.
But let's face it.
They kind of got it made
in the shade. You know?
I mean, any night of the week,
they can get laid.
Just go to some club
that's filled with hot dudes...
I mean, like good-looking,
ripped, totally, like, muscle guys,
and they can just bone down.
They-They have an app
for that, actually.
Imagine if we had that app.
It would be... It would be
a lot easier.
Yeah. Although slow down.
I mean, we're making
some major generalizations here.
I mean, it's not like
all gay men are sluts.
I know a lot, actually, that are
in very committed relationships...
Really serious, you know?
True commitment.
That's nice.
Yeah.
Love... Love doesn't care
about gender.
Well, I'd love to talk
about Modern Family all day,
but you know why you're here?
Just a progress report?
Little checkup?
No, man.
You really shat
on the wrong chest.
I'm sorry?
Reverend Hamilton
was in here the other day.
He's really pissed.
You're handing out condoms
in your class?
What are you teaching?
Just... general
adolescent health issues.
You mean sex ed.
Well, yeah.
Eddie, we don't teach sex ed
in this district.
That's a hot issue.
Reverend Hamilton petitioned it.
Keep it up
and he'll pull your program,
and you...
you'll be out a job.
These kids need to learn
about their bodies.
Half of them are already
experimenting sexually.
Look, Eddie, truth be told,
I don't give a shit what
you're teaching in your class.
Hamilton runs a recovery meeting
on Wednesdays at the school gym.
I suggest you go talk to
him and make your case.
Okay, I'll do that.
Wow. Big class today.
We told them
you were explaining stuff...
about sex.
Oh.
Well, unfortunately,
we can't do that today.
But I do have
some brain teasers,
so we're gonna do
some of that.
Not you, Leon.
I'm just grabbin' a pen.
Come on.
I can see you.
Hey, Tito, could I
talk to you outside for a second?
Okay.
So, um...
Your sister and I
are gonna go out on date.
Would that be okay with you?
Really? What are you guys gonna do?
I don't know.
I'm still figuring that out.
Question:
Do you get a boner
when you see my sister?
Or do you have a boner now
'cause you're thinking about her?
No.
Really?
Yeah. No boner right now.
See, with me
it's like right away.
All I have to do is think
about Margarita, and boom.
Well, I think that's 'cause you're
going through puberty right now. So...
I hope so man. Sometimes I'm
like a walking boner. You know?
It's why I can't
wear sweatpants anymore.
So...
Isn't it weird though?
I was like, why does everybody stop
wearing sweatpants in middle school?
And now I know why.
Very true.
So, you're okay with this?
Yeah, totally, man.
Cool. All right, thanks.
Um, let's get back to work.
Remember, one day at a time.
Reverend Hamilton.
Mr. Cole.
I-I recently washed it.
What can I do for you?
I was hoping that we could
discuss my after-school program.
See, here's the issue,
Mr. Cole.
I don't think that sex or anything
relating to it should be taught in school.
I understand why you feel that
way... I don't think you do.
Because I'm not just
some Bible thumper.
I don't think there's
anything wrong with sex.
Sex is a beautiful thing.
I love sex.
I make love to my wife
with great frequency.
That's great that you
have that in your marriage.
But sex is love,
and love is God.
And teaching sex
without God is wrong...
because you're
teaching a formula...
a mechanical exchange of fluids,
and if those children
see that as such,
they're gonna do it,
early and often.
Maybe you could come
and observe a class,
'cause I think
once you saw it in action,
you'd see that we approach
it with the respect...
and the sensitivity
that it deserves.
All right, Mr. Cole.
I'll give you that chance.
Great. Thank you.
Mmm! All right, he's in. Flip 'em.
Full fucking house!
Son of a bitch.
Hey!
How's it going?
Hey, how's the new place?
Dude.
Did you christen
the bed yet?
I got a date with her, man.
It's fuckin' happening. What?
Mm-hmm. Are your parents
gonna drive you to the mall?
Maybe on a second date you can
finger her in the movie theater.
I'm not in a rush, man.
I really like this girl.
I like your style, Ed.
Thank you.
No, I do.
I think it's a noble way
to look at the situation.
- Oh, here we go again. - Blow it out
your ass, Hank. Okay? This is important.
Check it out. When I'm laying
in bed with my wife, right,
and she's sleeping
and I'm watching her...
and the minute
that she opens her eyes...
And you sit on her face.
Good morning, Vietnam!
JT, I'm trying to have
a conversation here.
Stop.
What I'm trying to say is, the
minute that she opens her eyes,
it's true love.
And we get to fall in love over and
over again with each passing day.
Jimmy, show him the picture.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Take a good, long look at that
right there. That's natural.
Motherhood is a
beautiful thing. Isn't it?
- Oh, let me see that.
- You've seen this.
Holy... That's your wife?
Easy.
Are those real?
That's the mother of my child,
you asshole. Oh, I'm jealous.
We can take care of this
right now. Jimmy, calm down.
You show her tits to everyone in
town, so I can't say I blame the guy.
That's true.
Eddie? My office.
Your problem is that you think love and
super-hot nasty sex are mutually exclusive.
I love Ally, I do,
but that does not stop me...
from getting a hard-on and boning
that girl like a dime-store hooker.
I know, man. I get it. I'm
just playing this one my way.
Dude, fuck your way.
Your way is dropping $120
on prom night...
and ending up with yet
another case of blue balls.
The time has come.
The time has come
to turn those balls...
from a purplish navy
to a pale pink.
I get it, man. I do.
I want it.
I just want it
to be special.
And it will be special...
if you have these.
What are these?
The shit, my friend.
I had to order a whole
crate of 'em to get 'em.
They're from Canada.
They make you bigger,
they make you last longer...
and more importantly, they make
you come like a fucking donkey.
Fuckin' Canadians, man.
Take one of these bad boys. Without 'em
you'll probably last like 15 seconds.
And you want it
to be special, right?
Yeah.
Great.
And when you blast
like eight fuckin' ropes,
it's gonna be extra special.
Okay, guys, so yesterday
you wrote down your questions,
and today we're gonna read 'em
together and I'm gonna answer them.
And remember, there's nothing
to be embarrassed about.
There's no such thing
as a stupid question here.
So, Shelly, why don't you
pick one off the top...
and read it out loud.
I don't want to say
this question.
It's gross.
Okay, I'll read it. I'll decide
whether or not it's gross.
"Can a boy pee in a girl's
vagina when they're having sex?"
Yeah, I know it's funny,
but it's actually
a good question.
When a man has an erection,
the part of the urethra that connects
to the bladder gets pinched off.
So it's actually impossible
for a man to do that.
So, there you go.
Um, Leon.
Why don't you
do the next one.
Shelly, pass the box
back to Leon.
I don't think
I should say this question.
Leon, it's a science class.
There's no wrong questions here.
Okay.
The question is,
"What's a squirter?"
Okay. Okay. Um...
That is a, uh, slang term...
for when a female...
ejaculates during orgasm,
which we talked about,
so good question, basically.
Uh, next.
Can you get pregnant
the first time you have sex?
Yes, you can. If you are sexually
mature, you can get pregnant. Next.
Is there such a thing
as blue balls?
Can double penetration get you pregnant?
This is inappropriate.
Not a scientific question.
Not answering those.
"Can a minivan be a bang bus or
does it have to be full-sized van?"
Science.
We want science questions.
What does a vagina taste like?
Tito, that's not scientific.
Can a she-male
have sex with itself?
- Come on.
- I'm sorry, Reverend.
Does a tea bag feel good?
- Really?
- Does a tea bag taste good?
- Oh, this is ridiculous.
- Reverend.
Reverend, wait.
Reverend!
Reverend Hamilton.
Wait.
This class is a joke,
and you, sir,
are a joke of a teacher.
I will not support a question-and-answer
session by students...
my son included...
on oral sex.
These are their questions.
They need answers.
If I don't give them
the facts, who will? You?
You're indulging
these children, Mr. Cole.
You're encouraging
their worst instincts.
You had your chance.
All you've done is show me
that this cannot continue.
Does semen taste
like Chinese food?
Don't act like
you don't know.
I need a condom.
My girlfriend wants
to do it. She's ready.
Tito, you're
too young to have sex.
I think I'm gonna start missionary
to look into her eyes and all that.
But then it's all doggy style.
I'm gonna line that shit up.
Stop it. You gotta promise me
you're not going to do this.
Why?
'Cause you're not ready.
There's real emotions involved.
It-It's a real...
It's about teaching you so that
when you are ready, you'll be safe...
and that you'll
have respect for it.
That's bullshit.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
I'm still gonna do it,
so are you gonna give me
the condom or not?
You have really pretty eyes.
What color are they?
They're blue, but they have
a little green and yellow.
Nice.
Are you okay?
I'm sorry. I...
I've had a really rough day.
They're thinking
of canceling my class.
I've been teaching sex ed 'cause
I... I think they need to know it,
and... I gave out condoms
in class...
and this one parent
got really mad at me.
I can see why.
And I'm worried
about your brother.
Why are you worried
about my brother?
I think that he might try
and have sex tonight.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
How would you even know
he's gonna have sex?
'Cause he told me,
and he asked me for a condom.
And you gave it to him? Yeah.
What was I supposed to do?
I don't know. Maybe tell me,
his sister, so I could stop him.
And why are you giving out
condoms to your students?
That's really weird. If he
asks me and then I tell on him,
then the next time
maybe he won't ask,
and then he may try
and have sex without a condom.
Basta. Whatever. We need
to go back to my house now.
He's probably there with her
alone. My mom is out tonight.
Tito! Hey, guys.
- What are you doing?
- We were watching The Notebook.
Oh, bullshit. Margarita,
you need to leave.
Eddie, you should leave too.
Are you sure? I can stay.
You've done enough already.
What? What do you mean?
This is your fault.
You gave him a condom and
taught him how to use it.
If I hadn't given him a condom, he
might have tried to have sex without one.
- Dude, I could have pulled out.
- No, man, you can't do that.
It doesn't work.
Sometimes pulling out works.
No... What?
No, it doesn't work!
This is why we need sex ed.
Eddie.
I want you to leave.
Really?
Yes.
All right.
Yo! Where you goin', son?
So you think it's cool to go out
with another guy's girl, huh?
Hey, she's a grown woman.
She can do what she wants.
Shut the fuck up.
Who do you think you are?
I'm a grown man.
I can do what I want.
I don't think so.
Tonight you're gonna get fucked.
Who's gonna fuck me?
I am.
I'm gonna fuck you up.
# How long #
# Must I keep going on? #
You want some company
tonight?
Yeah, fuck it.
Yeah.
Got a headache.
Oh, no. The...
That's all right.
Never mind.
So, why don't you
tell me how you want it?
Normal, I guess. Um...
The-The... The standard.
How about I suck
your big cock first?
Yeah. Okay. Let me... Let
me put on a condom. A condom?
Yeah. Don't you know how easy it
is to get an S.T.D. from oral sex?
No. I had no idea.
Especially syphilis.
Fifteen percent of syphilis
transmissions happen through...
Oh, my God!
What is that?
Oh, shit.
Not again.
Oh, God.
Now you owe me an extra
hundred. That doesn't seem fair.
So, you get beat up, so you
decide to fuck a prostitute?
Yeah.
Except I didn't fuck her
'cause it wasn't a her.
It was a he, a guy...
the hooker.
Oh. Well, I retract
my earlier advice...
about you needing
to lower your standards.
You now need
to raise your standards.
I didn't know
it was a guy.
Sh... He was dressed like a girl, a
really pretty girl. Couldn't you just tell?
His hands were kind of rough.
What did you do
with his hands?
Fuckin' hell.
D...
You still got a boner, man.
You could hold up a bank
with that thing.
You took the load pills for a hooker?
What happened to what's-her-name?
We ended up tracking down her
little brother to cock-block him.
And then she kicked me out
because I gave him condoms.
That is a weird date.
I'm a virgin, JT.
I know.
Come on, nobody believes you
screwed that Canadian girl at camp.
You were too afraid
to talk to her.
There was a lot of tension.
Something could have happened.
Listen, Eddie,
it'll happen.
Everybody gets laid.
Your class is canceled until
I can hire somebody new.
These kids need this.
I like you, Eddie.
I really do.
But you shat the bed
on this one.
They're middle school students
having sex as we speak.
Uh...
Not right now, but...
I know, Eddie.
I know
they're out there fuckin',
but you're done.
Sorry. There's nothing
I can do about it.
You here for a bagel?
No, baby, I'm here for you.
Talk to me.
What's goin' on?
Where you been?
Well,
a few nights ago I got
the shit kicked out of me,
and then I paid $70
to almost fuck a dude.
A dude. With a dick.
And then I got fired.
Hot damn.
Do I have a faraway look
in my eyes?
Like something's
haunting me?
You look like
you've seen terrible things.
I need to have had sex
just once...
just to get that confidence.
Fool, you gotta stop looking at
life as a series of checklist items.
Stop thinking about
whether or not you've had sex...
and start thinking about what you need
to do to become the man you want to be.
The man you wanna be isn't
just someone who fucked a woman.
It's someone who knows what
he wants and goes after it.
Ask yourself,
"Who's the man I wanna be?"
Is he a bagel man?
No. He's a teacher.
You're damn straight he is.
Does he want to eat a butt?
No. No, he does not.
But he could if he wanted to,
because he knows what he wants.
Hey.
I just wanted to come by
and apologize.
Okay.
So, I'm sorry.
Fine.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I really don't.
I'm just trying
to do the right thing.
I get it.
I like you.
I really do.
We hardly know each
other, and you're Tito's teacher.
Yeah, but I wanna live in a
world where this can happen,
where a guy can pursue a woman
with grand gestures.
That's really sweet.
So here's my grand gesture.
What is that?
It's an oboe.
Oh.
It's a woodwind.
It's not really meant
to be played unaccompanied.
It's all right.
Um, it was beautiful.
Let's do something right now.
Why don't you show me someplace
you love in the city.
Okay.
Are there any alligators
in this river?
Come on.
I just need to know if I'm
gonna have to protect you.
Are you a big
alligator wrestler?
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Can't you tell?
These big muscles.
Come on. I'm gonna show
you my favorite spot.
Where'd you grow up?
Sarasota.
Do you miss it? It's still
kind of close. I can go back.
I mean high school.
Not really.
I do.
Had a bunch of friends.
I'm still friends
with all of them.
I mean, they didn't, like, shove
me into lockers or anything.
I wasn't that kid, but...
I bet you were a huge nerd.
Yeah. I was a nerd,
and it was awesome.
I want to take you out tonight
to my favorite club.
I'm not really
a big club guy.
Come on.
You'll like it.
Don't you want to see what you've been
missing out with all the cool kids?
Sure.
Okay.
Bobby!
Mwah. Look at you.
Turn around.
Hot damn, girl.
What's up?
Um, it's just the two of us.
Is that cool?
Look, you're good.
It's kind of crazy in there
right now so, uh, no dudes.
We can just go to the bar
by my apartment.
Is it okay if I just go in
and say hi to some friends?
I'll be quick.
She ain't coming back, man.
What?
Yeah, I've seen this a hundred times
before, man. Club's got her now.
Dude, we're on a date.
We just made out.
Oh, you just made out?
Yeah.
You just on a date?
I'm telling you, when that music gets in
your system like it's getting in her system...
Oh, my God, she is feeling it
in every part of her body, man.
It's the music.
It's not her.
Champagne, jewels, caviar,
fur coats...
I mean, people just
wearing fur coats for no reason.
There's some Stephen Hawking
shit going on in there, man.
It's like a wormhole.
The pull of the dance floor...
She can't help herself.
Sex. Can't forget about sex.
Okay?
I'm mad 'cause
I'm feeling it now, okay?
I would rather be in there, but
I'm outside with you right now.
So here's what I need you... Here's
what I need you to do for me, okay?
I need you to go home...
And this is your best bet.
Just go home, have a quick
beat-off, fall asleep, man.
I'll be right back.
Look who it is,
out with my girlfriend.
I don't want any trouble, man.
Yeah? Well, you got trouble.
Man, fuck off!
Am I gonna have
to kick your ass again,
you little fuckin' pussy?
I was just trying to keep
the peace. That's what I was doing.
I didn't have nothing to do with all
this, 'cause this is my operation.
The white dude, man, he came from
out of nowhere, man, like a hurricane,
Like, he tore someone. He fish-hooked
the motherfucker. The "Hispanish" dude.
If you don't know what that is, it's
when you take your hand like such...
and you rip it like a fish.
So if you ask me,
he won the fight for sure, man.
Yeah, right, he won the fight
due to a fishhook maneuver.
Dude, I don't think I can
get you off again, man.
Man, I am pulling all kind of
favors with my buddies in police,
but two times in two
weeks, that is a lot.
Well, I say
congratulations.
I sounds like
you're finally living.
I don't have a job and I
probably have an arrest record,
and Pilar ditched me.
I'll tell you what, honey.
Forget the woman. You need
to go and get your job back.
- He can't. This Reverend Hamilton guy.
- Oh, my God.
How is it I'm the only one in this
group who has some fucking balls?
You're right.
Those kids need me.
Without you, they're gonna learn
about sex from the Internet,
and the Internet
is a dark place.
Lemonparty?
Yeah, that's disgusting.
Bukkake? I mean...
The whole concept
of bukkake.
Girls are gonna think it's cool for a
bunch of weird guys in business suits...
- to just jerk off on their faces.
- Ew.
I don't think I need to tell you
guys that shit's inappropriate.
I'm gonna talk to Hamilton
after school tomorrow.
He's got an A.A meeting
that he leads there.
I am right there
with you, man.
I think I gotta
do this one myself.
Just take a seat up there.
- What are you doing here?
- My name's Eddie Cole.
- I'd like to share.
- This is a private meeting, Mr. Cole.
I need to share.
I'm gonna share, okay?
How many parents
we got in here?
Just answer me one question,
and then I'll go.
How many of you have discussed
sex with your children?
Please raise your hands.
Where do you think kids learn about
sex if not from you, their parents,
or me, a teacher?
They learn about it
from each other...
or from things
they've seen in movies...
or on the Internet,
with pornography.
They see images of men doing
strange and mean things to women.
Sometimes like four or five guys
and just one girl,
doing things
that are uncomfortable,
doing things that might cause
some sort of injury.
Girls learn that they should
expect men to treat them badly.
The truth is, maybe I'm not the right
person to be teaching this class.
I don't have
the teaching experience.
I don't even have
the sexual experience.
I'm actually a virgin.
So that's kind of nuts
that I'm teaching sex ed.
But this class is important.
It's the most important thing
that we can teach these kids.
Mr. Cole is
really important to us...
because he tells us
straight about sex.
Yeah, I used to think
it was normal and easy...
to meet women to have sex
with you if you had a big van.
I tried it, man. It's not.
Now we know that sex like
that just isn't normal.
And it's not even,
like, a good idea.
I mean, if you just go around having sex
with everybody, you're gonna get a disease.
And if you do that, you can get
coot checkers on your labia majora.
What we're trying to say is, there are things
about having sex and being a grown-up...
that are too weird
to talk to your dad about.
I love you, Dad, but I
can't ask you about butt sex.
I just can't,
but I can ask Mr. Cole,
and I know he'll give me
a real answer...
that if two adults mutually
agree that they wanna do anal,
they can do it, provided they use
sufficient lubrication and condoms.
How am I supposed to have that
conversation with my dad, the reverend?
We need Mr. Cole.
and his class makes me realize,
maybe it's okay if I'm one too.
Excuse me, Mr. Cole.
I'll catch up with you
in a second.
Hey, thanks for your support
in there.
I really... support you.
Just let me know if there's anything
else I can do to support you.
Any time.
Hey.
Hey, you.
Hey.
Congratulations.
Tito told me
about what happened.
Yeah, thanks.
He also told me what
you said in the classroom...
about you not having sex.
Is that true?
It is. Uh, I'm sorry. I
know that's kind of weird.
Stop.
What's goin' on?
What do you think?
I...
Yo! We're all waiting
for you down at The Hub.
One second, man.
I'll be right down.
Come on!
Hey, why don't we go down to the
bar, celebrate with everybody...
and then we can
come back up?
Come here.
I wanna be your first.
Dude, I'll be right down!
I don't need to do it
right this second.
We don't need to do it
just to do it.
Isn't that a good reason?
I'm not saying I don't
want to do it with you.
Just maybe right now
isn't the best time.
Why not?
Why don't we go down?
We can listen to some music.
You can meet my friends.
We could dance.
I, like,
really don't like that bar.
What? Really?
Yeah, I'm not into it.
Okay, well...
Why don't we...
fuck right now...
and go to this club
down the block after?
You know,
last time we went to a club,
I kind of got stuck outside.
I know. I know, but it'll
be different this time.
Yeah, but... Eddie, I'm...
I'm trying to make you cooler.
I'm not that uncool.
I know. I just... I...
Fuck it.
I don't get you.
I really don't.
You can stay a virgin.
I guess I think that's okay.
Fine.
Fuck.
Did I ruin that for you?
Feels like you need a
little bit of bourbon, baby.
On the rocks,
splash of soda?
Yeah.
So, where's your lovely?
She is lovely, isn't she?
She is.
I ended it.
I don't know
what's wrong with me.
It'll happen, Eddie.
You just have to be
ready for it when it does,
and then it'll be easy.
It'll all make perfect sense.
I'll tell you what.
What's that?
You're a man now.
Manhood isn't all wanting
a woman and not gettin' her.
It's having a woman and knowing
you don't feel the madness.
Yeah.
Ain't no shame in it.
More shame in living
and no love.
You're right.
Thanks.
Oh, man! Seventh
period, sex ed, Mr. Cole.
What's this honky motherfucker
gonna teach me about sex?
Whoa, hold up. You got
Mr. Cole for sex ed?
Son, Mr. Cole
is for real.
He's the realest
motherfucker that is.
# Long,
tall, lean lanky daddy #
# You look good to me #
# Hip-hop wheels
Then you vanish #
# Show me what you do to me #
# Fast-walkin',
sweet-talking daddy #
# You're really outta sight #
# Cool down smooth
with me, daddy #
# You make me feel all right #
# Agent Double-O Soul, baby #
# You're a real cool lover #
# Dr. Feelgood #
# Long, tall, lean
lanky daddy #
# He's my real swinging' daddy #
# Fast-walking',
sweet-talkin' daddy #
# Cool down smooth
with me, daddy #
# D-A-D-D-Y, daddy #
# Agent double-O soul, baby #
# You're a real cool lover #
# To a long, tall, lean
lanky daddy ##
Hi. I'm the new student teacher
from the American Teaching Corps.
Hi. Welcome.
It's kind of funny
because I'm actually Canadian.
Canadian?
So you came here to learn how to
teach health and human development.
Yes. I think sex ed
is really important.
Well, you came
to the right fuckin' place.
# Uhh! #
# Yeah #
# I'm talkin' to you, girl #
# Yeah #
# Only you #
# All right, now #
# Listen to me #
# If you want our love to last #
# Girl, forget about the past #
# What ya gonna do? #
# Uhh! #
# What ya gonna do? #
# Put your hang-ups down #
# If you want to be around #
We have kids coming
to this class...
and you think you're gonna have to
explain them anatomical or sexual things,
but they're more advanced
than I am with certain things.
'Cause of what?
The Internet.
Just with obscure
sexual positions.
I mean, I'd love to know
what the kids know.
I think it's against the law
to repeat something...
that a minor
tells you sexually,
but now that I've done my Internet
research to shore up my knowledge,
I feel like... I feel
like I've aged 10 years.
When I was a young man,
you would just hint to a girl
like, "Oh, I got a big dick. "
You'd imply it?
Yeah. But that's it.
Pants were tighter back then. You could
probably... Yeah, that's what guys did.
Or they would stuff, like, a shoe
in there or tin foil. Definitely.
Or a narrow shoe.
A narrow shoe?
Otherwise it looks like
you have a deformed thing.
You don't want
to scare 'em off.
Like a goiter or something.
There is a disorder.
It's... Oh, shoot.
I should know this
for my job.
But where one of the
components in the testicles...
swells to such a size that
you have to have it removed.
One of the components?
Like the vas deferens?
It might be the vas...
Or the Cowper's gland.
That's the one I always
pretend like I know, but...
I know that one. It's like the
prostate and the Cowper's adds...
I would look,
but my Google's down.
We gotta get
new textbooks.
The books that I have
are from 1983. I know.
They're still
calling AIDS GRID.
There's also...
It's embarrassing.
Okay. They're still saying
masturbation is wrong.
Even monkeys masturbate.
They do. Bonobos.
Yeah?
The apes.
Yeah? They use sex as... Like trade.
They'll trade sexual favors
within their bonombo colonies.
Yeah. They'll prostitute out people
to create peace between tribes.
They will.
Yeah.
Look at... I wouldn't
teach that in junior high.
That seems like a
higher-concept idea. No.
I'd like
more primatology too.
It's almost like grooming.
Like when they give cunnilingus
to another ape. Grooming?
Oh! Huh.
Yeah.
That's fascinating.
Yeah.
Speaking of grooming...
Mm-hmm?
You ever get crabs? I have
not. This... Interesting fact.
The crab is... or the pubic
louse... is endangered.
Good! Because of modern grooming habits.
Very few people have that...
In the videos that I found
of sex education...
with, like,
serious hair down there,
that's not really
the tendency these days.
Yeah. So the louse is going extinct.
That's good.
Like smallpox...
Have you gotten...
I never got 'em. No.
Good. I mean, I never looked,
but I'm assuming you'd know.
I would probably
feel something.