Oh, you, what a-
Don't you-
I got a good mind to drop these
dishes. You got a good mind?
It's 6:00 already, and the tomato's
still out there paradin' for the seagulls.
Puttin' dishes away
is her job.
Ain't it enough that I do
the cookin' and the cleanin'?
Every time I talk about
the tomato, you get busy.
The tomato's got a name!
Kotty! Everybody's got a name.
Yeah? Then how come you call me
Slob when my name's really Leo?
Because you look
like a slob.
Even when you're clean,
you look dirty.
That, to me, is not a Leo.
That is a slob.
Gee. Oh, that's funny.
Yeah, funny.
Very.
You're laughing me
into bankruptcy.
Why did you do it? Look
what he did! He's crazy!
You're not gonna get away with
it. You're gonna get me a new one!
I'm gonna get you nothin'!
All right. Lay off!
You do that again,
and I'll whack you good.
You raise a hand to her, I'll make
you eat it. I'd like to see that.
I was only havin' fun.
So am I!
I'm gonna
teach you a lesson.
Next time I'm in San Diego,
I'm goin' into the best store.
And I'm gonna get
the best petticoat.
And you're gonna pay for
it. You got a fat chance.
You wanna bet? I'll let
you in on a little secret.
I'm gonna take it out of your
salary. How do you like that?
I'll go to the labor
board. Well, I'm for that!
And when you're there, ask
'em to get you a new job!
Well, it's easy to see who you got eyes
for, huh? Too bad I wasn't born a tomato.
Too bad you were born,
period!
Hi, George.
Here, catch.
Oh, is this the one
about the seashells?
You'll find it interesting. Book
better have a lot of pictures in it.
I can read as good as you.
You can't do nothin' good.
Yeah?
Yeah!
What brought on this chain
reaction? Kotty's petticoat.
Look at what
Slob did to it.
What'd you do this for?
I don't know.
I- I just felt like it.
That's a stupid answer.
Figures. It's comin' from a
stupid place. Oh, you shut up!
What's everybody making such a big thing
for? You'd think the tomato was a queen.
As far as you're concerned,
she is.
You're looking for trouble,
I can give it to you.
Anything you start with Kotty,
you're gonna have to finish with me.
Now you go back
to your greasy griddle.
Well, I hope you're happy,
you troublemaker, you.
There's only one thing could make me
happy. I'll outlive you two to one.
Never mind the odds.
Buy her a new petticoat.
And behave yourself.
Who is it?
What do you want?
Oh, Sam, I thought it was-
Come on in.
How's my girl? Fine. Don't I look it?
You look just great. Slob's
gonna buy you a new petticoat.
If I told you what
he did to me on the beach-
I heard all about it out there.
No sense going through it again.
Slob's got an eight-cylinder
body and a two-cylinder mind.
You gotta consider the source. Good.
He's not gonna
bother you anymore.
Now let's talk about something
worthwhile. I'm all for that.
I think I know the first
two chapters by heart.
Well, you're really serious about
taking this civil service exam.
I don't want to be a
waitress all my life.
I want you
to be proud of me.
I am, and you don't have to be
anything but exactly what you are.
Just you wait until
I pass that examination.
Instead of coming to see me
in this broken-down beanery,
you'll-you'll walk into a great
big beautiful government building,
and I'll be sitting
behind a big desk doing-
Doing something important? Uh-huh.
Something important.
You know, the longer I know
you, the more you amaze me.
Will you tell me something?
Anything, Sam.
Anything.
What are the first Ten Amendments
to the Constitution called?
The Bill of Rights.
That's right.
What form of government
is this? The best!
That's a very good answer,
but it's not the right one.
This is a Republic.
Isn't that the best?
Sure is.
Sam, there's so much to learn.
Sometimes I feel I'll never make it.
Oh, you're doing real great.
Now tell me something else.
What?
Into what branches does the constitution
divide the governmental powers?
Judicial.
Legislative.
Executive.
Oh, I wish there
were more branches.
What's with you? You sore
'cause I'm the champion?
If you hadn't caught me with a
fully belly, I'd have killed you.
You want to
kill me now?
Yeah.
Be my pleasure.
All right. Come on. Come on.
Break it up. Come on!
Come on, guys. Break it
up, will ya? Get over here.
All right. Come on.
Let go, will ya?
Aw, George, we're just
havin' a little fun.
Will ya
- The world is full of people, and I got to wind up with two monsters!
These are nice, fat fish.
Sure, you know why?
They come
from Mexican waters.
You can't catch anything off
this coast. It's all fished out.
This ought to
take care of you.
Mr. Gregory happy with me?
Sure, sure.
Will you guys
cut out all that dishin'?
You get out of here and
let Slob finish his work.
You don't have to hit me in
the head. I can take a hint.
See you again, Slob. Let's you and
me get together on my night off.
Maybe we'll get us
a couple of hot dishes.
Yeah, I'm your boy.
You get 'em, I'll go.
Whatever you two could get,
they don't let out at night.
What were you guys
whispering about in here?
Oh, us? Nothin'. Oh, don't give
me that. I'm wise to you guys.
You're both trying to pull
a fast one- with the fish!
I don't have to
take no insults from you!
Tell him, boy.
Tell him good!
Will you shut your trap
and get outta here?
Ho, ho, ho.
If it wasn't so hard to
get a cook way out here,
- I'd have bounced your head out that front door long ago.
- Then we're even.
'Cause if I wasn't such a lousy cook, I
would've walked outta here a long time ago.
- Georgie!
- Hey, Eddie!
Welcome home!
Welcome home, my boy.
Hey, you look like a
million. How's the old ulcer?
Like a mother-in-law-
Naggin' me night and day.
Come on. Sit down. Tell us
how the world is treating you.
Ain't you gonna
ask me how I feel?
Why should he? The only thing
that'll kill you is time.
Hey, that reminds me. About
that watch you sold me-
I gave it to you wholesale.
What else do you want?
I want what it says in the guarantee
- If it's busted, you gotta give me a new one.
Dreamboat here
only reads the large print.
Yeah, Slob, that's right. All
them guarantees is the same.
The big print gives you everything.
The little print takes it away.
I don't care. You said it
didn't have to be winded.
I could leave it in water
overnight, and it wouldn't hurt.
That I did. Even an impartial jury
will agree that water is not soup,
especially hot onion soup.
When I examined your watch, it had
pepper, cheese and a piece of onion in it.
Furthermore, it looked to me as if it had
been cooked over a slow fire all night.
Why didn't you tell me you dropped it
in the soup? A man's entitled to privacy.
Not in my soup!
Will you do me a favor?
I don't want to be aggravated
before I eat. Now chop it!
If you think
you can get away with-
You heard what the man said.
Chop it. What'll you have, Ed?
I've had a taste for your hamburger in my
mouth all the way down from Pismo Beach.
What do you want
on it?
Everything.
Except your watch.
Big comic, huh?
A lotta things I could put on
that hamburger. You wouldn't!
Hey, Slob,
not even in a joke, huh?
One burger... comin' up.
Hey, it's my friend
the brain!
Eddie! How's
the number one salesman?
It's number three now. This
territory's getting a little tired.
How are you doin'?
Mmm.
Oh, I forgot. You can't talk about it.
But I'll bet you're still top man
in the cyclotron department, huh?
Number one in
the love department too.
Oh, that I know.
Tell me something new.
How's the chickie?
She's great, Eddie.
She's going to be happy to see you.
You're one of her favorite people.
Naturally. With my charm, why not, huh?
How do you feel? Oh, well, I
- I think I'm improving.
Too bad you can't stay around awhile.
I could recommend a good psychiatrist.
Aw, who heeds those headshrinkers?
You're good enough for me.
Every time I talk to you,
I feel like a new man.
Very flattering, Eddie,
but you need professional help.
Armchair psychology's
not enough.
Look, Professor, I got friends
who've been going for years.
They still eat birdseed.
So you're not a talking doctor.
Eddie's got confidence in you.
And it's very important to me.
I don't know. All I know is,
you tell me what to do,
and when I do it,
I feel better.
If you were to tell me to jump off a
building, I'd take off like a jet job.
You remember what you told me
about physical therapy? Look.
I even got a sports catalog. It's got all
the stuff George and I need for our vacation.
Acapulco,
here we come!
See, here's the flippers down
here... and the underwater masks.
Sure, it's got everything for skin
diving. Boy, these snorkels look good.
Where's the, uh, harpoons?
Sharp prongs.
Gruesome.
Even on paper, it makes me sick
when I think of the poor fish.
Eddie, there you go again. Now
why did I recommend skin diving?
I told you,
the fish are cold-blooded.
This I want to hear straight
from the fish's mouth.
All right,
I'll arrange a meeting.
You know, these elastic-driven
harpoons are effective,
but the ones with the carbon
didioxide have more power.
"For big game fish-
Rust-proof, non-slip handles. "
Yeah, but look at
that crazy price.
What do they think we skin
divers are? Millionaires?
Relax, George. I met a sporting goods
salesman. Sold him a watch wholesale.
In return, he's showing his
appreciation by giving me his cost.
Pick it up.
That's for you, Ed.
Eddie, baby! Chickie!
How's the livin' doll?
Gee, I've missed you. How long
you gonna stay this time?
Till I get some business.
Oh, don't you work too hard.
You're lookin' real good.
How do you like that? I own
the joint. I pay the salaries.
Nothin' like that
ever happens to me.
That's because
you don't sell jewelry.
You better be careful, Eddie. Kotty
must have her eye on something.
Chickie can have
anything I got. Wholesale.
You extravagant boy! Eat your
hamburger before it gets cold.
I gotta get going, Kotty. I'll
walk you out. Be right back.
Take your time. You will anyway. Put the
coffee on my tab, George. See you soon.
Don't worry. I'll be around for
some more of those free treatments.
Attaboy, Eddie. Bye, Slob!
Good night, Professor.
What do ya say, Kot?
Hi, Artie.
Hey, how's the doll?
Floating, Pepe.
Va, va, va, voom!
Hey, you guys,
cut it out!
What's the matter with you?
We were only lookin'.
Well, for your information,
this ain't no museum.
Really? Then how do you explain those
antique French doughnuts you serve?
Oh, very funny.
Hiya, fellas.
How's the chicken business?
It's for the birds.
What do you say, Slob? What could
he say that would be interesting?
Well, fellas,
what'll it be?
I'll have an Egyptian
dancing girl. Yeah, me too.
Sorry, they're out of season. But how about
cherry pie and coffee? As if I didn't know.
You talked us into it.
Getting any action?
Oh, business
has been lousy.
Last time the cash register
rang, I answered the phone.
You ever try serving decent
food? Sometimes it helps.
Oh, that's clever.
Oh! Ow!
What is it?
Well, what do you think it is?
Looks like the buckle
off a wristwatch band.
Oh, Slob,
did you lose this?
Where'd you find it?
Where you put it!
You need a witness?
We'll be glad to help.
Well, thanks. That's
very neighborly of you.
What is this? An automobile
accident or something?
Nobody get killed. I don't
see any stiffs laying around.
There will be. Just give him
time to digest his sandwich.
What do you do? You guys gain
weight from aggravatin' me?
What do you want
from my life?
You're sure a sorehead, George.
They're only ribbing you.
Hey, your boyfriend really sends
you. He must be quite a guy.
You have no idea. He's
wonderful and smart too.
I don't know how I rate a professor.
What's so great about that?
My sister's married
to a schoolteacher.
Look, my chicken-picking friend. Sam
doesn't teach "one and one is two. "
He's a scientist,
a nuclear physicist.
Boom!
He's a big, big man!
Aw, I'm not impressed.
If he's such a big wheel, why isn't he in
Los Alamos with the rest of the atom smashers?
You're a real dope.
Don't you know that little bunch of buildings
up the highway where Sam experiments...
is one of the most important
universities in the whole world?
That hunk of ivy?
What can he do there?
He's not allowed to tell
me. Mmm, what a stinker.
If you were my girl,
I'd tell you everything.
Hey, what are you doin'
tomorrow night?
You'll never know
because you won't be there!
Come on, Kot. Get a girl for me,
and we'll double-date.
Tomorrow's payday.
Cut it out!
Hey, give us a break.
We'll show you a good time.
Get your hands off her, or I'll belt
ya. You'll have to belt both of us.
Well, don't think I can't!
All right, you knock off.
You stay out of this, Ed. You've been
sick. What you guys wanna fight for?
Who wants to fight?
He started it.
You know what I think? I think
you're on the hook for Kotty.
I ain't interested
in what you think!
Now pick up your tabs and
haul carcass out of here!
Aw, now look. I'm sorry fellas.
I didn't mean to roust you.
Here. Next time
coffee's on me.
Make it a steak, and the
romance will be on again.
I ain't interested in a
honeymoon. Coffee or nothin'.
Okay, but for coffee don't
expect the full treatment.
So long, George.
Okay.
See ya.
So long.
What are you
thinkin' about?
Oh, just thinkin'.
Want to talk?
About what?
Yeah, I guess you're right.
What's there to talk about when a guy with
your sense of humor forgets how to laugh?
Will you
get off my back?
Oh, I
- I'm sorry, Ed. You're the last guy I should blast.
I'm the first. George,
ain't I your best friend?
Go ahead, blast.
Ah, what's the use?
It's all a bunch of slop.
You just finding that out? Life's 90%
walking through slop, to get to the roses.
I'll buy that, but when
do I get to smell 'em?
Oh, brother, you sure got a short
memory. How long ago was D-Day?
We have a lot to be grateful for. Did you
ever see two guys with more holes in 'em?
I still remember how choppy the
Channel looked through your chest.
Yeah. They never thought we'd make
it, did they? Yeah. We showed 'em.
You still think about
it? Only when I sleep.
Hey, George,
you know what I think?
Maybe you ought to sell this
place. Maybe it's too much for you.
Sell what I wanted all my life? Never!
Say, I've been all over
the world. It's nothing!
Look what I got here. I got
the mountains in my front yard.
The ocean in my backyard. The door's
open all the time for people to come in.
I'm the host,
and they pay me for it.
Nah, that's not
the trouble.
Kotty? I'm on the hook,
and I can't get off!
Artie was right. I thought
that was over a long time ago.
Oh, no,
it's worse than ever.
You poor guy.
You haven't got a chance,
and you know it.
Even if you were Cary Grant she
wouldn't give you a second look.
George, the whole thing's chemistry.
She's "A." The professor's "B."
You just
don't fit in the formula.
I know. A character like
me should know his place.
That's the way to talk.
The best thing for two guys like us to do is to
forget all about women and look for adventure.
Look who's talking about adventure.
You're scared of your own shadow!
That's not true.
Only thing that
- that still gets me is blood and violence.
Oh, now,
come on, relax.
It's gonna be just like the professor
said. You're gonna get rid of that phobia.
We're going down to Acapulco, have
plenty of adventure, excitement...
and you'll come
back a new man!
From your mouth
into my ego.
George, give me your hand. What're
you gonna do? Tell my fortune?
Eddie, give me yours.
Pepe's hand didn't feel like
yours. More like Eddie's.
It's funny, a truck driver
with soft hands.
I thought I heard a train go by.
Oh, it's you and them weights.
Come on. Pick up the
weights, will ya? Okay.
You're a little late
today, ain't ya? Yeah.
Hey, that looks great.
That's a beautiful-lookin'
set of muscles.
How many times have I told you
not to call 'em muscles?
You wanna sound like an
amateur? Call 'em pecs.
Well, what's the difference? Big
deal. The fact is you got 'em.
Yeah. Well, I'm gonna tell you, you'd
have 'em too if you'd only work out.
A couple of lifts
and you quit for the day.
I'm very happy
with my pecs.
We're closed!
We don't open till 6:00!
I don't know why
people don't eat at home.
Every time I eat out
I get sick.
You don't have to tell me
nothin' about restaurant food.
Hey listen, Slob. I ordered
another set of barbells.
You want to go halfies
with me? Don't I always?
Oh, that's great. It's Charlie
Strongtree's latest invention.
He says that
it develops the latissimus.
Yeah, we're both a little
weak in that department.
Yeah, he says two weeks of that, and
we'll be the envy of Muscle Beach.
Won't them tomatoes
go for us, huh?
Look. Hey, hey, I don't
go for no tomato!
I do this for myself.
You wouldn't believe it.
You know, Slob, at one time I was so skinny, I
was embarrassed to undress in front of myself?
I see what you mean. You know, there's one
thing. I don't go for those guys on Muscle Beach.
Their waists is so thin there's no
room for any food. Yeah, those idiots.
They're way over the top.
Who wants to go around walkin' in
a leopard skin all the time anyway?
Those guys
can't wear clothes.
I look pretty good
in a suit, though, don't I?
You look great.
Especially that
double-breasted brown job.
What about me?
Well, your clothes
don't do too much for you.
Hey.
Feel this!
That's pretty hard-
But not as hard as mine.
It's a matter of opinion. Hey, but you
won't argue about these legs. Get those.
What's wrong with mine?
Eh, they're soft, flabby.
If you did what I told you to
do, you'd have legs like mine.
Let's forget about the legs. I don't
care about them anyway. They don't show.
You know what I really want?
A big, thick neck!
I think you'd do better
concentratin' on the legs.
I don't know how you even get
around. I don't know how you walk.
Wouldn't you want
a set of legs like mine?
Oh, I go for your triceps and
your biceps. They look great.
But I wouldn't have your
legs if you'd give 'em to me.
Well, I ain't
givin' you nothin'.
You can go around on those pins
for the rest of your life.
There you go, gettin' sore again.
A guy can't be honest around here.
Hey, no! Kotty!
Don't look!
Okay. Now, Kot.
Kotty, we want you to do us a favor.
We want you to judge a contest.
We want you to decide who's got the
best-lookin' legs in this establishment.
And just 'cause he's the
boss, don't play favorites.
All right, which one of us
got the best?
In this establishment?
I have.
I got a sneakin' hunch she's
been usin' our barbells.
What's wrong, Kotty?
You unhappy?
I don't know.
I keep thinking crazy things.
One minute I'm up in the clouds,
then I get so low I could die.
Did you get bad news from
home? Oh, no, nothing like that.
Then what is it? Looks like my
girl's keeping secrets from me.
Me? That's funny.
You're the one.
What does that mean?
Skip it. I don't want
to talk about it.
That's not like you. You
always speak your mind.
Now come on. What is it?
What's wrong?
That's just
what I want to know.
Sam, you've changed. We used
to be together all the time.
Now I only see you
when you come to the shack.
And then you spend most of your time
talking to Slob and looking at shells!
Don't tell me
you're jealous of Slob.
If it weren't for him,
I never would have met you.
Nah, it's something else.
Come on. Tell me. What is it?
Sam, when is the last time
you took me to dinner?
- When did we last go dancing?
- I've been busy. You know that.
That's as good an excuse as any,
but I think I know the real reason.
You're ashamed to be seen
out in public with me.
It wouldn't be nice for a famous professor
whose picture's on the cover of a big magazine...
to be seen out
with a hash slinger!
What will people say?
Do you honestly believe that I
give a hang what strangers think?
You think I'm impressed because a magazine
decided to make a hero out of a scientist?
You know better than that.
Come on.
I'm just a lucky guy who's
got a job that he likes,
and because I like it, I spend
a great deal of time at it.
I'm not going to change my way
of life for you or anybody else.
I guess
I've been told.
I'm gonna continue to tell you just
so long as you act like a little girl.
Don't be
so emotional.
Why?
I'm not ashamed of it.
I am emotional. I am
jealous. And I want attention!
Like you, I have no intention of changing
my way of life to please you or anybody else!
As long as you're here, you
might as well have some coffee.
I've already poured it.
There's no sense wasting it.
Still angry with me?
'Course I am.
Well, I don't suppose there's
anything I can do about that.
That's right.
Absolutely nothing.
Hmm.
Well, you are so wrong.
That's George.
He's back from the market.
Well, go see him.
Hey, Professor!
I didn't know you was around.
Boy, did I have luck tonight.
Take a look.
Hmm.
Pretty good, huh?
The tide was low, and they
was layin' all over the place.
Oh, there's one
for my collection.
Looks like we'll do
some business tonight.
You'd better
get your money ready.
Hi, Professor. Slob,
go get the meat. Hi.
Be back in a minute, Professor. Uh-huh.
Hey, what's goin' on?
Time.
It moves like a maniac.
I'm closin' up.
You can't do that. The
professor and me, we got a deal.
If you wanna knock off, knock off.
I'll close up when we're through.
That's what I like
about free enterprise.
I got the enterprise, and everybody's
free to give me the business.
And don't forget to turn the
gas off under the onion soup.
Oh, sure, George.
Sure.
Come on. I'll walk you
home. Don't do me any favors.
Kotty.
Kotty!
Now what's wrong?
Nothing!
I just don't want to stand
between you and your shells.
You don't need a woman. You
should go steady with a clam!
I don't get it- a grown-up man
and you still play with seashells!
Now you listen to me.
When I get through at the end of the day,
my head feels like it's been in a vise.
These shells that you despise
are my therapy. They relax me!
If you were really concerned, you
wouldn't resent this inoffensive hobby.
Sam, you always have a way
of making me feel so small.
I- I could go right
through the floor.
I'm sorry.
Really I am.
Good night, darling.
Pleasant dreams.
Is it all here?
Every dollar.
Money, money, money.
That's all you think about.
What's your reward?
Gonna put George in the kitchen,
and put you on the cash register?
I ain't interested in money. All I
want is for people to look up to me.
Why? Because you make
a better hamburger?
What I am today has nothing to do with
the future. Hitler was a paperhanger.
Today, man makes
his own destiny.
Sometimes
your thinking surprises me.
Well, I gotta be honest, Professor.
I didn't think it up. I heard it.
What?
From Mr. Gregory?
When am I going to meet him? Well, I
guess when he feels the time's right.
You been telling me that
for over a year.
Obviously, Mr. Gregory's
not very impressed.
But he is. He told me so.
Well, he's never told me.
You know, he's missing out
on a pretty good bet.
There are lots of things that
can't be written down on paper.
How can I explain to you
the secret of a new element...
that may obsolete
the power of Hydrogen force?
There is such a thing? That's
part of a present project.
Do you know that
I can pick up the telephone...
and I can call the President
of these United States,
and he'll speak to me
as long as I want?
And your Mr. Gregory
has no time for me.
I thought all you
cared about was money.
But it ain't enough is it?
You want Mr. Gregory
to pat you on the back.
Well, if you dance with the gods
they can lead you into paradise.
You know, I like the way
you talk. I look up to you.
But you got one weakness.
The, um, tomato?
How can a big man like you get
mixed up with a nothin' like that?
Can't come here
just for these shells.
It's only a front?
What do you think?
Sure had me fooled.
You put on a good show.
It's not too difficult. She's
pretty attractive. They all are.
And they're all out
for what they can get.
You know what I'd like to do
to her? I'm not interested.
Well, I am. Who does she think she
is, treatin' me like I was dirt?
But I got ways of gettin'
even. And believe me, I will.
You forget that tomato!
It's gettin' kinda late.
I gotta get going.
See you later,
my friend.
Make it soon.
I told you never
to come here.
You're drunk.
That's right. Shh. People
are asleep. They'll hear you.
I want 'em to hear me. I
want everybody to wake up.
No, look. I've got some
money here. You can go away.
And there'll be plenty more
where this came from.
I don't want your money.
And I don't want any part of
you. Tell that to your Mr. Greg-
Shh! Stop! Be quiet! Cut it out.
Oh, Sam! I've been looking all over
for you. Shh, keep your voice down.
You-You don't understand.
You know, we're in trouble.
You're makin' somethin'
out of nothin'.
Professor Ronker disappears,
and you call that nothing?
You've got to stop using
that word "disappear. " Hmm?
Everybody knows that
he committed suicide.
I know how you feel. It
hurts a lot to lose a friend.
But you mustn't
blame yourself too much.
Ronker was sick
from working too much.
The mind is
a very funny thing.
All of a sudden
- Like that, he jumped off the boat.
That happens.
But there was nothing wrong
with his mind! I ought to know.
I just can't understand
what happened.
It just doesn't make any sense to me.
I went fishing with him so many times.
And the first time I rented your friend's
boat, he disappeared into thin air!
Do you think Perch had anything to do
with it? He's a poor, honest fisherman.
I don't know what to think.
All I know is, when I got up that
morning, I felt like I was drugged.
And-
And Max Ronker was gone.
Why didn't you tell this to the police? I
- I couldn't do that, Sam.
Th-There'd have been more
questions, further investigations.
It might have led to us
and-and what we're doing.
I- The worst
part of it is I-
I tried to believe that
Max Ronker'd killed himself.
I- I had to rationalize
my guilt,
but I'm not going to do it
anymore, Sam.
Look. Supposing he
didn't jump off the boat,
supposing he didn't kill
himself, where did he go?
What happened to him?
Sam, you don't really believe
that Max Ronker committed suicide?
Yes, I do. There is
no other explanation.
Well, I don't.
Eighteen months ago, Professor Gerhard
from Northern University vanished.
Then Ronker. Both men
working on the same project.
Both suicides. And not a
single trace of their bodies.
A coincidence? Oh, no, I-I
tell you. They're not dead.
You don't know what
you're talkin' about.
You liked the way I talked when I
tried to get Ronker to join us, eh?
Ronker laughed at me! He didn't want
any part of this legion of misfits.
But Mr. Gregory wanted
him... alive! Not dead.
What? And he made up
his mind to get him too.
And look, Sam. Sam.
They won't stop at anything.
They preach liberty
and practice slavery!
But we can pull out of this. We'll face
- We'll face the consequences.
We'll go to the
authorities. They'll help us.
Shh
- no, no, no, no! They're not the ones to fear. It's Slob!
It's Slob and his Mr. Gregory. Shh.
He's crazy. He doesn't know
what he's talkin' about.
Say, look. Look.
We're on the right road.
How can you justify treason?
I tell you he's crazy!
Come on, Claude.
Simmer down.
Sam, I-I don't
understand you.
With all the misery and bloodshed
that they've caused already,
you still believe
you're right?
Yes. And we've got to continue
to fight for that right.
Open your eyes, Sam.
Open your eyes.
We're helping the enemy,
don't you see?
Shh.
We're helpin' the enemy.
We've got to expose them
before it's too late.
We're traitors! We're traitors! Shh
- Cut it out.
Quiet! Look. Will you just get
ahold of yourself? It's gettin' late.
I'm gonna walk you home. We'll
discuss this in the morning.
It's better then. Everything
looks better in the morning.
Okay.
He's passed out.
Help me get him to his-
You killed him.
Did you want him
to go to the authorities?
He would.
I've seen too many like him.
No, there's nothing
to worry about.
You go on home, and old
Slob'll take care of everything.
You all right? Your
message sounded so urgent.
Why all the drama?
Sam, they told me downtown, before
I can work for the government...
I must swear loyalty
to the United States.
Why?
That why you had me rush
down here? Answer me.
You can't be serious. I've never
been more serious in all my life.
Why must I swear
allegiance?
Well-
For one thing,
when our government hires somebody,
they guarantee them equality.
The shape of your nose
and the color of your skin...
has no bearing
on your success or failure.
Every individual
is entitled to promotion...
based on
an unbiased examination.
Then, when the job is over,
there's more security
in the form of a pension.
Loyalty doesn't seem to be very much
to give in exchange for that, does it?
That answer your question?
Sam, you're real smart.
You know all the answers.
But I'm getting smart too.
I'm learning all the time.
Last night I added a new word
to my vocabulary-
traitor.
"Traitor.
"One who violates his allegiance
and betrays his country.
"One who delivers his country
to an enemy.
One who aids an enemy
to conquer his country. "
Last night I heard
you and Slob and Dillon-
I heard Dillon beg you to stop what you
were doing. He said you were traitors.
And all you did was stand
there and soft-soap him.
I wanted to listen to more,
but I couldn't.
I was so ashamed I shut
the door and got sick.
Dillon was drunk. He didn't
know what he was saying.
Was Slob drunk?
You said anything to Slob?
Not yet, but I intend to.
You keep away from Slob.
He mustn't know that
you saw us last night.
Not a word. Not a look.
Promise me.
Then it's more than shells
with Slob, isn't it?
How could you get mixed up
with that garbage pail?
That's no concern of yours.
Everything you do
concerns me.
Not this. Understand me?
Not this.
Sam, you're my heart,
but I'd cut you out
if you were a traitor.
Are you?
Get out.
Listen to me. If you say one word
of this to anybody I'll kill you.
So help me, I'll kill you.
Get out. Get out of my
life so I can bury you.
Hey, you look bushed.
What's the matter,
you sore at me or somethin'?
Leave me alone.
I'm just tired.
What a night.
Those maniacs out there will eat
anything that don't eat them first.
I'll say.
Look at my hands.
They've been in the water so much today
they look like a couple of pink prunes.
Look at those wrinkles. Tonight
I can't feel sorry for anybody.
Will I be glad to get to
bed. You know, it's a shame.
They shouldn't let women
beat their brains out.
You know what I think women
ought to do?
If you think of it, it must be
gruesome. Hey, you got me all wrong.
I got feelings, and I got
respect where it's due.
Hey, you smell good.
What is it?
Soap and water. Well,
that's better than perfume.
Perfume is like a tent
on a beautiful woman.
I used to know a girl once
that smelled like you.
Boy, was I crazy about her. You couldn't
be crazy about anybody but yourself.
Why are you so mean to me?
You never give me a chance.
Well, I like that.
You make my life miserable.
You pick on me.
You're always pawing me.
You want to know why I'm
mean. I guess you're right.
But from now on, you ain't gettin'
nothin' but respect, I swear.
But you got to treat me
human. A little late for that.
But if you mean it-
Didn't I swear?
Let's shake on it.
Why couldn't you have
been like this before?
Things would've been
so much nicer.
Isn't it better when
people are friends? Sure.
But where do you find 'em?
How many friends you suppose
a guy has in a lifetime?
If he's got one, he's lucky. Well, you've got one now
- me.
Hey, I had you
pegged all wrong.
You know what? Next payday I'm going
to buy you something real fancy.
And maybe we can go out and get dinner
or catch a show or somethin', huh?
Sure, that's okay by me.
Especially now that I'm not
going steady with the Professor.
You're kiddin'.
When'd all this happen?
The other night.
I just couldn't take any more
of his selfishness.
That guy only thinks of himself
and what he wants to do.
Too bad he wasn't
more like you.
You know, girls like
to be treated nice.
All that guy thinks of
is seashells.
Yeah. When I first met the Professor,
I thought he was off his rocker.
How did you meet him? On the beach.
It was before you came to work here.
He was lookin' for shells
and we got to gabbin'.
Then I made
a deal with him.
I've made a nice few bucks
off of him. I'm glad you did.
I would have done the same thing
if I weren't such a dope.
He taught me one thing-
People can influence you.
All it takes is somebody who's got just
a little more brains than you've got-
They can twist you around,
and the first thing you know,
you're doing things you
never dreamed of. Like what?
Mmm, like my taking
the civil service exam.
Didn't he ever try to get you to
do something you didn't want to do?
No. We just talk
about shells.
I don't think
the professor's my type.
But let's not talk about
him. Let's talk about us.
Okay, Slob, lay off.
I thought you said
we was gonna be pals.
What's a little kiss
between friends?
I mean it, Slob.
Take your hands off me.
Oh, you're hopeless.
Gosh,
you'll never change.
You, uh, like my cooking?
Not bad.
You like me?
Like I like garbage.
Boy, you sure
change your mind quick.
Since when was you so choosy?
I'm a man, ain't I? Who told you?
Call again.
What do you want to do, make me
fat? I want to make you happy.
Say, I haven't seen the Professor
around lately. Is he sick?
Hey, what's the matter?
Have a beef?
About what?
I don't want to talk about
it. It's all over between us.
If that brain-basket did anything
to hurt you, I'll bust him in half.
Aw, look, honey,
I know how you feel,
but maybe it's better
this way.
People like you and me are...
just like bugs under a microscope,
as far as he's concerned.
Once the experiment's over-
Pfft.
Down the drain we go.
That's not true, George.
I- I told him I never
wanted to see him again.
Say, you're smarter
than I thought.
Oh, George, I-
I feel so bad.
Oh, now, honey,
there's only one thing to do.
Got to get yourself
another boy.
Now, uh, I can't do the mambo,
but you find an old-fashioned
waltz and I'll surprise you.
You're so good.
Everything you are is right on
your face. What've I got to hide?
That I love you?
I'd put a neon sign on top of this
shack so everybody on 101 would know.
Better still, I'd back it up
with a marriage license.
Oh, I'm not too old.
Got a little money.
I'm not Mister America,
but my mother loves me,
That's the trouble, George.
I love you
like your mother does.
There's nothing wrong
with you, George. It's me.
I can't tell my heart
who to love.
But if you want me
to marry you, I will.
I'd do anything
for you, George.
You'd marry me, huh?
Aw, baby,
I'm not one of those dopes...
who buys his cold wife
a mink coat...
and then sits around
waiting for her to warm up.
It's got to be electricity
in the beginning.
No sparks,
no fun.
No fun.
Georgie! How's my boy? And
what's with the Chickie? Eddie!
Oh, wait'll you see what I
got here. I bet I can guess.
It's something that's dry
that's gonna get wet.
Is he smart.
Oh, a regular Mr. X-Ray.
Bring anything for me?
Sure. For you I got my love.
You've got to stop
being so generous.
When it comes to love,
I'm a philanthropist.
He's like a living gas station
- He gives away air.
Oh, Acapulco,
here we come.
Ain't those things great? You
know, I don't care what they cost.
How much? Aw, that salesman
- You know what he did?
He laid in an extra 10%.
Yeah?
Well, I hope he spends it
on penicillin.
You know, these things
are very tricky.
You got to really know
how to use 'em.
You know?
Yeah.
Watch me.
Must be
cheap rubber.
Come here.
All right, come on. I
can take care of myself.
What are you
starin' at?
What do you do with these?
Oh, here, I'll show you.
All you two need
is a flying saucer.
Hey, wait a minute.
Here, Eddie.
Ugh! Here. Not me.
Hey, what a beaut.
Look at that spear.
Boy, I'll bet this thing could
go right through the building.
Boom. Hey, read the instructions.
Blue to one. Blue to one.
How does it look out front?
One to blue. I've got a
clear shot from up here.
Slob is at the far end
of the dining room. Over.
Blue to one. Got you.
Continuing here.
With all the other blanks
we've drawn,
I felt sure the bug or
the phone in the booth...
would have given the
department some kind of a lead.
Well, the point of contact between
Slob and Mr. Gregory has got to be here.
At the bottom of the ocean
it's kill or be killed.
Remember, we're invading the
kingdom of the sea monsters.
And we're looking for
the pappy of them all-
Old Poncho,
the Mexican Terror.
There is a legend that Old
Poncho once tasted human blood...
and loves it.
Hey, George, I-let's take a loss
and buy two fishing poles, huh?
Catch Old Poncho on a
pole? He'd never go for it.
Come on, we're goin' below.
What's wrong with stayin' on top?
That's for cornballs.
This is the new world.
If this is the new world, I'm going
in the kitchen and take my life.
Well, that's very decent
of you, Slob. Be my guest.
One to blue.
One to blue.
He's started
for the kitchen.
Blue to one. Got you.
One to blue.
One to blue.
Over. Over.
Peace on earth.
Relax.
Looks like he's staying put.
Think you'll be much longer?
We'll hurry.
Boy, you're goin' to pop at that
ever-lovin', warm Mexican water.
But there's no air down
there. A man could drown.
You're better off than a fish
with these snorkels.
I don't want to spoil your fun,
but I just can't get in the mood.
I'll get you in the mood.
Watch.
See?
It's as simple as that.
It's even simpler.
You just float around
without a worry in the world.
No beefs, no noise.
It's just lousy
with quiet.
Hey, I like that.
Whew. Do you think this
could be Mr. Gregory?
If that's Mr. Gregory,
I'm taking him single-handed.
There ain't a fish at
the bottom of the ocean...
ain't got more brains than
both of 'em put together.
It hurts me to agree with
you, but I think you're right.
Hey! There's Old Poncho.
Look at him go.
Four to one Poncho
gets him first.
- You couldn't even get
a pigeon to take that bet.
My clothes!
My clothes.
I'd better get them off
the line before they get wet.
Hey! There's Old Poncho. What a fish.
He's all yours. Take it.
I can't, George. Honest, I'm gettin'
sick already. What are you scared of?
It's just a broken-down old fish.
It'll go off. I can't touch it.
It'll go off?
How can it go off?
Look, it's got a safety on
it, see? Why, it's as safe as-
What are you, a lifeguard or somethin'?
Get a broom
and clean this mess up.
You get to do all the fishin' and
I gotta do the dirty work, huh?
What do you think I hired you
for, your fancy French cookin'?
Hey, Georgie, are you
hurt? Only my dignity.
Come on.
Turn it over.
That's right.
Get the pole
outta there.
Well, get it
outta there.
Hi, George.
Hi.
All right, come on.
Grab it-
I can do it.
Let go, will ya?
Man, where did you get
those crazy sport shoes?
Hey, Slob, so you won't
have to make two trips,
take these boxes
and paper with you.
It's a good thing I ain't wired. You'd be
shovin' me around like a vacuum cleaner.
Hey, Kotty, this harpoon works
like a million bucks. Boom!
You should have seen
George nail Old Poncho.
How about a drink?
Don't bend my arm.
It looks like the wolves
want meat tonight.
Two burgers, fully dressed.
Got you.
Hey, look at this.
"Claude Dillon, university
maintenance engineer, murdered.
"Mr. Dillon's mysterious
disappearance a week ago was solved...
when his body was found
in the bay this morning. "
Let me see that.
Hey, I know
that face.
He used to come in here
all the time.
"An autopsy disclosed a knife
wound in the victim's back. "
You remember him, honey. He used to
eat that banana cream pie all the time.
Boy, I'll bet there'll be excitement
up at the university tonight.
And he wasn't killed for his money. A
wallet with 60 bucks was found on him.
A knife in the back. What a
lousy way to go. Yeah, I'll say.
I'll bet he didn't have a
chance. What's all the noise for?
Look what happened
to one of my customers.
- Who's that?
- Professor Dillon, from up the university.
- He got murdered.
- You knew Mr. Dillon.
Me? I never knew him.
Sure, you did. He used to come in
here with the Professor all the time.
Maybe. I must've missed him.
Hey, those burgers are burning.
I wonder why anybody'd
want to kill anybody.
Crazy world like this,
you gotta have a reason?
Hey, it's Tuesday already. You
want to go to market with me?
Sure. Wait a minute.
Where'll I leave my car?
Leave it here.
I'll bring you back.
Pick 'em up. Hey, Kotty,
you wanna go along?
Maybe we'll see an all-night
show. Slob can close up early.
I don't think so. I feel
like I'm catching a cold.
Well, if it ain't Moby
Dick. Where've you been?
My truck broke down.
All right, you're five minutes down
the road. The fish could have walked.
How long they been
in this basket?
What difference does it make?
Everything you serve is dead anyway.
Yeah-
Hey, your chicken truck
is blockin' the entrance.
I had to walk all the way
around in the mud.
So what? Nothing can hurt your canoes.
"All men are created equal. "
If Lincoln ever got a look at
Perch, he never would've said that.
George, will you quit burning?
You ought to be glad it's rainin'.
Why? Am I sellin'
umbrellas or somethin'?
Did you read
the evening papers?
No. Why?
They found Dillon.
I told you to weigh
him down good. I did.
I put those wires and that
lead around him real tight.
He was so heavy I could hardly
lift him when I dumped him.
You must've done a sloppy job.
Otherwise he wouldn't have come up.
I know my business.
You know nothin'.
I'm tellin' you, I don't
like it. Now get out.
Hey, Ed- Catch.
You owe me eight even.
I'll pay you next time.
What's wrong with now? Look, if
you can be late, I can be late.
I hope you get fat
on the interest.
That Abe Lincoln-
What's the matter?
You don't look so good.
Take a drink and go
to bed, honey.
I will. You take care of yourself.
Next time we come, I want to see rosy
cheeks and a pretty smile on your face.
All kidding aside, we take
a genuine interest in you.
You take an interest in a
lot of things around here.
What do you mean
by that crack?
You figure it out. Lay off.
Can't you see she don't feel good?
Let's blow. So long. See
you all around next time.
See ya.
Take it easy.
No fever. Maybe it's your stomach.
I tell you what. I'll bring
you back somethin'. Knock off.
Slob, you can start closin'
up anytime now. Sure.
I guess you'll be asleep when we
get back. Hope you feel better.
I'll be all right.
Good-bye, Eddie.
Good night, Chickie.
You and that loud music.
What's the matter, couldn't
you hear what I said?
Look, the only thing I want to hear
is the rattle of them dirty dishes.
Now get in the kitchen
so I can finish up.
Isn't it terrible
about Mr. Dillon?
He was such a nice guy.
Every time a guy's dead,
everybody says he's nice.
Was he bad
when he was alive?
How would I know? You're
a liar. You knew Dillon.
Maybe I knew him, but I don't
remember him. Quit acting.
What's eatin' you?
You'll find out.
You crazy? Not as crazy
as you and your pals-
Truck drivers with soft hands
sneaking around, meeting in your room.
Oh, don't give me
that innocent look.
I saw them crawling out of your room
tonight when I took my clothes off the line.
Artie, Pepe,
in my room, tonight?
Why don't you
phone the police?
You should, if there's
been a robbery.
But I'll bet
nothing's missing-
except a man's life.
The bear that walks
like a man.
I know all about you-
the Professor, Artie,
your secret meetings-
United Seafood.
We're closed.
Slob?
What's the matter?
Don't ask any questions. Get the
boat ready. How soon can you get here?
I've got to refuel.
It'll take a little time.
Put enough gas in
to get us to Mexican waters.
Was it that bad?
Bad enough.
You know those two truck drivers
from Acme Poultry?
The Tomato saw 'em tonight
sneakin' out of my room.
- I don't get it.
- There's nothing to get. They must be federal men.
Federal men? What was the
Professor doing with them?
The Professor? Sam Bastion?
Yeah. I was making my last delivery.
As I passed the gas station down at
the fork I saw them gabbin' together.
- You think that- - Don't think,
just get here as fast as you can.
Anchor off the beach,
and sound your foghorn twice.
Then run your dinghy up on
the shore. I'll be waiting.
Get out.
Get out of my room.
The Tomato knows
all about me, huh?
Out. Get out,
garbage pail.
That's not what I want to hear. You've got
a big mouth. Now start usin' it, Tomato.
Come on, I'm waiting.
Wait till George gets back.
Wait till I tell him what
you're using his shack for.
He'll chop you up to
- That's not what I want to hear.
Come on, talk.
You don't wanna talk, huh?
Think I'm foolin'
with you, huh?
See what a nice guy I am? I
gave you a chance to get away.
I gave you two chances, but I'm
not going to give you any more.
Now, come on, talk.
I'm not a patient man!
What do you know? I know
you're going to hang.
And I know I'm going to
laugh the day I read about it.
Go on. Where did you
get your information?
What did the Professor
tell you?
Oh, geez!
You think
I'm foolin' with you?
When I say talk, I mean talk. Come on.
Thought we were
gonna be pals, huh?
That's the way
you talk to me.
Open up!
Open up!
Open up!
Open up!
Why'd you close up so
early? George's orders.
Boy, I thought I'd never make
it. Had to come the inland route.
Radio said
it was a flash flood.
Highway to San Diego
is blocked off.
There are two
mountain slides on 101.
Where's Kotty? She went
to the market with George.
Good. They're not gonna be back for
a while, if they get back at all.
Whew.
Well, we're not going to
need this or the shells.
The money?
Sure.
And I got a surprise
for you.
How would you like
to meet Mr. Gregory?
When?
Tonight.
Off the coast of Ensenada. I
rented the boat to take us there.
I'm disappointed,
Professor.
You don't act the way
I thought you would.
Don't be ridiculous. It's just
that you should have let me know.
I've got a faculty meeting tomorrow.
I could have canceled it, had I known.
Well, everything happened so fast
I didn't have a chance to call.
But, uh, we can make it
some other time.
Mr. Gregory will understand.
No. No.
I'll, uh-
I'll call my houseboy,
and tell him to phone the
university in the morning,
and tell them that I'm sick. Yeah.
Why don't you do that?
What kind of a uniform
does your houseboy wear?
I'll bet he carries
a gold-plated badge.
Did you really think
I'd let you make that call?
I surprised you, huh?
You surprised me too.
I never figured you.
If you'd been
a flag-waver or a big doer-
But playing the part
of a mercenary-
In the future I'll watch out
for your kind.
I still owe you one belt on account
of the one you gave me for the Tomato.
Then I had to take it. It
was part of the game. But now-
I hated to do it,
Professor-
Especially since the Tomato
- The Tomato told me about Artie and Pepe.
That's how
I found out about you.
You knew they were from Intelligence,
but you wouldn't tell me.
Artie and Pepe
from Intelligence?
You're not with Slob?
I'd rather be dead.
That's what Professors
Ronker and Gerhard said.
But they changed their minds under
a little pressure, and so will you.
You'll work together.
And now, Tomato,
I'm gonna get even with you.
You're coming along
with us,
and somewhere
in the waters of Mexico...
I'm going to feed you
to Old Poncho.
I don't want to kill you, because I know
how important you are to Mr. Gregory.
Still, if you force me-
Hey, Slob,
you gone crazy?
Well, come on,
give me the gun.
Well, give it to me,
come on.
Slob.
It's me- George.
He's not Slob.
Are you?
You're Mr. Gregory.
I see no harm in admitting it,
now that we're on our way.
Hey, Slob, have you lost
all your buttons?
No, George, he's got
all four feet on the ground.
Can't you see what's happened?
The apes have taken over.
While we were busy watching
television and filling our freezers,
they've come out
of the jungle and moved in.
And what's worse is, they've
begun to dress like us...
and pretend to think
like us.
We're just where we were
in the beginning-
The animals have
begun to hunt man.
They are all apes,
every last one of them.
But you're so desperate
for security...
that you'll take any promise
that vaguely resembles it.
Oh, I don't blame you for
looking down at the apes,
but you overlook
one important factor-
- Their leaders are not apes.
- Don't look now, but a foreign government...
has just invaded our country,
and this is the beachhead.
What have we ever done to you? Why
do you want to change our lives?
You've got your own place-
Build it up, tear it down.
If you want to eat each other, eat each other
- Just leave us alone.
Your lives are in jeopardy,
and you stand there arguing.
George, get in there
and close the door.
And don't try anything or I'll
blow the Tomato's head off.
Get over to the counter.
Move.
I thought I told you to
get the police. Your arm.
Forget the arm.
Go get the police.
Where? It's two miles
to the nearest phone.
No cars on the road. Take
me an hour to walk there.
- Your arm.
- George, get in here.
Those are the breaks.
Eddie begged me to stay
at a motel with him tonight,
wait till the storm was
over, but I wouldn't listen.
Here I am bleedin' like a stuck
pig, and he's sleepin' like a baby.
What a lousy break.
That's not a lousy break.
That's destiny.
Man makes his own destiny,
doesn't he, Professor?
I'll make a deal with you.
You leave Kotty and George here,
I'll go along and make no trouble.
Don't make any deals
with that garbage pail.
I'd like to accommodate you, Professor,
but unfortunately they know who I am.
They'll have to come
along. Where we goin'?
On a one-way cruise to
Mexican waters. You dumpin' us?
That's exactly what he plans
to do. How do you like that?
I was figuring
on gettin' Old Poncho.
It looks like Old Poncho's gonna get me.
There's one
consolation, George-
Eddie can even
an old score for you.
All he'd have to do
is get ahold of himself,
put his hand on that harpoon
and shoot... someday.
Not that physical coward.
No, your harpoon
would have no use.
That's a man's weapon.
You're crazy.
You think Eddie's chicken, but he's
got more guts than you'll ever have.
That's right, Kotty. Remember
he was tellin' about D-Day?
Omaha Beach was just runnin' in blood and Eddie
waded through all of it, just to get to me.
I wouldn't be here now
if it wasn't for him.
That took guts. Aw, don't
waste your breath, George.
Gregory doesn't understand
your relationship with Eddie.
Where he comes from,
they annihilate their friends.
He doesn't believe That Eddie would die for you
- kill for you, if necessary.
Yes, even kill for you.
Hold it.
They know about us.
They know.
Now!
You got 'im, Eddie.
You got 'im!
You missed Old Poncho,
but you got Old Slob-o.
My first fish,
and it had to be a man.
George,
I'm going to be sick.
So all the time the Professor
was only playing a game.
That's right.
With me, too?
In the beginning, yes.
But you had too much
ammunition for me.