Mom, who's the naked clown
in our bathroom?
What?
What is it, honey?
- What the hell you doing, kid?
- I had to go to the bathroom.
On my head?
Hey, buddy, this is my bathroom,
not your bedroom, you big drunken mess.
Billy!
Come on, sweetheart. Come on.
Let's give your mother's new boyfriend
a chance to collect his thoughts.
Ooh, boy.
What a morning.
Hey, kid, I'm sorry I went and freaked
out on you like that in the bathroom.
It's okay.
Would you like to see
a magic trick?
No.
Yeah, me neither.
Here.
Why don't you go out and buy yourself
something real nice, huh?
Thanks, Elvis.
This'll go a long way in the toy store.
- That's a cute kid you got there.
- Thanks.
Is that clock right?
Yeah.
Oh, shit!
Well, what's wrong?
I was supposed to be
at a birthday party.
Can I help you?
Last night when I got here,
I had a wig.
This one?
You got others?
No. You're my first clown.
Will I ever see you again?
Maybe.
What's your name?
Shakes. Shakes the clown.
Oh, my head!
Goddamn it!
What a fiesta we are having on
the "Palukaville Morning Zoo" here...
on K.L.A.R. D.
That's K-LARD.
- I'm Larry Loud.
- And I'm Barry Obnoxious.
And we're Loud and Obnoxious.
Oh, boy, what a weekend I had.
I went to my psychiatrist
and I went in and said...
"I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm a teepee. I'm a wigwam."
He said, "Your problem is
you're two tents. "
Well, okay. Let's go directly
to the telephones here.
You're on "The Morning Zoo."
How are you?
- I'm fine. Who is this?
- Barry Obnoxious on "The Morning Zoo."
Do you listen to K-LARD?
No, I don't listen to you.
Goddamn it!
I'm an invalid!
I had to come down 14 stairs.
Too bad you had to get out of your sick
bed, but this is "The Morning Zoo."
I think it's something important,
I don't know who it is.
Some asshole on a radio program!
Okay, we got a crazy guy on the phone.
I want to thank you.
Got yourself a free T- shirt.
Come to the station and pick it up.
I gotta empty my colostomy bag,
all right?
- Hey, buddy, I gotta use your can.
- Hold it, jerk. Not so fast.
- What?
- Bathroom is for paying customers only.
Don't I get a free mug?
Man! Fucking people.
When we built this place,
there wasn't a clown in the area.
- Good morning, tiger. How you doing?
- You're late. You the clown?
- No. I'm Mary fucking Poppins.
- Watch your mouth, mister.
- I'm talking to you.
- I don't care who you're talking to.
Let's get a couple things straight.
One: I'm not your pal.
Two: I need $150 cash
in advance up front.
And three:
If you ever talk to me again...
I'm gonna twist your head
into a fucking balloon animal.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Nice hair.
Thanks.
Smooth.
- Lawn bowling, it's just so wonderful.
- I can't concentrate on the game.
I gotta know if Shakes
got that TV show.
- What's the rush? We'll find out.
- If he gets it, he'll use his friends.
- Who are his best friends?
- Me and you.
So he gets us on TV,
we get plenty of babes.
Shut up. You get babes 'cause
you're cool, not 'cause you're on TV.
- What do you know about women?
- I know the deal.
You haven't had a woman
since I known you.
I've been busy juggling
and doing shit.
You get on TV, all that will change.
Everybody on TV gets lots o' pussy.
- Weathermen get a lot of pussy.
- Huh?
Weathermen get a lot of pussy.
Weathermen don't get
the kind of pussy I got.
I got that peanut butter pussy...
brown, smooth and easy to spread.
Come on, Billy.
We're all bored.
Let's get the sushi out of the sun.
Ow, ow, ow.
Mom.
Boring!
Hi, kids.
It's your friend, Shakes the clown.
It's giving me trouble,
so we'll put it in here.
Where'd it go?
- Lucy, look!
- All right!
I knew you could do it!
Ow. The real bowlers said
if I win another interstate...
I have a really good chance
of going pro.
- They know what they're talking about.
- I'm just so happy.
So, was your boyfriend Shakes
there last night?
No. He was up all night
with a sick friend.
Judy, he was chasing broads
and drinking their beer.
I haven't told this to anybody,
but I think...
maybe Shakes is an alcoholic.
Judy, don't use the medical term.
The guy's a drunk and a half.
- Of course he's an alcoholic.
- You're right.
Look, a pretty bowler like you,
you can have any man in the world.
I should start thinking about my career.
This has happened to other girls, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- You get with a guy, things go wrong.
Next thing you know, you end up dead
at the bottom of a motel swimming pool.
Every time.
You gotta lose this guy, all right?
A bad clown could really fuck you up.
I love to make you grin and laugh
'cause I'm Peppy the clown
If you wore a frown
Now I hope it's upside- down
Although the show is over
I really hate to go
But we'll be back tomorrow
with a brand-new show
As soon as that camera is off,
he's gonna fuck that little dog.
Yes, kiddies, that's right.
This is my last show.
Your old Uncle Peppy
is being retired from the show.
Forget all that shit.
Who's the new host?
Kiddies, I just know you're gonna love
my replacement... Binky.
Binky? What the fuck!
Good-bye.
Say good-bye, Peppy.
Good-bye.
- Now we'll never get laid.
- Don't say that. We'll get laid.
We'll still get laid.
It's gonna be all right.
Binky?
Geez, who made this planet?
We love you. Bye.
Here's to shit in your nose,
you big phony asshole.
Dog fucker.
You clowns done?
Oh, those hands...
Fabulous hands.
You just have such neat hands.
Hands that were made for much better
things than cleaning up clown vomit.
Exciting things.
I see a clown in your future, Judy.
I see you doing things
that regular women can only dream of.
Binky.
Judy.
Blow me.
Your face wasn't made
to be getting hit with pies.
Don't laugh at me!
Am I a joke to you?
Some kind of a gag?
Get up.
Hands.
I can't breathe.
You guys are nuts.
Is it just me or has it been
extremely humid lately?
That wet kind of humid heat
that you only get in Palukaville.
You know what they say
about Palukaville...
"You don't like the weather,
stick around a while. It'll change."
Pretzel?
I'm sorry. I can't hear you.
No what? No what?
No, thank you.
- Pretzel.
- Yeah, please.
Yes, please. No, no.
You don't take the pretzel.
I give you the pretzel. Open.
Body of Binky.
Amen.
Bye!
Bye, Shakes.
Bye.
- I'm so nervous.
- Why?
I'm taking those
gourmet cooking classes at PCC.
- PCC?
- Palukaville Community College.
- Oh. I couldn't get in there.
- I test well.
Could I have another napkin?
I'm determined to be a great chef here.
I'm nervous I'm gonna flunk
my final tomorrow.
Are you serious?
You are one of the best cooks I know.
Gus, I need my batter broil here.
I'll tell you your problem.
You're afraid of women.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are. You never talk to them.
Yes, I talk to women all the time, man.
The only woman you ever talk to
is your mother.
So? Everyone likes my mother. What's
the difference? She's a nice lady.
Yeah, but you need to talk to women
who aren't your mother like...
like Lucy, right now.
What do you mean, right now?
- I mean go over there and talk to Lucy.
- You think I'm afraid?
- Yes, you're afraid.
- I'm not afraid.
I'll talk to her right now.
I ain't afraid.
Why don't you sit back,
enjoy and watch the master.
In the eighth, I completely tugged
and left the Nixons.
- Nixons?
- The 4-6-7-10 split.
Up until then I'd been hitting
the pocket all night.
- Hi, ladies.
- Did you pick up the spare?
I was really nervous 'cause I knew
I had a chance to win the match.
So, I throw a gutter ball,
but at the last moment...
it pops back into the lane
picking up the split!
Unbelievable!
- You guys know what time it is?
- 7:30.
- I think he likes you.
- He's nice, but he's a man.
So, how'd it go, master?
It went good, I guess. She was
making major eye contact with me.
- You didn't even talk to her.
- What are you talking about?
You saw me talking to her.
You were just standing there
moving your lips.
I asked her what time it was.
She told me it was 7:30.
That's the cornerstone of a lasting
relationship, what time it is?
Yes, yes, because first,
I asked her what time it is.
Tomorrow I get to ask her the date.
Day after that she's all over me.
That's how it works.
You play it slow.
Hey, waitress, what time is it?
It's 7:35, good-lookin'.
See?
What is a corn dog? Well, it's kind of
like a hot dog on a stick...
and they take it...
Sweetheart. Pumpkin.
Hey, doll face.
Don't you "sweetheart,
doll face, pumpkin" me!
- Where were you last night?
- I-I-I... Where was I last night?
- Where were you last night?
- I was up with a very sick friend.
What? Who?
- Pete.
- Pete?
Oh, Pete. Right. Then what's this
lipstick on your little funny tie?
It's not Pete's lipstick, is it?
- That's blood.
- From what?
Pete had an angina attack.
Angina? Pete is a man.
Baby, I'm sorry.
I'm truly sorry.
Last night,
there I was in the alley...
almost fulfilling my dream of becoming
a professional bowler...
I look around
and you aren't there.
What am I supposed to do?
How am I supposed to feel?
I'm sorry.
- I should have been there.
- You should have been there.
- I planned on going there.
- And what happened?
Your little friend Pete
had an angina attack.
I know what you mean by angina, but it
wasn't Pete's angina you were after.
Shakes, if you want to drink and run
around with other women, that's fine.
Just don't make me look like
an a-hole in the process.
Fuck!
Jesus Christ.
- How you doin', Pep?
- How am I doin'?
Blow it out your ass,
you useless bag of shit!
Nice talking to you.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
A real, real pleasure,
I'm sure.
Assholes.
Oh, uh, Peppy,
you dropped your thesaurus.
What's he so pissed off about?
'Cause he got fired
from the TV show.
Fired? I thought he retired.
No, he was just telling everybody that
because his ego was bruised.
Yeah. You know,
I'm really surprised that...
you know, that I haven't
been asked to host yet.
What?
You haven't heard?
No, I haven't heard nothing.
What are you talking about?
Binky's the new host.
Binky's the new host?
Binky? What the fuck? That guy
can't even throw... I don't care!
That guy can't even throw
a fucking pie straight. He's not funny.
- Did he ever make you laugh?
- No, he's not funny.
I read for that part.
That part was mine!
You guys know that.
I don't even mind
that's he's not funny.
What really bugs me is that as a human
being he's nothing but a lump of shit.
- Howdy-doody, Shakes.
- Hi. I was just talking about you.
- How's your cirrhosis?
- Fine.
How's your disease-ridden cock?
- My cock! How dare you...
- Fucking douche bag!
I'll flatten every single one
of your heads, like pancakes!
Oh, yeah? Well, the only show
you could ever get on...
would be a show called
"The Not Funny Diarrhea Club."
Fart face.
What the fuck are you talking about?
What are you, eight?
Get out of my face, all of you!
Oh, really scary.
Geez, boy, he really told us, huh?
Fucking dickheads.
What the hell is wrong with them?
I thought you were gonna kill 'em, man.
Guys like that, you know,
they give clowns a bad name.
Damn straight.
What are you doing sneaking up on me?
You scared the bejesus out of me.
- You still sore, huh?
- Yes, I'm still sore.
What do you expect from me?
- Baby, I can't explain everything.
- Shakes, I don't want to hear it.
Go away, Shakes.
I don't want to see you.
I don't want to talk to you.
Go away.
Baby.
I don't want to talk to you.
Leave me alone.
It's not gonna work.
You've hurt me too many times
and you don't take me seriously.
I take you serious.
How did it go last night?
Well, I did pretty good.
I won the first seven frames.
Then at the last moment I left
the Nixons... the 4-6-7-10 split.
And then right at the...
You're not listening to me.
You're looking over there.
I wasn't. I was looking over there,
but I was listening to you.
You were talking about Watergate
or something like that.
Forget it.
I just don't care about you anymore.
What do you mean,
you don't care about me anymore?
I'm just saying that it's all over
between the two of us.
That's great.
That's fan-freaking-tastic.
Shakes, are you all right?
See, baby, you still
do care about me.
Shakes, you are a real rat turd.
- You all right, buddy?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
Moron. Hey, Madonna,
where you going?
Need a ride, fresh cream,
cottage cheese?
- Leave me alone, milkman scum!
- Half and half?
Stupid fucking clown.
My colon.
What, the cigar bothers you now?
No. Actually, it reminds me
of my uncle.
- Your uncle smokes cigars?
- No, he stinks.
Come on, guys.
Let's call it a night.
All right, all right.
Keep your shirt on.
- See you later, Shakes.
- Good night, Shakes.
Good night, guys.
Don't forget.
You got that gig tomorrow.
I'm leaving right now.
I'm right behind you.
- See you later, buddy.
- Go home, Murray.
The dotmobile.
See you later.
You should fix that clutch.
- Do you remember where we're parked?
- I've got to urinate.
- Hello?
- Shakes, it's me, Stan.
Hey, how you doing?
How am I doing?
Where the fuck are you?
- What?
- Bastard! You did it to us again.
- Jesus Christ.
- Two hours we've been waiting on you.
You don't care.
- You're really bitter, you know that?
- I was bitter, I admit, for a while.
But I've conquered that,
and now I just feel lucky...
that I have Brainiac as a partner.
You don't believe
I'm mentally superior to you?
- Ask me a question. Come on.
- I don't have any questions for you.
All right. What's a Shondell?
What?
What? What's a Shondell?
Like Tommy James and the Shondells.
Remember that? "Crimson and Clover,"
"I Think We're Alone Now," "Mony Mony."
Yeah, I remember the goddamn band,
all right?
- What's a Shondell?
- Who cares?
- What kind of idiotic question is that?
- You're upset 'cause you don't know.
- No, I'm not getting upset.
- It's not a crime. Big deal.
The point is is that there are things
that you accept and things you question.
- So you're upset 'cause you don't know.
- I'm not upset!
You know what? At this point, you should
be watching your blood pressure.
There's nothing wrong
with my goddamn blood pressure!
Yep. Lunch break.
All right.
Duh, hi, kids.
It's Shakes...
Fuck.
Duh, hi, kids.
I'm Shakes the clown.
What is that you got over there?
What's that, pastrami?
You think that's a good idea?
You think that's wise, pastrami?
Yes. It's not only wise,
it's kosher.
And it's none of your goddamn beeswax
what I eat and what I don't eat.
I don't need a goddamn food monitor
sitting next to me in the car.
Hey, I'm not the one the doctor called,
"A candidate for the coronary"...
thankfully through working out,
nice healthy diet.
Healthy as a horse. Knock wood.
What the hell was that?
- Take off!
- You see the hair on that guy?
We got a freak. Oh, boy.
Fuck!
I got him. I got him.
Oh, my God!
- Shut up and calm down!
- Let me drive!
Get your hands off the wheel!
- You don't know how to drive!
- Get away from me!
There. See?
- I can't move my head.
- You seen this?
They clean your windshields.
This is great. Watch.
- Give me a buck. I'll give it to him.
- Are you insane?
Fuck you.
- Thank you. Looks good.
- What are you thanking him for?
Oh, my goodness!
It's dirtier now than it was!
Ducks!
Shit!
All right, out of the car, clown!
Come on! Out! Hands on the roof!
You better pray those water fowl are
all right. You're in a lot of trouble.
Look out, look out, look out.
Boy, you're a real sweetheart.
Make your parents proud?
- Let's just get them out of here.
- Another white-collar criminal.
I bet you were a big hit in lockup.
Checkered pants down around your ankles.
Everybody loves a clown,
so why don't I?
You ought to keep a little better
control over your clowns, mister...
Cheese. Owen Cheese.
U-Rent-A-Clown.
Oh, my card.
Hey, did you see that?
If you're gonna have a policeman's ball,
a social, anything...
you know, a clown is the difference
between a party and...
a really nice party.
I'll bet.
He would have gotten off with just
a few minor traffic violations...
if he hadn't twisted my Breathalyzer...
which is Palukaville Police property...
into a goddamn French poodle!
I smell pastrami.
You guys have pastrami for lunch?
Well, I had a salad.
- What?
- For lunch.
I had a salad, muffin... light lunch.
Feel good. Nothing heavy.
This is a big goddamn joke to you,
isn't it?
The man asked me about pastrami.
I'm doing my job.
Lighten up. A little protecting
and some serving.
You'd be serving parking citations
to pimps at 4:00 a.m. If I had my way.
- Are we free to leave?
- Yeah. Get out of here.
- Thank you.
- Please. And don't come back either.
- Believe me, we won't.
- Good.
Do me a favor...
See? Now those things
are gonna kill you.
I'll kill you before they kill me,
you can count on that.
Don't walk away
when I'm talking to you.
Why do you do this to me?
I mean, your total disregard
for the clown code of ethics...
would make your poor father, Lippy...
God rest his soul...
turn over in his grave.
Now meet me in the office
at 5:00.
Oh, and Shakes.
Take a bath, will you?
- You're still not talking to me?
- Yeah, we wanna talk to you, Shakes.
- Look, me and Dink...
- Just tell him.
- We think you drink too much.
- You got a problem.
I got a problem?
I got a big problem.
My best friends
are fucking assholes.
Seriously, Shakes,
you drink way too much.
Where do you get balls like that
saying I drink too much?
I don't see you guys having any trouble
whatsoever keeping up with me.
I don't have a problem with alcohol.
I could stop any time I want to.
I just don't 'cause I'm having
a lot of fun with my drinking.
Oh, here we go.
Did he puke in my car?
No big pieces.
Idiot!
Hey, you guys want a beer?
- Sure.
- What the hell. Give me a goddamn beer.
Sorry about bogarting.
A couple of frosties
for the boys.
Ah, Shakes the clown.
It'll take a lot of birthday parties
before you can pay for this suit.
You got a lot of balls coming here,
you no-good, drunken bum!
Give me my goddamn hat!
Your father's a bum!
Your father's father's a bum!
Everybody here is a bum!
Now get the hell out of here!
Mimes! Mimes!
Stop the car! Kill! Destroy!
Clowns! Shit!
Run!
You silent motherfucker, yeah!
Come on!
You can run but you cannot hide!
You only pick on us
'cause we're artists.
Ah, fuck you, man.
Get out of this box.
Bastards!
You people are sick!
You need help!
Learn how to speak.
Shakes...
when your poor father died...
in that elephant mishap...
I promised your mother I'd take care
of you as if you were my own.
Well, you... you've always
kept up that promise.
You've always been like
a father to me or something.
If your drinking...
interferes with work one more time,
I'm gonna have to fire you.
Understand?
Yeah.
If I have one complaint
from one parent...
one kid, one dog...
I'm gonna fire you so fast...
you'll be out of work immediately.
- Don't do that. It's annoying.
- Sorry.
Hey, come on.
You made me blow that shot.
He says that if I fuck up
one more time...
I'm gonna get fired.
- Oh, this is serious, Shakes.
- What are you gonna do?
I'm not gonna drink at work anymore,
that's what I'm not gonna do.
Yeah, right.
You haven't drawn a sober breath
since I've known you.
I resent that.
I've been sober plenty of times.
When?
What about when I was in my coma?
That entire month
I did not have one drink.
And when...
when I had to go to court.
You got shit-faced at the judge's
chambers and juggled his gavels.
That's settled.
From now on, me and Dink are gonna
go with you on your rounds...
to make sure you don't drink.
I don't need you guys.
I don't have a problem.
- I can stop on my own, thank you.
- I'm sure you can...
but we're gonna go with you just to
make sure you get off to a good start.
To Shakes and his newfound sobriety.
Hang in there, Shakes.
Hang in there.
- I gotta have a drink.
- No, you don't. You don't got to.
I gotta have a drink.
Shakes, last night I came this much
closer of fulfilling my dream...
of becoming a professional bowler
and you weren't there.
How's that supposed to
make me feel?
Don't think about it.
You don't gotta think about it.
Come on, please.
- Hang on.
- Calm down.
We're trying to help you, man.
I know if you have one
you'll want more.
All right, calm down.
- Oh, geez, he's puking!
- All right, just calm down.
Don't think about it, Shakes.
- Should we stop?
- Just keep going.
Oh, please, guys, give me one drink.
Don't think about it, Shakes!
- Calm down.
- Fight it.
- What are we gonna play, Dink?
- A nice game of Simon Says.
Okay, kiddies.
You're not funny, clown.
Give it a break on that horn,
will you?
Kid, if you blow that horn
one more time...
I'm gonna shove it
right up your ass.
Let me explain something to you.
You're a loser.
Your parents had to pay grown men
to come and play with you today...
because kids collectively,
on a whole, think you suck.
All right? If you want me to leave,
that's fine. I'm out of here.
I'm sorry.
Please don't go, mister.
- What's shakin', Shakes?
- Hey, everything okay?
Duh, I'm it.
We'll play hide-and-go-seek.
Get 'em out of the house.
Good idea.
Hide-and-seek.
- I'm it, everybody. Go, go, go.
- You okay?
I'm okay. I'm fine.
Gee...
G, F, K...
A...
Here I come...
ready or not,
you little bastards.
Mister, are you okay?
Oh, I hope he's dead!
Hey, hey, what's wrong?
Oh, nothing. My teacher nearly puked
when he tried my peach flan.
Are you serious? It can't be that bad.
Here, let me try it.
- Would ya?
- Sure.
You like it?
Yeah, it's good.
- You spit it out.
- No, I didn't.
- I saw you.
- No, it was yummy.
Is Shakes all right?
He's fine. He's got the toughest head
I've ever seen.
He's over at my place
sleeping it off.
He'll be sleeping it off
all night.
How you doing, fuckers?
How are we tonight?
Hi, Shakes.
Oh, pumpkin!
Why don't you all kiss my ass?
Oh, hi, boss.
How you doing?
You're fired.
I'm fired?
I'll kill you, you motherfucker!
Oh, no.
Come on. Help me.
We gotta get him up.
Let's get him in the back room.
Shakes tipsy?
Gasp.
Oh, there's a surprise.
He looks so cherubic.
- What the hell does that mean?
- Like an angel.
Yeah, I'd like to stomp
his fucking angel head.
Well, here's to Mr. Cheese coming
to his senses and firing that loser.
Here's to Shakes getting fired.
He's thrown his last pie
in this town.
Okay, now go in the back room
and wait for the two rodeo clowns there.
I'll be there.
And Boots.
- Hmm?
- Remember the code?
We don't have to worry
about this guy. He's out of it.
Hi, boys and girls.
I'm Shakes the clown.
God, this guy must drink
formaldehyde.
Hey, let's put his hand
in hot water.
- What's that do?
- Makes him pee.
Oh, all right.
- Are you Binky?
- No.
- Is that Binky?
- No, that's not Binky.
- Then who the fuck are you?
- I'm Ho-Ho the clown. Nice to meet you.
Well, fuck you, party clown!
I don't like this. Let's leave.
Wait. I'll go get Binky now.
- Let me. I know right where he is.
- You entertain our guests...
Shut up! You're fucking with
the wrong clowns now, pal.
- My cyst!
- Let me do something to him.
- You wanna hurt him?
- Something.
He wants to hurt you.
Don't make eye contact, boy.
- You know where Binky is?
- Yeah.
- Then run and get him real quick.
- Okay. Will you excuse me, please?
- Don't look at him.
- Look at me. Is this yours?
- I can't breathe.
- Don't go crazy.
- He looked at me!
- I did not.
Just settle down.
You're in the barrel.
He's in the barrel.
It's okay. Just relax.
My cyst. Ouch.
And I'll tell you another
extremely interesting thing about me...
is that even though I've got this
big-time cartoon show on the air now...
I'm not gonna change.
I'm not gonna be one iota different
than I ever was.
- You know why I'm not gonna change?
- Why?
'Cause I'm an asshole!
Asshole!
You all hate me.
You all loathe me.
Make fun of my jokes,
think I'm not funny.
Think my balloon animals suck.
You know that.
Binky the doormat.
That should be my name.
Not Binky the clown.
Binky the doormat.
I don't stick up for myself.
They say the squeaky wheel
gets the grease.
I'm the quietest fucking wheel you've
ever seen 'cause I don't bitch at all.
I'm a wimp.
Fucking nuts, that's what I am.
Insane? No, I'm not insane.
I'm just different.
I didn't wear my crystal today.
That always makes me a little tense.
The dolphins are in the Jacuzzi.
Will you excuse me
for a moment, please?
- Sure. Go ahead. It's okay.
- Thanks.
Why is it I hate it
when he buys the drinks?
- 'Cause he acts like a maniac.
- Mm-hmm.
I don't understand why he can't just
drink normally like the rest of us.
He gets so out of control.
Maybe it's 'cause he saw his father
crushed to death by an elephant.
A thing like that
can scar you for life.
He drinks so much to forget
he's a fucking alcoholic!
Geez, Lucy, would you lighten up?
Cut the guy some slack.
Dink, Stenchy, do you guys
know where Shakes is?
Oh, he's still sleeping it off
back there.
Oh. I thought I'd give him
another chance.
Thank you, Mr. Cheese.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph hanging
off the cross, for Christ's sake.
Goddamn it! Shit!
- I'll see if he's still asleep.
- That is great, man.
Do it. Beak, Randi, beak.
Ow! Goddamn!
That's good stuff.
Whoo! Colombian prairie dog.
Got a mean kick on the back end, though.
But it's about the best stuff
you can get around these parts.
I tell you what. You boys ain't bad for
a bunch of pussy birthday party clowns.
Binky, you ever been kicked
in the head by a bull?
- Something like that.
- This old boy has about 100 times.
Here. Try some
of this stuff here, Binky.
But be careful, boy.
It's got a mean bite on the back end.
Well, salud.
Binky.
Say, wait a minute.
You clowns are on dope.
Where you going, old man?
You didn't see nothing, all right?
You saw five happy, jolly clowns
sitting around...
eating a big plate of beef...
white, powdery beef.
Binky, you son of...
Boys, the poop has hit the fan.
We just killed my boss.
Listen, Bink, it's been a lot of fun,
but we gotta hit the road.
We'll catch you on the flip-flop.
Wait, wait.
Where are you going?
Witnesses.
Future cell mates.
Coke dealers.
Let's powwow.
Let's chitchat.
Let's palaver.
Well, all right, Bink.
What's the deal?
- It's your move.
- You know what?
I really gotta learn how he did that.
Remember that Cheese guy, the clown guy?
The thing with the card.
Hey, look.
That's the difference between a cop
and a really good cop.
Wasn't that amazing?
It was childish when he did it.
When you do it, it's infantile.
Now would you knock it off.
Go ahead.
Turn those off!
Now make it look like
there's been a fight.
- You don't talk to me anymore.
- You're insensitive to my needs.
That's a fight? I said a fight.
You're making it look like powder puffs.
- Mix it up.
- I know karate.
Well, I know the Vulcan nerve pinch.
- Fuck you, fucker.
- Why don't you kiss my rosy red ass?
Just lay him down on the floor
and shut up. I gotta use the phone.
You can't listen.
Take this, you...
Shut up! I'm telephoning.
Hello. Police department?
This is Mr. Owen Cheese
at the U-Rent-A-Clown office.
Oh, God. There's a guy in the office
and he's trying to murder me.
My life is in jeopardy.
Please come quickly.
They're on the way, boys.
Let's move 'em out.
You ever find yourself
sweating a lot?
- No.
- Headachy?
- No.
- Sudden mood swings?
I'll mood swing you right out
of this car if you don't knock it off!
I'm trying to concentrate
on my move!
- Wait a minute.
- What?
You were just in the Peanut Brittle
House and now you're at Lollipop Woods.
- How the hell did that happen?
- Peter Crony.
Goddamn it!
18-12, we've got a 7-11 in progress
at the U- Rent-A-Clown office.
17th and Central. Over.
Why does this always happen
when I'm winning?
Remember, I'm green.
Open the door!
It's the police!
Open up immediately.
This is the police.
We can see you in there.
We know you're in there.
Come on out.
Step back.
We're gonna kick the door down.
He's going out the back.
- Damn it!
- Where the hell did he go?
I've been with you the whole time!
How do I know?
If you kept your eyes open
for once...
- Here. I'm gonna call for backup.
- Don't just grab it!
Things like that are exactly
why people hate you!
What do you mean? What kind of a broad,
general, sweeping statement is that?
- I've got lots of friends.
- I'm not talking about your friends.
I'm talking about everyday normal people
you meet who hate you right away.
Will you stop that?
I thought you liked
"Lady of Spain."
I love "Lady of Spain," but that's
not "Lady of Spain," is it, Ty?
Damn. Just play something else.
I'm trying to count my money.
- Where was I?
- I'll play "Lady of Spain."
Hey, that's that damn clown.
Where? I'll ask him
if this is "Lady of Spain."
Get down, you dumb-ass!
Too bad about his accident.
- What accident?
- You know the one.
Where he was so distraught
by killing his boss...
who was like a father to him
that he ran himself off a cliff.
- Shit!
- That fuck-face!
Oh, great.
Meet your maker, party clown.
Hey, sorry about the headlight.
Tell you what. Pull over
and we'll exchange phone numbers.
Get an estimate...
Fuck you!
Pay for your own headlight, asshole!
Shit!
I just made my last payment.
Look at him.
- Are you watching?
- I'm watching.
Now watch me closely.
See? This is very important.
Jesus, Shakes!
Boar! Hey, Boar!
Hi!
Fuck you, clown!
Judy, I can't take it anymore.
The police came by
the Twisted Balloon tonight.
- I killed Mr. Cheese.
- What?
I killed Mr. Cheese.
You couldn't kill Mr. Cheese.
He was like a father to you.
You don't have it in you
to do something like that, honey.
Don't you realize all your problems
come from how much you drink?
What are we gonna do?
Shakes.
Jesus Christ!
I feel like a fucking idiot.
No, no, you look very sexy.
Very French.
I look sexy?
Do you realize if I saw myself
I'd have to kick my own ass right now?
Maybe you and your friends
will think twice about mime bashing.
Maybe you're right.
Hurry up, everybody!
Mime Jerry's gonna show us
some new routines he learned in France.
Come on.
Mime's a-wasting.
Hey, are you sure
you're gonna be all right?
Yeah, I'll be fine. Who's gonna
look for me in a mime studio?
Well, control yourself.
If you get into any trouble, call me.
Well, okay.
Thanks a lot, doll.
I'll see you later.
Let's start with our walls.
And go!
All right, everyone.
We're gonna be a cat in a box.
Ready? Here we are.
Use those claws.
Make me believe
that you're that little pussy.
Yes.
Huh?
I'm Mime Jerry.
And your name is?
My name is Chuck.
Chuck!
Everyone, let's welcome Chuck.
Silently, people!
Mime Chuck, would you like to be
my little helper today?
Yeah, that'd be tremendous.
Come on up, Chuck.
You forgot the stairs.
There's stairs here.
Whoa! There we go.
Come on up there. There we are.
All right, Chuck, in the future
the underwear should go on the inside.
And let's keep Mom's
candy-red panty hose at home, okay?
I don't want to see
what religion you are.
Ready?
Let's start with our walls.
And go!
Come on, Chuck.
We're doing a wall now.
Chuck, you're not copping a feel on
a big-tittied lady. Let's make a wall.
Are we on medication,
or don't we know what a wall is?
Let's make it a single wall,
not putting your hand in shit.
Tighten that wrist up,
or I'll break it.
There you go... Tighten it!
There we go.
Ready? There we are.
Let's make our wall.
There it is. It's all over us.
Uh-oh. It might be above us too.
It might be above us, Chuck.
What are we doing, a little watusi?
Come on, Chuck, make the wall.
All right, enough of that.
Everybody get ready to fry our bacon.
Ready?
Here we go!
Raise 'em!
Suck in the little pork belly.
And fry.
Come on, Chuck.
We wanna fry off that fat ass of yours.
Fry, fry, fry, Chuckie!
Everybody, let's sizzle.
We're gonna sizzle off
Chuck's little pork butt.
Fry yourself. Let the heat work
through you. Shake your meat.
You got a roll of quarters.
Make some change.
Now you're burning.
Now you're on fire.
Shake your money maker.
Think about being eaten,
and then curl up.
Curl up, Chuck!
There we go!
Come on.
Curl, curl.
You having an epileptic fit?
You okay?
- Who's there?
- Like you don't know.
It's me, Binky.
- What are you doing here, you creep?
- I brought these for ya.
They're very pretty.
Where'd you steal 'em?
If this bed could talk.
Huh, Judy?
I understand how you feel.
You're hurt. We're all hurt.
I mean, Shakes, a murderer?
Listen, Binky,
Shakes may be alcoholic...
and a bad lay...
but he's not a murderer.
How can you say
he's not a murderer?
He took a juggling pin and smashed in
Mr. Cheese's head with the thing.
Again and again and again,
just hitting and hitting...
and the head bursting
and splattering underneath.
Boots and HoHo could've stopped me,
but they didn't stop me!
Wait. Did I say "me" just now?
Yes.
Whoa. Back up.
Now I've gotta kill you.
Beautiful. Another red-letter day
for Binky the clown.
Just great.
Just great.
More bullshit and pressure
in my life!
All right, let's move on to...
riding a pony into the Grand Canyon.
This is kind of an existential mime
dealing with life and death.
All right, everybody, saddle up.
Saddle up, Chuck!
Come on, boy!
- Get on your pony.
- I'm on my pony.
All right, I see that, Chuckles.
Ready? And head 'em out.
Ride. You're riding
toward the canyon now.
Head 'em out. Hyah!
You lose that hat again...
I'll put it up your ass
and it'll be hard to walk in the wind.
There you go, boy.
Very good, everyone.
Hyah!
Come on, people.
This is not funny, this is serious.
You look like a bunch
of goddamn rodeo clowns.
Chuck, you didn't join us at all.
That really pisses me off.
Let's try it again.
Time out, everyone.
You're a clown, aren't ya?
- No, I'm not a clown.
- Really?
Let's try again.
All right, everybody,
ready to do this one?
This is the mime called "Puberty."
Ready?
All right, everybody.
Ladies, do something different.
Ready? Whoa!
Hi, Judy here.
We'll, I'm not here.
- Leave a message. Bye!
- Hey, Judy?
Yeah.
Judy, this is Mime Chuck.
I think I figured out something.
I'll see you later, okay? Bye-bye.
Oh, man.
I can't believe this is happening.
Me either.
He was a great guy.
He was a great guy.
He was the greatest guy.
- I don't know.
- Hey! Hey!
- Hey, dickhead!
- Somebody's callin' you.
A mime!
Jesus Christ, you stupid shit!
It's me!
Shakes, you're a mime!
I'm not a mime!
I knew it. Remember how he used to
sit for hours and not say nothin'?
This is a double whammy, man.
First I find out you killed someone.
Now I find out you're a mime.
That's weird!
I didn't kill Mr. Cheese.
Oh, yeah, all right.
Then who did?
It was some rodeo clowns!
Rodeo clowns.
Come on.
You know, I heard you.
You said you were gonna kill him.
You don't even know what you're doing
when you're drunk. That's the problem.
Yeah. Look, Shakes, just...
Turn yourself in to the police.
You gotta believe me, man.
Come on.
Where's Judy?
She ain't here.
Judy didn't show up for work?
- Yeah.
- No, she didn't show up for work.
She's not inside.
If you look inside, she's not there.
She's never late.
We gotta go find her.
You guys aren't gonna help me, huh?
- Come on.
- Shakes.
Shakes, come on.
We'll take my car.
Just promise me
you don't enjoy dressing like that.
The tights ride me in the crotch,
but outside of that it's not that bad.
It's just weird
to see you look like this.
- Hurry up.
- I can't move any faster in these heels.
Shit.
Oh, man.
I'm sorry Dink didn't believe you.
- Shut up, man. I believe him.
- Oh, you...
Guys, guys, guys, come on.
They got my girlfriend.
What are we gonna do?
We have to go to
that rodeo clown bar.
- The Broken Saddle?
- See, that's stupid.
- No. Those guys are tough.
- They're big there. They hit you.
I can't believe what I'm hearing.
You gonna help me or what?
I wanna go!
You're the idiot who...
- He's a chickenshit.
- Yeah, I'm chicken. Stupid idiot.
How you doin', Spur?
What's wrong with you, son?
Come on, Ty, let's go get some pussy.
Hey, cut it out.
Leave the damn people alone.
Oh, shit.
We're gonna get our asses kicked.
- Just act tough.
- Don't be intimidated.
Say, you rough, tough cowboys aren't
fixin' to mess up my joint, are ya?
No, we just wanted
a couple of beers.
Shut the fuck up! This here's a rodeo
clown bar, and you ain't rodeo clowns.
Yes, we are.
How come I ain't never
seen you here before?
'Cause we're from the east.
Yeah? Well, I'm from back east,
and I ain't never laid eyes on you.
We're from the Middle East.
Actually, Lebanon.
Hi, I'm Dink.
Nice to meet you.
- Dink this.
- Please don't hurt me!
I-I-I'm gonna go lie
next to my friends.
No! No! No!
Welcome back.
Jeez, we're gonna be here
all night.
Had enough?
That's it, man? Usually we gotta watch
you get your ass kicked for an hour.
That's the truck! The clowns
that ran me off the road! Get up!
Come on, let's go!
- See you later.
- Come on!
Falafel-eatin' assholes.
Calm down, Clown Judy.
I was nervous
my first time on TV too.
Turn that frown upside-down,
Clown Judy.
Did you know... This is a fact...
it takes 98 muscles to frown...
and only two to smile.
That's true!
Laugh and learn
with Binky the clown!
It's a shame
that your boyfriend Shakes...
won't be around to see
your big television debut!
Oh, perfection.
You look beautiful, Clown Judy.
Beautiful!
Don't you understand what I'm saying?
I love you.
Oh, no!
It's that Shakes!
- Get the gun out!
- I am!
Come on, hurry up.
Get your gun out. Come on!
Why the hell did you
buy guns in pieces for?
Quit fuckin' around.
Get the gun together.
- Don't tell me what to do, pisshead.
- Don't you call me a pisshead.
Hiya, pissheads!
Shakes, are you sure
these are the guys?
Shoot him!
Look out!
Look out, Shakes!
Look out!
Oh, my God!
Suck butt, fudge pants!
- I'm gonna get me a couple of 'em.
- Yeah! How'd that feel, Shakes?
- Where'd they go?
- They're coming up here right now.
They're coming.
There they are.
That's them! They're pulling up
right alongside of us!
- All right, I'm gonna get 'em.
- You wanna play some more, party clown?
Hand me the pie.
- The what?
- The pie!
Get that gun out of my face, Ty.
- Then where the hell am I...
- Don't point it down there! Shit!
Grab the wheel! Grab the wheel!
Oh, shit!
Stop it!
Goddamn. Stop it.
Get out.
Jesus Christ!
Where's Judy?
You stupid fuck!
Where is she?
Where's Judy?
What did you do with her?
I don't know.
You gotta believe me.
Like you didn't try
to fuckin' kill me.
We thought you could frame us
for killing Cheese. We didn't do it!
Who killed Mr. Cheese?
Binky.
Cheese caught him doin' drugs.
So he went nuts
and killed the guy.
You gotta believe me, man.
You gonna be okay?
Yeah.
Come on, guys!
Let's go get Binky!
All right, kids, listen up.
Hey, knock it off.
What are we gonna do
when we see Binky the clown?
No, I don't think so.
You're gonna have to be more enthused
when you see Binky.
You guys know
about sharing, right?
That's what we want...
an 8.9 Nielsen share.
It's an adult kind of thing.
We're older.
We know what's funny.
That's why we're helping you out with
this little deal here. Super? Good.
So how's it gonna happen?
That's it. You're getting it.
Give it up. Come on.
What does it say? Harder.
Give it up!
Come on! Do it! Come on!
That's good. A little more.
Don't hold back.
Three, two... Binky!
Good morning, kids
I'm up with the sun
It's time for games
Laughs and cartoon fun
Come on and join in!
Binky's my name
I'm livin' life in the fun lane
So hop on board
The Cartoon Circus train
Whoo-whoo
Come on with Binky now
Come on
Dance with Binky, kids! Come on!
It's a fun-a-delic show
No other show can match it
Binky cartoon fever
Catch it
Yeah!
Just get in.
See? I told you it was Binky.
What? You're the only one
who still thinks it's Shakes.
- No.
- No, you... Hey!
- Get in the car!
- What's wrong with you?
- When are you gonna admit you're wrong?
- I'll never admit that, because I'm not.
You'll wake up one morning and say,
"It's time for me to admit I was wrong."
And I'm gonna be there
when it happens.
Hey, fellas. What say we go for
a little stroll, if you don't mind.
Come on.
Come on, let's go.
Whoo!
That was a lot of fun!
Another fun thing that we like to do
on the Cartoon Circus...
is make new friends.
I have a new friend
I'd like you to meet...
boys and girls at home
and in the studio today.
My new assistant...
The lovely
Lovely, lovely
Clown Judy
Say hi to Judy, everybody.
We're gonna try something with Judy.
These are knives.
Remember, you might want
Mom and Dad to help you...
Whoa!
I have got butterfingers today.
Oh, boy.
We're gonna try it anyway.
Like some of you at home...
Clown Judy
has not always been this...
helpful!
- You guys wanna get in the trunk?
- Don't ask 'em. Tell 'em!
If you ask 'em,
they'll say "no."
All right, all right.
Get in the fuckin' trunk.
Shakes!
Don't worry, Judy.
I hardly ever miss.
Sorry about that.
Gonna be hearing from the union
about that tomorrow.
You piss me off.
You know why you piss me off?
"Hi, Shakes. Could I get you
another beer, freshen it up?
Maybe some Corn Nuts, Shakes?"
Wait a minute.
Come back here.
Let go of me!
Get in the trunk.
- Shakes, you're alive.
- What the fuck?
Talk about a shot of whiskey,
huh, fellas?
Let's go kick Binky's dick.
Yeah!
Come on, let's go!
Stupid shoes!
But there were times
when I needed a little service too...
babe.
You just weren't interested,
were ya...
doll face?
What about me? What about Binky?
What about my needs?
What about my needs
as a thirsty, horny clown?
Yeah!
I'm all right, kids!
I'm all right!
Hey, knock it off! Come on, guys!
We're on the air! Cool it!
Don't you push me!
Rip his head off!
Bartender,
can't you fix that TV?
That's a hell of a shot.
All we got is his ass.
Come on, Shakes, get up.
Come on, you bum.
Roll over!
Oh, Shakes. Ohh!
Look at the lovebirds.
Yeah. Ain't love grand?
I gotta have her call me.
How sweet it is.
Are you gonna stop drinking
and get some help?
- All right, here we go.
- Spread out. This is a police matter.
Nice job, Shakes.
- I don't regret a goddamn thing, Shakes!
- We're going to the rubber room.
This is just the way I planned it!
Oh, excellent plan!
Hi. My name's Shakes,
and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Shakes.
Welcome, Shakes.
I was thinkin',
all my life I've always been in trouble.
I've never grown up.
I tend to act like
the world owes me a favor...
like it revolves around me
or somethin'.
I never thought, sincerely,
that I'd be sober this long.
And the only thing I know now...
is that I really
just don't know anything...
except what I learn here
and what you guys tell me.
Thanks for letting me share.
Until tomorrow, be good to yourself
and be your own dessert. Bye-bye!
- Cut! That was super.
- Was it? Lucky me.
Get the fuck off me, you shithead.
I could have you fired.
- Judy, hi!
- Lucy!
- You look so glamorous.
- Thanks.
All I'm sayin' is,
you got a blank TV screen there...
but in a few seconds
you got Stenchy and I coming on there.
- TV stars is what I'm tryin' to say.
- See? I told you. TV, girls.
Look, you guys, get lost.
We're the producers.
Seriously?
Well, we like your show. It's cool.
- Bye.
- Good night.
Five, four, three, two...
show time!
Hi, kids, it's me,
your friend, Shakes the clown.
I've got an extra-special show
for you today.
So please welcome my friend,
Mime Jerry!
It's a mime!
Get him!
Help me! No! Please!
Should we go to a cartoon?
Should we go to a cartoon?
When I was a kid
My dad had pictures of these clowns
He hung them on my wall
And wouldn't let me take 'em down
I didn't understand then
and I still can't figure out
Still can't figure out
What those goddamn clowns
Were so sad about
A clown was my boss
at every job I ever had
Clowns run
all the record companies
They never said we're bad
A clown pretending to be a girl
Who pretended to be my friend
This world is run by clowns
Who can't wait for it to end
I have yet to meet a kid
Not scared to death of clowns
They can't walk
and they don't talk
They got painted- on frowns
A clown with a gun
I hope I never see
Hope I never see
Would he shoot himself
Or shoot me
A clown taught every class I took
At my old high school
Clowns all wear Speedos
When they hang out by the pool
Clowns dress up like cops
And threaten to call my folks
This town is filled with clowns
Who don't get my jokes
They fall on their asses
It takes lots of practice
They fall on their asses
It takes lots of practice
They fall
They fall
I have nightmares filled with clowns
And you're there too
You have a big red nose
And stupid, floppy shoes
You're becoming one
I can see the signs
I can see the signs
I hate clowns
And I hate mimes
A clown was my boss
at every job I ever had
Clowns run
all the record companies
They never said we're bad
A clown pretending to be a girl
Who pretended to be my friend
This world is run by clowns
Who can't wait for it to end
Wait for it to end
Wait for it to end
Wait for it
To end