Stop that. Why, the idea.
Voulez-vous me to call the police?
-What does that mean in English?
-The same as it does in French, monsieur,
All right.
Comme ca, a little brook.
Comme ca, a little river.
Comme ca, a little brook.
Comme ca, a little river.
Where is Petrov?
Please, can you not see
l am busy being a wave?
Comme ca, a little river,
comme ca, a little brook.
Where is Petrov?
Look here, l don't want to be bourgeois
and remind anybody...
that l'm the owner of this company...
but if somebody doesn't tell me
where Petrov is...
there'll be trouble for everybody.
He's in his private room,
practicing his grand leap.
Thank you.
-But he does not want to be disturbed.
-Thank you.
-What is this?
-Hi, Jeff.
Stop it. Stop that.
-What on earth are you doing?
-l'm just having fun.
Fun? The great Petrov
doesn't dance for fun.
The great Petrov doesn't, but l do.
-Pete Peters, remember me?
-Oh, that awful name of yours.
l was born with it. lt isn't bad.
Pete Peters, Philadelphia, PA.
How do you make
that exasperating noise?
What have you got on those shoes?
-Taps.
-Taps?
-On your ballet shoes?
-Sure.
Sacrilege. At last l'm beginning
to understand...
why you wanted a private room
to dance in.
All this time l thought you were practicing
your grand leap.
But, Jeff, l haven't neglected anything.
Look, the entre chat trois.
Lovely, beautiful.
But how much more effective
it is this way.
Lovely.... l forbid that.
-That's not art.
-Maybe it isn't.
Perhaps it's just the Philadelphia in me.
Jeff, l wish we could combine
the technique of the ballet...
with the warmth and passion
of this other mood.
Mood, what other mood?
You mean this jazz business?
Jazz went out with the flapper.
That isn't jazz.
After 15 years of the hardest work...
you want to dwindle
into a shimmy dancer.
Well, forget all that nonsense.
Here, look at this, do you realize
we ought to be sailing?
Do you realize the Metropolitan
in New York City is getting nervous?
l'm sorry, but l have to stay in Paris
a while yet.
Stay in Paris? What for? Why?
That's grace, that's rhythm.
What is that? What have you got there?
lsn't she lovely?
lsn't she lovely?
So that's it.
Who is that girl? Who is she?
Where did you meet her?
That's it, l haven't been able
to meet her yet.
But l hope to dance with her someday.
-Dance? With her?
-Sure.
Are you mad?
Are you sure that she hasn't tried
to persuade you to stay on here?
l told you, l haven't even met her,
but l'd kind of like to marry her.
l think l will.
Thanks, Jeff.
You are so beautiful when you are angry.
Pardon, mademoiselle,
l cannot help what l cannot help.
Neither can l.
You cannot let us up like this.
-lt not up she let us, it is down.
-Up or down, she lets us.
-lt is all your fault, you kissed her.
-But it is in the play.
You kissed her out of the play, too.
Go home, all of you.
Go home!
Well, hello, my little darling.
What have you got there?
lt's Mr. Miller, miss.
He just arrived from New York.
-Hello, Arthur.
-Hello, Lynn.
You better go.
lf l ever walk on a stage again....
-How did you get here?
-By rail.
l hung over every inch of it.
A new experience for you,
you usually have your foot on one.
Yes, Lynn.
Of all the humiliating experiences.
Did you ever dance with a man
you didn't care about...
-and who's in love with you?
-No, Lynn.
Why do actors have to take
the author's lines literally?
And why must there always be a kiss
at the second-act curtain?
As long as l live, l hope l never see
another hand-kissing, heel-clicker.
Careful, Lynn.
You know, l come from a long line
of heels myself...
but we've never clicked.
And it's all your fault, too.
l was a happy, peaceful girl
until you discovered me.
Fame, name in lights.
l never should have listened to you.
l'll quit.
-l'll retire from the stage forever.
-Again?
lt does you good to break an engagement.
Engagement?
Engagement. That's what l'll do, Tai.
Send a cable to Jim Montgomery.
Tell him l want to see him desperately...
and l'm coming back
on the Queen Anne tomorrow.
-Yes, miss.
-Now, Lynn, don't lose your head.
-You have to stay in the theatre.
-Never.
l refuse to be a bowl in a gold of fish.
You mean a fish in a bowl of gold.
That's what l said, a bowl in a goldfish.
-Just a moment, please.
-Thank you.
Petrov? What's a Petrov?
Just the Russian ballet's greatest dancer.
Fine, tell him to go back to Moscow.
The gentleman seems very anxious
to see you, miss.
l've got enough troubles
without adding a dizzy Russian to them.
Just another dancer to swoon in my arms.
That's all l need to make things perfect.
A simpering toe dancer.
Get rid of him.
He probably only wants to say
he's seen a picture of me...
and can't live without me.
l am Petrov.
Charmed. l'm Linda....
-Linda....
-Linda Keene.
-Yes.
-How do you do?
So glad you came, Mr. Petrov.
Not mister, Petrov, alone.
-Just Petrov.
-And why not?
Just Caesar, just Napoleon,
and only Garbo...
so Petrov, too, she's enough.
Just about enough.
And you, l understand
you want to dance with me.
Of course, l cannot blame you...
but l will not permit it.
Who told you that?
A little bird she tell me so.
Not in the least.
What, you do not want to dance
with the great Petrov?
Don't be a silly horse.
Maybe you could twist for me once...
like so.
No, l don't....
-Twist.
-Better twist.
Get up, l hate these discords.
She is horrible, nyet?
Well, that kind of settles it.
With me, nothing is settled.
Well, l must go now. l must go to Moscow.
-Funny, nyet?
-Very.
lt kills me.
That lunatic's dangerous,
they ought to lock him up.
Am l glad l'm sailing
on the Queen Anne tomorrow.
No, Denise, no.
l can't take you back as ballerina.
Why, you've done absolutely nothing
for four years.
And everything's been so peaceful
since you left.
lt wasn't my fault.
Peter just refused to fall in love with me.
Peter, darling.
Why, Denise...
-or should l say Lady Tarrington?
-No, it is Denise again.
Denise wants to come back to the ballet.
She does?
Well, that sounds like fun.
l didn't know you felt that way.
Why, of course, Denise, you're engaged.
-You go downstairs and get your contract.
-Thank you, Jeffrey.
Jeffrey, may l speak to you
a moment, please?
-You'll excuse us?
-Of course.
And l'll let you know about the rehearsals
the first thing in the morning.
Of course, we can't give her
anything important to do at first.
-You want me to stay, don't you?
-Why, what a question.
-Well, then get rid of her.
-Get rid of her?
Remember all the trouble
she caused the last time?
-But you just told her, l heard you myself.
-l was only being polite.
Oh dear, and l've given her my word.
Look, Jeff, l'll make a deal with you.
You want me to go to New York,
don't you?
Why, naturally.
l'll sail on the Queen Anne tomorrow
providing you get rid of her.
Tomorrow, oh dear, that's so sudden.
l wouldn't know what to do.
l wouldn't know what to say.
-All right, l stay here in Paris.
-But l'll think of something.
l'll connive, l'll connive something good.
Good.
Peter.
Hello, Denise.
l feel very bad
because l'm not going with you.
-So do l.
-ls your wife going with you?
My wife, l haven't any wife.
Jeffrey told me it was a secret
for professional reasons.
Oh, Jeffrey.
Did he mention how long l'd been married?
Yes, he did.
lmmediately after dear Tarrington
took me away from you.
Dear Tarrington.
-ls she sailing with you?
-Who?
Oh, my wife, yes, of course.
l'd love to meet her.
Well, you couldn't.
She's busy with the children now.
Children? But Jeffrey didn't tell me.
Jeffrey doesn't know everything.
lmagine, married four years.
lmagine.
-And how many little ones are there?
-Five.
-Five?
-Well, twins.
-How wonderful.
-lsn't it?
-All visitors ashore,
-Well, goodbye, Denise.
-Sweet of you to see me off.
-Goodbye, Peter.
Bon voyage,
Miss Keene, l know,
wants me to tell you...
how much she hates
leaving her dear Paris.
She's enjoyed everything about it,
and everybody in it.
All visitors ashore,
Monsieur Petrov, a picture, please.
Thank you.
-One more, please.
-All right.
l certainly do envy you, Pete,
going home at last.
l kind of like the idea myself.
All right, so long, fellows,
thanks for everything.
Bye-bye.
Miss Keene.
Why, just Petrov.
You come to see me go, nyet?
Yes, isn't it sweet of me?
l know you come.
Petrov, l have been looking all over for....
-l beg your pardon.
-Miss Keene, my friend, Jeffrey Baird.
-How do you do?
-Really, Miss Keene....
What did you say?
Me? Nothing.
What's the matter with you,
you got a cold?
No, l feel like you say, good.
Well, you don't sound so good.
What's the matter with you?
Doesn't Mr. Baird understand Russian?
-Not a--
-Yes.
What?
What sort of a game is this?
lt's just a game little American boys play.
l beg your pardon, sir.
-We can't find Mr. Petrov.
-Well, you've got to find him.
He's probably practicing
that jiggling somewhere.
l've looked everywhere, sir.
Splendid service, that's all l can say.
Bring the world's leading ballet
dancer aboard this ship...
and he disappears from his stateroom
under your very nose.
Well, he might be
in someone's else's stateroom, sir.
What would he be doing
in someone else's stateroom?
That would be entirely up to him, sir.
You aren't really serious
about that marriage idea, Lynn?
No, Arthur?
What about me?
l'm sorry, but l'm facing real happiness
for the first time in my life.
Yes, and l'm facing bankruptcy...
for the third time in my life.
-Steward, miss.
-Come in.
l ordered lunch for us.
You can put the table right here.
l guess we won't be having
many more of these together.
Lynn, l still think you're a sap
to walk out on me just to get married.
No, l'm tired of living the kind of life
l've been leading.
Look, Lynn, l'll give you $10,000 more
than l gave you last year.
You don't understand,
your kind never does.
Money, isn't everything.
But, Lynn, after all these years together.
Arthur, l'm tired of being pawed.
l beg your pardon.
My compliments, miss...
and as for you, sir, shame.
You misled me, you tricked me.
You knew that she was going
to take this boat.
l'll admit the charge and plead
in extenuation my extreme youth.
And where have you been all day?
With that woman?
Not that woman, Jeff. The woman.
But l wasn't with her, and furthermore,
she hasn't left her room all day, darn it.
Probably one of those night prowlers.
But she's not going to prowl
too near you...
because l intend to accompany you
all evening.
-Good, maybe she's got a friend.
-Really?
What's the matter, what are you doing?
What are you weaving about like that for?
-Weaving?
-Yes.
l'm not weaving.
lt's the boat.
You mean this boat's doing that?
Of course, it must be getting choppy out.
Of course.
-Why, Jeff, what's the matter?
-Nothing, l'm all right, l think.
l guess.
-You look terrible.
-Do l?
Why, yes, you're all white,
sort of green, kind of yellowish.
-Maybe you ought to go to bed.
-Maybe.
No, maybe l better get some air.
-Do you mind?
-Not at all.
-What's the matter, old man?
-lt's the boat.
The whole boat is weaving.
There, is that better?
l don't know, really, l don't know.
-Straight lemon juice, please.
-l wouldn't drink that.
-No?
-lt'll make you seasick.
What this gentleman needs is champagne.
Champagne? No, l've never touched
champagne in all my life.
-l refuse to touch it.
-You can watch me, then.
-Keep them coming.
-Yes, sir.
Nothing.
Tell me the truth, do l look bad to you?
To tell you the truth,
l don't know you well to tell you the truth.
Miss Keene, you remember the night
we met in Paris?
Yes, l remember.
Wait a minute, please.
l want to explain.
You see, l once saw a photograph of you...
and l decided right then and there
that l simply had to meet you.
And l tried every way but...
nobody in Paris
seemed to know you and....
Everybody in Paris knows Linda Keene...
everybody worth knowing.
Of course, but l just don't seem
to know the right people yet.
Couldn't you do something about that
right now...
as one Yankee to another?
l'm from the South.
Maybe you all's from the North.
lt's funny, dogs have an instinct
for the right people.
How do you like that?
lt's marvelous how you can do it
with so many at one time.
-Let's drink to that.
-Steward.
Another bottle of this lemon.
He's gone to bed, must be late.
What time is it?
What does your watch say?
lt says tick-tick-tick.
Hey, Jeffrey.
Hello, good morning.
What's the matter, you lose something?
l got great news for you, old man,
you're not going to be seasick.
The captain just told me this will continue
to be the smoothest trip in 10 years.
l don't see why you should
have such a big head.
-You only had one glass.
-Yes, but you kept filling it.
Your breakfast, sir.
What'll l do?
Before you do anything,
you'd better put that breakfast away.
That'll save me an extra trip.
Come here, darling.
What has happened?
You ruined your sweater,
now l'll have to fix it.
lsn't it wonderful
being here tonight like this?
Still on the same boat together.
l seldom change boats in mid-ocean.
l mean, look how lucky l am.
The first time l find myself on a boat
with somebody like you...
it turns out to be you.
Fellows, listen to this.
''Lady Tarrington left this morning
on the S,S, Marseilles,,,
''for a trip to America to visit her friends
Mr. and Mrs. Petrov...
''who are aboard the S,S, Queen Anne,
''Upon further questioning...
''it was learned that the Petrovs
have been married for some time...
''their marriage not having heretofore
been disclosed for professional reasons.''
That is news for your morning bulletin.
That must be the musical comedy star
he's with so much, Linda Keene.
By George, you're right.
Sparks just told me that ballet dancer,
Petrov, is secretly married.
-l'll wager it's to that American dancer.
-Righto.
-Will that be all, Miss Linda?
-Yes, thank you, Tai.
And he's been secretly married
to Linda Keene for some time.
They're a lovely-looking couple,
don't you think?
My dear, l knew it.
-How do you do?
-Good evening.
That's what l like about boats,
everyone's so friendly.
A toast.
Wake up, Petrov.
We're going to have a baby?
-What?
-Why did you keep this a secret from me?
-What are you talking about?
-lt's all here in the ship's bulletin.
lt says you've been married for years
to Linda Keene.
And the editor announces:
''lt is rumored that a blessed event
is imminent.''
Why did this have to happen to me?
To you? lt hasn't even happened to me.
Lady Tarrington.
Do you realize
that you're the father of my child?
Of course, that's ridiculous,
that's impossible.
lt's very simple.
You told Denise l was married...
somebody selected a wife,
and now l'm going to be a father.
-lsn't that cute?
-Cute? lt's a miracle.
l warned you association with that
Keene woman would get you into trouble.
l warned you l was gonna fall in love
with her. l have.
-lt's your fault, go and explain it to her.
-l'll do nothing of the kind.
lf you want me to dance
at the Metropolitan...
you go to Linda and clear this thing up.
ln that case perhaps l had better.
l'll take care of this.
Operator, get me Mr. Petrov.
What? Don't you dare congratulate me.
Come in.
l've come to tell you, Miss Keene,
that we will not tolerate your insinuations.
Stay where you are...
while l compose myself.
l suppose you and that toe dancer think
this whole thing's a good joke.
lt was not altogether the toe dancer,
Mr. Petrov's fault.
lt wasn't?
A man in Petrov's position is besieged
by women.
Naturally.
And there was one
persistent wretch who....
Well, to get rid of her,
he said he was married to you.
-To get rid of her?
-Exactly.
He had to choose somebody, and he felt
that a person like you wouldn't mind.
-So he used me to....
-Exactly.
You see, it wasn't altogether a joke.
Good morning, little mother.
Good morning.
l want to book passage on that mail plane.
l'm sorry, but that's against
government regulations.
But l must leave the ship.
lt's absolutely urgent that l leave.
Well, l understand,
but it's just a little irregular.
l'm quite sure the government
would understand.
Well, perhaps under the existing
circumstances, madam--
Not madam, miss!
Where's Linda?
Pardon me.
Take a good look.
Gosh, and l could have
explained everything.
You couldn't have explained her
embarrassment and humiliation.
Thanks.
Now she's going to get married.
-Married?
-Yes.
Married to a Park Avenue cluck...
with the longest yacht
and the shortest chin ever christened.
-You've driven her to that.
-Me? l didn't do anything.
Only told somebody
you were married to her...
just to get rid of another dame,
only used her, that's all.
-Who said l did?
-Your impresario, Mr. Baird.
Oh, he did?
Excuse me, gentlemen...
in a few moments the fire bell will ring,
but don't pay any attention to it.
-A fire drill for the ship's crew.
-Right.
He's probably in here.
Did you tell Miss Keene that l used her
to get rid of a woman?
My very words, dear boy.
One of these days
you'll thank me for doing it.
Thank you?
lf l didn't need you to explain to her--
What is the matter with you?
Haven't you any feeling of responsibility
for your art, your company?
Do you realize because of your lies...
the best musical comedy star
is quitting show business?
ls that so? That's no loss.
lt'd be if Petrov were mixed up
with that cheap vaudeville.
However, l've scotched all that,
and l'm proud of it.
You scotched it all right.
This boat is getting terrible.
What is that noise?
-lt's a fire, the boat's on fire.
-ls it?
This boat?
Of course, yes! What are we going to do?
-Nothing.
-Nothing?
-Stay where you are.
-Stay where you are.
-Don't move.
-Don't move, but hurry. My word, yes!
-You'd better get into this.
-l'm going to sue the company.
-lf we get out alive.
-l'll sue them anyway.
Take the Thermos,
you may get stranded on an island.
We'll need this for cold nights.
l feel the flames, they're getting nearer.
Now let's keep our heads.
What else do we need?
-Hats.
-Of course, hats.
-We don't want head colds.
-No.
Gentlemen always dress,
even on a tropical island.
-And this basket of fruit to eat.
-Of course.
l'll pick up a few blankets. No, wait.
The clock, so l'll know when it's bedtime.
Petrov, l know they've lowered our boat.
Take this. We may be stranded for a while.
Time will hang heavy on our hands.
-We will vary it with a little golf.
-A little golf, yes.
-Go ahead, Boat Station 4.
-Station 4. We got everything?
-Everything.
-Come on, don't forget the blanket.
-l'll get the blankets.
-And don't get excited, just follow me.
Come on, follow me.
Come on, Petrov, hurry up.
l'm all right. Don't get excited, anybody.
Everybody keep calm.
My boat's Number 4.
My boat's Number 4, where? Four?
All right, l'm here. Let it down.
What are you waiting for?
Miss Keene? She's back already?
Goody. Miss Keene's back.
Give me her key, will you, please?
Thank you, very much.
-Welcome home, l'm so happy to see you.
-Thank you, Cecil.
You're in sooner than we expected.
Are you alone?
Certainly, and who else
would be with me?
You are the one, miss,
keeping it a secret so long.
-There is no secret.
-No, not now but--
There never was.
Very well, miss.
l know professional people.
You'll find me the very soul of discretion.
Yes, indeed.
Just one moment, please.
l've got a surprise for you.
Voila!
-Jim, l'm so glad to see you.
-l received your cable, Linda.
You're looking very well, considering.
-You look grand, too, Jim.
-Thanks, l'm lucky that way.
Nothing shows in my face.
But why didn't you tell me, Linda?
Tell you? There's nothing to tell.
-Then somebody's wrong.
-Oh, that.
Lot of false malicious gossip.
Petrov? On his way up? Splendid.
-Cecil Flintridge.
-No, Jeffrey Baird.
l beg your pardon, Cecil Flintridge.
l beg your pardon, Jeffrey Baird.
No, Cecil Flintridge.
l don't like to disillusion you, old man,
but l am Jeffrey Baird, Petrov's manager.
And l am Cecil Flintridge.
You mean you are Cecil Flintridge?
-Yes, that's what l mean.
-Well, what of it?
What?
-Cecil of the hotel?
-Yes, of the hotel.
Of course. Well, how are you?
How are you? How do you do, indeed?
l've been at great pains
to make you and Mr. Petrov comfortable.
-Have you really? That's very kind.
-l thought it was kind of me.
Your suite is right next to
Mrs., or shall l say, Miss Keene?
Miss Keene? What!
You blundering blunderer!
Petrov.
-Do you know where we are?
-Wait a minute, don't tell me.
New York.
Yes. No, we're right next to Linda Keene.
-Good.
-That's what l thought.
Nobody's interested in what you think,
if you do.
l'm only trying to do my best, sir.
Do your next best and move us
to another part of this hotel.
Why shouldn't married people
have adjoining suites?
-Because they're not married.
-Not married?
Arthur.
Linda, l've only kept the roof open
in the hope you'd come back.
Since you left,
l haven't had one revue there.
l couldn't find a big enough name.
Arthur, l'm not that good.
You're right, Linda, you're not.
Seriously, the crowds who haven't been
on the roof since you left think you are.
-Arthur, l forgot to tell you something.
-What, Lynn?
l'm going to be married
to Jim Montgomery.
Well, l guess l'm licked.
lf you have your mind made up
that definitely...
there's nothing more l can say
to influence you.
No, l'm afraid there's not.
Except to wish me luck.
Well, you know l do, Lynn.
All the best, the very best.
Thank you, Arthur.
There's just one thing l insist
on doing for you.
What's that?
Give you and Jim a farewell dinner,
tonight, on the roof.
We'd love it.
So nice of you to think of Jim.
l think of him constantly.
We've had our dinner.
What are we doing up here?
You'll find out when l do.
Yes, Mr. Petrov,
Mr. Miller's expecting you.
This way, please.
-Take this to Evans.
-Yes, sir.
Thank you, Arthur.
And now, Miss Keene has graciously
consented to dance for us.
But not alone.
Those who've never seen
her famous partner...
have at least heard of him
quite a bit lately.
Petrov.
-What am l supposed to do?
-Twist.
l've got to keep
that marriage story alive, Charlie.
lt's the only way l can stop Lynn
from marrying Montgomery.
Then you'll have to get a new angle.
The newspapers are cold
on this secret marriage, it's too secret.
They've told the boys to lay off
unless they can furnish absolute proof.
lf l can only hang onto this combination.
The public would climb up
the side of the building...
to see Lynn and Petrov
dance together now.
-We've got to do something.
-Yeah.
Furnish the proof that they're married.
That ought to be easy.
l have an idea that's so dastardly,
it's beautiful.
You remember the dream idea
that sculptor sold us on for Lynn?
The one we spent $5,000 on
and never used?
Yes.
Here's where we're going to collect on it.
-Lynn never saw that model, did she?
-Not that l know of.
lt breaks my heart to do this...
but with a few slight changes, l'll turn
that dream stuff into a nightmare...
that'll make history.
Poor Lynn! Look.
-Good morning, Tai.
-Good morning, Miss Linda.
Have you no shame?
-Why, l--
-How can you look yourself in the face?
-But l--
-Here l emphatically deny your marriage...
to the boys and they flash
these pictures on me.
The humiliation of it.
Lynn, l never thought
you'd double-cross me.
Double-cross you? l didn't pose for those.
l suppose that's an old tintype
of your grandmother.
lt could be. lt's certainly not me.
Linda, l've trusted you.
l've done everything l could think of.
Didn't l even bless your proposed union
with Jim?
What a way to treat me, your best friend.
Don't go.
You're the only one who can help me.
l've done everything l could.
-But you've got to.
-Not anymore.
You must. All right, l'll sue the paper.
-l'll get to the bottom of these pictures.
-You mustn't get involved in this.
l can't let you down in this crisis.
l'll handle the whole thing for you.
Thank you, Arthur.
l knew you'd stand by me.
Get me Mr. Petrov.
Hello.
Oh, it's you.
Good morning.
How?
What?
Why, no, l haven't.
The papers?
l'll be right over.
What is the matter?
When you shout like that
you frighten me, old fellow.
Take a look at this, old fellow.
l read the paper this morning, Mr. Petrov.
You won't have to run
through the hallway anymore.
Compliments of the management.
Cad.
l suppose you're going to say
this is Jeffrey's fault.
l suppose you're going to say
this isn't you.
l can't very well, and neither can you.
Can you?
No.
You don't, by any chance,
walk in your sleep, do you?
What.... How can you say such a thing?
Well, it's my bed, and l'm asleep.
Hello. What?
You want a statement?
-Well, let me tell you, if you think--
-Wait a minute.
You'd better not say that.
lt might be libel.
Let me talk.
Maybe l can put it more gently.
Hello.
Who is this, please?
Oh, the editor.
Listen, you and that cheap outfit
that published those pictures.
l know, but wait a minute, l'm talking.
What?
Jim.
Jim, why didn't you phone?
l would've been dressed.
l suppose you've seen the morning paper?
Oh, that. Lies, ridiculous lies.
Now, Linda, l let you talk your way out
of that other picture...
but that's no joke sitting on that bed.
lt's you.
Me? That's not me.
Do you think l'd be caught dead
in that cheap negligee?
That's irrelevant.
ln the picture l'm looking at,
there's no corpse.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Jim, this is Mr. Petrov.
Mr. Petrov, this is Jim...
Jim Montgomery, my fiance.
You've heard of Mr. Petrov,
haven't you, dear?
Yes.
lsn't he the man
you were telling me about?
Yes, he's the one.
Yes, l'm the one.
l'm glad to see you, Mr. Montgomery.
Linda, the editor said he'll be very happy
to retract his statement...
but how about those pictures?
Yes, as l was saying,
how about those pictures?
Yes, how about those pictures?
Now, Linda, l don't want to upset you
or anything...
but don't you think this is a poor time
to announce our engagement?
l mean, couldn't we wait until
things get a little more straightened out?
Yes, Jim, of course, it's only fair to you.
Glad to have met you, Mr. Petrov.
Me, too, Mr. Montgomery.
Charming chap.
l'm awfully sorry, Linda,
but we'll manage this somehow.
But how?
Mr. Petrov, the lobby is simply bursting
with reporters.
They're on their way up, what shall l do?
Stall them off, Cecil.
-We'll sneak down the freight elevator.
-Stall them off.
Get dressed.
We'll meet in the park in 15 minutes.
All right.
Let's go back. l'm tired.
Gosh, l can't keep this up much longer.
l haven't been on skates since l was a kid.
-lt was your idea.
-Yeah.
How much longer do we have
to stay out here?
The reporters will probably leave by dark.
l guess it would look kind of funny...
if we denied the marriage now,
wouldn't it?
l don't know what to do.
l don't either.
The word is ''either.''
All right.
The word is ''either.''
No use squabbling.
That'll get neither of us anyplace.
The word is ''neither.''
Yes, it was my idea.
-Have you any more of them?
-No.
Read all about the secret marriage!
Paper, read all about the secret marriage!
Did you hear that?
We're about the only two people
in the world...
who don't think we're married.
We don't ''think'' we're not.
We both ''know'' we're not.
Except me.
l'm beginning to have my doubts.
Don't tell me l have to convince you, too,
that we're not married.
We might just as well be.
We certainly can't afford to deny it
in the face of those pictures.
No, l'm afraid not.
The only difference between us
and other married people is...
that we can't even get a divorce.
lf l really could get a divorce from you
before l marry Jim...
that would put a stop
to all these embarrassing falsehoods.
lt certainly would.
Peter, you've got to marry me.
Why, Linda, this is so sudden.
lf we get married now, l could start
divorce proceedings in the morning.
l don't know.
You got me into all this,
the very least you could do is marry me.
lt wasn't my fault
any more than it was yours.
All right, it's my fault...
but you've just got to marry me.
l'd like to think it over.
But why? There's nothing to think over.
All right.
But where can we get a license?
Everybody in New York knows us now.
-Why don't you try New Jersey?
-Thanks.
The name of the bride is?
My real name is Linda Thompson.
And the name of the groom is?
Peter P. Peters.
l beg your pardon...
but what are grounds for divorce
in this state?
Marriage.
Good afternoon.
Lady Tarrington, your suite is ready.
Will you announce me to Mr. Petrov?
-ls Mr. Petrov expecting you?
-Yes, indeed.
Room 2601 .
l'll have you announced.
Petrov, where are you?
Why didn't you telephone?
lt's not Petrov. lt's the desk.
What do you want?
Lady Tarrington?
Yes, have her come right up.
Did you say Lady Tarrington?
Oh, my word, she can't come up here.
Tell her to go back to Paris.
She's already on her way up?
lt's calamitous.
Oh, dear, let me talk to the floor manager.
Cecil Flintridge speaking.
lt's you, Mr. Baird.
How are you?
That doesn't matter.
Now, you stop asking questions and listen.
There is a woman on her way up here...
who started the whole silly rumor
about Petrov's marriage.
Yes, l said ''rumor.''
-Did you say ''rumor''?
-Yes, l said ''rumor''! They are not married!
Denise. lt's you.
-So, they are not married.
-Yes.
That is, not exactly. No.
My journey is going to be more exciting
than l thought.
Oh, dear, you.... You're not going to....
Yes, indeed l am.
That's Petrov now.
l don't wish to shilly-shally,
but l want to know once and for all...
is Petrov married or is Petrov not married?
Yes, he is not.
Johnson.
Change that lock!
Gardenias, 10 cents.
Right here, please.
A corsage for the bride.
-lt's all right.
-Thank you, sir.
Tomorrow, we'll be all straightened out.
You'll be on your way,
and l'll be on my way.
Where?
l've got to get back
to being a bachelor again.
Sort of catch up with my usual gay life.
Forget all this.
l hope you enjoy your gaiety.
Thanks. l hope you enjoy your divorce.
Thanks.
l didn't know getting married
was so depressing.
l'm sorry now l asked you.
That's all right. l'll get over it.
Of course.
l guess the honeymoon's over.
Wouldn't you like to come in for a drink?
No, l don't think so.
Good night.
Maybe you'd prefer a cigarette
or something?
No. Thanks just the same.
l just wanted to thank you for everything.
You're welcome.
Good night.
Sorry.
lt's way past my bedtime.
Good night, Linda.
Come in.
lt's you, Cecil.
Yes, may l come in?
lsn't it way past your bedtime?
Yes, but l haven't been able
to sleep a wink.
l've been waiting up to see you.
-To see me?
-Yes, l....
l must acquaint you
with the varying state of my mind.
lt feels like a veritable pendulum,
to and fro.
Then a moment later, it swings fro and to.
Tell me, Miss Keene, are you Mrs. Petrov?
Or should l say...
Mrs. Petrov, are you Miss Keene?
l'll tell you, Cecil. We are married.
Mrs. Petrov, my best congratulations.
Thank you.
Now l can go to bed
with a clear conscience.
So can l.
Mrs. Petrov, l hope you will forgive me...
but in the storm and stress
of other circumstances...
l rather willfully changed the lock.
But may l present you with this?
Shall we call it
the new key to your happiness?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good night.
Come in.
Peter.
Why, Denise. Look, you can't come in here.
Why?
Afraid your wife will object?
Yes, exactly.
Peter, please.
Think of a new one.
But l'm married, really.
Save your breath, Pete.
Jeffrey told me the truth.
But even Jeffrey doesn't know.
Are you sure your wife knows?
Please go away, will you?
l don't believe you.
And l won't budge
under any circumstances.
Peter, you're so worked up.
And l love it.
Linda.
-Wait a minute.
-Yes, don't go.
This is Lady Tarrington.
This is my wife, Mrs.... Miss Keene.
l've heard about you.
l hadn't heard about you.
Why have you been so secretive
about this one, Peter?
l didn't think you'd be interested.
How silly of you.
l imagine Lady Tarrington
is quite charming...
when you get to know her.
Yes, she is, l mean....
Then, you really are married to Peter?
Yes, really.
-Do you mind?
-No.
But l do think it'd be awfully pleasant...
if you would divorce him.
No, l'm sure l'll never divorce him.
You know, you're a lot more intelligent
than you look.
Why, thank you.
l wish l could say the same of you.
Good night.
Tai!
l'm sorry, Peter.
No, don't apologize.
You've really done me a great favor.
l certainly didn't mean to.
-Bon voyage,
-Are you going away?
No, but l thought maybe you were.
-l'll send for you, Tai.
-Yes, Miss Linda.
-Good luck, Peter.
-Thanks, Denise.
Linda, Linda darling, she's gone.
May l come in just long enough
to tell you...
how happy l am
that you're not divorcing me?
At least, tell me where you are going.
All right, Linda, if that's the way
you feel about it.
Good luck and bless you.
-Now, what?
-Linda, she's walked out.
This time for good.
For whose good?
Not yours or your creditors'.
-Creditors?
-Yeah, creditors.
You know, the people who come up
because the customers didn't.
This is Arthur Miller.
Send up a case of champagne.
Arthur, have you heard from Linda?
-She just phoned.
-Where is she?
She wouldn't tell me
but left a message for you.
Something about a Lady Tarrington...
and that she was going through
with the divorce as planned.
Why didn't you do something to stop her?
l'm all worn out
stopping her marriage to Montgomery.
What did you do to stop
her marrying him?
Don't you read the papers?
l proved she was married to you
so she couldn't marry him.
-You proved?
-Yes.
You took those pictures. How?
As long as she wasn't
marrying Montgomery...
l thought l could get her in my revue.
But no, you had to horn in.
-So now l've lost her.
-You mean l've lost her.
Petrov!
You're here. Let me tell you....
How do you do, Miss Keene?
You may be interested to learn
that we have no show.
Shake hands with Arthur, he hasn't either.
Really, l'm glad.
The Metropolitan has cancelled
our engagement...
because of the scandalous notoriety...
occasioned by your association
with that woman.
Oh, my word, she's fainted.
lt's just a dummy.
l know she's a dummy.
l've said so all along.
A tap-dancing dummy.
You mean a dumb dummy, of course.
That picture in the paper....
You know where we are, don't you?
We're right here in New York
on a wild goose chase...
with a whole company of ballet artists
and no show.
All because of you
and your practical dummy jokes.
Say, maybe Arthur and l can help you out.
Maybe we could use your boy in our show.
My what?
What do you say, buddy?
Suppose we could find a spot for you?
You vandal.
Petrov, the great Petrov,
in one of your cheap medicine shows.
What's the matter, Pete?
You look worried.
l'm still trying to get an idea for the ballet.
-There's just something missing.
-Yeah, Linda Keene.
There's a man outside
who wants to see Mr. Petrov.
He looks like a process server.
Shall l let him in?
Nobody is to go near Petrov.
Those are my orders.
-Yeah, but the man insists if he don't see--
-Arthur.
l'm going to dance with Linda Keene.
-ls she back?
-No, but that wax figure gave me an idea.
We'll have masks made to look like her.
lf l can't dance with one Linda,
l'll dance with dozens.
l think you've got something.
The man says
that if he don't see Mr. Petrov--
You go out and tell the man you're Petrov.
-Like a game, you mean?
-Yes, like a game.
What's troubling you, my good fellow?
Are you Peter P. Peters, known as Petrov?
What an amusing alliteration.
l am.
Here's a present for you.
Thank you very much.
Now l begin to see the idea of the game.
You see, l'm not Peter P. Peters,
neither am l Petrov.
Wise guy, eh?
Leave these premises at once.
l'm waiting to speak
with Mr. Arthur Miller.
l'll speak with Mr. Jeffrey Baird.
This is Cecil Flintridge.
Yes, l'll wait.
Hello.
Hello, Jeffrey. Yes, are you there?
Of course, l'm here.
Now, don't shout at me. l'm in jail.
That's all right. We don't need you.
l'm in jail for battery
and l want you to get me out.
l'm at the Susquehanna Street Jail.
Susquehanna.
S-U-S-Q-U....
''Q! ''
You know, the thing
you play billiards with.
Billiards!
B-l-L-L--
What is this, a spelling bee?
No, ''L'' for larynx.
L-A-R-Y-N....
No, not ''M,'' ''N.''
''N'' as in neighbor.
Neighbor. N-E-l-G-H-B....
''B.''
You know, the stinging insect.
lnsect!
l-N-S....
''S! ''
''S'' for symbol.
S-Y....
''Y! ''
Why? Don't ask me why.
Look, Jeffrey, l'm in jail.
Wait a minute.
What jail did you say this was?
Susquehanna Street Jail.
Thank you indeed, thank you very much.
l'm in the.... The....
Jeffrey, listen closely.
Do you know where the Oak Street Jail is?
You do? Fine.
l'll have them transfer me there
in the morning!
Look, Linda, l insist that you give up
this idea of making a spectacle of yourself.
Yes, Miss Keene, it was
entirely unnecessary for you to return.
-Our men will serve Petrov.
-Your men have had their chance.
Besides, l'll derive a great deal of pleasure
in serving this summons personally.
Linda.
-lt was swell of you to come.
-Hello, Arthur.
l want you to meet my attorney,
Mr. Russell.
-How do you do?
-How do you do?
He said if he couldn't dance with you,
he'd dance with images of you.
Arthur, take me backstage.
Why, Mrs. Petrov.
Or should l say Miss Keene?
Hello, you're back. What do you want?
What's the matter, Cecil?
Arthur, please.
English