1
- Life has
a way of catching up to you,
especially when you
least expect it.
That's always been
the case for me.
- Hey baby, little baby!
Let's get him!
Welcome to my existence.
- Get him!
- Stop it!
- You like that?
- Life as a
kid was never a bed of roses.
And when I think back, they
were not the best of times.
- Geek!
- And
definitely not my most fondest.
- Hey dick weed.
Wedgie!
- Yeah, those
were times that I'd prefer
to forget and leave dormant
in the back of my mind.
- Having fun, jerk wad?
- I've always
imagined being cool.
Mm, ladies.
Whatever that was.
But as long as I can remember,
I was anything but cool.
Five.
Oh god.
Some of this, some of that.
Some of that.
Boom.
And that's when I
discovered The Mack.
- And never forget.
- The
greatest blaxploitation movie
of all time, with Max
Julien and Carol Speed.
Hands down, the best
pimp movie ever.
- And it's gonna
continue straight ahead.
Until somebody out there
turns out the lights
on this small planet.
- Can you dig it?
- Can you dig it?
- Yeah, yeah.
I can dig it, yeah.
- Right on.
- Right on, right on.
Some kids wanted to be
doctors, firemen, or policemen.
I wanted to be a pimp.
Woo, woo.
A P-I-M-P, baby.
It's actually pretty easy to do.
After a quick stop
at the thrift shop,
wearin' your grandpa's
clothes, it was on.
New pants for me.
All right, all right.
Hey, I see you, I
see you, Paulie.
Hey man, wanna give it a pound?
That's okay, you
don't have to do that.
Hey girl.
Can you dig it?
Yeah, I like your
smile, that's okay.
Mmkay, how we
doin', how we doin'?
Hey playas.
- Let's get him.
- Okay, yeah.
That wasn't workin'
out for me either.
For a guy like me, all was lost.
The closest I got to
getting a hot chick
was Miss August,
Jennifer Wilson.
I was so bad.
Jonah, open the door!
- I'm brushin' my teeth!
- Mom, Jonah's
jerking off again!
Jesus, for the love of God.
Jonah, open the door!
- You interrupting is just
gonna make this last longer.
Mom!
Mom!
- Jonah, not on my good towels!
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
Jonah, open the door!
Jonah!
Hurry.
Jonah!
Jonah, open the damn door!
Jonah, right now!
I swear to God if you don't
come out of here right now I'm--
- The emergence of the internet
and social media was
a major game-changer.
It created millionaires and
billionaires over night.
With sites like MySpace,
Google, Facebook, BlackPlanet,
I loved BlackPlanet.
And Twitter?
Being a geek was now cool.
At 18, I got recruited to work
for a big software company.
By the time I was
21, I was loaded.
And boy did my life change.
Who got shots?
Who's tryin' to
get me drunk, okay?
I was a rockstar.
We're gonna cheers this.
The high school jocks
were just dumb fucks
looking for a job.
- Ooh.
- All right, let's do it.
My time had finally come.
I decided that I was
gonna make my mark
and capitalize on this new
trend and start my own business.
It was time for me to step
up and find my stride.
Be my own man.
That's when I met
the first Sharon.
Knew you were a city girl
Hair pulled back,
designer pearls
Late night club and
some backseat love, yeah
When you're around, babe,
you know I can't get enough
Know you gotta
get up early, baby
Gettin' tired of
that nine to five
Let me treat you like a lady
Won't you take some
time to live your life
Knew you were the best
I see the way you finesse
Can't get you outta my head
That's why I wanted
you bad, yeah
When I'm with you
All I wanna do, baby,
is talk about you
Come around and
dance with me
Baby, it's true
I'm gonna give you
a chance to leave
So what you wanna
do baby, do baby
Oh
Your eyes, they're shinin'
bright like diamonds
We so fly, but we
could go higher
Anything you want, babe
I can show you I've got
A little bit in a minute
You know you
can't lose with me
- I was
looking for real estate
to start a new venture
that's how I got entangled
with Sharon Clark.
I call her Sharon One.
Can't get you outta my head
That's why I wanted
you bad, yeah
- Hey.
When I'm with you
- Hi, how's it goin'?
- Good.
So, I think you're
gonna love this place.
It's got all the amenities
you were looking for.
It's got a large bullpen.
It's very creative.
It's artsy.
It's quirky, just like you.
- You know me well.
- So after this viewing,
what are you doin'?
- I don't know.
What'd you have in mind?
- Yeah, keep going.
Yeah.
Oh my god, right there.
Can you believe it?
That's me.
Man, how things have changed.
- Keep going.
- Jonah.
- Whoa, man, are you okay?
- She's
cheating on me.
She's fucking cheating on me.
I, I caught her red-handed.
- Heather?
- Yeah.
- With who?
- With the fucking doing
next door neighbor, man.
The guy who moved in
like two months ago.
- I thought you said he was gay.
- Yeah, obviously he is not.
- But Heather?
- Yeah.
- Really, of all people?
I mean, what is this
world coming to?
- It's going down
the fucking shitter.
I gave that girl everything,
and she gave me heartburn.
Fuck her!
- Don't say that.
- Fuck you, I'm saying it.
You always say you wanna have
what I have by being in love.
Well, this is it.
This is what it
fucking looks like!
This!
You give your heart to a woman,
and she just crushes it.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I, I am devastated, man.
I wanted to marry that girl.
Poor Drew.
I know that feeling.
I remember the first
woman I had sex with.
The first woman that
took my virginity.
I was so in love.
I think I cried the
first time we had sex.
- You gonna love me!
- I love you!
Her name was Tisha LaQuanda
Demetria hyphen Jones.
- You gonna love me!
I got the goods.
- I loved that girl.
- Do you like this?
- Yeah.
- Do you want more?
- Yeah, please.
- What's my name?
- Tisha.
- What's my name?
- Your name is Tisha LaQuanda!
- You better tell me my name!
- Tisha LaQuanda!
- Say it again!
- Tisha LaQuanda!
- You gonna love me.
- I love you.
- You gonna love me.
- Yeah, okay, oh god.
- I got the goods, yeah.
- That's when I
knew I was in love.
Because at that moment,
I started to cry.
That was the first time I
cried, but not the last.
She broke up with me.
Found some hot Swedish guy.
Tisha, Tisha, please don't go.
- I gotta go.
- But I love you!
- I know, everybody
loves Tisha LaQuanda.
I got the goods.
But I gotta move on, I gotta go.
Who'd he think he was
Runnin' around town with
my name on his tongue
Is he really
- Tisha!
Tisha LaQuanda!
You my shortie.
- Do you have any ice cream?
- I got smoothies.
Yeah?
- I'll
take a smoothie.
- Come on, let's get
you a smoothie, huh?
Where you goin'
so early, Cooper?
I'll see you, I'm seeing
you at three, right?
Hey, how are ya?
- Jonah.
- My man, how we
doin' there, you good?
- Yeah, but not as
good as you, right?
- Oh yeah.
Being popular was
a new phenomenon.
Hey guys.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- In what universe
would I be popular?
Who is that in my office?
Hi.
- Oh.
So sorry.
Just checking out the view.
- Yeah, I can see that.
- I'm Sharon Lee.
You're supposed to be training
me in the next few weeks.
- Yes, right.
That was today.
Sorry, yeah, I'm Jonah.
I am Jonah Smith.
- Nice to meet you.
I guess I should give
you your desk back.
- That would be great.
Thank you.
Psychologists say
that women know
if they will sleep with a man
within moments of meeting him.
It's biochemical
synergy, pheromones.
The chemical secretion
released by the opposite sex
that enhances
physical attraction.
- I'm all yours.
- Who's that?
- That's just my
business advisor.
She advises me on business.
And other things.
Hi.
Final paperwork?
- It sure is.
- Awesome.
- Oh, you have company.
Hi, I'm Sharon.
- What a coincidence.
I'm Sharon, too.
That's how she got her name:
Sharon Two.
- Oh wow, you're a Sharon.
What are the chances?
- Yeah.
Sharon, this is Sharon.
She's replacing me.
Right from the training
program and into the fire.
I'll be your guide, though.
- Wow, well, congratulations.
Very exciting.
It's a great gig.
- Thank you.
I'm really looking
forward to it.
- Could we have
one second, Sharon?
- Sure, no problem.
- Thank you.
So, that's your replacement?
- Yeah.
- She's beautiful.
- What, what does that mean?
- Come on, Jonah, you're
already sleeping with her?
That is unbelievable.
- I'm not.
I'm totally not.
I just met her like
a couple seconds ago.
- Well, what do I know?
You do move fast.
But this has no concern to me.
I'm not your girl.
Sign here.
The space is all yours,
and you're on your way.
Congratulations.
- Thank you very much.
- Well, let me not keep you
from training your replacement.
We're still on for
tonight, right?
To celebrate?
- Absolutely.
- Great, see you then.
See, now that's
how you celebrate.
- Yeah, it is.
- Well, I better get outta here.
I hate to hit and run.
- What are you talkin' about,
you always hit and run.
- Um.
You know, actually, I don't
have anything to do tonight.
If you wanna maybe
order some Chinese food
and watch some TV?
- Oh.
Uh.
- No, you know what,
forget about it.
- You sure?
- Yeah, no, you have things to
do, and I have things to do.
So it's not a big deal.
- Okay, all right.
- No biggie.
No biggie.
Okay, well, I guess
I'll call you again
when I need some again, huh?
- Like always.
- What is that?
I have no idea.
- Will you do something?
- Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, hold on.
- It's over there.
- Yeah.
- Jonah, the arm.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Drew?
What the hell are
you doin' here, man?
I almost Louisville
Slugger'd you.
- What do you mean
what am I doing here?
You said I could stay
here for a couple of days
until I figured something out.
- Yes, I did say that.
I said that, sorry.
- Sharon.
- Drew, how are you?
- I am terrible, thank you.
- Okay.
- His girlfriend
is cheating on him.
- Tell the whole
world, why don't you.
- Sorry.
- Okay.
- Are you going to use that bat,
or can I use it to
smash my brains out?
- I'm just gonna go.
- No.
No, okay, yeah, I'll see you.
- All right, bye.
- Sharon.
- I'll call you.
- Is that how you cry?
It's amazing how people
are always in a hurry,
always rushing to get
somewhere in life.
You have to wonder,
what's it all for?
- What's the progress report?
How am I doing?
- Ooh, do I wanna be honest?
- Brutally.
- I don't think you need
me anymore.
I think you're ready.
- Thanks.
So that's basically it.
My parents put me
through private school,
and I rewarded them with a
full scholarship to college.
And here I am, on
my way to the top.
Tech world is small,
so me taking your job,
that's good stuff.
- Yeah, that's awesome.
- Let's get off topic
a little bit here.
- Okay, yeah.
- How long have you been
screwing your business advisor?
Are you okay?
- Yeah, sorry, just, wrong pipe.
Thank you.
- I can be too direct.
- Patron helps.
Thanks.
- So, how long?
- What makes
you think I'm having sex
with my business advisor?
- By the way you
two were looking
at each other the other day.
You two couldn't hide the fact
that you guys are fucking,
even if you tried.
- Well, for your information,
I am not F-wording
my business advisor.
- Why not?
She's hot.
A little old, but
still very hot.
Is she good?
- Really?
You're being serious?
- You can admit it.
You're a grown man having
a grownup conversation
with a grown woman.
You could be honest with me.
- No.
Hmm-mm.
I don't like to mix
business with pleasure.
- Well, I think
it's time you did.
- Excuse me?
- Let's be honest.
This job is stressful and
demands a lot of time.
Which means any chance
of developing an
outside relationship
with a decent individual
is slime to none.
And since we're only
gonna be working together
for another two,
2 1/2 weeks tops,
why not?
I'm not talking love, just
a matter of convenience.
A release.
I think a little business
with pleasure is good.
So.
What do you think?
- Your place or mine.
Two Sharons in one week.
What are the odds of that?
I'm a Trekkie, so
if I was Mr. Spock,
I would calculate it as being,
man, I'm weird sometimes.
The things I think
about while having sex.
Is it normal to think about
so many different things
while having sex?
It's like my
pseudo-mentor Tyrone said.
- Listen up, Young Blood.
The key to bein' a good lover,
maintainin' and not
bustin' prematurely,
you wanna know what it is?
- Yes, please.
- Oh, good, 'cause
I'm finna tell ya.
- Okay.
- While you all up in
there, gettin' it on,
got your groove goin'
and feelin' good,
don't ever, like Andre
3000 say, ever-ever--
- Ever-ever.
- Don't ever think
about how good it feels.
That's a no-no.
You think about your car.
And then think about what
you're gonna do tomorrow.
Organizing your taxes.
Anything but what you're doing.
Man, you've gotta
distract your mind.
- I need to distract my mind.
- It's all about the mind.
'Cause while she's all
into it and goin' crazy,
you've got to keep
your concentration.
You've got to keep
your game on tight.
- I've gotta keep it tight.
- You've got to hold your load.
- I'm gonna hold it.
- You don't wanna
be no minute man.
- No.
- The key is, think
about somethin' else.
- Wait.
Is it odd, me thinking
about a black guy
while having sex
with a hot girl?
Yeah, that's kinds weird.
Okay, somethin' else.
What am I gonna eat
for lunch tomorrow?
- Oh.
- Oh my god.
- Okay, get up.
Get off me.
- Okay.
- Wow, Jonah.
You are good.
But now you gotta go.
- Already?
- Let me catch my
breath first, huh?
- No can do, Jonah.
No can do.
I need my beauty rest.
And American Idol's on
in 15 minutes, so hey.
Come on!
Let's go!
- Okay!
Okay.
- Bye, I'll see you tomorrow.
- Yeah, yeah, okay, I'll, uh--
- Thanks.
- I'll see you tomorrow at--
I guess you can say,
from that point on,
Sharon Two and I developed a
particular after-work routine.
- I'm stressed.
- Look at me!
- I'm looking at you.
I'm looking.
- Look at me!
- Look, I can't
without my glasses.
No idea what that means.
- Don't stop!
- Okay, yeah, great.
- What are you doing later?
Oh yeah.
Uh-huh.
Oh, uh-huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Yeah, oh my god, to the left.
The the left.
- There?
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
- Do the swirl.
- Okay.
- Oh, do it right.
You better do it right.
- Do it right.
- Do it right!
- So why don't you hand
it to me, I'll review it,
and I'm sure it's
gonna be great.
Uh, and we'll see where
to take it from there.
- That sounds good.
I'm gonna go to the restroom.
- Deal.
Okay, cool.
- Okay.
Bye.
- I'll see at lunch.
Bye.
Energy supplements are crucial
when engaging in copulation
at such high
frequencies as I was.
This is enough, right?
Who was I kidding.
I couldn't keep up this pace.
I needed a getaway.
- Hello, would you like
another cappuccino?
Okay, awesome.
- And just when I thought
I'd found the perfect
hideaway spot, it happened.
That's when I ran into her.
- Awesome.
- Or
rather, she ran into me.
- Oh my gosh, I am so sorry.
I cannot believe I just--
- That's all right,
it's all right, it's--
- No, no, it's not all right.
I've ruined your jacket.
I will pay for the dry cleaning.
- It's not a big
deal, it's fine.
It's okay, really, it's okay.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Don't leave.
Um, let me make it up to you.
- It's okay, it's cool.
Thank you, though.
- Are you sure?
I mean the coffee here is great.
And we have the best
red velvet whoopie pies.
And the absolute best retro
psychedelic feel ever.
- What movie is that?
- Dolemite.
Rudy Ray Moore.
- Yeah.
- It's badass.
We've got kung-fu,
even Elvis flicks.
Everything retro.
That's when I knew
she was something special.
- For fuckin' with
me, you no-business,
born-insecure motherfuckers.
- Hi, sorry.
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry.
I, I cannot that I
just did that again.
- Okay, it's good coffee.
Yeah, and the whoopie
pie's delicious, too.
Look, I know you
guys just opened.
You probably just
started workin' here.
But I gotta talk to the manager.
I'm sorry.
- No, I, I totally understand.
Just give me two seconds
and I'll get her,
okay?
- All right.
- I'm really sorry, I just...
Hi, I'm the manager.
- You're the manager?
- And the owner.
How are you, sir?
- This is your place.
- Yep, all mine.
I'm really sorry, again, for
just spilling coffee on you
and putting a whoopie
pie in your lap.
Just give me one
more chance, okay.
I feel terrible.
- Yeah, one more chance.
One more chance.
- Sometimes third
time's the charm.
- Yeah, sometimes.
- I, uh, I didn't
catch your name.
- Sorry, I'm Jonah.
- Hi Jonah, I'm--
- Sharon, three.
- Her
name was Sharon Hudson.
But I just called
her Sharon Three.
- Three what?
- The guy's coming
tomorrow at three
to fix the wireless router.
- Three, I need him
to come earlier.
Okay, not your fault.
Just hold on one second, okay.
Um, I will be right
back with your coffee.
I just need to handle that,
otherwise I'm gonna have to
take down that free Wi-Fi sign.
- Okay.
What are the odds of
having not one or two
but three hot
Sharons in my life.
What is the universe
trying to tell me.
- Hey, steady feet.
- Uh-oh.
- Steady feet.
- Here she comes.
Here she comes, almost there.
You're almost there.
- Almost there.
- Hey.
- Ta-da.
- There you go.
- Third time's the charm.
And I brought you some of these.
- Thank you.
- You might need a couple.
- Thanks.
- The very least I can do
is pay for your dry cleaning.
- Hmm-mm, not a big deal.
Um.
But I have been
thinkin' about a way
maybe you could pay me back.
- Is that so?
- Yeah, yeah, sit
down, hear me out.
Just give me a couple minutes.
- You've got two,
it's gettin' busy.
All right, now, how do you
propose I pay you back?
- Have dinner.
- Really?
- With a friend of mine.
- Your friend?
- Yeah, hear me out.
Look, he's not ugly, okay.
He's not a loser or
anything like that.
He's just been
buried in his work
and he hasn't really hit
the dating game in awhile.
Like two weeks.
- Two weeks?
- Two years.
Two years.
Did I say two weeks?
I meant two years.
It just feels like yesterday
that he was banngin' on my
door, crying his eyes out.
- Oh, that's awful.
- Yeah, it is terrible.
And I think you
might be the girl
to break him out of his funk.
This is just a date.
You're acting like you're
goin' to the dentist.
- I keep telling you that I'm
not ready to be dating again.
- Okay, well, we're gonna
have to do somethin' here.
Okay, you've gotta get
your mind of of Heather.
And this girl,
okay, she's sharp.
She's pretty.
She owns her own business.
Okay, she's got
her act together.
Hey, if anything, you
should be thanking me
for hooking you guys up.
She's perfect.
- Well, if she's so perfect,
why aren't you dating her?
- I mean, I could, I could.
I just, I'm not ready
to date a girl like her.
Not yet anyway.
- That's interesting.
So what makes you
think that I'm ready
to date a girl like that?
- Well,.
- Exactly.
I'm outta here.
- Hold up, man, where are goin'?
- I'm getting out of here,
would you let go of me, please.
- No, man, not yet.
I mean, you have to
meet her at least.
- I'm out, and you know what?
Her name is Sharon,
okay, it's weird.
It's like that name is
your fetish or something.
- Maybe that was it.
Some people have a hand
fetish or a feet fetish.
Could it be that I
have a name fetish?
Drew, stop.
I will kick you out of my house
if you do not meet this girl.
- Get off of me!
- I'm getting off of you.
Sit down.
You're gonna have one drink.
- You're crazy.
I've had nine.
Just get off me.
- No, man.
- We look crazy right now.
- You
two do look crazy.
Hi.
- Hi, this isn't
what it looks like.
- I couldn't even guess
what this looks like.
And I'm sorry I was
late, by the way.
Hi Jonah.
- Hi Sharon, how are you?
- I'm good.
I'm really, really good.
- Um, this is the great guy
I was telling you about.
- Right.
- Drew.
Drew, this is the
lovely lady, Sharon.
- Hi Drew, it's, uh,
nice to meet you.
- Sorry, he's being kind
of a dickhead right now.
- I'm sorry, Sharon.
And I'm sorry, Jonah.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I don't, I don't
belong here, okay.
I need to, I need
to get out of here.
- Hey buddy--
- Don't touch me!
- Sorry.
- So.
So that's Drew.
- Yep.
- We should get him, right?
- Yeah, yeah, sorry.
Drew!
- Okay, so what
I was saying was,
is I don't think you
should be scared at all.
- Whoa, hold on, I'm not scared.
I'm nervous, okay.
I mean, cut me some slack.
I'm leaving a very comfortable
job for the, for the unknown.
- That's the fun part.
I mean, the unknown
is the fun part.
- Yeah.
- Three years ago, I said,
I'm gonna open up
my own coffee shop.
Now look at me.
Three years and like
five, six months later,
I have my very own
retro coffee shop.
- Well, that's awesome.
That's awesome.
- Well, thanks.
- Yeah.
- You know, I had a great
job, too, that I just left.
You know, sometimes you've
just gotta jump out there, man.
You've just gotta do it,
you know?
- Yeah.
- You've gotta
follow your heart.
You've gotta do what
you love, Jonah.
- Yeah, okay, okay.
- Yeah.
I'm being serious.
- I know you are, I
know, I appreciate that.
Now, normally, when I feel
this attracted to someone,
this connected, it's
time to have sex.
The fact is, guys have
two speeds: on and off.
There's no middle ground.
But the weird thing was,
I didn't wanna have sex.
I just wanted to look at her.
- Damn.
Sound like you in
love, Young Blood.
- No.
- No?
The only time
a man wanna listen
to what the hell a
woman got to say is
if he's tryin' to get
some or he's in love.
Now, here's the rule,
this is how you know.
If you just finished
havin' sex with her
and you're still interested in
what the fuck she got to say,
well, here you go home skillet.
You in love.
- I'm
in love right now.
Can you twerk it, baby?
Make it clap, baby.
Oh my lord.
Oh, I gotta tell you, this
was a great idea, man.
You really know how to
make a brother feel better.
- There you go.
I got you, big guy.
- I'm in love with you.
Are you married?
- The thing about vinyl,
the music just sounds different.
Real, authentic.
So when I need to think,
it's not CDs or MP3s,
it's plain old fashioned vinyl.
Analog rules.
There's something about old
music, in a time before my time,
that just intrigues me.
Sharon Three.
I gotta see her again.
I'd be better
- Hey.
- Are you serious?
I've been calling you.
Where have you been?
- Sorry, I've just kinda
been listenin' to music.
I mustn't have heard.
I need you.
Get over here.
- Honestly, I'm
kinda just plannin'
on maybe stayin'
in for the night.
- Jonah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
I'll, uh, I'll be right over.
You punch a clock,
I'm frontin' pot
I guess that
make me criminal
So, yeah, Mary, my boss
- What are you
tryin' to do to me?
Starve me?
- Cried before.
Hildy?
- I thought you were
really sending me away
with Bruce.
- Um, move.
- How do I look?
- You look great.
- I do?
- Absolutely.
Now can you please move?
- Yeah, sorry, yeah, man.
- We're
coming over to the office.
You could be managing editor.
- You're okay with me goin'
out with her tonight, right?
- Dude, why would
I have a problem with that?
- Because, you know, I
tried to set you guys up.
I don't want you to think
I'm stabbin' you in the back.
- Oh, dude, really, seriously?
Please go out, have a good time.
You guys are perfect
for each other.
I saw the chemistry,
and now you're in
front of the TV again.
Okay, I'm trying
to distract my mind
with my man Cary Grant here.
So if you could
just please move.
- Moving, yes.
Moving, got it, okay.
Hey, thank you.
Wish me luck.
- Good luck.
- You're the man.
- Well, isn't
that a coincidence.
We're going to Albany,
I wonder if Bruce
can put us up.
- Where is that maid?
I need a bosom to cry into.
- Oh, oh-oh-oh, watch this part.
I love this part.
Ready?
He's got that crazy
look in his eye.
Wait for it, wait for it.
Ready, here he goes.
- I'm waiting.
- Oh, that is so tight.
- That was wicked.
- Wicked!
I love that.
Can we see that part again?
- Hell yeah.
- Hell yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay, okay.
- Yeah, cue it up.
- One more time.
- Mm-hmm.
- And again.
It's so cool.
Watch this, he's
gonna clock him.
Check it out.
- Uh-huh, mm-hmm.
- All of them.
- Oh!
- Lookit, ready?
All of his teeth.
Gosh, it really gets better,
even the second time.
- How's that?
- Got him?
Yeah, I got him.
I got him.
- Really, though, Crouching
Tiger, Hidden Dragon,
best kung-fu movie
of modern times.
- Best?
The best?
- Oh, Jonah, come on.
I love the classics, like,
like Bruce Lee in The Big Boss
or Jackie Chan in Snake
in the Eagle's Shadow.
- Totally, totally.
- I mean, Yuen Biao
in the Prodigal Son.
- Prodigal Son, totally.
- Of course, yes, of course.
- Absolutely, yes, okay.
- Oh my god.
Leung Kar Yan in
Legend of a Fighter.
- I fucking love
Legend of a Fighter.
- Really?
- Are you kidding me?
Yes.
- Oh my gosh.
I love that movie.
- Yes.
- It is one of
my all-time favorites.
- I love all the classics,
though, man, any genre.
I feel like I have an
old soul, you know.
I think I was reincarnated
from the '70s.
- Oh my gosh, me too.
I mean, I literally, I say
that all the time, you know.
It was such a chill
time to have lived.
- Yes.
Yes, thank you!
I mean, the clothes
and the style
and the language,
the whole thing.
- Oh my gosh, I know, right?
Oh, so good.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Okay, I am just
gonna go straight to
elephant in the room.
- There's an
elephant in the room?
I didn't see, where
is, where's he at?
- Okay.
Here it is.
Are you single?
- At that moment, I
could have been honest
and avoided potential heartache
and just been upfront.
But instead I said,
yep.
Yeah.
Single.
Uh, what about you?
- I am single also.
- Interesting, interesting.
- I mean, are you, like,
you know, talking to anyone
or have any of those,
like, casual relationships?
I mean, totally fine if you are.
You know, just asking and
only curious, you know.
I just wanna know.
You know, you can totally
be honest with me.
I am a, I'm a big girl.
- Yeah.
Honestly, I have been so
focused on my career, I haven't,
it's hard to meet people.
I don't have the time.
- We're in the same
boat, you and I.
- Yeah?
- I mean, you're right.
It is really hard to meet people
when you're busy all the time.
- Yeah.
- I mean, before tonight,
I haven't been in a
restaurant in like six months.
- Are you kidding me?
That's crazy.
- I know, right?
- I, like,
live in restaurants.
- What, what do you do?
Like, eat by yourself
or something?
- No, yeah, I
mean, I do takeout.
Fact: when you tell one lie,
you have to tell two
to cover up the first.
But when you start down that
road, like a rollercoaster,
there's no stopping until
the end of the ride.
I hated lying to her, man.
- And yet, you did.
- I had to, I couldn't
tell her the truth.
- Hmm, that's seems,
hmm.
- I'm seeing her tomorrow.
- Mm, outstanding.
This can't end well,
you know that obviously.
- Why not?
- Um, three girls named Sharon.
Need I explain.
You still don't get it?
You need me to explain more?
- All right, all right,
I'm goin' to bed.
Goin' to bed.
- Have fun living the
low life, my friend.
'Cause you're goin' the hell!
- Uh-huh, thanks, man.
- A fun, highly sexual hell.
But hell nonetheless.
When you wake up
in the mornin'
When the work bell rings
And they march
you to the table
You see the same old thing
Ain't no food upon the table
Ain't no pork in the pan
But you better
not complain, boy
Or you get in
trouble with the man
Let the midnight special
Shine light on me
Let the midnight special
Shine the light
So how come you don't have
a girlfriend, Jonah Smith?
- I don't know.
- Aren't you afraid
of being alone?
I am.
You know, I'm afraid
one day I'll be old,
never having experienced
life or found my true love,
and I'm gonna die alone.
All alone.
In a nursing home.
- That's really sad.
- I know.
I know, right?
I mean, I think it's why
I like old people so much.
It's like, like I
think I can relate.
I mean, that's why
I'm so into retro.
Why do you like retro?
- I don't know.
Maybe 'cause it's an escape.
You know?
- So what are you escaping from?
We all have secret fears.
What's yours?
- I don't think I have any.
- Liar.
All that means is
you're avoiding them.
Hidden them so deep
you ignored them.
Stop!
Help!
Please, leave me alone!
Can we talk about
something else?
- Yeah.
Yeah, you don't have to tell me.
Whenever you're ready.
Boy, you've got me trippin'
You stay up on my mind
The reason that
my heart beats
If you leave, I'll flatline
We've got such a connection
Just let the stars align
Baby, make a wish
and close your eyes
- You've done this
before, right?
I mean, you look like
you might be a virgin.
The hot, nerdy type.
More candles?
And some music from
my retro collection?
Okay, don't be nervous.
Is it bad that I acted
as though it was my first time?
She seemed so happy about it,
so I just went with it.
I guess I'm beginning to
understand my appeal to women.
Nonthreatening, young
and naive-looking.
Hunks and jocks
can be dangerous.
I was safe.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Got some time?
- Uh, yeah.
Sure, what do you need?
- Besides the obvious?
You're gonna miss
this place, huh?
- Yeah, I think I am.
I had some fun here.
- I hope us parting ways
in the business sense
doesn't keep us from having fun.
- No.
No, I like our arrangement.
You call me for
sex, I come over.
Can't beat that.
- Not even if you tried.
- Hello.
- Hey.
What are you doin' here?
- I know you said
you were at office,
so, thought I'd stop by.
Hello.
- Hi.
Honestly, this, this isn't
the best, though, Sharon.
I'm, I'm tryin' to wrap
things up, and I'm late.
And, and my buddies, they, um,
they wanna take me out
tonight, too, to celebrate.
So--
- Oh, well, you know what?
That's actually why I'm here.
- Yeah, Sharon, I really--
- Oh.
Hello, friend.
- Sharon, come on, I, I--
- Oh, you like that.
- Yeah, I'm a little bit, but--
- I'm not letting go
until I get what I want.
Oh.
Oh god.
Oh, oh, good boy.
I never understood
why women get out of breath
when men do all the work.
- Right there, no, right,
right there.
- It must
be a cardiovascular issue.
- I have
to Google that when I'm done.
- Yes, oh, good boy.
Good boy.
See, that's how you break
in an office, right?
- Okay.
- You know, you should let
me take you out tonight.
I know this nice
little restaurant.
I mean, it's kind of romantic,
that's what the reviews say.
But it'd be a nice way to
celebrate your new venture.
- I'm hangin' out with
my buddies, remember?
- Oh, right.
Well, maybe tomorrow.
- Yeah, yeah, maybe.
- Sharon Two?
Oh, I knew it.
Hey, how'd it go in there?
- All right.
- Hello?
Hey mom.
- Hello.
- Mom, this is Sharon.
Sharon, this is my mom, Mary.
- Hi, it's so nice
to meet you.
- You can just call me Mary.
My friends call me Mary.
- Oh, wonderful.
I have been bugging this one
to introduce me to you, so.
- I know, I'm so glad.
- Yay.
- Linda, Linda.
Sharon, this is my sister
Linda and her, uh, three kids.
- Hey guys.
- My sister
married a football jock at 18.
At 23, she had three
kids and an absentee dad.
Jocks make the worst fathers.
It's all fun and games
until the babies come.
Then reality hits and you
gotta move back home with mom.
- Hi, Sharon.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- I like that necklace.
Looks expensive.
- Oh, it was my mom's.
- How's that job at
the burger joint?
- It's good.
- Good, manager yet?
- No, not yet.
But you know, you
gotta climb the ladder.
- Five years is the
charm, though, right?
- It's, uh, you know.
- I, I work at a restaurant--
- Billy!
- It's
no wonder certain kids
develop certain
complexes growin' up.
Dysfunctional households?
They can't help
but be dysfunctional.
- I'm sorry.
He is such a little dickhead.
Yeah, yeah, you are.
I said it.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
- I hate you!
- Come here.
- No.
- Come here right now.
- No.
- Come here, right,
you little brat!
Billy!
- You have a lovely house.
- Billy!
Come here right now!
Stop!
Billy, you come here!
- I'm so sorry.
- Mom, help me.
Billy, you sit your
butt down right now!
You sit down or you're grounded!
Get him!
- My
mom's brother was now
living with her.
He lost his job at the factory
and was trying to
get back on his feet.
For the past six years.
- Jonah's never brought
anyone home before.
You must be special.
- I can't believe
the nerd actually
got someone as hot as you.
- What's that, Linda,
I appreciate that,
that's really nice.
- I'm just sayin',
she seems real normal.
- Maybe something's wrong
with her.
Maybe she's a hermaphrodite.
You got a cock?
- Wow.
- I am so sorry.
- Jonah used to get beat
up every day at school.
Every day he'd come home cryin'.
- Yes, he did, every day.
- Little pussy.
Used to be into that, um,
those '70s black movie shit.
Little weirdo.
- Are you kidding me right now?
This is what you wanna do?
- You a man now?
You wanna step outside,
prove to me how much
of a man you are?
- Bob, leave him alone.
- We still got time.
- You wanna fight me right--
- It's stupid, let's go.
Baby, please.
- Mom, how am I,
can we go?
- Yes.
- We're gonna go.
- Let's go.
Let's go.
- We're goin'.
Mom, I'm sorry.
- Oh, no.
- I'll see you, mom.
- Jonah.
- Thank you for dinner.
- Pleasure's mine.
- Jonah, don't go.
Jonah.
What did you call her?
- Herma, I didn't call
her a hermaphrodite.
I asked if she was one.
- What the hell
is the matter with you, Bob?
- Nice family.
- My family sucks.
- Why do you let them
talk to you like that?
- Can you leave it alone?
That's all behind me.
- So, you wanna talk about this?
- No.
- Okay.
I'll see you later, Jonah.
- Oh yeah, I've got mean sex.
- They say
that hurt people hurt people.
It's a cycle.
All behavior is causation,
cause and effect.
Everything you do, every
misstep, every deviant act
has its origin, its root
somewhere in the past.
All hurt must have an
outlet, and this was mine.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I, uh, I just wanted too
come by and apologize
for how I acted the other day.
- It's okay.
You comin' in?
- Am I invited?
- Of course you're invited,
- This is really good.
- I'm glad.
This is one of my
favorite dishes.
- Yeah?
- My dad used to make it
for me when I was little.
- You know that
they say that girls
that have good relationships
with their dads
make excellent girlfriends.
- Really?
- Yeah, I, I heard
that somewhere.
I might have read it, I
don't remember exactly.
- Are you asking me to be
your girlfriend, Jonah?
- Only if you wanna be.
- I would love to.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Well, aren't you gonna
kiss your girlfriend?
- Well.
- Look, about the other day.
Um.
I wanted to talk to
you about my childhood.
It's just,
when I do, it brings
me a lot of sadness.
So what I do is I try to
forget about it altogether.
You know, I just leave it
in the back of my mind
somewhere, dormant.
And then I get caught
up in a time period
that I think is cooler
than the one I grew up in.
You know, one that
was cool and carefree.
At least that's how
I like to imagine it.
When I go home, it reminds
me of that shitty past.
- You don't have to
explain anything to me.
I'm just glad you're in my life.
And I'm really, really just
wanting to give you a huge hug
for opening up and
sharing that with me.
- At that moment, I
just wanted to say,
I love you, Sharon,
you're my soul mate.
But instead, I just said,
thanks.
You're so cool.
- Thanks.
I'm so glad I have
you in my life, Jonah.
Let's go dancing.
- Right now?
- Yeah, can you dance?
- Can I dance?
Of course I dance.
Look at this, I'm
a dancin' machine.
Look at my move.
- Really?
- Yeah, I'm really bad actually.
I'm really bad.
It's embarrassing how bad I am.
- Oh, then it's
gonna be really fun.
But don't worry, I
can't dance either.
- Uh-oh.
- Hmm-mm.
She won't love you, love you
She can't love
you the way I do
She won't love you,
love you, love you
She won't love you, love you
Not like I do
Like you need me to love you
She can't love you like I do
Love you like I
Love you like I do
Love you like I
Love you like I do
Love you like I
Love you like I do
Can't love you like I do
My love is like
one in a billion
- You gotta stop this.
You're an asshole.
- Um, it's fucked up,
what you're doing.
You know that, right?
- What are you,
my conscience now?
It's fucked up,
what you're doing.
How do you have sex
with three hot chicks?
- Hey, you like this girl.
I can see that, I know you.
So why are you doing this?
- 'Cause I'm a pimp.
- You're a pimp.
- I didn't choose the thug
life, thug life chose me.
- Oh, wow.
Okay, so that's
where you are now.
You're hiding behind some
lame-ass hip-hop metaphors.
Listen to me and
listen to me good.
As my father used too say--
- I'm listenin'.
- You choose the life you
live, make no mistake about it.
Get it, is it in there?
- Really?
- Mm.
- You wanna do this with me?
- Do what?
- Are you sure, Mr.
I've Been Hiding
from my ex-girlfriend Heather
for the past month and a half?
You're gonna counsel
me on life advice?
- That is fucked up.
- Don't dish it out if
you can't take it, man.
- Don't talk to be about
Heather, all right.
Don't mention that bitch
whore to me ever again!
- Shit, man, sorry.
You're still really angry
about this, aren't you?
- I'm not angry.
- Relax, okay.
Hey man, you gotta
with that anger, okay.
It doesn't go away, trust me.
It just becomes a vicious cycle.
And hurt people end
up hurting people.
You have to deal with that,
unless you want it to fester
and to become one
of those angry,
pissed-off Indian cab drivers.
- Really, with the
stereotypes, really?
- You could work at a 7-Eleven.
- No, dude, that is
so fucking racist.
Though I don't understand
why so many of my people
do end up working at
7-Eleven, it's disturbing.
But here's the point.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm not angry.
- You're a little angry.
- No, I'm not.
No, I'm not, no, I'm not.
I just think that Heather
is a fucking bitch whore
for fucking my neighbor,
but I am not angry.
- Denial.
I once had a dog named Pete
who used to like to take a shit
in the middle of
the living room.
We used to step over it
and acted like nobody
saw anything at all.
That's denial.
You're in denial.
- I'm not in denial.
- De Nile isn't just
a river in Egypt.
- You don't even
know what that means.
- What are you doin' right now?
Sharon Two.
Uh-uh.
Okay, this shit is
getting complicated.
I need some help.
- You wanna ask me
what you should do.
- Yeah.
- Is that the question?
- Yeah.
- You wanna ask a pimp
if it's best to have three
hot bitches than just one?
- Mm-hmm.
- Shit, I ain't lie
to you, Young Blood.
To me, myself, personally,
three pairs of titties
is better than one
pair of titties
any motherfuckin' day of the
week, and twice on Sunday.
That's my personal
perspective on this shit.
- What did I tell you?
He'd say he was a pimp.
That's what pimps do.
- That's right.
That's what pimps do.
And true, I am a pimp.
I ain't never made
no bone about that.
That's my life, my existence.
But dig this, every
motherfucker on Earth
got to make their
own damn decisions.
Gotta make their
own choices in life.
But I will tell
you this, though.
Life's a bitch, and she
will bite you in the ass.
But on real, what's right for me
might not necessarily
be right for you.
I know pimps still
in the game at 60.
Some retire, settle
down with one thing.
It's a choice.
So, is she fine?
- She's a bad bitch.
- She a bad bitch?
You gotta do you.
You like her her?
Then fuck what me or anybody
else got to say about it.
Just you and she
against the world, baby.
Can you dig it?
- That was it, I
was gonna tell them.
Sharon One, Sharon
Two, I'm done, man.
I'm a one-woman man.
- Good for you, man.
I am proud of you.
That is the shit right there.
Man, that's what's up.
That's what's up.
- It's
amazing the clarity you get
once you've made
the right decision.
It's also amazing the
complication that come
to your life the moment you
decide to do what's right.
- Sharon, why did you bring
me to this coffee shop?
I thought you were
gonna show me the reason
why Jonah's been
ignoring us lately.
- And I am.
She's standing right there,
right in front of us.
- Stop it, another woman?
- I followed him
here the other day.
And that's not the
only surprising thing.
Um, excuse me, miss.
- Oh, hi, how are you?
How can I help you ladies?
- Well, Sharon.
My name is Sharon.
And my friend's name
here is also Sharon.
- Well, wow.
That's, um, that's odd.
I can't say I've
ever met two Sharons
at the same time before.
- Right?
- We certainly have
something in common.
- Well, see, that's not the
only thing we have in common.
- What else do we
have in common?
- Um, do you wanna?
- This is awkward.
- Jonah.
We all happen to
date Jonah Smith.
- Seriously, is this like some
sort of joke or something?
- No.
- I'm sorry.
Uh.
I don't, I don't
think I understand.
Uh, you're telling me that
you two are also seeing Jonah?
- I feel so liberated
right now, man.
I'm about to start a whole
new chapter of my life.
- It's beautiful.
Whoa, whoa, dude, dude.
Are seeing what I'm seeing?
- What the fuck?
Game over.
My world has just
come to an end.
- And now you're just the
latest addition to the equation.
So, I'm sorry that we had to
break it down to you like this.
- Well, um, thanks for,
for telling me, I guess.
- Oh, no.
Oh, you're not
gonna cry, are you?
Let's not.
I mean, it's like,
in public and--
- No, no, no, I'm good.
Hey, I'll be fine.
Thank you, though.
I, uh--
- Well, well, sit back down.
Because we a
proposition for you.
- We do?
- We do.
- Fuck!
- Didn't I fucking tell you
this would catch up to you?
- Well, we can work this
out, the three of us.
- I'm so fucked.
I'm so fucked right now.
- Told you it would catch up.
- It could be, it...
Oh, well, maybe the four of us.
Look who's here.
Hi.
- Should I run?
- Uh, maybe.
Definition of cowardice:
timidity, lack of bravery.
I didn't run.
It's not that I was brave.
It's just that my
legs couldn't move.
I froze.
- Excuse me a moment, will you?
- Yeah, of course.
Jonah!
How could you do this, Jonah?
Three Sharons?
What kind of sicko are you?
- It just sorta happened.
- It just, it just
sort of happened.
It just sort of happened?
Three Sharons, and
I'm number three.
You're a fucking asshole, Jonah!
- Oh, that's really, there's
really anger in there.
- I hate you.
Don't you ever speak
to me, not ever again.
God.
- Sharon.
Sharon!
Sharon, wait.
Sharon, come on.
We're done, it's over.
- What?
- Sharon.
- Are you okay?
- Do not let him back here.
- Sharon!
- Hey.
Um, can I help you
with something?
- Sharon, Sharon.
Wait, Sharon.
- I didn't think so.
I think you need to leave, dude.
Go.
- Well, that didn't go
exactly how I envisioned it.
- Do you think?
- Sharon, I'm just gonna
give you space, okay.
I'm, I'm, I'm not
gonna call you back.
I won't call you back.
You call me when you're ready.
This is the last you're
gonna hear from me, okay.
This is, um, I
won't call you back.
Sharon.
Sharon, it's me again.
Um, call me back.
Huh, please?
Um, I just wanna talk.
Hey, uh, Legend of a
Fighter was on earlier.
I, uh, I thought of you.
I just wanna explain.
Call me, please, call me.
If you don't call me back soon,
I'm gonna start having to go
to a different
coffee shop.
Sharon, it's me again, okay.
Please, please call me.
I, uh, I can't think
about anything else.
I'm sorry.
I, I just wanna make
this right, okay.
Call me, just, I
just wanna talk.
I just wanna talk.
Um.
I miss you, I don't--
- Oh.
Look at him.
Look at him.
Hey buddy.
- She doesn't wanna talk to me.
- It hurts, right?
Right in the heart.
You know, the odd thing is
that seeing you so upset,
I don't feel half as
bad about my life.
I guess misery really
does love company.
So we're in this
together.
Oh, I'm, I'm,
I'm sorry, I'm just
thinking out loud.
- You're an asshole.
- Indeed.
- Did I say that out loud,
or was I just thinking
that out loud?
- That was out loud.
That's a valid
point, good point.
Oopsies.
Sorry.
Oops.
- Good.
- Do you want some ice cream?
- Yes, please.
- Nah, I'll get some smoothies.
We'll work on it.
Okay?
- Sharon!
Sharon!
Sharon!
Sharon!
Sharon!
Sharon.
Sharon.
Sharon.
Sharon.
Hi.
- What do you want, Jonah?
- I just want to explain.
- I promised myself
after my dad died no one
would hurt me like that.
- I know, but--
- I let you in, and
you did just that!
- I know, Sharon,
and I'm sorry, I'm--
- I asked you if you
were seeing anyone.
And you lied.
- Yeah.
- You lied, Jonah.
- Yeah, I know.
- All you had to do
was be honest with
me, but you couldn't.
- No, Sharon, I--
- Stop!
Let me finish, I
wanna get this out.
Now, I know I shouldn't
be this upset.
I mean, I've known you what,
like six weeks?
- Yeah.
- But those have been the
best six weeks of my life.
- Me too.
- Jonah, I swear to God,
I will shut this door and walk
away if you keep on talking.
- Okay.
- I am so hurt.
You really hurt me, Jonah.
I mean, and those other
two Sharons wanted
to work me into this sick
sex schedule that you had.
And I declined.
You're sick.
You deserve each other.
I am done with you.
I don't ever wanna
see you again.
Is there anything you
wanna add before you go?
- Do you remember, do you
remember we were outside?
And you asked me
what I was afraid of?
I thought about it.
It's love.
Okay, I'm afraid of love,
because I, I don't
think I know what it is.
- Spare me, Jonah.
- I was bullied.
As a kid, I was bullied.
By all different people.
But it was, it was
mostly this one guy.
Nick Kowalski.
I mean, it was every day
after school, without fail.
I mean, it got to the
point where I would,
I would just see him,
and I would start,
I would start shaking.
I have nightmares just
thinking about this guy.
So what am I afraid of?
I'm afraid of Nick Kowalski.
And I'm not just afraid either.
I'm, I'm ashamed.
And I'm angry.
You know, mostly
angry at myself.
You know, for not
confronting him.
I should've, I should've
confronted him.
I, I mean, it haunts me.
I think it's
like a self-esteem thing.
Maybe.
And then the fact that
I can acknowledge that
makes me ashamed that I didn't
face this and confront this.
And then all the guilt
that goes along with it.
I mean, I had to constantly
prove myself and justify myself.
I mean, I'm fucked up, Sharon.
Okay, I'm fucked up.
And unfortunately,
you got caught up
into my world of
confusion, and I'm sorry.
Okay, I, I know you've got
no reason to believe me.
But if nothin' else,
know that I'm, I'm sorry.
It's weird how, like,
something could happen to you,
so long ago, and it
can affect you today
in the weirdest ways.
I mean, three Sharons,
that's messed up.
I can admit that.
And you didn't deserve this.
But things are gonna
be different now.
Okay?
Things will be different.
- What would make
things different, Jonah?
You haven't changed.
You're still scared.
Still running from your fears.
Fear of Nick Kowalski.
Your fear of losing me.
I'm sorry you were bullied.
But your past is
destroying your present.
And it will destroy your future
if you don't face up to it.
I'm sorry, I, I can't do this.
I gotta go.
- Sharon, just--
- Don't, Jonah.
- There
is a sinking feeling
in your stomach when
you've lost the best thing
in your life, the only
thing that matters to you.
It cuts like a knife, ripping
through your internal organs.
Or maybe that was the
burrito I had earlier.
Whatever the case, I knew
something had to be done.
I was gonna meet
my fear head-on.
I was gonna do the unthinkable.
I was gonna confront
Nick Kowalski.
Met her in my dreams,
she was my queen
A castle in the mountain
tops, rives and streams
- Nick
Kowalski, 23 years old.
6'4".
234 pounds.
A 54-inch chest span,
and 17-inch biceps that
wield a crushing right hook.
It was a surreal
feeling standing there,
looking at him face-to-face
after all these years.
I could feel my body changing:
increased heart rate,
pore secretions,
xerostomia, otherwise
known as cotton mouth,
and a really strong urge to pee.
I really had to pee.
All I wanna do is
live with no regret
- So, what the fuck do you want?
What?
- I, uh,
you scarred me for life.
And I came here today
to confront
you and let you know
that I will not let you
dominate my life anymore.
You will not
mentally mind-fuck me
for the rest of my life.
- Ooh, mind-fuck.
- And I wanna tell you that
I forgive you.
- Forgive me, huh?
- I forgive you for all the hurt
you caused me over the years.
And I'm releasing you
from my mind forever.
You're dismissed.
- Dismissed?
- You no longer have power
over me.
- Oh yeah, is that it?
Is that it?
- That felt good.
- Yeah, yeah.
It felt good for me too, yeah.
- It did?
Well, listen, dude, I got
a lot of work to do, man.
I got like two trannies and
oil change and a tune-up.
- Yeah, no.
- But you know what, you
know, I always got time
for another good old fashioned
ass whoopin'.
- What?
Seriously?
- Yeah, seriously.
Let's get him.
- Shit, what have I done?
This went just a little
differently in my mind.
As I said before,
life goes full circle.
And when it catches up
to you, it's a bitch.
Over the years, I learned
to distance my mind
from present circumstances and
think of more pleasant times.
I remember a time when
I was seven years old
and got a birthday cake
or how excited I was
Episode I, The Phantom Menace.
Star Wars, Phantom Menace!
But a funny thing happened
when I thought about Sharon.
As I looked at her
face, at her smile,
and now realizing
it was all gone,
a strange and odd
feeling came over me,
one that I've never
experienced before.
And it caused my right
leg to rise up with force.
And the more I thought
about Sharon Three,
the bolder I felt.
- Come on, sucker,
let's get it on.
- Get it on, Jonah.
Kill that jive turkey.
- I'm
not sure what came over me,
pent-up rage for so many years?
But this time, I
was in it to win it.
- You fuckin' bit me!
- Yeah, I bit you, bitch.
- Oh god, dude, you are
fucking insane, man.
- I can't really feel my face.
Even though by all counts,
I lost that fight, the
fact is, it was a fight.
That was the first
time I ever fought back
and stood up to a bully.
And that felt damn good.
I was bruised and battered,
but so the hell was he.
And from my perspective,
that was a win.
- You're fuckin' crazy, man.
It was a whole week before
my bruises cleared up.
Okay, not bad?
News of our fight traveled fast.
It got over 10 million
hits on YouTube.
This guy.
Eat some food, all right, eat.
And I was feeling
pretty good about life.
With one exception.
- Go over there, call
her, text her, something.
Do you want me to
call her for you?
- No, I don't want you
to call her for me.
- I'll do it.
You understand?
Let me help you, all right.
- Yeah, what?
- I'm gonna text her for you.
I've got the bomb text
she cannot resist.
This is gonna work.
I'm gonna close this for you.
- You got a bomb text?
- Yeah, give me your phone.
- I'm trusting you, Drew.
- Hand me your phone
right now.
- I'm trusting you.
- Cue it up, give it to me.
Cued?
- Do it.
- That's my boy.
Sent.
Done.
Taken care of.
- Good?
- You're welcome.
- Is it good?
- You're welcome.
- Dude, you're right.
I miss your doggie style?
- It's gonna work, trust me.
It's gonna work.
- Are you kidding me
right now?
- That's gonna work,
I promise you.
- I miss your doggie style?
- I promise you.
Now you sit and wait.
- Man, how am I supposed
to follow that up.
- Absorb it.
- This is interesting,
man, you's like this.
I'm reading this
book on bullying.
It's called The Fear
That Fear Produced.
It's basically saying
you need to purge,
and then allow things to
naturally run their course.
I'm not gonna find a
girl as great as her.
I'm not.
It sucks how you don't
appreciate something
until it's gone.
What are you getting
all misty about?
- I'm not getting misty.
Just, something
you said got to me,
about not finding
another girl like that.
It just made me think
about Heather and how I'm,
I'm never gonna find another
woman like her again, too.
- You still want her back, huh?
After everything
you've said about her?
- Yeah.
I really do, man.
I really, really do.
But you know what,
hey, what am I doing?
This is not about me,
we're talking about you.
So go ahead.
- You brought her up, man.
- Well, stop saying things
that make me think about her.
God, am I crazy to wanna be
with somebody who cheated on me?
I shouldn't even be
thinking about her.
Damn you.
Why do people hurt people?
Honestly, Jonah, I don't get it.
I really don't get it.
- We're human.
People struggle with
different issues.
In our own various,
individual ways,
we're all messed up.
Now I'm depressed.
- I want her back.
I miss her.
- Me too.
I miss Sharon Three.
Where you goin'?
- I'm just gonna go for a walk.
I'll be back, okay.
I'm just gonna clear my mind.
- Yeah, you want me
to come with you?
- No, no, no, I just wanna,
I wanna blow off some steam.
You know?
- You sure?
- Yeah, talk to you soon.
A wise man once said,
"There's no remedy to
love but to love more."
That man was Henry
David Thoreau.
I knew what I had to do.
- Hi.
- What do you want?
- Look, I would like you
to be honest with me.
Have you been having
sex with Jonah lately?
- No, I have not been having
sex with Jonah lately.
I thought he was
having sex with you.
He's not even
picking up his phone.
- Same thing here.
- I'm so stressed at work
right now, I need him.
- Okay, get dressed,
because we're going over
to his house right now,
and we're gonna set
this matter straight.
- Start tell me what to do.
But come in.
- Fine, it's a great plan.
- Hey Drew.
- Hey.
Um.
I'll just have a
medium latte, please.
- Yeah, sure.
Medium latte.
Thank you.
- He misses you, you know.
- Yeah, whatever.
- And he is sorry, Sharon.
He really is.
He's hurting right now in a way
that I have not ever
seen him before.
He's scared.
- Of what?
- Of losing you.
You are the best thing
that has ever happened to him.
And I know, I have
experienced it.
God, I just don't want to
see him lose a good thing.
You know?
All I know is that when I
see the two of you together,
I see genuine love.
- Thank you.
Mm-mm, don't worry about it.
- Thank you.
I hope I see you again.
Take care, okay?
- Bye, Drew.
- Jonah.
What are you doing here?
I don't wanna talk about it.
- No, no, no, we're
talking about it.
- I can't.
I'm devastated.
- You're devastated?
You're devastated?
He's devastated.
He misses the hell outta you.
Okay, look, I didn't,
I didn't come here
to give you a tongue
lashing, okay.
I just wanna know why you
cheated on my best friend
with your next door neighbor.
- It was something that
just happened, okay.
We only had sex once.
Okay, here's how it happened.
I was in his cellphone,
looking at pictures
from a show he attended.
Oh my gosh.
And I went too far.
I saw some pics I
shouldn't have seen.
- What kind of pics?
- The penis pics.
And it was huge!
Oh my god.
I had to investigate.
Oh my god.
- All right, all right.
- I'm sorry, but it was.
God damn, stupid big penis.
It ruined my life.
And I love Drew's
little penis.
- Okay, I didn't really
need to know that, but--
- And I am missing him.
And I want him back so bad.
But I don't deserve him.
- The guy's a mess without you.
- Can you help me?
- I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Uh-oh.
- That's right, uh-oh.
- Where's Jonah?
- Hmm, I don't know.
- What do you mean
you don't know?
- I mean I went
out for a coffee,
I came back, and he's not here.
- Well, we'll wait for him then.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
no, no, no, no.
Ladies, that's not a good idea.
Jonah doesn't like
me to have company.
Okay, come on in.
Special shine a light on me
- Hey.
- Hi.
- You gonna go see him?
Go.
Go get him.
Let the midnight special
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I'll take
care of the shop.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna go get my man.
- Go get him, girl.
- Oh, I love you.
Thank you.
I'm gonna get him.
- She crushed me.
Sharons, she crushed me.
- Look, you are
a super-nice guy.
And I am sure that there
is a girl out there
who is gonna love you and
is gonna appreciate you.
- No.
I guess, you know, but
I just want Heather back.
- Even after she cheated on you?
- Even after she cheated on me.
- Wow.
That's a gnarly,
that's gnarly love.
- If I get her back,
I wanna cheat on her.
I mean, that's only right.
That's only fair, you know.
And I'd love for her
to walk in on me.
- Oh, that'd be great.
That'd be great, right?
- I walked in on her,
she can walk in on me.
- Walk in.
- Oh, but it's
never gonna happen.
I mean, look at me.
I've got heartbreak
written all over me.
What girl's gonna go for
me in a state like this?
But, uh,
I'll tell you this.
It's too bad, because, uh,
I would be a sexual demon.
I would be like,
just nasty in bed.
- I mean,
like, how nasty?
- Janet Jackson nasty.
- Oh, Control.
- That's a hot song.
- I would be good.
- Drew?
Buddy, I got a surprise for ya.
- Baby?
- Oh god.
- Oh, touch my feet.
No, don't stop.
Right there.
- Oh god.
- Right there, papi.
- Okay.
- Oh god.
- Drew?
- He's probably just
watchin' True Blood.
- Is this right?
I feel like that's--
- Okay, that's--
- Oh my god.
- That's good.
- Is that right, ladies?
Heather?
- Oh my god.
- Jonah.
Hey, hey.
- Sharon and Sharon.
- Yeah.
- Drew, what the hell
is going on here?
Is this some kind of a joke?
- Let me explain.
- What the hell?
- Oh lord.
- Oh, hey.
- Are you here to
join the party, too?
- No.
No, I came for him.
But I am leaving.
- No, no, no, Sharon.
Sharon.
Sharon, hold on.
- Please, just let me--
- Hang on.
- You are such
a dirty little--
- Listen for one second.
- Piece of shit!
- Hold on, hold on, hold on.
- Jonah, I'm done.
- Please.
Sharon.
Sharon, give me one second.
Sharon, Sharon!
- Baby.
Baby, this is crazy.
I don't understand any of this.
- I should kill you!
- Oh my, she's angry.
- Listen,.
Baby, be reasonable.
Oh god.
- Look.
There's no excuse for
what I did to you.
None.
I know that now.
And I am so sorry.
I'm in the process of changing.
And if you give me another shot,
Sharon, I promise
you, I promise you,
I'm gonna do whatever I
can to make you happy.
You won't regret it.
And that, in there, I had
nothing to do with that.
I don't even know what that was.
I miss you so much.
You're all that I'm living for.
You're not my Sharon Three.
You're Sharon One.
My first.
My last.
You're my everything.
- Was that Barry White?
- Yeah, I mean,
just a little bit.
Like, the end.
- Oh, come here.
- I love you so much.
- I love you too.
And, um, just so you know,
you had me at, I miss
your doggie style.
- You're kidding me.
- It was so funny.
- That's unbelievable.
That's...
That's crazy.
I love you.
- I love you too.
I love you so much.
- Like I said, sometimes
life catches up to you,
and it's not all that bad.
I got a song.
- Yeah?
- I got a song for you, yep.
- Okay.
Let's hear it.
- Okay.
- Is it a surprise?
Traveling could be real
If you had a set of wheels
That you could
consider your own
Visit me anytime
Leave your hometown for mine
I'm guessin' you
probably won't
With no keys
- You may
wonder what happened to Drew.
Well, he made up with Heather.
- And I'm sorry I cheated.
You know, even
though, technically,
it wasn't cheating on my end.
It was dis-moral,
but well, you know--
- Just shut up and kiss me.
- You shut up, and you kiss me.
No car
- And the
other two Sharons?
- Oh, I need some sex.
- Haven't seen
them at all since that day.
- You know, you have
really beautiful eyes.
- Really?
I can blame time and space
- I guess
all is well that ends well.
- That's a nice
shot, right there.
- I
only saw Nick Kowalski
once after that.
He avoided eye contact with
me, and I liked it a lot.
Maybe it's not so bad
We did it, Max.
Can you dig it?
You may be surprised to learn
that you can't fully
experience life
until you face and confront
the bullies, the demons,
the obstacles that
hold you back.
Because then you may
realize, as I did,
that when life
catches up to you,
it may not be that
bad after all.
Sometimes things just
have a way of working out.
- No more casual sex
with other women.
No more Sharons.
- No more.
- I mean it.
I mean it, too.
Stay where
Stay where you are
No keys
No keys
No car
- And
that's it, that's my story.
That's how this story ends.
Let me talk to you
Don't gotta be cool
for me to love you
Love you
I just want you for my own
My own
Don't have to try,
'cause I get you
Get you
Ain't no secret
that they know
They know
Foolish and stumblin'
Stupid and stubborn
Back and forth every day
It's okay 'cause
I love you, babe
You've got me
holdin' my feelings
We go together like
steps in the building
Got me so high we make
love on the ceiling
Baby, this love
is like blood
In my veins
Don't compare me to Sharon
One, two, three
She can't love
you the way I do
Baby, she won't she
love you, love you
Don't compare me to Sharon
One, two, three
Sharon
I got everything you need
Baby, you should want me
Baby, does she
love you like I do
Love you like I
Love you like I do
Love you like I do
Love you like I do
Love you like I
Love you like I do
Yeah, love you like I do
Love you like I
Sharon, I know
you're mad, but
You don't understand me
Don't you feel alive like me
Sharon
It's all part of
the game, girl
Sharon is more than a name
So there's no
need to play, girl
Sharon, girl
Night fever, night
fever, night fever
Tellin' you about
Night fever, night
fever, night fever
Can you help that
Night fever, night
fever, night fever
Must be the
Night fever, night
fever, night fever
Uh-Huh, lights, cameras
Damn Sharon, got
your boy on TMZ
Askin' me about you and we
One, two, three, exclusively
Up in the kitchen,
we gettin' it done
All them positions,
you know we have fun
He's a pimp
You know that's right
That's right
Sharon know just what I like
She mumblin' to me,
bro, just like a savage
I told her be humble
She said, I'm a bad bitch
But Sharon got sprung
like the last chick
You know, actin' like
Delta with baggage
Sharon's not into sharin'
It's carin', Sharon, Sharon
Three Sharons
Why you get so mad
when you know deep down
Of all of y'all
girls that I want you
Sharon, I know
you're mad, but
You don't understand me
Don't you feel alive like me
Sharon
It's all part of
the game, girl
Game, girl
Sharon is more than a name
So there's no
need to play, girl
Sharon, girl
Night fever
Do I ever cross your mind
Even though I
crossed the line
Do you ever think
Of me
Girl, I know we
had good times
Baby, I was dumb and blind
Didn't open my eyes and see
Ooh yeah
Ooh yeah
There was good love
Good love
Waiting for me
Too much
Too much
Time and energy
On someone
Someone
That ain't you
Whoa
There was good love
Good love
Waiting for me
Too much
Too much
Time and energy
On someone
Someone
That ain't you
Whoa
Do I ever cross your mind
Cross your mind
Do you ever think
Of me
Baby, baby
Girl, I know we
had good times
Had good times
I've been dumb and blind
Dumb and blind
I just want all
of you lovin' me
Ooh yeah
Yeah
I just want that good love
Good love
Good love, baby
Good love
With you
I want you, girl
And you know I need it, girl
I just want that good love
Oh
Good love, baby
Good love
Good love
With you
With you
With you
With you
With you
With you
With you
With you
With you
With you
With you
With you