[DRONING SOUND]
[OMINOUS TONE]
[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRA]
NARRATOR:
The battle was all but over.
The forces of good, the living
had fallen by the thousands.
The risen dead
swept over them in a vile,
and cankerous wave
that knew not when to break.
But as long as
their fearless leader,
the mighty
Casimir the Destroyer,
battle mage, warrior,
and renowned tactician
still drew breath,
there was yet some hope.
And as the horde
of hell's spawn dead,
raised by the evil necromancer.
Morana, grew
closer, unwittingly lured
into a fatal pincer movement,
through the otherwise impassable
sulphur swamps of Sagra,
Casimir knew he had
them in the palm of his hand.
Knew that a historic victory
was but a single blow away.
There was no escaping the fury
of Casimir's blazing damnation.
The magically conjured
flames burned hard and fast
devouring the
undead in a matter of seconds.
And for the first
of many times to come,
Casimir looked down triumphant
upon the carnage he had wrought.
Upon the victory he had
single-handedly wretched
from the rotten jaws
of almost certain defeat.
[CROWD CHEERING SOUND]
[DRONING SOUND]
[EPIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
[MUSIC SOUND LEVELS DROP]
[TRAIN RIDING ON TRACKS SOUND]
[TRAIN WHISTLE SOUND]
TREVOR: Casimir would not rest
until his nemesis Morana had fallen.
[DOOR CLOSING SOUND]
Along with her scurrilous lapdog
of a so-called swordsman,
Sir Brandt.
Fuck sake.
Oh! Mr. Parsons.
PARSONS:
Afternoon. Trevor isn't it?
Last time I checked!
Right. I've been
meaning to have a word.
See the thing is
that some of us here.
Sorry!
Fundamentally, some of us here.
W-we take pride.
I'm not sure how to-
your plot's a disgrace.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Well, it's a little
on the barren side but
it's got some
post-apocalyptic charm.
Clearly.
Disgrace is a very strong word.
But it's
accurate. Look around you.
Do you see anything out of
place in my plot? No, nothing.
It's beauty.
Ted and Irene may be
slow, but they're methodical.
Even Birch keeps his end up.
Peter, almost as
annoying as you are,
but at least he
knows what he's doing.
And Doc doesn't do
anything at all, but he's tidy.
Now you, on the other hand,
you are more than
letting the side down.
To be honest
gardening isn't really my thing.
Jesus Christ! Why do
you have an allotment then?
Why do you come here
and spoil it for the rest of us?
I'd be willing
to put up a fence.
Look, we've gotten
together and signed a petition.
We're giving it to the
landlord tomorrow morning.
And I sincerely hope
he decides to evict you,
and your terrible
hair-do. Good day!
What? No! No, no,
no, no, no, no! I'll tidy up.
I'll, I'll plant some seeds!
I'll, I'll, plant the crap fu...
God.
[FLY BUZZING SOUND]
Oh!
Oooh!
Woo!
[ROCK MUSIC BEGINS ABRUPTLY]
[ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES]
[ELEVATOR BELL SOUND]
[RAT SQUEAKING SOUND]
BOBBI: Harriet, why don't you
come round to mine after work?
I've got some pear vodka.
HARRIET:
Oh, yes, please!
Funny innit like, us
sitting here doing nothing,
makes you more tired
than when you're busy, eh?
You're not wrong Bobbi.
It's a bit like
shagging, if you think about it.
The more you do
it, the more you want it.
It only makes you more
horny. It's really annoying.
I wouldn't know.
When are you going to be done?
Oh, it's just my Derek
now. A little quick half hour.
But I'll do him
quick today, yeah?
[DOOR BELL SOUNDS]
DEREK:
There she blows.
HARRIET:
Hi darling!
Aww, I love presents. Thank you.
Do you want a little shower?
- I'm clean as a whistle.
- Mmm.
Well, I'll have to
blow you to find out won't I?
Yes!
Hmm.
[DOG BARKING SOUNDS]
DOC:
Trevor?
Doc!
I didn t sign the
petition by the way.
Thanks.
My motto is,
"Live and let live".
I appreciate that.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Don't come in here
asking where your dinner is.
While you've been flouncing
around at your allotment,
I've been at work all day.
So, no. I haven't cooked yet.
Oh, hi Trev!
Nice T-shirt! Mmm.
[INHALING SOUND]
Trevor!
I didn't say I was hungry.
I heard you think it.
No, well, we left you some.
Thanks.
That's very generous of you!
I'm the one bringing the
money in while you're indulging
in some pathetic male fantasy.
Well, as Harriet can attest,
it is possible to do both.
You know, maybe you should just
embrace the dual nature of your
business, and call
the salon, "Hand Job".
Oooh! You're looking
very pretty today Harriet.
Would you mind if I, umm?
[CAMERA SHUTTER SOUND]
I'm going off to
Graham's. Help me, God!
[DOOR OPENING AND
SLAMMING SHUT SOUNDS]
He's not the sharpest tool in
the shed, is he, your husband?
[BATTLEFIELD SOUNDS]
[INDISCERNIBLE YELLING]
GRAHAM: Yeah, well,
you know what I think?
I think you should
unleash some of that old
Casimir vengeance on him.
Graham, I'm not
going to kill someone
for trying to evict me
from my bloody allotment.
Or you could get that guy
you think's a serial killer to
dissolve him in a
vat of acid or something.
I didn't say he was a serial
killer. I said he was creepy,
and it's weird
his plot is bare earth.
Or maybe you could put
pesticide in his Horlicks,
dress him up as a scarecrow,
and hide him in plain sight?
What is wrong with you?
I'm not going to kill anyone.
Yeah, well you weren't
this squeamish when you were
fire-bombing my zombies earlier.
You really have no grip
on the real world do you?
Well I guess you
could learn how to garden.
Oh, I got that picture
of Harriet you wanted.
But this is the
last time, alright?
Everybody's starting
to think I'm a weirdo.
My sweet Lady Harriet Morana.
Sir Brandt at your service!
I can't believe
you're basing Morana on her.
Oh, yes! She's fit!
Plus, Sir Brandt
gets to bed her!
Only because no one
else in her army has a pulse.
Yes, she has a whole legion
of skeletons at her command,
yet it is I, Sir Brandt,
who gets to bone her! Haha.
You know, there are far
hotter women on the internet,
some wearing a lot less?
Arrrgh, aargh,
no, no, no, no, n...
What is your
problem with the internet?
Online Gamers.
Heathens. Heathens, man!
Oh, go on, send me
that picture would you?!
I don't even know why
you have a mobile phone.
You never
bloody leave the house!
Hey, don't knock my Agoraphobia.
Plus, I need a way to
get my DLA you know. My er...
Dragon Living
Allowance. Yes, very good.
Why can't I have a dragon?
Well, firstly
Morana is a necromancer.
Well, why can't I
have an undead dragon?
- Sending.
- No, no, wait! Wait!
- Ahhh!
- Ahahaha.
TREVOR:
Whoops!
You cheat!
When they're down, they're down!
Shouldn't leave your
phone on the battlefield!
[OMINOUS TONE]
Curse you Casimir!
The dead shall rise,
and tear your world asunder!
Tell that to a couple of D8's.
Boom!
[OMINOUS MUSICAL BUILD UP]
ZOMBIE:
Arrrggh.
Arrrgh.
[CLOSING DOOR SOUND]
[APPROACHING FOOTSTEP SOUNDS]
[SNORING SOUNDS]
Bobbi?
Ssstupid, bloody whale.
Bobbi, d...
[FARTING SOUNDS]
I'll be on the sofa.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[TRUMPET INTRO MUSIC]
DAVE-RADIO HOST:
Hello and welcome back. Ah,
Right, coming up
'you are what you eat'
we look at the pitfalls and
benefits of a protein only diet.
But first, Dick. What do we
make of this macabre business?
DICK: Oh ho. Just in case you're
tuning in for the first time
folks, what Dave is
referring to is the apparent
grave robbing in
Nunhead cemetery.
DAVE: Hahaha. I think,
I think grave robbing is a bit strong...
DICK: No, no, no.
We-well, what would you call it then?
DAVE: Ahh-uhh, prrff,
Halloween pranks?
DICK: Haha, Well it's not like
the corpses just got up and
walked off is it? Hahaha!
DAVE:
Hahaha I'd like to see!
DICK: So Dave, what's in store for
us today in terms of the weather?
DAVE: Well Dick, it's a proper
Autumnal day out there today,
but you can expect a lot of
heavy low lying fog tonight.
So, do be careful
if you're out and about.
BOBBI:
Trevor?
Trevor!
Trevor you planning
on sleeping all day?!
- TREVOR!?
- Whaa!
Ow! What, Jesus?
Just because
you're between jobs,
doesn't mean you can lay
around doing fuck all every day!
You should
be out looking for a job!
And pick your dirty
clothes up from the floor.
Is that for me?
No, you make your own.
And your dad's golf clubs are
over there, so take 'em to the
charity shop because it's
not like you play, is it?
I might have to start.
You know what Trevor,
you know better than
to fucking argue with me!
- Pfftt.
- Oh!
God, I swear you only started
smoking to aggravate my asthma!
You ungrateful sod! I'm doing
it to lose weight, for you!
Yeah, is that why you
didn t eat all the extra large
pizza as well?
Do you know what
Trevor? I'm going to work.
You know, remember
work?! You fucking lazy sod!
Ahhh! Fuck.
[SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA]
Oh, Christ.
Kill me!
Come on, boy!
DEREK:
I am a very, very bad horse.
Horses don't talk!
Quiet!
Horses just buck!
[HORSE WHINNY SOUND]
Stop.
[INTENSE CLASSICAL MUSIC]
Haha!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[HORSE SOUNDS]
Giddy up!
Come on! Oh, woah! Derek?
Dereeeek?
Come on. T-t-t-t-t.
To-oot?
Darling?
Remember the safe word!
[HORSE NICKER SOUND]
HARRIET: Well, that's not it!
Come on, it's banana.
Derek?
DEREK?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
TREVOR:
[INDISTINCT] Dark cow!
Oh, yeah. I gave you some pizza!
Stupid bloody friend.
Little ho. Little pfft. Fucking
stupid! Gosh, she's such a lit...
Bloody wha... I'm stupid. Must
have she grab my cock in the
night club. Next thing I know,
I'm bloody
married to her for life.
Poor Derek!
All he wanted was an
early morning ride, wasn't it?
It's alright. Go on.
Well, you know, he wanted
to play his favorite game,
you know, that.
Horsey play.
He loved that!
No, but I just kept on
really pushing it, and saying,
"giddy up, giddy up,
faster" spanking his ass!
And I was getting
really into it, and-
It just uh, it got too much for
him. And he collapsed on me.
Oh, he didn't?!
And there was nothing I could
do, and I was saying, "Say the
safe word, say the safe word".
And he didn't. He just
kept on going, " Pfffft"
And I forgot, he's got
such a delicate little heart.
Oh, his little heart!
And that's why
I really liked him,
cause he was
actually a real gent.
Poor Derek.
Oh, God.
Oh, Bobbi.
Oh, do you know what?
He's still wearing my buttplug.
He is. He's still wearing my
buttplug. They're gonna find
my buttplug up
there. That's not dignified.
He wouldn't have want that.
Nope. Nope.
That's awkward.
Stupid cow.
Stupid. I might as well
just put a bloody bed in here
and be done with it.
[INDISCERNIBLE]
Bloody.
Parsons!
What?
Is it true?
Are you distilling vodka?
What's it to you?
What's it to me,
you little cock head?!
Not that you'd
be affected by it,
but a number of us
had our potato crops
plundered last year.
- Aww!
- And I'd be willing to bet
that if you are
indeed distilling vodka,
then you're
probably the plunderer.
Hahahaha.
I'm the potato plunderer?
Me? Whose allotment
looks like a pile of shit?!
Do you think I could be
bothered to dig up potatoes?
Look at my hands.
Look how clean they are.
You think I could be bothered
to muddy them up to get your
dirty ass potatoes because this
is a little bit of "newsflash",
they're available in
a fucking supermarket,
and they're a pound! But then
you probably didn't know that
did you? You bloody
wanna be English moron.
You watch your
tone, you little twat!
Twat?! Hahahaha.
Twoa! Twat! What
are you gonna do now?
Bludgeon me with
that spade? Give it to me!
'Cause if there's gonna be any
bludgeoning happening today,
I will not be on
the receiving end!
You are mad!
You don't know the
fucking half of it!
Yeah, run!
Run little American boy!
It's pronounced,
"twot" You bloody American!
I'm Canadian!
[STABBING SOUND]
Mr. Parsons? Mr. Parsons?
Mr. Parsons?!
[THRILLING MUSIC]
[REMOVING ADHESIVE SOUND]
Bobbi! Bobbi,
something terrible has happened!
Get out!
What the hell are you doing?
- What are y...
- Go away!
Oh! Oh! Oh! God! Oh!
Well, on that note, I don t
think he'll be coming back!
[SLAMMING DOOR SOUND]
Mm mmm. Oooh, that's nice!
For a moment, I
actually felt like Casimir!
I was like moving towards him,
and he was like, stepping back.
I could see the
fear in his eyes. It was...
- What?
- What is that, on your shoulder?
Oooh! Oh, God! Christ!
Oh, God. Bobbi was giving
Harriet a wax on her lady bits.
- Hand it over!
- What?
- Give it.
- No!
- Yes. Yes!
- No.
No way!
- Come on, now.
- That's sick man.
I'm not doing it.
I'll give you one
sword of Chronos.
Sword of Chronos and an
extra D8 on my combat roles?
Ahhh, D4?
Just don't do
anything disgusting with it.
Ah.
I can smell her Labia.
You are a revolting man!
I know.
So, you were saying?
Right. Yeah, so he
kinda hobbles off, falls over,
and doesn't bloody get up again.
[OMINOUS MUSIC BUILD UP]
[FLY BUZZING SOUND]
Oh, fuck.
Oh, God.
Bloody hippie leaving his
bloody tools laying around.
So that's the serial killer?
A hippie serial killer, really?
Oh, it's a great cover.
No. Birch is the
hippie. Doc is th...
Serial killer!
Creepy cowboy guy.
Anyway, you're meant to
tread on the rake and
have it hit you in the face.
You're not meant to fall on it
and have it brain
you. It's just not funny!
Oh. It kinda is.
Well, and convenient!
So, what'd you do next?
I managed to drag
him back to my shed.
Ahh!
[GRUNTING SOUND]
Nearly bloody killed me.
I'm gonna have
to go to the Police.
No way, man!
You'll look guilty as hell.
It was an accident.
Well, so why did
you move the body then?
I don't know.
What if somebody
heard or saw the argument?
I don't know!
Well, you should definitely
dispose of the corpse.
Graham, you really have
no grip on the real world.
Oh, spoken like
a true hypocrite.
Why don't you just bury it
in the serial killer's plot?
Oh, that's at the
other end of the allotment.
Finish me off
dragging his fat ass back there.
Well, bury it in yours then. I
mean if it's as messy as you say
then nobody will ever find it.
Christ! Even the thought
of dragging him another foot
gives me a bloody asthma attack.
Arrffff.
[BATTLE SOUNDS]
[HORSE NEIGH SOUND]
[BATTLE SOUNDS CONTINUE]
Ohh.
I'll think of something.
Maybe.
[MEDIEVAL ROCK MUSIC]
[CAR ALARM SOUNDS]
[PASSING HELICOPTER SOUNDS]
[CAT GROWLING SOUNDS]
[POLICE SIRES WAILING]
I think you should
unleash some of that old
Casimir vengeance on him.
[DRAMATIC
MEDIEVAL MUSIC]
Some imagination you've got?!
It's my fantasy.
Ha! You could've given
me some armor or something.
And I mean, what the
hell's that supposed to be?
Like I said, it's my fantasy.
Really?
Suck on that, Potter!
You can have her
Sir Brandt. Make the most of it.
For she will soon be as dead as
the vile creatures she commands.
Oh yeah? We'll see about that.
[INTENSE MUSICAL BUILD UP]
[MUSIC TEMPO PICKS UP]
Ha-ha! You cannot
defeat us both Wizard!
Yield!
The cold lure of this
grave-robbing vixen was enough
to turn you
from faith, eh, Palladin?
Ha. Do not mock my
new faith, Bumblebore!
And you know nothing of the
heat that heat that lies between
that Vixen's legs. But you will
feel the sting of her blade,
When she cuts your
legs from beneath you.
[EPIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
PETER: Sorry!
I thought you were one of them.
Don't waste any time. Find
your sanctuary. Go to ground!
What?
It's the big one!
I must document everything!
[EPIC MUSIC BUILD UP]
[GROWLING SOUND]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[CHOPPING SOUND]
[CONTINUOUS CHOPPING SOUNDS]
[SITAR FADES IN]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[GROWLING SOUNDS]
[PASSING SCREAM SOUNDS]
[WHEEZING SOUNDS]
[RADIO PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]
[FLY BUZZING SOUNDS]
[ALARMS WAILING]
[GUNSHOT SOUNDS]
[EXPLOSION SOUNDS]
RADIO JACK: There remains a multitude
of unanswered questions first and
forth most regarding the cause
of this horrible turn of events.
I can't believe, but
when it comes down to it,
the only fact that matters is
the one we can no longer ignore.
And that is, that it seems, and
I still find it hard to put into
words, despite having
seen evidence first hand.
We're genuinely in the midst
of an actual zombie apocalypse.
Now joining me in discussion
for these "end of days"
is Kevin Bartlett. Now
Kevin, hello and welco...
KEVIN: Yeah, yeah, hi John.
What I'd like to say I'm happy to be here
RADIO JACK: Er quite! So,
er what's your take on this whole debacle?
KEVIN: Well, first of all,
I could've predicted this would happen.
I-I did it, I know, I know
but I-I look. I mean look,
We've been obsessed forever,
with bloody zombie this and
zombie that. Do you know how
many zombie films are churned
- out each year.
- Quite a few I'm sure.
KEVIN: Er yep, m-my theory,
and you mentioned earlier about not
knowing the "how" of all this.
Well, I'll tell you exactly how
this has all fucking happened.
Sorry, can I swear John? Well
it doesn't matter now does it?
It's simple, and testament to
the towering power of the media
and the public conscience.
We've spent so long fawning over
these shuffling bags of bones,
reveling in film after film, TV
shows, books, video games, and
hoaxes, people have been
genuinely waiting for this day.
And why? Because with this kind
of PR it would be rude to have
a fucking zombie apocalypse.
- Er Kevin, can I stop you there.
- Yeah, wha-what's going on bud?
RADIO JACK: I think. I thi...
[INDISCERNIBLE SCREAMS]
KEVIN:
No, no!
KEVIN:
Let's get to the roof!
KEVIN:
Well, to the helicopter!
RADIO JACK:
Fucking helicopter? What?
[INDISCERNIBLE SCREAMS]
[SMOOTH JAZZ]
Ohh!
[OMINOUS TONE]
It's alright for you.
You don t have to hack up
and bury the people you kill!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[BURNING FLAMES SOUND]
Casmir the Cremator.
That's got a
bit of a ring to it!
Right, back to work.
Ooh, oh!
Ohh. Ugh.
[FLY BUZZING SOUND]
Alight Mr. Parsons.
Let's not keep
your legs waiting!
Unfortunately you're going to be
spending the rest of eternity in
my disgrace of a plot.
I'll try and tidy up for you.
God, I'll be glad to
see the back of you.
Ugh.
God! You are one ugly bastard!
Ahh! What the fuck?!
Ahh! Ahh! Oh, God!
Get off my crotch! Ahh!
Ahh! Ahhh!
Bloody open you.
Ahh! Aahhh!
Ugh! Help! Heeeelp!
I've got half a gardner
in here! He's trying to kill me!
Help me! Heeeelp!
Please, help! He's got
my legs, he's got my legs!
He's got, ohh god he's got!
You fucking door! Ahhh!!!
Pleeease! Ahh! Ahhhhh!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
[DRONING SOUND]
Oh, God! Ahh! Ahh!
Ahhh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh, God!
Ahh, God!
[FRANTIC STRING
INSTRUMENTS BUILD UP]
[FRANTIC MUSIC FADES OUT]
Ohh! Ohh!
- You!
- Ahh. Ahhhh. Aghhhhh!
The only thing is, you
were actually more annoying
when you were alive.
[HELICOPTER FLYING SOUNDS]
Help! Help!
TREVOR:
Heeeeelp! Agh!
Aghh! Heeeeelp!
[PEACEFUL SITAR]
[GROWLING SOUNDS]
BIRCH: I know a cry for
help when I hear one.
Come on, Birchy boy!
Ahh! Ahhh! Aaaaahhh!
Four bars,
half battery! Booyahhhhh!
Right, Bobbi.
Right.
Come on, Bobbi.
Come on. Answer, answer.
Answer the phone.
[EROTIC MUSIC]
[MOANING SOUNDS]
There's more of
them. They've got her.
PARSONS:
Aghhaaahh!
[CHOKING SOUNDS]
I have to make another
call. Don't you ever get tired?
Shhh!
[PHONE RINGING]
OPERATOR: Thank you for calling 999,
the UK's leading emergency service.
Your call is currently in a
queue and will be dealt with
as soon as one of our
operators becomes available.
For God's sake!
[EASY LISTENING MUSIC]
OPERATOR: Your call is important to us.
Thank you for your patience.
- Please continue to ho...
- For God's sake!
[INDISCERNIBLE CHATTER]
[EASY LISTENING MUSIC CONTINUES]
Oh, you like that do you? Ohhh!
[CROW CAWING SOUND]
Who'll be at home, who'll
be at home, who'll be at home?
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Graham
Oooh, Mistress Morana!
Oh! Oh, mistress!
Oh! Ughh.
[RINGTONE AND VIBRATING SOUND]
Jesus, T! You scared
the crap out of me!
GRAHAM:
Good thing I'm on the crapper.
God, that is a disgusting image!
Look, look, I need your help.
Kinda busy.
Doing what?
Umm, polishing my sword.
Look, even though you've got a
sword, I know that means your
penis! Can you just put it away
in your pants and fucking come
and help me?
We've got a situation.
What's that noise?
That's the
situation. Mr. Parsons is now
zombie Parsons!
GRAHAM:
Hahaha! shut up.
I'm serious Graham!
Look, I only called Bobbi.
I think they already got her.
Wait a minute. Am I on bloody
speaker phone? And who's they?
Do you b...?
The bloody zombies that's who!
I'm not the first
person you called?
You're not the second either.
I've got bloody 999 on hold as
we speak.
Ha, you put 999 on hold?
Well they put me on hold first!
Yeah, I hate it
when they do that.
It's bloody ridiculous. Anyway
look, I'm trapped in the shed
somehow. I can't get out. And I
need you to come down here...
Well, I can't.
What? Something more pressing?
Look, ughh. Just twat
the thing over the head and
bash your way out. I mean, it's
a shed. I'm sure you'll manage.
Are you, are you kidding me?
Look, I've gotta go. I'll
see you tonight, alright?
No.
No! No.
No! Ahhh!
Fuuuuuck! Fuck! Idiot!
Ahhhhhh!
Ohhh.
Ohhhhh, yessss!
OPERATOR: Is this call a
genuine emergency? If so...
[FRANTIC ORCHESTRA]
[INDISCERNIBLE PHONE CHATTER]
Ahh! Ahh! Ahhhh! Ahhh! Ahh!
My shoe! My shoe!
Ugh! Ahh!
That's my bloody shoe!
Give me my shoe!
Give me my bloody shoes!
That was my last pair of Nike's!
OPERATOR:
Please continue to hold.
One of our operators
will be with you shortly.
Now, a word from our sponsors.
SPONSOR: are you suffering
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Ahhh!
No! no, no! Nooo! Not
now! Not now! Nooo! Nooo!
[ORCHESTRA FADES OUT]
[UPLIFTING MUSIC]
Ahh! Ahhh!
[UPLIFTING ORCHESTRA]
Hahahaha. Hahaha. Ahh.
[ORCHESTRA FADES OUT]
[GARGLING SOUNDS]
Oh, you wanna
get that roof fixed!
You mind?
[SCREAMS]
[STABBING SOUNDS]
[STABBING SOUNDS CONTINUE]
By the way, I did
take your potatoes.
Sorry mate, I seriously
thought you were joking earlier!
It's fine.
What, so you wore a helmet,
but you didn't bring a sword?
Yeah, look, it's one thing
walking around town wearing
this, which, by the way,
is a very clever move,
but I can't be dragging
a sword around town.
It's bloody heavy for starters.
Well, at least you
got over your agoraphobia.
Yeah, yeah alright,
I'm not agoraphobic. Fine.
Surprise.
Look, at least I came, yeah?
It's bloody dangerous out here!
I saw two women
eating another woman.
What, did you
watch it on your phone?
Not like that!
And I saw some hippie
chewing some blokes arm off!
Oh, bloody vegans!
I think we should
head to the coast.
- What?
- Well, there might be boats.
- That's a stupid fucking idea!
- No, it's not.
Yes it is. Where's Bobbi?
- I dunno. I think they got her.
- You think?
Can't be sure.
Harriet's with Bobbi.
We need to save our women!
We really, we, we really don't.
I cou...
So my thinking is, you
know what choice does she have?
Suicide? Becoming a sex
slave for a heavily armed gang?
Donating her
brain to the hungry?
Well none of
that's likely to happen.
I think it's more likely than
her shacking up with you in some
post-apocalyptic wasteland.
Hahahaha. You wait.
Chicks dig a
knight in shining armor!
What the hell?
God! I think
it's Peter? Well, part of him.
What, you can
tell just from his arm?
No.
The camera.
PETER: My name is Peter Jones.
I'm a-well, I'm doing my masters in
agriculture, but that's doesn't
matter right now. Start again.
My name is Peter Jones,
and I'm a concerned citizen.
If you're watching this these
could be the very last recorded
thoughts of mankind. It's
not too late for you though.
You can escape. These
things are slow and cumbersome.
Ahh! Ahh-ahh! Ahhhh! ahhh!
Ah-ahhaha!
Ahh-ha! Oohoohoo! Ahhh!
Ahhh! Oh, God!
Oh, Jesus! Oh, Christ!
Ahh-haha! Aaaah! Ah-ha!
[EATING SOUNDS]
Documenting the
zombie apocalypse?
Who the hell's gonna watch it?
Us apparently!
Oh, Christ! And now
they're best buddies. Great.
Well, if you cant
eat 'em, join 'em.
Right, I'll take
Peter, you take Ted!
What about her?
She's got a dodgy
leg. She'll be a while.
Come on, you!
Come ooon, youuu!
Ahh! Take that you idiot!
Ah! Yes! Ugh! Ug! h
- Do they die this way?
- I'm not sure!
- Take that! Take that!
- Ugh! Ugh!
- Ahh!
- Oh, God. No!
[INTENSE MUSICAL BUILD UP]
No, Doc. No, no,
It's, it's me. Ahh!
[MUSICAL BUILD UP FADES]
Thank you?
Yeah, thanks Doc.
DOC:
Don't mention it.
You look like you've been busy.
It's like fucking Christmas.
I've got a more
traditional approach to
Christmas myself but,
You know I don't know why you're
looking so shocked Trevor.
I saw what you did
to Parsons. Very impressive.
Thank you.
So, ugh, what's in the bag?
- You don't want to know.
- Huh, I do. Hm.
Oh!
- Oh, heads!
- Heads?
Yeah! hahaha.
What's in the other bag?
You really don't want to know.
Hm. Pretty open-minded.
Oh! Fu... ohh!
GRAHAM:
Ohh!
Lady parts. You know, If you
soak 'em in vinegar long enough,
Just like calamari.
We have to go!
Ah, I've got to
go and see my wife.
Yeah, and Harriet.
Well, hasta la vista guys.
Maybe see you around?
Yeah, better hope not.
Especially if
you're one of them.
You know they're not human.
Best thing to do is, you see
'em, kill 'em. Simple right?
Noted. Thank you
very much. Very useful.
I would hope you'd
do the same for me.
- Yeah.
- You see me shuffling around,
kill me. 'Cause I don't
wanna be one of the living dead.
I wanna be one
of the dead, dead.
Dead, dead. Got it.
Well, don't worry.
I'll clean up your mess.
Alright.
Okay, thank you.
I told you he
was a serial killer!
Ahhaaahh!
That's something
you don't see everyday.
Yeah.
This is your street isn't it?
Yeah, alright, keep up with me.
Keep your eyes open. Let's go!
Bollocks!
[INTENSE ORCHESTRA BUILD UP]
Oh!
[SERENE MUSIC]
OPHELIA:
Lie still, Sir Casimir!
You are wounded.
But you will live.
I'll make sure of it.
So beautiful. Who are you?
My name is Ophelia.
And these are my sisters,
Iphelea and Upheleme.
We are honored to tend to
someone so brave as you.
We are humbled by your presence.
Yet, I would still
beg for one small favor.
Anything.
A kiss
from your brave lips.
Should you
have the strength, sire?
Hmm.
[GENTLE STRING QUARTET]
My sisters would
ask the same favor.
Should you have the strength?
Think so.
- Oh!
- Hahaha.
Welcome back, T!
Oh, Thanks.
How long was I out?
Oh, a couple of days.
Oh, Christ!
What's it like out there?
Hahaha. Just kidding!
Before you start on me,
you look like a bloody zombie
because you're covered in blood.
If you'd come to the
front door. Oh, no sorry, wait.
I suppose you lost your
keys as well as your inhaler.
Do you know what Trevor? You
are so rubbish when it comes to
crisis like this,
you really fucking are.
Oh, come on Bobbi, he's
just woken up, give him a break.
No, because he's a
lazy bastard, Harriet!
Why's she wearing my shirt?
I think that's
obvious. Hmhmmhmm.
Well, faced with the
imminent prospect of death
they, uh, finally gave
into their sapphic whims.
TREVOR:
What?
I think they had sex!
Now, that I'd like to see.
Well, half of it anyway. Haha.
Hey, don't stretch
that. That's my favorite.
It was until you
"tittied" it up!
Oh, Christ!
Oh, I need to take a shower.
There's more pressing
things than you washing Trevor.
Are there Bobbi? Are there
really? 'Cause let me tell you
something. While you've been in
here munching on your friend,
the world out there
has gone to absolute shit!
So before this
apocalypse really kicks in,
I'd like one last shot
at some hot water, okay?
So my suggestion to you
is, shut your fucking mouth,
and put the
immersion on! 'Cause right now,
I really wanna wash
these fucking brains off me.
I don't think there's
any need to swear at me
Yes, there is actually!
There's every fucking need!
And may I point
out that thus far,
the only injury I've received
is from my fuckwit of a wife
and not from a fucking zombie!
- Trevor?
- Apology fucking accepted!
Right, I'm now going
upstairs to take a shower.
Stay away from the
doors and windows, alright?
Just keep quiet,
everything will be fine,
we'll sort everything
else out when I get back.
Well, that was awkward. Err?
[SOMBER ORCHESTRATION]
So, you "Bi" then?
Who said that?
Well, you know, you and Bobbi?
Maybe I'm a lesbian.
Maybe? What, you don't know?
No darling, you don't know.
Nah, I don't buy it.
All that stuff at the salon.
We all want a
happy ending Graham.
Well,
I guess we're never
going to get one now.
Trevor?
- What?
- Oh, for God's sake,
I've seen that pathetic
excuse for a penis enough times.
Well your vagina s.
Rubbish. what do you want?
Oh, for God's. Is that
any way to talk to your wife?
Eh? Anyway, look,
I just wanted to say 'sorry'.
You know, about,
about the old Harriet thing.
And I know you're pissed off.
- I'm really not.
- But, if it's any consolation,
it's 'cause she
wanted a threesome with us.
She what?
Ah. See,
I thought you'd like that.
[INDISTINCT MUMBLING]
Just.
How is he?
Ugh.
Ugh. Morana! Morana! Oh, God!
Oh, yeah.
Morana. Oh, Morana.
- Ohhhhh!
- Oh, Casimir!
You're so HUGE!
Much bigger than Sir Brandt.
Oh, yes! Fill me!
Morana you dirty
little temptress! Aghh, Ohh!
Oh yes, I've never been
filled like this before!
Feel my power Morana!
Feel my power inside you!
Fill me with your staff
of power! It's so good!
Oh, you're so huge! Oh, Casimir!
- Feel my power!
- Oh! Oh! Give it to me!
- Ohh! Ohh!
- Give it to me!
- Ohh!
- Casimir!
Alright, lover. Do you
mind if I sit of your face
while you fuck my friend? Haha!
Ooh! Oh! Oh, God! Oh!
- What the hell?
- Zombies!
- They've got in!
- My face!
- It's Harriet's fault!
- Hey!
You muppets!
[SINISTER TONE]
[MOANING SOUNDS]
[INAUDIBLE]
[MOANING SOUNDS CONTINUE]
TREVOR:
Feel my, feel my power!
I could of sworn
I heard something.
Like what?
I dunno.
Fucking Trevor. Why'd
he have to come back?
I know, right. When we
were having so much fun!
I'm wet just thinking about it.
You're a very bad girl!
[MOANING SOUNDS]
There! Didn't you hear that?
Ahh!
[INTENSE MUSICAL ORCHESTRA]
Ah, Stop! Ah! Ohh!
Oh, my God! Run! Zombies!
Zombies!
- What the hell?
- Zombies!
- They've got in!
- My face!
What did I say?
Tell me, what did I say?
I said, stay away from
the doors and windows.
These things. Anything but
advertise our presence.
That's all you had to do.
Literally everything.
And yet I get five minutes to
clean up and somehow you,
mouth breathers, manage
to let in pervy Uncle Fester!
It wasn't me T!
I know Graham. I know.
My face, it really hurts!
I'm sorry about that
Harriet, I really am, although
I could say, I told you so.
Oh, don't be
so bloody smug Trevor.
And why shouldn't I be smug,
Bobbi? For once something
terrible has happened and it
isn't my bloody fault! Hahahaha!
Ugh.
Fuck.
[THROWING UP SOUNDS]
Ahhhhhh?
Ohh.
Shhhhh! Shhhhh! Shh!
[INDISTINCT MUMBLING]
[GROANING SOUNDS]
Christ!
[SUSPENSEFUL AMBIENCE BUILD UP]
Shh! Shhh! Shhh!
Wait. Wait.
I Think they've
headed to the bedroom.
We need to make a break for it.
Make a break for it?
Ugh, yes!
The compound is breached!
What we gonna do about her?
Well, she comes too!
No, she's been, uh...
BOBBI: Listen, if we
go, we've gotta go now!
I can't go out in just a towel!
Oh, man up!
I'll man up when you
give me your bloody clothes.
Well, why don't you go to
the bedroom then, and slip into
something a little
more comfortable,
with dead fucking Derek?!
- Shit!
- No, he's right.
He needs clothes.
Thank you, Graham.
You're gonna have to kill Derek.
You expect me to wrestle
a zombie in just a towel?
That's really, that's
really supportive. Thank you.
Fucking sake! Do
not leave me alone with him!
I'm still here Bobbi!
I know, I know
mate. I just meant...
HARRIET:
Bloody Derek!
I gave him a discount even.
I did!
Fine. Fine.
I'll do it.
I'll deal with Derek.
Oh, you don't
have to do that mate.
No, no, no. No, no.
It's okay. I'll take care of it.
Ugh, I'll distract him while
you go and get on a pair of
bloody trousers and shit.
You'd do that just for me?
Yes, mate.
Give us a hug!
Uhh, okay. Enough of that.
That's uhh...
That, that was not,
not to do with that.
Okay, ugh, we'll be right back.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Ughhuhh.
Harr-Harriet?
What's happening to me?
You're going to be okay,
alright? You're gonna be fine.
Stay behind me.
HARRIET: I can't believe
Derek actually bit me.
He's usually so gentle with me.
Yeah. I-I-I told Trevor that
you'd have a threesome with us.
Oh, God.
I really didn't,
I didn't mean it.
This is for
fucking the lovely Morana!
You festering
piece of offal! Ahh!
Ahh!
Go on, Trevor! I've got this!
Ahhh! Ahha! Ahhhh!
[STRUGGLING SOUNDS]
Ah!
See! All those times you
bitched at me for leaving
clothes on the
floor. And now it pays off!
Is she turning?
Oh, I think so, yeah.
Right so, that's you
fully dressed then?
Well, it's a start isn't it?
Harriet? I know seems
horribly inappropriate but
do you think I could
possibly have my t-shirt now?
Oh, for fucks
sake Trevor, come on!
What?
Just why don't you get
some dirty ones out the
laundry basket
or something? Why?
[OPENING AND
CLOSING DOOR SOUNDS]
You've got to be shitting me!
Graham.
Cheers mate!
Hey, I told you I had it?
Now I have!
GRAHAM:
What?
- What, I've got two.
- Ugh.
I'd forgot it
was in there, alright?
I have laid waste
to your enemy my lady!
Vengeance is yours!
We're fucked mate.
You two should probably get out,
you know, before any of
the others find their way in.
Yeah.
I'll never forget this.
Oh, right, Trev.
Come on, let's go.
So long, Sir Brandt!
Farewell, brave Casim...
Oh, for fucks sake. Come
on, Sir Wankalot. Let's go.
- Sorry.
- Bye, Bobbi.
Thought you might need this.
I didn't know you cared.
Oh, don't be silly.
Well, I'm sorry about Harriet.
I'm sorry about.
- Graham.
- Yeah.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
Graham?
I know my love.
This is the only
end I could of wished for too.
I want
to ea-eaaa...
I, I want you.
I want you.
Come on, let's beat this thing.
[MOANING SOUNDS]
- Come on.
- We should get going.
Were you serious about
that threesome by the way?
Because, umm, if you were,
there might still
be other people alive.
[ROMANTIC OPERA MUSIC]
[ROMANTIC
OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES]
[OPERA MUSIC FADES OUT]
[BELL RINGING]
[OMINOUS TONE]
Balls!
- Double balls!
- Yeah!
Hey, numb nuts!
Say hello to my little friend!
Ahh!
[HIGH TEMPO PERCUSSION]
Ahhhhh!
Ain't no ice cream
in your fucking future!
Doc! Thank God!
Well, don't thank him. I'm the
one doing all the heavy lifting!
- Is this the wife?
- Oh yeah, Bobbi.
- Bobbi Doc, Doc Bobbi.
- Nice!
Hiya!
Why don't you take the lady,
and I will handle
the rest of these fuckers!
Lady?
Ah, it's just a figure of
speech, no offense intended.
No, none taken at all.
Wh-why don't you come with us?
No, I'm having too much fun.
But why don't you take
her some place nice and quiet
and start to
work on repopulating.
Looks like she's got
some child-bearing hips.
I'll see you around.
Haaaaaaa!
So why can't you just
be like Doc then, Trevor?
I'm not going to be
like him. He's a weirdo.
Right. Well, you're
meant to be the fucking hero.
Did you see him? He had,
he had a bag full of vaginas
and who wears a cowboy hat
outside bloody East London?
- Wel...
- I, I'm taking you somewhere.
Alright?
I'm taking you somewhere
safe, and things are going to be
better. We're going to
be able to live off the land.
We're going to be able to
start again. Everything's gonna
be great,
alright? I promise you.
Everything's going to be
incredibly, incredibly amazing.
So, this is your
somewhere safe then?
Well, I like
to say "get a life".
Precious commodity now.
Yeah, well maybe
you're a sad excuse for one.
I'm glad you're
still alive Trev.
Thanks.
Wait here.
Oh, Christ!
Trev?
[INDISCERNIBLE CHATTER]
Trevor?
So?
TREVOR:
Come in!
Cheers!
Well, at least it's not raining.
Well, only 'cau-cause
your toys would get wet.
- They're not toys.
- No. Well, yeah they are.
No, yo-you wouldn't understand.
No, Trevor. I understand. I
understand that this is your
hide-out, and that you'll do
anything else except prepare
for the fucking world to end.
But, yeah. I guess I should
of seen that coming should I?
- Jesus!
- Trevor, Trevor?!
How are we meant to survive if
all you're doing is playing with
toys and brewing whatever
the fuck are in them bottles?
It's not brewing, it's
distilling! And it-it's vodka!
Right! Okay, then. Well,
I'll tell you what we'll do.
We'll get really, really pissed
on your moonshine, yeah?
And then with any luck,
hopefully, hopefully we'll be
that fucking pissed we won't
feel a thing when the zombies
come and fucking eat us!
- What is that?
- Lea-leave it!
- What Is that?
- Come on, I just came
in here deliberately before you
so you wouldn't have to see it.
You don't want to
see it. It's messy.
Are you protecting me?
No, I just don't want
you throwing up in my shed.
- Are you being a gentleman?
- Hardly.
Oh, Trevor!
The one that
used to be so sweet.
- Don't be ridiculous
- He's back!
Shut up!
Look Trevor, you know,
you know about Harriet?
It's okay. I forgive you.
Really? Because I-I
was afraid you were dead.
You know, I just wanted
pleasure before I was too.
Totally understandable.
Ah, but, at least there
weren't any men involved.
There is that.
And you weren't dead.
Not yet.
You know we could.
What?
Well, it's been a
long time hasn't it?
Jesus Bobbi, are you
trying to seduce me?
Oh, Trevor. I remember the time
where you didn't need seducing.
What was it that
you used to call it?
Staff of power.
- Oop!
- Oh!
- There it is! Eeheehee haha
- Oh. There it is!
- Ugh. Mmm.
- Oh, Trevor.
God, it feels
a bit cold you know.
Maybe I should get my
warm mouth over it, yeah?
Ouch! For fucks sake!
Bastard fucking.
Christ almighty little shit!
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no. Careful with him!
- Careful with him? With him?
- Can I, can I just have him?
It's a piece of metal you twat,
that went straight into my leg.
Straight into my leg as I
was about to suck your dick.
You ungrateful sod!
Please, just, just, just,
just give him to me please.
Just, just, just
let me have him.
Oh God, Gandalf the fucking gay!
Casimir.
Cas-im-there, now!
[GROWLING SOUNDS]
[DRAMATIC TONE]
God damn it!
Woman!
- Shit!
- Oh, please Trevor!
Man the fuck up!
Oh, shhhit!
[TENSE ORCHESTRAL]
They came back.
BOBBI:
Back? Wh-what do you mean back?
Back here.
They're the allotment tenants.
Well, maybe they're
headed somewhere familiar?
- Bit like yourself?
- It's dawn of the dead Bobbi.
This isn't a
fucking shopping mall!
Well, either way the gardeners
are back. You know, you know
maybe the-they're
hungry for some fleshier shit
than fucking cabbage.
Yeah.
Fuck.
Trev, you reckon we
should shut the door lock?
Trev?
Fuck off.
Fuck off!
[INTENSE MUSICAL BUILD UP]
Shit, can't stop
making it fucking hurt.
God.
[MOANING SOUNDS]
Fuck.
I bet every shed on
this allotment has fucking
built in super cool
zombie killing gun stuff.
You could of at least
brought a golf club Trevor!
Trevor?
Trevor say something.
Ma-maybe I'm immune.
[BANGING SOUNDS]
Ah, come Casimir!
We have been at odds for
as long as I can recall, and
now I must offer
you an Olive branch
in your time of need.
Along with some sage advice
to assist you in
your predicament.
Thank you, Sir Brandt.
I appreciate your counsel.
Do you recall the Autumn
campaign some five years past?
Perhaps you can remind
me of the particulars.
Hahaha. My Lady Morana,
great strategist that she was,
had ordered her main
force to assault your castle,
whilst sending her seventh
battalion of zombie volunteers
into the otherwise impenetrable
swamp of Sagra since they would
be immune to the
poisonous fumes therein.
Hahaha. Yes, I do recall.
A glorious pincer movement.
Hahaha. She, uh, cleverly
fed you the information
by sacrificing her scouts
A worthy opponent.
Knowing that you would
have to divide your forces and
fight a losing
battle on two fronts.
But you,
you brave Casimir,
took it upon yourself to
take on the seventh alone,
from a hillside overlooking
the swamp, by hurling balls
of fire into the
combustible lowlands,
incinerating the entire
battalion single-handed.
Yes. Yes!
Before returning to your men and
successfully
repelling my attack.
Yes, yo-you, you're
saying I should leave Bobbi.
No you twat! Well
that as well probably.
I'm saying you
should torch the fuckers!
I've got it. I know
what we have to do.
What?
Right, they're all
round the front, yeah?
And?
We douse the shed in Trevoff.
Trevoff? Fucking hell.
We douse the shed in
Trevoff, open the front door,
climb out the back, make a
break for it, I'll make one into
a molotov. We'll chuck
it in. Burn them to death.
More death. You, you know.
Just, they won't do anything.
Yeah.
[MUSICAL BUILD UP]
[CONTINUOUS BANGING SOUNDS]
I'm saving one so
we can celebrate later.
[GLASS CLINKING SOUNDS]
You know it only takes
one of us to open the door?
I'm not leaving you.
Yes, you are.
Like you said you might be
immune. We can't know for sure.
- Trevor?
- We can't assume.
Assume makes an ass out of you
and me. That's a famous phrase.
Trevor?
- Assumption is the mother of...
- Trevor!
God, you know better
than to argue with me.
Just don't let me
become one of them.
And you were right. I did
start smoking to annoy you!
Right, just go.
You'll be alright.
Just don't make me ask
you again, alright? Now, go!
I said, go! Go.
[UPLIFTING EPIC MUSIC]
[MOANING AND GROWLING SOUNDS]
BOBBI:
You fucking bitches!
BOBBI:
[INDISCERNIBLE CHATTER]
[PAINFUL SCREAMING SOUNDS]
[EPIC MUSIC FADES OUT]
[THUNDER SOUNDS]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
NARRATOR: In the months that passed,
Trevor learned to tend the land.
To survive. He'd all
but forgotten Casimir.
Hell, he'd become Casimir.
A bloody hero, as much as any
man alone can be.
The real heroes he often
reflected as he worked,
were those that died so
that he might live. Bobbi.
Graham. He would always
remember their sacrifices.
DOC:
They're not human anymore.
They're dead.
When you see 'em, you kill 'em.
And I hope you'd
do the same for me?
'Cause I don't wanna
be one of the living dead.
I wanna be one
of the dead, dead.
NARRATOR: And he'd eventually
learn the most basic of lessons
for surviving a
zombie apocalypse.
When you find a good weapon,
you bloody well hold on to it!
[HIGH TEMPO DRUMS]
YOU'VE BEEN SAYING
THERE'S NO WORST THING THEN
SISTERS CRYING IN THEIR SLEEP
DYING ON THEIR
FEET TO TAKE YOU HOME
DAD IS THINKING
THAT I'VE BEEN DRINKING
MY WAY BACK TO YOU
MY WAY BACK TO
YOU ONE MORE TIME
I HEAR YOUR
LAUGHTER BUT ALL I'M AFTER
IS THE TEAR IN YOUR EYE
IT'S MY WINGS I CAN
FLY THAT'S IN THEIR WORLD
DAYLIGHT'S FADING
BUT I'M STILL WAITING
YOUR HAND ON MY HEART. TEARING
LONG AND APART
LIKE YOU DO
HEEEY-EEY,
I PICK UP THE PIECES BABY
DRY YOUR EYES
AND TAKE YOU HOME
LOCKED OU NOTHING
MOVES AROUND HERE
WITHOUT YOU
I KNOW YOU STOLEN
THE SHADOWS FALL
BEHIND THAT OLD FAMILIAR PAIN
OF ME STRANDED
AGAIN IN YOUR HEART
THE BOAT IS SINKING
AND I'M STILL DRINKING
MY WAY BACK TO YOU
MY WAY BACK TO
YOU ONE LAST TIME
HEEYEYY! I PICK
UP THE PIECES BABY
DRY YOUR EYES AND
TAKE YOU HOME
LOCKED OU NOTHING
MOVES AROUND HERE
WITHOUT YOU
[GUITAR SOLO]
[SOMBER ORCHESTRATION]
[ORCHESTRA CONTINUES]
[INTENSE DRUMS]
[TEMPO SPEEDS UP]
[INENSE MUSICAL BUILD UP]
[RAPID VIOLIN]
[ORCHESTRA FADING OUT]
[INTENSE MUSICAL BUILD UP]
[MUSIC FADES OUT]
[DRONING SOUND]