3
Once upon a time,
in a town not far from yours...
there lived a real fast guy.
His life was fast.
His friends were fast.
Even his food was fast.
But he was still not satisfied.
He wanted to share
his fast philosophy...
with someone else...
a beautiful girl.
The trouble was
she was in the arms of...
another man.
Good luck, honey.
- What are we gonna do, Janet?
- It's all right, Brad.
Everything's gonna be
all right.
You'll find happy hearts
And smiling faces
And tolerance for
The ethnic races
In Denton
You'll find a ramblin' rose
And a picket fence
Tenderness
And innocence
In Denton
You'll find
conference rooms
And a children's playground
Denton is a real okay town
Civic pride and civic duty
And Denton girls are
Full of beauty
You may call us
the goody-goody two shoes
We're here to cheer you
with the good news
That D-E-N-T-O-N
Gets T-E-N
That's ten out of ten
If you're looking
for a life of leisure
You're gonna get
a whole lot to please ya
Again and again
And again and again
And again
Denton, Denton
You've got no pretension
You're where the heart is
You're okay
Denton, Denton
I'd just like to mention
You're the home of youth
You're America's truth
You're Denton
Denton, U.S.A.
This is the mecca
of America
The Bethlehem of the West
This is the birthplace
of the virtuous
The home of happiness
Leisure-wise
we're sure you will adapt
Enjoy your stay
Have a happy holiday
And we'll all put Denton
Denton on the map
Denton, Denton
You've got no pretension
You're where the heart is
You're okay
Denton, Denton
I'd just like to mention
You're the home of youth
You're America's truth
You're Denton
Denton, U.S.A.
Denton, Denton
You've got no pretension
You're where the heart is
You're okay
Denton, Denton
I'd just like to mention
You're the acceptable face
Of the human race
You're Denton
Denton, U.S.A.
Well, how about that?
Wasn't that terrific?
And now for, well, certainly...
my favorite part of the show...
- and I sincerely hope yours at home.
- Get the whole crowd.
- Our regular in-depth discussion...
- Dressing room. Right here.
With Judge Oliver Wright...
Denton's leading
social scientist.
- Judge Wright?
- Mm-hmm.
Did you enjoy our anthem?
In a way.
I detect a note of reticence.
Are you perhaps
one of those amongst us...
who feel this emotive form of presentation
is overly manipulative?
Well, Betty,
there are many ways...
that the spider
may catch the fy.
There are monetary inducements.
- Hi, Brad. Hi, Janet. Come for Marriage Maze?
- Extortion.
Seduction.
I'm exhausted working on this documentary
for Farley's new show.
- Blackmail.
- Farley Flavors, our new sponsor.
- Oh.
- Whoo.
- Prejudice.
I tell you, Janet,
that guy's as close as we'll come...
to a successful man
in this town.
- And lies.
- Thank you, Judge Oliver Wright.
And now for a commercial break.
Okay, kids, let's hear
the five F's for today.
- "F" for-
- Farley!
- "F" for-
- Flavors!
- "F" for-
- Fabulous!
- "F" for-
- Fast!
- And "F" for-
- Five!
First and foremost...
Farley Flavors'
fabulous fast foods...
feed and fortify families
for a fabulous future.
Stand by for Marriage Maze.
Strike Denton Dossier.
Thank you so much, Judge Wright,
for another wonderful interview.
Judge Wright? Oh, come on, Betty.
First names surely.
Oh. Oliver. You're so tolerant.
Time for a coffee break
before you rush off?
I'd love to, that is if you don't mind
being seen with an older man.
Why, Oliver.
Since Ralph and I separated,
maturity is something I look for in a man.
- Hi, Ollie.
- Hi, Betty.
- Hi, Betty.
- Hello, Neely.
You keep up that
high standard of interview...
and I'm gonna have to include you
in Farley's documentary.
You're so probing.
A free thinker.
Everything's free there.
- Hi, Betty. The usual?
- Plus one.
There you go. Hi, Max. Hey, you gonna
be watching Marriage Maze?
- Sure am. This could be Bert Schnick's finest hour.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- This could be a major step forward for him.
- Yeah, a leap in the dark.
I better go check on the Bert.
Otherwise...
- Right.
- Good luck.
- Okay.
And here to bring yourjust desserts...
and a recipe
for a perfect marriage...
is that gorgeous gourmet...
tossing the uproarious
salad of life...
Marriage Maze host,
Bert Schnick.
Three seconds.
- Hoopla, Denton!
- Hoopla, Bert!
Thank you. Welcome. Thank you.
Before we start I want to say one or two words
about tomorrow night's great new show...
The Faith Factory Sh...
And as a matter of fact,
we have in the studio audience tonight...
the host and his lovely cohost.
Give a big hand, please,
to Ralph Hapschatt...
and the vivacious
Macy Struthers.
Hey, Ralph!
Let's get a camera in there
for heaven's sake.
- Over the moon about that commercial, Macy.
- Thanks, Bert.
Got a good show lined up
for us tomorrow night, Ralph?
You bet, Bert!
Good! I'm gonna be there!
Ain't we all, viewers?
Macy Struthers with my husband.
God, I must've been blind.
Still, the weaker the man,
the dumber the blonde.
Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors
sitting in the audience there?
What an ideal couple they are.
You know more than anyone else in Denton,
they represent the old values.
Ike would have
been proud of them.
And now, would the first couple who seem
to have made a hash of their marriage...
and cooked their goose,
step this way, please!
- You!
- That's us, Brad.
Come on. What's cooking up there?
Come on down, you guys.
Let's feel you.
- I'm not going, Janet.
- You've got to. Everyone's watching.
Face the cameras.
Face the cameras.
Now introduce yourselves.
- My name is Brad-
- I am Janet-Oh. Sorry.
I'm Janet Majors,
and this is my husband Brad.
Hey, Brad, we've been hearing some
bad things about you. Haven't we, Janet?
- Haven't we, Janet?
- Yes, he needs help.
Help? Let's face it, Janet.
Brad's an emotional cripple.
I know, I know.
It looks like Rest Home for
this stupid old marriage, eh?
Tell me, Janet.
Do you watch Dentonvale?
Yes, I've caught it
once or twice.
That's right. DTV's
most popular hospital series...
featuring those perennial favorites,
Nation and Cosmo McKinley.
Neuro-specialists
par excellence.
I recommend, if you
pardon my French, Janet...
that you send Brad
to them for treatment.
Well, I know he's a little boring,
but neuro-specialists.
- That sounds a little drastic.
- It's no use pussyfooting around, Janet.
We have to cut quick and deep.
McKinley? McKinley?
- Bert brought them over from Europe.
- Oh?
They had a very popular series together.
It's still rerun in a lot of countries.
- You must have seen them in Dentonvale?
- No, I never watch that.
I'm afraid there's only one
solution. Isn't there, folks?
One, two, three.
Dentonvale!
Hoopla! Don't go away!
We'll be right back to see
if Brad and Janet want to play or pass.
Great.
Congratulations. I think
you've made a wise decision.
- But-But I-
- Janet?
- I'm not going.
- What do you mean, you're not going?
You'll ruin the show.
Bert's made all the arrangements.
But I don't need treatment.
But you do need glasses, eh, stupid?
Doesn't he?
I am sick of being humiliated by you!
Bert's right. You're going.
It looks like Brad and Janet Majors
have a big decision to make.
Here's some more prizes
to amaze here on Marriage Maze.
Dear blender
- You won't blend into the background...
Won't you help
a first offender
Oh, toaster
- Pop up in the popularity ratings...
Don't you put
the burn on me
- Just look at this.
Refrigerator
Why are we always
sooner or later
Bitchin' in the kitchen
or crying in the bedroom all night
Living on a knife edge?
Dear knife drawer
- Stay sharp with this keen knife.
Now won't you help me
to face life more
Oh, trash can
- You can-can with the trash can.
Don't you put
the dirt on me
Oh, percolator
Why are we always sooner or later
- No toil, no trouble.
Bitchin' in the kitchen
or crying in the bedroom all night
Everything used to be okay
But I've been had
And, Brad I'm glad to say
Is on his way
Micro-digital awaker
Why are we always
sooner or later
Bitchin' in the kitchen
or crying in the bedroom all night
Shower curtain
- Wash those blues away...
Won't you help me
to be certain
Oh, toothpaste
- Arm yourself to the teeth...
Don't you put
the squeeze on me
Depilatator
Why are we always
sooner or later
Bitchin' in the kitchen
or crying in the bedroom all night
Now it's back to Marriage Maze. And for
those of you who are Dentonvale watchers...
here's our surprise guest.
- And here's Bert!
- Hey, folks! It's Ricky from the Rest Home.
- Hey, Bert.
- Hey, Ricky.
I've come for Mr. Majors.
Brad will learn how to care
in the surgical chair.
- Nothing serious, I hope?
- Oh, no. Just a routine checkup.
Just a routine checkup,
eh, viewers?
Come in.
Tell me, spectator
Why are we always
sooner or later
Bitchin' in the kitchen
or crying in the bedroom all night
Well, Bert's done it again.
Another rocky marriage
is headed for intensive care.
The subject is committed.
As are we all.
Dentonvale.
The Arrival.
Introducing Brad and Janet Majors.
Mr. And Mrs. Majors.
How wonderful to see you.
I'm Doctor Cosmo McKinley...
and this is my sister
and colleague...
Dr. Nation McKinley.
We understand you've been
going through a rather trying time.
Well, yes, we have.
Now listen. There's-
There's nothing really wrong with me.
Janet and I haven't
been getting along too well lately...
and I've had a little-
a little trouble...
- Oh, Brad.
- Ooh.
- Does he do this often?
- No, he's never done this before.
Good. Then there's still hope.
Lots and lots of hope.
If anyone can help Brad, we can.
- Well, he does need help.
- Nurse Ansalong, you've arrived.
- Oh, that was real short notice because the other models-
- Attend to Mr. Majors, Nurse.
There are just one or two formalities
that have to be dealt with, Mrs. Majors.
A contract to be signed.
Oh, could I do that
later, please?
Of course you can, Mrs. Majors.
Sign the contract tomorrow.
Ouch! Mrs. Majors.
Just one or two details.
Does Brad have any living relatives-
any blood relatives?
- No, he doesn't. Could I take care of this later?
- Of course.
Why did you tell me
not to sign now?
Well, that way you
get the first day free.
Here's Bert, that eternal showbiz wiz...
with a family connection
in the 30-Second Quiz.
As Janet's parents,
this should be really easy.
About Brad's family?
Your last clue is...
mental instability.
You have 30 seconds.
Mental instability?
- He was adopted, you know.
- Oh, yeah. I'd forgotten.
Well, I hadn't. I was worried about
inherited craziness when they married.
I said toJanet,
"What do we know of his parents?"
- Which leads us to-
This afternoon's surprise prize, Bert...
which is a delirious stay in
that evergreen series Happy Homes...
- with unlimited use of a new dream kitchen.
- Infantile regression?
- You got it!
- I got it!
- She got it! She got it!
- I got it!
I got it!
She got it!
Congratulations. Congratulations.
And it's Happy Homes...
to Harry and Emily Weiss
of Denton.
I got it! I got it!
She got it! She got it!
In one. Infantile regression.
Our speciality!
- Your speciality.
- I can't wait to begin on him.
Really, Bert, I don't know what
we'd do without you.
I must confess...
the decision to have Brad committed
was not strictly my own.
No, of course. There's Janet.
But if she was
so keen on getting him in here...
why wouldn't she sign
the contract?
No, it wasn'tJanet exactly.
- It was, in fact, your new sponsor.
- Sponsor?
- Dentonvale has been sold.
- Sold?
Dear old Bert's
settled everything.
Ja, you endorse
his Faith Factory...
- and he endorses your research.
- He?
How dare this person take
advantage of my weakness!
I don't think he intends
to go that far.
If only you knew
How to win some prizes
If only you knew
How to play
If you could sleep nights
And stop your crying
Then you might find out
I still love you
In my own way
If that's not enough
then I'm
So sorry I met you
It was almost like
Leading you on
But there's more to it all
Than just wringing your heart out
over something
That keeps on going wrong
So don't tell me
you love me
How am I supposed to know
what that means
No, don't sell emotion
You can't buy devotion
If you're falling apart
at the seams
I hope that
you'll smile when you
Reach your conclusion
I hope that you'll know
just what to say
But if it should mean
That the party is over
You should know
that I still love you
You should know that
I still love you
You should know
that I still love you
In my own way
In my own way
In my own way
In my own way
- Oh, my poor baby.
- Oh, Mom, it's Brad.
I know. I know, baby.
He's gonna get all the help he needs.
- But in the meantime, look. For you.
- What is it?
They call it a new look
at an old favorite.
I copied it from
The Window on the World show.
- The Far East meets the Midwest.
- Mom...
It's just what
the doctor ordered, I know.
- Come on in. My favorite show's just started.
- What show?
Dentonvale.
Love starts in the home...
and where better to
find this than in today's Happy Homes.
With guest star, Janet Majors.
If you're sick of having the goodness
boiled away out of your coffee...
replace that old perk of yours with
a coffeemaker of prestigious distinction.
And be the envy of all
with a coffeemaker that says it all.
Oh, thanks.
When that man of yours comes in from
the big outdoors with a burning thirst...
that only Lake Michigan
could satisfy...
make sure there's a cold can
of Krautmeister Light in the icebox.
He'll thank you for it.
And he'll thank Krautmeister.
For crying out loud, Emily.
Leave her alone. She's not a kid.
- Well, I wanted to see her in it.
- It's really very nice.
The material is imported.
Taiwanese.
Damn it, Emily.
She's not interested.
What are you trying to do,
Harry, start an argument?
Don't you want your daughter
to look pretty?
Who's she got
to look pretty for?
- She's got a husband.
- She's got a weirdo!
I've never been able to afford the time
to have a nervous breakdown!
- Oh, poor Brad.
- Thank God he was born an orphan.
It would have killed
his parents.
And thank goodness he hasn't ended up
like that Slepstrini boy.
What are you talking about? Danny
Slepstrini's a chip off the old block.
I played 18 holes of golf
with his father just last week...
and Hank says that Danny's moved
to New York to... better himself.
He moved, all right...
when they found him at the back of
Wilson's Bakery... naked...
with 15 other men.
Mexicans.
I'm gonna catch up on a few jobs
that need doing outside!
- You shouldn't have said that.
- But why?
Your father doesn't
like Mexicans.
Your father doesn't
like Mexicans.
A man should call the toss
Wear the pants
and be the boss
A man should be the drake
For his own damned sake
And men should be
the misters
And the masters
of their sisters
A man should be the reason
For a heart to break
So be moral Don't quarrel
Fair and square is best
Let me alert you
that virtue
Won't hurt you
or desert you
If you wear hair
on your chest
So always remember
to follow the rules
Box clever Jocks never
Hock another jock's tools
A man should wax a car
Fix a fuse and tend a bar
A man should like his brow
to be wet with sweat
And should know
the right occasions
To indulge in tax evasions
A man should know the settings
that his spark plugs get
Faggots are maggots
Thank God I'm a man
What a meal!
Scrumptious, meine Liebling.
I insist on the recipe.
Coming from a gourmet,
that's praise indeed. But... secrets.
With Fast-Food Farley at the helm,
it'll probably be TV dinners from now on.
Farley is already
a TVwinner as we shall see.
Dentonvale will run forever
now that his interest...
has embraced mental hygiene.
Our field.
I'm convinced there's
some kind of conspiracy.
- Conspiracy?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, that sounds
a little far-fetched.
Oh, I don't know.
Remember Lieutenant Orpheus?
He disappeared into that underworld series
and never came back.
Sounds like my husband.
He never came back either.
Not after Flavors gave
him a commercial break.
Oh, yes, Farley Flavors.
You know, I find it remarkable...
that his Faith Factory is being financed
by an entire nation's indigestion.
Who do you think gave
you the next episode?
So thatJanet will
be free to front line...
the new Faith Factory show.
- We're the experts.
- Who trusts experts?
WhyJanet?
Everyone loves
the girl next door.
Particularly Farley.
So it seems.
Come in.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I just came to give you this.
- Thank you.
- Hi!
- Hi.
- Hi.
We'd better get going.
Tomorrow's the big one, and Farley expects.
Oh, you bet.
- I guess we'd better leave you young things to it.
- Good-bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Oh, Ralph.
- Yeah?
- Shove it!
- Oh, you shove it too, Betty!
Alimony is just
another word for rape.
Conspiracy is right.
- The Denton Dossier is-
- Closed.
Dentonvale.
Special guest star,
Janet Majors.
- Janet!
- I've come to see Brad.
That's out of the question.
He's sleeping like a baby.
- It's you we're concerned about, Janet.
- Yes, Janet, how are you?
- Are you happy?
- Oh, I'm happy.
There are countless people
in this world, Janet...
who believe that they're happy.
But they only think
they're happy.
Oh, well, that doesn't
make any sense.
This might, Janet.
And a big Denton welcome
to my new delegation.
This is Farley
and I'm here with the score.
We're going to package and sell
some mental health to the nation...
with my dream
of the girl next door.
Oh, why aren't they doing
tomorrow's new dance steps
The way they used
to yesterday
And who draws
a perfect circle anymore
And if you're waiting for greatness
to shake hands with you
You'd better daydream
your life away
I've only wanted one thing
and that's for sure
You're not just looking
at a fast-food king
Just another
well-known face
You're not looking
at the king of anything
I'm gonna shoot for the moon
I'm gonna play high noon
I'm gonna take on
the entire human race
You're not looking
at a king
You're looking at an ace
Ooh, I got sight
and I've seen the light
And I'm gonna see
the coming day
When the sun in the sky
is a spotlight
Just for me
I'm gonna take my time
and rock some rhyme
Oh, it's gonna take
your breath away
You'll be the front page
rage of the age
Just wait and see
You're not just looking
at a fast-food king
Just another
well-known face
You're not looking
at the king of anything
We're gonna shoot for the moon
We're gonna play high noon
We're gonna take on
the entire human race
You're not looking at a king
No, no, no, no, no
You're looking at an ace
You're looking at an ace
You're looking at a goddamned ace
You're looking at an ace
You're looking at an ace
You're looking at an ace
You're looking
at an a-a-a-ace
I just love home movies,
don't you?
Time's tight, Janet.
Do it right, Janet.
Until tomorrow night...
Janet.
Well, Farley Flavors
is fairly fattering.
But I want to see Brad.
The question is, Janet,
does Brad want to see you?
- Quite frankly, he hates you.
- What do you mean?
Brad is harboring deep feelings
of hostility towards you, Janet.
- Towards me?
- It's classical.
Almost a textbook case.
Oh, no!
That's an extremely
negative response.
Yes, Janet. Leave
the crying to Brad.
Is it because
I'm becoming too popular?
On the contrary, Janet,
he wants to see your ratings soar.
He needs a woman of
exceptional desirability.
So, you see, Janet...
you can help us to help him.
Maybe I can.
Stand by for Faith Factory rehearsal.
I bet that Macy Struthers
had a hand in this.
We'll probably be replaced by an hour
of fashion tips.
- Now, Betty, don't overreact.
- Overreact?
You're the one with
theories about conspirac...
- Oliver?
- Yes, Betty?
Are you spoken for
this evening?
All right, you guys.
An early start tomorrow forJanet's debut
on Good Morning Denton.
By the time we unveil
Farley's Faith Factory show...
we'll have all earned
our beauty sleep.
- Could I just peep in on Brad before I go home?
- Home?
Home.
This is the nerve center
of operations, Janet.
You must stay here tonight.
That way we can all be together...
when Mr. Sun paints us a new day
with his golden brush.
And you can "peep in"
on Brad in the morning.
Morning?
Are all the beds made up?
Oh, yes! I've plumped up
all the pillows, changed...
- Then lock up for the night.
- Okay!
Clever of you to find this spot, Betty.
It pays to know
your way around, Oliver.
I thought the Home of Happiness would
give your theory a new perspective.
A stately pleasure home indeed.
Oh, I adore Coleridge Taylor.
As a matter of fact...
"It is an ancient Mariner...
"and he stoppeth one of three.
"By thy long gray beard
and glittering eye...
now wherefore stop'st thou me?"
I feel the heat
from your skin
And the stubble
on your chin
You're no good
You're no good
You've got dirt
on your hands
And everybody understands
You're no good
You're no good
Oh, what a joke
What a joke
You feel like choking
You play for broke
You play for broke
He leaves you smoking
Oh, romance is not
a children's game
But you keep going back
It's driving you insane
Drift into the treacle deep
Slip into its silent depths
Go to sleep
With your everything akimbo
Float into
the sandman's limbo
Night, night
Night, night
It's time for bye-byes
It's been a great day
Thanks a heap
Now it's time
For everyone
To go to sleep
Night, night
It's time for bye-byes
It's been a great day
Thanks a heap
Now it's time
For everyone
To go to sleep
"He went like one that hath been stunned...
" and is of sense forlorn.
"A sadder and a wiser man...
he rose the morrow morn."
Does this bird belong to you?
Janet?
Are you decent, Janet?
Hoopla, Bert!
Nice to see you up and about.
- Mac's waiting in the wardrobe, Janet.
- -Huh.
Care tojoin me
in an on-set snack?
Good morning.
I wanna see Brad.
Look at yourself.
You're beautiful.
The most desirable creature
that ever walked.
Oh, if only Brad could have found it within
himself to say those things to me.
He will, but it's up to you
to reawaken his feelings.
Farley's given you that chance.
You can use
the Breakfast Show...
to knock Denton dead.
Do you really think so?
Everybody needs you.
But what'll I do? What'll I say?
What'll I wear?
Ever since I was
a little boy
Dressing up has always been
my greatest joy
But when it's time
to be discreet
There's one thing
you just can't beat
And that's a strapless
backless, classical little black dress
Well, first you go
rip, rip, rip
Then you go
snip, snip, snip
Then you whip
in a zip, zip, zip
And split it up
to the hip, hip, hip
And as you
strip, strip, strip
You shiver and quiver
For that soft caress
As you slip, slip, slip into that little black dress
- Hoopla!
Ever since I was
the ein kleiner herren
It was the Cordon Bleu
for which I am most carin'
And the one taste treat
so sweet
That really can't be beat
Is what we have, ja How you are,
caviar That little black mess
- Voil!
- But how?
Well, first you go
rip, rip, rip
Then you go
snip, snip, snip
Then you whip
in a zip, zip, zip
And split it up
to the hip, hip, hip
And as you
strip, strip, strip
Oh, you quiver and shiver
For that soft caress
As you slip, slip, slip
into that little black dress
That minimal Minimal
Criminal Criminal
Cynical little black dress
Let's face it, Mac
That basic black is coming back
Let's face it, Mac
That basic black is coming back
Let's face it, Mac
That basic black is coming back
That minimal Minimal
Criminal Criminal
Cynical
Little black dress
Good morning, Denton. Rise and shine.
She'll be here any second now.
So let's give her a great big hand.
Come on now.
Oh, Janet, I can't tell
you how excited I am... for you.
We've got the band
and dancers and dry ice standing by.
Betty Hapschatt is indisposed,
so Macy will have to do the introductions.
I don't need introductions.
The fabulous, the golden...
the very wonderful...
- I knew it! Janet, Janet,
Janet Janet, Janet
- I knew it! Janet, Janet,
Janet Janet, Janet
There's just the two of me
Alone at last together
We've got the luck so far
We are my lucky star
Star, star, star, star,
star, star, star, star.
Deep in the heart of me
I love every part of me
All I can see in me
Is the danger and ecstasy
Yeah, one thing
there couldn't be
Is any more me in me
This is the me of me
Me, me, me
Me, me
Me, me, me
Me, me, me
I am my destiny
I'd never lie to me
I'd be willing to die
pour moi
I'll pray every day to me
And here's what
I'd say to me
This is the me of me
Me, me, me
Me, me
Me, me, me
Me, me, me
Me, me, me - Aah!
Ooh, me, me
Me, me, me - Yeah!
Whoa, me, me
Look at me
Moi, moi
Janet! Janet!
Janet!
And you can see
and hearJanet tonight...
on Faith Factory, brought
to you by Farley Flavors.
All right, Janet.
- You were far out.
- Terrific.
Out of self came selfessness!
You revealed yourself,
the real you, the secret you.
- And you liked what you saw, didn't you, Janet?
- Well, I must say...
- How's Brad?
- Well, if he caught my act, he'll be lookin' good.
It seems I'm his medicine,
so we're off to give him another spoonful.
Check you later, Betty.
I gotta freshen up.
Hey, how about that?
Janet was a knockout!
- Thank you.
- Yeah, she was terrific.
- Sexy!
- What?
At the same time fresh,
untouched, you know.
- Hey, how's Brad?
- He's fine.
Lucky dog, with a pretty girl
like that for a wife.
Yeah, he sure is.
No sugar. Thanks, Kirk.
Well, I'll sugar his daughter's...
Coffee, Kirk. I'm dying for it.
R.I.P., Betty.
You're off the air.
What's happening here?
Janet's on the Breakfast Show...
Brad's committed
to a nowhere series, and we've been...
Written out?
Dentonvale.
The Mission of Mercy.
Starring the increasingly
popularJanet Majors.
Hi, Mommy. Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Brad. I've just come to
tell you how fabulous I am.
Janet, where's that
lovely dress I made you?
Oh, Mac just whipped up
this little crowd-pleaser.
Well, you're practically naked!
I can't wear anything under it, Daddy.
It would spoil the line.
My God, Janet. How can you say such things? Look at Brad.
Look what they've done to him.
- Janet's parents?
- Are you the doctor?
- Yes.
- There's gonna have to be an investigation.
- There are regulations about this sort of thing.
- It's for his own good.
- Hoopla, Janet!
- Bert! Sweetheart! Oh, it's fabulous!
- What's going on here?
- You're wearing your black.
- Yes, of course.
- I adore that color.
Patient was in great danger
of doing himself a mischief.
We only want what's best for him.
As parents, you must understand.
No. No, I don't!
Brad doesn't need to be trussed up like a turkey.
There are drugs to keep him quiet.
- We used them. All of them.
- And none of them worked?
- No.
- Then double the strength.
- We did.
- We know our job.
We also know how you feel.
We're not strangers to confusion.
- We're not confused.
- Well, I am, goddamn it!
You trust Brad
with this crowd-pleaser?
I'm not a locum with
motive to suture myself
I've been a cynic
for too many years
Playing doctor and nurse
It can be good for your health
I've seen clinics with
those gimmicks in Tangiers
But if you open your heart
to a smooth operator
- Ooh. He'll take you
for all that you've got
He'll hand you a curse
that'll be with you later
It'll shake you
the way he takes off
Like a shot
You need a bit of
Ooh, shock treatment
Gets you jumping
like a real live wire
You need a bit of
Ooh, shock treatment
So look out, mister
Don't you blow your last resistor
For a vista
that'll mystify ya
You're blinded by romance
You're blinded by science
Your condition
is critically grave
But don't expect mercy
from such an alliance
Suspicion of tradition's
so new wave
You need a bit of
Ooh, shock treatment
Gets you jumping
like a real live wire
You need a bit of
Ooh, shock treatment
So look out, mister
Don't you blow your last resistor
For a sister that'll certify ya
You need a bit of
Ooh, shock treatment
Gets you jumping
like a real live wire
You need a bit of
Ooh, shock treatment
So look out, mister
Don't you blow your last resistor
For a sister that'll certify ya
Look at that!
Bert Schnick dancing!
- Bert can see!
- Macabre, isn't it?
The blind leading the blind.
- Welcome to the Faith Factory rehearsal.
- Thank you.
- We're all really excited about tonight.
- Oh.
- Oh, do I get one of those?
- Oh, yes, yes, of course you do. Of course you do.
Janet? Janet? Janet?
Janet! Janet! We wantJanet!
Oh, really?
Macy, why don't you takeJanet and help
her freshen up before the rehearsal?
Surely.
Ralph. You promised
me an introduction.
Later, Francine.
Frankie!
Bert, could you spare a moment?
Of course.
Janet! Janet! We wantJanet!
- Janet! Janet! We wantJanet!
- Janet, a quick word.
Could you tell our viewers what exactly you
will be representing tonight?
- Sanity for today.
- Wow!
And that's the word
from Janet Majors...
DTV's newest star.
Okay, guys, let's move on.
- How's Brad?
- He's a wreck.
- Check. The quacks are willing tools?
- The quacks are fools.
You know, I wouldn't mind doing Janet
one or two favors.
It's time to check
with Flavors.
Shoot.
Is there anything else
you'd like, Janet?
Yeah, a new carpet.
I hate the color. Don't you?
It's only one night, Janet.
- Don't forget who we're doing this for.
- Who?
Brad.
You know, I'm getting awfully sick of
hearing about that emotional cripple.
I've got a lot going for me, you know.
I'm going places. I'm gonna be someone.
I'm gonna win my way
into the lives and hearts of the people...
even if I have
to kill to do it.
I'll make the pathetic
little crumbs love me.
I don't even know why
I'm wasting my time here with you.
I should be with my people.
Janet! Janet! We wantJanet!
Janet! Janet! We wantJanet!
Janet! Janet! We wantJanet!
Janet! Janet! We wantJanet!
Janet! Janet! We wantJanet!
Hey, Janet!
- Girl, you're great!
- Oh, thanks.
- Hi. My name's Frankie.
- Francine!
And I think you're beautiful.
Hi, I'm Brenda. This is my brother Oscar,
and this is our friend, Glish Davison.
Janet, we really enjoyed doing
the Breakfast Show with you.
This is Janet.
She's a phenomenon.
So if you're looking for a standard
to which you can aspire
Then, baby
Look at me Whoa-oh
Look at me - All right!
I think you need a little rest.
You've got a big night
ahead of you.
Your clothes are real neat.
Reminder. Wardrobe check...
We wantJanet!
Janet! Janet! We wantJanet!
Aren't they great?
But getting back
to Faith Factory...
all in all, it looks
like an exciting new series for us.
Yes, and an attractive financial
prospect for Denton.
- And fashion-wise?
- What did I tell you?
Well, I can just say that Faith Factory
will be introducing a new look...
that will show off one or two old faces
in an exciting new light.
- Really? Sounds interesting.
- Did you hear that, Oliver?
Yes, Betty. But the false
promise of a new dawn...
usually leads to
a most bloody sunset.
No, I don't know whatJanet's next move
will be, but you can be sure of one thing.
- It all starts right here.
- Thank you.
And that's the word
from Ralph Hapschatt...
and Macy Struthers.
Janet! Janet! We wantJanet!
Janet! Janet! We wantJanet!
Oh, Oliver!
What are we going to do?
Care to indulge?
- Indulge?
- Mm-hmm.
- In a little, um, masquerade?
- Final reminder.
- Oh.
- Wardrobe check for Faith Factory medical outfits.
Wardrobe check for
Faith Factory medical outfits.
Dentonvale.
Parental predicament.
Oh, Harry,
what are we gonna do?
I don't know, Emily.
I'm worried.
Maybe I could wear
those black leather brogues.
Too fashy.
They'll clash with the new outfits.
It's all right, Brad, dear.
Have another sedative.
We'll miss you
on the show tonight.
Don't worry, Brad.
I'll be back.
- What about those Italian loafers I bought in Hawaii?
- Mmm.
I've just come to tell
you how fabulous I am.
Face it, Janet.
Brad's an emotional cripple.
- Quite frankly-
- He hates you.
Time's tight, Janet.
Do it right, Janet.
Until tonight...
Janet.
I've just come to tell
you how fabulous I am.
I've just come to tell
you how fabulous I am.
Out on a cul-de-sac
And I gotta go back
So come on, feet
We gotta hit the street
We've got it made
I'm looking for trade
I'm lookin' for love
I'm lookin' for trade
I need some young blood
I need some young blood
I need it now
I need some young blood
I need some young blood
And we're gonna
get it somehow
I'm on a dead-end street
I'm like a dog in the heat
I'm like a kid with no toys
I wanna get those boys
Oh, I can't be delayed
I'm looking for trade
I'm lookin' for love
I'm looking for trade
Oh, we're all livin'
like there's no tomorrow
And the way things are going
that's probably true
But without you and me, Sis
the world would fall to pieces
Vena cava Who's the raver
Our raving savior
that's you
I'm on the primrose path
I'm looking for a laugh
Remember, it's no fun
To be the chosen one
There are games
to be played
Looking for trade
I'm looking for love
I'm looking for trade
I need some young blood
I need some young blood
And I need it now
I need some young blood
I need some young blood
And I'm gonna
get it somehow
I'm looking for trade
Janet, Janet! We wantJanet!
- Janet, Janet! We wantJanet!
- Janet? Janet?
Wake up, Janet.
You've got guests.
You can come in now.
- Hi, Janet.
- How are you feeling?
Who are you?
- The band.
- Do you have any friends?
Sure.
You won't have soon.
What are you called, your band?
Oscar Drill and the Bits.
Betty, it's imperative we getJanet
out of Farley's fast fingers...
and Brad out of that hellhole before
they both disappear forever.
I don't mind
telling you, Oliver...
I'm not looking
forward to this.
If only I could
place that name.
- McKinley.
- There was a president.
President?
Past presidents.
Betty, this is
beginning to add up.
Really?
What'll I pin this on?
Faith, Betty.
But make sure it's your own.
In a hurry, Mr. Flavors?
There's a little lady
he doesn't wanna keep waiting.
- And a date.
- Who with, Mr. Flavors?
The past.
Like a virgin with an urgin'
in a surgery
I'll be swingin'
I'll be bringing out the nurse in me
The art will start
when I play my part
As a healer who will
steal your heart
Oh, look what I did
to my id
Oh, look what I did
to my id
With neurosis in profusion
And psychosis in your soul
Eliminate confusion
And hide inside
a brand-new role
Like a good-time girl
I'm gonna try some new tricks
This could be the start
of a whole new career
Got a deep plum lipstick
and some therapeutics
This could take us to a town
that's nowhere near here
Got the hot fush symptoms
and I'm feelin' sneaky
Young male intern
tall and handsome
Got my hem so high
they'll say I'm being cheeky
With legs like mine
I'm really made for dancin'
When heaven's in the music
Hell is in control
The angels got the voices
But the devil's got
the rock and roll
We may look like
we're phony medics
But we took our look
from a book by Fredericks
Oh, look what I did
to my id, kid
Look what I did to my id
Oh, Brad.
- He's an emotional cripple, remember?
Even he wouldn't like
to see you like this.
Ralph, I need a final statement from her, and
if I don't get it, there's gonna be trouble.
- Later, Neely, okay?
- Ralph!
How is she?
Well, come on.
Farley's expecting her any minute.
You guys get your asses
in front of those cameras...
and try and earn yourselves
a reputation, okay?
Well, move!
We just wanna ask
a few questions.
These are for you, Janet.
They'll make you feel
a whole lot better.
Yeah.
Amateurs.
- Give us a "J '!
- "J '!
- "A '!
- "A '!
- "N'!
- "N"!
- "E"!
- "E"!
- Give us a "T"!
- "T"!
We can't hear you!
- Give us a "J"!
- "J"!
Oh, my God. Character actors.
Ladies and gentlemen...
the studio band will soon
be here to entertain you...
in anticipation of tonight's
premiere taping...
of Farley Flavors'
Faith Factory.
And so if you're a follower
of exotic trends in fashion...
you'll find plenty to keep
you going here tonight.
And, naturally,
feeling the excitement...
and not wishing to stick out
like a sore thumb...
I had to get a little outfit
of my own together.
And this...
is it.
Ladies and gentlemen...
to help get you in the mood
for Faith Factory...
DTV proudly presents
Denton's own...
with a suburban garage sound.
Let's hear it for
Oscar Drill and the Bits!
Oh, Oliver.
This is one time charity
didn't begin at home.
One, two, three, four!
I know how it feels
to be coolin' my heels
I've been down on them
long enough
But if I take to them now
Then maybe somehow
You'll see
through the bluff
Of my playin' it tough
I've been a lifetime on deposit
And that's a long time
in the closet
And if you say to me
How was it
It was hard takin'
that heartbreakin'
Godforsaken route But I'm-
Buh-buh-buh-buh, buh-duh
Breakin' out
You may say that you choose
To be in my shoes
But look what it did for me
I got buried alive
I don't thrive on thatjive
Look and you'll see
That my spikes don't fit me
I've been a lifetime
on deposit
And that's a long time
in the closet
And if you say to me
How was it
It was hard takin'
that heartbreakin'
Godforsaken route
But I'm-
Buh-buh-buh-buh, buh-duh
Breakin'out
- Where are we goin'?
To a family reunion.
Breakin' out
- Breakin' out!
Breakin' out
Breakin' out
And she represents everything
our customers want...
innocence...
decency...
and the illusion
of a happy ending.
Oh, jolly good, Mr. Flavors.
And behind her image,
take-away therapy will thrive...
under the capable hands
of two great ethical intellects...
operating on the frontiers
of medical science.
- Huh? Huh?
- Mac and Nation.
Mac and Nation.
Yes. Great work.
And under the firm guidance...
of a great survivor...
in the treacherous
sea of diplomacy...
our own Bert Schnick.
Huh?
- Now let's get this show on the road!
- Hey!
Mr. Flavors, may I have a moment
of your time?
Sure thing.
We've heard rumors that you're going to
unveil more than just a new series tonight.
- Is this true?
- Absolutely correct.
Could you tell us
a little more about it?
Well, let just say...
we're planning on putting sanity
back on the national menu.
And how does local girl
Janet Majors...
fit into the scheme of things?
Very...
nicely.
Brad?
And he's resented you
all these years.
- And Janet?
- She represents everything he was denied.
By satellite, Farley
Flavors' Faith Factory.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Denton's own,
America's pride...
the world's example...
Janet, the sensation
of the planet.
We bring you
Miss Mental Health.
Isn't she lovely?
Mommy and Daddy love you, baby!
- She walks in beauty.
- That's my little girl!
Attagirl, Janet!
We love you, baby!
We all loveJanet.
- Who do we love?
- Janet!
Janet!
The dress Janet's wearing has been given by
Crme de la Crme Modes of downtown Denton...
and we've been asked that you take note of the
individual styling and exquisite tailoring.
This is just one of the many gifts so
freely and generously given toJanet.
The first of, we hope, many.
Miss Mental Health.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the president.
The president's here!
Zoom in there.
Hi, I'm Irwin Lapsey,
president of Lapsey Autos.
And I'm holding
in my hand here some keys.
Keys which I would like to give to the little
lady who's being so honored here tonight.
And I want to tell you.
If she takes these keys...
she will find that
they fit something.
And what that something is,
is an almost brand-new...
ultra-deluxe,
eight-cylinder convertible...
complete with radio, tape deck,
washable seat covers and many, many extras.
And it's all hers
for absolutely free.
Well, Janet's...
Janet's absolutely speechless,
ladies and gentlemen.
But here's someone
we do want to hear from.
Afirm favorite
of yours and mine.
You've revelled in his recipes.
You've marvelled at
his marriage guidance.
The all-knowing,
and now, all-seeing...
That's right!
Bert Schnick!
There. Down there. Come on, Betty.
Bert, you're beautiful!
- Hoopla, Denton!
- Hoopla, Bert!
- Thank you. Welcome.
- What's cooking, Bert?
I'll tell you what's cooking,
buddy, and I'll tell you too, you guys.
She made the blind see,
and it was a gift.
Who was the gift from?
- Let's hear an "F" for-
- Farley!
- And another "F" for-
- Flavors!
My friends!
And you are all my friends.
My friends, tonight we are taking
the first step of defiance...
and starting something
that will grow so big...
that the whole world will
reverberate with its sound.
And wherever our slogan...
"sanity and vanity"...
is uttered...
it will be linked
incontrovertibly with this night...
this station...
and this... beautiful face.
Huh? Come on! This way!
It's a crazy man!
- Seducer!
- And who are you, sir?
- Your twin brother and your accuser!
- Brad.
Arrest that man!
He's committed to our care.
I never signed your contract.
He's not going anywhere.
To revenge your twin,
you tried to abuse her.
A ridiculous accusation!
You force me to refuse her.
- Then why did you choose her?
- Because of you, sir.
You're a loser
An abomination in the eyes
of any sensitive man
And you're
a blind-alley cruiser
Always headin'
down a losin' straight
Dreamin' that you're
screamin' at fate
You're a dead-end deadbeat
nowhere mister
With a kisser like
a Mississippi alligator sister
I've took as much of you
as any man can
You've lost your heart
You've lost your cause
You lost your baby
when you lost your balls
You've lost your mind
You've lost your grip
So say bye-bye
We lost our mom
We lost our dad
And if I'm losin' you
Well, that's too bad
Well, the best thing you
could ever do
Is die
You're a failure
A malformation
in the guise of many
An also-ran
And you're a weeper
and a wailer
Always treadin'
on the toes of the great
Generally spreading
your weight
You're a spiteful, hateful
asinine creature
Apupil with no scruples who
knew better than the teacher
I've took as much of you
as any man can
You've lost your heart
You've lost your cause
You lost your baby
when you lost your balls
You lost your mind
when you lost your grip
So say bye-bye
We lost our home Our family
You've lost compassion
Now you're losin'me
Well, the best thing
you could ever do
Is die
Well, the best thing
you could ever do is die
Well, the best thing you
could ever do is die
Take no notice of him.
He's mad.
I'm as sane as you are.
- Saner!
- And he was only with us for one day.
They should be sent
to the Danube at dawn.
What?
Just memories.
We'll edit the tapes.
It'll never see airplay.
Um, I hope Mr. Flavors
will accept apologies...
on behalf of all of Denton
for this unfortunate incident.
It seems everyone wants
to be related to the great.
Damn right!
No offense. No offense.
On the contrary, this is a perfect example
of what we're here to combat.
Out! Out! Out! Out!
Do you see? You see, the way we got rid
of that dirty little dish...
is the way we're going to put
the rest of our house in order...
including the upstairs!
Yes, yes. Miss. You, yes.
Would you come up
and help us to inaugurate...
Farley Flavors' Faith Factory, transmitting
from coast to coast and continent to continent?
- You are Miss-Miss-
- Macy. Macy Struthers.
Macy Struthers!
Who loves you, baby?
She let me down.
She let us all down!
Shut up, Emily,
and listen to a success story.
This could be worse
than the old series.
In the old series,
we never had a convertible.
And remember, sanity today...
is a springboard to
the hygienic tomorrow.
Now will you follow me...
down the DTV trail
to Dentonvale?
Thanks, honey. They bought it.
Now out of the way. That's right!
I can't stand it.
Everything good always
happens to other people.
And fast-food giant, Farley Flavors
has just given Miss Mental Health...
what can only be described as
an official kiss of approval.
And the crowd are loving it...
as they follow her down
the Dentonvale trail.
Hey, look!
They're havin' a party.
Come on, you guys.
We're gonna miss out on the action.
Hurry! Get in there!
Some people do it
for compassion
Some people do it
for the fashion
Some people
do it to be funny
Some people
do it for the money
Some people do it
for enslavement
Some people do it on the pavement
But
We're gonna do it anyhow
anyhow
We're gonna do it anyhow
anyhow
We're gonna do it
no matter how the wind is blowing
We're gonna do it anyhow
anyhow
We're gonna do it anyhow
anyhow
We're gonna do it
We just gotta keep going
Some people do it
for each other
Some people do it
for their lover
Some people do it
for improvement
Some people do it
for the movement
Some people do it
for enjoyment
Some people do it
for employment
But
We're gonna do it anyhow
anyhow
We're gonna do it anyhow
anyhow
We're gonna do it
no matter how the wind is blowing
We're gonna do it anyhow
anyhow
We're gonna do it anyhow
anyhow
We're gonna do it
We just gotta keep going
Denton, Denton You've got
No pretension
You're where the heart is
You're okay
Denton, Denton You've got
No pretension
You're the acceptable face
Of the human race
You're Denton
Denton, U.S.A.
We're gonna do it anyhow
anyhow
We're gonna do it anyhow
anyhow
We're gonna do it
no matter how the wind is blowing
We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
We're gonna do it anyhow
anyhow
We're gonna do it
We just gotta keep going
We just gotta keep going
We just gotta keep going
The sun never sets
on those who ride into it.
Wejust gotta keep going
I'm not a locum with motive
to suture myself
I've been a cynic
for too many years
Playin'doctor and nurse
It can be good for your health
I've seen clinics with
those gimmicks in Tangiers
But if you open your heart
to a smooth operator
He'll take you
for all that you've got
He'll hand you a curse
that'll be with you later
It'll shake you the way
he takes off like a shot
You need a bit of
ooh, shock treatment
Get you jumpin'
like a real live wire
You need a bit of
ooh, shock treatment
So look out, mister
Don't you blow your last resistor
For a vista
that'll mystify ya
You're blinded by romance
You're blinded by science
Your condition
is critically grave
But don't expect mercy
from such an alliance
Suspicion of tradition's
so new wave
You need a bit of
ooh, shock treatment
Gets you jumping
like a real live wire
You need a bit of
ooh, shock treatment
So look out, mister
Don't you blow your last resistor
For a sister that'll certify you