Once upon a time,
there was a little
ogre named Shrek...
...who lived with his parents
in a bog by a tree.
It was a pretty nasty place,
but he was happy
because ogres like nasty.
On his birthday, the little ogre's
parents sat him down to talk,
just as all ogre parents had
for hundreds of years before.
Listen, son
You're growing up so quickly
Growing up
Bigger by the day
Although we want you here
The rules are very clear
- Now you're seven
- Now you're seven
- So it's time to go away
- So it's time to go away
Your mama packed a sandwich
for your trip
Your papa packed your boots
in case of snow
- You're gonna make us proud
- You're gonna make us proud
- No backing up allowed
- No backing up allowed
- Just keep walking
- Just keep walking
- And you'll find
- And you'll find
- Somewhere to go
- Somewhere to go
- It's a big, bright, beautiful world
- It's a big, bright, beautiful world
- With happiness all around
- With happiness all around
- It's peaches and cream
- It's peaches and cream
- And every dream comes true
- And every dream comes true
- But not for you
- But not for you
- It's a big, bright, beautiful world
- It's a big, bright, beautiful world
- With possibilities everywhere
- With possibilities everywhere
- And just around the bend
- And just around the bend
- There's a friend or two
- There's a friend or two
- But not for you
- But not for you
We're ugly, son
Which means that life is harder
No, no, no!
People hate the things
They cannot understand
And when they look at us
They tend to make a fuss
Burn our houses down
And chase us
- Off our land
- Off our land
It's important
that you find a cozy cesspit
A place no one
would ever dare to tread
And if they happen by
Make sure you terrify them
- If you don't, son
- If you don't, son
- Then you'll surely wind up dead
- Then you'll surely wind up dead
- Goodbye!
- Goodbye!
Watch out for men with pitchforks!
And so,
the little ogre went on his merry way.
And wherever he went,
crowds would welcome him
with festive torches and hatchets
and fun things like that.
But whenever the little ogre
tried to join in the fun...
...his new friends would suddenly
realize they had other things to do.
So the ogre did
what his parents had told him to.
He found a perfectly rancid swamp,
and there he stayed for many years,
all alone,
but very happy with how his life
had turned out.
Oh, come on. Not again. Aw...
Keep your big, bright,
beautiful world
I'm happy where I am, all alone
I've got all I need
So read the stinkin' sign!
Ow!
Keep your big, bright,
beautiful world
I party on my own anyway
Doin' what I can
with a one-man conga-line
Yeah, your big, bright
beautiful world
Is all teddy bears and unicorns
Take your fluffy fun
and shove it where the sun don't shine!
I prefer a life like this
It's not that complicated
Sure, I'm fated to be lonely
and I'm destined to be hated
If you read the books
they say it's why I was created
But I don't care
'Cause being liked
Is grossly overrated
Who needs
a big, bright, beautiful world?
I've got my own little patch
of the world
It's not a big, bright
beautiful world
But it's mine
All alone, it's mine
And it's mine
Yeah!
All mine!
Right this way!
- Aw!
- Ooh!
- Don't mind the mud.
- You'll get used to it.
This is not appropriate for wood.
I'm gonna bail
if we're in here for too long.
You know what? This bog...
- This place is a dump!
- It's awful.
- Take deep breaths, brother.
- He has panic attacks.
- This little piggy needs some Paxil.
- Oh!
Look, you read Lord
Farquaad's decree.
Yeah, yeah, we read it.
"All fairy-tale creatures have been
banished from the Kingdom of Duloc.
All fruitcakes and freaks will be sent
to a 'resettlement facility. '"
- Um... it smells like butt.
- Yes.
She's right. It really stinks.
When I call your name, step forward.
Pinocchio, the Puppet!
I am not a puppet, I'm a real boy.
- That's your patch of mud down there.
- Thank you very much.
- Shoemaker's Elf!
- Yes. Right here.
- Ugly Duckling!
- Aw! Dumped on a swamp!
Man, I tell you, sometimes being
a fairy-tale creature sucks pine sap!
Life is disappointing
Woe is what I know
Outed by my nose
That's just how it goes
for poor Pinocchio
Story of my life
Always doomed to fail
Cheated by a fox
Swallowed by a whale
That's the story
of my life, oh yeah
That's the story of my life
Three Bears, take your spot
over there by that sign.
No, that's too far!
Too close.
Ah! Just right.
Strife is never ending
Fairy Godmother!
- Banished from the town
- Wicked Witch!
They dragged me from the pond
They broke my magic wand
They blew our condos down
Mad Hatter!
Life is but a witch hunt
Mama's in the mud
Mama's in distress
They ridiculed my hat
They said that we were fat
They tore my cotton granny dress
and called me a hot and tranny mess
Sugar Plum Fairy!
Story of my life
Booted from the ball
The party's off the hook
But I'm too off-the-wall
That's the story of my life
You're late, Rabbit!
- That's the story of my life
- Have fun, you guys.
That's the story of my life
And remember,
if we find you back in the kingdom,
you will be executed.
I always dreamed
I'd get a happy ending
And this right here?
Not how it goes
I always dreamed
I'd get an "ever after"
If this is it, it blows
It blows
It blows
This is worse than that time
I caught Dutch elm disease in Tijuana!
Story of my life
All the wasted prayers
All the broken dreams
All the broken chairs
All the damage done
All the busted beds
- All the shattered bowls
- And the porridge on our heads
That's the story of my life, yes, sir
That's the story
of my life, oy vey!
That's the story of my
Life
What are you doing in my swamp?
Oh, gosh!
Well, we were forced to come here.
- Forced? By who?
- Lord Farquaad!
He huffed und he puffed
und he signed an eviction notice.
Oh, really?!
Well, not my problem.
Now you all need to turn around
and go back where you came from.
Go back? We can't go back!
Farquaad will turn us
into bratwurst!
Oh! The guy's bad news.
Hey, maybe
you could talking to him, huh?
Yeah, he'd listen to you!
You're big and scary.
I'm also an ogre,
which means I stay on my swamp
and avoid large crowds.
Or haven't you read the stories?
Ha! You mean those stories that say
that I'm a big, bad wolf?
- Oh yeah! That's so funny!
- Hey...
And the ones that say
I'm a wicked witch?
Or... Or the ones that say
that I'm a "wooden boy. "
What? I'm not a wooden boy.
I have a glandular condition.
Look here, ogre,
I'm gonna spell it out for you.
We don't want us here
any more than you do.
But you are the only one
tough enough to stand up
to that no-good flimflammer Farquaad.
Tough enough?
You don't even know me!
I always dreamed
I'd get a happy ending
It was foretold in my horoscope
Can't you help us out
with an "ever after"?
Can't you see
that you're our only hope?
- No.
- You're our only hope
- Hope
- You're our only hope
H-O-P-E
Hope
You're our only hope
Esperanza
- You're our only...
- OK, fine, I get it!
Attention, all fairy-tale things!
Your welcome is officially worn out!
I'm gonna go see this
Farquaad guy right now,
and get you all off my land
and back where you came from!
Time to say goodbye
Time to say farewell
Time for you to fly
It's been really swell!
Gosh, I'm gonna cry
Time to say goodbye
I'll be right back.
- Time to say vamoose
- Don't get comfortable!
- Ogre on the loose
- And don't touch my...
Time to say goodbye
Don't die!
It's my swamp.
I'm going to your house and breaking...
Whoa!
Somebody stop that donkey!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- Hey, how you doin'?
- I hear him over here!
Help a donkey out, would you?
Oh, no!
- It's hideous!
- Oh, that's not very nice.
It's just a donkey.
- Step aside, ogre, and let us at him.
- Why? What did he do?
I don't wanna die!
I don't wanna die!
He's a talking donkey.
A freak of nature.
As are you, you unsavory beast.
Hey, now, you're going the right way
for a smacked bottom, you are.
Mm... By the order
of Lord Farquaad,
I am authorized
to place you both under arrest!
Under arrest, eh?
I want to go home right now!
This is the part where you run away.
And don't come back!
Can I just say? That was incredible.
Man, they were trippin' over
themselves to get away from you.
- I like that.
- Oh, good, I'm glad.
Now, why don't you go celebrate
your narrow escape with your friends.
- But I don't have any friends.
- Now there's a shocker.
Say, you lost or something?
No, I'm just trying to figure out
the best route to Duloc.
Oh. Duloc?
I know Duloc.
You gotta let me show you the way,
because I am like a GPS with fur!
- I'll be fine on my own, thanks.
- But nobody's fine on their own!
Not when you look like we do!
Hey! Didn't you hear
what they said?
Man, this place is goin' Stepford!
We gotta join forces!
Otherwise they'll lock me up,
and I cannot go back in a cage!
I don't know if I
mentioned this or not,
but I did six years in solitary
for impersonating a piata.
Oh! That was really scary.
And if that don't work,
if you don't mind my saying,
your breath will
certainly get the job done.
Listen, little donkey,
take a look at me. What am I?
- Really green?
- No! I'm an ogre!
You know,
grab your torch and pitchforks!
- Doesn't that bother you?
- Nope.
- Really?
- Really, really.
- Oh.
- Damn, I like you. What's your name?
- Shrek.
- Shrek?
Well, you know
what I like about you, Shrek?
You got that whole, "I don't care
what anybody thinks of me" thing.
I like that.
I respect that, Shrek.
You all right.
Hey, hey, hey
You gotta let me go with you
You don't know what it's like
to be considered a freak
Well, maybe you do
But that's why we gotta stick together
No, no, no
Don't speak, don't speak, don't speak
Just hear me out
I might surprise you
I'll be a friend
when others despise you
Don't roll your eyes!
Stop with the mopin'!
You need a pal
My calendar's open
I I'll bring you soup
when you feel congested
I'll bail you out
when you get arrested
I got your back
when things get scary
I And I'll shave it
when it gets hairy
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Oh, oh, oh
You need me
You need me
I I'll treat you right
and never act shoddy
If you kill a man
I'll hide the body
What do you say?
You're not responding
I think we're bonding!
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Oh, oh, oh
You need me
You and me, we belong together
Like butter and grits
Like Kibbles 'n Bits
Like yin and yang
Sturm and Drang
Like Eng and Chang
Attached at the hip
But not an old lady hip
that might break
I'm gonna be on you
like a fat kid on cake
Num, num, num...
Like Cupid and Psyche
Like Pop Rocks and Mikey
We'll stick together
like that Velcro stuff
I'm the fuzzy side
You'll be the spiky
Ooh! Like little kids and pajamas
with those funny things at the bottom
You know, fee-ties
Like donuts
and what goes with donuts?
Donuts and diabetes
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Hold me! Hug me! Take me! Please!
Na-na-na-na-na
Please don't let me go
I need you, I need you, I need you
I need you, I need you, I need you
I need you, I need you, I need you
Don't let me
Go! Go! Go!
Don't let me g-g-g-g-g-go!
OK, look, only because I'm lost,
you can come.
Uh-uh... On one condition!
You keep the jabbering to a minimum.
You got it! No jabbering!
Man, you will not regret this.
- Too late.
- Now, that's what I'm talking about!
Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends
off on a whirlwind big city adventure!
Farquaad is on his way
He's on his way
He is nearly here
He's down the hall, getting close
He is just outside
Behind the door
He is on...
... his...
... way
Here... he... is
Right... here
Thelonius, I'm ready.
Bring in the cookie!
Oh, gosh. Uh-oh.
What's happening now?
Oh! This is scary. Oh, no!
No! It's you!
"Run, run, run as fast as you can,
you can't catch me,
I'm the Gingerbread Man!"
Look what you've done to my legs!
You are a monster!
I'm not the monster here, you are.
You and the rest of that fairy-tale
trash poisoning my perfect world.
I know I haven't gotten them all,
so tell me, where are the others?
Eat me!
No, no, no, no.
I've tried to be fair to you creatures,
now my patience has reached its end.
- Tell me or I'll...
- No!
Not the buttons!
Not my gumdrop buttons!
All right then, who is hiding them?
OK, I'll tell you.
Do you know the Muffin Man?
- The Muffin Man?
- The Muffin Man.
Yes, I know the Muffin Man
who lives on Drury Lane?
Well, she's married to
the Muffin Man.
- The Muffin Man?
- The Muffin Man!
She's married to
the Muffin Man.
My Lord, we have
scoured the land tirelessly
and have finally found the
one treasure you most seek!
A pretty pony?
No, it's the Magic Mirror, sire.
Then what are you waiting for? Bring it
in! And take that cookie to the swamp!
The swamp is no place
for a baked good!
You're horrible! Horrible!
Boo!
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not
the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Ah, yes, Duloc is a wondrous land,
but there's one thing you forgot.
You are not a king, My Liege,
and so a kingdom this is not.
Uh, Thelonius.
You were saying?
What I mean is, you're not a king yet,
but you can become one.
All you have to do is
marry a princess.
- Go on.
- So just sit back and relax, My Lord,
because it's time for you to play
Duloc's fastest growing
date show sensation,
This is Your Wife!
Yay!
Now let's meet today's
eligible bachelorettes!
Bachelorette number one
is a mentally abused shut-in
from a kingdom far, far away.
She likes sushi
and hot-tubbing anytime!
Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning
for her two evil step-sisters!
- Please welcome Cinderella!
- I love the broom. Yeah.
Bachelorette number
two is a cape-wearing girl
from the land of fancy.
She may live with seven other men,
but she's not easy!
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips
and find out what a live wire she is!
- Come on, give it up for Snow White!
- She's in Tupperware.
Bachelorette number
three lives in a dragon-guarded castle,
surrounded by hot boiling lava!
- But don't let that cool you off.
She likes pia coladas
and getting caught in the rain.
Yours for the rescuing,
Princess Fiona!
So will it be
bachelorette number one...
- I don't know!
- ... bachelorette number two,
- or bachelorette number three?
- They're all so nice. I don't know.
Boys, what do you say?
One, two, three, one, three, one?
One, three, two, three...
There's no four. All right, all right.
Bachelorette number three!
Hm?
Lord Farquaad,
you've chosen Princess Fiona!
Princess Fiona. She's perfect.
Except for that dragon and lava thing.
I'll have to find someone else to go.
You know, I should probably mention
this little thing about the princess
- that happens at night.
- I will make Fiona my queen,
and Duloc will finally
have the perfect king!
- Yes, but after sunset...
- Silence, silence.
Captain, round up your men,
summon the citizens!
Thelonius, tell the royal coiffeur
I'll need my hair pressed!
We're going to get a queen!
But-But... But you didn't even look
at my special features!
Check this out. I've got extras!
Fiona's Portrait Gallery,
The Story of the Curse, Deleted Scenes.
Wanna know more?
Just click on "Backstory"
and you'll get to see the princess
when she was seven years old.
Seven years old,
seven years old...
Settle in, girls, it's story time.
"There's a princess in a tower"
Oh, my gosh, that's just like me
"Poor Rapunzel, needs a haircut
But the witch won't set her free
She passes time by singing"
Like someone else I know
"As years go by she sits and waits"
As years go by? Uh-oh
"A torturous existence"
I don't remember this pan'
"She wishes she were dead"
Skip ahead, skip ahead
"But in the end Rapunzel
finds a millionaire
The prince is good at climbing
And braiding golden hair"
So I know he'll appear
'Cause there are rules
and there are strictures
I believe the storybooks I read
by candlelight
My white knight and his steed
Will look just like these pictures
It won't be long now, I guarantee
Day number 23
I know it's today
Here's a good one,
it's a classic.
"There's a princess in a coma"
Glad it's her instead of me
"Pretty maiden in a glass box"
How, I wonder, does she pee?
Blah, blah, blah, "poison apple"
Boring, boring "evil queen"
Filler, filler, been there, read that!
Seven shorties on the scene
Skip ahead, skip ahead
"But in the end the princess
wakes up with a start
The prince is good at kissing
And melting Snow White's heart"
So I know he'll appear
And his armor will be blinding
As shining as his perfect teeth
and manly hose
He'll propose on one knee
And our pre-nup will be binding
About time we set a wedding date
Day number 958
I know it's today
He'll show up today
There's a princess
Any princess
Take your pick,
they're all like me
Not exactly, I'm still waiting
They're out living happily
"Ever after" better get here
I want love in seconds flat
No one needs these middle bits
Whoops, did I do that?
Cut the villains, cut the vamping
Cut this fairy tale
Cut the peril and the pitfalls
Cut the puppet and the whale
Cut the monsters, cut the curses
Keep the intro, cut the verses
And the waiting, the waiting
the waiting, the waiting
The waiting!
But I know he'll appear
Though I seem a bit bipolar
And I'm a vandal now as well
Hope he won't mind
I'm a find, I'm a catch
And a very gifted bowler
It won't be long now, I guarantee
Day number...
Are you there, God?
It's me Fiona
Now I know he'll appear
'Cause there are rules
and there are strictures
I believe the storybooks I read
By candlelight
My white knight
My knight and his steed
Will look just like these pictures
It won't be long now, I guarantee
- Day number 23...
- Day number 958...
Day number 8,400
And 23
- I know it's today
- I know...
- I know it's today
- It's today
- I know it's today
- I know it's today
I know it's today
OK, OK, OK.
The rules are very simple.
Whoever spots a horse and cart
along the road...
- Punch buggy!
- Ow!
Fun, right?
No! What kind of
insane game is that?
- Haven't you ever been on a road trip?
- No.
Man, you need to get out more,
because... Punch buggy!
Ow!
I got you. I got you with that wagon
full of hay over there.
Donkey, if you do
that one more time...
See, that's another reason
why you need me around.
Who else is gonna fill you in
on all the fun stuff you missed out on?
You may not know it,
but you are one lucky ogre...
- Punch buggy!
- Ow!
- Mutton cart at three o'clock.
- Mother Hubbard, that hurt!
You know, you're right, that was
pretty fun. Shall we play again?
No, that's OK, you win.
Maybe we should move on to I Spy,
or I Went on a Picnic,
or something that's not gonna put me
in a body cast.
Donkey, look!
- Lord Farquaad's castle.
- Didn't I tell you I'd find it?
It's a bit much, isn't it?
Do you think he might be
compensating for something?
Oh, forget it.
Welcome to the Celebrate Duloc Festival!
The show's about to begin!
- Hey! Hey, you!
- Ogre!
Now, look, I'm not gonna eat you!
I just want to ask...
Ooh...
Oh, my God!
Why? Why?
This place is weird.
Let's just find this Farquaad guy
and get out of here.
I wanna stop by the gift shop
and get a T-shirt.
We're not stopping for T-shirts!
Welcome to Duloc
Such a perfect town
Here we have some rules
Let us lay them down
Don't make waves, stay in line
And we'll get along fine
Duloc is a perfect place
Please keep off of the grass
Shine your shoes, wipe your... face
Duloc is, Duloc is
Duloc is a perfect place
And here's the man who made it happen!
That towering colossus of moxie!
Lord Farquaad!
Oh, it's you!
What a terrific surprise.
Once upon a time
this place was infested
Freaks on every corner
I had them all arrested
Hey nonny-nonny-nonny-no
If you had a quirk
you didn't pass inspection
We all have our standards
But I will have perfection
And so
And so
Things are looking
up here in Duloc
Just take a look
The things
I'm cooking up here in Duloc
He likes to cook
A model that amazes
A plan with seven phases
Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum
Things are looking
up here in Duloc
- They're looking up
- In Duloc!
The ladies all look swell
The men are so dashing
Thanks to my new dress code
The fashion's never clashing
Hey nonny-nonny-nonny-no
- This castle I had built
- Farquaad, Farquaad, Farquaad
- Is taller than the cliff tops
- Farquaad, Farquaad, Farquaad
- A city like a postcard
- Farquaad, Farquaad, Farquaad
A monorail and gift shops
- And so
- And so
And so
No one from the gutter in Duloc
He's takin' aim
Embrace the cookie cutter in Duloc
We're all the same
The upshot is enormous
when you can shout...
- "Conform us!"
- Yes, things
Are looking up
Here in Duloc
Hey, let's hear it for those Duloc
dancers! Aren't they terrific, huh?
Ha!
POW!
Come on! Ha! Ooh!
Ooh! Oh!
Boys!
There's no sign of slowing
We're growing! We're growing!
Look, he's growing!
And growing!
And growing!
Look at him grow
Just look at me grow!
Things are looking up here
We practiced this pan'
both forward and back
We make one mistake
and we get the rack
Things I'm cooking up here
He taught us to dance
with razzamatazz
He's trained
in ballet, flamenco and jazz
My hard work and my rigor
Have made me so much bigger
Things are looking up
Things are looking
up here in Duloc!
- Ahhhh
- Here in Duloc
Ahhhh
Up, up, up, up, up!
And now, good people of Duloc,
the moment you've all been waiting for.
The raffle drawing to determine who
will have the honor of setting forth
to rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
from the fiery keep of the dragon!
- Spin that barrel!
- Excuse me.
- No, come on!
- Don't leave me!
- No, no...
- No, no, no, no!
- Hey, are you Lord Farquaad?
- Ah!
Maybe.
Does the name
strike fear in your heart?
No, but that little hat does.
Who let this thing in here?
Look, I'll be out of your silky hair
as soon as you give me my swamp back.
- Your swamp?
- Yes, where you dumped
- those fairy-tale creatures.
- News flash, ogre,
that oozing mud pit is actually
within the province of Duloc,
therefore under my jurisdiction.
- Now look here, half-pint!
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- Oh, this is too perfect.
- What is?
You! You're big and hulking
and wonderfully expendable.
People of Duloc,
we have a winner!
Congratulations, ogre.
You've won the honor of embarking
on a great and noble quest!
- But we're already on a quest.
- To get my swamp back!
Yes, and you've nearly
accomplished it!
All you need to do
is one more simple little task,
and I'll hand over
the deed to your swamp.
And what exactly is
this little task?
There's just this package
that I need picked up.
Miss Duloc, fill them in
and show them out!
My people, your
queen is on her way
Things are looking up
Things are looking up
Things are looking up here in Duloc
Here in Duloc
And no one's gonna bring
Me down
Little task, my hoof!
Rescue a princess? Fight a dragon?
Man, we got jacked!
We? I don't remember inviting a
donkey on this leg of the journey.
I don't get it, Shrek.
Why didn't you just make him
give you your swamp back?
Ooh! Pull some of that
ogre stuff on him.
You know, throttle him,
lay siege to his fortress.
- The whole ogre trip.
- For your information,
there's a lot more to ogres
than people think.
- Hm. Example?
- Example. OK.
Ogres are like onions.
- They stink?
- Yes. No!
- Uh, they make you cry?
- No!
You leave them out in the sun,
they get all brown
and start sprouting
little white hairs.
No! Layers.
Onions have layers.
Ogres have layers.
Onions have layers. You get it?
We both have layers!
Oh... You both got layers.
But you know,
not everybody likes onions.
Parfaits! Everybody likes parfaits,
and they have layers!
Have you ever met a person that said,
"Hey, let's get some parfaits,"
and they be like,
"Hell no, I don't like no parfaits!"
- Parfaits are delicious.
- I don't care!
Ogres are not like parfaits!
Parfaits might be the most delicious
thing on the whole damn planet.
This may turn into the longest day
of my entire life.
- I got the perfect remedy for that!
- Oh, no, I'm not interested.
Sing a song, yes, a travel song
When you gotta go somewhere
'Cause the fun is
getting there, yeah
What the heck
I must confess I love a road trip
Sing a song, hit the trail
Forget the maps, forget the guides
Before you know it
you've made strides with me
And I know all I need all along
is a path and a pal and a song
So I'm singin'
and I'm pallin' with you
See?
Makes the time go by faster!
- Why me? Why me?
- This is nice.
- Tell me what was my crime?
- We are strolling.
As chatty as a parrot
More annoying than a mime
Hey look, a cat who's wearing boots!
That's crazy!
Why me? Why me?
- A simple answer would be fine
- This is good cardio.
Won't someone please
send me a sign?
Look, a sign!
Yunita Pal Avenue straight ahead!
What did I do
to deserve this, honestly?
This ass of mine is asinine
Why me?
- You see the little bunny?
- Aye, he looks delicious.
An ogre!
What's so funny?
I just got the "He might be
compensating for something" joke.
- Why do you have to tell me stories?
- We started fighting.
I was watching my stories...
As I lay in the jungle!
There's a green man and a donkey!
Oh, man, what could
be better than this?
- Why me?
- Sing a song!
- Why me?
- Hit the road!
- A simple answer would be fine
- It's the way to get around
Won't someone please
send me a sign?
Before you know it
you've gained ground with me!
- What did I do to deserve this?
- And I know all I need all along
Is a path and a pal and a song
- This ass of mine is asinine
- So I'm singin' and pallin'
Finally! The bridge
to the dragon's keep. Let's go.
Um, Shrek, remember
when you said ogres have layers?
Oh, aye.
Well, I got a little confession to make.
Donkeys don't have layers.
We wear our fear right out there
on our sleeves.
You can't tell me
you're afraid of heights.
Uh, no, I'm just a bit uncomfortable
about being on a rickety bridge
over a boiling lake of lava!
Whoo! Wow!
That is so interesting.
Because I happen to have
the perfect remedy for that.
Oh! You do?
What are you doing?
Sing a song
Yes, a travel song
That's what you've done all day
Not funny, Shrek!
Before you know it
you're halfway with me
Ignore the fire
and the peril and the lava
Whoa!
- And I know all I need all along
- Let me off! Let me off!
- Is a path and a pal and a song
- Stop it!
- So I'm singin'
- Oh, no!
- And I'm pallin' with you
- This is so wrong!
All right, fine!
- Why me? Why me?
- There you go.
- Why God, oh, why?
- Just don't look down.
I'm too old to wet myself
and much too young to die
Oh!
- I'm looking down! I'm looking down!
- Donkey...
- This is it! This is where I bite it!
- Donkey...
Say goodbye, Shrek,
I'm goin' to heaven!
- Donkey! Just let go, I'll pull you up!
- Are you crazy?
I've got your hoof,
I'm not gonna drop you!
Whoa! Shrek!
What did I do to deserve you
My pal evermore?
We crossed a bridge together
What a beautiful metaphor
- Why me? Why me?
- I'm singin' and I'm pallin'
- Why me?
- And I'm travelin'
- With you
- With you
That'll do, Donkey.
That'll do.
- Thanks, Shrek.
- Let go. No hugging.
Oh, Shrek! Was that you?
Man! You gotta warn somebody
before you just crack one off!
My mouth was open and everything!
Believe me, Donkey,
if it was me, you'd be dead.
- It's brimstone.
- Yeah, right, brimstone.
Don't be talkin' it's the brimstone,
I know what I smell,
it wasn't no brimstone,
it didn't come from no stone neither.
Oh, hey, look! Oh! This'll come
in handy. Hope it's fireproof.
All right, now you wait here.
I'll be back in a bit.
Wait here? You mean by myself?
Unless you'd rather come slay the
dragon and rescue the princess?
Uh... No, I'm good. Waiting is fine.
I'll just sit here
and twiddle my hooves.
Just don't get into any trouble.
- What kind of trouble can I get into?
- I'm just sittin' and waitin'.
Have a little faith.
Uh... Shrek?
Shrek!
Shrek, is that you?
Oh! Dragon!
Well, hello, gorgeous!
- Is it dinnertime already?
- Ooh! I better get my recipe box.
- Recipe box?
- What's your name, pumpkin?
Oh! Mommy!
Oh, what a coincidence,
that was his name, too.
And his and his and his and his.
You didn't knock
When you entered, baby
- You didn't wipe your feet
- Oh! Geez.
I didn't see
I did not see no "open house" sign
- Is this a Trick or Treat?
- A little help here!
You need to brush up
on fairy tales, friend
- 'Cause dragons like their sleep
- Go on and grab some shut-eye!
I wrote the book on fire-breathing
Why don't you read it and weep?
Actually, I'm already in a book club.
We're reading Angela's Ashes.
I'm gonna shake you
I'm gonna bake you
I'm gonna make you
a donkey pot pie
- What?
- Salisbury steak you
I'll Frosted Flake you
I'll patty-cake you,
my donkey pot pie
Yeah!
Wait a minute!
My, what big teeth you have
They're so sparkling white
I bet you hear this
from all of your food
But you must bleach at night
Is that a hint of minty freshness?
Oh, lam scared to death
I like a girl with
a dazzlin' smile
And Tic Tao on her breath
Oh, whoa, whoa
Don't kill me
Lady with the pretty teeth
I'm gonna love you
And take hold of you
I'll velvet glove you
Velvet glove me?
I My donkey pot pie
I I'm gonna keep you
Little Little Bo Peep you
I'm gonna sweep you
Up into the sky
I'm gonna squeeze you
I'm gonna tease you
I'm gonna please you
I'm gonna have me
a big ol' honkin' sloppy, gloppy
Cherry on the toppy
piece of donkey pot pie
Na-na-na-na-na
Donkey! Donkey!
- Donkey pot
- Oh, no!
Pie-
Whoa!
Whoo!
Whoa!
Oh!
Whoa!
I know it's today
Ooh
I know it's today...
Hello! Anyone up here?
Shouldn't you toss down
some hair or something? Man!
Man! Oh, I should've worn my cup.
Oh, great,
I got one of the snoozers.
Wake up!
- Are you Princess Fiona?
- I am.
Awaiting a knight
so bold as to rescue me.
Oh... Uh...
That's nice. Now let's go.
But wait, Sir Knight!
I have long awaited this day!
And I wouldest first like to knowest
the name of my champion.
- Um... Shrek.
- Sir Shrek!
I pray that you take this favor
as a token of my gratitude.
Oh, yeah... Oh...
- Thanks. So where's the door?
- There is no door.
What do you mean there's
no door? How do we get down?
Why, the same way you got up.
The same way I... Oh, come on!
- I just... All right, let's go.
- Now holdest on, Sir Knight.
Don't you want to savor this moment?
It be-eth our first meeting.
It must be a wonderful
and romantic scene.
Geez, I'm like a crackpot magnet.
This is how a dream comes true
This is how I pictured you
Climbing in to rescue me
This was always meant to be
That's lovely. Now hop on.
This is how the scene must go
You standing... there
The light just so
Then you smile and gaze at me
Take my hand on bended knee
Bended knee
Bended knee!
- Oh!
- Ooh! Sorry.
And though we've only met
Somehow I always knew
It would look like this
when dreams come true
- Hey! What are you doing?
- Well, I have to save my ass.
Easy, I'm in heels.
Brave Sir Knight, slow down a bit
Shut-in girls are delicate
I've longed for this my whole life
long, now you're doing it all wrong
"Down a rope a steed awaits"
That's what every story states
Riding over rough terrain
Past the dragon you have slain
You have slain
You have slain?
- It's on my to-do list.
- What?
Donkey, over here!
- You found the princess!
- He talks!
Yeah, but the real trick
is getting him to shut up!
Oh...
Oh!
Are you there, God?
It's me, Fiona
Less praying! More running!
- Tra-la-la-la-la
- This way instead!
- Tra-la-la-la-la
- Door ahead!
In the end remember
all your dreams come true
Say your affirmations
and love will come to you
If you can conceive it
believe it, achieve it
Mad dragon, yay
Skeletons, hooray!
Pretending I'm not here
Nothing more to fear
Pink ponies, happy sky
Pink ponies, happy sky
Whoa!
Pink ponies, happy sky
Pink ponies, happy sky
Oh, my God! We're gonna die!
- This is how [pictured it
- Oh, boy...
More or less, I must admit
A thumping in my heart
A life about to start
I knew this day would come
and you would find your way
At last my dream comes true
I knew, I knew, I knew
It would be today!
Ow, ow, ow!
Oh! You did it!
You're amazing, you're wonderful!
You're a little unorthodox,
I'll admit,
but thy deed is great,
and thine heart is pure.
- I am eternally in your debt.
- Uh...
And where would a brave knight be
without his noble steed?
All right! Hope you heard that.
She called me a "noble steed!"
She think I'm a steed.
Well, Sir Shrek, the battle is won.
You may remove your helmet.
- Uh... no.
- Why not?
I... I have helmet hair.
Please, I wouldest look
upon the face of my rescuer.
Oh, no, you wouldn't-est.
But how will you kiss me?
What? That wasn't
in the job description.
Maybe it's a perk.
No, it's destiny. "A princess
is rescued by a brave knight
and then they share
true love's first kiss. "
With Shrek? Oh!
You think that Shrek is your true love?
Wah-wah!
- Oh, no.
- What's so funny?
Well, let's just say
I'm not your type, OK?
Of course you are. You're my rescuer!
Now remove your helmet.
Look, I really don't think
that's a good idea.
- Just take off the helmet.
- I'm not going to.
- Take it off!
- No!
- Now!
- OK! Whoa. Easy.
As you command,
Your Highness.
You're an ogre.
Oh, you were expecting
Prince Charming?
Well, yes, actually.
Oh, no. I'm supposed to be rescued
by my true love.
- Not by some ogre and his pet.
- Oh...
- Well, so much for "noble steed. "
- You're not supposed to be an ogre.
Princess, I was sent to rescue you
by Lord Farquaad, OK?
He's the one who
wants to marry you.
Then why didn't he
come and rescue me?
Good question. You should ask him that
when we get there tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
- Oh, my gosh, it's almost sunset!
- So?
Oh, uh... I didn't realize
it was so late. We need to make camp.
Camp?
But you've just escaped!
Yes, and I found the whole ordeal
quite exhausting.
I need to rest immediately.
That's unfortunate,
because we're gonna keep going.
I need to find somewhere
to camp right now!
Very well.
There's a cave right there.
- That is no place for a princess.
- No, it's perfect.
Well, gentlemen,
I bid thee good night!
You want me to read you a bedtime story?
'Cause I will.
I said good night!
She seems nice.
"By day one way,
by night another,
this shall be the norm, until
you find true love's first kiss
and then take love's true form. "
And this is what I realized,
if we escaped a dragon,
man, we could do anything.
Hey, I could be a steed.
Ooh! Or I could work
the Crusades circuit if I wanted to.
I could even be one of those horses
that pulls those wagons full of beer!
I'd have to get some hair extensions
on my ankles, but I could do it.
- Who do you wanna be?
- I don't want to be anyone.
Just for fun, though,
who would you pick?
- I wouldn't. Donkey...
- No, but if you had to.
Like, if a guy had a sword
at your throat and he was like,
"Look here, you can't be an ogre
anymore, pick something else,"
then who would you pick?
I would pick that guy up
and hurl him into a tree!
Man, you are no fun at all,
you know it?
Is this what it's gonna be like
when we finish rescuing the princess?
Us sitting around our swamp
all day doing nothing?
Our swamp? Donkey, there is no "our. "
There's no "we. "
There's just me and my swamp.
And when I do get back,
the first thing I'm going to do is
build a ten-foot wall around my land.
You cut me deep, Shrek.
You cut me real deep just now.
What's your problem anyway?
What you got against the whole world?
I'm not the one with
the problem, OK?
It's the world who seems
to have a problem with me.
You saw how that princess reacted.
That's how it always is.
People take one look at me and it's all,
"Help! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!"
They judge me
before they even know me.
That's why I'm
better off alone.
But you know what, Shrek?
When we met,
I didn't think you was just
a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
Yeah, I know.
So there's really no one else
you'd rather be?
I guess I'd be a hero
With sword and armor clashing
Looking semi-dashing
A shield within my grip
Or else I'd be a Viking
And live a life of daring
While smelling like a herring
Upon a Viking ship
I'd sail away, I'd see the world
I'd reach the farthest reaches
I'd feel the wind
I'd taste the salt and sea
And maybe storm some beaches
That's who I'd be
Or I could be a poet
And write a different story
One that tells of glory
and wipes away the lies
Into the skies I'd throw it
The stars would do the telling
The moon would help with spelling
And night would dot the I's
I'd write a verse, recite a joke
with wit and perfect timing
I'd share my heart
Confess the things I yearn
And do it all while rhyming
But we all learn
But we all learn
An ogre always hides
An ogre's fate is known
An ogre always stays in the dark
And all alone
So, yes, I'd be a hero
And if my wish were granted
Life would be enchanted
Or so the stories say
Of course I'd be a hero
And I would scale a tower
to save a hothouse flower
And carry her away
But standing guard
would be a beast
I'd somehow overwhelm it
I'd get the girl,
I'd take a breath
And I'd remove my helmet
We'd stand and stare
We'd speak of love
We'd feel the stars ascending
We'd share a kiss
I'd find my destiny
I'd have a hero's ending
A perfect happy ending
That's how it would be
A big, bright, beautiful world
But not for me
An ogre always hides
An ogre's fate is known
- An ogre always stays in the dark
- An ogre always stays in the dark
You're all alone
- All alone
- All alone
- And I know he'll appear
- So, yes, I'd be a hero
And if my wish were granted
Life would be enchanted
Or so the stories say
I believe the storybooks I read
By candlelight
And carry her away
A perfect happy ending
That's how
It should be
Good morning, birds
Good morning, trees
Oh, what a lovely day
The sun's so big
It hurts my eyes
But really, that's OK
A brand-new day with things to do
So many plans to make
I've had six cups of coffee
So I'm really wide awake
I've always been a morning person
A morning girl
Hooray!
Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep
Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep
Hooray!
Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep
Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep
Hooray!
Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep
Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep
Hooray!
Good morning, deer
I Say, have you heard
Today's my wedding day
I haven't met my husband yet
But I'm hopeful anyway
I'll wear a gown
We'll have a ball
And dance forevermore
He'll take me in his massive arms
And spin me round the floor
I've always been a morning person
A morning girl
Hooray!
- Why, good morning, Pied Piper.
- Ah! What's so good about it, huh?
I can't get these rats
to follow me!
I think you may need
to change your tune, mister.
Hey! Look here, lady, that's my...
Ah...
A brand-new start
A palette cleanse
As fresh as lime sorbet
Last night I was a monster
But this morning
This morning
This morning I'm OK
This morning I'm OK
Oh...
Why, good morning, men.
Mornin'.
Uh, Princess,
did you by any chance eat
a few of those funny little
mushrooms by the stream?
Of course not.
I'm just happy that it's a new day,
full of promise and fresh starts.
And the first thing
I would like to do
is to apologize
for my behavior yesterday.
We obviously got off on the wrong foot,
and I would like to make it up to you.
- You would?
- Yes.
You did rescue me, after all.
So I've gathered a basket
of berries for the trip,
and I made you each...
a daisy chain!
Oh, wow! Look at these!
They're beautiful, Princess!
- Aren't they beautiful, Shrek?
- Oh... Oh...
Oh! You'll grow to love them,
I promise. Lead the way!
So, uh...
So, Princess,
do you often frolic with rats?
And what if I do?
Oh, I don't know, Princess,
germ-infested vermin,
not exactly what I expected.
Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them.
Ouch!
So, tell me about my groom-to-be,
Lord Farquaad. What's he like?
Well, um,
let me put it this way, Princess,
men of Farquaad's stature
are in short supply.
- Really?
- Yeah, but he is a little intimidating.
- Well, he must be!
- And yet very good at small talk.
What are you guys doing?
What? Just saying you might
want to lower your expectations a bit.
Yes, like three feet or so.
All right, all right, yuck it up.
It doesn't bother me. Not today.
After a lifetime of misery,
things are finally going my way.
Oh...
A lifetime of misery, right. OK.
- You chuckled.
- Huh?
When I said "lifetime of misery,"
you chuckled.
- Did I?
- Yes.
Look, I'm sure it was very difficult
living in a dragon-guarded tower.
- It was.
- I'm sure.
All right, then.
Although, it must've been nice
to have a roof and a cozy bed.
Which is more
than I had when I left home.
You're not actually comparing yourself
to what I endured?
I'm just saying you don't corner
the market on unhappy childhoods.
There are things you
don't know, you know.
About me.
About how rough I had it!
What, you run out of
shampoo a couple of times?
- I mean about my life!
- In that cushy tower of yours?
Cushy?! Are you kidding?
I had nothing in that tower
Fighting boredom by the hour
Princess Lonely, walking circles
I had only bare essentials
Army cot, a hot plate
and a chamber pot
And every morning I would boil it
No choice, I had no toilet
Just a view of devastation
out one window
Isolation in my bedroom
And very little head room
Twenty years I sat and waited
I'm very dedicated
On the walls the days were added
Luckily those walls were padded
So I think I got you beat
I think I got you beat
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I think I got you beat
I think I got you beat
Oh, you think so?
That was a sad story, but...
I've heard better, I'm just sayin'
"A" for effort
Thanks for playing
Sad to see a princess suffer
But I had it rougher
Like that time a mob with torches
burned my britches
See the scorches?
You're just whiny
I had a flaming hiney
As I fled I had to wonder
If I were torn asunder
Would an ogre go to heaven?
Did I mention I was seven?
So I think I got you beat
I think I got you beat
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I think I got you beat
I think I got you beat
No warm regards
No Christmas cards
- And every day
- Was Hell on Earth Day
OK, top this.
I missed my prom
My dad and mom sent me away
It was my birthday
- I was sent away on Christmas Eve
- Oh...
Ha-ha!
- Bare essentials, army cot
- No warm regards
A hot plate and a chamber pot
- And every morning I would boil it
- No Christmas cards
No choice, I had no toilet
- Just a view of devastation
- And every day
- Out one window, isolation
- Was Hell on Earth Day
In my bedroom
And very little head room
- Twenty years I sat and waited
- "I missed my prom"
- My dad and mom
- I'm very dedicated
- Sent me away
- On the walls the days were added
- Luckily those walls were padded
- It was my birthday
- Twenty years
- "I missed my prom"
- My dad and mom sent me away
- My dad and mom sent me away
- So...
- So...
- I think I got you beat
- I think I got you beat
- Yeah, yeah, yeah
- Yeah, yeah, yeah
- I think I got you beat
- I think I got you beat
- Yeah, yeah, yeah
- Yeah, yeah, yeah
- I think I got you beat
- I think I got you beat
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Whoopsie.
Well, better out than in,
I always say.
- Na-na-na-na-na-na
- Na-na-na-na-na-na
- Yeah, yeah
- Yeah, yeah
- Yeah, yeah
- Yeah, yeah
- Yeah, yeah
- Yeah, yeah
- Yeah, yeah
- Yeah, yeah
Oh!
That's stinky.
We've just gotten word, My Liege.
Princess Fiona has been rescued.
She's on her way.
On her way!
She's on her way,
and so am I!
My fairy tale princess.
I always said I'd be king,
and now look!
The last adorable piece
to my master plan!
Oh!
Thank you, Thelonius.
Mm. Pia colada!
Just think, soon they'll be
writing books about me
instead of those
disgusting little freaks!
Ooh! That reminds me. Oh, Mirror?
Yes, My Liege?
How are
the wedding preparations coming?
All in order, My Lord. We've
booked the cathedral and the band.
OK.
- Yah!
- Wow.
Um, although I did wonder if you wanted
to maybe invite your father?
- My what?
- Your father, My Liege?
You mean that horrible little man who
tried to keep me down my whole life?
That mal-tempered monster?
That vile grunt who abandoned me
in the woods as a child?
Well, he did have his reasons.
Mirror, please.
My father simply couldn't accept
that I wanted nothing to do
with the family business.
That lowly, dirty family business.
My daddy was a miner
So he wasn't much around
Foraging for diamonds
A life spent underground
Daddy didn't talk much
He barely said hello
He simply muttered "Hi-ho"
And off to work he'd go
Daddy was grumpy
Me and my old man
A tale as old as din'
A bitter, distant father
in a tiny undershirt
Daddy up and left me
Left me good as dead
Now he lives in squalor
Sleeping seven to a bed
You abandoned me
in those woods, Daddy!
Well, I crawled out, and up!
If you could only see me
now, Daddy!
I'd invite you to the wedding,
but you have to be this tall to get in!
My bride to be is gorgeous
Her wedding dress, designer
The guest list will be major
Without a minor miner
La, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la
Packs of royal
lackeys playing violin
- Strings of royal underlings
- Who will not let you in
A-ha, a-ha, a-ha
- Tricked-out carriage
- Tricked-out carriage
- Twenty stallions
- Twenty stallions
- With a coachman named Raoul
- With a coachman named Raoul
- Big reception with a boy band
- Big reception with a boy band
And a royal DJ
By the pool
Yes, I can see my future
And so it shall be done
It's total domination
With some torture just for fun
'Cause I will have my wedding
and! will have a queen
Once I get that crown on
you will get the guillotine
And I'll punish you, Daddy
'cause I'm all grown up
And bigger than you'll ever know
You're gonna pay, Daddy
It's any day, Daddy
I'm off to work
Hi-ho
Hey, hey!
Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Oh, God.
Yoo-hoo! We're here.
- What?
- Oh... Would you look at that?
- What is it?
It's...
It's Duloc.
Oh, Duloc. I didn't realize
we were so close.
No, me either.
Congratulations, Princess.
Your future awaits.
Yes, it does.
Oh, well, so much for that batch
of s'nothers I was gonna make us.
S'nothers?
They're traditional ogre campfire
snacks. A little bit like s'mores,
but instead of
marshmallow and chocolate,
we use squirrel gizzards and mulch.
They just melt in your mouth!
- I need to sit down for a minute.
- No, no sitting down.
- We need to get the princess to Duloc.
- No, wait, Shrek, I... Um...
Well, look, I may not get another chance
to try one of those s'nothers.
You eat one, you may not
get a chance to do anything!
- Zip it, Donkey.
- I was just thinking that maybe
Duloc could wait
until morning?
- Morning?
- Why not?
I've spent my whole life without
true love. What's one more night?
- All right, I'll find us some dinner.
- I'll get the firewood.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my gosh, I'm so...
- Did you wanna...
- I should have...
- I didn't...
- Oh, boy.
There's something
going on around here
I've been watching
and the signals are clear
A nervous laugh
when she brushes his skin
The sweaty palms
The big dopey grin
Hm, hm, hm
With a giggle and
a flip of her hair
I smell the pheromones in the air
Making goo-goo eyes over their food
They need my help here
in setting the mood
Oh, you don't believe
love is blind?
Well, I got some friends
who think otherwise
- And here they are
Direct from my imagination
- Three blind mice
- Watch your step, girls
Three blind mice
See how they run
You gotta turn up the heat
You gotta butter the pan
You got to make a move
and don't be afraid
Reach for her hand
Maybe give her a kiss
- She's waiting for a move to be made
- Waiting for a move to be made
- You got to
- Got to
- Got to
- Got to
- Got to
- Got to, yeah
- You gotta make a move
- You gotta make a move
Yeah
Mm. Mm!
These s'nothers are so good.
- Didn't I tell you?
- They're delicious.
- And a little nutty, right?
- Mm-hm.
I guess I'll be dining
a little differently tomorrow night.
Maybe you can come
visit me in the swamp sometime.
I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you.
Swamp Toad Soup, Fish Eye Tartar.
You name it.
I'd like that.
Shrek, I know you
can't hear me right now.
But if you could,
I'd want to say a few things to you.
I'm in your corner, buddy.
But you have got to tell this girl
what you're really feeling deep down.
You may not get another chance.
So just go on now.
Just open your heart and...
- Uh, Princess?
- Here we go.
- Yes, Shrek?
- He's gonna tell her.
- I, uh...
- Oh, I can't take this.
- Well, I was...
- Uh-huh.
- I was wondering...
- OK.
- I was wondering...
- Spit it out!
- Are you gonna eat that?
- Uh-uh! What is wrong with you?
You got to make a move
You gotta shift into gear
You gotta buckle down
and give it a whirl
The scene is set right out of a book
With a sunset and a beautiful girl
- So you got to
- Got to
- Got to
- Got to
- Got to
- Got to, yeah
- You got to make a move
- You got to
- You got to make a move now
- Got to
- You got to make a move
- Got to
- Move, yeah
- Make a move
You got to use the sunset
- What a beautiful sunset, baby
- Sunset, baby
You got to use the sunset, baby
Whoa, whoa
Yeah, you got to reach for the ring
You got to give it a shot
Grab the bull by the horns
or get off the pot
Whoo!
And make a move
Isn't this romantic?
Out in nature, with the fireflies,
and that big old beautiful sunset!
Sunset? Oh my gosh!
Sunset!
Oh, no! I mean, um...
- It's late. It's very late.
- What?
Wait a minute.
I see what's going on here.
You're afraid of the
dark, aren't you?
Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.
You know what? I'd better go inside.
Don't worry, I used to be
afraid of the dark, too, until...
Oh! No, wait.
I'm still afraid of the dark!
- I'm so sorry, I have to go.
- Oh. All right.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Uh-uh.
No, sir. I'm sorry,
but I did not come this whole way,
putting up with you
and your body odor,
just so you can let her
walk away like that!
- What are you talking about?
- I'm an animal, and I got instincts.
And you two were obviously
digging on each other.
Oh, you're crazy.
I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.
So you don't have
any feelings for her at all?
Look, even if I did and
I'm not saying I do, because I don't.
She's a princess and I'm...
- An ogre?
- Yeah.
- An ogre.
- She needs to know.
- Hey, where you going?
- To get more wood,
before your fire dies.
Princess.
Princess Fiona.
Princess, where are you?
Princess, it's very spooky in here,
I ain't playing no games... Oh!
- No! Help! Shrek!
- Oh, no, no, no! It's OK!
- What'd you do with the princess?
- Donkey, I am the princess. It's me.
- In this body.
- Oh, my God. You ate the princess!
Can you hear me? Keep breathing!
I'll get you out of there!
Donkey!
Princess?
What happened to you?
"By day one way,
by night another,
this shall be the norm, until
you find true love's first kiss
and then take love's true form. "
That's beautiful.
I didn't know you wrote poetry.
Donkey, it's a curse.
I've had it since I was girl.
- A curse?
- A witch cast a spell on me.
Now every night, when the sun
goes down I become this...
...this horrible,
ugly beast!
All right, calm down,
you're not that ugly.
OK, I'm not gonna lie,
you are ugly,
but you only look like this at night.
Shrek's ugly 24/7.
- Wait a second, that's perfect!
- Perfect? Donkey,
if Lord Farquaad finds out I look
like this, he'll never marry me!
- So?
- So, I have to kiss my true love!
The kiss is the only thing that will
break the spell and make me beautiful.
But, you know,
you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek...
Well, you got a lot in common.
- Shrek?
- Yeah, if he knew all this,
- I think maybe...
- No, wait, wait, wait, he can't know.
And you can't tell him! Not a word!
No one must ever know!
- Promise you won't tell. Promise!
- All right, all right.
I won't tell him.
But you should.
Man, I know when
this is all over,
I'm gonna need a whole lot
of serious therapy.
Princess, I...
How's it going first of all?
Good?
Good for me, too. I'm OK.
Um...
I picked this flower
Right over there is where it grew
And I don't really like it
But it made me think of you
Because it's pretty
Is what I'm trying to say
And you are also pretty
But I like you anyway
So please accept this flower
With its petals and a stem
Which represent my feelings
And tells you how...
Oh, man, I'm in trouble.
When words fail, what will I do?
When words fail
How will she know how I feel?
When words fail, will I fail, too?
Hello, fair princess
Oh, look, the moon is out tonight
You remind me of that moon
Because it's big and bright
And by big I don't mean chubby
Obviously you're not fat
But your personality is biggish
Is what I meant by that
Sony about that fat thing
I'm on the hefty side myself
I have to blame the gene pool
Which reminds me of...
Oh, where am I going with this?
When words fail, what will I do?
When words fail
How will she know how I feel?
When words fail, will I fail, too?
Do I have a snowball's chance?
Are my prospects just too grim?
I spent my life stuck in the mud
Now I'm crawling out on a limb
If words fail,
she'll know what I mean
If words fail
She'll just take my hand
She sees me like no one else has
If words fail, she'll understand
She'll understand
I can't think about Shrek.
Not now.
I'm a princess after all,
and look at me!
I mean, really, who could ever
love a beast so hideous and ugly?
Princess and ugly don't go together.
That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.
My only chance to live happily ever
after is to marry my one true love.
Good morning, dawn
Good morning, day
Good morning, mourning dove
I had a long and sleepless night
pondering true love
My fairytale I know so well
has somehow gone awry
Looks can be deceiving
But feelings cannot lie
Do I love him?
Last night I was uncertain
But this morning, this morning
This morning...
Shrek, thank goodness!
There's something I
have to tell you...
You don't have to tell me anything.
I heard enough last night.
- You heard what I said?
- Every word.
Especially, "Who could love
such a hideous, ugly beast?"
But I thought
that wouldn't matter to you.
Yeah? Well, it does!
Oh...
Right on time. Princess,
I've brought you a little something.
Fiona! Fiona, Fiona
Fiona, Fiona, Fiona
Fiona, Fiona, Fiona
Fiona, Fiona!
Whoa, plastic horse.
He's plastic. He's hollow.
- Princess Fiona...
- As promised. Now about my swamp...
Cleared out, as agreed,
the deed has been put in your name.
Now step away before
I change my mind.
Forgive me, Princess,
for startling you.
- I am Lord Farquaad.
- Lord Farquaad.
Forgive me,
for I was just saying a short...
Hm?
- ... farewell.
- Oh!
That is so sweet, but you don't have
to waste good manners on the ogre.
It's not like it has feelings.
No, you're right, it doesn't.
Princess Fiona,
beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona.
I ask your hand in marriage.
Will you be the perfect bride
for the perfect groom?
Lord Farquaad, I accept.
Nothing would make me...
Excellent! I'll start the plans,
for tomorrow we wed!
No! I mean, why wait?
Let's get married today.
Before sunset.
Oh. Anxious, are we?
You're right. The sooner the better.
There's so much to do! Captain,
ride ahead. Tell them it's a Code Red!
We'll be married by sunset!
Oh, man, there's nothing
like a good night's sleep. Oh!
- What did I miss?
- Fare thee well, ogre.
Shrek! Shrek, what are you doing?
You're letting her get away!
Look, there's something you don't know!
I talked to her last night and...
Yeah, I know you
talked to her last night.
You two are great pals, aren't you?
So why don't you follow her home?
- But Shrek, I want to go home with you.
- Hey, I told you already,
I live alone! My swamp, me!
Nobody else, understand?!
- Nobody!
- But I thought...
I'm gonna build me a wall
I'll make it ten feet high
See you later, pal, bye-bye
No one getting in
So don't you even try
A ten-foot wall
But Shrek, it's not what you think.
Just let me explain...
I'm gonna build me a wall
I'm gonna disappear
What's the matter, pal?
Am I not being clear?
Can't you take a hint?
Am I getting through at all?
Just get out of here
I was told the world
would despise me
So I should've known
I should've guessed
I thought these two
might be different
Well, now I know
They're just like all the rest
I'm gonna be what they want
I'm gonna be what they say
Hey, world, I'll do it your way
You're looking for a monster
It's your lucky day
I'll be what you want
What a fool to think
she might love me
I opened my heart
and let her walk through
She wanted Prince Charming
I wanted my home back
How lucky both our
wishes came true
Gonna build me a wall
The perfect place to hide
Hey, world, stay on your side
The best way to conquer
They say is to divide
Gonna build a wall
Gonna be what they say
Gonna harden my heart
Gonna build a wall
Just when you think life
can't get any worse,
you get evicted from a swamp!
Yeah, I really thought that ogre
was gonna help us.
He still might! Maybe if we all
close our eyes and clap really hard!
- Oh, grow up.
- I won't grow up!
You're 34 and need a shave.
Oh, yeah!
- Am I wrong?
- Where to now?
Forty miles north, they said.
There's landfill with our names on it.
Landfill? Are you kidding me?
What's next, a dunghill?
A septic tank?
How low do we need to go, people?
It's time to do what we should've done
a long time ago!
We got to stand up
to Farquaad ourselves!
Yeah, Gingy's right!
We need to get off our fluffy
butts and do something!
Wait a minute!
Now, look, maybe that
ogre wasn't the answer,
but something better will come along,
and we have to wait for it,
because that
is what fairy-tale creatures do.
We wait for miracles.
We wish upon stars!
- Why, my cricket always told me...
- Oh, forget that cricket!
If he was so smart, he would've
seen that windshield coming!
No, no! We just need to lay low
until this all blows over.
None of this would've happened
if I were a real boy!
Why can't I be a real boy?
Listen up, puppet!
- We spend our whole lives wishing
We weren't so freaking strange
They made us feel that way
But it's they who need to change
The way they think, that is.
- That's right, Papa.
- Yeah!
It's time to stop the hiding
It's time to stand up tall
Say, "Hey, world, I'm different
And here I am
Splinters and all"
Splinter-er-er-ers and all
Ooh-ooh-hoo!
Let your freak flag wave
- My what?
- Let your freak flag fly
- That's what I'm talking about!
- Never take it down
Never take it down
Raise it way up high
Let your freak flag fly
Let it fly, fly, fly
- It's hard to be a puppet
- Little puppet boy
- So many strings attached
- Can't cut loose
- But it's not a choice you made
- No, no
It's just how you were hatched
Let your freak flag wave
Let your freak flag fly
Never take it down
Never take it down
Raise it way up high
Let your freak flag fly
- I'm proud to be a piggy
- Little pig, little pig
- I raise my furry fist
- Papa Bear, Papa Bear
It's time I told the world
I'm a Scientologist
- Scientologist
- I did some time in jail
- Yeah, yeah!
- I smell like sauerkraut
- Whoo!
- I'm gonna shed my housecoat
Miss Thing, you work it out!
Let your freak flag wave
Let your freak flag fly
Never take it down
Never take it down
Raise it way up high
Yes! It all makes sense now.
We may be freaks, but we're freaks
with teeth, and claws, and magic wands!
And together, we can
stand up to Farquaad!
Never take it down
Raise it way up high
Raise it up way high
Raise it up way high
We've got magic
We've got power
- Who are they to say we're wrong?
- Wrong
All the things that make us special
Are the things that make us strong
- What makes us special
- What makes us special
What makes us special
makes us strong
Let your freak flag wave
Let your freak flag fly
Never take it down
Never take it down
Raise it way up high
Let your freak flag fly
Fly
Fly
Fly
Fly
I'm wood! I'm good!
Get used to it!
Fly
To Duloc!
Come on, you guys!
That's right!
Whoo!
Come on! Ha-ha!
Whoo!
Donkey?
What are you doing?
Oh, I would think you of all people
would recognize a wall when you saw one!
Well, yeah. But the wall is supposed
to go around my swamp, not through it.
It is around your half. See?
That's your half, this is my half.
- Your half?
- Yes, my half.
I helped rescue the princess, I did
half the work, I get half the booty.
- Back off.
- No, you back off.
- Stubborn jackass!
- Smelly ogre!
This is my swamp!
There you go, "My, my, my!
Me, me, me!" Well, guess what?
Now it's my turn, so you just shut up
and pay attention.
You are mean to me.
You insult me and you do not
appreciate anything I do.
You're always pushing me around
or pushing me away!
You're so wrapped up in layers, onion
boy, you're afraid of your own feelings!
Well, if I treated you so badly,
why did you come back?
Because that's what friends do,
they forgive each other!
Go away!
There you are doing it again!
Just like you did to Fiona!
All she ever did was like you.
Maybe even love you!
Love me?
She said I was ugly!
A hideous creature!
I heard the two of you talking!
She wasn't talking about you!
She was talking about hersel...
...someone else.
She wasn't talking about me?
Well then, who was she talking about?
No, sir. I ain't saying nothing.
You don't wanna listen to me, right?
Right?
- Donkey!
- No.
OK, look, I'm sorry, all right?
I'm sorry.
I guess I am just
a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
Can you forgive me?
Hey, that's what friends are for,
right?
Right.
- Friends?
- Oh! Friends!
So, what did Fiona
say about me?
What are you asking me for?
Why don't you just go ask her?
Donkey!
The wedding!
- We'll never make it in time!
- I know someone who can help!
People of Duloc,
we gather here today to bear witness
to the union of our
new king and queen.
And as the warm glow
of this setting sun lifts our heads,
so too does the...
Excuse me.
Could we just skip to the "I do's"?
- What?
- Uh, yeah. Go on, go on.
Right, well then, do you, Lord Farquaad,
take Princess Fiona?
- I do.
- And do you...
- I do.
- Yes, I thought you might.
Well, then,
by the power vested in me...
- Stop the wedding!
- Shrek?
What does he want?
Really, it's rude enough
being alive when no one wants you,
but showing up uninvited to a wedding?
- Fiona, I need to talk to you.
- Oh, now you want to talk?
Well, it's a little late for that,
so if you'll excuse me...
- But you can't marry him!
- And why not?
Because he's just marrying you
so he can be king.
That is outrageous!
- Fiona, don't listen to him.
- He's not your true love.
And what do you know
about true love?
Well... I...
Um...
Oh... Oh...
Aw...
Well, this is precious. Huh? Hm?
The ogre has fallen in love
with the princess. Oh, good Lord.
Mm! Guards, take this abomination
out of my sight!
No!
I mean...
Let's hear what the monster has to say.
It might be worth a laugh.
Oh, you are awful.
Well, you heard her, ogre.
Express yourself. Hm?
With as few grunts as possible.
Right. OK.
Um...
It's a big, bright, beautiful world
With happiness all around
It's peaches and cream
If a dream comes true
Awkward!
Little bit.
Look at that.
It's a big, bright,
beautiful world
With possibilities everywhere
If true love is blind
Maybe you won't mind the view?
I know I'm not the handsome prince
For whom you've waited
I don't have a fancy castle
And I'm not sophisticated
A princess and an ogre
I admit is complicated
You've never read a book like this
But fairy tales
Should really be
Updated
It's a big, bright,
beautiful world
I see it now, I'll let it in
I'll tear down a wall
And clear a spot for two
To be with you
Boo!
Are we ready, darling? Hm?
- I can't.
- Stop the wedding!
Filthy wedding crashers!
Guards, stop him! Stop him!
We've taken your abuse
for the last time, Farquaad!
- Well, no more!
- It ends today!
- Power to the piggies!
- We demand our homes back!
And our rightful place in Duloc!
Right, guys?
- Yeah!
- How dare you freaks
interrupt my wedding?
Freaks, huh?
Well, I guess it takes
one to know one.
- What?
- Be prepared to have your mind blown.
- Hi-ho!
- Daddy! Oh, Daddy.
I suppose my invitation
was lost in the mail?
Well, maybe if you hadn't
abandoned me in the woods!
Abandoned you?
You were 28 and living in my basement!
Loser.
People of Duloc,
your leader is a half ling!
No! No, no, no. Don't listen to him.
- Just like all of us.
- Not a freak! Not a freak!
I'm a king! I'm a big, tall man!
I'm a big, tall, giant man
with a kingdom!
Not a freak!
I have a castle!
Behold!
Bring in the lanterns!
- Stop the wedding!
- Whoa!
Fiona?
I wanted to show you before.
Well, uh...
...that explains a lot.
Ew. Ew, ah!
Ugh! Ugh! It's disgusting!
Guards! Guards! Guards!
All this
hocus-pocus alters nothing!
This marriage is binding and that
makes me king! See? Ha-ha!
As for you, my wife,
I'll have you locked back in that
tower for the rest of your days.
No, actually, you won't.
What are you doing, you insolent beast?
I'll see you drawn and quartered!
I am king! I will have order!
Nobody move! I got a dragon here,
and I'm not afraid to use it!
I'm a donkey on the edge!
- Fiona, I love you.
- Really?
Really, really.
I love you, too.
- Aw!
- Yay!
"By day one way, by night another,
this shall be the norm,
until you find true love's first kiss
and then take love's true form...
then take love's true form. "
Fiona, are you all right?
Well, yes,
but I don't understand.
I'm supposed to
be beautiful.
But you are beautiful.
Once upon a time to look like us
would be a pity
But now we know that beautiful
Ain't always pretty
I waited all my life
Lived it by the book
Now I know that's not my story
You take me as I am
Love me as I look
Standing here in all my glory
I am sweetness, lam bratty
I'm a princess, I'm a fatty
I'm a mess of contradictions
in a dress
I am sassy, I am sappy
When I'm with you I am happy
This is my story
You laugh at all my jokes
Even though they're crude
You don't mind that I'm not classy
- We make a perfect pair
- We make a perfect pair
- Radiant and rude
- Radiant and rude
- So in love and much too gassy
- So in love and much too gassy
- We are ogres, we are scary
- We are ogres, we are scary
We are donkeys, we are hairy
We have bold
and brand-new stories to be told
We will write them
We will tell them
You will hear them
You will smell them
This is our story
And that is how the little ogre
came to live on the swamp
with a beautiful princess.
- And his best friend.
- And his best friend.
And the Gingerbread Man!
- And a very handsome puppet!
- And an elf!
- And a fairy godmother!
- And a witch!
- And a cross-dressing wolf!
- And the three pigs!
What makes us special
- What makes us special
- What makes us special
- What makes us special
- What makes us special
What makes us special
makes us strong
We are witches, we are fairies
We are weirdoes
I'm an Aries!
We're a giant
Whitman's Sampler here to try
We are puppets
We are rabbits
We are hobbits with bad habits
We're a screwy
but delighted crazy stew
We are different and united
You are us and we are you
This is our story
This is our story
This is our story
God bless us, everyone!
The end!
I thought love
was only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else
but not for me
Love was out to get me
That's the way it seemed
Disappointment
haunted all my dreams
- And then I saw her face
- I saw her face
- Now I'm a believer
- I saw her face
- Not a trace
- No, not a trace
- Of doubt in my mind
- In my mind
- I'm in love
- Ooh
I'm a believer
I couldn't leave her if I tried
I thought love was
more or less a givin' thing
But the more I gave
the less I got, oh, yeah
Oh, yeah
- What's the use in trying
- What's the use in trying
Doo-doo-doo-doo
- All you get is pain
- All you get is pain
Doo-doo-doo-doo
- When I wanted sunshine I got rain
- When I wanted sunshine I got rain
I got rain, I got rain
Hey, you all, can I say something?
And then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer
Whoo!
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
Hey, how you doing?
- I'm in love
- Ooh, ah
I'm a believer
I couldn't leave her if I tried
Then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer
Whoo!
Oh, not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
- I'm in love
- I'm in love
- Now I'm a believer
- Now I'm a believer
I believe, I believe, I believe
I believe, I believe, I believe
Now I'm a believer
- I believe
- I can't hear you.
I believe
- I believe
- Whoo!
I believe
I believe, I believe
I believe, I believe
Let your freak flag wave
Let your freak flag fly
Never take it down
Never take it down
Raise it way up high
Let your freak flag fly
Let it fly, fly, fly
- It's hard to be a puppet
- Little puppet boy
- So many strings attached
- Can't cut loose
But it's not a choice you made
- No, no
- It's just how you were hatched
Let your freak flag wave
Let your freak flag fly
Never take it down
Never take it down
Raise it way up high
Let your freak flag fly
- I'm proud to be a piggy
- Little pig, little pig
- I raise my furry fist
- Papa Bear, Papa Bear
It's time I told the world
I'm a Scientologist
Scientologist
I did some time in jail
Yeah, yeah
I smell like sauerkraut
Whoo!
I'm gonna shed my housecoat
- Ah
- Miss Thing, you work it out!
Let your freak flag wave
Let your freak flag fly
Never take it down
Never take it down
Raise it way up high
Yes! It all makes sense now.
We may be freaks, but we're freaks
with teeth, and claws, and magic wands!
And together,
we can stand up to Farquaad!
Never take it down
Raise it way up high
Raise it up way high
Raise it up way high
We've got magic
We've got power
Who are they to say we're wrong?
All the things
that make us special
Are the things that make us strong
- What makes us special
- What makes us special
What makes us
special makes us strong
Let your freak flag wave
Let your freak flag fly
Never take it down
Never take it down
Raise it way up high
Yeah
Let your freak flag fly
Fly
Fly, fly, fly
I'm wood!
I'm good! Get used to it!
Fly