[Man] "Once upon a time
there was a lovely princess.
"But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort...
"which could only be broken
by love's first kiss.
"She was locked away
in a castle...
"guarded by a terrible
fire-breathing dragon.
"Many brave knights had attempted
to free her from this dreadful prison,
"but none prevailed.
"She waited in
the dragon's keep...
"in the highest room
of the tallest tower...
for her true love
and true love's first kiss."
[Laughing]
Like that's ever gonna happen.
- [Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]
- What a load of...
# Somebody once told me
the world is gonna roll me #
# I ain't the sharpest tool
in the shed #
# She was lookin'kind of dumb
with her finger and her thumb #
# In the shape of an "L"
on her forehead #
# The years start comin'
and they don't stop comin'#
# Fed to the rules
and I hit the ground runnin'#
# Didn't make sense
not to live for fun #
# Your brain gets smart
but your head gets dumb #
# So much to do
So much to see #
# So what's wrong with
takin'the backstreets #
# You'll never know
if you don't go #
# You'll never shine
if you don't glow #
# Hey, now
You're an all-star #
# Get your game on, go play #
# Hey, now, you're a rock star
Get the show on, get paid #
# And all that
glitters is gold #
# Only shootin'stars
break the mold #
# It's a cool place
and they say it gets colder #
# You're bundled up now
but wait till you get older #
# But the meteor men
beg to differ #
# Judging by the hole
in the satellite picture #
# The ice we skate
is gettin'pretty thin #
# The water's getting warm
so you might as well swim #
# My world's on fire
How 'bout yours #
# That's the way I like it
and I'll never get bored #
- # Hey, now, you're an all-star #
- [Shouting]
# Get your game on, go play #
# Hey, now, you're a rock star
Get the show on, get paid #
# And all that
glitters is gold #
# Only shootin'stars
break the mold #
[Belches]
- Go!
- Go!
- [Record Scratching]
- Go. Go. Go.
# Hey, now
You're an all-star #
# Get your game on, go play #
# Hey, now, you're a rock star
Get the show on, get paid #
# And all that
glitters is gold #
# Only shootin'stars
break the mold #
- Think it's in there?
- All right. Let's get it!
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know
what that thing can do to you?
Yeah, it'll grind
your bones for its bread.
[Laughs] Yes, well, actually,
that would be a giant.
Now, ogres...
They're much worse.
They'll make a suit
from your freshly peeled skin.
- No!
- They'll shave your liver.
Squeeze the jelly
from your eyes!
- Actually, it's quite good on toast.
- Back! Back, beast!
Back! I warn ya!
- [Gasping]
- Right.
[Roaring]
- [Shouting]
- [Roaring]
[Roaring Continues]
[Shouting Continues]
[Whispers] This is the part
where you run away.
- [Gasping]
- [Laughs]
[Laughing]
And stay out!
"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."
[Sighs]
[Man's Voice]
All right. This one's full.
- Take it away!
- [Gasps]
- Move it along. Come on! Get up!
- Next!
Give me that!
Your flying days are over.
That's 20 pieces of silver
for the witch. Next!
- Get up! Come on!
- Twenty pieces.
- [Thudding]
- Sit down there!
- Keep quiet!
- [Crying]
This cage is too small.
Please don't turn me in.
I'll never be stubborn again.
I can change.
Please! Give me another chance!
- Oh, shut up.
- Oh!
- Next!
- What have you got?
- This little wooden puppet.
I'm not a puppet.
I'm a real boy.
Five shillings
for the possessed toy.
- Take it away.
- Father, please!
Don't let them do this!
- Help me!
- Next. What have you got?
- Well, I've got a talking donkey.
- [Grunts]
Right. Well, that's good for
ten shillings, if you can prove it.
Oh, go ahead, little fella.
Well?
Oh, oh, he's just...
He's just a little nervous.
He's really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
- That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
- No, no, he talks!
He does. I can talk.
I love to talk.
I'm the talkingest
damn thing you ever saw.
- Get her out of my sight.
- No, no!
I swear! Oh!
He can talk!
[Gasps]
Hey! I can fly!
- He can fly!
- He can fly!
- He can talk!
- Ha, ha! That's right, fool!
Now I'm a flying,
talking donkey.
You might have seen a housefly,
maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't
never seen a donkey fly.
Ha, ha!
Uh-oh.
[Grunts]
Seize him!
After him!
He's getting away!
[Grunts, Gasps]
[Man]
Get him! This way! Turn!
You there. Ogre!
Aye?
By the order of Lord Farquaad,
I am authorized to place
you both under arrest...
and transport you to
a designated... resettlement facility.
Oh, really?
You and what army?
[Gasps, Whimpering]
[Chuckles]
Can I say something to you?
Listen, you was really, really somethin'
back there. Incredible!
Are you talkin' to...
me? Whoa!
Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I
tell you that you was great back there?
Those guards!
They thought they was all of that.
Then you showed up, and bam!
They was trippin' over themselves
like babes in the woods.
That really made me
feel good to see that.
- Oh, that's great. Really.
- Man, it's good to be free.
Now, why don't you go celebrate your
freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
But, uh, I don't
have any friends.
And I'm not goin'
out there by myself.
Hey, wait a minute! I got
a great idea! I'll stick with you.
You're a mean,
green, fiightin' machine.
Together we'll scare
the spit out of anybody that crosses us.
[Roaring]
Oh, wow!
That was really scary.
If you don't mind me sayin',
if that don't work, your breath
certainly will get the job done,
'cause you definitely
need some Tic Tacs or something,
'cause your breath stinks!
You almost burned the hair
outta my nose,
just like the time...
[Mumbling]
Then I ate some rotten berries.
I had strong gases eking out
of my butt that day.
Why are you following me?
I'll tell you why.
# 'Cause I'm all alone #
# There's no one here
beside me #
# My problems
have all gone #
# There's no one
to deride me #
# But you gotta have friends... #
Stop singing!
It's no wonder
you don't have any friends.
Wow. Only a true friend
would be that cruelly honest.
Listen, little donkey.
Take a look at me. What am I?
Uh...
- Really tall?
- No! I'm an ogre.
You know.
"Grab your torch and pitchforks."
Doesn't that bother you?
Nope.
- Really?
- Really, really.
- Oh.
- Man, I like you. What's your name?
Uh, Shrek.
Shrek? Well, you know
what I like about you, Shrek?
You got that kind of
l-don't-care-what-nobody-
thinks-of-me thing.
I like that.
I respect that, Shrek. You all right.
Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want
to live in a place like that?
That would be my home.
Oh! And it is lovely!
Just beautiful.
You are quite a decorator.
It's amazing what you've done
with such a modest budget.
I like that boulder.
That is a nice boulder.
I guess you don't
entertain much, do you?
I like my privacy.
You know, I do too.
That's another thing we have in common.
Like, I hate it when
you got somebody in your face.
You're trying to give them
a hint, and they won't leave.
There's that awkward silence.
- Can I stay with you?
- Uh, what?
Can I stay with you, please?
- Of course!
- Really?
- No.
- Please! I don't wanna go back there!
You don't know what it's like to be
considered a freak. Well, maybe you do.
But that's why we gotta stick together.
You gotta let me stay!
- Please! Please!
- Okay! Okay!
- But one night only.
- Ah! Thank you!
- What are you... No! No!
- This is gonna be fun!
We can stay up late,
swappin' manly stories,
and in the mornin'
I'm makin' waffles.
- Oh!
- Where do, uh, I sleep?
Outside!
Oh, well,
I guess that's cool.
I mean, I don't know you,
and you don't know me,
so I guess outside
is best, you know.
[Sniffles]
Here I go.
Good night.
[Sighs]
I mean, I do like the outdoors.
I'm a donkey. I was born outside.
I'll just be sitting by myself
outside, I guess, you know.
By myself, outside.
# I'm all alone
There's no one here beside me #
[Bubbling]
[Sighs]
[Creaking]
[Sighs]
I thought I told you to stay outside.
- I am outside.
- [Clattering]
[Clattering]
Well, gents, it's a far cry from
the farm, but what choice do we have?
It's not home,
but it'll do just fine.
What a lovely bed.
- Got ya.
- [Sniffs] I found some cheese.
- Ow! [Grunts]
- Blah! Awful stuff.
- Is that you, Gorder?
- How did you know?
Enough!
What are you doing in my house?
[Grunts]
Hey!
- [Snickers]
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Dead broad off the table.
- Where are we supposed to
put her? The bed's taken.
Huh?
[Gasps]
[Male Voice]
What?
I live in a swamp. I put up signs.
I'm a terrifying ogre!
What do I have to do
to get a little privacy?
- Aah!
- Oh, no.
Oh, no.
- No! No!
- [Cackling]
- [Cackling Continues]
- What?
- Quit it.
- Don't push.
- [Squeaking]
- [Lows]
What are you doing
in my swamp?
[Echoing]
Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!
- [Gasping]
- Oh, dear!
Whoa!
All right, get out of here.
All of you, move it!
Come on! Let's go!
Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!
- Quickly. Come on!
- No, no!
No, no.
Not there. Not there.
- Oh!
- [Sighs]
Hey, don't look at me.
I didn't invite them.
Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
- What?
- We were forced to come here.
- By who?
- Lord Farquaad.
He huffed und he puffed und he...
signed an eviction notice.
[Sighs]
All right.
Who knows where
this Farquaad guy is?
- [Murmuring]
- Oh, I do. I know where he is.
Does anyone else
know where to find him?
- Anyone at all?
- Me! Me!
- Anyone?
- Oh! Oh, pick me!
Oh, I know!
I know! Me, me!
[Sighs]
Okay, fine.
Attention,
all fairy tale things.
Do not get comfortable.
Your welcome is officially worn out.
In fact, I'm gonna see
this guy Farquaad right now...
and get you all off my land
and back where you came from!
[Cheering]
- [Twittering]
- [Cheering Continues]
Oh! You!
You're comin' with me.
All right, that's
what I like to hear, man.
Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends,
off on a whirlwind big-city adventure.
I love it!
- # On the road again #
Sing it with me, Shrek.
- Hey. Oh, oh!
# I can't wait to get
on the road again #
What did I say
about singing?
- Can I whistle?
- No.
- Can I hum it?
- All right, hum it.
# [Humming]
[Grunts]
[Whimpering]
That's enough.
He's ready to talk.
[Coughing]
[Laughing]
[Clears Throat]
Run, run, run,
as fast as you can.
You can't catch me.
I'm the gingerbread man!
- You're a monster.
- I'm not the monster here. You are.
You and the rest of that fairy tale
trash, poisoning my perfect world.
Now, tell me!
Where are the others?
- Eat me!
- [Grunts]
I've tried to be fair
to you creatures.
Now my patience has reached its end!
Tell me or I'll...
No, no, not the buttons.
Not my gumdrop buttons.
All right then.
Who's hiding them?
Okay, I'll tell you.
Do you know the muffin man?
- The muffin man?
- The muffin man.
Yes, I know the muffin man,
who lives on Drury Lane?
Well, she's married
to the muffin man.
- The muffin man?
- The muffin man!
- She's married to the muffin man.
- [Door Opens]
My lord! We found it.
Then what are you waiting for?
Bring it in.
[Man Grunting]
- [Gasping]
- Oh!
- Magic mirror...
- Don't tell him anything!
No!
- [Gingerbread Man Whimpers]
- Evening.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall.
Is this not the most
perfect kingdom of them all?
Well, technically
you're not a king.
Uh, Thelonius.
- You were saying?
- What I mean is, you're not a king yet.
But you can become one. All
you have to do is marry a princess.
- Go on.
- [Chuckles]
So, just sit back
and relax, my lord,
because it's time for you to
meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
And here they are!
Bachelorette number one
is a mentally abused shut-in
from a kingdom far, far away.
She likes sushi
and hot tubbing anytime.
Her hobbies include cooking
and cleaning for her two evil sisters.
Please welcome Cinderella.
Bachelorette number two
is a cape-wearing girl
from the land of fancy.
Although she lives with
seven other men, she's not easy.
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips
and find out what a live wire she is.
Come on.
Give it up for Snow White!
And last,
but certainly not least,
bachelorette number three
is a fiery redhead...
from a dragon-guarded castle
surrounded by hot boiling lava!
But don't let that cool you off.
She's a loaded pistol
who likes pina coladas
and getting caught in the rain.
Yours for the rescuing,
Princess Fiona!
So will it be
bachelorette number one,
bachelorette number two
or bachelorette number three?
- Two! Two!
- Three! Three!
- Two! Two!
- Three!
Three? One?
[Shudders] Three?
Three!
Pick number three, my lord!
Okay, okay, uh, number three!
Lord Farquaad,
you've chosen Princess Fiona.
# If you like pina coladas #
- # And getting caught in the rain #
- Princess Fiona.
- # If you're not into yoga #
- She's perfect.
All I have to do is
just find someone who can go...
But I probably should mention
the little thing that happens at night.
- I'll do it.
- Yes, but after sunset...
Silence! I will make
this Princess Fiona my queen,
and DuLoc will finally
have the perfect king!
Captain, assemble
your finest men.
We're going to have
a tournament.
But that's it. That's it
right there. That's DuLoc.
I told ya I'd find it.
So, that must be
Lord Farquaad's castle.
[Donkey]
Uh-huh. That's the place.
Do you think maybe
he's compensating for something?
[Laughs]
[Groans]
Hey, wait.
Wait up, Shrek.
Hurry, darling.
We're late. Hurry.
- Hey, you!
- [Screams]
Wait a second.
Look, I'm not gonna eat ya.
- I just... I just...
- [Whimpering]
[Sighs]
[Whimpering, Groans]
[Turnstile Clatters]
[Chuckles]
[Sighs]
# [Instrumental Muzak]
It's quiet.
Too quiet.
[Creaking]
- Where is everybody?
- Hey, look at this!
[Clattering, Whirring,
Clicking]
[Clicking]
[Clicking Quickens]
# Welcome to DuLoc
such a perfect town #
# Here we have some rules
Let us lay them down #
# Don't make waves, stay in line
and we'll get along fine #
# DuLoc is a perfect place #
# Please keep off of the grass
Shine your shoes, wipe your... face #
# DuLoc is, DuLoc is #
# DuLoc is a perfect #
- # Place #
- [Camera Shutter Clicks]
[Whirring]
Wow! Let's do that again!
No. No.
No, no, no! No.
# [Trumpet Fanfare]
- [Crowd Cheering]
- [Farquaad] Brave knights.
- You are the best and brightest
in all the land.
- # [Donkey Humming]
Today one of you
shall prove himself...
All right. You're going the right way
for a smacked bottom.
- Sorry about that.
- [Cheering]
That champion shall have the honor...
no, no... the privilege...
to go forth and rescue
the lovely Princess Fiona...
from the fiery keep
of the dragon.
If for any reason
the winner is unsuccessful,
the first runner-up
will take his place...
and so on and so forth.
Some of you may die, but it's
a sacrifice I am willing to make.
[Cheering]
Let the tournament begin!
- [Gasps]
- Oh!
- What is that?
- [Gasping]
- It's hideous!
- Ah, that's not very nice.
- It's just a donkey.
- Huh?
Indeed. Knights, new plan!
The one who kills the ogre will be
named champion! Have at him!
- Get him!
- Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.
[Woman]
Go ahead! Get him!
Can't we just settle this
over a pint?
[Man]
Kill the beast!
No? All right then.
Come on!
# I don't give a damn
about my reputation #
- # You're living in the past
It's a new generation #
- Damn!
- [Whinnying]
- # A girl can do
what she wants to do #
# And that's what
I'm gonna do #
# And I don't give a damn
about my bad reputation #
# Oh, no, no, no, no, no
Not me #
- # Me, me, me #
- Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
# And I don't give a damn
about my reputation #
# Never said I wanted
to improve my station #
Ah!
[Laughs]
- # And I'm always feelin'good
when I'm having fun #
- Yeah!
# And I don't have
to please no one #
The chair!
Give him the chair!
# And I don't give a damn
about my bad reputation #
# Oh, no, no, no, no, no
Not me #
# Me, me, me #
# Oh, no, no, no, no #
# Not me, not me #
- # Not me #
- [Bell Dings]
- [Cheering]
- [Laughs]
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah!
Thank you!
Thank you very much!
I'm here till Thursday.
Try the veal! Ha, ha!
- [Shrek Laughs]
- [Crowd Gasping, Murmuring]
Shall I give
the order, sir?
No, I have a better idea.
People of DuLoc,
I give you our champion!
- What?
- Congratulations, ogre.
You've won the honor of
embarking on a great and noble quest.
Quest? I'm already on a quest,
a quest to get my swamp back.
- Your swamp?
- Yeah, my swamp!
Where you dumped
those fairy tale creatures!
- [Crowd Murmuring]
- Indeed.
All right, ogre,
I'll make you a deal.
Go on this quest for me, and
I'll give you your swamp back.
Exactly the way it was?
Down to the last
slime-covered toadstool.
- And the squatters?
- As good as gone.
What kind of quest?
[Donkey] Let me get this straight.
You're gonna go fight a dragon...
and rescue a princess just so Farquaad
will give you back a swamp...
which you only don't have
because he filled it full of
freaks in the first place.
- Is that about right?
- Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
I don't get it. Why don't you just
pull some of that ogre stuff on him?
Throttle him,
lay siege to his fortress,
grind his bones to make your bread,
the whole ogre trip.
Oh, I know what.
Maybe I could have
decapitated an entire village...
and put their heads
on a pike,
gotten a knife, cut open their
spleen and drink their fluids.
Does that sound
good to you?
Uh, no, not really, no.
For your information, there's a lot
more to ogres than people think.
- Example?
- Example?
- Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
- [Sniffs] They stink?
- Yes... No!
- They make you cry?
- No!
You leave them out in the sun,
they get all brown, start
sproutin' little white hairs.
No! Layers!
Onions have layers.
Ogres have layers!
Onions have layers.
You get it? We both have layers.
[Sighs]
Oh, you both
have layers. Oh.
[Sniffs]
You know, not everybody likes onions.
Cake! Everybody loves cakes!
Cakes have layers.
I don't care...
what everyone likes.
Ogres are not like cakes.
You know what else
everybody likes? Parfaits.
Have you ever met a person, you
say, "Let's get some parfait,"
they say, "No,
I don't like no parfait"?
- Parfaits are delicious.
- No!
You dense, irritating,
miniature beast of burden!
Ogres are like onions!
End of story.
Bye-bye. See ya later.
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
on the whole damn planet.
You know, I think
I preferred your humming.
Do you have a tissue or something?
I'm making a mess.
Just the word parfait
make me start slobbering.
# I'm on my way from misery
to happiness today #
# Uh-huh, uh-huh
Uh-huh, uh-huh #
# I'm on my way from misery
to happiness today #
# Uh-huh, uh-huh
Uh-huh, uh-huh #
# And everything
that you receive up yonder #
# Is what you give to me
the day I wander #
# I'm on my way #
# I'm on my way #
# I'm on my way #
Ooh! Shrek!
Did you do that?
You gotta warn somebody before you
just crack one off. My mouth was open.
Believe me, Donkey, if
it was me, you'd be dead.
[Sniffs]
It's brimstone.
- We must be getting close.
- Yeah, right, brimstone.
Don't be talking about it's
the brimstone. I know what I
smell. It wasn't no brimstone.
It didn't come off
no stone neither.
[Rumbling]
Sure, it's big enough,
but look at the location.
[Laughing]
Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when
you said ogres have layers?
Oh, aye.
Well, I have a bit
of a confession to make.
Donkeys don't have layers. We wear
our fear right out there on our sleeves.
- Wait a second.
Donkeys don't have sleeves.
- You know what I mean.
You can't tell me
you're afraid of heights.
I'm just a little uncomfortable
about being on a rickety bridge
over a boiling lake of lava!
Come on, Donkey.
I'm right here beside ya, okay?
For emotional support,
we'll just tackle this thing
together one little baby step at a time.
- Really?
- Really, really.
- Okay, that makes me
feel so much better.
- Just keep moving.
- And don't look down.
- Okay, don't look down.
Don't look down.
Don't look down.
Keep on moving. Don't look down.
[Gasps]
Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
Oh, God, I can't do this!
Just let me off, please!
- But you're already halfway.
- But I know that half is safe!
Okay, fine. I don't
have time for this. You go back.
- Shrek, no! Wait!
- Just, Donkey...
- Let's have a dance then, shall we?
- Don't do that!
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?
- Oh, this?
- Yes, that!
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.
[Screams]
No, Shrek!
- No! Stop it!
- You said do it! I'm doin' it.
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.
Shrek, I'm gonna die.
Oh!
That'll do, Donkey.
That'll do.
Cool.
[Donkey] So where is this
fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?
Inside, waiting for us
to rescue her.
[Chuckles]
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
[Water Dripping]
[Wind Howling]
[Donkey Whispering]
You afraid?
No, but... Shh.
Oh, good. Me neither.
[Gasps]
'Cause there's nothin'
wrong with bein' afraid.
Fear's a sensible response
to an unfamiliar situation.
Unfamiliar dangerous
situation, I might add.
With a dragon that breathes fire
and eats knights and breathes fire,
it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
if you're a little scared.
I sure as heck ain't no coward.
I know that. [Gasps]
Donkey, two things, okay?
Shut... up.
Now go over there and see
if you can find any stairs.
Stairs? I thought
we was lookin' for the princess.
The princess will be up the stairs in
the highest room in the tallest tower.
- What makes you think she'll be there?
- I read it in a book once.
Cool. You handle the dragon.
I'll handle the stairs.
I'll find those stairs.
I'll whip their butt too.
Those stairs won't know
which way they're goin'.
[Creaking]
I'm gonna take drastic steps.
Kick it to the curb. Don't mess
with me. I'm the stair master.
I've mastered the stairs.
I wish I had a step right here.
I'd step all over it.
Well, at least we know
where the princess is, but where's the...
Dragon!
[Screams]
[Gasps]
[Roars]
Donkey, look out!
[Screams]
[Screams]
[Whimpering]
- Got ya!
- [Roars]
[Gasps]
[Shouts]
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
[Screaming]
[Gasps]
Oh! Aah! Aah!
[Gasping]
[Growls]
No. Oh, no. No!
[Screams]
- Oh, what large teeth you have.
- [Growls]
I mean, white, sparkling teeth.
I know you probably hear this
all the time from your food,
but you must bleach, 'cause that
is one dazzling smile you got there.
Do I detect a hint
of minty freshness?
And you know what else?
You're... You're a girl dragon!
Oh, sure! I mean,
of course you're a girl dragon.
You're just reeking
of feminine beauty.
What's the matter with you?
You got something in your eye?
Ooh. Oh. Oh.
Man, I'd really love to stay,
but, you know, I'm, uh... [Coughs]
I'm an asthmatic, and
I don't know if it'd work out if
you're gonna blow smoke rings.
Shrek!
[Gasps]
[Whimpering]
No! Shrek! Shrek!
Shrek!
[Groans, Sighs]
# [Chorus Vocalizing]
# [Vocalizing Continues]
# [Vocalizing Continues]
Oh! Oh!
- Wake up!
- What?
Are you Princess Fiona?
I am, awaiting a knight
so bold as to rescue me.
Oh, that's nice.
Now let's go!
But wait, Sir Knight.
This be-ith our first meeting.
Should it not be
a wonderful, romantic moment?
- Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
- Hey, wait. What are you doing?
You should sweep me
off my feet...
out yonder window and down a rope
onto your valiant steed.
You've had a lot of time
to plan this, haven't you?
Mm-hmm.
[Screams, Grunts]
But we have to
savor this moment!
You could recite
an epic poem for me.
A ballad? A sonnet!
- A limerick? Or something!
- I don't think so.
Can I at least know
the name of my champion?
Um, Shrek.
Sir Shrek.
[Clears Throat]
I pray that you take this favor
as a token of my gratitude.
Thanks!
[Roaring]
You didn't slay the dragon?
- It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
- [Screams]
But this isn't right!
You were meant to charge in,
sword drawn, banner flying.
That's what all
the other knights did.
Yeah, right before
they burst into flame.
That's not the point. Oh!
Wait. Where are you going?
The exit's over there.
Well, I have to save my ass.
What kind of knight are you?
One of a kind.
[Donkey]
Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.
I believe it's healthy to get to
know someone over a long period of time.
Just call me old-fashioned.
[Laughs]
I don't want to rush into
a physical relationship.
I'm not emotionally ready
for a commitment of, uh, this...
Magnitude really is
the word I'm looking for.
Magnitude... Hey, that is
unwanted physical contact.
Hey, what are you doing?
Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little
and take this one step at a time.
We really should get to know each other
first as friends or pen pals.
I'm on the road a lot,
but I just love receiving cards...
I'd really love
to stay, but...
Don't do that! That's my tail!
That's my personal tail.
You're gonna tear it off.
I don't give permission... What
are you gonna do with that?
Hey, now. No way.
No! No!
No, no! No.
No, no, no! No! Oh!
[Growls]
[Roars]
- [Roaring]
- [Gasps]
- Hi, Princess!
- It talks!
Yeah, it's getting him
to shut up that's the trick.
[Screams]
[Screaming]
Oh!
- [Thuds]
- [Groans]
[Shrek Groans]
[Roars]
[Roars]
[Roaring]
[Roars]
Okay, you two,
head for the exit!
I'll take care of the dragon.
[Echoing]
Run!
[Gasping]
[Screaming]
[Roaring]
- [Screams]
- [Roars]
[Panting, Sighs]
[Whimpers]
[Roars]
[Roars, Whimpers]
- [Dragon Growling In The Distance]
- You did it!
You rescued me!
You're amazing. You're...
You're wonderful. You're...
a little unorthodox I'll admit.
But thy deed is great,
and thine heart is pure.
- I am eternally in your debt.
- [Clears Throat]
And where would a brave knight be
without his noble steed?
I hope you heard that. She called me
a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
[Fiona Laughs]
The battle is won.
You may remove your helmet,
good Sir Knight.
- Uh, no.
- Why not?
I have helmet hair.
Please. I would'st look
upon the face of my rescuer.
No, no, you wouldn't... 'st.
But how will you kiss me?
What? That wasn't
in the job description.
Maybe it's a perk.
No, it's destiny.
Oh, you must know how it goes.
A princess locked in a tower
and beset by a dragon...
is rescued by a brave knight,
and then they share
true love's first kiss.
Hmm? With Shrek?
You think... Wait.
Wait. You think that
Shrek is your true love?
Well, yes.
- [Laughing]
- [Laughing]
You think Shrek
is your true love!
What is so funny?
Let's just say I'm
not your type, okay?
Of course, you are.
You're my rescuer.
Now... Now remove your helmet.
Look. I really don't think
this is a good idea.
- Just take off the helmet.
- I'm not going to.
- Take it off.
- No!
- Now!
- Okay!
Easy. As you command,
Your Highness.
You... You're a... an ogre.
Oh, you were expecting
Prince Charming.
Well, yes, actually.
Oh, no. This is all wrong.
You're not supposed
to be an ogre.
[Sighs] Princess, I was sent
to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay?
He's the one
who wants to marry you.
Then why didn't
he come rescue me?
Good question. You should
ask him that when we get there.
But I have to be rescued
by my true love,
not by some ogre
and his... his pet.
So much for noble steed.
You're not making
my job any easier.
I'm sorry, but your job
is not my problem.
You can tell Lord Farquaad
that if he wants to rescue me properly,
I'll be waiting for him
right here.
Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy,
all right? I'm a delivery boy.
You wouldn't dare.
- Put me down!
- Ya comin', Donkey?
I'm right behind ya.
Put me down, or you will
suffer the consequences!
This is not dignified!
Put me down! [Screams]
Okay, so here's
another question.
Say there's a woman
that digs you, right, but you
don't really like her that way.
How do you let her down real easy
so her feelings aren't hurt,
but you don't get burned
to a crisp and eaten?
You just tell her
she's not your true love.
Everyone knowest what happens
when you find your...
Hey!
[Sighs]
The sooner we get
to DuLoc the better.
You're gonna love it there,
Princess. It's beautiful!
And what of my groom-to-be?
Lord Farquaad? What's he like?
Let me put it this way,
Princess.
Men of Farquaad's stature
are in short supply.
[Laughs]
I don't know. There are those who
think little of him.
[Both Laughing]
Stop it. Stop it,
both of you.
You're just jealous you can
never measure up to a great
ruler like Lord Farquaad.
Yeah, well, maybe
you're right, Princess.
But I'll let you do the "measuring"
when you see him tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
It'll take that long?
- Shouldn't we stop to make camp?
- No, that'll take longer.
- We can keep going.
- But there's robbers in the woods.
Whoa! Time out, Shrek!
Camping's starting to sound good.
Hey, come on.
I'm scarier than anything we're
going to see in this forest.
I need to find
somewhere to camp now!
[Bird Wings Fluttering]
[Grunting]
- Hey! Over here.
- Shrek, we can do better than that.
I don't think
this is fit for a princess.
No, no, it's perfect.
It just needs a few homey touches.
- Homey touches? Like what?
- [Crashing]
A door? Well, gentlemen,
I bid thee good night.
You want me to read you
a bedtime story? I will.
I said good night!
Shrek, what are you doing?
[Laughs]
I just... You know... Oh, come on.
I was just kidding.
[Fire Crackling]
And, uh, that one,
that's Throwback,
the only ogre to ever spit
over three wheat fields.
Right. Yeah.
Hey, can you tell my future
from these stars?
The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.
They tell stories.
Look, there's Bloodnut,
the Flatulent.
- You can guess what he's famous for.
- I know you're making this up.
No, look.
There he is,
and there's the group of hunters
running away from his stench.
That ain't nothin' but
a bunch of little dots.
Sometimes things are
more than they appear.
Hmm?
Forget it.
[Sighs]
Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do
when we get our swamp anyway?
Our swamp?
You know, when we're through
rescuing the princess.
We? Donkey, there's no "we."
There's no "our."
There's just me and my swamp.
The first thing I'm gonna do is build
a ten-foot wall around my land.
You cut me deep, Shrek.
You cut me real deep just now.
You know what I think?
I think this whole wall thing
is just a way to keep somebody out.
- No, do ya think?
- Are you hidin' something?
Never mind, Donkey.
Oh, this is another one of
those onion things, isn't it?
No, this is one of those drop-it
and leave-it-alone things.
- Why don't you want to talk about it?
- Why do you want to?
- Why are you blocking?
- I'm not blocking.
- Oh, yes, you are.
- Donkey, I'm warning you.
- Who you trying to keep out?
- Everyone! Okay?
Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
Oh! For the love of Pete!
What's your problem?
What you got against the whole world?
I'm not the one
with the problem, okay?
It's the world that seems
to have a problem with me.
People take one look at me
and go, "Aah! Help! Run!
A big, stupid, ugly ogre!"
[Sighs] They judge me before
they even know me.
That's why
I'm better off alone.
You know what?
When we met, I didn't think you was
just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
Yeah, I know.
So, uh, are there
any donkeys up there?
Well, there's, um, Gabby,
the Small and Annoying.
Okay, I see it now. The big shiny
one, right there. That one there?
- That's the moon.
- Oh, okay.
# [Orchestra]
# [Dulcimer]
[Farquaad]
Again. Show me again.
[Music Stops, Rewinds]
Mirror, mirror, show her to me.
Show me the princess.
- Hmph.
- # [Rewinds, Resumes]
Ah. Perfect.
[Inhales]
[Snoring]
# [Vocalizing]
# [Vocalizing Continues]
# [Whistling]
# [Whistling Continues]
- # [Vocalizes]
- # [Whistles]
- # [Vocalizes]
- # [Whistles]
- # [Vocalizing]
- # [Whistling]
- # [Vocalizing, High-pitched]
- # [Whistling, High-pitched]
# [Continues]
[Sizzling]
[Sniffs, Yawns]
Mmm, yeah, you know
I like it like that.
- Come on, baby. I said I like it.
- Donkey, wake up.
- Huh? What?
- Wake up.
- What?
- Good morning.
How do you like your eggs?
- Good morning, Princess!
- What's all this about?
We kind of got off
to a bad start yesterday.
I wanted to make it up to you.
After all, you did rescue me.
- Uh, thanks.
- [Sniffs]
Well, eat up.
We've got a big day ahead of us.
- [Belches]
- Shrek!
What? It's a compliment.
Better out than in,
I always say. [Laughs]
- Well, it's no way to behave
in front of a princess.
- [Belches]
- Thanks.
- She's as nasty as you are.
[Laughs] You know,
you're not exactly what I expected.
Maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them.
# [Vocalizing]
[Man]
La liberte! Hey!
Princess!
- [Laughs]
- What are you doing?
Be still, mon cherie,
for I am your savior!
And I am rescuing you from this green...
[Kissing Sounds]
- Beast.
- Hey!
That's my princess!
Go find your own!
Please, monster!
Can't you see I'm a little busy here?
Look, pal, I don't know
who you think you are!
Oh! Of course!
Oh, how rude.
Please let me
introduce myself.
Oh, Merry Men!
[Laughs]
# [Accordion]
# Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo #
# I steal from the rich
and give to the needy #
- # He takes a wee percentage #
- # But I'm not greedy #
# I rescue pretty damsels
Man, I'm good #
- # What a guy, Monsieur Hood #
- Break it down.
# I like an honest fight
and a saucy little maid #
- # What he's basically saying
is he likes to get... #
- # Paid #
- # So #
- # When an ogre in the bush
grabs a lady by the tush #
- # That's bad #
- # That's bad #
# When a beauty's with a beast
it makes me awfully mad #
# He's mad
He's really, really mad #
# I'll take my blade and
ram it through your heart #
# Keep your eyes on me, boys
'cause I'm about to start #
[Grunts, Groans]
- [Karate Yell]
- [Merry Men Gasping]
[Panting]
Man, that was annoying!
Oh, you little...
[Karate Yell]
# [Accordion]
[Shouting, Groaning]
[Groaning]
[Chuckles]
Um, shall we?
- Hold the phone.
- [Grunts]
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on now.
- Where did that come from?
- What?
That! Back there.
That was amazing!
Where did you learn that?
Well... [Chuckles]
When one lives alone,
uh, one has to learn these things
in case there's a...
- There's an arrow in your butt!
- What?
- Oh, would you look at that?
- Oh, no. This is all my fault.
- I'm so sorry.
- Why? What's wrong?
- Shrek's hurt.
- Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt?
Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.
- Donkey, I'm okay.
- You can't do this to me.
I'm too young for you to die.
Keep your legs elevated.
Turn your head and cough.
- Does anyone know the Heimlich?
- Donkey! Calm down.
If you want to help Shrek,
run into the woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns.
Blue flower, red thorns. Okay,
I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.
Don't die, Shrek. If you see
a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
- [Both] Donkey!
- Oh, yeah. Right.
Blue flower, red thorns.
- Blue flower, red thorns.
- What are the flowers for?
- For getting rid of Donkey.
- Ah.
Now you hold still,
and I'll yank this thing out.
Ow! Hey!
Easy with the yankin'.
- I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
- No, it's tender.
Now, hold on.
- What you're doing
is the opposite of help.
- Don't move.
- Look, time out.
- Would you...
[Grunts]
Okay. What do you propose we do?
Blue flower, red thorns.
Blue flower, red thorns.
Blue flower, red thorns.
This would be so much easier
if I wasn't color-blind!
- Blue flower, red thorns.
- [Shrek] Ow!
Hold on, Shrek!
I'm comin'!
Ow! Not good.
- Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head.
- [Grunts]
- It's just about...
- Ow! Ohh!
Ahem.
Nothing happened.
We were just, uh...
Look, if you wanted to be alone,
all you had to do was ask.
Oh, come on!
That's the last thing on my mind.
The princess here
was just... Ugh!
- Ow!
- Hey, what's that?
[Nervous Chuckle]
That's... Is that blood?
[Sighs]
[Bird Chirping]
[Grunts]
# My beloved monster and me #
# We go everywhere together #
# Wearin'a raincoat
that has four sleeves #
- # Gets us through all kinds
of weather #
- Aah!
# She will always be
the only thing #
# That comes between me
and the awful sting #
# That comes from living in a world
that's so damn mean #
[Croaks]
# Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh #
Hey!
- # La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la #
- [Both Laughing]
# La-la, la-la, la-la #
There it is, Princess.
Your future awaits you.
- That's DuLoc?
- Yeah, I know.
You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's
compensating for something,
which I think means
he has a really... Ow!
Um, I, uh...
- I guess we better move on.
- Sure.
But, Shrek?
- I'm... I'm worried about Donkey.
- [Blubbering]
- What?
- I mean, look at him.
- He doesn't look so good.
- What are you talking about? I'm fine.
That's what they always say,
and then next thing you know,
you're on your back.
- Dead.
- You know, she's right.
You look awful.
Do you want to sit down?
- I'll make you some tea.
- I didn't want to say nothin',
but I got this twinge in my neck,
and when I turn my head like this, look.
- [Bones Crunch]
- Ow! See?
- Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
- I'll get the firewood.
Hey, where you goin'?
Oh, man, I can't feel my toes!
I don't have any toes!
I think I need a hug.
Mmm.
Mmm. This is good.
This is really good.
- What is this?
- Uh, weedrat.
Rotisserie style.
No kidding.
Well, this is delicious.
Well, they're also great
in stews.
Now, I don't mean to brag,
but I make a mean weedrat stew.
[Chuckling]
[Sighs] I guess I'll be dining
a little differently tomorrow night.
[Gulps] Maybe you can
come visit me in the swamp sometime.
I'll cook all kinds
of stuff for you.
Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare...
you name it.
[Chuckles]
I'd like that.
[Slurps, Laughs]
# See the pyramids
along the Nile #
Um, Princess?
- # Watch the sunrise
from a tropic isle #
- Yes, Shrek?
- I, um, I was wondering.
- # Just remember, darling
all the while #
Are you...
# You belong to me #
[Sighs]
Are you gonna eat that?
[Chuckles]
- Man, isn't this romantic?
Just look at that sunset.
- Sunset?
Oh, no!
I mean, it's late.
- L-It's very late.
- What?
Wait a minute.
I see what's goin' on here.
- You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?
- Yes!
Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.
You know, I'd better go inside.
Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to
be afraid of the dark, too, until...
Hey, no, wait.
I'm still afraid of the dark.
- [Shrek Sighs]
- Good night.
Good night.
- [Door Creaks]
- [Donkey] Ohh!
Now I really see
what's goin' on here.
Oh, what are you
talkin' about?
I don't even wanna hear it. Look,
I'm an animal, and I got instincts.
I know you two were diggin'
on each other. I could feel it.
You're crazy.
I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.
Oh, come on, Shrek.
Wake up and smell the pheromones.
- Just go on in
and tell her how you feel.
- L...
There's nothing to tell.
Besides, even if I did tell her that,
well, you know...
and I'm not sayin' I do
'cause I don't...
she's a princess,
and I'm...
An ogre?
Yeah. An ogre.
- Hey, where you goin'?
- To get... more firewood.
[Sighs]
Princess?
Princess Fiona?
Princess, where are you?
[Wings Fluttering]
Princess?
- [Creaking]
- [Gasps]
It's very spooky in here.
I ain't playing no games.
[Screams]
- Aah!
- Oh, no!
- No, help!
- Shh!
- Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
- No, it's okay. It's okay.
- What did you do with the princess?
- Donkey, I'm the princess.
- Aah!
- It's me, in this body.
Oh, my God!
You ate the princess!
- Can you hear me?
- Donkey!
- Listen, keep breathing!
I'll get you out of there!
- No!
- Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
- Shh.
- Shrek!
- This is me.
[Muffled Mumbling]
Princess?
What happened to you?
You're, uh, uh,
uh, different.
- I'm ugly, okay?
- Well, yeah!
Was it something you ate? 'Cause
I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea.
- You are what you eat, I said. Now...
- No.
L... I've been this way
as long as I can remember.
What do you mean? Look,
I ain't never seen you like this before.
It only happens
when the sun goes down.
"By night one way,
by day another.
"This shall be the norm...
"until you find
true love's first kiss...
and then
take love's true form."
Ah, that's beautiful.
I didn't know you wrote poetry.
It's a spell.
[Sighs]
When I was a little girl,
a witch cast a spell
on me.
Every night I become this.
This horrible, ugly beast!
I was placed in a tower to await the day
my true love would rescue me.
That's why I have to marry
Lord Farquaad tomorrow...
before the sun sets
and he sees me...
like this.
[Sobs]
All right, all right. Calm down.
Look, it's not that bad.
You're not that ugly.
Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.
But you only look like this at night.
Shrek's ugly 24-7.
But, Donkey,
I'm a princess,
and this is not how a princess
is meant to look.
Princess, how 'bout if you
don't marry Farquaad?
I have to.
Only my true love's kiss
can break the spell.
But, you know, um,
you're kind of an ogre,
and Shrek... well,
you got a lot in common.
Shrek?
Princess, l...
Uh, how's it going, first of all?
Good?
Um, good for me too.
I'm okay.
I saw this flower and thought of you
because it's pretty and...
well, I don't really like it,
but I thought you might like it
'cause you're pretty.
But I like you anyway.
I'd... uh, uh...
[Sighs]
I'm in trouble.
Okay, here we go.
[Fiona]
I can't just marry whoever I want.
Take a good look
at me, Donkey.
I mean, really,
who could ever love a beast
so hideous and ugly?
"Princess"and "ugly"
don't go together.
- That's why I can't
stay here with Shrek.
- [Gasps]
My only chance to live happily
ever after is to marry my true love.
- [Deep Sigh]
- Don't you see, Donkey?
That's just how
it has to be.
It's the only way
to break the spell.
- You at least gotta
tell Shrek the truth.
- No!
You can't breathe a word.
No one must ever know.
What's the point of being able to talk
if you gotta keep secrets?
Promise you won't tell.
Promise!
All right, all right.
I won't tell him. But you should.
I just know before this is over,
I'm gonna need a whole lot
of serious therapy.
- Look at my eye twitchin'.
- [Door Opens]
[Snoring]
[Fiona]
I tell him, I tell him not.
I tell him,
I tell him not.
I tell him.
Shrek!
Shrek, there's something
I want...
[Snoring]
Shrek.
- Are you all right?
- Perfect!
Never been better.
L... I don't...
There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to tell me
anything, Princess.
- I heard enough last night.
- You heard what I said?
Every word.
I thought you'd understand.
Oh, I understand.
Like you said, "Who could
love a hideous, ugly beast?"
But I thought that
wouldn't matter to you.
Yeah? Well, it does.
[Gasps, Sighs]
- Ah, right on time.
- [Horse Whinnies]
Princess, I've brought you
a little something.
# [Fanfare]
[Yawns]
What'd I miss? What'd I miss?
[Muffled] Who said that?
Couldn't have been a donkey.
Princess Fiona.
As promised.
Now hand it over.
Very well, ogre. The deed
to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.
Take it and go
before I change my mind.
Forgive me, Princess,
for startling you,
but you startled me,
for I have never seen
such a radiant beauty before.
I am Lord Farquaad.
Lord Farquaad?
Oh, no, no.
- [Snaps Fingers]
- Forgive me, my lord,
for I was just saying...
a short... farewell.
That is so sweet. You don't have
to waste good manners on the ogre.
It's not like
it has feelings.
No, you're right.
It doesn't.
Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair,
flawless Fiona.
- I ask your hand in marriage.
- [Gasps]
Will you be the perfect bride
for the perfect groom?
Lord Farquaad, I accept.
Nothing would make...
Excellent! I'll start the plans,
for tomorrow we wed!
No! I mean, uh,
why wait?
Let's get married today
before the sun sets.
Oh, anxious, are we?
You're right.
The sooner, the better.
There's so much to do!
There's the caterer,
the cake, the band, the guest list.
Captain, round up
some guests!
[Fiona]
Fare-thee-well, ogre.
Shrek, what are you doing?
You're letting her get away.
- Yeah? So what?
- Shrek, there's something
about her you don't know.
Look, I talked to her
last night. She's...
I know you talked to her last night.
You're great pals, aren't ya?
Now, if you two are such good friends,
why don't you follow her home?
Shrek, l...
I wanna go with you.
I told you, didn't I?
You're not coming home with me.
I live alone!
My swamp! Me! Nobody else!
Understand? Nobody!
Especially useless, pathetic,
annoying, talking donkeys!
- But I thought...
- Yeah. You know what?
You thought wrong!
Shrek.
# I heard there was
a secret chord #
# That David played
and it pleased the Lord #
# But you don't really
care for music, do ya #
# It goes like this
the fourth, the fifth #
# The minor fall
the major lift #
# The baffled king
composing hallelujah #
# Hallelujah #
# Hallelujah #
# Hallelujah #
# Hallelujah #
# Baby, I've been here before #
# I know this room
I've walked this floor #
# I used to live alone
before I knew you #
# I've seen your flag
on the marble arch #
# But love is not
a victory march #
# It's a cold
and it's a broken hallelujah #
# Hallelujah #
# Hallelujah #
# Hallelujah #
# Hallelujah #
# And all I ever
learned from love #
# Is how to shoot at someone #
- # Who outdrew you #
- [Moaning]
# And it's not a cry
you can hear at night #
# It's not somebody
who's seen the light #
- # It's a cold
and it's a broken hallelujah #
- [Moaning]
# Hallelujah #
# Hallelujah #
# Hallelujah #
# Hallelujah #
[Thumping Sound]
Donkey?
- [Grunts]
- What are you doing?
I would think, of all people, you would
recognize a wall when you see one.
Well, yeah.
But the wall's supposed
to go around my swamp, not through it.
It is around your half. See,
that's your half, and this is my half.
Oh! Your half. Hmm.
Yes, my half.
I helped rescue the princess.
I did half the work,
I get half the booty.
Now hand me that big old rock,
the one that looks like your head.
- Back off!
- No, you back off.
- This is my swamp!
- Our swamp.
- Let go, Donkey!
- You let go.
- Stubborn jackass!
- Smelly ogre.
Fine!
- Hey, come back here.
I'm not through with you yet.
- Well, I'm through with you.
Uh-uh. You know,
with you it's always, "Me, me, me!"
Well, guess what!
Now it's my turn!
So you just shut up
and pay attention!
You are mean to me.
You insult me and you don't
appreciate anything that I do!
You're always pushing me around
or pushing me away.
Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you
so bad, how come you came back?
Because that's what friends do!
They forgive each other!
Oh, yeah.
You're right, Donkey.
I forgive you...
for stabbin' me in the back!
Ohh! You're so wrapped up
in layers, onion boy, you're
afraid of your own feelings.
- Go away!
- There you are, doing it again
just like you did to Fiona.
All she ever do was like you,
maybe even love you.
Love me? She said I was ugly,
a hideous creature.
I heard the two of you
talking.
She wasn't talkin' about you.
She was talkin' about, uh,
somebody else.
She wasn't talking
about me?
Well, then who was
she talking about?
Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.
You don't wanna listen to me.
- Right? Right?
- Donkey!
- No!
- Okay, look.
I'm sorry, all right?
Hmph.
[Sighs]
I'm sorry.
I guess I am just a big,
stupid, ugly ogre.
Can you forgive me?
Hey, that's what friends
are for, right?
Right. Friends?
Friends.
So, um,
what did Fiona
say about me?
What are you asking me for?
Why don't you just go ask her?
The wedding!
We'll never make it in time.
Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where
there's a will, there's a way,
and I have a way.
[Whistles]
- Donkey?
- [Donkey Laughing]
I guess it's just
my animal magnetism.
[Laughing]
Aw, come here, you.
All right, all right. Don't get
all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.
All right, hop on
and hold on tight.
I haven't had a chance to
install the seat belts yet.
[Donkey Laughing]
Whoo!
[Bells Tolling]
[All Gasping]
People of DuLoc,
we gather here today...
to bear witness...
- to the union...
- Um...
- of our new king...
- Excuse me.
- Could we just skip ahead
to the "I do's"?
- [Chuckling]
Go on.
Go ahead, have some fun. If we
need you, I'll whistle. How about that?
Shrek, wait, wait!
Wait a minute!
- You wanna do this right, don't you?
- What are you talking about?
There's a line you
gotta wait for.
The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now
or forever hold your peace."
- That's when you say, "I object!"
- I don't have time for this!
Wait. What are you doing?
Listen to me!
- Look, you love this woman, don't you?
- Yes.
- You wanna hold her?
- Yes.
- Please her?
- Yes!
# Then you got to, got to
try a little tenderness #
- The chicks love that romantic crap!
- All right! Cut it out.
- When does this guy say the line?
- We gotta check it out.
- [Donkey Grunting]
- And so, by the power vested in me,
- [Shrek] What do you see?
- The whole town's in there.
- I now pronounce you husband and wife,
- They're at the altar.
- King and queen.
- Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
- Oh, for the love of Pete!
- [Grunts]
I object!
- Shrek?
- [Gasps]
Oh, now what
does he want?
[Crowd Clamoring]
Hi, everyone.
Havin' a good time, are ya?
I love DuLoc,
first of all.
- Very clean.
- What are you doing here?
Really, it's rude enough
being alive when no one wants you,
- but showing up uninvited to a wedding...
- Fiona!
- I need to talk to you.
- Oh, now you wanna talk?
It's a little late for that,
so if you'll excuse me...
- But you can't marry him.
- And why not?
Because... Because he's just
marrying you so he can be king.
Outrageous!
Fiona, don't listen to him.
- He's not your true love.
- And what do you know about true love?
Well, l... Uh...
- I mean...
- Oh, this is precious.
[Chuckling] The ogre
has fallen in love with the princess!
- Oh, good Lord.
- [Crowd Laughing]
An ogre and a princess!
[Laughing Continues]
Shrek,
is this true?
Who cares?
It's preposterous!
Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away
from our "happily ever after."
Now kiss me!
Mmmm!
"By night one way,
by day another."
I wanted to show you before.
- [Whimpers]
- [Crowd Gasping]
Well, uh,
that explains a lot.
[Farquaad]
Ugh! It's disgusting!
Guards! Guards!
I order you to get that
out of my sight now! Get them!
- Get them both!
- No, no!
This hocus-pocus alters nothing.
This marriage is binding,
and that makes me king!
- See? See?
- No, let go of me! Shrek!
- No!
- [Farquaad] Don't just
stand there, you morons.
Get out of my way!
Fiona!
Arrgh!
I'll make you regret the day we met.
I'll see you drawn and quartered!
- You'll beg for death to save you!
- No! Shrek!
- And as for you, my wife,
- Fiona!
I'll have you locked back in that tower
for the rest of your days!
- I am king!
- [Whistles]
I will have order!
I will have perfection! I will have...
Aaah!
- Aah!
- All right. Nobody move.
I got a dragon here,
and I'm not afraid to use it.
- [Dragon Roars]
- I'm a donkey on the edge!
- [Belches]
- [Donkey Laughs]
Celebrity marriages.
They never last, do they?
[Cheering]
Go ahead, Shrek.
Uh, Fiona?
Yes, Shrek?
L... I love you.
Really?
Really, really.
I love you too.
[All]
Aawww!
[Fiona's Voice] "Until you
find true love's first kiss...
[Echoing]
And then take love's true form."
[Echoing Continues] "Take love's
true form. Take love's true form."
Fiona?
Fiona.
Are you all right?
Well, yes.
But I don't understand.
I'm supposed to be beautiful.
But you are beautiful.
[Chuckles]
I was hoping this would be
a happy ending.
# I thought love was only true
in fairy tales #
[All]
Oy!
# Meant for someone else
but not for me #
# Love was out to get me #
# That's the way it seemed #
# Disappointment
haunted all my dreams #
# And then I saw her face #
# Now I'm a believer #
# And not a trace #
# Of doubt in my mind #
- # I'm in love #
- # Ooh-ahh #
# I'm a believer
I couldn't leave her #
# If I tried #
God bless us, every one.
Come on, y'all!
# Then I saw her face # Ha-ha!
# Now I'm a believer #
Listen!
# Not a trace #
# Of doubt in my mind #
# I'm in love
Ooh-ahh #
# I'm a believer
I couldn't leave her if I tried #
- Ooh!
- Uh!
# Then I saw her face #
# Now I'm a believer #
Hey!
# Not a trace #
Uhh! Yeah.
# Of doubt in my mind #
One more time!
# I'm in love
I'm a believer #
Come on!
# I believe, I believe
I believe, I believe #
# I believe, I believe
I believe, I believe, I believe, hey #
Y'all sing it with me!
# I #
# Believe #
# I believe #
People in the back!
- # I believe #
- # I'm a believer #
# I believe #
# I believe #
# I believe #
[Hysterical Laughing]
Oh, that's funny.
Oh. Oh.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
# I believe in self-assertion #
# Destiny or
a slight diversion #
# Now it seems
I've got my head on straight #
# I'm a freak
an apparition #
# Seems I've made
the right decision #
# To try to turn back now
it might be too late #
- # I want to stay home today #
- # Don't wanna go out #
- # If anyone comes to play #
- # Gonna get thrown out #
- # I wanna stay home today #
- # Don't want no company #
# No way #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# I wanna be a millionaire
someday #
# But know what it feels like
to give it away #
# Watch me march
to the beat of my own drum #
# And it's off to the moon
and then back again #
# Same old day
Same situation #
# My happiness rears back
as if to say #
- # I wanna stay home today #
- # Don't wanna go out #
- # If anyone comes my way #
- # Gonna get thrown out #
- # I wanna stay home today #
- # Don't want no company #
# No way #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# I wanna stay home
stay home, stay home #
- # I wanna stay home today #
- # Don't wanna go out #
- # If anyone comes to play #
- # Gonna get thrown out #
# I wanna stay home today #
# Don't want no company
No way #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# I get such a thrill
when you look in my eyes #
# My heart skips a beat
Girl, I feel so alive #
# Please tell me, baby
if all this is true #
# 'Cause deep down inside
all I wanted was you #
# Oh-oh-oh
Makes me wanna dance #
# Oh-oh-oh
It's a new romance #
# Oh-oh-oh
I look into your eyes #
# Oh-oh-oh
The best years of our lives #
# When we first met
I could hardly believe #
# The things that would happen
and we could achieve #
# So let's be together
for all of our time #
# Oh, girl, I'm so thankful
that you are still mine #
# You always consider me
like an ugly duckling #
# And treat me like a Nostradamus
was why I had to get my shine on #
# I break a little something
to keep my mind on #
# 'Cause you had my mind gone
Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh #
# Turn the lights on, Come on, baby
Let's just rewind the song #
# 'Cause all I want to do is
make the rest years the best years #
# All night long #
- # Oh-oh-oh, makes me wanna dance #
- # Makes me wanna dance #
- # Oh-oh-oh, it's a new romance #
- # It's a new romance #
- # Oh-oh-oh, I look into your eyes #
- # Oh, yeah, yeah #
- # Look into your eyes #
- # Oh-oh-oh #
- # The best years of our lives #
- # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #
- # Oh-oh-oh, makes me wanna dance #
- # Whoa-oh-oh, dance, yeah #
# Oh-oh-oh
It's a new romance #
- # Oh-oh-oh, I look into your eyes #
- # Look into your eyes, yeah #
# Oh-oh-oh
The best years of our lives #
# Everything looks bright #
# Standing in your light #
# Everything feels right #
# What's left is out of sight #
# What's a girl to do
I'm telling you
You're on my mind #
# I wanna be with you #
# 'Cause when you're
standin'next to me #
# It's like wow #
# And all your kisses
seem to set me free #
# It's like wow #
# And when we touch
it's such a rush
I can't get enough #
# It's like... It's like
Ooh-ooh #
# Hey, what #
# It's like wow
Ooh-ooh, hey #
# Hey, yeah
It's like wow #
# Everything is looking
right now, right now #
- # It's like wow #
- # And I got this feeling #
# This feeling
it's just like wow #
# It's just like wow #
- You are all I'm thinking of.
- # Like wow #
# Everything feels right
Everything feels right #
- # Like wow #
- # Everything looks bright #
All my senses are right.
- # Like wow #
- # Everything feels right #
# Baby, baby, baby
the way I'm feeling you #
# Is like wow #
# [Instrumental]
# There is something
that I see #
# In the way
you look at me #
# There's a smile
There's a truth #
# In your eyes #
# What an unexpected way #
# On this unexpected day #
# Could it be #
# This is where I belong #
# It is you I have loved #
# All along #
# There's no more mystery #
# It is finally clear to me #
# You're the home
my heart's searched for #
# So long #
# It is you I have loved #
# All along #
# Whoa, over and over #
# I'm filled with emotion #
# As I look #
# Into your perfect face #