(WOMAN WAILING LOUDLY)
(CONTINUES WAILING)
(QUIETLY) Mum? Mum?
Mum?
Mum?
Mum?
Mum?
Mum? Mum?
Mum?
You all right?
I was just thinking about Poppy.
She was me only friend.
Aw, Mum. I'm your friend.
You're not a friend.
You're just a relative.
I'm 34 years old!
And I've found someone who likes me,
and I like him,
and I'm going on holiday with him.
You're running away
from your... guilt!
Don't do that with Poppy's lead, Mum.
CAROL:
You've always had lovely hair, Tina.
TINA: It is quite thick, isn't it?
CAROL: Yes.
I've always admired your hair
being thick, because mine's so thin.
I think you might have a few split ends.
Better watch that.
- Any more bags you want taking?
- TINA: Well,
- I might want a couple more towels.
- CHRIS: No, not in there.
CHRIS: You didn't tell me
your mum was an artist.
TINA: What?
Look at these.
(WHISPERS) Chris, don't go in there.
- (MUMBLES) Why not?
- Come out. Chris.
What's going on?
CHRIS: I'm just admiring
your artwork, Carol. It's fantastic.
I don't want anyone in my room.
Chris was just saying how talented
he thinks you are, Mum.
CAROL: It's my private sanctum.
I don't want anybody looking.
Well, no one's looking
in your sanctum, Mum.
So I'll just... Shall I leave you, then,
to look at your brushes?
I'll just sit for a few minutes, yes.
- Okay.
- I could do with a cup of tea.
- I'll get you one, Mum.
- That'd be nice.
- I'm shutting the door now.
- That's okay.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Okay, Mum, bye.
Bye.
- All right?
- Yeah.
Good.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
- I've always wanted a boy in my bed.
- Come on.
- Have you?
- Yeah. I was never allowed.
I've always wanted to be in this bed.
- This is Jonty.
- Oh, he's putting me off.
(TINA LAUGHING)
- CHRIS: I like this room.
- Do you?
- Mmm.
- I hate it.
Why?
TINA: Well, I like the bits.
CHRIS: Makes me think of you
when you were a kid.
TINA: At the same time, if it was
all destroyed, I'd be quite happy.
CHRIS: So what were you like
when you were a little kid, then?
TINA: Unhappy.
CHRIS: You didn't like school?
- (TINA EXHALES)
- I know, nor me.
What were you like at school, Chris?
I wasn't like anything.
I was, like, invisible.
TINA: What about you being ginger?
CHRIS: Weli, that's a problem, yeah.
TINA: That's not invisible, is it?
CHRIS: No, but I wanted to be.
Oh, I don't think it's safe
going off with him.
It is safe!
I know about all kinds of people who've
had very bad experiences in caravans.
Like who?
Well, Louise.
She fell out of it, didn't she?
Oh, I don't know. I mean, you've gone
far too fast with him far too soon.
You hardly know him.
TINA: You look like you...
you don't trust him.
CAROL: I don't.
TINA: Just let him get on with it.
CAROL: Well, I'd like to know
what he's getting on with.
- Well, he's packing.
- How much of our stuff has he got?
Mum, he hasn't got any of your stuff.
Don't be silly.
CHRIS: All right, uh, toothbrush?
TINA: Yeah.
- And a sponge?
- Yeah.
- Umbrella?
- Yes.
- Uh, wash bag?
- Yes.
- What's that? What's that?
- Potpourri.
And what are you bringing that for?
We don't need potpourri.
I don't think I could cope
without potpourri, Chris.
You're gonna have a woman's touch
on this holiday, Chris.
Yeah, that's what I'm hoping.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, Chris.
Don't look at my bum.
- I'm not looking at your bum.
- You are.
- Just son' of loomed into my vision.
- (TINA LAUGHING)
(CLATTERING)
Milady.
- Bye, Mum.
- You'll be back.
I will, Mum, in a week.
Okay, well, we'll see you then, Carol.
I'll bring her back safe,
don't you worry.
Hey, I understand
you collect snow globes.
I don't like you.
Okay, well, see you, then.
(ENGINE STARTS)
Show me your world, Chris.
Well, I thought we'd start
with Crich Tram Museum.
- Great.
- Murderer.
It was an accident, Mum.
So were you.
CHRIS: Don't listen to her.
(# TAINTED LOVE BY SOFT CELL)
# Sometimes I feel I've got to run away
# I've got to get away
# From the pain you drive
into the heart of me
# The love we share seems to go nowhere
# And I've lost my light
li For I toss and turn
I can't sleep at night
# Once I ran to you
# I ran
# Now I'll run from you
# This tainted love you've given
# I give you all a boy could give you
# Take my tears
and that's not nearly all
# Tainted love
# Now I know I've got to run away
# I've got to...
That's, uh, 32.99.
- Extra strong.
- How can you?
Ah, sharpens the mind.
Poppy loved mints.
- They gave her the runs.
- Mint me.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- Hold tight, please.
So, ladies and gentlemen,
this is, um,
one of about 1,200 tram cars
of this type, of type E1,
built, um, by London County Council
from about 1912 onwards.
Out of those 1,200 trams,
only two have survived.
CHRIS: You know, mobility,
the key to personal opportunity.
It's why I favour the Abbey Oxford
as a caravan.
So I'm the captain of me own fate.
Excuse me, you dropped your wrapper.
Your wrapper.
I said, you dropped your wrapper.
You see that? Do you see that?
(CHRIS SIGHS) You just
don't expect to see that, do you?
No. He was a pig, Chris.
He was a pig in clothes.
I don't want this to ruin our holiday.
You expect that of a kid
who doesn't know any better.
- (SHUSHING)
- But that's a bloody grown man.
He must be, what, 35,
something like that?
- Yeah, you don't expect it.
- Behaving like that in front of...
- He's setting an example to kids...
- I know, it's terrible.
And we're in a place where there's...
It's a bloody heritage place.
- I know. Shh. I know.
- I just cannot...
Maybe you'll feel better
if you have a scone.
- No. No.
- Do you want a scone?
No! They've not been preserved
for hundreds of years
- so that wankers like that...
- Shh. Shh.
...can use them like a bloody toilet!
WOMAN OVER PA: Tina Read
to the Visitor Information Centre.
Stop telling me to shush.
It's putting me on edge.
Miss Tina Read,
your mother's on the phone.
TINA: I'm gonna have to go
and see what's wrong.
Yeah.
Wait here, won't you?
I'm not gonna be able to enjoy
the museum if you're in this state.
I'll have to come home, then.
Chris is up there, he's looking at me.
I don't...
Well, no! I'm gonna have...
Well, I'm gonna have to come back, Mum,
'cause I can't leave you in this state.
- Hey, what's up? Oh, come on, what's up?
- (SOBBING)
Hey. What's happened?
- What'd she say?
- (SOBBING) We have to go home.
Why? What, because of her?
Blue John mines tomorrow. Pencil Museum.
I know how much you wanted to see that.
Got some vouchers as well.
Two-for-one restaurant deal.
They expire in a week.
It's now or never.
(ENGINE REVVING)
(CRUNCHING)
(INAUDIBLE)
(INAUDIBLE)
He just stepped out, Chris,
and it wasn't your fault.
(CHRIS SIGHS DEEPLY)
Maybe you're right.
(VOICE TREMBLING) I just feel so
devastated for his family, you know?
- Maybe your mother was right.
- About what?
About everything!
About everything.
- Chris...
- He's ruined the Tram Museum for me now.
Mint me.
What?
You heard me. Mint me.
(BOTH MOANING)
(MOANING CONTINUES)
(MOANING CONTINUES)
"Dear Mum, I'm not coming home. "
"Yorkshire is lovely.
Not like you said at all. "
"They can smile,
and they do sell my pasta sauce. "
"The caravan bed is quite short,
but Chris is a sensitive lover. "
"Hope you can be happy for me.
Love, Tina. "
TINA: Right, well,
they've only got two spots left.
One by the Dingley Dell
and one by the bogs.
CHRIS: Um, he's going for Dingley Dell.
Chris, I want Dingley Dell.
I'm gonna get this bloody Dingley Dell.
- Can't we go around it?
- Just hold on, I'm gonna do it.
- Go around them. Go around.
- We'll make it.
- Go that way.
- I will, just wait there, wait...
- Just go around it.
- Okay! Hold on.
Oh, Chris! Don't look at them, Chris.
(GASPS) Oh, I just...
(WHOOPING)
(TYRES SKIDDING)
(BOTH LAUGH)
Fuck you!
I am the best. Get in.
- Now, see that?
- Yes.
Plug that into that
little hole over there. Right?
Why?
You don't need to know why. Just do it.
- Okay?
- The little hole.
The little hole.
Turn it round so that fits
in that little bit there.
- That hole...
- No, I wanna do it.
- Okay.
- This is a ridiculous plug, this.
Never seen anything like it.
- (CLICKS)
- CHRIS: There we go.
- I did it. (CHUCKLES)
- Brilliant.
I'll just sort that out.
Chris?
What?
It's a bit eerie, isn't it?
Yeah, I suppose it is, yeah.
I didn't think it would kill him,
did you, Chris?
Well, there's loads of stuff
under a caravan that'll kill you.
I'll have nightmares
about that tonight now.
Oh, you're not gonna go under a caravan,
are you?
You're gonna be in the driving seat.
In the car, with me.
Well, not driving.
I mean, in the passenger seat.
I'll do the driving.
CHRIS: Bit of a mess, actually.
There we go, good as new.
CHRIS: This is exactly
how I imagined it.
There's no one sticking their nose in.
No one penetrating the mind.
(SIGHING) I'll have to sort
all of this out all again.
CHRIS: Take the noble English oak,
Old Knobbley.
That won't stab you in the back
or belittle your five-year plan.
I mean, where am I supposed to put that?
- That tree won't...
- There isn't anywhere.
- There's just no surfaces.
- ... steal things that belong to you
and put them in another place
just to piss you off.
That tree won't involve itself
in low-level bullying
that means you have to leave work.
I've got a confession to make.
Chris. Not a wheat intolerance?
No. It's, uh, it's not just
an erotic odyssey we're on.
(DISAPPOINTED) Isn't it?
Well, it is.
I mean, that's a big part of it, but...
(INHALES) Er, I'm writing a book.
- Are you?
- Yeah.
I thought I'd just have
a bit of a sabbatical.
You know, a bit of time off work
and, you know, find my voice.
But, uh, I've had a bit of a problem
with writer's block.
You know, been...
creative constipation.
I hooked up with you at capoeira
and I realised you were exactly
what I needed. You know, a muse.
- Am I your muse?
- Yeah.
- Chris!
- How do you feel about that?
I've never been a muse before.
No? I've never had a muse before.
It's great. Yeah.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
- What's the book about?
- (DRUMS PLAYING FAINTLY)
Just sort of making inroads into
my own mind and taking notes as I go.
Do you know what I mean? It's fantastic.
I'm really pleased with
what I've come up with so far.
- MAN: Knock, knock.
- CHRIS: Oh, hello.
Settled in?
CHRIS: Yeah, we have, thanks.
Yeah, lovely spot.
- Not bad, is it?
- Yeah.
Just doing my rounds.
Sorry about the racket.
- CHRIS: Yeah.
- Festival in the yurt field.
- CHRIS: Who are they?
- Uh, well, they're shaman.
They're sort of priests. Shamans.
They're from Portsmouth, you know.
- Uh-huh.
- It's just a little festival.
Keeps them all happy, doesn't it?
You know.
And how long are they
gonna be drumming for?
Well, just this evening.
- Okay?
- Thanks a lot, mate.
- All the best.
- Yeah.
- Bye.
- Pleasure.
He seemed nice.
(DISDAINFULLY) Yurts.
CHRIS: There's a stream
down here somewhere.
I need some proper boots, Chris.
CHRIS: Yeah,
brought my last girlfriend.
Oh.
Yeah, I think this was it.
This is a ditch, Chris.
WOMAN: I thought he said on the phone
we'd be at the Dingley Dell.
- MAN: I know, darling.
- We're right by the loo.
- Well, that'll be handy.
- Shall I take some light stuff, darling?
- Yeah, that'd be great.
- Sterling Elite 90, isn't it?
Sorry?
Sterling Elite 90.
Yeah. Yes.
How'd you find it
on the petrol consumption?
Uh, not too bad, actually.
Takes her less fuel to pull
than some of the older models.
Yeah, you're probably right, yeah.
We use loads of petrol. Don't we, Tina?
Yeah, we love it.
Hey, do you mind if we have
a little look inside? Is that all right?
BOTH: Um...
- I'll only be a second.
- MAN: A quick look wouldn't hurt.
CHRIS: Yeah.
WOMAN: Okay. Fine.
CHRIS: We really appreciate it.
Be fantastic to have a look in there.
Sorry, do you mind
just slipping those off?
- I saw you come out of the toilet block.
- CHRIS: Mmm-hmm.
(TINA GASPS)
It's beautiful in here.
It's just like a hospital.
- It's all oak.
- (DOG BARKING)
CHRIS: What's this, then?
MAN: It's a stereo unit.
It's a bit delicate.
CHRIS: Is it?
WOMAN: It's German. German.
There's no buttons on it.
(CHUCKLES) Well, it's voice-activated.
Don't... Sorry...
- Poppy.
- WOMAN: You all right, Banjo?
Are you in there?
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON TV)
- CAROL: Tina?
- What?
Have you had all the Senokot?
- No.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- Hello.
- Hi. My name's Chalid Sulinan.
I work for CACSA,
raising money for child soldiers.
TINA: No.
- (TOY SQUEAKING)
- Aren't you naughty?
Okay. (CLEARS THROAT) I have got some...
Poppy. Come on!
(BARKING PLAYFULLY)
She's... She's like that.
Come on! Yeah!
You're distracting me now, Poppy.
Go on.
(POPPY YELPS)
(THUDDING)
(CAROL WAILING)
Oh, my God! Tina!
(DOORS CLATTERING)
(WHISPERING) Poppy.
MAN: Do you mind not opening that one?
Sorry, do you mind not opening that one?
God... No!
We don't give him junk food!
(DOG WHIMPERING)
MAN: Poor boy.
- Cheap crisps are full of horrors.
- WOMAN: I know.
It'll be nice when you've
decorated it a bit, this place.
Oh, well, we don't like clutter.
No, no, no, you don't want clutter.
You just want some plants and cushions
and pictures and a tablecloth there.
Yeah, well, that would be clutter,
though, wouldn't it? (SIGHS)
I'm really sorry about that.
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) Sorry, sorry.
That's really embarrassing.
- Never mind.
- Sorry. I'm so embarrassed.
It's fine.
Uh, you'll have to pop over
to Dingley Dell sometime.
But, uh, if the caravan's rockin',
don't come a-knockin'.
Ha. Um, we're pretty intent
on doing some serious walking.
I'm writing a book.
Walks Along the Ley Lines of Britain.
Actually, it's his third, so...
(CHUCKLES)
I'm out at the crack of dawn,
having a reconnoitre.
(DISINTERESTEDLY) Yeah. Are you?
Do you think they liked us?
Ian and Janice.
Chris?
Are you all right?
I didn't like their caravan.
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
IAN: Um, we're pretty intent
on doing some serious walking.
- I'm writing a book.
- TINA: Chris.
IAN: Walks Along the Ley Lines
of Britain.
JANICE: Actually, it's his third.
TINA: Are you all right?
IAN: We're pretty intent
on doing some serious walking.
I'm writing a book.
Walks Along the Ley Lines of Britain.
JANICE: Actually, it's his third.
TINA: Do you think they liked us?
IAN: I'm out at the crack of dawn.
TINA: Ian and Janice.
- IAN: I'm writing a book.
- (CHUCKLES)
(# SEASON OF THE WITCH BY VANILLA FUDGE)
# When I look outside my window
(SOFTLY) Chris.
# What do I see?
Chris!
(SNORING)
(MUTTERING SLEEPILY)
# And when I look outside my window
# So many different people to be, yeah
# That it's strange
# So strange
# You've got to pick up every stitch
# Two rabbits running in a ditch
# The hippies out to make it rich
# Oh, oh
# Must be the season of the witch
# Must be the season of the witch
(CAMERA CLICKING)
# Must be the season of the witch
# Must be the season of the witch
(WHISPERING) Poppy!
Chris!
(FAINT DRUMMING)
My God, what is it?
Shamans. They sacrificed
Mr Grant's chickens to the goddess Kali.
Chris, you've got some on you.
Oh, sorry, yeah.
No, I'll get cleaned up in a minute.
Hey, Blue John Cavern
opens in 45 minutes.
I was thinking we should
give another campsite a go tonight.
This one's gone downhill.
MAN: So how many chickens have you got?
MR GRANT: Now I've only got nine,
but I had twelve.
Barbara, Margot...
and the cockerel...
Ronnie Wood.
Ian!
Ian!
We might be able to fit in, uh,
Fountains Abbey.
Banjo! What's wrong?
Where's your mummy?
What's happened? Eh?
Chris, look.
What's that?
Banjo says his mummy's
a mean, horrible bitch
and he wants to come with us.
Oh, I don't think that would be fair
on Ian and Janice.
Banjo?
We don't care about being fair, do we?
No. We just care about being happy.
Bloody things I do for you, love.
TINA: There we go.
Stay!
Say one fucking word and it's...
Go, go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, Chris. Go, go. Go. Go.
Oh, no, Chris, it's Janice.
No. Banjo, down. Down, Banjo.
JANICE: Ian!
Ian!
(BOTH WHOOPING)
(ECHOING CAVERNOUSLY)
(CHRIS WHOOPING)
(TINA IMITATING MONKEY)
TINA: Chris?
(WHISPERING) Chris.
You getting anything?
You getting any inspiration?
- Chris.
- Hang on.
- Chris. Chris.
- Shut up, will you?
- Taste that.
- (SHUSHING)
If you haven't started the book yet,
then you might as well
write it about something else.
- Fuck!
- What?
- Fuck, fuck, fuck.
- What is it?
Every time I think I've found my oeuvre,
someone shits on it.
Well, I wouldn't shit on you, Chris.
Not unless you asked me to.
Everyone else seems to find it
so easy to express themselves.
I mean, even you've got your knitting,
haven't you?
But the thing is, Chris,
I'm your muse now.
And we've got Banjo.
So everything will be perfect.
You just need to be a bit more patient.
- There's something in me, Tina.
- I'll help you squeeze it out.
CHRIS: Choose anything you like, love.
TINA: Anything?
CHRIS: Anything you like,
as long as it's under 10 quid.
How much is that?
- 60 quid.
- No, you can't have that.
I need walking boots, don't I?
Well, we'll get
the walking boots as well.
WOMAN: You want a good tread.
Okay.
- You heard about the man, didn't you?
- No.
He slipped on the crag
and went off the cliff yesterday.
- Did you not hear about that?
- No! Did he hurt himself?
Head smashed like a pumpkin.
That's why I'd never have
stone flooring.
Although I do love
that French farmhouse look.
Yeah, it's terrible, isn't it,
when people don't have respect
for the power of nature?
Can't find his dog.
Well, it probably committed suicide.
Dogs will do that.
Tina, why don't you try these?
Look. Give them a go.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh, Chris.
- Eh? Why not?
(BIRDS SQUAWKING)
TINA: I've got some sad news.
It's about your father.
He's dead.
(WHIMPERING SOFTLY)
Hey. Don't dwell on it.
- How'd it go?
- I had a word.
How'd he take it?
Well, he's all right.
He's a bit shaken but...
- Is he?
- Come on. Come on.
This was a 13th-century ruin
founded by monks. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, maybe I should do
an abbot detective story or something.
What do you think
happened to Ian, Chris?
- Chris?
- Huh?
Chris.
- What do you think happened to Ian?
- What?
(CAMERA CLICKING)
Do you think Banjo
had something to do with it?
Well, yeah, he's probably capable.
He's an animal, isn't he?
Do you think he might have pushed him?
'Cause he was an abused dog.
There might be, uh, blood
on the paws of that dog,
but it's smug complacency
that killed Ian, I tell you that.
Janice looked frigid as well,
didn't she?
(STONE GRINDING)
Chris, look, it's coming out.
(BELL TOLLING)
CHRIS: I'm a monk.
MAN: Well, who's this little chap?
Let's have a look.
Oh, Poppy.
- Oh, you're sweet, aren't you?
- (CHUCKLES)
This is Barney.
Barney, come and say hello.
TINA: Barney.
WOMAN: Come and say hello.
TINA: Say hello to Barney.
- Aw! They love each other. Don't they?
- WOMAN: Well, they're a bit shy.
Yeah, well, often it's like that
when it's love at first sight.
- Isn't it, Chris?
- What?
- It's like you and me when we met.
- MAN: They're not fighting, anyway.
- TINA: Speechless. Yeah, speechless.
- Speechless, yeah.
Look at that graffiti there.
"Rob loves Kerry. "
My husband's researching for his book.
Oh, really?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I am, yeah.
Actually, it's his third.
You've certainly picked
an interesting spot.
WOMAN: Are you staying nearby?
Well, actually we're mobile.
(TINA GRUNTING)
(MOANING)
Oh, God, Chris,
this is just how I imagined it.
(BEEPING)
(WHIMPERING)
(MATTRESS BANGING)
(BEEPING)
(RINGING)
(TINA GRUNTING)
(BEEPS OFF)
(GRUNTING)
(BOTH MOANING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
CHRIS: For Christ's sake!
- Get off!
- What did I do?
Not you. Bloody Banjo.
Poppy!
He's a fuckin' pervert.
Get in there. Get in there.
Go on, Banjo. Get in the bloody car.
Chris?
Come on.
(TINA WHOOPING)
(WHOOPING)
(CHRIS CHUCKLING)
- I can fly!
- Whoa!
I can fly, Chris.
- Whoo!
- Whoo-whoo!
Chris? Which button do I press?
Oh, it's okay, I've done it.
Yeah, Poppy!
Chris, there's quite
a nice one of you here.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Whoo! (CHUCKLES)
Chris, these are a bit saucy,
these ones.
This is not my vagina!
This is not my vagina!
I don't know what you mean.
Janice doesn't look
very frigid to me, Chris!
In fact,
she looks like a very happy girl.
No, that's...
No wonder, when you look at Ian.
That's not Ian. That's me, that.
Were you shagging Janice?
- CHUCKLES: What are you talking about?
- Were you shagging Ian?
- Don't be stupid.
- Were you shagging both of them?
- Ah, come on.
- Are you gay?
- What? You know I'm not gay.
- Why are they at a wedding?
What wedding?
(SOBS) Did you go to a wedding
with Ian and Janice, Chris?
- I didn't.
- Was... (SOBBING)
(SOBBING STOPS)
What's going on here?
I wouldn't look. Don't.
Did you kill Ian?
Yeah. Well, I mean...
Why'd you do that?
I didn't mean to.
It was just an accident.
And that just happened.
Can't do things like that.
It's gonna ruin the holiday.
I just did... I did that for you.
FEMALE NEWSREADER ON TV:
The council had fought an injunction
to remove Mr Andrews
and begun proceedings to evict him.
The house has been condemned,
as it was erected
without proper planning permission.
Police now think that Ian Worthing,
whose body was found at the base
of a Yorkshire crag yesterday,
could have killed himself
because of mounting financial pressures.
- Oh! Buy you a drink?
- Yeah.
- No wife?
- No, no, she's, uh...
she's back at the, uh, caravan tonight.
- Oh?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah, so's Joan.
- Is she? Yeah, yeah.
We both said what a nice couple
we thought you were.
Oh, did you? Oh, that's very nice.
Cheers, yeah.
Yeah, no, I love her. Yeah.
Yeah, we're in love.
Yeah, I love her.
Hi, Chris, it's me. It's... It's Tina.
I'm just, um...
I'm just having fun in the caravan.
Um...
I'm just wondering where you are.
It's very cosy,
and I've made some dinner.
Come back?
Ooh, steady. Are you okay?
Yeah.
Got a bit carried away. (CHUCKLES)
- I'll get the car in the morning.
- Come on. There you go.
- Thanks for bringing him back, Richard.
- Oh, pleasure.
- You take it easy.
- You're a legend, mate.
(CHUCKLES) Good luck with the ley lines.
Yeah. See you, mate.
(CAR DRIVING AWAY)
Oh, I think I've got a ley line
running through my head. (CHUCKLES)
(VOICE BREAKING) I thought you'd gone.
Chris, Poppy's stopping.
Poppy's stopping, Chris.
Yeah, good girl.
Aw! You having a little poo? Well done.
Excuse me.
You are going to pick that up?
Well, I haven't, I've... Chris?
This is a site of natural beauty
and geographical interest.
I think you need to sort that out.
- I didn't do that.
- Uh, you need to pick it up.
- I can't... Well, I can't.
- Why? Why can't you?
Well, I haven't got the proper things
to do it with.
Why didn't you bring the proper things
with you if you're out with your dog?
Well, I did bring the proper things...
(SOBS)
... but I'm not having a very good day.
- CHRIS: Good morning.
- Chris.
- Good morning.
- He's told me I've got to pick that up
- with my fingers.
- Well, a dog does a shit.
You know, you can't do much
about that, mate.
You can pick it up
and you take it away with you.
Well, I would have the bags,
but they're in the bloody car
that you've left, drunk,
outside some pub that we can't...
- We don't even know where the pub is.
- Tina, I know where the car is.
- No, you don't.
- I do. I know where it is.
- We are lost, Chris! Lost!
- I know where it is.
- I know... Look, Tina.
- You don't.
Look, I'm sorry, but if you don't
pick up this excrement immediately,
then I'm gonna have to inform
the National Trust.
Actually, do you know what?
I don't think you are sorry, mate.
I don't think you're sorry, either.
- Did he touch you?
- What?
- Don't know. Wasn't concentrating.
- Have a think.
Can you remember everything?
Uh, yes. Yes, he did touch me.
- Oh... (STAMMERS) This is preposterous!
- What else did he do?
- (SOFTLY) He, urn...
- Details.
(WHISPERING)... tried to put
Poppy's bails in his mouth.
- Did you go to a private school?
- That is totally irrelevant, but yes.
Yeah, I thought so. It's the tone.
It's the entitlement you got...
I'm entitled to walk
in the countryside...
- Yeah, you're superior.
- ... without having to encounter
- dog excrement.
- You're not entitled
- to be a bloody bully, mate...
- Put your stick down, for starters.
- ... bullying my girlfriend.
- Leave the turd where it is.
I will point this stick at you!
They still think
it's their country, don't they?
MAN: It should be for people
that at least respect the countryside.
See how far his A level
in Classics gets him
- when China owns the whole of the UK.
- People like you...
(GRUNTS)
(THUDDING)
NARRATOR: "And did those feet
in ancient time"
"Walk upon England's mountains green"
"And was the holy Lamb of God"
"On England's pleasant pastures seen"
"And did the countenance divine"
"Shine forth upon our clouded hills"
"And was Jerusalem builded here"
"Among these dark satanic... "
(CRUNCHING)
Report that to the National Trust, mate.
You know, 300 years ago
his ancestor would have strode
down a path just like this, you know,
and he'd have seen some common strumpet
like you and he'd have gone,
"I'm gonna have a bit of that. "
And I'd have had to have stood by
and watched him.
'Cause I'd have been a serf and he'd
have been the bloody lord of the manor.
And they call them "the good old days".
TINA: I suppose.
If you look at it that way,
you were defending my honour.
Oh, don't thank me,
thank the democratic process.
Never thought about murdering
innocent people like that before.
Ah, he's not a person, Tina,
he's a Daily Mail reader.
Perspective.
Grab it with both hands, it's free.
See if he's got any sandwiches.
CHRIS: Oh, thank Christ.
(SIGHS) Fucking hell.
I know, get your notebook out.
- Huh?
- Get your notebook out.
Come on, write down your ideas.
Just write down what's happened and
all your feelings and stuff like that.
- Yeah?
- Mmm!
- All right.
- Go on, get it down.
Oh, my God, Chris.
I'm musing.
I'm musing right now. Do you feel it?
My God, I feel amazing.
(SIGHS) Christ, that was hard.
I don't think I'll get
anything more out today.
I think you've found your oeuvre, Chris.
You're not gonna tell, are you?
No.
What are you looking at me
like that for?
This will put 'em off the scent.
(GRUNTING)
Come on, give us a hand.
(BARKING)
Mother Shipton's Cave! (GASPS)
CHRIS: If you could wish for anything,
what would it be?
Well, if I tell you, Chris,
it won't come true.
I just wanna be feared and respected.
It's not too much to ask
from life, is it?
Can't look at that any more.
NEWSREADER ON RADIO: The man found dead
yesterday at the Kimberly Stone Circle
has been identified as Anthony Breal.
Police are treating the death
as suspicious
and are looking for a culprit
that they are describing
as a dangerous sexual predator.
(INAUDIBLE)
(IMITATING ANIMAL SOUND)
Now be good,
because Mummy and Daddy are going out.
What do you think of this?
CHRIS: Ah, that is very nice.
Very nice indeed.
Hey, turn round. Turn round.
Why?
- There you go.
- Ooh!
- What do you think? Eh?
- It's an owl.
It's nice, innit?
Excuse me.
Sorry, mate.
Guys! Dinner in five minutes!
All right, mate?
Not seen one of these before.
It's a prototype.
Yeah, all the things that...
You know, all your practical stuff,
you keep down at the end by your feet.
Do you? Is that where you've got
your toolbox and stuff?
Yeah, yeah, I keep it down there,
like our wind-up torch and that,
- and, uh, my stove.
- Yeah?
Chris!
I'm ready!
...glass fibre epoxy struts,
as used in spacecraft extendable masts.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- I'm Chris, by the way.
- I'm Martin. Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, nice to meet you. Yeah.
- Yeah, you.
- Yeah, I was in plastics.
- Was ya?
Yeah, extrusion blow moulding.
No. Cor, they're given an hard time,
ain't they?
But, here, let's face it,
they're here to stay, mate.
Yeah, preaching to the choir, mate.
Right, yeah, yeah. Nice one. Yeah.
It looks like an alien's coffin.
I call it the Carapod. You know,
what with the ground displacement
of persons due to the instability
of geopolitics,
I'm hoping that this will become a whole
new way of living for economic migrants.
We're trying a whole new way of living.
Aren't we, Chris?
- Oh, are you?
- Tina hasn't travelled much.
Right, right, yeah. I hear you.
Hey, uh, you back later for a beer?
Oh, I don't really drink much but, um,
always up for a bit of smoke,
if you know what I mean.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, great.
- Yeah? Great.
- Nice one.
- Cheers, Martin.
- Cheers. Chris?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Take care.
Right.
(WOMEN CHEERING)
(WHOOPING)
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
One in the pink,
- one on the sink!
- ALL: One on the sink!
- CHRIS: It's crazy, this.
- Thank you.
- Madam.
- (CHUCKLES)
Thank you very much.
Uh, can I just ask you, actually,
I've got this, er...
I've got this voucher
- that I picked up about a week ago.
- Oh, right.
Hey, that dress looks a lot better
on you than it did on your mother.
I haven't got any knickers on.
Oh, dear, it looks like
your knife's fallen off the table.
I'll just have to go and pick it up.
I might be five minutes or so.
Can't see anything.
Well, I'm wearing tights.
You know all that stuff
that's been happening, you know...
It's all right, Chris.
It's all right,
because I understand you.
- And I know you...
- Do you?
...and I get it, 'cause it's just about
personal empowerment, isn't it?
It's just expressing yourself
and thinking outside the box.
And I've been in a box.
I don't wanna go back to the box, Chris.
I'd rather die. Do you know that?
You'd rather die?
Yeah. How romantic would that be?
If we both just died together.
Well, I mean, going to salsa's romantic.
We could maybe try that first.
What you're doing is
you're giving to the world.
Take carbon footprints.
By reducing people's lifespans,
technically,
you're reducing their emissions.
What, so you're saying that...
murder is green?
Hmm, I hadn't thought of it like that.
Thanks.
- This beard turns me on, Chris.
- I love it when you do that.
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
- Ginger-minger!
- (ALL CHEER)
What's the favourite thing I like to do?
Yeah. With me.
- Oh, well, that's obvious, innit?
(CHUCKLING)
- Put the bins out.
- (LAUGHING)
I like to put the bins out... in my pants
and then have you come over
and rub bin juice all over me leg.
(LAUGHING) What's bin juice?
You know, that bit that you get
at the bottom of the bin
- when all that stuff drips out.
- Oh, yeah.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- That was Dave!
- Wasn't his real name...
(CHATTERING CONTINUES LOUDLY)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Don't be sick.
You Okay?
(WOMEN CHEERING AND WHOOPING LOUDLY)
WOMEN: Nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four, three, two, one!
(WOMEN WHOOPING)
(LAUGHING)
(BRIDE-TO-BE SLURS)
Do you wanna have sex with all us?
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
Ooh! (STAMMERING DRUNKENLY)
It's just a bit of fun.
Get off, that's enough. That's enough.
Getting married, are you?
- Yeah.
- Are you?
I am. Aren't we?
(WOMEN CHEER)
What would your fianc
think of this, then, eh?
He'd love it.
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
- I'm gonna go and pay the bill now.
- No, let me pay.
Sit down! Sit!
Stay!
(INDISTINCT)
BRIDE-TO-BE: In a minute!
(# SEASON OF THE WITCH
BY JULIE DRISCOLL)
# When I look over my shoulder
# What do you think I see?
# Some other cat looking over
# His shoulder at me
# And he's strange
# Oh, he's very, very strange
(ALL CHEERING)
# You've gotta pick up every stitch
# You've gotta pick up every stitch
- I like your veil.
WOMEN: Nine, eight, seven, six,
five, four, three, two, one!
# Must be the season of the witch
(SIGHS)
# Must be the season of the witch
(CHEERING LOUDLY)
(WOMEN SQUEALING)
I'd never do that.
Do what?
Chailey!
Chailey Morris!
Chailey!
- Chailey!
- Chailey!
She's not texting back.
- Chailey!
- Chailey!
(HEAVY BREATHING)
(SHALLOW PANTING)
(SQUEALS)
(MOANING)
(TEARING)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREAMING)
(HISSING)
(GASPS)
(GROANS)
Oh, for Christ's sake, Banjo,
you've pissed the bed.
- (SLEEPILY) Poppy.
- Disgusting.
Where's that necklace?
I'm sure I had it
when we got back from the restaurant.
Well, that's what happens
when you go off schedule.
Chris, are we going
to the Pencil Museum now?
Actually, I told Martin
I'd help with modifications
to the Carapod this morning.
But we scheduled the Pencil Museum.
Well, it's my turn to go off schedule.
Fine.
Come on, Poppy.
Come on. Come on, Poppy.
(GRUFFLY) Come on, Poppy.
Poppy! Poppy! Poppy!
(GRUNTING) Come on. Come on, Poppy.
(GROWLING)
Well, fuck you, then.
How long have you two
been together, then?
Uh, about three months.
Still getting on all right?
Yeah. (EXHALES)
Sex life's fucking fantastic, mate.
- Is it?
- Better than ever.
- Fair play, mate.
- Yeah.
She don't mind you smoking a bit
of the old herb every now and again?
No, she don't care about that.
She doesn't like me drinking
and she doesn't like me doing her
up the bumhole.
FEMALE NARRATOR ON PA: Legend has it
that in the early 1500s,
a violent storm
in the Borrowdale area of Cumberland
led to trees being uprooted
and the discovery
of a strange black material underneath.
This material turned out to be graphite.
A cottage industry of pencil-making
soon developed,
culminating in the formation of
the UK's first pencil factory in 1832.
The factory has had various owners...
And then like this, sort of disco style.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Excuse me. How much is that big pencil?
24.
Go. Fast as you can.
- Oh, mate. You all right?
- (COUGHING)
- Oh, bloody hell.
- Bloody hell, mate.
CHRIS: Banjo.
- Banjo. Banjo, get away.
- Ugh!
Go!
NARRATOR:... becoming
the Cumberland Pencil Company in 1916.
The Lakeland children's range
was launched in 1930,
followed by the Derwent brand
of fine art pencils in...
How did you decide on the size of this
when you were originally...
Oh, from a P&O ferry.
(CHUCKLING)
NARRATOR:... canteen building,
and advertisements were placed
in newspapers,
seeking artefacts and memorabilia.
The famous Pencil Museum...
(PHONE RINGING)
(SOBBING) Mum.
Is that you, Tina?
Oh, Mum.
- Has it gone wrong?
- No.
Yes.
Yeah, a bit, sort of.
Shall I come? No, I can't. I'm too ill.
I don't know what he wants.
Oh, they're all the same.
Whatever you give him,
he'll want the opposite.
(SNIFFLES) I've done things.
Ooh, Tina. What?
What have you done, love?
(WHIMPERS)
Sex things?
And other stuff.
Because I thought that was what
he wanted to see me do, you know?
But now I'm not sure.
You didn't let him see you do
number twos, did you, Tina?
Never.
Mystery, Tina, is a woman's sanctuary.
(CURTLY) Bye, now,
'cause I've got stuff to do.
Mum.
(WHISPERING)
Poppy's with the babysitter.
Don't call him that.
Make love to me, Chris.
No, I can't. I'm still processing.
Please.
That poor girl. She was getting married.
Just the thought of that
just makes me feel...
Sexy.
Ruined that restaurant for me.
I've been very bad, Chris.
I think you should punish me.
With your cock.
Tina. It's not sexy. It was wrong.
You're not qualified.
Fine!
(PANTING ANGRILY)
What are you doing?
Finishing what you started.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
MAN ON RADIO:... have been
at their highest for a decade.
There have been grim warnings that the
country could return to the dark days...
(WOOD CREAKING)
(CLATTERING)
Oh, what the fuck?
Pull over!
(SIGHS) Fucking hell.
(MOBILE RINGING)
- (CHEERILY) Morning, Chris.
- Pull over now!
- Oh.
- What the hell are you doing?
I thought I'd give you a lie-in.
A lie-in? Pull over now!
- Fine.
- (TYRES SCREECHING)
Oh, Christ.
Aw. It reminds me
of the first day of the holiday.
No, that was an accident.
I feel a bit emotional,
'cause, you know,
it's the first one we've done together,
isn't it?
- Ah, you're sacked.
- What?
- You're sacked.
- What?
Look... (CHUCKLES)
... this isn't working.
Look, I don't... I don't need you.
I don't need a muse.
I'm not a bloody writer, am I?
No, you're not. You're a serial killer.
- That's what you are.
- I am not. Look, Tina,
I need structure. Organisation.
This is just chaos.
(STAMMERING) It's not my style!
Just... All this...
Oh, I can't open the fucking door now!
(GROANS)
You did this to me. (GRUNTING) God!
TINA: You done it to yourself.
- I need justification.
- Really?
- This is just murder.
- Well, maybe this is my style, Chris.
- Yeah, great style.
- Maybe this is my style.
You are really bloody stylish,
aren't you?
- I know.
- Look at that! That's your style?
Look, it's nothing personal.
It's just,
you're a negative influence on me.
Do you know that?
I've done more murders
in the last fucking three days
than in the entire six months
since I got made redundant.
- Redundant?
- Yes.
You said you'd taken a sabbatical.
It doesn't matter.
You can't help it, you're evil.
Maybe even a witch.
Yeah, you're a witch.
You're a bloody witch.
I don't think anyone
will be able to see him.
FEMALE NEWSREADER ON RADIO: The tragic
death of bride-to-be Chailey Morris
on Tuesday is now considered
not to be an accident.
The police announced today
that they're pursuing
a ginger-faced man and an angry woman
in connection with inquiries.
It's not yet known
how the incident happened.
There she blows.
Journey's end.
(HAWK SCREECHES)
CHRIS: Is that a hawk?
(WIND HOWLING)
CHRIS: Wonder where Martin is.
Should be here by now.
Wonder where Poppy is.
I hope he can find us here.
Who, Poppy?
- No, Martin.
- Oh.
Hey.
Hey!
MARTIN: Whoa-ho-ho!
Picked a spectacular spot, mate!
Yeah, bit off the beaten track, innit?
(CHUCKLES)
- All right, mate?
- Yeah, I'm great, yeah.
All right, love?
Yeah. Good.
Hello, boy.
- Poppy! There you are!
- Hello.
Oh, Poppy. It's Mummy. Eh?
Come on, let's get you in the warm.
- Cheers. Cheers, yeah.
- Cheers.
- Cheers, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Glad you made it, mate.
Yeah, well, it's lovely
to be here, mate.
You know, with a sort of marketing
strategy and a good production schedule,
I think we could
make it work, yeah. Yeah.
Actually, I was thinking
of going to see this guy in Spain.
He's got, um, some amazing ideas
about combi-power inverters.
- I mean, you must know about them.
- Yeah. Oh, right, cool, yeah.
Well, here's to Carapod International.
Eh? Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Tina? Carapod International.
- Brilliant.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm going for a piss.
Yeah, yeah, fine.
It's, uh...
Sorry, it's a bit squished in here.
Sorry. Um, just... (SNORTS)
Yeah, he's a lovely bloke, isn't he?
Oh, honestly, I'm so happy
I bumped into you guys.
You know, I really need
a business partner, you know,
'cause I come up with the ideas
but I'm not good
at the organisational end of things.
So, you know, and, uh, I really bonded
with little Banjo over here.
Who?
That's his name, isn't it?
It's just that Chris said it was...
Did he?
(STAMMERING NERVOUSLY)
So did I get that wrong?
Do you know what it's like
to be a woman, Martin?
(CHUCKLES) Uh, no. No.
I do.
Fine.
It's not too bad, actually.
Yeah, I imagine, yeah, yeah.
He can be very controlling.
- Really? Right. I...
- Very domineering.
- Well, he's... Yeah.
- But you're not like that, are you?
No, no. Me, I'm a pretty
easy-going guy really, yeah.
Haven't you got lovely eyelashes?
- Have I?
- Mmm.
- Thanks very much. Yeah.
- (WHISPERING) Kiss me.
Martin, did you hear me?
- Kiss me, Martin.
- Um...
Just quickly before he comes back.
- All right, mate?
- All right?
- What?
- Cheers.
- Cheers, yeah.
- Cheers. Here's to you.
What?
Martin just said
some filthy things to me, Chris.
Yeah? Well, do tell. (CHUCKLES)
He said I was a dirty, slutty bitch.
And he wanted to fuck me.
And he said he wanted to shit
in my mouth and in my underwear,
and he said he wanted to shit in my hand
and make me use it as a brown lipstick.
(STAMMERING) Mate, I... I...
You know,
if Martin really said these things,
then I've got no objection, in theory.
- In theory?
- Yeah.
What about practice, Chris?
- Right. Um...
- Chris.
Um, I'm gonna go to bed now, all right?
I'm... (EXHALES)
Yeah, it's probably best,
actually, mate. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's been a long day.
Yeah, yeah, so I'll just...
Yeah, I think we're probably
gonna turn in, too. So...
Yeah, can I just...
Yeah, can I just, uh...
Will you let Martin out, please?
Right, cheers then, yeah.
See you in the morning.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Why are you behaving
like that in front of Martin?!
Why can't I have a friend?
You've got that bloody dog, Banjo!
- Poppy!
- It's called Banjo!
- (SQUEALING) Poppy!
- Banjo!
Just stop saying that
in front of the dog.
You're giving him an identity crisis.
How is he gonna have an identity crisis,
Chris, when he's a stupid fucking dog?
(WHIMPERS)
MARTIN: Hello? Hello? Hey!
(WHEELS CLATTERING)
Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
(SCREAMING)
(EXHALES)
Well, that solves that problem.
Oh, fuckin' God, no.
No!
Martin?
Martin?
Martin!
You are a fucking liability, you are.
You're a liability.
You're just like your mother.
You can't... Ow, fucking hell.
(SHRIEKING)
(GRUNTING)
(KISSING)
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
- Oh, you are a powder keg.
- (BREATHING HEAVILY)
(# THE POWER OF LOVE BY
FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD)
# Feels likes fire
# I'm so in love with you
# Dreams are like angels
# They keep bad at bay
Bad at bay
# Love is the light
scaring darkness away
# Yeah
# I'm so in love with you
# Purge the soul
# Make love your goal
# The power of love
# A force from above
# Cleaning my soul
# Flame on burn desire
# Love with tongues of fire
# Purge the soul
# Make love your goal
# I'll protect you from the Hooded Claw
# Keep the vampires from your door
# When the chips are down
(BOTH HOWLING)
(BANJO BARKING)
# I'll be around with my undying
# Death-defying love for you
(ECHOING)
# Envy will hurt itself
# Let yourself be beautiful
# Sparkling love flowers
and pearls and pretty girls
# Love is like an energy
# Rushing in, rushing inside of me
# Hey.
# The power of love
# A force from above
# Cleaning my soul...
So have you had a nice holiday?
(PANTING) Yeah.
I've had a brilliant holiday.
I'm sorry about
calling you a witch and that.
What do you reckon?
You sure this is what you want?
(PANTING)
- Three...
- (TINA GASPS)
- ...two...
- Two...
- ...one.
- ...one.
Go.
(BREATHING TREMULOUSLY)
(# TAINTED LOVE BY GLORIA JONES)