1
Who can name all the apostles?
Yes, Deloris?
John, Paul, George,
and Ringo.
Deloris Wilson, you are the most unruly,
disobedient girl in this school.
Now, I want you to march right up
to that blackboard
and write the names
of all the apostles alphabetically.
This is enough!
You are hopeless
and I wash my hands of you.
Mark my words, Deloris.
If you continue on this disruptive track,
it will lead straight to the devil.
Have you any idea
what girls like you become?
All right, wrap this up, okay?
Wrap it up.
Go!
Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.
You don't give a shit!
Let's get the hell out of here.
So I guess eating
is out of the question, huh?
Your next show is in 20 minutes.
You still haven't told me what she said.
What who said?
"What who said." The one with
the moustache. The one you're married to.
- You are so damn hot.
- And you are so full of it.
You didn't tell her, did you? I knew it.
I knew you weren't gonna tell her. I knew it.
I want us to be together, babe.
I want us to be an honest
and decent couple.
I do.
I went to confession today.
You went to confession?
Like "confession" confession?
You know, where you kneel in the box,
you tell the priest your deepest secrets.
I did that today for us, babe.
I told Father Antonelli I was in love
and that it was a special love.
A love for all the ages
and that I want to be with her.
And what did he say?
He said that f I got divorced,
I'd burn in hell for all eternity.
- Hand me my loafers, darling.
- No, you can get your own damn shoes.
So, what does this mean?
Is this no? Does this mean no?
- What does it mean?
- No, not no. Just not now!
Just get out, okay? Just go.
You want me to go against a priest?
Get excommunicated?
Okay.
I'll eat the thing you made.
- Is that what this is about?
- No, that's not what it's about.
It's about you leaving.
Good night. Good night.
I'll call.
You're quitting just because
he won't leave his wife?
No, not just because
he won't leave his wife.
I'm quitting for a lot of reasons.
It's something I have to do.
- What's gonna happen to the act?
- What do you mean?
You're gonna get somebody else.
It's not a big loss.
You put everything together.
You pick all the music,
you tell us where to stand and everything.
Yeah, yeah, I'm a real genius.
That's why we're packing them in.
And don't you pack any more
of my makeup in that bag.
Don't think I don't know
what you're doing.
What do you want?
And don't you ever knock?
Hey, girl, you ain't got nothing
that I haven't seen before, all right?
Yeah, well, stop trying to memorise it.
- Hey, Michelle.
- Oh, please.
Hey, Deloris, here, This is from Vince.
Hope it's his dead body.
- With love.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Then why didn't he bring it to me himself?
Oh, he wanted to,
but he's got a big meeting upstairs.
- Hey, Tina.
- Hi.
Could you say goodnight
to these clowns, please?
I'm getting a headache.
I don't want them in here. Get out.
- Let's go.
- All right, I'm going.
Take it easy.
Well, at least you got something
out of all this.
- Come on, Deloris, open this up.
- Yes.
Why should I open this? I don't give
a damn what's in that box. I don't care.
- See what he bought.
- I wanna see.
- Why? Why?
- I wanna see.
Fine, okay?
Let's look and see what it is, then.
- Oh, look at this. It's mink.
- Oh, check it out.
It's purple mink, Deloris.
Oh, that's beautiful. Look. Feel.
Well, obviously,
Mr. LaRocca feels he can win me back
by sending me this absolutely
fabulous coat.
- Put it on!
- It's beautiful.
See, some girls would fall for that,
but not me.
I think I'm gonna make him wait a little
while before I just let him know that I...
What?
Connie LaRocca.
It's his wife's coat.
The man gave me his wife's coat.
Oh, I don't believe this.
Put it back on.
It's yours now. You deserve it.
No, I don't deserve it.
I haven't earned it.
You don't earn other people's
wives' fur coats, okay?
I think it's time to just go upstairs
and give it back to him
and get the hell out of this dump.
How long you been with me, Ernie?
Three years, Mr. LaRocca.
Two as a croupier,
one as your personal limo driver.
Ernie, you know what's important to me?
What counts?
Loyalty, my man.
Loyalty is what counts to me.
- I've been very loyal, Mr. LaRocca.
- Gee, Ernie, that's not what I hear.
I hear you went down
to the police station last night
and talked with Lieutenant Souther.
I hear you were there
for over three hours.
I went.
I went, but I didn't tell him anything.
Again not what I heard.
Goodbye, Vince.
I'm leaving and don't try to stop me.
I'm going to L.A.
where it's nice and warm.
People don't need fur coats
from their boyfriends' wives' closet.
Goodbye, Vince. I'm going to Miami
where the sun shines.
I know they're trying
to get something on me, Ernie,
but so far
they've come up with bubkas.
They called Willy and Joey in there,
but they were out in 20 minutes.
What were you doing there
for three hours, Ernie?
I know you don't think I have any talent,
Vince, but I do.
And I'm gonna leave you
and I'm going to Chicago.
Tell me what you told Souther.
I won't be able to sleep tonight
if I don't know.
I've always wanted to go to New York.
I know if I went to New York,
I could get some things together, Vince.
I could. I could.
I could.
That's all I told them, I swear it.
Thanks, Ernie. Now I can sleep.
Say goodnight, Ernie.
No, no, no, that's--
Babe.
Deloris. Deloris. Is there a problem?
With the coat?
With the--? No, not with the coat.
The coat's fine.
It's fine. It's fine, thank you.
Is that why you came here tonight?
To thank me?
Yeah. Thank you.
And to say you're sorry.
About tonight and the things you said.
Forgotten. Completely.
You understand me?
Forgotten.
Of course. Of course, it's forgotten.
That's my girl. My girl in mink.
- Will you be home soon?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Go ahead.
- Okay.
Hey, Vince, is she okay?
I don't know, Vince.
She seemed kind of upset.
- She did?
- Yeah.
Bring her back now for a talk.
And if she runs, then what?
Take care of it.
Deloris!
Deloris, Vinny wants to talk!
- Which way?
- That way.
Hey, hey, taxi!
Hey, hey, hey.
Let's go, let's go, let's go. Go, go, go!
And then Vince looks at Ernie
and says, "Say good night."
And then Vince looks at Joey
and Joey shot him.
I mean, he just shot him in the chair.
Just boom! He blew this guy away.
Sorry I'm late. I'm Lieutenant Souther.
Eddie Souther.
How do you do?
I'm Deloris Van Cartier.
Listen, this guy was a simple limo driver.
Right? He was a limo driver.
So maybe he made a couple wrong turns
in his life. That's no reason to kill him.
I've never seen anybody killed before.
Sometimes you pass on the freeway,
you see a couple of people dead--
Ms. Van Cartier,
you're Vince LaRocca's girlfriend, right?
Well, you could sort of--
Maybe. It depends how you look at it.
The guy just tried to kill me, so
I don't think that cements our relationship.
Well, you realise
he's a major underworld figure, don't you?
He's into drug-dealing,
money-laundering.
We've been investigating Mr. LaRocca
for the last 18 months.
We've got video tapes,
we've got surveillance photos.
Am I in any of those videos?
No, no, no. Criminal activity.
The tapes aren't enough to convict him.
Apparently there's a lot
you don't know about Vince.
I mean, the last two people that saw him
in action kind of disappeared.
What do you mean,
"kind of disappeared"?
Well, we found a piece here
and a piece there.
But don't you worry.
Here, have a cup of coffee.
You're safe now and we're gonna see
that you stay that way. That's our job.
If you help us, we can help you.
If you testify against Vince
about what you saw,
we can put him away
for the rest of his life.
Are you crazy? You're telling me this guy's
a mad criminal and you want me to testify?
Do you know what's gonna happen?
- He'll track me down and kill me.
- Can I call you Deloris?
Call me anything
as long as you keep me alive.
We wouldn't put you at risk
if we couldn't protect you.
- Right.
- It'll only take a couple of months
to get a court date.
Just a couple of months?
Only a couple--?
Why not a year?
How about a couple of decades?
Two months. We hide you out,
then you testify.
No, no, no.
It's just for a little while.
Then you can come back.
Really? What are you gonna do?
Are you gonna stick me in a bag
and bury me? Forget it!
If you testify,
I'm gonna put you in the last place on earth
that Vince would ever look for you.
- Nice church, huh?
- Yeah, it's very nice.
Look, what am I gonna be,
Quasimodo in the bat belfry? What is this?
- I want you to stay here for a while.
- Where?
In the convent.
It's the safest place in the world.
You think Vince is gonna look for you
in a convent?
- In the what?
- The convent.
You must be out your-- I'm gonna go back
and work this out with Vince.
You're a lunatic. Put me in a damn
convent with these people.
These people don't even have sex!
Deloris, Vince has a contract
out on you for 1 00 grand.
You've seen what he can do.
That one bullet, that's all it's gonna take.
Look, let me explain something to you.
Vince knows people all over the place.
You realise that?
- He'll be looking for me everywhere.
- Everywhere but this convent!
- Oh, come on.
- Nobody knows you're here but me.
We're trying to get you a quick court date.
One month, two months tops.
I promise I'm gonna spring you
as fast as I can.
What am I gonna do here?
I'm gonna go crazy here.
There's nothing here but a lot
of white women dressed as nuns.
What am I gonna do here?
Pray.
Pray?
Yes, but, monsignor,
we are a small convent.
Surely there are more
appropriate places.
We can save this young woman's life
and imprison a parasite, all in one gesture.
My heart goes out to her, of course.
My concern would be
she might subject the convent to danger.
The Reno Police Department assures me
you'll be protected from any harm.
They've promised
to make a generous financial donation.
And as you know,
your small convent is in danger of closing.
Well, if they can afford
to be so generous, so can we.
Excuse me.
Absolutely not. I couldn't possibly!
Think of it this way, reverend mother.
She's an ideal prospect for rehabilitation.
That is not a person you can hide.
That is a conspicuous person
designed to stick out.
You have taken a vow of hospitality
to all in need.
I lied.
Lieutenant Souther,
everything is in order.
No, no, no, everything is not in order.
This woman does not like me.
Deloris, these are holy people.
They like everybody.
- This woman doesn't like me!
- One month, two months, tops.
No, forget it. I'm not staying here!
- Behave yourself.
- I'm not gonna stay here!
What is your name?
Deloris Van Cartier.
Is that your real name?
Yes. I happen to be a singer.
- Do sit down.
- Thank you.
Look, before we get started,
I just want to say that I really appreciate
what you're doing for me.
I know it must be
a huge inconvenience for you.
Yeah, so I just wanted
to say thank you upfront.
I also have always--
And I've said this to people.
I've always admired you people.
Nuns, I mean. You know.
You're so Catholic. You know?
I mean, look, you're married to the big JC.
I mean, you're his old lady, you know?
It's an amazing thing to me.
I mean, of course you must be saying,
"Well, it's much better than being
hooked up with some kind of two-timing--"
Please, do not smoke in here.
Oh, sorry, sorry. You know,
I get so nervous, I get worked up.
I just have-- I don't know. I'm sorry.
Look, Ms. Van Cartier, we have agreed
to conceal and protect you,
which we will do
to the best of our ability.
However it is essential
that you understand
that you are not in a sorority
or a speakeasy.
This is a convent. A religious order.
And there are certain rules
you must obey.
Saint Katherine's is a place
to commune and to pray.
And I will not tolerate any disruption
whatsoever with that communion.
Do you understand?
- Yes.
- Good.
But do you understand
I'm the victim here?
Do you understand I'm the good guy?
I mean, they just kind of threw me
in here with you nuns.
I mean, do you get that?
I'm the good guy.
I mean,
I saw a guy get his face blown off!
So why don't you just give me the key
to my room? I'll lay low.
You stay out of my face,
I'll stay out of your face.
And I will commune my little black ass
in that room.
Can you handle that?
- I think it's a very good idea.
- Thank you.
Well, it's almost lunchtime.
Perhaps you'd like to freshen up.
And you'll certainly want to change.
Hope you don't think
I'll wear what I wore in Catholic school.
No, siree.
No ugly green jumpers for me.
And those stupid clunky shoes.
Oh, this gold thing,
could you have it dry-cleaned for me?
Open the cabinet to your left.
You will find suitable attire.
Oh, cool.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
I can't do this. I'm sorry.
This is fine for covering a little bulge,
but now I've got holster hips.
People wish to kill you.
Anyone who's met you, I imagine.
A disguise is necessary
to protect us all.
While you are here,
you will conduct yourself as a nun.
Only I will know
who and what you truly are.
You will draw no attention
to yourself whatsoever.
But look at me! I'm a nun!
I'm a penguin!
As from now and until you leave,
you are Sister Mary Clarence.
Mary Clarence like Clarence Williams III
from The Mod Squad?
Mary is in deference to our Holy Mother.
The Clarence is in honour
of Saint Clarence of Concordia.
There are three vows
every nun must accept.
The vow of poverty, the vow of obedience,
and the vow of chastity.
I am out of here with that.
Oh, man.
Good afternoon, sisters.
I apologise for my tardiness.
I would like you to welcome a new member
to our house. Sister Mary Clarence.
Mary Clarence comes to us
from a somewhat progressive convent.
However she's eager
to embrace a more disciplined life
and I am sure will make every effort
to conform to our ways.
I'll do my best.
- Would you like to be seated?
- Thank you.
Yes, Mary Patrick?
Reverend mother, on behalf of
all of the sisters here at Saint Katherine's,
I'd like to offer a great, big "hi there
and hello" to Sister Mary Clarence. Hi.
And as part of the welcome,
I thought that maybe our new sister
could offer today's blessing.
That is very thoughtful of you,
Mary Patrick, but I really--
Oh, yeah, yeah, I could do that. Sure.
Bless us, O Lord, for these thy gifts
which we are about to receive.
And, yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of no food,
I will fear no hunger.
We want you to give us this day
our daily bread
and to the republic for which it stands
and by the power invested in me,
I pronounce us ready to eat. Amen.
Amen.
Be seated.
Thank you.
What are you people?
This stuff is terrible! It tastes like sh--
Sisters, we shall spend
the rest of the day in silence.
Why?
Only when our lips are silent
may our prayers truly be answered.
Then you don't have to eat this food.
Silence begins now
and ends at sundown.
How can you eat this stuff? It's terrible.
Mary Clarence,
I think you might enjoy a ritual fast.
A ritual fa--?
No, no, no, I don't think I would.
I'll just put a little salt on it. It'll be fine.
Look. Pass me the salt over there.
A fast. To remind you of those
who must endure without food.
No, I don't want you to take my plate.
And silence.
How can you let them grill me
for six hours?
I can't control
how long they question you.
- Did you go to law school?
- Yes, I went to law school.
- Did you graduate?
- I'm a lawyer. Of course I graduated!
Hey, Vince.
Nice talking to you. See you in court.
You got nothing on me, Souther.
If you don't stop harassing me, I'm gonna--
What? You're gonna what?
Nothing, nothing, lieutenant.
What my client is trying to say--
Is that he's scared.
And you know what?
He should be. Real scared.
See you around, boys.
Something's going on.
He's so damn cocky.
He's bluffing, Vince.
Don't worry about it.
You find Deloris?
She's gone. We don't know where she is.
She hasn't been back to her place all day.
He's got Deloris.
We gotta get her back.
Fax her 8-by-10 to every contact we got.
- I can't hear this.
- Deloris Van Cartier.
Quarter of a mil, dead or alive.
This is your cell, Mary Clarence.
- My what?
- Your cell. Your room.
Oh, man.
No wonder you waited till now
to spring this on me.
It's like a nightmare.
Where's the rest of the furniture?
Our lives are simple. We have little need
for material possessions.
This is out of the Stone Age.
Where's the phone?
Who would you call?
I don't know. Satan?
Your cell is more than adequate.
Fine. What do we do now?
Pray? What?
It's 9:00. Pleasant dreams.
Wait! Are you telling me
we go to bed by 9?
If I were you, I would use this time
to think about my life and its direction.
Or lack thereof.
There's nothing wrong with my life.
Before I came here,
I had a career, I had friends.
I had clothing that fit.
Before I came here, I was okay.
Oh, really?
From what I've heard, your singing career
was almost nonexistent.
And your married lover wants you dead.
If you're fooling anyone,
it is only yourself.
God has brought you here.
Take the hint.
Mary Clarence?
What?
Up and at them.
We don't want to be late.
What time is it?
Well, it's almost 5, Sister Sleepyhead.
Five a.m.?
Get out of here. I just went to bed
20 minutes ago. Scram.
Come on, the sun is shining.
It's a beautiful day.
We are a small congregation
this morning.
Too many mornings.
Something has gone terribly wrong.
Where is faith? Where is celebration?
Where is everyone?
Still, rather than regret
the absence of our neighbours,
let us rejoice in the fellowship
of those present.
Our choir mistress,
Sister Mary Lazarus,
has informed me that our choir,
while always superior,
has been toiling especially hard
on this week's selection.
Sister.
There was a raid on a pawn shop
in L.A. this morning.
Place was fencing stolen property.
They found this.
Database hoods.
What a wonderful world, huh?
"Beloved daughter missing.
Reward of $250,000.
Please, find our adored angel.
We miss her so. Dead or alive."
Vince is getting desperate.
So where'd you stash her, Eddie?
Where did I stash who?
You're not even gonna tell us?
I wouldn't even tell the pope.
I'm not gonna get this.
This is a little too complicated for me.
Don't you worry, you'll get the hang of it.
I'll help you.
Thank you.
Are you always this cheerful?
Am I?
All right, I am. I know it.
I can't help it. I've always been upbeat.
Optimistic, perky.
Even as a child, my mother used to say,
"That girl is pure sunshine.
She'll either grow up to be a nun
or a stewardess."
Coffee?
- Enough about me. What about you?
- Yes, what convent did you come from?
I came from the convent
of the Sisters of the Moonlite in Reno.
Oh, I love Reno.
- You do?
- Yes.
Well, you would have loved us.
We were a kind of pioneering order.
You know, we'd never wear any kind of
habit this tight, though. This is really tight.
Oh, I must say, our habits
do cut you at the neck just a bit.
Hear, hear!
That's enough jabber.
Vanity. A progressive convent?
Sounds awful.
I liked my convent in Vancouver.
Out in the woods. Wasn't all modern
like some of these newfangled convents.
We didn't have electricity.
Cold water, bare feet. Those were nuns.
Sounds wonderful.
It was hell on earth. I loved it.
This place is a Hilton.
Sister Mary Clarence,
when did you get your call?
What call?
Oh, the call, the call!
I didn't know which call you meant.
I was working in Reno
when I got the call.
And you don't know how hard it is
to get a call until you've worked in Reno.
We ministered to
a lot of different kinds of people.
Newlyweds, hookers, gamblers.
What a joy. How fulfilling to be able
to get right in there with your hands
and work with the people.
- And Reno. It's probably bursting with sin.
- It was. That's why I had to leave.
I mean, we had a hooker living next door
called Buckwheat Bertha who would--
Sister Mary Clarence,
could I have a word with you?
- Who, me?
- Yes, you.
Yeah. Excuse me.
Get on with your work.
- Quickly, please.
- I was just talking to them.
Precisely. Enough chatter. Chores.
Yeah, I need to talk to Eddie Souther.
Yeah, it's an emergency.
- Souther.
- Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
You gotta get me out of here.
Deloris, you can't call me here.
Somebody's gonna catch on
to where you are.
But I'm going insane here.
All these people do is work and pray.
Work and pray. That's all they do.
Calm down. Look, I didn't want to
tell you this, we got some problems here.
What kind of problems?
What do you mean, problems?
Keeping our witnesses alive.
There's a leak in the department
and some of them end up dead.
- What?!
- Just sit tight.
You don't seem to understand
what I'm saying.
I am in a nightmare. This is my nightmare.
It's a nightmare, man. Get me out of here.
I mean it. Don't call me.
It's not safe. I'll be in touch.
Hello? Hello?
Yeah?
I brought you something.
My brother gave it to me
when I was a little girl.
I could never seem to get up on time.
I set it for 5.
Out of bed, you daisy head.
Out of bed, you daisy head.
It always made me laugh.
Out of bed, you daisy head.
I thought being away
from your convent
that even someone like you
could get lonely.
Have a seat.
- So which one are you?
- Mary Robert.
You have a little trouble getting up
at 5:00 too, Mary Robert?
Oh, not now. I get up a half an hour early
just to make sure.
It's not just the mornings.
It's that, all my life,
everybody seems to be doing
or catching on to things
a second faster or better than me.
Yeah, well, everybody's
playing catch-up nowadays.
So, Mary Robert.
Did you always want to be a nun?
I always knew that was my calling,
to lead a life of service, but, you see,
I've always felt that there's something
inside me that I want to give.
Something that's only me
and nobody else.
Does that sound like a terrible thing?
Like pride?
No, doesn't sound
like a terrible thing at all.
I'm so happy that you've come
to join us, Mary Clarence.
You know how sometimes it's as if
you have to be yourself or you'll just burst?
Yep, I do.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Mary Robert.
Out of bed, you daisy head.
Out of bed, you daisy head.
- Hey, wait up.
- Hey.
Nice tattoo.
Hey, sister.
This jukebox got anything on it
from The Sound Of Music?
- Wanna dance, sister?
- Why? You don't have any rhythm.
Young man,
take your foot down off that stool.
Now have a seat. Have a seat.
May I have a Coke, please?
What are you doing in here?
What are you guys doing here?
Look, you have to go. You have to go.
Oh, never mind. Go, go.
Just go that way. Just go that way.
Sister, expecting any more
of your friends?
Now, you guys wanna tell me
what you're doing here?
I thought that you might be
ministering to the winos,
the way that you did in your convent
in Reno, and I thought I could help.
And I saw her leave and it was very late,
so I followed.
What are you doing here?
I'm here to see a man
about a car for the convent.
- Really?
- Did you get it?
No, I didn't. And I'm gonna get you
out of here. Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, a jukebox! Oh, one song.
- Do you have a quarter?
- No, no, no.
Come on, he does, all right.
It'll come back to you tenfold. Thanks.
Hurry up. Hurry up.
I love this song.
One dance. I'll be right back.
Come on, come on, come on.
- No!
- Yes, yes, yes. Good night.
- Come on. Let's go, go.
- I love this song.
We had a lovely time. We'll be back.
- Yes, we will. Good night.
- Thank you. Bless you.
This turns into a nuns' bar,
I'm out of here.
- I can't breathe.
- Just come on, come on.
Stop the giggling. Let's go.
The sisters have made clear to me
that they followed you of their own volition.
But they would never have ventured out
at all at night
had it not been for your example.
Listen, they just don't want to be stuck
behind these walls all the time.
These walls are the only
protection they have.
The streets are no longer safe for them.
And they are certainly not safe for you.
These robes no longer protect our sisters.
The walls do.
I'm sorry.
You really do care about them,
don't you?
Yes, I do.
And I care about you and your life.
I shall ask Monsignor O'Hara
and Lieutenant Souther
to find a safer and more suitable
situation for you.
Oh, no, come on.
Don't send me away. Really.
I'm just starting to get the hang of this.
I mean, look, I'm not gonna endanger
anyone or anything else, I swear.
What about forgiveness?
lsn't that what you preach?
There's gotta be something around here
that I can do
that's not gonna chip my nails
or annoy anybody.
You're right, Mary Clarence.
To err is human, to forgive divine.
You may stay.
But I shall restrict your activities
to a single task.
What's that?
Singing. You will join the choir.
Choir? No.
You will sleep and you will sing.
That will be your task until you leave.
No. The choir?
I mean, have you heard them?
The choir, Mary Clarence.
Is this the choir rehearsal?
Sure is. Come in and sing a spell.
- Soprano or alto?
- Whatever.
Thanks.
- Hi there.
- Hello, sister.
Crown him with many crowns
The lamb upon his throne
All kingdoms of the--
Mary Clarence, are you with us?
I don't know this one.
I'd better sit this one out. Excuse me.
Reverend Mother says Mary Clarence
has a background in music.
Really, Mary Clarence?
Were you a choir mistress?
- Sort of freelance.
- Freelance? Really?
You don't think I see? You think I took
vows yesterday? I know what you're up to.
- You and Reverend Mother.
- What?
You're a ringer. She brought you here
to replace me. Out with the old.
Oh, could you help us, Mary Clarence?
Mary Lazarus, you're terrific,
but we could really use some help.
- Please, you've heard us.
- We're terrible.
Please, would you do something for us,
please?
Well, there's a word for this. Mutiny.
So, Mary Clarence,
you think you can do better?
I believe I'd like to see that.
Go ahead, sister. Make them sing.
Okay.
Where are the basses?
Oh, you should be over here.
And the altos? Where are you?
Sister, why don't you join them?
And, sopranos, where are you?
Oh, you've got to come down this way.
All right.
Basses, I want you to give me a D.
Altos, I want you to do a third above that.
Give me an F sharp.
And sopranos, give me an A.
Let me have Sister Alma
play it one time
so we all know what we're going to do
and we'll go from there.
Sister, will you give me
those notes, please?
Okay? On three. One, two, three.
Okay, okay, okay.
Very, very nice.
Sister, would you come
over here, please?
Just slide right in here for me, please.
Right here.
- That's a powerful instrument you have.
- Thank you.
But I think it's probably a good idea
if we bring you down out of the rafters.
I mean, everybody wants
to be close to God.
I'm just not sure you can do it vocally.
Okay? So I need you to sing an octave
below where you've been singing.
Okey-dokey.
And Sister Mary Robert,
could you come stand over here, please?
Yeah, come on over.
I noticed that you're moving your mouth,
but nothing's coming out.
So I'd like to just hear you by yourself,
if you don't mind.
Sister Alma,
could you give me an A, please?
Alma.
Check your battery.
Give me an A, please.
Okay. Wait.
Try this. Close your eyes.
Visualise yourself
in a room full of people.
Lots of silverware, people dropping stuff,
talking loud, drunks.
Women with trays going,
"What are you gonna have?"
Your voice has to carry over the din.
You have to get up over all of that
to be heard in the back of the room
where I'm sitting, listening,
straining to hear you. Okay?
Keep that in your mind when we do this.
Sister.
We call that an A with an attitude.
That's what you need.
You have to put attitude in what you sing.
Have to think
about what you're singing.
It's not just quacking. This is rejoicing.
You are singing to the Lord.
Let's review those notes again
and see if we can put it together. Sister.
Basses. Altos, sopranos.
On three. One, two, three.
Oh, we did it.
We actually sang a chord.
That was exciting.
Yeah, you sang a chord
for two seconds.
The next thing you have to learn how to do
is listen to each other.
That's a big key. Big key.
You must listen to each other
if you're going to be a group.
I knew that.
Mary Lazarus, as soon as I walked
in the door, I knew that you knew this.
Now, you're somebody who's
into hard work and discipline, aren't you?
- Of course, I'm a nun. Four popes now.
- Four?
- How often do they rehearse?
- Twice a week, couple hours.
Not enough. I mean, listen to them.
They really need a lot of work.
They gotta rehearse every day.
She's good.
Well, do you think
they really could get better?
- I don't know. They're pretty raw.
- Wet behind the ears.
Oh, please, let us try.
- This is gonna be hell.
- Tell me about it.
Welcome this Sunday morning,
oh, ye few but faithful.
The choir, I'm told, has elected
a new director, Sister Mary Clarence,
who will lead them
in "Hail, Holy Queen."
- What do you think's going on up there?
- I don't know, man.
Hallelujah!
Girl groups? Boogie-woogie on the piano?
What were you thinking?
I was thinking more like Vegas.
You know, get some butts in the seats.
And what next? Popcorn, curtain calls?
This is not a theatre or a casino.
Yeah, but that's the problem.
See, people like going to theatres
and they like going to casinos.
But they don't like coming to church, why?
Because it's a drag.
But we can change all that.
See, we could pack this joint.
Through blasphemy?
You have corrupted the entire choir.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
How can you say that?
I worked my butt off with these women!
They've given up their free time to do this
and they're good.
I mean, sister, we could rock this place!
Out of the question.
As of tomorrow, Mary Lazarus
resumes her leadership of the choir.
Come in!
Reverend Mother,
I just wanted to congratulate you.
I haven't enjoyed Mass this much in years.
What a marvellous program.
Innovative, inspiring.
You're to be commended.
I can't wait till next Sunday
when the choir performs again.
Did you see the people
walk in off the street?
That music, that heavenly music.
Reverend Mother, it called to them.
It did?
I must tell the archbishop.
I'll send him a personal letter
describing your efforts,
your bold new fight
to keep your little convent alive.
And you must also include this. This is
something she would never tell you herself,
because this is the kind
of woman she is.
Sisters, she wants us to go out into
the neighbourhood and meet the people.
- Oh, this woman.
- Oh, bless her.
There are so many problems out there
that we could maybe help with.
I mean,
that's why many of us became nuns.
Oh, it's really marvellous,
Reverend Mother.
There's a lot we could do for them
besides pray, sister.
You're a pioneer.
Monsignor, surely you realise
how dangerous this neighbourhood is.
And you will face that danger head-on.
- As if I could stop you.
- You couldn't.
You have my complete support
in this matter.
Anything you can do to revitalise
this neighbourhood would be a blessing.
Don't you just love her?
Yes.
Yes, the failing convent at
Saint Katherine's has truly come alive
thanks to the efforts of its popular choir.
What an amazing turnaround story.
This convent was once alienated
from its surrounding neighbours.
- Now, as you can see, its doors are open...
- Vinny, get over here.
--establishing facilities like a daycare
centre and a food kitchen for the homeless.
- As a matter of fact...
- Vin, you gotta see these cute nuns.
I'm shooting pool!
Babe, we should send them money.
They're do-gooders.
--attribute this reach-out philosophy
to a new addition to the convent
Sister Mary Clarence,
who, unfortunately, is a little camera shy.
I'm gonna kill her.
I'm gonna kill her myself.
In related news, the pope visits the U.S.
And we'll have more on that in a moment.
- Good morning.
- Thank you so much.
- Good morning, monsignor.
- Good morning.
- Good to see you.
- Good morning.
Hey, hey, you looking for me?
What you doing here?
- How come I saw you on TV?
- That was not my fault.
These people just showed up.
But it's been really good for the convent.
You're supposed to be hiding out.
Remember?
Bullets flying through the air at you?
- Ring a bell?
- Yes.
But I can't talk about it now.
I have a show in five minutes.
Listen to yourself.
This is not a career opportunity.
You don't have to tell me that.
This would not be the place
to begin a career.
Hey, just promise me I won't see you
on the Letterman show, okay?
Okay.
Hey, I'm worried about you.
I don't want to see anything happen to you.
Okay. You gonna come to the show?
Yeah. I'd love to.
This Sunday's hymn is inspired
by the lesson of Mary Magdalene.
Now, Mary Magdalene
was a young lady with a past.
Oh, yes.
And she was no stranger to sin.
She was no stranger
to practically anybody.
Many condemned her.
The whole neighbourhood, in fact.
But one man refused to do so.
One man said,
"Hey, now. Hold on. Wait a minute.
Listen to the girl's story."
- Hail, girls.
- Hail, Mary. What's up?
Well, Jerusalem's become a real drag.
Everybody hates me.
Not that guy over there.
Who, him? They all say he's different.
They say he's really weird.
We don't care what people say.
To us, he's always there.
Really?
Let's take it home, ladies.
Give them some of
that deep shoulder action.
- Ladies, ladies, you were fantastic.
- Sisters, you did good.
Oh, I'm so excited.
I can't wait till Sunday when we sing.
- I'd rather sing than do anything.
- It's better than ice cream.
- It's better than springtime.
- It's better than sex.
No, I've heard, you know.
Sisters, you're truly an inspiration.
And I've asked you here because
I bear remarkable news.
Now, try to remain calm.
What I'm about to say
is nothing short of a miracle.
Well, I didn't believe it myself at first.
Monsignor, for goodness' sake,
what is it?
Oh, I'm sorry, sister. It's just that it's so
momentous, I'm still adjusting to the shock.
The pope, the pope himself, has heard
of our choir here at Saint Katherine's.
And when he visits San Francisco
next weekend,
despite his inordinately busy schedule,
he's requested a special concert here
on Sunday night.
No, no!
Oh, I'm dying, I'm dying.
Oh, sisters.
Oh, sisters, this is indeed glorious news.
Oh, monsignor,
we're both humbled and honoured.
And on such a supremely
solemn occasion,
I do feel a traditional program
would be best.
You mean, traditional like the old way?
We're speaking of His Holiness,
Mary Clarence,
not a neighbourhood block party.
The pontiff commands
the utmost respect and humility.
Your more secular entertainments
would be totally out of place.
But, Reverend Mother,
everyone loves our new style.
It's brought people back to the church.
And that's why he's coming, because
we're doing something new and different.
Well, I feel this can be settled
by a simple vote.
- A vote?
- Of course, Mary Clarence.
A convent is not a police state.
I'm sure the sisters
are more than capable
of reaching a mature
and dignified consensus.
Right. Now all those in favour
of performing a program
of time-honoured, sacred music,
a truly spiritual repertoire,
raise your hands.
All those in favour of allowing
Mary Clarence
to select a more worldly program,
however inappropriate, raise your hands.
The majority has spoken.
Reverend Mother, as always, you're a true
leader. Gracious and understanding.
It's gonna be wonderful, Reverend Mother.
You'll see.
I'm sure the presentation
will be a great success.
Congratulations, Mary Clarence.
And congratulations to you all.
His Holiness.
Now, we've got to get busy.
Come in.
You sent for me?
- You have a phone call.
- From who?
Lieutenant Souther.
Hello.
Hey, Deloris, great news.
I pulled some strings.
The judge agreed to move up the trial.
We'll be in court in a couple days.
Really? That soon?
In 48 hours, you're a free woman.
Oh, that's great.
Yeah, that's great.
Hey, well, don't thank me or anything.
No, it is. No, thank you.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Thank you.
Yeah. All right. Bye.
Well, seems like your prayers
have been answered.
Gonna be out of here in a week.
I'm leaving.
- You're leaving?
- Yeah.
- That makes two of us.
- What do you mean?
I have submitted my resignation
to Monsignor O'Hara. Privately.
I've asked to be relocated
as soon as possible.
But why?
I must go where I can be of use.
But there's still
so much to be done here.
Look, if it's about me,
I'm gonna be gone.
Indeed. And after how long?
A few weeks?
I have been here for years.
Well, too long, I suppose.
I've become somewhat obsolete.
But you don't have to continue
being obsolete.
Look, everything that's happening here
is a good thing.
- Sister, you can still be part of it.
- Part of what?
Mary Clarence, it is one thing
to rabble-rouse,
to sweep into town
and declare a holiday.
You've raised the sisters' expectations.
You've excited and confused them.
They imagine this neighbourhood to be
some sort of delightful ongoing bake sale.
Now, you and I know things
are not so simple.
There'll be disappointments
and rude shocks.
And you will have vanished.
How fortunate.
Look, I just got things going.
You are a formidable woman.
You could keep this going.
Could I?
Even if I wanted to, no.
I fear I am a relic.
And I have misplaced my tambourine.
- Good day, Mary Clarence.
- But, sister--
Good day.
Don't peek.
Don't peek. Ready?
Crazy women. What have you done?
What is this?
- It's ice cream.
- I know that, but--
Well, it's a great big cuddly bear hug
of a thank-you from us to you.
Not thank you to me. Thank you to you.
I mean, when did you do this?
This is a sin. It's a wicked indulgence.
Didn't they have any butter pecan?
- Hope Reverend Mother doesn't catch us.
- Yeah, let's keep it down.
Is there any syrup?
Mary Clarence, this morning in prayers,
I thanked God for bringing you to us.
Since you've come,
everything has just happened.
Our choir is famous, for one.
We could cut a demo.
I could learn guitar.
Yeah, anything is possible.
- God works in mysterious ways.
- That's true.
You know, anything could happen.
I mean, any one of us could be transferred
out of here at any given time.
Are you leaving us?
No. Come on, no.
What are you talking about?
No, we're always gonna be together.
That's what Diana Ross said.
- Listen, that was a trio. We're a quartet.
- It's true.
Just missed him.
Souther just stepped out.
I need his signature on some things.
This stuff can't be processed
without him.
Well, just leave it here, Henry.
I'll make sure he signs it when he comes in.
We found her.
Beautiful work. What's the address?
It's Church Street at 29th
in San Francisco.
- Thought you were gone.
- Got all the way to the car, no keys.
Tate said to leave
the money vouchers with him.
He said you'd sign them later.
Here's our leak, boys. Plug him up!
Get him out of here. Let's go, Tate.
The pope. Tomorrow.
Oh, my gosh, I'll be so nervous.
What if I forget the words?
You're gonna go straight to hell.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm sorry.
Come on, sisters.
Rehearsal in five minutes.
- Go to rehearsal. I'll be there in a minute.
- Right.
One, two, three and slide.
One, two, three and slide.
One, two, three and slide.
Sister, take over now.
One, two, three, together.
One, two, three, together.
- Oh, come in.
- Where's Deloris?
- Is something wrong?
- They know she's here.
Oh, my goodness.
She's upstairs with the choir.
- Deloris.
- Hi.
Look, Vince knows you're here.
We gotta get out now.
I can't.
We sing for the pope tomorrow.
You're gonna be singing for Saint Peter
if you don't get your ass out of here now.
But I...
I can't do this. I can't leave.
It's like I'm deserting them.
Hey, I think they'll understand.
No, you don't understand.
They need me.
They need you? A bunch of nuns?
What for? Moral guidance?
- What, makeup tips?
- Let me tell you something.
We are talking about the pope.
This means a great deal to them.
And they have worked very hard for this
and they deserve it.
Where are you going?
- Where are you going?
- I am going to the little nuns' room, nosy!
There you are!
We've been looking for you.
- Rehearsal's about to start.
- Okay. Let's go.
- Surprise.
- Guess who.
- Rehearsal's this way, sister.
- Hey, Deloris.
- Hi. Yeah.
- All right, all right.
- What? Who are they?
- Reno scum.
Come on, man!
Come on, come on, let's go.
All right, all right.
Where are we going?
Your sister here's
got a special command performance.
Yeah, back at the Moonlite Lounge.
Look, why don't you just let her go?
She doesn't have anything to do with this.
Oh, yeah, sure.
So she can run right to the cops, huh?
Look, you just go with the flow, okay?
Relax. You do what I tell you.
Go!
- She's getting away.
- You don't have to worry about her.
- You got the one you came for.
- She's right. Let's go.
- Are you all right? It's okay, I'm a cop.
- They've got Mary Clarence and guns.
- Where are they taking her?
- The Moonlite Lounge.
- Come on, get out of the street.
- Okay.
- You mean they kidnapped her?
- Yes, two men. And they had guns.
Why would anyone kidnap a nun?
Were they Catholics?
She isn't a nun. She's a lounge singer.
Her real name is Deloris Van Cartier.
She witnessed a vicious crime
and has been hiding in our convent.
- She isn't a nun?
- She lied to us?
- But she was such a wonderful nun.
- Look what she did with the choir.
- She made us sing beautifully.
- That should have tipped us.
Well, I don't care who she is.
We can't sing without her!
She's our inspiration.
Reverend Mother. Please, I know that you
and Mary Clarence didn't always agree,
- but we've gotta help her, please.
- We must save her.
We can't leave it up to the feds.
Calm down, calm down. Mary Robert.
Think clearly. Have you any idea
who these two men were?
Yes, they were from Reno and
they're taking her to the Moonlite Lounge.
Reno, Nevada.
Mary Emmanuel,
tell the monsignor the situation.
- Yes, mother.
- The rest of you, follow me.
It's 1 ,500 for the run to Reno.
That's 500 less than I normally charge.
But we don't have $1 ,500.
Well, then I can't fly you there.
I'm sorry.
Look, I'm sorry. I've got some things
I have to check out here.
Father, do not blame this young pilot
for abandoning us in our hour of need.
When he stands before you on the day of
judgement, do not send straight him to hell.
Please, do not treat him with
the same disregard that he's treated us.
Just because he can't show
charity to nuns,
try not to leave him without rewards
when he asks for them.
We know it is easier
to answer the prayers
of a man who has answered
the prayers of others,
but if he should come to you
for relief of pain--
Such as rheumatoid arthritis,
loss of hair, neck polyps.
Don't leave him bald
and yowling in despair.
Watch over him
as he refuses to watch over us.
If you cannot, we know that you
will have done your best.
- What goes around comes around.
- Sisters, sisters.
Hold on a second.
What did you think you were doing
running to the cops, Deloris? Hiding out?
Big no-no, babe.
Bet you're sorry now.
I'm sorry for all my sins, Vince.
And I'm sorry for yours.
I loved you, Deloris.
I gave you everything.
My affection, my time, a big-time career.
And how do you repay me?
What's the thanks I get?
Where's the loyalty?
You shouldn't have done that to me, babe.
You'll be judged. We all will.
I don't get judged.
Vince, she's been acting weird
since we picked her up.
It's like she's scared of nothing.
She's scared.
Tell the boys how scared you are.
I forgive you, Vince.
Waste her.
It's beautiful!
And what a lovely name. Reno.
And Gomorrah!
She was this doll.
She used to wear fruit on her head and go:
- Excuse me, Vince.
- Yeah.
It's done?
Not totally.
- What's the problem?
- Vince, we can't waste a nun.
What are you nuts talking about?
It's Deloris in a costume.
Well, Vince, how do you know
she didn't join up
and become a real nun
when she was there?
Things like this happen.
Because I know this woman in the biblical
sense and she ain't no nun.
Now, I don't want to hear any more of this
Go in there and do it.
Just don't come back till it's over.
- Okay.
- It's done.
- Okay, we go one, two, three, shoot.
- Wait.
We don't go one, two,
and shoot on three?
Get over there.
One, two, three.
- You didn't shoot.
- Neither did you.
- I figured if you did, I wouldn't have to.
- That's what I figured.
Sisters, come on!
Deloris, we got it all worked out.
- Strip.
- What?
Come on, come on.
Take off the nun thing.
Yeah, yeah, the nun thing.
- What is she doing?
- Oh, my God. She's praying.
Lord, I want you to forgive
Willy and Joey.
Because they know not what they do.
They're only doing
what Vince told them to do.
Because Vince is too chicken
to do it himself.
So he's called upon these two men
to take care of his business.
So I want you to forgive them, Lord.
- Amen.
- Amen.
You all right? You all right?
- Go find Vince.
- Right.
Wait, wait, wait! Oh, my goodness.
There it is. The Moonlite Lounge.
Brace yourself, sisters.
Spread out and look for Mary Clarence.
Try to blend in.
Hi. Excuse me. Sorry.
Has anyone seen a nun?
A Carmelite nun? No? Sure?
No, she's not really a nun.
She's just posing as a nun.
It was a great shock to us--
Excuse me. Excuse me.
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Place your bets.
Red 23.
Are you sure? How do you know?
- Red 23.
- Me too.
- Works for me.
- I'm on it.
Red 14.
I was just trying
to teach you all a lesson.
Oh, excuse me!
Sister Mary Ignatius!
Follow me.
Block off the street.
- But don't move in until I tell you.
- Okay.
- What are you doing here?
- We're saving you.
Mary Clarence, you're safe.
Come on, move, move.
Break! Now!
- Joey.
- Vinny. There's a thousand nuns here.
- What do we do?
- You go to the left. You go to the right.
- I'll go down the middle.
- All right.
Place your bets. Place your bets.
Hey, babe.
Yes, sweetheart?
Seal off the exits
and get ready to move in.
There's another way out.
Let's go. Come. Excuse us.
Move in now.
- I can't see a thing.
- Willy, hit the lights!
Freeze!
Everybody!
Joey.
Where is she?
I'm right here. I'm here.
Leave them alone.
They don't have anything to do with it.
I'm here.
Calm down.
Joey, do it.
I can't, Vince. She's still a nun.
She's a broad, you got it? Just a broad.
I guarantee you she is no broad.
She is Sister Mary Clarence
of Saint Katherine's Convent.
She's a model of generosity,
virtue and love.
You have my word for it, gentlemen.
She is a nun.
You hear that?
Now, aren't you glad we didn't shoot her?
- Don't shoot!
- Drop it.
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
Guns down. Drop it, okay?
You all right? You okay?
Oh, God.
I'm shot! Watch the arm!
Are you okay? I'm sorry.
Things got kind of out of hand.
Oh, just kind of out of hand?
Boy, am I glad you're a much better shot
than you are a protector.
But...
Thank you.
- All right, come on.
- I was good to you.
We had a great thing!
You sang in a hotel! Badly!
How could you betray me like this?!
- You are nothing!
- Get him out of here.
- I got two words for you, Vince.
- Mary Clarence.
Bless you.
Let's go.
- Come on.
- Hey!
I hold you responsible for all of this.
For introducing a lounge act
into my convent.
For utterly disrupting our lives
and exposing us to mortal danger.
Thank you.
No, no, thank you. Thank you all.
I'm really gonna miss you guys.
We thought you were a nun, Deloris.
Van Cartier.
Sisters, we have a concert to do.
- I thought you were leaving.
- We can't both of us leave.