- Yes?
- Andrew Wyke?
That's right.
I'm Milo Tindle.
Oh, yes, good.
Glad to meet you.
You got the train to Charlebury,
did you?
- I drove.
- Oh, you drove?
That's my car.
Oh, the little one?
- Not the big one.
- No, the big one's mine.
What do you think of it?
- Very handsome.
- Yeah.
It is, isn't it?
Come in.
I was watching a video
of one of my books on television.
Like the house?
Extraordinary.
You know who designed it,
who the interior decorator was?
Yes, your wife.
You knew?
Yes, I knew.
I'll show you around later.
Have a drink. I'm drinking vodka.
- Scotch, please.
- Scotch.
Milo, what an interesting name.
You're a foreigner, I take it?
My father's Italian.
Milo sounds Hungarian.
Does it?
Here's your Scotch.
Cheers.
Cheers.
You sure your father
isn't Hungarian?
Well, if he is,
he's kept it a dead secret for years.
- And your mother?
- English.
So you're a kind of half-breed?
Sit down.
- Thanks for agreeing to see me.
- Not at all.
I didn't know you wrote plays
for television.
I don't. I write crime novels.
You must know that.
I had heard.
But sometimes they're adapted
for television by other people.
You know what the word
adapted means, I take it?
Adapted?
They may not have such a word
in Italian.
- I speak English.
- Good.
Come and have a look
at my special book room.
These are all my novels.
You've read them, I suppose?
Afraid not.
Good God, no?
What about this one?
- Rat in a Trap?
- No.
- The Obelisk?
- No.
- Blackout?
- No.
- Dead Fish?
- Afraid not.
God, you're one in a million.
- Am I?
- Oh, absolu... I'm very popular.
You see this shelf?
Translations.
French, Dutch, German.
You speak Dutch yourself, do you?
Yes, how did you know?
I have a Dutch uncle.
Can't see any Italian translations.
No, they're a funny lot, the Italians.
Culture isn't really their thing.
Their salami's good, though.
- Oh, is it?
- Italian salami? Best in the world.
Did you bring any with you?
- No, I left it at home.
- Oh, shame.
We're gonna have it
for supper tonight.
With a couple of bottles
of Valpolicella.
- We?
- Maggie and me.
Your glass is empty.
What were you drinking, vodka?
- Scotch.
- Scotch.
I want to come to the point.
Point? What point?
Are you gonna give Maggie
a divorce?
And if not, why not?
Yeah, yes, yes, we'll come to that.
She thinks
you're being unreasonable.
So do I.
She's never coming back to you,
so why not just give her the divorce?
It'll do her good to wait for five years.
Good for her character.
You're going to make her wait
five years?
- That's the law. The law of the land.
- But that's pure spite.
Anyway, we'll get back to that,
perhaps. Have your drink first.
What do you do, by the way?
I'm an actor.
Good God. Are you really?
I thought Maggie said
you were a hairdresser.
She must have been talking
about someone else.
You mean another friend?
Another friend?
She tends to have
more than one friend.
- Does she?
- Oh, yes.
I'm her only friend.
She must be lonely.
She's not.
Acting is a pretty precarious
profession, isn't it?
What are you acting in
at the moment?
I'm out of work.
Poor chap.
I drive cars now and again,
chauffeuring.
- Oh, tough life.
- I keep my head above water.
What sort of parts do you play?
Killers, mostly.
Sex maniacs, perverts.
But you're so charming.
Yes, I know.
Anyway, what about this divorce?
What's your position, exactly?
All in good time.
Come in.
Have a seat.
Make yourself comfortable.
I understand you're fucking my wife.
- That's right.
- Right.
Yes, right.
- So we've cleared that up.
- We have.
- I thought you might deny it.
- Why would I deny it?
- Well, she is my wife.
- Yes, but she's fucking me.
Oh, she's fucking you too?
Well, I'll be buggered.
- Sorry.
- Yes, it's mutual.
- You take turns?
- We fuck each other.
- That's what people do.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I follow.
- We're in love.
- You're in love?
That's right.
Let me top you up.
I heard a rumor
that you wanted to marry her.
- That can't be true, can it?
- Why not?
In this day and age,
is marriage absolutely necessary?
Isn't it a bit old hat?
- Is it?
- It's a mug's game.
I wouldn't go near it if I were you.
You can't marry her.
You can't marry her
because she's married to me.
Unless I divorce her, of course.
- And are you?
- Am I what?
Going to divorce her?
Are you really gonna
make her wait five years?
- She wants to know.
- To be honest, I can't wait.
But there are one or two things
I'd like to clear up first.
For example, I've never heard
of an Italian called Tindle.
My father's name is Tindolini.
Now, that's lovely.
That's like a little bell.
Why don't you go back to Tindolini?
It suits you.
- You think so?
- Yes.
So if and when you marry Maggie,
she'll be Maggie Tindolini.
Do you get a kick out of that?
What name do you act under?
Tindle or Tindolini?
- Tindle.
- Why have I never heard of you?
You will before long.
- Really?
- In spades.
- That sounds threatening.
- Does it?
Doesn't it?
Why don't we get down
to brass tacks?
Brass tacks, yes. Why not?
This is the way I see it.
Come upstairs.
I want to show you something.
Are you all right in elevators?
It won't make you sick
or anything, will it?
This is our bedroom.
And this is my wife's dressing room.
She left a few dresses.
Couldn't be bothered to pick them up.
They're worth thousands.
Thousands.
This leather coat alone
is worth 5000 quid.
So you see, the thing is this.
Sit down.
The thing is this,
my wife spends money like water.
So if you're not careful,
she'll eat you out of house and home.
She was born to luxury, you know.
Jamaica, the Ritz, the Swiss Alps.
What are you?
Out-of-work actor, part-time chauffeur.
You're out of your depth, old boy.
You're on a hiding to nothing.
If you think you're broke now...
...you'll be 10 times broker
by the time she's finished with you.
She'll have your guts for garters.
- She's in love with me.
- Oh, never trust in love, chum.
Love will kick you up the arse
as soon as look at you.
One minute, it's love,
That's your own experience, is it?
Oh, no, no, no, that's observation.
Don't forget, I'm a novelist.
I observe people.
What I'm getting at is you won't
be able to give her what she wants.
So she's gonna leave you,
come back to me.
I don't want her near me.
That's the last thing I want.
I've had her up to here.
Anyway, I've got this lovely mistress.
She runs a sauna in Swindon.
She's my girl.
So you see,
I want Maggie to stay with you.
I want you two
to be together forever.
But unless you listen to me...
...the whole thing
will be a fucking disaster...
...with catastrophic consequences
all round.
But I have a solution.
You won't believe
what I'm gonna say.
What are you gonna say?
I'm all ears.
You know something?
I'm beginning to respond
to your charm.
- Get away.
- No, it's true.
- I'm really touched.
- You should be.
Tell me, I bet you didn't expect me
to be so intelligent.
So quick-witted, did you?
Oh, I did.
Quite.
Maggie told you, did she?
What's your solution?
It's a close fit, isn't it?
For two.
Listen, I'm going
to make you a proposition.
A few years ago,
I gave her some jewels.
Amazingly expensive.
I didn't give them to her, I own them.
They're insured in my name.
But I let her use them
on special occasions.
They're worth 1 million pounds.
They spend half the time in the bank,
half the time in the safe.
At the moment, they're here
in the house, in the safe.
And I want you to steal them.
- Steal them?
- That's right.
- What the hell do you mean?
- I want you to steal the jewels.
You want me to steal the jewels?
I don't get it.
It's simple. You steal the jewels,
sell them abroad...
...and you live happily ever after
with Maggie.
I get rid of my wife
and I'll be like a pig in shit.
You can keep Maggie in the manner
to which she's become accustomed.
You want me to take part
in a scummy little plot...
...to defraud your insurance company,
is that it?
I thought it was quite elegant.
What do you think I am?
What the fuck
are you actually talking about?
- These are real facts.
- This is a joke.
- No.
- It's also a trap.
- A trap?
- Yes. You think I'm a fool.
Well, are you?
- It doesn't hold up.
- Why not?
They're worth a million pounds. You'd
get a fraction of that from any fence.
I have already contacted
a friend of mine in Amsterdam.
And he will give you
Now, think about it.
Eight hundred thousand pounds...
...tax-free.
Why would he do that?
When you steal the jewels,
you will also steal the receipts.
So he'll have title to the jewels
as well as the jewels themselves...
...so that when he sells them,
he gets full value.
Got it?
Think about it.
Take your time.
And why would you do all this?
Listen, under this crooked exterior,
I am a simple, honest man.
Every word I've told you is true,
I swear it.
I want to get rid of my wife,
but I want it to be solid, permanent.
I don't want her on my back.
I want her to stay on your back.
This is a frame-up.
- A frame-up?
- Yes.
You want to destroy me.
You want to see me in jail.
You want me to do this
and then shop me to the police.
No, no, no.
If I shop you, then you'll shop me,
and then we'll both end up in jail.
No, I take a strictly moral position
on all this.
My wife is an adulteress.
Actually,
she should be stoned to death.
Anyway, it's up to you.
Make up your own mind.
You're asking me to trust you?
I don't give a fuck
if you trust me or not.
This is a simple proposition.
You have an expensive woman
and no money.
You wanna keep the woman,
steal the jewels.
Why don't you steal the jewels
and give them to me?
Don't be a bloody fool.
The burglary has to be right.
The house has to be broken into.
- Why don't you break into it?
- For chrissake, I'm in it.
How can I break into it? I live here.
Okay.
If I were to agree to do this,
would you agree to the divorce?
Why should I give her the divorce...
...if you're both walking away
with 800,000 pounds?
She wants a legal settlement.
- She wants part of your estate.
- Greedy.
That's legal justice.
Never trust in legal justice.
You know what legal justice is?
It's farting "Annie Laurie"
through a keyhole.
Listen, 800,000 pounds...
...tax-free.
All yours, in cash.
- Why don't you stop pissing around?
- But wait a minute.
You get a million
from the insurance.
Sure I do.
Well, all right, I'll be frank.
I need it. Cash flow,
stocks, shares going down.
Get me? Quid pro quo.
You do me a favor, I do you a favor,
you keep the woman.
Okay.
Let's make a deal.
- What deal?
- I break in, I steal the jewels.
And you agree to the divorce.
That's the deal. Otherwise, fuck it.
That's another quid pro quo.
But you have to shake on it.
All right.
I'll shake on it.
Here's my hand.
Okay.
Okay. So, what do I do?
You break in.
You see that skylight up there?
Well, that window there is the only one
that the burglar alarm doesn't touch.
You get in there.
- That's pretty high up.
- Well, you climb a ladder.
- I'm not good at heights.
- You can do it.
Honestly, I know you can.
- You're having me on.
- Oh, come on. Behave like a man.
A man of action.
You don't have to be a hairdresser
for the rest of your life.
You can be free, independent,
take care of the woman you love.
Listen...
Put this on.
I use it to communicate
with my gardener.
Lovely. Actually, it suits you.
This is what you do. You go outside.
Across the lawn, there's a shed.
Behind the shed, there's a ladder.
You take the ladder, put it up
against the wall of the house...
...and I direct you
through the earphone.
- Are you with me?
- Well, yes, yes.
- But I'm anxious and frightened.
- Trust me.
- But I don't.
- Well, trust me and all will be well.
Just follow my advice.
It's got to look real.
We have to convince
the insurance people...
...and the police,
if you see what I mean.
Maggie never told me
you were such a manipulator.
She told me
you were no good in bed.
But she never told me
you were a manipulator.
- She told you I was no good in bed?
- Oh, yes.
She was joking.
I'm wonderful in bed.
I must tell her.
- There's the shed across the lawn.
- Shed, yeah.
- There's the ladder behind the shed.
- The ladder?
The ladder.
Inside the shed,
there's a pair of gardening gloves.
Put them on. By the gardening gloves,
there's a hammer.
You go round the back of the house.
Put the ladder up against the wall
by the lower roof.
Then, carry the hammer up the ladder
on to the lower roof.
Then, you pull the ladder up
on to the main roof...
...and break the skylight window
with the hammer.
Wait a minute.
You've forgotten one major item.
What?
Once I'm in,
how do I get down to floor level?
Didn't I tell you? Oh, sorry.
You see that small metal door
up there?
Inside, there's an electric ladder.
You get through the window,
I press a button.
The ladder descends.
- You get on and climb down.
- Let me see it descend.
- What?
- Let me see it come down now.
Sure.
See? Easy as pissing.
- I have a funny feeling that I'm a cunt.
- Of course you're a cunt.
But so what?
You'll end up a wealthy man.
Obey the rules. Just obey the rules.
- Whose rules?
- My rules.
Go and get the other ladder.
Can you see the ladder?
Can I see the ladder?
Place the ladder against the wall.
Okay.
Extend the ladder.
Okay.
- Climb up the ladder.
- Okay!
Climb up the ladder.
Why am I doing this?
Keep calm. Keep calm.
Keep coming. Keep coming.
- Watch your step.
- Jesus.
Keep calm.
- Watch your step.
- I'm gonna die.
Fuck.
Don't stop. Keep going.
Don't look down.
You're at the window.
Smash it.
Fantastic.
- Where's the ladder?
- What ladder?
The ladder. Where's it gone?
It's not working. There was
always a dodgy fuse on this.
I'll phone the electrician
in the morning.
In the morning? What about now?
No, he'll be in bed.
You know these country people.
Early to bed, early to rise.
He's a nice chap. He's called Norman.
Charming wife, Debbie.
Three delightful kids.
Oh, I've just remembered.
He's on vacation.
- He's taken the kids to Bermuda.
- What?
So I'm stuck up here
for the rest of my life?
Have patience.
Stoicism is what's called for.
Works wonders. Oh, wait a minute.
There's an emergency button
on the wall. You see it?
That's it. Just press it...
...and all will be well.
There it is.
Careful. Be careful.
That's it.
- Careful.
- Is this as far as it will go?
Jump.
- Oh, Christ!
- Wonderful.
- Very, very impressed.
- I thought I was gonna die.
- You will.
- So, what the fuck do I do now?
- You open the safe.
- Where is it? How do I open it?
Wait a minute.
You don't know where it is.
You've got to find it,
you've got to look for it.
Where is it?
Start in the bedroom.
- How are you feeling?
- Okay, all right.
- Excited?
- Quite, yes.
You're a cool customer, I like that.
Okay.
Open the wardrobe.
Open the drawers.
Throw things around.
You're looking for the safe.
It's up here somewhere.
Play it for real.
Kick the place to death.
You're a desperate man.
Safes are always kept
behind paintings, aren't they?
What are you doing?
I'm a desperate man, aren't I?
That's what you said.
The man is a barbarian.
- Where's the fucking safe?
- Well, open the chest of drawers.
- It's locked.
- Kick it to death.
And this is where I hear you.
You hear me?
Yes, I'm asleep in the study.
That's where I sleep these days.
I can't sleep in the bed
without my wife, you see.
I hear you, I come into the bedroom.
And I find you.
And then?
- I attack you.
- How?
Like this. And this.
- That hurt.
- So sorry.
Then, you get out your knife.
I don't have a knife.
I do.
- You threaten me with it.
- You're threatening me.
No, I'm playing you.
This is what you do.
You want to know
where the safe is...
...what the combination is,
so you terrorize me with this knife.
- Take it easy.
- You can see I'm ruthless.
I'm unpredictable.
I'm probably a killer.
And I'm certainly
very, very dangerous.
But you? You're obstinate.
- Me or you?
- I'm you, you're me, you get it?
Now, the jewels
are worth a lot of money.
You won't give in...
...but I get out my gun.
I'm still you, by the way.
But then, to make it clear
that I mean business...
Bull's-eye.
Bull's-eye.
Finally, you give in.
You're so terrified...
...you show me where the safe is.
It is behind that.
Magic.
And you're so frightened,
you give me the combination.
Wait a minute. Am I me now?
- Or are you me?
- No, you're now you.
- You're now you.
- Me?
- No, no.
- Or are you still me?
You're now you. And I'm now me.
Open the safe.
It was our wedding day.
The 19th of November, 1994.
Jesus.
What do you think?
They're quite beautiful.
Put them in your pocket.
Eight hundred
thousand pounds, eh?
That's what I said.
Okay.
So far, so good.
Hey, you'd better give me
the address of that fence.
- What fence?
- The fence in Amsterdam.
Oh, that fence.
Listen, you put that gun down.
Why?
It's pointing directly at me.
I'm not very happy about it.
Why not?
- Look, is this a game?
- This is the real game.
The real game has just begun.
What's the real game?
You and me.
You, defenseless. Me, with a gun.
It's the end of the jewelry story,
you see.
- Oh, is it?
- Yeah.
I enjoyed it, though.
I'm not enjoying this.
I don't blame you.
What's it all about?
Oh, come on. Buck your ideas up.
You really didn't think I was gonna
let you have my wife and the jewels?
You're joking.
You've been leading me
up the garden.
Right up.
Stand on the bed.
Listen. Wait a minute.
Before you do anything,
there's something I must tell you.
- What?
- Maggie respects you.
- Really?
- Yes.
She often says
you're a man of true integrity...
...that you're a really decent guy.
She's right. I'm a really decent guy.
- I believe it.
- She's quite right.
I'm a really decent guy.
I know you are. I know you are.
And that's what she often says.
You're... She admires your mind.
- She admires my mind?
- Yes.
- Your mind excites her.
- Sexually?
Very. Your mind
excites your wife sexually.
- What about my body?
- What about it?
Well, what does she say
about my body?
Do you know,
I don't think she's ever mentioned it.
You're a prick.
- Where does my prick come into it?
- I can guess where it comes in.
But I wasn't talking
about your prick.
- I was calling you a prick.
- Oh, thanks.
But you know
what you are now, though?
What?
- You're a dead duck.
- Really?
This is the way
the story goes to the police.
I find you in my house,
you threaten me.
You open the safe,
you take the jewels.
You put them in your pocket.
I manage to grab the gun
while you're looking at the jewels.
There's a struggle.
The gun goes off.
Suddenly, I realize you're dead.
You're gonna shoot me.
- What do you think?
- Why?
I planned all this from the word go.
I've always longed for
an intimate chat with a hairdresser.
Especially a hairdresser
who is fucking my wife.
I'm not a hairdresser!
My wife is mine! She belongs to me!
And I'm her husband!
And what you've done is this.
You've invited yourself
to attend your own death.
Please.
No, don't do it.
Please don't shoot me.
Please don't shoot me, please!
I'll just get in my car and go, okay?
That's all.
You'll never see me again.
You're crazy.
No, you're not crazy.
You just got things wrong.
I don't want your wife. I hate women.
You hear me?
I hate women. I hate your wife!
You've absolutely
no reason to be jealous.
Women are not my scene.
I'd rather do it with a dog or a goat.
Or a boy I knew at school.
His name was Dooley.
I called him Dolores.
I hate women!
Honest. God's honor.
Do you believe in God?
Just shut up.
I'm asking the questions, not you.
- How long have you known him?
- I don't know him. I've never met him.
What are you? A joker?
Yes?
Andrew Wyke?
Yes.
Detective Inspector Black.
New Scotland Yard. Eddie Black.
I'd like a word with you.
A word?
That's right.
What about?
Can I come in?
Yes. Yes, of course.
Like a drink?
Got any beer?
Beer? Yes.
You're the writer.
You write crime books.
That's right.
I've read a couple.
Right on the button.
Oh, that's a great compliment.
How do you know so much about it?
What?
Villainy.
Crime. Horror.
Imagination.
Imagination.
Clever.
I do my best.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
I see you got
a broken window up there.
Tropical storm the other night.
Bit of a hurricane, terrifying.
A great branch broke off a big tree...
...and flew through the air
through the skylight...
...as you can see.
Act of God.
Had it in for you, did he?
- Who?
- God.
Oh, yes, he's always been
a vicious bastard.
You know what God's trouble is?
- What?
- He has no father.
He has no family roots.
He's rootless.
Nowhere to hang his hat,
poor bugger. I pity him.
That's a very interesting
philosophical speculation.
Wait a minute.
Aren't you a well-known detective?
No.
Not me, mate.
You're thinking of another bloke.
Haven't I seen your picture
in the newspaper?
Do you want to know
my opinion of the newspapers?
What?
Journalists are a bunch
of prick-teasing cocksuckers.
No.
That's right.
I'm sorry, but isn't that
a contradiction in terms?
Is it?
So you're not well-known?
No, I'm a common-or-garden copper.
I just catch sex criminals, perverts...
...homicidal maniacs.
And what do you do with them
when you catch them?
I generally cut their balls off.
I see.
So how can I help you?
Yes, I think you can help me.
I think you can.
How?
I'm looking into a disappearance.
Disappearance?
Man called Tindle. Milo Tindle.
Sorry, I didn't get the name.
What was it?
Tindle.
Tindle. Tindle...
What about him?
Do you know him?
Know him? Absolutely not.
- You mean you've never met him?
- Never.
Never even heard of him.
- That's funny.
- Why?
Well, he was staying
at the Red Lion in the village...
...where he mentioned
to the landlord...
...he was coming to see you
three nights ago.
He hasn't been seen since.
His bag is still in his room,
shaving kit, all that.
He was coming to see me?
That's right.
He mentioned it to the landlord?
Why would he mention such a thing
to the landlord?
Well, you're a famous writer
and you're well known in the district.
So how can you help me on this?
No one came to see me.
I've no idea who this man is.
And I know no one called Tindle.
You don't, eh?
What are you? A joker?
What do you mean?
I mean you're pretty quick
on your feet.
You should have been
a ballet dancer.
I can just see you doing pirouettes.
- Ever worn a pair of tights?
- Not me.
They'd suit you.
Nice house.
Thanks.
- Design it yourself?
- It's 18th-century.
No, no, I meant this. The inside.
That was my wife.
Oh, your wife.
Is she here, by the way?
No.
Popped up to London?
She's not here.
She's an interior decorator, then?
Something like that.
It's a great gift, isn't it?
You're a lucky man.
You got an ashtray?
I'm ready for another beer.
A man was passing your house
three nights ago.
He said he heard shots.
Passed my house?
How could he do that?
It's private property.
He were taking a shortcut.
I think he's a poacher.
Anyway, says he heard shots.
What kind of shots?
Gunshots.
- Fantasy.
- Really?
Bullshit. Codswallop.
Who is this man?
Are you sure he exists?
Oh, he exists, all right.
By the way, cheers.
Cheers.
I do want to ask you
one more question.
Ask.
You do know your wife's
living in London with another man?
That is my business.
My private life is my business.
Do you know the name of this man?
Why should I answer
these questions?
You don't have to,
but you'd be better off if you did.
I don't know the man's name.
I never asked.
So you do admit that your wife's
living in London with another man?
Yes. Yes.
So what?
Well, I can tell you the man's name.
It's Tindle.
Milo Tindle.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
The bloke who's disappeared.
The bloke who said
he was coming to see you.
We found this note in his room.
At the pub.
"I look forward to meeting you.
Come to the house Friday, 6:30.
Wyke. "
Is this your handwriting?
- It is.
- Do you remember writing this note?
How could I forget?
You forgot earlier.
You said you didn't know him.
You said you'd never met him.
I was lying.
Lying to the police.
That will get you nowhere.
I don't understand you,
mate, honest.
You're a clever man.
You write clever books.
But you've made a balls-up
of this one, haven't you?
Have I?
Tindle came to see you
three nights ago.
- I knew him as Tindolini.
- Oh, I see.
- He had an Italian father.
- Get away.
A traditional
Italian hairdressing family.
- Is he a hairdresser himself?
- I think he is.
He didn't come all the way here
to do your hair, did he?
Not at all, not at all.
So, what did you two do
when you got together?
We played a game.
- A game?
- A game with a knife and a gun.
- A lethal game?
- No.
Just a bit of fun, that's all.
Okay, a bit of fun.
So he came to see you.
You played a game
with a knife and a gun.
Three shots were fired,
then he disappeared.
So where is he?
- Probably cuddling my wife.
- That's the one thing he's not doing.
- How do you know?
- I've seen her.
He was nowhere in sight.
No. She's an anxious woman.
She knew he was coming
to see you, you see.
In fact, she insisted
that he come to see you...
...as I know you know.
She thinks you may have killed him.
She thinks you're round the bend.
She thinks
you're a very dangerous man.
Me? She's joking.
So tell me, between ourselves...
...did you kill him?
I'll tell you exactly what I did.
I pretended to kill him.
I shot him with a blank.
I frightened the shit out of him.
Your man was right.
Your spy, whoever he was.
There were three shots.
The first two were real.
The third one was blank.
He was terrified.
When I shot him, he fainted.
When he came round
I gave him a drink, pat on the bum...
...he left the house, his tail, if you
want to call it that, between his legs.
And I haven't seen him since.
You gave him a pat on the bum?
Metaphorically.
You gave him
a metaphorical pat on the bum?
- Sure.
- How did he take it?
- What?
- The pat.
He was fine. He told me that
it was game, set and match to me.
So this guy had a sense of humor,
is that what you're saying?
Oh, yes. He left the house
with a twinkle in his eye.
So tell me,
what was the point of all this?
Humiliation.
It's nice to see your wife's lover...
...a shivering, frightened,
fucking wreck in front of you.
As a matter of fact, I liked him.
I thought he was attractive.
I thought we could have
become good friends.
The shortest way to a man's heart,
as I'm sure you know, is humiliation.
It binds you together.
You found him attractive?
I put myself in my wife's shoes,
in a manner of speaking.
I was trying to find out
what attracted her to him.
- And did you?
- Oh, yes.
He was really terribly sweet.
- I could see why she fancied him.
- I could see why he fancies her.
- Really?
- Found her very tasty myself.
- Is that so?
- Oh, yes.
Sumptuous. Ready for action.
I mean,
I'm an experienced detective.
So guess what I detected.
What?
That she's in love
with her own body.
Makes her dizzy with excitement.
You detected all this
in five minutes?
Well, 35. Perhaps even 45.
Well, let's call it 55
or even a little bit longer.
You stayed for tea?
And cakes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Must be funny for you to know...
...your own wife's getting a going-over
from another man on a regular basis.
Going-over? I don't follow.
You don't?
Not a phrase I'm familiar with.
- Means being fucked.
- You mean like in sexual intercourse?
Yes, the old one-two.
In like a lion, out like a lamb.
I must say, you have
a great gift for language.
Did you learn it at school?
The hard school. Family life.
- But you keep cheerful.
- You've got it, I keep cheerful.
I've got an optimistic nature.
You got to when you're a policeman.
Otherwise, you'd go mad.
No, I'll tell you
what keeps me going.
The chase. The thrill of the hunt
and the sudden shafts of bright light.
For instance,
when I was talking to your wife...
Very attractive woman.
Wonderful legs.
She was crossing them at the time,
I remember.
She suddenly said
you had a murderous nature.
Now, that really
made my nose twitch.
Itch?
Twitch, mate.
Twitch.
So I'm looking at you
and I'm wondering...
...what have you done
with the body?
Where's the body?
Come on, I need to know.
Where's the body?
What have you done with the body?
There's no body.
Don't fuck about!
Don't bullshit me.
I won't stand for it.
Where is it?
In the house or did you shift it?
There is no body!
Here, look at this.
You got holes in your walls.
They're bullet holes.
Live bullet holes.
I fired two live bullets
to set up the trick...
...and one blank to complete it.
It was a game, I told you.
I played it to the hilt.
It's not worth playing
unless you play it to the hilt.
- The third shot was a blank?
- That's right.
- What's that?
- What?
Blood. Dried blood!
Some of it's not even dried.
It's still damp.
- That's impossible.
- That's blood, chum.
- Whose blood is it?
- It's impossible.
It was a game. It was a blank.
No, it was a game
with real bullets and real blood.
This is a carve-up.
Let's see what else
is new around here.
Hello, what's this?
We've got a shirt, jacket and trousers
in the back of your cupboard.
Very negligent of you, mate,
unless they're not yours.
No, I don't think they're yours.
I think they belong to Tindle.
You say he left the house
after you shot him.
- Yes.
- Naked?
I don't know how those got there.
So you made him strip
before you shot him?
Part of the humiliation, was it?
No. The thing is this.
It might have started as a game,
but it got out of hand.
The third shot was live!
It killed him. So where's the body?
I didn't kill him! He's alive!
Bollocks. You're a joker, all right.
A real joker.
Come on, we're off to the station.
- There's something very wrong here.
- Hey, dead right.
I'll tell you what you are.
You're fucked.
Jesus Christ.
Don't struggle, chum.
I'll have you for breakfast.
There's something wrong here.
You're up shit creek, Wyke.
You're up shit creek without a paddle.
Look at you. All aquiver.
Who's the dead duck?
Jesus Christ.
You're the dead duck.
I just sucked you in
and blew you out in little bubbles.
- It's you.
- It's me, all right.
You bastard. You stinking bastard.
Just a little game, Andrew.
- Just a little game.
- You shit.
- I thought it might amuse you.
- You're a total shit.
I know I am.
- But you're also a genius.
- I know that too.
When did you do this?
The clothes in the wardrobe?
- The blood?
- The blood belongs to a pig's liver.
But when did you do it?
How did you do it?
I did it last night. I used that ladder.
I heard you snoring.
Does Maggie know about this?
Your detective, was it her idea?
- How much does she know?
- She knows nothing about it.
Entirely my own idea.
This is a game between us, old boy.
Between you and me.
Don't forget, I'm half Italian.
We go in for revenge.
After all, you frightened
the life out of me deliberately.
You fired two live bullets
into the wall...
...and then you pointed
the gun at me.
And then you fired.
I don't like guns.
They kill you.
Okay.
So, what does this make the score?
You've had your revenge.
So, what do you reckon?
One set all?
No, no, you're way ahead.
I only teased you with my inspector,
gave you a few goose pimples.
But you frightened me to death.
Did you really think
I was going to kill you?
You fainted, you see.
It was a blank.
I may be three games up
in the second set.
If I had killed you...
...I'd have to bury the body
in the garden or somewhere.
Too exhausting.
But you won the first, 6-love.
So we're a long way
from one set all.
By the way, I spoke to Maggie.
I told her all about you.
She loved it.
Loved what?
That I frightened the life out of you.
That you pissed your pants.
And that you actually fainted.
She said to me,
"You mean he actually fainted?"
I said, "Dead out,
he was scared shitless.
Went out like a light. "
She laughed so much,
I thought she was gonna burst.
Oh, incidentally,
she's coming back to me.
Oh, is she?
Yes, that's right.
You know what she said about you?
What?
She said:
"Faint heart never won fair lady. "
Is that a fact?
Yeah.
Listen, I want to
show you something.
Go into your study and sit down.
Go into my study?
And sit down.
- What are you doing?
- It's late at night.
You're reading a book under a lamp.
Read something.
- What's going on?
- Read a book.
It's late at night.
You're reading a book.
You hear something. You look up.
It's me jumping off the ladder.
You see me with this gun.
You're caught like a rat in a trap.
You stare at the gun, you're paralyzed.
I've come for the jewels.
- Where is the safe?
- What jewels?
The jewels. Where's the safe?
- You know where it is.
- I don't.
- You don't?
- Don't fuck me about, I mean it.
Get up.
You think this gun isn't real?
Where is it?
- Upstairs.
- Well, let's go upstairs.
Get up these stairs
or I'll ram this gun right up your ass.
- The safe is behind the fish tank.
- How am I gonna get to it?
Well, you press the button
and the button moves the tank.
Then press it.
It's not working. It's out of ord...
Are you a maniac? You're crazy.
- Open it.
- I changed the combination yesterday.
- What is it?
- I forgot. I can't remember.
- Remember.
- It's the truth. I can't remember.
Remember!
What are you doing?
What are you gonna do?
I've broken into your house because
I know you have jewels in a safe.
I have inside information.
I want them.
Remember the combination
and open it.
It was a blank.
The next one's real.
There's a good boy.
So, what are you writing
at the moment?
What am I writing?
Yes, I'm very interested in literature.
Do you mind if I have a drink?
Sure. It's your house.
I'm always interested
in the people I rob.
Like I'm always interested
in the husbands of the wives I fuck.
Are you really?
Well, well.
Cheers.
So, what are you writing?
It's the story of a pathological killer.
- I call it The Smiling Man.
- Does he come to a bad end?
He dies during the act of love.
Like countless others.
Countless others, eh?
I can see you've researched
the subject thoroughly.
- What subject?
- Death in orgasm.
Isn't that a beautiful notion?
To die in the arms of your beloved.
Can you imagine
anything more poignant?
- I can't, no.
- No.
- You're a married man, aren't you?
- Yeah, been married 13 years.
It was love at first sight.
- Very moving.
- Yeah.
And we're still in love.
Like two peas in a pod.
Someone told me
your wife has a lover.
- She has, yeah.
- Do you know him?
No, I've never met him.
He's some sort of Italian.
Called Tandoori or something.
One of the Bombay Tandooris?
You've got it, yeah.
You know something? I've never met
an artistic burglar before.
That's fantastic.
- What's your background?
- Me?
- You.
- Irish. Connemara.
Spanish descent.
By way of Uganda.
My grandparents were slaves.
My mother was a dark-eyed,
dusky beauty.
- Were you breastfed?
- Oh, sure, like a baby.
Shall I tell you what I want you to do
with these jewels?
What?
You look so charming.
How do you want it?
Like this?
Or shorter?
How about this?
Or even shorter like a halter?
- You're hurting me.
- Oh, am I hurting you?
- Yes. Don't hurt me.
- Are you sensitive to pain?
Very. Very.
I wouldn't want to hurt you,
sweetheart.
You're too much fun.
- Am I really?
- Oh, yes. You're wicked.
I like that. Yeah.
Do you know something?
I don't think
these earrings really suit me.
You're right. Take them off.
I don't...
I don't think this bracelet
is really my style either.
But the necklace is nice.
I'm not totally sure.
Listen, you can play with these jewels
until the cows come home.
They're yours.
Do what you like with them.
But I thought you'd just stolen them.
No, no! It was a game!
It was just a game!
I thought it might amuse you.
Well...
Aren't you the wicked one?
You remember what I said?
You won the first set, 6-love.
I was 3-love up in the second.
Well, now it's one set all.
But who's going to win the third set?
Remains to be seen.
You like games, don't you?
Some. Not all.
But you like being in charge...
...of the game?
Oh, yes. Sure.
I like a man who wants
to be in charge of things.
- Do you?
- Yes, I do.
Listen, you've met my wife, I think.
I have met her. Yes.
- Did she say if she had a husband?
- Yes.
Yeah, she said she had a husband.
How did she describe him?
Remote. Cold.
Malevolent. Spiteful.
Arrogant. Ruthless.
Jealous. Paranoid.
Criminal tendencies.
Mentally unsound.
That's me, all right.
You know something?
I like your mind.
- Do you really?
- It excites me.
I like the way you go about things.
You mean you like my style?
Oh, I like your style.
I like it very much.
Look, I want to
make you a proposition.
What?
I want to show you something.
- Can't you put that gun down now?
- No.
God, you're so strong, so ruthless,
aren't you?
Yes.
Have you any idea
what my proposition is going to be?
- No.
- Are you excited?
I'd say intrigued.
I think you're going to be excited
very much.
This is the guest suite.
Isn't it nice? Look at the view.
There's a private bathroom.
A small fridge.
A bottle of Chilean Chardonnay
is chilling in there at this very moment.
This suite is uninhabited.
It has no occupant.
How would you like it?
Me?
Yes, yes.
I think I've come to the conclusion
that you're my kind of person.
Am I, now?
Well, I told you.
I liked your mind. It excited me.
I need intellectual excitement.
Intellectual stimulation.
Well, they don't grow on trees.
I'm a rich man.
What do you want to do?
I can subsidize anything you want.
You want to open a bookshop
in the village?
An art gallery?
Or, of course, a little theater.
You're a wonderful actor.
You could choose all the plays
and play all the leading parts.
But this would be your home.
And this would be your bedroom.
You're asking me to live here?
Yes, I'm asking you to stay with me.
Oh, we would also travel.
I mean, Jamaica, Swiss Alps.
I bet you're a wonderful skier,
aren't you?
You could ski
to your heart's content.
Swim in the blue Caribbean.
I'd be waiting at our table
with a Scotch on the rocks.
Or a chilled Chilean Chardonnay.
The world would be your oyster.
But what about Maggie?
Forget her.
Let her rot.
Stay with me.
You're my kind of person.
It's quite tempting.
Hello?
Hi.
It's going okay.
We're still talking.
We're on the right track.
It's all going okay.
Don't come down.
That would be a mistake.
It's all going fine.
I love you too.
I am.
I'm kissing you.
Oh, yes.
I can taste your mouth.
What the hell did she want?
She wants that divorce.
What about my proposition?
Well, I like the idea of Jamaica.
- What about Barbados?
- Well, and Barbados, and Antigua.
Yeah, it's true. There's so many
places I haven't seen.
Hollywood. Saint Petersburg.
The Cte d'Azur, Coney Island.
And I hear there's that wonderful hotel
in Scotland called Balmoral.
- That's where the queen lives.
- So bed and breakfast is out.
- It's on if you know the queen.
- I don't.
I do.
That's fantastic.
But seriously, though.
We could have
such a wonderful time together.
Venice? Disneyland?
Whatever you want.
Whatever you want.
Whoever you want.
I could introduce you
to whoever you want.
Kissinger? Dick Cheney?
Madonna? Mike Tyson?
- Yes.
- Yes?
I must say, that as offers go...
...it's quite tempting.
You're a naughty tempter,
aren't you?
I'm so glad you like my mind.
Not many people like my mind.
Quite a few people like my body...
...but I can't think of anyone
who likes my mind.
That makes you unique.
But then, of course,
you know what they say.
The mind is the body.
Is that what they say?
Somebody said something like it once.
Bullshit, of course. Anyway...
Perhaps I am your sort of person.
Who knows?
But you would have
to be very nice to me.
For instance,
just at this moment, I need a drink.
You can get your own drink.
No, you get it for me
and I might be nice to you.
- Nice to me?
- That's what I said.
Whisky, please.
Can't deny, I can be
quite a congenial companion.
I really... I can't deny it.
I could be quite a witty companion.
Would you like a witty companion?
- Very much.
- I'm particularly witty in the morning.
Would that suit you?
Some people hate wit in the morning.
What about you?
I love wit in the morning.
Over boiled eggs?
Do you like eggs?
Absolutely.
I'm a dab hand in the kitchen.
But you have to be nice to me
and get me a drink when I ask for it.
You see?
You can be really sweet...
...when you put your mind to it.
Cheers.
Listen, I can see what you're saying.
I can see why
you're inviting me to live with you.
I can see that you're lonely.
That you need looking after.
It's obvious.
You need someone
who would cater for your every whim.
Don't you?
I do.
Hello? Darling.
What?
Oh, is that so?
Are you?
I see.
Are you sure?
I see.
I got it.
I told you I got it. I understand.
Okay.
- Okay, I'll tell him.
- Tell me what?
- That she loves you.
- Is that so?
- What else did she say?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
- Nothing.
Listen, for chrissake,
make up your mind.
I'm offering you something special.
Something very special.
We seal it with a handshake.
And she's nowhere.
We cut her out, you understand?
We cut her out of our lives.
Don't let her dominate you.
Be yourself.
- Be independent. Be free.
- Like you?
That's right. Be free like me.
I've always been attracted...
...to rich and powerful men.
Rich and powerful men
make all the girls quiver...
...like a jelly on a plate.
But you're not a girl.
Tickles the old cobblers, money.
- Girls don't have cobblers.
- You'd be surprised.
But you're not a girl.
I may be once.
Back in the good old days.
Maybe the good old days
are coming back.
Who knows?
Look...
I'd really like to see your bed.
I mean, let me be quite clear.
This looks a very nice bed indeed.
But yours is bigger.
- Can I take another look?
- Sure.
Is this how you do it?
Miraculous.
I could really get to like this.
Of course,
this is the marriage bed, isn't it?
Is this where she took
your virginity?
Is this where your wife
deflowered you?
Is this where you were deflowered?
It's a lovely bed.
So bouncy.
I'm so touched that you've
offered me a place in your heart.
In your life.
I'm touched.
Take your hand off me.
Take your hand off me.
Fuck off. Fuck off, you big poof!
Jesus. I come here
as an innocent bystander.
As a totally respectable individual.
A humble part-time hairdresser.
And you try to corrupt me.
You try to seduce me.
Do you know what you are?
You're a menace.
Also, you're a cunt.
Well, now you really are charming.
- Know who's gonna love this story?
- What story?
- This one. This one.
- Who?
- Maggie.
- Really?
By the way, she asked me
to tell you something.
- What?
- That she's coming back to you.
- She's on her way.
- She's coming back to me?
- That's what she told me.
- I don't want her.
Well, you've got her. She's all yours.
You're welcome to her.
She loves your money, baby.
That's the nub of it.
I don't want her.
- What are you doing with that coat?
- I'm taking it.
Tell Maggie I'll be in touch.
I want to have a drink with her.
Bring her up to date.
How do you like me in this coat?
Do you fancy me?
Goodbye, darling.
Wait a minute.
Yes? What?
Goodbye, darling.