Knock it off!
Knock it off, asshole!
Knock it off!
You hear me, Franklin?
You blow that horn again, I'm
gonna screw it in your ass!
Hey! Watch out!
How many times do
I gotta tell you?
That horn is a fuckin' menace.
Don't you get it?
Good morning, Mr. Allspice.
Can't you maybe get a little
respect? Just a little?
I assumed you'd
left for your walk.
You assumed?
It relaxes me.
Why don't you go to the zoo
and listen to an elephant fart?
That would relax you, no?
You know, it stinks in there.
What a fuckin' idiot.
My name is Franklin.
I haven't always lived here.
In this apartment, I mean.
'Scuse me.
In fact, not so long ago,
my life was very different.
That was when I used to
live with my brother, Bernard.
But then he took up residence
in the psych center.
So now I live alone.
Well, except for my dog.
Hello.
Every day, Bernard sends me
an envelope that contains
one cassette tape,
and an assortment
of toenail clippings.
You should kill yourself.
I don't take everything
Bernard says as gospel,
because he was
basically diagnosed "insane"
by Dr. Sage Mennox, himself.
And he's been on Oprah.
Hey, little bro!
It's me again.
Big brother Bernard. Back for
another installment of truth.
Another daily nugget
of recorded wisdom.
Very excited, Franklin.
Really, really jazzed.
Lately, I don't know how to explain
it. My head is just, it's filled
with mind-blowing,
fantastical shit.
Listen, Franklin, I heard
from God again last night.
God wanted me to pass
along a message to you.
He wanted me to tell you,
"You're being watched. "
I know you, Franklin.
Don't panic.
Yeah, it might be a threat,
but maybe it's just a warning.
You know? Maybe it's just, maybe it
just means he's watching over you.
I asked him to clarify,
but I'm just the delivery boy.
I'm the string
between the tin cans.
I don't rate an explanation.
Mmm-hmm.
But you know what I told him?
I said God would have
a lot more credibility
if he didn't always pick crazy
people to be his messengers.
Franklin,
sanity is wasted on the sane.
That's George
Bernard Shaw for you.
Anyway, about the toenails.
Don't worry. There's plenty
more where those came from.
I think this apartment's
too small for me.
Maybe I should
leave this place.
Go someplace where
people appreciate my music.
What do you think,
Mr. Olivetti? Hmm?
Hey, Tommy Balls.
What are you doing?
Working on
today's project, baby.
What time is it?
Uh, 10:32.
Ugh.
You wanna fuck?
That was yesterday's project.
You want a wake and bake?
I told you last night,
I'm in the middle
of a 40-day cleanse.
I'm ridding myself of all my
herpes.
So...
Herpes?
No toxins are allowed
to enter this temple.
Herpes.
I wish I could
talk to Bernard.
He's smart.
He was an accountant at that
big law firm. Weiner and Fish.
He wasn't always crazy.
In fact, he was
almost always not crazy.
He had lots
of girlfriends, too.
Girls love Bernard.
Whoo-hoo! Ha!
Mmm!
Hey, it's how you
weed out the tight-asses.
See, uptight
chicks refuse to bowl.
They don't bowl,
they don't roll.
Know what I mean?
You know what I mean?
Nice roll, baby. She's up.
Frankie.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, he knows!
Oh, yeah.
I had no idea
what Bernard meant.
What are you looking for?
Scissors.
Sweet. I thought you
were building that bong...
Gravity bong.
Never have just one goal for
the day, baby. I'm multitasking.
You know, you should
have just one goal.
'Cause if you
have a lot of them,
you're just gonna
fuck some of them up.
That's just common sense.
No, that's fallacious.
Success is based on the same
primal principle of ejaculation.
You shoot millions
of sperm and only
one egg gets fertilized,
right?
The more you shoot, more
chances something'll stick.
It's like, my motto.
My motto is never
go into an orgy,
ass up.
Bye, Tommy Balls.
Bye, babe.
Shit.
Mr. Olivetti,
what am I gonna do with you?
I guess I could
toss him out the door.
No.
That's not the best idea.
I could bury him.
Ugh...
I suppose I could carve
him into little pieces.
Put the pieces in
garbage bags and toss
them into dumpsters
all around the city.
Oh, God!
I can't do those things.
It's hopeless.
May I interrupt?
I'm hopeless.
Olivetti lives alone.
Wait till it gets dark, then
make it look like a suicide.
That's a pretty good idea.
Yo!
Hey, Fred, it's Tommy Balls,
your neighbor.
Dude, what's that smell?
My name is Franklin.
Right. Hey, do you have one of
those empty plastic pop bottles?
No.
Come on,
bro, help a brother out.
Ah.
Dude. Unhook the chain, man.
You're compromising the bottle.
Unlock the fucking door.
What are you two morons doing?
You know, mind your own
business, you inveterate douche.
Have you talked
to Mr. Olivetti today?
He was supposed to
come by and fix my sink.
He can't. I killed him.
He's lying dead on the floor.
I was just asking. You don't
gotta be a fucking dick about it.
Why don't you put
a fucking shirt on, too?
Hey, listen, why don't you try
shutting your yap for a minute?
You know what, old man? You
know you should try some yoga,
or maybe a 40-day
cleanse or something.
Just be a lot easier sticking
this fork in your throat.
Whatever.
Huh.
Old motherfucker.
What a fuckin' idiot.
You're lucky I got
shit to do today.
I don't know why
he's fucking with me.
Motherfucker.
He's a pain in my ass.
Thank you, Killer.
Listen, could you
tell me, Killer, how your
fabulous boxing
career started?
Well, I started boxing as a kid
in my neighborhood in New York.
One day I was
sitting at home, my mother
asked me to take
the garbage out.
So I punched her
in the mouth.
Ugh.
'Cause we didn't have
a lot of money at that time,
we had to keep my mother
on as a sparring partner.
That didn't work
out too good, though.
She kept falling
out of the wheelchair.
Oh, the keys.
I can do it. You can do it.
Whoa.
The crowd was out
there, they were yelling.
I threw a left and a right. A
left and a right. A couple of...
He's probably jacking off
behind the counter.
Hey!
Open the goddamn door!
Hey.
Yeah, take your
sweet-ass time, dude.
Is Tommy back there?
He's on tomorrow.
I need some smokes.
No can do. Had the cops
in here the other day.
Really?
Are you sure about that?
Simone.
That might get you
a sip off my beer,
but for $6.75 a pack,
I'm gonna have to cop a feel.
It's not my fault your
cigarettes are overpriced.
Maybe for a joint.
Okay.
But it's gonna have
to be a good squeeze.
Nice.
Hey, Artie.
Where's the Moxie?
Same place it always is.
Last case, bottom shelf.
Thanks, Artie.
That was like two seconds.
Well, it's as good as it gets.
And I need matches.
Hey, Artie. Found 'em.
Great.
Thanks, Artie.
Hey, I know you.
You live across
the building from me.
I'm going home now.
You wanna walk with me?
Okay.
I see you by your window
with your big binoculars.
Mr. Peepers.
It's okay,
my mom doesn't know.
And I don't care. It's not like
you're jerking off in front of me.
And you're not totally
disgusting for an old guy.
Really?
Thank you.
What are you, like, 50?
My friend Amber and me?
We're going to Vegas.
We're gonna be dancers.
Vegas?
Mmm-hmm.
Dancers.
We've been chatting with
this one guy online.
His buddy owns a few clubs.
It's gonna be pretty cool.
I can't wait to
have my own money.
Hey, what are you doing at
midnight tonight, Mr. Peepers?
Uh, I don't...
Okay, tonight is
gonna be your lucky night.
I think tonight I'm
gonna give you a show
that you're
never gonna forget.
Midnight.
Don't you be late.
I can't look at that face.
Have a nice day.
Oh!
Hey!
Hey!
These front lights are supposed
to be on from dusk till dawn!
I think it's broken!
What?
I said, the light,
I think it's broken!
- I think they're broken!
- I think they're broken.
Well, it can't be broken, you
idiot! I just turned the light on!
Oh, then I guess you
fixed them, so nice job!
What are you doing?
Uh... Packing.
Packing? Like,
trip packing? Like that?
Yeah. I'm...
'Cause I'm moving.
I'm moving
to Switzerland.
Switzerland?
Land of the cuckoo clock.
That's perfect.
I don't think it's funny that
I would move to Switzerland.
There's nothing funny
about that. People do it.
By all means, you move.
Please, just move.
I mean, go to Bum-Fuck,
China, if you like.
Well, I'm not gonna go there.
Right, well, wherever you decide
to go, just do it in a hurry.
And I'm gonna ask,
maybe, Olivetti to...
You know, rent to somebody less
musically inclined than you.
Oh, you can ask him now.
He's lying dead on the ground.
What?
Nothing.
All right, well, listen. You have
a great time in Sweden, all right?
Switzerland.
Same shit.
No, it's not the same shit.
It's like two
different shits, okay?
Well, look, make sure these
lights stay on, all right?
Oh!
Mr. Olivetti didn't look at all
like my mother when she passed.
My mother looked peaceful.
Like all her pain had
suddenly just vanished.
Before Mom died, she made Bernard
promise to take care of me.
The first thing he did was to
drop a bowling ball on my foot.
Bernard's ball broke
The nail on my big
toe never grew back.
And I lost all
my hair, forever.
I think he was
trying to protect me,
because we aren't just
brothers. We're best friends.
We used to go
everywhere together.
Until one day, when
things started to change.
Can I get this?
You want to become mentally
fit and physically strong.
Yeah, sure, pal.
I just wanna see what
this guy has to say.
That was when
he came into the picture.
Minding the...
Dr. Sage Mennox.
Think of your
brain as a muscle
that needs to be
toned and flexed.
Now, the same principle applies
to exercising your sanity.
Look at how
he works the room.
Using my proven methods,
you vastly reduce your
chance of a brain attack.
Achieving true Brain Brawn
is nothing less than the ultimate
Olympics of mental self-discovery.
He's good, isn't he?
Thank you. Thank you.
From that day, things were
never the same again.
He was always
searching for "the answer. "
You know, Dr. Mennox's books
say that my brain is clogged with
emotional cholesterol.
I need to exercise
stronger thoughts.
Yeah.
He said that the answer's
in the books anyway.
And they are best-sellers,
so, you know...
I think he was trying
to tell me something.
You know, this is funny.
He said that crazy people,
they don't look any
different than normal people.
You know, they don't
walk around on
the streets wearing their
pajamas.
They look like you and me.
And they're at our
job and in our home
and in our family.
I get these headaches.
Uh-huh.
And they just don't go away.
It's like, you know,
like you've taken a big slug off a
Slurpee and it just stays with me.
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
I'm okay.
I want you to
know that I'm...
I'm looking out for you.
But I could tell
something was wrong.
And I realized,
I was losing my best friend.
Sorry I killed your daddy.
"To whom it may concern... ' '
Dear cruel world...
Ha!
Ah!
Huh.
Oh, God.
Walnut.
Hey, Burt.
It's Detective Rich Holman.
Hey!
Hey, Rich.
How ya doin'?
I'm sorry
if I woke you, Burt.
We're over here in West Adams.
Uniforms responded to a
neighbor's report of a shot fired.
They found a crispy critter
in a garage on the property,
so we're calling in
the county fire investigator.
Looks like tonight, that's
you. And what's your 20?
That's Hotel, Alpha, Romeo...
I got it.
I got it, I got it.
Hey, Burt,
you're gonna love this scene.
What do you mean?
Well, he's still smoking,
if you know what I mean.
You're giving me a boner,
you realize that?
All right, I'm on my way. And don't
touch nothing if you don't have to.
What about my pecker?
You haven't taken your hand off
that since you discovered it.
It's a wonder
you're not blind.
Hey, tell your wife that
I'm sorry if I woke her.
Yeah,
I'll tell her right now.
Hey, sweetheart,
it's Rich Holman.
He said to say he's
sorry if he woke you.
Nothing, man. Flatline. This woman
could sleep in a fucking sawmill.
I'll see you in a few, Burt.
Yeah, I'll be there.
Let's go to work.
Oh, my gosh, come on!
Come on! Hurry.
Ah! Showtime.
Oh, God. Okay.
Oh, my.
Oh.
This must be what
Switzerland is like.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my.
Oh, pretty lady.
I gotta hide
Olivetti's truck.
How many keys
does the guy got?
What is this thing?
Hey! Hey, white boy!
What you doing, man?
That's a nice truck right
there, you know what I mean?
You're gonna burn out the
clutch if you keep on doing that
and then you're
gonna be damn sorry.
You understand
what I'm saying?
I just want it to go.
It won't go.
Well, is it in gear or what?
I think it was in...
I don't know.
How the hell you
get a truck, man,
you don't know how
to drive it? Huh?
Yeah, can you help
me please, though?
Please?
Yeah. All right.
So...
You're gonna put
your foot on the clutch.
Foot on the clutch.
And you're going to put it
all the way down to the floor.
All right? That's on the
left side of the vehicle...
"Have a nice day. ' '
Hey, Burt.
Yeah.
Good to see ya.
Okay, here's what
we're looking at.
The physical evidence wants
to suggest that the subject
stabbed himself in the chest.
With a screwdriver.
It's a flat-head.
Okay.
He had taped his
hand to the handle
with electrical tape.
Standard grade.
I can see that.
Thank you.
Unsatisfied with that result,
the subject then blew off half
his face using this shotgun.
Uh-huh.
We called you
because the coup de grce
was he ignited himself
with an accelerant.
Turpentine.
Ah.
He thought better of it and extinguished
the fire using this canister.
Quick thinking
with half a face.
Yes. And it appears he has
an oversized
merkin melted into his
private region.
Merkin?
It's a pubic wig.
Really?
Are they normally worn on
the outside of the pants?
Uh...
Apparently he
left a suicide note.
"Attention, fuckwads.
"You can all suck it. ' '
The subject also
broke into his own garage.
The glass was shattered
inwards. It's a classic B and E.
Oh, it's a classic.
There's one more thing.
What's that?
He's missing a toe.
Really?
Huh.
Suicide, huh?
That's what the physical
evidence wants to suggest.
Suicide.
By the way,
how's the wife, Burt?
She's fine, thank you.
She's perfect, actually.
Hey, Rich?
Yeah.
Did he have a vehicle?
I mean, there's
nothing in the driveway.
Yeah, we got Olivetti registered
with a Ford pick-up truck.
We just put out an APB.
He also owns an apartment
building not too far from here.
You want me to
follow up on that lead?
What lead?
The one about the merkin.
Yes. Good idea, Officer.
I want you to work
the merkin angle.
Go to the local merkin store,
check out anybody who's bought
a merkin in the last 72 hours.
Check every size,
small, medium, large.
All different kinds of hair, brunette,
blonde, strawberry blonde, redhead.
Different kinds of hair, human
hair, yak hair, doll hair.
Oh, boy.
So, Burt, what do you think?
Locate that Ford pick-up
truck, we have the perpetrator.
Yeah.
What the fuck
do we have here?
Yo, you got a little
car trouble, dawg?
That's some remarkably
shitty-ass driving, yo.
Hey, man,
where you coming from?
Uh, just over there.
Nowhere, really.
Man, look at him, man.
He looks like
a piece of fucking popcorn.
Yo, you are the whitest
motherfucker I've seen in my life!
I am white!
It's true!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit. Hey, man.
Look. Look, dawg!
I know! I know!
I wanna touch it!
I wanna touch it!
Oh!
Hey, man, that's nice. Hey,
that's like your sister's ass, man.
Man, fuck you, motherfucker!
What?
Man, she's only 13!
Hey, man,
shut the fuck up!
Hey, what the fuck
you laughing at, dawg?
Don't fucking
laugh at that shit.
Damn,
I like that watch, dawg.
Yeah,
it's kinda ironic and shit.
My brother Bernard
gave me that watch.
Man, let's take that shit, dawg. No!
What?
Ow!
That's right.
Did that hurt?
Yo, man.
Yo, kick his ass, man.
Did that hurt? Yeah?
How'd that feel? Huh?
Yeah, I get all Bruce Lee!
Oh, that's gotta hurt!
Yeah, what's up, bitch?
What'd you say?
Man, gimme that watch!
No!
Shut up, man! What?
Hmm?
Yeah, that's right.
Hey, man, come on, hurry up.
I'm driving.
No, you ain't driving.
You don't got a license, dawg.
Do you want to
be mentally fit,
and physically strong?
Like me?
Achieving true Brain
Brawn begins when you
understand that
your brain is a muscle
that needs to be toned.
Impure thoughts, all forms
of wrong thinking,
makes your brain slow,
soft, lazy.
One second.
Okay.
Hi, Mom.
What are you doing here?
It's 11:32 in the morning.
I want you to come to church
with me right now.
Are you drunk?
No.
Whatever.
Come with me.
We'll have lunch afterwards. I'll
take you to Chuck E. Cheese's.
I gotta work today.
What, down at
the convenience store?
So you can rent this dump
and buy your drugs?
Well, drugs and
dumps aren't free, Mom.
You have a problem, Thomas.
Really? I have a problem?
So did I...
As you never get
tired of telling me.
But Jesus has
helped me find my way.
Oh, Jesus.
Wasn't it Jesus who said...
Leave Jesus out of this!
I have been to the mountain.
The center of all vortexes!
When you come over,
I feel like I should
line my underpants
with tin foil,
because you're fucking crazy.
The fact is, though, you were
way less perfidious as a drunk
than you are now
as a Christian.
Yes.
I know that.
I was a terrible mother.
And now I blame myself for
the way you're living now.
I am fine.
Those boys you
smoke dope with,
they're not
your friends, Thomas.
Those whores you commune with,
they don't love you.
Nobody cares
about you like I do.
You're my son.
You are a part of me.
You came out of my hoo-ha.
Mom, I know you're trying to connect
with me when you say stuff like that,
but it's fucking disgusting.
Listen, Mom,
can I ask you a question?
You can ask me anything.
Can I borrow 20 bucks?
No.
Great Gatsby! What was that?
It's just the fat hermit next
door blowing his fucking alphorn.
This is an asylum!
Freak!
...your mind
to function at its
maximum potential
of mental fitness,
come down to my life-changing,
three-day seminar.
Learn my principles
and you, too, can attack
your life with
true Brain Brawn!
Where are your clothes?
"Albert Olivetti
"of 1444 Harvard Boulevard...
"Missing Ford pick-up truck...
"Autopsy report...
"Death ruled suspicious. ' '
"No
"envelope
"from
"Bernard. ' '
Bernard!
He never misses a day.
Except for Sundays.
Of course.
And holidays.
Yes, of course. I'm speaking
specifically of regular mail days.
He's never missed
a regular mail day.
I know.
Well,
what do you think's wrong?
Something. Something is wrong.
This is the first day
he's missed in almost a year.
Well, what are you
gonna do about it?
Franklin,
what are you gonna do?
Franklin,
Franklin, Franklin. Franklin!
Go to the psych center.
I can't. He left specific
instructions. Fuck that.
Bernard was emphatic.
Fine. Don't go.
You don't think I should?
No. I can drive there if I want to.
I can do what I want.
Don't be crazy!
Don't go! Franklin!
I'm going.
Um...
I'm...
I'm here to visit a resident.
What's the name?
Franklin.
First name?
Franklin.
Okay,
then what's the last name?
Oh, Franklin.
"Franklin Franklin"?
Franklin Franklin.
Look, sir, we do not have a resident
here named Franklin Franklin.
I know this off
the top of my head.
Oh, no, no,
I'm Franklin Franklin.
Then who are you here to see?
Oh, Franklin.
There's another
Franklin Franklin?
Bernard Franklin.
He's my brother.
Right. One moment.
Mr. Franklin?
Mrs. Baker.
Mr. Franklin, do you mind
if I call you Franklin?
No.
Please have a seat.
Franklin, I'm afraid that I
have some very difficult news.
Bernard's dead.
Yes.
Who informed you of this?
Well,
I asked to see my brother,
they show me
into a private room,
you tell me you have
difficult news, I mean...
Well, I'm very sorry
for your loss, Franklin,
but as you know,
Bernard was very sick.
He expired from a hemorrhage
as a result of his brain tumor.
Brain tumor?
Yes, his brain.
You didn't know?
Bernard was diagnosed very
soon after he arrived here,
and the tumor was inoperable.
I assumed that you two spoke.
No.
I didn't...
I mean, so he wasn't...
He...
Why didn't somebody
tell me he was sick?
I'm very sorry that he didn't
share this information with you
but Bernard was
a voluntary resident here,
and the laws that protect
patient confidentiality...
Voluntary?
This is not a prison,
Franklin.
It's a hospital.
Very few of our patients
are committed by the state.
You mean he could have left
here any time he wanted?
Yes.
He took a walk every day until
the tumor impaired his mobility.
Where did he go?
Just around the neighborhood,
I would suppose.
Many of our residents like to
go to the movies or the
library or the bowling alley.
Bowling alley?
Yes, we have a very nice one
just around the corner.
Franklin, I have some
paperwork that I need
you to sign,
if you don't mind.
This one right
here and this one.
And also, Bernard wanted me to
make sure that I gave you this.
I want to see Bernard.
I want to see my brother.
Absolutely.
A brain tumor.
Just like Mom.
"Cancer of the noggin,"
she called it.
Remember?
You kept some secrets,
Bernard.
Well, guess what?
You're not
the only one with secrets.
I killed my landlord.
I killed my landlord.
He wanted the rent.
It was overdue,
like it always is, and,
I didn't have it.
Open up.
Oh, my!
We need to talk.
Mr. Olivetti,
I wasn't expecting you today.
Open up the door.
What the hell is going on?
You like this? Huh?
This? You like this picture?
Yes, very much, actually.
How much you like it?
I like it a whole lot.
In fact, that was given to
me by my brother, Bernard.
Did he, now?
Yeah, I don't care.
Mr. Allspice has
been complaining again.
He says you've been blowing
this thing all hours.
Not all hours. I blow it at 7:00
a. m. You know what he wants to do?
He wants to shove this
horn right up your ass.
Should I tell him you
might like it or what?
Fuck.
You wanna play a game? Huh?
I'm not in the mood
of a playing a game.
And you are two months
behind with your rent.
Do you have the money?
I never have it.
Okay,
then you know the routine.
Put some mustard on it.
Pretend it's a pickle.
There you have it.
What's the hold up, cupcake?
Ah.
Do you know what I think about
when I'm doing that, Bernard?
I think about Switzerland.
I imagine
I'm really blowing
my mighty alphorn.
We need to talk.
Not with your mouth full.
Come on.
I said,
we need to talk.
Whoa!
Mr. Olivetti?
Are you all right?
I cannot move my arms,
my legs.
You are so fucked.
It was an accident.
You're going to jail for this.
I'll make sure of it.
I was gonna
smash his face in!
He just stopped breathing.
I would've killed him, though.
I was willing.
And that's what
matters, right?
What have you left
me this time, brother?
Another mystery?
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Hey...
Fuck!
Hey. Easy, easy, easy.
What the fuck, dude?
You live here?
I ain't done nothing.
I didn't say that you did.
What's your name?
Tommy.
What are you, a cop?
No, no. I'm a fire
investigator, so you can relax.
I just want to ask you
a few questions about
your landlord,
Albert Olivetti.
He's supposed to
come by and fix my sink.
I haven't seen him.
Well, I would hire
a plumber if I were you
because he died in
a fire last night.
Is he okay?
No, he's dead.
Dude.
That's fucked up.
Who are your neighbors
in this building?
There's an old bellicose fart
up in 244 named Mr. Allspice.
The guy next door to me, in 240, what
can I say? He's a fucking whack job.
Really? How so?
Well, he's always blowing on
this humongous horn.
You know the ones from
the cough drop commercials?
He's always parading around
in his tighty-whiteys.
Him and the landlord, man...
I don't know.
You don't know what?
Ever since he moved in,
he's had something
weird going on
with the landlord.
You know, come rent time, his
apartment's always Olivetti's first stop,
if you know what I mean.
No, I don't know what you mean.
So why don't you enlighten me?
Forget it.
I don't know nothing.
And I haven't seen nothing.
Nothing at all?
I know one thing.
What's that?
Olivetti was an asshole and the
world's a better place without him.
Look, I gotta go to work.
Are we good?
Mmm-hmm.
So what's gonna happen with this
building now that Olivetti's dead?
This shithole?
The city will blow it up.
Standard procedure.
All right.
Everybody's
a fucking comedian.
Motherfucker.
Hey.
Hey, how you doing?
Smoke and turpentine?
Is that what you smell?
Ooh.
That's pickle juice.
Fuck you.
Merkins.
Hey, Burt,
what do you got?
Hey.
Anything on the autopsy yet?
Not yet.
Ford truck?
No. Nothing yet.
All right, listen,
I need a search warrant
at the Marlton property.
Apartment 240.
The tenant is
a Franklin Franklin.
Say that again, Burt.
I got Franklin twice.
Yeah, that's his name.
Franklin Franklin.
I'm reading it
right off his mail.
What do you got
going over there, Burt?
I'll call you
later with the details.
I gotta get
the hell outta here.
Yeah? Where are you?
In the apartment.
Jesus Christ.
Good job, Franklin.
You solved my little riddle.
I'm very proud of you.
Unfortunately,
I'm also very dead.
Which is good
news and bad news.
On the downside, you are now
alone in the world.
I know it's probably felt
like that for a while, but,
now it's official.
On the bright side,
now that I'm dead, I can
finally tell you the truth.
You remember,
years ago when I did that
audit for the distillery
down in Kentucky?
They say when bourbon ages, about two
percent of it evaporates each year.
They call it
"the angel's share. "
And since Weiner and Fish always
overbill our clients anyway,
I figured I could
skim the excess
and call it "the
Bernard share. "
Not a lot, but not a little.
And it added up fast.
To the tune of over 800 grand.
Look.
I would've told you about it,
but then came the headaches,
and the mood swings.
I had no control over
what I might do or say.
Where is it?
Dr. Mennox!
Where is it?
Where is it? Huh?
Where is it?
You said the answer
was in your books.
I read your books,
I read every one of them.
I didn't find anything. There's
nothing there. Tell me where it is.
The answer to what?
You know what
I'm talking about!
You know what answer I'm talking
about! Just tell me where it is.
I'm looking for the answer.
You said it was in there!
This man is clearly insane!
Come on.
Shit! Fuck!
So I checked myself
into the psych center.
Open the envelope.
There's 10,000 bucks in there.
And there's plenty more
where that came from.
There's also a passport
with a picture.
Happy birthday,
Mario Cardone
of Philadelphia, PA.
Oh, and whatever you do, don't
lose that little slip of paper.
That's the password sequence
to your new Swiss bank account.
I stole the money
from Weiner and Fish
because they
didn't deserve it.
But Franklin, I wasn't
destined to enjoy it, either.
You know
how Moses was
good enough to lead
the Israelites out
of the wilderness,
but he wasn't fit to
enter the promised land?
Well, you're like the ancient
Hebrews, Franklin,
and now I have led you out of
the bondage that is L.A.
Listen, Frank. I mean...
Mr. Mario Cardone
of Philadelphia, PA,
this money, this opportunity,
this is my
parting gift to you.
I'm fulfilling
my promise to Mom
and closing all accounts.
Make a fresh start,
little brother.
I'm not holding
you back anymore.
Go find your happiness.
Hello.
I don't know you.
Well, now you do. I'm Burt
Walnut. I'm a fire investigator.
You Mr. Allspice?
What do you want?
I'd like to ask you a few
questions about your landlord,
Albert Olivetti,
if you don't mind.
Come on.
Do I smell turpentine?
Wow. You're really good.
You're some fucking
great investigator.
See,
I clean my brushes with it.
Look, what do
the cops want with Albert?
I'm not a cop.
I'm a fire investigator.
Well, apparently there's no fire
here, so what is it that you want?
Well, I...
I'm sorry to inform
you that Albert Olivetti
died in a fire last
night at his home.
Is he all right?
No. He's dead.
Were you friends?
His wife died about
the same time mine did. And...
So we knew each other
You know, this was all
supposed to be temporary.
You know, I sold the house
when my wife died.
I could've gone anywhere.
You know, Florida, Hawaii.
Wherever.
I came here.
Then I realize I've been in
this same fucking apartment
for 13 years.
I do the
same thing every day.
I take this walk down to the
corner to the Chinese restaurant.
I come back here and I eat my
chicken fried rice every day.
In this shitbox.
Hey, what the fuck
did you want anyway?
Well... I'm sorry.
Who are you avoiding?
Your wife or your mistress?
I said, who are you avoiding?
Your wife or your mistress?
Huh?
Wife.
Something she did
or something she didn't do?
Someone she did.
Someone? That's a big one.
Yeah, that is a big one.
Well, was it a "one and
done" kinda deal? One of them?
She swears.
Personally, I'd forgive her.
Really?
Look,
you're not
a young buck anymore.
Living alone, as you can
tell, is not terrific.
When was the last time
you saw him? Saw who?
Olivetti.
I didn't see him exactly, but
I knew he was in there because,
lot of noise, they were banging around
like a couple wolverines wrestling.
But then last night,
I see that,
that moron, he's packing. He said
he's moving to Sweden or something.
Would you mean Switzerland?
Sweden, Switzerland,
wherever they think
a giant elephant tusk
is a musical instrument.
I don't know. Look, you're the
investigator, you investigate.
Okay.
What the fuck
does it mean, anyway?
All right, listen,
you've been a big help.
It's all bullshit.
So, thank you.
Thanks, dude.
Tommy.
Hey, Simone.
Do you remember
what day it is today?
Today.
Me.
I'm leaving.
Oh, right. Yeah.
'Tis that season again.
The Sisterhood of
the Traveling Panties.
You and your buddy,
headed to Vegas.
Good luck with that, Simone.
You don't believe I'd get hired by
the first dance club I walk into?
First of all, unless you
call it what it really is,
a strip club, AKA titty bar,
maybe you're
not ready to grind
your bare ass against
some old pervert yet.
You know, I'm not saying you
can't. I'm just saying if you do,
you're gonna be "that girl. ' '
What girl?
"That girl. ' '
What girl? That girl
whose mom had her at 15
and won't let her date because she
doesn't want to be a grandma at 30.
That girl who uses
sex on all the boys
like her pussy's
some universal remote,
and then thinks we're assholes
when all we wanna do is bang her.
You know, there's 10 of these
chicks in every strip club
like mass-produced
Barbie dolls.
Except for they don't come
with a Malibu Dream House.
They come with
stretch marks and STDs.
Is that your goal, Simone?
What are you, a psychiatrist?
You're a fucking pothead,
Tommy!
Yeah, a pothead who's five credits
away from his degree in psychology.
Why don't you finish?
Because I don't
wanna be "that guy. ' '
At least I have a plan.
What is your big goal?
All I see is a stoner who
works in a convenience store.
In
a convenience-based society.
I am at
the center of the action.
I have goals and I accomplish
something every day.
What are you going to do? Twirl your
titties for some Asian businessman?
Good plan.
Fuck you, Tommy.
Jerk off.
Come on, Simone.
I'm just jagging you.
Fuck you.
Walnut. Coroner gave me a preliminary.
Oh, this should be
interesting. Shoot.
Report says massive trauma
delivered beneath victim's chin
enough to snap
his neck, I guess,
and to the rear of
the victim's skull.
Puts time of death around
Medical examiner's conclusion,
homicide by
blunt force trauma.
Ouch.
Let me ask you something.
This trauma,
could it be caused by
something like a horn?
A horn? Like a trumpet?
Yeah.
Louis Armstrong killed him.
Louis Armstrong?
The first guy on the moon?
What, do you mean
like a French horn?
No. Like a horn.
Like a long horn.
Like the kind the guys with the
short pants play in the Alps.
You know, in the mountains.
They use them to sell
cough drops. A horn.
Cough drops? What the
fuck are you talking about?
What the fuck are
you guys talking about?
Never mind.
I got a present for you.
What's her name?
Search and seizure.
Hello, sweetheart.
Which one is it?
Yeah, you can
smell it from here.
Come on, man.
S'up?
What's up?
Let me get those
Bilson Menthols. Hard pack.
All right.
Come on, focus, man.
Let's go.
Put all the money on the
counter, man! Do it now!
Yeah, yeah!
Dude...
Just do it, man!
Don't fuck with me!
Yeah, don't fuck
with him! Shit!
Fuck!
Get the money, fuckface!
The money!
The money, fuckface!
Grab the fucking money! Fuck!
Just give me a second
to capitulate, man!
All of it, man! Pull out the
tray, shithead! All of it!
Lift up the tray, shithead! Come
on, man, we ain't fucking around.
Fuckface, let's go!
Come on, man, the money!
Fuckface, shit, fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Is someone back there?
No.
Tommy!
Hey.
You're okay.
I'm sorry I made fun of you.
Shut up, okay?
Whatever your
dream is, that's okay.
Tommy,
you shut up about that.
Okay? You shut up.
You just have to breathe.
Why'd he have to shoot me?
Just breathe.
I want my mama.
I know.
I know.
Help's on the way, okay?
It's okay.
You're gonna be okay.
Don't be sorry.
Oh! Guess who?
It's the cousin fucker.
Yep. She's fucking my own
cousin. Do you believe this?
You probably do
because you're a dog.
That's what dogs do,
they fuck their own cousins.
That's why they're dogs.
They don't know.
Did you ever ask when you're sniffing
around an ass, "Hey, are you my cousin?"
You don't.
You just fuck away.
You're a cute little guy.
You want some? Come on,
don't make me drink alone.
Come on.
How'd he do?
Number one and number two.
I'm so fucking jealous.
That's a good boy.
Whoever he is.
You all right, Burt?
Yeah.
Good boy.
What kind of man
abandons his dog?
Okay. That's a good boy.
You wanna go home, huh?
Okay. Yeah, I got it.
What's with all
the police cars
in the neighborhood?
What's going on?
There was a shooting at that
convenience store down the block.
DOA.
Victim was this
guy's neighbor.
A Thomas Balisteri.
I spoke to him this afternoon.
That goddamn phone has been
ringing non-stop. Jesus.
He's an old-timer.
We should check on him.
Come here, boy.
Yeah. What?
I don't want this.
You got him?
Yeah. Hold on.
Mr. Allspice?
It's Burt Walnut.
Mr. Allspice?
Mr. Allspice?
Hey, Burt.
Mr. Allspice?
Mr. Allspice?
He's dead.
It looks like he decided to
take every pill in the apartment.
This one's for foot fungus.
Yeah, he was a sad guy.
He all right?
No. He's dead.
Hey, we got a lead on that
missing vehicle. We gotta go.
Where's the dog?
I stuck him in the other room.
Hey, you guys will call this in,
right? I'll stay here for the EMT.
Come on.
The fucking dog
pissed on my shoe.
Like my name's Dirty Harry.
Yo, man.
Oh, shit, man!
All right.
You got it?
Be down in a minute.
Hey, Dan?
Yeah?
Let me ask you something.
Why do you put
so much effort into saving
a life that you
know is already over?
I mean,
why do you do that?
I mean, nothing's
over until it's over.
Yeah, but this was over.
This guy was dead.
Nah...
I mean, the way I see it...
It ain't over until I quit.
If I try everything I got and
nothing works, then all right.
Then it's over.
But...
You gotta try.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I do.
All right, lock it up.
See ya.
Take it easy, Burt.
It's all bullshit.
It's all bullshit.
It's all bullshit.
That's not bullshit.
Walnut.
You were right.
About what?
We located Olivetti's Ford
truck and guess what?
We definitely have found our
perpetrators. Couple of real mooks.
Wait, hold on.
Same caliber as the slugs found
in the convenience store homicide.
The vehicle is registered
to Albert Olivetti.
Great.
Maybe now you can stand down
on that merkin angle, huh?
Check.
So these are the guys, Burt. We've
got 'em driving the landlord's truck,
and they used his weapon to commit
the convenience store homicide.
It's a slam dunk. I'll call
you back with the details.
You two fuckholes are in
a shitload of trouble.
Hello?
Hello, Mr. Allspice.
This is Franklin Franklin,
your neighbor.
Franklin. Hello, Franklin.
Wait.
You're not Mr. Allspice.
No, my name is Burt.
I'm a friend of Mr. Allspice.
A friend?
Allspice has a friend?
Yeah, I...
I came by to visit him.
He went out to get some chicken
fried rice for the two of us.
You know, for a change.
Can you relay
a message to him?
I would really appreciate it
if he would look after my dog.
Tell him my door is unlocked.
His food is on the...
Franklin, why don't you tell me
where you are, and I can
bring your dog to you?
His food is on the floor
and he eats twice a day.
Look, I know Mr. Allspice
really hates my alphorn,
but I don't think he has
anything against my dog...
Franklin, I would really like
to get some contact information.
I mean, what if something
happens to the dog?
You'd like to know,
wouldn't you?
Franklin?
Franklin?
Franklin?
I'm here.
I'm sorry to be
the one to bring you some
bad news, but your landlord,
Mr. Olivetti,
was murdered.
But, Franklin,
they caught the two
guys who killed him.
Two young punks
driving around in
Olivetti's truck.
They thought that they could get
away with it. Can you imagine that?
And from what I hear,
this Olivetti was a bad guy.
Some might say that
he had it coming to him.
Do you understand what
I'm saying to you, Franklin?
I'm hanging up now.
Franklin, no, Franklin. Wait,
I have one last question.
I'm here.
What's the dog's name?
Bernard.
His name is Bernard.
Enjoy the Alps.
Franklin,
what are we so scared of?
You only get one
shot at this life.
There are no do-overs.
Time wasted is time lost.
The past is a ghost,
the future a dream.
There is only right now.
We need to forgive
each other, Franklin.
Forgive and keep
moving forward,
because we're all so
ridiculously imperfect.
And we need to find
a place we call home.
A place where we know
we're loved and we feel safe.
I see it all so clearly now.
It doesn't matter if you
live in a small apartment
or some big mansion
on a hill.
It doesn't matter if you live
in a mental institution
or on some sunny
beach in St. Croix.
It's all in your mind.
Every moment of your life
is what you make it.
Pain,
love,
fear,
happiness.
You choose to
feel each of them.
So choose to be happy,
Franklin.
Choose to be happy.
Because happiness
is a state of mind.
Come on, Bernard.
All right, come on.
I got a dog.
Ahh!