Charlie.
Not again.
Come back to bed, baby.
I gotta go to work and you snoozed
on my alarm. I'm gonna be late.
Yeah, well, you peed on me,
so I guess we're even.
I have a weak bladder.
I can't go to work like this.
You work from our kitchen.
Yeah, but my real job is to change the sheets.
Oh, why is it coffee tastes
so much better when you make it?
Because I make it with love.
And I also make it with bacon.
All right, guys.
If I were to add a C to this word...
...what word would I have?
-I know. I know.
-I know.
A lot of hands, I like it.
How about Hillary?
What do you got for me?
-Can.
-Can is correct.
Hillary, you won
an all-expense-paid trip...
...to the dry-erase board.
Come on. Have at it.
There's a washer-dryer combo in it.
Let's see what you got.
Beautiful C.
Come on, everybody, cheer her on.
That's just-- That's just good stuff.
All right, what's next?
Let's try another one. Okay.
Who's got another letter we can use
to make a word here?
Who's got it? Who's got it?
I'm coming for you, Ramon Martinez.
What do you got?
-P.
-P is an excellent choice.
And what would that spell?
-Pan?
-Pan is correct, everybody.
All right, come on down, Ramon.
You got this. You can do it.
I believe in you.
Come on. Let's see what you got.
To the board. Put it there.
Okay, this is very exciting.
Look.
Oh, just beautiful penmanship by the--
Oh, God. I'm so sorry, you guys.
I'm so sorry you had to see that.
-Oh, my God.
-Miss Hannah.
Are you pregnant?
What?
My mommy threw up
when she was pregnant with my sister.
Are you pregnant?
Are you?
Yes.
Hello in there, you.
I felt you moving.
Vice Principal Davies will be able
to look after your class for the day...
...so that's one less thing
to think about.
I just feel awful for letting that happen
in front of the kids, you know.
Well, don't worry about it.
Kind of comes with the territory.
And those kids, they're pretty tough.
I'm sure they've seen plenty worse.
You know, I was never able
to have a child of my own and so....
Well, now I have about 200 of them.
Be careful what you wish for, right?
I'm so curious to know how it is for you
and how you're feeling--
-Oh, you know--
-And how excited you must be.
It's--
I mean, it's hard to explain exactly...
-Yeah.
-...how it is, but--
It's a responsibility, isn't it?
Probably the biggest responsibility
that we have.
There's a....
Thank you.
Hang on. Hang on one second.
Everybody, please be good.
Is everything okay, Mrs. Hannah?
I just feel really embarrassed, but....
I feel a lot better
and I wanted to thank you, so....
Well....
I know you were drinking this morning.
I saw you.
What? No, no. What--?
Drinking when you're pregnant
is really dangerous.
I know that.
I'm not actually pregnant.
-What?
-It's just-- I'm really hung over.
And the kids started asking me
questions and I threw up and I just--
I....
Okay.
That's....
That's not good.
I know. I know.
Please. Please don't say anything.
Just go home.
Get some sleep.
Next up, we've got Kate.
You got this!
You gotta be cruel to be kind
In the right measure
Cruel to be kind
It's a very good sign
Cruel to be kind
Means that I love you
Baby
You got to be cruel to be kind
Well, I do my best
To understand dear
But you still mystify
And I want to know why
Ooh, ooh, ooh
-Yes.
-Yes.
Oh, it just fades out.
Yeah!
Okay.
Who's next?
Your turn.
Baby.
-Hey.
-That was great.
-You sound like an angel.
-Oh, really?
A drunk, drunk, drunk angel.
If you were gonna write about me,
what would you say?
I would say that I have the sexiest...
...most amazing wife on the planet.
The entire planet.
Oh, and it'd be such a shitty article
and nobody would read it.
I gotta go. I got work to do.
You boys have fun.
-Goodbye. I love you.
-Bye.
Goodbye. I love you.
Hey, are you okay?
You know what, girl? I am not okay.
-You're not?
-No.
My bitch sister just-- She just took off
and left me here to go hook up...
...with this asshole.
And now I don't have a car.
I don't have a ride.
-I don't know what to do.
-Man.
I mean, I guess--
You could give me a ride?
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
I was gonna say call you a cab.
I don't know you.
No, no, no.
No, I-- It's very close.
Please?
You know, you shouldn't drink and drive.
-I wasn't--
-I'm just kidding.
Can I have a sip?
I'm so thirsty.
It's whiskey, so....
Fuck, yeah, it's whiskey.
I fucking love whiskey.
You are a hardcore drinking bitch like me.
I don't know about that.
I don't know.
You're such a cute little bitch.
Thank you.
Hey, can I smoke in the car?
Okay. Yeah, that's fine.
Can you just roll the window down?
Of course. I'm not uncivilized.
What--? That's not what I thought
you were talking about.
I wanna see
The bright lights tonight
Do you want a hit?
Oh, what is it? Is it pot?
Of course not.
Do I look like a hippie? It's crack.
Oh, shit.
-Shit.
-No, no, no. It's good crack. It's good.
-I have never done crack before.
-Really?
It is amazing.
It's gonna sober your butt up too.
-Just take a hit.
-All right. Okay, one puff.
You're so smart.
You're really a wise girl.
I need to spend some money
And it just won't wait
Take me to the dance
And hold me tight
I wanna see
The bright lights tonight
I feel like I know
what it's like to be homeless.
If you saw me, you didn't know me,
we hadn't connected tonight...
...you might think, "There goes
some upper-class, NPR-listening...
...lazy, liberal, self-congratulatory,
never-been-through-anything--"
And it's not true. I grew up poor.
Single mother. Single mother.
There was this thing at McDonald's.
They'd sell 29-cent hamburgers,
...and we would go there
and she would buy 20 of them.
That was the limit.
People like us, we'd put them in a freezer.
And, yeah, I had a weight issue in high school.
I did, I admit that. But when I started
drinking, I stopped eating so much.
What I'm saying is that you and me--
You and me, we are not that different.
It's okay. Go to sleep. It's fine.
-It's okay. It's okay.
-Oh, babe.
I'm so glad you're okay.
Listen....
I don't think I can do this anymore.
I think I need to slow down.
-Yeah?
-And...
...I might need help.
Hey.
I'll help you.
Yeah.
All right, I'm gonna tell you something.
But you have to promise
not to tell anybody, okay?
Okay. I promise.
I'm serious. Not even your brother.
Of course. What?
Last night, I ended up...
...kind of...
...smoking crack.
Wait. What?
There was this drunk girl
outside the bar. She needed help.
She needed a ride. I didn't know--
I ended up smoking crack.
Wait, wait, wait.
How does that even happen?
I mean, so you give someone a ride
and she rewards you with crack?
She seemed desperate, okay?
She's-- She needed a ride home.
Where? Where does she live?
Downtown. I think she....
Maybe she lived in a tent.
I don't know.
-What?
-I don't know.
She might have been homeless.
She might have been a prostitute.
Hey. Okay.
I'm just playing devil's advocate.
Maybe it's the crack smoking...
...you need help with
and not the drinking.
I'm just saying.
Well, the drinking is what led
to the crack smoking.
And the drinking is what leads
to everything stupid that I do.
Charlie....
Look, okay, we'll just....
We'll just chill out on the drinking, okay?
We'll just be, you know,
wine-with-dinner people.
Yeah?
-We're good.
-Are we good?
-We're good. Go, go, go.
-Coming.
I want some gummy bears on a snow cone.
Okay, I'll find you one.
That's a clown, babe.
-That was a clown. Did you see that?
-It's a clown, babe.
-Watch out for the crack.
-Where? What crack?
Oh, I thought there was a crack
next to--
I don't know.
You must have smoked it.
Oh, you're so funny. You're so--
I was drunk, okay?
Get over it, Charlie.
Well, maybe you should go to one
of those-- You know, those meetings.
Remember when I went in there?
-Stole one of those Q&A pamphlets.
-Holy shit, yes.
And then we answered all the questions "yes"...
...and at the end, it said, "If you
answered these questions 'yes'...
...you might be an alcoholic."
-Hey, let's drink the tequila.
-Yes. I want some margaritas.
-Oh, you didn't.
-I did.
-I'm gonna get you.
-No.
-Yeah?
-No. No. No!
Charlie.
Come on, Charlie. Come on.
Come on.
-What's happening?
-You almost fell asleep.
-Don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep.
-Yeah. No. I'm not, I'm not.
Okay. Okay.
Hi.
What?
-Hi.
-Hi.
I can't sell you these.
-Sorry, I can't.
-Why? Why? Oh, you can't tell I'm 21?
Come on. Come on,
I'm in here all the time. You know me.
Yeah, I know you and I like you.
But I can't sell you these
because it's too late.
Oh, well, we can just pretend
it's before 2, right?
Look. Look, it's only 1:45.
-Stop. Stop.
-It's totally fine.
-Come on, man, it's just a little wine.
-Seriously, it's not gonna happen.
I'm not even driving or anything.
Come on.
And you know what?
If you give it to me, I'll let you have a sip.
Gonna let you have a sip.
As enticing as that is, it's the law.
And I can't sell you alcohol after 2 a.m.
And you know this.
Then why don't you just give it to me, okay?
Like a friend, a gift for a friend.
And that won't hurt anybody.
Because I don't wanna lose my job.
You, hey.
You. You. You distract him, okay?
Kate, why don't you get, like, a bottle
of water or a coffee or something?
-Water or coffee.
-Yeah.
Really? Really?
Because I won't suck your dick?
-Okay, you gotta go.
-Fuck you.
-No, that's enough. You gotta go.
-Fuck you, okay?
This is bullshit. So fuck you.
Oh, I have to pee.
-Kate. Kate.
-Oh, I have to pee.
Where are you going?
Shit. Come on, Kate.
Oh, it's locked. It's locked.
-What the fuck are you doing?
-Sorry. I just--
I have to pee really, really bad sometimes.
Just go, please.
Holy shit.
You seriously just pissed the floor?
Out.
Kate. What--? No. Hey, hey, hey!
Is everything okay with you?
I don't know.
No.
I mean...
...I puked in front of bunch of little kids
and told everybody I'm pregnant, so....
Yeah, I don't think that's really okay, is it?
No, I don't think so.
I normally...
...don't tell people I work with
about this...
...but I'm a bit of an expert
when it comes to these things.
-You?
-Yeah, me.
I've lived a strange one.
I'm nine years sober, AA and NA.
I used to drink cocaine.
It's really cheap in the Philippines.
Listen, Kate...
...I know meetings are weird.
Especially at first.
But if you want to--
I mean, you never need to feel like you have to.
But the ones I go to are pretty small,
nice little groups.
So I'd be happy to take you.
No pressure, okay?
That shit saved my life though.
-Patricia.
-Oh, well, hello, Dave.
What are you up to today, or dare I ask?
No good as usual.
I'm off to watch Miss Carol's art class
make some macaroni art.
-Pretty stoked.
-Oh, Dave.
-Have a nice day, ladies.
-All right.
-Hey, Kate, I got you something.
-Hey.
Yeah. Look at this.
-OJ. Folic acid.
-Right, right.
You need this right now.
It's very important for that baby.
Boy. Well, your mom must be
just about over the moon right now.
I bet she's home making baby clothes
and planning a shower and--
Oh, my mom and I
aren't really that close, so....
Oh, you're not close with your mom?
-Nope.
-I'm sorry.
But you know what? Guess what's
gonna bring you closer together again.
-What?
-This baby.
-Hey.
-Hey.
How was your day?
What's that smell?
It was all right.
Oh, sorry, I made ketchup soup.
Charlie, you have to eat.
What?
It was tasty.
Hey, so I'm gonna go see that band
from Iceland--
You know, with the triplets.
--play tonight.
You wanna go with me and Owen?
Sounds like a lot of fun, but....
Come on, it will be fun. Look, I'm
supposed to review the show for work.
Yeah, it's....
This guy that I work with,
Mr. Davies....
-The vice principal?
-Yeah, he--
It turns out that he's sober
and he invited me to a meeting.
That's-- That's cool.
-Hey. Good.
-Hey.
So this is much more my speed.
I can assure you,
no one here is the slightest bit hip.
And I actually looked at this dog with
the intention of trying to explain it...
...and then realized
there was no way...
...that I could get it
through this dog's brain that he--
That what I was doing
was in his best interest...
...even though he couldn't understand
and that his brain was too small.
And when I got home, both sets were in my bag...
...and I wasn't charged for both.
So I sat with it for a while.
And I lost sleep over it
because I didn't pay for it...
...and this is a program of honesty.
All I knew about taking care of myself
was fucking people over...
...lying to get by.
I had no idea
how to even look for a normal job...
...or pay my bills on time.
Hell, pay my bills at all.
Now I pay my bills online.
Yep.
I found a love in cooking.
I have my own catering business now.
And maybe I have replaced alcohol
with chocolate-chip cookies...
...and vanilla wafers,
banana pudding...
...doughnuts,
jelly doughnuts to be specific...
...potato salad, shawarma...
...and nacho cheese.
Y'all know what I'm talking about.
-I kind of like her.
-It's been years....
-You don't like her?
-I like her.
Oh, you do? Sponsor potential.
Get her number at the break.
But I'm glad.
-You're kind of like my wingman.
-But I have my wounds.
From now on, I'm going to enjoy my doughnuts.
I prefer them over hangovers.
We'll now have a 10-minute break.
-I just-- I really liked your speech.
-Oh, thank you, honey.
All that dumb shit happened, so now
I'm glad it's at least entertaining.
-What's your name?
-Kate.
This is my first time at one of these things.
I mean, at least it's my first time
that I'm not wasted, so....
Yeah. I remember doing
some of that myself.
I'm sorry, I don't really know how this works.
Could I get your number?
I don't know if I'll need it, I just--
Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.
I'll be happy to explain it all to you.
And we can also just talk.
Cool.
Look, this is the kind of meeting
where anyone can share.
Sharing always helps me...
...so try introducing yourself
to the group.
I'm Kate.
I'm an alcoholic.
-Hi, Kate.
-Hi, Kate.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh.
Those words are weird.
I mean, I guess I--
Yeah. I don't know if I'm an alcoholic,
really. I drink a lot.
And I've always drank a lot.
Everyone I know drinks a lot.
So I never really thought it was a problem.
But lately, it kind of seems like it is, so....
I wanna be able to have a beer
without it turning into 20...
...or wetting the bed.
It seems like every time I drink,
something awful happens...
...and all the things
that used to be funny...
...are not really funny anymore...
...and things have gone
from embarrassing to scary, so....
So, yeah, I'm kind of--
I'm kind of scared.
I think we're four seconds in--
I'm in sixth place.
I'm making my move.
I'm getting serious now.
I'm getting serious.
Frightening. It's a story about a--
Perfect, we're not.
Kate, alcoholic.
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
Here we are.
Excuse me.
I am really proud of you, Kate.
God.
I think the longest time I've been sober...
...since high school was like a week.
My first three months were such hell.
The only reason I think I'm sober today...
...is I just never could fathom
going through that again.
Yeah. It's so hard and weird,
and now that I'm not drinking...
...I have these other problems
I have to deal with.
It takes time, right?
My ex-wife, she doesn't drink.
Well, not like us.
As soon as I got sober,
I started to change and she just didn't.
I didn't know you were married.
Yeah.
I was married once, in my other life.
You know, I shouldn't be talking to you
about this stuff.
Why?
I don't know.
Oh, right. Right.
I forgot that men stick with men,
women stick with women.
I don't get all that.
Well, if you were sitting
where I'm sitting, you'd understand.
Are you trying to tell me
you have a crush on me?
What am I, one of your students?
A crush?
Yeah, yeah, a crush.
I kind of do, yeah.
I have a crush on you.
I know that's wrong.
You're newly sober and married.
I shouldn't be thinking about you like that...
...but, yeah.
I should put that out on the table.
Honesty.
Well, it's okay.
You know, I think you're a really nice guy.
Oh, great.
Really nice guys are the nerds
who carry the pretty girls' books.
Oh, come on.
I think you're beautiful.
And smart and sexy and cool.
And I know it's wrong...
...but in meetings...
...I just stare at your lips
and your legs.
And I can't stop thinking
about fucking your moist pussy.
What?
-What? What?
-I don't know why I just said that.
I don't know why you just said that.
Oh, my God.
That was a bad thing to say.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
that was a really bad thing to say.
I am so, so sorry.
I am feeling really confused.
I'm just really not smart at talking to women.
I mean, who says that?
Who says that?
"Fuck your moist pussy"?
Yeah, it sounds bad now when you repeat it.
I'm gonna go inside...
-...where I live with my husband.
-Yeah.
Okay? But thanks...
...for your creepy version of honesty.
I'm sorry.
What, did I--? Did I do something?
No, no. It's....
We don't talk.
Well, we used to.
Yeah, but now you just come home
and go to the meetings.
-By the time you get back, I'm just--
-Kind of drunk?
No, I was just--
I was gonna say tired.
I'm....
I have some things I have to do this weekend...
...and I think I'm gonna go up
to Lake Arrowhead.
To see your mom?
Why?
Do I need a reason?
With your mom?
Kind of.
Yeah.
-Is this the amends step?
-No.
Well, then why are you going?
I just....
We send her checks.
But we don't see her.
I mean, it feels like....
It feels like I'm paying her
not to be in my life.
And I just think it would be nice
to go and see her.
Jenny said it would be a good idea.
-What?
-Nothing.
Now, do you do everything
your sponsor tells you to do?
-No.
-No?
What, you think I can't think for myself?
Of course.
It's just, you know...
...you haven't seen your mom
in a long damn time.
And you didn't listen to me when I suggested...
...that we go visit her, so....
-Baby, I listen to you. I do.
-Yeah.
It's just this feels like the right time.
You know, just with everything
that I'm going through, the changes.
Yeah.
I get it.
Well, do you think I could come with you?
If you come--
-Don't take this the wrong way.
-What?
--I would prefer it if you didn't drink.
Katie.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
I left you a message.
Oh, honey, I don't listen to that.
Hey there, Charlie. How are you?
Hey, Rochelle.
Whoa, this is a surprise.
I can't believe the two of you
came to visit. Hell has frozen over.
Come on.
This calls for a celebration.
Let's have some Bloody Marys.
Come on in.
Water's fine for me, Mom.
You wouldn't believe
how the neighborhood's changed.
When Mr. Baker passed away
and the kids put Mrs. Baker in a home...
...the people that moved in:
There you go. Here, darling.
If you ask me, it's a meth house.
They got these weird little 5-year-old
twins that are playing in the front yard.
But I'm pretty sure they're lookouts.
That's pretty wild, Mom.
Right?
What's the matter, honey?
You think I forgot how to mix them?
Oh, it's just I asked for water.
Please. No means yes where I'm from.
Am I right or am I right?
Well, that's kind of why I came up here, so....
Yeah.
I stopped drinking.
-Okay.
-I did. I really-- I really did.
You bet.
Oh, are you pregnant?
-Mom.
-How exciting.
I'm gonna be a grandma.
Don't believe that thing about
not drinking when you're pregnant.
I mean, I drank plenty with Katie
when I was pregnant.
Mom, I'm not pregnant.
All right?
I stopped because I needed a break.
Well, good, honey, good.
-We'll see how long it lasts.
-Well, it's lasted a while.
You picked a good partner
for this little adventure.
Well, I'm not drinking--
Oh, Charlie, drink if you want, okay?
He didn't stop. I stopped.
I stopped for me.
And I'm going to 12-step meetings.
Oh, God, Assholes Anonymous.
Katie's father went to those meetings
a few years after we got married.
Dried up, left us.
You can see how well that worked out for me.
I raised her all by myself in this palace
while he was off in Florida...
...with his shiny new wife and kids,
the son of a bitch.
Be careful.
They can change, you know.
God, I kind of hoped you'd be happy for me, Mom.
I am, honey, really.
Okay. I'm not being a good hostess.
I'll microwave you your favorite.
Do you wanna change the channel
or do you like these hairdos?
-Stick with hairdos.
-Oh, yeah.
-I had that.
-Did you really?
It was not quite that big,
but it was pretty big.
Me and my Mom used to come here
to Santa's Village...
...every year around Christmas.
It's like the one thing we did together...
...that was actually fun.
Big-ass candy cane.
When you were younger,
did you ever just, like, sneak away...
...with young boys
and, you know, hook up with them...
-...in the woods?
-What?
Surprise!
Oh, my God, look at that expression.
Don't be mad.
I thought this would be good for you.
Listen, everybody here
wants to share in your happiness.
Right, everybody?
-This is-- You shouldn't have, really.
-We did.
Okay.
This is from-- This is from Rhonda.
Okay, Rhonda, let's see what we got.
-Oh, Sad isn't Bad.
-Another one of these.
-Oh, it's the same.
-Oh, hundred percent adorable.
Really pretty, really pretty bag.
Another cute-- Look.
Thank you, Angie.
That is just too cute.
It's so moist.
Kate.
-Kate.
-What?
Listen, I am so, so sorry.
You have no idea how much this is eating me up.
Look, I'm flattered, okay?
I'm flattered that you have feelings
for me, all right?
-But I'm married.
-I know.
Sorry.
I'll apologize to your husband--
No, no, no. It's fine. I didn't tell him.
Just-- You can't--
You can't say that to a girl, ever.
Really, consider it a rule of thumb, all right?
Okay.
Because I'm sure one day
you're gonna meet a nice...
...available lady.
But God, if you ever...
...ever say...to her...
...you will never ever, ever, ever see
that part of her body.
Okay. Okay. Yeah.
Thank you.
I feel like this was a really good talk.
That cake was really moist.
See you later.
No, I'm not a terrible....
You don't wanna get married?
No, fuck that, man.
-Hey.
-Hey.
What's up?
I saw you guys found the cake Jenny and I baked.
Thanks. It was so good, man.
You should go get a slice.
I just thought we could all eat it together.
Oh, I didn't think about that, babe.
I'm sorry.
-Idiot.
-But, I mean...?
-Was it good?
-It was good.
-It was good.
-Good.
It was really good.
Plenty of tequila to make up for the cake.
Dude, you know, she doesn't--
Come on, man, she's in AA.
She hasn't drank in, like, forever.
-Right?
-That sucks.
Do you still smoke weed?
I was never really a big weed smoker, so, no.
Not weed, but...
...crack.
He told me you smoked crack.
Shut the fuck up. Shut up.
-You told me she smoked.
-You smoke crack?
No, no, my wife doesn't smoke crack.
I'm sorry, dude. No, look, she only--
You've only smoked it once, right?
I'm not saying you're a crackhead.
Thanks, Charlie.
-Babe.
-That was a secret, wasn't it?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was drunk.
Great. How about you guys just go
ahead and go on to the bar, all right?
-No.
-Get off me.
-Don't touch me. Don't--
-Hey.
Are you sure you don't want
to just come with me?
No! I don't-- I'm not going.
Get off of me.
You don't have to drink.
I'm sure there's near beer
or something. It'll be-- It'll be fun.
I'm staying in.
-Oh, you're staying in.
-Yeah.
Oh, you're staying in.
That sounds fun.
Bye. Okay, you're going.
-Goodbye.
-Just one.
Babe, come on.
Stop.
Just go, okay?
Just go.
I love you.
Okay.
Three plus four is...?
-Yes?
-Seven.
Nice. Three plus five is...?
Mrs. Hannah,
shouldn't you be more fatter?
What?
Because of the baby.
My mom got real fat.
Well, the correct way
to ask that question would be:
"Shouldn't you be fatter?"
So when you guys are
old and wise second graders...
...you will start learning
about multiplication.
Mrs. Hannah,
shouldn't you be fatter?
Well...
...I'm not gonna have a baby.
Okay, look. Look, I was pregnant...
...and then it turned out it just--
It wasn't my time, I suppose, and--
Mrs. Hannah, did you kill the baby?
What?
No, no. No, of course not.
My mom said if you kill a baby, you go to hell.
And you can't even go to church
to ask God for forgiveness.
Mrs. Hannah, are you going to hell?
No. I did not kill my baby, and--
We should not be talking about this.
Sometimes when a woman is pregnant...
...she stops being pregnant
before it's even a baby.
She stops being pregnant, okay?
-Because a doctor murders it.
-No, not because a doctor murders it.
Okay.
It's called a miscarriage.
And that means....
It wasn't my plan.
It's just what happened, okay?
So does anybody have other questions for me?
All right, let's just get back
to subtraction and addition...
...and all that great stuff.
I gotta say, this is most likely
the most boring meal...
...in the history of our planet, so....
That's exciting.
Right? We should celebrate.
Who are you texting?
Jenny.
Oh, she's like a parole officer, huh?
-She's my sponsor.
-Yeah.
I'm just happy to know
that every little fuck-up I make...
...is gonna become a topic
of conversation with some girl...
...that I don't even know.
Okay, baby...
...how was your day?
I just finished up some work.
And then I met up with Owen...
...and watched the game...
...turned in my story.
You do anything special?
Well...
...I lied to my class again.
I told them I had a miscarriage.
-It's not funny.
-No, it's--
I mean, it's funny.
You know, telling fucked-up things
to kids is always funny.
-You know, in a fucked-up kind of way.
-Well, great.
I'm just glad we're not actually having a baby.
Really, really glad.
Come on, Kate.
It's not that big of a deal.
It's not nothing.
I lied to little kids and to my boss...
...because I can't take responsibility
for my actions.
All right, well, you know,
why don't you do this?
Why don't you go up to the principal and say:
"You know what?
I never actually was pregnant.
And the reason I puked...
...was because I was up all night
drinking."
Would that make you feel better about yourself?
I've thought about it
and I think that it would--
It would make me feel a lot better
about myself. Yeah.
Do it then, you know. Do it.
I mean, I guess you don't need a job.
We can just hang out...
...and make out all the time.
-It'd be awesome.
-No.
God, of course I don't need a job, right?
I could just stay at home, like you, all day...
-...and never do anything responsible.
-I don't ever do anything responsible?
Really? What about, I don't know,
buying this house that we live in?
Charlie.
Having rich parents
doesn't make you responsible, okay?
In fact, I think it's done the opposite.
Oh, I'm sorry for having a family
that supports us.
You know, and not the other way around.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
I'm just saying that you can't be
mad at me for having a family...
...that has helped us out.
You know, you should be grateful
that we don't have to struggle.
Struggle? I wouldn't care
if we had to struggle with money...
...because I have struggled
with money my whole life.
I would rather worry
where my next meal is coming from...
...than in some drunken stupor...
...marry a man who just wants to party
and meet bands.
-What are you talking about?
-About you being a baby!
A selfish baby!
-You know what?
-What?
I fucking hate AA!
It's just-- It's turned you into a bitch.
A brainwashed bitch.
Well, at least I'm not drunk all the time.
Everything is so fucked up right now.
I don't feel normal.
Well, you're not normal.
Most of us aren't.
Okay, not everything is connected
to being an alcoholic.
I'm not just talking about alcoholics.
People are fucking weird.
We all have shit that we carry in our
heads that doesn't make any sense.
At least alcoholics have the tools
to work through it.
Steps.
And talking...
...listening, crying.
Yeah, I have the crying part all worked out.
I know, right?
I think my first year...
...I must have cried tears
I'd been saving since I was like 8.
It's hard to live your life honestly, you know?
Yeah.
I received a call
from a very upset parent and....
Well, that's actually...
...how I found out.
I was surprised that you didn't feel
that you could come to me.
One of the kids asked me why I wasn't
getting fat and then another one...
-...asked me if I killed my baby.
-Gosh.
-I just froze.
-Oh, no.
Oh, my God, well....
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.
That must have been very painful for you.
Oh, my God, I feel awful.
I know this is a hard time,
you have to keep going.
You have to be strong.
I feel so awful.
I can't keep doing this.
If you wanna take a day off,
maybe through the weekend.
No, I need to be honest with you.
Okay.
Principal Barnes...
...I was never pregnant.
But you vomited in class.
I know. I lied. I lied to you.
I lied to the class.
I lied because I was scared...
...and when that happened,
I panicked.
-The truth...
-Oh, my God, Kate.
...is something
that's really hard for....
Are you really sick?
No. No.
What is it?
I'm an alcoholic.
You're--? You're an alcoholic?
I'm an alcoholic, but I'm working on it.
I'm doing the steps and--
When that happened, the night before,
I had been out drinking...
...and I wasn't feeling too well.
And so you--
You vomited in front of children...
...because you were hung over?
Yes.
And then you lied to them
and told them that you were pregnant.
Well, one of the kids asked me
if I was pregnant...
...and, yes,
it just sort of fell out of my mouth.
Oh, naturally, of course.
Well, that makes perfect sense.
I-- I'm not--
I don't even know
what to say, Kate. I'm--
This is sickening.
I'm extremely disappointed in you.
I'm really sorry. I've been wanting
to tell you the truth for a long time.
Okay? Honesty is something
really important to me now...
...and I am going to meetings
and I have a sponsor--
Do you know what you've done?
Do you realize how humiliating this is?
What you've done...
...is completely...
...and utterly irresponsible.
And I'm afraid that I can't have you
here at this school any longer.
What do you need?
Whiskey.
Double.
Can I get another one?
Sure.
Kate?
Kate, are you sure you're gonna be okay?
Oh, you gotta hear this hooked up
to the speakers.
It's insane.
What happened to you?
I'm drunk!
I'm drunk.
-And guess what. I'm fired.
-Oh, no.
I'm fired.
Hey, say, baby,
have we got any drinks in the house?
You know, there's some soda.
Hey, babe, I can make some coffee.
Oh, don't be cute with me.
You know what I mean.
So you're not gonna do
the AA thing anymore, huh?
Baby, what gave that away, huh?
How did you know?
Oh, baby.
Hey, baby, come on.
Baby, let's do some shots.
Come on.
Let's do some shots.
What's going on?
Oh, I am celebrating.
What the fuck does it look like?
Hey.
So, what, are you gonna be
a little girl? You gonna be a girl?
Or are you gonna drink with me?
I don't think this is a good idea, baby.
Having a beer or something is one thing...
...but I think you really may have
a problem, babe.
Well, thank you, baby.
Thank you so much...
...you know, for, like,
being there for me...
...when I was trying to get sober.
Hey, look. Hey, baby, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize.
You didn't realize?
Oh, yeah, you didn't realize.
You know why?
Because you don't fucking care about me.
What are you talking about?
Hey, of course I care about you.
-I love you. I love you.
-I love you.
I love you, but you know what?
Love is the easy part.
Did you know that?
It's the rest of this shit that's hard.
-Hey.
-Come on.
-Wait.
-Take off your pants. Come on, baby.
Come on, let's go.
Come on, Charlie.
-You should get some sleep.
-No, I don't wanna sleep.
I don't wanna sleep. I wanna fuck.
Come on.
-Hey, please. Please, will you just--?
-Come on.
Please.
I don't wanna sleep. I wanna fuck.
Come on.
Babe. Babe, just--
This is weird, okay?
-Just stop.
-Be a man and fuck your wife!
No. Jesus,
what the fuck is wrong with you?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Nothing's wrong with me.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You know what? Because I try hard.
No, Kate.
-Kate, I need you to just--
-What about me?
What do I need, Charlie?
Because I can't--
I can't drink because I'm crazy or something...
...and I can't stay sober
because of you.
You're blaming other people for your problems.
Go.
I can't be sober and be with you.
At this meeting, we give cakes
to celebrate sober birthdays.
We have one birthday tonight for Kate,
for one year.
Jenny and Dave are gonna give her the cake.
-Happy birthday.
-Thank you.
I'm so proud of you.
-Thank you.
-Oh, honey.
-You deserve this.
-Yeah.
Hi. Kate, alcoholic.
Hi, Kate.
One of the things I've heard is that...
...your best day drinking
is worse than your worst day sober.
Yeah, it's not true. It's not true.
I mean, I had....
I had some amazing times
drinking and laughing...
...and just feeling
like the most adorable...
...charming girl in the world.
And I was adorable. I was.
I mean, I would piss my pants
and I was still cute.
Well, I was in North Carolina,
Durham, playing baseball.
I was-- I was getting hot.
And that's when I met--
When I met my girl, my buddy Crash, here.
-Crash?
-Sent him to single-A ball...
...to teach me how to carry myself...
-...as a pro.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Show you the ropes.
-Show me the ropes.
-Yeah.
Me and him both fell for the same woman.
-Classic.
-In the end...
-...he won it. He took it.
-God.
That's a crazy way to meet.
-Yeah, I know. It is.
-Yeah.
It's really similar to a very famous movie.
-Probably not.
-Yeah.
When I first tried getting sober,
I figured that as long as I didn't drink...
...everything else would just
sort of magically work itself out.
But it didn't.
My marriage fell apart.
I lost my job.
And that shit happened sober.
You know, I didn't sign up for that.
I didn't read about that
in some pamphlet, you know.
Another pretty shitty slogan I've heard is...
...when you're sober for a bit
and you drink again...
...the disease waits for you
and picks up where you left off.
I'm gonna say it. I hate slogans.
I think they sound like bumper stickers.
But that one, for me,
was pretty damn true, you know?
When I drink...
...I become a completely
different person.
And that person is a pretty big asshole.
Unless you wanna buy me drinks or
give me drugs, and then I'm awesome.
I'm sorry.
You seem like a lovely girl, it's just....
You have....
You have really pretty hands.
And you have really nice hair.
Thank you.
Yeah. I just....
I just-- I think I'm gonna go to the....
No, no, no. I'm just gonna--
Hey, I'm just gonna get out.
I'm gonna get out of here.
Hey, do you want a ride home?
I can....
My life is a lot different now
than it was a year ago.
I live alone.
I'm bored a lot more.
I have a job that pays a lot less.
But I'm so grateful...
...for the friends
that I've made in here...
...who took the time to help me
and just to give a shit about me.
And there are people
that used to be in my life...
...who I miss a lot.
But....
Yeah, I'm so thankful.
I'm so thankful...
...for this boring new life of mine.
Thank you, guys. Thank you.
Hey. How you doing?
Long time, no speak.
So I got into a little bit of trouble.
Drunk in public on a bicycle.
Yeah.
-Hey.
-Hey.
So you miss our house?
Yeah, sometimes.
You miss me?
Sometimes.
I'm a year sober.
Really?
Yeah.
-They gave you this?
-Yeah.
A couple days ago. Tuesday.
Congratulations.
It's, really, really....
It's great.
I mean it.
So are you dating anyone?
Charlie.
Are you?
I just keep thinking how I....
I wish I was meeting you for the first time...
...in a bar.
And I didn't have any of this baggage, and....
And I could buy you a drink
and flirt with you all night.
Have you been playing a lot?
I haven't played in over a year.
Then how are you beating me so bad?
I don't know. Innate talent?
I haven't met anyone vaguely interesting...
...since we separated.
How about we just stick to the game, okay?
-I've been masturbating a lot.
-Charlie.
I miss you.
Just stop.
Okay. Fine.
You could've been killed, you know.
What?
Riding your bike drunk.
I worry about you.
Yeah. Well, that's understandable...
...because I used to worry about you
all the time, but....
You know, now I don't have to.
Because you're doing okay.
And that makes me happy...
...even though you're better off
without me.
Just glad that you're doing well.
Hey, would you move back in
if I came to meetings?
You have to do that for you.
You can't....
You can't do it to make me happy.
Yeah, but would you?
I'm not moving back in, Charlie.
Can I at least just take you out on a date?
Okay.
Last question.
Can we just play one more game?
You're kicking my ass and it's embarrassing...
...and I would like to have a chance
to redeem myself.
Please?
It's our anniversary
I leave it ajar
And go outside
To look at the driveway stars
The crickets are chirping
They stop at my step
I stop my step
And they start up again
It's our anniversary
And the bullfrogs
And everything that can sing
Is singing its mating song
The soil is steaming
Grass is swooning
Guns or fireworks are popping
Down in the town
A woman is running
A man jumps up and down
It's our anniversary
And you've hidden my keys
This is one anniversary
You're spending with me
I slide in the front seat
The driver's side
To hot-wire and hightail
Crosses my mind
But still in the driveway
Fixed like stars
I flip on the headlights
And go back inside
The climate's controlled
While the battery dies
Clipping the wings
Of your morning flight