Bandit, me and Fred've got a question.
What do you and Fred want?
- How come we doing this?
- Why not?
- They said it couldn't be done.
- That's the reason.
That's good with Fred. We're clear.
Ten-four.
I'm Big Enos Burdette.
This is my son, Little Enos.
Hold on to your ass, Fred.
What we're dealing with here...
is a complete lack of respect for the law.
Nobody makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice
look like a possum's pecker.
Daddy, look out!
- Daddy?
- Shut up, Junior. I'm thinking.
- What are you thinking about?
- Retiring.
Atten-hut!
You can all sit down now.
I want to thank you
nice ladies and gentlemen...
and my fellow officers...
for coming here this evening
to celebrate the retirement...
of an old friend, Sheriff Buford T. Justice.
I think I can truthfully say...
that tonight I feel as if I...
were emerging victoriously...
from a 35-year war.
A war to uphold law and order.
Daddy, I'm bored.
I'm bored hearing about your boredom.
That's why I went to all this trouble.
Now we're going to have fun!
As much fun as putting Ex-Lax
in the Dallas water supply?
Yeah, and then cornering the market
on toilet paper.
More fun than that.
And what fond memories
were brought back...
when I saw those 211s, the 502s...
and the DWls and the APBs...
but most of all, those hot pursuits.
You're going to pee in your pants
watching that county mountie...
hump across six states.
I don't think the Sheriff will
buy your plan, frankly.
Trust me, son. If there's one thing
that egomaniac can't refuse...
it's a public challenge.
BUFORD:... that I have marched through
a wave of crime and criminals...
like crap through a moose.
In the '60s, I chased those pimply-faced,
long-haired hippies.
And I caught them.
- Then in the '70s, I chased-
- The Bandit!
What about The Bandit?
Yeah, Daddy? What about The Bandit?
Sit down, you tick turd!
I chased that boy for over 3,000 miles.
Through 20 states.
- But you didn't catch him.
- So I didn't catch him.
What the hell difference does it make?
But I'll bet-
- Okay.
- Okay, what?
- Okay, let's bet.
- What are you talking about?
What we're talking about
is a simple contest, a little race.
And if you win, Sheriff...
we Enoses are going to pony up $250,000.
If you lose, you fork over
that silly symbol...
you've been shoving in people's faces
all these years.
Your badge.
This badge means more to me
than anything else in the world.
And I'd like nothing more
than anything else in the world...
to run you into the ground.
You and that
excuse for a son,
who looks just like
a flea's pecker.
However, I'm going to retire.
I'm going down to Florida
and sit in the sun with my son.
Remember, we're talking about
an awful lot of money here.
So if you change your mind,
you know where to reach us.
Thanks, but no thanks.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
at this very moment...
I proclaim myself retired.
Buford T. Justice
Fearless law of Texas
The man who chased The Bandit
coast to coast
Buford T. Justice
Now you've up and left us
Where are you, Justice
when we need you the most
Some say you're a lunatic
Some say you're a buffoon
Some say you're a fooI
with a gun
Though you stuck to him like glue
Now who'd have thought you'd walk away
before the job was done
The man who chased The Bandit
coast to coast
Buford T. Justice
Now you've up and left us
Where are you, Justice
when we need you the most
You're a hero to your ego
a legend in your own mind
To serve and protect
has been your word
But can you stand to sit it out
when pride is on the line
And "What about The Bandit?"
was the last thing that you heard
You're Buford T. Justice
Fearless law of Texas
Man who chased The Bandit
coast to coast
Buford T. Justice
Now you've up and left us
Where are you, Justice
when we need you the most
Just like some old gray race horse,
you've been put to graze
They say you're over the hill now
and you've seen your better days
Like that old race horse,
you still hear that bell
If a hot chase was heaven
Now the good life is hell
Well, you took on all those outlaws
and the weirdoes with the hair
You stood for law and order all the way
Now, you're standing on your records
But does anybody care
You're still known as the boob
who let the big one get away
'Cause you're Buford T. Justice,
Fearless law of Texas
The man who chased The Bandit
coast to coast
Buford T. Justice
Now you've up and left us
Where are you, Justice
when we need you the most
Where are you, Justice
when we need you the most
Where are you, Justice
when we need you the most
Junior, retirement is cat shit.
Let's get the Enoses.
Oh, look, Daddy!
The June Taylor Dancers.
- There's our turkey.
- Let's go stuff him!
Daddy, they're taking our picture.
Wet your lips.
Shut up, shit.
Well, welcome, Sheriff.
What the hell's going on?
These are a few of Daddy's closest friends.
Just came to see you off.
Let's cut the crap and get down
to the nitty-gritty.
Well, you're a sporting man, Sheriff.
We're going to bet you $250,000...
against your tin star...
that you can't drive from here in Miami...
to the Enos Ranch
just outside of Austin, Texas...
by 5:30 tomorrow afternoon.
That's only 1,400 miles. What's the catch?
There's the catch.
- Look at that big ugly fish, Daddy.
- Looks like your mama.
Smells like your mama, too.
That's our advertising campaign. Get it?
Fish and chips.
We're opening up fast-food franchises
all over the South.
Get that off the top of my car!
A little respect, Sheriff. That's our logo.
Daddy, what's a logo?
Something like a flounder.
That's in the great tradition
of American advertising.
And you got to carry it. Otherwise, no bet.
I get it.
You're trying to humiliate me
so I won't take the bet.
Get in the car, Junior.
Now then, Sheriff, be careful
with the badge.
It's going to make a beautiful
belt buckle for me.
If you get my badge...
it's going to be
a seven-pointed suppository.
He fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.
- Be careful, Daddy!
- Don't worry, Junior.
I know a shortcut.
We'll be out of here in no time.
Daddy, we've been driving around
for two-and-a-half hours...
and we're still in downtown Miami.
I'm as confused as a baby raccoon.
I don't know where the hell we are.
- It's right here on the map.
- Get that damn thing out of my face!
I was only trying to help.
You want to help? Jump out the window.
Turn left here, Daddy.
Look at all these people, Daddy.
Junior, what you got us into now?
Come on, get out the way! We're in a hurry!
I think we've crossed the border.
Hey, you want to buy some food
for your fish?
Up yours and that fish.
Get the hell out of here.
I know what time it is.
Get back!
You'd think they never saw a car
with a big fish on top.
Ladies, nice ladies.
Could you possibly tell me...
how to get to the Florida Turnpike?
Thank you, nice ladies.
Thank you, you've been very helpful.
You dirty old...
I think she said turn left.
I know she said turn left!
I understand the German language
enough to understand what she told me!
I guess that bought us
about a two-and-a-half minute delay.
This is going to be the most fun we ever had
with our pants on.
Did you remember to take care
of the gas tank?
Do bears defecate rurally?
- What's the matter, Daddy?
- Gas!
Must be that pizza you had for lunch.
Not my belly, the tank!
Didn't you fill it up?
- Well, I thought-
- You thought? What the hell did you use?
- It has to be pushed!
- We can do that easy, Daddy.
What is that "we" crap?
You know I got a double hernia.
You push, I'll steer.
Oh, thank you, Daddy. I knew you'd help me.
He's dumb...
but a loveable shit.
Delays like this are going to kill us.
Stopping off for gas,
getting caught in traffic jams.
Everything's against us.
Look out for that car, Daddy!
Where's that fool going?
Daddy, he came awful close.
You should never give
a dummy like that a license.
Tell that road-hog Rembrandt
I'm coming around, and to look out!
Hey, road-hog Rembrandt, look-
Out.
We cost them some time there, son.
I wonder how Junior likes life
in the dumb lane.
Daddy, my face is all white.
Well, put a little lipstick on,
I'll drop you off at a gay bar.
What are we stopping for?
It's time to take out some insurance,
teach those county mounties a lesson.
I don't get it. I mean, they certainly lost
enough time as it is.
We're winning, ain't we?
We're winning, son,
but winning isn't everything.
- What is?
- Winning dirty, boy.
What's the matter with you?
Sorry, Daddy. I lost my head.
- Shame, Little Enos.
- Ashamed, Daddy.
Look, Daddy, here they come.
They're coming, all right.
They put up a roadblock, Daddy.
Daddy.
They aren't going to stop!
Hold on tight. This might be a little bumpy.
This was a brilliant idea.
Don't worry, Son.
I've got something up my sleeve.
I hope it's a chocolate chip cookie, Daddy.
You can dunk my doughnuts
if it ain't a great idea.
It seems to be flooded.
No shit.
Buckle up, Junior, we're going
to make a lot of time now!
This is it, son.
I thought from the start
this was a one-man job.
There's only one man I know
that's never let us down.
Homogenise my hostility!
Would you be speaking of-
No, I'm not talking
about that egomaniac.
I'm talking about the only one
we can really trust:
The Snowman.
Now get me that phone.
That isn't the phone.
Fred, you don't know what
it means having you here.
You're the ugliest. Look at your eyes.
Your eyes sag, your ears. Look at that.
Eight yards long. Your lips...
And your breath's bad.
The next time I buy them
deodorising dog biscuits...
you're going to eat them!
Hang on.
Mule Barn, you got The Snowman.
How about-
Look, lover boy, I've got $250,000...
with your name on it if you help us out.
Two hundred and fifty...
You mean, I don't have to drive the truck
or haul nothing but my ass?
I'm going to be The Bandit.
Do I get to wear the hat? The shirt?
And drive the car!
Now, listen!
I think you just got yourself a Bandit. Bye!
I'm going to be The Bandit!
I love it! The Bandit.
Wear the hat, drive the car.
I love it. Give me the car.
All right, Mrs. Fernbush,
let's remember the procedures.
Look both ways before entering
the flow of traffic.
Politeness pays, but look both ways.
Give her a little gas,
and let up lightly on the clutch.
Turn right!
What an asshole!
Hold on, Dixie
Bandit's on the road again
Look out!
I'm going to be The Bandit. I'm going to...
Oh, Fred?
I mashed your doghouse, son,
but don't worry. I'll buy you...
Fred, I'll buy you
a whole condominium.
Listen, with the money we...
Come here, you.
Now go find your fireplug.
I'm going to go put on my Bandit clothes.
I'm going to be The Bandit.
I'm going to be The Bandit! I love it!
Come on, get after him!
Hey, bubba!
This ain't good, man.
This ain't good at all.
I'm not scared of these crackers.
I'm black and I'm proud.
Three hundred years
of experience tells me...
that you aren't being nothing
but black and loud.
- You better pull over.
- I ain't pulling over for nobody.
We're not making
very good time, Daddy.
Well, as soon as I get around Col. Sanders,
all that'll change.
What the hell are those
Klan clowns doing here?
Here's how you
handle the Klan, Junior.
Get out of here, boy!
Lord have mercy!
I must have died and gone to heaven!
What goes around comes around!
You ever join the Klan, Daddy?
No chance. But your mama did.
When she put on her sheet,
she looked like an iceberg with feet.
The lid is what's
going to make the kid.
What do you think, my man?
I'm talking bad, Fred.
I mean, you got your Bandit,
and then you got...
Pray for that Bandit.
How about you, Smokey?
You got them ears on?
Don't look at me like that, Fred.
Fred!
I told you I would love to take you, okay?
But I can't take you.
The Bandit didn't have no dog
in the car with him!
It just wouldn't look right.
But... Look, Fred.
What if you had your opportunity
to be Rin Tin Tin?
You wouldn't say no to that, would you?
No, you wouldn't. I get to be The Bandit.
You want me to have that, don't you?
Sure, you do.
You're my buddy.
Hey, I knew you was going to be lonesome.
I knew I was going to be gone,
so I took care of you.
Now just a minute. Here.
Look here what I got for you, Fred.
I got you somebody
I want you to meet, Fred.
This is Freda.
There we go.
Freda, Fred. Fred, Freda.
And by the power vested in me,
as owner of both of you hounds...
I now pronounce you basset and basset.
Fred, that means you don't have to
half-ass it.
You get it?
Excuse me. Listen. I've got work to do.
You all have to entertain yourself...
but The Bandit is gonna go smoke
some smokies.
I'll tell you what.
You want to see a bandit?
You're looking at a bad bandit.
I'm talking bad.
Never should've put me
in this thing, brother.
Hear that roar of thunder
Hear those tyres scream
He's every boy's hero
Every lady's dream
Flying down the highway
heading west
They love me.
In a streak of black lightning
Called the Bandit Express
Look out, The Bandit's comin'
Tyres screamin' engine hummin'
Looks like The Bandit's
on the move
Bandit, if you could see
me now. They love me.
Look out, The Bandit's comin'.. Get
your money and warn the women
Tell those smokeys
all to take a rest
'Cause they'll never get
the Bandit Express
They never learn.
Look out, The Bandit's comin'
Get your money and warn the women
Tell those smokeys all to take a rest
'Cause they'll never get
the Bandit Express
Whoa, they'll never get
the Bandit Express
Junior, I want to tell you
an interesting story.
When the Pilgrim Justices landed
on the shores of Texas...
some of the male members of the family...
became lawmen.
All of the lawmen of the Justices...
had sixth sense.
- That's too bad.
- What's too bad about having sixth sense?
Well, that's not even a dime.
Hi, folks, this is Dusty Trails,
speaking to you live...
from Town's Autorama on the corner
of Second St. and Washington Blvd.
I hope you're enjoying
our million-dollar movie...
and you're going to enjoy hearing
from Skip.
Take it away, Skip!
Thank you, Dusty. Isn't she wonderfuI?
Friends, before
I forget, don't you forget...
to come out here on Sunday
and bring the kids.
'Cause in addition to the best auto values
in town...
we're giving away free oatmeaI cookies
baked by Dusty herself.
Hard to believe somebody
so pretty can cook too, isn't it, friends?
Let's talk about the special of the week.
It's a '76 Mercury Monarch, fully loaded...
but you don't have to be to buy it.
Yes, this low-mileage honey
has got new rubber, factory air...
AMIFM stereo and four brand-new shocks
that I personally installed myself.
Dusty, why don't you tell them
about your cookies...
while I climb up on the hood
and demonstrate?
If you really want to save yourself
a lot of money and grief...
stay as far away from this dump as you can.
See that fool jumping up
on the hood of that car?
That fool wouldn't know a good deal
if someone gave him four aces.
When I moved here, I didn't know a soul,
so I answered his ad for a bookkeeper.
Should've been for a football player,
considering the passes he made at me.
He told me he loved me, needed me,
and was leaving his wife.
The only thing he left was fingerprints.
Hell, he had no intention
of divorcing his wife.
The only intention he had was conning
you people out of a lot of money.
See that special he's jumping on?
It's a special, all right.
Just add three zeroes
when you check out the mileage.
It used to be a taxi!
This gal is taking a walk on Skip Town,
his lies, and his lemons!
Folks, I'm a little irritated. Pardon me.
I hope you enjoy the movie.
But I am leaving. Bye!
Dusty, Skip's going to freak
when he hears that.
That's his problem!
Good luck, kid!
Hold it! Thank you.
I need a ride.
I hope you're going that way.
I sure am. Go straight ahead.
Look, do you mind if I change my clothes?
Change your... What? In here?
Oh, sure. No problem for me.
- Now? In the car?
- Yeah.
You're not going to look.
You're not a peeping Tom, are you?
- I'm not... No!
- Then there's no problem.
No, you've got your peepers
and you've got your non-peepers.
I'm definitely a non-peeper.
But the car's a little weird.
It's very important that
a lawman has sixth sense.
'Cause then he can
anticipate things...
and prevent them from happening.
Even a hound dog has sixth sense.
This is Mother Trucker
in the Hawaiian Tropic, on a smokey watch.
Hey, is that you, Bandit?
Hey, you're looking good.
This is Bandit One calling.
Is that Mama Trucker out there?
Your phone's ringing.
That's a big 10-4, Bandit.
We got smokey on our tail
and he's moving fast.
You better come on in, honey.
Your patch is ready, teddy.
I heard that.
If you're ready, just hold it steady.
I'm coming in.
Cledus, what are we doing under here?
Just getting out of the sun.
Look who just drove by. My.
Want to go fishing?
- I'm game.
- Let's go.
If some crime is going to be committed,
I know it before they start to commit it.
And I can put a stop to it.
If somebody's going to do
something to me...
immediately, I know
they're doing something to me.
That is why you got to have a sixth sense.
I'd rather have a dime.
Hi, boys!
How do.
Bye, boys!
It's The Bandit! Son of a bitch!
And he's got my fish!
As of this instant, Junior,
we're in hot pursuit!
Look who we got down here.
I guess we better chat with the old boy.
You take this and just have yourself
a conversation with Buford T.
- Go ahead. Go.
- What do I do?
You just talk in it.
Mash that little thing in and talk.
Hello? Mr. Justice?
How you folks doing down there?
We're doing fine, little lady.
And may I advise you that you're consorting
with a criminal.
So when he goes to the slammer,
you go, too.
Oh, really?
While you're at it,
why don't you take a big dump in your hat!
Hold it! Watch that language.
I happen to have my son in the car.
Over and out.
- Thank you, Daddy.
- Shut up, shit.
Breaker, breaker, El Bandito,
this is Muddy and Sunny.
What's your 20?
What's your story?
You want to get that call?
I'm a little busy.
Yeah. Hello?
Hello, boys!
Yeah, this is the Bandit Mobile calling!
The man here says you're going
to get your shark before dark!
Long as you don't get funny
with the money. - Who's that?
Probably some floozy he picked up
by the side of the road.
Come on, Buford!
Bring it on, brother!
I sure wouldn't mind a romp
in your melon patch.
What the hell was that?
Sorry, honey.
I'll have to get back to you later.
Excuse me, Sheriff. Why don't you just
let me handle this situation here?
Pardon me, young man,
but you happen to be talking to...
Sheriff Buford T. Justice...
and I'm about to apprehend The Bandit.
Cledus, you attract more fuzz
than a fat man's navel.
I wouldn't give a rat's ass
if you was J. Edgar Hoover...
and he was Machine Gun Kelly.
You're out of your jurisdiction.
I might be out of my jurisdiction...
...but you're out of your league.
Now back off!
I ain't backing off of nothing, Sheriff.
I'm taking charge!
Boy, they're really coming.
I'll tell you what. You just watch. Hang on.
Am I glad I came along on this trip.
I'm surrounded by lunatics.
Sheriff? You might want to
forget about losing me...
'cause I'm here for the duration!
Shit!
Far out!
Bandit? You're in a heap of trouble.
Did you see that, Daddy?
That's what happens when you
lock horns with beautiful Buford.
Breaker for that Sandbox Man.
How about you, Sandbox Man?
The Bandit's ringing your phone, you copy?
Hey, is that you, Bandit?
Looks like you got Smokey on your tail!
Right you are!
He's kicking in my back door! Hello?
Bring him by here! We'll take care of that!
I heard that.
We're bringing it. Bye.
- Come on, Buford!
- He won't give up, will he?
What did I tell you?
You know what happens next, honey?
Were gone. Bye, Buford!
Gee, Daddy, this is just like
being at the beach.
It's a minor complication.
Nothing's going to stop me from catching
that big pile of dragon dump.
And when I do...
I'm going to marinate his walnuts.
Get out and dust off the car.
I don't want to foul up your plans
or anything...
but I didn't get any breakfast this morning
and I'm half-starved.
Why don't we pull in up here
and get us a pound of ground round...
and put it down our neck.
Sounds good.
Listen. I think what we have here
is a skull orchard.
Maybe you ought to stay here
and let me get the cheeseburgers...
'cause I'm not sure
this is a place for ladies. Okay?
Cledus, make those burgers rare.
It'll go quicker.
Nice looking set of wheels.
How are you doing, my man?
Yeah. Question's too hard, I guess.
Rare, Cledus. Make them real rare, okay?
Rare. She wants it rare?
I'm going to get it so rare...
a good vet. could have it on its feet
in 15 minutes.
What do you think?
I didn't mean to wake you up.
So long, cowboy!
Was that with or without onions?
Onions.
With onions. Yeah, with onions.
Be right back. Yes, sir.
We didn't discuss this earlier, but do you
want a large, small, or medium drink?
- Extra large.
- Extra large.
Be right back.
Go get him, Jimmy!
Well, I guess we ruined
your whole day didn't we?
How about some onion rings, honey?
They got-
See? And you remember-
Let that be a lesson to you.
They're sacking them up right now.
- Get him!
- Thank you, my man.
What an animal!
See you.
One cheeseburger for the lady.
Well, all right, my man. Thank you.
Hey, Cledus, you forgot the mustard.
I forgot the mustard.
Women. Sit down.
Me and you gone,
like a big caboose.
See you!
Breaker, breaker, Mr. Bandit.
You might as well give up the ghost.
'Cause I'm staying with you
like stink on a skunk.
Here he comes.
We got him now, Daddy.
Watch out for those eggs!
We almost scrambled some eggs back there.
Well, see,
I was hoping for a Buford omelette.
We lost him.
Talent and pure intelligence
will always triumph over ignorance-
He may be dumb, but he ain't scared.
Oh, dang it!
Not again!
- He's still coming!
- I'm going as fast as I can!
You should've turned right, Daddy.
My flowers!
Look what they did to my flowers.
God!
What the hell are you trying to do,
you homicidal idiot?
Back up and get the hell out of here!
It's kind of a tight alley.
I'm gonna need some help.
- No problem. I'll direct you.
- If you say so.
Okay, back up.
That's it. You're in the clear here.
You're in the clear there.
Keep going. You're in the clear.
Clear on this side.
Clear on that side. Clear on-
- Daddy?
- Shut up!
Clear on this side.
Back it up there.
- But, Daddy!
- Shut up, shit!
You're all clear now. Whip on out.
Now, do you see,
what you did with your "Daddy".
But, Daddy, look!
Hold it!
Just what are you trying to do, nice lady?
I'm about to tow this car to the garage.
And may I inquire why?
It's parked illegally
and creating a fire hazard.
And it's one big piece of crap.
May I say, madam, that
you are talking to Buford T. Justice.
I wouldn't care if you
were Sugar Ray Leonard.
Come on, Charlie, let's pull out.
You woman's lib sumbitch.
Get up there and unhook it.
Unhook it!
I'm putting it in reverse!
It's too heavy, Daddy.
I can't get any traction. Unhook it.
I'm gonna give it all it's got!
- Oh, shit, Charlie! He's getting away.
- No, he's not.
Get that sucker off!
Wait, Daddy! Wait for me!
I'm right behind you.
Don't leave me.
Wait, Daddy.
Wait, Daddy. Wait for me, Daddy.
I'm getting dizzy, Daddy.
Wait, Daddy.
- Look! You were going so fast!
- I'm sorry.
You came around the corner here,
I couldn't get out of the way.
- Young man, how old are you?
- Are you all right, ma'am?
I'm trying to look at my car!
Do you know who my husband is?
Hold it, Daddy.
I think I'm falling.
Well, nice lady, it looks
like we meet again.
Would you please call a tow truck?
Not if you were Sugar Ray Leonard.
Would you look around in that junk
and see if my son's in there?
Here I am, Daddy.
Would you stop playing with your coconuts
and get in the car?
Okay.
Okay, folks, we welcome you
all to the Joie Chitwood Thrill Show.
We're readying the wall of fire right now.
There are thrills and chills galore.
And as the wall of fire is getting ready-
The crowd's really getting
excited at this point.
I don't blame them one bit. Wait a minute!
I think we've got a surprise visitor.
Yes, we've got The Bandit making
a guest appearance here...
at the Joie Chitwood Thrill Show.
- Where are we, Daddy?
- Indianapolis.
How the hell do I know where we are?
- Daddy, I'm scared.
- I know. I can smell it.
And right into a couple of
demolition cars there.
Buford Justice,
coming around behind The Bandit.
The nuthouse must be having a picnic!
- Look out, Daddy.
- Don't tell me to look out!
- Tell them to look out!
- Look out!
Four tough guys out there.
Listen to those people!
They think I did that on purpose.
They love me!
Hi there! Hey, you all!
Cledus. We got to go.
- My people!
- We gotta go. Bye!
Here we go!
What the hell is happening?
Climb out the window, Junior,
and weigh the car down.
Yes, Daddy.
- There's lots of people out here.
- Well, push, Junior, push!
Damn!
I'm trying, Daddy. My foot's stuck.
I'll release it.
You're killing your daddy!
Get back in the damn car!
Yes, Daddy.
They ain't coming down.
I think they-
Tell them to get out of my way!
I'm coming through!
He's getting awful close.
Straighten out.
Daddy, we're going into a big hole.
Hole, hell! That's a cannon!
What the heck is all this?
Well, the bridge is out.
Well, what do you think
The Bandit would do?
He'd just jump it.
See, but The Bandit will jump anything.
Get it? But I ain't interested
in jumping no river...
I wanna go to sleep. I'm tired.
- I saw a motel right down the road.
- Can you find it?
- Sure can.
- We are gone.
Well, good job!
You gotta try and do the same thing
when the sheriff gets here.
That won't be hard, on account
of Sheriff Justice has only got...
a child's portion of intellect.
Come on! This is gonna be
a ton of fun, son.
Pleasure doing business with you!
Okay! Your turn.
I didn't wash the fish.
Left you...
plenty of hot water.
Come on, here.
$250,000 boy!
I'll get you to...
Yeah, okay.
I'll buy Fred a...
This is a strange thing.
This is... Oh.
Oh. Well.
- What is it, Daddy?
- There's The Bandit's car.
He probably checked into
the motel with that broad.
And he's got the fish with him.
Now, when he's fooling around
and thinking of other things...
- ...we can snatch the fish.
- Thinking of what other things?
You're getting to me.
Just play with your crayons.
Daddy, we just walked by
a penicillin dispenser.
Yeah. I feel like the guest of honour
at a crabs convention.
I'm on the floor.
I'm on the floor.
You be sure to turn out the lights, now,
when you come in here, right?
- Right.
- Yes, ma'am.
Good night.
What the hell is this, another raid?
I paid the Captain two nights ago!
This isn't a raid.
I'm here on official business.
I'm going to make an investigation.
Now you just go ahead and read
your Gonad Gazette.
And here we are in a motel...
with nothing but a few potted plants
between us...
but I know I don't have to worry one bit.
No, Cledus, I know you're the kind of man...
who has the kind of character...
who does not hop into bed
with just anybody.
Right, Cledus?
Oh, no, you don't!
- Who's in there, Daddy?
- I don't know...
...but it's not Jacques Cousteau.
- What's going on?
- Some kind of union meeting.
Get away from there
before you get a herpes on you.
Daddy. Like you said.
Make a wish.
Yeah!
Oh, geez!
Oh!
Oh, no boys.
- Leave my daughter alone!
- What's the rubber glove for?
You let my daughter alone!
Daddy, there's a fish
that looks exactly like our fish!
That is our fish, you moose twit! Grab it!
Hey, making it with a fish!
Crazy!
Just like the Bible says,
Sodom and Gomorrah.
The Bandit!
We can kill two possums with one rock.
Come on.
- I got you.
- I got you.
Now, wait a minute, ma'am.
What the hell are you doing in there...
all dressed up with a cowboy hat on?
I'm getting all hot and bothered
for the evening, darling.
- Come along with me.
- You got it!
- Give me the key, Junior.
- I left it in the car.
- You left the key in the car?
- If I keep it with me, I might lose it.
We gotta stay hooked up
for a little while longer.
This is getting-
Good heavens.
We can't get out that way.
There must be some other way
out of this joint.
Maybe there's a window in the bathroom.
Let's find out.
- Wait will you! My hat!
- The hell with the hat.
Just perfect. Open up
the window a little bit.
- You're pulling my arm off!
- I can't help it, darling!
All right, get on your back.
Turn around and get on your back.
That's it.
Now start to wiggle out.
That's it, wiggle. Keep wiggling.
I can't do it
unless you come with me, darling.
Will you get out of the way?
I can't-
- God!
- Mama's not gonna like this.
Junior! Open the window up
and give me a push!
All clear, Daddy?
Good. Here comes the fish!
Daddy, I think I should
get the key now.
No shit.
Come on,
we gotta get out of here.
Watch out for that guy with the-
Oh, we gotta get out of this!
I'm sorry things didn't turn out
the way we expected.
- Especially you getting the big guy.
- Don't talk to me.
- What's the matter?
- I'm trying to remember his number.
We got to get out of these dresses
and get back to business.
Let's see, was it 555-1414?
- Okay.
- Or 555-4141?
You're killing your daddy!
Get in the damn car!
555-1415?
Just slide it in and come in after it.
Take that fish out of my mouth!
Just slide it- God damn it!
Let me have it!
Now close the door.
Very nice, Junior.
That was very nice.
You know, when this is all over...
I'm gonna buy you a nice lobotomy.
Thank you, Daddy!
Come on, let's give him a taste
of the old Enos devil darts.
These suckers are deadlier than your breath.
Here they come. Get ready.
Done like a true pygmy!
- Great!
- That'll be a 20-minute delay.
Yeah, at least.
I'm really sorry about that fish, Cledus...
but I had no idea there were
fish robbers in the area.
What if The Bandit had lost the fish?
What would he do?
- The Bandit would get it back.
- That's what we're gonna do.
It's flat, Daddy.
Flatter than your mama's chest.
- It's flat, too, Daddy.
- I know that, you pig bladder!
Well, let's see if we can find
a nice citizen with a couple of tyres.
What does that look like down there
on top of that car?
Looks like a fish to me.
Told you The Bandit always gets his fish.
Where are you, Justice
when we need you the most
Where are you, Justice
when we need you the most
Listen.
I'm going to get the fish
while Buford's gone.
Now, be ready to get out of here real quick.
I'll be right back.
- What did I tell you?
- You got him.
Well, when The Bandit goes fishing...
The Bandit goes fishing.
Put this down in there.
Daddy, our fish is gone!
Well, I guess that yanks my chain.
Junior, it's hopeless.
What do you mean, Daddy?
I can't believe that it
all ends like this...
that this is my last hot pursuit...
all on account of a couple of lousy flat
tyres and a fish that flew the coop.
Is he gonna be shocked. Listen.
I'm saying that it's time
to pee on the fire...
call in the dogs, turn off my siren...
switch off my lights...
and return to my old rocking chair.
Daddy, you mean I won't be...
your little tick turd anymore?
Son, you'll always be my tick turd.
Do you believe that?
I love you, Daddy...
even if you can't catch
the bad guys anymore...
even if you're a total failure
and the laughingstock of Texas...
even if Little Enos is gonna get your badge.
I don't care. I still-
Shut up, you barrel of monkey nuts!
Nobody gets the badge of
Sheriff Buford T. Justice!
- Hi, babycakes!
- The return of Frankenstein.
Daddy, it's The Bandit!
Get in the car, Junior.
I don't need any tyres
to catch that box of manure!
But, Bu, what about me?
I'm interested in pursuit, not party time.
- Bu Baby!
- I told you, you flying flamingo...
...my name is not Bu Baby!
- It's Buford T-
- Shut up!
I got a felon in front of me,
a fool in the family...
and a giant nymphomaniac on the roof.
The burden of it all is dragging my ass.
I love it when you talk dirty, darling!
Oh, baby!
Move it, little dogies.
Daddy, look at all the cattle.
What if we hit one?
He gets to be a Big Mac
ahead of all the others.
Are those real cowboys, Daddy?
Look out for the baby cow, Daddy.
- We gave them a bum steer.
- There's only two hours left.
Come on, we got to
get to the ranch.
- Boy, we're lost now.
- We're not lost!
Well, where are we going?
- Down this road.
- Oh. Okay.
Cledus, looks like "down this road"
was a dead end.
Not if you can drive a boat, it ain't.
Watch this.
You stay here and watch the evidence.
When I grab his ass,
it's gonna be the gravy on my grits.
Oops! I'm sorry, ma'am.
Out of my way!
- Out of my way!
- Hey!
That's what you get for obstructing justice.
- Follow that sumbitch!
- Yes, sir. You're the boss.
My groin!
You're grinding my groin!
Bu Baby!
My baby! Bu!
Bu!
Come on, Buford!
Turn right!
I got him now!
Look out! He's a maniac!
Bring it on, brother!
Are you sure you know
what the hell you're doing?
- Shit!
- Sorry about that.
Hi!
- Oh, hi.
- We're having a picnic over there...
- and if you'd like, feel free to join us.
- I'd sure like to. But I can't.
Oh, well, if you change your mind,
just come on over.
See, my daddy said I had to stay
right here and keep an eye on...
things.
Holy shit!
Oh, mama, we gone!
- Nice going, Cledus.
- I'm telling you. Here he comes!
- Follow him!
- This boat won't do that.
Don't argue with the law!
Follow that sumbitch!
Okay, you asked for it.
- What is the world coming to?
- Here, let me help you.
Are you all right?
What's wrong, Sheriff?
I ain't seen anything like that
since I was a little baby.
You wanna stay, Sheriff,
you'll have to take your clothes off.
I don't even take my clothes off
in front of my good wife Wilhelmina.
Give me the good old days...
when a pair of boobs
were a couple of dumb guys.
- Junior.
- Oh, hi. This is a great picnic.
Yeah, but there goes
your daddy, and he's mad.
I gotta go.
My clothes. Thanks.
Col. Enos, they're approaching
in a westerly direction.
They're coming through.
I told you they'd take the short cut.
Daddy, when you plot skulduggery,
you plot skulduggery.
Well, my IQ is a little bigger
than my hat size, Son.
Daddy, there's The Bandit!
Now we're gonna close in on that hog butt!
Col. Enos calling Private Enos.
- Do you read me?
- Yeah, Grandpa. I can hear you.
- All right, are you ready?
- Yes, sir, Col. Grandpa, sir!
Okay, now get set.
Hold it.
Okay, girl, let her rip!
- Daddy, what's all that noise?
- The car's backfiring!
Somebody's shooting off
bombs back there.
- It's them Enos boys.
- Who are they?
They are the inventors of dirty pool.
Get set. Now!
Daddy.
Thunderbutt got through.
- What happened, Daddy?
- I guess we blew another goddamn tyre!
Bring us down, girls.
How could that be?
Man, oh, man!
Holy Buddha,
those suckers are flying!
Yeah, Daddy, I'm not bored anymore.
This is more fun than being
snowed in at a cathouse, you know.
Let's get back to the ranch, Son.
I don't wanna miss how this thing turns out.
Cledus, you're not gonna hit that gate?
That gate is gone.
- Oh!
- Oh, my aching head.
Will you get in the car, Junior?
This is no time
for any of your funny high jinks.
I'm sorry, Daddy.
I must've forgotten the seat belt.
Is it my imagination,
or are you slowing down?
Maybe.
Let me put it to you this way:
What good would
the Road Runner be without the Coyote?
What good would
the fox be without the hound, right?
And can you have a bandit
if you ain't got a smokey?
- Not really.
- Well, now you do.
I'm slowing down.
All right, I got it bumper-to-bumper.
- Hop up there, Junior, and get the fish.
- But, Daddy I'm carrying-
Hop up there and get the fish.
- But, Daddy-
- Get the fish or I'll barbecue your ass!
That's right, Junior.
Just help yourself, son.
Come on, Junior! Come on back!
Junior, you are a brave little tick turd.
Oh, thank you, Daddy!
Way to go, Buford!
Why are you stopping?
We better get out of here.
This show right here
is only costing me $250,000.
Do you mind if I just watch it?
Well. There's your fish.
Sheriff, this is hard for me to say...
but you won it fair and square.
Congratulations.
Give him the money, son.
I'd like to kick your ass.
You can't kick that high, cricket crotch.
I accept this prize...
as a token of another one
of my landmark achievements.
Hold the money, Junior.
And don't let Mama see it...
if you don't wanna sing soprano
for the rest of your life.
Now...
Just that long.
- Oh! He's coming over here.
- I know. I told you.
- Will you hurry up? Will you please hurry.
- It won't crank!
- What do you mean?
- The car won't crank.
Come on, let's get this party started.
Let's have a drink!
We can all exchange clothes.
Would you get away from me, you shit!
I'm making this collar single only.
You're The Bandit.
Tell me what we are going to do.
I am not The Bandit.
The Bandit is The Bandit.
The only man in the world that thinks I'm-
Wait a minute.
Sit back. And don't move a muscle!
I got you.
Hello, Buford.
Well, you caught me with my pants down.
- I did?
- That's a figure of speech.
- I got you!
- Yeah.
It's over for the old Bandit.
- Yeah, you're gone.
- It's gone.
- Buford?
- Yes, sir.
I just wanna say one last
thing to you before you...
haul me off in the cuffs.
- Go right ahead.
- There's a kind of a...
a kindred spirit we have,
you know what I mean?
Yeah. I think I feel the same way.
No, I mean it's special.
I can almost read your thoughts.
- Is that so?
- Yeah.
What am I thinking right now?
You're thinking right now
that possibly you...
No sense sending me off
to prison where I'd lose all my friends...
and everything. I mean...
you could give me a five-second head start
and chase after me-
Oh, no, I'm sorry. I'm a law-and-order man.
I got you and I'm gonna keep you.
Yeah, you're right.
I was silly to even think that.
- You're too tough for that.
- That's right.
- I'm upright, straightforward-
- Now that you've...
finally caught The Bandit,
you can really retire.
We can go back to sunny Florida
and you can collect your seashells...
and you can play shuffleboard.
And we can even go back
and see that big funny whale jump again.
But most and best of all, Daddy,
I'll take you fishing with me.
- I'll give you a five-minute head start.
- Bye-bye!
Junior!
What the hell are you doing?
I was trying to stop
The Bandit from getting away, Daddy.
I said it before, and I'll say it again:
There is no way that you
could come from my loins.
And as soon as we get home,
I'm putting a big lump on your mama's head.
Now get in the car. We're on pursuit alert.
Well, Cledus, I'll tell you,
I gotta hand it to you. You did it.
- I did it, didn't I?
- You did it!
I did it! Don't know what
I did, but I did it.
- Hey, do you mind if I tag along?
- What?
Where did they go?
Pumpkin!
Now, I know you didn't
mean to leave me this time.
Madame Godzilla is back.
- Get the hell out of there!
- I wanna come, too!
- There ain't no room!
- Oh, yes, there is!
Wait, Daddy!
Don't leave me!
Wait, Daddy.
Wait for me.
Don't leave me, Daddy!
The outlaw run
Is an endless one
It's a hungry night
Where wrong is right
And the race is done
When the race is won
In the morning sun
Just look into the light
And I'm behind you now
With a ticket for the wind
I'm behind you now
Baby, you can never win
I'm behind you now
And your days are getting thin
I'm behind you now
With a ticket for the wind
And The Bandit's trying
There's a borderline
That's already crossed
When the game is lost
And the hunter's luck
Is a single shot
When the sun is hot
And the dice are tossed
I'm behind you now
With a ticket for the wind
I'm behind you now
And you can never win
I'm behind you now
And your days are getting thin
I'm behind you now
With a ticket for the wind
I'm behind you now
With a ticket for the wind
Yeah, I'm behind you now
Oh, and you can never win