Hi, you've reached Noah and Clare.
Leave a message at the-
Hi, it's Mom.
I hope I'm not bothering you.
Happy Halloween.
You probably work now so you can
just call me when you get home.
I mean you actually don't
have to call me and tell,
you know it's obviously
not important,
But if you want to call me,
please feel free to.
I just wanted to ask you... Shit...
I can't remember why I called now.
Anyway, I'm sleeping so much
better with this new prescription
and my jaw only clicks now
when I yawn or chew.
And I, You know what.
I remember why I called now.
Do you have my VCR manual in...
Hang on a second.
My toast just popped.
Hold on, Sammi.
Who's on the phone now?
What's that, uh?!
Who's on the phone?!
What do you mean?
Somebody's on the phone?!
Hello? Hello? There's nobody
on the phone, Gene.
I think your mom's messages
are kidding shorter.
You know how people worry about
their mothers dying?
I worry mine's gonna live forever.
There must be another
exercise I can do...
Who's the physical therapist,
Bob, you or me?
You...
All right! Keep those knees up!
We'll see some high step in!
Work that ACL!
Noah, your mom's on line one.
Tell her I'm busy, would you?
Doing great, Bob.
You look like an antelope here.
Cooper, I need you
in my office. Now
Technically, Dana, it's
your dad's office, not yours.
Yeah? That's what he thinks.
Today, Cooper.
That's good, Bob.
Take a rest.
Thank god...
Dad, I have Cooper here.
We need to take your ticket,
then I have me
first class on the website.
Didn't I tell you five
Dana! What time are we doing
the Cooper thing?
He's here now.
Put him on.
He is.
Hello, Ralph.
All right, no small talk.
I've asked Dana to meet with you
to discuss the mission you have. Dana.
We've been watching you as
Head PT now for several months,
and it's become increasingly clear
that you're not
meeting company standards.
Show personae case of number.
These are the billing guidelines
that have been established for you.
And these are the actual totals
that you've billed out.
Quite a discrepancy,
wouldn't you say?
Oh, I would say these goals are
completely unrealistic.
You're the boss now.
I didn't get the memo.
Look, I told you before, Ralph,
I'm not going to over
bill patients for you.
It's unethical.
Are you calling me a fraud?
The bottom line is this.
We've given you plenty of chances
to get with the program
and you failed.
I'm sorry to say this,
but-Actually, I'm not-
We're gonna have to let you go.
You're firing me?
You're just one germen, genius
It's not a reflection of you
as a person.
How is that not a reflect on me
as a person?
Have your testicles
even descended yet?
Did he just say testicles?
I built this office for you!
Every doctor that refers patients
to us is because of me!
Every supplier connection
is because of me!
Christ, I hit the bang winning home run
against Silverman's
Orthopedic All-Stars
and won a championship for you!
Only because I got
a two-out hit in the ninth
and kept the inning alive!
Yeah, I guess the shortstop
had a prosthetic leg!
You hit it to his weak side!
That's no pride.
Go to hell, Cooper!
I never want to see you
in my office again.
Dana, call security.
Gladly.
Calm Down.
What's that noise?
Are you all right?
Don't let him take the spin!
But the wise little Alice was
not going to do that in a hurry.
"No, I'll look first," she said,
for she had read several
nice little stories
about children who had got burnt,
and eaten up by wild beasts,
and other unpleasant things,
Sorry guys. Sorry! Sit tight! OK?
Mrs. Cooper's class.
Hello, Mrs. Cooper, it's me.
Hi me.
So I have some good news
and somebad news.
What happened?
The bad news is I got fired.
But the good news is I'm gonna
start my own practice
two years ahead of schedule.
Ralph fired you?
No, Dana did.
Ralph was on speakerphone.
Oh my God!
What an asshole.
Look, honey, I'm really sorry,
but I'm in the middle of class
right now.
Can we talk it later?
Yeah, try not to get fired, OK?
One of us should have a job,
I think.
Happy Halloween.
Goodbye.
Oh, how's it going?
Pretty good.
Great. Who are you?
Myron Stubbs.
You know I'm Clare's cousin
from Indianapolis?
She said I could stay
here a few days
for this writing seminar
I'm going to.
Oh, right.
I thought
that was a couple of weeks.
Yeah, it got moved up.
So I called her from the airport
to find out where the spare key was.
I never would've guessed.
I'm Noah.
Nice to finally meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Can I ask you a question?
Is that my toothbrush next
to your toenail clippings?
Is it? Oh man, I'm sorry.
I forgot mine at home.
So I just Yeah, it's a simple mistake.
You know what.
I'll just go buy one.
That's okay.
You know what.
Keep it and think it as
a Welcome to our Home gift.
Really? Right on.
Thanks.
Trick or treat!
Who is this?
Oh, look at these.
Straight from Villa Villekulla.
How excited Happy Halloween.
There's my unemployed man.
Hi.
Does my cousin get here okay?
Yeah, he went out for a while.
He said He'd be back
in a minute.
So are you serious about
what you said
about starting
your own practice right now?
Yeah. I mean what have
I got to lose, right?
I've got experience, I'm clearly
executive management material.
So, what do you think?
Can we go to the Honesty Zone?
I would love to.
I've always thought you'd be
great running your own practice,
you know that.
But you haven't had
the most stable job history.
This is a lot responsibility.
Wow, I haven't thought that.
Thank you.
Maybe that's
because you were too busy
trying to avoid accountability
by making a joke of everything.
Does it feel like
the HonestyZone's not quite
as constructive as it used to be?
You know, look,
I support you no matter what.
I just want you to be sure
this is the right time.
I think I can really do
something great with this.
And it'll only take a few months
to get started,
so in the meantime, honey,
I can call Donnie to get my
old job back so we don't starve.
Ewww, Donnie?
Are you sure?
He said I could come back
if I wanted to,
the hours are flexible and
the pay's not terrible.
Okay, and that's the plan.
I like you.
Trick or treat!
Mom?
Marilyn, what's the matter?
I'm fine, I...
You know I'm probably happy,
I don't wanna bother you.
Hey, where's Dad?
Oh, him. He's at home.
We had a really big fight
but Don't worry about me
because I'm absolutely fine.
I'm just going to a motel room.
I'll find one.
Maybe you should stay here tonight.
Or come in for some coffee and
we'll call around for vacancies
And somehow the night's... No...
I don't really want to
intrude you, darling.
I just stopped
by to say hello to you.
Just sort of to give you
the thumps up of everything.
You know what I'm saying.
It's no big deal and come on in
and use the phone.
Check hotel for vacancies.
We're not taking no for an answer,
You're staying with us tonight.
That's so sweet.
Alright, Hartanto, we can stay!
Go Sammi.
Go. Out of the car.
Sammi
Oh... Great... Great...
Where is...
Oh, don't worry.
We will gather
You are such a sweet and
little blessing, Hartanto.
It's Hoo Nong Yo, not Hartanto.
That's OK.
Don't worry about it.
Just place them everywhere.
But be careful that.
That's glass one.
Be careful though.
Don't worry. It's OK.
It's fine.
I'll come back with other ones.
This guy is not too smart.
I realize you only brought
the essentials.
I think. That's good.
Yeah, I know.
Honey, what are you supposed to be,
a French vampire?
Check it out, your neighbor's
giving away King Size Snickers.
Hello.
Hi, Clare! My goodness.
It's really happy to see you.
Anyway, I'm feeling
a little cooped up.
Is anyone hungry?
My treat.
When was the last time
you washed your hair?
It looks kind of greasy.
I think it's
your diabetic retinopathy.
To be honest.
Oh.
It's not greasy.
Look, how succulent
everything looks.
OK, sweetie, I'll take that.
Yes, egg salad is for me.
And this one right here
had the cheese sandwich on.
Yeah let her
And this big guy
had the Spanish Omelet.
I think she knows.
She took the order.
Can I ask you?
Do you know if the cheese
on the omelet has reduced fat?
I don't know.
Can you please check?
Because you see
we have high cholesterol
and diabetes in our family.
Sure. Can I get you anything else?
I'm a diabetic and sometimes
diabetics have very large babies.
My son was ten pounds.
Oh My God!
No, we're great, thank you.
And I'm sorry you have to
hear the miracle of this.
And mine...
O.K.
Is it just me?
Or did she seem like
she was high on marijuana?
You can tell me what's going
on with you and dad?
Can you please pass the salt,
Myrelle?
Thank you.
It's Myron.
Oh. Myron.
Actually I kind of
like Myrelle better.
It reminds me of
Gone With the Wind.
Normally black movies
don't hold my attention,
but I liked that one.
And I like The Jeffersons.
Honey, how is your omelet?
I haven't tasted it yet.
Can I have a little bite?
You know just a smidge.
Yeah, you can tell me how it tastes.
Honey, Can I have a bite.
All crazy.
Oh, get a big bite.
Do you like it?
Do you like my omelet?
Actually...
Should I have gotten ham?
Oh, that's succulent.
So are you going to tell me
what's going on with you and dad
No?
How was school today, Clare?
It's great.
We have a costume
competition today.
There's a runoff
between Freddy Kreuger
and a Crayon.
Freddy Kreuger won.
OK. You know what.
There you go.
Thank you, honey.
You are so nice.
Myron, what do you do for living?
I'm a screenwriter.
No! That is so interesting.
I'm working on
a horror Sci-fi project
set in the jungles of
Vietnam. Lt. Tom Dawson
gets infected by Agent
Orange-infected malaria,
then mutates into
a descent violent
but misunderstood
creature driven to insanity
by the horrors of
herbicidal warfare.
That's unreal.
My original title was Mansquito,
but that's already been taken
Oh Yeah!
So my working title is PTSD,
which is Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder or Destroyer.
That's provoking.
It's presuming
You know the Fly.
Excellent!
Sounds like it'll really capture
the authentic Vietnam experience.
But with a sci-fi hook, exactly.
Half Commando... Half Mosquito...
Total Terror.
My God! That sounds so exciting.
Sounds Great.
I really like to read it.
How much do you get paid?
Well, I don't get paid
until I sell it.
But I did send a query letter to
William Morrison to see
if they want it for Snipes.
Wesley Snipes?
Wow!
Isn't that one of your favorite
black actors?
I don't wanna talk about.
How is everything?
Oh succulent.
Isn't it, everyone?
Oh, hey
Do you like movies?
I love them
Oh my god
You should tell her your idea,
Myron.
Lt. Tom Dawson gets infected by
Agent Orange-infected malaria
Oh, come on.
Oh my god.
Clare, I'm so sorry.
That does Bad!
Hello?
Is your mother there?
That I'm warning you,
you might be kicked
anger Never mind,
I hear my answer
shitting on your floor.
OK. What's going on?
She said you got in a fight,
but every time I asked for
the answers.
She ignores me.
How should I know?
We're handing out
candy one minute
and the next she's yelling at me
in that ridiculous pumpkin suit.
What did you do?
Just put her on the phone.
Mom
No, I am not getting him
on the phone.
She doesn't want to talk.
That's a first.
Who is it, Gene?
Is it her?
No, it's your unemployed
grandson.
What's that have to do
with anything?
I'm just stating the facts.
I guess not everyone's
lucky enough
to work at the post office
their whole lives.
It's not luck when you earn it.
Look, whatever.
She's staying here tonight.
You guys can talk tomorrow.
Don't bet on it!
She just fell, didn't she?
Yep.
I hope I'm not
putting you out, Myron?
No. I'll be fine on the couch.
Spit it put, Sammy Higgins.
Spit it out and we'll see.
So all these guys
have the same name?
They're part of
my home dog rescue.
I have average about forty a year,
and that's why I call
everyone Sammy Higgins.
It's easy to remember
and it helps me
keep a detached professionalism
when they get adopted.
Right on.
Well, I hope you feel better.
I'll see you in the morning.
I guess.
Wonderful.
Good luck at that
writing seminar tomorrow!
Thanks!
OK
Bye. Myron
Myrilan, Is this yours?
It was just laying on
the living room floor.
Thank you so much.
It must have fallen down of my bag.
What the hell is that thing?
It's just a lighter, Relax.
Do you know what I do?
I used it to scare people like you
if you sneak up on me.
Wouldn't it be safer
just carrying some mace?
I tried that once,
but I ended upmistaking it
for my Binaca.
Come here.
No, I'm going to sleep.
You're going to sleep?
Oh, I'll see you tomorrow morning.
Please tell me
if everything you want.
Call me if you want this turkey.
Gosh, you know what's funny?
Yes. I do.
What's funny is my head's
still throbbing,
but the fall snapped
my shoulder back into place.
I got to to remember to
tell my Pain Pals
about that right now.
Yeah, Mom,
maybe you should go to bed
because it's getting late.
And it's been a long day.
You want to play Scrabble?
I brought my dictionary.
Oh, no.
But maybe tomorrow.
Okay,
OK. Good night.
Noah, hug me as hard as you can
and show me how much you love me.
Harder.
I don't want to disarrange
that shoulders because...
Nice to meet you.
Noah?
Yeah?
You forget to say good night
to Sammy Higgins.
Good night, Sammy Higgins... es.
Look how much he loves you.
Good night.
I love-
you, too.
Oh my god...
Come on, she's only here
for one night.
I wish they'd just get a divorce and
put all of us out of our misery.
Is my hair really greasy?
No, not really.
Sometimes.
She's just so needy one minute
and critical the next.
Why don't you tell her that.
I think it would hurt her feelings.
Maybe I could pay someone to do.
Do you wanna make five bucks?
Good night, honey.
OK
Honey.
What?
Honey
What is it?
We're supposed to do
the deed tonight.
Oh, does that start tonight?
The next four.
Oh, cool.
Do you think maybe
we should hold off
until we settled for
the whole job thing?
And that would be when exactly?
Why are you in sure
that you are in ovulating?
Yeah, it's what the calendar said.
Tonight or tomorrow.
Okay...
Look, if you're not up for it,
do not up for it.
I'm not up for it.
It's just been such a crazy day.
Okay, we'll do it tomorrow,
I guess.
Twice.
Yeah, all right.
As if.
OK, Thanks.
Spoony?
Clare Bear, I'm so tired.
Spoo-oo-oo-ny?
Baby, I just
want to stretch out, OK?
Pull your head out of your ass,
Babe, I want to be held.
It's Ok. It's OK.
It's OK. It's me.
Honey, are you OK?
I'm fine.
Go back to sleep, honey.
Mom?
Myron, you're having a dream.
Go back to sleep.
I'm sorry.
It's OK.
It's alright.
Just sit down.
We'll
You alright
Save the remodel for later.
Are you hungry?
Is it the way you wake me up?
Do you want me to
make you some toast?
I think your father's
having an affair.
It's okay, Sammy Higgins.
Go on back to bed.
What are you talking about?
That's why
we were fighting about.
I confronted him and
he lied to me, so I left.
I left, and now I'm all alone,
and I'd do just
about anything right now
to get my hands
on an apple fritter.
But... Neve mind.
I'm fine.
I'm perfectly fine.
I just gonna Hey, sit down.
Are you sure Dad-Put his thing
into another woman's thing
and it felt good and
then he did it again
and then he probably saw
or felt her boobs
in the middle of all that?
Yeah.
It's pretty clear to me, yes.
Alright, come on, Mom,
there's no way Dad did that.
You actually see him doing this?
A woman knows.
Trust me.
It's like when you look at a person
and you know they're gay.
You can just tell.
Right... look,
I think we're both really tired.
I mean we should
go to bed and talk
about this tomorrow.
I need a place to stay until
I can decide what to do.
Now maybe you might know somebody
who could take me in for
a couple of weeks?
A couple of weeks?
Could get sure to clear my head?
I... uh... maybe there are YWCAs...
Those are nice.
Hmm... OK.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
But listen to me.
I need you to promise me
that you're going to be good.
No prying, no chaos, no insanity,
no circus routine.
You are going to like this.
I want to see this.
I promise.
You are not gonna
even know I'm here.
Scout's honor.
That's not the Scout's honor.
That's something like Star Trek.
Good night.
Thank you. Thank you.
I'm gonna be so good.
Honey, she wants to
stay for two weeks.
Really? I guess that's okay.
Doesn't she
have anywhere else to go.
No.
But how am I going to screen her
calls if she's living with us?
She will break down all
our happiness of this house.
Believe in my words.
Don't be such a drama queen.
It's OK.
Just go to sleep now.
Honey, I'm too worked up now.
I need to get BJ to calm down.
Nice try, good night.
Good morning, Captain.
What are you doing?
Guess what? Breakfast is ready.
Can I get this place
some privacy please?!
Uh oh.
Here comes the Grumpy Bear.
I'm twenty-nine year old.
I'm not playing Grumpy Bear.
Nothing stops the Grumpy Bear
but a big smile.
When was the last time
you washed your bedspread?
OK.
Out.
Go. Go.
What do you think,
the stink police?
Get the creatures out of here.
Alright, Sammy Higgins.
Let's let your grumpy
brother get dressed.
Come on.
He's not my brother!
He's a dog and I'm human being.
And my sheets are not even...
Oh my god
Max, I need a minority
villain sergeant, please.
Is he a lovely Indian?
No. He's peaceful.
Morning camper.
There's some carob chip pancakes
on the stove there.
Thanks.
Could you not smoke
in the house, Mom?
How did I raise such a funny son?
You're crack out
with jokes, sweetie.
Is he African American?
A little stale. Max
Myron, I thought your writing
seminar was on today.
Yeah, I got a push back.
Is he Portorican?
Excellent, Max.
Fresh new take.
What is that thing?
It's a new voice recognition script
writing program called Max 9000.
He's my digital
collaborator, watch.
Max, I need a name for my new
minority villain sergeant.
Max 9000?
Try again.
Victor Escobar?
Perfect.
Wow, writing is easy.
You're telling me.
Isn't it sweet to make Myron
take care of Sammy Higgins.
I think Myron has some paralyzing
social deficiencies.
So much fun getting out of
the house and be with my son.
Here we go!
Mom, What are you?!
Pick that up!
What, oh...
You're not Tiho Wuanita.
Come on.
I've obeyed the rules all my life.
If I want to throw a little trash
on the ground occasionally,
I think I've earned the right.
That makes zero sense.
To you maybe.
Listen.
Just go do your shopping,
and I'll come find you after.
OK. Turkey Lips.
Don't call me Turkey Lips.
Okay, Honey Buns.
I love you! Knock'em dead!
Sorry!
Thanks again for seeing me
on such short notice.
Hey, what are former bosses for?
So, the wife's good?
Yes, very good.
Kids?
Not yet.
Clare's pretty eager though,
... so we've been trying.
Boy, I do know what that's like.
The Mrs. Wanting
to settle down and nest.
Bringing spousal pressure
on the head of the household
to buckle under and procreate.
Not a fun place to be in
if you're not ready to have kids.
Do you know what I mean?
Between you and me,
there's plenty of things you can
do to lower your sperm count.
Simple things.
Excuse me?
Oh yeah, I delayed
conception for months.
I took scalding hot baths,
wore tighten underwear...
anything to sap those nuts.
Of course, rubbing one out
before sex is the best way
to deplete viable sperm
from your load.
Good to know.
Thank you.
So, anyway,
I was surprised to hear from you.
I thought once you became
Mr. Physical Therapy you'd be done
with the carpet industry forever.
Well, after I graduated from
school, I worked a few years for-
Carpet Bazaar,
Donnie Booker's speaking.
Go ahead, I'm listening.
Me?
Oh. So, after college,
I worked for
a number of private practices...
Uh huh.
- And although I gained
a lot of valuable experience,
I found that environment
just wasn't for me.
Uh huh.
So now I just, I'm looking for
solid employment-
You know
Uh huh. Right.
- And since you said
I always had a job here,
I thought I'd take you up
on your offer.
Blue.
Your recent firing would ordinarily
be an enormous red flag
to anyone with half a brain.
I have two halves,
and I believe in giving people
a second chance
after they've thrown away
the best years of their lives.
If you think you're ready to
take it to the next level, Mr.
You can fill out some paperwork
and start today.
Im ready to take it to
the next level and beyond.
I guess all I can say is
take your shirt off.
I'm kidding.
Welcome back to the Bazaar.
Thank you.
That's really a good joke.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
See you tomorrow.
I mean it.
Thank you. Mr. Donnie.
Mom, mom, what are you doing here?!
I just got a job!
Where?!
Right here.
They need a sales assistant,
someone to write up orders,
schedule deliveries things like...
No, no, no, there's not way
they need anyone like that.
I got done shopping so I came in
because it was so hot outside.
Oh, remind me to ask them
when them cleaned the
air conditioning filters last.
Because you know what
You can get Legionnaires
Disease if something
Mom! Mom! Mom!
- What?
- Focus.
What happened was
I got talking to Donnie
and he thought I'm gonna be
perfect for the job,
and I could use the money
so I thought why not?
Can you believe it?!
I haven't had a job since I worked
at the House of Peanuts
before you were born.
And now we're going to be
co workers!
Hug me hard!
OK
You know, darling.
It's your apartment.
Take care of it.
Good morning.
I'd like to welcome everyone to
Carpet Bazaar orientation.
Alright, cut the crap.
We're going to
watch a safety video,
then move on to
a tour of the facility.
Excuse me, Donnie.
Do we have to watch this video?
I mean, I've already seen it.
What color is my lamp?
Your lamp?
What color is my lamp?
Gold.
That's right.
Its gold.
Im the owner that means I make
all executive level decisions.
What color is your lamp?
His is silver.
That's right, it's silver.
Good initiative, Marilyn.
Thank you.
Silver means assistant manager,
which means assistant
level decisions.
Yours is bronze.
No decisions.
Put your hand down.
The following safety
video contains information
that may one day save your lives.
I suggest taking notes.
He seems very knowledgeable.
It only takes a second.
But watching the vide
feels like a lifetime.
Oh my god.
What's the message of that?
Don't drive a wood panel station
wagon on the weather blizzard.
Hey, you guys.
I'm in here.
Help! Help!
Honey, heart goes out.
To the actors? It's...
But...
Oh also you'll see the yearn of
the actress in this video
Shhhh, Donnis could come back.
He may quiz us.
I want to be the person who knows
what my job is in requirements.
We also have some
new product lines
You'll have to
familiarize yourself
with immediately.
That should be a rewarding challenge.
Pop Quiz.
How many square yards
are there in a twelve
by eighteen foot piece of carpet?
Thousand?
Twenty-four.
Looks like somebody's already
forgot his conversions.
OK? Don't let me down again.
Hi, honey.
Hi Donnie.
Incidentally,
I presume you can
maintain a professional
working relationship
with your mother?
Yeah, about that.
I'm a little concerned
she lacks any
qualifications whatsoever.
I'm an incredible
judge of potential.
She'll be fine.
But she hasn't worked
since the peanut-
Shhh. This is learning time.
Take this opportunity to learn.
OK. What's the most important
thing about sales?
I'm pretty sure it's friendliness.
No, the up-sell.
Come on,
shake the cobwebs out, man.
Okay, quick refresher course.
See the lady over there?
I'm going to up-sell her,
and youre gonna watch me.
Understand?
I think I'm starting to.
She's looking at Berber,
but she's leaving
with Multi-Frame Wilton.
Watch and learn.
Go, Cheese.
I see you're looking the Berber.
Yes.
It's very nice.
But if you wanna go classy.
You must look this one down here.
It's Multi-Frame Wilton.
Hmm...
Check it out.
Hmm... that feels nice.
Yes, that's probably
the best carpet we have.
I'm gonna try not
to be involved this.
Look down the bottom.
Can you see it?
You may need to bend a little bit.
Right there.
Is he Samoanan?
Hello
Home again, home again, jiggity-jig.
I don't know about you, but this
working stiff could
sure use a cold one.
Make mine a double.
Sperm are dwindling... It's occupied!
It's me.
Your mom needs some Tums,
she ran out.
Just taking a shower.
A very mild and soothing shower.
You're not
playing soapy worm, are you?
Ha ha, you caught me.
I'll be out in a minute.
It's just so much fun
to be part of a team.
Oh you know what, Clare.
We get a 10% employee discount
on every 2500 square feet of
carpet that we purchase.
True.
And they have
a big picnic every June,
and they have a competitive
softball team, Myron.
It sounds like you're really
enjoying yourself.
You would be so proud of
Noah out there today,
even though he didn't
talk to me very much.
I figure he must be
working on his work
when his customer service,
not intentionally
ignoring his mom.
Yeah, I was really proud of me,
too.
Cause there was a moment
I'm gonna be honest
that I'm a over qualified and
useless at the same time.
And then I saw the gigantic
piece of the carpet,
and I realized that
the genie would be
bottled in here the whole time...
I think I'm the wiser for it.
I had a nice breakthrough
on the script today.
Did you?
In the middle of a village raid
searching for mercenary VC,
Tom Dawson starts to grow
a syringe-like proboscis-
Excuse me.
Slaker, weird nose.
Well, I guess his attention span
isn't what it used to be.
I just had a lot this moment, I...
Oh my god, I have to get ready
for my Pain Pals meeting.
They're gonna
be here in any second!
Clare, Dinner, Yummy
Did you make any desert?
In the fridge.
Right on.
So anyway, I've been eating
a lot of chocolate,
which I know doesn't helped
my blood sugar level,
and the chewing is causing
my TMJ flare up.
Can you hear that?
Listen, here we go.
Oh, no
Horrible! Marilyn.
I do exactly the same thing.
Oh, honey.
You know about my son, Noah.
Hi, Noah.
Hi there.
Dear, do you think you could
take a look at Barbara's foot?
Her G.P.
Says she has fallen her arches
but she feels like
she needs a second opinion.
She should really see
a podiatrist about that.
It's just a little peek, Noah.
It's been so difficult getting
around on the bus lately.
I'd really appreciate it.
Well, since you're riding
mass trans, so I'll look.
Thank you, Sweetie.
I am worried about her.
Oh, dear, look that, honey.
Oh, right here.
Oh, that, Oh, that's the...
We were so sorry to hear about
you losing your job like that,
but don't worry about it,
honey.
I'm sure you're gonna
land on your feet.
Did you hear that, Myron?
Could I see you outside, please?
Excuse me, girls.
What are you going to do, Marilyn,
hide out here forever?
I'm an independent woman now!
I've got a job!
Is she serious?
Yeah, with me.
Good! Now you can pay me back
for that
refugee kid you send money
to every month!
It's a scam, you know!
Don't you dare talk about
Joaquin that way!
Joaquin?
Last year,
wasn't it the Nastone.
Jesus
What are you looking at?
Would you calm down, please?
I don't want to calm.
Would you please not
upset the Pain Pals.
They're very rootages.
I don't wanna calm.
I want my wife to live
where she's supposed to.
That's a dream we all share,
but obviously she's mad with you.
She said you
I know what she says.
Did you
Do you think any other woman
besides your mother
wants my salty prune bag?
You want to see it?
I'll prove to you
how disgusting I am.
I'll take a rain check, OK.
Is that my extension cord?
No, it's mine.
Are you sure?
Yeah, believe it or not.
I own my extension cord.
Oh, but mine has
a green little tab by
Would you focus?
On what?
On how she gets to
make wild accusations?
She has too much time
on her hands.
She does nothing but invent
problems for herself.
She reads too many spy novels!
It's better than
watching Strategic
Air Command all the time!
Mom, just stand out of it, OK?
Listen, if we're gonna make her home,
you must move on to
talk to her like an adult.
You know what?
I think I'm through
talking for a while.
You take over.
See you, Noah. OK.
Hey. Dad, don't be stupid.
Bye bye!
She knows where to find me.
You people are out of your minds.
It's all in your head,
you hear me?
That's the spirit!
Way to find common ground!
How's it going?
These banks want to loan me
anything with my credit.
What about asking your dad?
Maybe he could co-sign
or something.
My guess is he'd side
with the banks.
Do you think he's really
cheating on her?
No, I think my mom just needs
chaos in her life to function.
I don't even know what
I'd do if I found out
you were doing something like
that behind my back.
In the bedroom?
They come all the way off.
Could I get two minutes
to brush my teeth?
OK.
Give me the winner.
Too thin, Oh Geez, Oh yeah
This is a rock.
OK.
Let's go quick.
Noah, What's wrong?
Nothing.
I'm fine.
Honey, you're pulling my hair.
I'am Sorry.
OK, come on.
Guys?
Is there an extra pillow in there?
Mine's really uncomfortable.
Yeah, as uncomfortable
as a motel room?
Right on.
What?!
Noah, are you sleeping there?
Yes, I'm asleep.
OK, good.
Cause I don't wanna bother
you if you're asleep.
If you're asleep I really
don't think we should talk.
Mom?
What?
Spit it out.
Did you set your alarm for
work tomorrow?
Yes.
Good.
Okay, I'm just checking,
because you know.
I don't have a clock in my room.
And I'm excited
about work tomorrow
so I can't sleep.
And I took the wrong medication,
so I'm a little keyed up.
OK. I need you to
go back to your room
and not come out
the rest of the night.
Can you can do that for me?
Oh, sure.
Natch.
No problem.
And don't you worry about a thing.
And I didn't hear
you're doing that.
I don't understand
how you can let a few minor
distractions ruin everything.
See if you can tell me
what word
Doesn't belong here.
Son, Mom, boner.
Whatever.
The Fertility Wizard says
for the next two nights
are going to be
the peak of my cycle.
So we have to do something
both nights, okay?
Sounds so romantic.
I have to be up early.
Spoony?
Grow up.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop! Stop!
What's up?
What the hell are you doing?!
Uh... I'm going to
the supermarket.
I found that
I need some soy beans.
It's one o'clock
in the morning!
Okay, alright.
You know,
I'm going over to your
Father's house.
You're going to spy on him?
I'm not going to spy on him,
I'm just going to discreetly
monitor some of his activities.
That's all.
See, this is what
I'm talking about,
you always stir things up.
Just get out of the car.
You know what? You can ignore
What's going on if you want to.
But I need to go do this.
So you can either come with me or
You rolled the windows up.
Isn't that obvious to you?
Why don't you get in the trunk
and let's have a conversation.
Anything out of...
What are you doing?
Get in.
See, there's nothing going on.
We've only been here five minutes,
be patient.
You know you look better from inside.
Maybe you should move back in
and call me with a full report.
I mean you really think dad's
going to bring another
woman back here?
With Grandma around?
Let me tell you something.
Helen's no fan of mine.
Maybe She's covering for him.
Maybe She's getting paid
for her silence.
I really don't know.
Who's paying her?
Zero one-thirty-four.
Nothing to report.
Do you want some corn nuts?
No thank you.
I've got plenty.
Thanks anyway.
They're high in fiber.
I'd love some.
Great.
Do You know what I got.
I've got Ranch,
Jalapeno and Barbeque.
You're surprising me.
OK.
One Ranch coming up.
Oh, what is it?
Oh my... Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Never mind
Dad's got a sex with her
in a little chair inside.
It's just Satan.
Your father would never admit it,
but she runs his life.
Sometimes it's easier to take
the path of least resistance.
Trust me on that one.
Zero-one-thirty-five,
mother-in-law confirmed
inside residence.
What are you laughing, hey?
That's very impressive
lingo there, Condor.
You know, you make fun of me,
but I've read a lot about
how the CIA operates.
I know how they do business at
the highest levels of government.
In fact, if I got in a situation
at the Pentagon-
Do you even hear what
you're saying, the Pentagon?
I'm certain based on
everything Ive read,
that I can find my way around
and get out of a jam.
I'd need a Glock though.
You know I'm so happy that
I was recruited for this mission.
I think the top brass
is going to be
really impressed
with our results.
You know.
You think that
I really enjoy this?
Is that what you really think that
I like spying on my husband?
I've known Gene since
I was sixteen years old.
He is my whole entire life.
And if I stopped...
Never mind, you know what.
Let's
Let's just go.
Surveillance ended
zero-one-thirty-six.
Rise and shine, Twinkle Toes!
Today is the first day of
the rest of your life!
Wow...
Bye bye, Sammi.
Bye Myron.
Bye
This also comes a red oak.
Oh, wait. Sorry.
OK. OK.
I used to using coffee.
But you could use it in oil.
Mom, hit it.
Come down here.
Look at it.
The dirty is like disappear.
Disappear.
Mom. Mom. Mom.
Hey guys.
What are you doing here?
I was just in the neighborhood.
I thought I'd stopped
by and say hi.
Sometimes when you
get some responsibilities.
You can't let it gone.
Don't you have the whole
responsibility to make the whole...
Is your mother still
being your mother?
She's trying to figure some
things out, I guess.
Would you like me to hand you
a glass of water, Grandma?
What are you watching?
Strategic Air Command.
Honey, I just did tell you.
Why are you fast forwarding?
I skip all the scenes
with June Allyson.
She does nothing but bitch.
That's June Allyson for you.
Look, there was another reason
I stopped by that...
Yeah, what's that?
Well, I've decided I'm going to
take a crack at running my own
physical therapy practice.
Uh huh.
And I was wondering since the
Bank's not really in a position
to loan me anything right now,
if you like to invest
a start-up money,
or cosign for a small
business loan.
We would be like partners.
What do you say, partner?
There's a lot of things
I would do for you, son,
but investing money in you
isn't one of them.
I've already got a lifelong credit
liability with your mother,
I'm not ready to take on
er protege.
I'm not doing this like this way.
Being a wife as a pilot.
Maybe Grandma could loan me some.
Oh that's right, that's where
your your generosity from.
I make practical decisions,
not popular ones.
Someday when you have a son,
you'll understand why.
Thank you for the pearl.
Okay, so Max, how can Escobar
capture Lieutenant Dawson
at the Mekong Delta?
Heavily-armed choppers?
It's been done.
Yeah... No...
Sounds tired to me.
Giant pest strip?
That's unrealistic.
OK. Wait a minute.
So what if...
How about Escobar orders
a napalm strike diversion,
and then what if shadow
ops ambush Dawson
OK.
While he's hatching eggs
in the rice paddy.
Breakthrough.
Breakthrough.
Ok.
We got that.
Please pass the astronaut ice cream.
Get it over here.
Alright, see you later soon.
OK?
OK
Good luck.
Sorry, honey.
We should be quiet.
Hi.
Oh.
What's wrong?
I just talked with my dad.
He's not going to help me.
That's pretty bad news then.
Yeah, it's bad timing.
I get it.
If my wife wanted to
get pregnant and I didn't,
I'd be pretty uninterested
in sex, too.
What?!
That is ridiculous.
That news to me.
Because every time
we try do something lately
you've got an excuse.
Oh, like getting fired,
watching my parents
marriage collapse,
or realizing I'm going to work
at a theme carpet store
for the rest of my life?
Those kinds of excuses?
You know what?
I'm actual I'm feeling it.
Let's do this, uh?
I'm gonna take a goal on you.
I know you.
I know when you don't
want to do something.
I've been very supportive
throughout all of this.
You're so supportive.
The only pregnancy question
you've asked in six months
is how big are
my boobs going to get.
Yeah, because I'm
worried about your back.
I don't want you to strain it.
I'm sorry if I care about you.
You are a piece of work.
God damn it.
Oh! Oh! Mom!
Get Out of the car!
What?
What are you doing?
Your father's
at the bowling alley!
I should supposed be
in that parking lot!
What?
What are you doing?
This is out of rage.
OK.
Listen.
I'm your mother, right?
I'm not a sort of bright joke.
You think you could
just push me around?
I have the right.
Just go back to your room.
Let me go!
She was going to
a Pain Pals meeting!
OK. Listen to me.
My house, my rules.
Rule number one,
stop stealing my car.
What are you
so afraid of finding out?
That I'm right?
Listen to me and listen wide
in the first begining.
Because this is
my final warning to you.
You can think about leaving
this house tonight,
or I'm taking you straight
to a homeless shelter.
Oh, yeah.
I'm scared.
You know, I wish just once you
could see yourself like I do.
I'am thinking about
what happened last night,
and if I upset you,
I just want to apologize
for my actions.
You're supposed to
say you accept.
Fine, I accept.
Good.
Now let's go sell some carpet.
Alright.
Yeah. No. No. No. I know Sir.
I know what you said.
I'd lovely do that.
So, where did you go?
Hey, so where's your vest?
Dry tempered.
Excuse me.
It's dry-cleaned.
If I catch you without it again,
It's a write up, understand?
OK
Now what's going on
with the Brisbane order?
I don't know,
my mom's handling it.
Where's your pay for...
Here!
I think she'd catch on quicker.
She's a slow starter.
Honey, She's sixty.
She's fired,
that's what she is.
What?!
She hasn't even
worked here a full week.
She's the worst Caucasian employee
We've ever had and
she's costing me money.
So, I'm canning her ass.
But she's the only one here
wearing her vest.
You're gonna fire
an employee in a vast?
Am I running a telethon here?
The quick ones make it
and the slow ones don't.
Darwin said that and
I'm sticking to it.
Hi there.
Look, Donnie,
she loves
Excuse me.
It's all she's got.
Believe me when I tell you if you
fire her it's gonna destroy her.
You can't do it.
Actually,
you're her direct supervisor.
This falls under your domain.
That's a joke.
That's a sad joke?
No, I don't joke about
terminating someone's livelihood.
That I take very seriously.
Ok, you know.
I'm serious now about
firing my mom.
I'm not gonna do that.
Look.
Maybe I'm not making myself clear.
I'd like you to do this for me
or you're gone.
You need this job, right?
Do me proud.
Hi, Honey.
Donnie said you wanted
to talk to me?
Yeah, uh...
Do you wanna have a seat.
I was just reading
the employee manual.
It says we get a week's vacation
and five sick days after
twelve months service.
I've never had that
benefits before.
Uh... yeah, so, Mom,
I was talking to Donnie,
And he said he's been watching
you work the last few days
and he thinks
your skills might be
put to better use in another area.
Oh, really? You mean like greeter?
Well, maybe.
I think you'll be
a great greeter.
But I don't think that's
what he's talking about.
No. No.
He doesn't think I'm ready for
team leader yet, does he?
No, I think He feels
it would be the best
if you work at home
from now on.
I don't understand.
How am I going to do that when all
the carpet and customers are here?
I don't think he means working with
the carpet and customers anymore.
I don't understand.
What would I be doing?
You'd be... uh... you'd be...
Oh, I know.
I would be the telemarketer?
Fired, Mom.
You are fired.
OK.
I'd be fired.
I'm sorry... I tried to...
I told him how much...
Right... I...
I guess I wouldn't
need this anymore
OK. Here.
I'm fine, sweetie.
I'm perfectly fine.
It's not the end
in the whole life,
world everything.
You know, obviously,
someday when you and
I look back on this,
we're just gonna laugh, Right?
How'd it go?
Pop quiz.
How many square feet
are in this?
You're fired.
Do you hear me?!
The third time will
not be the charm for you!
Ha! Laugh's on you, Cooper!
That's stain resistant!
Mom! Wait a minute!
Cars!
Mom! Wait! Mom!
Mom!
I need your keys back, chappie.
I'm talking to you, ass.
Hey, So what are you in for?
I beat my boss senseless
with a foam scepter.
I'd prefer if you
sat over there.
Sure.
Do you know how much
carpet I had to buy
to talk him out of
pressing charges?
Three and fifty feet.
Do you have any idea
how much carpet that is?
Four and sixty-seven yards.
That's on top of bail.
If you worked a little harder
on your marriage,
maybe you wouldn't have to be
so involved in my life.
How's that his responsibility,
he's not the one who left.
You don't know what
you're talking about.
No one knows how hard
I've worked on this marriage.
Then why am I
in the middle of mediating?
In case you hadn't noticed,
I've been the only one trying to
sit down and talk.
How could he notice,
he's too busy landing
himself in jail.
OK.
Don't you have
a some kind of baking magazine
or something to do there,
Look.
I know what you are going through,
but she's got to go home.
You have to pick her, not me.
Noah, your mom and I have been
at this for a long time.
For a lot of years I used to worry
she was going to walk out on me.
Not because I
was afraid to be alone,
but because I was afraid
to find out I liked it.
And guess what?
I like living alone.
There's no complaining,
no fights, no dogs,
I can just be me.
Don't get me wrong.
I love your mother.
She was the sweetheart of my youth
and I'll always love her.
Just not sure
what's supposed to happen
if I don't like her anymore.
Hi, there.
Myron, where did my mom go?
Monkey sidekick?
She told me not to tell you.
OK.
Where did she go?
Downtowner Inn.
Come here often?
Excuse me, I'm not allowed
to talk to strangers.
I'm sorry.
What I'm really sorry.
It wasn't by choice.
I just thought maybe it'd be easier
if you feel this is coming from me.
I have to say you have
a real delicate touch.
OK? I really mean it.
If it makes you feel any better,
I got fired, too.
You did?
Good.
Yo, Tony darling, two dirties.
We're good.
Tony.
Listen.
Let's grab things and
Just go home, alright?
Wasn't I a good mom?
Of course you were a good mom.
Let's just go, alright?
Yes, sure, let's just go.
Let's just run away and forget
how little Marilyn has
accomplished with her life.
Come on, Mom, You've
accomplished with your life.
Yeah? Like what?
What have I accomplished
besides having you?
All kinds of.
You know.
Right, nothing.
Not true.
Doing a wife, house-cleaner.
ZERO.
You did a lot of things.
You were very active.
You saved my rat Herman, remember?
The one with the skin disease?
Yeah, You could've just
put him to sleep,
but instead you scrubbed him
every day with medicated shampoo.
You saved his life.
That's like my greatest
childhood memory, mom.
What?
Herman's skin kept getting worse
and he started
having brain seizures.
So one night
when you were asleep,
I put him in a coffee can,
poked holes in the lid,
and stuck him
in the washing machine.
And next day I bought another rat
and put it in Herman's cage.
You drowned Herman?
I don't know what to say.
He was suffering.
Your dad was away for the weekend.
I didn't know what...
That's the worst thing
I've ever heard in my entire life.
You pukes a hole in the coffee
can and drowns a rat?
I don't know.
What can I say?
Is it the best idea?
OK
Do you have a friend you
could give a call?
P.S. I did the best
that I could with my life.
Is there anything else
I need know about?
Any other lies?
You wet the bed
until you were six,
the noise in your closet
at night really was a ghost,
and you were held back two times
in the first grade.
I'm thirty-one?
Thirty-two.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, Verlin, that was
as lovely as it was haunting.
Next up, please put your hands
together for Marilyn Cooper.
Marilyn?
Just go.
Sing your song
OK. Dear.
I'll be here aging.
Oh, thank you.
You owe me three birthdays.
Id like to bring
the room down a minute
and dedicate this next song
to my very special son, Noah.
He fired me from
the best job I ever had,
but I never accomplished
much in life,
so it really doesn't matter
if my husband fucks another woman.
And I murdered a rat.
Hit it, Lou.
Just try to understand,
I've given all I can
cause you got
the best of me
Borderline Take me home!
I've put him up for 36 years,
Ok. Just relax.
What's another
OK. No, No, No, Sammy Higgins!
Don't eat that!
Almost there.
This is not my room.
My room is by the ice machine.
Ok
Thank you, dear.
Just get into bed.
Can you put my nightgown on me?
No.
Why not, are you afraid of
seeing your mom naked?
Yeah, that's exactly
what I'm afraid of.
I got news for you.
OK, but...
I still have a pretty good body,
even though I haven't
had sex in five years.
Five
Sex
Can I get you anything?
Can you take me back to 1968
so I could start it all over again?
No, not this second.
That's too bad.
I'd like to start it
all over again.
Good night.
What are these?
I've been tried
some new briefs out.
Try it for more support
These are like four sizes
too small for you.
Oh, that explains a lot.
I must read the label
I'll return them tomorrow.
You're trying to sabotage
your sperm count, aren't you?
What?!
That's why it's taking so long.
No, it's taking so long because
our schedules don't match on.
You have some serious problems,
you know that?
Okay, you throw
an underwear on me.
I think we need to
go to the Honesty Zone.
Screw the Honesty Zone!
I hate the Honesty Zone!
OK. Don't dismiss
the Honesty Zone like that.
Not cool.
What do you wanna do that?
You don't wanna find out.
You know, maybe this whole
have got so much
on my plate routine
has nothing to do
with your job or your mom.
Maybe it has something
to do with me.
This has nothing to do with you.
Don't be ridiculous.
Please.
I need you to be honest
with me right now.
And tell me if it's me
you're unhappy with.
No, I'm not unhappy with you.
Anything else?
Have you been trying to keep me
from getting pregnant?
No.
Yes, I have.
What?
But only a couple of times.
Oh my god.
How could you do that?
Why are ypu going so upset?
I'm being honest with you!
Oh, now you're
trying to be honest!
My life's coming apart
at the seams and all
you want to do is get on me
and grind out like
a mechanical bull?
All you had to do was
tell me you wanted to wait.
Yeah, I'm sure that
would have fit right
in with your species
propagation agenda.
My agenda? We both agreed to this.
I didn't agree to my wife becoming
a single-minded fertility robot.
I need more sperms.
I don't need more sperm, OK?
Look, I need you to stop
putting all these on me.
It's not fair.
I'm not even putting it on you.
It is clearly the baby's fault.
I need you to stop making excuses.
Fine.
What else?
I need you to-
Done.
I didn't finish.
Let me...
Oh, I agree.
You talk and I agree.
That's the deal, right?
You're being stupid
and immature!
I agree again!
We're in total agreement!
Look how well we're communicating!
Out! Get out!
You're not sleeping
in here tonight!
I got bad news for you.
I won't leave this room.
Ha! Real mature!
Sweet! My blanket's stuck in the door.
Rough night with the old lady?
Why are you here?
Clare said I could stay here
for my writing seminar, remember?
Yeah, that was supposed to
last Tuesday.
It got pushed back.
So...
To when?
That was three days ago,
I've had two jobs since then.
What have you been doing?
You've just been
sitting on the couch
in your sofa fantasy land be my
mother's little monkey sidekick.
Monkey sidekick.
There is no writing seminar,
is there?
I'm sorry.
Could you say that again
into my good ear, please?
I can't hear you.
I made the seminar up.
You
My parents kicked me
out of their house.
So I've got no money.
I've got no place to go.
That's outstanding.
When exactly were you
planning on leaving?
I don't know.
I'm still working on that.
You're working on it?
You know what you remind me of
that bad movie that's on cable
At two in the morning.
It's on because something
has to fill the void.
That's what your life is
like to me, filler and void.
This week on Filler and Void,
detective Myron Stubbs finds an
unproduced screenplay in his diaper.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I dishonor Vietnam
Mosquito Soldier?
You know what I'd like to see?
I'd like to see Tom Dawson
fired by his own platoon.
What do you think?
Do you think
it's a good idea?
Or should I ask your
little friend, Max?
Hey, Max, what do you think of
my great new idea?
I think it would win Oscar.
Thank you, Max.
You know what?
Why don't you do us all a favor
and write something that actually
benefits humankind, okay?
But do us an even bigger favor
and don't write it
in our living room.
I know I'm not the greatest
writer in the world.
I'm sure a lot of people think
the stuff I do isn't very good.
But I enjoy doing it.
It keeps me going.
And believe me,
under this confident
exterior is a guy
with just as many doubts
and insecurities as you.
Except you have a beautiful wife
and a mother who loves you
I just have me.
So I'm sorry to
stuff what I do
if it doesn't interest
you very much,
but I can't really change
what makes me happy.
Anyway, this blanket
is extra, so...
I'll just go blow up the Aerobed
so you can have the couch.
Where are you going?
To search for Yeti.
Can we please talk like adults?
You bet.
Call me when you find one.
Your mom stole my car.
I mean.
Listen to yourself.
You're acting like
I'm hiding all these deep,
dark secrets or something.
You are.
You're wearing toddler briefs,
you're sabotaging jobs
to avoid having kids-
That's not true.
Yes, it is.
I didn't even have time to
sabotage myself
at the carpet store.
Honey, it's not what on.
You got fired from
the carpet store?
I didn't tell you that?
Noah
Sweetie
Clare Bear
Clare Bare, Me
Honey, I was in jail, I didn't
have time to tell you!
Where are you going?!
Holly's! Feel free not to call!
Where are you?
Holly's or Molly
Holly's
Oh my god...
Mom! Mom!
Nice shot, mom.
Now you're working on a turkey.
Excuse me.
I want to know who she is?
Was it Phyllis?!
AHH! What are you doing here?!
I'm bowling here.
Is it Susan?!
That's who it is, isn't it?
Mom, let's go home.
Let's go home.
No, I'm not leaving here until
you give me an answer.
I've got an answer for you.
Crazy, ungrateful bitch.
You want to hear
what the question is?
You're pathetic, Gene.
It's all in your head, Marilyn.
Oh
You're an out-of-control dope thing!
Stay out of it, Grandma.
I tried very hard to give you
everything you wanted.
You think that it was
money that I wanted.
You think that it was
the furniture
You think I want clothes.
But that's not I wanted.
I want more.
Did everybody hear that one?
She wanted more than that.
And he put up with your moods and
Your complaining and your dogs!
I wanted more of you!
Maybe we could find a better
time to discuss this.
If he can look me
straight in the eye
and tell me the truth,
I'll leave your house and you'll
never have to see me
or my dogs again.
Dad?
What, does Gene have to account
for himself yet again?
I am a respected man!
I served my country!
I did what was asked to me!
Did you or did you not
have an affair?!
No, I didn't have an affair!
It was a one night stand!
Twice!
I defended you.
Well no one asked you to.
I screwed up, okay?
I'm sorry.
But how would you like to spend
the last few good years of your life
with someone who's always unhappy?
Who does nothing
but live in the past?
Who can only complain
about all the rotten things
that happened to her,
even though really nothing
bad ever happened to you
except expecting too much.
You think I wanted
a wife like June Allyson
from Strategic Air Command?!
Well, guess what?
You won; t have to put up with
June Allyson anymore.
I'll live at his house the rest
of my goddamned life if I have to,
but I am through
with this marriage!
I need to talk to you, Marilyn.
She's not in
a real chatty today, dad.
You know, Gene,
it's probably not the good time.
Come on, that's my jacket.
- Though we
don't always understand
why we are taken
so soon from this life,
dear Lord, much less why we were
placed here to begin with,
we ask you bless this
service and this family.
And everybody said...
- Amen.
- Amen.
I've been asked by the
deceased's son to open the floor up
so that anyone would like to share
their thoughts about Helen.
And anyone at all
Hello everyone.
Uh, what can I say about
my grandma Helen?
Well, for one,
I remember how she was ma grandma
Also, she was a good pers...
. dresser.
She was a good dresser and she
owned some very nice jumpsuits.
I'll miss her very much. Thank you.
Thank you, son.
Anyone else?
Well, if there's no one else
would like to say anything...
I'd just like to...
I'd like to say something, please.
Oh, perfect.
For those of you who don't know me,
I'm Gene's wife, Marilyn.
Well, I'm right now,
but not for very long.
But that is not what
I wanted to talk about.
In all the years
I knew Helen Cooper,
she was never very nice to me.
She didn't think
I was very smart
and she said I talked too much.
Now I know that's a terrible
thing to say at someone's funeral,
but I spent a lot of time and
effort trying to make her like me,
and for what?
So she can make me feel bad,
Stick her nose up at me well?
I don't want to be just
tolerated anymore.
So I've decided that I'd rather
live the rest of my life alone
Instead of being
surrounded by strangers
who pretended they were my family.
I guess that's
a little off topic.
Anyway, I would like to say that
Helen had a lovely singing voice
and she was a very good cook.
Her holiday fudge
was second to none.
Thank you.
Well, that was... from the heart.
Is there anyone else who'd
like to speak at this time?
I'd like to add something.
I forgot to add that Helen
was born in Northern Florida
to migrant walnut farmers.
Also, if a certain somebody isn't
happy with her living situation,
or how she's apparently being
mistreated and ignored by her family,
said person can move out
any time she sees fit.
Helen's middle name was Esther.
Thank you.
Ah... well, if that's...
Well, alright, that's enough.
Sit down, Gene
I would like to correct
the previous speaker
who said Helen was
born to walnut farmers.
The truth is Helen was born to
cashew farmers.
The previous speaker
gets a lot of his facts wrong.
He can also be very self-absorbed
and immature.
Just ask his wife and
She'll tell you the same thing.
Helen's favorite color was yellow.
Actually, it was walnut farmers.
They can't even grow
cashews in Northern Florida
because of the freezing
winter temperatures.
A second grader
could tell you that.
A second grader
could also tell you
that you shouldn't treat your
twenty-nine year old son-Thirty-two!
Like a child and criticize him
for having greasy hair,
when he uses moisturizing
shampoo on a regular basis,
then dump all your selfish
problems on him
and expect him to be sympathetic.
Especially if he's been held
hostage in your never-ending,
jiggity-jiggity,
I'm so-insanely-happy-but
desperately lonely madhouse for
so long that he's starting to wear
underwear four sizes too small.
It sticks his balls
against the microwave!
Helen stood five foot six and
loved playing checkers.
I'm sure we can all agree Helen
was an outstanding checkers player.
You want to be mad at me?
I'm mad at me, too.
I've spent my life trying to do
what was right for everyone else,
trying to be who
I was expected to be.
Except the real me
wasn't the person
I ended up becoming.
And now I'm sixty.
And the only thing that's
saved me in my whole life,
Is that when I look at you
I'm worth something.
I talk to you and I feel good.
I look at you.
My life matters.
So if I needed you more
than you needed me
and that was too much to bear,
then I'm terribly sorry.
But, sweetie, you're my son.
And until you have
one of your own,
you can't imagine
the extraordinary person
who is going to come out of
your own imperfections.
The deceased's son has asked me
To play Helen's favorite song.
Mom, I got to go.
Hi, I need to see Clare.
It's really important.
She said she would call you
when she's ready to talk.
Besides,
I'm hosting a baby shower.
Look, Holly, I know you and
I have never seen eye to eye,
but I'm asking you
as a semi-human being to
please let me in his house.
Thank you.
Hi, I was just
looking for my wife.
There she is.
Can we talk for a minute, Sweetie?
Clare, Clare, please.
I need to talk to you.
Need, need.
Tell me more about what you need.
Okay, I deserve that,
but would you please hear me out?
Please
I'm sorry.
What are you doing?!
You stopped really fast.
I didn't try.
Alright, whatever
you're going to say,
Just spit it out.
OK, I know we haven't been
getting along great on last night,
and I don't want to
get into whose fault
it is especially Myron's not here
to defend himself-
Oh, No.
No, no, OK
Ok, alright,
some of it's, most of it moving
towards all of it is my fault.
Honesty Zone?
Fine.
Okay.
Well?
Oh, you want me to start?
Noah
No, OK, please
Please, please, please, please
I just, I wish I could take
this whole week back,
But I can't.
And I know, I know.
You're married to a guy
who can't have a real
conversation with his mom and dad.
A guy sneaks around,
snapping one off before sex
I get it
It says that he's
telling you that
He does feel completely
inadequate to be a father.
But you're not inadequate.
That's what's so stupid.
Would you shut up?
I mean the geese, sweet heart.
Honey, you say that now,
but what about in thirty years?
I just see all these things
my parents go on through
We're not your parents.
But at some point they
loved each other as we are,
and something went wrong.
I just don't want
that to happen to us,
I made a huge mistake.
I hurt you, and I'm sorry.
And I'm lame.
And I suck, too.
You hurt me so much.
Now you just show up here
and say you're sorry
And you want me just
to say everything's OK
It doesn't feel Ok
I know.
I don't want to believe me,
either.
But today my mom actually said
that I'm the only thing in her
life that she doesn't regret
Which floored me,
because I didn't think she was
thrilled with how I turned out.
But apparently I'm not that bad.
So if my parents
can produce this rousing success
story then I have to think you
and I could make one of our own.
And I don't want to
miss out on that?
What kind of idiot would
miss out on that?
Not this idiot.
No more toddler briefs.
I'm wearing the big undies now.
The cavity is large.
And you know that it's right.
Shut up!
Is something burning?
Hey, it's Noah and Clare Cooper!
It's like JeeJeeChung here.
It looks like somebody kissed
and made up.
Looks like they did
a bit more than that.
Join us!
Yeah, Sit down.
Come over here.
We're just taking some
like little green medicine.
You know, that green medicine
Yeah, since when
do you smoke green medicine?
You don't think that's all we do
in the Pain Pal, do you?
You think that all we do is
talk about our problems?
We're about action, man.
Because the herb is a blessing.
Such a blessing.
So...
It's a bomb.
Yeah
So Clare and I were
talking on the way home,
and we want you to know that you
both are welcomed to stay with us.
AS long as you need to.
That's nice.
But you know what?
We don't need that though.
No, no, we are moving in together.
You're what?
Yes, we both need a place and we
really enjoy each other's company,
so we thought, hey, why not?
Yeah!
You only know
each other for four days.
I think it's a good idea.
And I called my parents and
they're really excited.
That they're giving me some seed
money and my very own credit card.
Yes
I never had one
I'm surprised.
Where are you going to stay?
We'll sack out down of the
Downtowner for a few days
And we're also
collaborating on a screenplay
about diabetic vampires.
Yes, listen to this.
Do you like the title?
Blood Sugar.
It's true.
Oh, I get it.
Right?
I can't believe he's thirty-two.
I know. I know.
What?
I really should have told him.
I'm an old person.
Do you like old people?
Alright, thanks.
You're welcome.
Thanks for sharing
your home with me.
Anytime.
You're a special person.
And I don't mean the kind
that wears a helmet.
It's cool.
You should put that in your PTSD.
Actually I already
Thanks for everything, Sweetie.
It's an adventure.
Let me know if you guys make me
a grandkid, alright?
I'll stay on top of it.
Yeah, if you do, don't drink
too much in the first trimester.
That's where I went wrong
with Noah, I think.
But any...
Bye, Clare.
Bye, Myron
Hey,
I don't know what to say.
Just hug as hard as we can
and call it a week?
I can do that.
OK.
I love you.
I love you, too.
One day, we'll worked out
all these stuff.
Probably not.
OK
Alright
Alright, Hartato.
There are long roads in the colon.
Marilyn and Myron
are out right now,
so please leave a message.
Hi, it's your son.
I know you're probably
at work right now,
I just call and say hi.
Call me back.
I think you have class tonight
But, anyway,
I Just called and say that
I hired a hand
and wrist specialist
So next time when
you come into my office
hang on a sec
dad's in a standoff with Ian.
He keeps winging his mac
and cheese at me.
Eat your lunch, monkey,
don't throw it at grandpa.
Honey,
why's the phone off the hook?
Can you come down here please?
I've got it under control.
Honey, what?
You don't have it under control.
He throws mac and cheese at you.
Honey, who's on the phone?
Sweetie
Hello? Hello?
Clare! Clare Bear!
Alright, mommy's here to rescue.