What does this say?
Does it say, "I grabbed it
outta my suitcase
"and went to the beach"
or "Girl who overplans
for vacation outfits"?
There's just a picture
of a bird on it.
It doesn't say anything.
No, I mean, like,
its vibe, you know?
Like, what's its vibe?
Oh.
It's perfect for Ecuador.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah. And, like,
why Ecuador?
Because we didn't want to
go somewhere touristy.
We're not just, like,
a couple of white assholes.
(CHUCKLES)
No offense.
I really need it.
I just want to, like,
sip a Mai Tai
and smoke a J, and
then just kinda, like
start having red wine at night.
And then Scotch.
And if somebody's like,
"Have you ever done
ayahuasca?"
I'll be like,
"No, is it safe?"
And then I'll try it.
I don't care.
And are things ideal,
financially, right now?
No. The answer is no.
But will things pick up?
One thousand percent.
(CHUCKLES)
Did I tell you Michael's band
is blowing up right now?
Yeah.
So, yeah, basically
you know, money won't be
an "ish" much longer.
This is a good color
for me, right?
So, did you guys have this
in my size?
Yeah, no.
Sorry.
Okay.
Thanks, anyway.
Have fun on your trip.
Nice meeting you.
I hope you find your keys.
Oh, my keys. Fuck!
This would be cute on me if...
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
Are you serious?
What's up?
You are supposed to be selling
clothes to the customers.
Not to yourself.
And what are you even doing
on the floor?
I'm re-racking
clothes
You know what? You're fired!
What?
I'm done.
No, no, no.
(STUTTERS) I need this job. Can
you just think about this?
Look at the other employees.
Like, what about this bitch?
I've never seen her do shit.
You don't do shit here!
She doesn't work here.
Oh, okay.
Hi. Thank you so much
for coming in.
Look, can we just
talk about this
when I get back from
my vacation to Ecuador?
Vacation?
You never even asked
for time off.
And I'm realizing that
right now, okay?
And it's because I forgot.
Get out!
God! You know what?
I don't need this job.
I'm gonna go have
a sick time in Ecuador.
You have fun here,
with all your shirts
and your hours.
Because I don't need it.
I'm about to kick your ass.
Takin' this.
Put the damn hat down!
EMILY: I looked her right
in the eye, and I went
"I wouldn't work here
if you paid me."
And I just stormed out.
Just like, for real.
Like, "Bye."
Another one will come.
Right?
Yeah.
You know what? I'm not gonna
talk about that anymore.
I wanna focus on you and me
on the beach.
Are you with me?
I can't go to South America.
What are you talking about?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
I can't go to Ecuador.
You know it's a
non-refundable trip, right?
I don't want to make it
about money
because money comes and goes,
but I don't have any more
coming right now, so
I'm breaking up with you.
When'?
Like, right now. This is it.
You're in the middle of it.
Is it because you're afraid
because things are going
so great between us?
That's what this is!
No.
You're terrified, because
you've never felt this way
about somebody before.
I know what's happening.
I'll tell you what it is.
Okay.
The band is really blowing
up right now, you know?
I know.
And I'm going like this.
I'm taking off, all right?
Okay.
And this is you.
Just on the ground.
I'm up here, too.
No, you're not up there.
Why can't I go up there?
No, stop.
I'm going this way.
I'm with you.
Well, I'm going that way now.
Now, I'm over there.
I'm going.
You can't reach.
My hand's over there.
Look.
This is the thing.
Where I'm going, there's
gonna be a ton of...
Inspiration.
Pussy.
Inspiration?
No, pussy.
I keep talking over you,
but it's sounding like
you're saying...
Pussy.
I heard it that time.
You heard it?
You always say
music inspires you.
Pussy inspires me.
I have a pussy.
You have one pussy.
But there's gonna be, like,
hundreds of other pussies.
What about just my pussy,
hundreds of times?
That's not as inspiring.
You don't want to lose us.
You don't want to lose this.
No. Just no.
(WHIMPERS)
All right, this is the thing.
You don't have
any direction in life.
What does that mean?
It means you're not
going anywhere.
You're not doing anything.
You know what? I am
so sorry, honestly
I'm sorry, but I want
to see other people.
Excuse me?
You're great
but I have a lot
going on right now.
Yeah, I'm heartbroken.
You're gonna meet
someone so special.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
Bye.
I want you to leave!
You get out of here.
(SNIFFLING)
(CRYING)
LINDA: Okay, one more for you.
(LINE RINGING)
Yeah, not for you, Andrew.
You blew it.
(ON VOICEMAIL) Hey, it's Emily.
Leave a message.
Ah, Em! Listen, honey,
I want you to be really careful
because there was some kind
of heist in Delaware.
Yeah, and I know you're in
New York and everything
but you can never be
too safe, honey.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
(SIGHING)
Okay. All right.
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
Okay, guys.
Let's go to bed.
(CATS MEOWING)
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
(GASPS)
(GAGS AND SPITS)
What?
What? No!
(SIGHS)
(HUFFS)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(CRYING)
Thank you. There you go.
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(GASPS) Oh!
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Poor thing!
You look awful.
Thank you.
Who the hell
does he think he is?
How do you know I didn't
break up with him?
Did you?
No.
Of course not.
All right, this is a long hug.
I know.
One more minute.
I haven't seen you in,
like, forever.
Can we just move this hug along?
Hello, Philip.
(MEOWS)
Okay, honey.
So you can stay here
for as long as you want.
Carte blanche, okay?
I definitely have
to go back tonight.
Oh, tonight, right?
Tonight, I'm going back.
All right.
Well, do what you want.
Thank you.
We're in the kitchen.
Oh, Jeffrey's home?
What a shock.
Okay, don't start!
What?
Agoraphobia is not a joke.
Mama, Mama, Mama... Oh.
Hey, Em.
I thought you were Mom,
'cause you guys have, like,
the exact same voice.
LINDA: Okay.
No, we don't.
You have the exact same
haircut, too.
You know who you have
the haircut of?
Who's that?
Harry Potter.
Harry Potter is the greatest
of all the wizards.
He's a hero
and a great role model.
So, I'll take it
as a compliment.
Mom, can I have
a chocolate milk?
Oh, God, Mama! Mama!
Yeah?
Very cold!
I didn't heat it up.
It's bread temperature.
Maybe three to four minutes
and get it nice and toasty?
We could toasty-toasty!
Don't ask Mom to toast
your bread for you!
What? ls something wrong
with your legs?
They're in a seated position.
She's already up.
I'll put the butter on myself.
Thank you, Mama.
Wow, you're gonna
butter it yourself?
Yeah, I'm gonna
butter it myself.
Does Mom feed you like a
baby bird when I'm not here?
I eat plenty. Don't worry
about my diet. Don't!
Mama! She's showing me
her food in her mouth.
No, I'm not, Mom. I'm
chewing like a person.
Then she opened her mouth
and showed it to me.
He's lying again.
Hey, guys!
This is supposed to be fun.
I know what's going on
with you, man.
Ah, please.
You got shot through the heart.
Okay, Michael's gone.
Ew.
And it sucks.
Because you know what? He was
the best you'll ever do.
Mom, can I eat upstairs?
No!
I would like to eat right
here with you, Mom. Mama.
You're so gay for Mom.
I'm not gay for Mom.
You're gay for Mom!
She's a woman.
She has a vagina.
You suck Mom's dick.
(GROANS)
Guys! Cool it!
If you keep this up,
I'm not cooking anymore
and I'm not feeding you.
Stop it.
Truce.
Truce.
LINDA: Arthur!
Here, kitty, kitty.
Honey, have you seen Arthur?
Did he get out?
He's right there.
LINDA: Oh, good.
Hi, okay.
Does he ever move?
Sweetie, want to watch a movie?
I don't care, Mom.
Oh, honey,
I know you feel so sad.
But everything is going
to get better, honey.
I'll tell you, when Dad left
I thought I would
never have sex again.
And I was right.
What?
But I tell you,
I am really, really relieved
that you are not going
on that trip.
Who said I'm not going
on that trip?
I'm definitely going
on that trip.
I'm just trying to pick
which friend
to bring with me right now
because, like,
everybody wants to go.
Okay.
I can't deal with you
evaluating my life right now.
Can we just take the night off?
I'm not in a place.
I get it.
Enough.
Don't do that.
(LINDA SIGHS)
EMILY: Okay, Shadee, how about
instead of rent this month,
hear me out
you cash in on a free trip
to Ecuador?
Come on!
Aren't you, like, from there?
Uh, no, you're the one
who sounds racist, actually.
Wow, you jumped to the
C-word pretty fast!
How rude is that?
Oh, shit.
Mom!
Can I borrow a shirt?
Sure, honey.
Go into the hall closet.
Down on Cyprus Avenue
With a childlike vision
Leaping into view
Clicking, clacking
Of the high heeled shoe
Ford & Fitzroy,
Madame George
EMILY: Pack your bags.
You're going with me to Ecuador.
Absolutely not. Not with my knees.
Not going.
Yes, you are.
No!
Mom! Look what
I just found.
Look at how fun you were.
Look at that! I can't
even believe that's you.
LINDA: Mmm-hmm.
Look at this.
Oh!
That was a long time ago, honey.
Ma
This would be so great for you.
Oh, everybody knows you need
two years to plan a vacation.
No! What are you talking about?
You don't do
anything fun anymore.
Idol
I go to the Y twice a week,
and I take sculpting class.
I mean, look! Voila!
Mom! I told you I would
not acknowledge that.
That is not right. Okay?
It's your home. You put
it where you want it,
but it's an upsetting image.
Okay.
Mom, look, I didn't
want to do this
but here it goes.
(SIGHS)
What?
My trip...
Yeah?
Is non-refundable.
Oh, my God!
Yeah.
You always book refundable,
Emily! Everybody knows that!
I know, but...
(STUTTERS)
Look, it's done,
and no one else will go with me.
No one.
But I booked a journey.
And I refuse
I refuse to let
Michael's decision
dictate whether or not I,
as a woman
go on this trip.
I will embrace this challenge
in the intrepid spirit
of all the independent women
who have come before me.
All the single ladies!
'Cause it's upon their
shoulders that I'm standing.
No, I won't back down!
No!
So I stand before you
right now, Linda
and I ask you
will you
Linda, my mother, Middleton
join me
on this pilgrimage?
(SIGHS)
No.
Non-refundable!
Mom!
I can't.
Help me put the "fun"
in non-refundable.
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
(EXCLAIMING)
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
(CHUCKLES)
I actually kinda caught
a piece of you, Mom.
Could you lean out a little bit?
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
That's cute.
Here, put this on.
What is this? What?
That is a rape whistle.
That's a rape whistle.
What?
(CLEARS THROAT)
This is a dog whistle, Mom.
Oh, well...
Are you afraid these dogs
are gonna rape me?
Is that the main concern?
Can I just see that?
I didn't look at the dogs.
Do they look like
rapists to you?
Whatever!
LINDA: Why don't you just
say, "Thank you, Mom"?
EMILY: Thank you.
"I'm being raped by a dog."
(WHISTLES)
(BARKING)
(BOTH YELP)
EMILY: (SHRIEKING)
Oh, my God!
It works.
Wow! Mmm-hmm.
Huh?
Welcome.
Oh, thank you. Um
That's check-in, right?
Welcome.
No, no! Thank you so much.
No. Thank you.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
This is me.
Thank you.
(LINDA SIGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, thank you very much.
What's this?
Welcome!
(EXCLAIMS)
(GROANS)
Ma'am!
"Whale" what?
"Welcome."
Oh!
"Welcome."
I'm sorry. Honey!
They're not serving up
whale semen.
I'm so sorry.
I've got it, thank you.
I know, but that was not good.
Okay. And I have you
down for a king.
Oh. Nope,
that's not right.
I was supposed to be a king
but one thing led to
another, and I changed it.
So, it's two queens now.
Are you sure you changed it?
Yeah, I called ahead.
I do see that note here.
Okay, well, can you look
at that note
and make that note happen?
I'm sorry, I cannot.
So I'm just gonna share
a king-size bed
in a romantic locale
with my mother?
You can sleep
head-to-toe.
Like we're 69-ing.
Great.
(CHUCKLES)
I know what that means,
you know. "69-ing."
Really, Mom?
What does it mean?
LINDA: Don't test me.
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
Hey.
Hi.
You ate lunch without me.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
And you got a drink.
At 2:00 p.m.
Mmm-hmm. Sure do.
Hey, honey, you're gonna
break your toes in these.
No, I'm not.
These flip-flops are bad
for your feet.
Okay, all right.
I know.
I'm a grown woman, so I'm fine.
But thank you.
Why are you dressed like Powder?
You look like a beekeeper.
Just get some sun,
is what I'm saying.
The sun is very dangerous.
Mom!
Okay, please.
I just want to fix this.
You put so much on.
I don't want you to get
melanoma in front of my eyes.
Please.
Here. Here.
Mom! (GRUNTING)
(SIGHS) So
I'm just gonna read my magazine.
Oh, that's nice.
I didn't know they had a day
care program at the hotel.
(LAUGHING)
So, I don't get it.
It's gross.
It is gross.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, God!
Have you talked
to your dad lately?
Mmm-mmm. I think he's still
in Florida with Susan.
Let's go out tonight.
What? No, I can't.
Yeah, you and me.
We're going out.
No, no, no.
Why?
Hair, make-up, boobs.
We're going out.
Come on.
Don't do this.
Emily, I am not going strolling
in Ecuador at night.
You're such
a scaredy-cat.
This is what I'm talking about.
You're gonna miss
this whole trip.
Everything shouldn't be
so scary.
Oh, it damn well should.
Okay, thank you.
Name's Ruth. Traveling with
my best friend, Barb.
We usually go to the Arizona
Gem Show every year.
But this year, Barb got
a deal on this resort.
Well, enjoy it.
Ecuador's a pretty place.
No arguing that.
But you can't
let your guard down.
That is right.
That is exactly right.
A lot of terrible things
happen outside
these little gates.
Exactly. See?
The world's a scary place.
One in four tourists in
South America are kidnapped.
What? Incredible!
Not true.
Totally true.
One, two, three,
somebody's missing.
It's false.
Oh, my God.
Anyway, Barb retired
last year. Oh, look!
That's her over there.
Finally getting some peace.
You know,
she was in special ops.
And she's seen some shit.
Hi, Barb!
Special ops! Wow, that's
very interesting.
Oh, don't bother
waiting for a response.
Barb cut her own tongue out
when she left the service.
Precautionary measures
to prevent from
being interrogated
for top secret information.
Couldn't they just torture her
into writing down
the information?
Well, anyway, I best get going.
Here's my number, in case you
guys want to grab dinner
or lunch, or breakfast,
or a snack.
Okay.
Or just kinda sit, you know?
Just sittin'.
Thank you, Ruth.
Thank you so much.
See you at dinner.
EMILY: WOW.
LINDA: Well
I'm going to be having a
lovely evening here tonight
reading my novellas.
Well, I'm going to get ready
and have a drink.
What a shock.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SIGHS)
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
Hey, do you mind if I join you?
Hey, that dude...
Oh, no. Uh, sorry.
You.
Mind if I join you?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, come over.
Please.
Uh, not you. It was me.
Excuse me?
Could you kind of beat it?
'Cause you're a distraction.
Hey, how are you?
I'm James.
Emily.
Hi, Emily.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
What happened to your arm?
Did you try to kill yourself
'cause you're so ugly?
(BOTH LAUGH)
No, I, um
I've just spent the past
few weeks in Koh Phangan.
Mmm.
And my last day there I kept
thinking about that quote
"Man cannot discover new oceans
"unless he has the courage
to lose sight of the shore."
Wow, I love that you don't
care about sounding
like a weirdo.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Well, you know,
I wanted a tattoo
to symbolize that
but I'm pretty sure
I must have been wasted
because I don't know
what Borat has to do
with any of that.
That is brutal.
Yeah, it is.
But, actually, I can beat that.
Look at this.
Okay.
I got this.
I was 18, okay?
Look at that.
It's raised.
Touch it, it's raised.
That is horrible.
I got it at the worst place.
And my skirt's over my head.
Is that finished?
I mean, people have
certainly finished on it.
(LAUGHING)
I'm sorry.
I don't know
why I just said that.
I'm trying to, like,
be funny for you.
So, here you are.
How come you're here?
I'm a model.
I'm here, modeling.
So you're not here
with your boyfriend?
Is he a model, too?
Uh, no, I'm just here with, um
my
My mom.
Hey, that's so crazy
you're here with your mom
because I'm here with my mom.
Really?
No, absolutely not.
That would be so sad,
because I'm an adult.
It's pronounced "adult."
EMILY: You've been to Egypt?
What were you saying?
JAMES: No, yeah,
I went to Egypt.
I know it's kind of
dangerous right now.
But, I've hiked up
mountains in Iran.
I've run with the bulls
in Spain.
I've eaten poisonous
blowfish in Japan.
To me, those are the moments
that make life worth living.
I love everything you're saying.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Your Instagram must be insane.
Oh, well, no. I'm not really
on any of those things.
How can anybody see what you do?
Well, they don't.
But I get to live it.
Do you wanna do
something tonight?
Like, something crazy,
or can we do something amazing?
Yeah!
I'm sure we can rustle up
some adventure tonight.
Yes!
Yeah.
Everything okay
over here, Emily?
I met them at the pool.
Oh, you guys.
Remember, never have more
drinks than you have tits.
Two tits, two drinks.
I know how many tits I have.
Please, go away.
Did you just give me
danger eyes?
I don't even know what
"danger eyes" is.
I gave you get-the-fuck-outta
here eyes. Go away.
It was like this.
That's kind of a thing.
I didn't make that face.
I think you...
That's danger eyes.
Go.
Go away.
(MIMICS SHUTTER CLICKING)
Ride or die.
Barb, you're wilin' out
right now.
Thank you, Barb. Okay.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(SIGHS)
(SNIFFS AND GROANS)
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
(HINGES CREAKING)
(SIGHS)
HEY
HEY
That was not
what it looked like.
I was just washing my vagina
in case we hooked up.
That is what it looked like.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
'Cause when I drink sometimes
it smells like soup.
Hey, do you know what?
Shall we?
Yeah?
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, what kind of soup?
Um, that is none
of your business.
Let it all go
Come on, man, I already know
We gotta go fig up a riot
If we wanna fly free
Doggies and dolls
I wanna be facing them off
Light up my fire
I need to get in too deep
Take me to the party
Really? What? What?
(LAUGHING)
Slow down. You're like...
Here we go.
What is this?
Check it out.
(JAMES LAUGHS)
No.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
EMILY: on, my God!
JAMES: What do you think?
EMILY:
I can't believe this.
JAMES: I know.
They just sort of pop up.
Is this like a tree
or something?
JAMES: It is a tree.
You're gonna know all these
people by the end of it.
EMILY: Yes.
Hola!
Just two of those.
(SIGHS)
That's capoeira.
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
(MAN GRUNTS)
JAMES: Oh, shit!
Uh, I'm really sorry.
She's never done that before.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
I think you might have
killed the guy.
Holy shit.
I'm sorry.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(EMILY WHOOPING)
Oh, this is nice.
Right?
That's made of glass.
Yeah, it is.
And the elevator there
is made of steel.
And you are okay
finding your room?
Oh. Yeah.
No, I had a buzz earlier.
But it's gone now.
Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
Your tit's out.
Your tit's out, too.
No, your tit is actually
emerged.
I thought I felt a breeze.
Will you excuse me?
Oh, no.
Yeah, absolutely.
(SIGHS) God, I wish
I could invite you up.
But I can't.
I have to 69 my mom.
Well, how about, then
you set your alarm
for 9:00 a.m
and we will go
on another adventure?
Yeah! I would love it.
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, shit.
I got my mom.
No, bring her.
It'll be fun.
Oh, my God! James!
Thank you.
That's all right. The
pleasure's gonna be mine.
So, you get off to bed
and I will see you tomorrow.
I'll see you tomorrow, too.
(JAMES CHUCKLES)
(CLATTERING)
EMILY: on!
(CLATTERING CONTINUES)
(EMILY SHUSHING)
(SOFTLY) Sorry.
(SIGHS) Mom,
I had the best night.
I learned the capoa.
You do that.
And I danced with a lady.
(EXCLAIMS)
(THUDS)
I'm okay.
And we twerked.
Did you ever twerk, Ma?
No.
It's easy.
You just loosen your lower back,
and you kind of jump.
Are you getting it?
Yeah.
I was doing it better before.
What is this haunted swan
doing here?
Scram, swan!
Mom
I met a man.
Yeah?
I met a real man.
Well, drinking with a man
in a foreign country...
You know? It's a smart,
responsible thing to do.
Thank you.
I know that that is
sincere, and I thank you.
You missed a maleficent night.
Well, I'm sorry.
Go to sleep.
I can't get in.
It's too tight, Mom.
Just, here...
Just put your feet under there.
It's so tight.
It's tight,
but it will untighten.
What are they trying to prove?
Just go to sleep, honey.
He's my soul mate.
I know, I'm sure. Yeah, whatever.
Wait till tomorrow.
He's gonna take us
on a day trip.
Mmm-hmm.
And you're going.
No, I'm not. I'm gonna read my
book, is what I'm gonna do.
I've got ten pages left.
Now that I'm awake.
And hopefully you won't start
drunk-snoring till I'm done.
Do you wanna know
how this book ends?
I do. Absolutely.
Then the only way
you're gonna find out
is if you come tomorrow.
This is my book now.
This is not your book.
Yes, it is.
This is my book.
You are too young
to be acting like this.
Oh, really? Well, you're too
old to be acting like this.
Now, give me my book!
No!
You're coming!
You wanna know
how this ends, Linda?
Yeah, I do.
You will come tomorrow.
What did you do?
I've got 'em right here
in my chi-chas.
Chi-cha?
I'll see you and James tomorrow.
God, Emily, this isn't fun.
Good night.
(LINDA SIGHS)
(EMILY FARTS)
Oh!
Emily, please.
It was the swan.
JAMES: Ah! (CHUCKLES)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(GUITAR PLAYING)
Ma!
Is he looking at me?
Is James looking?
No, he's not.
Here he comes.
Here we go.
Yes!
Here you go.
Thank you!
Thanks.
Hey, cheers!
Ooh, cheers!
Cheers.
What's in it?
I wish I could tell you.
He said it was a secret
family recipe or something.
LINDA: Oh, really?
(EMILY CHUCKLES)
It's good.
Do you guys mind
how we get back?
'Cause I was thinking maybe we
could take the scenic route.
We're gonna go past waterfalls.
I always see about 12 rainbows.
It's insane.
Or, if you want
we could just take the old,
boring, dusty highway.
I'll take the old,
dusty highway.
What? Do you
hear yourself?
Why are you
a life-ruiner?
Do you know what?
She is kind of right
'cause I think we'd save
probably a whole
five minutes.
So...
Okay.
Waterfalls and rainbows.
Where the hell are we?
Oh, we're just coming up
on a really beautiful view.
Do you guys have any service?
I have, like, no bars.
It's not letting me
post anything.
(GASPS AND STAMMERS)
All right. That's it.
No more scenic route.
Let's just get us
on the main road, please.
Are you sure?
I mean, this really is the way
to experience the culture,
you know.
No, thank you.
Mom, it's fine.
I'm sure.
No, it's absolutely not!
Just get us out, you know,
back, okay? And now!
I want you to do it right now.
EMILY: I'm so sorry.
That's okay. Listen,
I'm really sorry, guys.
I didn't mean to freak you out.
Listen, I'm just gonna have
to turn around up here
and then we'll get back
to the road.
EMILY: What was the name
of that dance
that we were doing
the other night?
Mom, you should have seen it.
Oh, my God!
Capoeira!
Capoeira!
(GASPS)
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
Oh, my God!
Where are we?
(WHIMPERING)
(STAMMERING)
Why would they take us?
Oh, my God!
Oh, fuck! Ew. Ew.
Mom, why aren't you talking?
Because I'm trying
to remain calm.
And when I think about
where we are
and what's happening,
I start to panic.
And I don't want to panic.
So I have chosen to believe
that I am reading
a very compelling article
on local farming practices.
What the fuck is that?
Is that porn?
Because
when I think about all this...
(YELLS) I get upset!
Oh, my God.
So I'm moving on
to another article
about this woman's asshole.
Her asshole?
Because I just don't know
what else to do.
EMILY: on, my God!
Do you think James is okay?
Do you think they're
holding him here?
Oh, Emily, don't you know
that James is part
of all this, honey?
How can my daughter
be so foolish?
How could she
just not know this?
I am sorry that this happened.
But I will get us
out of here, okay?
I'm gonna call...
Oh, my God.
They took my phone.
Oh, my God, they took my phone!
(CRYING) It's fine.
That's fine.
We just gather raw materials.
Okay, we...
And we make a shiv.
I saw this.
No.
I saw it. Yes!
No. We fight, we lose.
Holy shit!
What are you
holy-shitting about?
Oh, the blood on the wall?
Oh, well, that's there.
Hey, how about the scorpion,
over there in the corner?
What? Oh, my God!
It's a fucking scorpion!
Mom, you have to kill it.
I'm not gonna kill it.
Kill it!
I can't kill it.
(BOTH SHRIEK)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
EMILY:
Where have you taken us?
LINDA:
I have a few questions.
We have a very
high-up family,
and you're in a lot of trouble.
What the fuck is this?
That is heat-activated
birth control, sir,
so please
keep that refrigerated.
This was a day.
This was a day trip.
I know, but I like to be
prepared. It's important.
What's your PIN number?
One
two
three
four.
Oh, God.
I was gonna change it.
Do you have husband?
I am divorced.
EMILY: I also don't have
a husband yet.
What about Jeffrey?
My son, Jeffrey.
Oh, my God. Our lives
depend on Jeffrey.
(JEFFREY HUMMING)
(PIANO PLAYING)
JEFFREY: Shit.
What you're doing is shit.
It sucks.
(PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS) Okay, just think
about how to be better.
You got Jeffrey.
MORGADO: Hello, Jeffrey.
We have your mother
and your sister.
And you will now pay ransom.
Pardon?
$100,000.
Wired by noon tomorrow.
Okay, I don't know who this is,
but if you keep pranking me,
I will report it to the police.
It will become a police matter,
and you will go to jail.
Okay?
I'm with Jacob right now.
It's his piano lesson.
So fuck off.
Unfortunately,
for Linda and Emily
it is very real.
Await further instructions.
Mama? Hello! Hello!
(DOOR THUDS)
EMILY: on, my God.
(EMILY WHIMPERS)
(EXHALES)
Not too bad.
However, I have to move you,
and that is annoying to me.
Fortunately, you have
not made me angry.
Should you ever make me angry
I will skin you alive
while your mother watches.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
EMILY: What does that mean?
Oh, God.
Oh, my God. No! No!
Fight, Mom. Fight!
Fight, Mom!
Go limp. Go limp!
EMILY: No!
Go limp.
I have a real phobia about this.
Of what? Being locked
in a car trunk?
Yeah, I think everybody's
got that one, Mom.
EMILY: Oh, my God!
I feel like I can get this.
It's loosening.
Hold on.
Wait, I think I got it.
Oh! Okay.
Do me! Do me!
No. I don't care.
Okay.
Okay. It's off.
Oh, my God.
EMILY: Oh, my God.
We're stopped.
Okay, he's out.
What do we do?
LINDA: I saw this
on Dateline once.
These people were trapped
in a trunk,
and they found these wires...
EMILY: Wait, wires?
I feel some wires.
Just grab it?
Yeah.
Should I pull it?
Yes.
EMILY: Oh!
Oh, we're out! Okay.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Okay.
Okay, this way, come on.
Mom, what are you doing?
My knees.
Keep UP!
On, shit! (GROANS)
I told you not to wear
your flip-flops!
It wasn't
flip-flop related, Mother.
(BOTH EXCLAIM)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
EMILY: Oh, shit!
Go, Mom!
Go!
Ola!
LINDA: on, my God!
EMILY: Mom! Come on!
I'm trying!
Come on!
I'm coming.
Watch out, Mom!
He's right behind you!
Emily!
Come on!
Oh, my God.
Come on!
(DRIVER SHOUTING IN SPANISH)
(CONTINUES IN SPANISH)
LINDA: He's got my leg!
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(EMILY GASPS)
(LINDA GROANING)
EMILY: We're stopped.
This is the end of the line,
whatever that means.
Come on, honey.
Ma, do you think there's
any way that, like,
maybe that guy's okay?
I saw his brains.
Why can't you just
make me feel better?
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
You are such a sweetie.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
What? Hector Morgado?
(CONTINUES IN SPANISH)
This is...
Honey, he's nervous.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
EMILY: Wait,
where are you going?
LINDA:
Where are you going?
EMILY: Should we get
back in here?
What are we supposed to do?
LINDA: Okay, we gotta get
out of here. Let's go.
EMILY: What we need to focus
on is that we got out.
LINDA: I don't know
why I let you talk me
into this in the first place.
I should have stayed
at the hotel.
I can't fight with you
right now. I'm starving.
Do you hear my stomach?
It's, like, crazy.
I'm so hungry.
(LINDA EXCLAIMS)
Oh, my God.
LINDA: A phone!
A turkey leg!
MORGAN: Mmm-hmm,
hold on one second.
State Department,
this is Morgan.
(MUFFLED) Please listen
very carefully to me, sir.
My mother and I
have been kidnapped.
Mmm, okay,
where are you guys now?
Puerto Matias.
That's in southern Colombia.
Let me pull that up.
Will you hold on for one second?
They took us to Colombia.
It's fine, it's fine.
It's just a different...
(GASPING)
ZIP code.
It's so far.
Okay.
Okay, go ahead and get out
a pencil and paper for me.
And write down "Calle..."
"Cali" What?
Is this a tall building
that we need to get to
so you can pick us up
on the top of it?
That's the address
of the nearest
US consulate in Bogota.
Okay, but you have
to actually come get us
because we are Americans
in peril. So...
I'm sorry to tell you,
but any time you
travel internationally,
you take a risk.
Most of Colombia is beautiful
and very safe now.
With the exception
of Puerto Matias,
which is very much not.
So trust no one.
Good luck.
And thanks for calling
the US State Department.
(SIGHS)
(MUTTERING)
You talked to him.
What'd he say?
I think we're gonna need
to make another phone call.
We're gonna get you out of this.
I don't know if you remember
me telling you this
but Barb was in the special ops.
So she's highly trained
for this type of situation.
Let me tell you a story
about Barb.
We're on a limited time card.
We really need...
1991, Kuwait.
Hot as fuck...
Hello?
(BEEPING)
(SIGHS) on, my God.
EMILY: This place seems okay.
Hi.
Hi. When does
the next bus leave?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Bus doesn't leave
for about 36 hours.
Oh, my God.
But I know a man
who can take care of you.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure he could.
Mmm-hmm.
This is how sex slavery
starts, honey.
I'm so sorry.
Listen, no. You don't
have to worry about that.
Those kinds of people want
young, beautiful females.
You're safe.
Oh, well, yeah.
That's good.
Okay, how dare you!
Like, that is so rude.
That's crazy.
Well, honey.
No. Like, how dare you.
That's my mother.
Honey, have a peanut.
Okay, fine. But if you
think it would be safer
for me to kind of, like
go hide and then
she meets your friend
who knows
how to get us to the...
No, I don't want you to do that.
No, you're both safe.
How do you mean?
Your poofy face
will protect you.
But, over there,
that man is who I mean.
Can I help you, ma'ams?
He's American.
America!
Oh, my God.
We're Americans. Hi.
I'm Emily and this is Linda.
Hi, I'm Linda.
You don't even understand
the ordeal
that we have just been through.
LINDA: Yeah, I mean,
we were kidnapped.
EMILY: We really need to
get to the US consulate in
Bogota?
Right.
As soon as possible, kind of.
So, if you know the easiest way.
The easy way?
(ALL LAUGHING)
They were laughing
at something else.
You're not going to find
that in Colombia.
Ah, you've got mountain
ranges to the north.
Mom, come on.
Jungles to the east and west.
And, well, the mighty one, the
river, she's to the south.
There is no easy trek.
There's a reason
they call Colombia
"The sack of the jaguar."
I never heard of that before.
I'll tell you what.
I've got a slow boat,
headed down river.
I can take you east
along the Amazon
and stretch it up north.
We should be able to
drop you off close enough
that you can make it to Bogota
without too much trouble.
Name's Roger Simmons.
The boat's docked just out back.
Crew's getting her seaworthy
as we speak. So...
I'll check in with them
then come back for you.
Thank you.
Seor!
Chicken wings for the ladies.
You're safe with me.
Thank you.
(CHUCKLING) Yeah!
Slow boat!
Slow boat.
You wanna get the chicken wings?
That'd be great.
(EMILY MOANING)
Ma, stop.
Don't, like, caress me.
Oh, sweetie.
You look just like you did
when you were three.
Okay. You need to start
dating again.
What?
Yeah, you do.
Oh, please. Don't start
with this again.
Why? I've been there, done that
All right, I'm gonna pee.
Don't let them
take the wings away.
Okay, honey.
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God. Help!
Mom! Oh, my God! Ow!
EMILY: on, my God.
(MORGADO GRUNTS)
That's him.
That's the guy.
Oh, God.
EMILY: Hi, sir.
Remember us?
Shut the fuck up.
Why did you come
to South America?
I didn't want to come.
I never wanted to come.
For the cultural experience
and the Red Cross.
You come down here
you stay at your fancy resort
clutching your pearls.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
Look at my people
like you are at the zoo.
What the fuck?
You offer nothing here to them.
And you take everything.
And then
you kill my only nephew.
Oh!
Oh, my God.
Oh, no. No.
EMILY: We had no idea.
LINDA: We didn't know.
We're new in town.
EMILY: We're very new.
BOTH: He was cute.
He was fast.
You should have seen him
in those last moments.
I'm sorry. But listen,
you kidnapped us.
And that's what motivated that.
So, like
that is on you.
LINDA: Okay. What?
Wait a minute.
She's really such a good kid.
She is garbage.
No.
Yeah. Yes.
EMILY: Yes, I am.
Yes, you are.
I am garbage.
I have never voted.
I don't know any Spanish.
I only know one word.
What they called me at my job
at the restaurant. Puta!
Which I don't know
what it means.
"Princess" or "pretty" or...
It means "whore."
That checks out.
You took someone from my family.
I must take someone from yours.
(WHIMPERING)
That is the way it is.
I didn't make the rules.
Not this one.
EMILY: Mom.
Okay. Okay.
Hold on. Look!
A spear gun.
I want you to take that,
and I want you
to threaten him with it.
Okay, I'm gonna distract them.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna distract them!
You're distracting them?
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
(GAGGING)
My son!
MY son! My only son!
(SCREAMS)
What?
Kill them!
I told you to threaten him.
That's his son?
Someone order a boat
with a side of adventure?
Shut the fuck up, Roger!
MY son! My only son!
EMILY: Go!
LINDA: Let's go!
Manuel! Quickly, the boat!
Come on, Mom!
(MUFFLED GUNSHOTS)
(PHONE RINGS)
This is Morgan Russell.
Yes! Morgan Russell!
I'm the one that's been calling
about the Middleton ladies
and their situation
down in South America.
Let's go get 'em.
What's the plan?
Right, so, I told her
to contact me
once she gets to Bogota.
Mmm-hmm.
There's not much more I can
do, unfortunately, sir.
Okay, I imagine that
you have some kind of
commando squad.
Maybe, like, four
underground criminals
who were tried for a crime
they didn't commit.
And they've been living
in the underground
kinda helping people
along the way, almost
Sir, were you born in the '70s?
Yeah.
Mmm.
That sounds like The A-Team.
It is The A-Team.
Do you have an A-Team?
We actually disbanded that
program in 1994, sir.
Fuck! Shit!
Okay, here's how you can help.
Pull out a pen
and a piece of paper.
Okay.
And write down, "If you feel
the urge to call again
"resist it."
Wait. That's the advice?
That's what you're giving me?
Yep-
(LINDA SIGHING)
I don't remember the
last time I had a drink.
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
Mom, you need to relax.
All right?
You're stressing me out.
I can't relax.
The most terrifying man
lever saw in my life
was going to cut us up
in little pieces
with his machete.
And that was before
you murdered his son.
Accidentally murdered.
But, Mom.
What?
Can we focus on the positive?
Because we are safe now.
We're safe?
You think we're safe?
Yeah, we're safe.
We're on a boat.
Look how fast they found us!
I mean, I'm going to be
looking over my shoulder
for the rest of my life.
And then when I go
to sleep at night,
I'm going to have an image
of that spear going into
that man's throat. Ugh!
Why would you
bring that up, Mom?
Can't you just comfort me?
Can you just please be my parent
and make me feel better?
Do you want me
to make you feel better?
Yes.
You are a very gifted murderer.
Okay.
You know, Mom,
just because you can't
control this exact situation
does not mean you have
to lash out at me.
I can't stop my hands
from shaking, honey.
Maybe you need to chill out
with the drinking,
just a little bit, Mom.
Look, Roger is gonna
get us home.
Let's focus on that.
Roger's going to get us home
just like James was
taking you out on a date.
Get it?
Judgment.
(DOOR OPENS)
Linda, Emily.
Luis, here, just got word
that there's a boat
50 klicks back
looking for two American women.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Now, see? What'd I tell you?
Okay, okay.
We have no choice but
to slip off now onto a canoe.
I'll guide you through
the sack of the jaguar.
Oh uh...
You know, it's funny.
I've been looking for adventure
ever since I got to this
godforsaken land.
And now, well, now
it looks like
adventure's found me.
Yeah.
Yeah, it has.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(LINDA PANTS)
LINDA: Oh, I'm weak, honey.
You should eat something.
Hey, Roger.
Is this fruit okay?
Sure.
Okay.
(COUGHS)
Oh, wait, do you mean, like,
is it poisonous?
I don't know. Probably.
Oh, my God!
(SPITS)
Ladies, listen to me.
There's always a risk if you
want to feast on the sack.
At some point, you're gonna
have to pick your poison.
Starvation
or poison.
Mmm.
Vatmonos.
(WINCES) Oh!
Ow!
And, gosh, wasn't it weird
how soggy the wood was
when I tried to light it?
EMILY: So weird.
Linda, thanks for stepping up.
You really did a great job.
Yeah. It's awesome, Mom.
Thanks, honey.
EMILY: Roger, why don't you
tell us a story?
You've been an expedition
guide for forever, right?
Expedition guide?
Oh, that's flattering.
I haven't heard that one before.
Yeah, my story.
Uh, I've been here
three long weeks now.
First time on a plane.
'Til recently, I was a GM
at a Trader Joe's
up in Rochester.
Although, one could say that
the way that store was managed,
that was the real jungle.
(CHUCKLES)
And then, well,
my doctor said I was sick.
So, I said to myself,
"Roger! What the heck?"
"Go on down
to South America."
Oh, God. Are you ill?
Hmm? Yes, ma'am.
Caught the travel bug.
Oh, the travel bug.
I thought he was saying...
And cancer.
Doc gave me, oh,
a month to live,
which gives me about
a week now, so, yeah.
I mean, because you're
not just gonna
walk on in to the Amazon
if you're expecting
to walk on out.
And so, yeah.
No.
(CHUCKLES) Sure.
We got a big day tomorrow, huh?
So I think we need to catch
a little shut-eye.
Someone needs to stand watch.
Why don't you guys
take the first shift?
Wake me up in ten hours.
(GRUNTS) Oh, boy!
I don't know if I'll ever
even be able to get to sleep.
(ROGER SNORING)
LINDA: God. Ugh! (SPITS)
Why are we still following him?
He's a cashier.
He's a manager, Mom.
Just stay positive.
Feel free to drink
from any puddle you see.
All water in the jungle is safe.
You have no information.
(ROGER GRUNTS)
(ECHOING) Wait.
And just over this ridge
that's the quickest way
to Bogota.
(CHUCKLES)
We're going to swing over
to the other side.
One at a time.
I'll go first
'cause I'm the man.
ROGER: Ha-ha!
(SCREAMING)
(LINDA GASPS)
(SCREAM ECHOING)
Oh!
Fuck! Shit!
Okay, Okay-
Oh, my God!
This is bullshit!
Okay.
LINDA: on, my God!
Maybe he's okay.
Okay, okay, okay-
Okay.
Okay.
O kay? O kay?
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
(PHONE RINGING)
Russell.
Hello, Morgan.
(MORGAN SIGHS)
Sir, you've called
12 times today.
I've already told you.
I've been in touch with
the US consulate in Bogota.
They put out an alert
with the Colombian military
and police.
All we can do is wait
until we hear from them.
And I wonder what
Joanne would think about this.
Wait, did you say "Joanne"
like, my wife, Joanne?
Is this some kind of a threat?
(STUTTERS) No,
I didn't say Joanne.
You said "Joanne."
I said "Yo, Anne."
No, you said "Joanne"
like you've been on my
Facebook page or something.
Let me tell you something.
You called an officer
of the US government
and threatened his wife
over the phone.
I'm gonna tell you what's
gonna happen right now
so I want you to get
real quiet, okay?
If you call this number one
more motherfucking time
I'm gonna show up at your house,
handcuff you
to the bumper of your car
and drag you to federal prison,
where you will be skull raped
to within an inch of your life,
every single fucking night!
I don't think
you're gonna enjoy that.
Oh, yeah?
I'll come to your house,
and I'll fuck your dick.
You know what? Hold up.
(PHONE RINGING)
Yo, yo, yo! (MOUTHING)
"Yo, yo, yo"? That's racist, Jeffrey.
That's fucked up.
"Yo, yo, yo"?
Yo, this is This is Derrick.
What's your last name, Derrick?
Black.
Now let me tell you something.
That threat you made
is all fucked up.
I'm gonna come to your house.
I got your address right here.
Picture this
I'm a bag of dicks
Put me to your lips
I am sick
I will punch a baby bear
in his shit
Give me lip
I'ma send you to the yard
Get a stick
Make a switch
I can end a conversation
real quick
I am crack
I ain't lyin'
Kick a lion in his crack
I'm the shit
I will fall off in your crib
Take a shit
Pinch your momma on the booty,
kick your dog, fuck your bitch
Fat boy dressed up
like he's Santa
And took pictures
with your kids
We the best, we will cut
a frowny face in your chest
Little Wench
I'm unmentionably fresh
I'm a mensch
Get correct
I will walk into a court
While erect
LINDA: Okay,
where do we go now?
Roger said
it's just across the ridge.
Roger is dead.
I realize that.
Yeah, and he didn't know
anything.
Just use the map, Mom.
LINDA: on, my God.
This is a placemat
from a restaurant.
Everything will be fine.
Everything is not fine,
Emily Louise.
Look where we are.
Look where we are.
In the middle of the Amazon!
Oh, my God!
That's how desperate I am
to spend time with you.
I see you all the time.
You see me when you
need something.
That's not true.
Yeah, and you know what?
When I just say anything
just remotely critical...
Wait!
"Remotely critical"?
Mom, you flat-out insult me.
All the time.
What?
It's not a good way
to raise kids.
What do you know
about raising kids?
What do you know about anything?
Except posting
pictures of yourself?
Okay, well, I only post
so many pictures of myself
because I want
people to witness me
having an interesting, full life
and give me compliments
in the comments.
You can do that without
posting pictures. I do.
You have a full,
interesting life?
You just check the locks
all day.
And change the kitty litter.
You hide in your home
with your adult son.
Are you saying that
I've wasted my life?
I didn't say that.
You know what?
You're wrong!
Because I had you.
And I had your brother.
So don't you dare say
I wasted my life.
I gave you everything I had.
Everything!
And I did it alone!
What the hell have you
ever done for anybody?
For 18 years
your mother is the most
important person
to you in your entire life.
And then...
And then...
One day, poof!
You're gone.
And then what are you
supposed to do?
Like, just adjust?
Just like that?
It's not possible, Emily.
You were mine.
And now, you're not.
And I...
I miss you.
Mom, I'm right here.
I'm the one who
invited you on this trip.
I'm on this trip, Emily,
because you didn't want
to drink Mai Tais alone.
No! You are
the mergle fur!
What the hell is mergle fur?
Oh, Emily! (ECHOES)
on!
(BOTH GASP)
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
Thank God!
What's going on?
Honey, we're so lucky
because I had to drag you
all the way through
the jungle, looking for help.
And I ran into Dr. Armando
and his friend.
Now, this is Maco,
who I've been teaching
a little English.
No big deal.
Go ahead.
Hello.
Ah!
Good.
That's great.
He's been assisting me
as I search local plants
for a compound
that could potentially...
Are you ready?
Cure cancer.
(GASPS) That is amazing!
I think so.
Yes, thank you.
All right.
Well, thank you, guys.
Thanks, Macho.
LINDA: You ready?
Yeah, we're gonna
head out of here.
Oh, you can't go just yet.
Um, you have a parasite in you.
What?
What's that?
Here's the thing.
Your mother told us
that you've been, like,
extremely hungry lately.
And thankfully,
when you passed out
you shat yourself.
Thank God.
Never seen so much shit.
(BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH)
Yeah.
Okay, we understand.
It was a lot of shit.
Lots of shit. Yes.
I'm sorry.
But through that, we could
take a stool sample
and test it
and determine that
you have a tapeworm.
A tapeworm?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Tapeworm.
(ROARING)
What?
Can I look at that?
Yes, please. A second opinion is...
Yes.
Please, please, please.
Go ahead.
So what's the treatment?
Like a Z-pack?
If it's already affecting
your appetite,
I think it's probably...
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
It's pretty significant.
Oh!
Listen.
We're out of praziquantel
so we're going to have
to substract it
from you manually.
What? Manually? What?
With my manuals.
That's fuckin' gross.
Good news! Right now,
the tapeworm
is really hungry, right?
So what we're gonna do
is we're gonna lodge open
your throat
and dangle a piece of meat
in front of your throat.
Try to coax it out.
It'll feel safe,
but it's not safe
because I'm gonna pull it.
No!
Slowly!
Slowly! Slowly!
Then, slap it down.
Slap it down. Kill it.
You both have to pull it out?
It's a two-man job, ma'am.
It's a two-man job, I'm sorry.
I've got a worm, Mom.
I know.
Mom!
I'm here.
Get the worm out, Mom.
I'm your pillar.
Hello.
Oh, hello.
(EMILY WHIMPERS)
When will we know
when it's working?
When we look into
the worm's eyes, Linda.
(GASPS)
Come outside and face me.
Yes. Show me your face.
Oh, here it comes. Okay.
LINDA: Okay.
(CHOKING)
Oh. What?
Oh, it's coming.
It's making its way.
Okay, relax, I got this. Move.
(CHOKING)
EMILY: Knock me out!
Knock me out!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
What are you doing?
Okay! Okay!
(SQUEALING)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Help me. Help me!
LINDA: (SIGHS)
It's not like at home.
JUNGLE DOCTOR: I bet.
Oh, there she comes.
LINDA: Oh, look!
EMILY: Hi.
Hi.
LINDA: Baby.
Hi.
LINDA: (SIGHS)
Do you feel better?
I feel great. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, good.
EMILY: Yeah.
LINDA: You did good.
Hi, Maco. Thank you.
Emily, this is
a traditional gift
that the village made for you.
It's for protection
while you're here.
For me?
Yes, for you.
Oh, my God.
That's so nice.
(LAUGHTER)
It's heavy. It's thick.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
It's, like, hurting.
Thank you.
It's tight.
Something Kanye would design.
That's great.
Do they just kind of
do that all day?
JUNGLE DOCTOR: Oh, yes.
When we got here,
we provided a lift.
They used to have to walk
miles up the hill.
But, much easier now.
That's very thoughtful of you.
And what do the men do?
They just kind of straight
chill, or... (CHUCKLES)
Culturally,
the women do the work
and the men, they provide
the protection, you know?
Yeah.
That's fucked up.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Not for the men. Yeah.
That's so cool. This is
what you guys are up to.
Oh, I'm like in this now.
Okay.
Ooh!
(EXHALING)
Emily! The doctor said
he could get us to Bogota.
That is amazing.
Oh, my God!
Okay. Do I have
a couple minutes?
'Cause I'm kinda helping...
Helping out the ladies.
(CHUCKLES)
Thank you. (LAUGHS)
Come here, you know
I got you, girl
Look at you helping.
Yeah, I am helpful.
(CHUCKLES)
Honey, you know, when
I said that, I didn't mean...
What?
That I'm selfish
or that I'm worthless?
Which part of our fight?
Emily, come on.
I didn't mean that.
It's fine.
I know how you see me.
Yeah? Okay.
(GUNSHOTS)
(BOTH GASPS)
EMILY: Oh, God.
JUNGLE DOCTOR:
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit, shit, shit!
There's some very bad men
looking for you.
They have guns.
They've blocked the main
entrance. It's really bad.
We're fucked!
No, nobody's being fucked,
okay? I got an idea.
I got an idea.
Go, I'll stall them.
Go, go, go.
Yeah?
(GRUNTS)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Honey, get in here!
This won't hold both of us.
I'm too heavy.
No, you're perfect.
You're just perfect.
Okay, hold on tight.
And, remember,
when you get down there,
get to the embassy.
No, Mom!
I want to stay with you!
Mom!
Mom! (GASPS)
Everything's gonna be okay.
I love you!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(WHIMPERS)
(GASPS)
Oh.
(OWL HOOTING)
MAN: Hello.
Emily.
Hi.
Hi.
We were able to get your items
sent over from the hotel.
Any updates on my mom?
Oh, I'm sorry.
There's nothing yet.
But we are gonna get you
an escort
to the airfield base...
And then someone will
get you home from there.
I'm not doing that.
I'm not going anywhere
without my mother.
Can I be candid with you?
Yeah. What?
It's my third day.
And I guess everybody
takes off on Fridays,
but they didn't tell me
because it's my third day.
So if you could just
take your box and go.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
I just need to find my mother.
That's why I'm here.
The only reason my mother
even came on this trip
is because I made her.
Because I am selfish.
And I need help
finding her right now,
and I need you to be the guy
that helps me.
Come on, man.
Be that guy.
Who's the guy?
Not me!
It isn't.
It's never been.
I'd love to be the guy who
sweeps you off your feet
and is your hero
and can save your mother
and take care of you
and maybe we hook up.
I don't know.
Wait, what?
But I'm just saying
that I am not that dude.
So I need you to be that girl
who just takes your box
and walks outta this office
before you draw
any more attention
to the fact that I don't
know what I'm doing.
Can I just use your phone?
Can you be the guy
that lets me use his phone?
Yes. See? That I can do.
Come on.
(EMILY CLEARS THROAT)
(EMILY SIGHS)
I haven't been trained
on the phone system.
Oh, my God!
Hello, Morgan.
Hell, no.
Choose your next move
carefully, brother.
(BONES CRACKING)
(GROANING)
Wait! No, no, no!
Don't touch me.
Security!
Purell! Put on Purell!
I fucking hate germs.
Fucking shit! Let me
have my day in court.
All right, wait, wait, wait!
Morgan, I'm a middle-aged man
who never leaves the house.
All I have in this world
is my mama and my sister.
And if something happens to them
then all I'll have is you.
And I'm telling you right now
I'm fucking annoying.
I've read all
the Game of Thrones books.
I'll text you spoilers.
Please.
(SIGHS)
(MOCK SOBBING) I don't
want to go to an orphanage.
I can't be an orphan.
I need my mama!
Help me find my mama!
Thank you so much for answering.
I didn't know who else to call.
I'm all alone.
The guy I dealt with
at the embassy was insane.
Emily, we're gonna
get you through this.
But Barb wants me
to let you know one thing.
She refuses to use
sexual humiliation
as an interrogation technique.
What are you talking about?
Fine! She'll use it.
I don't care what she does.
Just can you help me?
Meet us at
the Presidente Apartments
at 19 hours.
ROSS: We're trying to use
her cell signal
to narrow down their location.
Colombian military is setting
up a couple stingrays
in the region now.
We can have a unit ready
to go in by tomorrow.
JEFFREY: Well,
we got a big problem
'cause that unit needed
to be there yesterday.
I told you to shut the fuck up!
Okay.
Go ahead, solider.
ROSS: We've got reports
coming in that puts them
about 50 miles
outside of Bogota.
MORGAN: Yeah, that's
Morgado territory all right.
Who's Morgado?
Let's just say he's none
of your goddamn business.
Let me come with you.
MORGAN: No!
Please!
Absolutely not!
I'll translate.
You speak Spanish?
I speak Dothraki.
I speak Klingon.
You speak Klingon?
(BABBLING)
Nope.
Know what that means?
It doesn't mean anything.
I'm coming with.
You're not going anywhere.
I think I see them right there.
Is that them?
Little specks there?
Zoom in. Enhance.
You know, why don't
you wait outside.
Go, go in the hallway.
Fuck!
MORGAN: Nerd. He's a nerd.
EMILY: So what's the plan?
We have someone here I think
you're gonna want to see.
James?
Oh, my God.
EMILY: What's going on?
Thank fuck. Emily. Listen,
you've gotta help me, please.
We found him sitting at the bar,
chatting up another
pretty young girl.
It's a scam, Emily.
Yeah, so Barb waited
for him outside
smacked him in the back of the
head, threw him in the car
and here we are.
It's not a scam.
These women are crazy.
This whole fucking thing
is insane.
Crazy?
Oh, you wanna know crazy?
You remember
my platonic friend, Barb?
Oh, Barb!
We were supposed to go
to the Arizona Gem Show
but instead, I'm here,
fucking with you.
(CHOKING)
You should know that Barb
spent her life in special ops.
Not that bullshit regular ops.
She's retired now
so she doesn't have her toolkit.
But she was able to
improvise a few things.
Which, I'm pretty sure,
will all be applied
to your dick hole area.
Esmeraldas!
She's in Esmeraldas.
It's, like,
an hour's drive from here.
We got a real Chatty Cathy here.
Give me a map. I can mark it
on the map for you.
Write it down.
You want to start here...
Barb is really upset
about this. She had plans.
Now this doesn't always
show up on Waze
but you be sure to take that one
because it's the quickest route
if you want to avoid traffic.
EMILY: Okay.
Okay, let's go.
Listen, Emily.
Be sure you check all the rooms.
She'll probably be held
on the third floor.
One of the rooms in the back.
Do you have any loyalty
to the people who hired you?
Hey, Emily, can I just
say, as well, you...
Fuck, you look great.
Thank you.
I got a tapeworm.
Well, it's working for you.
Hey, listen!
Are we, uh...
Am I ever going to
see you again?
Well, I don't know.
I guess if you're, like,
in New York,
we could get a drink.
In your wet dreams,
motherfucker.
I had this bad bitch Uptown,
she was whoa!
Had me fucked up in the head
I mean, whoa!
Bought the bitch diamonds
And pearls, I mean, whoa!
Shoulda seen them shits
shinnin' on her wrist, whoa
(WHISPERS) Be super quiet.
(FEMALE GPS VOICE) You have
arrived at your destination.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
EMILY: Fix it!
(BEEPS)
Let's go get your mom.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Just walk.
Huh?
(DOOR CLOSES)
(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY) OW!
Shh! Okay.
(WHISPERING) We're all
gonna jump down there,
sneak past those guys
and get your mom.
Okay.
(VEHICLE ENGINE STARTS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(TV PLAYING)
(PEOPLE WHOOPING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING IN SPANISH)
Fuck, fuck, fuck
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(LOCK RATTLES)
(GASPS)
(GASPS)
Oh, honey!
I made a shiv.
(SOBS) You're alive.
Oh, my God, Mom.
I'm so sorry
I got you into all of this.
(SHUSHING)
I should have just
listened to you.
I should have listened to you.
That's okay.
You're always there.
If I'm sad or lonely.
And it's 3:00 in the
morning, I call
and you answer.
You always answer.
I know, I know.
You're that person for me, Mom.
Okay, honey. (SHUSHES)
I'm so sorry.
I love you.
Honey, this is
a really long hug.
Can we have just
one more second?
I really thought you were dead.
This is great,
but we really got to get
the fuck out of here.
Okay, Okay-
(DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE)
LINDA: Okay, okay.
(BOTH GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
Okay.
The car's over here.
LINDA: Oh, my God.
EMILY: Are you okay?
No.
(TIRES SQUEAL)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
BOTH: Oh, my God!
LINDA: Put up the window.
Do you have some cyanide
we could take, or something?
Oh, my God!
Hurry up! Hurry up!
(LINDA SCREAMS)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
It doesn't hurt too much,
but roll it down.
No.
Roll it down, pendeja.
No!
Push the fucking button.
I can't, pendeja.
It's broken.
It's broken?
Yeah, sorry. Goodbye.
(SCREAMING)
Hi!
No! No! No!
No! No!
No!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(CHOKES)
No!
Now, I'm gonna kill you.
Don't touch my daughter!
(GRUNTS)
(COUGHS)
(BOTH GROANING)
Don't move!
Now what?
Do you wanna dance?
(MOCK HUMS)
(EMILY GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
Yes!
Nice kick, malparida.
Nice kick.
Now
let me show you my dance.
Oh, my God.
(SOFT WHISTLE)
(MORGADO SCREAMING)
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
(WHISTLES)
Ugh! Okay.
I beg you.
Don't shoot me.
You fucked with
the wrong bitches.
Yeah, you did.
Kill him, Mom.
No. I can't.
This is a mom thing.
No, this isn't a mom thing.
You got this.
It's not what I do well.
EMILY: I don't do it well.
You did it before.
Those were accidental.
I can't hold it anymore.
Okay, here I go.
Go!
I'm gonna count down,
I'm gonna do it.
Please. Please.
100...
99...
(VEHICLES APPROACHING)
Oh, fuck!
Oh, thank God!
Come on. Kill me.
Now I'm getting the confidence.
Give me that thing.
Oh, okay.
No, I can't do that.
I just got excited.
Don't move!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(GRUNTS)
I will kill you.
Very rude!
Very rude!
Here we go.
Moving in hot.
This is what we trained for.
You, on the roof.
You, on the roof.
You, also on the roof.
Everyone on the roof.
I know you're scared...
Again, shut the fuck up, man!
Okay?
Okay,
Jeffrey.
What?
Jeffrey!
Mama...
Mama! Mama!
Mama!
(SOBBING) Mama!
(INAUDIBLE)
I missed you.
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God!
I'm so happy to see you.
I left the house.
EMILY: You left the house.
I made all these men come...
EMILY: What?
Oh!
Here! I made them come here
to get you.
I missed you!
I missed you, too!
Hey. Agent Russell.
Let me take that from you.
Good job with Morgado.
We've been looking for him
for a while.
Oh, my God.
He's so mean.
Anyway, your brother
really cares about you.
Mama!
He's a real bummer.
Oh, yeah. The worst.
Yep. Awful.
Full agreement.
Morgan. Morgan!
(YELLS) What?
Thank you.
You're the best!
You're the best!
Thank you for your help.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I wanna go home so fucking bad.
I'm so hungry.
I'm so hungry.
(ENGINE TURNS OFF)
Let's get the fuck out of here!
(ALL CHEERING)
(MALAY MUSIC PLAYING)
Can I have just whatever
everyone is drinking?
Just, like,
your signature thing.
Yeah.
Hi.
HEY
What brings you down here?
Oh, uh...
I'm actually volunteering.
That's awesome.
Yeah, it's really fun.
Can I get you a drink?
Uh...
I'm kind of here with somebody.
Oh.
LINDA: Honey!
Hi, Mom!
Oh, God, this is so fun!
Isn't it?
I know.
Okay, so anyway, I met this
fascinating woman over there.
And she's gonna take us
to her home
and she's gonna teach us
how to make murtabak.
What is that?
It's a stuffed pancake.
Awesome!
I'm gonna go make a request
because I want to dance.
Oh, I love you.
(LAUGHING) I love you.
You're here with your mother.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
Why? (CHUCKLES)
Um...
She's fucking awesome.
That's really sweet.
Her tit is out.
Wait, what?
Oh, Mom!
Oh, dancing with myself
Well there's nothing to lose
And there's nothing to prove
I'll be dancing with myself
If I looked all
over the world
And there's every
type of girl
But your empty eyes
Seem to pass me by
Leave me dancing with myself
So let's sink another drink
'Cause it'll give me
time to think
If I had the chance
I'd ask the world to dance
And I'll be dancing
with myself
Oh, dancing with myself
Oh, oh, dancing with myself
Well there's nothing to lose
And there's nothing to prove
I'll be dancing with myself
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
If I looked all
over the world
And there's
every type of girl
But your empty eyes
Seem to pass me by
JEFFREY: Mama!
So let's sink another drink
'Cause it'll give me
time to think
If I had the chance
I'd ask the world to dance
And I'll be dancing
with myself
Oh, oh, dancing with myself
Oh, oh, dancing with myself
If I had the chance
I'd ask the world to dance
Oh, oh, oh
(SPANISH MUSIC PLAYING)