1
I'll get it, Pedro.
Snavely manor.
Oh hello, Roger...
Yeah, hold on a mo, will you?
Room 17!
Take up!
Yes, I'm still here, Roger.
I do wish Pedro would learn English.
Hang on, sorry Roger, we've got a guest
waiting an hour for toilet paper.
How long have you been ringing?
Henry was supposed to be on the desk.
No, nobody's checked in yet this morning.
Why?
Three of them?
Well, they'll probably skip us,
and it's just as well.
What's at your place?
No, we're about half full,
or were when I left...
Every time I leave Henry alone here,
I worry about how many we lost.
Oh, you devil, Roge...
Oh, Roge...
Got to go, call you back.
You found it.
- You'll never guess where.
Whatever made you look in the furnace?
Well, I was down in the cellar, and...
Wait a minute!
How... How did you know...
You hid it there!
Roger... Henry, you are not...
- Yes, Roger's certainly on your mind!
- It's just that I was talking to him...
I know you're always talking to him...
- It was a slip of the mind...
- Slip of the mind!
You are not going to hang
him in the lobby again!
I am so, when I find the hammer.
Where did you hide it?
- Henry, that goat smells!
- Mountain goat!
Whatever.
The guests complained.
Well some of the guests smell,
and I don't complain.
Look, we live here too.
Why is everything for the guests?
Because we are in the hotel business.
God, how I hate it.
You beg, you borrow, you steal,
you work like a dog to build a business,
and what have you got?
- A half-empty hotel.
- It was full when you inherited it.
- Well all you did was marry into it.
You forgot to order toilet paper again.
I didn't forget! When you ration it,
the guests don't waste it.
Somebody's at the desk...
Stop that racket!
You'll be taken care of,
just wait your turn.
That's our typical guest out there now.
Pushy.
Where the devil is that hammer?
- Somebody's still at the desk.
- I'm not deaf, you know.
Why do I have to do
everything around here?
All you do is work crossword puzzles
all day and talk to Roge on the phone.
Roger only called to tip us off
that there were three inspectors from
the international hotel guide in town.
I know why Roger's calling here
all the time, and that--
The international hotel guide?
Why didn't you tell me?
Do you realize what it would be
if we got a good rating from them?
A miracle.
Three inspectors, huh?
Maybe he's one of them,
he's sniffing around.
- That could be the goat.
- Maybe you're right.
Why don't I...
Why don't I get rid of it?
Good idea!
If he's an inspector, I'll smoke him out.
Mr. Snavely will be right with you sir.
Is that yours?
Certainly not.
Good. We don't allow pets.
Ah, good afternoon, sir,
welcome to Snavely manor.
- I'd like a room.
- Certainly.
Will that be a single or a triple?
- I beg your pardon?
Well, if there were three of you,
we could put in a cot at no extra charge.
No, I'm alone. But I am very
particular about my accomodations.
Yes, I could tell right off that
you're a connaisseur of fine hotels.
Well, I do spend a lot of time
in them, in my line of work.
I'd like a quiet room,
spotlessly clean, with a view,
southern exposure, a king size bed with
linnen sheets and two woolen blankets,
and send a bowl of fresh
fruit on the night table.
That'll be number 8.
We'll move our things out right away.
No no nononono, Connie,
all of the roses at the window table.
That's where I want you
to seat mr. Bishop.
Oh I'm sorry, I thought it would look
nice with a rose on each table.
Don't apologize dear, you're here to learn
the hotel business and I'm happy to teach.
Excuse me...
I'd like a word with you.
- When I've finished my drink.
- You have.
- Excuse me.
What do you think you're doing?
- Well I know what you're doing?
What is that supposed to mean?
Fooling around with one
of the guests again.
- Henry, for heaven's sake...
- Never mind. I don't want this place
to look like a singles bar when
that hotel inspector comes in here.
Gladys, may I have the cheque please?
- It's on the house.
- I knew it!
- Now would you be so kind?
- It's a pleasure.
Bless you my child.
And thank you, my son.
- Something wrong, chief?
- Can't stand the news, Snavely.
Muggings, race riots, looting.
There was none of that in
Basterville while I was chief of police.
As I recall, seems to me there was only
one case of alleged rape in 12 years.
A remarkable record, chief.
If that cashier hadn't pressed charges
against me it wouldn't have ended.
You, chief?
Oh, she was jaywalking and I
pulled her over for a sobriety test.
Sobriety test?
You mean she charged you
with rape just for making
her blow up a balloon?
- We had another test.
- I don't care to hear about it.
Let me recommend
the beef stew la maison.
I've already had dinner Snavely, I think.
- Then why are you looking at the menu?
- I can't seem to remember what I had.
By the way have you seen
my pension cheque?
You cashed it last week, chief.
Ah, Mr Bishop.
Was the room to your liking?
- Adequate.
- I knew you'd be pleased!
Follow me. This way sir.
Connie!
A beautiful view of interstate 19.
Connie, take Mr Bishop's order
please, on the double?
Connie is working here for credit in her
college course in hotel management.
How is the stew?
A la maison monsieur! Excellent
choice! On the double, Connie.
No, wait a minute. Are the
vegetables in the stew fresh?
- Of course.
- They're not frozen, are they?
Because if they are frozen,
they're not fresh, are they?
Well, I can assure you they were
perfectly fresh when they were frozen.
Never mind the stew,
just bring me a cheese omelette.
Excellent choice, much better,
I'll get the chef right on it.
I have to make a phone call.
I'll be back in a minute.
Certainly, just use the phone in our...
your room, there'll be no charge.
You can take the window
table if you like Mr Foley.
- Thank you.
- Pedro.
I'll have the diet plate.
The diet plate.
Who are you?
My name is Foley,
I checked in this afternoon.
- What are you doing here?
- I'm going to have dinner.
Not at this table you're not.
It's taken.
Mrs Snavely put me here.
Well I'm Mr Snavely, and I run this
hotel. You'll have to sit over there.
Don't look chagrined sir, it's our
best table, away from the highway.
What do you want?
Why are you standing there?
Food! Food!
- What did you order?
- The diet plate.
Can't he speak English?
Albanian refugee. Might as well
give your order to the cat.
Bon appetite.
Don't put anybody else at the window
table, that's where I put Mr Bishop.
Oh I'm sorry, am I interrupting
you and Roger again?
Well it's okay, just as long as
you stay out of my dining room.
Just let me run my hotel.
- He sells hardware.
- What?
Mr Bishop. He sells hardware.
I listened in on his phone conversation.
- You listened in?
- Yes.
You listened in to a private
conversation of one of our guests?
That's right Henry.
The little rat, I'll kill him for this!
Pretending to be a hotel inspector!
It was your mistake!
Oh, Mr Bishop, we missed you!
Did you have a pleasant phone call?
Your phone receiver was greasy.
I had to wipe it off.
Henry!
He's still a guest.
I understand you're in the hardware game?
Yes.
Beats hell out of being
a hotel inspector, doesn't it?
I wouldn't know.
I didn't order this!
- I'm sorry, but you did!
I changed my order.
What's wrong with you people?
- You want to run this place?
- What?
Connie, Mr Bishop is taking over
the hotel. I'm having his beef stew.
It's not my beef stew!
Henry?
What's going on?
I'm just making Mr Bishop
more comfortable, dear.
Is everything alright Mr Bishop?
They've served me the wrong order.
I ordered a cheese omelette.
I'll straighten that out.
Troublemaker!
I didn't order this either.
Another problem, Mr Bishop? My, we
just can't seem to please you, can we?
I believe that's my diet plate.
If you were seated at the right table
it would have been served to you.
May I see the wine list?
We don't have a wine list,
just the house wine.
You should offer your guests a choice.
Another wiseguy wants
to take over this hotel!
Well I assure you, we are
not in the hotel business.
Then let me run the place.
We?
- I'm down here with two colleagues.
- Two of them?
- What?
- Two? Two?
- Yes, two of them, one of me,
that makes three of us.
- Where are they?
- They're staying at another hotel.
- Of course.
I do hope that everything is
to your satisfaction, Mr Foley?
How's the cottage cheese?
- I haven't had a chance to taste it yet.
Smells good.
I'm sure you'll be as delighted with
your dinner as our other guests.
- Snavely!
- Coming, sir.
Why am I being charged for beef stews,
a cheese omelette and a diet plate?
This hotel is a rip off.
- Shut up.
Bit of cheese caught in his throat.
Just stay calm, sir,
we'll have that out in a jiffy.
The Heimlich method,
it never fails to chokers.
I insist that our whole staff master it.
Don't let it disturb your dinner,
Mr Foley, just finish your coffee.
There now, mr. Bishop, not choking
on that nasty cheese anymore, are we?
Mr. Bishop is suing us.
Well just keep him in his room,
away from Mr. Foley.
You quite sure Mr. Foley
is the hotel inspector?
- No question about it.
- What are you looking for?
- Key to the fire alarm box.
- The what?
- I'm running a staff fire drill.
- What staff fire drill?
Well, you saw how impressed Mr.
Foley was with the way I handled.
that emergency with Bishop.
- I certainly did.
Well now I'm going to show
him how concerned we are
with the safety of our guests.
Where the devil is that key?
- You locked it in the safe.
Gladys, only an idiot would
lock a fire alarm key in a safe.
Right, dear.
- We are not sleeping in here.
- No. You are.
Well, for once, we're full,
and Mr. Bishop is still in our room.
I'll call Roger later and see if he has
something for me at the Siesta Lodge.
I know what Roger has
for you at the Siesta Lodge.
We're both sleeping here.
You set off the burglar alarm.
What was that?
Oh, the burglar alarm, Mr. Foley, just
running a check on our security systems.
Your valuables are snafe
here at Savely manor!
Hello, police department? Roy?
Well of course I know
the burglar alarm went off.
Just testing, want to see
if you boys are on your toes.
Well, call the car back!
Oh, by the way, Mr. Foley, we are having
a staff fire drill in just a few minutes.
- Wonderful...
- Snavely! Snavely!
I heard the burglar alarm.
- It was just a test, chief.
- Apprehend any suspects?
It was just a... with...
Why don't you go back to your room, chief.
- Aye. I'll get my service revolver.
- Fine. Lock yourself in and clean it.
Where is that key?
- What do you want?
- Not a damn thing from you!
- Where's Mrs. Snavely?
- Right here, Mr. Bishop.
In the name of heaven,
do something, my head is killing me.
I'll fix you an ice pack.
Try not to turn up any
more casualties while I'm gone.
- Mr. Snavely! Mr. Snavely!
- What? Yes?
Pedro got confused, and he thought
the burglar alarm was the fire alarm,
he chased everbody out of the
dining room out the back door!
- Voil, bandito, bandito.
- Bandito, where, where?
No!
Here, here.
Fire, fire. Savvy?
Fire, fire!
- Wonderful, get back in the kitchen.
- Kitchen!
Connie, go upstairs and get ready to
lead the guests through the fire escape.
- I'd rather not.
- Why not?
Because the last time I went up there,
the chief tried to give me a sobriety test.
- Connie, this is an emergency!
- Yes sir.
Out of my way! Out of my way!
Freeze! You're under arrest!
- There's nobody to arrest, chief.
- They got away again, huh?
- There's no burglary, chief.
Ignore him folks,
he's perfectly harmless.
Alright, folks, the staff fire drill
will start in a moment,
when you hear the alarm.
So just...
What are you all standing around for?
- Well, what do you want us to do?
- I don't care what you do!
I don't know why we go
through all this trouble anyway.
We should just let you all burn.
Alright folks, so that was the alarm.
Now clear the lobby, go to your rooms,
and the staff will be up there in a
minute to teach you how to escape.
- Fire, fire!
- No, no, there's no fire,
it's just a drill. Get back in the
kitchen, that's your station.
Now just be calm, clear the lobby, go to...
- Fire! Fire!
There is no fire, will you
just get back in there.
Stay calm. Go to your...
Why are you all...
There's no fire, you have to stay calm.
There's no f...
Fire! Fire!
Run for your lives!
Henry! Henry, what's going on?
There's a fire, and it's...
So sorry! Mr Foley!
Nothing like this has
ever happened before!
You won't put this
in your report, will you?
- What are you talking about?
- Look, there'll be...
There'll be no charge for your room.
You don't have to give us
a recommended rating. You don't
have to give us any rating at all.
Just forget all about Snavely manor!
- What?
It's not just a business
Mr. Foley, this is my life!
Oh for heaven's sake, the
international hotel guide
doesn't have to know you
stayed here, do they?
- The what?
- The international hot...
You're not a hotel inspector?
No I'm not a hotel inspector,
I wish to god I were!
Well forget all I said about no charge!
You'll pay like everybody else,
you bloodsucker!
The fire is out.
What happened to Pedro?
Gratitude, my dear.
I saved his life.
Let's see now, Snavely manor,
22 rooms, American clients.
Owner is mr. Henry Snavely,
a family operated just 10 minutes away.
Snavely, you'll hear
from my lawyer about this.
And you'll be getting a bill
for the clothes you ruined.
This is the worst hotel I've ever been in.
Well don't come crawling back here
when you need a room,
we reserve the right
to refuse service to anyone!
- Henry?
- Deadbeat...
- Henry, darling?
- What do you want?
These three gentlemen
would like to register.
Well register them, do I have
to do everything around here?
Three gentlemen?
Three...
Oh, never mind, darling.
I'll tell you what: Why don't you
hang your goat? I'll help you.