In every group of
friends, there's always one guy
who can best be described as
the inappropriate one.
I call that guy a Barry.
A Barry says and does things
other people only think.
And he does not know the word
propriety.
There are all kinds of
Barrys.
Old Barrys...
young Barrys...
and Barrys all over the world.
And that's me and my three
best friends when we were ten.
The one on the end,
that's our Barry.
His name is Barry.
Growing up we thought Barry
was hilarious.
He played pranks on girls,
he infuriated teachers
and we loved him for it.
But, as we've gotten older,
and started having careers,
wives, and families,
he's become an embarrassment,
a detriment to our
livelihoods and reputations,
a social wrecking ball.
I believe friendship
has no limits.
At least I did...
until Barry went too far.
He never, um,
passed up a opportunity
to appreciate a moment.
My, uh, dad had so many
great qualities.
Um... he was loyal.
He always put others
before himself.
He made an indelible
impression on- on everyone:
my mom, my son JT,
and myself.
Especially during that tough
time after my wife passed away.
So for all these reasons
and uh...
really too many more to count...
I'll miss you, Dad.
Thank you so much, Rafe.
Does anyone else
have any remembrances
they'd like to honor
the deceased with?
Just a simple anecdote or
memory to honor him by?
Really?
Oh, I should say something.
Hm?
- I should say something.
No you should not.
- Yes, I should.
Rafe's dad is not getting
the tribute he deserves.
We gotta celebrate
the man's life.
I think it's fine.
It's fine.
Next time, man.
Next time?
Barry.
- Anyone?
Sir?
Barry, have you thought about
what you're gonna say?
Yeah, for years.
No, no, no.
Hey, hey, shh.
- No, no.
Thank you.
I don't-
Hi, ev- hi- whoa...
it's louder than I thought.
My name, for those of you
who don't know me,
is, uh, Barry Burke.
And, uh, I been friends
with Rafe, Kurt, and Desmond
since we all went to camp
together in the fifth grade.
It was the best time of my life.
Our motto back then was,
"Pals forever,"
and it still is today.
As a matter of fact,
the first time I met Rafe
he proved to me
what a great pal he was
by pulling Suzy Henchey off me
when she tried to choke me
for kissing her.
Do you remember that?
Her, uh, her reaction
pretty much set the trend
for my present romantic life.
It is not good.
Uh, the point- the point is,
um,
I'd be remiss if I didn't say
a few words about his dad,
because he was such a
special guy to-to all of us.
I remember the time
in sixth grade when he-
he came to our school
and snuck us out of PE.
Took us to our first
porno flick.
I'll never forget that.
Kurt, you popped in your pants
right there in the theater.
Kurt the Squirt, that's where
that nickname came from.
That's interesting.
I remember thinking to myself,
"Jeez, Louise,
that is a lot of semen
for a ten-year old. "
I remember- I remember
we all had to clean it up.
Didn't happen.
Talk about leaving
an indelible mark.
I'll never forget that one.
I think maybe you should-
Yeah, yeah, and I remember
this other time
in the seventh grade
when he taught us how to
smoke the weed.
No, no, no.
Remember that?
Yeah, he taught us
how to roll it,
puff it, pass it.
He taught us how to smoke weed!
You- you got us so blazed, dude.
You got us so blazed,
you just- come here.
Sir-
- Oh my God!
Photo-op, hang on,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're not supposed to touch
the body...
And- and although he may have
had some honey on the side,
he loved you, Mrs. Griggs,
he loved you,
and I don't think there is
a single solitary soul
in this building
who doesn't know that.
Now, I could go on, and on,
and on about this...
...fella, but I won't.
We're gonna raise a glass
for you tonight, Mr. Griggs,
'cause we all know how much
you like to get your drink on.
Boom.
Hope they serve up there
in heaven.
All right, peace, Space Cowboy.
Why do you push me?
Thank you, Mr. Burke.
That was...
Um, if we could all just move
to the reception area,
um, very quickly,
just because I- we-
Come on.
What were you thinking Barry?
I thought everybody knew,
obviously.
No one knew,
least of all my mom.
It sounded do good in my head,
Rafe.
It sounded so regal.
- Regal?
Everyone probably suspected it.
What does that mean?
- Uh, Barry-
Wha- it means that
everyone knows you're too busy
chasing around random skanks
to spend any time with your son.
That is so not true.
Dad?
Hey, buddy. You okay?
Are you sad 'cause-
'cause Grandpa died?
I know, buddy.
It's, um, it's sad.
It's really just sad,
but, uh...
...do you know what?
Just think of the good times
and stuff.
Hey, hey.
Hey, buddy.
Hi, Uncle Barry.
Not doin' to good, huh?
No, me neither.
Do you remember
how you and your grandpa
used to get ice cream
every Sunday?
Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Yeah?
Do you want to honor him?
- Yeah!
Well hot dog!
Let's honor the man!
What are we doin' sitting here?
Meet me over at the dessert
tray in two minutes.
We'll see who can scarf back
three chocolate chip cookies
faster.
My money's on me, Short Stack.
All right?
Oh, and then- and then-
and then we're gonna put some
crumbs in Uncle Dan's jacket
because Uncle Dan
is a you know what.
Scrotum.
- Total scrote-bag.
Now go ahead and swing outta
here, you little monkey.
Wow, man, he really loves you,
Barry.
Yeah, you just gotta
make it fun, man, you know?
It's not that hard.
Rafe, you know,
you should go with him.
Yeah, I should.
I'll do that.
Uh, later.
Excuse me. I never got a chance
to thank you.
You run a lovely funeral, and-
You guys are giving me shit?
He's trying to get laid
at his dad's funeral.
Oh.
It's about the pitch.
I gotta take it.
Let's go.
My feet are killing me.
Okay, well, maybe just
one moment longer,
you know, for Rafe,
because it's a big day for him.
Well, it's not like we can
do anything for him.
His dad's already dead.
I just- I'll give you
another foot massage.
Whatevs.
Just find me when you're ready.
Alright, I love you-
Oh.
You gotta break up with her,
man.
What?
You gotta break up with her.
Are you on drugs?
- No.
She walks all over you.
You- you- you-
you're just too blind to see it
because you're in shock
that she talks to you,
let alone actually dates you.
Okay, n- news flash, uh,
Desmond and Rafe love her.
No they don't.
- Yeah, they do.
No, they don't like her either.
They're just too afraid
to tell you.
You deserve better than her.
She's mean.
She's manipulating you
with that kiss.
Don't you see that?
I mean, yeah...
any guy would gladly get up
to his nuts in her guts, okay?
That's not in dispute here,
okay?
he problem is she's a twunt.
It's a new term I'm using.
It's a combo of two words.
Guess which two.
Twitter?
- Twat and cunt.
Ah!
Yeah.
Would you prefer cwat?
The terms are
interchangeable.
She's not a twunt or a cwat.
- She's both.
No.
She's the one.
She's the one.
Oh, oh...
...oh...
I did it again, didn't I?
- Yeah.
I'm kidding- I was kidding
about her being a twunt, man.
And about her looking like
an eastern European porn star.
You didn't say anything about her looking
like an eastern European porn star.
Oh, not around you, no.
Okay, you look like...
a western European porn star.
That's what I'm shooting for.
You're the cwunt now, dawg.
What?
Peace.
Cwunt's not even a word,
Kurt!
Hey JT.
Let's get to those cookies,
huh?
Oh, man, I feel so bad
about what I did to Rafe.
It's the only thing
I can think about.
Man, you work with a lot of
pretty ladies, don't you?
Barry, look, I know you need
somebody to talk to right now,
but you can't just
drop by my office
whenever you feel like it,
okay?
Yeah, yeah, uh...
- This is an important time.
We're in the last run
of this pitch.
I'm up for creative director.
Are you listening?
Yeah.
- Well then-
Oh, yeah.
Oh, hell yeah.
Who is the cutey-pie?
Yeah, that's the, uh,
that's the account planner
I was telling you about.
That's her?
I'd hate being around that
all day.
You'd get horny enough
to go home and screw your wife
every once in a while.
Excuse me, but Rach and I
have plenty of sex.
Oh, you do?
I- I didn't know that.
When was the last time
you had intercourse?
Um...
My point exactly, Desmond.
Can I- Can I be totally blunt
with you for a sec?
Can you not be blunt?
- I don't think so.
I tried one time.
I had a migraine for three days.
Your marriage is not
your only problem, okay?
Whatever happened
to high school Desmond?
He was fun!
He, like, smoked pot
every once in a while,
play the keys, hang out.
Now you're like this
unrecognizable workaholic robot.
You won't even go out
for lunch with me.
Fine.
We'll get lunch, okay?
Just let me finish
these storyboards.
Oh, yeah, of course.
All about the work.
Because if we land this
account, dude,
it'll be a total game-changer,
you know what I mean?
Barry?
Good morning.
Oh, come on.
Oh my God.
Oh.
That is a bad combo.
- What's that?
Lox and sausages...
loxages.
Yeah, that's a lot of meat.
Yeah, don't do it.
- No.
How do you get any work done
around here?
Half way to Bonerville.
Where's Bonerville?
In my pants.
I'm fighting a semi right now.
A semi?
- Semi hard on.
I'm half mast from looking at
all this talent around here.
Yeah, well advertising
does attract
a lot of good-looking women,
so.
Do you work here?
Actually, I, uh,
I own the agency.
What?!
- Yeah.
Nice moves, man.
Oh, look at that.
It's boner o'clock.
Barry, what are you doing?
Bill, I'm sorry.
No, no, he-
he's cracking' me up.
Yeah.
- What?
Yes. I was cracking him up.
Just telling him
about how these women here
are giving me a Woodrow Wilson.
Especially that cute brunette
account planner he pointed out.
So, uh, Bill,
the pitch is going great.
No, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, go ahead.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Looka-looka-looka,
there she is right there.
What are you- that one! Her!
Desmond was telling me
that back when he used to
actually have sex
with his wife,
he used to imagine her instead.
She was his closer,
you know what I mean?
And Bill, don't lie to me.
I know you've done
the exact same thing.
I bet you I haven't.
Why, because you got ED?
No...
because she's my daughter.
You made her?
Mm-hmm.
Des, I'm- I'm- I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Seven years I put in here,
Barry!
I know, listen, I- I- I don't
want you to sweat it, okay?
I'm gonna go back in
and I'm gonna talk to your boss.
I'm gonna sort
the whole thing out.
Don't!
You've done enough.
Des, I need a ride!
- Fuck you!
Ah, yeah.
Kurt, it's Barry, I, uh...
I feel terrible.
Um, I got Desmond fired today
and I- I'm outside your house.
I really need to talk
to somebody.
So, uh, I'm just gonna wait here
for you, all right?
Um...
...actually I- I remember
where you keep your key.
I think I'm just gonna
let myself in.
So, um, I- I'll see you
when you get here.
Okay, thanks, Bud.
Yes.
What?
Okay.
What is this?
That was fun.
Mm-hmm.
You look so pretty tonight.
Oh, you keep saying that.
Well it's true, you do!
Oh!
I got it.
Mmm.
Thanks.
That was a really good
restaurant, huh?
Eh.
What? It's rated one of the best
in the city.
Really?
It didn't seem like it.
Well, it is.
Why are you being
so sweet tonight?
'Cause I have a surprise
for you.
What kind of surprise?
- You'll see.
Oh!
- Oh!
Oh!
Ah!
This is not the surprise
I was talking about.
I'm really sorry about this.
No.
I'm not gonna lie...
...this is exactly
what it looks like.
Okay, put it away.
Okay.
- Whoa.
You know what, guys?
I- I am sorry.
Bring it on in for a hug?
- Uh-uh.
Go.
No, no, you can't hug me, no!
Oh!
You mean he still had a-
- Boner!
Oh!
- A raging boner.
So it was less of a hug
and more of a dry hump.
He was practically inside
of her, for crying out loud.
So she dumped me, naturally.
She said if I'm still friends
with Barry,
I'm practically as juvenile
as he is.
Sorry, bud.
It doesn't matter anymore.
Guys, I know we've been
friends with Barry
since before we hit puberty,
but, um...
I'm over it.
I am over it.
I mean the dude's heart's
in the right place,
but, let's face it, man,
he is a menace.
I mean when we were kids
it was great,
yeah, it was fun.
We're adults now.
We're trying to have families
and careers
and relationships, Kurt,
and Barry's making that
impossible.
It's his Barryisms.
- What are you sayin'?
I'm saying that
we'll always love the guy,
but... we cannot live
with him anymore.
Yeah, but I mean...
Barry's always there for us.
Yeah, that's the problem.
He's always there
screwing everything up.
He's a real ragamuffin.
What if we were to
get rid of him?
Okay...
I think I get
what you're saying.
I just wanna clarify
something.
I can't kill someone.
I can't. But I wanna help.
I'll dig the...
I'll dig it.
I don't want to, but I'll do it.
We're not talking about
murdering him, Hurt.
That's not on the table.
- I knew that.
Everyone was- was hashing it-
it out.
So what, do you want to
disown him?
No, no, that wouldn't work.
He'd just keep coming back
like a zombie or something.
So, like an intervention?
No. He'd relapse.
No, dude, this- this- this
requires something
far more stealthy,
I'm talking about
making someone else...
...deal with him.
Okay. All right.
So we, uh, we hire someone else
to whack him.
That way we're not even
connected to the murder.
We're gettin' away hands clean.
We go down to Mexico, chill out,
drinkin', smokin' weed.
I maybe get addicted
to heroin, but that's cool.
I'm not talking about
whacking him, Ray Liotta.
Obviously.
See, what we need isn't someone
who can put up with Barry,
what we need is someone
who has to put up with Barry.
The type of person
who has to put up with
a never-ending stream
of infantile behavior
twenty-four hours a day,
seven days a week
for their entire life.
A therapist?
A wife. -
Wife. - A wife!
Yeah, pop-pop-pop!
Yeah!
- Yeah!
You were locked in a closet
as a kid.
I mean he's always talkin' about
he wants to meet someone
anyway, right?
We'd just be doing him a favor.
I like it.
Scratch that,
I love it.
I don't know, guys.
I mean, I need him.
What are you talking' about,
Rafe?
I mean he babysits J every Saturday night.
That's my prime date night.
In fact, he's with him right now
so I can go meet
the funeral director at nine.
Yes, that's happening.
Hand over fist.
- Don't catch it.
It's hand over fist.
- No, make a fist.
I don't like that.
- Yeah.
Lemme ask you a question,
Rafe.
When, um Barry's babysitting J what exactly do they do?
I don't know.
They have a blast, though.
They play video games,
watch movies.
Well, uh, looks like Barry
just posted
what they're actually doing.
Okay, kid, throw,
throw, throw, throw.
Go! Run, run, run, run,
run, run!
Holy shit!
Let's marry off
this fucker.
Why are you guys so keen on
finding me a girlfriend
all of a sudden?
Pals forever, remember?
- Yeah.
Just want you to be happy.
Yeah, man, plus
you're such a catch
it's a total mystery
how you're still single.
It's true.
- No, I don't know about that.
Listen, guys, I promise you,
I'm gonna put my best foot
forward today, okay?
Cool, man.
Bring on the vagina.
Huh! Huh!
All right.
Okay everyone,
let's have a seat!
Hi.
Hi, I'm Leslie.
Hi, I'm Barry.
- Hi.
Hi.
Next!
Excuse me?
- Next.
Barry, that's not how
speed dating works.
I'm not feelin' it with her.
Are you kidding me?
Is he kidding me?
Listen, no matter what
you're feeling-
I'm not feeling anything.
That's the problem.
You're- you're beautiful,
we're just, you know,
we don't have... it.
You have to wait
until they ring the bell.
The bell? I gotta talk to her
for the whole five minutes?
Yeah.
I'm sitting across from you.
I hear the words coming out
of your mouth.
Look, if it's any consolation,
he's always like this.
Yeah.
- Nice shirt.
Do not- hey!
Do not make fun
of my friends.
Fuck you!
- What? I-
What did I do?
I have to live with this!
Quite the mouth on her.
She's got some anger issues.
Barry, Barry. Listen to me
very carefully, all right?
When you meet these women,
whatever comes to your mind...
Yeah?
- ... say the opposite.
Got it.
Ah, yeah, backwards town.
Got it.
Yeah, yeah,
that looks super real.
That shirt does not
give off the impression
that you own several stray dogs.
Jesus Christ!
You scared the shit outta me.
I mean, uh...
You do not look like a cutter
at all.
It's even harder
than we thought.
It's time to bring out
the big guns.
So, Mister Goker,
how does this exactly, um,
work?
Well, the brides obviously
don't come in the mail,
but, uh, they do come in
a very small crate on a boat,
and we, of course, make sure
to poke the holes in the box
so they can breathe.
Keep it human.
Oh...
I'm kidding!
We don't put 'em in a box!
What are we, monsters? No!
Just a very small,
dangerous boat.
So I guess you're the man
with all the bitches.
Okay... bitch?
Okay, I gotta ask you guys
a question right now.
Do you, uh...
...do you guys hate women?
No, I love women.
Because I don't sell women
to men who hate women.
We do not sell bitches!
If we did,
it'd be called
Goker's Mail Order Bitches!
Not Goker's Mail Order Brides!
Okay?
Uh, yeah, it was- it was just
a slang term, you know.
I'm just gonna put it out there.
Um, I'm not- I'm not- I'm not
actually looking,
is that okay?
Yeah.
I am not looking
to marry anybody,
maybe just a girlfriend.
Unless she's like super,
super-duper cool,
then maybe.
Look, let me make something
very clear here, all right?
Here at Goker's we are not
just about business.
First and foremost,
we are about love,
passion, romance, fucking,
okay?
Hot fuck action at a
really reasonable price.
Hot flippin' and flappin'
smackin' ass cracks together,
all right?
You ever- you ever slam
your ass crack
against a women's ass crack?
It rivals penetration, guys.
I know you don't believe me,
but you're gonna be able to
try it with one of these women
and find me right.
So, just to be clear, here,
on your old, uh, application.
Now your name is Barry Burke,
your favorite food is fried,
your favorite book
is the novelization
of the Bill Murray classic
"Stripes,"
it's one of my favorite books.
I did not care for the movie.
And you live off a settlement
you got from the city
for walking into
an exposed manhole.
Yeah, I actually, I removed
that manhole cover myself
and then intentionally
walked into said manhole,
but that is- that is neither
here nor there.
Oh, no, no, that is both
here and there, my friend.
That is genius.
- I'm a geniu-
Can you say that to them,
please?
All right, Barry...
Prepare to meet...
the new love of your life...
Juanita.
Oh, wow.
- Wow.
Oh my God, she's beautiful.
Schwing!
Her village has been
completely ravaged by disease,
flood, famine, and rebels,
so she is very open
to meeting
gentlemanly, successful
American men.
Okay, well how about
a not-so-gentlemanly,
not-so-successful American man?
Are you kidding me?
She'd marry a raccoon
with an extended asshole
if it got her out of her
fucking village.
She's gonna love you, man.
So, how was your plane flight?
Oh, uh, da plane.
Da plane? Bzzzzzz.
Whoosh.
Muy bueno? Good.
Good, good, good.
That's good.
Probably not a lot of planes
where you come from, huh?
Is there not a lot of planes
where you come from?
Cars either?
Probably not a lot of cars.
What do you- what do you use
to get around, a donkey?
Do you ride a donkey?
Yeah, a donkey's probably
safer anyway, you know,
because I bet you like to
throw back the cervezas.
Mmm, cervezas.
Cervezas, yeah.
Tequila!
I was hoping that we could
make it a little physical
because I notice
you carry a...
formidable amount of junk
in your trunk.
Junk in trunk?
Face it, guys,
it's over.
We'll never find him a wife.
Let's go. I wanna meet up with
that funeral director, anyway.
So, you work
at the parks department?
Yeah, I am director of events.
Wow.
- Yeah.
What a cool job.
- It is. It's really cool.
We do concerts
and Shakespeare in the Park.
I go to that.
- You do?
I love that.
Oh. I- I have to work
a lot of weekend nights,
but it's fine.
I love it, so, yeah.
I don't wanna freak you out,
'cause this is obviously
our first date,
but you're the total package.
Well, yeah, I mean your online
profile was nice and charming
and the picture is beautiful
but in person
you're just like...
...radiant.
Oh, um...
I think you're pretty great,
too.
I like to take things slowly,
if that's all right.
Yes. Couldn't agree more.
I like to take things slow
myself.
I- I- I didn't think you were
that type of girl.
What type of girl?
Someone who'd just jump
in the sack on the first date,
or whatever.
I- I- I am that type of girl.
I am.
Oh, really?
- Yeah.
Yeah, right.
We'd probably
be fucking right now
if it wasn't for my
situation...
...below deck.
I'll go ahead
and give you a hint.
It rhymes with beast inspection.
I think I know, yeah,
I think I know what you mean.
Okay, it's not itchy anymore,
but um...
it just probably doesn't
smell very good.
Anyway-
So, what kind of music
do you like?
I'm mostly into reggae and dub.
Dub, ska, dancehall.
My favorite food is fried.
Italian and Mexican.
And Mexican.
Also Italian and Japanese.
Oh, I am a sushi slut.
And how does that
manifest itself?
I'm a whore for sushi.
Uh... also...
...wow, I can't believe
you ate that all in one bite.
You're like a boa constrictor.
Ah!
I'm gonna be straight with you.
You're breasts were a lot bigger
in the photo.
In your photo, you looked
a lot taller.
You had more neck.
It was a- like a headshot.
You had less teeth.
And, uh, you looked a lot
more third-worldy...
Mexicany.
You've got hair plugs.
And I don't mind... much.
It is not that I find you
unattractive...
...at all.
It's just...
...false advertising.
But it's false advertising.
You have rendered me
completely speechless.
Thank you.
All I can say is wow.
I get that a lot.
Will you excuse me for a second?
I need to shit like that
every time I eat bacon.
It's the middle of dinner.
I'm- I'm not gonna go
take a... shit.
Are you gonna have a piss?
Uh, well since you asked, um,
some urine might actually
exit my penis.
I wasn't going to say that.
I felt like it was implied
when I said, "Excuse me. "
Just wash your hands
'cause dick hands,
it's just gross.
And be quick 'cause I really
need to shit.
Okay, I'm gonna go shit.
- Okay.
El ban- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!
You gotta make a fiesta
in el bao, no problem.
Yeah, yeah, poo party.
Oh, excuse me,
I'm actually not in line.
Just... wishing I were dead.
Um...
Oh, um...
Si.
Excuse me... If- if you're
waiting for a cab...
I was here first.
Yeah, you got it.
No problem.
Here we go.
- Hey!
Excuse me, ladies first.
A lady? Yeah, I'll tell you
if I see one.
Really?
Get off!
Excuse me.
Are you kidding me?!
You're kidding me!
Unbelievable.
Alright, folks,
where to?
Aah!
I guess we're neighbors.
- I guess so. Yippee.
The joy.
I can't wait to run into you.
Yeah, me neither.
It's still the best part of
the neighborhood,
minus the gentrification.
- Except for the gentrification.
Hey, could you
drop me off first?
Really?
Did you fart?
No. I've been trying.
Yeah, 'cause I farted
right when we got in
and that is not my brand.
It's pathetic.
I can't smell anything.
What, you don't have
a sense of smell you mean?
It's just a terrible fart.
Oh, you're calling my fart
pathetic?
Yes.
Well, we're dealing
with a new issue here.
The issue is that you
apparently have gas
and it's gonna come out
at some point
during this cab ride.
Trust me, I hope so.
Nothing.
It's called the way there.
Assholes.
- Hey what?
Watch it, you wanker.
Eat my dick, you fuck face.
Fuck mouth.
- Paying customer!
Fucking cock breath.
Cock breath...
Oh, that's impressive.
Oh, thanks, you too.
Thank you.
My friends would disagree
and they think my mouth
is my biggest problem.
I think its fine, you just have-
you just have thin lips.
No- not-
No, wha- the things I say,
not what my lips look like, no.
Oh, oh, right.
I know I have thin lips.
It's- it's the bane
of my existence.
Loads of guys have dumped me
because they're embarrassed.
I don't know.
- Oh, dicks.
I don't care.
It's my roommate,
she's always trying to set me up
and find me a husband.
No, tell me about it.
My- my friends just bought me
a wife.
They bought-?
They bought me a wife,
like out of the blue.
So, you're married?
N- no, may- maybe.
I don't know.
I- I don't think
it was legally binding.
I'm not sure.
I- I'll have to check
on that one.
What do you do?
Um, I work
for the parks department.
The what?
- Parks department.
Pox department?
- Parks.
Parks?
- Parks.
Oh, parks!
Parks department.
Right, right,
the parks department.
Got it.
Well that's cool.
It is really cool.
Wanna know what I do?
Not really.
C'mon, take a guess,
it's a good one.
Um, unemployed?
- Yes!
Very good guess.
Be honest, do you think
it was inappropriate?
For you to talk about your
own feminine hygiene issue
at your dinner date?
Absolutely not.
- Thank you.
Why would that be weird?
- I know!
I didn't think so,
but then I was, like,
questioning myself.
People are weird!
- Yeah.
Like my date, my wife,
walked out on our date tonight,
I think, because I talked
about my balls.
Like one time.
She sounds like a twunt.
What?
I'm sorry.
That's a really ugly word,
I'm-
No, no, no, that's not
what I meant.
Did you?
I say twunt.
I... No you don't.
I say twunt all the time.
I thought I made it up.
- I thought I made it up.
Well, I guess we both
made it up.
I guess we did.
Oh my God, I love twunt,
I love twunt!
Oh, I love twunt.
I love twunt.
- I love twunt.
Oh, look
at that, you great twunt.
Oh no!
- Oh you twunt.
I can't do a Scottish accent.
Oh, you stinky twunt.
Listen to you!
Would you like some twunt korma?
Buttered- buttered twunt?
And, no, I don't
know why people react to me that way.
I really don't.
It's just I prefer to be
honest because-
Everyone wastes so much time
being polite
when they could just say
what they mean.
Now the question you gotta
ask yourself is...
"Do you feel lucky, twunt?
Well? Do ya?"
No, I got, it was too big
at the end, but you get it.
Yeah.
That was good.
That was really good.
Yeah, here you go.
Door-to-door service.
Thanks, that would almost
be chivalrous,
if you didn't just
arm-wrestle me for it.
Well, I have something
very pressing to do at home.
Masturbate?
Yeah.
- Me too.
Man, get a room.
Just shut your stupid face!
Seriously, shut your
stupid face.
Y'all twunts.
Well-
I got a- I got a burp
in my throat.
Let it rip.
Nice. Nice.
- Yeah.
I hate this job.
Um...
Okay, um...
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
- See you.
I'll pay for the cab.
Don't worry.
Always planned on it.
Hey! Hey, hey.
You are not as big of a bitch
as I thought you were gonna be.
Thanks.
Yeah.
You're not as big of a
cheese-dick,
Well, you haven't seen my dick.
Um...
- What's your name?
Oh, God, yeah, I'm Mel-
I'm Mel Miller.
Mel- M- Mel- M-
I'm Melanie Miller.
I'm Barry Burke.
- Barry Burke, hey.
How do you do?
I do well.
Um...
Maybe I'll run into you
some time, Mel Miller.
Maybe we will, Barry Burke.
Goodbye again.
Okay, goodnight.
- Yeah, bye.
Hey.
Hey, babe.
This museum pitch
is killing me.
I have like zero ideas.
- Mm-hmm.
So I thought I would just come
and take a little break...
With you.
Pow.
Pow.
Pshew.
Ow.
Do do.
Choo ch-choo, ch-choo
Aah!
I'm just gonna do some exercises
to help me, you know,
clear my head.
Um...
I do this in my pilates class.
Isn't it fun?
Can I get my-
You're gonna wrinkle up my stuff
on my desk.
Babe, I'm- I'm really trying'
to get some stuff done,
you know what I mean?
You can't do it tomorrow?
Ah, you know, I could.
I'd just rather not.
Mm- mm- babe.
Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga
choo choo!
Honey, I'm tryin' to-
Babe.
No one's hiring,
I have to focus, okay?
I'm sorry.
I miss that guy.
What guy?
That guy.
We all miss that guy.
What in the world?
God damn.
Barry...
I think it's time
to face the fact that you-
that, uh-
That-
What was I saying?
- Are you high?
Yeah, like I'd find
a year-old blunt
and smoke that and, like,
cough so hard I farted.
Like I did that. Yeah.
He's high!
- You're high!
Yeah, I'm high, yeah.
I am high as hell right now.
But it's not about me, man.
Let's talk about you, Barry.
I feel like I let you guys down
a little bit.
You definitely did.
I- I-I, actually I did-
I did share a cab ride home
with a pretty awesome girl
after the date, though.
What?
- And?
And it was- it was awesome.
I don't know, it was-
it was weird.
We had so much in common,
you know?
She was just like me.
She was smart, witty,
good-looking.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Did you get her phone number?
No, I figured
I'd bump into her sometime.
Dude!
- Oh.
Are you out of your mind?
We've scoured this entire city
to find someone
who can tolerate you
for more than three seconds,
then you finally find
somebody that likes you
and you don't even
get her fucking number?
I wanted to play it cool.
- Cool?!
We are way past cool, man.
This shit is desperate!
Can I have a chocolate malt?
I need a malt.
We'll find her.
Just- what was her name?
Mel.
- Mel what?
Mm... Mel, um...
- Melvin?
Mel Gibson.
Mel, uh, it was like, ah!
The- the- the, like the-
Think, think, think
what was her name?
Fuck, Barry!
Well then, heck, Barry,
what's the GD point?
Barry! I will literally
club you with this bar spoon
if you don't tell me who she is.
Tell me!
Wait, I just got it!
Oh, Mel Miller.
- She's pretty.
Wow. Graduated from
Berkeley.
Volunteers at a
dog adoption center.
Is this real?
Or is this some, like,
catfish type situation?
I got her number.
Call her.
Wait!
We only got one shot at this,
all right?
Better do it right.
BOO!
Oh, every time!
- Yeah.
Oh, it is ridiculously hot
out there.
Oh.
I am so clammy and sticky
and disgusting.
I think I put deodorant on.
Whoo!
- Are you wearing my bra?
Oh...
Yeah, I had to borrow it.
- Why?
To match your thong.
Do you want it back?
No.
Oh, you sure?
Actually I might need a hand.
N- no, you keep it.
Really.
Thank you.
It's really stuck up there.
Yeah.
So, you heard anything
from the cab guy?
Oh, that guy.
Um, no.
He hasn't got my number, so-
- Bummer.
I don't care, anyway.
It's better for you
if I'm single.
Right?
What would you do
without your wing girl?
Get dates.
You wouldn't, Paige.
No?
It's really hard for you.
Babe, you've got to learn
to love yourself,
before others can love you.
My self-esteem is fine now.
No, I mean literally
love yourself.
You know?
Down there.
Between your legs.
Do you know what I mean?
Try the showerhead.
Try your electric toothbrush.
Yours is a lot more powerful
than mine
and really gets in there.
That is really disgusting.
It's not. It's natural.
This is the problem with you,
Paige.
Why do you think I spend so long
in the bathroom every morning?
I'm masturbating.
- Hm.
A good hour before breakfast
and usually forty-five
minutes if I can squeeze it in
when I get home.
I'm gonna get you masturbating
if it's the last thing I do.
I'm all good.
Hey, Mel, this is Barry, uh,
from the cab.
Oh, um...
Uh...
It's him, it's the guy.
It's the guy from the cab.
Okay, speak as little
as possible.
Okay, okay.
I'm all good.
Hey, so um...
you some kind of pervert
stalker or something?
Yeah, sometimes.
No!
- Just read the cards.
Uh, I can't read
Kurt's handwriting.
What are you talking about?
It says,
"I was wondering if you're
not doing anything Friday night
if you'd like to go to
dinner with me
or any other activity. "
Oh my God, could you make it
any wordier?
Who are you talking to?
I'm talking to you.
I was wondering if you want me
to come in your- what?!
No!
What's going on?
- I don't know.
Speak from your heart.
- Shut up!
Are you talking to me?
- Yes.
Oh, really?
No, no.
Read the card.
- You shut up.
Please don't screw this up.
You shut up!
Fuck off.
Fuck you.
Are you getting' busy
on Friday night?
I dunno.
You tell me if I'm getting busy
Friday night.
What, is English
her second language?
I think so.
and, uh- and we'll talk
about the details later.
Cool... see ya.
Cool, see ya.
Oh!
He got a date!
Down there.
I have a date.
What?
- Yeah.
I mean we'll see.
I don't know.
I love him.
I think I need to go
and have a shower.
I feel so inspired after that,
it was just-
I know.
It's like I'm alive, right?
- I know, I know!
I feel alive.
- It's just, it was so real.
Oh God, this-
this is hands-down
the best first date
I've ever had.
Yeah?
- Ever!
Mine too.
- Yeah?
And no one has ever taken me
to a cockfight before.
I can't believe that.
You got cockfight
written all over you.
It's so... violent.
And so bloody, I know.
Feathers everywhere.
Poor little guys.
- Yeah.
Yeah, but you made
that great call on dinner, so...
Yeah?
- Yeah.
Oh, well I'm-
I'm glad you liked it.
I think they have
incredible cuisine at Hooters,
but most people don't notice
'cause of...
all the massive tits.
I know, the tits
are distracting.
This feels so natural.
I know.
It makes me want to
spoon your face.
I wanna...
I wanna lick the inside
of your mouth.
You do?
- Yeah.
Oh God...
I really hope
you taste like hot dogs.
I do.
I always do.
- Yeah?
Barry, I wanna invite you
upstairs, but...
...this fucking bread factory
between my legs
is working overtime and-
That's cool.
- Yeah?
It's cool.
- I'm sorry.
It's cool.
- Yeah?
I hope you don't mind
if I work one out to you later.
I'd like that.
Yeah?
- Uh-huh.
Then I will.
Mmm.
Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Bye.
- Bye.
This sucks.
This all sucks.
Yes!
What's up?
That was Barry.
He and Mel are totally
hitting it off.
Oh my god,
that is amazing!
I know!
- Oh my God!
This could be it!
Oh my God.
- Yes!
Oh.
They're going out again
on Friday?
That's huge!
Yeah, think of the freedom.
Zihuatenejo, my friend.
you realize
what this could mean, right?
eating at restaurants without
being publicly humiliated.
Going to sporting events
without fear or ejection.
Not having people say,
"Hey, you know your friend
Barry?
Don't ever bring him to my
motherfucking house again. "
And that's a woman saying that.
I'm gonna meet
so many more chicks.
Ah, I'm gonna bone Rachel
a lot.
And I'm gonna talk to Camille.
Go what?
- What?
It's time to make right
what once was, um...
Aw, hell no.
Hey.
- Oh, hey.
I didn't even see you
over there.
I- I'd seen you earlier,
but I- I- I...
Cool.
- What's up?
Honestly, I'm not doing so well.
I just broke up with someone.
You already got a new boyfriend
and then- and then
broke up with him?
It's been, like, eleven days.
Yeah, I moved on, Kurt.
Didn't you?
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I did.
I moved on, a lot,
to a lot of different women.
Wow.
Anyone special?
No! No- yeah, no,
just it's hard to notice
'cause there's so many-
so much ass coming my way,
it's all the clingy bitches
and, you know.
Awesome, well, it was
really nice running into you.
But I don't really talk to
them anymore, you know?
They weren't up to my
standards, you know?
Really?
- Yeah.
Once you go black,
you never go back...
Doesn't apply.
He's not dumb enough
to pursue that again.
I don't know.
Um.
But, you know what?
Let's just focus
on the positive, all right?
We are about to embark on a
brand new chapter of our lives.
You're baked.
- What?
Don't do that.
You're scaring the customers.
Daddy feels like getting wet!
Oh!
You got nothin'!
Ah!
Go, go, go, go, go!
You sure it's okay
to do it out here?
Yeah, nobody's gonna knooow!
Damn, that shit is good!
Ah!
Tell me about, um,
your day.
Mm, mm-hmm.
So funny.
Oh Barry
I don't have the words
or anything yet.
But you got Barry in there,
you put Barry in there.
That's me.
Throw it up there.
Yeah, that's good.
Why don't you try again here
and do a couple, uh,
do a couple yourself.
Check it out.
I'll be right back.
Was that Hatha yoga
you were practicing over there?
I saw it.
That was incredible!
Hmm? Hmm?
Put me down!
Put me down!
Smooth it out.
- Just smooth it out.
Use some spit.
I think it's like-
Use a little spit.
Yeah, 'cause there's
a bigger vein.
There's a big vein going,
just-
Okay.
- Yeah.
So add a little bit to the base.
Yeah, yeah.
Here, here, here.
Easy fix.
- That looks really good.
Everybody watch!
This is the big finish!
Aah!
Oh, oh, ah, ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Oh, don't touch.
Oh, don't touch.
Oh it's sensi- oh it's delicate,
it's tender.
So?
- so?
Tell us everything.
Okay. Mel is amazing.
She's unbelievable. I-
The last two weeks
have been magical
and I- I don't wanna get cheesy,
but deep down in my heart
I feel like she understands me
as no one else ever has.
Plus, she's got
a super-wide bush.
Yeah, I love it.
This is great news.
It is! I know, right?
Most girls wax, but not Mel.
I like to get lost down there
in some jungle.
No, I- I meant it's great
news that it's going so well.
Yeah, not great news
about the bush.
Oh, right. Yeah.
Well, that too.
That is going very well.
Um, but mainly the relationship.
Well, you haven't
seen this bush.
It's outstanding.
Sounds like a real throwback.
- So...
...moving on.
What are you guys coin'?
Dude, can you not put gum
underneath my bar?
Last time I put it on top
of the bar you flipped out,
and now I put it under the bar,
which is the next logical step,
What do you want me
to do with it?
So... you and Mel?
Seems like you guys are going
the distance, huh?
Yeah, sounds like you met
your soul mate.
You're intended.
Could be your future bride.
Hey, I-I-I don't know.
I don't know.
I mean, yeah, she is,
she is pretty amazing.
Did I mention her bush?
Indeed you did.
- In detail.
I can't believe you have
a girlfriend, man!
Yeah, I know.
When do we get to meet her?
- Uh...
We're going to Kurt's cabin
this weekend.
You should bring her.
Yeah, yeah, Kurt, can I?
Yeah, it'll be fun.
That'll be cool.
Yes!
Yeah!
You're gonna love her.
You might even get a peek
at that bush.
I don't know.
We'll see what we can do.
I'm okay with just meeting her.
Why'd you invite Barry again?
I told you, he's got
a girlfriend now, so...
And?
And it'll be totally different.
This'll be the kinder,
gentler Barry.
Exactly, she'll keep him
on a short leash.
Yeah, kinda like a buffer.
A little Barry buffer.
Great.
- Oh, there they are.
Hey!
Hey!
We knew you were there before
the honk.
Hello!
- This is Mel.
Oh, she's so pretty!
Oh, she looks like an angel
from heaven.
Hi!
- Hey.
Hi, I'm Desmond,
great to meet you.
Oh! Okay, the guy who couldn't
get it up for his wife.
Yep, wha-?
- That's him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Right.
So you must be
the lucky lady
who's finally getting some.
That's me.
My name is Rachel.
You didn't tell me her name
was Rachel.
I used- I had a, um,
a rat called Rachel, yeah.
Cool, um, this is-
- That's a detail.
Wait, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm gonna guess,
because he has told me
so much about you all.
Watch this.
Watch this.
Um, skank-magnet...
ice queen...
no-balls pushover.
Yeah, you hit- hit the nail
on the head, there.
I know, I know, look at her,
she's got some brains up
there, huh?
Not to mention a beautiful
set of knockers right here.
Sorry, they're only B-cup.
- Only.
Well, they're actually-
I can swell to a C
when I'm menstruating.
Ah, that's disgusting.
Oh my God, I never thought
I'd say this to a lady,
but I can't wait for your
time of the month.
Uh.
But get ready for the three Bs.
Bloated, bitchy and breasty.
Oh my God, I'm getting
a little B of my own right here.
Check it out.
- I- I looked.
Mmm. You know what guys?
I wanna- I wanna drive.
No, no, no, I wanna drive,
I wanna drive.
I wanna drive.
Do you wanna get in there
and make out a bit
before these guys
finish packing?
Yeah, um, if the van's
a- rockin'-
Don't come knockin'.
- Nah, I'm kidding.
It's another joke.
It's another joke.
We won't go all the way.
- No, just oral.
Please don't do that in my car.
Please don't.
Rafe, put my shit in the back.
Superconductor
I'm feeling carsick!
What?
Hoo-hoo!
This sounds like
the soundtrack from Gizmo.
Huh?
This is awful!
- Yeah, it's awesome!
No, it sounds like what
insanity must feel like.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.
Barry, uh, can you maybe
turn that song off?
This music is horrible.
It's making my eardrums bleed.
Oh!
- Sorry, sorry.
Okay, Mister No-taste.
Thank you.
- Thanks.
That was just a lot.
- Yeah.
Here we go.
- Uh-huh
You know, a playa
makin' money, fuckin' all these bitches
three at a time,
hydraulics in the switches,
got these hos and the bitches
licking up my ice cream,
bitch squeeze the DJ,
come fuck wit my team,
Oh, make your ass shake,
shake your moneymaker,
take it to the hotel
and show her how my dick
can break her,
yeah, life ain't shit
without pussy on my dick, no.
Pussy on your dick... great.
Ready?
- Yeah.
Oh my God.
What?
- It stinks!
Who did that?
- Who ripped it?
That'd be me.
- Are you serious?!
Are you steaming broccoli
in there?
It's tuna.
I'll open up the window.
- Fuck!
It won't open!
- What's going on?
Did I accidentally
lock the windows?
I'm not familiar with this car.
Oh my God,
it's in my eyes!
Oh you stink so good.
Since we're all
locked in anyway,
lemme, lemme add to the party.
It's gonna be good, listen!
Oh!
Oh, there was a high note
on that one.
I'm gonna hurl!
You guys, I think he's allergic!
I'm gonna hurl!
Oh my God.
They're choking.
Look how great.
Unlock the windows, Barry!
Ah, it's gorgeous.
Isn't it?
Oh, I can't wait
to pork you here.
You're the best porker.
I know, aren't I?
I've been wanting to pork you
the whole car ride.
The whole ride?
- Yeah.
Uh, how many bedrooms
have you got?
One.
- Dibs!
Get up there.
Get up there.
Rafe, grab my shit.
This is gonna be fun, guys.
Yeah... yeah, I'm havin' fun.
You guys havin' fun?
No.
I can taste that fart.
I'm so excited
to go swimming!
This is the best part
of comin' up here.
Yeah.
You guys are gonna love it.
I used to go to this
swimming hole all the time
when I was a kid.
Is it gonna be cold?
Yeah, it'll be great!
Come on!
Yeah, yeah, come on guys.
Last one in is a rotten
piece of shit!
Woo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Here we go!
Fresh air feels good
on my balls!
Okay, there's actually some
board games back at the cabin.
Oh yeah.
- I'm into that.
I love me some board games.
What better way
to spend a beautiful day?
Show 'em your bush!
It's so nice.
- Yeah, babe.
Yeah, and this, this one here
is actually three generations
of my family
standing just out front, so.
Oh my God!
Did you see that?
Let me do it!
I haven't done that in so long.
Oh my God, all right.
Your turn, your turn.
No, you gotta let, you gotta
get it all gathered in here.
Come on Rafe!
Come on, buddy!
Come on, get out here!
Not my thing.
Stopped doing that in college.
Go, go, go. Do it.
This is a pine needle fort
I made for the beetle army
I was raising.
Look at this, she's just letting
it slide right down her throat!
Oh, God, that's sexy.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Right in the sink.
Do it, do it. Yeah.
This is one of my, uh,
my old cats we used to...
...bring up here.
It's okay, right?
I got some puke up my nose.
Are you-?
You don't look too well.
Mmm.
- Mmm.
Honey, breathe, breathe.
I just wish they would, like,
throw up quieter.
Oh.
- Shhh.
Mmm, there you go.
Ah!
- Oh!
Don't look back there.
Don't look back there.
- Oh, God.
Kitchen blowy, guys.
This is heaven.
Oh.
Okay, come on up.
Let's just try
to enjoy ourselves.
Yeah.
Lady up!
We should play Twister!
This wine is nice.
I think the more
you puke, the drunker you get,
isn't that the way it goes?
Did I get puke on your cock?
Don't worry about it.
I like it.
Think that's enough?
Maybe a few more
would be sexier.
You got it, juicy jugs.
Let me just check on the gang.
Make sure everyone
is nice and cozy.
Everybody?
Everybody doin' okay down there?
No.
Yeah, I love sleepin'
in chairs.
All right.
G'night everybody.
Sleep tight.
That is inevitable.
Love you guys.
Kurt, do you hear
a coyote or something?
No, this-
this is not even camp,
it's Cabin in the Woods.
Are they fucking up there?
It's not that bad.
It's actually kinda romantic
if you think about it.
Oh no!
- Get that off me.
Start slowly.
Yep. Definitely having sex.
Slow down, slow down,
or I'm gonna come early.
Bleh, bleh.
It's in my mouth.
Sorry!
For what?
Do you smell something?
- What?
Yeah! Yeah!
It looks worse than it is,
I think, Kurt.
It's completely engulfed
in flames.
They're gonna save your place,
I promise you.
Your place is toast.
- Shit.
But I did manage to save
your family albums.
Well, I tried.
Oh, man, those albums were old
and you're barely in them,
and listen, don't worry,
don't worry about it, okay?
I will rebuild it
with my own bare hands.
I took wood shop
in high school -
Aah! I'm gonna kill you!
It was an accident!
- You're an accident!
I only used that many candles
'cause it made Mel's body
look so fine.
I mean, wouldn't you?
- Go away!
Go away forever
and don't come back!
You don't mean that.
- Yes he does!
We all do.
Rafe?
I think you should go, Barry.
Seriously?
It's not all his fault.
I am just as responsible,
and I-
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, Mel, no, no.
It was an accident-
it was an accident.
Kurt, I promise you
I am not gonna burn
your cabin down anymore, okay?
Obviously, Barry!
That's impossible!
There's only one!
What about "Pals forever"?
Stop saying that!
- Why?
Because it's just a stupid
motto from camp
and it doesn't mean anything.
Des, babe, let's-
- Rachel!
It means something to me.
Get it straight, Barry,
you ruined our trip
and we want you gone.
And you can take your
inappropriate girlfriend with you.
What do you mean
my inappropriate girlfriend?
She's a train wreck, dude.
Yeah, nobody likes her.
She's just as bad as you are.
Face it, she is a Barry,
Barry.
What's a Barry?
- What's a-
I'll tell you what a Barry
is, Barry.
A Barry is a person
with no couth,
no sense of propriety.
It's a person
who gets you fired,
destroys your relationships,
and pretty much ruins
everything in your entire life!
Okay, look, I don't care
what you think of me,
but Barry has been nothing
but an amazing friend
to you all.
Oh, really?
'Cause from where I'm sitting,
he's ruined everything.
We didn't mean to do it.
It doesn't matter
what you mean to do.
What matters is what you do do.
Doo-doo.
Mel, grow up.
Come on.
Guys, guys. It's me.
It's Barry, okay?
It's your best friend.
Let's- let's talk about this.
Friends stick by each other
no matter what.
I mean even- even through
cabin fires, right?
Well, there's a limit to what
we can handle, Barry.
Why do you think we tried
so hard to find you a wife?
It's because we were trying
to get rid of you!
That's why you did it?
You guys wanted
to get rid of me?
I see.
Let's get out of here, man.
Those guys are assholes.
No, they're not assholes.
I'm the asshole.
Well, I think they're assholes.
Stop calling them assholes.
They're my friends.
Friends stand by each other,
remember?
So do boyfriends,
by the way.
What?
Where- where is that
coming from?
Really?
What, Mel?
What- what-
what was I supposed to say?
Well, I don't think
you were supposed to tell me
to grow up.
I see. Okay.
So this is about you now,
obviously.
My best friends,
my lifelong best friends,
just ripped my heart
out of my chest
and told me that
they never wanna see me again
and you're fucking crying?
- I-
You're hurt?!
You're the one who's hurt?!
First of all, I am not crying.
Barry, I'm not crying,
but my feelings were hurt
because your lifelong
best friends
said some not very nice
things about me.
That hurt you?
Yes, it did.
And you didn't say anything.
Wai-
...did you agree with them?
No.
That wasn't very convincing.
Well, maybe there's
a kernel of truth to it, Mel.
What's that mean?
I'm saying
it can't be a coincidence
that the-the first time
I bring you up to the cabin
my friends dump me.
Oh...
So, okay, so it's-
this is all my fault.
Yes, it's your fault, okay?
My life was perfect
before I met you.
It was perfection.
- What?
And now it's a big old
pile of shit.
Barry, did you say your life
was perfect before me?
Because I thought you had
no job, and no relationship,
and your friends still wanted
to get rid of you.
Well that worked for me, Mel.
Okay?!
You're a dick.
- Oh, now I'm a dick.
Yes, Barry.
You know, if the dick fits.
Well I think you know
the dick fits.
Please never ever
call me again.
Oh, that's fine.
I'll
neva eva eva call you again.
I'll neva.
I wouldn't dream of it, Mel.
Mel!
Fuck.
I kinda feel bad for the guy.
Look, it's not
what any of us wanted,
but it had to happen.
Yeah, it did.
Let's face it, our friendship
with Barry has run its course.
It's just time we move on
with our lives,
you know what I mean?
Oh.
Who's that?
It's one of the, uh, agencies
I applied to.
Be right back.
Hello?
They loved my reel
and just won two new accounts.
I start Monday.
Oh my God, baby,
I am so proud of you.
That's awesome.
- I know!
You go ahead.
I'll be up in a bit.
What are you gonna do?
Ah, I'm just gonna jot down
some campaign ideas
before I forget.
I won't be long.
This is kind of
an unusual date.
No, it- it's romantic
and- and fun and, you know,
I couldn't find a sitter, so.
I think he wants
to play baseball.
That's what the mitt's for,
Dad.
Right, but this is something
we all can do together.
And then when he goes to bed,
you can stick around,
we'll have some wine.
I'm gonna go.
- Why?
You need to be with your son
and, honestly,
I'm not ready for this.
Bye, JT.
- Bye.
Sarah, really?
You're seriously leaving?
I guess it's just you and me,
bud.
Cool.
- Yeah, cool.
You wanna just order a pizza?
Yeah.
Desmond, the client
loves the campaign,
so we're a go.
- Awesome!
I'll drop by your office later
and we'll talk about
the production schedule.
Okay.
- Great job, man.
Thank you.
Ah.
Huh.
Oh, and Desmond,
this is just a silly formality,
but because of
our new parent company...
...HR needs you to take
a drug test.
Okay... no problem.
Bend your knees a little.
Elbow up like this.
You stare down that pitcher,
you stare him in the eye.
Oh, hey!
Bases are loaded,
bottom of the ninth,
crowd's on its feet.
Here's the pitch!
Boom!
Deep center!
Let's do that again!
- Do it again. All right.
Okay, everybody who has
a pair of scissors near them
pick them up, all right?
I'd like you to put them
on this finger,
your index finger right here,
and start twirling.
Do it, do it, get your scissors,
come on, all right?
This is the exact wrong way to
handle a pair of scissors, okay?
Don't ever let me catch you
doing this!
Put 'em down. Put 'em down.
Okay, put it on your finger
again. Spin it around.
You fail!
I just said don't do that!
Listen, guys, if you don't
start working harder,
I'm gonna take each and every
one of you individually
to the outhouse and I'm gonna
fart on your face.
Hm?
- Hey.
Baby, wake up.
What time is it?
Three a. m.
What? Is everything okay?
Are you all right?
- No. Mm-hmm.
What's wrong?
- I have cotton mouth.
What?
I need juice.
There's water on the nightstand.
- Juice.
Okay, I'll get you some
from the fridge.
I need the Golden Acres juice.
You know, the one with the
organic farm on the label.
You know, the one that I like.
Uh, okay,
I'll buy some tomorrow.
I need it now.
You- you want me to go
get you some now?
Mm-hmm.
You...
...just to clarify, you want me
to get up
and walk eleven blocks
at three in the morning
to get you specific juice?
Maybe we shouldn't have
gotten back together.
What are you saying?
Don't say that.
Every other boyfriend
woulda done this for me.
All right.
Yeah.
All right, yeah.
I got ya.
I'm getting up.
I am getting up
and I am getting dressed.
Thanks.
And I'm walkin' out the door.
Thanks, sweetie.
To my place.
What?
You know, Barry was right.
You don't deserve me.
Barry's never right.
Barry,
I will admit, he has
a poor batting average,
but he is right
in this instance!
Why are you getting so angry?
Because I am a treasure,
Camille,
and you're a bad pirate.
What?
You're joking, right?
I'll tell you something else.
No one, in their right mind,
unless they're insane,
paints this many pictures
of themselves.
I'm beautiful.
No, you're a madman.
I love me.
Not anymore.
Last thing, 'cause I know
I've been back and forth a bit,
no woman who knows her body,
like you claim to do,
takes an hour and a half
to orgasm.
That's too much work and
I'm down there munching away.
So look at me now, Camille.
Look at me, this is what
a man looks like.
This is what it looks like,
okay?
This is what it looks like
with a man who now has
his dignity back.
Goodbye, Camille.
Now you have to eat
your own stew...
...'cause-
Wow.
It seems like you miss him.
Uh...
...no.
No, I don't, not really.
I just...
...I never met anyone
I felt so connected to
in my entire life.
And, so, it hurts a bit.
Because I thought
he was different.
But he wasn't and that's fine.
There's a new tech guy
at my office.
I could introduce you.
What do ya think?
I think I am not going to
let myself get hurt anymore.
But thanks.
Thank you.
Hey, what's going on?
I thought we were gonna
sleep in.
Yeah, I can't sleep.
My boss wants me to take
a drug test.
I'm gonna lose my job.
Okay.
We'll figure something out.
But you have to
promise something.
What?
What?
Okay, look, um...
You love your job just as much
as I love my job.
Yeah.
But I feel like things were
just starting to get good again
and now we're kind of like
slipping back
into that bad place,
you know what I mean?
I do.
Yeah.
Okay, so let's just make a deal.
You don't work weekends
and we'll both take
our vacation days.
Does that sound good?
Yeah, yeah.
That sounds good.
I love you.
Mmm.
I'm still gonna get fired.
No... 'cause I've got a plan.
Strictly week days, huh?
- Mm-hmm.
We, uh, found some balance.
I dumped Camille.
- Really?
Yeah, I- I think
I can do better.
Wow.
We never liked her.
Not even a bit.
- Barry mentioned that.
She was a straight-up
bizznussneeznashnush.
She offered me a blow job once.
Too soon.
- She offered. I said no.
Rafe, how's dating?
Uh, haven't been.
Without Barry I've been
spending a ton of time with JT.
The kid's great.
He does miss Barry, though.
I mean I don't, at all, no.
The guy was a nightmare.
It's so much easier
without him around.
No more messes to clean up.
No more hassles.
No one to apologize for.
No one to apologize for.
It kinda sucks.
Yeah.
Totally.
I'm just so bummed, you know,
not only was she a really
fantastic girl,
but she had... these great,
big juicy jugs, you know?
Just showstoppers.
Oh...
someone's at my door.
I- I gotta go.
I'll call you later,
okay Grandma?
I love you. Bye.
Hey.
What are you guys doing here?
Can we talk?
Uh...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
come on in.
And when we say we are sorry
about everything we said and did
we really mean it.
What we said was mean.
And the stuff we said
about Mel, too.
I mean she didn't deserve that.
Yeah, she didn't deserve that.
She's a sweetheart.
But I'll relay that message
to her
if I ever talk to her again.
We want you back, Barry.
We're your friends, Barry.
Always.
No matter what ridiculous,
obnoxious, inane,
stupid thing you might do.
Yeah, I probably will do
something like that.
Barry, will you forgive us?
I don't think so.
Now I want you guys to get
out of my house right now.
Get outta here!
I'm kidding! I'm kidding.
I'm kidding, guys.
Oh my God I got goose bumps.
Like, I could barely
pull that off.
Did you guys see that?
Ah!
- Yeah.
So, pals forever?
Dick tattoos, finally?
Are we gonna do it?
No.
You get a tattoo of a dick
on your dick
and on the tattoo of the dick
on your dick
it says, "Pals forever. "
I'm mainly concerned
about the pain.
That'a the point!
Asshole!
I love it when you get this guy.
Look at you!
And I knew that if I
just concentrated hard enough,
believed hard enough,
You didn't
revive the possum, Kurt.
That's what they do.
They play possum.
You never heard of
playing possum?
No, why would you wanna play
with a dead animal?
They're not dead.
They're pretending to be dead.
You did not revive that animal.
Rafe, maybe you're not
understanding me.
You don't have the powers
to revive dead animals.
Whatcha got there, man?
Hey! Hey, buddy.
Nothin'.
Just, uh... oh, uh, I, uh,
have something here
I've been meaning to give to you
for a little while.
It's, uh, my share of the
mail order bride.
Or it's a start, anyway.
Thanks, man.
I do need a wallet, but for now,
this'll have to do.
How are you, man?
- Good, good, good.
Yeah, I'm really well.
You know, like, uh,
things feel...
...uh, things feel shitty.
I can't get over Mel.
I can't stop thinking about her.
I'm just-
I'm a wreck.
You know, I- I-
most girls don't understand me,
Des.
They punch me.
But Mel, she got me.
And I blew it.
Well, you got us, man.
Yeah, I know, I know. And I-
I'm thrilled that we're all
hanging out together again,
believe me, I-I just...
Nobody else makes me feel
the way that she does.
And that's no slam to you guys,
you know?
Nobody makes me feel that way.
I- I- I've never even
considered
spending the rest of my life
with somebody.
Have you told her this?
What do you mean?
- Like, how you feel?
How would I do that?
I mean, what you said
sounded pretty darn good.
No, what?
You think?
Absolutely.
I gotta tell her, don't I?
- For sure.
I gotta do this. I'm gonna-
we gotta- I gotta do this.
I'm gonna do it on Monday.
Well, um, why-
why Monday?
Monday's way better for me.
The weekend is packed.
I got- I got grout.
I gotta transfer
all my BluRays to DVD.
You cannot wait 'til Monday,
Barry.
You've met the woman that you
wanna drive everyone crazy with
for the rest of your life.
Yeah.
- You have to be with her now.
I have to.
- Good.
Do you know where she is?
What's today?
- Um, Friday.
Yeah, I know exactly
where she is.
Let smile the heavens
upon this holy act
that after hours with sorrow
chide us not.
Amen.
But come what sorrow can.
It cannot countervail
the exchange of joy
that one short minute gives
me in her sight.
Do we really need to be running?
No, it's just more romantic
this way!
Hey, any idea where I could
get some clean urine?
I have some.
Not mine, but I have some.
It is my ghostly confessor.
Romeo shall thank thee
for us both.
As much to him,
else is his thanks too much.
Ah, Juliet if the measure
of thy joy be heaped like mine
and that thy skill
be more to blazon
the imagined happiness that
both receive and...
Barry... Barry.
What?
There's an entrance.
No, it's okay,
I got in.
I fell in over here.
Do you guys know Mel Miller?
My true love has grown
to such excess-
Anybody seen Mel Miller?
Hey.
Comes a messenger.
Sorry.
Go to, messenger.
I'll have words with you later.
Ah!
- Oh!
Mel Miller?
Mel Miller?!
Shut up, asshole!
She's a British
blonde bombshell,
works here?
Listen, they both
take suicide pills
and they die, okay?
It's really sad.
You just ruined the whole play,
you idiot!
Oh my God. Oh, you didn't
know that?
Oh you guys didn't know that?
It's called the eighth grade,
dummies!
Try it some time.
It's Romeo and Juliet.
Ah, there she is, there's-
I need to talk to you,
please come here.
Pretend it's part of the show,
Barry, please.
Not until I say
some things to you.
This will just take a moment.
He's very sick.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, this is a lovely
setting for Shakespeare.
Now I just need to say
a couple of things.
No, no, stay here.
I have to do it here!
I have to do it here!
So- sorry.
- Yes.
Yes.
- Sorry.
I-
I la-mmm-
I love- I love-
I love your tits.
- Oh!
That's- 'ey, 'ey, 'ey, 'ey!
That's not what I meant.
That's not what I meant.
I'm- I'm- I'm-
I'm not that gross.
I do love her tits I just-
you got great tits,
I love your tits.
- I know that.
I can do better, I- I-
- What?
I love- I love-
I love your breath...
even in the morning when it-
when it smells
like a sweaty sock.
I love it even more that way.
I just wanna climb inside
your mouth and live there.
I love that I could al-
I can always tell
what you've had for lunch
because I can taste it later
when we're making out.
And- and I love- I love that
you're so not into your looks
that you don't even care that
you have a daddy long legs mole
growing under your arm
and it's got little whiskers
and you never pluck 'em.
It's disgusting.
- I do.
And I- and I- and I love, I love
that your accent is so thick I have...
I literally have no idea
what you're saying to me
half the time.
- Is that it?
Yeah. See, I could barely
even understand that.
I love that your nose whistles
every time I make you come.
And I- and I love that your
little nickname for my butthole
is my smelly button.
And- and- and I love that you
have to take off all your clothes
every time you have to
take a poo.
Even in public restrooms.
It's so adorable.
It takes forever.
And I- and I love,
I love that you have
a- a dedicated savings account
just for future space travel.
I do. Yeah, I do.
And- and- and I love
your little mustache.
I didn't know
you noticed it.
It's my favorite little
mustache I've ever seen.
Even if that makes me gay.
I'm gay for your 'stache.
I'm gay for her 'stache!
And...
...most importantly...
...I love you.
Barry!
How am I supposed to
stay angry with you
when you say stuff like that?
You're not.
You can tell they make love
really passionately.
Mmm, mmm.
That's enough.
You're married,
we get it.
There we go.
What'd you expect?
I've seen enough.
I'm never gonna
get used to that.
Tell me about it.
Oh, hey.
- Hi.
I- I- I'm Kurt.
- Paige.
Oh, are- are you-
- I'm Mel's roommate.
Oh, hi.
Sorry, I'm a little nervous.
I'm on solo duty.
Oh, same here,
I know what you mean.
Hey, JT, over here!
Come on, Dad!
We, ooh- uh,
Call me.
We'll get coffee.
But weekdays only.
Weekends are guy time.
I really can't wait for,
like,
all these people to get
out of my house.
Yeah, it's a lot of people.
I think someone's
gonna steal something.
Yeah, I saw a couple people
eyeing some things.
I saw you talking to Paige.
Um, yeah, she's nice.
It might take
some getting used to but...
Hey, JT.
- What up, bitches?
Oh, yo.
- I mean, hey guys.
I'm still trying to un-teach him
some of the things that Barry
taught him.
Uncle Desmond, how'd your
science project go?
What science project?
The one that you needed
my pee for.
Oh, right, um...
I aced it, man.
Yeah.
That is immoral and illegal.
What do we say, buddy?
- Pals forever.
Hope you guys don't mind.
We kind of adopted it.
It's plagiarism.
Technically.
Shoulda checked with us before
You realize we're gonna have
to put up with both of 'em
for the rest of our lives,
right?
I'd say that's the least
of our worries.
What could be worse?
A little Barry.
Oh.
Everyone's got one.
The inappropriate friend.
Good.
Aw, that's terrible.
I don't want that at all.
The one with no filter.
Whoo, old man.
The one you
just can't take anywhere.
Hi. You didn't see me but I had a
great like Bionic Man thing going.
Fucking good!
Who the hell is that?
His name is Sammy.
He's a counselor at my camp.
Avoid him at all costs,
all right?
He's the kinda guy that just
constantly says all the wrong things,
a bull in a china shop, totally
embarrassing to be around.
What are you gonna do,
though?
There's one in every group.
You got that right.
- Hey, man!
Oh my God,
he's coming over here.
He's all yours.
- Barry.
You guys must be
Barry's friends!
Oh my God.
That's Barry's Barry.
Any friend of Barry
is a friend of mine
Any friend of Barry
is a friend of mine
Bring it in.
Bring it in.