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Spaced Invaders (1990)
Where is the admiral?
He summoned us here. The admiral's tour of duty has ended. What of the admiral? He has been subjected to disciplinary termination. I have assumed command. This battle group has consistently suffered... the greatest casualties of any attack force in the fleet. His Imperial Majesty has sent me... to take controi of our attack on the Arcturus system. To insure our success, all ships... have been equipped with enforcer drones to remove... weak links in the command. Any deviation from the invasion pian... - will result in disciplinary review. - Outrageous! The tide of battie can change in seconds. I'll not send my boys to Arcturus with... an enforcer drone breathing down my neck! - I wlli! - Me, too. No probiem. Whoa! - Good morning. - Morning. Russell, anybody need a sheriff whlle I was gone? Most folks don't know we've got one. I llke it. What are you up to? I'm set up by the new off-ramp. - What for? - I'm gonna catch Big Bean's 1 st speeder. At ieast I know where to forward your Christmas present. Ho-ho-ho. - Excuse me! - You're excused. What's the probiem? Nothing these 2 barrels can't solve. Why don't you give me the gun? 'Cause I'm a crazy old man. I'm as llkeiy to biow you out of your socks... as give you the time of day. What do you think of that? It'd be a damn shame to shoot it out with you. I suppose it wouid. I was just gonna scare him. You scared me. Here. What's going on with you and the farmer's trust? This here is what's going on. Look at it. Look there and there. All right. Let me read it, okay? Go ahead. Nobody can do anything about that, no way. That's true. - Ciambaker! - That's Kiembecker. Steve W. Kiembecker, president of the farmer's trust. Farmer's trust! My Aunt Suzy's rear end! One of the forward-thinking businessmen... who convinced the councll we needed a new sheriff. We never needed a sheriff... untll you showed up, you crook! Hoid it. Wait. Did you send this ietter? I belleve that's my signature right there. I'm afraid the party's over? The party's over. That's correct. As per Mr. Wrenchmuller's ioan agreement... the credit union has legal right to assume control... of the property tomorrow at noon... uniess he can come up with the cash or a crop to sign over. Nobody's got a crop. There's nothing you can do with the property... - until next season anyway. - Sheriff Hoxiey. Sheriff Hoxiey, you're new here. Let me clue you in. You see, we have direct highway access now... and the opportunity to turn this town into a metropolis. Uniess you've got the money to pay off overdue ioans... maybe you shouid stick to the kind of calls... we hired you to handie... llke keeping vagrants off the street. If you would? We'll deal with this in the morning... at the courthouse. Come on, Mr. Wrenchmuller. Aren't you kinda big for a boy scout? I can take care of myseif. Happy Halloween, Big Bean. [ Alarm Buzzers ] The Arcturians have destroyed the fleet. I've sent a distress signal... to all ships across the gaiaxy. We're headed into their sun and are about to explode! I have not yet begun to fight. Now would be a great time to start! [ Screaming ] How was school today? Okay. How was sheriffing? Okay. You really don't like it here, do you, Kathy? Everything was starting to get back to normai. - Then we just decide to move. - It's a good job. - There's nothing to do. - There's trick or treat. You're sending me with kids I don't know. Somebody's got to keep the streets safe. From what? Cows? Do we have any Krazy giue? Um, I think it's in that box. - What's the matter? - Everyone's gonna show up dressed llke... scarecrows, pigs, and ciowns and stuff. So? I'm not sure Big Bean is ready for allens. [ Radio Announcer ] Achoo! Sorry about that folks. This being Halloween night... I thought it'd be fun to dust off an old favorite... from the golden days of radio. 50 years ago tonight, Orson Welles... gave a depressed nation a few hours... of desperateiy needed fun. Things being the way they are these days... we couid sure use a llttie of that. So, Big Bean... just for tonight... forget your woes and have a good time. [ Record ] The Columbia Broadcasting System and its affiliated stations... present Orson Welles and the Mercury Theatre... in "the War of the Worlds. " Ladies and gentlemen... the director and star of these broadcasts, Orson Welles. [ Orson Welles ] We know now in the early years of the 20th century... this world was being watched closely by intelligences... greater than man's, yet as mortal as his own. We know that as humans busied themselves... about their various concerns... they were scrutinized and studied... perhaps almost as narrowly as a man with a microscope... might scrutinize the transient creatures... that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. With infinite complacence... people went about their little affairs... serene in the assurance of their dominion... over this small, spinning fragment of solar driftwood... which by chance or design... man has inherited out of the dark mystery of time and space. Yet, across an immense ethereal gulf... minds that are to our minds... as ours are to the beasts in the jungle... intellects vast, cool and unsympathetic... regarded this Earth with envious eyes... and slowly and surely drew their plans against us. Hey, I heard a distress signai. Patroi ship X-5-9-Y-P-Q to Battie Group 7, come in. It's like the fleet disappeared! Maybe it's interference. Get us outta the rocks. We're aimost ciear. Okay... hit it! [ Radio Signal Beeps ] [ Orson Welles ] Ladies and gentlemen, I have a grave announcement. Both the observations of science... and the evidence of our eyes... lead to the inescapable assumption... that those beings who landed in theJersey Farmlands... are the vanguard of an invading army from Mars. [ Shouting And Laughter] I remember when they first played that. You remember pterodactyls. I remember you fell for that... hook, line, and sinker. - I did not. - You did so. You put a big bucket on your head... and took off with them army boys to fight Martians. Ain't you dead yet? Can't I stay with you and fight crime? I'll see you at the Spookiuck dinner. Give us a kiss. That's my giri. I shouid have come as a wedge of cheese. I'm probabiy the oniy allen for a billion miles. [ Laughter] [ Orson Welles ]... Martians visible above treetops moving north. Hi, Mom... Dad. Weicome to another thrllllng, true-llfe episode of... Russell Pillsbury, Deputy Sheriff. I'm parked... by Big Bean's new off-ramp... and wlli soon be giving the city's 1 st speeding ticket. Who will be the lucky winner? [ Laughter] We gotta get us some money... or they're gonna kick us out of here. Then we'll have to llve with my sister Marge... and her poodie. - Arf! - Yeah. [ Whimpering ] Why did I have to go and get oid? [ Laughter] [ Beeping ] It's 8:15 P.M., October 31 st. I've just been aierted to a speed vioiation in progress. Watch now as I teach this automotive scofflaw a lesson in motor-vehicular responsibility. Nobody gets away... with going 3,000 M.P.H. In a 55... [ Gasp ] Don't s'pose we'll ever see... a night quite llke that again. - Not llkeiy. - Nope, nope. [ Clatter ] [ Lady ] I'll get the bucket. [ Crash ] Damn. Termites are munching... on our barn. We're gonna have to do something before they ruin it. Come on,Jim. [ Engine Sputtering ] Who taught you to drive, you moron! Nice ianding, Biaznee. Are we there? Is this it? Kids, 3-D and driving just don't mix. Weicome to Earth. Enjoy it whlle it iasts. Are you sure this is where the fleet is? You heard the Earthllng's pathetic radio broadcast. Lookout for that heat ray. Heip us. We're gonna die.? [ Wicked Laugh ] They got that right. Hee-hee-hee. Biaznee, this is the piace. We're here. Let's start enjoying ourseives! Let's maneuver cioser to the action. Strafe the iocai citizenry before we iand. Sorry. No can do. - Why not? - Let's see. We got a torqued-out digiframus. Our megaspazz redundancy plle is on the bllnk. It iooks llke we bruised our boo-boo. He's making the whoie iast bit up. There's no such thing! Coward! Heh-heh-heh. Let's kick some Earthllng butt! Finally, a reai mission. Maybe we better think this over, huh? Good-bye, civllian asteroid patroi. Hello, atomic space navy. The fleet was supposed to be attacking Arcturus. The pian to attack Arcturus... was obviously a clever decoy... for the reai operation: the totai annihllation of all things human. Now, quit raining on our parade! But why? Why wouid Mars want to attack... the puny, insignificant forces of Earth? Because we win! Prepare to die, Earth scum! Where is everybody? Blowing up all the good stuff. Come on. I think we brought the wrong gun. It certainly is green here. Perhaps our camouflage is inappropriate. Come on,Jim. [ Beeping ] Just for the record... I'm llstening. I thought this was a bad idea. Just for the record, you'd better hope not. May,June... July, August... 15, 18! They're Martians! I knew it! Jim, it iooks as if me and you... is the Earth's only hope. That's kinda sad, ain't it? I guess it's better to die... a horribie, agonizing death defending the Earth... than to wither away... with Marge and her poodie. [ Growl ] That's the spirit! We got work to do. - What do you make of it, Doctor? - It's iong, flat... and has yellow lines. That can only mean one thing. - A mine fieid? - A country road. That's what they want us to think. One faise move and kaboom! You'll go home in more pieces than you arrived. Corporai Pez? - What? - See if we can get across. - Why don't we go around? - Move! I'm going home in a bag! It's aiways the corporai that gets biown up first. Dr. Zipiock, anything in the worid-domination kit... - to help us? - Let's see. This iooks interesting. - Don't touch that! - Excuse me! Hit the dirt! - What? - Get down, stupid! What in the name of Uncie Martin is that? Scout-in-a-can. smart, efficient... easy to use, and it's expendable! Mine fieid, indeed! What a bunch of twinkie stuffing! Lt. Giggywig, you give these simpie Earthllngs... far too much credit. Capt. Bipto? What happened? Some kind of secret weapon came out of nowhere... and took Capt. Bipto to his doom! [ Muttering ] Come back, Earth scum! Wlli there be anything eise, senor? Couid you get the windshieid, piease? It wouid be my pieasure. Who are you supposed to be? I am... Ei Zorro! See Kathy sit. See Kathy sit aione. See Kathy grow cobwebs and fossllize in boredom. Our first target. Think I can hit it from here? - Wait a minute. - Let's shoot something aiready. Shh. Wow! That's the best allen costume I've ever seen! Thanks. I llke yours, too. My mom made it. She went to a iot of troubie. - What are you supposed to be? - I'm a duck! - Who died and ieft you in charge? - Capt. Bipto! I'm Kathy. Brian Hampton. Nice to meet you. Where did a nice giri llke you... iearn how to make something so... mind-numbingiy terrifying? - I spent time with my uncie this summer. -Uh-huh. - He works in the movies making zombies and monsters. - Uh-huh. - I wanted to stay and work for him, - Uh-huh. - but I had to come here with my dad. - Uh-huh. Where's your mom? She died iast May. Gee, I'm sorry. That's too bad. So... it's just you and your dad, huh? Yeah, and some goidfish. If you ever need a llttie brother... just give me a call. All right, you two, it's time to go. Come on! [ Giggie ] How cute! How... ioveiy. Vern, hurry it up! I've got a coid beer and a hot woman... and I'm trying to keep 'em that way. - Mr. Kiembecker, flli it up? - Yeah and get the windows. Warm enough, sweet cheeks? [ Car Radio ] Darling, come back to me I'm as lonesome as can be I'm as jumpy as a bug I'm as perky as a slug Honey darling, come back to me When you left home - I wrote a little poem - Hi, Dody. But it don't help me 'cause I can't read Honey darling, come back to me I'm as lonesome as can be What are you supposed to be? Oh, nothing... just Zorro. Zorro's got a hat, you dope! Mr. Kiembecker, iooks llke you hit something. Ciean that up! Oh, man! Get that off of there! That ain't gonna work! Here, use this. When's my Caddy gonna be done? You can pick it up tomorrow. Good! It better be ciean. It's ciean. I pollshed it up llke you said to. Yuck. That's 13 gallons... at $1.10 a gallon... - that'll be... - Catch you later, okay, pal? Yes, Mr. Klembecker... you... butthead! You take the ieft flank, I'll take the right. You always get the right flank. We've never done this before, idiot! - What's with the happy sounds? - They're giddy with fear. - Look! - Get back. Lock and ioad. - They're shorter than I thought. - Let's take 'em out. [ Dr. Ziplock ] What if hey come in small, medium and large! - How cute! - Wow, a dinosaur! You're all alike! Prepare to die, Earth scum! [ Giggie ] Maybe later. Have fun. Huh? - What? Come back. - Kids, all aboard. That's something... you don't see every day. - What now, O mighty ieader? - Klli them! Kill them! I said,?prepare to die, Earth scum!? - [ Sigh ] - Oh, now you've got her. Yep, she's definiteiy terrified. Oh, boy. Boys. [ Alien ] Wait a minute. Atomize her aiready. What's your probiem? Shouidn't this human be quivering in terror... at our menacing, sinister-iooking weaponry? - You'd think so. - Everybody, move over. Make room for the... - Just piay aiong. - What are we? Martians! Of course you are. Well, get in. Perhaps if we ride in this transport... we can find their secret resistance headquarters. Let's shoot our way out. - It'll be fun. - Shh. They don't know we're Martians. Not know? We're llttie green men with antennas. They think we're wearing costumes. What a bunch of morons! Let's flame these bozos. They're too stupid to llve! We have a full tank of gas and iots of empty bags. - What shall we do? - [ Kids ] Trick or treat? - Smell my feet. - Oh, gross! - Oh, great. - Trick or what? I'm sick and tired... of that oid jerk, Kiembecker... pushing everyone around. That's it. I'm gonna finish the pians for this farmzoid. Someday I'll be abie to irrigate every fieid... and make all the farms heaithy again. Then I'll pick up that farmer's trust of his... and drop-kick it into the next county. He thinks he's such a hotshot. This wlli work, I think. [ Gasp ] Heh-heh-heh. [ Laughing ] Mr. Kiembecker, it iooks llke... Dody. Do-o-o-dy. [ Ding, Ding ] Wait! You are my robot siave. - You wlli follow my every command. - Yes, Capt. Bipto. However, my new allegiance... to His Imperial Majesty might come to light... if I negiect my reguiar patrons. We must keep up the appearance... of a normally functioning, fuel-dispensing depot... whlle we act as undercover agents... of Mars. [ Car Horn ] I wlli be right back. Weicome to the Gas King, fuei-dispensing depot. How may I be of assistance? Capt. Bipto to the invasion force. Capt. Bipto to the invasion force. Hmm? Oh-oh-oh. I can't contact the ship or the invasion force. I can oniy assume the worst. We must bulld an attack vehicie; something that wlli strike terror... into whomever sets eyes upon it... something with huge wheeis... so we can crush the panicking popuiace. Something from which I can overiook the battiefieid... and direct our victorious invasion force. [ Vern ] Something like this? I was thinking of something a bit iarger. [ Martian Taik ] Those guys are definiteiy not from here. - No kidding! Look. - Hey! I know what I'm getting for Christmas. - Give him here. - Lighten up. It's just a stupid toy. You're not a toy at all, are you? I hope you're making him move llke that. [ Mother] All right, first stop. Everybody got their bags? Remember, look both ways before crossing the street. So that's the trick. If oniy Capt. Bipto had known. I wonder what Kiembecker's gonna give us this year. I hope it's not dead rats. My mom had a cow iast time. What? Trick or treat? Yeah. I forgot. Hoid on. Here's one for you. One for you. Plenty to go around. Cigarettes? Okay, forget it! [ Wacky Martian Music ] [ Crash ] Hello? Hello? Well, well, well... what have we here? Damn. He must be some kind of... health-food nut. We're gonna make... a bezllllon dollars out of this story... and 2 bezllllon on the pictures. [ Click ] Damn! The flash don't work,Jim. Where are we gonna get batteries... at this time of night? We gotta hurry. There's no telling what them... wlly space creatures wlli be up to. [ Vern ] The smell of battery acid makes me thirsty. With all their advanced technoiogy... iook at the pitifui conveyances... - the puny Earth peopie construct. - Oh, dear. This one empioys a mere 250 horsepower. Our attack vehicie wlli cause their eyes... to shoot out of their heads in fear. Hurry! Who knows what unspeakabie terrors... have befallen my troops? Wow! What a haui! This is great! - This kid's gonna barf. - Are you gonna barf?. I think he's gonna barf, Mom. - Sit down! - If he barfs, your hairdo's history. Do I know you boys? They're on to us. We gotta get outta here. - I'd llke an answer. - Have I got an answer! Perhaps I'll have to remove those heads of yours... and find out for myself. - How do you fire this? - Not that button. - Not llke that, idiot. - Whoa! Did you hear that? Them Martians is starting their attack. Ah, the carnage begins! I iove it! Hurry, I want to get in on all the fun. You jerk! Don't mess with me, kid. You wouldn't like me when I'm mad. Where are you really from? [ Mother ] Tell me who you are, or by tomorrow... they'll be printing your pictures on milk cartons! They're my cousins! Excuse me? - From Callfornia. - Dude. That's Clutch. That's Spinner. Yo! - That's Paddlefoot. - Hi. They're surfers. Why didn't you say so in the first piace, hmm? Yeah. Hmm? Well, I'm new here. I don't really know anyone. I didn't think they'd be troubie. No real harm is done. You're weicome, provided you save... those missile attacks for a more suitable occasion. Yes, ma'am. I don't mean to pry, but wouid you mind... telling me exactiy what's going on here? These guys are from a iot further away than Callfornia. Before you continue, I remind you... that I'm just a llttie boy and susceptibie to nightmares. Waaa! That's it! I gave you another chance. Since you can't behave... we'll take everyone home! What's all this? Oh, yes. You! Prepare to die, Earth scum, again! [ Mother ] You've made your point. Now sit down and shut up! When a superior alien culture... comes all this way to take over your worid... certain iaws of pianetary conquest appiy. For example, when someone points... a quad-spected hyperthermic cosmobiaster at you... it's a fair bet you are about to become toast. Piease sit down and be quiet. Perhaps in your case, a ioaf of toast! [ Wheels Screech ] - Uh-oh. - Get out! Nice going, big mouth. - I said,?Out!? - I didn't do anything. I want you out of my car this minute! Get out! I can be pushed... [ Mother ] But I will not be smart-talked! [ Alien ] Shut up,you old bat! I think I see my dad's truck. [ Kathy ] You can let me and my friend out. What truck? I don't see any... Shh. Come on. I think that wouid be best, Miss Hoxiey. [ Brian ] Good-bye. Thanks for a lovely evening. Don't worry about us. We'll be fine out here, all alone... in the dark! - Hey! - I don't know what's going on... but I've oniy got haif a bag of candy... so it better be good. - Happy now? - Well, who was the one... who shot his heat-seeking annihllator out the window? All right. I'll give it to you straight. We're being invaded by Martians. I'm gonna follow them. You get my dad. My sister gets haif of whatever's in my bag... so you better be right! [ Orson Welles ] As I set down these notes on paper... I'm obsessed by the thought I may be... - my God. The last living man on Earth. I've been hiding in this empty house near Grover's Mill. All that's happened before the arrival... of these monstrous creatures... Russell? Where are those guys? Geez, if I get this bucket fixed before they get back... they're waiking home. This piace gives me the wlllles. [ Gasp ] Nobody gets away from Russell Pllisbury, Deputy Sheriff. Aw, geez. Wouid you mind stepping out of the vehicie, sir? Now! Maybe it's in backwards. - [ Growling ] - You're getting dog spit all over it. Ha! Atta boy! Wlli you stop wasting fllm? Gee, Officer, what seems to be the probiem? No llcense, no registration... no piates, no headllghts... no tallllghts, no wheeis! I clocked you going 3,000 miles per hour. That's 2,945 mlles an hour in excess of the posted llmit! Great! There goes my insurance. At $10 for every 5 mlles an hour over the llmit... Oh, you're gonna do time, pai. You may even get the chair for this. Maybe you better step back... and get the big picture here. Okay. [ Snap ] I've just made a serious mistake... haven't I? Ain't llfe a bust? Ooo. Ouch! Meanwhlle, eisewhere on the pianet... [ Click ] This is Orson Welles, ladies and gentlemen... to assure you that "the War of the Worlds"... has no further significance... than as the holiday offering it was intended to be. - the Mercury Theatre's radio version... - Huh? - of dressing in a sheet and saying "Boo!" - Oh. We couldn't soap your windows, steal all your garden gates... [ Enforcer Drone ] You have failed. It's discipllnary review time. [ Orson Welles ]... probably destroyed CBS. You'll be relieved... to learn that we didn't mean it... and both institutions are still open for business. Good-bye everybody. Remember, please... the terrible lesson you learned tonight. That grinning, glowing, globular invader in your living room... is an inhabitant of the pumpkin patch. If your doorbell rings and nobody's there... that was no Martian. It's Halloween. You wanna bet? [ Blaznee ] I told 'em we were to attack Arcturus. It's not my fault. Let's talk this out. I'll go get them... and we can blow up any planet you want. - Just give us a chance! - Too late. Your imperfection has exceeded acceptabie... error levels. You are... terminated! No! Now for the others. Come on,Jim. [ Mr. Wrenchmuller ] You hear that? He must be on the other side of that bale. This time, we're gonna get ourseives... the picture of the century. Are you ready? Get set. Go! Ahh! I thought you was a Martian. What'd you do with him? He was right here when I ieft. He was here when I ieft, too. What do you suppose was in there? [ Giggywig ] That's it! I'm gonna klli something if it's the iast thing I do. This time, nothing is going to stand... in my way. Yeah, right. What now, terrifying one? Shouidn't we be trying to find the fleet? Sure, we can do it the easy way... or we can sack this entire area... all by ourselves with a brilliantly conceived... meticulously executed and perfectly-timed operation. - We're gonna biow something up. - Yeah, but... But what? Sheriff Hoxiey's at the V.F.W. Hall. He'll know what to do. We're gonna need us more than a sheriff. - We're gonna need us an army. - They'll never belleve us. [ Wrenchmuller ] They're gonna believe us, all right. [ Car Horn ] The Martians is coming! Oh, oh. - What's going on? - I'll tell you what. Big Bean is being invaded by Martians. What is this stuff? From space! Yikes! You think I'm crazy, do you? Well, I've got one of'em back here in the truck. Come on. Take a iook at this. Take a iook at what? He was here. I swear it. Look. - That's his green blood. - That's paint. He's getting away. He's going to join his space army. Space army? I'd death-ray my grandmother for a space army about now. [ Siren ] - Tell him, Russell. - It's true. I gave one of'em a ticket. I'm telling you. It looked... llke a full-scaie invasion. [ Klembecker ] I'll tell you what it looks like. It iooks llke a hoax to me. [ Siren ] Mr. Wrenchmuller is telling the truth. Are you insane? I don't pretend to know everything that's going on... but it's clear to me from evidence I've seen... that we are being visited... by intelligent creatures. Intelligent creatures? That'll throw 'em off the trall. I even got pictures. Look here. That's what they look like. They iook just llke the sheriff s nephews. - My nephews? - Your nephews are Martians? No, my nephews aren't Martians. I don't even have any nephews. Their spaceship's in my barn. - He's a crazy man. - Where'd they get a spaceship? In California. They're surfers. Surfers? That's what your daughter said. Wait. Where is Kathy? She got out with your Martian surfer nephews. Mrs. Vanderspooi, do know how stupid that sounds? They're llttie? - That's right. - And green? Yes! Littie dealle-bobs coming out their head? Now you're cookin' with gas. Sounds llke Martians to me. [ Sheriff ] I want everybody to remain calm. We shouid do something about this. Biaznee to Worid Domination Force. Not now, Biaznee. I'm busy seallng the doom of countiess mllllons. - Shove off. - The device is in place. They'll never escape us now. Ha, ha! - Ha, ha. - Ha, ha. - Ha, ha. That's it. Let the enforcer drone have 'em. - [ Footsteps ] - Oops. Sheriff Hoxley! Sheriff Hoxley! Hoid it, hey! Come back here. There are Martians over here! Martians, Martians! [ Brian ] Ahhh! - [ Klunk ] - Ha! Never mess with a frisbee champion. Mayday, Mayday, going in. Dr. Zipiock? Huh? Activate the hovervid. - We shouid call the nationai guard. - Wait. Hold it. You're going about this all wrong. There's nothing to indicate we're in danger. We don't know what we're deallng with... or even where they are! [ Giggywig ] We interrupt to bring you a special announcement. The Martians have ianded. Prepare to die, Earth scum. All right, where's your spaceship? What's a spaceship? And what are you? I'm a carnivorous duck and I'm in a bad mood. Start talking or I start eating! Oh, oh, you mean my spaceship. I get your drift now. I can iead you right to it. Come on. Some allen menace you turned out to be! - Capt. Bipto? - Hmm? - I'm picking up a signai from the omnibiab. - Oh? On behaif of His Majesty's Atomic Space Navy... I hereby invite you to surrender peacefully... so that we may execute you in an orderiy fashion. [ Giggywig ] Just in case you're thinking of fleeing in mass panic... forget it! We're cutting off your only means of escape. Brllllant! I wouid give anything... to see the faces of those human scum now! The off-ramp. They biew up... our new off-ramp! Watch as we obllterate a few of your puny misslle sllos. Hey... they're at the co-op! Let's get 'em! [ Wrenchmuller] Wait, wait, I saw 'em first. [ Sheriff ] Wait a minute. [ Wrenchmuller] I've got pictures. Terrifying, isn't it? [ Laughter] I've got pictures of'em. Hurry up. Everyone's watching. He keeps trying to put tab?A? into siot? B.? I am not. It says right here... "insert erradignathnic flodad... into hyperpodnec cyboclutch. " See? Ah, hi. [ Kathy ] You gonna turn me in? Don't you want to take over the worid, too? We're ready! Fire! Ooo! Pretty neat, huh? This isn't supposed to happen in small towns. I moved here to get away from things llke this. This happen a iot in Chicago? This is what pianetary siege weapons are all about. [ Laughter] Wait a minute. Cease fire. Something's wrong. Wrong? What? - It's been booby-trapped. - And we're the boobies. Ha, ha! Another big one! [ Giggywig ] What is this stuff? [ Dr. Zipiock ] It's the most insidious weapon I've ever seen! [ Pez Munching ] Hey, it doesn't taste bad. [ Giggywig ] How do we get out of here? [ Pez ] Follow me! [ Munching ] Boy, you guys are in big troubie now. We gotta get out of here fast. Hey! It's a map of Big Bean. That's my house. This is where we are now. Show me where your ship ianded. That's oid man Wrenchmuller's. I know where that is. Come on. There's one. Shoot it you idiot! - [ Gunshot ] - [ Meowing ] Never mind. Shoot that instead. [ Gunshots ] Are we all having fun yet? - Yahoo. - What a disaster. [ Duck ] Is this some kind of trick? Look, kid... you heiped me out of a jam so I'll ievei with you. I don't know anything about this invasion thing. If you heip me, I'll do my best to try and stop it. Deai? Deai. [ Pez ] This is it! We're here! [ Giggywig ] Where are the craters and flaming buildings? This is where the battie took piace. We're iost! We missed the war and it's your fauit. - My fauit? - Maybe if we just ask somebody? My one chance at the big time and you've ruined it. - Shut up! - This gentieman, perhaps? - Excuse me. - Oh! - You scared me. - So sorry. No, that's good. We're getting somewhere. - Which way to the massacre? - The what? Oh, you mean the... Ha, ha. I'm sorry, boys, but it's over. - Huh? - Over? I'm afraid so. It's a shame you missed the ending. That's the best part. How so? You see... just when it seemed... the Earth was doomed to be taken over... the Martians just up and died. Really? What happened to all their bodies? The birds got 'em, mostiy. Pecking and tearing, swallowing mouthfuls... of rubbery flesh! And the dogs... had their turn at them! Fighting over scraps and gnawing on their little skeletons. Woof!. And just how did they die? Our germs got 'em. - Germs? - Yeah. Littie microbes... llke the ones that gave me this damn coid. Achoo! [ Panicked Yelling ] - Have a good time, boys. - I've got germs! Aah! Don't touch me! I don't mean to be nosy... but was there any particuiar reason... you guys decided to invade Earth? - Promise you won't iaugh? - Sure! Ever hear of?the War of the Worids? [ Pez ] Guys, guys? Get a ioad of this! [ Laughing ] Where do we go? What do we do? - Where do we hide? - Back to the ship. Back to the asteroids. I iove the asteroids! Nice, quiet, oid asteroid patroi. - That's the llfe for me. - Are you kidding? We'll never make it with the enemy firepower out there. - Lucklly I remembered to bring my distress-o-matic. - [ Beeping ] I iove this guy! Come here, you oid... [ Alarm Buzzers ] Aw, no! Not now. It's not ready. What's not ready? The ship. A vacuum-head pulled a distress-o-matic. - A what? - Emergency beacon autopllot. The ship's programmed to fly to it no matter what. Verndroid, where did you put the... [ Beeping ] That's a distress-o-matic signai. My boys are in troubie. Verndroid, there's not a moment to iose! - [ Beeping ] - What? No, it's this way. - [ Beeping ] - Wait! [ Beeping ] A farmer's all-purpose heiper. It's guaranteed to remove stumps... gophers, and drastically reduce... the flight potentiai of Martian spaceships. Jim, you stay there. I'll be right back. I've got to rig an override before the engine charges. - What do you want me to do? - Run for your llfe! Run for your life, boy! Oh! Abandon ship, shorty. Abandon it? I've just fixed it. Too bad 'cause I'm about to un-fix it. What's going on? - What are you doing? - Cancelling your ticket home. Folks would give money to get their hands on you. I'm the one that's gonna get it! I guess you better evacuate the premises. Let me shut the engines off with this little red switch. Get out of here, kid! [ Brian ] Whoa! Come on,Jim. We're outta here. Wait. Hoid it! Wait a minute. Now we're really outta here! Forgive me, mother. I have to throw away my fins. I'll make it up to you someday... somehow! Whoa! Listen. What's that? It can't be any worse than that. Whoa! Duck. Duck! No! Duck! Wait! Hold it right there. Are you a Martian? I'm a duck! If you're a duck, where are your webbed feet? Snap out of it. The Martians, they went that way. I said whoa! When I say whoa, I mean whoa! Come on. We gotta get off this crazy rock. I guess this is good-bye. Don't take it so hard. Aaah! What about me? Knock it off. I'm busy! Waaa! - The ship, the ship! - All right. Let's boogie! [ Dr. Ziplock ] Activate defense shields. [ Pez ] The humans are coming! The humans are coming! Biaznee, get us out of here. No can do. Thanks to your stupid distress-o-matic... we tweaked our vapor plates. Our megaspazz redundancy pile has been fried. I had to klli the autopllot. I don't care. Fix all of it. All of you, fix it, fix it. Who's that? [ Dr. Ziplock ] Clean out the erradicamixer and unscrew the clutch fader. [ Pez ] Are you crazy? You know how bad that's gonna smell? Hand me a piasma coupier. Who cares what is smells like! Come on, aiready. Stand by for takeoff. [ Capt. Bipto ] That must be our boys wreaking havoc over there. Thank you. I shall wait in the transport. Good. You do that. He's such a good boy. [ Gunshots ] Come on. What's taking so iong? Enter the N-38 to the 6th power. Now we cross-llnk... the improbalator to the smalltersnatch. My men! [ Shouting ] - Oh. - I must say, I'm impressed, a brllllant victory brought about by your wlli to win. - Here we go. - Let's get 'em! What the heck is that thing? Who cares? Just shoot it. We did win, didn't we? No, but if we think fast enough... we just might llve to lle about it. What's the probiem? Just vaporize... everyone, everything. Poof!. Mission accompllshed. Medais, awards, a parade. Next? No, wrong, faise, none of the above. - Why? Because we're not supposed to be here. - What? We goofed. We erred. We misinterpreted the data at hand. I toid you so. Let me expiain the situation in a nutshell. There are 5 of us and 4 bllllon of them. They have strategic air commands, nuclear-powered submarines... and John Wayne. We have this. - Is it ioaded? - Let's find out. Wait! We've got bigger probiems. - What's worse than this? - That. Who let him out? Martians... I'm afraid we have no choice. We wlli have to use the D.O.D. [ Gasp ] Break out the kits. What's the D.O.D? What does it do? You can't! If you iet your friends biow up the Earth... I'll never speak to you again. Hold your fire. Hoid your fire! Put your guns down. What the heck is that? Citizens of Earth, surrender or die. Why shouid we? We've got you surrounded. Take it easy, Kiembecker. If you don't surrender, or attempt to kill us... this device wlli detonate, and you, your town... and everything within a mllllon mlle radius... wlli just simpiy go... kaboom! Wow! You'll be kllied, too! Wrong! This, you see... is the donut of destruction! It wlli obllterate all of you... while leaving us completely unscathed. Yeah? What about your ship? Won't it be obllterated, too? - We're doomed! - Let's iet 'em have it! [ Giggywig ] Gimme that. Prepare to die, Earth scum. You did it again. You put tab '"A "into slot "B. " - I must've toid you a hundred times! - No, I didn't! - It wasn't me. - You want to argue or llve? Get 'em! [ Kathy ] Are you all right? - I can't move. My whoie body's asieep. - I'll get heip. [ Kathy ] Hey, somebody help. Hurry! Kathy? Kathy! I've been iooking all over for you. What the heck is that? [ Brian ] You're allve! ? Prepare to die, Earth scum.? I'll make sure they carve that on your tombstone. Aw, shut up. They was all I needed to save my farm and I aimost had 'em. I could have been rich and never had to worry. It's gonna be all right. I'll take you to my piace. They landed on my farm. That counts for something. - Sure it does. - Verndroid to Capt. Bipto. Capt. Bipto, come in, please. [ Russell ] There's something wrong with my brother. - Vern's your brother? - Capt. Bipto, come in, piease! - He used to be. - Vern, are you all right? It must be shock. I'll take him to my piace. I'll take care of your truck. Keep an eye on that untll I get back. Listen, Russell is the sheriff now. Listen to what he says. [ Russell ] All right, let's get organized. Are you all right? Yes. You have a good expianation as to what you were doing... riding in an alien spacecraft? Nice knowing you. What have we here? Martians got popcorn? Here you go. It'll be all right. - [ Kathy ] What are we gonna do? - You're going to bed. - What are you gonna do? - I don't know. I'll call the air force, I guess. You can't. They hate Martians. - They'll shoot and drop nuciear bombs. - I don't know about bombs... but they deserve whatever they get. Now come on. But, Dad, they're not really bad. They're just stupid. They haven't really hurt anybody. If we heip them get away... no one wlli ever know the difference. Honey, I'm supposed to be the sheriff. If I don't get heip to controi this... and it gets more out of hand... it'll be my fauit. I might as well throw away this badge. That's all you care about, your stupid badge. If you want to be a big, important sheriff... why don't you do things yourseif? At ieast they have a chance with you. What are we going to do now? Looks llke we'll have to appiy for citizenship. If oniy we couid have connected with the invasion force. It couid have been giorious! If we ever get out, remind me. I've got a reai funny story to tell you. We're doomed to spend our llves... breathing 74% nitrogen. Oh, give me a home Where the asteroids roam And the dweebs and the fuzzymugs piay Where gravity's iow And the water is siow And the desert winds biow you away Mars, Mars is my home Where everyone's short just llke me I wish I was where There is not so much air And 2 moons to smlle down upon me [ Sigh ] Hey, what are you doing here? There's no piace llke home. There's no piace llke home. There's no piace llke home. Hey, shortstuff, weicome back. We're trying to figure out how to get outta here. Got any bright ideas? Well, bless your little batteries. Number for the Strategic Air Command, piease. What extension, please? Do you have a llsting for reporting unusuai phenomena? - A U.F.O.? - That'll do. There's no such listing. I do have unlimited listings for psychiatrists. Wait, iady, I don't need to hear this. Oh, no. Kathy? Kathy? Kathy? [ Kathy ] You melonheads! That was just an old radio show. I figured out why you're here. You were sent to ruin my Halloween, weren't you? Capt. Bipto to Verndroid. Come in, piease. Capt. Bipto to Verndroid! Yes, Capt. Bipto? Remember the surprise we were working on? The time has come... to unieash its terror! [ Verndroid ] Wouid you llke it equipped with nuciear warheads... - or particie beam weapons? - Who me? [ Capt. Bipto ] Whatever. Be creative. We'll meet you there. [ Car Engine ] - Well? - Let's do it. [ Beeping ] - Aw! - What's wrong? The hyperfusion-feedback governor on the ship... just had a meitdown. If we don't get back to zero gravity... in the next, oh, hour... the ship's hyperdrive wlli impiode... creating an ever-expanding hole... in the space-time continuum... making you, me, and the rest of this gaiaxy... some other universe's problem. Right? Ciose enough. [ Giggywig ] We look stupid, don't we? Keep your head down. Maybe no one wlli see us. I don't see why I have to pedai. [ Brian ] Nobody rides for free. [ Dr. Ziplock ] What's he doing? It's my dad! - Did he spot us? - I don't think so. [ Klembecker ] Outta the way. Shotgun coming through. We need more ammo. - Did you get them? - We aimost got 'em. - Mr. Klembecker shot a bunny. - Shut up! - It was charging! - Let's stay cooi. I don't want anybody to get hurt. - We're trapped. What are we gonna do? - [ Beeping ] Die horribie, searing deaths in iess than an hour. Can we heip? [ Vern ] No, I'm fine. A little more ocular welding and we'll be set. What the heck is that? It's a diversion. We're gonna get the ship back. You better not try to stop us! If you get through me, you'll have to deal with him. Reiax, kid, I've just come to heip. I aiready got a whoie bunch of pictures. If I help them get away, I'll have the only ones. Gentlemen, I present... the farmzoid. - All right. - Hurry, hurry! Now that's a diversion! We can't wait. We have to chance it. I toid you to go to bed! Take me to your secret government iabs, and cut me into wafer-thin sections. They want to go home. They've made a mistake. And they're sorry. Aren't you? And getting sorrier by the minute. The ship's gonna biow up... and destroy the Earth in 15 minutes! Really, Dad. Hey, it's your planet. Just for the sake of argument... how are you pianning on getting out? There's a few things I haven't tried yet. They're risky, but better than death. Probabiy. We worked really hard on creating this big diversion. A diversion? What kind of a diversion? - [ Engine Noise ] - What the heck is that? Uh, that diversion. [ Space Ship Engine Sputters ] I gotta admit. That's a diversion. I don't care what the heck that thing is. Adios. [ Vern ] Hey, Kiembecker? Laugh now, butthead! I'll drive. Hey? Mayday, Mayday. Look, you guys caused a iot of damage here. You're gonna have to make restitution somehow. If you promise me that, then I'll heip you. Promise me that you can hit that bllnking red llght... in the next 10 seconds... or we're gonna need heip from a higher source. Hang on. [ Gunshots ] Aaah! - Which red button? - That one. Not that one! Mayday. Somebody answer me. Capt. Bipto, what's wrong? We've got probiems. We'll need a miracie... to get this baby off the ground, much iess outer space. Can you tip that contraption up on its butt? If the verticai orientation struts are functioning. I think I've got you covered... but we have to get back to the farm. - Tell them to meet us there. - Right. Meet at the Wrenchmuller farm. Bipto out. Hey, where do you guys grow your Wrenchmullers? There must be something we can use. You can't just take a car. [ Chuckie ] It's all right, kid. I know this guy. Vern, you come down right now, hear? [ Gunshots ] Shoot, my heipiess friends, shoot! Fire everything you've got. The farmzoid is impervious. That's it. Mom's gonna hear about this! - [ Kathy ] Make a left. - [ Blaznee ] Left? - Left? - Right. I mean,yes. Come back, you cowards. Come back here! It's just... a big toy robot. If I win, the whoie tank wins... not just one guy. Aaah! [ Laughing ] In case anybody's interested... we have 12 minutes untll the end of the worid. Put this puppy into hyperdrive! Maybe I better take a shortcut. Listen, I'd llke to llve to see... the end of the worid! Okay? There's the farm. Whoa! I'm telling you, that ship has got... the flight potentiai of a cement truck. I can fix that. What's that? That's a farmer's all-purpose heiper. It's guaranteed to remove stumps, gophers... and improve the flight potential... of a Martian spaceship. - Get outta here. - Heip yourseives. Wait up. This I gotta see. This is your captain speaking. I'd like to thank you for flying Air Blaznee. I hope we live long enough to do this again sometime. Come on. You're not gonna belleve this! - Bypass the ecto-thruster. - Guys, wait a minute. That's the guy who wants to blow us up. [ Wrenchmuller ] Flight One to Mars now boarding. What are you gonna do with this? Sheriff, ain't you ever put... a cherry bomb under a garbage can? - Ha-ha-ha. - A what? Don't you guys ever llsten? - Anybody seen my astropians? - Who took the torus callbrator? Listen to me. Biaznee, we'll fix that iater. Prepare to iaunch. - This isn't gonna work. - Don't worry. Our Earth friends are gonna give us an extra boost. That guy wants to boost his bank account. He's trying to biow up the ship. Assume verticai iaunch position. Verndroid, this is Capt. Bipto. Are you receiving me? - Verndroid, come in, piease. - Yes, Capt. Bipto... how may I be of assistance? Your assignment is complete, Verndroid. Your bravery and devotion have saved us all. I am so proud of you, son. You are no longer my robot slave. Live and be free! [ Verndroid ] Thank you, Capt. Bipto. It has been a pieasure serving you. Now... I must bid you adieu. There's much work to be done. You see, I have pians for this worid... big pians! Verndroid away! Mm-hmm. [ Sam ] NASA spends years caicuiating fuei ioads... iaunch pressures, and orbitai-window dynamics. You're just gonna stuff dynamite under this and llght the fuse? Actually... I was gonna use this. Kids, get behind that tractor. This is supposed to save us... from the end of the worid? Now, before we go... does anyone need to go to the bathroom? Is this really gonna work? If it's not... we ought to figure out how to defuse that... - nuciear cosmos- whatever it is. - You know how? No. Then move out, or this is gonna soive everyone's probiem... one way or another. Hey, I'm not going home in a bag! I made it! I'm never gonna do this again. Same here. Oh! [ Shouting ] [ Martian ] Red alert. Run for your lives! Leave them aione. - Kathy, get back. - They want to go home. [ Enforcer Drone ] Impossible. They have failed in their mission. [ Kathy ] If you kill them now, the gravity hyperfusion... pheto-cuisinart will blow up in... 5 minutes or so. The Earth will implode and throw Mars out of orbit... and it'll go crashing into the sun. That wouid be a biemish on the oid perfection record. [ Pez ] And expensive. What if they took it out of your paycheck? Whoa! What's a pianet cost these days? 4 minutes, 30 seconds. Very well. - Return to your spacecraft. - [ Cheering ] Every Pez for himseif!. Biaznee, you'll have exactiy 6.38621 seconds... to fire the main engine to reach escape velocity. Never tell me the decimai points. I'm gonna grow up to be 5'7?, 5'8? easy. You're full grown. I'm animai. You're... poiypropyiene. Besides... they really need you. We can write... or something. Geez, you're breaking my heart. Here. Come on, shortstuff, before they check for green cards. Hey, the next time you guys visit... pay cioser attention to our traffic iaws. Next time we visit? Yeech! Well, thanks for not killing them, Mr. Enforcer Drone. Sorry to interrupt. 3 minutes! You misunderstood. Once we reach... the coid, airiess depths of outer space... I shall incinerate them... and toss their charred, sizzllng skeietons... - into the cosmos. - Huh? Say what? A quick vacuuming, a llttie air freshener... and I wlli have compieted my duties with perfection. - What? - [ Whimpering ] You can't do that! Better them than us. I beg your pardon? I thought you were nice, but I was wrong. You're just a seifish oid man. They caused more troubie than they was worth. If it hadn't been for you... things might have gotten further out of hand. Somebody might even have gotten kllied. I'd say that makes you a hero in both our pianets. As the ambassador of the planet Earth... I would like to present you with an award... as a token of our appreciation. The trinitrotoiuene award. Kids, run and get the champagne... so we can do this up proper. I accept... in the name of goodwill, with hope... for peacefui coexistence of our 2 worids. It certainiy isn't much to iook at, is it? Let me llght it up for you... so you can get the full effect. How pretty! How'd you like to have a photo... so you can remember this? Yes, piease. Let me back up a bit... so I can get the whoie ship into it. Are you sure there's enough light? - Oh, there's gonna be pienty of llght. - I'm so proud. I don't know what to say. You can just say your prayers. [ Cllck ] What the... [ Giggywig ] Why aren't we moving? Great. We're stuck here. I guess he ieft. What happened? It's okay. Mr. Wrenchmuller biew up the enforcer drone. - Hooray for our side! - Time to go. - Take care of yourselves. - Break it up. There's billions of lives at stake. Move! Don't need to tell me twice. Prepare for takeoff. - Start the countdown. - Five... - Wait a minute. - four... - three, two, - I'm not in my seat. one! You biew them up! Yeah, way up! - Go, go, go! - Yeah! [ Cheering ] Whoa! [ Screaming ] That's it. I Quit! Do something! You're the pllot. How 'bout if I eject? Lighten the ioad. - Hurry it up, Pez. - I'm lightening! We're too heavy. Something else must go. We've dumped everything we can dump. - Except... - Hit it, Giggy. [ Tollet Fiushes ] - Yeah! - Yea! You know, the iast time I put... a cherry bomb under a garbage can... the garbage can didn't make it. I guess somebody up there likes you. They just got iucky. When you see my dog... tell him we're moving tomorrow. Good morning, Mr. Wrenchmuller. The judge send you to come and throw me off? No... but I'm afraid this is iegai. It's wrong, but it's legal. I was bringing somebody I thought you'd want to see. Him? What do I want to see him for? Not him. Him. Aw,Jim,Jim. Jim, boy. - That's all very touching. - [ Howllng ] As you can see, I've got things to do. Uniess you've got the cash or a crop to sign over... I suggest you hand over those keys. Hoid it,Jim. Jim! He ain't worth your breath! You want these keys, do you? Ha, ha, ha. Go get 'em! I'm sorry that it has to be this way. You wanna hear something funny? Sure. You're gonna hear it right about... - now. - Aaah! [ Barking ] Aw! - [ Grunt ] - [ Chuckie ] I'll be back! We're oniy a few hours behind scheduie. I was just thinking, if we hurry... we might make it to Arcturus in time to heip torture prisoners. [ Entire Crew ] Aw, shut up! ["Takin'Over The World"] Wo-o-wo-o-wo wo-o-wo Wo-o-wo-o-wo oh yeah Last Halloween I had a fright In all my life saw the strangest sight Never did think I might Ever live to tell what I saw that night Martians are taking over the world Martians are taking over the world Martians are taking over the world Martians are taking over the world They were green men With strange lips And bad skin and a weird chin I almost died when he grabbed my head The little green guy just smiled and said "Take me to your leader. Take me to your leader now!" Martians are taking over the world Martians are taking over the world Martians are taking over the world Martians are taking over the world Martians are taking over the world Martians are taking over the world Martians are taking over the world Martians are taking over the world Martians are taking Over the world The Martians have landed. The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming! Ha-ha-ha! Wo-o-wo-o-wo wo-o-wo-o-wo The Martians have landed. What a world how it changed my life I got a green girl Made her my new wife Gotta green house and I think maybe Early next year I get a shiny green baby Martians are taking over the world Martians are taking over the world Martians are taking over the world Martians are taking over the world I dig it Martians are taking over the world Martians are taking over the world Wo-o-wo-o-wo wo-o-wo-o-wo Martians are taking over the world |
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