1
HUHH
HAHH
[MAN VOCALIZING
WITH RASPY GROWL]
[VOCALIZING ENDS]
[VOCALIZING RESUMES]
[VOCALIZING ENDS]
[TIRES SKID]
THERE YOU ARE.
[MAN AND WOMAN MOANING
WILDLY AND PASSIONATELY]
MELI--
Man: OH, GOD!
OH, GOD. COME ON.
MELINDA!
OPEN UP! IT'S ME!
[MOANING]
Man: HEY, ASSHOLE!
USE THE DOOR KNOCKER.
OH.
OH! OH, I LOVE YOU!
[MOANING AND SCREAMING]
MELINDA!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?!
OH, GOD!
DANNY, IT'S HIM!
HE FOLLOWED US HERE!
HEY, THERE IS
SOMEBODY ELSE IN THERE!
OPEN THIS DOOR!
[USING DOOR KNOCKER RAPIDLY]
MELINDA! I--
AAH!
HEY, HEY, HEY!
AAH!
CALL THE POLICE!
UNH!
HEY, ASSHOLE,
TRY THE DOORKNOB!
LET ME IN!
[CRASH, SHATTER]
GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER!
YOU.
WHAT? MELI--
JESUS CHR--
YOU'RE SCREWING
YOUR HUSBAND?!
YOUR HUSBAND.
HE FOLLOWED ME
HERE,
AND WE REALIZED
WE DESERVE
EACH OTHER.
ISN'T THAT ROMANTIC,
DR. KLINK?
ROGER.
CALL ME ROGER,
FOR CHRIST SAKES.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
TRY GOING HOME
AND WORKING IT OU WITH YOUR WIFE.
GO TO HELL,
ROGER.
EX-WIFE, EX-HOME, OK?
Melinda:
I UNDERSTAND NOW
THAT I WAS TRANSGRESSING
MY LOVE FOR DAN ONTO YOU,
AND YOU WERE
COUNTERTRANSGRESSING.
TRANSFERRING!
BULLSHIT!
YEAH, ANY TIME A SHRINK
IS THINKING ABOUT A PATIEN MORE THAN HE NORMALLY DOES,
HE SHOULD ASK HIMSELF,
"AM I COUNTERTRANSFERRING?"
SHUT UP. YOU CAN'T EVEN
GET AN ERECTION, FOR GOD S--
I JUST HAD ONE, BUDDY.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
HAIR! HAIR!
HE'S BITING!
Dan: I GOT HIM!
Melinda: DR. PAIGE,
THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
3 PEAS IN A POD.
EMILY, THEY WERE FORNICATING
LIKE A COUPLE OF HONEYMOONERS.
DR. PAIGE, MELINDA AND I
HAVE WORKED THROUGH
OUR PROBLEM.
SHUT UP. YOU--
AAH!
DR. PAIGE!
AAH!
IT'S ALL RIGHT!
IT'S OK! SORRY!
IT HAS A HAIR TRIGGER.
IT'S OK.
HEY, HEY, PUT THE
GUN DOWN, DR. PAIGE.
SHOOT THEM, EMILY.
THIS IS ALL
YOUR FAULT, ROGER!
EVERYTHING COULD'VE
BEEN SO DIFFERENT!
OH, SORRY. SORRY.
IT'S TOUCHY.
[DAN WAILS]
IT'S TOUCHY.
[WHIMPERS]
MELINDA,
COME BACK IN HERE!
[SLIDE WHISTLE]
EMILY, I UNDERSTAND
YOU'RE UPSET.
SOMETIMES YOU JUS HAVE TO LET IT OUT.
JUST TRY AND LET IT OUT.
SAVE YOUR
ENGAGING DEVICES, ROGER.
NO MORE BULLSHIT!
[SIREN]
NONE!
I'VE COME FOR US!
SORRY! SORRY.
OVER HERE!
OVER HERE!
HURRY! HURRY!
OVER HERE!
HURRY!
DR. PAIGE HAS A GUN.
WHO'S DR. PAIGE?
OUR MARRIAGE COUNSELOR.
SHE'S GONNA KILL
MY HUSBAND
AND DR. KLINK.
YOUR MARRIAGE COUNSELOR'S
GONNA KILL YOUR HUSBAND?
AND DR. KLINK.
DR. PAIGE, HI.
UH, I WANNA
THANK YOU
FOR GIVING MELINDA
AND I THE--
THE TOOLS TO HELP COMMUNICATE
AND SHARE OUR FEELINGS.
SHUT UP!
OK.
EMILY,
YOU'RE VERY UPSET.
SOMETIMES WE CAN FEEL
AS IF OUR LIVES
ARE JUST SPIRALING
OUT OF CONTROL,
JUST SPIRALING.
SAVE YOUR PSYCHOBABBLE
FOR YOUR LITTLE
DOE-EYED PATIENTS, ROGER.
OK.
OK, TERRIFIC.
YOU TWO OBVIOUSLY
HAVE SOME ISSUES
YOU NEED
TO WORK THROUGH.
[SIREN]
THANK GOD.
NO. NO. WAIT.
MOVE IT, KLINK.
OUT OF MY WAY!
MEL, IT'S ME! OPEN UP!
Dan: SOMEBODY HELP ME!
Melinda:
DON'T WORRY, DANNY!
WOW.
WHAT DO WE GOT, SIR?
HOSTAGE SITUATION.
2 THERAPISTS.
DOMESTIC
OR INTERNATIONAL?
THERAPISTS. SHRINKS.
SHRINKS?
IT'S A JOKE, RIGHT?
SOME KIND
OF SURPRISE PARTY?
IT'S NOT A GODDAMN PARTY.
IT'S VERY SERIOUS.
HER MARRIAGE COUNSELOR'S
THREATENING TO KILL
HER HUSBAND
AND HER THERAPIST.
HE'S NOT TECHNICALLY
MY THERAPIST.
HEY, YOU'RE THE LADY
FROM THOSE SEX TAPES.
SEX TAPES?
WHAT SEX TAPES?
HIS HANDS WERE
UNDER MY DRESS,
FIRMLY HOLDING ON TO MY HIPS,
MOVING ME BACK AND FORTH
AWAY FROM HIM.
OK, MAYBE I BETTER
START AT THE BEGINNING.
ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO,
DANNY LOST HIS ERECTION.
YOU GOTTA SEE
THESE TAPES, SIR.
PRETTY SOON,
DANNY AND ME
WEREN'T EVEN TALKING,
AND THEN
DANNY SLEPT WITH
THAT COCKTAIL WAITRESS.
I THOUGHT HE COULDN' GET AN ERECTION.
SO DID I.
RIGHT.
OUR MARRIAGE
WAS DOOMED.
THEN I SAW
DR. PAIGE'S AD
ON A BUS BENCH.
"SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE
TODAY."
[HARP GLISSANDO PLAYING]
"TOMORROW
WILL BE TOO LATE."
HER BIG DEAL
IS HONESTY.
HONESTY FIRST.
THE KEY IS HONESTY.
[SIGHS]
MARRIAGE IS HARD.
I KNOW. I'VE BEEN
MARRIED 3 TIMES.
YOU'RE DIVORCED?
3 TIMES. THAT'S WHY I
SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE--
WHAT KIND OF TRACK RECORD IS
THAT FOR A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR?
DAN!
DAN? WHAT, "DAN"?
COME ON. WE'RE TAKING
MARRIAGE ADVICE
FROM SOMEBODY
THAT'S BEEN DIVORCED
AND ADVERTISES
ON BUS BENCHES. WH-WHAT?
STAY WITH US, DAN.
YOU KNOW THE STORY
ABOUT THE GUY WHO GOES
TO THE BARBERSHOP.
THERE ARE 2 BARBERS,
BOTH AVAILABLE.
ONE BARBER HAS
A TERRIFIC HAIRCUT.
THE OTHER BARBER'S HAIR
LOOKS JUST AWFUL.
WHICH BARBER
WOULD YOU GO TO?
YOU'D GO TO THE BARBER
WITH THE BAD HAIRCUT,
NOT THE BARBER WITH
THE GOOD HAIRCUT, SEE?
THE BAD HAIRCUT CUTS
THE OTHER ONE'S HAIR,
AND VICE VERSA.
THAT IS WHY IT IS
ACTUALLY A PLUS
THAT I'M
THRICE DIVORCED.
OK.
LET'S START OVER.
WHAT DO YOU WAN OUT OF THIS THERAPY?
WE...
I WANNA SAVE
OUR MARRIAGE.
UH, YEAH. ME--
ME, TOO, YEAH.
GREAT.
NOW TALKING ABOU OUR PROBLEMS
IS THE FIRST STEP.
YOU CAN TELL ME
ANYTHING,
AND HOPEFULLY
YOU TWO CAN LEARN
TO COMMUNICATE HONESTLY
WITH EACH OTHER.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WELL, UH...
DANNY AND ME...
WE HAVEN'T BEEN...
FAMILIAR WITH EACH OTHER
IN A WHILE.
"FAMILIAR"?
INTIMATE.
NO SEXUAL INTERCOURSE?
JESUS, LADY.
WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX
OR MUTUAL MASTURBATION?
OH, MY GOD, MEL.
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
WE DON'T NEED TO SEE
SOME SHRINK.
NO. I THINK WE DO, DAN.
HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH--
DON'T. COME ON. WHY?
MR. HAPPY.
[GROANS]
"MR. HAPPY"?
[WHISPERING]
His penis.
MY--JUST SAY IT! PENIS!
I CAN'T GET MY PENIS
TO STAND UP.
I-I-I'M IMPOTEN OR SOMETHING.
I CAN'T WAKE THE BABY.
I-I'VE--
I CAN'T GET A HARD-ON!
IS EVERYBODY HAPPY NOW?!
CAN WE GO?
DAN IS IMPOTENT.
ONLY WITH ME.
THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
DAN ACCIDENTALLY SCREWED
THAT COCKTAIL WAITRESS!
I THOUGHT DAN COULDN' GET AN ERECTION.
SO DID I.
WELL, MELINDA'S BEEN
SO DAMN DEPRESSED
LATELY, YOU KNOW?
IT'S PRETTY DEPRESSING
WHEN YOU CAN'T EXCITE
YOUR OWN HUSBAND.
[TIMER DINGS]
GREAT. WE HAVE MADE
SOME REAL PROGRESS.
ALL THOSE IN FAVOR,
RAISE YOUR HANDS.
DR. PAIGE.
[BANGS GAVEL]
YOU MAY REJOIN
THE GROUP.
[SCATTERED MUTTERING]
DR. PAIGE, IT IS THE DUTY
OF THIS COMMITTEE
TO DEFEND THE INTEGRITY
OF THE PSYCHIATRIC ARTS
IN THE BOISE, NAMPA,
CALDWELL TRI-CITY AREA.
DR. PAIGE...
I--
IF WE ALLOW BUS BENCH
ADVERTISING, WHAT'S NEXT?
BILLBOARDS?
CABLE TV?
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
FOLLOWING OUR BYLAWS
PERTAINING
TO OUTDOOR ADVERTISING,
THE FINE IS SET AT $250.
[BANGS GAVEL]
ROGER!
HUH? OH.
HELLO, EMILY.
SORRY ABOUT THE FINE.
AH, IT'S ONLY 250 BUCKS.
I'LL WRITE IT OFF.
OH.
BESIDES, I ALREADY GO A COUPLE OF CLIENTS
FROM THE BUS BUNCH.
IT'S FUNNY.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU
THE OTHER DAY.
ME? REALLY?
ARE YOU SEEING
ANYONE NEW?
OH, I'M S-STILL MARRIED.
I--I MEANT PATIENTS.
TH-THERE'S A WOMAN
I'D LIKE YOU TO SEE.
SHE'S VERY,
VERY DEPRESSED.
I THINK HER DEPRESSION
IS AT THE ROO OF HER SEXUAL PROBLEMS
WITH HER HUSBAND.
YOU COULD
REALLY HELP HER.
I'VE BEEN SCALING BACK.
I'M NOT REALLY ADDING PATIENTS.
WELL, WE TALKED ABOU HOW GREAT IT WOULD BE
TO COLLABORATE SOMETIME,
AND THIS COUPLE'S
PERFECT.
UH, MARRIAGE
IS ON THE ROCKS.
I'LL TAKE THE BOY.
YOU TAKE THE GIRL.
WE CAN CONFER
AND STRATEGIZE,
SEE IF TOGETHER WE CAN
HELP SAVE THEIR MARRIAGE.
HOW'S YOUR WIFE?
OK.
AND YOUR HUSBAND?
UH, TH-THE NEW ONE.
HE'S MY NEW EX.
I MOVED OU LAST WEEKEND.
REALLY? JUST...
LIKE THAT.
JUST LIKE THAT.
IT'S FOR THE BEST.
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?
THERE'S NOTHING ELSE
TO SAY.
DAN'S GONE OFF ME.
[SIGHS] THIS IS
A WASTE OF TIME.
OK, I FEEL LIKE WE'RE STUCK.
MELINDA, I WANT YOU
TO SEE A COLLEAGUE OF MINE.
YOU'RE
GIVING UP ON ME?
I WANT YOU TO SEE DR. KLINK.
HE'S SOMETHING
OF A DEPRESSION EXPER FROM THE OLD SCHOOL.
WHAT'S
A DEPRESSION EXPERT?
[LAWNMOWER
STARTS]
WHAT A CLICH.
FIRST THE AFFAIR
IN DENVER.
THEN THE RED CORVETTE.
WHAT'S NEXT,
FACE-LIFTS AND LIPOSUCTION?
"DESIRE FADES."
PSSH. THAT'S A...
WHO IS SHE? HMM?
HMM?
IS IT YOUR NEW RECEPTIONIST?
YOU THINK
I NEED LIPOSUCTION?
YOU'RE NOT REHASHING
DENVER, ARE YOU?
ARE YOU?
ARE YOU SCREWING
DR. RICE AGAIN?!
NO! THERE'S NO ONE!
THERE W--
[SIGHS]
WE'RE NOT HAPPY.
GO TO HELL, ROGER.
ASSHOLE.
DOOR, PLEASE.
[RATTLING]
UNSAFE AT ANY SPEED.
OH, THE ELEVATOR?
NO, YOUR CORVETTE.
"UNSAFE AT ANY SPEED."
THAT'S A CORVAIR,
"UNSAFE AT ANY SPEED."
IT LOOKS
JUST LIKE A CORVETTE.
[METAL GROANS,
RATTLING INCREASES]
FUNKY ELEVATOR.
I TRY NOT TO SPEAK ILL OF IT.
I GOT STUCK ONCE.
BY YOURSELF?
YEAH.
HOW BORING.
HEH.
IS THAT WHY YOU CARRY
A CHANGE OF CLOTHES?
OH, THIS. NO.
I LEFT MY WIFE JUST NOW,
THIS MORNING.
[LAUGHING]
YOU'RE KIDDING.
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
[METAL GROANS, RATTLING]
[DING]
IS THIS YOUR FLOOR?
YES.
I'M HERE TO SEE
DR. KLICK.
HE'S AN OLD-FASHIONED
DEPRESSION EXPERT.
YOU MEAN DR. KLINK?
YES.
I'M DR. KLINK.
YOU'RE DR. KLINK? HEH.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
I PICTURED A BALD HEAD,
LONG FACE, POINTY BEARD.
WHO CALLED ME
OLD-FASHIONED?
DR. PAIGE.
Y-YOU MEAN EMILY?
WELL, ANYWAY,
I'LL SEE YOU INSIDE.
INSIDE AND OUT,
I SUPPOSE.
ON THE INS--
INS--IN--IN MY OFFICE.
THIS IS MY DOOR.
OH.
PATIENTS GO IN
THAT DOOR OVER THERE.
WAIT.
YOUR TIE'S CROOKED.
I GUESS YOUR WIFE
DIDN'T CHECK YOU
BEFORE YOU LEF THE HOUSE.
JUST GO RIGHT IN.
[SIGHS]
TUESDAY, JUNE 16--
[RECORDER]
TESTING 1, 2. 1, 2.
TEST--
GODDAMN.
[INTERCOM BEEPS] DR. KLINK.
YES?
YOUR 9:45 IS HERE.
O--YES. YES.
[RECORDER]
TEST 1, 2. 1, 2.
TEST 1, 2, 3.
[WHISPERS]
Shit.
[RECORDER BEEPS]
SORRY.
TEST 1, 2, 1, 2.
TEST--
COME IN.
IT'S VERY COLD IN HERE.
WELL, YOU'LL NEED TO...
REMEMBER A SWEATER.
NO, NO. I MEANT THE DECOR.
IT'S--IT'S SO BLUE.
ALRIGHTY.
MRS. CARMICHAEL,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT HERE.
IS THAT WHERE YOU
WANT ME TO SIT?
I DON'T WANT YOU TO
SIT ANYWHERE. I MEAN...
I SEE.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THAT FRIENDLY MAN
I MET ON THE ELEVATOR?
LOOK, UH, WE HAD
AN INAPPROPRIATE DEBUT,
BUT I--
IS THAT WHAT WE HAD?
YES, WE--PLEASE.
SO, UM...
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
I'M TRYING TO SAVE
MY MARRIAGE.
AH.
I'VE BEEN
SO DEPRESSED LATELY.
I KEEP THINKING
IT'LL PASS,
BUT IT DOESN'T.
YOU'RE A LITTLE HANGDOG
ONE MORNING.
THEN SUDDENLY YOU'RE
ON A SHRINK'S LAP.
CHAIR. HEH.
[SNICKERS]
HEH HEH HEH.
WELL, YOU DON'T...
SEEM VERY DEPRESSED
RIGHT THIS MOMENT.
I'M NOT.
I WAS.
I ALMOST DIDN'T GE OFF THE ELEVATOR.
IT'S PRETTY
DEPRESSING TO THINK
YOU NEED TO SEE
A DEPRESSION EXPERT.
MY MARRIAGE EXPERT'S
BEEN DIVORCED 3 TIMES.
YOU MUST BE
REALLY DEPRESSED.
LET'S...
UM, SO, W-WHY DON'T YOU, UM,
TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOU?
I'M MARRIED TO A MAN WHO
DOESN'T GET TURNED ON BY ME.
AH.
DO YOU BLAME ME?
WHY WOULD I BLAME YOU?
NOT ME. UH, HIM.
I--I DI--I--I ASKED
IF YOU BLAMED YOUR HUSBAND.
NO, YOU SAID, "ME."
"DO YOU BLAME ME?"
NO, I DI--I--I MEANT...
YOUR HUSBAND, OF COURSE.
OF COURSE.
DAN STARTED SLEEPING
IN THE LIVING ROOM
ON THE COUCH
THAT'S THE BEGINNING
OF THE END,
DON'T YOU THINK?
[DOG BARKING]
IT CERTAINLY SUGGESTS
A LACK OF INTIMACY.
WE STOPPED BEING INTIMATE
ALMOST 2 YEARS AGO.
I SHOULDN' TELL YOU THIS.
NO, NO.
YOU JUST--NO, NO.
DR. KLINK.
NO, NO, NO. I'M S--
PLEASE, SIT DOWN.
I...
YOU CAN TELL ME
ANYTHING THAT...
REALLY. IT'S...
[BLOWS NOSE]
ONE NIGHT, I GET UP
TO USE THE BATHROOM,
AND I LOOKED IN ON DAN.
HE SLEEPS IN HIS BOXERS,
AND IT WAS A HOT NIGHT,
AND THE COVERS
WERE OFF,
AND SO I COULD
SEE HIS...
MR. HAPPY.
MR. HAPPY?
HIS THINGY.
HIS PE--
UH, MEMBER.
PEEKING OUT.
SO I DECIDED TO TRY
A LITTLE EXPERIMEN TO SEE IF DAN
WAS BROKEN
OR IF HE'D
JUST GONE OFF ME.
AN EXPERIMENT?
[SNORING]
I SNUCK UP...
ON MY KNEES,
AND WITH MY MOUTH, I...
KISSED...
MR. HAPPY.
OHH.
[GASPS]
BUT WHEN I TRIED
TO MAKE LOVE,
HE--HIS...
IT FIZZLED AWAY
WHEN HE WOKE UP AND
REALIZED IT WAS ME.
DAN'S GONE OFF ME.
DESIRE FADES.
THAT--THAT IS
A DEPRESSING THOUGHT.
YES. IT I--
I--
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
I'M IN A TRANSITIONAL
PHASE IN MY LIFE,
AND I...
I'M NOT TAKING--
TAKING ON
ANY MORE PATIENTS.
BUT SEE,
YOU HELPED ME ALREADY.
REALLY, I CAN'T.
IF THERE WERE 2 SHRINKS
IN A SMALL TOWN
AND ONE WAS CRAZY
AND THE OTHER SANE,
WHICH ONE WOULD YOU GO TO SEE,
THE CRAZY ONE OR THE SANE ONE?
I'VE NEVER HEARD OF
THIS ONE BEFORE.
YOU'D GO TO THE CRAZY ONE.
'CAUSE IF THERE WERE
ONLY TWO IN THE TOWN,
YOU'D WANNA SEE THE ONE
WHO HELPED THE OTHER ONE.
O--YOU MEAN IF THERE
WERE JUST THE TWO
AND THEY WERE EACH--
I SEE.
[INTERCOM BEEPS]
DR. KLINK,
YOUR 10:30'S HERE.
YOU HEAR THAT?
DO YOU HEAR THAT?
I MEAN, I...
WOULD LOVE
TO JUST SIT--
JUST TO S-SIT HERE
AND TALK WITH YOU...
ALL AFTERNOON.
[SIGHS]
BUT IF I RUN EVEN 5 MINUTES
OVER ON ONE SESSION,
MY WHOLE WEEK
COULD BE THROWN OFF.
HELL,
THE REST OF MY LIFE.
YOU KNOW...
I'D GLADLY RECOMMEND
TO YOU SOMEONE ELSE.
UM, THIS IS A LIS OF QUALIFIED
MENTAL HEALTH
PROFESSIONALS IN BOISE.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
MELI--
DR. KLINK,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M CHASING AFTER YOU.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR 10:30?
NO, JUST--
I JUST, UH...
WELL, I...
I LEFT MY WIFE,
AND...
SINCE YOU'RE NO MY--MY PATIEN AND SINCE THIS...
WELL, SINCE THIS
ISN'T MY OFFICE,
I...
[ALARM BELL RINGING]
IT'S STUCK AGAIN.
MMM. DR. KLINK--
NO. ROGER.
THAT WAS
SO THERAPEUTIC.
LISTEN, WE--YOU SHOULDN' CALL ME DR. KLINK.
IT MIGHT GIVE PEOPLE
THE WRONG IMPRESSION.
I--MMM.
BUT I--I FEEL
SO FREE AND OPEN.
I WISH DAN
HAD COME WITH ME.
I MEAN, MAYBE HE COULD
BENEFIT FROM YOUR EXPERTISE.
I DON'T FEEL
DEPRESSED AT ALL!
[POUNDING]
HELLO!
SHH. DON'T TALK.
Dispatch:
BREAKER 1-12...
UH...
ARE YOU FOLKS OK?
YOU SEEM FLUSHED
AND OUT OF BREATH.
NO.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK,
DR. KLINK.
UH, ROGER.
I-I'M NOT ACTUALLY
HER DOCTOR. IT'S A...
A FIGURE OF SPEECH.
Melinda: HE'S A GENIUS.
HIS METHOD IS SO SUBTLE.
IT SNEAKED RIGHT UP ON ME.
WHAT DID HE DO,
EXACTLY?
HE GOT ME TO TALK.
SORT OF.
HOW MANY SESSIONS
HAVE YOU HAD?
JUST THE ONE.
WHAT A MAN.
[GIGGLES]
HE IS A GENIUS.
Dan: HEY, UH, HI.
WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?
AM I A PART OF THIS
THERAPY STUFF, OR WHAT?
"MAS--MASTERING MASTURBATION"?
OH, IT'S
A WONDERFUL GUIDE--
TECHNIQUES,
FANTASY GAMES,
LUBRICANTS, ALL IN
HISTORICAL CONTEXT.
DID YOU KNOW THAT EDISON
WAS AN AVID MASTURBATOR?
IT'S WHERE HE GO HIS BEST IDEAS.
NO, E-EDISON STOLE
HIS BEST IDEAS.
WHATEVER.
MAYBE IT WAS EINSTEIN.
HEH HEH.
YOU LOOK FABULOUS.
[BEEP]
POSSIBLE DISSERTATION SUBJECT--
ORGASMS AND HAPPINESS.
WHY IS IT ALL THE WORLD
SEEMS ROSY--
[INTERCOM BEEPS]
IT'S DR. PAIGE,
REGARDING MELINDA.
[BEEP]
I'LL CALL HER BACK.
SHE'S ON HER WAY IN.
YOU SON OF A BITCH.
I CANNOT BELIEVE
WHAT YOU DID WITH
MELINDA CARMICHAEL.
SHE TOLD YOU?
TOLD ME?!
IT'S ALL OVER HER FACE.
I NEVER TOOK ANY MONEY,
AND ALL I DID
WAS A PRELIMINARY INTERVIEW,
SO TECHNICALLY SHE--
IT'S ABSOLUTELY
WONDERFUL.
REALLY?
NOW THE BIG CHALLENGE
IS TO SOMEHOW
GET THESE 2 PEOPLE
TO RECONNEC EMOTIONALLY
AND SEXUALLY.
CAN I BUY YOU LUNCH?
TODAY? UH...
WELL, I'M SEEING
MRS. CARMICHAEL.
DURING LUNCHTIME.
OHH! OH, DR. KLINK,
ROGER. ROGER.
CALL ME ROGER.
OHH. OHH!
OH! OH, DR. KLINK!
OHH! LOOK!
OHH! A HELICOPTER.
[BOTH MOANING]
WOW.
MAYBE IT WAS
A TRANSPLANT.
WHAT?
THE HELICOPTER...
WAS CARRYING A LITTLE
WHITE ICE CHES WITH A RED CROSS ON IT.
IMAGINE WAKING UP
WITH A WHOLE NEW HEART,
DR. KLINK.
PLEASE, CALL ME ROGER.
OHH. DANNY AND ME
USED TO HAVE
SO MUCH IN COMMON.
EVERYTHING
WE DID TOGETHER
WAS MAKING LOVE,
NOT JUST SEX,
BUT COOKING
TOGETHER.
AND THEN WE TOOK A TRIP
TO SALT LAKE CITY,
AND HE WAS LIKE
MY--MY BIG BROTHER
AND MY FRIEND AND...
I...
LOVER ALL ROLLED INTO...
I DON'T--OK.
WE HAVE TO TALK.
I JUST--I'VE GOTTA LISTEN
TO PATIENTS ALL AFTERNOON.
I'M JUST TRYING
TO TELL YOU...
I--
THAT I FELT SO GOOD
SINCE
LAST WEEK'S SESSION
THAT I TOLD DANNY
ABOUT US.
YOU WHAT?
YES.
YOU--YOU TOLD YOUR HUSBAND
ABOUT US?!
OHH! OH, MY GOD!
IT WAS AMAZING
AND SPONTANEOUS,
LIKE WE USED TO BE.
WHAT THE HELL DID I DO
TO DESERVE THIS?!
YOU SCREWED
THAT COCKTAIL WAITRESS.
BUT IT WASN' SPONTANEOUS OR AMAZING!
AAH!
YOU SHOULDN' HAVE TOLD HIM.
BUT YOU--YOU TALKED
ABOUT HONESTY.
NO. NO, NO, NO. DR. PAIGE
TALKS ABOUT HONESTY.
I'M STILL ON THE FENCE.
SOME LYING IS GOOD.
YOU DIDN'T GIVE HIM
THE DETAILS.
WOW. ELEVATOR SEX.
DAMN. I'VE ALWAYS
ADMIRED MELINDA'S SPUNK.
LARRY!
NOW YOU'RE EVEN, BRO.
[GASPS]
HOW DID HE TAKE IT?
HE FOLLOWED ME HERE.
HE WHAT?
SHH, SHH. SHH, SHH.
I DON'T NOTICE--
IS--AHH?
OH, G--JE--[SPUTTERS]
MELINDA, I--
IT'S OVER, YOU AND ME.
IT'S...
DAN NEEDS YOU.
HE LOVES YOU.
HE FOLLOWED YOU HERE.
ISN'T THAT ROMANTIC?
LISTEN...
TAKE WHAT YOU'VE GOTTEN
OUT OF OUR TIME TOGETHER.
FOCUS IT BACK ON DAN.
ARE YOU SAYING THA AS MY LOVER
OR MY THERAPIST?
THERAPIST.
I MEAN, IF I WAS YOUR THERAPIST,
WHICH I'M NOT, BUT...
YOU KNOW, WE HAVE
NOTHING IN COMMON.
THIS ISN' A RELATIONSHIP
BASED ON MUTUAL RESPEC OR UNDERSTANDING
OR COMMON INTERESTS.
IT'S BASED ON SEX.
THAT'S ALL. AHH.
TAKE IT.
UHH.
OH, MY GOD. WE COME
FROM DIFFERENT WORLDS.
I'VE GOT A PhD,
FOR GOD SAKES.
YOU PROBABLY BARELY
GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
I HAVE AN A.A.
FROM BOISE
COMMUNITY COLLEGE
AND A--
AND A CERTIFICATE
OF PHYSICAL THERAPY!
EXACTLY. THE TWO OF YOU
ARE MORE SUITED.
YOU'RE P-PERFEC FOR ONE ANOTH--
GO HOME TO WHAT'S HIS--DAN.
MMM!
[GRUNTS]
DIVORCED?
BUT YOU TWO WERE
DOING MUCH BETTER.
I WISH YOU'D NEVER SENT ME
TO SEE DR. KLINK.
MMM. THERAPY CAN
BE VERY INTENSE.
ESPECIALLY ORAL THERAPY.
DAN, DON'T BE CRASS.
CRASS?
IT'S PRETTY DAMN CRASS
WITHOUT ME SAYING
ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
YOU HAD--THEY HAD SEX
IN AN ELEVATOR.
WHAT? WHO DID?
DR. KLINK AND ME.
YOU SLEPT WITH DR. KLINK
IN AN ELEVATOR?
OH, YEAH, THEY SLEPT.
LIKE A COUPLE OF DOGS
IN HEAT, THEY SLEPT.
YOU'RE DISGUSTING!
AT LEAST I DIDN'T HAVE TO
BEND OVER BACKWARDS
TO GET HIM AROUSED.
OH, I THOUGHT THAT'S
EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID DO
BASTARD!
I WANTED THIS TO WORK OUT.
WAS THE ELEVATOR
YOUR IDEA OR HIS?
Dan: DOES IT MATTER?
HEH.
YOU SON OF A BITCH!
IN THE ELEVATOR.
IN THE ELEVATOR.
EMILY, IT JUST HAPPENED.
SHE WASN'T TECHNICALLY
MY PATIENT.
OH, SAVE I FOR THE BOARD!
YOU DIDN' TELL THE BOARD.
OF COURSE
I TOLD THE BOARD.
THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!
[SLAMS GAVEL] KINDLY
KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.
THE AMOUNT IS REGULATED
BY THE BYLAWS.
SPECIFICALLY NUMBER 47
CALLS FOR FINES OF UP TO $25
FOR INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR.
INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR?!
HE WAS HAVING SEX
WITH HIS PATIEN IN AN ELEVATOR.
AH. SHE WASN' TECHNICALLY HIS PATIENT.
THE MINUTE SHE WALKED
INTO HIS OFFICE,
SHE WAS HIS PATIENT.
NO, NO.
TECHNICALLY SHE WAS
YOUR PATIENT,
DR. PAIGE.
MY PATIENT?!
I THINK
THE FINE IS FAIR.
I WAS FINED 250 BUCKS
FOR ADVERTISING
ON A BUS BENCH.
HE'S FINED $25 FOR
SCREWING IN AN ELEVATOR.
BYLINE 17
IS VERY SPECIFIC
WITH REGARDS TO
PERMISSIBLE
OUTDOOR ADVERTISING.
A HOOKER COSTS
MORE THAN THAT.
DR. PAIGE,
THAT'S ENOUGH.
IT IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.
WHO SHOULD I MAKE
THE CHECK OUT TO?
YOU HURT ME, ROGER.
ALL YOU HAD TO DO
WAS CALL ME.
WHY DIDN'T YOU
JUST CALL ME?
I'M SORRY, EMILY.
YOU WILL BE.
HEH.
I REALLY AM SORRY,
EMILY.
LET BYGONES
BE BYGONES?
LISTEN, BUSTER.
YOU'RE NOT OFF THE HOOK.
YOU'RE GOING DOWN.
YOU WILL LOSE EVERYTHING--
MONEY, YOUR LICENSE.
BY THE TIME THIS IS OVER,
YOU WILL NEVER PRACTICE AGAIN.
WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO?
NOSTA.
NOSTA.
WHAT THE HECK
IS A NOSTA?
N.O.S.T.A.
THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION
TO STOP THERAPIST ABUSE.
NATIONAL? I DON'T KNOW
IF THIS IS
THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
I REALLY
JUST WANT DANNY BACK.
WE NEED TO TEACH
DR. KLINK A LESSON.
DANNY.
HI, MEL.
[SPRAYS]
OK, LET ME DO
ALL THE TALKING.
WAIT, WHAT LAW SCHOOL WAS I YOU SAID YOU WENT TO?
CAREFUL, TOOTS.
YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO SEN MY VULNERABLE
SISTER-IN-LAW
INTO THE ARMS OF
THAT DR. KRINK.
IT'S KLINK, LARRY,
AND SHUT UP!
YOU SHOULD HAVE
TALKED TO ME
BEFORE YOU
CALLED ANYONE.
WE'RE GONNA NAIL
THAT SON OF A BITCH.
THERE SHE IS.
CONSUELA ANN BARKER,
ESQUIRE,
OF BARKER, BARKER,
BEACONS & BAUER,
WHO REPRESENT NOSTA.
I'M THE SECOND BARKER.
YOU CAN CALL ME CONNIE.
YOU MUST BE THE VICTIM.
LAWRENCE P. CARMICHAEL,
ESQUIRE, A.B.D.
I'LL BE HANDLING
ALL NEGOTIATIONS.
WE'LL HEAR
YOUR PROPOSAL.
LET ME REMIND YOU
YOU ARE
THE VERY FIRST NATIONAL
ABUSE GROUP WE'VE CONTACTED,
SO WE'RE LOOKING FOR
A COMPETITIVE PREEMPTIVE FIGURE
WHICH WILL ACT AS A DETERREN TO OTHER ADVOCACY GROUPS
WHICH WE MAY BE
INCLINED TO GO.
TO.
A.B.D.?
ALL BUT DEGREE.
MY CLIENT--
TAKE A POWDER, LAWRENCE.
THIS IS
A SERIOUS SITUATION.
YOU ARE WAY
OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.
[BLOWS]
TAKE YOUR PET MONKEY
WITH YOU.
JUST A SECOND.
THAT'S MY HUSBAND.
I NEED TO SPEAK
TO YOU PRIVATELY,
WITHOU THE PEANUT GALLERY.
Connie: IT'S PRECISELY
THESE GRAY-ZONE CASES
THAT WE MUST WIN.
WE NEED TO SEND
A MESSAGE,
A STRONG MESSAGE.
WE'LL HAVE TO PROVE
THE DOCTOR
TOOK ADVANTAGE
OF YOUR FRAGILE EGO
AND LURED YOU INTO
PSYCHOSEXUAL
EMOTIONAL BONDAGE.
PSYCHO WHAT?
HE IS A MASTER
MANIPULATOR.
IT IS THAT QUIET,
LOST PUPPY QUALITY.
I FELT AN ATTRACTION
FOR DR. KLINK.
TRANSFERENCE REFERS
TO STRONG FEELINGS
THAT THE PATIENT--
YOU--
ERRONEOUSLY TRANSFERS
TO A THERAPIST--
DR. KLINK--BUT WHICH
IN FACT ORIGINATED
OUT OF EARLIER
RELATIONSHIPS.
YOU MEAN LIKE WITH
MY HUSBAND, MAYBE?
[BANGING, GRUNTING]
PERHAPS AN EVEN EARLIER
RELATIONSHIP.
AHH. HOT.
MELINDA,
WHERE DID THIS
IMMORAL CONGRESS
TRANSPIRE?
IMMORAL CONGRESS?
IN A GODDAMN ELEVATOR.
ELEVATOR SEX. WHEW.
AND IN HIS OFFICE.
ON HIS COUCH?
AND ON THE DESK.
MMM.
AND WHY DID YOU GO
TO DR. KLINK
IN THE FIRST PLACE?
DR. PAIGE
SENT ME TO HIM.
SHE SAID HE WOULD TAKE CARE
OF ME THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.
HE'S--HE'S A SPECIALIST,
A DEPRESSION EXPERT.
WE MET AT A COMMUNICATION
CONFERENCE, AND--
WE'LL GET IT ALL
IN THE DEPOSITION.
MY DEPOSITION?
YOU'RE A KEY WITNESS.
OK, LET'S, UH, SKIP
THE ELEVATOR FOR NOW.
TAKE ME THROUGH
THIS COUCH COUPLING.
WELL, IT'S--IT'S
A LITTLE EMBARRASSING.
UM, WE STARTED
ON THE DESK.
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD
THE NAME EZRI STOVALL?
HE IS THE MALPRACTICE
INSURANCE GO-TO GUY
IN THIS REGION.
HE RARELY LOSES,
NEVER SETTLES.
HE WILL BE RUTHLESS.
NOW, I KNOW THIS
IS DIFFICULT,
BUT IT'S IMPORTAN THAT YOU RECALL
THE EXACT DETAILS
AND SPECIFIC
SEQUENCE OF EVENTS.
[SIGHS] WELL, UM,
IT'S A LITTLE HAZY,
BUT I KNOW HE,
DR. KLINK,
WENT DOWN ON ME.
CUNNILINGUS.
YOU OK?
WHAT ELSE
DID HE DO?
I WENT DOWN ON HIM.
FELLATIO!
YOU KNOW,
I DON'T THINK
WE WANNA PLAY
THIS ORAL SEX CARD.
IT'S ILLEGAL
IN THIS STATE.
IT IS?
IT'S SODOMY.
ORAL SEX IS SODOMY?
"TO CARNALLY KNOW ANY
MALE OR FEMALE PERSON
BY THE ANUS OR MOUTH."
IT'S A CLASS-A
MISDEMEANOR.
I DON'T WANNA
HURT DR. KLINK.
I JUST WANTED
TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE.
BEING WITH DR. KLINK
MADE ME REALIZE
HOW MUCH DANNY AND ME
HAVE IN COMMON.
WE WILL CRUSH
DR. KLINK.
LOOK AT YOU.
MY GOD, JUST LOOK AT YOU.
DR. PAIGE IS RIGHT.
YOU POOR,
PATHETIC WOMAN.
HE'S DESTROYED YOU.
[CLINK]
NICE SHOT.
HEY. HI.
MIND IF I SIT?
IT'S A FREE BAR.
HEH HEH.
THAT LADY LAWYER
THINKS A DIVORCE
WOULD BE GREA FOR OUR CASE.
I DON'T WAN A DIVORCE, MEL.
NO?
NO.
I--I JUST WANT YOU
TO STOP SEEING HIM.
I'M NOT SEEING HIM.
SO YOU DON'T WAN TO SPLIT UP?
NO. NO, NOT AT ALL.
WE CAN'T SPLIT UP, MEL.
YOU AND I, WE'RE LIKE--
WE'RE LIKE A TEAM.
SIEGFRIED & ROY,
HALL & OATES, HAM AND CHEESE.
I'M SORRY I STRAYED,
BUT YOU KIND OF
OPENED THE DOOR.
I WANTED TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT THAT.
THE TRUTH IS, MEL, I--
SHH. LET'S NO TALK ABOUT IT.
WATER DOWN THE DRAIN, DAN.
WATER DOWN THE DRAIN.
[NOT READING ALOUD]
[CLICKS PEN]
HEY, HOW'S THA DIVORCE COMING?
UH, PLEASE, COUNSEL,
LET'S NOT LOSE SIGH OF THE HUMAN ELEMEN IN THIS TRAGEDY.
YOU KNOW, A DIVORCE
WOULD REALLY HELP OUR CASE.
[WHISPERING]
I'm working on it.
THIS IS JOEL JOHNSON JR.
HE'S WITH BEERQUIST,
ANGSTHALL & COX.
JOEL IS OUR POINT MAN
HERE IN...
BOISE.
BOISE.
BOISE.
JOEL'S COME UP
WITH A FIGURE.
HOW MUCH MONEY WERE
YOU HOPING TO SEE?
$30,000.
HEH.
MILLION.
IT'S
$30 MILLION.
$30 MILLION?
$30 MILLION?
YOU'VE HIT THE JACKPOT,
MELINDA.
WHOO-HOO! YEAH.
DR. KLINK DOESN' HAVE $30 MILLION.
NO, DR. KLINK HAS
MALPRACTICE INSURANCE,
AND THEY'VE GO $30 MILLION.
Emily: DEAR GOD.
I HAD NO IDEA
IT WOULD BE SO MUCH.
THERE'S NOT A BETTER PERSON
SHE COULD HAVE SCREWED.
EXCEPT HER PRIEST.
CATHOLICS PAY
A SHITLOAD OF MONEY
TO KEEP THIS KIND
OF CRAP DOWN.
I'M GONNA GE $30 MILLION
FOR HAVING SEX
WITH DR. KLINK?
IN AN ELEVATOR.
AND ON HIS DESK.
$30 MILLION.
MINUS 30% CONTINGENCY,
50% IF WE WIN ON APPEAL.
HOW MUCH MORE
DO YOU THINK
A DIVORCE
MIGHT NET?
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[CAR ENGINE REVVING]
WHY THE HELL
ARE YOU SUING ME?
UM...
BECAUSE...
YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE
OF MY FRAGILE EGO
AND GOT ME IN
A PSYCHOEMOTIONAL,
SEXUAL THING.
WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE A WALK, KLINK,
BEFORE I CALL THE COPS.
OH, IF IT ISN' THE ERECTIONLESS WONDER,
MR. HAPPY!
YOU TOLD HIM
ABOUT MR. HAPPY?
DR. KLINK, I TOLD
YOU THAT IN THERAPY.
FIRST OF ALL, IT'S ROGER.
SECONDLY, IT WASN'T THERAPY.
YOU WERE NEVER MY PATIENT.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL I TO THE JUDGE, MR. MAJESTIC?
YOU TOLD HIM
ABOUT MR. MAJESTIC?
DAN IS MY HUSBAND.
I TELL HIM
EVERYTHING.
ARE YOU SCREWING YET?
THERE'S MORE TO OUR
RELATIONSHIP THAN SEX.
THERE BETTER BE
WITH MR. LIMPY HERE.
YOU SON OF A...
UNH!
DANNY!
WHOA, WHOA. HEY, HEY.
COME ON.
COME ON.
I HOPE YOU FIGH BETTER THAN--
AAH!
AAH!
LET GO!
NO.
COME ON, HONEY.
COME ON.
WHY'D YOU HAVE TO
TELL HIM ABOUT MR. HAPPY?
IT'S OK.
HE'S A DOCTOR.
DON'T SUE ME, MELINDA.
I'LL LOSE MY LICENSE.
IT'S ALL I HAVE.
I'M SORRY.
GOOD-BYE, DR. KLINK.
COME ON.
ROGER.
CALL ME ROGER.
[OPERA PLAYING]
EZRI STOVALL WILL
CRUSH HER LIKE A BUG.
WE'VE GOTTA NIP
THIS KIND
OF FRIVOLOUS LITIGATION
IN THE BUD.
PEOPLE HAVE TO STAR TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
FOR THEIR ACTIONS.
WHY'D YOU STOP
SLEEPING TOGETHER?
MAKES IT SEEM LIKE
YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE
DOING SOMETHING WRONG.
IT WAS AN ABSOLUTE TABOO.
A THERAPIST CAN NEVER
HAVE SEX WITH A PATIENT.
THE MOMEN YOU TWO SCREWED,
SHE BECAME YOUR LOVER,
THEREBY MAKING I IMPOSSIBLE
FOR HER TO EVER
BE YOUR PATIENT.
WHERE'D YOU BONE HER?
WE MADE LOVE
IN AN ELEVATOR.
ELEVATOR SEX.
I--PSSH.
YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
I'M IN ELEVATORS
ALL THE TIME.
I KNOW. I'M SORRY.
HOW LONG WOULD SOMETHING
LIKE THAT TAKE?
IT WAS OVER
PRETTY QUICKLY.
MECHANICAL FAILURE?
OH, NO. SHE HIT THE STOP.
OR, UH, M-MAYBE I DID.
IS THIS REALLY IMPORTANT?
EVERY DETAIL
IS IMPORTANT.
YOU NEED BOOZE?
JURIES ARE FICKLE.
SOMETHING COULD
COME OUT AT THE TRIAL,
AND YOU'LL BE SCREWED.
ANY WITNESSES?
OTHER PASSENGERS?
NO, OF C--
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
HOW ABOU A SURVEILLANCE CAMERA?
[WHACK]
OH, JESUS.
WELL, THERE MAY NOT BE ONE
IF THE ELEVATOR'S OLD ENOUGH.
PLEASE, GOD.
OK, SO,
YOU'RE BALLIN' HER.
DID YOU EJACULATE?
W--UH, IS THERE
ANY WAY NOT TO?
NOT THAT I'VE FOUND.
DID SHE MENTION ANY OTHER
THERAPISTS SHE'S SLEPT WITH?
OTHER MEMBERS
OF THE HIPPOCRATIC ARTS?
ORTHODONTISTS?
PODIATRISTS?
CLERGY?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T THINK SO.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
HOW MANY OTHER
NONPATIENT PATIENTS
HAVE YOU BANGED?
NONE.
YOU BANGING
YOUR RECEPTIONIST?
TIFF--NO.
WELL, LET EZRI STOVALL
GET TO WORK.
CLAMMY.
HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH.
[PANTING]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
DON'T ANSWER IT, BABY.
[RING]
OH.
HELLO.
HELEN, EZRI.
HI. WHAT'S UP?
I'VE GOT SOMETHING
FOR YOU. YOU FREE?
AVAILABLE.
NEVER FREE.
HA HA!
NEVER GIVE IT AWAY, BABY.
[CHUCKLES]
IS THA THAT SUMBITCH STOVALL?
SHE'S SPOKEN FOR!
SHH.
THIS IS BUSINESS.
AHH. AHH.
I'M DEFENDING
A HEADSHRINKER
WHO PUT HIS PECKER
WHERE HE SHOULDN'T HAVE.
AND SHE'S SUING HIM.
BINGO.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
D-DON'T GET IT, BABY.
PLEASE.
HOLD ON.
WE HAVEN' WORKED IN A MONTH.
I CAN'T--I'M GONNA...
OWW! OH.
[RING]
[MOANING]
HELLO.
IS FELIX POTTER IN?
HE SURE IS.
AHH. GODDAMN.
YEAH, HELLO.
FELIX POTTER.
UH-HUH.
CONNIE BARKER
OUT OF CHICAGO.
JOEL JOHNSON OF
BEERQUIST,
ANGSTHALL & COX
GAVE ME YOUR NUMBER.
UH-HUH.
I'M LOOKING FOR
A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR.
I'M REPRESENTING
THE VICTIM
IN A THERAPIS ABUSE CASE.
WHAT DO YOU
GOT, EZRI?
I NEED TO FIND OUT IF
THERE'S ANYTHING IN HIS PAS THAT MIGHT HURT US.
WE'RE JUST STARTING DEPOSITIONS.
AHH.
AHH.
Ezri and Connie:
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
NOTHING.
NOTHING.
TV.
RADIO.
Connie: HIS NAME
IS KLINK, ROGER KLINK.
SHE'S MELINDA CARMICHAEL.
THE SHRINK IS ROGER KLINK.
DR. KLINK?
YEP.
WHAT'S HER NAME?
Connie and Helen:
MELINDA CARMICHAEL.
[WHISPERING]
We're on the same case.
Ezri: YOU'LL GE YOUR USUAL FEE, HELEN.
I'D LIKE TO PUT YOU
ON A RETAINER, FELIX.
I NEED SOME DIR ON DR. KLINK.
UH-HUH.
FAX ME
EVERYTHING YOU GOT.
UH-HUH.
OK, EZRI?
I GOTTA GO.
I'M THERE.
INTERESTING.
50 BUCKS AN HOUR, PLUS EXPENSES.
FAX ME AT THIS NUMBER.
FAX ME. FAX--
AHH!
WE'RE WORKING
THE SAME JOB AGAIN.
YOU SHOW ME YOURS,
I'LL SHOW YOU MINE.
Ezri: HAVE YOU EVER HAD
YOUR DEPOSITION
TAKEN BEFORE,
MRS. CARMICHAEL?
NO.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
THAT YOUR TESTIMONY
HERE TODAY
IS GIVEN UNDER OATH
AND DONE
JUST LIKE IN COURT?
SO DESPITE THE
INFORMAL SETTING,
YOU ARE TESTIFYING
UNDER PENALTY
OF PERJURY.
[CLATTER]
I'M SORRY.
THE TAPE JAMMED.
I'LL NEED A MINUTE.
IT'S HIS FIRST DAY.
[WHISPERING] Is he
gonna be here every day?
IT'S HIS RIGHT.
Videographer: GOT IT.
[WHIR]
NOW, MRS. CARMICHAEL,
WERE YOU
CARNALLY INTIMATE
WITH ROGER KLINK?
CARNALLY INTIMATE?
SEXUALLY INTIMATE.
Melinda: UM, I GUESS SO.
I MEAN, WE HAD SEX.
WOULD YOU PLEASE DESCRIBE
IN SPECIFIC DETAIL
THE FIRST OF THESE
DECOROUS UNIONS
WITH ROGER KLINK?
INDECOROUS UNIONS,
COUNSEL.
CONSENTING ADULTS
ENGAGED IN FORNICATION--
WHAT COULD BE
MORE DECOROUS, COUNSEL?
HOW ABOUT IF, FOR THE PURPOSES
OF THIS DEPOSITION,
WE LET THE NOUN STAND ALONE,
UNQUALIFIED?
UNION, PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
FINE.
MRS. CARMICHAEL,
WOULD YOU PLEASE
WALK ME THROUGH
THIS INITIAL UNION?
WHAT?
MR. STOVALL WOULD
LIKE YOU TO DESCRIBE
YOUR FIRST ENCOUNTER
WITH DR. KLINK.
ROGER KLINK.
HE IS A DOCTOR, COUNSEL.
YES, COUNSEL,
BUT NOT HER DOCTOR.
HOW ABOUT IF,
FOR THE PURPOSES
OF THIS DEPOSITION,
WE LET THE KLINK STAND
ALONE, UNQUALIFIED?
FINE.
MRS. CARMICHAEL,
WHEN YOU'RE READY.
WELL, WE HAD, UM...
SEX IN THE ELEVATOR
OF HIS BUILDING
BETWEEN FLOORS.
AND WOULD YOU DESCRIBE
THIS UNION AS STANDARD?
WHAT ARE YOU
GETTING AT, COUNSEL?
I'M TRYING
TO ESTABLISH THE MODE
BY WHICH THEY CARNALLY
EXPRESSED THEMSELVES.
OH, YOU MEAN THE WAY IN WHICH
THEY WERE CARNALLY EXPRESSIVE.
PRECISELY.
MISSIONARY?
FRONT DOOR?
BACK DOOR?
ROUNDY-ROUND?
WERE YOU PROSTRATE?
PLUMB?
INGNUE?
COU--
WELL, HE, UM...
HE, UM...
STOPPED THE ELEVATOR,
AND WE JUST KIND OF
MOVED AT EACH OTHER.
UH...
DID HE STOP
THE ELEVATOR,
OR DID YOU?
ONE OF US DID.
I-IT'S A LITTLE HAZY.
OK, BUT YOU MADE
THE FIRST MOVE.
YOU'RE LEADING
THE PLAINTIFF, COUNSEL.
WE BOTH MOVED
AT THE SAME TIME,
GRABBED AT EACH OTHER.
DOCT--
HE WAS VERY EXCITED.
KLINK TOLD YOU
HE WAS EXCITED?
NO.
BUT--BUT I COULD
FEEL HIS...
WELL, HIS...
MR. HAPPY WAS PRESSING UP
AGAINST ME.
MR. HAPPY?
WELL, THAT'S WHA MY HUSBAND CALLS HIS...
JOHNSON.
YES, COUNSEL?
NOT YOU.
I'M, UH,
REFERRING TO
MELINDA'S
HUSBAND'S JOHNSON.
KLINK'S JOHNSON--
KLINK'S PENIS.
COULD WE STAY FOCUSED
ON KLINK'S PENIS
AND NOT THE HUSBAND'S?
UH, MRS. CARMICHAEL,
PERHAPS THERE'S ANOTHER
TERM WE COULD USE
TO DESCRIBE
ROGER KLINK'S PENIS.
MR. MAJESTIC.
THAT'S WHAT HE CALLS IT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
YOUR PECKER HAS A NAME?
EHH--
AND THAT SHE KNOWS IT?
I DIDN'T THINK
IT WOULD COME UP, SO--
OHH! [COUGHS]
I, UH...
[STAMMERS]
HAD AN AFFAIR
3 YEARS AGO.
I MEAN, IT WAS
A DOCTOR IN DENVER.
IT WAS A SEMINAL RELATIONSHIP.
IF I HADN'T HAD THE AFFAIR,
I NEVER WOULD'VE
BOUGHT THE CORVETTE
OR LEFT MY WIFE.
ARE YOU STILL
SEEING HIM?
HIM? NO.
IT WAS A--A HER.
UH, SHE, DOCTOR.
OH, RIGHT.
IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY BEARING
ON THIS CASE.
IT BETTER NOT.
[SIGHS]
BACK ON THE RECORD,
PLEASE.
OK, SO YOU COULD
FEEL DR. MAJESTIC.
I THINK IT'S
MR. MAJESTIC, COUNSEL.
RIGHT. UH, YOU COULD
FEEL MR. MAJESTIC
PRESSING UP
AGAINST YOU.
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
UM, WE STARTED KISSING
AND GRABBING,
AND HE WAS BUMPING HIMSELF
UP AGAINST ME,
KISSING MY NECK, AND...
HE SLID HIS HANDS
UNDER MY BLOUSE
AND WAS CARESSING
MY BREASTS IN CIRCLES,
TINY, LITTLE CIRCLES.
[RAPID BREATHS]
AND ONE THING
LED TO ANOTHER,
AND I JUST...
TOOK MR. MAJESTIC, UM...
IN MY MOUTH.
[RAPID GASPS]
[SPUTTERS]
EHH.
Both: YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Dan: AAH!
WHAAH!
DR. PAIGE!
DANNY! DANNY!
DANNY, STOP!
YOU SON OF A BITCH!
HOW DARE YOU?!
HOW DARE YOU?!
[LARRY LAUGHING]
Melinda: DR. KLINK,
ARE YOU OK?
Emily: YOU SON OF A BITCH!
OK, I'M ALL RIGHT.
I'M ALL RIGHT.
I'M ALL RIGHT.
I'M ALL RIGHT NOW.
OUT! OUT! OUT!
[LAUGHING]
I'M SORRY.
AHH!
YOU PATHETIC,
IMMATURE PECKERWOODS!
OH, THE HILARITY.
SHE KISSED HIS PEE-PEE.
GROW UP!
THIS IS SERIOUS
GODDAMN BUSINESS!
SALACIOUS, YES.
SCANDALOUS, OF COURSE.
TITILLATING, POSSIBLY.
BUT MY CLIENT'S CAREER
HANGS ON
MS. BARKER'S CLIENT'S
MOST INTIMATE TESTIMONIAL.
GET OUT AND STAY OU UNTIL IT'S TIME
FOR YOUR DEPOSITIONS!
MY--WHY WOULD I
NEED TO DO ONE?
BECAUSE YOU'RE
THE FLACCID BASTARD
THAT STARTED
THIS WHOLE MESS.
NOW BEAT IT!
HE'S--THAT'S--
DITTO! AMSCRAY!
I'M--I'M GOING.
BEAUTIFULLY EXPRESSED,
COUNSEL.
OH, YEAH.
THAT SHIT'S HOT.
SHUT UP, LARRY!
YOU'RE NOT LOOKING
AT THE BIG PICTURE.
THE 3, ZERO, ZERO
ZERO, ZERO, ZERO,
ZERO, ZERO DOLLAR PICTURE.
ENOUGH. ENOUGH!
GIVE IT A REST.
GIVE IT A REST,
LARRY, OK, PLEASE?
THIS IS ALL
YOUR FAULT.
MY FAULT?
YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT SENT--
YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT SENT MY WIFE
TO THAT SEX FIEND.
I'LL CATCH YOU
LATER, BRO. I, UH...
I--I FORGOT SOMETHING.
WELL, MAYBE IF YOU'D BEEN
ABLE TO DELIVER THE GOODS,
YOUR WIFE WOULDN' HAVE BEEN SO DAMN HORNY
THAT SHE THREW HERSELF
ON DR. KLINK
IN A GODDAMN ELEVATOR!
FUCK YOU, DR. PAIGE!
FUCK ME.
HOW YOU GONNA DO THAT, DAN,
WITH DR. KLINK'S HELP?
[DING]
NO.
HEH.
HEY, WE CAME TO YOU GUYS
'CAUSE WE WANTED HELP.
WE WANTED TO SAVE
OUR MARRIAGE.
YOU GUYS ARE SUPPOSED
TO BE PROFESSIONALS.
YOU GUYS
DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!
YOU WANNA KNOW WHY
YOU CAN'T GET AN ERECTION
WITH MELINDA?
HEY. HEY, NOT SO LOUD.
NO PROTECTION,
NO ERECTION.
NO DIAPHRAGM,
MR. HAPPY GETS SAD.
WIFE WANTS CHILDREN.
HUSBAND DOESN'T.
WIFE FORCES THE ISSUE.
IT IS A CLASSIC
VENUS AND MARS DYNAMIC.
NOW, GENERALLY
WE LIKE PATIENTS
TO COME TO CERTAIN CONCLUSIONS
ON THEIR OWN.
BUT WHAT THE HELL?
THERE IT IS,
FREE OF CHARGE.
I'M NOT READY
TO BE A FATHER.
GREAT! AND WHA DOES MELINDA SAY?
WE DON'T EVER
TALK ABOUT IT.
WE USE BIRTH CONTROL.
WHAT IS THERE TO SAY?
ISN'T THA WHAT MARRIAGE IS,
YOU KNOW, UH,
KNOWING WITHOUT SAYING?
FANTASYLAND, DAN.
ALL RELATIONSHIPS
ARE KILLED BY DISHONESTY,
REPRESSED FEELINGS,
THINGS LEFT UNSAID.
[CRYING]
HONESTY FIRST.
"NO PROTECTION,
NO ERECTION."
YOU'RE GOOD.
I'M THE BEST.
NO PROTECTION,
NO ERECTION.
MM-HMM, YEAH.
BACK ON THE RECORD,
PLEASE.
I'M TRYING
TO PICTURE THIS.
Y-YOU WERE KNEELING?
NO. I WAS STANDING UP,
BENT OVER,
WITH HIM IN MY MOUTH.
SO, HE WAS
A PASSIVE PARTICIPANT?
NO.
HIS HAND WAS
UNDER MY SKIRT,
AND HE STARTED
TO TOUCH ME...
RUB MY...
MRS. HAPPY.
YES, AND, UM,
LET'S SEE.
WITH HIS OTHER HAND,
HE WAS STILL
TOUCHING MY BREAST...
VERY GENTLY,
SLOWLY TRACING TINY
CIRCLES AROUND MY NIPPLE,
AROUND AND AROUND...
AROUND AND AROUND
AND UP AND DOWN
ON MRS. HAPPY.
UP AND DOWN...
AND AROUND AND AROUND.
OFF THE RECORD A SECOND.
UH, COUNSEL, EXCUSE ME.
WOULD YOU MIND...
WOULD YOU OBJEC TO A 10-MINUTE RECESS?
[LAUGHS]
QUITE THE CONTRARY,
COUNSEL.
[GLASSES SHAKE]
I'M JUST TRYING
TO TELL THE TRUTH.
YOU'RE MAKING IT SOUND
LIKE YOU HAD WONDERFUL SEX
WITH A TERRIFIC LOVER.
WE'RE TRYING TO SUE HIM,
REMEMBER?
WE'RE NOT WRITING
AN EROTIC NOVEL.
THAT CIRCLE STUFF
SOUNDED GREAT.
[SIGHS]
[URINATING]
WHERE'D YOU COME UP WITH
THAT CIRCLE BUSINESS?
[URINATING STOPS]
CIRCLE BUSINESS?
AROUND HER NIPPLE?
[RESUMES URINATING]
ROUND AND ROUND
UP AND DOWN
[URINATING STOPS]
[DROPS FALL]
ROUND AND ROUND
AND UP AND DOWN
[FLUSH]
AND A 1, 2, 3
KICK, 1, 2, 3
KILL 'EM
HOO.
HEH.
[BOTH GASP]
[MOANING]
EXCUSE ME. HEH HEH.
NICE--
NICE CAMERAWORK. HERE.
I THOUGHT THEY
KICKED YOU OUT OF HERE.
"LAWRENCE CARMICHAEL,
ESQ."
IT'S ESQUIRE.
ATTORNEY.
YOU'RE A LAWYER?
A.B.D.
HOW WOULD YOU KIDS
LIKE TO EARN
A LITTLE EXTRA SCRATCH
ON THE SIDE?
SCRATCH?
[SIGHS]
TIME SORT OF STOOD STILL.
I REMEMBER BECOMING
AWARE OF POUNDING
AND PEOPLE'S VOICES...
HELLO!
[ALARM RINGING]
AND THEN THE PHONE
STARTED TO RING,
[RING]
AND THAT'S WHEN
HE, UH...
PUT HIS, UH...
MR. MAJESTIC.
INTO MY...
MRS. HAPPY.
AND THERE WAS
THIS POUNDING
AND SHOUTING
AND RINGING,
AND WE GOT INTO
THIS AMAZING RHYTHM.
IT WAS ALL OVER
IN ABOUT A MINUTE,
MINUTE AND A HALF.
DID KLINK ARRIVE
AT EMISSION?
YES.
I WASN'T USING
ANY PROTECTION,
SO AT THE LAST MINUTE,
WE PULLED APART,
AND I FINISHED HIM
WITH MY HAND.
YOU DID?
YES, AND
THE OTHER TIME, TOO.
REALLY?
[DEEP BREATH]
OFF THE RECORD
FOR A SECOND.
IS IT HOT IN HERE,
COUNSEL?
MM-HMM-HMM.
IT'S ALMOST 11:00.
UH, I'D LIKE TO BREAK
EARLY FOR LUNCH.
THIS IS THE FIRST DAY
OF DEPOSITION.
GIVEN THE EXHAUSTIVE NATURE
OF TODAY'S TESTIMONY, I--
PERHAPS A DISCONTINUATION...
IS COUNSEL
REQUESTING A RECESS?
WHAT WOULD COUNSEL'S INCLINATION
BE TO SUCH A REQUEST?
R-REQUEST GRANTED.
[DING]
[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALARM RINGING]
[ALARM STOPS]
UH...
[DING]
DOES COUNSEL HAVE
PLANS FOR LUNCH?
COUNSEL'S GOING BACK
TO THE HOTEL FOR A COLD SHOWER.
HOWDY, EZRI.
HOWDY, PARTNER.
HOW ARE YOU?
OH.
[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING]
HEH.
YOU'VE GOT A GREAT MEMORY
FOR DETAILS.
IT'S LIKE BEING
ON TRUTH SERUM IN THERE.
EVERYTHING
COMES FLOODING OUT.
MELINDA,
WHY ARE YOU SUING ME?
IT'S--THIS IS SO HUMILIATING
FOR BOTH OF US,
AND IF IT GOES TO TRIAL,
THIS--
EVERYONE IN BOISE
WILL FIND OUT ABOUT...
IT.
I THINK I'M GONNA
DROP THE SUIT.
I DON'T WANNA GO
ANY FURTHER WITH IT.
WHAT? R-REALLY?
NO. UH, Y-YOU SHOULD GET...
SOMETHING.
DO YOU LOVE ME,
DR. KLINK?
S...
DO I LOVE YOU?
YES.
DO YOU LOVE ME?
I COULD LOVE YOU.
COULD?
[DING]
THANKS, EZRI.
GET THAT BITE
LOOKED AT.
WHAT IS IT WITH YOU
AND ELEVATORS?
YOU KNOW, IT'S--
TAKE THE GODDAMN STAIRS.
I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE COULD--
I MEAN, I WAS THINKING WE...
I--I REALLY WANNA SETTLE
OUT OF COURT, IF...
AAH! EESH.
LET ME SET YOU STRAIGHT.
FIRST, EZRI STOVALL
HAS NEVER SETTLED.
WELL, THAT'S FINE--
HE EITHER WINS...
OR HE GOES DOWN
KICKING AND BITING.
2--
2! EZRI STOVALL MAKES
THE RECOMMENDATION
TO THE
INSURANCE COMPANY
TO GO TO COURT,
TO SETTLE, ET CETERA.
IF YOU DON'T HEED
HIS ADVICE,
YOU WILL BE SETTLING
ON YOUR OWN,
WITHOU THE INSURANCE COMPANY.
UH, I HAVE
MALPRACTICE INSURANCE.
EHH.
[SHARP INHALE]
FINE PRINT,
ELEVATOR BOY.
YOUR POLICY GUARANTEES
YOU A DEFENSE.
IT DOESN'T SAY IT'LL
PAY OUT IF YOU LOSE
OR IF IT FINDS THAT YOU
HAVE ACTED CRIMINALLY...
CRIMINALLY? I NEVER
ACTED CRIMINALLY.
OR UNETHICALLY...
SHE WASN'T EVEN
MY PATIENT.
OR IF YOU DECIDE TO--
AND I QUOTE--
"IF YOU DECIDE
TO ACT AGAINS INSURANCE CARRIER'S
APPOINTED COUNSEL."
YOU MEAN IF I SETTLE, I PAY?
YEP.
Dan: HEY, MEL.
HEY, HEY, UH...
I GOT YOU SOME ARBY'S.
THANKS.
HEY.
OK.
I'VE BEEN THINKING, MEL.
I KNOW
WHAT OUR PROBLEM WAS.
ME, TOO. YOU CHEATED WITH
THAT COCKTAIL WAITRESS.
I DIDN'T CHEA WITH THE CO--
I MEAN, I WAS GONNA,
BUT I DIDN'T.
YOU LIED TO ME ABOU SLEEPING WITH HER.
YOU AND I
WEREN'T EXACTLY--
BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T--
I COULDN'T BECAUSE YOU
WANTED A BABY, ALL RIGHT?
DR. PAIGE SPELLED I ALL OUT FOR ME.
NO PROTECTION,
NO ERECTION.
I JUST WASN'T READY YET,
BUT HELL, IF YOU
REALLY WANT A BABY,
WE'LL HAVE ONE.
I DON'T CARE,
ESPECIALLY WITH THE
MONEY WE GOT COMING IN.
I DON'T WANNA
MAKE A BABY, NOT YET.
YEAH, YOU DO.
NO, I DON'T.
YES, YOU DO. DR. PAIGE
SAID IT WAS CLASSIC
THE WAY
YOU LOST YOUR DIAPHRAGM.
WELL, SHE'S WRONG.
I DIDN'T LOSE IT.
I JUST DIDN'T USE IT, BECAUSE
YOU WANTED ME TO GET PREGNANT.
I WANTED YOU
TO GET PREGNANT?
YES.
NO, YOU--NO, WAIT.
YOU WANTED
TO GET PREGNANT.
NO WAY. I AM NOT READY
TO HAVE A BABY.
YOU'RE NOT.
UH-UH.
THAT MEANS TOGETHER
WE'RE BOTH NOT READY.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THIS IS AWESOME!
OH, MY GOD, I THOUGH IF I EVEN MENTIONED
THAT I DIDN'T WAN TO HAVE KIDS,
YOU'D DIVORCE ME.
REALLY?
YEAH.
ME, TOO.
OH, MY GOD.
HONESTY FIRST.
THAT'S THE KEY.
I FEEL LIKE
A WEIGHT'S BEEN LIFTED.
THAT DR. PAIGE
IS A GENIUS.
I LOVE YOU, MEL.
I LOVE YOU, DANNY.
I MISSED YOU HOLDING ME
AND HOLDING MY HAND
AND TOUCHING MY BACK.
THIS IS WHA I WANTED ALL ALONG.
ME, TOO. OH, WE COULD
DO THIS EVERY DAY IF WE WANT.
WE COULD DO THIS ALL DAY,
EVERY DAY, WHENEVER WE WANT.
WITH THE MONEY
WE GOT COMING IN,
WE COULD DO
WHATEVER WE WANT.
YOU SHOULD SEE
THE--THE THINGS
LARRY HAS LINED UP--
THE BROCHURES,
THE--THE TELEMARKETING,
UH, OPPORTUNITIES.
THE--THE REAL ESTATE
INVEST--
THERE'S FUN STUFF, TOO--
JAI ALAI AND,
YOU KNOW, BOXING.
WHAT'S LARRY HAVE TO DO
WITH ANY OF THIS?
WELL, HE'S OUR--
HE WORKS FOR US.
YOU KNOW,
HE QUIT HIS JOB.
LARRY'S NEVER HAD A JOB.
NO, HE HAS ONE NOW,
'CAUSE HE WORKS FOR US.
HE'S GONNA GET 10%
OF WHATEVER WE WIN.
THIS ISN'T A JACKPOT, DAN.
THIS IS OUR LIFE.
LOOK, I WAS STUPID
BEFORE, OK?
I WAS REALLY DUMB.
YOU GO IN THERE.
YOU SAY WHATEVER
YOU HAVE TO SAY.
IT'S JUST WORDS
TO ME NOW, BABY.
I DON'T EVEN CARE--
WHERE YOU GOING?
I WANT OUT!
I WANT IT ALL TO GO AWAY--
THE DOCTORS AND
THE LAWYERS AND YOU!
ME?! WHAT DID I DO?
I DON'T LIKE YOU, DANNY!
YOU'RE A BIG, BAD DEVIL!
WHAT? WHAT'D I DO?
Connie: NO! NO!
OHH! YOU WANNA
DROP THE LAWSUIT?!
YES. IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
I NEVER LIKED THIS CASE
TO BEGIN WITH.
OH, THIS ONE LOOKED
BETTER ON PAPER.
MMM.
[SIGHS]
FINE.
FINE. JUST WRITE US
A CHECK FOR ALL
OUR OUT-OF-POCKE LEGAL FEES.
FINE. HOW MUCH
WILL THAT BE?
Joel: WELL, LET'S SEE.
WE HAVE MS. BARKER'S FEES,
PLUS EXPENSES AND PER DIEM,
TIMES 10 DAYS,
PLUS FIRST-CLASS AIRFARE
AND HER SUPPORT STAFF
IN CHICAGO.
THEN OF COURSE THERE'S ME
AND MY STAFF HERE IN BOISE,
PLUS ONE PRIVATE DETECTIVE
AT $50 AN HOUR,
PLUS XEROXING, POSTAGE,
VARIOUS
OFFICE EXPENSES.
COMES TO JUS UNDER $75,000.
$75,000?
JUST UNDER.
I DON'T HAVE
THAT KIND OF MONEY.
GUESS WE'LL
STAY THE COURSE.
[SIGHS]
NEVER FORGE YOU'RE THE VICTIM HERE.
HMM.
TIFF--
WHO ARE YOU?
WH-WHERE'S TIFFANY?
[TOILET FLUSHES]
OH.
HELEN DALRYMPLE,
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR.
YOUR RECEPTIONIS LET ME IN.
[DOOR CLOSES]
LOOK, I-I DON'T KNOW
WHO YOU WORK FOR,
BUT COULD--
I WORK FOR YOU, ASSHOLE.
EZRI STOVALL HIRED ME.
IS DR. RICE
IN THIS PICTURE?
COME AGAIN?
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
HEH HEH.
LOOK, EZRI SAID YOU BANGED
SOME SHRINK AT A CONFERENCE.
HE--
DR. RICE.
ARE YOU STILL
IN CONTACT WITH HER?
UH, NO. DR. RICE
IS NO LONGER
IN THE PICTURE.
SHE--COULD--
PLEASE--COULD YOU
PLEASE NOT TOUCH MY--
OR TIFFANY'S THINGS?
DID MS. CARMICHAEL
MENTION ANY OTHER AFFAIRS?
OTHER DOCTORS SHE SCREWED?
DENTISTS,
PODIATRISTS, CLERGY?
CLERG--NO.
I MEAN, I TOLD
MR. STOVALL EVERYTHING,
AND ANYTHING
SHE TOLD ME IS CONFIDENTIAL.
RIGHT. DON'T WANNA ABUSE
THAT DOCTOR-PATIEN RELATIONSHIP.
WAIT, WAIT. I...
MUST INSIS THAT YOU LEAVE.
DON'T GET LIPPY
WITH ME, DOC.
I DIDN'T SCREW
MY PATIENT.
SHE W...
[DOOR CLOSES]
HEH. IN AN ELEVATOR?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
HA HA!
WE ARE TALKING ABOU STODGER ROGER, RIGHT?
HEH. GOOD, OLD
MR. BY THE BOOK.
AH HEH HEH. YOU KNOW,
WHEN I MET HIM,
HE WAS
A 23-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN,
AND, UH, THE MORNING
AFTER WE HAD SEX
FOR THE FIRST TIME,
I GET A CALL
OUT OF THE BLUE
FROM AN EX-BOYFRIEND
WHO PROPOSES TO ME.
REALLY?
ROGER, BLESS HIS HEART,
IN A FIT OF JEALOUSY,
JUMPS UP AND SAYS,
"I WOULD MARRY YOU."
YEARS LATER, I FOUND OU WHAT HE MEANT...
WAS "COULD,"
NOT "WOULD."
SO, WHAT, YOU GOT MARRIED
ON A GRAMMATICAL ERROR?
ALL I KNOW IS, UM...
WE WERE NEVER
VERY HAPPY.
UH, HAS HE HAD MANY AFFAIRS,
YOUR HUSBAND?
WELL, THERE WAS
THAT OTAPI CONFERENCE
IN DENVER
A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.
OTAPI. THAT'S SOME KIND
OF ANTELOPE, RIGHT?
[LAUGHS]
WHAT?
OTAPI, THE ORGANIZATION
OF THERAPISTS, ANALYSTS,
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
COME ON.
RIGHT.
I SHOULDN'T BE
TELLING YOU ANY OF THIS.
I'VE HAD
TOO MANY OF THESE.
DARLIN', UH...
YOU COULD TELL ME ANYTHING.
WELL...
HE COMES BACK
FROM DENVER,
AND HE'S A CHANGED MAN.
ALL OF A SUDDEN,
HE IS MR. ORAL SEX.
UP UNTIL THEN, ROGER
HAD VERY RARELY, UH...
CUNNILINGED ME.
CAN YOU SAY, UH,
"CUNNILINGED"?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT'S THE VERB
FOR CUNNILINGUS?
CUNNILINGATED.
STOP IT.
CUNNILINGUAL.
[LAUGHING]
THAT A VERB?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I LIKE IT.
ANYWAY, HE COMES
BACK FROM DENVER,
AND SUDDENLY
HE'S AN EXPERT.
OH, YES. HE'S SLOW.
HE'S SENSUAL.
HE'S CIRCULAR.
AM I BORING YOU?
NOT A BIT.
SALTY.
OH, AND HE STARTED
DOING THIS, UM,
THIS CIRCLE THING,
YOU KNOW, WITH THE--
WITH HIS HANDS
ON MY--ON MY BREASTS,
KIND OF LIKE--LIKE THAT.
REALLY?
YEAH.
WHOA. HEH.
AND, UH...
WOW.
I LET THE WHOLE THING
DROP, AND THEN, UH,
OH, ABOU 5, 6 MONTHS LATER,
HE GOT A CARD IN THE
MAIL FROM A DR. RICE.
LOOKED LIKE
AN INVITATION.
WHO'S DR. RICE?
EXACTLY WHAT I SAID,
YOU KNOW, VERY NICELY,
AND, UH, ROGER
GOT VERY FLUSTERED.
AND STAMMERED SOMETHING
ABOUT IT OBVIOUSLY
BEING ADDRESSED
TO THE WRONG DR. KLINK.
IS DR. RICE A BOY DOCTOR
OR A GIRL DOCTOR?
A GIRL DOCTOR.
ARE YOU SURE?
HEH. WELL,
WHO ELSE BUT A GIRL
COULD HAVE TAUGHT HIM
ALL THOSE GOOD THINGS
THAT HE KNEW?
WELL, THANK YOU...
HEH.
FOR YOUR HELP.
WE, UM--WE ARE
SEPARATED, YOU KNOW.
MMM.
UH, DO YOU LIVE ALONE?
I, UM...
HAVE A ROOMMATE.
BUT, UH, LISTEN,
UH, HERE'S MY CARD,
AND, UH, IF YOU CAN
THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE,
WHY, UH, YOU CAN CALL ME.
OH.
DAY AND NIGHT.
THANK YOU.
MA'AM.
I'LL SEE YOU.
NO!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
GOOD MORNING,
COUNSEL.
HI, COUNSEL.
HOW'S IT HANGING?
Connie: BETTER PUT THA ANIMAL OF YOURS IN A CAGE,
OR I'LL HAVE TO GE A RESTRAINING ORDER.
Ezri: YOUR CLIEN HAS VIOLATED RULES
REGARDING EX PARTE
PROPINQUITY.
I'LL SQUEEZE
IN HERE WITH YOU.
LET'S TAKE THE STAIRS.
I GET AN ERECTION JUS THINKING ABOUT ELEVATORS.
WE WERE BY THE DOOR,
STANDING UP.
HE WAS HUGGING ME,
MOVING HIS HANDS
OVER MY DRESS
AND THEN UNDER MY DRESS.
I WASN'T WEARING
ANY UNDERWEAR.
OH, BABY!
[MEN CHEERING,
WHISTLING]
HEY, DAN, OVER HERE.
HEY. HEY, LARRY,
WHAT'S UP?
YOU SEEN MELINDA?
HAVEN'T SEEN HER, BRO.
BUT YOU DON'T THINK THIS MONEY'S
GOIN' TO HER HEAD, DO YOU?
NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
IN FACT,
I DON'T EVEN THINK
SHE'S 100% INTO
THE WHOLE THING.
WE WERE TALKING LAST--
LAST--IS--THIS IS...
LARRY, THIS IS
MELINDA NAKED.
[LARRY CHUCKLES]
I TOOK HER HEAD
OFF LAST YEAR'S
CHRISTMAS CARD,
DOWNLOADED THE BODY
OFF THE INTERNET.
THE REST IS
THE MAGIC OF PHOTOSHOP.
BUT GODDAMN, LARRY,
SHE'S STILL NAKED.
I-IT'S NOT HER BODY.
WITH SEXY ARTWORK
ON THE VIDEO BOX,
I CAN GET DOUBLE
PER UNIT.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
YEE-HA!
[WOLF WHISTLE]
I PUT MY HANDS
IN HIS PANTS.
OH, MY GOD.
LARRY--
OK, THAT'S MY LITTLE SURPRISE.
MELINDA IS HOT, BRO.
IS THAT--ARE THOSE--
WOULD YOU LOOK
AT THIS CROWD? HECK,
WE COULD SELL
HER DEPOSITION TAPES
TO EVERY BAR IN TOWN.
I'VE GOT A BUDDY IN SALT LAKE
WORKING ON THE WEBSITE.
WHA--LARRY, I AM TRYING
TO GET BACK WITH HER.
...BEING UP ON HIS DESK,
ON ALL FOURS.
WHOO!
WHOO!
LARRY, HAVE YOU
SEEN YOUR BROTHER?
SPEAK OF THE DEVIL.
HEY, MELINDA.
WHAT'S THIS?
DON'T WORRY.
IT'S NOT YOUR BODY.
BOO-YAH.
WHY DON'T WE
TURN IT OFF, HUH?
I THINK THE GAME'S ON.
...HIS OTHER HAND,
HE WAS VERY GENTLY...
THAT'S ME ON TV.
...AROUND AND
AROUND AND AROUND
AND UP AND DOWN ON...
MRS. HAPPY!
MRS. HAPPY!
TURN IT OFF!
TURN IT OFF!
WHOO HOO!
WHEE-HAH!
DANNY?
UH, OH, MEL,
OH, SHIT.
HOW COULD YOU?
I DIDN'T. I SWEAR.
HOW COULD YOU?
I DIDN'T.
MEL, I SWEAR.
MEL, I SWEAR TO GOD
I DIDN'T. MEL.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
WHY DON'T WE--
LOOK, THAT'S MY WIFE!
CAN WE PLEASE
TURN IT OFF?
HEY! HEY, EVERYBODY!
IT'S MR. HAPPY!
[YELLING, CHEERING]
HEY, COME ON, BUDDY!
HEY, HEY, HEY--
THE BEST PART!
GET DOWN, NOW!
GET HIM
OFF OF THERE.
GET OFF ME!
UNH! [SIGHS]
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
[LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING]
YES.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
THAT'S NOT SO BAD.
WHEN?
GOOD IDEA.
TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE.
GET HOLD OF DR. PAIGE
AND WARN HER.
NO, NO. I-I'LL CONVEY
THE MESSAGE TO MR. STOVALL.
[GLASSES CLINK]
WHAT'S UP?
GOOD NEWS FOR OUR TEAM.
CARMICHAELS ARE
SPLITTING UP FOR GOOD.
MELINDA'S AT SOME HOTEL
BY THE HIGHWAY.
SHE'S VERY UPSET.
I'D LIKE TO GIVE HER
A DAY'S REST.
JOHNSON THINKS WE SHOULD MOVE ON
TO DR. PAIGE'S DEPOSITION.
I'M NOT SURE I'M
PREPARED FOR DR. PAIGE.
EZRI...
IT WOULD MEAN
AN AWFUL LOT TO ME.
[SWALLOWS]
[BLUES GUITAR PLAYING]
MAX, YOU EVER THINK
ABOUT THE OTHER ROAD,
THE ONE YOU DIDN'T WALK DOWN?
THE ONE YOU STOOD
AT THE MOUTH OF,
BUT WERE AFRAID TO WALK DOWN,
AFRAID TO...
LET DOWN YOUR HAIR AND RUN?
AH, I'M WAXING RHETORICAL,
NOT LOOKING FOR AN ANSWER,
JUST A LITTLE...
ANONYMOUS COMPANIONSHIP.
HERE, DOC,
COMPLIMENTS
OF THE LADIES
AT THE END OF THE BAR.
IT'S THE CORVETTE, MAX.
THE WOMEN LOVE IT.
TO DR. MAJESTIC.
Women: DR. MAJESTIC.
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
THAT'S CON--
THAT'S CONFIDENTIAL
UH, DOCTOR-CLI--
UH, ATTORNEY...
AHH! AHH.
[ALL LAUGHING]
HEY, DOC, YOU FORGO YOUR PICTURE.
[DOOR BUZZER]
[SHOWER RUNNING]
OH.
Man: BINGO
WAS HIS NAME-O...
HI.
UH, IS FELIX IN?
HE'S IN THE SHOWER.
OH, YOU'RE THE ROOMMATE.
OH, HA HA HA! HE SAID
HE HAD A ROOMMATE.
I TOTALLY FOR...
DID HE?
AND YOU MUST BE...
I'M--I'M JENNIFER.
I'M, UH, THE ALMOS EX-MRS. DR. KLINK.
RIGHT.
AND YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE...
[SIGHS]
WELL, AH HEH HEH.
I HAVE A VERY VALUABLE
PIECE OF EVIDENCE
TO HELP SCREW MY FUTURE
EX-HUSBAND, AND, UM...
I'D REALLY LIKE
TO GIVE IT TO FELIX.
WELL, WE'RE NO JUST ROOMMATES.
WE'RE PARTNERS.
OH. PERFECT. OK.
SO WHAT HAPPENED IS
A GOT A CALL FROM MAX,
THE BARTENDER DOWN
AT THE WILD BILL LOUNGE.
HE DIDN'T KNOW
ROGER AND I HAD SPLIT,
SO HE CALLED THE HOUSE,
AND, UH--HEH.
LOOKY WHAT MY HUSBAND
LEFT BEHIND-Y
IN THE BAR.
I'VE SEEN THIS PICTURE BEFORE.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
WH--THAT'S DR. RICE
NEXT TO MY HUSBAND.
EX! EX-HUSBAND. UHH!
EX-HUSBAND.
I MEAN, LOOK A THEIR HANDS. IT'S...
THAT'S DR. RICE?
"TO A GREAT ORATOR,
LOVE, E.R."
[SIGHS] DR. RICE
TAUGHT ROGER THE, UH,
CUNNILINGUAL ARTS,
AS FELIX PUT IT.
ISN'T THAT FUNNY?
HA HA HA HA!
IS THAT HOW HE PUT IT?
[FELIX HUMMING
IN THE SHOWER]
THERE WAS
A FARMER HAD A DOG
AND BINGO
WAS HIS NAME-O
NN-NN-NN-NN-DOG...
DOES FELIX
TAKE LONG SHOWERS?
WE'RE LOVERS,
NOT JUST PARTNERS.
OH, YES. OK.
WELL, I NEVER WOULD
HAVE, UH, AHEM,
I MEAN, LOOK AT ME.
IT'S...
A LOT OF FRINGE
AND--OK.
WELL, HE'D--HE'D CALLED
YOU HIS ROOMMATE,
JUST--JUST SO
YOU KNOW THAT.
SORRY.
OH, THAT'S OK.
THAT'S OK.
THIS, UM--THIS IS
AN IDAHO CHARDONNAY,
IF YOU WANNA...
I'M GONNA GO.
UH, KEEP THE PHOTO.
KEEP THIS. HEH.
AND, UH...
BUST HIS BALLS
FOR ME, WOULD YOU?
DON'T WORRY.
[OPERA PLAYING]
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
[RING]
[BEEP]
THIS BETTER BE GOOD.
I FOUND A PICTURE OF KLINK
WITH DR. RICE.
MEANINGLESS.
GOOD-BYE.
GUESS WHO DR. RICE IS.
REALLY?
ARE YOU SURE?
POSITIVE.
I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
[WITH CASTILIAN LISP]
CONTHUELA, THAT WAS AMATHING.
THAT WAS
A CLASS-A MISDEMEANOR.
MY DEAR...
THAT WAS A FELONY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?
I HATE THAT ONE OF US
HAS TO LOSE.
I WISH WE COULD
BOTH WIN.
OHH. OK.
OK.
OK. HA.
AH HA!
HA HA HA!
[GASPS]
Ezri: EXHIBIT "A"
IS A GROUP PHOTOGRAPH
FROM THE OTAPI
SHRINK CONVENTION,
DENVER, 1999.
DO YOU RECOGNIZE
THE WOMAN
STANDING NEX TO ROGER KLINK?
OF COURSE I DO.
WOULD YOU PLEASE READ
WHAT'S WRITTEN ON
THE BACK OF THE PHOTO.
"TO A GREAT ORATOR,
LOVE, E.R."
WHO'S E.R.?
EMILY RICE.
Ezri: WHO IS
EMILY RICE?
ME. I AM. UH...
I WAS.
MY SECOND FORMER HUSBAND
WAS EUGENE RICE.
WHAT DID YOU MEAN,
"A GREAT ORATOR"?
IT'S DOUBLE ENTENDRE.
IT--NO BIG DEAL.
IT REFERS TO ORAL SEX.
WE HAD A FLING IN DENVER.
[GASPS]
WE HARDLY LEFT THE ROOM
FOR 3 DAYS,
ALTHOUGH IT WAS
MORE OF A WORKSHOP,
CONSIDERING ROGER WAS
A SEXUAL FLEDGLING.
I OBJECT!
IT'S THE TRUTH.
I TUTORED HIM IN VARIOUS
SEXUAL TECHNIQUES.
GRANTED, HE--
HE WAS A QUICK LEARNER.
HE MADE THE GREATEST STRIDES
IN THE ORAL DISCIPLINES,
HENCE "A GREAT ORATOR."
ORAL?
YOU AND DR. KLINK?
I NAMED HIS PENIS
MR. MAJESTIC.
TO BOOST HIS CONFIDENCE.
OH, JESUS--
OH, GOD!
OH, MAN.
SHOULD I GO
OFF RECORD?
DON'T YOU DARE.
I SHOWED HIM EVERYTHING.
I CRAMMED 6 MONTHS
OF TRAINING INTO 3 DAYS.
OH, AND WE HAD
AN ELEVATOR IN DENVER.
YOU TWO HAD SEX
IN AN ELEVATOR?
WELL--
WELL, HE WAS TOO TIMID.
"WHAT IF SOMEONE COMES?
I'M SO SCARED."
YOU WERE LIKE
A SUPERCHARGED SEX INSTRUCTOR!
A SQUARE-DANCE CALLER!
"ROLL OVER.
"RUB HERE. TOUCH THIS.
ON YOUR BACK.
ON YOUR KNEES."
UHH! IT WAS LIKE
SEXUAL BOOT CAMP.
YOU LOVED IT,
AND THEN YOU HAVE THE NERVE
TO SHARE MY ADVANCED
CIRCLE TECHNIQUE WITH HER.
THOSE CIRCLES ARE MINE!
I GAVE HIM THAT TECHNIQUE.
BUT THAT'S ALL IT IS
TO YOU, TECHNIQUE
AND DISCIPLINES,
MANEUVERS.
I MEAN, IF YOU HAD
JUST SHUT UP ONCE
DURING THE WHOLE WEEKEND
AND LET ME BE ME,
I MIGHT NEVER HAVE
GONE BACK TO MY WIFE.
YOU SHOULD'VE
TOLD ME, DR. PAIGE.
IT HAD NO BEARING.
YOU PRESSED ME
TO SUE HIM.
YOU WANTED TO
NAIL THE BASTARD.
YOU USED ME TO GE BACK AT DR. KLINK!
HOW COULD YOU?
YOU, YOU STOLE THE CIRCLES
FROM DR. PAIGE!
HELL HATH NO FURY
LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED.
NO, NO!
I WAS TRYING TO HELP!
YOU USED
MRS. CARMICHAEL,
A BROKEN WOMAN.
WHO WAS UNABLE
TO DEFEND HERSELF
FROM THE ADVANCES
OF THIS SEXUAL PREDATOR.
PREDATOR? HE'S A LEAF-EATER,
A SEXUAL HERBIVORE.
I OBJECT. TH--
A PREDATOR CREATED
BY DR. PAIGE.
OH, BUT THEN--BUT THEN
HER CREATION SPURNED HER.
SO YOU SET OU TO DESTROY HIM,
AND THIS INNOCENT WOMAN
JUST GOT IN YOUR WAY.
NONE OF THIS IS TRUE!
YOU HAVE RUINED
MY LIFE, DR. PAIGE.
MY MARRIAGE
IS OVER,
DAN'S BECOME
A GREEDY ASSHOLE,
AND HIS SHIT BROTHER
IS SELLING
THE DEPOSITION TAPES
AT LOCAL BARS!
WHA--
I DID IT!
OH, YOU'RE FIRED.
YOU CAN'T FIRE HER.
SHE'S PREGNANT.
UHH. THE TAPES
ARE MEANINGLESS NOW.
REMEMBER YOUR WISH
LAST NIGHT, CONSUELA?
LAST NIGHT?
THAT BOTH OF US
COULD WIN THIS CASE.
THAT ISN'T POSSIBLE,
BUT I'VE COME UP WITH
THE NEXT BEST THING.
FIRST, YOU DROP
YOUR SUIT AGAINST KLINK.
DO WHAT?
DROP THE SUIT? NEVER!
YOU FILE A SUI ON BEHALF
OF MRS. CARMICHAEL
AND KLINK,
THE REAL VICTIMS
IN THIS CASE,
AGAINS THE REAL VILLAIN,
THE CONNIVING AND
VENGEFUL DR. PAIGE.
THIS'LL NEVER
HOLD UP IN COURT.
IT WON'T HAVE TO.
YOU'LL SETTLE
OUT OF COUR FOR 5 MILLION,
WHICH THE COMPANY
WILL AGREE TO.
AND MELINDA AND KLINK
WILL SPLIT 5 MILLION.
MINUS 30%.
EVERYONE'S A WINNER.
WELL, NOT EVERYONE.
ACCORDING
TO THE SETTLEMENT,
DR. PAIGE WILL
LOSE HER LICENSE.
LOSE MY LICENSE?
BUT THERE IS AN ISLAND
IN THE CARIBBEAN
WHERE YOU DO NO NEED A LICENSE
TO PRACTICE
THE PSYCHIATRIC ARTS.
AHH! [STAMMERS]
GRAND CAYMAN.
THE CARIBBEAN?
BRILLIANT.
IT'S A HAPPY ENDING.
YOU ARE
THE GREATEST.
[PATS]
[SNAPS]
Ezri: COME HERE,
YOU BIG LUG.
MELINDA, ROGER,
CONGRATULATIONS!
WE WON!
WE'RE RICH!
Emily: THIS IS INSANE!
I WON'T AGREE. I WANNA
SPEAK TO MY ATTORNEY.
I'M YOUR ATTORNEY.
[SOBS]
EVERY SHRINK
IN THE GREAT STATE OF IDAHO
HAS THE SAME MALPRACTICE PLAN
AND THE SAME LAWYER,
EZRI STOVALL.
AS YOUR ATTORNEY
AND THE ONE VOICE
THE INSURANCE COMPANY
LISTENS TO,
I RECOMMEND WE SETTLE
OUT OF COURT.
BUT--BUT YOU NEVER
SETTLE OUT OF COURT.
I WILL FOR YOU.
LOVE MEANS
MAKING SACRIFICES.
I'M SORRY, EMILY.
WOULD YOU LIKE
SOME CHAMPAGNE?
[WHIMPERS]
NO? MELINDA?
AAH! GODDAMN LAWYERS
AND DOCTORS, GO TO HELL!
MELINDA?
MELINDA, WAIT!
AHH! GAHH!
ROGER!
WAIT!
ROGER!
ROGER! ROGER!
AND WHEN DID YOU
COME UP WITH ALL OF THIS?
AFTER YOU
FELL ASLEEP.
I FELL ASLEEP?
MM-HMM.
SO WE DIDN'T...
NO.
I MISSED IT.
I TOOK THE LIBERTY
OF RESCHEDULING YOU
FOR 3:00.
IT'S TIME!
T-TIME?
UH-HUH. THE BABY.
OHH.
[PEELS OUT]
[TIRES SKID]
[SLIGHTLY SPED UP]
MELINDA! I'LL FOLLOW.
[TIRES SKID]
ROGER! ROGER!
GET BACK HERE!
[RAPID CHATTERING]
[PEELS OUT]
[TIRES SKID]
[HORN HONKING]
[NORMAL SPEED]
PULL OVER!
WE NEED TO TALK!
[DING]
OHH! ROGER!
ROGER!
BROTHER, EMILY.
[DING]
[PEELS OUT]
ROGER!
ROGER,
FOR THE LOVE--
[HONKS]
COME ON.
COME ON.
GO AWAY!
OHH!
GUHH. OK.
ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN,
I MUST'VE BEEN CRAZY
TO RISK LOSING YOU, OK?
SCREW THE MONEY.
SCREW THE LAWYERS.
SCREW LARRY.
SC-SCREW THE SHRINKS.
I J--I JUST WANT YOU.
I'M BEGGING YOU, PLEASE.
I'M BEGGING YOU.
I NEED YOU.
WE'RE A TEAM, REMEMBER?
SIEGFRIED & ROY,
HAM AND CHEESE.
YOU DON'T CARE
ABOUT THE MONEY?
I DON'T NEED MONEY
TO BE HAPPY, MEL.
I JUST NEED YOU.
THAT'S IT.
[SIGHS]
I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.
KISS ME.
I LIED TO YOU.
I DIDN'T THROW
MY DIAPHRAGM AWAY OR LOSE IT.
YOU DIDN'T?
IT'S HERE IN MY PURSE.
AND DO YOU--DO YOU HAVE
ANY OF THAT, UH, SAUCE?
SPERMICIDAL GEL?
SAY IT AGAIN.
[WHISPERING]
Spermicidal gel.
[BOING]
GO GET IT, MEL.
WE'RE IN BUSINESS.
MR. HAPPY!
LET'S NOT CALL I THAT ANYMORE.
WHAT SHOULD WE CALL IT?!
I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.
LET'S--COME ON.
OK, OK.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
OH, MY GOD.
OH, GOD.
HEH HEH.
OH, MY GOD.
OH, I LOVE BIRTH CONTROL.
HEH HEH HEH.
WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?
WE'RE RICH.
THERE WAS
A SETTLEMENT,
AND WE GE ALMOST $2 MILLION.
[GASPS] WE'RE RICH.
YEAH.
AH. WE CAN AFFORD
ONE OF THOSE TRACT HOUSES.
MM-HMM.
Dan: OH, GOD.
[BOTH MOANING]
[LAMP SHATTERS]
OH, GOD! OH, GOD!
[DOOR KNOCKER KNOCKING]
MELINDA, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?!
OH, GOD.
DANNY, IT'S HIM!
[HARP GLISSANDO]
AND THAT'S HOW
WE GOT HERE.
KLINK, PAIGE, RICE.
NEED A GODDAMN PROGRAM.
YEAH.
Deputy: HEY.
TURN THA DAMN THING OFF.
ALL RIGHT, I'VE HAD
ABOUT ENOUGH.
GET YOURSELF IN POSITION
NEAR THE DOOR. WE'RE GOING IN.
Deputy: HERE.
THANK YOU,
LITTLE LADY.
Dan: HURRY!
OH, GOD!
I LOVE YOU, DANNY!
I LOVE YOU,
TOO, BABY!
WAIT! LET ME TRY
TALKING TO THEM.
Melinda, on bullhorn:
DR. PAIGE.
DR. KLINK.
HONESTY FIRST, RIGHT?
I MEAN, DR. PAIGE, WHAT DO
YOU WANT FROM DR. KLINK,
AND VICE VERSA?
DANNY AND ME
TOOK YOUR ADVICE.
WE WERE FINALLY HONES WITH EACH OTHER.
IT WORKED.
YEAH, A-ALL RELATIONSHIPS
ARE KILLED BY,
UH, DISHONESTY,
REPRESSED FEELINGS,
THINGS LEFT UNSAID--
THINGS LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW?
COME ON, YOU GUYS.
HONESTY FIRST, HUH?
EMILY, I WANTED TO BE
WITH YOU SO BAD,
I WAS SICK AFTER
THE OTAPI CONFERENCE.
ROGER, I WANT YOU.
I'VE WANTED TO BE
CLOSE TO YOU SINCE DENVER.
IT'S ALL I'VE EVER WANTED.
MY WIFE AND I
WERE MARRIED
BECAUSE OF A GRAMMATICAL
MISUNDERSTANDING.
SHE THOUGHT I PROPOSED.
I ONLY MEAN I COULD HYPOTHETICALLY
MARRY HER.
I ONLY MARRIED MR. PAIGE
TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS.
I--I FANTASIZED THAT YOU
WOULD BURST INTO THE CHURCH
AND STOP IT.
THAT WAS MY FANTASY.
I WANTED TO,
BUT I WAS AFRAID.
OH, ROGER, LET'S START OVER,
HONESTY FIRST.
I--I WAS THINKING
THERE'S GOTTA BE A NEED
FOR COUPLES COUNSELING
ON GRAND CAYMAN, RIGHT?
THAT'S WHA I WAS THINKING.
I LOVE YOU, EMILY.
OHH. I LOVE YOU, ROGER.
[GASPS]
[GUN FIRES, RICOCHETS]
AAH! DON'T SHOOT ME!
OH, GOD! DANNY!
[POP]
AAH!
AAH!
Medic:
WHAT THE?
[OPERA PLAYING]
MELINDA! MELINDA!
MELINDA!
GO EVASIVE!
GO EVASIVE!
ARE YOU SHOT?
NO. IT'S CHAMPAGNE.
CHAMPAGNE?
GET IN THERE,
TROUSDALE.
AW, SHIT.
CAREFUL,
TROUSDALE.
[ROGER MOANING]
WELL?
OHH. OHH, IN CIRCLES. OHH.
THE CRISIS
WILL BE RESOLVED
IN ABOU 30 SECONDS, SIR.
GODDAMN IT, YOU TWO
BETTER HOLD ON TIGHT THIS TIME.
THERE ISN'T ANYBODY ELSE
IN THE WORLD
THAT COULD LOVE YOU.
YES, SIR.
HEH. DON'T WORRY.
[AMBULANCE DOORS CLOSE]
[ENGINE STARTS]
[WOMAN SINGING OPERA
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
CONSUELA, WE'RE
JUST GETTING STARTED.
GOD, I LOVE
A HAPPY ENDING.
[OPERA ENDS]
[MAN VOCALIZING
WITH RASPY GROWL]
[DING]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
LUCKY LARRY'S LIFT.
COME DOWN AND GET LUCKY.
[VOCALIZING ENDS]
[NEW ARRANGEMENT BEGINS]
[WHISTLING ACCOMPANIMEN JOINS IN]